Coffee Break: Carrie High Heel Pumps

77 Comments

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2. My friend’s bach party was this weekend, and we took a bunch of those Instax mini-Polaroid pictures. I’d like to put them into some kind of gift for her. There are 19 pics – I’m thinking some kind of framed collage but wanted to see if anyone has ideas. TIA!

   1. On pinterest there are some cute ideas of getting a big frame and mounting them on a white background evenly spaced. 19 is an odd number– 18 would work better with 6 rows/columns of 3. Perhaps that?

   2. I would do a little album. She’s not going to want to display a collage of bach party picks forever, but a little album book can be stored easily and be pulled out of the drawer for occasional reminiscing.

      1. +1

   3. For one of my good friend’s weddings, I made them a photo book with the Apple “projects” feature, but I think you can do the same thing on other websites too.

      What I did was collect as many pictures as I could with them together and then (quietly) reached out to family and friends for older pics or childhood pics and used those images to create the book. I left a page open in the back to add their favorite picture in after the wedding but I was able to download in PDF form first so that I could send it to the parents and everyone who helped me put it together.

      It really didn’t take too much time and it became (or I guess I hope it became) a treasured item. Especially since the other nice thing about doing a photo book rather than a collage is that you can add in descriptions or comments or poems or whatever your heart desires. So I was able to have a few pages that I put things like tips on marriage and personal notes to the bride and groom about how much they mean to me, that sort of thing. And while it was a bit of a pain in the butt to pull together, I got it all done (including the requests for pics) in less than a week or two tops.

3. Love these! I purchased the black ones with the red and purple accents on the heel. There’s a promo code for an additional 20% off that you can g**gle.

   1. And for anyone looking for something similar to these with a sturdier heel or something more clearly “festive” for the holidays, I recently bought these shoes for a friend’s wedding and they are terrific. The stacked heel meant that I could wear them all night even though they were 3.5 inch heels and the embellishment on the toe box really and truly sparkles even more then I could have hoped.

      I’ll add the link in a subsequent post, but they are called “Deimille Jules Velvet Pump with Rhinestone Cluster” and you can find them at a few different stores in a variety of sizes (and they seem to have all been marked down fifty percent, though fifty percent over ridiculously expensive is still kind of expensive for shoes I won’t wear everyday. But heck, they were so beautiful I didn’t care.

      1. Link to the shoes that, fingers crossed, will actually work.

         https://www.shoes.com/deimille-jules-velvet-pump-with-rhinestone-cluster/792738/1701092?cm_mmc=ls-default-_-none-_-none-_-none&cm_mmc=ls-default-_-none-_-none-_-none

         Just remember to use Google shopping or Shopstyle to compare prices and see if/when the prices come down further.

4. I just got a new dogwalker and this is his second day. He left me a message that he went into the bathroom and somehow bumped a shelf and broke a frame and a candle. He’s offered to replace them, and replacement for both items would be about $75 total. Is it appropriate for me to follow up with reimbursement? It was an accident but I’m not really sure how this happened unless he was doing something weird near/on this shelf. It’s not in the traffic path if that makes sense.

   1. Hmm I wonder what he was doing in there! I’d have him replace anything you can’t live without, like maybe one or the other but not both. And i guess i would consider getting a nanny cam. Though you probably don’t want to spy on people in the actual bathroom…

      I have had The Worst Luck with pet sitters just being super weird.

   2. I think you can separate this into two separate issues: should he reimburse you, and what was he doing when he broke them?

      I would put the latter out of your mind. You’ve decided you trust this person enough to come in your house and walk your dog; don’t drive yourself crazy analyzing every possible movement within the house. Especially in the bathroom, which seems like a pretty non-suspicious place for someone to go briefly. (If the dogwalker texted me and said ‘Oh, by the way, I was in your attic and broke a vase”….then we’ve got issues.)

      As for reimbursement, I think any amount between $0-$75 would be totally appropriate. If it were me, I would probably let it go, thinking that $75 is probably a lot of money for a dog walker and isn’t very much money to me, but I don’t think you’d be out of line to ask for a portion or full reimbursement.

   3. Perhaps instead of monetary reimbursement, you could ask him for a couple of free walks or discounted walks? That might be easier for him to manage. As far as “what was he doing in there?” … I’m a total klutz and could see myself needing to perhaps wipe some dog poop off my leg and falling all over myself in a stranger’s bathroom.

   4. It would be appropriate to follow up with reimbursement, but I wouldn’t…a good dog walker that can come in a pinch (not just at your regular times) is worth his weight in gold, as long as you trust him.

5. Thanks for those who responded to my post looking for navy pumps with a strap to wear with tights, preferably lower-heeled.

   I responded late as I was getting myself to the airport.

   My size is 41eur or 10 to 10.5us, budget is under $300, preferably under $200.

   I did order the wedges recommended but I am now reading the reviews that the ankle strap runs small, which probably won’t work for me.

   1. Excellent. I will be right back with some ideas. I’ll try to give you options between an ankle strap vs. a strap over the upper foot vs. a t-strap and you can see what you like best. Links to follow.

   2. So my first comment saying that I’d get you some options is for some reason being mod-botted. But I’ll try to give you a few good options. One quick question since you give your size in Euro, are you based out of Europe or the UK or elsewhere? Just want to make sure I’m giving you options that you’ll actually be able to purchase.

      1. Well, my first response is also being held in purgatory, so hopefully, this one won’t. These are Naturalizers (so they’ll be comfortable with a crossed strap over the foot and fairly low (though I wish it was a cone heel instead of the more stiletto like heel on these.

         http://tinyurl.com/yckt34pa

      2. Not sure if you’d like the brocade-like detailing on these, but they seem like they’d be a solid everyday shoe that could also be dressed up for an event or an evening out (especially if said event is outside where smaller heels would just sink right into the ground.)

         http://tinyurl.com/y9t975yb

      3. Last one for now, though who knows when this and my other posts will get released, but this shoe doesn’t have an ankle strap but they look really pretty and otherwise what you wanted. If you have problems with shoes slipping off, especially on the back of the heel, have you tried those anti-slide inserts you can put into your shoes to help keep them in place? I’ve never used them I don’t think, but I know some people who rave about them.

         https://www.gilt.com/sale/women/kate-spade-new-york-shoes-7922/product/1191343262-kate-spade-new-york-shoes-yanna-leather-pump?utm_medium=affiliate&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=shopstyle&utm_source=CJ&utm_campaign=GS(All):Affiliates:CJ:shopstyle&utm_campaign=GS:Affiliate&utm_content=2178999

   3. I know you mentioned that you ordered a pair of wedges that were recommended this morning, but I just found these Cole Haan navy blue wedges with slightly funky (in a good way) ankle straps.

      Found here. http://tinyurl.com/ycy9dvkh

      1. Thank you! These are the ones I ordered to try but the reviews aren’t very encouraging…. if you run across any others please share! Sorry for checking back in so late – long day of travel. I’m based in the US, but i usually list my euro size because it more consistently fits vs my US size.

   4. Anon – I recommended a few ideas within your size and price point but the links are currently stuck in purgatory (I know I’ve been away awhile, has the rules about links changed in the meantime? Though that’s more a question for the longtime readers honestly.

      But, check back in a bit and there are a few ideas waiting for you. If you see something you like but would like it to be a little different, I can also help find more focused alternatives once I have a better sense of what you like.

6. What are your favorite walking/cross training shoes?

   I go to the gym regularly, do strength classes and occasionally HIIT, but most specifically want to find the best shoes for walking the track, elliptical, stair climber, treadmill (to walk on an incline). I don’t run except in the unlikely event that a bear is chasing me. I’ll try on before I buy, but the options are overwhelming and I’m looking for a good starting place.

   1. A good shoe store will help you find something that is a bit more customized to your stance/activities. I got a pair this way a few years ago (replaced since) and it made a big difference.

      1. Good call – I did have a good experience being fitted for running shoes once upon a time, before I gave running up for lent and never went back.

         1. I love that you gave up running for lent!!

7. Well that was three hours of my life I’m not getting back.

   Counter to my general life philosophy, I really hope my office has a White Elephant gift exchange so I can bring a mug that says “I just survived another meeting that could have been an email.”

   1. Google the Ladybird Book of the Meeting. Brilliant stuff.

   2. Love it!

8. What’s a way to get members of a civic group to actually volunteer for tasks? I’m involved in a group that produces a couple of large events annually, and we are struggling with a shortage of folks willing to take on tasks. They are, however, willing to show up to the meetings and nit pick the efforts of those who are actually doing the work to produce the events. Vexing. I have six more months of these meetings, and would love to find a solution that does not involve just losing it in a meeting and telling them how much I don’t appreciate their opinions when they aren’t contributing anything BUT opinions.

   1. I subscribe to the Marketplace of Volunteer Projects Theory, which I invented myself. It goes like this: If there is a market for volunteer projects in the community, people will volunteer for them. If not, they won’t, and your efforts are best expended elsewhere. So if you can’t get people to volunteer for your big events, maybe it’s time to re-think whether the community really supports those events at this point.

      At a minimum, it might get people’s attention if you state some version of the preceding paragraph at the next meeting.

   2. Does your group have a minimum service hour requirement? If not, consider broaching the subject at a meeting and voicing the concerns you’ve raised here.

      Could you guilt people into service by passing around a sheet that lists members with number of hours of service behind their name?

      Could you pass around sign up sheets before and before the close of meetings for whatever events you need help with? And if there’s not enough names on the list, say so before the meeting adjourns?

      These are tactics that our very aggressive volunteer coordinator has used for our hospital … and they seem to work!

   3. I used to chair an alumni board and when people (and always the same ones) would start with their incessant “why don’t you try”, I would generally put up with it for a bit and then more or less “voluntold” them to chair that event subcommittee. “Janet, those are some great ideas you are expressing. You are clearly so invested in x that you should chair the subcommittee for that. I look forward to hearing how it is coming along at the next meeting.”

   4. Have you directly said “We need people to do XYZ – John, you have not signed up yet, which of these tasks would you like to take on?”

   5. Personally, I love it when charitable groups I’m part of or whatever helps assign me specific tasks with specific deadlines (as well as requiring a certain number of volunteer hours per month) because, if left to my own devices, I will absolutely forget to sign up for things. Or convince myself at the last minute that I didn’t want to go. Etc.

      Honestly, I feel like there’s a corollary to Senior Attorney’s comment above which is, people are more willing to volunteer if they are asked (which seems intuitive but I spent an entire semester in college studying American Politics with a focus on electioneering and voting and a fair amount of research found that undecided voters or irregular voters were significantly more likely to vote if they are simply asked to by a real-life person (as opposed to a commercial.)

      Perhaps a two-pronged strategy would be the best. Set up volunteer schedules and have people who are pro-active pickup shifts, but also reach out to your less active volunteers to say “oh, we have this event this weekend and could really use the help, do you have availability?” (People hate saying no to people to their face so a personal outreach will always help.) But I would pair that with some rules governing membership in the organization, like a certain number of hours of volunteerism and or attending a certain number of meetings or whatever makes the most sense within your volunteer framework.

      And as someone who has unintentionally ghosted on a couple volunteer activities, you should definitely also reach out to anyone who has otherwise been an avid volunteer who isn’t this time. The answer may be as simple as a vacation or an illness in the family but they may be able to also give you some advice on how you could change your approach to recruiting volunteers.

9. Reposting here hoping for more responses:

   Ladies,

   Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in the “pay cut” thread. I honestly don’t know how some of you do it/did it. These stories got me thinking about my current situation and whether I am crazy to want to look for a new job. Please tell me your thoughts and if you’ve been in a similar situation before.

   I work for a large global private company that is planning to IPO. I am a service line manager. In my HCOL area, I get paid 125K with potential for bonus depending on company performance (likely 5K range). I work from home full time. I have been promoted or moved laterally with more pay within my service line every couple of years until this position I have now that I’ve held for about a year. I am valued at the company for my institutional knowledge and ability to solve complex interdisciplinary problems. I have a young child and husband works for lower pay. That’s for the good stuff.

   Now the bad stuff. The company overall creates a dysfunctional environment. Between mergers and acquisitions that took place over the last two years, there has been a huge exodus of people with historical institutional knowledge. These people were never great to start but there is now a knowledge vacuum. There are severe infrastructural issues (databases with wrong data or that don’t talk to each other, no process documentation, no process owners) that have persisted for years that I have screamed about and are just now being noticed at upper management. The financials are not only in disarray but the controls around loading new financial data continue to be missing despite attention from top controllers. In the last two years, I’ve had to have my benefits corrected at least three times because the deductions were wrong. On a regular basis, people from my service line do not get paid on time due to some issue within the payroll system and then rushed a manual check via Fedex. My boss, who is new to the company, is just now starting to understand how messed up everything is.

   The work ethic environment is also not great. It is pretty normal for people who are directly in charge of a project or a department to fail to answer emails directed only at them regarding items that they should directly be working on and know about. On calls, there are frequently people who interrupt, are aggressive, and state that nothing can be done without even taking a minute to think about the problem. This is multiple people across all departments, and I sometimes find myself raising my voice in response which makes me feel like a failure. Everything – from ordering a laptop to getting project support – is very difficult and accompanied by a myriad of offline forms that are usually submitted without a response and must be followed up on and tracked over weeks and sometimes months. And in the end about 50% of all projects fail after being dragged out months past their due dates. Between seeing hard work go down the toilet and performing many, many seemingly remedial and unnecessary tasks each day, all of this is emotionally exhausting.

   In the past when I started to feel like this, I’d try to emotionally disconnect and only do my job, nothing more – no daily follow-ups, no pointing out of huge looming issues to my managers, just the job. But now I have direct reports bringing up these issues to my attention and I must deal with others’ lack of response and engagement, missed deadlines, and unreasonable requests. So disconnecting is not a solution.

   But – no commute, decent pay, job security, good people within my department. Am I crazy to be thinking of leaving? Am I stupid for staying? Is there anything I can do to fix current situation and stop feeling so emotionally invested and exhausted? What would you do / did you do??

   1. Oh gosh it sounds like you work at my company, except to my knowledge we are not planning an IPO.

   2. Whenever I have been on the fence about a job, the question that has helped me is, “If I stick around for longer, will any of these things change?” If you are looking forward and only seeing more of the same, get out now. If you believe that the IPO will be the last reorg and things will settle down after that, the answer is less clear and the positives you mention have more weight.

10. I want an awesome duvet cover. Like, fun to look at, will make me smile, preferably bright colors. I don’t want to spend more than $50 because I think two bedsheets sewed (sewn?) together shouldn’t be expensive but for some reason they are. I’m willing to go up to $100. Halp.

    1. IKEA

    2. What makes me happy when it comes to duvet covers is awesome material + the drapey look. So, I’d look for linen and size up (if you have a queen, buy a king duvet). I like white personally (but my duvet has an interesting texture) and I swap the accent pillows out when I get bored with them.

       I love the Green and Aqua from Target’s Fieldcrest line:
       https://www.target.com/p/linen-duvet-cover-sham-set-fieldcrest-153/-/A-51041778

       This Serena and Lilly one is close to your price range:
       http://bit.ly/2ALww0u

       Cotton, but I like this one from Ikea – this pattern is nice and trends adult (vs. their floral patters which basically haven’t changed from the one I have in college) while still having a color.
       http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70304319/#/50304320

    3. I like IKEA’s textiles, but how about some place where it can be ordered on-line? I’m in Manhattan, no car and no time to make the trip all the way out to Ikea in Brooklyn.

       1. You can order Ikea online! Not everything, but they do have some of the linens available online. I don’t know how much the delivery charge is, but I bet it’s probably not that much for a duvet cover.

       2. I got a beautiful, soft duvet with corner tie-stings at Bed Bath and Beyond. With their eternal 20% off coupon it was about $80. I like it better than my Ikea duvets for winter because the cotton is thicker – also softer.

    4. Marimekko is out of your budget but take a look on amazon. I think it’s what you want. $150ish. Maybe see if you like any of the sale styles.

       1. And when I search Marimekko Duvet, Amazon comes up with some similar styles. I saw one for $70.

    5. I mean, I have literally made a duvet cover out of two sheets sewn together and $50 was about my cost of materials (2 queen sheets, snaps, ribbon for corner ties), and didn’t even cover my labor in cutting, stitching, and handsewing the snaps (probably about 6 hrs worth?). But then I had a custom sized duvet cover…

       But, also look at The Company Store. You can usually get a % off coupon for your first order or by getting on their mailing list.

    6. check out the website allmodern[dot]com. Sounds like what you want in your $100 budget. I don’t think $50 is going to happen.

    7. Check out Society6. I got my cell phone case there because I wanted a pretty one. Then I discovered they also sell shower curtains and duvet covers ($99). Now I want those too but I’m trying to curb my shopping wants… (I have no idea if their duvet colors are good or soft or anything, but they are pretty and the cell phone case works fine).

    8. Have you checked Etsy yet? A quick search turned up some beautiful ones (though my absolute favorite was significantly out of price range. Let me know if you want specific examples.

       1. Okay, the Etsy shop called Cool Bedding has a bunch of gorgeous fabric duvets. This is just one of my faves, but there are a bunch others that I like. But if you go on Etsy and just search for duvet covers, tons of nice options come up. (Heck, you can even find fabric on Etsy that you could then (as you mentioned) sew together to make a duvet. Possibly a super cool double sided duvet with two different patterns on each side that end up complementing each other when you fold down the duvet to make the bed.

          But yeah, in the meantime, here is one example from Cool Bedding, though there are lots of other stores too.

          https://www.etsy.com/listing/537837468/spiral-lace-mandala-duvet-cover-or?ref=shop_home_active_21

    9. H&M Home

    10. I don’t remember how much it was exactly, but certainly under $100- I love my Target Threshold (I think?) Cover.

11. Partial Venter, partial advice seeker:

    My sister has been going through a really rough personal time (A piece-of-sh!t-Husband, an MS diagnosis, 3rd child pregnancy, financial problems, and finally realizing that our parents aren’t all she had dreamt them up to be). Basically, she is going through a lot and isn’t good at dealing with emotions or practically approaching issues. She has always been there for me and been a perfect big sister. I am trying to be supportive and recently started a weekly phone call to check in with her, let her vent, strategize on dealing with her situation and general action items for life. The problem is I’m starting to dread our calls mostly because she has a lot of anger to let out and generally feels hopeless. The calls make me feel down and take away from my general life goal of feeding what feeds my soul. I am starting to see a bit of a change in her usually negative demeanor and she told me she feels like I am the only one who understands her/is there for her.

    So I guess my issue is how to stop dreading the phone calls and also how to stop feeling negative about the world/lemons life has thrown her after our phone calls. Most days, I feel good after the call because I have helped her and because it makes me appreciate my life a lot more. However, sometimes they can put me in a real funk because I can’t fix everything for her and know sh!tHusband isn’t going to change. I don’t want to stop calling her because I think she needs me/it and it seems to be helping a bit. Any advice/perspective or personal anecdotes welcome!

    1. Can you schedule something really enjoyable for immediately after each phone call?

       Also, I have been through something similar with a family member, where I take on this person’s negative feelings and get all anxious and depressed on their behalf. And then it turns out this person is feeling fine and I’m feeling worse than they are, which is stupid. So it helps to remind myself that I hear only the worst of their situation and most of the time they are fine.

    2. As someone who was in a somewhat similar situation to your sister, I really appreciated the friend who scheduled monthly Saturday morning massages for us. It was at the local massage school so it was cheap. Each paid separately but having her do the scheduling for this treat felt like true care and having an enjoyable routine experience grounded my completely hectic life a little. I eventually realized that talking about the sad things in my life was bringing her down – but honestly it took a long time.

    3. Isn’t this just part of being a good friend/family member? Sometimes I feel like the conversations on this board lean towards the “do things that feed your soul, set boundaries, not your problem, distance yourself from negativity” etc. I’m all for setting healthy boundaries and self-care, but part of life is that you, your friends, and your family will experience difficult times, illness, etc. and it is a part of life to be there and support them even if it doesn’t make you feel happy or “feed your soul.” You might dread the weekly calls, and feel sad after those calls, but in my opinion, that’s ok. You say she’s always been there for you and been a good sister — now is just the time in your life where you are supporting her through something. It’s ok that it’s sometimes uncomfortable and doesn’t always feel good — it’s part of life and being a good sister/friend. When I have family or friends struggling, it does make me sad to talk to them about their pain, but it doesn’t last forever. Sometimes I find meditation/sending good thoughts out to people I know are having a hard time helps.

       1. I appreciate all the feedback.
          Thank you Senior Attorney! Perhaps a piece of dark chocolate would change up my mood.

          S Anon- I agree with you completely which is why I will continue to keep calling her and being there for her etc. I just wanted to see if there was some way for me to not dread it so much. Just because I should do something doesn’t mean I can’t look for ways to make it easy on myself. I have been meditating a lot more recently, just to better cope with her pain

          1. One more piece of advice is to try to reframe being there for your sister as something that feeds your soul; yes, it’s going to be hard sometimes, but many good things are hard at first.

             Other ideas that may have already been posted: try to spend some of the conversation talking about what’s going on with you. And then ask her “so other than Jerkface from the Jerk store, how are things going.” Because sometimes when a marriage splits up, both sides of it end up being treated like they have a terminal illness; people tip-toe around them and end up acting completely differently than they usually do. So one of the best things you could do for your sister right now, I think, is bring back at least some small semblance of normality to her life. Even if that means driving your phone conversations away from soon to be ex-DH and onto more neutral topics.

             Also, I wasn’t sure from your original post if they are divorced yet or not? If they aren’t divorced and she decides to reconcile with him, that’s the most important time to tell her that you love and support her and will always be here when she needs it. Because the “sanctity” of marriage is something we’re taught from a young age and that feeling isn’t easy to wipe away. Part of her will always love this guy. But, if she does stay with him, is someone in her life who cares about her. I’ve seen way too many of my DV clients who were completely socially isolated, not just because of the abuser, but because many family and friends had washed their hands of the victim because he or she continued to go back to the abusive spouse. But, even in situations that don’t involve abuse, women will get battered on both sides of this issue (i.e. why are you getting divorced, why don’t you give him another chance vs. he’s awful and you should never see him again) and can lose friends or family no matter which course she chooses. So the best thing you can do, in addition to what you’re already doing, is to be there for her even if she’s doing things you find irrational and to shut down any family at Thanksgiving who try to ask her if she’s left him yet or whatever.

             1. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions!

                She isn’t in a place to divorce him and as you mentioned, there’s still love there so may not be something she wants to do. I worked with DV victims in my previous job so I think that training has been helpful in making me sensitive to her situation and be supportive/empowering.

    4. I’m not sure if you are still checking this thread but I am in an eerily similar situation. Phone calls were more like every 1-2 days and I have found myself creating some distance because it was weighing so heavily on me. Reading your post and the comments are helpful. One thing I realized is that I often felt better if I could come away from a call with my sister with some actionable item. Could I call a doctor to schedule an appointment? Review an email to her soon-to-be-ex-husband? Find a dog walker? It both gave me something concrete to do to help her and, well, also helped her.

       Another valuable lesson I learned, however, was that sometimes it was hard for her to turn down the offers of help but needed to.

       Anyway, hang in there. I have realized this is going to be the new normal for me for a long time. Solidarity.

       1. Hang in there!
          I found the actionable items is helpful for me as well. I am pretty far from her so can’t do much but have been checking in and holding her accountable for things she said she needs to get done but I know she ends up giving up on because of all that’s going on. I’ve helped her stay strong in situations and been able to use a lot of advice given to/by other Corporettes.
          For example, Jerk husband confirmed dinner plans without checking in with her. Once she told him she couldn’t because of the children’s schedules/medical appointments he tried to play the I’m-the-man-what-i-say-goes-card. I used another post from a few days ago as inspiration and told her she must absolutely refuse to go since he keeps doing this and to get out of the house if she needs to.

          It’s also hard being brought up in a culture where the husband is king. Since our mother is still belongs to that school of thought i am mostly alone in helping her stand up to him. It’s tough wondering if I am giving her the right advice too.

          I’m here if you want to vent or commiserate or bounce ideas of one another. Just give me a shoutout as “little sister” in the more recent posts anytime you want to chat. Maybe we can find a way to anonymously exchange emails or something

12. How do you deal with post-date lack of follow up when it’s not terrible but not great?

    I was set up with a guy, a friend of a friend. Had an amazing time, talked for over three hours. Thought there was chemistry and certainly plenty to talk about. Thanked him for dinner and a nice time and he wrote back right away. Then… nothing. I waited a couple days and checked in to see how he’s doing. He responded and was friendly and shared details, but asked no questions and didn’t mention another date. Is he just not that into me? Should I be bold and ask him out? I have no clue what to do here. If a friend told me about this I’d say forget it, but I so rarely have great dates that I guess I’m looking for an excuse to lower post-date communication standards… thoughts?

    1. I am so sorry to say this, but if he wanted to see you again he’d have set something up already. A man who wants to be with you will move heaven and earth to be with you, and a man who doesn’t move heaven and earth to be with you is not that into you. I’m so sorry. But once I finally got it into my head that I wasn’t going to chase men, things really got a lot better for me.

       1. +100 Agreed. It certainly sucks and I have been in this situation countless times but if he does not show enthusiasm for scooping you up before someone else does (you ARE worth it!) then I’d pass on this guy. I second Senior Attorney in saying that as soon as I realized this, dating got sooo much better. Hang in there.

    2. Also sorry to say that in my experience, he’s not going to ask you out again. He probably enjoyed meeting you too, but for whatever reason doesn’t want to pursue it. If you want to know for sure, though, ask him out again – best case scenario he says yes, and worst case is that you have an answer and can stop hoping he’ll ask.

    3. Have you read the book “He’s Just Not That Into Me” (as opposed to seeing the travesty of a movie that totally mangled the point of the whole book)? Because, if not, you totally should. The author goes way beyond just the catchphrase in the title and talks in-depth about having the courage and self-confidence to be okay being alone and not to chase after men who aren’t looking back at you (if that makes any sense.) Even though I was engaged or soon to be when I read the book, I still found it a surprisingly interesting read.

       [Though it should be noted that I don’t necessarily agree with everything the author says; you do have to take some of the theories and advice with a pinch of salt.]

       Overall though, I agree with Senior Attorney (as usual) but will add that we all should just stop worrying about whether guys or gals are “that into us.” You don’t deserve to spend your whole dating life to come waiting for phone calls or texts that may never come. I’m not saying not to date (and I’m certainly not opposed to the concept of a woman asking a man out) but I would treat it a bit like I treat a job search; if I never hear back from a company after I’ve gone through all the trouble of applying, going in for an interview, and everything and don’t even get a polite “thanks but no thanks” email, I know that this company wouldn’t be one I wanted to work for anyway. And I think the same philosophy applies to dating and even longer-term SOs.

       If they can’t be bothered to get back in touch with you after a date, well, you don’t need that negativity in your life. And you certainly wouldn’t want to *date* that negativity. So unfortunately I think your best course of action is to file this under Men Who Are a Lost Cause and then get back into the game of looking for a man that isn’t a lost cause. (Easier said then done, I know, but worth it in the end.)

13. I am wondering how to deal with a new hire at my office. I feel like he is checking me out and borderline flirting with me…like, with his eyes…not that he is looking below my face or anything like that, more like it feels he is just checking me out, looking deeply into my eyes, that sort of thing.

    For reference, I am 37 years old and I NEVER recognize it when someone is flirting with me or checking me out. This is the first time in my professional career I can recall feeling this way. Advice?

    We are both single and he is pretty easy on the eyes but I would never date a colleague.

    1. Is he encroaching on your personal space? I don’t see someone being able to “look deeply into my eyes” without encroaching on my space. If that’s the case, you can start by greeting him with stiff-elbowed handshake to establish the space, invite him to talk across a table and keep the conversation extremely professional, talk extra loud, say things like “I can hear you fine from here” and finally bluntly ask him to give you your space if all that doesn’t work.

14. So I live in one of these overheated old apartment buildings where you control the heat by opening a window and a comforter is too heavy and cotton blanket is too light. Would you do a cotton quilt instead?

    1. A cotton quilt is what I use in the summer, and I find it has a nice weight without being stuffy, so I vote yes!

    2. I use a super light comforter.

    3. I got a great linen diamond-quilted, uh, quilt from Pottery Barn and I love it.

       https://www.potterybarn.com/products/diamond-linen-quilt-sham/?catalogId=84&sku=8457483&cm_ven=PLA&cm_cat=Google&cm_pla=Bedding%20%3E%20Quilts%20%26%20Coverlets&kwid=productads-adid^202405455838-device^c-plaid^319341371464-sku^8457483-adType^PLA&gclid=CjwKCAiAxarQBRAmEiwA6YcGKE4O2SyK69PQXjDzn8z_T3gVInyQEcxJT57gbpGAI3MzobzqdxHyxhoCkeMQAvD_BwE&cm_ite=[[PLA]%20-%20Good%20Desktop]

    4. I also enjoy a heating pad for these purposes because I can adjust the heat and the time it runs for (either two hours or until turned off) and if I use it with a lighter blanket, it keeps me warm when the heat is low during the day or at night. But if I’m sleeping with the window open like tonight, I would generally use the heating pad with a comforter instead.

       Basically, I love my heating pad and have become an evangelical proponent of it. (But in all seriousness, it does really work well on keeping you warm and it also can help with sore back muscles, abdominal pain, that sort of thing.)

15. Is changing the locks to your house DIY-able, or something you should hire a locksmith for? Does the answer change if I’m interested in the keypad/wireless-controlled locks as opposed to traditional key? This would involve 5+ doors.

    1. Changing a lock is easy. I’ve done it a few times. What gets me is re-keying the locks so one lock opens all the doors. I hire a locksmith to do that.

       I would proceed with caution on the wireless/number pad locks. I had one that failed. It wouldn’t unlock no matter what I did. The locksmith said that happens a lot with electronic locks. YMMV.

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