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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 287 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  1. Walnut Creek

    Does anyone here live in Walnut Creek or any of the nearby towns? My partner and I are considering relocating from Oakland and want to know what it’s like. We would need to be able to commute to Berkeley daily, are interested in the outdoors, and prefer peace and quiet to hustle and bustle. Safety is a concern (we would like to see improvements on our current location), but school system is not (no kids). We are also renters and it looks like we could get more bang for our buck on that side of the hill. Any advice would be welcome.

    • Anon

      I’m the opposite. I live in Berkeley and commute to the WC area. I would never live there. To each her own but it’s super suburbia, very white, and be prepared for the traffic to Berkeley. It’s real.

      • Walnut Creek

        We would like to stay in Oakland or Berkeley, but there are 0 (literally 0) new apartments on Craigslist that meet our criteria that we can afford (and they’re so far above affordability that I don’t know if it’s even worth it to search through other sources). There seem to be a lot more options in Walnut Creek. I’ve heard it’s more diverse than it used to be, although of course I’d be interested in hearing if those reports have been exaggerated.

        How about taking BART?

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      Walnut Creek is increasingly diverse as the Bay Area gets more and more expensive and people are pushed further out into the suburbs – but still be prepared for significant adjustments from urban Berkeley to very suburban Walnut Creek. I know lots of people who take BART from Walnut Creek into SF and assume that Berkeley is no different. I don’t know if you have had a car in Berkeley, but you’ll definitely need cars in Walnut Creek.

      WC is hotter than the East Bay, which is a big change for some people. You definitely will want central AC.

      I think you definitely get more bang for your buck in Lamorinda or Walnut Creek, and if your commute is just to Berkeley, I’d do it. Good luck!

    • Anon

      I lived in Walnut Creek not too long ago and visit regularly. It is safe. It is a suburb with increasing “urb” each year. While I love the Open Space, Mount Diablo, and other easily accessible recreation options, I do not love the downtown. There is tons of shopping but the restaurants are increasingly overbooked and the food quality/interest is mediocre. Lots of chain and non-chain mainstream Italian, sandwiches, pizza, Greek, BBQ but not a lot of truly good and pleasant places to eat. The parking downtown has also become an issue. There is practically no night life aside from a couple of bars where 20-somethings visiting parents for the weekend make a$$es of themselves with high-school friends. Aside from this, the town is very pleasant and well-served with all amenities in easy reach. The traffic in the tunnel is a bit better now that the third bore is open but expect it to be quite slow at rush hour. Don’t discount super easy access to Danville, Pleasant Hill, Lafayette, etc – places with more parking, restaurants, libraries, parks, etc all within a 10 minute drive.

      If you commute by BART: the WC parking fills up early. You can drive to Lafayette BART instead and park there.

      Almost regardless of where in Oakland you currently are the feel of Walnut Creek is very different. It feels much smaller and really just safer, but you may also find yourself missing the “happening”. In Oakland, every trip (car or BART) is an adventure or a people-watching opportunity. In comparison, WC can feel a little boring despite how hard the local teenagers work to convince you otherwise. Personally, I’d find it a relief after a day spent in Berkeley.

    • lily

      I live very near by – in Orinda but grew up in Berkeley. If you want a nice, suburb then Walnut Creek is for you. It has excellent shopping if you like Nordstrom – it is also near mt Diablo state park which has amazing trails and hiking. Orinda is a bit more upscale and a little less suburban. Berkeley is fun and has a more vibrant community and amazing food (and cooler weather).

      If you can afford it my first choice to live would be Berkeley or a orinda (both more expensive than Walnut Creek) but Walnut Creek very nice – as is Danville and San Ramon (both suburbs).

      • Walnut Creek

        I don’t know that much about Orinda – how are the rents there? I didn’t see too many listings on Craigslist, but maybe it’s not a Craigslist market.

        We are definitely more into the hiking trails (we often hit up Tilden after work in Berkeley) than the shopping, although it would be nice to not have to drive into SF to go to a Nordstrom.

    • Kiki

      Bart is excellent option – I take it every day from Orinda station to downtown SF.

  2. Hermione

    Hi all! I start a new job on Monday in the same org as I’m at now, but in the Digital part where they dress down. Do I go for black skinny jeans, nice top, and a cardi? Suit trousers would be very out of place and it’s (finally) too warm for my most formality-ambiguous dress (it has a funnel neck).

    • AnonAM

      Hey! I work in the Digital (dressed down) side of a company too. Black, or dark wash (no rips) jeans, nice top, and some kind of soft topper is my uniform. My first week was in the winter so I wore black ankle pants and nice oversized sweaters then, but the ankle pants are definitely reserved for presentation or corporate- is-visiting days now.

    • dressing down

      This sounds perfect, and jersey dresses are also great! My go-to summer uniform is jersey dress, plus cardigan, plus cute flats, mainly because it’s too hot outside to wear jeans, and too cold inside to go without something covering my arms :)

  3. Crocs

    How are the flats from Crocs that they offer these days (the ones that look more like regular flats?) They look like they might be good for travel, but I’d like reviews first. I tend to need a lot of arch support.

    • Wordy

      I have them, and they are great for rainy weather, but while they are cushy on the bottom, I find they have zero arch support, so I don’t wear them all day. I have high arches too.

    • Guess so

      I have the Eve flat, and they were comfortable at the first go, but since then, I’ve noticed a bizarre fit problem: the front of the shoe seems to almost curve in towards the instep. They didn’t cut it for the walking portion of my commute (1.4 mi/~20 min each way) because they​ started rubbing horribly at the outside of my toes. I’m actually going to try to return them.

      I have high arches and strong feet, so I can’t really comment on the support/cushion because I don’t need it, but I just don’t think they’re well-engineered shoes at all.

  4. New suits

    Does anyone have thoughts on the quality of Theory suits these days? I’ve finally admitted to myself that the suits I bought 5-6 years ago from Banana and JCrew no longer really fit, so I need some new ones, but don’t want to pay for Theory if the quality is not there anymore. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I am still a BR fan — more wool in their wool and the pants are lined. Plus, different pants cuts to choose from.

      • Anonymous

        I like BR, but I do do some tailoring on the pants. The petite two-button jackets fit me perfectly.

      • kc

        Theory – big important difference between outlet and regular. I’ve bought suits at both, and the difference is huge. they have a straight to outlet line that the quality is just bad. I’ve had my navy suit from bloomingdales for a while and I think they quality is good, but not great. The pants are quite itchy and the dress too, i have to wear a slip for itchy-ness. If i could do it again, I would’ve sprang for a boss suit or something else. Theory fits me like a dream, but I wish I had looked around.

    • JB

      Make sure they’re lined! I’ve seen a few unlined Theory suits recently, which I would not expect for its price point.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        That has surprised me too.

        Also, single button suit jackets are a deal-breaker for me, and I have not seen any recently than are 2-3 button.

      • Eliza

        +1. I love Theory but I’m not about to pay their prices for unlined wool pants.

  5. Clementine

    I posted this morning about paying off a chunk of student loans and one commenter made the point that we SHOULD be talking about finances with our friends in real life.

    So, should we be talking more with our friends about money?

    My two cents is: while I understand the practical reasons, the few times I’ve brought up financial things with friends, it has gone over like a lead balloon. I’m talking things like, ‘Yeah, we’re saving up for a new car but it’s nice to not have a car payment!’

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      My friends and I definitely talk personal finance. It is helpful since many of us are dealing with the same issues.

      • Urethrah

        Me too. I’ve learned more from my friends and then I did from my parents. I guess it’s the same thing for $ex. Parents don’t want to talk about it.

    • Anonymous

      I am quite financially literate and have set my finances up so that all the right things happen automatically and adjust periodically as needed, but I hate money and thinking about it stresses me out. So, no, I don’t really want to talk about money with my friends. I would actually rather discuss it here where there is anonymity and you can just shrug off judgment when you don’t agree with someone’s perspective.

      • Jillian

        I’d love to meet a fellow professional woman who does not get stressed over money or $ex. I think we inherently seek out a man to support and protect us, but do not want to prematurely give out our bodies without adequate assurance of future protection from said man, both physical and economic. That is why we insist on marriage to men with the ability to provide for us, in exchange for $ex and children.

          • Ann

            I think she’s saying that she’s not going to let any man bone her. And I agree. I won’t have a selfish slob sweat all over me, climax and then roll over. I want satisfaction too.

    • Sharing

      I think it’s helpful to talk more frequently about practical concerns without going into specifics but it very much depends on the friend. I find personal finance conversations fascinating but most of the time, the conversation tanks. I think the more you have in common with the person you are talking with, the better. It’s hard when there are jealousy issues at play. I have found the most value in speaking openly with my neighbor, but I bet we’re in more similar situations than I am with a lot of other friends.

    • ...

      I’m open with friends when they ask, in terms of things like “had a good month last month, which let me pay off a credit card” or “am celebrating myself tonight because I maxed out my retirement for the year!” some friends have told me what they make in numbers, I’ll mention it if asked or if it comes up for some reason… I think there’s a difference between bragging/complaining and being open to discussion.

      If you’re telling me about your money struggles because you seem to think it’ll make me pick up the check when dinner ends, that’s a problem. If you’re telling me because we’re friends and you could use some support, that’s a-ok. If you’re telling me about your new car because you’re thrilled with the purchase, I’m excited for you. If you’re telling me and then talking down about my used vehicle or commenting on how people with used vehicles look poor, that’s not going to work for me.

      I tend to do a lot of financial research and know a solid amount about money, negotiating salaries, etc. and always am happy when a friend asks my thoughts on something and I’m not embarrassed to ask if we can split an appetizer during happy hour because money’s tight if someone asks to meet up, so I guess it’s more the intention and the intonation for me than the topic!

    • R.V.

      I really want to know what my friends with their own firms make. I would love to know just to have a baseline figure for what I could expect if I went on my own.

    • Solo

      That was me. I have been paying my loans very aggressively for the last few years, and because it takes up so much of my budget, I have to talk to my friends about it because I am choosing to pay them rather than take a weekend trip, go out for dinner, etc. They know it’s important to me. I also talk to them about how much I make, and it has opened discussions with a few people and allowed me to better understand some of the thing that keep them up at night. I’m not saying it works for everyone, but I truly think that the more we normalize it, the better off we will be.

      • Clementine

        Interesting! Thank you.

        I think I’m realizing that I just have two friends in particular wherein they can talk about their financial situations, but it’s very not cool for me to talk about mine. One bemoans the fact that ‘Everything is so much easier because you have Spouse to split things with,’ while the other has a partner who is very much the tortured, starving artist and overall has a different set of money values than I do.

        I have had some good money conversations with a couple coworkers though- maybe that’s the angle I should take to normalize these things.

    • Cookbooks

      With my closest friends, I will. Sometimes I need a sounding board and I trust them to be honest without being judgmental.

    • Anon

      YES! In terms of talking about salary, it makes it much easier to negotiate salary, plan career pathing, etc. when you have a good idea of what different career paths make. I also think it’s helpful to talk about investing, especially if you’re someone who has a lot of knowledge. It often opens the door for questions from a friend who is intimidated by investing. In terms of savings/spending, it can be helpful to know that other people are in the same boat and are open to doing activities that cost less, etc.

      Bottom line, I think there are lots of benefits to sharing more about personal finances and normalizing talking about money.

    • Marshmallow

      Many of my friends (and me) are comfortable talking about money, while others are not. We’re at an age where people are paying off student loans/ buying homes/ starting to pay for kid stuff, so it just comes up naturally. It also helps that every full-time job I’ve ever had, my salary has been either a matter of public record or easily Google-able, so it’s not like I have secrets to keep.

      I think it’s helpful to talk with friends who have similar financial challenges and compare notes on different areas where they are okay with sacrifice and others we don’t want to, thoughts on refinancing student loans or where to get a mortgage, etc. And frankly it helps make group plans. When most of the group is paying off grad school and/or saving up to buy a house, and we all know that, it makes it easy to say “let’s grill in Joe’s backyard instead of going out.”

    • Anonymous

      I’ve had it go well talking openly to coworkers about money, because there we can almost always find common ground. Either we have similar backgrounds, or similar incomes, or similar attitudes. We also spend so much time in each others’ pockets that we tend to overhear phone calls from creditors and talk about big ticket purchases.

      I think it’s actually even better than talking to friends, because it’s the most important for professional advancement.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        This. I work at a nonprofit where our salaries are known to everyone who works there, with very little difference, and they’re LOW. My boss and I talk about income, big ticket purchases (or small purchases, really), student loans, saving, etc a lot and it’s been really helpful to me because two years ago he made exactly what I make now.

    • Anon

      I make vastly more than my friends and family, so I try to avoid talking about it, or we do it in generalities (e.g., my sisters each make about 1/4 of what I do and my best friends are probably around half of what I do). Easier (obviously) with friends who are also in BigLaw because we are at the same. I think I will be talking more to friends who have kids about various ways to save for kids college (529 vs. prepaid plans, etc.), financial planning, etc., but still at a general level. I don’t think most of my friends know my BigLaw salary is essentially googleable, but it is the reason my husband is going to be able to stay home with our new baby no problem.

      • NYNY

        DH and I are in a funny position about this, because we’ve had to have a lot of money conversations with his mother and two brothers recently. His mom is overextended, and we’re all trying to get her in a more secure place by having her move out of her super-mortgaged house. The brother who lives in the same city will move in, take over the mortgage payments, and cover labor/costs of small improvements to prepare the house to sell. But both brothers are dealing with recent financial blows (job loss, separation) that are making the whole thing challenging. We’re in the best place financially, but don’t want to prop up the whole endeavor, so we’re working hard at setting boundaries.

        I’m not sure if I’m adding anything to this convo, but want to acknowledge that talking about finances is hard, because it ends up being about choices, ego, and luck as much as anything else.

    • Anon

      Honestly I wish friends would be more willing/able to talk about investments. I don’t want to know (or share) actual numbers — more like are you throwing money into the market on this dip? Do you think Home Depot/Apple/whatever are over/valued right now etc. I talk to 1 friend about it, but I wish there were more who were interested or informed. But people either take it as bragging (I’m not — I don’t see how putting 2k into a stock is bragging when everyone in the crew is a lawyer making 150k+) OR they launch into the — market timing never works lectures and act like you’re stupid (including on this website). Reality is — you can be on auto invest to max out 401ks etc. and STILL be putting additional taxable money into investments — for purposes other than retirement and that does require some judgment re when to put it in.

    • Meg March

      I’m mid-20s, married, living in a large city, for reference. We talk about money with all of our friends, but the amount of clarity varies. I think it’s important to talk about money, but don’t push or ask people about their finances– I simply share mine. If they want to reciprocate, fine, or we can talk about the topic in generalities.

      I know how much all my friends pay in rent, but that’s very common in this city. Beyond that, my friends and I talk about raises, salary negotiation, and bonuses, mostly in terms of percentage. Friends and I have celebrated paying off loans– all of us graduated undergrad with loans, of various amounts, so it’s a shared experience. We talk a lot about credit cards and we all ended up getting the Chase credit card that had the good rewards after one guy got it.

  6. Not A Flaw

    What’s your favorite thing to see in/on a person that they might consider a flaw?

    Mine? I love big hair when the woman is walking confidently! Whatever the race or age or height, there’s just something epic to me about a woman with huge hair (whether it’s frizzy or short and fluffy or an afro or major curls, etc.). I love watching a woman move through the world embracing something that makes her unique, not trying to tame it or tie it down or hide it!

    Also, I love freckles! Whether it’s seeing a celebrity without theirs being airbrushed/makeup’d out or someone who doesn’t try to cover theirs, I just think they add such character to a face and I hate the makeup trend to try to hide them!

    Wondering what some of us might feel insecure about that others of us actually really love :)

    • Anonymous

      I also love big curly hair and freckles. Love.

      Also… As someone very slender, I’ve gotta say my body shape is not that popular with the guys. Curves + confidence is much s3xier, and unfortunately guys will remind me of that…. Bleh….

      • ELS

        You know, I think that’s really unfortunate, because I think slender women are very pretty. I have the exact opposite body shape (I’m basically an X shape), and I always notice with admiration the slender ladies I am around in daily life, and sometimes think wistfully about what it would be like not to have massive thighs.

        Not to say you’re not entitled to be frustrated, of course.

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        Yeah, I am the same way. I am really slender, tall, lightly muscled, not curvy, and long-limbed.
        Shrug. I am sort of glad men generally don’t find my body type attractive. This means I don’t get bothered on the street, even if I am wearing form-fitting or minimal clothing. My body type/proportions/size is fairly unique, so I like that part about it too-except when buying clothes.

    • Anon

      I love a confident jolie laide (literally ugly-pretty) woman, especially if she is older. Someone like Angelica Houston. I cannot take my eyes off these types and always want to be best friends.

    • I also love big hair

      I have very fine hair that I keep short because I literally cannot make it big. Whenever people get upset about their hair frizzing in the humidity, I just want to say let it frizz, it’s gorgeous!

    • Marshmallow

      Interesting noses! I think a nose with a bump or just a prominent nose makes a woman look so beautiful and distinguished.

      Ditto freckles, which (unlike an interesting nose) I have in abundance. My freckles are one of my favorite things about myself.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne

        I have so many freckles I sometimes joke that the only way I’ll tan is if all my freckles merge. I love them and refuse to do anything to minimize them.

        • anonypotamus

          I am the same way and make this joke ALL the time. still waiting on it to actually happen though…

    • Anony-mouse

      Tall people in high heels. I hate the old-fashioned thinking that tall women shouldn’t wear heels because they might be taller than the guys or it’s intimidating somehow. If heels are your thing, ROCK THEM! I love it when tall women wear heels with confidence!

      • Anonymous

        Hell yes! (I am that tall person that wears heels). I’m not getting any shorter, so I might as go the other way. :)

      • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

        Yay! I am 5’11” and typically wear 3-4″ heels. It’s not like I am ever going to be anything close to seeming average anyways. Plus I love shoes.

    • Not That Anne, The Other Anne

      I like when women have visibly grey hair, no matter what age they are. Not the hipster dyed grey hair, but actual gray hair. There’s a confidence level in rocking the greys.

  7. Share Something Happy/Exciting, Please!

    I’ll start!

    I just landed tix to all 4 Garth concerts in LA in late July. It wasn’t cheap and finding a place to sleep, flights, and transportation will cost me so so much, but I’ve waited to see him live in an arena setting since 1989 and I figured, if I’m spending the flight money anyway, why not soak up as much of the experience as I can!

    I am over the moon excited about the entire situation and refuse to let my need to live very frugally all summer dampen my spirits even though I’m pretty typically very cautious and calculated with how I spend my money!

    • Anonymous

      My 10-year-old is rocking it lately. She just achieved a very big goal for which she has worked very hard over the past two years. She successfully dealt with an issue at school without any intervention from me. And she can now do her own ponytail.

      • Cait

        Congratulations! The ponytail thing was a big milestone for me in terms of independence when I was growing up. And HOORAY for students learning how to deal with issues in their own lives without turning to adults for everything. She sounds like an awesome kid!

        • Anon

          I’m a 27 year old prosecutor and I still can’t do my ponytail like my mom used to.

          • Rachel

            I wasn’t aware they teach ponytail braiding in law school nowadays! Or maybe they do for millenials who are not self sufficient! Oy!

    • Anonymous

      I am NOT a concert person but Garth Brooks in concert was beyond incredible. Have fun!

      • Walnut

        +1 We snagged tickets two or three years ago when he did a big round of concerts and it was great. I’m not I’ve seen a performer have more fun at their own show than Garth.

        • ELS

          Yes. I’m not even a huge country music fan. I went with a friend who LOOOOVES Garth, and it was the most fun.

    • Anon

      I got 20% off new frames at the eye doctor this morning without asking! I think it’s because I’m pregnant and I’m going to enjoy the benefits while they last.

      • anon in case this offends, though it isn't intended to!

        you’re growing a human. a legit human being is growing inside of you stealing nutrients and squishing your bladder and all that stuff. You take every discount you can get, you clearly are earning it! :D

        • ponte python's flying circus

          also fun to contemplate: you now have 2 brains, 2 livers and 4 kidneys (even if you’re just the incubator for one set). ;)

          • Anon

            When I was pregnant with my son it blew my mind that I was manufacturing a p enis.

          • Marshmallow

            This actually made me laugh out loud!

            Here’s something else mind-blowing: my friend recently gave birth to a girl and pointed out that because baby girls are born with all their eggs intact, that means she actually carried (parts of) her own future grandchildren. WHAT EVEN.

      • Anon

        I am anon and I love it! You’re all right. I have to start milking this more…

    • SC

      I’m going to the beach with husband, my kid, and my MIL next weekend, and we’re planning lots of time in the pool and on the beach and lots of good food and wine. Also, we’re staying in a family member’s beautiful condo for free, so the only expenses are gas and groceries :-)

    • Anonymous

      Turns out my little boy is pretty great at soccer, and he’s been practicing on his own all the time out of the love of playing! Makes me so proud to witness — never really figured I’d be proud of my little kid’s athleticism like this. (OMG, with this, did I just become a soccer mom?!)

    • Anon

      I’m just finishing up attendance at a conference where I not only got to see a bunch of old friends, I was also the “ultimate client”, which meant everyone wanted to meet me, buy me a meal or a drink, and be super nice to me. I know they just want my company’s bucks but it was pretty fun.

      I usually attend conferences that are more limited to my company type, where my fellow attendees are peers, and I am not nearly as popular!!

    • Anon

      I’ve been struggling to make friends in a new city, but I recently met some people that I really click with! It’s exciting to have a solid social life to look forward to again.

    • Anon for this

      I just committed to return to my firm after a clerkship! I had another offer with a higher clerkship bonus, but turned it down because I’m so excited to return to my old line of work with a group of people I’m genuinely happy to work with. I felt like a boss having multiple offers and ultimately being able to make a choice that was best in the long term.

      • Q

        Congrats! How long did you work at your firm before you clerked? I am a junior associate and am semi-regretting not trying to clerk…

      • Anon for this

        Two years. I think working for two or three years is the just-right amount of time, but probably wouldn’t go more than that. Maybe, for a really awesome district judge or a circuit clerkship, and/or if you want to use your clerkship to pivot to another firm or practice area, stretching it another year might make sense.

        And it takes a huge amount of lead time to apply for a clerkship, oy. If you’re thinking about it even a little, apply ASAP and see what happens. Good luck!

    • MKE

      We bought a hand-fed baby parakeet last weekend; it is sweet and fluffy and adorable and wants to sit on my shoulder all day.

      AND what I can’t tell anybody in real life — my daughter got a perfect 800 in the math portion of the SAT. Yay!

    • Thisperson1

      My middle son graduates from boot camp in less than three weeks. Even though we only get him at home for 10 days, I CAN’T wait. And it’s double good things. My future DIL is fantastic and rather than splitting time with him, she asked if she could stay with us for the 10 days so we all get to soak up time with him.

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne

      I just bought season tickets to the local performing arts center’s 17/18 season and it includes a performance by a world class dance company that almost comes to Flyover Country. I simultaneously feel like an adult for buying season tickets and a kid for the fact that I will get to see this dance company.

      • Not that Anne, the other Anne

        Almost NEVER comes to Flyover Country. I’m so excited I’m leaving words out.

    • Coach Laura

      My brother is coming out of his coma after a stroke last week and didn’t need brain surgery. Deficits are unknown but we are hopeful.

      • ck

        Oh, thank goodness!!

        The young brain is truly amazing. It may be a slow process, but there is a very very good chance he will do well. Give it time. If he is still in the coma and not talking, whisper in his ear and tell him you are with him, he is safe in the hospital, and he is slowly getting better after a stroke. Chances are good that he can hear you. Always assume he can always hear you…. So do not say things in front of him (or let the doctors/nurses say things) that are not appropriate for him to hear. Play his favorite music in his room. Read to him.

        Bleeding stroke or blood clot stroke?

        • Coach Laura

          Thanks for the reply CK. He’s not really young (50) so he doesn’t have the benefit of a young brain though is is kinda young for a stroke. He is communicating so we know that he knows who we and his girlfriend are, so that’s positive. He was able to make it known that he wanted her to go in the ambulance when he was transferred to a new hospital yesterday. May come off the vent tomorrow. It was a blood clot stroke but they say there was bleeding too so I’m not sure.

          • ck

            50 is young for a stroke. Very young!

            Ischemic strokes (caused by a blood clot) often start to recover earlier than the bleeding only strokes. He may have had a small amount of bleeding with his blood clot stroke, but that is still ok.

            He will need time, and intensive physical therapy. The goal for him will be to get out of the hospital and to an Acute Rehabilitation Hospital with expertise in Stroke as soon as possible, and to fight to stay there as long as insurance will allow and to continue to do intensive outpatient therapy as long as possible.

            The brain can heal for weeks, months, YEARS after stroke. He will need to work hard, but he will improve. No one can read the future – not even the doctors – so if anyone tries to tell you know how much he will improve, do not believe them. Clueless doctors unfortunately sometimes say thoughtless things. But if you find a neurologist who says that his chances are better because of his young age, that he will need to do intensive rehab and work hard, and only over time will they know how things will improve…. THAT is the doctor your believe.

            So there is always hope. Always.

            FYI – many (most?) people develop depression after stroke. It is probably related to the brain injury itself and other factors. It is very important that this depression is treated (meds +/- support group) and treated early. Because when you are depressed, you aren’t able to participate as well with therapy and you don’t recover as well…… and it just stinks for you and everyone around you.

  8. CHL

    Anyone know of good learning options for Java or other Object Oriented Programming, most likely for someone with some very basic programming background, but not a ton? I’m interested in any anecdata about good bootcamps, MOOCs, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Any basic teach yourself Java book will do the trick, but there are also tons of online tutorials. Try something that seems fine and then switch if you don’t like it. They’ll probably all be fine.

    • AnonAM

      If you want in person learning, try to find a startup hub in your area. Our coworking space/startup hub has amazing weekend classes.

    • Old golden loafers

      Years and years ago, there was this book «Thinking in Java». Don’t know if it’s still around, but it was truly great!

  9. Anonymous

    I have some gift cards to bloomingdales right now (oops). Like $500… What should I buy??? Work wardrobe is in good shape. Early thirties following around kids a lot.

    I feel like they don’t have what I want right now! Anyone get something lately they loved? Yes, open-ended but I’ve been sitting on this money too long.

    • ...

      If it were me, I’d buy nicer quality necessity items… gorgeously fluffy bath towels and robe, nicer fabric versions of some of the clothing items I wear most (work or weekend), upgrade my home decor, upgrade my bedding or maybe buy a new piece of furniture with it, etc. If there’s nothing I need need but it has to get spent, I always look to upgrade the stuff I already know I love!

      Or look at the gifts you buy throughout the year and pre-purchase… take care of birthdays, weddings, and holidays and put them away knowing it cost you nothing out of pocket and you don’t have to deal with the shopping later!

      • SC

        All of these are great ideas! I especially love the ideas of bedding/towels and gifts for later in the year!

        I’d also suggest some high quality kitchen items – a Le Creuset dutch oven, a good nonstick pan, and an AllClad skillet would add up to $500. Or a Vitamix, or a KitchenAid mixer with some of its accessories.

        If you can’t tell, I’d have no problem spending $500 :-)

      • Ellen

        If I had $500 to spend at Bloomie’s, I would go STRAIGHT to the Louis Vuitton area and see what I could get for that money. I now find that his stuff makes me look very classy, so even if it is just a handbag, I think I will be very profesional with a handbag with HIS name on it. If that was not good enough, I would go and see what kind of clotheing was in at the Ralph Lauren area. With summer here, I need to look good at the beach, or at least at the Manageing Partner’s house in the Hamton’s. So I could get some nice stuff @ Bloomies that I would wear at the beach. I think I would NOT get anything that shows to much of my tuchus, b/c it is still 3 pounds too heavey. FOOEY! Dad says I need to cover my tuchus until I am svelte again, and he mentioned that women with big tuchusses are NOT attractive to him. FOOEY b/c the men I meet all like me and that includes my tuchus. Granted they just want to have s-x with me, but still, I think that my tuchus is NOT that much of a liabilitie. My compromise with Dad is that I hope to get my tuchus under control, but that should NOT stop me from buying clotheing until such time as I am svelte. YAY!!!

    • Anon

      Jewelry. Always jewelry. I love a good Dutch oven as much as the next person, but jewelry is the ultimate just-for-me treat.

        • Anne-on

          +1 to stocking up on new bras/stockings/tights/robes. I hate spending money on that stuff, but it makes me feel much better when they are new/well fitting.

  10. Cool me down!

    Any recommendations for a portable air conditioning unit? Despite having a new central air system, our 2nd floor bedroom over the garage is unbearable. Thank you!

    • Anonymous

      Call the company that installed your new system. Make sure all dampers and registers are adjusted properly. If that’s not enough, there are supplementary units you can have installed in the wall that are much quieter and more efficient than a portable unit.

    • mascot

      Have you looked at bolstering your insulation? We installed insulation on the inside of our garage doors and it helps keep the room above it cooler. If you have attic access, you might be able to add some there as well. Also, if the room gets a lot of sun, installing window film or a glaze to the windows will help keep the heat down.

    • Sarabeth

      We had this exact situation. While a portable unit is probably the short-term fix, in the long term you will want to be increasing the insulation over the garage if you want the room to be comfortable. You might also be able to add another vent to the bedroom.

    • Anon

      Thanks for all the quick replies! Our install company has been great and they’re coming out in a few weeks to service the system anyway, so it is worth a shot.

      I learned a lot by searching for supplementary units and while these things look great, I have concerns about cost. While I’m sure the insulation is an issue, it was comfortable in our room all winter! It’s these few hot days that are destroying me.

      I’m also being extra wimpy this year because I’m pregnant. See also my aversion to professional installations and insulation increases: cost and home projects. We’ve just about maxed out on our home improvement budget as of late and have a to do list on the house before our next little person arrives that does not make me want to explore this, helpful though it may be!

      • Sarabeth

        The thing with insulation is that heat rises, right? So if there is insufficient insulation below the room but sufficient insulation above, it will gain more heat in the summer than it loss in the winter.

        Anyway, again, sympathies, I’ve been there. Last year, before we got central air installed at all, I was super pregnant and had to go to Home Depot over Memorial Day weekend because I couldn’t take it anymore. I searched Consumer Reports; according to a quick search of my email, I bought one described as “GE 8,100 BTU Window Air Conditioner “. For the record, our master bedroom is pretty big, so a smaller capacity one might be better if yours is not.

      • mascot

        Just in the interest of future planning- we got the window film and the garage door insulation kits from Home Depot and installed them ourselves. Cost was under $250. But, I can completely understand not wanting to add to a big DIY list before the baby comes.

      • Eliza

        Late to the thread, but you might want to look into your attic ventilation. If you don’t have an attic fan or other kind of ventilation, an incredible amount of heat can build up and cause rooms on upper floors to be very hot.

  11. traveling to LA

    Am traveling to Los Angeles for about 10 days in the middle of summer to visit friends (most of the group is somewhat near the airport). Too introverted to spend that much time on people’s couches (especially since everyone I know has children and/or pets, which is another layer of home commotion). Other than the usual hotelsdotcom and airbandb, are there any tips/tricks for finding a safe place?

    • Anonymous

      Ask for a recommendation from friends about where other visitors have stayed or what’s close/convenient?

    • Susan

      Yes! Post what area you want to stay in and your budget and I’ll give you some options!

    • OfCounsel

      You do not say where you are coming from, but do not underestimate the horror of LA traffic. Try to find something relatively close to where you are wanting to visit. LA is really, really big. There are plenty of nice, safe places to stay. Let us know your budget and where you want to visit and we can help find you something!

      • OP

        Need to be near Inglewood and/or Culver City as that’s where my events are. Budget is as small as possible as I’m paying for flights, uber, meals, etc. all out of pocket and this month’s work was slow. Thanks!

        • OfCounsel

          Tricky neighborhood. A lot depends on your tolerance for sketchy (mine is very low, but I recognize that is not universal). You can find hotels in that area for under $100 per night, that I personally would not stay at. In that neighborhood, I would probably go with one of the chain hotels near LAX. Their rates are substantially lower than comparable hotels (in terms of quality and safety) in more touristy neighborhoods (not that locals are staying at the airport, but it tends not to be a destination). I have stayed in several when I had very late or very early flights and their soundproofing tends to be excellent so flight noise is not an issue.

          When I go to LA (which is often) I look at ALL the websites (TripAdvisor, Expedia, Kayak, Trivago, etc.) to look for the best deal. I have not found one substantially better than another, although you can often get a much better deal if you are willing to pay in advance.

          Good luck. Traveling on a budget in height of summer is hard!

  12. HSAL

    The poster this morning contemplating a 3K salary decrease where her commute would go from 90 to 10 minutes made me think – what’s your commute worth to you? I think my calculus is whatever I wouldn’t be spending on gas (or public transportation), plus a bonus for the spare time I’d gain. For me that’s about 2K a year if my commute went from 35 minutes to 10. Anyone else considered this?

    • Anonymous

      Ha, yes, I’ve considered this. I posted about my budget a while back and spend $1500/month on commuting expenses. It would only be worth about $6k to me if I stopped my hour-long commute and found something closer to suburban home, but apparently that time is very valuable, because salaries in my suburb are at LEAST $30k less than salaries in the city I commute to.

    • Anonymous

      Commute is huge. A long commute would require more childcare hours and less time at home so more money for someone to help more with household chores. Haven’t worked out the exact math but my life is definitely built around a short commute (5-10 mins)

    • Anonymous

      Maybe the opposite – I currently drive 20 minutes each way. I have considered applying for jobs that might be an hour each way, so how much more would I need to make, gas-wise and time-wise. I might not want to work out in the mornings as I do, would get home later. Quality of life issues. So I would say over $5K. But I’m in a mindless job at the moment so might welcome it.

    • Anonymous

      I have two kids and work FT in BigLaw and my husband works FT.

      I have a 15-minute / 2-mile commute from my house (and my children go the closest possible public school to that, so + 15-20 minutes depending on elementary vs middle; summers are hell with camps throughout our city).

      If I look at even a low billing rate for my personal time, going from 30 minutes/day to 60 minutes/day * 5 days/week * 50 weeks/year = $12,500 (that’s tax-free, if you factor in my tax bracket, it’s (that/(1-.3)) or $17,857, which I’d also pay). And YIKES.

      I think it’s worth more to me than that, but that is probably the amount I’d gladly pay in a higher mortgage payment to live close in vs a bigger house further out. My days are white-knuckle enough as it is that I am OK not having an hour of gridlock b/w me and the school after-school program ending.

    • ccla

      I think this is going to vary drastically based on current hours @ work, and to some extent current salary. I work on average 50 hours a week, which isn’t even the crazy biglaw hours, and I can’t even quantify how large a sum of money I’d need to be open to a materially longer commute (currently 15-20 min each way unless I’m on daycare duty). Like it’s just off the table not up for consideration, because non-work time is at such a premium. But I’m able to say that in part because I make enough money that I don’t need the extra, which I recognize is a fortunate position to be in.

      Pre-kiddo I worked biglaw hours and for one year did a commute that averaged 1 hour each way. Husband was in medical training and we had to be close to the hospital that year, so we knew it was temporary, which made it bearable. So while it was the right choice at the time and allowed us to bank a fair amount of cash, for me it wasn’t sustainable.

    • Negotiating Advice

      That was me. I don’t have kids and live alone so it’s a balance of having enough to afford to continue to live alone vs. having enough time to have a life. Housing near current job is way to expensive for me to afford to live alone but jobs near home pay a lot less. It took a $10k pay raise to get me to take the long commute job so now i’m trying to figure out how much of a cut I can afford to take to get my life back

    • Commute

      I think it depends where you are in your career/family/general finances. I have had a walkable commute and a 30 min commute and a 60 min commute also from a home office. I made $170k/year and was laid off. I was offered a job making $200k with a 45 min commute and turned it down. I am now consulting and make $70k part time. I’ve had offers for new jobs but unless something changed with DH’s job (he has a 45 min commute), I have no interest in anything over 20 minutes (which is feasible) if it pays less than $150k. The 10 hours/day are extremely valuable to me. We have 2 kids and another on the way.

      When I was younger, without family, I took a job that doubled my commute (30 to 60 min) and it was miserable but I went from 55k to 85.

  13. Name Game

    Would it be weird to hang my diploma and law license if they have my maiden name and legal first name on them? I go by a nick name, which everyone knows me as, but the nickname is not a variation of my legal name. Essentially they have a completely different name than what everyone knows me as. As an example, my legal, maiden name was John Smith, and my nick name and married name is Jack Douglass. I checked with the state bar and they will not reissue my license with my married name.

    • Anonymous

      Nah, totally fine. Although it would be funny to hang a random fake diploma and just tell people the names are are your legal first name and your maiden name…

    • Anonymous

      Honestly I don’t think anyone even looks at diplomas closely enough to read the name. If it’s hanging in your office, people will assume it’s yours. I wouldn’t worry about it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m confused by your example – Jack is a nickname for John.

      Maiden name vs. married name issue is pretty common. I wouldn’t give a second thought if a colleague had a diploma with a different last name. Different first name might be noticed more. If you’re nickname is totally different than your legal name then someone might ask but I doubt most people would notice. They will barely notice is your nickname is a common nickname for your legal name (like John- Jack).

    • Anonymous

      I wish Elizabeth Taylor Burton Burton Warner Fortensky had been a lawyer :)

    • hoola hoopa

      The only reason I wouldn’t do it is if you meet with clients in your office and you’ll get annoyed if people to comment on it. I am the person who would notice and comment if the first name is very different (not John/Jack but Natalie/Lauren). Although I agree that most people probably wouldn’t notice.

      Not a lawyer, but I find it interesting you can’t get the license re-issued with your legal name.

  14. Microblading

    Does anyone have an experience with or thoughts about microblading? I just recently learned about it, and as someone with very faint eyebrows and a lack of talent for drawing with any type of pencil, including one to fill in my eyebrows, I’m very intrigued. TIA!

    • Anon

      I read the Lena Dunham article and I so want to do this but I don’t want to look kabuki. following for comments!

      • Katie

        This might not be a great tip if your brows are really sparse, but I tint mine every so often and then there’s less need to fill in. I got a box of (yes, really) Just For Men, as you only need a drop of the color and a drop of the developer, and the tubes the product comes in are resealable, so nothing is wasted. The same box has lasted me for many applications. I use an old makeup brush to apply, wait 5-8 min, wash my face, and I’m good to go. It fades after a few weeks, but perhaps this might be something to try that’s not permanent? Also, if you go for this option, buy one shade lighter than you think you’ll need.

        • Fishie

          Just for Men is my everything. I use it on the randomly distributed gray patches in my hair (I’m graying along my two part lines and right at the top of my head, but nowhere else).

    • anon

      The examples I’ve seen in person have not looked great. (if anyone is reading who has had this done, please don’t take it personally, I’m sure there are good examples out there too, and some of it is personal preference)

      • Anon

        Not the OP but that’s my worry. I’m sure Lena Dunham had the #1 best, most expensive and sought-after microblader in the world. I don’t want to end up with unintentional Joan crawfords because I’m not Lena Dunham.

    • Baconpancakes

      Depends on your eyebrows’ natural color. I think I asked about this a couple of months ago here, but couldn’t find the post – if you have pale eyebrows, it will not look good. If you have sparse eyebrows but naturally dark hair, it will look fine.

      Re anon at 3:58, it’s definitely a matter of how skilled your aesthetician is. I’ve seen a couple that look truly natural.

    • Anonymous

      I am against permanent eye brow solutions. Trends in eyebrows change over time and I think micro blading, tattooing, etc. box you into a look that may seem “natural now” and be out of date a few years ago. I have a number of friends who got “natural” eyebrow tattoos around 5-10 years ago and spend the same amount of time doing their brows today as they did pre-tattoos to keep up with the trends. I think micro blading will end up being similar.

  15. Anon

    Hey this morning’s thread from the poster who moved away from a city and was sad that her friends weren’t visiting her…

    I don’t know, man. You move away because you want the big house and cheaper lifestyle. Your friends in the city are still chugging away using much more of their income on housing, I think it’s unrealistic and honestly kind of cheap of you to expect them to fork out for travel, vacation days, etc to come visit you equally to your visits to them. Maybe they visit once to see your new digs. But not all the time. This is not going to be 50/50.

    If you’re the one who left, I think it’s on you to make the effort, especially since you have more disposable income now, precisely why you decided to leave.

    Even if you disagree with my concept of fairness, the realistic thing is that you’re just going to have to be the one to visit. And realistically, your less strong friendships will gradually fade away. I’m 50 now and I’ve seen it happen a bunch of times, even with the best of intentions about visiting.

    • Vent

      You’re making a LOT of assumptions, many of which are incorrect, although I see your broader point that the one who left should visit more. Fwiw, I moved because a family member needed us to be near them, it wasn’t a choice because we wanted a bigger house or a better lifestyle. Houses are somewhat cheaper here, that’s true, but the city I moved away from wasn’t SF or NY or another crazy expensive city. It’s actually a fairly affordable mid-size city that just happens to be a trendy tourist destination right now (like Austin or Nashville), and both my husband and I took big pay cuts when we left so our finances have actually taken a pretty big hit. I think my friends who remained in the city, and certainly the BFF who was the subject of my previous post, have more disposable income than us. But I don’t really think money is the issue here. We’re all well enough off to use $300 or $400 on a plane ticket and we all have room to host so the visiting person doesn’t have to shell out for rental cars and hotel rooms.

      • Triangle Pose

        It really doesn’t take away from the point. It sucks you’re feeling blue about it and I think you should bring it up with them but you should have realistic expectations. I think the issue is that you moved away from your friend group and it’s a lot to expect for them to individually go out of them way to visit you when you yourself said it’s rural region that no one would ever go to unless they had a specific reason to visit. They all still live in a place that people want to go to generally that isn’t in so far away. I think you should defitely explain that you want to share your new place with them and plan a visit, but I would be prepared for this to be nowhere close to 50/50 and more like 20/80.

        • Vent

          Yeah, I definitely wouldn’t expect most friends to visit because it’s not a vacation destination. It just stings a little bit because I feel like, sure I might only visit an old high school pal or a former co-worker if she lived in a fun place, but I’d visit my BFF even if she lived in Timbuktu.
          And it’s not about 80/20 vs 50/50. I’d honestly be thrilled if she visited even ONCE, but she didn’t make it in the three years I lived here before she had kids and now that she’s heavily pregnant, I know it will be at least a decade before she can visit (she wants four kids so the baby years will be long!). I fully expect and am happy to do the majority of the visiting, but I’m just bummed that she hasn’t even visited once, seen my house, met my friends here, etc.
          I don’t plan to have kids, but I honestly don’t know if she’d visit even if I had a baby (assuming it was after her own baby is born).

          • Triangle Pose

            I get the sting. I would be direct with your BFF. I read your initial post thinking you meant a group of more diluted friends, like your regular hangs from before you moved. If it’s your true BFF, you can be upfront with her – Hey, you’re my BFF, it’s really great we’ve kept our friendship these last 3 years after I’ve moved, I value our friendship so much. It’s really important for me to share this place with you, my new home and I know you’ve got a lot going on (kids etc.) but I would love it if we could plan a visit – bring the fam, don’t bring them and make it a getaway, even a really short visit, even if it’s months from now, whatever we can do to make it work, let’s just plan it! If she’s your BFF she’ll understand and make plans with you.

      • Another Anon

        That’s the point though. It’s not $300. You mentioned that your BFF has a small child and a baby on the way. So it’s actually $1200 plus a mid sized rental car because it’s not likely that you have room for two car seats plus four adults (you, your DH, BFF and her DH) in your vehicle. And if your invite is just for her, then you’re asking her to spend time away from her child and baby. That’s a big ask. And, having small children, I can’t imagine using up scarce vacation time wanting to do that for anything except a spa weekend with girlfriends in my city or very close by so I don’t waste time traveling, or couples weekend with DH. Kids often have a cold each month in the first year or two of life. That uses a lot of vacation time. She may not even have enough vacation time to come see you.

        Regardless of whether you moved for career or family, you left the location. It’s not like you all went to college together and all moved to different locations. and have been trading off visits. If you leave a city, you should expect to see people almost exclusively when you return to visit that city. Maybe she’ll come visit you once every few years but I wouldn’t expect more than that.

        • Anonymous

          Babies do get sick a lot, and they pass the germs on to their parents, so your friend is likely sick between 25 and 50 percent of the time herself. Once you’ve lived in that state for a few months, you can’t even contemplate travel.

        • Vent

          Oh no, maybe I wasn’t clear in my previous post. She has no kids now. She does have a baby on the way, but I’ve lived here for three years. I get that parents with small kids don’t travel, so I’m mostly feeling blue because I know the impending baby means no visit for at least a decade.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t think it means no visit for a decade. If she’s BFing, when she’s done, that’s prime time for a girls weekend visit. But it sounds like she’s had a busy expensive three years – new house, wedding plus saving for mat leave. Also things that use up a lot of vacation leave that she’s probably trying to save for when baby comes (honeymoon, wedding planning, house closing).

            I get you’re bummed but offer to send pictures and videos. Just because she isn’t visiting doesn’t mean she isn’t interested in your life or that your friendship isn’t a priority.

          • Anonymous

            I wonder if you’re feeling sad that your friendship is shifting — and the who-has-visited-whom issue is just the surface symptom that the “sad” has latched onto right now? You’re building a new life she knows nothing about, and she’s about to become a mom and her life will change. For what it’s worth, these thing happen in friendships. People move, they change. Sometimes they drift apart, sometimes the connection can stay.

            Sad is fine. Even some grief, if there’s a big loss. But try to stick with sad and not move into blame or self-pity. There are ways to flex with a new kind of friendship, and you don’t have to wait 10 years for it.

      • Anonymous

        I moved from NYC to Charlotte. CLT is a great city to live in but NYC is a great city to vist (so is CLT, but it’s hard to persuade the skeptics). So it’s not a surprise that maybe a friend visits every few years (often to scope out a similar move or en route to Asheville) but mostly I go there (which I love to do and can often tie in with work trips).

        • Anon

          I’m the OP here (I’m not Vent, just the OP for this thread). My one friend who never gets visited is in CLT. seriously, what is there to do there? The one time I visited we sat in her air conditioned McMansion all day and then went to Chili’s.

          • Another Anon

            Really? I’m from Canada and even I know Charlotte has a football team, a basketball team and museums/art galleries/ballet. I can’t imagine visiting a place at not at least googling a few activities I might be interested in. Going to Chili’s instead of a cool local place sounds miserable but if you’re bored in Charlotte, that’s on your friend not Charlotte.

          • Anon

            Yeah, for sure there are “other issues” in my friendship. But it doesn’t make me want to go back!!

            When she comes home to SF she has at least 3 other close friends to visit and we all go out in a group and have a raucous good time. Another reason it’s better when she visits.

          • Anonymous

            OMG — so much to do here! There is the whitewater center, which I could easily spend all of my time there b/c it is so pretty and relaxing. Botanical gardens at UNCC and Daniel Stowe. Tons of tail walking and light hiking. Kayaking on the Catawba. Tennis everywhere. I might like golf but I am too busy. So much theatre (including Actors Theater and Theatre Charlotte and the programs at Central Piedmont and UNCC). And concerts. And restaurants, restaurants, restaurants. And restaurant patios. And daytrips to Asheville (do not do enough). And so many breweries. And daytrips to Lake Lure. And college football being played at Panthers Stadium. And baseball uptown. And major league lacrosse. And the Aviation Museum has the Miracle on the Hudson plane and since many passengers are from here, they are often speaking when you visit. [I’m not a Nascar person, but NASCAR if you’re into that.] And gallery crawl and it’s MCOL generally so there are artists galore in our LCOL areas.

            I’m sorry you went to a Chili’s. I’d have taken you to somewhere with a local flavor.

          • Scotus

            They make racially drawn voting districts, of course! And they harass at-risk people about where they want to evacuate their bowels.

      • I also love big hair

        FWIW, I sympathize with Vent here. This is not just a friend — this is her BFF. I do think she should ask for the visit, or ask her friend about planning a weekend trip for the two of them. I’ve done that a couple times with a BFF who has a toddler, and it’s worked out great. If her BFF has a husband who can handle child duty for the weekend, she would probably even relish the weekend away. Someone has to take the initiative to plan it though, and it’s more likely to be the friend without kids.

        Anyways, the differing points of view here are also indicative of differing points of view on the value of friendship and the lengths that one is willing to go to maintain a close friendship. I do find that often people don’t realize how they differ on this until one of them moves and the friendship turns long distance.

        • SC

          I also sympathize with the OP’s vent.

          And it’s not impossible to travel once you have kids. My son was born 2 years ago, and I have taken him to visit close friends twice. Both were long weekends, and we used airline miles for both trips. Sure, there are additional friends in other cities whom I’d like to visit but haven’t had the time or money to do so yet–but I don’t think OP’s BFF necessarily HAS to have a 10-year hiatus on visiting her.

        • Anonymous

          +1

          and also I think it is varying degrees of what motherhood/impending motherhood does to women.
          It may just be that because your BFF is pregnant, she’s now a sucky friend. Which happens. And unfortunately you get the short end of the stick if she’s not the kind of friend who makes an effort.

          She doesn’t ever put effort into seeing you? Okay cool. See ya never… hope you enjoy your kid.

  16. Kk

    I dont usually wear peep toes so I dont know if this is common, but after about an hour, i’m finding that my feet and toes are sliding through the front, so that my toes are snaggling over the front edge and there’s a gap in the back by my heel. Has anyone experienced this? How do you fix it?

  17. Anon

    What are your favorite high-calorie snacks? For health reasons I need to consume more calories/gain some weight.

    • Kk

      Trader joes is a great place for this: dark chocolate peanut butter cups, the salted rosemary marcona almonds, full fat yogurts, buttery crackers with cheese and salami or proscuitto

      • Anonymous

        Ohhhh yeah. Macadamia nuts FTW. Also hazelnuts, also pistachios. Also chunky peanut butter. I would live on chunky peanut butter if I could.

    • Anonymous

      Toast with butter plus peanut butter on top
      Plate of olive oil and salt – tear baguette into small pieces and dip
      cheese
      Liberte Mediatarnee (sp?) yoghurt – it’s like 10% fat
      sandwich with hummus as spread, roast chicken (skin on), avocado slices, bacon

      All time fav is a handful of nuts in oatmeal every morning and using whole milk instead of water to make oatmeal

    • Anon

      Mmmm sliced avocadoes on everything, avocado toast and guacamole. I could live on guacamole but have the opposite problem from you. :)

      Roasted, salted almonds, cashews and macadamia nuts are also great.

    • Anonymous

      candy, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, macaroni and cheese, popcorn with lots of butter

    • Anonymous

      Well, ice cream, if you don’t need to worry about the sugar.

      Otherwise, peanut butter on everything, and avocados on everything else. And cheese. (I am pregnant and can’t have too much sugar, so this is my life. It could be worse.)

    • pugsnbourbon

      Almond butter out of the jar. Full-fat dairy. Wendy’s frostys.

      Ensure or Boost Plus – the kind with extra calories. They actually don’t have a ton of sugar that I remember and you can blend them with frozen fruit to make them more palatable.

    • SC

      Cheese. Specifically, triple creme brie and Gruyere. With bread. And sometimes with charcuterie.

    • hoola hoopa

      I used to work in a medical office where many of the patients needed to be on a high calorie diet. Top recommendations were cheese, whole fat milk, nut butters, and milkshakes.

      I’d look up vanishing caloric density’ and eat them all. Things like pirate booty cheese puffs, which carry calories without making you feel full.

      • Anonymous

        Intersting–I have been refusing to let my kid have pirates’ booty because I thought it would do the opposite–fill her up without containing enough calories.

    • Anon

      Dark chocolate covered almonds, peanut butter by the spoonful, deviled eggs, toast with olive oil and manchego, granola with whole milk, smoothies with coconut oil added, oatmeal with nut butters stirred in, full fat Greek yogurt.

  18. Anonymous

    My husband is planning a weekend trip with some old friends. Some of these friends have poor judgment and values that don’t line up with ours, and he is enormously susceptible to peer pressure and always ends up getting talked into doing things he wouldn’t otherwise do (and objectively shouldn’t do) when he’s with them. All of these guys are also much wealthier than we are, and whenever he hangs out with them he comes back resentful of me, dissatisfied with our lifestyle, and bitter because he has to mow his own lawn and doesn’t own a luxury car and a vacation home. On top of all of this, one of the events they are planning is something I’d really love to do, but he won’t do with our family because it costs too much and is too much of a hassle. I also doubt that he’d be supportive if I ever tried to go away for a girls’ weekend. His position is that he is put-upon because he has to contribute around the house and never gets anything he wants, so he deserves a weekend away, but I don’t deserve the same because I travel for work. He can tell I am faking enthusiasm every time he talks about the trip and makes snide little comments about how I don’t want him to go. I actually do want him to go and have a good time, I just don’t want him to do stupid things and then act like a jerk when he comes home. Ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Counselling. This sounds enormously unfair to you on a lot of levels and it’s clearly not just about this trip if he’s resentful of doing his share at home. Snide comments are a problem. John Gottman says research shows that contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. “When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean – treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling.” from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

      • Anonymous

        To pick up on anon below’s point – I’m suggesting counseling the the basis that he has other redeeming qualities have you haven’t listed here. If not, I have no idea why you’re staying.

        • OP

          He has some … issues that explain, but do not excuse, the complaining and resentfulness. These issues have also hidden the many redeeming facets of his original personality. Couples counseling would not be fruitful until those individual issues are resolved. In the meantime, I would like to set some boundaries so he knows it is not okay to insult me and the life we chose to build together. I just have not been successful in doing that.

          • Triangle Pose

            Be more direct. “Husband, you are in this with me – you are also responsible for our chosen lifestyle. I’m excited for you to go on a fun trip, I hope you enjoy it. But it’s a fact that these friends are wealthier than we are, and when you hang out with them you come back resentful of me, dissatisfied with our lifestyle, and bitter because you have to mow the own lawn and we a luxury car and a vacation home. You don’t get to take that out on me. I’m sorry I’m making snide comments about the trip and I’ll try to stop. But recognize that when you come back you make gripes and snipes about a life we built together, which is insulting to me.”

          • Anonymous

            But setting boundaries around respectful behavior would be like a super common thing for couples counselling to focus on? Sorry, I’m just confused by the whole scenario. Boundaries = telling him you must deal with your individual issues + attend couples counselling to learn how to be respectful way and be a full partner in the relationship and home.

    • anon

      So, to briefly summarize… your husband has (1) poor judgement, as evidenced by his taste in friends; (2) no spine, as evidenced by his inability to stand up to peer pressure; (3) a bitter, complaining personality coupled with an refusal to take productive steps to cure his complaints, as evidenced by the gripes about the house/car/chores; (4) places no value on your happiness, since he doesn’t want you to experience the same pleasures he takes for himself. Man, I hope for his sake that he has some redeeming value, because from your description above, it’s hard to fathom why you’d stick around for more of that treatment. I’m pretty sure that whatever the solution is, it has nothing to do with faking enthusiasm about the trip.

      • Triangle Pose

        Also, yes. “How do I fake enthusiasm for this trp?” is so the wrong question here.

      • OP

        He thinks that if he stands up to peer pressure then I would be controlling him, which would mean he has no spine. Which makes little sense because I am not even there.

      • OP

        He thinks that when he gives in to what his friends want he is asserting his independence from me.

        • Triangle Pose

          That is also a problem. Does he acknowledge this? You are a team. If he is seeing escaping with his buds on a high cost trip as “asserting independence from you” I think you should really address it with him. I have a comment to you about being more direct with suggested script up top but I think it’s in moderation.

          • OP

            I don’t think he’s that bad. I think he was raised and educated to be Don Draper, made a conscious decision to try to be a good guy, and unfortunately tends to let Don Draper out when under stress.

          • Anon in NH

            Random aside: I don’t know if it made national news but the R e d d i t , red pi!! guy – the guy that started it all, was a NH state senator. He has finally resigned. He initially refused to and then only resigned when he claimed he felt threatened.

          • Anon

            Yeah this whole “asserting his independence”/ punishing thing reeks of t r p manipulative BS.

        • pugsnbourbon

          I had a “yikes” reaction to that. It sounds like a really hurtful dynamic, OP, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

          • OP

            I really appreciate all the perspective here. Because of all his complaints, I have been worrying that maybe I am somehow too controlling or limiting to him, even though I am trying not to be. Maybe I really am not.

          • Guess so

            Your feeling that you’re too controlling is the gaslighting kicking in. You deserve better.

          • OP

            I really appreciate all the perspective. I have been worried that I am somehow too c o n t r o l l i n g (trying to avoid moderation) or limiting to him, even though I try very hard not to be. Maybe I really am not.

          • Senior Attorney

            Argh. “You are too controlling” is jerk code for “I feel bad about myself and I like to behave badly and I want to make both of those things your fault.”

            People are not improvement projects. You don’t build sweat equity by staying in a horrible relationship with a horrible person and working your fingers to the bone trying to make it better.

            I was married to someone like this. I thought it was normal. It’s not. I’m now married to someone who is kind and lovely and I’m just sorry I stayed with Mr. You’re Too Controlling for as long as I did.

    • Anonymous

      This philosopher in me wants to give him the big ol’ eye roll:

      “All of these guys are also much wealthier than we are, and whenever he hangs out with them he comes back resentful of me, dissatisfied with our lifestyle, and bitter because he has to mow his own lawn and doesn’t own a luxury car and a vacation home.”

      He curses the darkness and doesn’t light a candle. Can he grow up? [Do marriage counselors ever come out and say this? B/C I think he needs to hear it. It sounds like he is grateful for none of the things he has and sees only what he doesn’t have.]

      • OP

        “he is grateful for none of the things he has and sees only what he doesn’t have”–OMG yes. We are not poor, we have a wonderful life, we are positioning ourselves well for the future, and he consciously chose to leave his friends’ world behind before he even met me because he didn’t want to pursue that kind of life any longer.

        • ELS

          OP — this isn’t what makes me worried. What makes me worried is that he thinks you are controlling, when HE is being controlling, disrespectful, and trying to “assert his independence” from you.

          You guys are a team. If he’s attempting to assert his independence, and believes himself to be put upon because he has to help around the house — he frankly sounds like a jerk. Stop letting him be Don Draper. If he wants that, he needs to go elsewhere. You deserve better.

          And take the girls’ weekend, regardless of what he thinks.

    • Triangle Pose

      This isn’t about his friends, their trip, their poor judgement, their poor values or the highlighted event. Your husband doesn’t get “talked into doing thing” that doesn’t align with his values. He’s an adult and has agency in all of this. He’s acting like a child and your problem is your husband, not the friends or the trip. Focus on examining that. And tell him that it’s harmful for him to act resentful of your lifestyle when he also contributing to your chosen lifestyle. If he’s unwilling to make changes to address his dissatisfaction, if he’s unsupportive of you taking girls trips, that’s all problems that you need to address with him – it’s not the friends or the trip.

    • Anon

      Do you have children? If not, get out immediately. If you do, recognize that the older they get the more this behavior will affect them. You deserve more than the way he is treating you. I grew up with a parent who is like this (a result of depression and a brain injury) and we always made excuses for why it was ok to live this way. I now realize that someone who is determined to be ungrateful and unhappy is also determined for everyone around them to feel the same way. My parent also has very little impulse control, and ultimately squandered money, putting our family in a very poor position. Your husband sounds selfish and please consider if it is worth sacrificing your life for this.

      • Anonymous

        +1,000,000. This is no way to live. This is no way to be loved by someone. I once heard that a relationship that is objectively wrong can feel right when, “it is the same kind of abuse you are accustomed to.”Consider whether you would support ANY friend who lived this reality (think about your husband’s actions, not his words), and consider why you feel loved in this relationship (when he clearly does not respect you).

      • Anon

        I hate to pile on, but please seriously consider couples counseling and, if things don’t get better relatively quickly, leave – especially if kids are not in the picture yet. I was you, years ago. I demanded things change. They appeared to get much, much better. And then we had a child. And it went right back to square one. This gets much, much more complicated with kids in the picture.

        • Senior Attorney

          I am not a fan of couples counseling when one spouse is behaving so badly. But I urge you to get some counseling for yourself to see why you are willing to put up with this, and to avoid finding yourself in a similar situation in the future.

    • d

      he seems like a mega doosh.

      i’d pack my sh ! t and leave when he was on the trip.

      I don’t really place a huge value on staying married because you made a promise in your 20’s….

      My dad was the same way. I used to lay in bed and pray that my parents would get divorced and couldn’t understand why my friends would cry about their parents splitting. It sounded like heaven. (I also thought–until MIDDLE SCHOOL) that you bought presents for a bridal shower because the bride was SAD she had to get married…bc I thought all men acted like mega dooshes and she’d probably never get to do anything fun again…..).

      Idk, walk away.

  19. Hooded Hair Dryers

    Using hooded hair dryers for curly hair was suggested in the earlier post. Can’t believe I never thought of gettingo one before! Any recommendations? The standing ones seem kind of huge but not sure where I would put the ones without a stand. On a dresser maybe?

  20. Friday

    Burned my arm with the straightener this morning, got my shoulders sunburned while sitting outside at lunch. TGIF.
    On a different note, is anyone else’s IT department flipping out about the recent hacking stuff happening?

    • Anonymous

      No, they flip out regularly about updates and scans, so they didn’t seem to feel threatened by this one since we are all up to date.

    • anon

      Somewhat. There was a big, “actually install updates on all the old computers with hanged installs” day.

  21. Baconpancakes

    Clothes report: purchased a ton from J.Crew Factory for my new gig since my old clothes are a bit too tight. Cotton Dobby dress looks fantastic on. A little tight on the arms, not something I can do yoga in, but for sitting at a desk and going to meetings it looks great on my size 16 hourglass. Two-button white linen blazer also looks great and slimming. Neither of the white skirts are acceptable – wayyyy too see-through, too wrinkly. One-button cotton white blazer looks like doodoo on me. Gingham popover doesn’t gape on my chest, looks polished enough for a business casual workplace.

    Which leads me to: any outfit suggestions for a white blazer?

    • Anon

      I’d do a column of color under a white blazer. All navy or all medium blue (top and skirt or top and pants) under a white blazer is a summery but still sophisticated look. I’d steer clear of wearing it with two colors – like a white blazer with a purple top and blue pants because it can look very Barbie the Realtor.

  22. Bonnie

    Recommendations for Instagram accounts to follow about food, fashion, or anything fun?

    • Anon

      Food52, smitten kitchen, nigella Lawson, nyt recipes.

      Meme accounts like lad bible, the fat j ewish, moist Buddha, thefunnyintrovert

      For fashion, bloggers you like, brands you like, stores you like (inspiration and sometimes discounts)

    • d

      Attorneys on fleek, that effbeingfat girl that stirred everyone up here a few posts back, Mel Robbins, martinisandmayham, sodressedup, moistbuddha, annieseats, clarascleaneats, passionplanner, hermagazine, darling,

    • lorraine

      a bit random, but here are some of my faves: tastemakers africa, drake on cake, bodega cats, food 52, king arthur flour, low cheekbones (hilarious fashion spoof), 12ish style, kaya kilims, the jungalow, otherwild…

      • Amish Berkeleyite

        Midlifeinparis – great Parisian street photography and amazing captions

  23. Anonymous

    SO and I just went to sign all the mortgage documents for our first mortgage. The loan is less than our combined law school loans. Can I just say the amount of information required and disclosures you get as to amortization, total amount of loan, % going to interest, etc. for a loan with good collateral compared to the complete lack of disclosures/investigation for the completely unsecured debt of student loans is amazing? Like I wish someone had given me an amortization schedule for my student loans. It may have made 22-year-old me think twice. I have no question here, just thought it was interesting from a public policy perspective.

    • Anonymous

      Ha, that is such a good point. Does TILA even apply to student loans?

      Incidentally, one of my lawyer coworkers is about to buy a house and she has no idea what an amoritzation schedule is — she apparently thought that her entire monthly payment is paying down her mortgage. Which explains why she keeps insisting her purchase is a good idea even though she is only here for a year. Sigh. In another life, I want to teach personal finance to high school students.

      • Anon

        I don’t think it does! I regret these damn student loans every day. I’m trying to pay them down as fast as possible, but I wish I had explored something other than loans. Not sure what but…something.

  24. Anonymous

    I am trying to upgrade my after work loungewear (which for me, includes both athleisure wear and sleepwear, although I don’t sleep in anything). Looking for things that are simple, sexy (just me and SO), but will hold up to washing. I like Eberjay, any other recommendations?

    • Anon

      Soma intimates. They make some loungewear and some of their cool nights pjs are loungewear adjacent.

    • Eliza

      Alterna’s Caviar Cream is seriously good stuff. I use it when I’m straightening my hair, and it leaves it soft and shiny. A little goes a long way; the 1oz. size would last me months.

  25. Anonymous

    I’ve been a reader for a while and my impression is that this blog skews heteronormative, but that’s partly why I’m asking this question here– I am late 30s and starting to wonder if I am into women. Any guidance where to go from here? Therapy? Google? To a lesbian bar? Or is this just dating fatigue after 20 years of men and their BS (my last two relationships have been especially damaging – both cheaters). I skew liberal as a voter, but I have always been fairly conservative personally, so I am finding this difficult to accept/investigate. Any advice appreciated.

    • ...

      First, consider where the thoughts are coming from… are they about a number of women, the idea of women, is it a s3xual fantasy or can you imagine yourself in a relationship with a woman? Would these feelings change if you met a great guy? Is this a potential reaction from a male ex or dating frustrations? Also, examine your feelings about lesbians and bisexuals in general so you can consider whether these are feelings that might have been there for a while that you’ve been suppressing or if your feelings about the concept is causing you to struggle more than your personal feelings. If you want to talk one-on-one, please post a contact and I’ll reach out!

      • Anonymous

        It’s mostly all fantasy. I want to cuddle on the couch with a guy, and come home to a guy, but then I have moments when I think about women. And there have been a couple of women IRL that I’ve found attractive. I worry that I’m suppressing that attraction because I’m scared or so brainwashed into thinking one way I can’t really consider an alternative. (Unlike some younger readers in their 20s/younger, I didn’t grow up with the idea that this was completely acceptable.)

        • ...

          So this doesn’t sound romantic or life-building as much as it does either s3xually focused or that you want a maternal or other comforting experience that is more stereotypical of women.

          Rather than worrying about acceptable right now, let’s try to figure out what it is that is sparking you. For example, would you be happy in a male relationship but watching l3sbian p0rn? Would you want to bring another female bodied person into the bedroom with you and a male partner? Would you want to have a fling or a romantic relationship with a female bodied person?

          Is it the person’s body that is sparking you, the taboo (in your internal mind), or is it something specific about thinking of these women you’ve thought about? For example, are you imagining them performing acts on you? Are you imagining performing on or with them? Or is it that they have confidence, style, etc. that you wish you had and your brain is translating the wish into foggy thoughts or fixation?

          Worrying about suppression and the outside world only makes sense once you’ve sorted through the cause, after you’ve sorted through your internal feelings about the cause, and after you’ve decided how you want to pursue this new information… so don’t get ahead of yourself worrying there! <3

    • anony

      I don’t feel qualified to give advice on this, I’m just responding as a voice of support. This is a totally valid thing to think about/ investigate. If it were me, I might try talking to a friend about it as a first step. I think therapy (to have a person to open up to about this with confidentially if you aren’t comfortable sharing with a friend), google, and/or going to a lesbian bar are all also valid steps to take.

      • emeralds

        Agreed, just wanted to let you know that I’m 100% in support of you and wherever you end up on the spectrum of human attraction. You are so brave to be working through these feelings! It also doesn’t have to be a binary–you can want to come home to cuddle a man on the couch and also be attracted to women. I’m not sure this s i t e will give you too much to work with on this particular topic, but there are many other places around the internet that have more voices on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum–Captain Awkward is great and you could post this on their forums and I’m sure you’d get a lot of responses.

      • Wildkitten

        I’d get tipsy as a lesbian bar. That’s what I do at straight bars to explore my heterosexuality!

  26. Anon

    My everyday scent (sorry, Godzilla) has been discontinued – Jo Malone Blue Agava and Cacao. I loved it because it smelled sort of like root beer. Any suggestions for a new scent, similar notes?

    • chicagoanon

      Weighing in to say that I didn’t know it was discontinued. It’s my distinctive scent too. What a bummer!

      • Anon

        Right? I went on their website to buy it and couldn’t find it so checked with customer service. They directed me to some Estee Lauder “discontinued product” search, but I’d rather find a new scent than delay the inevitable. Some other websites suggested that there is an Aqua Di Parma scent (I think it was Mandorlo Di Sicila) that has root beer notes as well as an Annick Goutal (Myrrhe Ardente). Now I get to have the fun of chasing down samples…Will report back!

  27. Hollis

    I’m terrible at cleaning and am embarrassed to say I haven’t cleaned my shower or bathroom floor in several months, maybe a year even. For my shower, which is tile all over including the floor and with glass doors, should I use Comet or Scrubbing Bubbles for the floors and sides? I have both at home (I’m great at shopping). For the bathroom counters and floor, what product would work best? It’s also made of tile, but the tile is shinier. No snarking please – I grew up with a live in housekeeper so I never had to do any real cleaning.

    • Anonymous

      Is your shower moldy? If so, this may be a job for Tilex which is one step beyond Scrubbing Bubbles. If you are not comfortable with cleaning, I would also consider hiring Handy for a “deep clean” and staying home while they clean and asking for tips. I had a house keeper through Handy temporarily while I was traveling a lot and I asked her for suggestions which she happily gave because I clearly sucked at cleaning (and were mostly “use vinegar”). Good luck!

    • NOLA

      Kaboom No-drip with bleach is life-changing. No sh!t. Seriously. I use it for the moldy tle grout. For basic tub cleaning, I use Kaboom Oxy. For my bathroom floor, I mop weekly with a Swiffer wetjet.

    • Cleaning

      Recommend against comet. It is really abrasive and can easily destroy surfaces. Definitely get professional help if you haven’t cleaned the shower in a year, otherwise you’ll spend hours on it and may not even see a big difference. If you stay on top of cleaning (every week or two weeks at most) you can use almost any spray type cleaner on bath tub and tiles (not wine but like simple green or a product for kitchen and tile surfaces). Just spray, a rub with an old wash cloth, then rinse with water (depending on your shower head you can just use that to spray down whole thing, or rinse out cloth and use that to wipe). There’s also a blog or a series of posts by Jolie Kerr called ‘ask a clean person’ which might be useful to you.

  28. job offer negotiations

    What would you do about these negotiations? TL:DR – I’m holding a great offer but have interviews at various stages early next week. Do I a) mention only that I have a strong offer or b) tell them the terms of the offer, since it’s actually higher than the top end of the range I initially gave to their recruiters?

    Background: I just received a wonderful job offer (salary is above the top end of the range I named, great boss / team, strong company / CEO, good product, skills-builder / title for my resume, short commute, etc.). However, I have a final round of interviews with another company, and two earlier-stage interviews with two different companies. All additional interviews are literally happening on the same day, early next week (ie: in ~3 days). Offering company knows about all additional interviews, and intentionally sped up their process / made a great offer to try to secure me. It’s very likely that I’ll get an offer from the late-stage company, but I doubt they can match the offer I’m holding right now. I highly doubt the other two companies could move fast enough to make offers that would entice me to turn down the one I’ve got. Of the earlier-stage companies, I think that only one might be able to compete with the offer I’m currently considering. I’m also debating when to pull out of the interview process altogether at the two earlier-stage companies. I’ve been searching for a while now, backed out of a couple of bad fits, and turned down a reasonable offer about a month ago. I feel like it’s kind of disingenuous to keep going with these other companies when I’ve already got a really great opportunity. I also feel like it’s rude to the person who might be my future boss to insist that I need to keep “vetting” other opportunities when I’m really thrilled with their offer.

  29. Kale

    I loved seeing photos from Pippa Middleton’s wedding. But the usually chic and fashionable Kate wore a dress that made her look way older. The color is kind of frumpy and the shape (shoulder poofs) did not flatter her awesome figure. What gives? Do you think she did that on purpose to let her younger sister shine on her day? Such a contrast from the form-fitting and cleavage-bearing dress Pippa wore as a bridesmaid at Kate’s wedding.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah Kate’s dress was frump city. I also wasn’t a big fan of Pippas wedding gown. It liked like Kate’s wedding dress with the sleeves removed. I was hoping for something more original, although maybe there’s some kind of rule they have to wear lace. And I didn’t think the high neckline was very flattering. George and Charlotte were adorable though.

      • Noner

        Eyeroll – because no other wedding dress has ever had lace? Nevermind this lace had a completely different quality to the KM dress. The sisters have similar physiques, so is it really that surprising they picked similar style lines?

        I actually liked KM’s dress – it was simple, elegant and understated. And perfectly suitable for a morning ceremony.

    • Pesh

      I think British wedding ceremonies are generally less “flashy”, no? Suits/Sunday Church clothes not cocktail dresses? Maybe that’s why Kate looked less glamorous.

    • Wildkitten

      I think she did it on purpose to not distract from Pippa. That’s also why she didn’t participate in the ceremony.

    • Fishie

      I figured that Kate’s dresser chose the outfit, not Kate or Pippa. I don’t think Kate gets much say over what she wears and the dress, albeit frumpy, was undeniably royal.

      • ITDS

        I think she gets to choose, but has a dresser so she doesn’t have to come here and ask what to wear to specific types of situations. I thought her dress for Pippas wedding was understated and classy, but if only the designerhad left off those little pocket flaps at the waistline. Otherwise it was lovely and did look like she was deliberately subdued to keep the spotlight on her sister.

      • Anonymous

        That dress, for those who are too young to remember, looked 100% like something Joan Collins or Linda Evans would have worn on the show Dynasty, circa 1983. The cut, the fabric, the color, the sleeves, everything. Google pictures from the show if you don’t believe me. I know everything old is new again, and younger people will always have an affinity for a decade they can’t remember, but I was really hoping the very worst of 80s fashion – which Kate’s dress represents – would not come back. I imagine what we have to look forward to now are the football-player shoulder pads paired with accordion-pleated skirts on dresses.

        • Anonymous

          Oh, please. If it’s any decade, its the 1940s, not the 1980s. It doesn’t look anything like Dynasty-wear.

          And for God’s sake, KM is the same age as I am – and I remember the 80s just fine (with no nostalgia). And in case you missed it – accordion pleated skirts/dresses HAVE been everywhere for the past 2 years.

          • Anonymous

            Way to be a b *tch over a pretty meaningless comment. I feel sorry for you. Your life must be very sad and empty. Feel better.

  30. Manage up?

    Any resources that you would recommend relating to the concept if “managing up”? Also, resources relating to building and training small, high-performance teams. I’m a program director at a small nonprofit org. we are going through a big transition with our staff. Thank you!

    • S in Chicago

      “Coaching for Performance” is good for learning ways to get your staff to excel and lead with questioning so they learn how to think through performance with a sense of ownership. Leadership That Matters has good fundamentals for teams, too. No suggestions on “managing up,” but a warning for the execution. I’ve seen this go poorly a few times–at best you get confused priorities (hurting the team) at worst you get an employee thinking they are deftly steering their boss when they are not and they eventually get frustrated (as does the boss) until they leave– willingly or not.

      • Manage up?

        Great point about potential pitfalls – I will definitely give that some thought. Thank you for the recommendations.

  31. GMTB

    This week I am planning on three nights at the Chicago Public Library to sit and earnestly study for my Project Management Professional exam. I hate this test, I’ve taken it before, and I hope that if I’m angry enough about it I’ll attack it like I do things in Mass Effect and vanquish this bloody thing already.

  32. Annie Q

    Referring back to the thread about Theory and their unlined wool pants: The really high end designers never line their pants. I buy one or two Armani Collezioni suits every year when they’re on sale and the pants are never lined. I’ve noticed that about Akris Punto, Max Mara, and others. Now when I wear lined pants, they feel bulky and I feel like they make me look fat.

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