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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This is one of the more interesting jardigan/sweater blazer/knit jacket pieces I’ve seen recently. It’s a fresh take that provides the gravitas of a blazer, but in a more fun way.
I would style this with some basic dark trousers, but if you’re feeling bolder, you could also look for a bottom that coordinates with that orangey-camel color.
The jacket is $498 at Neiman Marcus, where it's a bestseller, and available in XS–XL.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
GiftAnon
Grateful for views on whether I’m being unreasonable here.
A few days before my birthday my partner, unprompted started a conversation about how much money he’d spent on my gift, how extravagant it is, he’s not sure what came over him etc. but that it could still be returned.
On my birthday, he gave me a lovely handbag that is indeed significantly more expensive than our usual gifts. We can afford it but have several other big expenses coming up at the moment, including a house move. I was, I thought, suitably grateful but suggested that we return it – largely because I thought that’s what my partner had being hinting at in our earlier conversation.
He then went into a huff, apparently hurt that I wasn’t more enthusiastic about the gift. This particularly irritated me as I had just received news of the (not unexpected) death of an elderly family member and really could have done without managing his mood on top of everything else.
I feel like rather than a nice gift I’ve just been given a load of guilt and emotional labour. I’ve got a lot going on with family, and I’m just really resentful that now I’ve got to deal with this too. Maybe it’s all just a misunderstanding and I’m being unfair but I feel like I’ve been set up so that he gets all the “credit” for giving me an extravagant gift but none of the execution risk of me actually being able to accept it. I’m now going to end up with no birthday gift and I’m still somehow the bad guy. Do I need to just get over myself?
anon
I understand you have a lot going on, but I think you’re being unreasonable here. He gave you a lovely gift that is within your budget. Your birthday and the gift have nothing to do with the death in your family (which i’m so sorry to hear about, expected or not!). Sounds to me like he was excited to have found something lovely that you liked, and he was understandably disappointed and hurt you weren’t as excited as he was.
No one is “right” or “wrong” here, just a lot of miscommunication. Keep the lovely bag, thank you DH and move on.
Monday
But what about all his comments, before she even received the gift, about how it was overly expensive and “could still be returned”? This answer only fits for me if she ignores that, which I couldn’t either. Gifts are all about the message they send about the relationship, and this message is garbled at best.
OP, can you tell him honestly that you like the bag and would like to keep it? You only brought up returning it because he mentioned it first, before even giving it to you? If he was just being anxious about money, this is his chance to admit that and “try again” at giving you a nice gift.
Clementine
It can also mean, ‘Wow, I bought something that I really hope you love and if you don’t like it you can swap it for something similar. I didn’t realize how expensive these items were, but I knew you would like it and want to be sure you’re not stuck with something you don’t like.’
Anne-on
This would be my read as well. I’ve said (and heard) similar things to my spouse – hey, I just bought you this, but it was expensive so if you don’t love it you can totally return it for something you do love! Heck, maybe it makes me a mean wife but I have returned expensive gifts with my husband in tow so he can get a better sense of my style.
In both cases the stores let us know that they do ‘wishlists’ for just this scenario where someone can come in and pick items they like which their partner can then chose from. Gift buyer knows the gift will be well received, gift receiver is pleased because they got something they like!
anon
+1. That’s how I would’ve taken it. OP, I say this gently, but I think you overreacted and I’m not surprised your husband’s feelings are hurt.
anon
I look at that as a “yikes i spent a lot of money on this – don’t be pressured to keep it if you hate it”. My husband has been known to buy me some random things – some are super hits, and some are misses, so when its something that is on the pricier side he’d rather have me return it then it sit in my closet unused.
I don’t know, maybe just chat with him more about it? if its the first time something liek this has happened, maybe assume positive intentions?
Monday
Sure–she can assume positive intentions and tell him he made a great choice, and she’d like to keep it as long as he truly is comfortable with that. Then he can come out and say if he still wants to return it, but hopefully he doesn’t and the misunderstanding is cleared up.
I still think it’s reasonable for her to be annoyed that she has to manage her reaction to a birthday present because the way he presented it made it a problem for her.
Anonymous
She’s can also just say “thanks I love it” and move on.
Anon
Why are we so concerned with protecting his feelings and not hers at all? It’s her birthday. She’s grieving.
But won’t someone think of the men?
Anon
He probably felt a little insecure about buying such a big gift for her. Sometimes people downtalk themselves because they’re not confident in a situation.
Anon
+1
Yeah, I do this sometimes. Sometimes I just can’t shut my mouth. I am excited and nervous….. and then of course, very disappointed when the gift recipient is not happy with the gift. Yes, I’m working on this…
Anon
I think you’re wrong. He set her up in a lose-lose situation.
Anon
This.
Anonymous
I don’t like the question of whether you’re being reasonable or unreasonable because is seems to look at this through a grid of who is right/wrong. I’d say neither right nor wrong: instead, you’re overwhelmed. You don’t have a lot of emotional reserves or energy right now because of everything that is going on, and everything about the birthday and the gift is getting layered onto that and getting super intensified. Can you ask your husband for grace, and give him some grace, and revisit all of this in a couple of weeks?
Anonymous
Yes. You like the bag? Keep it. I don’t think he was saying it can be returned so the burden of budgeting for it is on you. It can be returned because it’s expensive and what if you hated it? But you don’t so please just keep and enjoy your bag and stop being silly.
Cat
tbh this is why my husband and I talk about expensive wish-list items in advance – we are a One Pot financial couple, and so him “splurging” on me doesn’t feel like a treat if it’s not an item I would value enough to pay for myself. It sounds like that may be the case here and why your husband was hemming and hawing about it.
If you don’t love the bag enough to keep it for the price he-slash-we paid, tell him “you know, it’s a beautiful bag but you’re right, it’s more than I’d like us to spend on this. I’d prefer X as my birthday treat this year”?
Anon
This question, along with the myriad posts about Mother’s Day being a let down that occur around this time of year, shows how fraught gift-giving can be and how important it is to set expectations with your partner.
If you like to be surprised and want your husband to take on the emotional and physical labor of a gift, then you kind of have to appreciate whatever he chooses to do. Maybe that involves setting some general parameters in price, etc for the future, but he got a (objectively) very thoughtful gift.
If you don’t like surprises and prefer to have input/pick your own gifts, say that. And then don’t expect grand gestures as the norm.
I mean, there is some middle ground here and yes people are entitled to their feelings and should be able to honestly say they don’t like a pricey gift… but the bottom line is that this is an area that requires lots of communication, because people are always disappointed!
Anon
+1 to all of this. I figured out pretty early in our relationship that gifts are not my husband’s love language and that having grown up in poverty where there was no money for gifts on most occasions, gift choosing and giving was something he struggled with. After a couple of misses on gifts, my grandmother told me “you just need to flat-out tell him what you want next time” – she had to do that with my grandfather, during their entire 55 years of marriage – and when I did, my husband was tremendously relieved to just have guidance. Over the years, he’s gotten to understand my taste better and so I do get surprise gifts that are winners, but it was a process to get there. Ditto with Mother’s Day and birthday celebrations. Left to his own devices, I will get flowers and maybe dinner out, and if I want more than that (or something different) I have to ask for what I want. I say “I would like to do this” and he will do whatever he needs to do to make that happen. Is that “emotional labor”? Maybe, but it solves the problem. Maybe we have enough division of emotional labor that that particular part of it doesn’t feel burdensome?
Big surprise romantic gestures are not something every guy is good at. Because (and I’ve said this here before) real life is not a rom-com. I have seen a lot of discussions online where people say “well, if he would just listen and pay attention to what I wanted, he could figure it out.” I dunno – all I have to do is mention that I think something’s wrong with my computer, or my car, or the house, and my husband is on it and it will be fixed within a day of the casual offhand comment. So he is paying attention to what I say. But big gifts that are chosen perfectly? Not really his strength. And that’s okay because gift-giving isn’t my love language and he does other things so well it doesn’t matter. There is no perfect partner, or perfect relationship. Expecting perfection and for a human being to do everything well is setting oneself up for profound disappointment.
In the OP’s case, if I loved the gift I would have just said “thanks so much, I know this is a big purchase and I just want you to know how much I appreciate it; I absolutely love the bag.” And moved forward without another thought. As others have mentioned, I would have taken the comments about “you can return it” more as “if you hate this you can take it back” and not as “I feel guilty for spending this much money and I want you to fix my guilt.” I would bet cash money the latter is not at all what her partner intended.
anon
Perfectly said.
Anon
I just give my husband a bunch of links after one awful birthday when I was hugely pregnant with our first child and he gave me a $50 gift certificate to a baby store, purchased from our joint account.
Anon
Same.
Trish
I started looking at concerts and theatre shows to suggest for my birthday and Christmas. That way we splurge on two shows a year and there is no drama over the jewelry or the bag.
GiftAnon
Thanks all – sounds like I am perhaps overreacting. I just feel a bit sad/resentful that a birthday gift led to me getting the silent treatment on the way to the airport for my grandmother’s funeral. I’d much rather have had no gift at all and avoided a fight.
Anonymous
I mean you didn’t tell any of us he gave you the silent treatment on the way to a funeral and I think you should reflect on why that is. No now, but like a month from now maybe do a real honest self check in on how you are feeling in your marriage.
Anon
That sounds like a separate issue. I could see having a miscommunication about the gift but you should just be able to talk about it. The silent treatment is not okay.
Cat
ok that sounds like there is more going on than just this gift – yikes.
Anon
I was confused when reading these responses – “He then went into a huff” is pretty clear that what happened afterwards was him being Very Upset with the OP, and that wasn’t okay.
He is being unreasonable. If you give someone a gift and say “you can return it,” don’t be mad when they say that it’s something that can be returned.
anon_needs_a_break
You’re not overreacting, OP.
Does your partner often take moments where your emotional needs should be centered and make it about himself? Is this a pattern?
Senior Attorney
My then-husband also picked a fight and gave me the silent treatment on the day of my grandmother’s funeral. It was a pattern with him. If it’s a pattern with your husband, I’d say you have some soul-searching to do about the viability of this marriage.
Anonymous
just commiseration here – i HATE it when my husband turns my justifiably bad mood (over something lousy he’s done/hasn’t done) into a pity party for himself and then i’m the one who ends up apologizing.
Anon
Amen.
Anon
The only charitable interpretation …in my opinion anyway…is that he was giving you a way out if you didn’t like it.
But I agree with you. His comments would’ve ruined it for me also. Maybe let him know how you feel…even if that wasn’t his intention.
Anon
honestly ever since DH and I got married and have joint finances, i find gift giving to be a bit silly. anything i really want i can just buy (we discuss larger purchases with each other), and I’d rather he give me something that isn’t quite so expensive, but more thoughtful/creative, though that is not at all his strong suit. i am not the best receiver of gifts bc i return almost everything bc if it is something $$$ I like to make sure I’m getting something I really want/need for that amount of money.
Anon
This. We basically stopped giving gifts when we got married. It just seems like a waste of time and money.
Anon
Yeah, we’re a one pot, DINK family too and we just don’t do gifts.
Anon
Same. With shared finances I don’t see the point. I’m paying for it, so I’d rather just buy myself exactly what I want.
here she goes
We’re DINKs too and are pretty similar. We either pick out our own gifts and chat beforehand about a value amount, or do a joint gift for something larger we both want. Our birthdays are only a couple weeks apart so joint gifts work for birthdays too.
Anon.
We do this, too.
I drop some hints about what I would like (e.g. for my last birthday, I wanted to have a nice coffee cup with a hummingbird on it because I love both hummingbords and coffee and wanted something to use every day). My husband and kid picked one out for me, so it was a semi-surprise, but appreciated.
Now, I still get flowers and chocolates for my birthday and Mother’s Day and such, and I’ll see the charges on the credit card.
But I would find it silly to not talk about a big purchase, including gifts, beforehand – I check my accounts once a week, and if my husband would buy a Peloton or expensive jewelry I’d probably question the purchase right away.
Anonie
First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your loved one. Secondly, while my husband and I would definitely plan any gift of this magnitude out in advance and discuss it first, I do feel for your husband in this scenario.
I grew up with a family member who would always complain that they “didn’t need” whatever gift was given to them, that it was too expensive, that they already had something that suited their needs just fine, etc. Frankly, it really hurt. Admittedly, I was a child and this was an adult, but the pattern continues to this day and it still stings now. Meanwhile, this person will make snide comments if there is no gift. (I am being intentionally vague here about my relationship to the person, but take my word that the relationship and gift-giving are important for me to maintain.)
Anyway, I can definitely see both sides and can’t say anyone is “right” or “wrong,” but your assessment does sound harder than necessary on your husband. My suggestion is that you tell him you’ll keep this lovely and thoughtful gift but that, moving forward, you want to choose together any gifts over X dollar amount.
anon
This (and OP) reminds me of a story from my childhood. My mom got my dad new golf shoes for father’s day. He complimented them, but said they were too expensive and asked her why she got them. He already had (old, ratty) golf shoes. He was not outright mean about it, but his tone was very clearly critical. I understand now that they were going through a tough time and worried about money, but still. I’ll never forget the look on her face and how hurt and sheepish she sounded when she said she’d return them. I get so anxious about giving gifts in relationships unless I know exactly what someone wants.
Trish
My husband would do anything in the world to give me the perfect gift and picking stuff out is so hard for him. I used to want him to just know what I want, or drop hints. It is too hard! I know pick something that it higher priced than we would normally spend and just say I want it. He only wanted you to return it if you didn’t like it. Not because it cost too much. Tell him you love it and want to keep it.
Anon
Your partner sounds incredibly immature at every instance here – impulsively buying the expensive gift, all of the hinting and not letting it be a surprise, giving you the option to return it but then pouting when you do, and then making it all about himself when it’s your birthday and you are also grieving.
I’m not gonna quite jump to return-the-partner-keep-the-bag, but that’s how I’d be feeling in your shoes. I’m just here to validate your feelings.
JD
One thing I’ve learned is to separate the initial gift giving moment from any feedback/returns. In the moment, you have to just be gracious and excited. Later you can broach your actual feelings, but that way you don’t undercut the excitement of the gift giver. I know this is extra emotional work, but the giver put in some thought too. Relationships can always use a little care and padding.
Anon
This is really nice. It is a very kind strategy.
Anonymous
This is a communication issue. Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s motivations. Just ask. “When you brought up the price of the gift, it made me feel like you want me to return it. Am I reading that right?” That way, whatever he says, he has to own it and you can proceed accordingly with no guilt.
Making assumptions about someone’s true meaning leads to miscommunication and also opens the door for passive aggressive/manipulative behavior. You assumed that he wanted you to return it, and then even if that’s actually what he wanted, he can act all offended, return it, and still get credit for getting the expensive gift, plus he’s made you feel badly. Idk if that was the intention all along or if this was an honest miscommunication. His pouting and silent treatment, especially while you’re dealing with a death in the family, is also hugely problematic, and it makes me wonder if this is why you’re reading his behavior as manipulative. Maybe this is your spidery senses going off.
Matching bag & luggage
I’m going to start driving to some cruises in Florida. Please recommend an elegant (but not super expensive) bag and hardcase luggage set.
TIA
Anne-on
It would help to know your budget but I’d say Tumi, Briggs and Riley, and Monos are my favorites in order from most to least $$. Keep an eye out for Memorial Day sales – sometimes you can get better deals on luggage at Nordstrom/Saks than you can at the retailers directly for slightly older models.
Bags
I could do Mono, but was hoping to do less. A Memorial Day sale would work. Do you like their Weekender bag?
Anne-on
I have their luggage but not their bags. My weekend bags are an ancient coach duffle that’s still going strong (the leather from the 90s was no joke) and a newer Lo and Sons catalina that I adore and would 100% recommend.
Bags
I was looking at the Catalina, it does look good!
Anon
Whatever is currently at Costco.
Sybil
With zero sarcasm, I hope you are always the person who often suggests “whatever is at Costco.” It’s happened a few times lately. Costco forever!
Anon
I like Paravel, they’re stylish and well made.
Bags
Thanks!
Anonymous
I have been so happy with a Tumi bag I got at the Tumi outlet – it’s truly fabulous. Regular Tumi prices are insane, but the outlet makes it a little more manageable. I also think the Away luggage is really nice for a complete matched set.
Bags
I didn’t know there are Tumi outlets. Thanks!
Anon
Man, as a short pear with a tummy, I just cannot with this.
OTOH, I don’t want to be a negative nelly on a Monday. Yesterday, after listening to the newest Des and Kara podcast (by two world-class runners, which I clearly am not), I laced up my new Hokas and ran (3/4) and walked (1/4) two miles in . . . 24 minutes. It was not awful (and I really hate running — am more of a hiker). This was after walking a 5K (with kids) and a 2 mile dog’s usual morning walk. It is not a victory over much, but it is a definite win over the couch and screen time.
Cb
Well done!
I was a sporadic yoga-goer for years, and never saw any improvement until I commited to weekly yoga for 3 months. I told myself that if I hated it by the end, I’d never make myself go EVER again. By the end of the 3 months, I was strong enough to actually enjoy it and was hooked.
Maybe something similar would be helpful? You can try running for the next 6 weeks and if you still hate it, you’ve given it a good go?
Anonymous
Heh, I would not accuse this pick of having the gravitas of a blazer, either.
And also, hooray for a pleasant run. Listening to Des and Kara always motivates me to run, too! It’s quite possible that with the right shoes, the right sports bra and the right weather, you might decide you like the occasional run after all. (Or not – life is too short to repeatedly do exercise you hate.)
Anonymous
Um a 12 minute mile, especially with some walking in the mix, is really good for most people. Please don’t make other people who might celebrate a 12 or heck a 15 minute mile feel like they shouldn’t consider that to be “not a victory over much.”
Anon
Balllerette is stalking me on social. They look like what my bad feet need. Has anyone tried IRL? My feet loved Rothy’s rounds but I need something a bit more formal.
Anon
I have, they’re cute. They’re not comfort shoes like Rothys though.
Stalking Shoes
A shoe company called VIVAIA has been stalking me online. Has anyone experience with them?
Anon
Apparently I just buy all the shoes that stalk me. I’ve bought those too and didn’t like them. They’re frumpy IRL and rubbed my heels badly.
Anonymous
Yes. Pros: They are pretty, soft-ish, comfortable, and well made. Con: They make my feet sweat like crazy!! Not sure what they could be made of.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I have a pair of Vivaias–the Aria 5 degrees I think? I like them and they’re pretty comfortable for my wide feet. Only problem is they have no support, but I’m considering buying a few more pairs, especially with a low heel which might help a bit with the flat-shoe-no-support problem.
Jules
I gave in to the Vivaia stalking. I bought a pair of square toe pumps, with a couple of embellishments to put on them (black bows and freeform mother-of-pearl thingies), they look pretty nice on particularly with one of the additions. I was so happy because the balls of my feet tend to hurt, and these are super-cushioned and the heel is padded so there are no blisters. The problem is they somehow rub or squash my toes, especially the top of my toes. I’m slowly breaking them in (or breaking in my feet). It’s not that they’re too small – I was stepping out of the next size up, and my toes are not up to the front of the shoe – but more like the top is too low? I’m not sure, but I’m bummed because otherwise they are great and I would buy more, especially the pointy-toed ones.
anon
I LOVE this. If only it wasn’t so much. One day…when I don’t work from home.
Anon
But it seems like a WFH piece (with an office clothes budget).
Cat
idk, I feel like this is something that you’d see in a ski shop at Vail for impulse “apres mountain luxe” purchases. I can’t quite see wearing this type of color scheme and pocket stitching in a city.
Anon
It is very The Dude Abides.
Josie P
+1, it’s like the designer said to their team “hippie, but make it fancy!” – and it also seems like an unflattering shape.
Win for the weekend: I found that the skirt that I was debating getting a while back, but didn’t, went on sale for 40% off, so I snagged it! :)
Josie P
This one https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/by-anthropologie-floral-applique-skirt?color=030&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
Anon
Gorgeous!
Job Offer Question
What would you do if you applied to multiple jobs and got an offer from one while you hadn’t heard anything at all from the others? I have been in this situation before and always took the job because I couldn’t afford to wait on a check. I’m in a position now where I can comfortably go several months without needing a paycheck. I’m sure I’ll trust my gut and be satisfied with my decision but I’m curious how others have handled this situation. Is it shortsighted to take the first offer when you have time to be a bit picky?
Anonymous
Do you like the first offer?
Job Offer Question
Yes, I do like the first offer. It’s aligned with where I want to take my career. A couple of the other jobs I applied to sound appealing too.
Cat
I would reach out to the others and nicely inquire on their timeline. Knowing you have a pending offer may speed them up.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1 I’d reach out to the others first. But “the bird in hand is better than two in a bush” is a phrase for a reason. If you’re happy with the first offer and the other ones you’re interested in don’t pursue you quickly once you’ve inquired about timeline and told them you have a pending offer, I’d take it!
Anne-on
+1, sometimes the other firms knowing you have an offer will speed things up.
I’d only recommend this in the right circumstances – when I was in my 20’s I took a role and then left it 3 months later when another firm I’d been interviewing with finally made me an offer. The firm I was working at was a smaller hedge fund, and the one that made me the offer moved much more slowly (large, white shoe investment firm). The smaller firm wasn’t super thrilled but they were understanding with the ‘this offer is too good to turn down, fell into my lap unexpectedly’ language I used. No regrets, having the big name on my resume led to roles and opportunities I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise but I would only do that if you are really comfortable with having potential blowback. In my case even my mentors were like ‘of course you take the job with Goldman over First Republic, you’d be nuts not too!’ (not the actual firms btw).
Nesprin
+3 my comically hidebound institution can get really nimble when a candidate we’re interested in has a competing offer.
Anon
I want to know the ratio of applications to interviews, and interviews to offers, you typically get. Unless you tend to get a lot of jobs you apply for, I would assume that your resume is in the resume black hole and take the job if it’s a good fit.
Job Offer Question
I like this perspective. Certainly more applications than interviews. Historically interviews have turned into offers about a third of the time. I’m sure my resume is in more than a few black holes.
Anon
I’d take it, this isn’t a hot market. A few months could turn into a lot longer.
Anon
I am not clear on whether you’ve just applied or whether you’ve interviewed for the other jobs. If you haven’t interviewed then you have no reason to hope that there’s an offer coming that will be better than the one you have right now.
Take the time to consider your offer and try to think about the new job in a vacuum – no comparisons to other imaginary jobs. Just this one. Do you like it? Is the money right? Then take it. And congratulations!
Anon
If you like the job offer and haven’t had any interviews elsewhere, I would just accept. Reaching out to check on the status of the other applications doesn’t make sense to me if you haven’t interviewed. They are highly unlikely to make any decisions in a timeline that works for you if you haven’t even interviewed.
If you have interviewed and think you would prefer the interview job over the offer, then it makes sense to call and check on their decision timeline. If they liked you, that might prompt them to make a decision
Achy breaky morning
I’m 52 and notice that lately I wake up with a lot more body pains and stiffness. It gets better after some stretching and a hot shower but some days I need advil to manage the pain. I’m also perimenopausal. Is this just part of this phase of life now? anyone have tips for managing this?
anonshmanon
Sounds like this is all over? I had a few months of nightly/morning pain in my hip and lower back, my sciatic nerve saying hi. I improved my office ergonomic setup, do nightly stretches and on doctor’s advice, am taking a daily magnesium supplement. YMMV
Anonymous
How old is your mattress?
Anon
You are at the age where years of wear and tear on joints or bad ergonomics at the computer/using the cell phone catch up with you. Arthritis, easier to pull muscles etc… Some types of arthritis, and some muscle issues worsen overnight, so you stiffen up by morning. But it is also true that a symptom of perimenopause can be “joint pains”, which is often explained vaguely.
Like the other poster, stretches and improving ergonomics help. I also have a lot of back issues. So I have some back specific stretches (which help the most in the morning) and I started yoga. I am also hoping to start hormone replacement therapy for my other perimenopausal symptoms (hot flashes/sleep issues/dry eyes/worse migraines), so we’ll see if that helps too.
Anonymous
Thanks for the helpful feedback. My mattress is 6 years old and it was a high quality one so I don’t think that’s the issue. I’m trying to be diligent about doing yoga and stretches in the morning and evening. I’ve been sitting for longer than usual stretches so that may be compounding things. I also take magnesium supplements along with turmeric. I’m about to start hormone replacement therapy too so maybe that will help.
anon_needs_a_break
This might just be life, yes, but I’d try a daily turmeric supplement before i just committed to regular advil use. And more gentle stretching or yoga on a regular basis.
Anon
58 over here and I would say, yes, this is just aging and menopause. Yoga and exercise helps but I basically just take more Advil.
Anon
I’m also 58 and just here to say “welcome.” As long as your aches and pains get better as you move around, it’s nothing to be worried about.
I did get a mattress topper until it’s time to get a new mattress and I think it has helped.
Mrs. Jones
I think it’s part of aging. Try yoga/stretching.
Me too
64 here and similar issues turned out to be my thyroid is under-active. Apparently fairly common in post-men people.
anon
I’m six years younger than you, but for me, the solution has been morning yoga or foam rolling.
Fullyfunctional
Could be placebo effect but I swear collagen supplementation helped me with this.
Cb
Hit me with your best dressing recipes? I made amazing mustard dressing this week and realised my repetoire was a bit limited going into salad season.
Anon
I look for simple recipes that are soy based, sometimes with peanut.
Sunflower
Lemon-garlic vinaigrette:
https://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/7887550/lemon-garlic-vinaigrette
Anon
I often make a Greek inspired salad with chickpeas, tomatoes, bell pepper, red onions, olives and whatever cheese I’m in the mood for. I’ll also make a dressing with olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, tahini, and chopped dill. It’s great and my bf loves it!
Anon
1 c buttermilk
1 c best foods/Hellman’s mayonnaise
1 packet hidden valley ranch mix – buttermilk recipe
Must say buttermilk recipe on the packet.
This is the one true ranch. The bottled versions are an abomination.
daylight
Check out Kathleen Ashmore’s site/recipes for her salads. I haven’t made any that I haven’t liked.
Treettoyn
Oilive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, herbes de provence, and enough garlic powder to sink a ship. Like, when you think it is too much, do a little more.
My go to salad has apple, gouda cheese, avacado, tomatoes and whatever lettuce looks good that day.
Cb
I’ve found a ChatGPT use case. I’ve been managing a travel survey for my son’s school and we had a pile of open ended responses about locations which parents/carers viewed as dangerous for walkers and cyclists. I copied them in, asked ChatGPT to identify all roads mentioned, and provide a count of how many times each road was mentioned. It wasn’t perfect, but gave me a huge head start on mapping the areas for the school and police.
Anon
I like the idea of this, but from what I’ve seen in my own use so far, I wouldn’t trust it to capture things like someone reporting “park” instead of “Park Way.”
Anon
It also seems to be completely math incompetent, so I’m extremely curious about how well it was able to count.
Cb
I spot-checked the counts and it was accurate. The data entered wasn’t clean, lots of typos and some variations, so I had to tidy it up “High Street” and “High St” were counted as separate streets but it was an easy fix.
For work, I asked it to make me a table with two columns of the powers of two different institutions (something I knew well, but didn’t want to type in myself) and it was acccurate.
Anon
Good to know!
Anonymous
Aaaargh does this mean we will now be using ChatGPT instead of human coders to analyze qualitative interview and focus group data? Although my IRB would definitely not be down with that.
Anon
I do a lot of qualitative research and I have already been directly contacted by a startup competitor to chatGPT to discuss that future and to test out their model. Our days are definitely numbered.
Cb
My colleague used it for open-ended survey responses. They hand-coded, did another software coding, and ChatGPT and found a 1-2% difference between them.
I’m working with a massive dataset at the moment where we’ve asked people to type in their reasons on a political issue. The intellectual work is necessary for the creation and refinement of the coding schema, but there’s no reason AI couldn’t do the rest.
Anonymous
I use grounded theory coding on some projects and there is no way AI could do that, at least not the current AI.
anonshmanon
Can you say more about why your IRB would have issues? Is it the part about preserving confidentiality over the data? Because that could be solved, on a technical level. Or is it something else?
Anonymous
Confidentiality. Our IRB requires tight control of access to interview and focus group transcripts. ChatGPT’s security is a black box, and it is unclear what happens to the data it retains.
Nesprin
+2 There’s a growing understanding that machine learning algorithms trained on clinical data could contain enough information to violate HIPAA regulations.
anonshmanon
Right, that is currently the case. It’s technically possible to fix that issue, although it would be both expensive (you’d have to basically pay to run your own, walled off version instead of using a communal version like now), and if it’s not being trained on relevant data, it may also not perform as well.
Anon
I have been using Chat GPT as a search engine. Even thought I can’t follow up and say “where did you get that fact/number?” it has really been helpful as a more specific search tool and I don’t have to wade through cluttered google results that may or may not answer my specific question. I’m looking forward to search working this way.
Anonymous
My husband has been using it as a search engine and it is terrible.
Anon
I ask it to provide sources and links and it works.
Monday
How we feeling, Succession audience? (spoilers to come)
I feel like the writers are letting the characters run out of affectionate or jocular ways to say that Logan was an abusive a**hole, and also showing how everyone trying to feed on his legacy is quickly becoming the same. Shiv is “flexible” with the white supremacist president-elect; none of Ken/Rome/Tom even pretend to treat employees like people; Connor is as delusional as ever but at least causing less harm with his delusions.
I’m predicting a sinister ending in which maybe none of them “wins.” Like, Matsson makes the purchase but then sells out Shiv so that none of them land on the inside?
Anonymous
Feeling like I hope this show ends soon!
ANON
lol if you don’t like it. dont watch it and don’t engage? why do you want to step on other people’s enjoyment.
Anon
Eh, I’m a huge fan and feeling the same way! I also can’t figure out how they wrap it up in 90 minutes.
Anon
I too cannot figure out how they will wrap this up in 90 minutes!
Anon
It’s fantastic TV but the last few episodes have hit too close to home politically. It’s stressful to watch, similar to the final season of Veep. As much as I love Succession I’ll be relieved when it’s over.
Anon
Was Willa wearing a denim skirt at the funeral?
Seventh Sister
I couldn’t tell, but Marcia’s outfit was a big miss for me. Also Shiv, but I always think Shiv is wearing something that is juuuuuust slightly wrong.
Anon
Yeah, I think that’s a key part of Shiv’s character.
Anon
I love that wide collar look and thought it looked good on her. It’s hard to make it work with any non-updo hairstyle though.
Anon
I was on pins and needles watching Roman completely break down, and wondered how much his terrible decisions election night had to do with his repressed emotional/mental state, in hindsight.
Runcible Spoon
That was some fine acting last night!
Monday
I’ve had a hard time watching Roman sell out so completely to Mencken and his white supremacist views (which he probably already held, of course). I know it’s silly to try to “like” anyone on this show, but I guess Kieran Culkin has a cute smile and I got tricked.
Senior Attorney
I agree — I can’t imagine any of the three “kids” ending up on top. I loved last night’s episode and the one before (and really, the whole season). I’m expecting them the stick the landing next week, too.
Anon
I love this show and have since day one. Like, obsessed. But the election night episode was too much for me! Very very hard to watch.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I kind of watched it between my fingers with my hands over my eyes! Pretty tough stuff.
Anon
I’m really interested in where things are headed. Aside from the surprise baby, Shiv seems pretty levelheaded this season and so many of her strategic calls are working out. I’m kind of waiting to see if she’s going to overreach and suffer the consequences, which is her usual character arc. (Honestly, ditto Ken.). I’ll be so sad when the show ends, although I love that they are going out on high note.
Anon
So many people in the Vulture comments think Greg is going to end up on top and I will be soooooo disappointed if that’s what the writers do. But yeah, I’d be really surprised if any of the kids come out on top.
I watch this show with my husband because he likes it and I think it has gotten soooo boring this season. I find it very tedious. But I will say, Brian Cox saying “you are not serious people” is burned into my brain forever. I loved that moment.
Anonymous
I’m going on vacation! Location TBD! Date within the next month, when a giant project wraps, but can’t plan beyond SOON!
Any tips on last minute vacation planning? I’ve started scoping out prices and they are understandably quite high.
I’m coming from the DC area, and would have at least a week, maybe a little more. I want to leave the U.S., but as a single woman traveling alone, and looking for a sufficiently safe location. I don’t want to drive in a foreign country, and prefer city adventures to the beach, but I know I’ll need to be flexible. Thanks!
Anonymous
Accept that last minute vacations, and all travel, are expensive. And buy the cheapest ticket to a European city you can find and then go there.
Anon
+1 unless you don’t care how much you spend, cost is going to be a big factor here. In general the flights to Europe this summer are beyond nuts. We scrapped plans to go to Switzerland because we couldn’t find economy tickets under $2k/person even with completely flexible dates booking several months in advance.
Cat
skyscanner or Google Flights ‘anywhere’ and play around with dates.
NYCer
I love Barcelona for a city vacation.
Anon
For me, Paris is always the answer. Play with flights and hotels and lose yourself there for a week. I’ve gone there solo a bunch of times, it’s perfect for traveling alone.
Anon
Counterpoint: I’ve traveled solo quite a bit in European cities and Paris was by far my least favorite place to be alone as a woman (though I love the city when visiting with a friend or partner). I’ve found the stereotypes about Parisian men being aggressive to be true, and business owners don’t care about a woman being harassed the way they would in the US. I’m sure age is a factor – I was in my 20s at the time and am sure I’d get less unwanted attention now at 40. But something to keep in mind.
Anon
Hmm I’ve only ever traveled to Paris as a single woman, I’m decently attractive, and not one creepy man ever. And people were surprisingly friendly overall.
Anon
(By the way I’m not 10:26)
Anon
I am 10:26 and never had that experience either. Quite the opposite, actually. Not to dismiss it, but I’ve been to Paris alone about 5x and never experienced anything close to that.
Anonymous
Same!
Anon
I think what bothered me more than the handful of creepy men (which exist in virtually all places) was that it seemed like there was a culture of accepting the harassment of young women. The worst experience was when I was harassed in a restaurant: a man got up from his table and sat down at my table, wouldn’t leave when I asked him to, was touching my knee, etc. In the US, and I think in many other parts of Europe, the waitstaff or restaurant management would have made him move or leave the restaurant. In Paris they didn’t care and actually laughed when I asked for help. I speak conversant French, so it wasn’t a language barrier. I ended up leaving the restaurant with my meal uneaten. I never felt like I was in physical danger, but it definitely put a real damper on the trip.
Anon
Be mindful of the current protests going on in Paris.
Seventh Sister
When we went in April, the protests were no big deal apart from having to reschedule one outing. There was trash out for a few days, and a general strike one day, but it was pretty much business as usual. If anything, people were really nice about our questions and it was easy to re-book stuff. I felt safer on the Metro than I feel on the one in LA.
Anon
I loved Lisbon. I went solo and it wasn’t too expensive then. Cheaper than London or Paris. I’m also felt totally safe as a single woman.
Anonymous
Basically any European city would be fine for a single woman – I’ve done it a bunch! I’ve loved Amsterdam and Copenhagen as bases, and trains from both are very easy to use. Viator is great to see what kind of day trips are around and to join tours (both in or out of the city). I don’t think you’ll find anything super cheap but I love just putting in my dates and grabbing the best priced flight and essentially letting the prices determine where I go. Have fun!
Senior Attorney
If you don’t mind some cold weather, it might be fun to do a trip to Iceland. Reyjkavik is super safe and fun — good food, good cocktails, the public pools are great, and there are amazing day trips to gorgeous natural wonders. Only drawback is it’s expensive but what isn’t these days?
Anonymous
Yes! Breath taking and the safest country on the planet. Fly Play – they have great rates out of your city and it will be direct.
Runcible Spoon
London — if they are not experiencing strikes or a spike in COVID-19. Or Madrid. Or Rome (or any comparable city in Italy). Amsterdam/the Hague is quite nice, too, and I believe KLM has less expensive fares from IAD. If you have lots of time, you could consider Tokyo and Bangkok, although it is probably the hot, muggy, rainy season in those two cities. Perhaps Buenos Aires? Enjoy!
Anon
A few places I’ve loved as a solo female traveler:
Budapest – going to a different bath each day, cheap massages at the baths by angry Eastern European women who get the knots out, and then lots of sightseeing. Not expensive, although no direct flights.
Krakow – Stunning, interesting walkable town. Lots of history, chopin, shopping, river biking. Side trips to Birkenau-Auschwitz were incredibly moving (and grounding for gratitude).
Vilnius Lithuania – lovely, charming city. Lots of history, gardens, cool architecture. Cheap and such a safe place. Absolutely loved it. and I added on:
Talinn, Estona – also charming. Medieval/very cool city walls. Reminded me of Prague but before Prague got Disneyfied.
Have a great time!!! Generally, I find Eastern Europe to be very budget-friendly and easy to navigate. Much cheaper than Paris/London/Barcelona and other larger cities.
Anon
I’d go to Budapest and Vienna. It’s about a 2.5 fast train ride between the two cities. In Budapest, I’d go to the baths (Gellert, Lukacs, Rudas for the rooftop jacuzzi at night), spend an evening at the Jazz club Opus, read a book at Koleves Kert, get dinner at Mazel Tov, shop at Nanuska and Palmetta Design. (I used to live in Budapest).
In Vienna I’d get dinner / champage at the Palmenhaus, culture vulture through the art galleries, get fancy coffee and cake at cafe Pruckel, and chill in the parks
anon
Just realized that Memorial Weekend is coming up …
I’m debating whether to host a family BBQ on Sunday. I know I wouldn’t regret doing it, but I am so tired from my actual job, doing lots of work on our yard this spring, and all the end-of-school-year activities & extras. My family isn’t exactly small, so even the simplest gathering is still a decent amount of work.
Pros: Quality time with the family, getting to use and enjoy the yard we’ve worked hard on, the weather is supposed to be nice
Con: I am so tired right now.
Thoughts?
Anonymous
Absolutely not. It’s this weekend! Why would you do this to yourself.
Anon
Just do it and keep it easy. Chips for appetizers, make one thing not multiple options, let people bring stuff to lighten the load, hire some help.
Anon
+1. Make it a potluck.
Nesprin
+2 or a grocery store for sides+ hamburgers for mains+ paper plates. If someone asks what they can do to help assign them drinks, dessert, side dish etc.
Anon
Keep it simple – it’s nice doing elaborate parties but people just want to be together. You can order a bunch of pizzas and wings as the meal. Buy some bagged salads and a fruit plate and seltzer at the grocery store. Delegate to someone reliable who will get there in time to bring ice for coolers, and everyone else to bring wine, beer, or dessert.
anonshmanon
this. For me, BBQs are a big lift because of all the shopping, cooking and prepping. But you can skip that!
Anne-on
Host but let the grocery store cater – get the pre-formed burger patties, marinated tofu kebabs, and hot dogs plus crudite platters, fruit salad, bags of chip, potato/coleslaw/pasta salad and ask people to bring drinks and desserts. Backyard BBQs are my favorite things to host because they’re so easy and people are perfectly happy with the usual staples. If your family would be open to it I’d also just tell people what to bring – Bob please bring seltzer, Jane can bring juice boxes, Sally can bring some beer, Tim can bring wine, and everyone else can bring ice or a dessert.
Anon
Host but keep it easy! I would probably order pizza but would also consider:
– burgers and dogs on the grill (especially if someone else grills!) with store-bought pasta salad, a green salad from a bag
– pasta (boxed) with jarred sauce and frozen meatballs / sausage / shrimp
– Costco taco kit
I would keep apps super simple: chips and salsa, store bought veggie tray, store bought cheese tray, etc. Ditto with dessert: ice cream cones or popsicles, a frozen or store-bought pie, maybeee brownies from the box.
I love family gatherings and host pretty often, but I always keep it super simple. For me, the emphasis is gathering with family or friends, not on the food!
Anon
If you manage to talk yourself into doing it, buy everything. Everything. Buy a house cleaning, buy the food, buy paper plates and napkins.
Anon
This! Make it as easy as possible on yourself
Anon
Every time we’re coming up on a holiday weekend and I think “I would love to have a party but I’m too tired and don’t really want to do all that work,” we don’t have the party and we’re very happy to have a relaxing long weekend with minimal plans and minimal work required. Only having parties/gatherings when we’re really looking forward to it and I don’t mind putting the work in makes for much less tiredness/burnout over the long run, for me. YMMV
anon
OP here, and this is a valid point.
Anon
I just had people over last weekend. It wasn’t my idea, and I was stressed from a busy week, but I did it anyway. Then half the people who thought it was such a great idea didn’t show up. If I had been excited about the event, I might not have felt as grumpy about it today as I do. So my advice is to only throw parties you actually want to throw.
Anonymous
Hm then again I’m always tired and busy and don’t want to do social things. When I give into that feeling, I don’t see anyone for weeks or months at a time. When I force myself to do a little something, I enjoy it. And actually I think doing a last minute thing would be preferable for me, because then I don’t stress about it for weeks or months ahead of time.
Anon
Relax this weekend and plan something for July Fourth instead.
Anon
Why not throw a potluck or bagel brunch at a local park? Don’t have to clean before or after
Anonymous
Do it! Parents and in-laws have passed away now. I’m so happy for the memories of celebrating together.
anon
I’m turning 35 in a few weeks.I’m not doing anything special because we have a lot going on right now, but I would like to get myself something special. I’m married, no kids, and don’t have a particular # in mind wrt how much to spend.
Anon
What are your hobbies and interests?
anon
Travelling (though I’ve just returned from a long trip), reading (but I generally do that though the library), and working out (but I just bought a huge pack of orange theory classes), I’m in Texas in case relevant.
Anne-on
A really nice piece of luggage? A first edition of your favorite book? Some beautiful custom bookshelves or built ins? A nice cozy chair for reading in?
Maudie Atkinson
Does it have to be a thing? What about a spa weekend? Even better if you could treat a friend to come with you, or your spouse, if that’s more appealing.
anon
If you are Houston based, I would go to the Sawyer Yards open studios on the weekend (not sure if they are doing it this weekend with the holiday), spend the afternoon browsing all the artist studios and buy some piece of art that you really like. Budget wise, there is a ton to choose from under 2,000 (for originals) and lots of prints available if you are not in that big of a splurge mood. There are also several amazing photographers there if you wanted to treat yourself to some high fashion photos. If you are not from Houston, I could still make the case for a trip + people watching at Hotel Zaza.
Anon
I collect bracelets and add to my stack for milestones. Perhaps start a collection of something you like?
daylight
A couple things I would consider, very specific to my taste so take ’em or leave ’em. :)
-skydiving (tbh this is in the front of my mind because it’s been a few years and I can’t wait to go again this weekend)
-a big crystal – we recently got a huge amethyst and a slice of petrified wood – they’re natural art sculptures, love them.
-a piece of original art, framed
-a nice yoga mat (I can recommend liforme or jade mat)
-a piece of jewelry that you’ll wear every day
-a tall cactus
Anon
I wouod spend money to make my home more comfortable – like hire a handy person to do a bunch or random small repairs that have piled up or a decorator to get favorite photos printed. pick frames, and hang them artfully.
Anon
For me it’s always jewelry. The nice thing about it is that you keep real jewelry forever, and have memories associate with each item.
Runcible Spoon
A lovely string of pearls or a pair of diamond stud earrings (which can be economized by choosing “illusion” cut diamonds). You can wear either for the rest of your life. Alternatively, a spa day, if you can spare the time (you said you have a lot going on right now), or a performance, or a once-in-a-lifetime dining experience.
Anon
Favorite bright/neon colored nail polish for toes?
I usually dress in varying shades of black but love bright toenails in the summer.
Anon
I’m a classic red girl, I never like neon past the salon chair.
anon
Essie’s Throw in the Towel is a bright coral pink. Not neon, but I have it on my toes right now, and it is quite a bit brighter than it appears in the bottle.
Cirque Colors does awesome neon polishes. Nails Inc. also has options. I’m often drawn to China Glaze’s summer collections, but that brand chips like crazy on me for some reason.
Anonymous
I’m planning on a bold purple next time I go.
daylight
I wore exclusively Essie In The Cab-ana on my toes for years.
Anon
Not neon but I love a turquoise nail this time of year. The shade I’m thinking of, and I wish I remembered the OPI name, is a saturated medium bright on the blue side of turquoise – maybe between turquoise and aqua, maybe sort of a vivid robins egg blue. It’s gorgeous for warm weather /summer.
anon a mouse
OPI Cajun Shrimp. It’s a bright coral-red, not neon but very summery.
anon
Oh yeah, that’s a classic.
Mrs. Jones
+1
Anon.
I like bright blue, turqoise, or gold on my toes. I got Essie’s You Do Blue (a lighter periwinkle with violet sparkle) last time I got a pedicure.
anon
For anyone who has had to do PT for pelvic floor issues and/or diastasis recti correction, how long before you saw results and how many times a week did you do the exercises? And if you managed to correct any issues, do you have to continue the exercising regime to prevent your muscles from backsliding? In other words, will I have to do these exercises for the rest of my life?! Feeling very discouraged about not making any progress after 4 months of every day exercises. :(
Anon
It takes time to see results, particularly if you’re nursing. It can take a good 6 months after you finish nursing for your hormones to normalize. Do you feel like you’re getting stronger? Are the workouts hard enough for you? I found that doing appropriate workout videos was more helpful than pt exercises alone.
Anon
I realize I didn’t answer your question – my PT gave me exercises that I did every single day. I actually saw a few, not all PTs are good. Don’t be afraid to find someone better if it’s not working out.
Anon
It took me about 6-9 months of specific PF/DR exercises to get my pelvic floor back in serviceable shape (and by that I mean where I could go for a run without leaking) after my second kid. Was maybe 4-5 months after my first. But for the DR I didn’t see real improvement until I returned to harder core exercises. I found pure barre to really help because the classes involve a lot of true deep core work.
You will be able to get your strength back! But also I also have friends who ended up getting DR surgery – sometimes exercise isn’t enough.
anon
I started about 3 weeks ago and I’m 5 months pp. I had awful back pain towards the end of pregnancy and postpartum and that started to clear up after a few sessions, as in I don’t feel my back seize up as often anymore. Still not ready to go for a run and gardening is still painful.
Anon
Have you actually seen a pelvic floor PT or are you just doing PT exercises? I did exercises on my own postpartum for several months and was still having issues (pain when I peed or tried to run). I got very discouraged. I then saw an actual pelvic floor PT and had her do some internal work for maybe 6 sessions– it was night and day improvement for me after 1-2 sessions. My muscles were very tight and were not releasing on their own, so when I was doing exercises, I was not actually strengthening anything and was just making them tighter. Since physical therapy, I have gotten noticeably stronger and have been able to keep up strength with my normal exercise routine.
Anonymous
I did PT for pelvic floor issues (stress incontinence), which didn’t help at all, even after several months. I waited until I stopped nursing to see if the hormonal aspect made a difference (a little), and eventually had a mid-urethral sling surgery, which I have never regretted.
Anon-na-nah
I’m so interested in this. I have DR but no PF issues. I’ve done PT and traditional core training with modifications and lately have done Pilates, which I think has made it worse. Has anyone done Every Mother with good results? How long did it take to close your gap?
Anon
I do not think it’s a good idea to use the app without an in person eval by a PT. Everyone is different.
Mine is almost closed 3 months post partum (2 kids). Started PT very early after birth.
anon
How long do you keep nail polish for? I love to buy polish but only paint my toenails like once a month so my bottles last forever. But I think the color starts to change so I’m guessing it has a shelf life. Essie, if that matters.
anonshmanon
I’ve never noticed a color change, but they dry out over time and become too gloopy to apply.
anon
Years, really. I keep it until the color seems off or the formula is too hard to work with.
Anon
Years for most. Some brands don’t last as long before they dry out (you can buy drops to add to revive them) or get gummy. I have had the color change slightly over a number of years for some colors. Lighter colors tend to change more than dark colors in my experience. I would keep the bottles in a clean, dry, dark place. I think direct sunlight and humidity of a bathroom can impact shelf life.
Cat
I’ve had some for 5-10 years (essie), but I store them in a bin in my closet so they aren’t exposed to light or significant humidity.
Anon
Usually years, and definitely no set timeframe. If it becomes too sticky or thick to easily apply, I toss. I’m more likely to get tired of a color and pass it along to friends, though.
I keep mine in a bin in a cabinet (not in my bathroom) so they aren’t impacted by light or humidity.
When the color changes I just give it a good shake and it seems fine again.
anon
I’ve kept mine for 10 years + and if they get gloopy, I just put a few drops of polish thinner, shake, and they are magically revived.
Anon
You can buy drop to put in nail polish that has gone gloopy. That will extend the life of your polishes.
Anon
It varies by brand and how I store them. But I have no qualms about throwing out a bottle that’s gone bad in one way or another because I’m usually ready to move on to a new color.
Anon
My OPI nail polishes last around 3-4 years before I have to toss them. Drugstore nailpolish maybe 2 years. But I live in a European apartment without air conditioning, and I expect that makes a difference.
Anon
Until it gets too gloppy to apply neatly or until it goes the other direction and won’t dry on my nails no matter how long I wait. This takes something like 8-10 years for the cheapest of dime store brands.
anon
Any other Everything is Fine listeners? I’m Gen X so the show hits all my sweet spots and I love it!
Anon
Me too!
Hellooooooo
Yes!! Love!
Anon
Yes. I enjoyed the NYT piece on Kim France’s wedding too….
Hypatia
EiF is my jam – I started listening during the pandemic and now wait for the drop every Monday!
If anyone knows similar podcasts, I’d be interested in those, too. Listened to Call Your Girlfriend before they stopped, but prefer the EiF age range.
Anon
I did TheThing: I got the first of the Shingles vaccine shots on Saturday. I felt pretty knocked out on Sunday, and my arm is still sore, but phew. I’m glad I’m taking care of it.
Anon
Good for you! I got my series just before the pandemic and it has been a relief to just know that’s one less thing to worry about.
Senior Attorney
Very smart! The shots are no joke but having actual shingles is NO JOKE AT ALL!
Anonymous
Good for you! This post has reminded me that it’s time to get my second shot.
Mrs. Jones
The vaccine made me so tired, but better that than shingles.
CapHillAnon
Good for you and thanks for posting! It’s the kick I need to schedule mine.
My new guy is heavy
TW: body issues
I have a fantastic new boyfriend who makes me so happy. I love him and we are talking about meeting families and friends as we get into summer.
In recent months, I have noticed that my family and friends constantly make comments about heavier people. Some of them are European, so it’s wrapped up in comments about the American diet. My entire extended family is slim by American standards.
My boyfriend is overweight and I am feeling reluctant to introduce him to people that I know will be judging his body and habits. Yes he doesn’t eat very well and is working to change it. He was reasonably fit until the pandemic hit. I love him, period.
Should I just not let him meet these people? They are polite enough not to say anything but knowing how they think will be upsetting to me.
Anonymous
Ummmmliterally what? Do you love him or not?
Anon
I think it would be incredibly upsetting not to get to meet my boyfriend’s family and friends if we were serious. You are imputing bad thoughts to them before even giving anyone a chance. I would definitely introduce them.
Anon
+1 – also be careful you aren’t subconsciously absorbing your relatives’ thinking.
Anon
“It is hard to hate someone you break bread with.”
I think I learned this in a different context, and hate isn’t quite the word for what is going on here. But if they met him and got to know him and got to know how much he cares for you and you for him, they might get a bit of the above in their world. Also, how hard would it be in BF’s shoes — possibly feeling that he’s too large to meet your family? That you may be ashamed of him? I would rather deal with a frosty/hostile crowd than a partner who felt like they had to hide me from their family.
Anon
I would introduce him. Live the life you want and don’t let it be tarnished by judgmental people with nothing better to do than snark on people’s body size. I know the vibes you mean – I can’t talk to one aunt with hearing stories about her “good friend Susan, who is unfortunately still very overweight” or “I was in line at the grocery store behind an exceptionally large man” and worse. She cannot. stop. It’s pathological at this point. But I won’t let my life and joy be ruined by it. I will also force a subject change and a “let’s not talk about people’s body size” if it comes up about people I know.
Also, it doesn’t matter how your boyfriend eats or exercises. He is still worthy of respect as a human.
anon
How sad that your aunt is still hung up on the body size of perfect strangers. Or anyone, for that matter.
Anon
Agree that it says more about the aunt than about the people she’s commenting on. We all have people with issues in our families (but without them, we’d have no families at all). I can make some room for people with struggles as long as things aren’t devolving into fights. My aunt is always seen as insulting people and being rude, but she is on the spectrum and is not trying to say the wrong thing but just often shuts down because it is so stressful to her to always be vigilant about saying the wrong thing (or saying it too loud or talking too long about things that are of interest to her). People are complicated. I am far from perfect. Actively being mean is one thing but being a person with struggles is different.
daylight
my MIL does what your aunt does. it’s very odd because it’s not like she is in fantastic shape. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a bit unconscious self-loathing on her part but idk. DH and I both think it’s super weird and just ignore it and refuse to engage at all. OP I promise you as someone who hears these comments about other people, in my head it says way more to me about the person saying the comment than about the subject.
Anon
Some people have constant internal monologues going about other people’s appearances. My mother is like this, with a good chunk of those internal thoughts flying out of her mouth on a regular basis, and it did incredible damage to me and our relationship. It stopped when I turned it around and made some incredibly pointed comments about her own body.
Cat
oh, I may be related to your aunt. On beach vacations she comments things like “she really needs to be wearing a coverup” or “you know, I bought a gift for so-and-so but I cut the tags out because she is in denial that she should be wearing a XL” – it’s awful. I do my best to say things like “I think she looks nice” but it’s a losing and exhausting battle so sometimes I just ignore it in the hopes getting no reaction squelches further commentary.
OP, please bring your bf to meet your family, I agree with those that feel like being hidden away is more embarrassing than any judgment might actually be.
anon
What is wrong with these people? Is it self-loathing? A script they learned growing up that never got questioned or examined? Just plain cruelty? Like why do you care so much about someone else’s size, and don’t tell me it’s because you’re concerned about their health, or whatever. It’s just plain ‘ol judgment.
Cat
in this one’s case I think it’s some form of dysmorphia. She wears clothes like 4 sizes too big.
Anon
OP of that comment here and I think it is severe internalized fatphobia stemming back from childhood.
Anon
My family members also do this, and I don’t understand it (and never have) because by and large, we are not small, tall or attractive people. Going anywhere with my mom’s relatives, in particular, meant being subjected to a near-endless stream of commentary about how fat, ugly or badly dressed other people were. And we were not immune to criticisms ourselves, as you might imagine. My one aunt who managed, through sheer luck, to end up with the desired face/body type that people in my family deem maximally attractive is worshipped, as is her similarly-blessed daughter, despite her daughter having multiple misdemeanor and felony convictions, and three divorces under her belt by age 35.
I would love to understand why people do this, as the body-shaming and judgment about my looks I was subjected to as a child took me years of therapy and emotional self-work to unravel; my brother ended up with such insecurity and self-loathing he developed a drug/alcohol addiction and tried to commit suicide more than once; and as a result I have limited my kid’s contact with my family because I didn’t want him to be subjected to the same harsh comments my brother and I were subjected to. No matter what we did, no matter what we achieved, we weren’t conventionally attractive (tall, thin, shiny hair, clear skin, etc.) so we were treated as third-class citizens. Like we didn’t even exist or matter, compared to the more-beautiful people in the family. While praise and accolades were heaped on people – in our family, or strangers – who were attractive/beautiful even if they’d really done nothing else. It messes with your head, man. It’s not a benign mindset.
Anon
The issues these people have go far beyond self loathing. It’s overly high self regard, combined with laziness and a heap of Mean Girl.
Monday
Aubrey Gordon’s new book identifies this as thin people’s “internalized dominance” rather than self-hatred or internalized fatphobia. That finally made it make sense for me, though it’s even uglier to really get your head around it. Basically, if you’re thin and attractive in our culture, you enjoy privilege over those who aren’t. Fixating on other people’s weight or other appearance “flaws” means cementing your own superiority.
anon
12:45, I am sorry you were subjected to that treatment. That is horrible.
Anon
@ Monday is the book ‘what we don’t walk about’ or another one?
Anon
I see that Anon at 12:45 and I share family members….
Many members of my family who do this are attractive enough, just cruel and dysfunctional people who tend to make a god of anything they do well and dismiss anything they don’t do well. Others will never be mistaken for models and really need to not throw stones in their very thin-walled glass houses.
Anon
My MIL is like this too, constantly commenting on people’s weight and everything they eat, including her own diet (she’s very thin). She always puts in health terms. I pushed back when she blamed her 80+ year old BIL for dying prematurely because he was fat and then she got mad at me for implying that I thought that people like her should just drop dead (she’s in her late 70s). There was really no winning with that one…
Anon
I have relatives like that too. It’s really hard to be around them because I know they’re talking that way about me as soon as my back is turned.
Senior Attorney
Your last sentence shows that this is a “you” problem. I am inclined to say “do your boyfriend a favor and break up with him so he can find somebody who appreciates him as he is and isn’t ashamed of his body.”
Anon
I disagree. Nothing about the OPs post indicates she is ashamed of his body. I too have some very judgmental extended family, who I have cut off, but I understand wanting to protect someone you love from that kind of judgement. Even if they don’t say anything out loud in front of that person, knowing how they are and what they are thinking is hurtful when it’s someone you love.
Anon
What? This is terrible advice. OP knows her family is judgmental and is navigating her feelings about that. A long time ago I was dating a man who was 2″ shorter than me (and I’m not tall). I felt a little weird introducing him to some of my friends, but that said everything about those friends (who I don’t spend time with any more) than about anything else.
Anon
I usually agree with you SA but you’re off the mark here. From what OP is saying, she loves this guy and wants to protect him from her family. Coming from a similar family, I completely understand her sentiment.
Anon
How would this play out over time? You don’t invite these relatives to your wedding because they might judge him? You attend no future family events (or go without you SO) because those relatives will be there?
Assuming you think the relationship will last, it’s just a matter of when you introduce them. I see no reason to wait. And if you are inclined to wait cause he is trying to lose weight, I think you need to reevaluate if you are actually ok with the relationship as is. He may lose weight, he may not, he may loss weight and then gain more back, he may just gain more weight. If your relationship is only ok cause he is going to lose weight, both reevaluate your personal judges and break up with him so he can find someone who accepts all of him
Senior Attorney
Yes, this is what I meant to say, only much better put.
OP girlfriend
How it would play out over time is I would choose him over my judgemental family, you bet. I am already distancing myself from them because they are unpleasant and self-absorbed.
Really disappointed that Senior Attorney in particular thinks I should give up the best guy I’ve ever met because I happen to be related to some crummy people.
Senior Attorney
Hey, as somebody with a lifelong weight problem this post pushed some of my buttons and maybe I’m projecting. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong! Tell your family to jump in a lake and carry on!
Anonymous
Have you ever had people judge you for something superficial before they even got to know you? You’re a woman, so the answer is presumably yes, and if not then please tell me where you live so I can join you in the patriarchy- and misogyny-free utopia. People get unfairly judged for all sorts of things, but that’s unfortunately part of life. It’s one of the reasons that meeting the family or really meeting anyone new is so intimidating; you’re wondering if they’ll like you. You can’t protect your SO from every bad thought that someone in your life might have about him. But you can stick up for him if they are rude to him or say rude things about him in your presence.
Anon
A fluffy question for a Monday! I’m moving to Connecticut soon, and I’ve never lived in New England before. Can anyone equate the CT grocery stores near my house with the grocery stores I’m familiar with?
CT groceries near my new house (closest first): Big Y, Better Val-U/IGA, Price Rite, Price Chopper, Stop & Shop
Stores I know: Safeway, Harris Teeter, Food Lion, Publix
Anon
You’re going to be disappointed with those grocery stores. Aside from Market Basket and the occasional Wegman’s, New England has mediocre regional-chain grocery stores.
nuqotw
I don’t know about comparisons to Safeway / Harris Teeter / Food Lion / Publix. I grew up in Western MA and we had Big Y, Stop & Shop, and Whole Foods. The only one I avoid is Stop & Shop which smells aggressively fresh? I don’t know how to describe it. I like Big Y because it’s a normal grocery store and a regional chain, rather than part of the Bezos empire.
FP
Stop and Shop is like Publix.
Anon
Totally disagree.
Anon
It is in terms of cost, not selection or quality.
Anon
+1, S&S is expensive and crappy
anon
It’s like, but inferior to, Publix. It’s the same as Giant, in case you are familiar with those. It’s a struggling regional chain. Used to like mine but the Market Basket next door gets so much foot traffic. I find the produce at S&S doesn’t turn over and sits for a long time. It’ll be case by case. People really like Big Y.
Anonymous
Big Y is the best of the bunch, maybe close-Ish to a Publix . If you were in southeast CT you’d have Stew Leonards, which is awesome.
Stop and Shop is a higher priced but not higher quality chain. IMO these vary highly store to store (growing up we had the good one and the dirty one!).
Price chopper is a discount store (but not a great one). Idk what a price rite is.
SE CT
You will want to scope out the Big Y and Stop & Shops as your primary grocery stores. Big Y is the not-as-good Harris Teeter, Stop & Shop is the Safeway. The IGA will be a small neighborhood store that may have a great butcher but won’t be where you want to do your primary shopping – they are independently own so vary quite a bit. The Price Rite & Price Choppers will be similar to Food Lions and would not be my first pick of places to shop. There’s no Publix equivalent. If you are near Stew Leonards, be sure to scope it out!
Anon
even Safeway is better than S&S! NE has such crappy grocery stores. Every time I go south I am jealous.
Anon
Any chance you’re near a Costco? In CT with similar options and for meat/produce we’ve found it to be better there than the other chain stores. CT also has quite a few local farms you can buy from depending on what region you’re in!
Moose
First time dealing with plantar fasciitis in my left heel – what’s worked for y’all?
Anon
Steroid shots from the podiatrist. A night splint. Rocker sole shoes. (Like Dansko clogs or sandals)
Anonymous
Superfeet in all shoes, never going barefoot (Birks or Olukai in the house), stretching, heating pad. If you haven’t already, go to a specialty running store to get the right shoes for your feet. Get on it right away and it will go away quicker.
Pep
Wearing a night splint. Doing some quick stretches of the foot/ankle area before exiting the bed in the morning. A summer in Dansko sandals.
Smokey
Physical therapy in order to get the proper stretches and exercises. Always wearing shoes (forever) and also that stretchy sock to wear at night. Good luck!
Josie P
Zero drop shoes, ART (active release technique), and a LOT of calf stretching on the stairs.
Anon 2.0
Standing on a stair with me heel off the edge and lowering my foot down to stretch. Empty pop bottle filled with water and frozen to use as a roller.
Betsy
Calf stretching on the stairs along with ankle raises to strengthen those muscles. Also a muscle scraper for both the foot and the ankle muscles. What’s works is so individual to what is causing your problem, so try a bunch of things until you find the one that works for you!
Chl
Physical therapy to deal with some gait issues, massage, dry needling, rolling with a lacrosse ball, toe yoga, night boot, 5 day course of high dose ibuprofen (prescribed). For me the calf stretching wasn’t so important as strength and toe mobility. Good luck!
Amelia Bedelia
I fine hair and it is SUPER oily these days. I’ve tried all the shampoos to try to avoid washing it every day. but nothing works – does someone have any ideas? I woud love to have next day hair that wasn’t a grease pit . . .
Anon
Use a shampoo with sulfates and wash your hair every day. You’re not the kind of person who has good second day hair and you just have to accept that.
Mrs. Jones
I just have to wash my fine oily hair every day.
Anon
Yep, hair needs washing girl. There’s no shortcut that’s not gross.
Anon
Many people have to wash their hair every day and there’s no way around it. I know stylists love to push the 2-3 shampoos per week agenda but that simply doesn’t work for oily hair.
Why are you trying not to wash it daily? If you hate drying and styling it then figure out faster routine. I wash at night, partially blow dry for a couple minutes, then touch up my dry hair in the morning. If your hair is damaged then use heat protecting spray and turn down the temperature on your hot tools. Frankly I think slightly damaged hair looks better than greasy smelly hair.
anon
When my hair gets like that I will rotate in a scalp scrub/ charcoal shampoo/ ACV rinse or something that is supposed to clarify hair. a little bit of dry shampoo at night can also help (don’t brush it in, just let it absorb). If it’s really changed oilyness, i’d also look at your pillowcases.. how often are you washing those. Did you change any other hair products? Mine gets oilier in summer, so i just do the daily washes.
anon
If you go get it blown-out, does it last more than a day? If so, it could be that you are putting product too close to your roots, or not getting it all the way clean. But, if it is summer, you live in the SEUS, then … congrats, there is no way around washing it every day.
DC Anon
Fine/oily hair here as well. I just wash my hair every day. I think we just have to deal with it with our hair type!
Anon
I’m quitting on Friday and have no motivation whatsoever. Tips to get through the week?
Anon
Admin tasks that help you: use any and all paid time off that might lose, make sure you can access your HSA and 401(k) externally and not thru employee website. Look into rolling over 401(k), make sure you have external or work emails of anyone you want to keep in touch with, and make time to say hi/bye to people you will miss working with. I’m guess your work is mostly wrapped up.
Anon
Forward to yourself anything you think you might need in the future – including work you might be able to use as work samples if needed, with identifying details or proprietary information stripped out. Also contact info for coworkers, especially personal contact info they’ve given you that you maybe haven’t had time to put in your phone. I also like to forward “kudos” emails to myself, or info about internal awards I’ve received – it can help to look at those on bad days in the new job when I’m feeling less-than-competent. You can print emails to PDF and email them to yourself if you think forwarding things might raise red flags.
Judiciously and not all-at-once, send LinkedIn connection requests to people you want to stay in contact with.
Also make sure you have all your passwords for anything you’ve logged into on your work computer so you don’t have to reset website passwords for your health plan, HSA/FSA, etc.
Anonymous
Have you printed your evaluations from your time there? Have you used your fsa money? Have you printed the last pay stub?
Anon
Oh I’d be just documenting everything I need for the future, preparing my automatic reply and responding to emails
Anon
Lean way tf out.
Anon
Last year I attended four weddings (between April 2022 – October 2022; two of these weddings were over a year ago). For three of the weddings I sent a gift from the online Zola registry, delivered to the address provided by the couple and for one wedding I gave a gift to the new house fund on Zola.
I know that couples have a year to send thank you cards, but I have only received a thank you card from one couple (the couple that got married in October, no less). I don’t care about thank you cards, except for the fact that they serve as “proof” that the couple received the gift. I don’t want the couple to think that I didn’t send a gift (nor do I want the approximately $125 I spent on each gift to go to waste). But, I also don’t want the couples to think that I”m angling for a thank you.
I thought buying on Zola and shipping to the couple was the easiest solution, but clearly not. I can’t bring a check in a card to the wedding, because I know I will forget it at home and don’t want that stress.
If these were closer friends, I’d just ask them point blank but two are friends I’m not as close with (was once close, but time / distance has made us less close), the friend I’m closest with already sent her card, and the last friend I am close with but I know he is dealing with some things right now and I don’t want to be a burden. but, I also don’t want to look like a freeloader!!
Senior Attorney
I feel like it’s always okay to inquire as to whether a gift has been received.
Anon
agree it is always ok, but idk about a year later? i also think it is incredibly rude not to send thank you notes and unless the couple involves something like a couple in the midst of a surgery residency, also dealing with a family emergency while moving across the country or there were like 400 people invited, i personally think the one year rule is ridiculous. i felt guilty when my thank you notes took me almost 5 months, and that was only bc 3 weeks after we got married my mom had to have brain surgery, then i had law school finals and the bar exam.
Cat
The couple knows. Online registries keep a list of everyone who gave a gift and what they bought. These couples are just rudely not sending thank-yous.
Anon
Internet stranger point of view: you gave money to a couple to help them buy a house and they can’t muster up a thank you? Not a great look bride and groom.
It’s ok to just reach out and ask if they got the gift. Depending on how they answer you have more info on whether you want to be around them more or less as well.
Anon
I thought the year was to get the gift, not to send the thank you cards.
And yeah, they received the gifts. They just haven’t sent a thank you. I think inquiring would look passive-aggressive, although I feel your frustration (I have not gotten them for at least half the recent weddings we’ve attended and have been very “kids these days” about it even though I’m only in my mid-30s).
Senior Attorney
You’re right — the old rule was you had a year to send the gift, but thank yous were always supposed to be sent immediately. Emily Post still says it should be within three months.
Anon
In general the couple should send a thank you note because it’s polite and confirms that they received the gift. They’re being rude. Zola doesn’t actually ship your gift to the couple though, it just charges your credit card. The couple can later choose to accept the physical gift or receive the dollar value in cash. You may have noticed that you got a confirmation email from the Zola site, not the actual retailer. If you didn’t get an order confirmation email from say Crate and Barrel then it means the couple might be taking the cash instead.
Anon
That’s so tacky to me.
PLB
I agree! *cringes*
Anon
Yeah, I agree that it’s tacky and disingenuous. I didn’t realize how Zola works until my engaged friend told me they’re taking the all the cash and putting it towards their honeymoon. I felt taken advantage of. I was excited to buy them a certain physical object that they’ll use for years and surprise, I’m funding their first class tickets for vacation instead.
anon
That would make me really sad. If you want cash that badly, just say that rather than tricking people into buying off your registry, thinking they’re doing a nice thing and giving you something you want.
DC Anon
I wouldn’t bring it up! They know that you sent the gift (Zola has a thank you tracker on their website saying who gave what), and they are either VERY behind or – especially for the April 2022 married couple – may just not be planning to send thank you cards. It’s annoying, especially when you sent really lovely and generous gifts from the sound of it. But I think you just don’t say anything.
Anonymous
Is eyeliner trending toward a very thin line applied only toward the outside of the eye? I seem to be seeing this a lot lately. How do you get the line to be so thin? I remember Laura mercier used to have a tight lining liner plus activating solution that you would apply with a thin flat brush, but I thought they did away with that like 10 years ago. I haven’t been able to get such a fine line since then. Suggestions?
Anom
Shopping help? Dress code is “summer wedding attire”. I’m 5’1”, late 40’s, and 30E (would prefer to avoid wearing a strapless bra). Midi dress is fine. Budget is up to $300.
Moose
These are fun:
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/hutch-twist-sleeveless-midi-dress?category=wedding-guest-dresses&color=000&type=PETITE&quantity=1
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/nobodys-child-puff-sleeve-v-neck-dress?category=dresses-occasion-cocktail&color=066&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/by-anthropologie-one-shoulder-printed-shift-dress?category=dresses-occasion-cocktail&color=000&type=STANDARD&quantity=1
Moose
A few more:
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/button-detail-satin-tea-dress-multi-moire-bloom/sty-d0663-mul?cat=C1_S2_G4
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/dresses-and-jumpsuits/provence-smocked-waist-midi-dress-in-eyelet/BP844?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=belvedere-red&colorProductCode=BP844
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/dresses-and-jumpsuits/collection-plunge-neck-tiered-dress-in-leafy-floral/BR493?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=rich-olive&colorProductCode=BR493
Anon
Do any of you now work with the kind of people who didn’t contribute to group projects in school? I feel like I’m surrounded by them. Would love to hear your anecdotes to make me feel less alone! I will share my most recent in the comments.
Anon
I was an overachiever in school who did many a group project by myself, but I’m the lazy one in my workplace now. It’s a combination of burnout from years of being an overacheiver and the pandemic, not having work be a priority at this stage of life with little kids and realizing that even working hard was not going to lead to the kind of rewards I deserve because a Big Boss hates me, so why even try? My laziness mostly doesn’t affect others though, I’m in a very individual role without a lot of “group work.”
Runcible Spoon
I left a job where you were basically on your own — nobody covered for anyone, in a situation where coverage was essential, which meant lots of things fell through the cracks if you ever took a day off (let alone went on holiday). I blame leadership — they did not value teamwork, just individualized accomplishments, so there was no upside to helping anyone else out (other than being a good egg). I’m so glad I am no longer in that toxic environment.
Anon
I think we might have worked in the same place!
I also left a role in a team where everyone worked like they were sole proprietors running their own independent internal consultancy, and no one would help anyone else out, or cover for anyone, ever. Either you were there to handle things or if you left – even if you were deathly ill and called out sick – no one would pick up the slack, and a couple of my coworkers would even throw people under the bus for not being there when they were needed for whatever (even if there was a good reason for the absence). Like you, I feel it was our leadership’s fault – while they said they valued teamwork, they showed in performance evals and annual raises/bonuses that what they really rewarded were individual achievements. Sharing accomplishments, backing up other people or even working cooperatively with others were not rewarded, so people didn’t do those things. I love being part of a team and always tried to do my individual best while helping the team achieve great things, but in that environment nothing I valued mattered. So I went to another department (it was a big organization) and there was a night-and-day difference.
MJ
Yes–I joined a new company in January. It’s like working at the DMV. Any time you try to collaborate cross-functionally, people shunt you off to someone else, who also is not helpful. This is a late-stage tech company, and it’s truly astounding to me how uncollaborative people are. I hate it. My boss is quitting in a few months, which means I likely will need to find a new job as well. Not gonna miss this place.
Anon
I always carried the weight on group projects in school. Once, in high school, the parents of another group member actually complained to the teacher that I was being too dominant within the group!
In my career it has been the same. I do not know if I have just had bad luck with lazy coworkers and bosses or if the causality goes the other way. That is, once the coworkers and bosses see my initiative and hard work, do they allow themselves to slack off? Which comes first–their lack of contribution or my over-contribution? I think it then gets into a downward spiral, where the more I do, the less the coworkers do, and then I pick up more of their slack, which gives them permission to slack off even more…
Some people in my life have suggested just not doing the work, or not doing it as well, and letting coworkers feel the pain of a less-than-wonderful outcome. However, I really have not been able to do that as a lawyer, because not doing the work can result in some truly negative consequences for myself and clients.
Anon
Once, in high school, the parents of another group member actually complained to the teacher that I was being too dominant within the group!
I sincerely hope this is feedback you internalized.
Anon
I’m OP. My latest experience is a volunteering experience where I was asked to plan a major event, another person stepped up to be co-chair or the event and then proceeded to do zero. I tried assigning her things, they didn’t get done. She didn’t answer emails except for in the beginning when I sent her an email asking her to write the email announcing the event, and my mistake was including vague bullet points saying here’s what the email should include. She replied “sounds good” as if she had proofread an email I was sending out and then I ended up having to do that too.
Anyway I was over it, the event was weeks ago and went more or less well, but I just heard she got thanked for planning the event at a meeting I was unable to attend, and she accepted the thanks and said “it was a lot of work.”
Omg
Monday
Yes, I’ve had this experience. The classic scenario is that the group all agrees that person X is going to do Y task, and then at every status meeting X is asked if they’ve done Y and says no.
I have also ranted on here before about people who are aware of a project and invited to give feedback over months to a year while it is in progress. They say nothing until it’s done, then suddenly they have lots of issues with the project that they demand we address at the 11th hour.
DC Anon
I work with one of these at my law firm. If the partner on our team asks him to work on something, he’ll say yes to taking it on and then often not do it (and deny that it was ever on his plate). If another associate on the team is coordinating a project and we’re dividing up tasks, he will ignore them and assume that everyone else will handle it OR just ignore all internal deadlines if he does still get roped in. Pretty sure he’ll still make partner though! :)
Anon
For volunteer events, this is why it’s so important to have minutes taken AND distributed. The chair needs to follow up. Ask directly “Why hasn’t X been done? Do we need to assign it to someone else?” I see this so often –there’s no accountability and no one seems to be able to manage follow-up. The chair just sighs and takes on the task herself.
Anon
Actual gardening question: How do I clean soil off of my apartment balcony? I planted some flower pots and got a ton of dirt on my cement balcony. There are other balconies and a patio directly underneath mine so I don’t want to push the soil overboard. If I use a regular broom is it going to release dirt all over my apartment the next time I sweep indoors?
Anon
Use a regular broom and dustpan.
Anon
handheld vaccuum?
Anon
Following because I have the same problem! Soil after planting + leaves that are constantly falling from the trees
anonshmanon
I wouldn’t worry that much about the broom being dirty. You can shake out the broom after use, or even rinse it if you want.
Anon
Dust pan
Anonymous
I have a separate broom for outdoor use.
Anecdata
nah, if the soil’s pretty dry it won’t get stuck in the broom – just tap it on the dustpan a few times when you’re done to check
Anonymous
I have an outdoor broom and dustpan that I only use on my balcony. The broom is short and with strong nylon bristles made for concrete and similar – not something I’d use on my hardwood floors! I crouch and kneel and brush inwards, dry soil only.
When I’m planting I cut open a large paper bag or plastic bag as my work area, and then roll all superfluous soil into the paper and throw away.
Anonymous
Be sure to clean up when the people below you aren’t on their balconies. A certain amount of dirt/water is to be expected, just don’t be obnoxious about it.