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Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Home Buyer
This weekend my husband and I went to a few house viewings and it made me think of the ethics of home ownership. We are forever DINKs looking for small 2 bed 1 bath urban row homes, at the bottom of our budget. The tricky part is we’re often competing with families of 3 or 4 who are maxing out their budgets looking at these places. While we will not change our target home, I still feel a twinge of guilt.
Anonymous
In my city, “under-renters” are regularly castigated. Like if you can afford a 3K a month rental, you should not be in a 2K or 1K a month rental (or buying a Honda when you could have a Tesla). It is loco — thrift was formerly a virtue. I guess not when you are competing for scarce resources?
FWIW, housing is probably only solved by building a lot of cheaper entry-level housing stock in 3 BR formats, but no one wants that (would flood schools with kids, would flood roads with traffic, etc.). But no one wants a 3-hour commute or to cram 2 families into a basement 2BR because there is nothing else out there.
Anon
What city is this? I’m so curious. I have always been an under-renter and just an under buyer — like my goal yearly is to save 25-50% of my net on top of the max 19k in retirement. I’ve done this in NYC and in DC — I’m not aware that people are annoyed at me for taking up their resources, but who knows maybe they are.
Parfait
I have been castigated before for living in a rent-controlled apartment. Never mind the fact that the moment we move out of it, it will no longer be an affordable unit! The rent will be jacked up to market rate as soon as the paint dries.
Anon
My husband and I under rent in our city because I have an illness that has interfered with my career and earning potential and that may lead to significant health expenses in the future or at any time. I also feel more comfortable being able to contribute meaningfully to our living expenses at my current income.
I definitely feel guilty because my neighbors here have a harder time of things than we do. Living here helps us stay out of debt, not stay off the streets.
I also feel guilty because people genuinely don’t want to visit my very small, not so nice space, so I don’t know how to reciprocate social invitations. It is a source of stress.
anon
I’m sorry this causes stress in your life.
From my experience, the best way to reciprocate in situations like this is to invite your friends out for dinner at a restaurant and make it clear you are the host and will be paying.
Living debt free is not something to feel guilty about; you are making the best decisions for you.
Please don’t spend mental energy on this, focus on your health and the things that matter.
Abby
I host friends probably 80% of the time, and it doesn’t ever really bug me that they don’t host things to reciprocate, especially because I really like hosting, so try not to stress! If you bring something to contribute/bring a little extra, offer to help clean up, etc. it really stands out to me and I’m very grateful.
Anon
This– I would far rather you offer to help me host something at my house than go through the stress of hosting at your house if you aren’t able.
Anon
Thank you for the ideas. I’m still adjusting to living this way as a way of life and not as a crisis response (which is more or less how it felt when I was still in the process of being diagnosed and having to switch to part time hours and deciding to downsize). I will be more confident and intentional with these reciprocation strategies from now on.
Belle Boyd
If people don’t want to visit you because they think your house is too small and not nice enough for them, they are not. your. friends.
True friends like you for who you are, not for where you live and how big and fancy your house is.
Anon
You may not see this, but I also think “small” is not a barrier to being “nice”. You can absolutely have a small, stylish apartment or house!
Anonymous
Yes, capitalism will do that to you.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s that simple. Builders would love to build more and more places, but often can’t due to NIMBYs, zoning, permits, etc., ironically where the need is the highest. Counties don’t want a lot of poor or poorer or not-rich families moving in b/c new tax revenue often won’t cover increased social costs (largely schools). Most cities are open to building some high-end small places not catering to families.
Anonymous
Yes. This is all capitalism.
I’m just saying fundamentally none of this is morally right or fair but it’s the world we live in.
Anon
No, that’s not all capitalism. You think “capitalism” is a word that means “a system that produces results that I don’t like,” but that’s not the case.
Alanna of Trebond
I find anti-capitalist sentiments really perplexing. Capitalism works. You can modified capitalism with some social safety nets, but what keeps everything going is still capitalism.
anon
Capitalism is fine. Underregulated capitalism is causing the social issues that many of us are frustrated with.
Anonymous
Well, I’m a socialist so I disagree with you on that. Shrug. There are other systems.
Anonymous
@ anon 11:24 the wifi is working for you in cuba/venezuela!
Anon
Not anon at 11:24, but neither Cuba or Venezula is a socialist country. It’s more like Norway or Sweden.
ha no
Neither Norway nor Sweden are true socialist countries either. They built substantial and effective social safety nets off the back of an existing capitalist system.
Future Dink Life.
Don’t feel guilty. Remember that your tax dollars as DINKs pay for public schools and other services to support your broader community, including the children of those families. I bought a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath rowhow in the city solo, I’m unmarried. I rent one room out to a girlfriend and we both participate fully in the community. It takes all kinds.
Anon
No matter what you buy, you’re always going to be “competing” with people of lesser means. If you rent, you’re going to be renting a unit that people of lesser means could rent. The same is true of people with bigger families.
It is a responsible decision to buy less house than you can afford. That is not a knock on people stretching their budgets to get the bare minimum so they can own; just pointing out that you are making a responsible decision, and that it is far from unethical.
Anon
Ha! I feel the opposing guilt. We have a 4 bedroom and we don’t have kids. The housing market is tight here and I feel guilty taking up such a big house for two people.
Mpls
In my neck of the woods, starter homes have the most competition – people trying to get into their first home, people downsizing after the kids have gone off to college, flippers looking for a quick turnaround/buck. And that’s the market that is having the least number of new homes built. It’s kind of crazy.
Anon
This. When we bought our house, we were looking for a 3 bedroom– enough rooms that we would still have a guest bedroom once we had kids since both sets of parents live out of town. (The style of house that exists in my area has a great room + 3 bedrooms.) We were also competing with older couples downsizing and moving in from the suburbs, forever DINK couples, and couples with one child in a private school. It is a very versatile style of house.
Ribena
Same here – one and two bed flats around the £200k mark are the most competitive real estate in the city. It doesn’t help that they’re prime AirBnB investments.
Anon
FWIW, I prefer smaller spaces. When I was living in an extremely LCOL mid sized city, I filled up my one bedroom, 850 sq. ft. apartment with a lot of stuff I didn’t need, like dining table with a leaf in case I ever had to seat 10 people and a desk I never used because I am not a person who can work from home. I had way too many clothes and shoes, and I began filling the space with things I really didn’t enjoy/like just because I could (or worse, clutter). Sure, make sure you have enough closet space and are comfortable, but I truly believe people need less space than they think they do. On that note, I’d rather pay more money for say, a newer build that’s only one bedroom/smaller square footage but has ample/modern storage space versus getting an older place with more rooms (like a designated living/dining/small kitchen/pre war type place).
Julia
Why is it more “right” for them to max out their budget than it is for you to be frugal? Perhaps that 3-4 person family should be looking elsewhere, not you.
Anonymous
Wow
Julia
?
Anonymous
The sheer privilege of assuming they have other options.
Anon
Buying a home is what’s a privilege. That goes for the OP and the families that are also looking to buy. This is not an equity issue in this specific scenario.
anon
+1
anon
I’m liberal as the day is long but I also don’t understand why this is an ethical issue. If we want to talk about what’s good for society, a couple without children living frugally are both (i) minimizing their carbon footprint (because like it or not, having kids is probably the most significantly negative decision you can make for the environment – I have kids, before everyone starts screaming, but I recognize the impacts of that) and (ii) reducing the likelihood that they will be financially dependent on government assistance in their old age, meaning that more money will be available for other social services.
Anonome
+2
Anon
Maybe cheaper housing isn’t available.
Julia
I mean, it is. It just depends how you define “available.” Likely this family prefers to live in a safe neighborhood, perhaps with good schools, in reasonable proximity to work. Totally fair. But OP prefers to spend less money on housing and divert more money to savings or other priorities. Again, why is the larger family’s preference about where they live more important than OP’s?
potato
I would love it if more forever-DINKs would move into my suburb with good schools. Property taxes are out of control because people move into a small house with 5 kids. It’s great for our community’s finances when people move in, pay taxes, and don’t have kids in school.
Anonymous
Hello, Arlington VA. Very different housing and tax revenue and school spend needs compared to Prince William County.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why this is an ethics issue. You’re not stealing some necessity from a needy family. If they’re wealthy enough to buy a house then they’re doing fine. They don’t need your pity.
No one “needs” to buy a house. Home ownership is a luxury. Look if you scam your way into section 8 housing thus displacing a truly needy person, then that’s an ethics issue. But buying slightly less house than you can absolutely afford? No you’re not taking anything from anyone.
Anon
+1. This is absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Home ownership is not a right.
Belle Boyd's in the mood to b!tch today...
+2 Anyone even remember how the whole housing crisis got started? People were getting approved for homes they could just barely afford and buying the damn things rather than buying homes they could comfortably afford (or, being told they couldn’t be approved in the first place.) Buying at the lower end of your budget is not an ethics issue. It’s being fiscally prudent with your finances. Buying a house at the very tippy-top of the scale of what you’re approved for is the stupidest thing you can do IMO. What happens if you (or your spouse, if you’re a two-income family) lose your job or get diagnosed with a serious illness and can’t work. Even something like a car accident that keeps you out of work for several weeks or a new baby can wreak enough havoc on your finances that meeting that mortgage payment can become a serious burden.
I don’t get this whole “feeling guilty” thing about being careful about how you spend your own money. Your finances are YOUR business and nobody else’s. If they get their panties in a wad because you’re not buying in the most expensive part of town and driving the fanciest set of wheels, well, it’s their a$$ that’s uncomfortable, not yours.
Anon
Last weeks post about planners was great, but I need some recommendations for daily/monthly planners that have 7 days a week (not Saturday and Sunday thrown on one page). Any that you ladies like?
Julia
Not me, but my husband LOVES his Focus planner — every day including Saturday/Sunday gets an equal page.
anon
I’m into my passion planner! There’s free pdf downloads so you can try the format first.
In-House in Houston
I love my Moleskine Weekly Notebook Diary/Planner. It has Monday-Sunday on the left, but the right side is just a lined page so that you can write notes on it. I like that it’s slim and doesn’t take up a bunch of room, but still large enough for me to write on. It also has nice pocket in the back and has a ribbon to mark your spot.
Anon
Check out May Designs. They have a couple different layouts. I use their Weekly Agenda + Graph that has the week including full size Sat and Sun on one side and a graph grid on the other for notes/todos/etc.
Anon
OP here – thanks for these!
christineispink
For the past few years I’ve been using the MIDORI Traveler’s Notebook (refill 019) for the weekly format. I also like that it is Mon-Sun. so the Fri/Sat/Sun are all on one page so I can see weekend travel on one page instead of flipping from Fri/Sat on one page and Sun on the next. I like that you can mix and match and I order a monthly (refill 0017) and just lined pages (refill 001) and keep all 3 in a leatherbound cover.
Miss
Planner pad (at least the one I have) has equal space for each day of the week and you can see the entire week on two pages. That was a must for me because (like many adults) I’m still very busy on the weekend. I don’t always have two days of unstructured time.
Anonymous
Start planner!!!
Adding 4-legged family members
We are moving into a house with a fenced yard soon and will have sidewalks on our streets. Our 10/11 year olds have long wanted a dog. Spouse wants a dog. We are busy people who are gone most of the day (I failed the dog adoption requirements as a single person b/c of that). I have read that dogs can get really lonely and sometimes anxious if alone and that they are pack animals. Might it be good to be open to a dog + perhaps another dog or a cat so that they aren’t truly alone all day? Some pets are surrendered together and might prefer to be adopted together. Am I over-thinking it? [My side of the family is largely rural, so there are pets, some indoor, some outdoor, and always a hunting dog or two; I grew up renting in the city so never had a pet personally before. Spouse just wants a giant large-breed dog, but if you get those by buying puppies, I think I’d prefer not to get a puppy but to adopt an older dog locally.]
Anonymous
I think you’d be really happy adopting an older dog who is used to being home alone.
Anonymous
This. We recently adopted a 6-year-old rescue dog. She is perfectly content to sleep all day while our 12-year-old is at school, wake up for playtime and walks in the afternoon and evening, and then sleep all night.
I strongly advise adopting from a rescue group that keeps the dogs in foster homes and attempts to match dogs to families based on personality and activity level.
cat socks
I think you can start by reaching out to a rescue or going to a shelter and talking about your family situation. There may be dogs or certain breeds that would be a good fit for your situation. There is also an option to hire a dog walker during the day. I have some friends who take their dog to day care during the day and he loves it, but I’m sure that can be expensive.
Also, I’m a cat person but I have heard that adopting a puppy can be very time consuming. If you are busy, then definitely go for an older dog.
anon
Mixing daycare once or twice a week and dog walkers for the other weekdays is a common strategy as well. Especially with younger dogs who need more exercise than older ones, and for families with very long days.
Anon
We rescued a 1.5 year old lab mix a few years ago as DINKs in a suburban single family house with a fenced yard. We are both 40-60 hour/week job people. She came crate trained and potty trained – I could not have done a puppy with our schedules.
We have a combination of dog walker and doggie day care to take care of our girl while we’re out of the home. At the time we got her 5 years ago DH worked from home Tues and Thurs, which was hugely helpful in transitioning her to us. He ended up switching jobs around the time we had her for 6 months so we increased her days at day care. DH also lives within driving distance of home during lunch hour so if she’s been sick (kennel cough, for example) and needs some extra love on occasion he can go home and see her for 20-30 mins. That’s been majorly helpful, too.
Some will probably tell you you can’t do it if you’re both out of the house, but, like with most things, with $$ and a routine you definitely can. Bonus points if kids get home from school mid afternoon and can take her out and on walks. Same for early mornings if school starts a little later. The one obvious caveat is that every dog is different. Mine does not get anxious alone, though some absolutely do. That’s the part that’s really hard to anticipate but just make sure you have appropriate supports (dog walker, day care) so you can adapt as needed. Maybe you’d be best off getting a 4-5 year old dog who is in need of rehoming.
Anon
Consider a greyhound rescue. They’re chill (except when they see prey so be careful on leash) and they love to laze around all day. Frugalwoods blog had some good posts about their (sadly deceased) greyhound and how it worked with their lifestyle.
rosie
+1. I don’t know if they are “giant” enough for your spouse, but they’re great dogs, you tend to get them as adults or young adults, and they are often crate-trained and very mellow. I think any dog may end up with separation anxiety or other issues that require some attention and training, but greyhounds really seem to be relatively low maintenance.
Telco Lady JD
+2
We’ve now got two retired racers, but when I was single I had one and she was completely fine being home alone all day. They’re generally super chill….they’ll run like a bat out of hell around your fenced in yard for about two minutes and then sleep for 18 hours to recover. :-)
My recommendation would be to look for one that is 4 or 5 and has raced for a while versus one that is young and only raced a handful of times. The difference between a 5 year old greyhound and a two year old greyhound is immense – a two year old greyhound is basically an 80-pound, very strong puppy. (Or at least our boy was.) When I adopted my five year old girl, she was calm and quiet and ready for a life of leisure!
Walnut
I’ve adopted adult Great Danes and they’re fabulous pets with low energy. According my various cameras, mine spends most of his day moving from sun spot to sun spot and monitoring the neighborhood from a his window bench.
Anonymous
this sounds nice!
trefoil
+1 – we adopted a Great Dane as a puppy and he’s basically like having a roommate who spends all day napping on the couch.
dog lover
My dog spends her days monitoring the elementary school across the street. Apparently he’s kindergarten-famous because I was describing where I live to a parent and she said ‘oh, the house with the big black dog!’.
trefoil
That’s so funny – mine goes out at 2:50 for half an hour to watch dismissal at the elementary school across the alley!
Anonymous
Where are your kids after school? If they come home, then a dog being home alone 8-3 is fine and normal. If they do before/aftercare and the house is empty 7-7 or something, I’d perhaps wait a few years until the kids come home after school and can let the dog out.
Julia
Yea, this is why we do doggy daycare a few days a week. It’s yet another thing you have to outsource as a family where all adults work full-time — taking proper care of your dog during the day. Just look at it like daycare for the kids or a cleaning service or another thing you pay someone else to do because you’re not able to do it because you’re working.
Anon
It doesn’t sound like you want a dog, so maybe spouse and kids should be researching and figuring out the best way to handle this responsibility.
Anonymous
Three things to know about giant-breed dogs, for your spouse’s info in case he is going into this without researching:
– They are wonderful but they are hell on houses and furniture because no matter how big they get, they still act like small dogs, especially when they’re young. Untrained giant breeds can actually pose a danger to small children and fragile older adults, because they will do things like try to crawl in someone’s lap or jump on someone’s chest, and when the dog is 6′ tall from nose to tail on its hind legs and weighs 150 lbs or more, that gets hazardous quickly.
– Most giant breeds have a shockingly short lifespan. 7-9 years is considered average lifespan for Great Danes, Great Pyrenees, etc. With good care, they can make it longer but it is not common to see a 14-year-old Dane. Many people aren’t prepared for this when they buy or adopt a giant-breed dog and it is heartbreaking when a dog you get attached to dies that young.
– Purebred giant breeds can be prone to a wide array of extremely expensive health problems. Pet insurance is a must and even that won’t cover everything; be prepared for the vet bills.
Anon
+1 to all this. To add to second point above, the most heartbreaking thing is that the dog’s mind is usually sound, they can still see, hear, understand you but are too sick to function (most common are orthopedic issues but cancer of all sorts is extremely prevalent). Even if you go the surgical route which may give you an extra year or two, large/giants breeds are very hard to care for post surgery (imagine using a double harness to walk a post surgical 150 lb dog outside by yourself) and tend to recover much slower. Anaestesia is also much riskier with certain large breeds (great danes specifically come to mind but there are others). Because of the last two points, and the fact that surgery for large dogs is much more expensive, most owners choose not to do surgery. To sum up between Anonymous’s points, these dogs take years to learn to be a functioning part of your family and as soon as you have a good stable thing going, they develop devastating health issues.
Dealtwiththis
I thought I would throw in my two cents since I own large (and giant!) breed dogs. We rescued a great dane as a puppy and he was definitely lonely during the day. We rescued a 1.5 year old german shepherd dog and they have been the best of buds. All previous anxiety that the great dane had went away and we are able to leave them both out and about in the house during the day with no issues. Previously, with one dog, a once per week doggy day care was a big help.
Dealtwiththis
Forgot to mention that I second the suggestion to follow the breed-specific rescues in your area. I found the german shepherd through our local great dane rescue group of all places but it has worked out! Those groups will have vetted the dog and can tell you if they are low energy, good with kids or other dogs, etc. Knowing those things ahead of time can make all the difference in finding the right individual dogs for your family!
In-House in Houston
Hi Ladies, does anyone know of a service that’ll give me ideas how to use my points? I have about 350,000 in AmEx points and about 320,000 points on United and I want to figure out how best to use them for travel. I’m sure there’s a service or app that’ll give me ideas/options. TIA!!
BabyAssociate
Go look on The Points Guy, tons of good resources!
kk
Juicy Miles is a company that does exacly this- they’ll help you plan iteneraries that max out your points.
Anonymous
I’m very interested in this service – have you used it before? What does it cost (approximately) to book a trip for two people? I do not see pricing on their site.
kk
It’s on their homepage- scroll down!
I have used it to book a mileage run- they found a route for me that maximized the MQM’s I would earn for the least amount of time and dollars spent traveling. I havent used it to use points yet. I didnt have a lot of time to spend reading one mile at a time and the points guy, and was thrilled to have someone else do the legwork for me.
Anonymous
Hmmm I’m still having troubkle. I literally see “Pricing” and then a pinkish trapezoid type design… no actual prices or other text in this area of the webpage. I’ll keep refreshing to see if something turns up.
Anony
It loaded for me via Chrome – $9.99 for a 5-day unlimited auto-search pass, $29.99/month for membership + unlimited auto search, $200/passenger for one-on-one full service booking ($150 w/ membership), $200/passenger for mileage run ($150 w/ membership)…
This is really interesting. Definitely going to bookmark this because I agree, One Mile at a Time & TPG are super overwhelming. I’m on tap to make Delta Platinum by year end, have Omni Black Select and Hilton Gold…. I’d pay someone $200 to maximize points/free nights/etc for me.
mnfriend
I also like looking at The Thrifty Traveler, they have a pretty good Facebook group that gives you ideas!
C2
Also MN and I love Thrifty Traveler, they’re based here!
Anonymous
My firm of 50 lawyers (approx. 75 staff) has had a dozen people resign since January. Four lawyers and eight staff. Now I’m hearing that another three staff and three lawyers are likely departing in December. I’ve only practiced here two years and my practice group is pretty isolated from the rest of the firm, but I’m slated to make partner in two years and am really starting to wonder what is wrong. I’ve heard about the upcoming departures from a partner who is one of the people planning to leave. No one is openly talking about leaving, and no one has left to join the same/ new firm. The managing partner brushes off every departure as “they’ll regret leaving.” Is this type of turnover normal?
Anonymous
I can’t tell you if it’s normal. But even after only two years, you have an idea of what the culture/morale of your firm is like. What is your best guess at what’s going on?
Anon
It’s impossible to answer whether that level of turnover is normal without more details. It could just be an off year. If they consistently have that level of departures, that would be a bad sign to me if I’m looking for a firm to spend the next 20+ years at. But, in thinking about it, I would separate the attorney departures from the staff departures because they are likely caused by different things.
For the attorneys, where did the departing attorneys go, what level were they, and what practice group? 7 attorneys out of 50 leaving in a year seems high, but maybe it is just an off year. I would be less concerned if they were younger attorneys who were leaving for different types of jobs (in-house, gov’t, small firm, very larger firm). I would be more concerned if they are partners leaving. If it was seven partners leaving, then I would be worried about the future of the firm. When you were talking with the partner, why did he say that he was leaving? Also, I would be concerned if the departures are all in the same practice group, especially if that is a practice group either support or need to support your work.
For the staff, I would again consider why they are leaving. With 6 staff members leaving in a year, two ideas come to mind. First, are the staff underpaid for the market such that they are leaving for similar but better paid positions? That doesn’t save anything great about how your firm views and treats staff, but also isn’t a sign that the firm is about to go under. Second, were they staff members who were hired right out of school and are leaving for different types of positions? This would actually concern me more, because it is a sign that your firm doesn’t value or understand the importance of trained staff (but underpaying them says that too) and just want’s to get the cheapest labor regardless of skill. but a lot of law firms undervalue staff and continue to survive and be decent places to be an attorney.
anon
Are people from the same departments leaving or is it people here and there from different departments? That turnover does seem pretty high. There is a rainmaker partner at my firm who is notoriously difficult to work with but makes the firm so much money that nothing will ever be done, despite this person driving off multiple other attorneys and staff. May be a situation like that? Or maybe people are jumping ship because they want to get somewhere else prior to any kind of impending recession?
I used to work in another traditionally higher turnover industry, and big waves of people would quit at a time. You think you’re happy with your job but then you see another person leave and it makes you think about looking around. Especially if compensation is on the lower end, which it frequently is for people who stay in one place and work their way up. Sometimes you’ve got to quit and go elsewhere to get a decent raise. The law firm where I work does max 3% COLAs for staff. One year it was 1%. This is probably less of an issue for the attorneys, but is likely a problem for the staff.
Are you close enough with any of the people who left to ask them why they left?
Anon
I would be interested in knowing the seniority of the attorneys. I have heard of several firms where basically one attorney is getting to be partner or equity partner and then is really upset with the buy-in, etc. then leaves. They then complain about it to others who aren’t quite at that level yet, who also leave.
Are the staff following their attorneys?
Anon
My firm (85 attorneys) loses admins in waves. We’ll have a spate of 5 or so, often mid-20s ones moving home after living in the city or going to law school. We also pay our admins squat, so there’s that. I know we lost 4 attorneys in 2018 – one because her husband was relocated, two to go in-house, one let go for conduct – and those are just the ones I can remember. But departures are never met with “they’ll regret it” so much as “we’ll miss them; they’ve been a great part of the team” (except the one let go for conduct…).
OP
All the lawyers are young – under 40. Some partners, some associates. Totally different practice areas, most no longer in private practice. The staff are in different practice areas, but the general grumblings seem to be one floor of our firm must have a lot more yelling, and the firm apparently doesn’t have a ‘team’ approach to cases. Some have worked here 15+ years and are finding other employment. It seems like something changed, but I don’t know what. My practice area is small, but as I think about it, the firm doesn’t really have social events for lawyers / there isn’t much talking or sharing ideas outside of a holiday party.
ceej
I would be cautious and concerned, and I would investigate. The attitude of management is not good. People leaving is expensive, and so a firm should have a good idea of why. They may feel it is “worth it” (this person is leaving because they aren’t a good fit, this one because of a personal issue, our business model relies on many associates, most of whom will leave after 3-6 years, etc.)
How to investigate: Discretely. I would try to have an out of office coffee or lunch with the partner leaving who informed you. What is happening in partner meetings? What is the deal with partner compensation? What has their experience been? Not trying to get them to bash anyone, just evaluating. Are the other partners (especially outside your practice group) people you want to have your income and future career tied up with? You need to find that out.
Is there someone (especially a woman assuming you are a woman) partner who you believe is staying you have a good relationship with? Again, valuable if outside your practice group. Could you have lunch or coffee with that person to try to ask the same questions about what they think is going on and how they feel about the future of the firm?
Are there people who you can ID who left 1-2 years ago in your practice group or others who you could talk to? What about people at other firms?
I worked at a firm with a bad turnover reputation for 6 years. At first they said “everything has changed”, “we aren’t like that anymore”! And I believed it, but it wasn’t true. The managing partner’s attitude was the problem, and things kept happening. I eventually left because as I advanced, I realized that I didn’t want to be a partner to the managing partner, or the other people who were so loyal to him. I thought my practice group leader could “protect” me, but I realized that wasn’t likely, as he had to go along with the managing partner to stay for his own benefit. You should evaluate that carefully before you waste 2 years to make partner at a place you want to leave ASAP.
Fossil Smartwatch
Can anyone with a Fossil smartwatch speak to how smoothly it functions with the iPhone? Being able to send/receive texts is the key functionality I’m looking for.
Anon
My local well-respected veterinary clinic just added an animal dentist to staff. At my 10 year old cat’s annual visit they recommended a dental consult due to tartar and gingivitis on his back teeth. Coincidence? Given they’ve never recommended this before they had a dentist?
I took him to the dental consult and the dentist, who seems very nice, is recommending anaesthesia, x rays, then either a cleaning or extraction, and a bunch of other charges. The estimate comes in around $1500. I was really shocked.
My cat does not seem sick or in pain, he is certainly not malnourished, and honestly the worst part for him is being put in the cat carrier to visit the veterinary office.
My inclination is to get a second opinion but if I find another animal dentist to take him to I suspect they’re all going to want to treat him – along the lines of, when your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
I don’t know how to figure out how much of this is marketing vs medical/dental need. $1500 is a lot of money to us right now.
What would you do?
Anon
My vet is not an animal dentist and does teeth cleanings in her office for a fraction of that price. She recommended it for my new-to-me 9 year old rescue cat. They do have to do anesthesia, and I always like them to do the recommended blood work prior to anesthesia. That’s actually how they found my other cat’s kidney disease when it was still in the early stages. I do think teeth cleaning helps the cat’s overall health, but $1500 seems really steep to me. Are they sure extractions are necessary? Could they maybe be estimating high based on worst case scenario?
Anonymous
I’d tell them “I’ll think about it.” And then proceed not to think about it.
cat socks
Cat dental work can be very expensive, but sometimes worth it. I waited too long with one of my kitties and she had severe gingivitis, tartar and needed several teeth pulled. Sadly one of her teeth fell out on it’s own before I got her in for surgery. I think it’s worth getting another estimate. If it is just a cleaning, that will be cheaper than getting extractions. At 10 years old, I think it is good preventive maintenance if you can afford it. But at the same time, if he is eating normally and otherwise healthy it’s probably something that is not required now.
Anonymous
Regular dental cleanings are somewhat common for dogs, at least with the vets I’ve used. And yes, they are pricey. That being said, are there steps you can take on your own to improve dental health? Brushing the cat’s teeth, additives to water, using some hard kibble. Obviously cats don’t use chew toys. One of my dogs needed cleanings every few years, the other didn’t get a recommendation for one until she was 9-10. (Same vet).
Anon
As to your third paragraph, cats hide pain very well.
But this is ridiculous. Find a new vet. If you’re worried, learn to clean your cat’s teeth.
Anonymous
That sounds crazy pants. I’d maybe pay for the cleaning, but otherwise I’d say “no, thanks”.
OP
Thanks. The cleaning and extractions are almost the same price. Both are under anaesthesia. Like, $1450 for cleaning, $1600 total for extractions, depending on what they find with the x rays.
I do live in a HCOL (or VHCOL – Bay Area) if that matters in everyone’s opinions.
Anonymous
Honestly, I couldn’t afford to have clean teeth at that price. Maybe your cat can’t either.
anon
Well, it’s not inhumane to clean your teeth w/out anesthesia, so there’s that.
Anonymous
I would just say “I don’t have that kind of money. What else do you suggest.” But my vet thinks I’m a monster for not getting my kitty love regular Eccocardiograms.
Anon
Call up the local pet store and see what they charge to brush your cat’s teeth.
Anonymous
I go to an inexpensive vet in my HCOL city and the cleaning with no extractions, but there is blood work, x-rays, anesthesia, pain meds, comes in at about 700. When I was interviewing vets, yes I am that caring cat lady, I was confused why his fees were less than others and he said he wanted to make sure all animals could have access to care.
I did a full cleaning when we first got the cat as an adult and he had a couple of extractions–non-meat dry food wreaks havoc on the teeth. I don’t do it every year as recommended, I think being put under is a lot for his little body.
I would research vets in your area to see what the cleaning fee is, you might be able to find someone less expensive with service that’s also good. Either way, unless you’d be really in a hole, it’s something important to do for the health of the cat. Cats are known to hide pain very well so they only stop eating when they are really really down and out. Especially at 10.
Anon
Dental care and the scope of services sounds completely reasonable and you should have it done, just probably not at this clinic. You don’t need a specialist for general dentistry, which this is. In fact, in many states, a certified veterinary technician can perform the entire procedure (including extractions) once the vet reviews the x-rays and determines what, if any, extractions are necessary. This is actually a good time to schedule a cleaning, since November is Pet Dental Health month and many clinics offer discounts on the group of services you’re looking at.
Cleanings should be done under anesthesia, as anything you can do awake (a cursory scrape) is cosmetic only and will leave scratches on the enamel that encourage more tarter accumulation. The bulk of the price of this procedure is going to be in the bloodwork, x-rays and anesthesia.
tl;dr – You should do this for your cat, but not at this clinic.
editor
I asked the vet to clean my cat’s teeth a few years ago when she was going under anyway for exploratory surgery. I am SO glad I did—she had two types of tooth ailments and required some extractions. One of the ailments was resorption, which (I just now read) affects up to three-fourths of all cats over 5. Until then, we had just thought she was a messy eater (food was slopped around bowl)—no, she was in pain the entire time. I felt so so guilty. Still, I don’t brush her teeth–have never managed to do that with any cat.
I do agree that these prices seem excessive, so I would shop around. But I would definitely have the teeth cleaned. I’m sorry for you and your kitty!
Anon
To add another data point, I had dental procedures of a similar scope done on my cat this year for $350. SEUS city.
Panda Bear
Maybe “coincidence”, or maybe your cat’s teeth really have declined quite a bit given that he’s getting older. Or maybe they genuinely wouldn’t have been able to offer the service before? At any rate, I pay about $800 to have my kitty’s teeth cleaned; more like $1200 when he needs extractions. I don’t think they have a dental specialist on staff, but don’t actually know. So I agree with others here that perhaps you can find a better rate, but it isn’t cheap wherever you go, and it is important for me to have done at least once in a while, especially since my guy is FIV+ so I need to do everything I can to keep his immune system strong.
Anonome
I’d get a second opinion, that cost is very high IMO. Have they specifically mentioned an issue, like stomatitis or resorption? Or is this just a standard “mileage” recommendation?
For cost-effective options, are there teaching veterinary hospitals in your area?
If you do end up needing to do it, see if there’s anything else that needs doing in your cat’s near future so you can knock it all out under one anesthesia. It’s hard on their little bodies.
Anonymous
I’ve had several cats live till old age and I’m not surprised at needing dental work at 10. Ours has always been done though when under anaesthesia for something else and it was added on. I would phone another vet office and ask for an estimated cost for the same and see what they say. While she might not seem in pain, if you think about toothache you might have had yourself it can be painful at varying stages before you get treatment.
Anonymous
I would not subject an animal (or myself, for that matter) to general anesthesia unless it’s truly medically necessary. The risk just isn’t worth it, imho.
That said, my 15 year old cat has to be put under every ~4-6 months for a recurring medical problem. I get nervous every time, but unfortunately there’s no other way to address his issue. I got his teeth cleaned about a year ago during one of his appointments. Maybe you can have the dental cleaning done the next time he needs anesthesia for something else.
Anonymous
This is timely, as we just started going to a new vet who said our 6-year-old dogs will be in need of a dental cleaning in about another year or two. I asked for an estimate on the cleaning and it was $700 per dog, so the $1500 for the cat sounds high to me also.
I have a cousin who is a veterinarian and ran this by him. He told me that:
– Dental care for animals is important. Also, dental care for animals is a large money-maker for a lot of veterinary practices as it’s a non-emergency service that must be paid for in cash (and is rarely reimbursed by pet insurance plans). He recommended getting estimates from several vets as prices can vary widely.
– It’s very hard to know, as an owner, that a dog or cat is having tooth or gum problems. However, a look-see examination at the pet’s regular appointment should reveal any areas of immediate concern. If the vet sees/feels loose teeth, inflamed or bleeding gums, missing teeth, etc. the dental appointment is an immediate concern. If not, and they just point out plaque or tartar, it’s a lot cheaper to start brushing the pet’s teeth as often as you can (he said even 1 or 2 times a week can make a difference) and see what happens.
– For dogs, quality dental chews given consistently (i.e. every day) do make a difference in long-term dental health. But he has yet to see a dog that doesn’t need a deep cleaning by the time they’re 10. Just like with people, inflamed gums in dogs carry bacteria that can go into the heart or otherwise shorten the pet’s lifespan.
We’re going to start putting money away for the cleanings – $1400 is a lot for us also, but we have a little time to save up for it. Plus, I am going to price-shop, no differently than I would if I were the one getting an expensive out-of-pocket medical procedure. You can’t afford what you can’t afford, so if there is not an immediate problem, I would take the advice to tell the vet “I’ll think about it” or just flat-out say, I can’t afford this right now. I would also call around to see what other vets are charging for dental cleanings. My mom takes her dog to a vet who does them for $300 because, as someone else said about their vet, he wants dogs to get their teeth cleaned more than he wants to make money from the procedure. There may be someone like that in your area.
Anonymous
For my cats, I consider anesthesia too great a risk unless there’s a pressing dental issue. But I don’t know if gingivitis counts or whether there are alternative interventions.
So far, I have only had my cat’s teeth cleaned when under anesthesia for something else. That means only one of my two cats has had his teeth cleaned. They are same-age full siblings, so I guess I’m curious if they’ll even have different dental outcomes as a result. They are in their teens, and so far the vet hasn’t said that they need dental work, though they definitely have some tartar buildup.
Anon
Not sure about the cost, but I had to do it for one of mine and it was expensive. His got bad enough where I could tell he was in pain of some sort.
I wish I had done it sooner. They do hide pain very well, and he ended up having 5 extractions.
I was most worried about the anesthesia.
Cookie Exchange
I’m thinking about hosting a holiday cookie exchange for friends. If you got invited to such a party from 1-4pm on a Saturday or Sunday, would you expect other food to be served? What if the party was from 7-10pm?
The original Scarlett
Yes to both, I’d find it odd to go to a party and just be expected to eat cookies and I’d plan to host with something to eat that’s not cookies. Typically people just take those home, no?
Anonymous
I have hosted and attended both and always serve other food, especially from 7-10. I don’t do a full formal dinner but a meat platter, a cheese platter, and a selection of savory nibbles.
Anonymous
Yes, I’d expect some other food served at either. A lot of people only each lunch at 1pm or only eat dinner at 7pm. I’d expect the cookies people bring to “exchange” to be packaged up and taken home, rather than be the food at the party. Maybe call it a potluck and schedule it from 2-4 so that tea/coffee and cookies makes sense as the food?
Anonymous
Calling it a potluck from 2-4 makes no sense at all. What would people bring? They’re already being asked to bake cookies!
From 2-4 I’d still do some savory nibbles but not a ton ton of food.
Anonymous
I meant a cookie potluck where people bring the cookies to be consumed during the party.
Worry About Yourself
I’ve never hosted a cookie exchange, but whenever I go to a party I need to at least occasionally snack on something not-sweet, like potato chips or cheese + crackers.
pugsnbourbon
I think a cheese plate plus veggie crudites would be sufficient for an afternoon cookie exchange.
OP
I expect wine and lots of it, and then some finger food that is not cookies. But maybe that’s just my friend group. :)
Anon
Oops not OP of this post.
Cat
A cookie exchange – is mostly about the cookies being traded around and taken home, right? I’d do 2-4 or 3-5 if you want to serve minimal other refreshments; 1pm is lunch or brunch time and 7pm is dinner time, so I would be surprised to show up and not find something savory to eat as a meal.
NYCer
+1. And even if you do 2-4 or 3-5, I would at least put out a few snacks other than cookies (veggie tray, cheese and crackers, a few dips, etc.).
Anonymous
Yes. The point is to exchange and take home cookies, not eat them there.
Depending on the time of day, I’d expect some kind of food/snacks and drinks. Usually I’ve seen them 7-9, wine and apps and you leave with a mix of cookies. If it were afternoon 1-4, I’d do more sparkling spritzers or something and some kind of food.
Anon
Do a large cheese plate, a signature holiday drink, and wine and you’re fine.
Julia
Yes, a meat/cheese platter and a veggie platter should be fine, though.
The bigger point is to MAKE SURE PEOPLE TAKE THE COOKIES. If you haven’t done a cookie exchange before, buy enough new disposable containers for each attendee to take away as many cookies as they brought. So often, people just show up for the socializing and fun but don’t actually take any cookies home, so you’re left with dozens at the end of the night.
Cookie Exchange
So, that’s my worry. Knowing my friends, they would eat some cookies at the party but not want to take any home. And I worry that if I do other (healthy) snacks, they will not even really eat the cookies.
Sounds like this isn’t a good party idea for me. Back to the drawing board.
rosie
I don’t think you need to try to come up with a theme or activity. Just serve snacks (if non meal time) & drinks and call it a holiday open house. If you want an activity, I do like white elephant gift exchanges but I know some people don’t. If you go that route and are having the party from 2-5, for example, I’d call it a holiday open house with an optional white elephant gift exchange beginning at 3 (or whenever) w/a $20 limit.
anon
You could just do a holiday open house – it’s informal, that time frame is perfect for it, and you only have to serve snacks/drinks, not a meal.
Pompom
Eh, I think I’m your friends. Not on the “healthier snacks vs. available cookies” thing, but I do not want any number of cookies sitting in my house after a party, so I don’t go to cookie swap parties when invited. Open house with optional BYOC (…ookies to trade) could solve that?
Anon
I wouldn’t do optional – either do a cookie exchange or have a holiday open house, the optional means a couple people might bring cookies and will feel foolish for having done so, or almost everyone will and a couple people will feel left out. I have done a cookie exchange, you need to be a bit more forward as a host and lead the festivities. It went like this: each person was instructed to bring a certain amount of dozens of cookies, people showed up, got a glass of wine until everyone was there, we all put out our cookies, stood around the table admiring them, and went around each explaining what they brought, and a little description of how they decided upon the recipe (ie was it a family recipe or why did they pick it), then everyone grabbed containers and filled them up with the same amount of dozens of cookies they brought (some people had their own containers, some people used the holiday theme Gladware containers I picked up at Target). I had a paper bag for each person and wrote their name on it, and all their cookie containers went into those bags, which we put by the door. Then we mingled and had snacks and wine and merriment. No one left their cookies.
You really don’t need to stress about leftover cookies, though – just package them up and bring them to work or give them away. I make goodie bags for my big christmas party (it’s usually things I can whip up in big batches like: cranberry jam I made/canned and a mini-loaf of orange bread, or homemade gingerbread biscotti and hot cocoa mix). There is always a few left over and I give them as gifts to my neighbors.
Anon
This cookie exchange sounds like a minimum Level 6 hostess activity with all the skill required in directing people, communicating what prep is needed before the party, facilitating the follow through of actually exchanging cookies. Seems like it could be a lot of fun for someone with natural hosting ability but this would certainly be out of my depth. Kudos to those who can do it though!
anon
For an afternoon party, I’d like to have a few savory snacks but nothing too wild. You may need to do more for an evening event.
FWIW, I don’t think you should ask people to bring snacks if they’re already making cookies for the exchange!
Anonymous
If you host a party at a mealtime then you must provide enough food for a meal. And yes, 1 pm and 7 pm are mealtimes. Just host the party at 3-5.
Anon
I would expect there be food at *any* party, regardless of the time. Snacks at the very least.
TrixieRuby
I would serve mini-sandwiches, crackers and cheese, and fruit/veggie platter with beverages, including wine. People won’t eat very much. Don’t serve cookies, maybe some dark chocolates on the side. People should bring boxes/containers to bring home and pack up the cookies. Sounds like fun!
Anon
If you host a party you can provide some snacks but there must be something to eat. Not necessarily a meal or anything fancy. Provide the food and ask everyone to bring a bottle of wine or something.
anon
What is your favorite pumpkin pie recipe? I am going to try to make for the first time, and after reviewing a bunch of recipes I am a bit overwhelmed. The process seems pretty easy, even for a non-baker, am I missing something?
anon
Honestly? I use the recipe on the back of the Libby’s can. It is pretty good every time and beats a store-bought pie even if you don’t make the crust from scratch.
Anon
Same. Back of Libby’s can. Even when I roast a pumpkin instead of using canned pumpkin, we look up the Libby’s recipe online.
PS the stuff in the Libby’s can is not actually pumpkin as we know it. They patented a different type of squash that is easier and cheaper to grow as “pumpkin.” Doesn’t bother me because it’s all about the spices anyway, just the type of nerdy factoid that makes me a great invite for any party!
anon
Yep, this. My mom has done this for years, and I seriously don’t want any other kind of pumpkin pie. You really don’t need to go fancy here.
Anon
I find that’s true with every thanksgiving recipe. I have been hosting for 15+ years. No one wants you to mess with the traditional dishes. Pecan crusted bourbon pumpkin pie? Interesting, but I’ll have the Libby’s.
anon
Same. Have been hosting for 8-9 years by now. Every year I might try one new dish for fun, but honestly, everyone wants the standards. I have it down to a science now.
anon
I have to tell my parents this EVERY year. Every year they ask…hey, should we do something different for a meal this year?! No, just do the normal stuff, please. Do something “interesting” for Christmas dinner, as is typical, but you will have a bunch of slightly annoyed adult children if you change the program on us. Before you say we’re ungrateful adults who should host our own Thanksgiving: (1) we all pitch in and help with every part of this (bringing food, cooking food at their house, cleaning up), except the front-end house cleaning because none of us can do it to her standards and everyone is then miserable, (2) my mother would be DEVASTATED if any of us dared have our own Thanksgiving, and (3) we are all grateful and loving of their hospitality. She has thankfully learned to tolerate that my married siblings have to alternate years or split the day.
Walnut
+1 for the Libby can recipe.
RR
Back of the Libby’s can, but I beef up the spices a bit. This has been my mom’s recipe for decades too.
Vicky Austin
+1. It’s a classic for a reason. Don’t worry too much OP!
anne-on
This one. Cooking down the pumpkin actually makes a really big difference in texture (less watery, more flavorful).
https://smittenkitchen.com/2014/11/classic-pumpkin-pie-with-pecan-praline-sauce/
Anonymous
I prefer pumpkin cheesecake. This one is really easy:
https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/13477/double-layer-pumpkin-cheesecake/
I think I added a smidge of extra pumpkin and made it all pumpkin rather than doing a plain layer.
Anony
I also use the Libby’s recipe with a couple adaptations that I’ve made over the years… I’m the official pie baker in the family and whenever I ask what I can bring to any family event between September and March, it’s “bring your pumpkin pie”.
That being said, here are my adaptations – instead of 3/4 cups white sugar, I use 1/2 cup brown sugar and 1/2 c white sugar (this cuts down on the sweetness and gives it more depth; my family doesn’t like super sweet anything). My secret is adding 1 tsp of vanilla and 1/2 tsp of nutmeg. This year, I’m experimenting with using McCormick Roasted Ground Cinnamon instead of regular ground cinnamon.
As for pie crusts, I suck at making homemade pie crusts so I but the premade Pillsbury ones. They are fine. I have zero time to perfect making pie crusts because I find them SO difficult.
Lilliet
Is there a typo in your sugar modification? You changed the recipe from 3/4 cups sugar to 1 cup total sugar, so adding sugar (brown sugar is just white sugar with molasses, so in a 1/2 cup of brown sugar there is still scant 1/2 cup white sugar). Just honestly curious, sorry to be a nag!
Anony
Is there a typo in your sugar modification? You changed the recipe from 3/4 cups sugar to 1 cup total sugar, so adding sugar (brown sugar is just white sugar with molasses, so in a 1/2 cup of brown sugar there is still scant 1/2 cup white sugar). Just honestly curious, sorry to be a nag!
Lilliet
Thank you for the follow up! I may try this this year! :-)
Anon
SO EASY. My mom bought me one of those grocery store checkout lane cookbook pamphlets years ago and this was in there. I use it every year. And ditto on the Pillsbury pie crust – I’ve been baking for years and still haven’t mastered that.
https://www.eaglebrand.com/recipe-detail/perfectpumpkinpie-3929
PolyD
Use a frozen pie crust – Marie Callander’s is pretty good. My pumpkin pie recipe:
1 cup canned pumpkin (NOT the canned pumpkin pie stuff)
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup evaporated milk
3 eggs
1/4 cup brandy
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
Pinch of salt
Throw it all in a bowl and mix with a mixer until it’s all blended together.
Pour it into the piecrust and bake. I can’t remember what temperature or how long, but probably standard pumpkin pie baking time and temp. This pie is denser than most pumpkin pies, and the brandy and pumpkin pie spice rescue it from the blandness that is pumpkin.
Is it Friday yet?
Pie crust is sooo easy to make, tastes better than the store bought stuff, and takes about ten minutes – it makes me so sad that everyone apparently struggles with it. I want to give a workshop and teach you all, haha. I use the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook’s basic recipe for most pies, and the trick is to add less water than you think you’ll need, and then keep adding very gradually until you can pick it all up as a single ball.
My family has been making this pumpkin pie since 1991, when it apparently appeared in Bon Appetit. So good, especially with the maple whipped cream. Also, the crust is delicious, and super easy in a food processor.
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/pumpkin-maple-pie-2691
lydia
agree. I use smitten kitchen’s recipe and it’s great. and I hate the salty and fake taste of store-bought…it’s really worth making your own! The recipe I use is this one:
https://smittenkitchen.com/2008/11/pie-crust-102-all-butter-really-flaky-pie-dough/
Horse Crazy
My favorite is from Williams Sonoma. https://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/classic-pumpkin-pie.html
JuniorMinion
Ina Garten has a good one
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/member/views/barefoot-contessa-pumpkin-pie-with-rum-whipped-cream-52961871
Her pie crust recipe is good too. The trick with pie crusts is 1) everything needs to be cold 2) make it in a food processor
Anonymous
I think I did this one at a Sur La Table cooking class a couple years ago. It was amazing. The rum whipped cream was the perfect touch
Anonymous
I recall that there are a few women on this board who have successfully transitioned from law to writing. Care to share how in the world you did that!? I am not financially able to quit my associate job yet, but need to get a solid game plan in place for when I can, and the only job market I’m familiar with is the legal one. I have an English degree from a top university and have been published a number of times, although the recent publications are all law-related writing. Should I attempt to pick up some freelance writing gigs while working as a lawyer? What types of jobs will pay you a consistent salary for writing, and how do you find such jobs? The goal is to eventually be a novelist, but I am finding it very difficult to write while also working as an associate, so am looking to transition into a more writing-adjacent job which will allow me the time and mental space to work on my personal projects, while continuing to hone my writing skills and being able to pay my bills! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as it all seems to be a black box to me right now.
Anonymous
Doesn’t exist. You’re basically looking at freelance work and that’s all consuming.
Anon
It might have been a comment from me. My career path was Big Law attorney to professional writer. If you post an email address, I’m happy to send some more details about my current job (I love it) and how I got it.
I disagree with the above poster. There are plenty of full-time jobs that pay you to write: journalism, marketing, communications, technical writing, legal writing, textbook writing, etc. If you want to do creative writing, it’s definitely harder to make a living though.
Anonymous
Thanks – I would love to hear more details about your current job and how you got it! I made a burner email address that you can send to: jls77771@outlook.com.
Anonymous
Source: I am married to a software engineer who is a published writer (he has a publisher and his novels are available on Amazon and elsewhere) who has still not been able to become a full-time writer.
Gently, I am more on the side of the person who is saying that what you want to do is not possible, or maybe, it is only possible if you are willing to pare your life down to the bare essentials and live on very little money (which hey – some people are!).
My husband started writing novels (science fiction) about 15 years ago. Originally he had dreams of being able to ditch his day job and write full time like James Patterson or Stephen King. He wrote short stories and sold them to magazines, he blogged, he self-published his first two books before he got picked up by a small publisher. He worked very, very hard at it for years. As part of that, he joined communities of other creative writers and figured out pretty fast that unless people were willing to live at or below the poverty line, no one was a “full-time novelist.” He is in groups with people who have won Hugo and other literary awards; been published by Big Time Publishers and gone on national book tours; been featured in national non-literary magazines, etc. He has experienced a modest amount of local and sci-fi community fame himself. No one he knows is making a living at writing novels. For almost everyone, creative writing is a side gig. I think people look at images in the media (I’m looking at you, Lifetime Television for Women) and think that “novelist” is an actual job that actual, regular people can have and still afford nice clothes and a nice apartment and not have to go to the food bank for groceries. Based on my husband’s experience and the experiences of his fellow authors, I think if I heard that there are a thousand full-time novelists in the world (that genuinely do nothing but write their own novels – no ghostwriting, no marketing copywriting work, no journalism, etc. and also aren’t relying on any other income source, like family money), that would surprise me. From what I have seen, it just doesn’t happen – unless someone has a wealthy spouse, or family money, or is willing to live on basically nothing.
That all being said, Anon at 10:33 is right that if you love writing, there are plenty of jobs out there for you, most of which probably don’t pay half of what you’re making as a lawyer, but would be more fulfilling or satisfying for you. Most of those jobs probably fit the bill of less time-intensive than being an associate lawyer, and allowing you to have more mental space for your creative writing. My husband knows many, many people who work what we call “joe jobs” – cashiering, data entry, administrative assisting, part-time bookkeeping, etc. so they can make money and have health insurance while not putting too much mental energy toward their day job, and they have time and energy left over for their creative work. That’s not a financially lucrative path but many of the folks doing it seem very happy.
Anonymous
I’m OP – thanks, I appreciate your candour and the detail of your response. I do realize that making a living as a novelist is extremely rare (that’s exactly the reason I went to law school instead of continuing to pursue that path). I honestly don’t care about making a lot of money and would much rather feel fulfilled (right now I feel like I am wasting my life away in an office and not moving towards any of my goals or actually living my life), but I do realize that I say that from a place where I don’t need to care about money due to my current salary, and haven’t experienced firsthand what it is to really struggle to make ends meet. I think what I am looking for is what you have described in your last paragraph, but I don’t know about “joe jobs” as I do have pretty significant bills to pay. I am thinking more middle of the road like a 9-5 writing job that pays decent money but doesn’t require me to work evenings or weekends or to care about the job outside of working hours. Admittedly, it does seem a bit like I’m looking for something that may or may not exist, but I’m trying to do all the research I can while still at my current job so that I can figure out a path out not have to abandon my dream of being a writer.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 10:33. There is a lot of space to be a writer in between being Stephen King and taking a menial minimum wage job that has nothing to do with writing. I agree that being a full-time novelist is not financially viable for all but a very few, very lucky people. But I disagree that it’s impossible to be a professional writer. I am one and know dozens of others, including several who aren’t in my professional network at all (just friends or classmates who also happened became professional writers via varying career paths). We don’t make Big Law money, but we earn enough to support ourselves (usually in the $50-100k range) and we certainly earn a lot more than people who do the kinds of jobs you describe. If you enjoy writing and think you want to do it, it makes more sense to me to try to actually find a job as a writer vs. just giving up and taking a really boring, low paid job with vague plans to write a novel. I’m probably never going to write a novel, and I’m almost certainly never going to be a famous novelist. But I enjoy being a writer a lot more than I enjoyed being a lawyer and I consider it a career, not just something I’m doing to have health insurance and pay my electric bill. Sounds like OP might be in a similar situation.
Anonymous
Here’s what the OP said:
“The goal is to *eventually be a novelist*, but I am finding it very difficult to write while also working as an associate, so am looking to transition into a *more writing-adjacent job* which will *allow me the time and mental space to work on my personal projects*, while continuing to hone my writing skills and being able to pay my bills!”
I don’t think she’s looking to do what you’re doing, which is be a “professional non-creative writer” who never wants to write a novel or spend the majority of their writing time on creative projects. It sounds like the focus for her is creative writing, whereas the focus for you is not.
Anonymous
I’m OP – I’d actually think I would be overjoyed to do whatever Anon at 10:33 and 11:28 is doing, as she is a professional writer and is making a living doing so! The dream is to be a novelist, so you are right that the eventual focus is creative writing, but being a “professional non-creative writer” is leaps and bounds away from what I’m doing now and certainly in the direction of my goals.
Anon
I understood that, and I wasn’t suggesting she abandon the novel goal. My job is 9-5 (at most), and there’s plenty of time and headspace for creative projects and side gigs. Almost all of my coworkers have at least one creative side gig. Currently, mine is freelance writing, because I have young kids and it’s easier for me to juggle short, discrete projects than something huge and open-ended like a novel. I do eventually want to write a novel, or rewrite one of the novels I wrote as a teen, but I don’t expect to make novel writing my primary source of income because, as you noted, that’s very difficult to do.
Housecounsel
Scott Turow wrote Presumed Innocent while riding the train to and from his law office in downtown Chicago. If you want to write a novel, you will find a way.
Anonymous
Anon at 12:40 – you are describing my dream job. I eagerly await your email!! The fact that your job even exists has given me a sense of hope. I think my email got trapped in mod so trying again – it’s jls77771 at outlook dot com.
Coach Laura
In addition to Scott Turow, Daniel Silva was a journalist and also wrote his book on the train to and from the office. I read recently about a published novelist who wrote mostly on her iPhone in bits and pieces, which would drive me crazy.
OP, as another (struggling) writer with a day job, I wonder if you’ll have the mental space to write for yourself after a day of writing at your “day job”. I find I’m too much of a night owl to get up to write a 5am before work (which is a suggestion by Walter Mosley in his book “This year you write your novel”) but after work in the evening, my creative juices are low. I have started writing on my iPad on my “lunch” hour at a coffee shop or in a vacant conference room or even in my car. You might want to get a low-key or less-stress job to replace your law job that is more of a routine job that won’t wear you out.
Anon
I recommend you read Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott. The upshot is, become a writer because you MUST write, because inside, you are a writer first and foremost. Do not become a writer even expecting to publish. And write every single day no matter what.
But read the book, because it’s better than I can say above. After all, she is the writer.
Anon
There’s always Bloomberg…
Anon
Christine’s IG is afrominimalist.
Anon
I follow Christine Platt on IG for her minimalist journey, but I know she has a JD and worked in the legal field (not sure in what capacity) before becoming a full time writer within the past year or so. She’s published a couple novels and a children’s book series. She could at least serve as inspiration.
Edna Mazur
If you are still reading Chloe Neill is an attorney that ha published several novels (20+) working in a well respected firm in the midwest. Have you thought about going mid or small law for better hours?
Anonymous
I want a pair of black knee high riding boots (flat sole), either no decoration or if there is a buckle, silver hardware. Budget $100, I can wait until Black Friday if there is a good deal. Ideas?
My last pairs have been cheap/Kohls.
Worry About Yourself
DSW has been my new go-to place for shoes, the prices are decent and I joined the VIP rewards club so I can get coupons for $10-20 off. Definitely look into that if you’re looking for boots on a budget.
cat socks
I’m currently wearing a pair from Born that are flat, black and not embellished. I got them from Macy’s a few years ago, but also second the recommendation for DSW.
pugsnbourbon
6pm dot com. It’s super easy to search.
Anonymous
The great thing about 6pm is that you can search boots by calf circumference, which greatly narrows down the chance you’ll get a boot that’s too wide or too skinny in the calf. Which is important, because returns on 6pm are a nightmare and the reason why I quit shopping with them. Last time I ordered from 6pm and had a return, I paid almost as much in postage to ship the shoes back as they’d cost me.
PolyD
And then when you find the boot of your dreams on 6pm, search for it on Amazon. 6pm does free shipping over $35 but you have to pay to return, AND go to the Post Office to do it (no prepaid shipping label – so barbaric!).
Shoes.com often has good deals, too. And sometimes pretty good cash back on Ebates/Rakutan.
Abby
+100 for DSW – all of my ankle boots are from there, my favorite $40 black booties are on their 3rd or 4th winter. I drop in to check their sale section occasionally
Anon
I’m obsessed with these from Clarks. I know they are above your price point but I got them on a buy one get one 50% off deal. Also, they should be 30% off now with the code. Otherwise you can’t go wrong with a cheaper Clark’s or Cole Haan.
https://www.clarksusa.com/c/Pure-Caddy/p/26143536
mahnamahna
sam edelman penny may fit the bill although the shoe runs long and narrow so sizing can be a little tricky. not sure you’ll get them for $100 but regular price is $150 and you may find them on sale. they are really well made for a leather boot at that price point.
Anon
From what I understand, the specialist will be much more expensive. I believe cost for cleaning and anaesthesia at my vet (the work being done by the vet) is around $200, if they have to extract I think it’s a set cost per tooth?
Anon
Am thinking about getting an iRobot vacuum cleaner. Is there any meaningful difference between the i7 and the s9 to justify the price difference?
T
I can see how the D-shaped body would be nice to do corners/cover more surface, but it’s not a must. Unless you’re committed to getting one of the high-end mapping models, I’d consider an older version. I bought a new 690 a few years ago and recently bought a refurbished one on eBay to add to the collection – both work exactly as expected.
Anonymous
Has anyone ever self published? A friend of mine is working on a project that he wants published, but not publishing house type published.
It’s more academic in nature (probably most like business reading, if that’s a genre?) than reading for pleasure, if that matters.
I know nothing and figured someone here might know something- terms to search for, workgroups, that sort of thing? Right now he’s just creating the book that he wants “to put out in the world.”
Anonymous
If he just wants a kindle e-book on amazon I think that’s pretty easy – can find people to format it via upwork. A physical product would be harder – I’ve had good luck with 1-off printing through Lulu but those are just for me.
Coach Laura
I think the app Scrivner also formats to a Kindle upload: He can write it and then it uploads in the right format.
Bette
Why not try to actually get published? Is he an MBA? There are a lot of publishing houses that love publishing business-lite books.
anon
A colleague of mine wrote a professional development book and used amazon’s self publishing platform, they have support for ebooks and also print.
Anonymous
If it’s truly academic in nature, he should go to a big conference in his field and talk with the academic publishers in his field. Getting an academic book published is not at all the same thing as getting a mass-market book published.
editor
I can help! But there are a lot of variables. To start, I would say:
What’s his market–who are his readers?
Having established this, begin to work on a marketing plan.
He might consider finding a book coach–doesn’t have to be local) to help guide through all the steps, especially the order in which to do them. There are SO MANY things that authors don’t know need to be done, and they are often shocked and discouraged to learn, say, that a nonfiction book needs an index and that this is best done by a professional.
Looks are everything. Yes, even in books. A professional cover, which is one of the very first steps, is necessary. I advise people to look on book websites in their genre to see what the prevailing style is. (I used to send them to Borders for this.) Collect some of these covers, and send them as a starting point to a professional book cover designer–not a graphic artist, not an art student, not a relative who has Photoshop. The cover designer can probably also do the interior layout.
Likewise for an editor–not just a neighbor who’s an English major. And there are all sorts of editors-line, developmental, copy . . .
You asked about groups. He can see if there’s a chapter of IBPA in his area. I wouldn’t bother with anything with “writers” in the title, like [name of city] Writers. He needs to become his own publisher.
I can recommend going through Ingram for much of the necessary tasks. Have him take a look there–“ingramspark.”
This is my profession (ha, can’t you tell?) I could go on and on, but have mentioned only the most (to me) important, beginning steps. IRL, I could say more, and could take specific questions. But I hope this helped a bit. Happy to talk more or answer further questions.
Looking forward to any other replies! (And hoping that there aren’t any typos.)
Anonymous
I think the goal is “I have this rant about healthcare and business and I’ve always wanted to write a book.” I don’t think he’s planning to make any money on it, just put it out there and then use it as part of his consulting practice.
I did ask if he wanted a physical book or an e-book and I think that was a point of consideration. Like, “just self publish on amazon” seemed too easy of an answer and “not legitimate” (neither of us used those words) but an actual physical book might be a little much.
To the question above, it’s not actually academic. From what I understand it’s sort of business-y, sort of life-coach-y, and would be read and used by HR execs. He does have an MBA and probably 30-40 years of work experience.
anon
Cat cleanup help needed …
Long story, but one of our kids shut the door to my cat’s room a few weeks ago. I didn’t realize it until said cat had peed on the carpet because he couldn’t get to the litter box. The carpet still smells, despite doing the following:
– blasting with Nature’s Miracle, which as far as I can tell, didn’t do squat and now even the clean carpet smells like that stuff — it’s not a great smell
– trying to neutralize the spot with vinegar
– when that didn’t work, we shampooed the carpet with a Bissell wet vac
– that made things better, but there was still a faint ammonia smell, so I also tried the Clorox urine remover spray
Every once in awhile, I still catch a whiff of ammonia smell, and the residue from Nature’s Miracle is lingering. So basically, I can’t stand being in that room and I’m hosting Thanksgiving next weekend. What do I try next?!
nuqotw
You need to call a professional. We watched an older dog at the same time our then 4 year old went through a serious potty regression. We tried a wet vac, baking soda, vinegar, oxi-clean, and finally had to admit defeat. The pros came in with a black light and some mystery liquid that they put everywhere the black light revealed dog/child residue. Then they used their mega-powerful wet vacuum scrubber and damn, those carpets were clean.
Anonymous
Get new carpet and a new carpet pad. There is really no other option.
Anonymous
Sorry, but this. We haven’t had cats for a long time but one of ours continually peed on a part of our carpet (not because he couldn’t get to the litter box – he just chose not to use it). The only solution, sorry to say, was removing the carpet and padding and while that was off the floor, we had a professional come in and treat the concrete subfloor where the urine had soaked in before replacing the pad and carpet with new materials. We also ended up replacing about 6 feet of wood trim near that area that had also gotten soaked with urine and was unrecoverable. Then we decided that no matter what, after that cat died we were never getting another cat, ever, and to date, we have not.
Anonymous
You may also need to use Kilz on the subfloor. Cat pee often soaks through the carpet, pad, and into the wood.
cat socks
Any way you are able to lift up the carpet to check the padding? Was there any baseboard or wood nearby that could have gotten wet? You could also try another cleaner like Urine Off. Soak the area, and cover it with plastic and hopefully the enzymes will get rid of any remaining urine smell in a couple of days. Then try steam cleaning it.
Anon
Professional carpet cleaner. Tell them about the prior pet pee and what you’ve done since. They should be able to get it out.
Anonome
Agreed that you need a professional at this point. You’ve messed with the chemistry of the stain so much that you need a pro to sort this out now. Give them a detailed list of the products you’ve tried, with timeframe of application and all ingredients included.
Source: cat owner and foster for 20+ years
Anon
If the cat peed on the carpet near the litter box room, are you sure you are not just smelling where the cat is now using his litter box? You probably were tuning out the smell from immediately after the cat pees but now that you are specifically looking for that smell, you notice it. Could you have an honest friend come over and tell you if she smells anything?
anon
No, he didn’t pee near the litter box. I have a sensitive sense of smell and DH can’t smell anything, ever, so I’m going by my own impression.
Anonymous
I would try dumping a bunch of baking soda on it, kind of rubbing it in with a dry washcloth and then vacuuming it up. If that doesn’t work, call a professional cleaner.
anon
Thanks, everyone. I am frustrated and thoroughly over this, so I’m calling in the pros. DH is … not pleased, because he already spent a Saturday morning cleaning, but he has zero sense of smell and I have a nose like a bloodhound.
Anon
Kids’n’pets is more effective than Nature’s Miracle, but it does leave a scent for a while.
I have found that Kobasan carpet cleaners are (somehow) more effective for pet accidents than regular carpet cleaners.
Definitely don’t use Urine Off which might actually smell worse than urine.
Mahnamahna
Anyone have a rec for a good dupe of the barefoot dreams cardigan? It would be a great gift for someone on my list but is a over the budget.
Delta Dawn
Someone here recently posted that Max and Mia Essential Travel Cardigan is a good dupe for this. It’s available on Amazon– I have not tried it myself, but it looks convincing and is around $40.
Veronica Mars
That was me! It’s available at Costco for $25, but only in select colors and sizes. Mine was sold out of the black in size medium, for example, but still had larger sizes and a few smalls. I love mine. It’s a perfect dupe.
anon
could someone please share more about the appeal of the Barefoot Dreams cardigans? I haven’t experienced one and have watched the pitch on QVC…..for the price, how wonderful are they? I have cashmere that I love….are barefoot dreams better?
Veronica Mars
I love cashmere, so I wouldn’t say they’re on the same level as cashmere, but they’re for a different purpose. They’re a very nice, midweight but not hot sweater layer– perfect for wearing indoors or in warmer winter climates. The appeal is that they’re very soft, thick and cozy. Like wearing a blanket. It’s a different sensation than my cashmere, which I find is better for colder weather and temperature regulation.
Housecounsel
I am wearing one now (working from home) and it is so soft. I absolutely love it. Cashmere is wonderful of course, but it is just so much more delicate. I can throw my Barefoot Dreams cardigan (I have the Montecito in two colors) in the washer and not stress. I stress about cashmere and usually have it professionally cleaned.
Anonymous
Costco supposedly has one.
Frank
There’s Stars Above by Target that’s apparently super awesome.
Housecounsel
I looked at the Stars Above ones at Target last weekend and they do look super awesome.
Anon
Thanks for the rec. just ordered one. I’m not OP.
mahnamahna
OP here. Will look at Target and Costco. My mother is looking to up her loungewear game as she is retired and spends a good bit of time at home. She also runs really cold. That was my thought process for the appeal of this cardigan. Thanks all!
Batgirl
I recently started taking Zoloft for mild depression and anxiety, and while it has been pretty helpful, I have gained 5 lbs since I started taking it a few months ago. Ironically, this is now contributing to my depression and anxiety because I’m feeling unattractive and none of my clothes fit (I have a pretty small frame and was already up an extra 5lbs from having had two babies in the last four years). Any suggestions for losing weight while on antidepressants? Or better yet, any anecdata about antidepressants that don’t cause weight gain? Honestly, the depression is so mild that I would consider going off the medication altogether if it hadn’t (amazingly) eliminated some chronic back pain I had been suffering from as well. Thanks in advance!
Panda Bear
Some other options might be reducing your dosage or trying a different medication – talk to your doctor to see what they suggest.
OP
I should have added that I did talk to my doctor but he was (surprise!) dismissive over a small weight gain. He also said that the dosage doesn’t matter for weight gain but I’m not sure. I’m already on a super low dose.
anon
Based on my experiences, the dosage probably doesn’t matter for weight gain. There are definitely other options for antidepresants, though.
No Problem
Wellbutrin can cause weight loss because it decreases your appetite (I lost about 10 lbs over the course of a few months). But it doesn’t for everyone. And there is no anti-anxiety component to it, so it wouldn’t address all of your issues. I don’t think the advice for losing weight while on antidepressants is any different than general weight loss advice: watch what you eat (particularly added sugar) and get moderate exercise a few times a week.
Coach Laura
There actually can be an anti-anxiety component to Wellbutrin. Not for everyone but the side effect of anxiety and agitation is similar to other anti-depressants, most of which have anxiety as a side effect. OP ask your doctor.
anon
If Wellbutrin is appropriate for you, it is one of the antidepressants that is frequently prescribed to women with body image issues because it is not associate with weight gain. Contraindicated if you have bulimia or a purging disorder, however, because there is a risk of seizures in people who purge and use Wellbutrin due to electrolyte fluctuations.
(This is what I was told by my psychiatrist when I was being treated for anorexia with comorbid depression.)
Anon
Wellbutrin usually causes appetite suppression and weight loss, but it more likely to slightly increase anxiety.
Veronica Mars
Be aware that the treatment of the anxiety and/or depression may cause weight loss, and when treated, you will return to a higher normal weight. For example, I was at my thinnest when I was the most ill with anxiety–I was so anxious about getting fat that I’d skip meals or limit my portions. I would recommend staying on the meds and trying calorie tracking via my fitness pal to see if you can shed the weight.
Anon
No advice on exactly what you are asking, but please look into getting the post-baby back pain treated. That’s often connected with ongoing weakness in your core as a result of childbearing, and a good physical therapist can help you fix the underlying problems.
The helpful side effects are that it may make exercise easier (more endorphins!) and help you to feel better about your body, because your body is working better.
OP
Thanks, I actually did a ton of treatments for the back pain for years to no avail (four different rounds of PT, spinal injections, exercise, etc) and the only thing that really worked was going on Zoloft. My back doctor said that it can interrupt the pain signals…but it could also be that the anxiety was manifesting itself more physically. Anyway, still something I need to work on!
Anony
I’m not sure where exactly your back pain is but chronic thoracic back pain and shoulder pain led me on a very long path of finding out that I actually had multiple ribs out of place (among other things). I see 2 osteopaths monthly – one for gentle manipulations (way gentler than a chiro) and the other for prolotherapy and trigger point injections. Turns out that I have hypermobility spectrum disorder, possibly Ehler’s Danlos Type 3 but the moral of the story is, keep pushing to solve your back pain. It took me 4 years, countless doctors, tests, imaging, and the firing of a couple doctors before I found my answer.
OP
Thank you, I really appreciate this. I feel like so many doctors have been dismissive of my pain, and it’s hard to stay on top of it, particularly when the symptoms have (temporarily?) subsided.
Anon
You need to buy clothes that fit. Of course you’re not going to feel good if you wear tight pants daily. That’s the problem, not the small weight gain.
OP
I definitely agree. It’s just that because of where I tend to gain weight (all in the waistline), it becomes harder and harder to find clothes that fit me well when I gain even the smallest amount of weight. I had already bought a lot of new clothes postpartum and had hoped that I would be moving back to my smaller stuff or at least not needing to size up again now.
Anonymous
Not helpful.
Anon
It is, actually. Anyone who has gained weight and allowed themselves to purchase new clothes can describe the instant relief of the constant fat feeling and concurrent anxiety.
anon
Anyone and everyone? Come on. Sure, that helps, but doesn’t solve the issue completely. Speaking from experience.
ceej
My understanding is that anti-depressant weight gain is related to both a decrease in metabolism and an increase in hunger. That sucks. I would definitely say just buy bigger clothes.
But, I also think that things that help depression and back pain can help with weight loss. If you can go on two 20 minute walks a day, especially during daylight hours, that can burn about 200 calories a day, which if you don’t eat them back can be about 1/2 lbs a week of weight loss. Plus 40 minutes of sunlight, plus exercise benefits. A vinyasa yoga class probably burns about 200 calories and can also help with core strength (for the back pain) and stress for the depression/anxiety.
Things that increase your metabolism and decrease hunger are all anxiety inducers (caffeine, phentermine, ephedra). So, the bad news is, if you want to lose weight, you probably mostly have to eat fewer calories. It will be hard. It may not be sustainable. Assuming you are short, you will probably need to eat what feels like very little for at least 10 weeks to lose 10 lbs. Possible 20 weeks. You will almost certianly have to not eat at some times when you feel hungry, and never eat when you are not hungry and just bored/sad/lonely/ anxious/ snacky. It might be much worse for your mental health to deprive yourself of this very normal comfort mechanism rather than just adapting.
OP
Yeah, I should say that I’m not really willing to go full throttle on a real weight loss plan right now. I’m happy to make some tweaks to diet and exercise, but nothing that would feel like a major lifestyle change right now. And if that means, I stay the same, fine. But if I could change medications to at least not hinder my efforts, I’d appreciate that as well. With two kids under the age of four and a demanding job, something has got to give!
OP
Thanks, this is helpful. And you inspired me to get on the treadmill for 20 min just now and do some mat exercises, so that’s something!
Julia
Related to the dog question above, do you ladies believe that if you have two dogs, they are fine staying at home together during the day while their people are away for 10 hours at work/school? Right now we send our only dog to doggie daycare so she has some friends/interaction/exercise. If we got a second dog, could we just leave them in the house/yard all day (we have a dog door) and let them play together, or would they still need doggie daycare?
Anonymous
It really depends on the dogs.
Anonymous
It depends on the dogs. Mine (golden retriever mixes) have always been fine alone for hours at a time. I have a dog walker once a day to break up the monotony. They might not like being actually alone (how would I know?), but my dogs do not play with one another during the day. They sleep. They arr happy to see me. They are happy to see the dog walker. They prefer when I stay home all day. But they have a perfectly pleasant existence with a single, working owner.
Anon
I don’t have two dogs, but our one dog is fine on her own for up to 10 hours. She’s an older chihuahua mix and she just wants to sleep all day. I think at this point (she’s ~10 years old) she actually finds weekends very stressful because she doesn’t get enough sleep when we’re home.
Anonymous
Probably unpopular opinion, and it does depend on the dog’s personality, but if they have access to a yard for potty breaks and they aren’t a breed that needs a lot of stimulation, of course. I feel like dog walkers and leaving dogs inside most of the day is a very recent phenomenon. Where I grew up, most dogs just lived outside in the yard with an invisible fence, with a dog house for inclement weather unless it was really cold (I grew up in the South, it’s usually not too cold during the day for dogs to be out) and got walked when the older kid got home from school or the adult got home from work (if they got walked at all) and they were all perfectly fine.
Anon
Totally depends on the dogs. My older dog is fine loose in the house and using a dog door. My younger dog (5 y/o greyhound… they’re not all houseplants, LOL) is crated unless supervised. She will rearrange the house given half a chance. That also means crating the older dog, because even though they don’t particularly care for each other, greyhound will lose her sh*t if she’s crated alone (not in the same crate – 2 crates in the same room). Older dog doesn’t mind being crated, so it’s no big deal, though I’d prefer to have one less crate set up in my small house. I love dogs with strong personalities and drive, however it means fewer options for how to handle things when I’m gone.
Telco Lady JD
This cracked me up. I have a three year old greyhound and he is….not a houseplant. He raced exactly one time, and then retired for the good life. And he’s basically a lab puppy in a greyhound suit and is also crated unless supervised. He’s a hoarder. Our older (11 year old) greyhound girl is frequently unimpressed by him. (And and still outrun him. LOL.)
Anon
I fostered greyhounds for a gazillion years in the bad old days when there were way more dogs than homes available. Those big goofball boys that nobody wanted were my soft spot. I usually kept an old broodbitch around as well in order to knock some sense into them when I didn’t have the time/energy. Occasionally I miss the chaos and silliness of having 4 or 5 seventy-five pound 2 year olds in the house… then I remember that it’s been several years since I’ve had a couch overturned or a sack of flour shredded on my bed.
My current hound is a silly little thing that was too much for her adoption group to handle. Their loss. She’s a pistol and a ton of fun.
Telco Lady JD
Our old girl isn’t a broodie, but she acts like one! I think they tried to breed her (and after 160 races, they should have), but she had a terrible case of hookworm and was pretty underweight. She’s the best dog. Affectionate, gentle with kids, and just enough attitude to keep us laughing. And, of course, to keep her much younger bull-in-a-China-shop brother in line. He tried to steal some of her food, and she bit his snoot. He now won’t eat anywhere near her. ;-) She used to be very well behaved, but my husband has spoiled her rotten. And, given that she’s eleven, I only pretend to complain. Thanks for taking care of those babies in the bad old days!
Mrs. Jones
When I worked longer hours, I left my two dogs alone for 10 hours a day. I think they just slept all day. Obviously this is dog-dependent.
anon
This is really dog (and dog age) dependent. My current dog has a daily dog walker – but he is only 1-year old and an only. My last dog was fine at home alone all day (with a dog door so he could go in and out as he pleased) – but he was 12 and just wanted to sleep all day (and had for a while). My parents have 2 and their (adult) dogs are also fine on their own for the standard working day.
The average dog sleeps 8-12 hours per day and puppies and older dogs sleep more. Larger breeds sleep more. I am not sure where we developed this idea that dogs are miserable left alone for more than a few hours but it is not consistent with my experience with many, many dogs. There is a happy medium between leaving a dog alone in the back yard for 12 hours a day every day and treating them like toddlers.
Anonymous
Just started seeing someone who was formerly a professional boxer and is still very much into boxing. I like the whole spectacle of a major fight, but not the actual fighting, it freaks me out. Is this a reason that I should avoid this person or should I just chalk it up to different hobbies?
Anonymous
This wouldn’t work for me because I actively really hate boxing. If you’re more just meh not my thing I can see it being fine.
Anonymous
Complicated question. What is the hesitation? Is it that you don’t want to be with someone with different interests? Do you think this says something about him you can’t live align with? Do you not want to have to be ringside and feel he’d demand you be?
I have a similar dilemma. For me, it is about carelessness with your health and well-being. I have issues with motorcycles. I will not date someone who rides. Period. My health fanatic BF understands. But he told me a few nights ago he wants to start boxing. I understand completely what drives he is responding to, I just don’t know how I feel about it yet. I am fine with some risk-taking, and I can watch boxing, but I do not want to find myself involved with someone who suffers from CTE from chosen behavior.
Z
Boxing doesn’t necessarily mean they’re getting hit in the face all the time – there are lots of supermodels who do boxing as exercise and they definitely aren’t getting hit in the head.
Anonymous
Luck = both no disease and no injury and no life circumstance that derails your fitness. Life is long. People ignore their health, contract illnesses, suffer injuries, have genetic predispositions to degenerative conditions, neglect their own interests to prioritize those of others, perform back-breaking blue collar jobs for decades, etc. Glad to see you are here to judge them and declare yourself better at less than half their age, though.
Anon
??? this is a bizarrely harsh and off topic comment
Anonymous
It was obviously misplaced from the “complaining about old people wanting chairs” thread below.
Anonymous
True, but my BF clarified that he wants to engage in boxing matches, not just boxing training for exercise.
Anonymous
OP here. I don’t hate it in theory. I would love to be ringside in a fur coat but I do not want to watch people hitting each other (if i could dip out and go to dinner during the main event that would be fine). It’s better than MMA, I could not deal with that, way too violent. I agree that boxing workout class is totally fine but agree re the CTE element. It just feels like a sketchy pastime and violent! I think i’m inferring stuff about him from the fact he likes it so much and I don’t know if that is fair or even rational.
Anonymous
Let me give you permission to feel your feelings, which are valid. For whatever reason, this creeps you out. If boxing is an essential part of his life (and it sounds like it is), you two are probably not compatible. I couldn’t be with someone who is an avid hunter – I grew up in a family of hunters, I understand what that hobby/sport/lifestyle is about, and I am not with that, period. I couldn’t be with someone who was a serious three- or four-season sports fanatic because I don’t want to spend my life at ball games. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, but I don’t want to do it and don’t want to try to get comfortable with it to make someone else happy. A sports fanatic would be better off with someone who is more like them, vs. being with me, and I would be happier not being with them also. Someone can be a great person and very attractive and all that, and still not for you because they’re into something you find repellent.
anon
Maybe try to understand why he enjoys the sport so much- ask him how he got started, who he looks up to, etc. I would avoid jumping to conclusions he is sketchy or otherwise violent because he boxes.
Another place you could start (if this guy is worth it to you otherwise) is to try and read or listen to book about boxing- the history of the sport or key figures in boxing lore.
Anonymous
thank you! i will do this.
anon
“The Devil and Sonny Liston” and “Ghosts of Manila” are classics and I loved both even though I hate watching boxing.
Anon
You just started dating him. Give him a chance. That being said, your not exclusive so date around and have fun!
Anonymous
What are your favorite cookie recipes that can make big batches? I’m daydreaming about holiday baking and also have several families I want to bake for.
Worry About Yourself
Not a cookie, but I enjoy whipping up a batch of peppermint bark, and it’s pretty easy to make a lot of it if you have a few baking sheets. Plus, crushing the candy canes can be cathartic during a stressful season.
Daffodil
I really like Smitten Kitchen’s salted peanut butter cookies. They’re super easy to make (just 5 ingredients), and taste really good. I doubled the recipe recently and came out with 3 dozen medium sized cookies.
Anon
Makes a gazillon, though not particularly Christmassy. https://www.familycircle.com/recipe/cookies/laura-bushs-texas-governors-mansion-cowboy-cookies/
Anon
Checkerboard cookies. They’re relatively easy to make (basically a sugar cookie) but look super fancy. You can make them Holiday Fancy by not adding the cocoa, instead subbing red and green dyed sugar dough to make red-and-white and green-and-white checkerboards. Add in some peppermint bark and you’ve got a perfect holiday-themed cookie gift.
PolyD
If you can find Andes (I think that’s the brand) peppermint chips, there’s a recipe on the back for chocolate peppermint chip cookies that my colleagues ask for every Christmas.
Anon
These– https://www.momontimeout.com/cranberry-orange-shortbread-cookies-recipe/
Any type of shortbread cookie like this works like a slice and bake cookie. I make these in a food processor, and then slice and bake however many I need for the party I’m going too. They also freeze well once baked (and probably before too).
Horse Crazy
Chocolate crinkle cookies! https://www.joyofbaking.com/ChocolateCrinkles.html
Also regular sugar cookies with fun icing – the NY Times has a good simple recipe. My family has used the one from the Fannie Farmer cookbook for like 60 years – you can find it online.
SG
Mexican Chocolate Icebox Cookies, link to follow
mexican icebox
http://madaboutmaida.blogspot.com/2011/11/mexican-chocolate-icebox-cookies.html
NOLA
I make M&M party cookies with Christmas M&Ms. My students love them. It’s essentially the toll house recipe but with 1 C. brown sugar and 1/2 cup white sugar (rather than equal of each) and 1 1/2 tsps of vanilla. A flatter chewier cookie. I also make red velvet cookies with white chocolate chips (from the Nestles recipes) and oatmeal scotchies. Yum. Lots of baking to do before finals!
Telco Lady JD
Gluten Free Monster Cookies (Make ’em with red/green M&Ms!)
Ingredients (350 10-11 min, 4-5 doz.}
3 eggs
1 ¼ brown sugar
1 c white sugar
1 t vanilla
2 t soda
½ c butter
1 ¾ c peanut btr
4 ½ c GF oatmeal (additional cup can be added if desired)
1 c M & m’s
1 c Nestle choc chips
Form into 1-1/2 balls, flatten a little
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Line 2 jelly roll pans with parchment paper
Cream butter and white sugar
Mix in peanut butter, then eggs and vanilla
Add half of oatmeal and soda
Then mix in remaining oatmeal
Mix in M&m’s and chocolate chips
Anonymous
My husband and I are considering moving from our beloved old house in a walkable neighborhood before our child reaches kindergarten. The district we are currently in is very poorly rated (and several family members had terrible experiences there) and the neighboring district is considered one of the best in the state. Please trust me when I say we have explored all available public and private options.
The problem is, while we can comfortably afford a home in the new district, we’ll be buying into the bottom tier. Meaning, most of our little guy’s classmates will be much, much more wealthy than we are. I’m talking homes in north of 5 or 10 million bucks. Frankly, I’m intimidated to try to establish friendships with people in this community. I imagine they’ll look down on us and I’m worried that my child will feel left out when we’re not at the country club or the summer house. Did anyone grow up with people like this? Or does anyone send their kids to school in a wealthy neighborhood? I realize this is a “good” problem, but I’m still uncomfortable with the whole thing.
Anonymous
there are only two available school districts? Like, no. I reject your premise. It’s false.
Op
I was very clear that I’ve considered the other options. These are the districts in places I want to live. If the school district was our only concern, I agree I could find something in between. But it isn’t. Whether or not you, personally, think it should be does not make my underlying question invalid. Why do you comment in such rude and unhelpful ways?
Annie
A close friend did — I think she felt the advantages (good school! friends had giant basements to chill in!) out weighted the disadvantages (mostly feeling disadvantaged) but she’s certainly jumpier about money as an adult than I am. I grew up the opposite — my parents were not rich by any means but I felt so advantaged compared to my peers (I had my own room! we could stay in a cheap chain hotel on vacation!). I do think that was a great way to grow up. I’ve always felt comfortable and lucky.
Anon
If you are uncomfortable with it, I would suggest finding a different school district (somewhere between “poorly rated” and “the best in the state”). Kids pick up on their parents’ discomfort and issues, and the talk around the house will be absorbed far better than you expect. The flip side is that parents can have a really positive influence on their kids’ perception of the household ‘status.’ I know someone whose family couldn’t afford groceries at the end of the month, so they always ate pancakes for dinner. The kids were never told it was a matter of deprivation, so they thought everyone did Pancake Night at the end of the month and thought it was fun.
Alternatively, get deep-down comfortable with the idea that rich people are still people, and people who look down on other people for their incomes (or lack thereof) aren’t worth your time anyway.
Pragmatically, many of the really, really rich kids go to private school (yes, even if they are in towns with great school districts), so you’ll see a bit less of that crowd than you might expect.
Anon
Are you sure that those families with homes north of 5 or 10 million send their kids to the local public schools? In my city, the families with that kind of money are all sending their kids to the very good private schools. IME, the public school will have a lot of upper middle class families but not the truly wealthy.
Anonymous
Was going to say this. The folks in the $5 million houses in my community send their kids to private school; putting their children in public school is unthinkable for those families. Even highly rated magnets and charters aren’t good enough. In our experience, the only rich kids who end up in public school are the ones who flunked out or were thrown out of their private schools – and yes, those kids have issues, obviously.
OP, we chose to avoid the private high school many people in our community send their kids to for the same reasons you’re talking about in your post – there are kids at the private school who think a ski vacation has to involve going to Gstaad, who get brand-new BMWs for their 16th birthday, and whose families have multiple household helpers to clean the house, make dinner, etc. That’s not real life for most and it’s certainly not our real life, and I did wonder about how that would affect him – being around super-rich kids when at best, we are upper-middle class. I also heard from people who sent their kids there and then pulled them out that the school is a pressure cooker and that drug use is rampant. There’s more than just the rating of the school district to consider – read online reviews and talk to parents to see what the school culture is like. The culture may or may not be a good fit for your child, but I think cultural fit matters more than the school’s quality ratings in many ways.
Anon
+1 to the point about drugs. Most high schools have drugs, but the schools where kids have money have more and harder drugs.
Anon
That’s not a blanket rule. Some kids at my poor high school did meth – something I never even heard vague rumors of at the rich schools. Those kids smoked pot like everyone else and in more recent years have done molly at concerts.
anon
I went to a ritzy prep school and nobody did drugs, although they drank a lot. Drug use was heaviest at rural high schools in my area.
Anon
Not OP but in certain pockets of the Bay Area there are plenty of kids in $10 million homes in public school. I can easily see this post being about the Palo Alto school district.
anon
I would try to find out more about the particular school community, because it could go different ways.
Many of the houses in the district for my kid’s school are in that price range. However, there are also children who live in very modest homes (still pricey), subsidized housing, and are other communities who bussed in.
So far, the families are wonderful and care a lot about creating an equitable school experience for all. Almost all school expenses, like supplies and field trips, are covered by the PTA. Those who can give more do so.
Anon
I grew up in a small town in the greater Bay Area that is adjacent to significant wealth. My school was the poor, rural, farming school not far from some of the Bay Area’s top private schools, some of which we played against in scrimmages. There were times when we were flabbergasted at the size and fanciness of their gyms or grounds, but it was ultimately not a big deal in my life. Maybe it would have been different if I was a poor kid actually attending one of those rich schools.
However, I think it’s generally a good thing for your kids to be around high-achieving kids and their families. They’ll push up the offerings in the school, encourage academic success, etc. As long as your life is balanced and you still have friends from all walks of life, your family will be fine. I’m a firm believer that there are jerks in every socioeconomic class and that you shouldn’t write off an entire experience because of the risk of running into them and/or comparing yourself to them.
Anon
I come at this from the opposite – I was very much the kid at the top of the financial food chain, and it was awkward. I think the goal is to be in the middle – not exactly, but somewhere between the 25th to 75th percentile. Of course folks will always be at the top and at the bottom, but in an ideal world, that’s what I’d want for my kid, to not be the richest or the poorest. Those middle school/teenage years are so hard, and I remember just wanting to be “average”.
I would also echo what another poster said – unless your city is wildly different than mine, a lot of those kids wind up going to private school regardless of how good the district is, so you might be surprised at what the demographics look like. I’d also say, if the school is big enough, I’d worry less too – there are enough people, they’ll find their tribe.
anon
What I’d worry about most is my kids growing up thinking that that level of wealth and privilege is normal. I’m not saying don’t move there, but you will have to be very mindful about pushing back on that.
Anon
This.
Anon
Why is it terrible if the kid thinks that level of wealth and privilege is normal? He can then aspire to that level of wealth — and the privileges that come with it — for himself. That’s bad, how?
Anon
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with aspiring to that level of privilege, but thinking it’s normal is not synonymous with aspiring to it.
Anonymous
Well, it’s bad if you don’t want to raise a kid who values wealth and material success.
Anon
Because he will feel cheated out of life when he doesn’t get it.
There are a lot more people who think they deserve/are entitled to earn seven-figure salaries than there are jobs available that pay that much.
Also, as a pragmatic matter, the ability to take lower-paid jobs, work two jobs, work one job while developing skills on the side, etc., can be crucial to moving upwards. I know a lot of very successful people, and many of them had some pretty brutal lean years. Even if the years aren’t “lean” by normal standards, there are people who take massive pay cuts in order to advance their careers (think leaving your law firm to become a federal judge).
anon
Because thinking it is “normal” is detached from reality. Not only is it detached from reality, but living in that unreality blinds the child to facts about the actual world in which he or she lives, which does no one any good.
You can be aspire to wealth and also recognize that it’s not normal. Can’t understand how you made that logical leap. Perhaps you are thinking of the word “attainable.” (Which still needs a healthy dose of reality– it does a disservice to a child to set them up assuming they’ll acquire the same level of wealth.)
Anon
Because that’s how you end up like my douchebag ex, who was born on third base and thought he hit a triple.
Anon
Thinking it is normal = feeling like he/she is Entitled to it.
And then being disappointed/mad/worse when that doesn’t automatically happen.
– From someone who is dealing with a niece who has exactly this issue
Anon
Not what you asked for, but I specifically chose NOT to move into a district like that. I did not want my children to grow up and think our mid-6-digit HHI was somehow poor or not enough. We are objectively wealthy by all but that district’s standards and I didn’t think our home values could overcome 13+ years of that kind of social pressure.
Everyone has their own values and tradeoff decisions and makes the best decision they can, so I’m not knocking people who chose to buy in those neighborhoods. But wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in uncomfortable feelings about it.
Anon
This is a know your kid/what you think your kid will become – situation. Which is hard at age 4. I grew up solidly middle in a good district but there was a LOT of upside in that town. That doesn’t mean that we participated in the upside — we had a regular house; just because everyone went on vacation doesn’t mean we did — we went away like 3 times in 18 years. But for me it was a motivator by age 10 — to have the big homes, the fancy car, stay in hotels all the time etc. I knew my parents couldn’t provide it, so I knew I had to do what I needed to do to end up at the rights college and a $$$ profession. And even now — I’m motivated not only to earn $ at my job but through investments etc. It’s not always a bad thing to be around wealthy people.
Anon
My parents did this. For me, I think the pros outweighed the cons.
Pros: I was above-average academically in high school. The high school I went to had a lot of smart kids, academic teams, and AP classes. I always knew I was one of the smart kids, but I always had competition, felt stimulated, etc. I never thought I was the smartest kid. I made a few B’s in high school. If I had gone to the school district we had been in, I would have been the smartest kid and probably would have had to take classes at a local college for part of high school and probably would not have had the same friends and mostly normal high school experience I had. Most of my friends were other smart kids whose parents had moved into the area because of the school system, so I never had money issues with friends or felt poor around my friends.
Cons: Weird ideas about money. My parents were solidly middle class to lower-upper middle class. We generally took yearly vacations– but I remember being very conscious that a lot of kids I went to high school with took yearly ski trips. (Big deal if you live in the South). We also didn’t go to the same ritzy beach towns those kids did, and I didn’t go to Disney World until I was older. My mom also generally bought me off-brand clothes– all the other kids had a Razor scooter and Birkenstocks and I had off-brand. The other kids shopped at mall stores, and I shopped at Target. In college– I had a lot of friends whose parents were less well off than me, and it was really a reality check for me to realize how well off my parents had been (and how extravagantly well off my high school classmates were). I definitely got over that as an adult, but it was definitely a weird thing for me in college.
Anon
Adding on– I agree with the poster above that this experience made me more motivated to do well and make money as an adult. It showed me the things that I could get for my family if I had the money to do so. However, coming from a family that wasn’t wealthy, I also realize when things are and aren’t worth it to spend money on more than some of my friends that have always been well off.
Anonymous
I was the “poor” kid in the wealthy school district (this is relative, my family was actually quite comfortably upper middle class). And by wealthy, I certainly don’t mean high-achieving kids – these were the type of kids who fully expected to skate by on their parents’ money. So, I was bullied for not having the right clothes, family not being a member of the local country club, actually putting effort into my schoolwork, etc. I actually had classmates tell me in elementary school that they didn’t invite me to their birthday parties because my “parents weren’t rich enough.” Know your kid, and know what type of school district culture you might be getting into. I think I would’ve done better socially had the district been wealthy but full of kids were were high achievers. I absolutely hated school until I got to high school – the local public high school was a LOT more economically diverse than my own neighborhood, and most of the kids I’d gone to grade school with went to private high schools, so I didn’t have to deal with them anymore.
Anon
That sounds bizarre and rare. Usually if the rich kids are going to look down on you, it’s not going to be with a literal “you’re not rich enough” to your face. OP, I don’t think you need to worry about that as a likely outcome of putting your kid in the richer school.
UGH
There are several examples of people who had similar experiences, so obviously you are incorrect
Anonymous
I grew up the poorest around super rich (private plane, second home on Nantucket, main home in Connecticut). I hated it and I think it contributed to some problems I have (it definitely wasn’t the only problematic part of my childhood, and your marriage and life sounds solid unlike my mom’s). I felt awkward and dirty a lot, my mom was ashamed she couldn’t take us skiing over Christmas, etc. I wouldn’t wish those feelings of inferiority on my kids and in fact my kids go to public school, maybe it’s a little rough and tumble but I’d rather they encounter direct aggression rather than the soul-killing passive aggression that white private school kids have.
And i would NEVER leave my current walkable neighborhood.
There’s a certain intellectual uncuriousness that comes from being the beneficiary of a system that I don’t want for my kids. My poorer friends question more and seem to have higher ambitions in the change-the-world mode; my richer friends just want to carry on doing whatever the family does (or rebelling in a very ski-bum way).
Your child will internalize the idea that money=worth, that racism is just black people complaining, and that the system works fine as it is so why change it… and that their “lower” place in the system is due to you and your spouse’s “lower” worth. Is that what you want?
Seventh Sister
Honestly, moving into the ritzy school district sounds intimidating but if it’s your only choice, I guess you have to try and make the best of it. Though my parents weren’t always the best at everything, one of the things they always emphasized was “no kid is rich, their parents have money,” and “rich people aren’t better than the rest of us.” That said, I grew up pretty upper-middle class in an area where the only “rich” families were local property developers, not hedge fund managers. Also, kids are funny. My middle school classmates thought my family was poor because I never had “designer” clothes or brand-name juice boxes. Nope, my mom was just cheap!
If I was in your shoes, I’d consider staying in the house you love and exploring: (1) whether you could stand the local K-5 school (tour, ask questions, talk to current parents) (2) think about private sectarian school (Catholic schools are often way more economically diverse than other private schools), and (3) look at charter/magnet/permit options. No school decision is forever.
Related: I have two kids (8 & 11) who go to an urban, fairly well-regarded public school and attend church with a number of kids who go to super-elite private schools (the kind where the “class mom” was on the cover of Vogue and so-and-so’s dad won two Oscars last year). These private school kids? Seem fine. They’re not talking about Plato while my kids are unable to form complete sentences in response to Sunday School questions. Whatever they are paying for at that private school, they aren’t giving out IQ points at the organic garden bar.
Anonymous
Agree! Our local private schools (approximately $20K/year in a LCOL area) publish an annual list of the colleges their graduates will be attending. It’s….underwhelming. The vast majority are the same colleges attended by our public school graduates. In some cases, the parents of the private school graduates will pay less for college than they did for high school (kid will attend the state public college, which costs less than $20K -including room and board) for in-state applicants.
Seventh Sister
When I look at the college matriculation lists for our local privates, they aren’t super-impressive. Some Ivies, some SLACs, but plenty of not-very-selective private colleges and a fair number of places with nearly open admission. Not terribly different from public high schools in middle-class areas.
Anonymous
I moved out of an area like this. I couldn’t take or compete with the over the top birthday parties. First time we went to another child’s home for a play date and my child said “How many families live here”. Everyone looks at us like we were losers.
Anon
My husband was one of the “poor” kids in his elite private high school in the Midwest. He had a really good experience. He was a top student academically and had a circle of friends who were all good students in the honors/AP classes together. His best friend was actually one of the wealthiest kids in the class – the family had hundreds of millions and owned a private jet and several vacation homes. Maybe it was easier for him as a guy, and I suspect the modest Midwest culture (even the wealthiest people aren’t as flashy about it) probably helped too. His younger sister went to a less-academic private prep school in Manhattan (for rich kids who didn’t have the academic skill sets for Dalton, etc.) and had a terrible experience. His parents ended up buying her a $1,000 purse they really could not afford because she was being tormented for being the only girl in her class without a designer bag.
Sarabeth
Not exactly the same, but I went to a private prep school where my upper-middle-class family was definitely in the bottom 10%. I hated it, despite the undeniable academic advantages. Really wish my parents had found a middle ground.
Anonymous
From grade 6 onwards I went to a private school because my parents prioritized school fees over *everything* else. I wore second-hand uniforms, couldn’t afford to go on field trips or do the expected extras like music/dance/gymnastics lessons or sports that required special equipment, and just nodded along as my classmates talked about their lives which bore absolutely no resemblance to mine. I definitely had moments of angst but I think it was easier because I was older. Everyone eventually learns that life is not about what you have, so I probably learned that a little earlier and it became easier as it sunk in.
Anon
Hesitating to comment but my parents did exactly this. I grew up with a family that had a HHI of around 80-125 k and went to middle and high school in a district where the HHI was north of 325k and the majority above 1m/yr. I did fine because I had had other experiences prior, but it was rough for me. I encountered a lot of people who were not particularly talented or intelligent who to this day are advantaged compared to me because of their parent’s network and ability to financially back them (I’m in my 30s). It made me a bit cynical. I had a much younger brother, and clearly remember a friend in his 1st grade class – whose family had about the same HHI as ours – asking their parent at a dinner ‘dad, why are we poor’?. I never felt poor, but I also never felt the same as my classmates who had 5 vacation homes. Maybe it would be useful to your kid to expose them to that, maybe if your kid makes a lot of friends it will benefit them, maybe not. I would instead choose the district that actually has the best *education*. Mine did not.
Anon
I moved into a similar suburb, and one consideration is the quality of people. They’re rich, but they may not be good. The parents are snobby, cold and play by a set of rules that I do not understand. It can be pretty isolating, although I eventually found my people.
Anon
Combined question re working out and aging. Is there a medical reason that older people (60-70s) need to sit more or is it just part of aging?
Was at a wedding this weekend that was relatively disorganized so it was an hour of standing around for the ceremony to start, another 2 hr between the ceremony and reception. There was little seating and the competition for seats in the 60-75 year old crowd was fierce — at one point there were like 6 people on one small sofa. Granted in any population there will be people with back/leg issues and/or other health problems that have lessened their strength.
But for the rest — is it just aging, does the core get weaker, or is it just being not used to standing — as most were suburban retirees who spend their days on newspapers and TV though probably do the dr recommended walking etc. More importantly can this be prevented? Because with all their friends looking for seats, the brides parents (mid 70s) were on their feet practically all day except the ceremony and dinner and then tore it up on the dance floor. Is it just a matter of luck or remaining active etc?
Anonymous
Wow what a rude wedding.
Anon
I haven’t been to this disorganized of a wedding in a LONG time — like literally the last one I remember like this was around age 9 back when we went back to the old country for my uncle’s wedding and the old country isn’t a wealthy place, there weren’t wedding planners etc. at that time. And even in those old country weddings though there were TONS of chairs brought in — frankly you spent most of your time sitting in plastic folding chairs doing nothing AND there was a TON of very good food (which this wedding lacked as well).
rosie
I’m not super fit but am in decent shape in my mid-30s and would not have been comfortable with this amount of standing, particularly in wedding attire. I generally think standing for long periods of time can be uniquely taxing — like I can feel better after walking for miles than standing around looking at museum exhibits for an hour or two.
Worry About Yourself
I feel that, I’m 30 and I work out multiple times a week, I would not like a wedding where I have to stand most of the time. At the same time, I also get that chairs can be expensive to rent, and this is where some couples have to compromise to stay on budget. I know one person is having a “picnic” wedding where most of her able-bodied, local guests will be asked to bring picnic blankets and pack their own food for the reception, only family members and people coming in from out of town will be given food and a place to sit.
Anon
Is everything else super low dollar? This just seems crazy to me.
Worry About Yourself
No, but they might be prioritizing the things that do cost a lot, and not having money left over for the little things like chair rentals.
anon
I know that there are a lot of etiquette criticisms of this type of reception, but I think the thing that really rubs me the wrong way about it is tiering the guests. I was invited to a wedding where the website noted that friends coming from a certain area could stay at the family home (no one was local for that wedding). I mean, fine to extend that invitation to some of your guests, but do it privately. It made me really question why I was bothering to attend. I think I’d feel similarly if I sat on a blanket I brought and ate my own food while other guests were actually hosted at the same event.
rosie
Um, that’s not a good example of a gracious host. I’d be annoyed if the couple had $$$$ outfits or really fancy photography but couldn’t give me a chair. They don’t have to get the fancy chairs with satin covers, but come on.
Anon
I can see going to a wedding like this if the couple is paying for it themselves and have low incomes, such as in public service or something, and just doesn’t have the money and isn’t spending much at all on a wedding. But going to a wedding where the couple is spending a decent amount of money but decided to not prioritize chairs or food for all their guests, effectively creating a caste system of guests — nope, I would be skipping that wedding.
Telco Lady JD
This is nuts. I recently got married, and this was a requirement for our cocktail hour. A CHAIR FOR ANYONE WHO WANTED ONE. Both my and my husband’s parents were there, along with some of their elderly friends. And we had a few people who had health issues, along with a couple of very pregnant women. I don’t understand going to all the trouble of hosting a party and then making your guests uncomfortable.
Housecounsel
I think it’s definitely remaining active, eating well and controlling weight, not smoking, all that healthy lifestyle stuff. My mom is almost 80. She has a personal trainer. She recently had a knee replacement, and before that, worked on strengthening exercises so she could bounce back from the surgery. She spent just a few days in a rehabiliation facility, but there were people there the same age and the same surgery who spent weeks recovering enough to go home.
Cat
Yes, physical fitness still plays a role! My 60+ mom and 70+ MIL go several hours between sitting down daily. They’re both active and eat a healthy diet. Part of it is luck – no disease – and part of it is taking care of your body.
Anonymous
Luck = both no disease and no injury and no life circumstance that derails your fitness. Life is long. People ignore their health, contract illnesses, suffer injuries, have genetic predispositions to degenerative conditions, neglect their own interests to prioritize those of others, perform back-breaking blue collar jobs for decades, etc. Glad to see you are here to judge them and declare yourself better at less than half their age, though.
Cat
what? Attributing part of “aging energy levels” to luck, and part to your own lifestyle choices, is judging?
Anon
I kind of feel this. My fitness level went way down after I broke my leg. I’m still struggling to get it back, and it’s a LOT harder now that I’m in my 50s, plus my leg still hurts, and now other things hurt, like plantar fasciitis and arthritis in my knee. There is definitely luck and some genetics at play here.
It’s easy to judge when you’re younger but you don’t know what it’s going to look like when you get older.
And yeah, I would want that chair or something to lean against if I were expected to stand around for an hour.
Cat
yeah, I was agreeing with you — both my mom and MIL are lucky in that they have not had disease or injury prevent them from maintaining their activity levels. Was puzzled at the Anonymous above saying “glad you are here to judge them” when I acknowledged the role of luck… anyway, moving on.
Anonymous
The “judging” comment was not directed to you but to the OP. Sorry. I see that it is confusing.
Anonymous
IDK not that old but my feet take standing much worse compared to when I was young. Even in non-cute shoes.
Worry About Yourself
I do think fitness can help prevent the need to sit down, but I’m getting seriously hung up at a wedding with lots of downtime and not enough seats for the people who needed them!
Anon
It’s genetics and remaining active, probably in equal measure. I have known 80-year-olds who couldn’t walk around the block and 80-year-olds who bought new skis to last for the next 10 years. It can be so, so different for each person, but there is a lot that we can do to stay strong and healthy as we age.
Anon
This. I know an 80 year old that still works full time with a 1.5 hour commute each way. I know 70-72 year olds who are still practicing medicine in high stress specialties which means being on night calls and being on their feet all the time walking through enormous hospitals. I know 70+ year olds who still hike/rock climb — we’re not talking the woods behind their home, we’re talking trips to the Italian Alps. Luck is obviously a huge part of this and can’t be under estimated but they’ve made choices to continue to do what they always used to do.
anon
Luck, sure….but attitude towards life and having the mental fortitude to push yourself to stay active vs. some middle and older age folks I see that stop their activity at the first minor ache or pain.
anon
You may be underestimating the back/leg/health issues. It’s also pretty common for people that age to have injections, surgeries, PT, etc. to correct those issues, so some months/years are tougher than others. If the wedding has been long planned, the bride’s parents, if they had any issues, could have planned treatment around the wedding.
There’s plenty you can do to help, mainly staying active and keeping your weight down. Nothing is certain though–plenty of people who do everything right suffer from injuries, illnesses, etc., and the body’s ability to fully and quickly recovers degenerates. So genes and luck play a huge part. Your job also plays a big role. Sitting all day isn’t good for you, but neither are standing all day, straining muscles in a particular way (dentists often have neck issues), or jobs requiring repetitive motions.
Anon
Keep in mind that many commonly prescribed medications contribute to lightheadedness, orthostatic intolerance, and weakness, and that older patients can be less resilient to side effects.
Many people produce less stomach acid as they age, so deficiencies can be an issue even in people who are eating right (especially if lowered metabolism leads to lower total caloric intake). This already happened to me because of a medical condition, but I was surprised to learn that it’s considered a fairly common issue with age.
Anon
I think it has a lot to do with health, weight, and exercise habits. Heck, I know some people in their 30s who can’t really walk a mile or stand for 30 minutes without complaining.
Anonymous
Remaining active goes both ways. At our wedding, we ended up having 4 guests (age range 40-55) (out of ~150 guests total) recovering from recent ACL tears from overdoing it on the basketball court.
Anon
Fat/padding in the feet goes away as you age, so older people need more cushioned shoes and it hurts to stand for a long time.
Anonymous
+1 to this, and weddings are also when a lot of people break out their fancy uncomfortable shoes!
Anonome
Anecdotally, the older people in my family and social group who are in the best shape are the ones who took the middle ground.
The couch potatoes are in bad shape due to medical problems brought on by sedentary lifestyles. The exercise or sports fanatics are in bad shape from injuries, joints finally giving out, and general wear and tear. The people who have purposefully done moderate amounts of low-impact exercise over the long-term have best retained their full functionality.
Anonymous
I think this is right. Ours is probably the first generation of women for whom sports injuries will take a late-in-life toll. I can’t wait for all the readers here to re-convene when we’re in our 70s to see how everyone’s aged.
ceej
I think it has a ton to do with general physical conditioning. I’d say I’m sedentary, but, because I have a job, even on a slow day, I walk 3,000 steps from the house to car, car to work, around at work, back home, cooking, etc. On a slow day my 60 year old mom walks 1,000 steps because she doesn’t leave the house.
I also think wedding shoes matter here. Because I have a job, I’m used to wearing “nice shoes” 5/7 days, and probably heels or other somewhat uncomfortable shoes 1/7 days. However, my 60 year old mom wears tennis shoes 7/7 days, and only pulls out wedding type shoes 2-3 times a year. This is probably also true for the many men. Because I wear them multiple times a month, I spend $100+ on shoes like this, and make sure they fit and are comfortable. They are “broken in.” Because she doesn’t, she tends to shove her feet into shoes that are 5+ years old and don’t fit right, or buy the cheapest shoe she can (with bad support).
Anon
As someone stated above, you lose fat pads in your feet as you get older. Higher heels do actually feel more painful as you get older, even if they’re well fitted. I have pretty much given up on anything higher than 2”. I’m 5’11” so it’s not like I need the height.
Coach Laura
I’m 60 and just read the book Younger Next Year for Women – recommended to me. One of the authors is 82 and wrote it when he was ~70. He regularly bikes over the Rockies and skies black diamond runs. The authors recommend 45 minutes of exercise 6 days a week with the goal of preventing aging, falls, disease and atrophy. I’m working up to that.
Good genes help too – the second author is a doctor who died at 58 from prostate cancer, so being in shape and eating right all your life may not prevent that. And back issues, knee issues can’t always be prevented or avoided. Anyway, it’s a great book and I recommend it completely.
That said, depending on my shoes, I wouldn’t want to stand around for hours. I would be bored. Probably I’d look to change my shoes and take a walk. Or a nap.
Housecounsel
I am pretty sure I know what the answer is, but I will ask anyway. How do I persuade a very close friend to get the mental health treatment I believe she needs desperately? I see her spiraling into depression, again, and am terribly worried about her. When I tell her this and suggest she get into treatment, she agrees that she needs it but never follows through (which I realize can itself be a symptom of depression). Access to care is not an issue. Is there anything else I can do?
Anonymous
You can offer to make the appointment and drive her there.
anononon
I tried to do this for my spouse. The office wouldn’t let me make the appointment on his behalf. I think they were using this requirement as a litmus test that the person was serious about treatment. (I don’t know how common this is, though.)
Anonymous
No. Be there as much as you can but when it starts taking a toll on you, give yourself permission to take space.
No Problem
Lack of follow through is definitely a symptom. If she’s in agreement that she needs help and is ok with you helping her get there, offer to help with the next steps. Research doctors/treatment plans, make plans to sit with her to make the phone call to schedule the appointment (maybe meet for lunch and make the call before you go eat), that sort of thing.
anon
Offer to help her call offices, weed out out of network doctors, or wait in the waiting room while she has her first appointment are all good starting points.
Skipper
I think you follow up your suggestion with an offer to help her set something up. Perhaps you say something along the lines of “I know finding someone and making that appointment can be really time consuming. I have some time free and would be so happy to take care of this for you.”
Anon
Do not make mental health diagnoses of other people. Honestly, unless the person is talking about killing small children or pets, non-professionals are poorly equipped to make those determinations, and it makes it harder, not easier, for people to seek mental health when their “friends” shove them into an “broken” box.
This is a very, very big issue. I posted once about this before, and have talked to mental health professionals who know that it happens and hate how it makes people not seek care: abusive people will tell their victims that they are “spiraling into depression,” “desperately” “need mental health treatment,” etc. Mental health is also used as a weapon – “you need help” is often an insult, not a suggestion from a caring friend.
Finally, her ‘agreeing’ with you and then refusing to ‘follow through’ can be her way of telling you to STFU.
Housecounsel
Food for thought. Thank you.
Anon
Counterpoint, the narrative that it’s “not that bad” as long as you’re not “killing children or pets” leads many people to never seek treatment for their very real symptoms.
Original Moonstone
Do you think she would like to visit your home for a while? If you visit her (i’m assuming it’s a plane ride away), you could bring her back to your city when you return. She would have more mental stimulation living with someone else for a week or two. She will have to baby the wrist, but could still go out if she had company to help her.
Original Moonstone
Oy, this is meant for the poster below with the mom with a broken wrist. Sorry for any confusion.
Worry About Yourself
There’s nothing wrong with encouraging a mentally ill friend to seek help, and you can say you’re worried about them and want to see them in a better place, but I would also remind you it’s not your job to make them go to therapy. You could, if you want and if it’s true, tell this friend that their depression is starting to put a strain on your friendship, and you may need to distance yourself from her if she doesn’t start getting help.
anon
Depending on how close you are to her, help her actually find a provider (this is the hardest part), schedule the appointments, pick up the meds, take the meds regularly for the first few weeks, and go back to the follow-up appointment(s). The beginning is the hardest part. I am naturally inclined to enjoy/not mind clerical and logistical tasks like scheduling doctors’ appointments but even I have a really hard time making it happen for mental health providers–especially if I haven’t seen anyone in that town, or if I didn’t like the first try. I would prioritize the psychiatrist over the therapist but not neglect either. My experience has been that a true difference is noticeable more quickly with meds. I typically have to contact five to ten therapists (leave a voicemail, wait for a return call, play phone tag if you’re in an open-plan office) to find one that has availability and takes my insurance, even when I start with the insurance list as a go-by and eliminate all the specialists at the nearby children’s hospital. It is a slog to get started for sure.
Anon
How can you help a temporarily disabled relative from afar? My mom lives alone and broke her wrist badly – apparently she can’t drive for 3 months and I imagine she will have trouble doing things like cooking. Money isn’t a big issue, but delivery services are limited in her area. She can get groceries delivered, but food delivery is very limited (things like fast food, pizza and Chinese). I’m envisioning her holed up in her house alone for several months, eating nothing except frozen entrees and that breaks my heart. I will try to visit her at least once in this interval, but obviously can’t be there for all three months.
Anonymous
Can you hire a home health care person to help her once or twice a week? Help with cleaning, shopping, cooking a meal or two and (assuming they get along well) eating with her? We did this for my grandma and she loved the person who came to help her. Or is she involved in any kind of community groups? My daughter’s dance team used to visit people who were homebound to help with chores, bring a meal, and honestly just visit with them.
Anon
How do you find such a person? I’ve had some bad experiences with care.com (for babysitting though) – are there other ways to find someone?
Veronica Mars
My longer comment is undergoing moderation, but calling to a local church and asking if I can post to their bulletin board and/or if they have any recommendations of community members who might be looking to pick up a few extra hours of work. In my relative’s case, the only institutions they have in town are a pizza place, a gas station and the church, so there weren’t really other options.
Pompom
Or research elder care services in that town, via interwebs, elder care attorney websites (some list a lot of resources), town/city/state offices that may maintain lists. For example, I have a friend with a business that almost exactly suits this kind of need: running errands, driving people to doc appointments, accompanying people to events, light housework, etc. I’m not sure how he builds his business, but I think it’s through a combination of these kinds of resources and referrals.
Anonymous
My grandma lived in a really small town and there was a local company that provided this service. Because it was a small town, we already knew the lady who came to help my grandma. My mid-size city has a bunch of these companies, so if I were looking now I would interview a bunch of them.
Anonymous
There are also agencies you can work with to hire aides.
Veronica Mars
Is the relative elderly? You may look into meals on wheels and other eldercare services (you may be surprised at everything that’s available through the government). The other option for rural areas that I’ve done before (when finding someone on Care.com wasn’t going to work) is to call around to local churches and see what they offer within the community and if you can make a job posting on their bulletin board for a errand runner/meal preparer.
Anon.
Can you get her some help around the house, a helper that can do grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking?
Anonymous
Does she have friends? A church community?
Skipper
She may qualify for Meals on Wheels. You can also contact her local Agency on Aging or whatever the state-run social work organization is called where she is. If she’s socially connected in her town, this exactly what Meal Train and similar sites are for. If there’s a high school or community college with a CNA or nursing program, you might contact them to see if they know of a reliable student or two. I would really encourage you to involve her in this decision making though. Help around these issues can be really humiliating to older adults.
Anon
Yes, it’s hard, I don’t think she wants much help. She’s older but not OLD (mid-60s), and is incredibly physical and mentally fit other than this issue, so it’s awkward.
mascot
Does she have friends who she can ask for a ride? Is public transportation available? How about Uber/Lyft or taxis? There may be some initial resistance to doing those things if she’s never done them before, but it sounds like she should be able to utilize them. Depending on how bad the break is and whether it is on her dominant arm, she may want to get a few sessions of occupational therapy and/or physical therapy so she learns how to safely maneuver through activities of daily living. Perhaps also look at fall prevention techniques in her house (no throw rugs, install grab bars for shower, etc) because if she does trip, she’s much more likely to get injured since she can’t catch herself.
anon
Can I tailor a strapless dress down a size? I know that’s generally not advisable since it messes with proportions, but the fact that it’s strapless makes me think there are fewer relevant proportions that may be an issue, and we could just take it in at the sides.
Anon
How is tailoring not advisable because of proportions…? Of course you can get a dress tailored. Tailoring wouldn’t exist if you couldn’t.
anon
I’ve read that it isn’t advisable to buy something that you need to tailor down a whole size because stuff looks weird. Like, tailoring is most effective if 1 dimension (e.g., sleeve length) doesn’t fit but not if you need proportions all around reduced. I’m thinking that in this case bc there aren’t sleeves and the design seems pretty simple, scaling down a full size (or more) won’t just end up looking weird.
busybee
I’m very small and pretty much every single dress I buy has to be taken in at least one full size in every area. I don’t think that all of my dresses look weird, so I’m pretty sure it’s fine.
Anonymous
I would not buy a dress in the wrong size and then get it tailored. Just find a different dress.
However, if you’re in a pinch and really need this specific dress and you can’t find it anywhere else – like it’s a bridesmaid dress that’s now discontinued – then sure give it a try. The problem is, you’re basically paying the tailor to remake the dress. It’s likely going to be pricey. If you don’t mind spending like $100 on tailoring and you’re comfortable with uncertain results, then go for it.
Anon
It’s the extent of the tailoring that could make it inadvisable, which OP makes clear by talking about going down a whole size.
Worry About Yourself
I’m wondering, just picturing a strapless formal gown, if the bodice has some “boning” in it that could make it very hard to alter. I say this because I couldn’t get a prom dress taken in for that reason, I had to buy a new one.
Anon
It’s hard to know without seeing it, take it into a local tailor and see what they say.
Anonymous
Its less about proportions & more about the dress being highly structured. If its strapless/designed in a way that the dress is supposed to stay up, you might have boning etc in the side seams. This will make it much more complicated to alter
anon
That’s a good point, thank you!
rosie
I got my wedding dress tailored down at least a full size. I didn’t have a huge window to order one and I was able to get the size up faster, which the store recommended. It was a corset style strapless top. The tailoring was around $150 in a LOCL area (and the dress cost around $800 IIRC). It was a lovely dress but I think it would have looked better and presumably cost less to tailor if I had been starting from a size down.