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Cb
I have a slightly woo question… but I have incredibly vivid dreams and often wake up tired from all that thinking I do overnight. I’ve always had them, and had night terrors as a kid (as does my kid). Can I dream less somehow?
I have decent sleep hygiene, a wind-down routine, no big chats, tv, or screens before bed, 45 minutes or so of reading to wind down. The dreams are sometimes relevant (last night, 1 was making a decision that needed to be made), but most of the time, they are just weird, sometimes tense dreams.
Not OP
Same here, down to the night terrors as a child. I would love this to stop!
Anonymous
Is it possible that your alarm is waking you up in the “wrong” part of your sleep cycle? If you don’t set an alarm/wake up naturally, do you still feel the same? I don’t know how you would fix that aside from maybe one of those gradual alarm clocks that mimics the sunrise?
Or, possibly your pattern of light/deep/REM sleep is off? I would probably take a few weeks’ worth of sleep data (like from a garmin or apple watch) to my doc to see what they think (before going deeper into sleep study territory).
Anonymous
My trigger for this is if I eat too close to bedtime. It’s like my stomach still digesting keeps my brain awake while I’m sleeping. I try not to eat anything for two hours before bed. Or if I’m really hungry for some reason I stick with like a piece of toast and glass of milk.
Maybe keep a sleep/dream/food diary and see if you can identify triggers.
Cb
Ah good shout, I stop eating by 6:30 and go to sleep around 10. Fall asleep really easily, just seems like my brain is way too active.
Anon
Are you eating Welsh Rarebit ? :)
Little Nemo in Slumberland (a vintage comic) was always having vivid dreams after eating Welsh Rarebit and in chasing it down I found these two resources which you might find entertaining:
https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-century-old-comic-strip-devoted-to-cheese-fueled-nightmares
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4330685/#:~:text=In%20the%20early%201900s%2C%20the,that%20foods%20disturb%20dreaming%20persists.
Anon
Oh man, 5 years ago I would not have understood this, but I feel this so hard since I’ve turned 40. I don’t have a great answer, only commiseration. My best explanation since this is “new” for me is that I know I am a much lighter sleeper since turning 40, so I assume the lasting intensity of my dreams upon waking has more to do with not cycling into the deeper REM cycles where the dreams fade away (clearly, not a sleep scientist, just my anecdotal experience)?
It seems to lessen with three things that I try (and fail) to do consistently: (a) really hard, intense exercise – I know you frequently cycle to work, etc., but I can’t get to the deeper sleep cycles unless I go for a run or a swim where I get my heart rate way up, am breathing heavy, and build up a good sweat. I can’t replicate the same deep sleep if I go for a walk or even have a hard weightlifting session at the gym. It has to be a really heavy cardiovascular workout, or my sleep isn’t impacted, (b) magnesium supplements before bed, or a powder that I get on amazon and mix into a pre-bedtime drink, and (c) immediately if I wake up overnight, I put in earphones and listen (not watch) to a podcast or tv show that I’ve heard exactly 1,000,000 times before. If I spend even five minutes realizing I’m “awake” before putting in my earphones, I’m up for an hour, then sleep lightly with vivid dreams for the next three hours. If I put my earphones in, I’m out within the first 3 mins of the show/podcast, and usually make it through the rest of the night.
Good luck :)
Cb
Yeah, I do wonder if it’s made worse by hormones. My periods have gotten wild…
I’ve always been awake pondering all my life choices at 4:45, but it’s the light sleep/constant dreaming that is more annoying. It feels like I’ve lived another full day overnight.
Maybe magnesium is worth a go.
Anon
Try magnesium. A lot of people are deficient, and a deficiency will make your periods worse.
Anonymous
I find magnesium glycinate helpful in achieving restful sleep. I also find that disruptive dreams happen when I am not able to adequately process or manage stress while I’m awake. When I recently quit my unbearably toxic job, the quality of my sleep immediately improved. You have mentioned numerous sources of stress in your life; perhaps you could try measures like CBT to manage the stress, or a more drastic lifestyle change to remove some of the stress. One thing that strikes me is that you have repeatedly mentioned some apparent mental health and neurodivergence issues in your household. Do not underestimate the amount of stress that constantly walking on eggshells in that situation generates. That alone is deserving of some venting space and coping techniques that a good therapist can provide, and possibly some adjustments to remove other sources of stress so you aren’t constantly running on empty.
Anon
Magnesium makes my dreams more vivid, so YMMV. I still take it because it has helped me in other ways, but it may not be the fix for this
Anon
I don’t think this question is woo. There’s a whole medical literature on “parasomnias,” and sleep neurologists advise on this. There can be issues with sleep stages or with transitions between sleep stages (for me it was the latter). Sometimes there is something simple to address (a vitamin or mineral deficiency — I think B6, magnesium, and iron are ones they often check though it may depend on other symptoms like muscle tension or restless leg syndrome). Sometimes it’s something more complicated (central cholinergic deficit comorbid with ADHD — I treat this with Huperzine-A which is more wooy since it’s only available as a supplement in my country). Sometimes it helps people to use those phone alarms that wake us up at the end of a sleep cycle instead of at an exact time each morning so we’re not interrupting an unfinished sleep cycle.
Anon
I’ve had this problem my entire life, and I hope someone has some helpful info to share, because I would also love to dream less/sleep “less intensely.” Sometimes I wake up and feel like I haven’t slept because of how weird and intense my dreams have been. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night from one intense dream and go straight into a different one when I go back to sleep. I’ve been evaluated for sleep apnea and don’t have it. Melatonin seems to cut down on the intense dreams, but I can’t take melatonin very often as I feel “hung over” from it the next day. I’m wary of other sleep aids.
Anon
I’ve noticed I have vivid dreams when I sleep under something heavy, like a weighted blanket or multiple heavy wool blankets. If they are getting more frequent, maybe it has to do with cold weather + heavier blankets. This has no scientific basis obviously, just my experience.
Anon
I have 2-3, very vivid dreams that I remember every single night. I often get confused about things that happen in my dreams and in my real life. I mostly enjoy my dreams, but wouldn’t hate if they weren’t so realistic.
Anon
Same!! Once in my 20s I spent an entire weekend wandering around manhattan looking for a store I remembered going to only to suddenly realize it was a dream. As I’ve gotten older, my dreams became stressful — all the worse things I try to not let myself worry about during the day come out in my dreams. Usually it’s forgetting to pick up my kid or losing her in a public place. Sometimes I wake up so stressed from my dream that I can’t fall back asleep or I’m tired and stressed all day.
Anon
I have gotten this kind of confusion a lot!
I also often have dreams that pick up where they left off the previous night.
A few times I’ve had dreams that seemed to last years and years, like I lived decades of someone else’s life? I guess it is more that whoever I was in the dream had a lifetime’s worth of memories, but it is still strange to wake up from!
Anon
Even though it’s been going on for awhile, are you on medication that might make it worse? I have lupus and ever since I started plaquenil I’ve had worse dreams and more disrupted sleep cycles.
Anon
I wish I knew. My dreams are so bizarre – my best friends joke that if I’m ever fortunate enough to have a warm dream about long-lost family members, they’ll probably morph into serial killers with banana for heads. You have my sympathies. I’m trying to see if hard exercise makes a difference, but so far I haven’t noticed anything.
Anne-on
Vivid dreams/night terrors are apparently common in neurodivergent people (my kiddo with ADHD and I both have them) as is lucid dreaming. It is SO much worse for me when I’m stressed or at a certain point in my cycle. Being medicated for the adhd helps (mostly because medication helps me be more functional and then I have less stress about stuff I didn’t do or messed up). On top of that magnesium, good sleep hygeine, exercise (you definitely get more than I do!) and melatonin are super helpful. I keep meaning to try CBD but haven’t yet. The melatonin/magnesium don’t stop the dreams but blur the edges/soften the transitions so it’s more like I’m watching a movie vs. acting in it if that makes sense. Alcohol makes things MUCH worse (though that may also be age) so I rarely have more than 2 drinks in a night.
Cb
Thanks, everyone! Lots of useful tips to consider. I fall asleep easily and go back to sleep quickly, but it’s just a busy night in dreamland! I’m in the UK so if I went to the doctor with “weird dreams”, they’d laugh me out of the office. I’m going to start with magnesium and work down the list from there. No melatonin OTC in the UK but I can smuggle it in when I go to my parents in December. During the pandemic, I’d use a yoga nidra meditation to get to sleep and I suspect that’s worth trying again.
sleep
Actually, this is a common problem.
There are doctors who specialize in sleep and they address this all the day.
I agree that a primary card doctor is useless for this.
In the UK, are you allowed to see a specialist of your own choosing?
If so, just make an appointment with a sleep specialist MD.
Anon in the UK
She’d need a referral from her primary care doctor to go to a specialist in the UK (even if she has private health insurance)… The NHS is terrible at dealing with non life-and-death situations.
EB
Is THC legal where you are? Or CBD? I have the best sleep after I eat a gummy. There are some specifically formulated for good sleep.
Anon
Mine are worse with THC.
Anon
I did EMDR with my therapist for a weird, scary recurring dream I’ve had since a kid. I haven’t had it since. Highly recommend!
Anon
For everyone recommending magnesium, is there a decent brand that has third-party certification for safety and quality? I’m speaking from the U.S. context where supplements aren’t regulated. I want to try magnesium for my own sleep issues, but I don’t want to throw money away on a sugar pill or a pill from a plant with enormous safety issues.
Anon
Thorne is a reputable though expensive brand.
Cornellian
No answer on that, but look at the forms magensium can come in. If you’re looking to address nervous/sleep issues, I think you probably want magnesium glycinate. It has the fewest GI side effects, but can require a more voluminous amount in order to get to your dose. I think magnesium citrate is more used for loosening stools and also PMS. Magnesium oxide is the cheapest one, also seems to be least helpful and have the worst side effects.
Anon
lol I can co-sign that. I take magnesium oxide for constipation, but mag citrate is the most popular form for that reason. Unless you have the same issue, go for glycinate.
JHC
I’ve had this since I’ve been on Lexapro, so like five years now. No help to give, but lots of empathy and commiseration.
Anon
Same here on Lexapro. I have more vivid dreams and I seem to remember them more. I remember dreams I had weeks ago.
Melatonin also gives me more vivid dreams.
Anon
No answers for you but the same thing happens to me. Like you, I also have good sleep hygiene and am really careful about the media I consume before bed.
Even if I wake up naturally.
Even if I take THC and CBD (they make vivid dreams into vivid nightmares).
Even cutting out dairy.
Magnesium doesn’t change it.
Can’t blame on medication as it’s always happened.
Had a sleep study and there’s no identifiable issue.
CBT and journaling make it worse.
My commiserations, it’s exhausting.
Do you get migraines?
Laura
Re-posting from yesterday:
How much money do you keep in cash / savings vs. some type of investments? I know the textbook advice is 6 months expenses cash but that seems a little high. Right now I have 8 months worth of expenses in cash and I’m trying to convince myself to invest some of it.
This “cash” is in a HYSA.
If there was a true emergency I could liquidate investments, and also my parents could help me realistically, so its not a dire situation.
Anon
I wouldn’t invest my emergency fund in the market (which I consider 6 months of basic expenses), but you could keep 3 months cash and the other 3 months in something secure, like a short term CD or treasury bills.
Anon
6 months of expenses for me is about $50K. I keep about $25K in an emergency fund but have plenty of money elsewhere that I can access in 3-10 days, depending on the situation.
A.n.o.n.
similar for us. we’re a two income family with low credit utilization so we have a few months cash, access to credit, and can get more in a week or so if more is needed – so don’t keep 6 months total in cash.
A.n.o.n.
(mentioned two income because while we could lose a job, seems unlikely well both lose jobs at the same time)
anon
DH always laughs that in my mind, money that is invested is not “real money” and therefore in a lock box and no longer available. This means that I tend to keep more than I should in savings as opposed to invested – probably 50k-70k. Yes, I know this is completely irrational.
Anonymous
I agree that investments are not real money. They only become real money when you sell them.
Cornellian
I’m not sure it is irrational, since it’s at risk. But even if it’s in a pretty conservative investment very unlikely to significantly decline, I subscribe to the same belief as you and I think it can serve you pretty well.
Anonymous
We have a HHI of about $330k, but it’s lumpy. We live like a HHI of $250k and have 3 young kids.
DH makes ~$240k W2 and I make $80-150k as a part time freelancer.
We keep about $15k in pure cash in the bank. Another $10k in CDs in various states of maturity. We have something like another $10k in accounts we could pull from (for example, each of our 3 young kids have about $500 in cash in the bank. DH and I each have “fun money” accounts with a balance of a few thousand, etc. If we couldn’t make the mortgage, we’d borrow from those and pay them back after liquidating mutual funds). We have $500k-ish of investments, plus $500k in DH’s 401k against we could draw, etc.
We had trouble figuring out a scenario where we would need more than $20k *right now in the next 24 hours.*. We can make our mortgage on either of our incomes alone. We could, in an emergency, just pay the minimum on our credit cards which are normally paid in full.
Anon
Lots.
Anon
Single, own a home w/a mortgage in a LCOL market, have student loans with Sofi, no apparent job risk and have always been easily able to get a different one when I wanted to (but I know there are no guarantees).
Pre-tax income: $205k plus bonus (last year was $65k and on track to be similar this year)
Mort: $1000
SL: $850
Pay credit cards off every pay day
No car payment
Cash: $50k in HYSA
CD: $2k
401k: ~$260k today
IRAs: $40k
HSA: $5k
Crypto: $500 LOLLLLLLL this was a joke investment
MM: $3k
No rhyme or reason for much other than I am getting 5.5% currently on my HYSA so not inclined to move it to anything else right now. Risk is not my friend haha
No Problem
Legit question: your HHI is almost 3x mine and your debt (mortgage + SLs) is ~$500/month less than mine. I am also single with no kids. I had a similar amount in cash savings before I used most of it for my down payment, and have more in retirement savings than you do. How do you spend your money? $$$ vacations? Supporting other family members? $$ clothing? No judgment, honestly. I’m just curious. If I had an extra $75-100k post tax every year I think my savings would be higher.
Anon
I have only been earning this income for a year and a half.
Prior to that I earned $150k for a year, $125k a year before that, and then under that for all years dating back to 2008. I didn’t work for a year in there, and I also held hourly jobs for a year or so, and both of those things drained savings. I’ve also been paying $800-1200 / mo for SL for 15 years and the major thing of that time did not have bonuses. I had basically no retirement savings from age 22-28, and then did not do a great job of maxing that out while I was at the law firm bc I was paying so much for my SL. I also pay for cars in cash, although they aren’t crazy luxurious. I paid $21k for my current used car. I also have had medical expenses over the years and in the last two years have spent $30k on house repairs in cash. I also have old expensive pets (dogs, cats, and horses that require a lot of meds and some pricey vet visits).
I also like to live my life, so I probably spend $7k on vacations a year, maybe $2k in art and jewelry, a decent amount on quality sustainable clothes, and I donate maybe $5k a year? My CC payments usually total about $4 – 6k a month – that’s for everything, a lot of bills and all expenses. I save $2k automatically a month, but it gets eaten sometimes (lately by my house and animals).
Hope that helps!
No Problem
Ah yes, that does help a lot. I read your comment as though you’d been making a similar income for awhile, but probably should not have assumed that.
I hear you on the medical expenses and home repairs eating up the cash. Currently in that boat! I aspire to be able to spend $7k on vacations in one year, but should be able to get there next year if not the following year. Good on you for enjoying your earnings :)
Anon
Thanks for being non-judgmental and asking for situational background! I try to do two week-long trips a year – one international and one national park-esque trip a year. I am not a luxury traveler (did a week in a camper van up the Oregon Coast a couple years ago) so $7k stretches pretty far!
Have a lovely holiday.
Anon
It really depends on your personal situation. We’re comfortable with a pretty low amount (~$10-15k) but 1) my husband is a tenured professor at a well known university, so basically as good as it gets in terms of job security and we can live on his salary alone, 2) we don’t have a mortgage so our “bare bones” living expenses (if we cut out saving and all discretionary spending) are very low and 3) my parents could help in a real disaster situation. Without those factors, we would want quite a bit more.
Anonymous
I have an emergency fund of a years worth of expenses, which I recognize is conservative but I feel more comfortable. I keep 2 months of expenses in a checking account, an additional 4 months in a HYSA, and the remaining 6 months is in laddered CDs (I would just pay the penalty as needed).
Sweet tooth
My DH and I live in an area with a lacking food scene, so we like to order desserts from all over to try, especially around the holidays. We have done most of the popular ones like Milk Bar, Magnolia, and my favorite, Levain. We try Goldbelly sometimes, but it’s a bit overwhelming and seems to have become a bit commercial. Any specific recommendations for delicious desserts that can be shipped?
New Here
Sugaree’s! They are a bakery in New Albany, MS and I love their cakes. The strawberry cake is a favorite around here, but it looks like there is a cake sampler on Goldbelly that seems fun.
Anon
Burdick chocolate.
Anon
Are Freelines still a thing?
Anon
Jennie ice cream! You can get a delicious variety pack shipped
Anon
I’m not sure it’s delicious (although if it’s so popular maybe it is?), but Collin Street Bakery fruitcake and read about the big fruitcake scam while you eat it.
Ex-texan
I’ve had it, and it is that delicious.
Anne-on
If you’re interested in traditionally Italian or Jewish holiday treats my family regularly ships each other Juniors Cheesecakes (cherry is a personal preference), Black and white cookies (William Greenberg is the best imho), and rainbow cookies/pignolis/cannolis (Ferrara’s ships). William Sonoma has very good (but pricey) bakery options for the holidays. I shipped my parents/in laws the galaxy breakfast pastries during covid so they could have a fancy brunch during the holidays when we couldn’t gather.
Anon
I think Junior’s and black and white cookies are NY treats, not specifically Italian or Jewish :)
Anon
Rugelach and Babka from Russ & Daughters in NYC.
Anon
See’s Candy!
emeralds
Red Truck Bakery!
Anon
Babka from Breads in NYC.
NYNY
Anything from Mah-Ze-Dahr bakery. Their cheesecake is incredible, and so are their cookies. Also, it’s a little involved, but their bake at home croissants are the best croissants you will ever eat.
Formerly Lilly
Doberge cake or any other cake from Gambino’s bakery in New Orleans. All their stuff is good, but the doberge cale is a classic.
Anon
+1 to See’s. I also love Salt & Straw ice cream and Sprinkles cupcakes. I know Sprinkles was super trendy 15 years ago and is no longer considered cool, but I’ve tried probably 100 cupcake stores in my life and I’ve never found a better cupcake, especially for chocolate lovers.
Anonie
Lammar Marie’s Gourmet Popcorn
Anon
Monica’s Gourmet Cookies!
Anon
Pignoli cookies from Isgro. You may have to wait a week or two to order.
anon
wow. i have no advice other than to ask if this is new or recent and if it is, i would think about if you have made any changes to your diet, meds etc. Also, for what it’s worth the only time i have had really vivid dreams was when i was pregnant and in fact while i was pregnant mt sinai was doing a study on it because apparently pregnancy and really weird vivid dreams is a thing.
anon
sorry just read more carefully, you said you’ve always had them
anon
hi, i had posted yesterday about the teenager with the tuxedo. To answer a few questions that were brought up, i think this is an adult event (not a kids party). His girlfriend is on some sort of junior committee for a charity and this is the charity’s gala. Someone had mentioned last night and I tend to agree now that i think about it, that if this is an adult event he should be more traditionally dressed than if this were, say, a sorority formal. He also spoke to the girlfriend who wants him to look reasonably basic. The compromise they’ve come up with is regular tux, white shirt, long tie (not bow tie) and no cumberbund or vest. I have done some googling (including looking at images of george clooney, good idea from the board!) and i think this requires just a regular white shirt, not a tux shirt but if anyone has a strong opinion on this i am all ears. Right about now i really wish mom and pop stores with knowledgable sales people still existed.
Anonymity
You may be near a store such as Joseph Banks, Men’s Wearhouse, or even David’s Bridal. Haven’t been to these in quite awhile, but when I was shopping for my Dad I was able to ask questions of the salesmen and gain their advice. You could also look online at past year’s events to gage others’ outfits. Good luck and hope your son has fun!
Anonymous
Honestly just buy the shirt he wants. He’s already not following the rules.
Cat
I attend a decent amount of adult tux events and it’s like 50-50 whether the men are wearing a bow tie or a long tie, so I don’t think teen will stick out from the adults in this look.
Anon
When I was in high school, and then when we all were getting married in our 20s/30s, everyone went and rented from a tux shop — serious question, are those not a thing anymore? I would imagine he could go and try on a bunch of different options, and figure out what he likes. If you are looking to buy, a Nordstrom’s or Macy’s or other department store would probably be able to do the same thing, if there is one near you. You might have to order his size, but they could at least show him options and measure him for the right suit.
Anon
But to answer your specific question, yes, a tux shirt will be nicer and pull the look together more, especially if his girlfriend asked him to wear a traditional tux and he is not using the cummerbund/bow tie/vest combo, which absolutely signals “tux.”
Cat
If you’re not wearing a bow tie, a tux shirt is the wrong c-ll-ar. They have those little tab ones designed for bow ties and are not the right style for a long tie.
Anon
Got it – didn’t know!! I still think OP is best served to go in person and have her son try on the tux to see how it all works together, and that the shirt makes a big difference in terms of the put together feel of the overall look.
Cat
This is how my husband dressed for our wedding. No cummerbund or vest. He actually got away without the suspenders, even lacking belt loops, since the tailoring was so perfect. Yes, you want a beautiful high quality white dress shirt – not a tux style with the little c-ll-r – and a dress tie. Silver or white satin tie.
Anonymous
Yes to a perfectly pressed high-quality white dress shirt made with a smooth fabric, bonus points for French cuffs. A tuxedo shirt is all wrong because it will have studs and a bib front for wear with a waistcoat or cummerbund. (Side note: you are not really supposed to wear a wing collar with a black bow tie. The shirt should have a turndown collar. A wing collar is for white tie.)
Also make sure he has the right kind of shoes and socks. He should wear thin black dress socks, not ordinary thick black cotton socks. The shoes should be black smooth leather or patent leather dress shoes without broguing.
Finally, have the tux tailored to fit him properly. A cheap suit of the wrong formality level that is well tailored will look far more sophisticated than the correct suit incorrectly fitted.
Anne-on
+1 to the right shoes and tailoring. This is the right age to teach him how suits should fit/the right ‘break’ for his pants, etc. The amount of professional men I see at formal events with oversized and badly tailored suits and the wrong shoes is nuts.
Anonymous
My probably unpopular opinion is that if he is going to an adult event, he needs to dress the part. So, either a tux worn the proper way or a suit. If he wants the long tie and a regular shirt then he should opt for a suit.
Do you have a menswear store in your area? Those salespeople are knowledgable and can help you easily.
Anon
I tend to agree. If you’re not doing full tux, why not get a regular suit? It’s more versatile and will look better IMO.
Anonymous
I am a stickler for etiquette, but it appears that men’s formalwear has evolved and there really is a George Clooney long tie tuxedo look with a regular shirt that is perfectly acceptable for adult men. If anything, the blurring of dress codes means that OP and her son are even more in need of expert guidance because the rules are blurry and there are so many ways to go ridiculously wrong. The young gentleman needs to be measured for his tuxedo by an expert and have it altered to fit. This is better done at Nordstrom or a men’s clothier than at Macy’s. He also needs advice on the selection of shirt, tie, and accessories.
Anne-on
If you have a Brooks Brothers store I would go there. It will not be the most fashion forward but they will 100% know the correct shirt/tie/belt options and have good tailors on site (good tailors/sewists are so hard to find these days!).
Anonymous
The problem here is that OP is trying to order on line from Macy’s instead of spending more to rent or to buy in person.
Anon
Why not? Our styles evolve constantly. I doubt any of us are wearing corsets daily, after all.
Anon
+1 styles evolve.
Anon
What tux does George Clooney wear?
George Clooney Recycled His Wedding Tux for the Golden Globes …
Armani
“I have one tux. Just one,” Clooney told People in 2006. “It’s a single-button [Armani]. There’s only one mistake guys can make, and that is to try to do anything fancy.
Anon
“cummerbund”, not cumberbund
Anon
That was driving me nuts yesterday (the original post mentioned a “cumberbund” too). No wonder why the teenager seems to think it’s optional….
Anon
I feel like they are falling out of fashion, but maybe it’s just me? They just aren’t a youthful accessory, even though they’re part of the outfit.
Anon
I’m in my late 20s, and about half of the weddings I go to are black tie and thus all of the men in their 20s are wearing tuxes and they’ve all been wearing cummerbunds. I think my younger brother actually owns 3 different bow tie / cummerbund sets.
Anonymous
They seem very dated to me. I prefer seeing men in waistcoats.
January
This is my husband’s opinion. He says cummerbunds are for old men.
Anon
That’s a pretty snide thing to say about a commonly mispronounced word. But whatever lets you feel better than someone else, I guess.
Anonymous
Just don’t let him wear a blau polyester tuxado.
Anon
“Armani also don’t make polyester!”
Anonymous
I’ll have the chipper chicken.
Anon
That sounds like a dinner jacket look. One step down in formality but still dressy. I like it.
Anon
https://blacklapel.com/thecompass/how-and-when-to-wear-a-dinner-jacket-ultimate-guide/
Anonymous
Tuxedo = dinner jacket.
Anon
Right but not all tuxedos are dinner jackets. Tails are not dinner jackets, for instance.
I worked in menswear for years. A dinner jacket ensemble is what the stores (at least in the US) call a suit style tuxedo jacket, which doesn’t have to be worn with a waistcoat or cummerbund, and can be worn with a long tie and a dress shirt.
Anonymous
Tails are not a tuxedo.
Anon
And if you want to get really old-school cool, an off white dinner jacket worn with a white shirt and black tuxedo pants is also a look – one I really like.
Anon
Aren’t tux rentals a thing anymore? Every prom, sorority formal and wedding I ever attended had men with rented tuxes at them.
Anon
+1 I still see tux rental stores in my East Coast city
Anonymous
OP doesn’t want to rent because purchasing is cheaper.
Anon
Yeah men can always rent tuxes for these things, but it’s probably a good investment to buy one (if he’s a teenager he’ll have proms coming up). When I was in high school most boys bought tuxes because there was enough to wear them to.
Anon
When my brothers were teens they rarely fit in the same clothes from one year to the next.
LizzieBennet
This discussion reminds me of the Downton Abbey episode where a couple of the men have wardrobe malfunctions and have to wear black tie instead of white tie to dinner. Cora’s American mother drawls “oh, you both are dressed for a barbecue.”
Anon
lol! Many conversations here are straight up Downton Abbey, which is probably why I keep coming to read!
Anon
Liz Lemon walks into Jack Donaghy’s office and sees that he’s just changed into a tuxedo. He mentions that he wishes the dinner were tonight.
Liz: It’s not tonight? Why are you wearing a tux?!?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
3L
Fellow no-car city dwellers: What shoes are we wearing for every day life (going to work/school, running quick errands, etc)? I’ve been wearing toms but I need to replace them and would like something cute and comfortable
Cb
I tend to walk/cycle 5-7 miles per day. I’ve been wearing Nike run frees and like them for something light and flexible. And I’m annoyed to admit, all the commentators here who said “BUY PROPER SHOES!” when I complained about my legs being tired were absolutely right.
Now that it’s cold/wet, I wear Sperry duck boots or black flat midcalf Merrell boots.
Cat
Vejas or other cute sneakers. My work shoes live at work so I change there.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Vejas or Allbirds if I’m doing more serious walking.
AIMS
Depends on the season. Birks in the summer. Converse and adidas in fall/spring. Flat boots in the winter.
Anon
Same.
Colette
Same. Winter boots are blundstones.
Anonymous
Classic vans slip ons are what I use for trotting around the city. My DH ended up getting a pair too so now we match, they’re just so functional.
Anon
I love my Vionic version of the slip on… They’re my old person Van’s. I wear them pretty often for walking errands.
Anonymous
I have a pair of Vionic athletic insoles that get slipped into any of my fashion sneakers now. I’m in “old person vans” stage of fashion now as well. Wish I had known to do this years ago.
Anon
I commute in my running shoes (I usually go to the gym right before or after work). If I’m doing something after work and want something cuter, I’ll commute in my Adidas Grand Courts.
For running errands, walking around, etc. I’ll wear the Grand Courts or one of my multiple pairs of boots (Blundstones, chelsea boots, higher boots, etc).
Emma
Vejas, flat Chelsea boots (mine are from Nisolo), and when the snow sticks to the ground, snow boots (sigh, it’s cold where I live). I do have a car but only use it to get out of the city.
Anon
Thursday Vanguard boots on my big walking days.
When I bike in, I wear bike shoes/clipless pedals. I keep a pair of Alegria sneakers (men’s – not a fan of their women’s offerings) and a pair of Birks at work The clothes I bring to change into works with one of those.
My bike shoes for errands are sneaker-ish and ok to walk in for a bit but not suitable for all day wear.
Anon
Golden goose sneakers. I rarely change them at the office since they’re stylish and things have gotten more casual.
AIMS
My mom is trying to up her walking lately and I want to get her a pair of super comfy sneakers for the holidays. She loves obscenely bright colors. HOKA? Or On? I am mostly a converse type of person so have no experience with either brand. She is in her 60s and will be walking briskly but nothing more active than that.
New Here
Is there a local running store you could take her to? They can do fittings for walkers too. I feel like HOKA and On Clouds are very different. I remember trying on the HOKAs and thinking they were too cushy. I got fitted for Brooks Glycerins because I was running at the time, but now I use them for walking and general working out.
Anon
This. Have her get fitted like runners get fitted. There isn’t a universal great brand – it depends on her foot, her gait, her pronation, etc.
I’m a runner, but I only wear Saucony shoes. My other friend is also a huge runner and they give her blisters.
Anonymous
This. Give her a gift certificate and make it a fun outing if you are nearby. In the Boston area I like Marathon Sports. If you can’t find a locally owned shop, Fleet Feet is a running specialty chain that has knowledgeable shoe fitters.
AIMS
My mom is the kind of person that will probably not go use a gift certificate and will balk at me buying her shoes if we go shopping together so it’s a little tricky. Best case is I get the shoes from somewhere with an easy return policy and *maybe* she goes to change them…
Mantra Magic
AIMS – can you take her to lunch and maybe make it a fun outing?
Anonymous
Agree. I have OnClouds and my husband has HOKAs. I hated the HOKAs and he wanted to like the onclouds but they didn’t fit right.
I think the HOKAs have more outrageous colors, but they both have good options.
If this is a gift, buy HOKAs at a store where she can exchange them.
Anon
It’s more important that they fit her properly than that they be a certain color. Maybe offer to go with her to the nearest proper shoe store (Road Runner or whatever is near you) to have her feet and gait assessed and try on the right options until she finds one that works?
Signed, I’ve had flat feet my whole life and not until my 50s did anyone tell me that wearing the right shoes would prevent a lot of ankle pain and deterioration.
Anon
Any running shoe store can advise and will be full of obscenely bright shoes. HOKA are comfy and bright, but the sole is so thick that I feel like I might twist an ankle if I step wrong, if that makes sense? Almost like platform heels.
AIMS
That makes sense, good point to consider!
anon
This is why I haven’t tried Hokas!
anon
Lululemon has some obscenely bright fluorescent lime all-purpose shoes; may come in other colors.
Anon
Not sexy, but Skechers GoWalk or max cushioning. I’m in my late 50s and I can walk for miles and miles in these. I had to size up half a size (got an 8 when I’m generally a 7.5). My friend who is my age has a few pairs of Hokas, which she likes. Your mom should try on several pairs and decide what feels best.
Anon
I’m in my 60s and Skechers Go Walks gave me shin splints. The real answer is to go to a running store and get fitted.
Remind her to replace her shoes after whatever the store recommends for milage as well.
Anon
I love my HOKAs for walking. If you really want to be sure that they will work for her, try going to a local running shoe store to try on different brands. If you went with HOKAs, Anon at 9:23 is right that some of them have a very, very thick sole that some people find difficult to walk in. I have a pair with a lower/smaller sole and love them. I also wear their flip flops around the house as my house slippers because walking on the hardwood floors was causing problems for my heels.
NYCer
My mom likes Asics for walking. They have plenty of brightly colored options.
Anon
Here’s a specific suggestion in a bright color:
https://www.fitflop.com/us/en/shop/vitamin-ffx-glow-in-the-dark-knit-sports-sneakers-p-GO6#A74
I can walk for miles in my fitflop sneakers on the vitamin ff sole. I have navy and a black pair, but that neon yellow seems perfect for your bright color loving mom.
Late 50s here with terrible feet.
Handbag hunt
I am thinking about asking for a new hobo style purse for Christmas from my husband. I saw someone post a bag by Monsieur Gavriel on here which led me down a rabbit hole to their Candy bag, but it’s a little above my price point. Although there may be Black Friday sales on that bag, I’d like to look for a leather hobo style handbag preferably under $400. I’m open to colors and do not want black/grey/navy/beige (but brown is ok), and I’d like it to be a decent size since I have a child and kid stuff always migrates to my bags regardless. I’d also like a zip top and a comfortable enough shoulder drop that I can wear it with a wool coat. What are you loving right now?
Anonymous
Check out the Clare V Moyen Messenger.
Anne-on
Madwell’s purses are super cute this year and currently on either 40% or 50% off sales. I just ordered the mini bucket tote in olive and I’ve excited to receive it!
AIMS
I love a slouchy bag! This one doesn’t have a zip top but I am a bit obsessed: https://www.madewell.com/the-essential-bucket-tote-in-leather-NN396.html
Anon
Don’t wear Tevas. They are ugly with cute clothes.
Anon
Check The Real Real.
Anon
My husband and I are doing beach maternity photos on Friday, and I just snagged this dress on sale from Anthro:
https://poshmark.com/listing/Anthropologie-Somerset-Maxi-Dress-Cutwork-edition-65358ca4c9a2282ffa7ce81b
Can I wear with black sandals, or will that be too harsh of a contrast? I have a pair of tan sandals but don’t love the way they photograph. Otherwise, I guess we go barefoot?
New Here
I would just got barefoot
Anonymous
Yes. Beach pictures would look odd with shoes.
Anon
Barefoot would be my easy choice. I can’t walk in sand in any type of sandal.
sleep
Pretty dress.
Agree with barefoot.
Anon
Go barefoot. Shoes on the beach in photos will look weird.
Anon
Barefoot all the way, just get a pedicure.
Anon
Agree with everyone else, barefoot. Shoes on the beach looks weird in photos.
Cat
Barefoot!
WFH-wear
I started a job which is completely remote this year (hooray!) and have realized my office and weekend wardrobe just isn’t cutting it. I wanted to add some WFH clothes to my Christmas list- what are your favorites or some all-star? For reference, I am 5’10” with a long inseam, a size 12, hourglass-shaped. My favorite leggings and workout wear are all from Athleta but I’m curious what other brands I should be looking at for lounge/remote-work wear. I have to be presentable on my Teams meetings but not dressy- i.e. I wouldn’t wear a traditional oversized unisex hoodie on camera but I would wear the Athleta Recharge Sweatshirt or even a Draper James sweatshirt in a magnolia print. I am looking for recs for tops, bottoms, and even slippers.
AIMS
Sweater blazers from JCrew Factory are my WFH workhorse. The lighter colors read less dressy on camera. Very comfy.
Anon
+1 to the swacket. I WFH and went to a business event the other morning, and 25% of the women in the room were wearing a J.Crew swacket of one style or another (Factory or regular, slouchy or more structured). I have 7, I think – colors for all seasons. I find the sleeves to be quite long (I need to cuff them), and I’m 5’7 with long arms, so hopefully that will work for you.
Anonymous
The Athleta Pranayama cardigan looks great on Zoom. I call it my fake blazer.
Anokha
+1. I wore it on a zoom and my coworker asked if I was wearing a suit. Also, super comfy!
Anon
I am really in love with the PowerSoft pants from Old Navy, which I think I discovered here via a recommendation from Senior Attorney. I have them in a couple of varieties – the joggers and the cargo pants – and they’re pretty much perfect. They’re great for WFH all day but also nice-looking enough that I can leave the house in them to walk the dogs, or run errands. In the summer, I have some Jockey ponte pants, but they don’t work well in the winter because they’re ankle length and my ankles get cold.
I second the recommendation for sweater blazers – most of mine are actually from Talbots, bought on eBay at a deep discount. My typical WFH day outfit is PowerSoft pants, short sleeve or 3/4 sleeve t-shirt from JC Penney (I buy them five at a time when they go on sale for $8 each) and a sweater blazer. I am perimenopausal and get hot flashes, so the ability to strip off a layer to cool down is essential.
One thing about WFH and your feet, that no one told me when I started WFH in the pandemic. I was either going barefoot or wearing flimsy slippers all day, and started developing arch pain and other foot problems. And then going back to wearing any kind of dressy shoe was painful. Get decent house slippers with some arch support and a hard sole, or wear tennis shoes in your house, if you start having foot pain.
Flats Only
If it’s all Zoom calls focus on tops. When I was WFH with a brand new job in 2020 I found that a bright colored top, earrings, “done” eyebrows, bright lipstick, and glasses that didn’t obscure my eyes were all I needed to do to look put together on camera. (Eyebrows were important for me because mine are blond and disappear on camera, but if I filled them in a little darker, and wore a bright lipstick, I looked much more awake and alert).
Anon
1) Haflinger slipppers
2) Compression knee highs if you sit for long periods (I like Sockwell)
3) Levi Signature straight leg jeans on Amazon. They sell a 34 inseam (“long”) but it was 1” too long for me to wear with slippers, so I buy the regular 32” and wear them ankle length
4) a long sleeved tee – I like Land’s End or LL bean for good ones
5) a sweater jacket, a cardigan, or a pullover sweater. I personally try not to be in fleece or anything that reads workout clothing on zoom calls with my clients
6) earrings + lipstick, which work really well to make you look like you didn’t just roll out of bed. I like a sheer lipstick that basically functions as lip balm too. There was a roundup here the other day of lipsticks like this.
anon
I pretty much live in my Vuori joggers/pants for WFH; I have them in about five different colors/styles and they have held up really well. Someone here said they are too loungey to wear in public, but I do all the time and see others doing so as well (I’m in SoCal fwiw).
Anon
I like Lou and Grey, very comfortable.
Anon
All the baby boot cut corduroys (and many of the straight legs) are sold out already in my size. How is this possible?! Second time this year I’m looking at Posh and eBay for items I’d prefer to try on in a shop. I think I know my AT Loft size, but sometimes a pair can be cut snug (the reason I’m shopping) while others still fit.
Anon
Because a lot of people, myself included, buy them when they come out and don’t wait for mythical sales where everything is sold out. You want something, you need to get it!.
Anon
Note to future self: if you are going to change size or shape-shift, do it in August so you know what to shop for!
Anon
Exactly! ;)
Anon
I think it’s because stores have been telling us for a while now that pant lines have changed, and our eyes are finally getting used to the new silhouette, so many of us are finally ready to buy and trade in our old pants!
New Here
I want to change up my normal baked brie in crescent roll dough to individual baked brie bites. Anyone have a good recipe for those?
anon
can’t you use the exact same ingredients and just cut the crescents in bite sized pieces?
Anonymous
If you cut the rind of the Brie and wrap it as usual, it melts out of the pastry. You need a recipe that is shaped so as to contain the molten cheese, like one that is baked in muffin tins.
AIMS
You need little tiny muffin cups. Layer dough on the bottom. Add small bit of Brie and top with something like cranberry jam, orange marmalade or apricot jam.
BeenThatGuy
I do these using the phillo dough shells. Pre-bake the shells for a few mins, add a bite sized piece of brie and continue to bake until melted. When they come out of the oven, top with a dollop of your favorite jam and a sprinkle of walnuts, or something of the like.
Anon
Mini phyllo cups from the freezer section. Put the cups in a mini muffin tin then add a piece of brie to each one. Top with craisins, jam, pistachios, or walnuts. Bake in the oven or toaster oven.
Anon
I could do phyllo cups with baked brie and crasins in them
Anonymous
Gripe about shopping: it’s annoying for brands to advertise something like UP TO 30% off everything* (*exclusions apply). If exclusions apply then there isn’t a discount off everything. Then I go to the website or store and anything I might want is discounted by like $1 and the only things that are actually 30% off have terrible reviews and are low dollar amount anyway. Don’t set the expectation that I’m going to get a big discount if I’m not. I guess advertisers think that once people are in the door they’ll stay, but I don’t think that applies to online shopping. It’s real easy to close that browser window in frustration.
AIMS
Hate that. Also hate the trend of final sales right now that aren’t disclosed until check out. What a waste of time when you don’t disclose it.
Anon
Vineyard Vines ads: “40% off your entire purchase!” Then you find out you must spend $200 to get the discount.
Anonymous
Honestly my rule is that if I’m not willing to pay full price I probably don’t love it anyway.
Anon
This. This is what gets me. My closet is full. More discounted stuff is not going to help. Fewer / better things is a worthy 1:1 trade.
Anon
Some of us don’t have that kind of money. LCOL area, associated LCOL salaries, but it’s not like J Crew costs less here than it does in Manhattan or Chicago.
Anonymous
I have a low clothing budget and agree with the anon above, if it’s not something I would be willing to pay full retail for then I am not going to love it more when it’s on sale.
Anonymous
Sometimes I’d be absolutely willing to pay full retail for something, but the bank account isn’t bigger just because I want it more. There’s only so much wiggle in the budget if I don’t want to own one loved item and have holes in everything else because I can’t replace them.
Anon
This is the two versions of me:
Brain me: I need to replace some undergarments, get a duplicate of those jeans, and my sneakers need a backup.
Heart me: OOH fuzzy sweater in pretty colors! On sale!
My closet is bursting with beautiful sweaters and I pulled the jeans out of the laundry basket to wear them again.
Anon
Retailers have done this since the dawn of time. Learn to read the fine print.
Anonymous
“Lying is normal and acceptable and you should just learn to expect it” is certainly one way to think about it…
Anon
A few times when threads have mentioned backdoor Roth IRAs, I’ve tried to figure out how to do it for my household and reached the conclusion we earn too much. My spouse earns $100k, I earn $250k, and we file jointly. Is there a back, backdoor method for us?
Anonymous
I am a little confused by your post. You, as a household, make too much to contribute to a Roth IRA. So, that’s where the backdoor Roth IRA comes into play. You don’t need a back, backdoor Roth IRA, just a regular backdoor Roth IRA.
Anonymous
Look up the white coat investor blog. We make 600k+ and do backdoor Roths every year.
Anon
Yes. Call Schwab or Fidelity or your bank and ask an advisor to walk you through it. Or the person who does your taxes (not HR Block).
IRA
Because you earn too much, you should be doing backdoor. google whitecoat investor for a step by step. but TL;DR is
1 open traditional IRA. 2 put 6500 in it for this year, 7k next year? 3 convert that money to a roth IRA. 4 make sure you do your tax papers right.
Anon
Putting in a plug for Lo & Sons – not only do they have great bags, but their customer service is AMAZING. I emailed them last week because I bought one of their bags in October and they’re majorly on sale now. The salesperson said they’d be happy to do a price correction, but to wait until Monday because they would be even more discounted. I emailed Monday, and have already received confirmation of a $75 refund!!
Carrots
Concur with this! I purchased a bag and 2 years later when the handle had broken, I emailed them if they had a repair shop I could send it to. They just sent me a replacement bag, no questions asked!
Anon
thank you for sharing!
i just bought 3 bags (!) on sale and now I will watch to see what happens monday….
OP
To clarify, by Monday I meant yesterday! I originally emailed them last week
Anon
I need a pair of low-heel or flat black boots. I have Docs, but this would be something more office-ish that possibly would work with dresses. Cost is not an issue, so I want to look at something like Luchese, etc., but it’s hard to know where to find IRL. I have a brown pair of western boots that are 30+ years old and I love them but I need black ones to replace a beloved pair that was donated to Goodwill in error and isn’t currently available (said boots were ostrich — hopefully someone new is loving them b/c I am missing them terribly).
ThursdayNext
I’m currently eyeing the black Chelsea boots from Nisolo and Portland Leather. Probably buying one or both this week to try them on.
Horse Crazy
I’m going to a Catholic mass for the first time ever this Saturday – what do I wear, and what should I expect? It’s a funeral mass (is that even what it’s called?).
Signed, a Jewish girl who’s never gone to church
Anonymous
I’d wear a black dress, or some other combo of dress or nice pants and a blouse in somber colors. All you need to do is sit in respectful quiet during the service. There may be times when the congregation all stands up, you can join or not join, and kneels, which you can certainly skip. There will likely be communion, just make sure you stand up so that anyone in your pew who is going up can get by, otherwise just stay in your seat. You’ll have prayers, hymns (no need to sing along), a brief sermon most likely as well. Figure in and out in an hour.
Anon88
+1 I’d expect you won’t be the only non-Catholic person there, so probably not the only one not standing or kneeling or singing.
Sasha
Wear a simple outfit in dark, neutral colors–black, tan, gray, navy blue. Smart casual– but no jeans, no sneakers. The mass will be about an hour. It’s a lot of call and response, which you can just listen in on. Follow everyone else’s lead on when to stand and sit (it’s mostly sitting, maybe 10-15 minutes total of standing). There are parts where the congregation kneels–you could either kneel as well, or sit in your pew (the benches).
During communion, the congregation will approach the altar to receive the host (piece of bread). You can’t receive the host, but could approach with your arms crossed over your chest in an X (hand to opposite shoulder), and the priest will know to give you a blessing. Or you can wait in your pew, up to you.
Anon
The last paragraph is spot on.
For everything else, play follow the leader: stand when other people stand, sit when they sit, and, if you feel comfortable, kneel when they kneel. If not, stay seated. Say whichever prayers you feel comfortable saying; no one will look at you askance if you are silent during the Apostle’s creed.
LizzieBennet
I’m sorry for your loss.
Yes, it’s called a funeral Mass. Dark-colored workwear is fine: sheath dress, dark pants + sweater, etc. Shoulders should be covered. Total time will be 1-1.5 hours. There’s sitting/standing, but often at funerals and weddings, the priest will say something like “please be seated” because there are likely non-Catholic people in attendance.
There’s usually a reception-type thing afterward – either in the church facilities or at someone’s house. If it’s anything like my family, it’ll get a little boozy.
Please don’t stress too much about it. I am sure the family will appreciate that you’re there.
Anon
This will vary slightly by region, but generally, what you would wear at any funeral. A reasonably covered up, simple black dress, or black pants and a blouse or sweater. No miniskirts or bare shoulders. There will be some singing and possibly a bit of kneeling. You don’t have to say or sing anything or kneel if you’re not comfortable. If you want to follow along, most services have a program listing the prayers and songs. The only thing is, if you’re not Catholic, do not go up to get communion if they’re doing that (they don’t always do for a funeral, depends on the type of service). It’s perfectly acceptable to sit politely in your seat while communion happens, and you can’t receive communion if you haven’t had a first communion and are not Catholic. Also, have a bit of cash ready if a collections basket is passed around.
Anon
I would never donate as a guest at a funeral. There’s zero expectation to do so and it would be quite odd to have a collection anyway.
Anon
Ok, I couldn’t remember if they had collections for a funeral (fortunately, it’s been a while). But I’ve always given a few bucks for the collection if it’s passed around and would feel weird not to, so I just wanted to mention it because I don’t think that happens in Jewish services.
Anonymous
The offering is not taken during a funeral service.
Anon
And I grew up Catholic and absolutely refuse to donate a dime to the CC. I’ll attend events there but that’s a hard line for me.
Anon
Usually there are not collections at a funeral.
Chl
Sorry for your loss. I’m a non catholic married to a catholic. Wear dark clothing like a dress, or slacks and a blouse or sweater. Black is move traditional but grey or navy are generally fine. You’re just supposed to look kind of somber. Don’t sit at the very front unless you’re family. For mass, there will likely be a program or something that you can follow along. I usually stand when everyone stands and sit when people kneel. That is totally fine. When people participating in the communion part of the mass line up to go to the front, just let them out and back into your pew politely and just sit there. You don’t have to say or sing anything you don’t want to. I don’t do the prayers but I’ll generally sing (poorly). No one really cares. Just your respectful presence is the expectation. Do you plan/ intend to go to burial? That’s frequently just a very small intimate group and the mass is the big event.
Anon
Unless it is very, very cold, I recommend a dark colored (black, gray or navy) dress that covers your shoulders, does not show, cleavage, and is not too short. Catholic churches do not reach Orthodox Judaism levels of modesty, but anything appropriate for that community would be appropriate here as long as it is a darker color. There is no need to cover your hair.
In terms of the service, the priest will understand that many of the people attending are not Catholic, and will probably explain what is going on. You will not be expected to participate in the mass, and in fact, non-Catholics cannot receive communion in Catholic churches. That said, it is considered polite to stand when everyone else is standing and sit when everyone else is sitting. If you are not comfortable, kneeling, it is OK to sit during those parts of the service.
You will find it many people do not receive communion. However, if there are people in your row who are trying to get past you and the rows are narrow, it can be helpful to stand up and move to the end of the aisle so they can get by you and then return.
Don’t stress about it! I usher for a lot of funerals, and I can tell you that half the people there have probably never been inside of church before. Everyone just appreciates that you’re coming.
Anon
You’re getting reasonable advice on what to wear generically to a CC, but the level of formality really depends on the family having the funeral. Some are very formal and fancy and others more business casual. I’d check with someone who’s closer to the family.
Anon
Dark clothes are traditional as others said. At some point people will leave their seats and line up for the distribution of the bread and wine. You’ll stay seated, but you won’t be the only one who stays seated and won’t stand out. There may be more tears or crying at the church service, while the tone may shift afterwards for a reception or meal that is more for people to connect with each other.
Anecdata
what to wear – there’s nothing special required bc it’s Mass, I’d go with whatever you’d wear to a funeral usually and/or any guidance the family gave (so probably black or dark colors, unless the family specifically asked people not to)
what to do- it’s going to be really easy, just sit/stand when other people do. There will probably be a brief period when people kneel, if you’re not comfortable with that no one will care if you just sit then. There will be a book in the pews that has the congregations responses but you really don’t need to worry about saying them
A couple specific moments it’s worth knowing about:
– There’ll be a point where the priest says something like “let us offer each other a sign of peace”, and then you shake hands/hug/wave (waving more common since covid; but just do what everyone else is doing) with the people around you and say something like “peace be with you”
– Towards the end, people will line up and go to the front to receive communion – non Catholics and non-practicing Catholics should either stay in the pew (usually you kind of step out to let other people out, and then step back in), or you can go forward and cross your arms (hands on opposite shoulders) when you reach the front, and the minister will say a short prayer/blessing instead of giving you communion
Especially at funerals/weddings/life stuff, it is very very common for there to be non Catholics at Mass (or just Catholics who don’t usually come) and probably the priest or someone will give a little extra explanation to help folks along – and no one will think it’s weird if you seem a little lost
Anon
Normal funeral attire should be appropriate for church (especially in winter!). Any clothing that would be frowned upon at church would be frowned upon at any sort of funeral, so you should be in the clear. Dark or muted dress, skirt + top, or pants + top is fine. It’s fine if you add a cardigan or blazer, and it’s fine not to. Heels, flats, nicer boots, etc. are all fine as well. My “go to” funeral outfit for Catholic and Episcopalian funerals is a black short sleeve work dress (hits just above the knees). In the winter I add black tights, in the summer I go bare legged. In the winter I usually add a layer of some sort (muted colors), nicer black boots, and a wool coat.
After the mass there will likely be a funeral procession to the cemetery for a burial. If you plan on going to this, make sure you’re wearing shoes you can wear on grass as you’ll have to walk on the grass a little to get to the gravesite. Also, wear a warm coat and pack hat / gloves if you need to because you’ll be there for a bit. At the gravesite, there will be a prayer and then mourners will be invited to lay flowers on the casket before it’s lowered into the grave. Usually there’s a reception after the burial.
Catholic funerals tend to have viewings the night before and / or the morning of a funeral. These are almost always open casket, which can be unsettling if you’re not used to it. At a viewing, you’ll pay your respects to the deceased by going up to the casket (if you’re comfortable with doing so) and then there will be a receiving line of close family to greet / pay your respects to.
As for the mass itself – it may be relatively short and to the point or it may be long and more drawn out. You’ll likely be ushered to a pew by an usher, with the first few pews reserved for family. There’ll likely be organ music or other music playing quietly during this time. People will be sitting in mostly silence or speaking quietly with those around them. There is a lot of “up and down” in these types of services; hymns are sung standing, prayers are said kneeling or standing (depending when in the service), and then you sit during the readings, eulogy, and homily. No one expects you to know when to sit, stand, or kneel so just follow what the crowd is doing. You’re welcome to participate in most parts of the mass to the level that you’re comfortable doing so (so if you want to sing a hymn you’re welcome to even though you’re Jewish but also don’t feel like you have to participate). Usually at funerals and weddings the priest knows there are many non-Catholics present and will try to be inclusive with directions. You don’t have to stand or kneel if you don’t want to, but you will look a bit out of place if you don’t. While not everyone sings the hymns or says the prayers, most will still kneel / stand as directed.
The mass will start with a hymn and procession in, followed by an invocation and then a request to be seated. There will be a few readings from the Bible and the eulogy (or many eulogies). The readings and eulogy are likely done by the loved ones of the deceased. There will also be a reading of the gospel which will be read by the priest; there’s a bit of a procession with the gospel readings (there will be a hymn / sung psalm before it). There will then be a sermon or homily by the priest, and then the communion rite, which will include hymns, prayers, and the priest preparing for communion. There are parts of the communion rite that have responses said by the congregation (once again – no requirement to participate). In my experience, at funerals there are usually leaflets with the responses printed for those who don’t know them (or a direction given verbally – for example during the prayers of the people there will be a response but they Lecter will tell you it in advance. For example, they’ll tell the congregation that when they say “Lord in your mercy” the response is “hear our prayer”). There are also certain times people will cross themselves, and once again no expectation to participate.
The only time during which you cannot participate is that you cannot receive communion. Catholics require you to be a Catholic to receive communion, and other denominations require you to be a baptized Christian. During communion, each pew is dismissed to go receive communion from the priest at the alter, then they return to their pew to pray. This can take a while since everyone participates, while this is happening just remain seated in your pew.
After communion it’s almost over, usually another prayer or blessing and a recessional hymn. There will likely be an announcement about the funeral procession instructions as well. After the recession (and the pallbearers have taken the casket out), there’s a bit of mingling (usually you shake hands with the priest on the way out) and then you’ll get in your car and go to the burial.
Be prepared that there will be incense in the church.
No one is expecting that people know what to do, so as long as you’re respectful you’re totally fine. As I mentioned above, funerals and weddings get a lot of non-Catholics at the mass and so the priest knows that not everyone will be Catholic and know what to do.
Anon
My mom’s funeral was:
Rosary
Mass
Reception at a separate church building on-premises
OP, if your funeral details say Rosary, you don’t have to do that, just show up for the mass. Try to take time for the reception if there is one. We had a reception in lieu of a wake & in lieu of burial procession because my mom was cremated.
My late friend’s funeral went pretty much the same way. The burial was the next day. I was asked to attend the burial, but there were only about 30 at the burial vs hundreds at the mass the day before. Since the burial was the following day, there was a reception after the mass. It was closed casket and if there was a wake the day before, I wasn’t aware of it.
Anon
Remembered another friend’s Catholic funeral a couple of years ago – closed casket, mass and reception only, no burial procession, and again if there was a wake the day before, no one I knew attended it.
It’s been a tough few years for friends.
OP, just leave time for whatever comes after the mass, and follow what everyone else is doing.
Anon
I’m a New England non-Catholic in a huge Catholic family, and I’ve never seen a Catholic funeral mass give out flyers to guide the call and response (that would be helpful!). So be aware that may be regional or in an area where the priest expects more folks from different faiths. I just stand respectfully and quietly if I don’t know what to say.
NY CPA
Yes it’s called a funeral mass. I wear the same outfits to Catholic funeral masses as I do to funerals of any faith, including Jewish. Dark dress or nice pants + top. Because funeral clothes tend to be quite sober/modest anyways, being in a Catholic church really shouldnt make a difference. It’s more for weddings where women might wear very skimpy dresses that I might recommend a shawl or something, but Catholic churches are not super strict about that anyways.
Anon
I’ve sadly attended several Catholic funeral masses recently and saw women wearing club attire.
Anon
There have been some people wearing club attire at Catholic funeral masses since I was a kid which was quite a long time ago! I never felt sad about it; I know some Catholics are less straitlaced than others.
Anon
Grew up Catholic and am married to a Jewish man so I’ve been to my share of both events. Everyone has good advice on what to wear (basically the same as what you’d wear to the synagogue) and what to expect process wise. One thing I have never liked about Catholic funerals is that they aren’t very personal (on average, some will have a eulogy but not always, those are often at the wake) and filled with “they’re in a better place”sentiments. Jewish funerals are much more personal and address the emotional state better. I mention it in case it’s someone close to you, I’ve never found them to provide the closure and catharsis of the Jewish tradition.
Anon
The most personal, cathartic funeral I went to was a Quaker funeral. It was so lovely, it made me consider becoming Quaker!
Anon
Quaker here. Yeh, we do have some very tender and lovely funerals.
Anon
You’ve gotten great advice about the service. As far as attire and formality, if this is a local funeral, you know your town best. I lived in DC when a member of our friend group who was from Florida died in an accident. All of us from DC went down to Florida for her Catholic funeral. We were all dressed for an East Coast city funeral – sheath dresses, dark gray suits for the guys, etc. To our complete surprise, everyone from her hometown was wearing whatever they wore for Tuesday in Florida – tropical prints, shorts, flip flops – it was come as you literally are, and we pretty awkwardly stood out as being The Friends From DC. (Outdressing the grieving parents, who were wearing simple business casual, felt especially awkward, though I’m sure they didn’t notice in their fog of pain. (There is likely to be a receiving line of sorts afterwards at the reception, if there is one, where you can pass your condolences to the family.))
Anon
Since I haven’t seen it mentioned yet, incense may also be waved around. Depending on how big the church is you may or may not notice it. If you’re sensitive to smells/smoke and it’s a smaller space, you can just step out for that part.
Anon
I can’t stand the scent of hippie store incense but I love the smell of incense from Catholic funeral masses, which is literally frankincense and/or myrrh.
Anonymous
Depends where you are as well – a CC funeral mass where I live in Europe will not have sing-a-long hymns.
The liturgy of the funeral mass may be in latin, English or a combination. You can find examples online.
Anon
Don’t worry about needing to dress in head to toe black. Wear things you already own in dark colors and dress modestly and you’ll be fine. Others have given you good advice on communion and sitting-standing-kneeling – you can also listen to the song Vatican Rag by Tom Lehrer, which was my late very very Catholic Mom’s favorite.
Anon
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m one of the few non-Catholics in my family. My dad was sadly traumatized by Catholic school and refused to have us, his kids, be part of it. He later married my step mom who is Jewish, so my siblings are Jewish, and we all recently went to a Catholic family funeral mass. They wore their Star of David necklaces and no one batted an eye.
So all of that to say, you aren’t the first to be in this position! Kudos to taking time to research how to be respectful. Dark attire is traditional, although I’ve sadly been to 2 funeral masses in the past few months, and attire was all over with people wearing colors.
As others have mentioned, you don’t have to kneel. You can sit respectfully in the pew. You certainly won’t need to make the sign of the cross (crossing yourself) when others do. There will be a moment where people shake hands with those sitting near them in the pews and wish each other peace, so be aware. You’re welcome to shake hands and return the greeting.
When people stand, I generally will stand up and just clasp my hands in front of me as the prayer is going on.
Don’t go up for Communion. As an adult, I joined a Protestant church. Even Protestants aren’t welcome to participate in Catholic communion (although the other way around is fine).
As another poster mentioned, technically anyone can go up, cross their hands, and receive a blessing. I’ve probably been to over 100 Catholic funeral masses, and I have seen this done 0 times. I personally would feel very awkward doing it. At every mass, I see people like me who sit in the pews so you certainly won’t be out of place doing that. Feel free to stand up, walk to the end of the aisle, and let people pass by you and then just return to your pew. No one will say anything or make you feel bad.
After the mass, you may or may not be invited to a graveside service where the burial happens. Sometimes that’s only for close family. There is typically a large reception in a church hall/Knights of Columbus/VFW type hall or at a restaurant where there’s lots of eating and drinking (alcohol), with a joyous atmosphere similar to a family reunion.
Anon
Episcopalian here with many Catholic family members and I hate the rule that only Catholics can receive communion in a Catholic church while we allow all Christians to receive communion in our church! There are many, many reasons I feel unwelcome in the Catholic Church as a protestant and this is a huge one.
FWIW, my mom (and her entire family) is Episcopalian and my dad (and 75% of his family) is Catholic. So, I’m an Episcopalian who has spent a lot of time in Catholic churches. So much is the same, and yet the Episcopal Church just feels way more welcoming…
Anon
I can appreciate this perspective, but from my perspective, there’s so much unwanted Protestant influence on Catholicism in the Anglophone world that breaking down even more barriers would honestly feel like invasion to me.
Anecdata
I don’t know if this helps on the feelings side, but the way I (Catholic) explain it to non Catholic family and friends is basically – we ask you not to receive the Eucharist /because/ we think your soul and your conscience and your understanding of God are immensely valuable and therefore need to be respected, not because we’re devaluing your own Christianity. We believe something pretty different than most non Catholic Christians, and when we receive the Eucharist, we are literally doing so as an act of worship of the host (ie the thing that looks like a cracker but we believe is actually the literal presence of the omnipotent God) in a way that would absolutely be idolatry if we’re wrong, or would be idolatry for you if you don’t believe what we believe. We don’t want you to commit idolatry for the sake of being polite or blending in at the service (because your conscience is important and needs to be respected!), so we ask those who do not believe as we do to not receive the Eucharist.
bellatrix
Point of order, as a practicing Catholic — it isn’t that Catholics just decided to be exclusive and not let other Christians receive communion, it’s that we believe it is literally the body and blood of Christ, versus just being a symbol. (Don’t ask me to explain how that works – I am not a theologian.) So people who do not share that belief can not take part. I believe there are some branches of Orthodox Christianity who do believe in the True Presence and they can receive in a Catholic church even though they themselves aren’t Catholic. And technically Catholics are not supposed to receive communion outside Catholic churches, because of that same distinction going the other way. (I still did at my brother’s wedding in an Episcopal church – don’t tell the Pope.)
Anon
I guess my question is why would you want to receive Catholic communion if you’re not Catholic? Welcoming people to your church that do not believe in what the church teaches seems kind of counterintuitive. Let people have their own beliefs.
Anon
Because I believe almost all of the same religious beliefs as the Catholic Church. Most of the differences between my church and the Catholic church are not based in religion but rather more recent interpretation (role of women in the church, acceptance of the LGBTQ community). The communion rite in the Catholic Church and Episcopal Church is almost verbatim (well, before the Catholics went back to “and with your spirit”; Episcopalians still say “and also with you”).
Also – I only go to Catholic churches for community-centered events like weddings and funerals. Its meaningful and important to me to feel like I can fully participate in these celebrations of loved ones. Communion is also a comfort to many, being excluded from something so meaningful at a loved one’s funeral is difficult.
Finally, gatekeeping a sacrament to only Catholics and not all Christians is not very Christ-like.
But then again, many of my Catholic relatives think that the only real Christians are Catholic and Episcopalians / Protestants like me “don’t count” so.
Anon
The most protestant thing you could possibly say here is that you believe almost all of the same religious beliefs.
Anon
Anon at 3:24, how so? Plenty of protestant denominations have virtually nothing in common with the Catholic Church but the Episcopal Church is theologically pretty dang similar.
bellatrix
Anon at 3:24, THIS. The issue of whether the Eucharist is the True Presence or a symbol is not a little thing — it’s one of the major differences between Catholics and Protestants. Which is what Episcopalians are. Having the same liturgical structure or weekly readings doesn’t make up for that major difference.
That said, the limits on communion are why my wedding was a service and not a full Mass, and my funeral, whenever it happens, will be the same, because I don’t expect there to be many practicing Catholics there.
Anon
So while Episcopalians don’t believe in transubstantiation, we do believe that we’re quite literally in the presence of God during communion (in a way that we aren’t at other times during the service). I’m not the best at describing “real presence” or “true presence” but it’s something closer to transubstantiation than it just being a symbol or a reminder of Christ (which is how I believe some other protestants view it).
Anon
Bellatrix, except that Episcopalians DO believe in true presence.
Anon
I meant that the idea that a lot of shared beliefs should be the basis of communion is characteristically protestant. The faith that Catholics share really doesn’t add up to all that many beliefs. Catholics believe all kinds of things.
Anon
This is interesting to me because as an Episcopalian I feel like my theology and practice of that theology is much more closely aligned to Catholicism than it is even to other mainline protestant denominations (let alone evangelical or non-denominational protestants!). I feel like a lot of times it’s a misunderstood denomination because obviously yes it’s protestant but both the theology and the liturgy is similar to Catholicism. However, the church is referred to as the via media between the Catholic Church and Protestantism. In addition to more “typical” Episcopal churches, there are Anglo-Catholic churches. I am not very well versed in Ango-Catholic beliefs or practices, so I cannot comment on them more. I also know a few Episcopal priests who believe that in the not-too-distant future the Episcopal Church and Catholic Church will once again be one church. This would be possible because theologically and liturgically the churches really are similar.
There are many reasons that I’m staunchly Episcopalian and not open to ever becoming Catholic, and those are all social issues (namely role of women and LGBTQ individuals in the church) that are derived from interpretation of scripture and theology. I believe that we were all made in God’s image and thus all deserve equal status in and support of the church, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I’ve heard the church described as having a very traditional liturgy but that it’s in otherways very progressive.
Anon
I support the churches rejoining and hope that will happen! I have family who are Byzantine Catholic, so it’s happened before (and to me it sometimes feels like the best of both worlds between Catholicism and Orthodoxy, like keeping the good and having an excuse to set aside some things).
The USA is so English and so Protestant at baseline that I find it hard not to feel defensive maybe more on a cultural level where the culture is southern European Catholic or Irish Catholic immigrant or like I said, Eastern European. The Episcopalians I know (and I know a lot probably because we do have a lot in common!) often express a feeling of similarity that I find hard to reciprocate, but it could be that I’m already in a kind of defensive posture vs. mainstream American culture (like another version of the “how to enjoy Christmas” conversation I suppose).
Anon
I bet that the Episcopalians feel so similar to Catholics because we feel so dissimilar from other Protestants! But to Catholics, Episcopalians are too similar to other Protestants.
I feel you on the culture and defensiveness though. Unless I’m with my mom’s side of the family, I’m often not only the only Episcopalian in the room, but the only non-Catholic in the room. All of my dad’s side of the family, most of my friends, and really most people in my community are Catholic. I actually went to an Episcopalian school and my grade was like 90% Catholic! And so I often feel like I’m the odd man out and can get defensive over it. I once honestly had a classmate (at my Episcopalian school where we had chapel 3x a week and religion class!) tell me that only Catholics are Christian and the only way to be Christian is to be Catholic!!
Anon
Catholics aren’t even supposed to take Communion without going to confession…every Catholic mass funeral I’ve attended has Catholics that don’t go up because they haven’t been to Confession in who knows how long, and their observant (usually elder) relatives are watching and shaming them (us).
bellatrix
Sort of – you need to be in a state of grace, meaning not conscious of grave sin. Regular confession is recommended (and straight up required 2x a year, I think) but beyond that it’s up to your own conscience.
Anon
Protestant here genuinely asking… I’ve always viewed communion as a good opportunity to “commune” with God and as an opportunity to get back on track spiritually when I’ve struggled… Wouldn’t gatekeeping the sacrament only to those in good standing prevent this? Like I feel most connected to God when the wafer is in my mouth, wouldn’t you want to invite members of the congregation who aren’t in good spiritual standing to have that connection?
Anon
As someone who has sat out communion because of missing confession, I’m invited to go to confession, be absolved, and reenter communion… that is what getting back on track consists of. I feel like it’s not really about being in good standing, feelings, or a sense of connection, or that is not how I think of it?
Anon
That’s interesting. So while Episcopalians do have one on one confession / reconciliation with a priest, there’s also a part of the communion rite that’s a confession as well. By including the confession in the communion rite, it allows everyone (all baptized Christians) to receive communion as we’ve recently confessed.
I’ve always liked it because part of it states “I have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed by what I have done and by what I have left undone”. While I’ve gone to reconciliation, I almost prefer this confession because it covers EVERYTHING I may have done or not done. There’s also a period of silence when you can focus on specific sins or transgressions.
Anecdata
anon @5:41 — Catholic Mass actually has a very similar general statement of repentance at the beginning, but we think of it as different from sacramental confession (and the prayer the priest prays over the congregation is not sacramental absolution). To oversimplify, we believe that part of the Mass covers essentially small sins that injure our relationship with God, but not really serious ones that can entirely “kill” the life of Grace (which need sacramental confession)
One way of thinking about the difference is – imagine it’s your anniversary, you’re sitting down to a nice dinner with your spouse, and they say “I really love being your spouse; I’ve loved living life with you this last year and I want to love you even better next year, and I’m sorry for any ways I’ve failed to love you well”. If all that’s between you is the small ordinary daily frustrations, that kind of overall statement would likely make you two closer, more reconciled with each other. But if you and your spouse had just had a huge fight, terrible things were said, you found out your spouse pulled a bunch of money from your retirement fund to pay for an affair, something like that — just saying something generic like that and trying to skip to the nice dinner would likely make your relationship /worse/. It’s hard, but the really bad stuff needs to be directly addressed, and dealt with, and acting like you’re reconciled without doing that work kind of short-circuits that possibility for real reconciliation. (I’m not saying you don’t do that specifically addressing something in mental prayer, just trying to give some insight into why Catholics don’t use the “built in” rites at Mass to cover everything)
Anon
Normal funeral clothes.
Anon
My car smells like mold, I had it thoroughly detailed and smelled fine for a few weeks but now smell is back. Not sure if it’s in systems or surfaces or something else is going on. Any suggestions on what to try next?
Anon
Check in the floorboards and trunk for damp spots.
First, if you have a sunroof, make sure the drains are clear. A clogged sunroof drain typically reveals itself as soggy floorboards/floormats in the front seats. If they’re clogged, cleaning them out is pretty easy, you just need a long piece of wire.
If that’s not it, Google your make/model and water entry. There’s probably a known issue with leaky door seals or the way the body panels are joined. How/if you fix it will depend on the car.
Cerulean
Air filter.
Anonymous
I had my car detailed and ended up with a lot of water inside (kept seeing misty windows). So much so that I went back to the car wash place and yelled at them for not vacuuming up whatever they had sprayed, and so they cleaned and vacuumed the inside. The guy tried to tell me that it might be coming from under the car through puddle splashes if a plastic plug piece was missing. Well, it wasn’t that.I took it took it to the mechanic and he figure out the sunroof had some weird sort of blockage and water was dripping in and traveling to the back of my car (I park on a hill). My trunk carpet was dry(ish) but there was all sorts of wetness underneath. They cleared the blockage and it’s been fine ever since. I feel bad now for yelling at the car wash place manager. Take it to the mechanic. Also, get a bunch of damp rid. That stuff really does help.
anon
Has anyone ever managed someone with a support animal, particularly a dog ? If so, were there parameters around what can be left out over night (i.e., water bowls, toys, etc.) and if animals could be on furniture? In this case we have beanbag chairs so the dog naturally wants to be on one when the employee is but then there is a shedding issue. My direct report works in a common work area when in the office. I’ve spoken to her about the water bowl being emptied nightly but got some resistance to the request. Any advice is appreciated.
Anon
Call your HR department, don’t crowdsource this.
Anon
Is it a service dog or an emotional support animal? The distinction is pretty important. Talk to HR.
Anon
That very much depends on your jurisdiction. Call HR.
Anon
This sounds like it’s an emotional support dog and not a fully trained service dog? Though I’ve never seen an ESA at work, the comment about the beanbag makes it sound like its not a service animal either…
I’d connect with HR, but also not expect HR to be well versed in this. In that case, I’d work with HR to connect with your city or state’s ADA office.
Anon
Girl, this is what HR does for a living.
Anon
It really depends on the size of your HR department. In a small department with 1 person you’re likely to have HR generalists. They are less likely to be well versed in the ins and outs of support animal rules and laws, especially if they haven’t previously had employees with support animals.
Larger companies will have larger HR teams you’ll have someone (or multiple people) who specialize in workplace accommodations and will know.
Many small companies don’t even have HR. Or the person who does payroll also does some HR functions that are semi-related to payroll. Or they outsource HR tasks to a firm with many clients.
I now work in a 30k person company and so our HR department is large and has specialists for all sorts of HR (benefits, onboarding, hiring, recruiting, layoffs and terminations, FMLA). Before this I worked at a 40 person company and our finance / accounting / payroll / grants guy also did HR as an “other duty as assigned” and he would not know where to start with this question (his degree and experience is in accounting).
Anon
I have managed someone with a support animal. Where I am, there is no distinction from service animal or support animal. I will refrain from sharing my experience and urge you to not take any of this in your own hands and do everything through HR. I beg you.
Anonymous
It might be too late for this but I have a friend vent: friend A had a falling out with friend B’s fiancé. I’ve only heard friend A’s side of the story but fwiw it seems like they both share some blame. I take no position other than “I’m sad that there’s this rift and hurt feelings, I hope you all can work it out.” Friend A is not invited to Friend B’s destination wedding and is upset about it. Friend A booked her flight and a room at the resort where the wedding will be held. I told her that’s a terrible idea and if she wants an invite then she should mend fences with B. She says B owes her an apology not the other way around so she won’t reach out to B first. I think B will be upset if she finds out that I knew about the planned wedding crashing and didn’t say anything. I guess I could tell a white lie that I didn’t think A would actually go through with it. I really don’t want to be in the middle of this. What should I do? Nothing?
Anon
I’m normally anti-meddling but I would tell Friend B about Friend A’s plans. That’s crazy that’s she’s planning to show up at the wedding uninvited!!!
Anon
This is bonkers. Tell Friend A that you don’t support what she’s doing and are not pleased to be put in the middle and will be giving a heads up to Friend B and then do that.
Anon
This is not normal behavior. Since friend is acting like a crazy stalker you owe bride a heads up.
Anon
Agreed. You were right to stay out of it but friend A is definitely crossing the line where, if this were an AITA post, I would assume it was fake and stop reading. Like who does this??
Anonymous
Tell Katy that crashing Sheana’s wedding is a terrible idea but if she is going to do it, you should definitely not sneak off to hang out with Katy during the bridal events and get caught, LaLa.
Anon
HA that’s exactly what I thought of! But I doubt OP’s friend is losing income by being iced out of Vanderpump episodes. Friend A has no excuse.
Anon
Oh, you have to tell the bride ASAP. Friend A is off her rocker.
Anon
What in the early 2000s chick flick is this?
Tell the bride.
Cerulean
Why do you think you need to protect friend A by not telling B? Of course you tell B. She can then warn the venue not to let A in to any wedding events. Unless A is having some sort of major (major!) mental crisis, you really need to reconsider your friendship with her. This is bonkers.
NYCer
100% tell Friend B.
Anon
How do you handle trash/recycling responsibilities in a small condo? I’m in a 7 unit building, and we (my husband and I) and 1 other unit ever haul the bins to and from the sidewalk.
My husband is really fed up. We have joint bins. I’ve considered asking the city to give us our own bin, and just move that…although I recognize other units might use it.
We don’t want a trash war, but we have been here a year and a half and this isn’t fair. There were a few weeks where we and the other unit didn’t do it due to travel, over the summer, and no one did it. The bins overflowed until the following week.
Anonie
Getting your own bin and marking it “for unit XX” only would be a good first step.
Also, is there a chance other units think the condo management company moves it? Do you have a management company? SHOULD they be moving the bins or can you ask them to? Seems like that’s part of what HOA dues should cover.
No Problem
I think the point is that in a tiny building like the OP’s, there is no condo management. It’s just the owners because there isn’t a building manager or such who would have this as their responsibility as in a much larger building. And if the trash pickup people require the bins to be moved to the curb for pickup, someone in the building has to do it (aka one or more of the owners).
Anon
Thanks – your comment prompted me to call the city’s 311 non-emergency line, and I learned they don’t supply bins anymore. I can buy one online for under 100 bucks, so that’s going on the list!
Anon
I’m in a 6 unit building and we have commercial trash. Several large trash and recycling cans that are emptied 2x a week by the contracted service. It’s been set up like this as long as I have lived in this building and the price is baked into our HOA fees.
Prior to this, when I lived in small buildings there were no common trash buildings (and no outdoor trashcans at all). Each unit just took their own trash out. I was basically limited to one trash bag’s worth of trash a week since I had no place to store additional trash.
No Problem
You’re going to have to use your words with your neighbors and set the expectation that this is a joint responsibility. Set up a rotation and put everyone on it – ideally this is done by the person who is the current chair of the association. Maybe each party is responsible for two weeks at a time, maybe a month, whatever makes sense. People are allowed to trade if they’re going to be out of town or otherwise unable for some reason. If someone is truly unable to do it (disabled, elderly, etc.) they could be left off the list. If someone routinely “forgets” when it’s their turn, you could ask whether they would prefer to just do it every week so they don’t have to remember when it’s their turn (kidding! kind of).
Anon
Just use your words. They probably don’t know you do it. Come up with a schedule at a building meeting.
Anon
Thanks for the tips and feedback. I’m the OP. We’ve had 0 building meetings, and our Board of Trustees is 1 person, an absentee landlord. It’s tough because of the 7 units, 3 are owner-occupied (and 2 of us are doing the trash hauling), and the other 4 are owned by separate landlords who I’ve never met.
We pay HOA fees to a management company that is “financials only”, meaning they essentially collect and disburse the funds. They don’t do any maintenance or repair.
I’m going to start an email chain over the break to start the conversation with owners.
Anon
Figure out how to get a maintenance crew to do this. Bring it up at the next board meeting.
RiskedCredit
As the owner of my building with 2 rentals, I got annoyed with the expectation that I would take the trash to the curb. My solution was to set up a management company and I paid myself.
While you have others in your building, nothing wrong with you getting quotes from other companies and then price matching. The others are all free riding.