Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cocoon Blazer
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I’m the most junior member of a search committee. When reviewing questions, I found that the chair (not my direct boss, but at that level) wants to ask “if you were a flower what flower would you be and why?” type questions along with legitimate ones. What’s the best way to push back on questions that would waste everyone’s time without overstepping? Thanks for the advice!
On one hand, you’re right, those are useless questions. On the other hand, I see nothing to be gained for you personally by pushing back. The stakes aren’t high enough here to annoy the chair. Even with the dumb questions, you’ll still successfully hire someone. Save your capital for something that really matters.
I agree save your political capital for advocating for your candidate!
This. And hey, you never know, these questions are silly but you may be able to catch a glimpse of how the candidate reacts to pointless silliness and a superior’s overarching desire to be difficult for no reason, which are important work place skills. :D
Agree with the original poster that these questions are awful and agree with the above poster that it isn’t worth it to push back. Just ask your own great questions that the committee will appreciate. You could attempt to ask a question immediately after the annoying one to keep the response short and alleviate everyone’s pain.
Agreed – the question is dumb but probably not worth pushing back on. And maybe (generous interpretation) the person likes to ask it to see how the person approaches something that’s sort of weird and out of left field.
If there were more weird questions, to the point that you didn’t think you’d get a good assessment of the candidate, you could suggest a further discussion of what aspect of the candidate each interviewer should be assessing and what information (beyond a yes/no hiring recommendation) they should be bringing back to the committee – that might help wrangle questions into line.
But just one bizarre question? Not worth raising an issue.
That is a truly awful question. Who even knows enough about flowers to relate them to personal characteristics? Like I’m a daffodil because I bloom early so I’ll do a good job right away? As a candidate I would literally be turned off by a company that asked a question that awful.
Maybe suggest ‘If you were a dog, what kind of dog would you be and why? ‘ At least then people have a chance to talk about loyal, friendliness, dependability, being a pack leader, being assertive but not agressive or aggressive when necessary etc.
I’d do better with the flowers question…
Does your HR department even let you come up with your own questions? Ours requires us to ask the same set of pre-approved questions of each candidate. That could be your way out.
As a candidate, I would be very concerned about accepting a job if I had been asked what type of flower or dog I would be. It sends all sorts of negative signals about the interviewer and the company. For one thing, I’d worry that the hiring manager didn’t have a good sense of appropriate behavior in the workplace.
Agree this is a terrible question, but now I’m dying to know how everyone would reply to this question. In an interview situation, I think I’d be stunned and land on an apple blossom, because they have a great scent and make delicious (read: useful/productive) apples.
I am a dandelion. I’ll grow anywhere, some people are annoyed by me and I’m VERY difficult to get rid of.
HAHA Love it!
Daffodil – I like to just jump in and get started with things (for better or for worse). And I can flourish in a garden or on my own.
I agree. Or I am an IRIS, b/c I am trying to STRETCH to reach for the SUN, but still have a way’s to go b/c of my stubby leg’s. FOOEY!
If I had model’s leg’s, I could be so cute and MARRIED by now, but men see me onley as a professional woman that is intimeadating to them so they prefer just to be like a bee, pseudo-pollinate me, and then fly on to the next flower. DOUBEL FOOEY!
I am not a flower but a succulent; such as an Aloe Vera plant that “blooms” all year, doesn’t have a dormant or dead period and contributes constantly, while requiring little management. :P
I would be tempted to reply, “Flower? I was deflowered twenty years ago.”
Maybe this is why I’m not good at life…..
I would definitely panic and go with lemon blossom, as in, “lemon tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet, but the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat.” #donthireme!
A rose: a powerhouse admired by many and in high demand.
I’d probably just blank and not be able to name a single flower.
I sort of love these answers and now want to ask this question.
I dunno what sort of flower I am, but maybe I’d say that I’m looking for a boss who is not like a sunflower– bright, shiny, and demanding your attention, but ultimately his head is too dang big for his own good, leading to an inevitable flame out; also might be full of toxins and nuclear waste.
But actually that makes me realize I’d say: like a sunflower because I’m really good at cleaning up other people’s messes.
Aloe:
Strong and hearty and useful .
What a stupid question.
I hate those types of questions. But I agree they allow you gauge someone`s ability to think on their feet and to deal with random crap.
I am assuming that this is a senior leadership position that you are searching for. While this question may seem “dumb,” if it is for a senior leadership position, it makes sense. The question is not about the answer–the question tests how you can quickly think on your feet when presented with an unexpected situation–which occurs often in senior leadership position. If you freeze and can’t come up with any answer–that is a warning sign. If you can roll with the question and respond–that is a positive sign. Most folks have rehearsed and prepped for the standard interview questions–the answers tell you very little. But some off the wall questions reveal how a candidate will react under pressure to unexpected situations–a very important facet of leadership.
I know some people think these questions reveal a deeper truth about someone’s ability to roll with the punches or whatever – but the truth is, I don’t think it reveals anything other than the person’s ability to answer pointless, off-topic questions. And maybe their knowledge of flowers.
I agree. If you want someone to think of their feet, present them with an off the cuff situation and ask them what their reaction would be and what they would do first – it’s not that hard. And it does not involve flowers or animals.
I wouldn’t push back directly, but I would ask for guidance on what these questions are supposed to be getting at and how you should interpret the candidates’ answers. (At my last interview, I was asked what animal I would be and why there’s fuzz on a tennis ball, and then scored out of 5 on my answers. I have no idea how that was supposed to work.)
Sometimes I find I’m able to broach these topics in a sort of jokey way (this very much depends on your audience, of course). Like, “as the millennial on this team, I’ve gotta say that if we’re courting young people, we should probably steer away from this kind of question [provides link to buzzfeed article on same].”
What I would be asking myself is whether I otherwise like this job and if I should look for something else. This sort of thing would be a red flag to me.
I’m in Boston for a conference and I think I would like to skip the group dinner and get out of the hotel tonight. What would you do? I’m near Copley Square and would prefer not to take the T, am open to a short Uber ride but I have no idea if this snow will make that difficult.
If you like historical things (and/or come from a “newer” part of the country), taking a walk through Beacon Hill over to the North End could be fun. Lots of historical places and old buildings. The snow should end this afternoon, so you should be fine.
There are places within walking distance, including the public library and BOYLSTON street, where I frat guy I met in college kept inviteing me to his home for years. I could have MARRIED that schlub, but then I would just be the wife of a schlub, rather then a professional attorney at law, duly admitted and in GOOD standing under the laws of the State of New York and the Appellate Division FIRST department! YAY!!!!!!
In terms of food, walk the short distance to Summer Shack for the bourbon baked lobster. If you like small, super cozy Italian, Giacomo’s makes amazing food and it is entertainment to watch the hostess try to maximize seating in the tiny space.
I often get stressed about things that shouldn’t be a big deal. I saw adults do this growing up, and I’d like to do this less. How do you determine when something is just not worth worrying about?
Just a recent example: I had all my income in State A, except about $300 in State B. I was stressed about calculating the $300 perfectly when State B doesn’t even collect taxes! I brought this up with a friend, who was like “Just pay taxes on the $300 to State A. The few dollars saved by allocating to State B aren’t worth the time or worry.”
I’m kind of a high strung person so I’ve experienced this. I give myself a moment to have feelings and I will out loud say to myself “I am feeling ____ right now. That’s okay. It’s totally fine, but don’t let it keep you from living your life.” Then I make an executive decision about what to do, and then I find something else to occupy my mental energy with so as to stop the worry cycle.
I have mentioned this here before . . . as a person who used to struggle with major anxiety, I worked with a therapist to go down the “What’s the worst that can happen if I do X or if Y happens” path. 99% of the time, the worst thing that was going to happen is I would disappoint myself (which I also worked on). Throughout my life, even when bad things have happened, I have always turned out okay. IMO/IME, most things are not a big deal in the grand scheme of life and not worth worrying about. I forgot to include a commission on my taxes in 2014 and the IRS sent me a letter about it several years later. 5 years ago, this would have caused massive panic. Instead, I paid the money and moved on with my life. Nothing bad came of it and it was NBD.
I faced what some would consider a major life decision recently. If I went one way, my life would be drastically different. I knew what the right decision was for me and I knew that either way, I would figure it out. There have been some bumps along the way, sure, but in the end, it will be fine. I can’t spend time worrying about the what ifs because if I do, I lose focus on the right nows.
I approach every day like I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Live in the present, not the past or the future. Hope this helps!
I am also similar. Honestly, I bet you can step back and often look at your situations and determine what is really worth worrying about. What is harder to control is your response. Even when I realize that what I am stressing about is not important, it makes me feel better/releases anxiety to do everything “the right way”. This is a rough way to live and will also potentially interfere with your work life, if you stress/worry about/waste time on details that are less important which can make you inefficient. It can make you a great employee in a detail oriented field though, but can give you incredible stress when you work in a high risk profession (ex. doctor).
Also, you will soon realize that most of the world does not live this way. In fact, I was pretty surprised to see growing up how many people knowingly ignore details, fudge (cheat…) on their taxes/expenses etc.. In medicine I am regularly shocked how many small details doctors ignore, mostly because you can only worry about so many things and (this sounds awful…..), “it takes a lot to kill someone….” (a senior doctor once told me this when I was a resident…. I kid you not…..) and most small errors fall out in the wash. Yeah…
I grew up with a father who worried about everything. This stemmed from childhood poverty, his father’s early death, his mother’s severe mental illness. He saw many bad things happen, where every detail sometimes did matter, so he has heightened anxiety that he passed down to me (!). But he also grew up with values that were strong from the nuns and from his father. Never lie, always follow the law, always do your share and more when that is in your ability etc… But most people don’t live that way.
So you probably have higher anxiety levels at baseline. If you want to try to work on strategies for controlling it, you could consider some therapy. Maybe the anxiety workbook (amazon), but that might be too much for you.
Hi, are you me? ;)
I find it helpful to pause and say “Okay, what’s the worst-case scenario here?” and then usually “Okay, but what’s the worst *realistic* scenario?” The really bad outcomes are usually wildly unlikely and the plausible ones are usually either just fine, or “Oh, I can totally deal with that.” This is way better than just telling myself not to worry, because it works with the anxious side of my personality instead of just trying to stonewall it.
I take a similar to approach to what others have described. I ask myself – what’s the worst case scenario and how (un)likely is that? What’s the most likely outcome? I also ask myself if this will still matter in one week, one month, one year.
In my family, we get periods early (like 11, even on girls with 0 body fat). When I was little, I had horrible cramps (also a family trait), along with a whole host of GI issues and horribly heavy bleeding. I eventually went on the pill after about a decade of outright suffering.
As I understand it, schools are very anti-pills and don’t even want girls carrying advil (my standard dosing for decades has been a shockingly high and steady (key on steady) flow of Advil starting at the earliest hint that your period is coming). So I have bottles in my work bag, at my desk, and in my car.
What do middle school aged girls do these days? Just liberal visits to the nurse throughout the day? [And that girls just have to get over any embarassment and teachers/nurses are very understanding.] My understanding is that high school girls may get a bit more leeway, but there are some zero-tolerance places so one is always wary.
FWIW, my older daughter is 10, all of my mom friends don’t have older girls or have boys or swear that their girls won’t hit puberty until high school (I wish!).
My girls had a small bottle of Advil even in middle school. I bought them a small travel size bottle that was kept in their backpacks. In middle school they were not allowed to carry backpacks. But they kept supplies in their backpacks and then would go between classes or request a bathroom pass. Most of the teachers are very understanding. Both daughters had lots of complaints of middle school but that was not one of them. In my experience, neither middle or high school will give them Advil but don’t say anything if they take themselves. I also think a lot of girls miss school during their periods.
That’s horrible that parents would let children skip school because of a perfectly normal thing that happens every 4 weeks.
Speaking as someone whose parents did not let her stay home during her period…it’s not always great. I ended up throwing up at school, passing out in class, etc. while I figured it out. Would have been WAY easier to stay home.
It may be perfectly normal, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
This is just something that girls need to learn to handle. I got my first period at my summer job when I was 15 and it was horrible–incredibly messy and painful, digestive issues, the whole nine yards. So I walked to the grocery store at lunch to get some better tampons and Advil and just dealt with it. Teens ought to be mature enough to handle a little discomfort. Why would you want your kid to get behind in school just because of a normal biological process that she can’t change?
I think you’re taking much to strong of a position on this. Nearly all girls will be fine at school with their periods. But some truly are not, and it’s not a matter of maturity of a “little discomfort.” Be grateful that was your experience.
What a ridiculous comment. When I was in middle school, I had periods that were so strong and painful that I fainted more than once. I would have gladly traded a stomach flu for my period — why is it any worse to take a day off of school for your period than for a stomach flu? Granted, if it were to become a problem attendance wise, you might want to look into remedies like the birth control pill, but just because something happens regularly or is a natural biological process doesn’t mean it’s not extremely painful.
I think everyone can handle a little discomfort.
I think that there is a wide variety in experiences though (like with many other health conditions — some people have depression that is debilitating; some people have awful migranes).
I threw up and fainted during law school multiple times because I was pregnant, and not even my doctor ever once suggested I should stay home. This is just part of being a woman in today’s society. Expectations are higher for us.
You’re insane.
Yes- a 11 year old 6th grader definitely has the same decision making agency as a grown woman in law school. Clearly as an adult you were unable to decide if you were healthy enough to attend law school and your doctor was solely responsible for that decision. Completely rational argument.
No prizes around here for being a marytr. Feminsim isn’t advanced because you dragged yourself to law school while sick.
Thank you! I thought that supposed analogy was out of control.
Bahahaha, the all-or-nothing stance some people take here just to stir the pot is nuts. Natural =/= easy for some, even if it does for most. I am reminded of my friend from grade school – she was rail thin and suffered peri0ds so badly that she would not only faint or throw up, but her body actually went into shock and she had to be hospitalized. Even as a straight-A student, she had to miss school sometimes. And then she went onto Georgetown med school and is now an obgyn delivering babies and helping women. Allow women and parents agency to know when a medical issue should be treated.
By that logic, childbirth is a natural process– why aren’t we all giving birth at our desks?
It is perfectly normal to have a period. And perfectly normal to stay home when you are too ill to function in school (severe GI symptoms leading to urgent bathroom needs from either end; cramps that have you doubled over in severe pain; etc.).
Based on my awful periods growning up where the nurse routinely sent me home after vomiting, I often doubted whether I could hold down a job as an adult.
As I type this, I am working from home, for which I am grateful. Didn’t have that option as a kid.
Sorry, no. I went to law school and worked part-time through hyperemesis and the doctor never suggested bed rest or even taking time off. Nearly fainted several times, etc. Just suck it up and deal like everyone else.
Okay, so what happens if you do faint? I would love to know how to suck it up and deal while unconscious?
I’m not saying you don’t do what you can to make it work. I’ve had hiding places at workplaces so I lie down without being noticed so that I could keep a job. But can’t you see that you were lucky that you didn’t just pass out in front of people?
I think that if your symptoms are like IBS, you don’t say “hey, IBS is natural; I should just smile and move on.”
No more meds for depression or anxiety. They are natural.
No meds for childbirth.
No meds for cancer.
Everyone: stop your complaining and just die already (that is natural, too).
Anon @9:37 AM: I’m not sure what your point is here. Hyperemesis is, by definition, not normal. Nor are debilitating periods. Continuing to go to school or work when you’re experiencing debilitating medical issues may be something that has to happen sometimes, but it shouldn’t be the norm. I’m sorry you were in a position where you didn’t feel like you had other choices.
FWIW, I let my associate with hyperemesis work from home for most of her pregnancy, because she was dealing with an abnormal condition that made the standard work environment difficult for her. This was good for her and good for me as the employer – even if I hadn’t cared about her personally (note: I did), she was far more productive when she had ready access to a bathroom and didn’t have to run down the hall or vomit in a trash can.
Anon @ 9:37 here. My point is that many people, especially women, will experience debilitating medical issues at some point and will still be expected to continue functioning in the world. Kids need to learn some resilience and coping techniques so they can handle themselves in the adult world, where they won’t always be able to stay home even if they are seriously ill. It may not be right, but that’s the way it is.
Well, Anon @ 9:37, I’m not buying that. Resilience is one thing, “suck it up and deal” is another. You’re advising that women and girls continue to normalize their pain, and rather than search for a solution to the problem, they should “suck it up and deal.” Nope. It’s 2018. We get to feel better, we get to have our voices heard, and we matter. It applies to you too, so I hope you’re not still at risk of passing out at work. If you are, fix it. “Suck it up and deal” is not fixing it.
To the Anonymous who’s saying women should “just suck it up”:
-I’m sorry no one loved you enough when you were a child to care for you and give you empathy. That is very sad and I’m sorry it’s scarred you like this.
– I’m sorry you don’t love yourself enough to take care of yourself when you need to. That is also very sad. Therapy can help.
In my experience, “just suck it up” people are like that because they were not allowed to be weak or debilitated as children. If they got sick, no one would care for them or the care was substandard. That’s where that comes from. It is sad and people who feel like this are deserving of our empathy.
So my periods are fine now (as an adult), but when I was a kid, they were regularly debilitating. I would literally pass out from the pain and spent a lot of time in the nurse’s office, sleeping it off because the symptoms were unbearable.
As an adult, I have a wide array of birth control options available to me that keep cramps at bay. As a teen, I was put on birth control pills after I fainted (very briefly, but it was terrible) from cramps pain. And I started my period the month before my 13th birthday, so still in middle school.
Are you being deliberately obtuse? They’re not letting their kids skip school because of a “perfectly normal thing that happens every four weeks,” they’re letting their kids skip school when they feel too ill to function. The cause of feeling ill is not what is most relevant here– what matters is how they are feeling. You keep using the phrase “a little discomfort” without acknowledging that some teen girls experience far more than “a little discomfort.” (Gotta say, though, this sounds like something an MRA tr0ll would say. If you can treat your “incredibly painful” period symptoms with advil and “better tampons,” then you’re not experiencing the worst that many women do.)
The cause is absolutely relevant. You only skip school if you are going to make other people sick or if you are going to make yourself sicker by going. Otherwise you go to school. Staying home won’t stop your period or fix your cramps, so go to school and keep up with your classes.
Now you’re just making stuff up. There’s no rule that you only skip school if you’re contagious or if school will make you sicker (and what does that even mean?). You skip school if you are too sick to learn. Writhing in pain at your desk is not “keeping up with your classes,” plus it’s disruptive to other students (who, unless you are contagious, are irrelevant in whether or not you go to school, but you brought it up, so if we’re deciding women’s issues based on the rights of others, then consider that others will be disrupted if my daughter passes out and slams her head into the desk on the way to the ground.)
Presumably it’s because you don’t feel well and can’t concentrate and don’t want to vomit or pass out in front of your peers? I mean if you’re getting chemo, staying home won’t fix your cancer.
Are you all the same lawyers who brag that you work through vacations and illnesses?
Perhaps get your daughter on a better diet that is lower in dairy and sugar? Possibly animal proteins. My family was like yours, periods at 10 y/o, early hystos…I broke the cycle. It can be done.
Yeah they just go to the nurse. Also talk to the doctor about getting a higher dose so they aren’t popping pills constantly. 8 Hour Advil exists and then they can take before and after school.
I’ve also had good results with those stick-on thermacare patches. Those don’t show under clothes and can provide some additional relief.
Those things are amazing.
+1
This. You just take a long acting, and have emergency meds in your locker.
Yep. When I first got my period (~13/14), the cramps were debilitating. My mom took me to her OB who did *not* do an internal exam, thankfully, but prescribed prescription strength painkillers (tylenol or advil – can’t remember) because OTC stuff just wasn’t strong enough. I don’t think I took additional pills during the school day. Maybe you can reach out to your doctor and talk about it.
Aleve tends to last a bit longer for me (though everybody’s different). If I take two first thing in the morning, it generally works until mid afternoon. Bravo to you for noting a pattern in your family and having an idea of what to expect. My mom always had an easy time of it and had no idea how to help aside from Tylenol (worthless for me).
Vioxx was the only thing that could get me through a full day and was a damn miracle drug for me. It was a sad day when it was pulled from the market.
+1 – Kudos to you for noticing and handling this. My mom had light easy periods, and got them much later. I got mine at 11 and regularly had to be picked up by my dad (who worked at home and was the on call parent) all through middle school after vomiting, debilitating pain, etc. etc. because my mom refused to let me stay home. That was SUPER fun for both of us I can assure you.
Find your school and district’s written policies. In our district, carrying any medication, including Advil, leads to automatic expulsion. The only way for a student to take Advil during school hours is for the parent to bring it in and leave it at the nurse’s office with a permission slip. For non-prescription medications, the parent’s signature on the permission slip is valid for two weeks, or a doctor’s signature is valid for the entire school year. The child has to go to the nurse’s office to take the medication. There is a very limited list of medications (epi-pens, asthma inhalers, insulin) that can be carried and self-administered with a doctor’s permission, and Advil is not one of them.
Adding…skipping school is not an option because missing 10 days over the course of the year equals automatic failure of all courses.
Even with a doctor’s note? That seems illegal.
Yep.
I agree. I can’t see how that’s legal.
If you have enough sick days in a row, you get placed on home instruction – I don’t see how that would work with a menstrual cycle, but missing 4-5 days of school per month over a 10 month school year sounds like it would cause a major disruption to one’s education.
My math is off because most likely many of the period days would fall on weekends, and maybe it’s just the first couple of days of the period that are the worst. But a lot of things we think are “illegal” are not.
How on earth does this even work? Are you saying I would have automatically failed instead of graduating at the top my class? Why do we tolerate these policies from our schools?
I almost experienced this. I had a 4.0 and was in a bunch of honors and AP classes, but I had mono and parvovirus (I’m not a dog, I swear!) during my senior year and the guidance office seriously threatened not to let me graduate and to make me sit in summer school to make up days. I had a doctor’s note for every absence. I flew off the handle with guidance, the principal, my favorite teachers, everyone I could think of, and they made an exception because (IIRC) I could substantiate that my teachers were sending work home with me and they counted it as “home instruction” or something similar on certain days.
I think that medical absences are one thing (so if my kid has a fever or is throwing up, they take my word for it; if we have over some quantum, maybe we need a note after that). We count those as excused absences.
Skipping school is an unexcused absence. If you have >5 of those, then you are In Trouble and will need to pacify your district somehow. If you are going to Caracas to visit relatives, that is one thing (usually written off as “educational travel,” etc.). If you just cut classes or whole days, you are in trouble for truancy. Often, kids around here miss school due to fears of ICE raids, etc. So no one in my urban public school system would crack down to hard on a kid who is trying to attend school.
I am the one with the 10-absence limit. Excused absences count towards the limit. Unexcused absences are another issue and will end you up in juvenile court on a CHINS petition.
That is cray.
Sometimes I think that being a lawyer is a whole lot of useless skills (unlike, say, doctors or pilots). All I do is shove papers around.
And on days like this I am reminded that the law is a helping profession (and something are crazy enough to make it so that people need someone to stand up and take a stand (and push some MORE PAPERS around).
Bring it.
I’m surprised there hasn’t been a huge lawsuit already! That is insane.
Students in your district have to go to the nurse for an Epi-Pen? What if they have an anaphylactic reaction during a class change and can’t get through the hallway? They’d be dead before they got there.
FWIW in all schools doctor’s note on file allows the school nurse to dispense either prescription or nonprescription meds.
Yup, you get it from the nurse unless she’s comfortable breaking the rules. But if she really is debilitated, there are other things you can do these days. Doctors don’t all write it off as normal like they used to – if she’s throwing up, they can put her on a pill. People get weird about it but there’s nothing medically wrong with a middle schooler taking it if they need to.
I don’t trust the medical advice on this topic. There is a long and recent history of medicine and public health weighing the risks of birth control against the risks of unplanned pregnancy, even when the patients are weighing the risks against things like PMS and acne. The pill suppresses hormone production. If there’s an underlying issue, it can continue to get worse while the pill covers up the symptoms. In cases like these, taking the pill is just kicking the can down the road. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need, but it’s not good medicine.
I sort of do. The pill mimics pregnancy. Sadly, being pregnant was the only thing that got rid of my awful periods (and they weren’t any better after having had a v-delivery).
FWIW, in terms of physical awfulness:
middle school periods (less medical knowledge, less handy supplies of meds, more GI symptoms, cramping extending to thighs/back; often wildly overshooting capacity of pads and tampons and needing changes of clothes and becoming anemic)
high school/college periods (before going on the pill for this)
v-delivery WITH pitocin but WITHOUT epidural (b/c periods last for days and active labor was only a few hours and them the pain was over LIKE THAT)
periods as an adult (heavily medicated so symptoms were like a 2-4 most days on a pain scale, not 7-9)
What do you think is a better course of action?
Ugh, I remember middle school periods being just like that.
It’s all about measuring pros and cons. I personally get insulin resistance, anxiety, and depression on the pill, and that would not have improved adolescence for me. (As an adult, I can treat those side effects, but I can’t treat the premature aging, loss of libido, and painful intercourse as effectively!)
All of those side effects combined were still worth taking the pill at times… until a doctor suggested taking magnesium and zinc and a good B-complex vitamin. Now my periods are normal, and I don’t need anxiety meds or blood sugar meds or even acne meds anymore.
I feel like it was just luck that those suggestions worked, but now I wonder why no one tried harder to figure out what was wrong in the first place.
Yes, the pill is just a cover up for the real issue…poor diet. A day will come when she will have to face this head on, so sooner will be better than later.
Hey, obvious t r o l l – be less obvious next time. Challenge us.
FYI, periods that are so painful you are fainting, writhing in pain, or unable to fulfill your school and work duties are NOT NORMAL. Women’s pain has been minimized and normalized so much in the past, but we know more now. The only reason your daughter should skip school related to her period is because you are taking her to her doctor to get her abnormal pain levels thoroughly examined ASAP. Otherwise, she should absolutely have Advil on hand for light discomfort.
+1. Still so impressed by my friend who took herself to PP for endometriosis when she was 13.
I mean, that’s fine and all, but I went to the doctor several times during my teen years for period pain, begging for something stronger I could take and was basically shut down every time since it was “normal.” Women’s pain is still being ignored.
But when were your teen years? I think the point is that even ten years ago, women and girls were expected to just deal with it. But now, today, we are taken more seriously.
I had a similar experience, but if that were happening to my daughter now I would have the ability to change doctors – as many times as it took to get someone to take her seriously.
I just don’t believe that things have changed that much when it comes to how the medical profession treats women’s pain.
I tend to agree with this. I hate that we’re just supposed to accept that with our s3x comes agony (see poster above for part of the problem). In the same way I’m not sending my kid to school with an ankle she can’t walk on, or a migraine, or whatever, if she’s in too much pain to function because of her period, we’re gonna get that checked out and try to get the pain under control.
Here is some good info: https://www.floliving.com/natural-cures-cramps/
No, sorry, “eat almonds instead of advil” and “rub essential oils on your stomach” is not good advice. pass.
So I started my period when I was 9, the summer before I started 5th grade. We had no lockers, because 5th grade. My mom brought a stash of emergency supplies and asked my teacher to keep them for me. I was mortified, but glad they were there.
It sounds like you should talk to the school nurse to get the scoop on what is and is not allowed.
I got my period on the first day of 6th grade (welcome to middle school, lol) at 11 and 1/2. I had terrible cramps with associated unpleasant GI symptoms until I went on the pill in college. All of the other women in my family got their periods similarly early with very severe cramps as young women.
Things that helped dramatically were staggering tylenol and advil, taking WAY more advil than was recommended for someone my size (I only weighed like 75 pounds when I started my period and switching from the kids dose of advil to 3 adult advil was clutch), and keeping on top of the pain (take advil and tylenol on a set schedule even if you don’t feel like you need them right at that very moment).
If your daughter can’t take any pills at school, consider asking her MD about dosing aleve instead. It’s only taken twice a day and would avoid having to go to the nurse – which would have mortified me (I know for no good reason, but ya know, middle school).
I also probably should have just gone on the pill way earlier. It was life changing. I went off hormonal contraception in my late 20’s and now have just mild cramps, the same happened to my mom. bodies are weird.
Are you kin to me?
3 advil is what I regard as a minimum dose.
I also did the staggered Tylenol/Advil thing and it worked well for me. Like any sort of pain management, you have to stay ahead of the pain because you’ll never chase it down. I’d be sure she knows how to manage her doses while at school so as not to go over the maximum amount on either.
Yes, I needed the adult dose of advil (I was 10). Not sure if the school nurse will dose that though…
The school nurse doesn’t make these decisions. She administers medication (prescription or nonprescription) provided by the parents in accordance with a doctor’s note.
My period laughs at one Aleve 2X/day. Thankfully I’ve got something of an iron stomach, so 2 Aleve at wake up, one at lunchtime, one around 5 and two right before bed keeps it under control. I figured out what works for me after 30 years just as perimenopause is starting to kick in. Go figure.
My boyfriend’s family goes on a ski/snowboard vacation every year, and I just got invited to one this upcoming winter. I snowboarded some in high school, and could get myself down the mountain on a straightforward run as long as I took my time…but I’m 30 and I haven’t been on a board since I graduated from high school.
How is this going to go for me? My boyfriend and I talked about getting a cabin at our local mini-mountain for a weekend so I can re-learn before the big week. They mostly ski, but I’ve only snowboarded. Should I try to learn how to ski? I’ve heard it’s easier to pick up. Any other tips? Ideas to minimize the embarrassment of being a grown woman having to go back to ski/snowboard school with all the eight year-olds?
Everyone knows that I’m going to be there for some easier runs and kicking off the apres-ski, but we’re an athletic crew and I don’t want to totally humiliate myself…
Skiing is so much easier than snowboarding, especially for adult beginners. If I were you, I’d sign up for ski school at least the first couple mornings of the trip. You will have a lot more fun that way.
I’d save your money and ski the pre weekend. Just sign up for ski school during the ski week. You won’t be with 8 year olds and there is nothing remotely humiliating about it. Wear a helmet.
+1 Do some lessons, at least at the beginning of your trip. People are learning this all the time and you won’t be with kids. And depending how good he and his family are, they won’t want to ski with a beginner. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but they won’t want to ski with you the whole time.
I’m definitely aware that we won’t be together the whole time! Not harsh at all.
I did learn skiing as an adult. There were plenty of tourists and folks from warm countries who had never learnt to ski! Not with kids and not remotely embarassing, even though I fell on my bu11 many times!
I just got back from a five-day skiing trip with my boyfriend and my family. BF had never skiied before. There is NO SHAME in ski school–there are adult beginners who both ski and snowboard. He went to ski school, and it worked out great. It let me ski more advanced slopes, while he figured out skiing. Our trip went really well with this approach. We had a great time, and my BF is now obsessed with skiing…so hopefully your trip will go well too!
If you’re going to a ski destination (I’m thinking Colorado/Utah), it wouldn’t be a bad idea to go to the local mountain, but also probably not necessary if you take a ski lesson. The ski instructors in ski destinations teach people all day, everyday.
I don’t think it’s an issue if you want to continue to snowboard, but since it’s been a while, you could also switch to skiing. I’ve heard that snowboarding is harder to learn but easier to master, while skiing is easier to learn, but harder to master.
Thanks! I’m looking forward to it. I enjoyed snowboarding a lot back in the day, but it was more a hobby I did with friends, rather than something I was intrinsically motivated to do myself.
They’re planning to do Vermont this year instead of someplace out west, so that should be a little more chill from what I understand. I think we’re pretty set on doing a pre-trip weekend, since my boyfriend is always looking for reasons to get to the mountain anyway and I’d rather get all of the major falls and soreness out of the way before the big week.
That’s what I’ve heard about skiing vs. snowboarding as well. Guess I’ve got plenty of time to decide what direction I want to go in!
Why would you think that ski school is only for 8 year olds? Not all of us grew up with the means to ski or snowboard. If your bf or his family are judgmental about your ski/snowboard abilities, I say f**k them.
+1. Not everyone has the access to ski/ snowboard, either. I learned to ski at 20 on a trip with my then-bf’s family, and then had to re-learn a few years later when I started dating my now-husband, whose family goes skiing every year. You won’t be the only adult learner. If you want, you can spring for some one-on-one or small group adult lessons.
On skiing with a more advanced SO: What makes us happiest is if we do the first few easy runs of the day together, husband gets warmed up, then I ski some nice gentle green and blue runs with his grandmother (!) and wobble off for lunch and quality time with her, while he and brother go off cliff-jumping or whatever it is they do.
Slight digression, but something I’ve always found interesting: I (like you) associated skiing/snowboarding with wealth because I grew up some place where you had to travel a long way to do those things and they were therefore hobbies that only rich people did. Then I moved to some place where there was a ski area within a 20-minute drive and lift tickets and lessons were cheap – it was the weirdest adjustment for me to realize that there are places where skiing and snowboarding are normal, middle-class winter activities.
(It was the same thing with sailing – I grew up far from the ocean and thought only rich people had sailboats. Then I lived in a couple of coastal cities where I met tons of middle-class families that had a little trailer boat that they kept in the driveway and took out on weekends. Just an interesting shift in mindset for me.)
So I grew up in a place where only rich people skiied, then moved to a place where skiing was accessible and “cheap.” Even if I’d grown up there, I would still have associated skiing with upper-middle-class wealth because my middle-class family couldn’t have afforded the “cheap” skiing.
When I was in snowboard school before, it was 16 year old me and all the 8 year olds. Based on that experience, I assumed that’s how it would be this time around–I’m glad to hear that’s not the case!
Definitely no judgement on anyone’s part: his family are the nicest people ever.
Most of the hills in my area have classes for 8-16 year olds and then separate adult classes.
Ha…sounds like I hit it at exactly the wrong time then!
No big deal to go to ski school. They have separate ski schools usually for kids and adults.
I strongly encourage you to be independent and NOT try to keep up with your expert boyfriend and his family who want to spend all day doing black diamonds. Be reasonable and safe. If he is happy to spend some time on the bunny hills with you, great, and then encourage him to go off with his family. Skiing with his family members who are more modest in their abilities is a really great bonding experience, actually, so try to do that if you can. Bring your phone so you can hang out in the lodge and read for a break and drink hot chocolate etc.. for part of the time and don’t get bummed when he is off having fun. This is his family vacation too that is a long standing tradition. You want to add to it with your presence, and not demand that he focus all his attention on you.
Remember – skiing is actually really dangerous. Wear your helmet. Learn how to fall safely. When I went to ski school as a 20 year old college student, my college roommate destroyed her knee in front of my eyes on her first downhill run. My uncle just broke his back.
No chance that I’ll be doing black diamonds: I didn’t do them even when I was going regularly! His sister is the least sporty of the bunch so I imagine that we’ll be hanging out most of the time. I’m aware that I’ll be chilling on my own some–hanging out in front of a fire with a book and some boozey hot chocolate sounds awesome.
I’ll definitely be wearing a helmet.
lol fun fact–I broke my knee on the bunny slope. Granted, I was six. Skiing sounds terrible. Book/fire/hot chocolate sounds way better.
Heh I broke my ankle on the bunny slope DURING A PRIVATE LESSON on my first and only ski trip when my husband and I were first dating. I was about 57 at the time. That was the end of me and skiing!
This will be exactly the right attitude for you to have fun! I went skiing with a group of friends a couple of months ago, and they were (mostly) great, adventurous skiers. I’d never skied before, so I took 3 days of ski school and had a blast. We didn’t ever ski together, but they’d all ski down to the school around lunchtime and cheer me on for a bit. Then we’d have lunch and I’d go back to the bunny slope and they’d go back to whatever they were doing. At apres ski drinks, we’d have plenty to talk about, and they seemed genuinely excited that I was learning to do it and having fun. The last day, we were going to do some greens together, but I decided I was too tired and sore and wanted to do other stuff in the town instead. We all had so much fun that we’re talking about making it an annual thing.
I destroyed my knee skiing when I was 23 with an ACL total tear. I had just enough experience skiing to be dangerous, took a risk on a slope that was probably beyond my capabilities, and ripped it to shreds. I’m 40 now and it is permanently messed up and I’m looking at a replacement in the future. Be careful and don’t try to push your limits.
Just do what you want to do. You don’t all have to ski together, it’s not a big deal if you’re not a great skiier/snowboarder. Not being good isn’t embarrassing, there will be tons of adults who can’t ski there.
Yeah this. Why would it be embarrassing to not be good at something you haven’t done in over a decade? There’s a chance you’re one of those people that picks up physical activity quickly, but if you’re not, being terrible at something you never do is normal, not embarrassing. Approach it with humor and you’re fine.
1) don’t decide to ski or snowboard based on what they do – pick what you want.
2) i skied as a child but wanted to learn to snowboard with my now husband (who has been snowboarding forever). On our first trip, he took me out to the snow covered grass behind the lodge parking lot the night before our first day, helped me learn how to get my gear on, etc. and move around. Then i spent the first two days in (adult) snowboard school while he was off with friends and family. Worked out great – i learned, he got to do all the advanced runs, we didn’t break up :)
3) layer. Layer. Layer. And put your phone inside a sock inside your jaxket bc the cold eats batteries.
Have a good look at the map. DH is a very advanced skier and I’m intermediate. Generally we’ll ski a few runs together at my level, then I’ll do a few on my own while he does a few advanced runs, and then we’ll meet up for longer runs at an intermediate level where he can scoot out and back to advanced runs that loop in and out.
Also, encourage your DH to try snowboarding – might be fun to take a class together.
I’m 36 and cannot ski. Not even a little bit. (My inability also extends to other winter sports like skating and snowboarding. I can snowshoe, though!) But I love winter and the snow and being active, so I take the trips with my husband, and sometimes I take lessons to see if I’ve maybe picked up the ability somehow (the answer is always no haha), but I’m just a good sport and take walks around the resort or rent some snowshoes and check out the trails. I bring a good book and find a spot in front of the fire for when I want to defrost. I think if you’re a good sport and have a positive attitude, you’ll have a great trip, regardless of your technical ability.
Just go and have fun. Plenty of adults learn later in life and have a fantastic time (my husband being one of them). It helps if you are the type of person who enjoys winter and can have a nice time just admiring the snow-covered trees from the chairlift even if you fall on the run.
Through the years, I’ve taught a few boyfriends how to ski and will likely teach my fiance if he’s willing to learn. It’s sometimes taken an hour to get down the mountain, and it’s been a completely great experience because they were having fun.
I’m not an amazing skier, but most people who ski are absolutely understanding of those who are learning. Learn, have fun, enjoy the snow and sunshine, and know that every decent human being who is a good skier is beyond understanding and patient with those who are not.
Which ski area in Vermont?
If you have experience snowboarding, I vote for snowboarding, with the caveat that getting on and off lifts is trickier. The movements are physically easier if you already have the muscle memory (even if it’s from a decade ago) since you don’t have to coordinate two boards, and it’ll be easier for endurance purposes because you can always sit down and chill instead of standing awkwardly around to rest. Ski boots are cold, painful and horrible.
For skiing vs snowboarding, I think it’s up to you, but you’ll probably want to refresh yourself on snowboarding. Skiing is easier to pick up but harder to improve. Snowboarding has a steeper learning curve (which I’m assuming you’ve already gone through) but once you have it down, it’s easier to do more difficult runs.
Unless you’re at a truly tiny one lift resort there will be classes for grownups. I’ve taken beginning snowboarding lessons as an adult and intermediate/advanced ski lessons. These were at my local resort, which isn’t huge (about 6 lifts total). If you want to learn how to ski, I’d highly recommend lessons.
If your boyfriend’s family is athletic and dedicated skiers, definitely don’t try to keep up. You’ll be able to spend plenty of time with them in the lodge.
Going to repeat a question I posed a few weeks ago, to one of the less active posts.
I’ve been told I’m being promoted in the next few months to a senior leader role in my organization, which will come with a significant bump in pay. I of course will be wise in terms of saving additional $$ toward retirement and college, but also am wondering what one single thing I could do to make my life (and the additional stress I anticipate) more manageable. I get all my best lifehacks from this blog, so thought I would throw it out. Personal trainer? Coach? More travel to just get away? Right now, leaning toward something around getting food on table at night. Come home too late and tired to cook, but do not like eating out a lot, or even getting a bunch of take out. Has anyone hired someone to do grocery shopping and food prep? If so, how did you find the person?
I would for sure have meals prepared for me, and a house cleaner.
Cleaning service and meal delivery (eg Territory) would be my suggestions.
I have looked for such a person and have not found them– but I did find emeals. You pick a meal plan, and it sends you the grocery list and can even upload it into your grocery app (Amazon Fresh, Instacart, Walmart Grocery, or Kroger Clicklist). So all you have to do is actually make the food. Your situation may be different, but I have found that 1) thinking of recipes and 2) grocery shopping are what takes so long for me, not the cooking itself. (There is also a 30-minute meals option on emeals). This is also not expensive, so you could still use your pay bump for a trainer, travel, etc.
I found someone to do that on care.com. I subscribed to a meal planning service and she did the grocery shopping and made five days worth of meals. Most meals she made completely, but there were usually a few that wouldn’t keep well. For those, she did prep work like chopping veggies so that it was easy to do. We paid her $100/week, and it usually took her 4-5 hours (including a thorough cleaning of the kitchen when she was done). Only kept it up for the first four months after I started back from maternity leave, but if money weren’t an issue I would have kept it up long term.
House cleaner first.
Meal delivery is probably easiest.
But one of my friends has a great housekeeper that she started paying additional hours to do her weekly shopping and cook a bunch of food that she can eat over the week. She leaves her instructions what to cook, and she does it. Totally amazing, and this woman is crazy efficient. This is likely hard to find. And my friend, in my opinion, totally abuses this amazing (immigrant in LA) woman and pays her only $18 per hour. She gets more done in 4 hours than I could do in 20. Seriously. But I digress….
Honestly, I know we made fun of the contestant on the Bachelor who had a nanny (for herself, no kids), but secretly I really wish I had a nanny. I need someone to run my life outside of work in every way.
I am in Beijing this week and want to buy some pretty things to gift my two best friends back home. I am at a loss. Any good ideas on things to buy from here that are not too souvenir-y (like chopsticks)? TIA!
Food or candy are always a hit with me.
I wouldn’t worry that chopsticks are too souvenir-y. A friend brought chopsticks back from Japan for me and I love them. It is difficult to find good chopsticks here in the States.
A pretty wall hanging? Silk scarves? Beautiful tea set? (Haven’t been to China but I associate those things with China fwiw).
My friend brought me a beautiful silk scarf from China.
+1 to silk scarves
Last time I was in China I brought back a silk scarf and some fantastic loose-leaf tea. At the airport in Beijing I also picked up Chinese wine (like regular wine from grapes!) as a curiosity and it turned out to be reasonably good.
Can I ask where exactly you got the scarf from? My first trip here and I am so stuck in my client office, not sure where to even go shopping? The mall nearby I looked up seems to have all the same global shops!
Unfortunately I got the scarf in Shanghai, not Beijing.
I took a private tour with a guide through Jenny’s Shanghai Tours. My guide took me to a silk factory (it was most likely a bit of a tourist trap but still interesting to learn how the silk is harvested and woven) and I bought the scarf in the obligatory shopping part at the end of the the factory tour.
I don’t know if they have anything similar in Beijing. My experience was that the shopping was better for unique (non-global) shopping in Shanghai… I know that’s not super helpful for you, sorry.
Nanluogu Xiang is a (heavily) restored street in a historical downtown neighbourhood which has a good assortment of shops for local gifts, ranging from cool to tacky.
Ask one of the people at the work thing you’re at if they can suggest something or someone at the hotel. They will be pleased to help you.
You might consider this too souvenir-y, but I still treasure the fan my parents brought me from Beijing when I was a kid.
Would they like jewelry or art?
My sister brought me a gorgeous robe. Not silk, but woven in one of those traditional floral patterns.
We bought some really cool vintage (reproduction, prob, but I don’t care) advertising posters from a toursity nook in Bejing. We have this poster of a woman looking melancholy and smoking a cigarette. I love it. Bonus, posters roll up for easy transport. If you want to be less traditionally souveniry, you could look for contemporary art/prints.
https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g294212-d325676-Reviews-Liulichang_Street-Beijing.html
Local pearls are very affordable there. I usually get relatives to pick me a different styles. This isn’t a big ask as they are usually everywhere and small enough to not be too much of a hindrance.
I also like the silk pajamas there, anything Shanghai Tang (not sure if there are stores anymore) and cute Chinese dresses for my girls.
I don’t do food gifts as I am wary of the quality of local packaged foods.
Pearls from Hong Qiao market. Don’t forget to bargain. You don’t need to speak mandarin.
“My friend haggled for this in Beijing” definitely makes any present cooler. :)
Get some cloisonne jewelry! It’s very affordable and pretty. Hong Qiao market definitely will have some.
So my roommate told me last night that he wants to move out when the lease is up at the end of June. He’s going to move to a suburb (we live in a city) with one of our other friends because it’ll be cheaper and he wants to be closer to the airport for work. I really like where we live and didn’t want to move, and am willing to pay the higher rent because the apartment and location are so perfect. I’m kind of sad that he doesn’t want to live with me anymore, and trying to not take it personally but I’m a little sad today.
So now I need to find a roommate. How have you ladies found roommates?
Posting on Facebook/asking friends to post on Facebook.
Facebook. I’ve just done a post advertising it on my page and asked friends to share it around. My college alumni group also has a FB Page people use for housing ads.
Is there a grad/law/med school nearby? My mom had roommates for a while and she had good luck with advertising to graduate students.
If you’re in a big(ger) city, would you be ok with one roommate for the summer, and another longer term one starting in the end of summer/early fall? I’m thinking of DC and NYC, for example (not inclusive of all options), where there is a huge influx of summer associates who need a place to live for May-August, then a massive wave of new full time students/attorneys move to town in August/Sept.
If that’s the case, reach out to law school admissions offices for fall (seat deposits are coming due soon), and organizations like WALRAA (in DC) and NYCRA (in NY), or the local equivalent, who maintain summer associate housing listings.
Have you checked facebook groups? My city has a group on fb matching roomates – people post when they have a room in their place available or when they are searching for a room or for people to get together and apartment hunt together as a roomate-group.
I’m in the group because I like to get a sense of marketing pricing for neighborhoods for my airbnb/investment rentals.
I found one amazing roommate (was in her wedding, now one of my best friends) through Craigslist, in DC. I liked her when we chatted about soccer on the phone, and when we met in person, she talked about Dr. Who and Smitten Kitchen, and she immediately asked me to be her roommate. We hit it off immediately and our first impressions of each other were both accurate.
Other roommates were through friends, or were friends.
I’d like to talk to my boss about a raise and title bump, but I’m psyching myself out. Can anyone share good ways to start the conversation or some good lines to use?
The background: been in my job about 3.5 years, my boss has been here for about one year of that (we were working without a boss on our team before that). She really likes me and is happy with my work and has leaned on me and given me extra responsibility, even with other colleagues. She has asked me to take the lead on projects with my two colleagues with similar titles and I would like to formalize that leadership role. She has given me great verbal feedback on my work but she never does one on one meetings with us so I feel like there is not a natural way to bring it up. There is also no formalized “next level” for title or promotion (our org is pretty disorganized), but colleagues on other teams have been promoted to things like Senior Title and Director of Title – so I have something to model after. I’m thinking I’ll just walk into her office and ask for a few minutes, because that is how she likes us to interact with her. Any great lines I can use to kick it off?
Check Ask a Manager dot org and search for this. She has scripts for salary negotiation, raise discussions, etc. Take some of the crazy stories with a grain of salt and adapt her scripts for your office, but her basic interview, job search, salary negotiation, and resume advice is solid.
Thank you!
Question about illnesses – I’ve always felt like I’ve had a good immune system with an occasional cold once or twice a year (and a year-and-a-half period where I didn’t get sick at all) but since January I’ve been sick 4 times. A nasty cold x2, strep, and now back to cold (but with a fun fever). I was prepping for trial from November until about 3 weeks ago, so was working more than I usually do, but really the hours weren’t that insane and I felt like I was getting enough rest. Is there any other reason why this might be happening all of a sudden? Bad luck? Some other underlying condition? Side effect of turning 30? It’s getting really annoying to constantly be feeling under the weather. Nothing has really changed in my life – and no kids, so no daycare exposure, etc.
It could just be bad luck, I’m afraid. But I would see if your diet has changed, and maybe keep a sleep diary to see if you’re missing more sleep than you realize.
You could get a Fitbit (or similar tracker) that tracks your sleep, too. It’ll show wen you fall asleep and wake up, and if you’re restless during the night.
I was out twice this winter, I had a super bad cold in January followed by the flu 3 weeks later. It might just be one of those seasons, lots of people have been out more than once. I hope you feel better soon!
This winter was horrible for sickness – I think everybody I knew was down with a vicious cold or the flu.
Take this with a grain of salt because I do have a kid in daycare, and we’ve been getting sick as a result but…I found out that when I am either already sick or getting over another cold, whatever I get next takes me much longer to kick. We had a great contained experiment opportunity where my husband was not sick and I was just getting over a very awful cold, and we both caught a stomach bug from my son at the same time. (Never been more grateful for our new house with two bathrooms.) He bounced back in a day, and it took me 3-4 days to feel 100%. So my theory for you is it could be bad luck that you keep catching something else while your immune system is taking a beating. I ended up taking one extra day that I didn’t “need” and I feel like I finally got better. I don’t know if taking a day or two off is a possibility for you but if you can just lay around the couch, eat good food and drink a lot, maybe that can kick start you back to health.
I’m sorry – being sick over and over is the worst.
It’s probably bad luck. Sleep, diet, exercise, etc can affect your immune system, but colds and strep are typically contagious illnesses. It happens to everyone from time to time.
For me this would be a sign that my Vitamin D levels were low.
You might also want to get your A1C checked, since prediabetes can weaken your immune system (and I feel like I know a lot of healthy-seeming people getting prediabetes in their early 30s). But for me, it always seems to be the Vitamin D.
Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. Also turning 30 this year. I’m currently battling my second nasty head cold after having had bronchitis to kick off the new year. I was just commenting to a friend that this year seems particularly rough for a lot of people in terms of suffering illnesses. I have also known a lot of people (including DH) who got walking pneumonia this year, which I don’t recall being that prevalent in the past either. I think 2018 has just gotten off to a brutal start. Hopefully with spring coming, we will all start to feel better soon. Sending you sympathy and an extra box of kleenex!
In the last couple years, my fingernails have started separating a bit from the base, resulting in more of the white part, kind of weirdly shaped, kind of hurts a bit in the places where it shouldn’t be white. Is this a normal part of aging?
Any vitamins/treatments you recommend? (My hair is also looking worse.)
I’ve been to the doctor recently and my bloodwork was fine.
They make gummy vitamins for hair/skin/nails – might be worth a try!
Uh…no, I don’t think that’s normal – or at least I’ve never had anyone I know describe or complain about their fingernails like that. I would talk to your doctor about vitamin or nutritional deficiencies.
This happens to me too but I’m not sure what causes it. I started keeping my nails shorter and taking a multivitamin and it seems to have stopped.
I don’t know if you’re suffering from the exact same thing, but for a while my mom’s nails were also doing this. And it started to split, too. The family doctor thought it was fungus at first, but meds for fungi didn’t work. She went to see a specialist and it turned out it’s the chemical in dish detergent. She wears gloves now and it’s better. Go to your doctor and let them figure it out.
I would see a dermatologist. It could be fungus, which can be hard to treat.
Did the doctor check your thyroid? Issues with nails and hair can be an indicator of over or under active thyroid.
I’m going on a 2-week European road trip soon and I need to decide whether I’ll bring a large backpack or a suitcase. My suitcase is carry on sized but it expands a few inches for any baubles I pick up in my travels. I’ve taken it on a roadtrip before, though it was admittedly a little cumbersome to carry up flights of stairs or over cobblestones. The friend I’m traveling with is bringing a backpack and I’m worried I’ll look silly next to her and I’ll be kicking myself for bringing a suitcase… or maybe she’ll be kicking herself for how little room she has? Help me decide! And if you’ve made the switch to a backpack, which one did you get?
Go backpack, all the way. Running through anywhere to catch any mode of transport, over stairs and cobblestones, you’ll appreciate the pack. You can smoosh the pack into more spaces and spots than a suitcase, too.
I have a Kelty Redwing 44L backpack in black, and I removed the rigid spine from the inside for trips like this. I’ve done many trips with just this, including two very well dressed weeks in 3 European cities. It’s worked on regional jets where everyone else had to gate check, and it’s been an easy carryon for long haul flights.
+1000 I’m pro backpack all the way. I have one similar to Pompom’s – The REI brand Trail 40 – and am constantly amazed by how much I can fit in it. I’ve done 2+ week trips with multiple climates with no problem. My recommendation would be to find one that has zippers all around (versus many long haul backpacks that just open on the top) so you can easily pull stuff out of the bottom without pulling everything out. One thing that I don’t like about mine is that the hip belt is not removable. It is nice to wear it when I’ve overpacked and the bag is a little heavy (plus you can zip your cell phone in it which is hand), but it can get caught on the edge of overhead bins, which is annoying. So for trips where I’m really just carrying it to/from a hotel, I wish I could take it off.
One other pro to a backpack is that when overhead bins are full, I can cram most of it under the seat in front of me. This works better if you’re in a window seat, since any overflow won’t be as obvious, but as someone who will go to great lengths not to check a bag, I really appreciate it.
hahaha, sorry Pompom – did not mean to copy you verbatim in saying “backpack all the way.” Was a byproduct of my enthusiastic agreement!
Backpacks all the way, for the win! Ha!
Bring a suitcase (if you are staying in hotels). Backpacks are so heavy. I always end up wanting to buy more luggage at the end of my European vacations.
Hello ladies,
Can you give me some advice on how to deal with a boss who yells? I’m a midlevel associate at a medium sized firm, and I have a new boss who yells. I don’t know why I get yelled at so it causes me a lot of anxiety, and that affects my productivity. I’ve worked at a biglaw firm before, so I know that yelling is sometimes part of this stressful practice. I am just not dealing with it well. I have not previously worked with a yeller, am not sure when I’ll be yelled at, so the reinforcement schedule is anxiety inducing. I think partly I am upset that I moved to a smaller firm, took a pay cut, possibly limited my career options and now I am working so poorly with my colleagues. Do I need to just suck it up and take it? Can the situation get better?
I’m confused… is Yeller your new boss because you just took the job or is he new to the firm or what? If he’s been at the firm for a while then other people must have dealt with this. Can you talk to someone who works with him? How do they manage him? Does the firm think this behavior is acceptable? If he’s new to the firm then my answer is different… that’s something that should be raised with a fairly senior partner who you have a relationship with.
More generally, ime there are two types of yellers. The yellers who don’t realize they’re yelling. I work with one partner who’s an EXTREMELY LOUD TALKER WHO SOUNDS VERY ANGRY ALL THE TIME but he’s actually great and super sweet and he has gone to bat for me more times than I can count. If that’s the case, you have to learn to manage your own symptoms – remind yourself to breathe, release the tightness in your chest, remember this is how he talks it’s not about you.
Then there’s the other type of yeller – the bully. If the firm is ok with partners like this then plan your exit strategy. In the meantime, manage yourself so you maintain face to whoever is listening. Breathe, maintain a deep, even tone of voice, maintain eye contact, keep your back and your head up straight. If he’s venting but not being rude then I’ll let him yell for a while and occasionally ask, anything else?, when it seems like he’s running out of steam. Then therapize him – I hear your frustration, I hear you saying you want XYZ, or simply understood. If he gets rude, though, hold up your hand like a crossing guard to gesture STOP and say something like, you are not going to speak to me in that tone, please come back when you’ve collected yourself. Pushing back on bullies can be really effective or it can send them into a crazy spiral so be ready for either reaction. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Agreed that we need more info. That said, I had a yeller boss who would lash out when someone screwed up or something didn’t get done (or she perceived it to be so). It gave me mini heart attacks for a year until I got good at predicting when yelling would occur and attempt to spin information to prevent it. A lot of it was that I did not initially understand the full consequences of a screw up and something that seemed totally minor but actually had bigger implications would cause a lash out and send my heart into my throat. Later, as long as I presented it like $hit happened but I am aware and it’s under control including consequences ABCD, she would not be happy but would also not yell. I don’t know your situation but it is tough and I commiserate. I’ll say that a few years in this boss became my biggest advocate and recommended me for several promotions. She was very respected partially because she would not let things slide (and mostly because she was waaay smarter than many others at her level).
I had a boss like this. Plan your exit strategy. You cannot do your best work there.
The sad thing is you cannot change people like this. They get reputations though.
This.
Do you have other bosses? I had a bully boss, and while I hated working with him, I only did about 20% of my work from him, and I really loved the other people I worked with so I stuck it out. I would not expect/count on your relationship with your boss to get better, so if you want to stay, I would figure out ways to manage your response.
Ask a Manager has a cool thread today – a knowledge swap where readers will answer questions on things they have expertise in. Might be a good way to pick up some Excel tips, etc. They have a pretty diverse reader population.
Thanks! I don’t check that s!te daily and I’m definitely interested in this!
Good morning, Hive! I’ve been invited to an online Younique cosmetics party. I normally don’t participate in MLM stuff, particularly online, but for various reasons I’d like to support this friend and buy a couple of items. Does anyone have experience with Younique products? Any recommendations (or warnings)? Thank you!
Their mascaras have been known to cause eye irritation and swelling, so… I’d pass on this one.
Good to know. Thank you!
I would not. ellebeaublog dot com is a fascinating read on Younique. It’s a scam and the products are crap.
I will check that out. Thank you!
+1
I would support your friend by sending her this link, not by buying things you don’t want or need.
I did something very similar and bought something to support a friend (other reasons, blah blah, even though I hate MLMs). I bought a sample pack or whatever with a bunch of options and most of it was awful. I didn’t hate the foundation, but would never buy it again. I didn’t have problems with swelling but the mascara just looked really bad and fake, which is not my style at all.
I ended up giving it all but the foundation to my friend and said “Thanks so much, but the products did not agree with me at all. If you feel comfortable using my leftovers please feel free.”
Friendship was preserved, I supported her in a very difficult time, and I only wasted a little bit of money, which I could afford to do at the time.
This pick might be along the lines of what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a jacket/blazer that could be thrown over a cocktail dress on a cool evening. Or worn for date night when long sleeves are not quite enough. Whenever I throw on one of my work blazers my husband comments that I look like I”m just going to work. So I’m looking for something just a bit dressier than a work blazer, but not too dressy. Any suggestions? Maybe a tuxedo blazer? I”m looking for something that can be worn with lots of different outfits. From jeans and heels to a cocktail dress. Thank you!
I think a collarless blazer like this pick would make it look less like work. Or maybe a suede moto jacket?
Or even a cropped (fake) leather moto jacket!
Yes! A moto jacket when you want to be cool, a MM LaFleur jardigan when you want to be sleek or more professional. Express can also have some decent going out blazers options from time to time.
Suede moto. I bought the BLANKNYC Suede Moto Jacket in black on a whim from Nordstrom for ninety dollars back back in November and I’m surprised how often it is my go to jacket (over sheath for work on Fridays or throw it on for the weekend or after work drinks or a date). I’d get one without the full moto belt thing at the waist, I find that detail is a bit too much for the purposes you listed in your post.
Old Navy has a really cute suede moto jacket in lots of colors right now. I just got it in light grey and love it!
oooh i’ve had my eye on that one!
how many moto jackets is too many for one woman?
Leather jacket.
I just ordered a blush collarless blazer that I saw on Extra Petite’s blog. It hasn’t come in yet but looks fun and springy and not too office-y. It was on her blog and her instagram @jeanwang if you wanted to look it up.
Ooo, I love most of Jean’s picks. Sometimes she gets too ruffly or twee for work but I like her shapes and color palettes. Which one is it?
I agree! Sometimes her picks are too precious… but a lot of them are great. It’s a draped open blazer from Express… she instagrammed it 6 days ago. In the first pic you can’t see the jacket; she is wearing a white dress (so many ruffles) with a high bun. The blazer is in the second pic. I will report back when it arrives!
Report back! For some reason it looks cut a bit too wide in her photos so I didn’t go for it but I can be convinced. The dumb express website doesn’t have a single photo of the model in a regular standing position (Is she doing Olympic style lunges or something?) so I can’t even tell how it sits/drapes.
Heartening to see so many votes for leather jacket! All lj, all the time.
aritzia has some nice ones for the casual/going out look.
Thanks everyone! I’m leaning towards a collarless blazer now. I’m not sure if I can pull off the moto look. I’ll have to check out that blazer from Express. Although this is something I wouldn’t mind being a splurge item so if you have any pricier suggestions I’m open!
Do you have a fave smartwatch? I am just looking for a nice looking watch with a step counter in it. Not looking for an Apple watch.
I have narrowed it down to the Skagen Signatur Connected Series. Does anyone have this watch and can comment? Amazon reviews look decent but you never know about the reviews if the product is given to them…
thanks!
I’ve been looking at the Nokia Steel smartwatches. They have HR and just step versions and have good reviews, but I haven’t ordered yet either.
I actually like the look of that watch! I find most smart watches (apple, fit bit, etc.) unbearably ugly, and wear a dumb Skagen that only tells me the time. That one might make me reconsider when I’m in the market for a new watch!
Vote her for the Garmin series. I have the one with the big face. Keeps time/tracks steps/sleep/other activities. Vibrates when a call comes in to my cell – I can see what # is calling to decide whether to pick up, which I love. Also set to alert me when text comes in. Love it.
Okay, I know somebody here recommended a sleek-ish looking backpack that is good for a weekend away.
A coworker of mine is looking for something that won’t stand out if he has to carry it to a restaurant, but wants it to be big enough for a weekend away. He’s looking for backpack style because he makes frequent weekend trips to metro areas where he’s on public transit,etc.
I feel like somebody on here had a suggestion for this-
Tumi? Also Tom Binh is popular among my coworkers.
Does anyone have a partner/significant other on the autism spectrum? In the course of having our son evaluated, we are realizing that my partner is also probably on the spectrum. Can anyone recommend recent resources?
A book called The Journal of Best Practices by David Lynch provides great insight into marriage to someone on the spectrum.
I’m late to this, but my husband was recently diagnosed – he’s 33. I read the Journal of Best Practices and it was helpful. We also found a support group through the autism clinic in our city, plus individual and couples therapy. It’s been a journey but we are making a lot of progress.
Avoid Heist tights. I was suckered in by the progressive marketing and promises of the most comfortable tights ever, etc. The website says they offer the tights “risk free” and will provide a “full refund” if you are unhappy. Well, I was unhappy– the tights are itchy, moved around on me while walking, and had strange seams on the sides. When I tried to return them, I was told they’d process a “full refund” but they don’t cover return shipping… and by the way, it’s INTERNATIONAL shipping so it will cost about $20. That is definitely not what a risk free guarantee means, and nowhere on their website does it disclose that they don’t cover return shipping.
Long story short, I’m now stuck disputing the charge on my credit card because they can’t be bothered to provide a standard return shipping service. Also the tights themselves are cr@p so even if you get the size right, there’s nothing special about them.
Good to know! I was seriously debating buying them. If it helps (and they are usually on sale now) I really like the quality of brooks brother’s tights, and they almost always have some cute patterns.
Wow – thank you for heads up. I noted them when some blogger was singing their praises but had not gotten around to purchasing yet. You saved me a ton of hassle – than you.
My holy grail for women’s black tights are ann taylor perfect tight – without control top. Comfortable, no digging, no slipping, wear like iron.
I could tell they were full of it. I reached out to ask if they carried Talls, and they said no, but “one size fits all.” I replied that I really have extremely long legs…what was their size range? And they were so cagey about it that I was like, Nope–I’ll stick to my Spanx tights, thankyouverymuch. Frustrating for a gal with a 35″ inseam.
Any suggestions how to not show your true feelings about a situation. I have an important meeting coming up where there is a lot I’m not pleased with. Any and all suggestions on how to be diplomatic and strategic. I like the people I’m dealing with so don’t want to rock any boats but with the subject matter we’re on different pages.
– Pause and consider before you say anything, even the things you’re already super sure about, so they can’t tell “oh, she has to think about this one” or “she’s taking a breath to get her feelings under control.” (This is a baseball umpire trick–you always wait before making a call so no one can tell which calls you feel iffy about.)
– If you have trouble keeping your feelings out of your face, I find it helps to cultivate a specific neutral face, so you have a positive goal instead of a negative one–it’s “now I’m going to make my neutral face” instead “I’m not going to make an angry face.”
Work or personal?
For either, people like to feel heard. Acknowledge their concerns and their goals. If you can get on the same page with what the problem is and what a solution needs to include, then it’s a lot easier to figure out how to get there and what the solution actually looks like.
For personal, talk about feelings instead of logic. When you did X I felt Y.
I think that ensuring people are heard is really essential. And not just in a lipservice way. If you can’t say back to them, “OK, so your concern is that if we do MyWay we’ll get ABC bad results” before you say “but here’s why I think MyWay is actually better” you really might not be understanding them. If you can show you understand the other side, they’re much more likely to try to understand you, and heck, you might even come to an agreement!
I try to avoid talking in meetings like this, because if I do, the “That’s CRAP!” feelings will come out. So I try to let others take the lead. If you must talk, and you must get to resolution, seek out books on negotiation strategy, like “Getting to Yes” and the like.
Thanks everyone