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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 256 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Cashmere Stole

Coffee Break

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Sofia Cashmere Cashmere Stole, Black I present to you: the black cashmere stole. Boring? You bet. But will you wear it a million times over the next 10 years? You bet. I bought a scarf like this years ago, on a similar sale at Henri Bendel, and I wear it all the time — it's my easy grab-it-and-go piece when I'm not sure how cold it is outside, great for date nights (I'll wear it with jeans as well as dresses), and I've packed it on pretty much every vacation I've taken in the past 10 years. I highly recommend. This one, by Sofia Cashmere, was $495, but is now marked to $195 at Neiman Marcus — use code SHOPNM for free shipping. Sofia Cashmere Cashmere Stole, Black (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

  1. D

    Posted in the budget question but will post here for more visibility since I need to know whether to go to the mall tonight:

    I found out yesterday I’m going to the Inaugural Ball. Yes THE Ball (with Obama) which is now 6 days away. I bought a ballgown for a different formal event in September where I was photographed. Is it faux pas for me to wear the same dress? 6 days doesn’t give me time to get alterations done on anything new and at 5’1″ you know any floor length frock will need to be altered. So thoughts?

    • De

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, especially if it’s such short notice! Ask yourself this–did you love the gown the first time you wore it? Did you love how you felt when you wore it? If the answer is yes, that’s all that matters! And if nothing else, would it feel better if you styled yourself differently?
      PS–excellent handle ;)

    • Cb

      No advice (although I’d vote yes as long as you feel fabulous in it) but squee, that sounds so exciting.

    • Brant

      can you dress it up/change it up with accessories (jewelry, wrap, etc) and/or hairstyle that are noticeably different than the first time you wore it?

    • cfm

      photographed by who? Like a newspaper, or just facebook photos? I think either way honestly you are fine

      I am going too!

    • Anonymous

      I think it is fine to wear the old dress again, unless you are a super famous person or something. But FYI, I have had Nordstrom do relatively simple same-day alterations for me before. So there may still be time if you want to get something new and you choose a gown that is easy to hem (no elaborate detailing or beading near the hem).

      • kerrycontrary

        second on the nordstrom alterations. But I agree that unless you are famous or constantly on Page 6 it doesn’t matter.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        I kind of hope you are super famous. I am super jealous. Have fun!

        • D

          I wish! I was in the paper because of an award in the dress and some of the same people will be around (though with 35,000 people, really who’s going to see me) which is why I’m a bit eeeeeh about wearing the same dress. I am also worried because it’s tailored for 3 inch heels but everything is advising to wear flats (which yes, my feet will die in heels, but still). Ugh, difficult decisions!

          • D

            I can’t walk in wedges and also find them incredibly ugly so can’t justify buying a pair… so that’s a no go. I think I’m headed to the mall :/

          • Susie

            Given that the last event was pretty recent, if there is some overlap in the attendance I wouldn’t be comfortable wearing the same dress. Even though I’m sure no one else would remember, I’d still be self-conscious. In any event, I’m sure you’ll look lovely, and have fun!

          • Susedna

            Hoping it’s not a celebrity whose dress people dissed on the Golden Globes thread a few days ago. ;-)

    • chocochat

      I’d say go with the same dress + different accessories / styles. Also, comfy wedges that won’t kill your feet, since if the gown is long, no one will see the shoes anyway.
      Have fun!!

    • elz

      Absolutely wear it again, if you liked it. What about Rent The Runway? Many of my friends and family have used it and love it. You can search by height, I think. Good luck!

  2. anon

    Is it normal for your bones to ache when pregnant? I’m about 12.5 weeks. Specifically, and this is TMI and a weird what-the-heck-is-going-on-in-my-body thing, but my cr*tch hurts. Like every time I sit down, it hurts, and it kills me to sit for a long period of time. But really, all of my bones hurt, and my skin is sensitive to the touch too. It honestly feels a little flu-like (not as bad, but headed in that direction), although I’m certain it’s not the flu. Is this normal???

    • Maddie Ross

      Yes, at least for me. At the end of the first tri, beginning of the second, my tailbone would ache, especially at the end of the day. Is it other bones too? I didn’t have problems with, say, my arms necessarily, although I did have that muscle ache from exhaustion all over my body.

    • mascot

      Your body is possessed. Literally. All sorts of weird pains happen while pregnant. Some of my notable pains including horrid pain in my pelvis/butt if I stood for too long and then laid down (I would get stuck on the bed or couch which my husband found hilarious), nipples felt like they were on fire in the third tri, round ligament pain (also known as lightning cr***h. The solution for me was giving birth. Sorry.

    • Midwest

      Sounds about right. I know you’re thinking ‘how can this be happening at 12 weeks? Is it all in my head?!’ Nope. Pregnancy does about 1 million annoying (I mean interesting!) things to the body. The good and bad news is that it all goes in stages. You feel achy and crummy right now, and a week from now you might feel fantastic. There’s just no way to tell how it’ll all go down.

      • anon

        Okay, y’all have made me feel much better. You pretty much nailed my thoughts, Midwest. The problem so far is that my stages have all been additional aches and pains, and none of the old ones are going away! I’m still throwing up almost every morning, plus I’ve been exhausted the whole time, and now I’ve got all of this achiness. Maybe if I replaced the throwing up with the aches, that would be okay, but now I’m like, Seriously? Both??? Ugh.

        I have also been completely unable to work a full day which is really not helpful.

    • Research, Not Law

      Yes. I had such excruciating round ligament pain with my first child during first trimester that I got checked for appendicitis. With my second, I felt like someone had beaten me in the crotch with a lead pipe. General aches will plague you throughout, although some weeks will be better (and worse) than others. Being pregnant is miserable.

      The best medicine for me was water aerobics. I also found yoga and pilates helpful. Getting up and shifting position during your day will help, too.

      My favorite pregnancy book, The Mother of Pregnancy Book, lists all symptoms and ill effects together rather than parsing them out week-by-week, which makes so much more sense, since they will come and go as they please.

      • anon

        Uggghhh, yes, being pregnant is so much worse than I was expecting! Aches, depression, nausea, lethargy, vomiting, really tender b**bs that make me wince when I roll my chair up to my desk, diarrhea and constipation (at different times), exhaustion, grumpiness, forgetfulness, general stupidity.

        I know I chose this but somehow I was not prepared for all of the symptoms!!! I guess mostly because my sister had an easy pregnancy, and she’s the only person I would have talked to much about it.

        • anon

          Oh, and the lead pipe description is right on. I couldn’t find the right words to describe it, but that’s exactly what I feel like.

        • moss

          pregnancy sucks, basically. Some people have it really easy and some just…don’t. It’s so tough on some people’s bodies. I feel ya. It’s only going to get worse. ;) But it’s worth it in the end.

        • CKB

          It seemed to me that there was a ton of things that people just don’t talk about in relation to pregnancy. My strangest side effect was that my tastebuds changed. I could no longer eat tomato based sauces because they tasted SO sweet to me – it was really weird, but thankfully went away.

          • Nancy P

            Funny, I now hate some tomato sauces because they taste super acidic to me.

    • midwest anon

      I’m just a little behind you in pregnancy and I am having sciatica. I never even knew what that was until it started hurting so badly I had to google it, so I am guessing that the pain you’re experiencing is related, as well.
      I haven’t felt right since I suspected I was pregnant (very early) and I am just keeping my fingers crossed that the second trimester is better, because I am miserable right now. I know millions of women have been pregnant and made it through, but feeling this awful this early does not make me optimistic for the months to come. Hang in there! If you start feeling down, you can think of me, because misery loves company, right?

    • mamabear

      Yes, look up sacroiliac pain. I could barely walk by the end of each of my three pregancies. I found physical therapy helped.

    • Ru

      I kinda love these pregnancy threads. I may never get pregnant. But it’s all so fascinating.

      • Annon

        Same here, i absolutely terrified of getting pregnant after reading some of the threads. I will never survive and get the baby out.

        • lawsuited

          I tell DH that I will have a baby when there’s a different way of doing it :P

    • e_pontellier

      I kinda love these too. I’m young and not looking to have kids soon, but I’m nervous about fertility so I feel like DH & I should start TTC soon. It’s really helpful to remember that pregnancy will not be a walk in the park, and for the sake of my future kids, I should wait a few more years… (right?)

      • anon

        Whoa, I thought you were getting divorced?? I feel like I just read the thread where you were moving out and everyone was cheering you on and saying how happy you felt to be taking action. From the abusive guy?? please wait. possibly forever (at least with him)

          • anon for this

            Seriously… sometimes i wonder why people bother giving their opinions on those threads. This OP clearly doesn’t take the comments to heart if she seriously is thinking about having kids with her (awful based on her testimony) husband.

      • right.

        Pregnancy will not be a walk in the park. Especially when you are in the bathroom throwing up so violently that the sheer strain gives you black eyes and you physically cannot get up and walk to a closet to get a towel or hair tie and you are begging your DH to get you a hair tie or a pad or anything and he is 8 feet away and in one of his multi-day ignoring you phases.

        But that will be nothing compared to what it’s like when Daddy does that to a three year old who is scared in the middle of the night. Or a two-year old who is hungry and has no idea what he did yesterday to p*ss Daddy off.

        • Anon

          This is a really good point. So much of the discussion of having kids is like “is my marriage ready” “what’s all this crazyness with my body” “I’m trying to plan around a career” not “am I going to be a good parent? Is my spouse? Can we be good parents together?”

      • cc

        You should wait. It is hard enough with that being the only stressor in your life. Thats all I’ll say about that I guess.

      • Anonyoudeservebetter

        An abuser can make you feel like–or even tell you–that you don’t deserve better. It’s a lie.
        Your kid(s) deserve better, too.

        I think a lot of people leave many times in their mind before their body actually makes the break.

    • Kara

      This is probably due to pelvic floor muscles issues (specifically psoas, periformis, and hamstrings). Basically your muscles shorten over time (sitting and improper alignment a lot makes this worse) causing pain–many times in the pelvic/cr*tch area. This isn’t limited to pregnancy, but a lot of times pregnancy will make this worse because it is throwing your alignment off more. For help on how to fix this, see a physical therapist and also go check out this website: katysays . Search Mama, Baby Alignment and you can see a specific post, but she also has stuff all throughout her blog that has been really helpful to me.

    • Divaliscious11

      Yes. I felt like I was 40 years older when I was pregnant. I am one of those women who loved the prize but hated being pregnant. The only ooos and ahhhs I had were aches and pains and I had what most would consider an easy pregnancy….

  3. baby Budget?

    The clothing budget + yesterday’s discussion about starting to more actively TTC has got me thinking about baby budgets.

    Can anyone offer financial tips or resources for someone looking to have their first (of 2-3) child in the next 12-18 months? Any big, unexpected expenses that came about during/after pregnancy? DH and I own our home, can pay the mortgage and meet our basic living expenses on just one of our salaries and have a 6-10-month fully funded emergency fund. Theory is, if one of us loses our job, we won’t have to touch the e-fund. if both of us lose our jobs or are unable to work, we have 6-10 months before dipping into other savings/resources.

    My maternity benefits aren’t 6-months biglaw fantastic, but they exist.

    • NoTrustFund

      Bar far the biggest expense for us kid-wise (and everything wise actually) is childcare. We live in the Midwest where daycare is very popular (whereas most of my friends on the coasts have nannies) and we pay $2,600 month for two kids. This is the base not including extras for our older kid, like art and music class which are additional. There is one daycare that we looked at that was way more but most were similar in price. I knew childcare would be a lot but the magnitude was surprising.

      Other big expense besides the basic baby gear were drafting a will ($1000 ish) and then college savings.

      If you can afford basics on one of your incomes it sounds like you are pretty prepared. That’s how we have it set up with one of our incomes going towards childcare+college saving+other savings.

      • baby Budget?

        I am less worried (ha!) about daycare since in theory, if I’m working, I can pay for daycare. if i am not working (by choice?), daycare costs decrease drastically. I haven’t even looked into this, since I’m not even pregnant, but I think we’ll probably do a mothers helper/babysitter/daycare hybrid model since DH and I have fairly flexible work arrangements. I’d never be foolish enough to think I could work from home with a baby full time without help, but I may be able to soften the blow by getting someone to watch Baby while I work from elsewhere in the home a couple days week, then move to daycare to get myself some peace & quiet.

    • Research, Not Law

      Childcare, childcare, childcare. I’d also add a lot more take-out meals and services such as expedited shipping and housekeepers. Agree with previous poster re: will and college fund.

      I was caught off guard by how expensive it was to set up a nursery, carseats, and the first year of clothes and toys. There are inexpensive and expensive ways of doing it. We did it all for less than $1k, but someone who wants top brands can easily spend $15k+.

      The only other large expense I can think of is unexpected medical expenses for mom or baby. I’ve known people with percentage-based copays who ended up playing quite a bit after something went wrong. By definition, those are hard to budget, but you could review your health plan to at least find out what you would be responsible for if you had an emergency c-section and a five-day hospital stay, which is the higher range of normal.

      You may want to also think about what you’d like to upgrade prior to having a child, such as home remodel work or a different car.

      • baby Budget?

        you’re good…I already called my health plan to get an estimate for “typical scenario” and “more care than typical”- like the c-section or extended stay scenarios. I do have a % based coinsurance component, but I also have an HSA account (jointly funded by me/my employer) with which to fund that care– I called the plan during open enrollment to figure out how much extra I should contribute to that HSA.

        We are also doing car shopping, but that has been in the works for about 6 months and we are just looking for something that can accommodate baby + dog (which is a vast improvement over our current cars, which cannot even adequately accommodate the dog…)

      • Maddie Ross

        +1 as to setting up a nursery. I’ve never in my life decorated an entire room in one fell swoop before and that’s exactly what it is. New furniture, bedding, rugs, window treatment, paint, etc. All at one time. And that doesn’t even include the other baby gear (clothes, safety products, etc.). We haven’t had a lot of family help (no one is in a financial position to help us with anything over about $50-100 total), so it’s all coming from savings. I wish I had thought more about planning ahead for this portion of the expense. Our monthly costs (childcare, diapering, etc.) we’d considered, but not the lump sum for set up.

        • goirishkj

          And I don’t know about your house, but at mine Baby certainly has the nicest room! I tried to find things on sale and to keep it under control, but all that stuff adds up, especially since the room was basically a blank canvas.

          • saacnmama

            DS always has the nicest room at our place.

            That said, I think a lot of the “must have” are booooooo-gus. Those bucket things really aren’t that good for kids. A safe crib or extension on your bed so you can co-sleep is a must. I set up a changing table just like everyone else, found that while I liked having supplies organized, I usually just grabbed a pad and did it on the living room floor. Don’t get a swing or bouncer or whatever until you see what little one like–you might be surprised.

            Good breast pumps are a few hundred $$, but I had one given to me (am still waiting to meet someone who I want to give it to).

            Think about toys and books ahead of time. You want your babe to have stuff to explore and play with, but there’s no need to drown them.

            Honestly, biggest “expense” for me was not financial; it was the huge drain on my energy that constantly being on call brings. Lots and lots of little things made me h u r t.

        • InfoGeek

          We super skimped on baby gear. My parents bought the crib. Bouncy seat was a baby gift. The toys, teethers, doorway-bouncer/jumper, pack ‘n’ play were all hand-me-downs. Our splurge was buying 2 carseats — one for each car so we didn’t have to move one back and forth.

          We didn’t even buy a simple umbrella stroller for the longest time.

          We did eventually buy a high chair (or maybe my in-laws bought it?). I still wish we had just bought one that sits in a chair at the table as my parents had one for their house and it seemed cheaper, easier, and took up less room.

          Also, we didn’t have a nursery out of a decorating magazine (and we were renting, so some things weren’t possible). The crib was new. We used a hand-me-down triple dresser (that we already had). No changing table. No rocking chair/glider. We did buy some child-sized hangers for the closet. Babies don’t need anything other than clothes storage and space for a few small toys & books for quite a while. You can add other things later (although if you’re going to paint it is easier before baby takes up residence).

    • mascot

      How are you on life insurance? We took out decent size policies after our child was born (would cover education, spousal support, mortgage etc) and it’s about $4k in premiums annually. While we don’t go out to adults dinner as much, when we do it involves getting a sitter (say $40-$50) so I don’t think our spending in that area has really dropped that much.

      • Divaliscious11

        That is really expensive for life insurance? Do you have whole life policies? Those are, for the most part a racket, unless you are really affluent and need some place to dump cash…..

        For eg.. we are 2 adults, early 40’s and have $1mill+ policies on each and we pay less than $1800 annually.

      • Meg Murry

        Buy health insurance now, pre-TTC, as insurance rates are partially determined by your health and if you have any pregnancy related complications such as high blood pressure that may make your rates higher.

        Relevant to this site – now is not the time to buy “investment” clothes or shoes. Buy decent ones – you don’t have to go to shopping only at Target, but now isn’t the time to buy a new wardrobe of Theory suits. Even if you get back to pre-pregnancy weight quickly, your shape might not be exactly the same. If you have a body shape similar to your mother (or her pre-pregnancy shape), ask her which areas changed, chances are yours will be the same. Shoes too – my feet went up 1/2-1 size each pregnancy, plus now I am firmly in the “need wide” camp as opposed to “some brands are a little narrow”.

    • anon

      I just want to echo that every other expense is dwarfed by the cost of childcare. Also, you can skimp on everything — thrifted crib, borrowed swing, hand-me-down clothes, even used cloth diapers if that’s the way you want to go — but you cannot skimp on childcare.

      Another expense, for me, was breastfeeding paraphernalia. Pump (plus hospital grade pump rental), lactation consultants, pump parts, lactogenic supplements — all of those add way up. If you have an easy lactation experience, you probably won’t spend much here, but if something goes wrong, it can get very expensive. (Formula would have been cheap compared to what I spent on fenugreek and the Medela Symphony!)

      • kc esq

        FYI – pumps are supposed to be covered by health insurance now thanks to Obamacare. I may be mistaken, but I don’t think that you can just walk into any store and buy one and have it be covered, but a little research should explain the conditions on the coverage.

      • Also in Academia

        Pumps and pumping supplies are expensive but some of it (the pump at least) should now be covered by your insurance. I think if you (the general you, not any poster in particular) wait until you can really afford a child no one would ever actually have one. Overall, though, as with weddings, what you spend or scrimp on is ultimately up to you. A good daycare is paramount for most people and rightly so, but you may make a variety of decisions about curtains, linens, shopping at consignment stores, etc. I mean, the baby doesn’t care that it has nice curtains, so that’s something I waited on. He’s a very adaptable baby, though, so if he’d had trouble going to sleep during the day I might have bought blackout curtains instead of his current simple white ones. Craigslist has been great for many things, too.

    • NE Attorney

      One other expense that was pretty hefty for us, but is optional depending on your view, was cord blood banking. My husband and I decided to bank our baby’s cord blood for a variety of reasons, including that we have a disease in our family history that could be aided by cord blood in the future. We went with Cord Blood Registry and the price was $2195 for the initial collection and is $125 per year thereafter.

  4. De

    How do you know when it’s time to “break up” wtih a friend? I have this friend, we’ve known eachother for about 4 years, friends for a little over 3. Most of the time she’s pretty good, we have fun together, talk often, hang out maybe once a month. But there are times when she’s just flat out mean. And after getting into a fight this morning, I’m just tired of it. I’ve never really been in this sort of situation before, and on one hand, I don’t want to lose a friend, but on the other, I’m getting close to my boiling point.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      My threshold is, when someone is bringing more negativity into my life than positivity, it’s time to curtail the relationship. It sounds like that’s where you are with this friend (and really, “fights” with friends as an adult should be a rarity, IMO, and it doesn’t sound like that is so for this friend) and so I would scale back the relationship.

    • midwest anon

      I recommend “the fade.” Be a little too busy to talk and be too busy to hang out. If she values your friendship, she may ask what is wrong and you could have an honest conversation with her about how her mean streak has changed your desire to be as close. If she doesn’t reach out… then it’s probably good riddance.

      • De

        I do like this idea. And might help tip the scales if using moments’ threshold idea, which I also like. But it’s hard to get a perspective on the overall negative/positive effect. I should get out my abbacus and start figuring out the comparisons.

        And maybe after a little fade she will be more open to listening about how my feelings are getting hurt. That was a point I made in the altercation this morning, and she lashed out even further, which made me want to walk away.

      • Lady Harriet

        I agree. My childhood best friend and I were in the process of this several years ago when she caused a lot of stupid, unnecessary drama cutting the friendship off abruptly. I was content to let the friendship drift apart naturally, since we had grown up into very different people and didn’t have anything in common any more, but she didn’t want that. I got a Facebook message listing all my wrongs (real and imagined) over the last 15 years. It ended along the lines of “I know you won’t be able to resist writing an angry letter back to me, but goodbye and good riddance!” Needless to say, I did not give her the satisfaction of a response. I found out later that she tried unsuccessfully to get another mutual friend to drop me in the same abrupt manner without providing any explanation for why our friend should do so. I appreciate the good memories of growing up with her, but I don’t want someone like that in my life any more.

    • Lola

      I did this for a friend with a mean streak – i started the fade, and when she realized it, she said, “um, are you mad at me or something” to which I responded, “as a matter of fact…” and we sat down and had a real conversation about our friendship, her issues (of which there are many and she told me she is working on them with a therapist), and my hurt feelings (from when she was mean). I’m glad to say we are still friends. She can still veer into mean sometimes but it’s no longer directed at me, and I try to stand up for some of my other friends when she directs it at them – and she’ll back down from me. Reminds me of my puppy and other dogs actually, lol. I’m glad we salvaged, but 100% agree your friend has to make the effort to change. Good luck.

      • De

        Thanks, Lola. I guess if nothing else, if I fade and she asks why, we can have a heart to heart (I hope)…if she doesn’t ask, I guess it fades. I also have to ask myself whether I don’t want to leave the friendship because I don’t want to have even fewer friends, or if I genuinely don’t want to leave the friendship.

    • Ella

      I think if you value the friendship, which you have to evaluate, you should have the conversation openly and honestly. And, as someone who can be mean sometimes and who doesn’t mean to be/doesn’t want to be/is working on it, I’d prefer to have a conversation about it and work on it with someone I care about, rather than having someone do the fade on me.

  5. I look confused?

    Threadjack –

    I’ve just started a new job. There is obviously a lot for me to learn in the next few months, and I’ve been doing my best to introduce myself around, listen well, and take copious notes as I acclimate to my role.

    Here is my problem: My new boss seems to think that I look confused when I am simply being an active listener. This person has asked me a couple of times since my arriving whether I understand what s/he is saying, and recently even interrupted a meeting to say “X, you look confused.” The kicker is that this is not the first time I have heard this. A few years ago a former boss made the same comment. But it was not to this degree, and I am very concerned that I am making a poor impression.

    Does anyone have suggestions for me? I am just at a loss.

    • Nancy P

      Have you tried simply bluntly rebutting that statement, e.g. “no, this is how I look when I’m listening, please continue.” I had a similar experience with a boss — he thought nodding meant blind agreement. (Reasonable conclusion.) I said “no, that just indicates that I’m processing what you’re saying, have no fear I will tell you when I disagree.” Solved the problem.

      • lawsuited

        +1

        Especially if the individual is trying bully you, the blunt approach will put them in their place.

    • Ginger

      I have gotten that comment occasionally. What do you consider being an active listener? I.e., tilting your head or furrowing your brows may be something to indicate that you are attentive and not falling asleep (or just something you do), but could come off as questioning or quizzical to others. Maybe try consciously adjusting the body language that is part of your active listening. I’ve found that inserting micro-nods at appropriate places as you listen to indicate that you’ve grasped what’s being said and are following the conversation is helpful. Just don’t be a bobblehead.

    • k-padi

      This was a favorite comment of the partner that bullied me. It was her way of making me look incompetent in front of others and making me doubt myself.

      I’ve found that it can be helpful to use pauses in the conversation to sum of the conversation. Ala, “We have to get a draft to Person by Wednesday. I will do the research, discuss with you by Monday, then write the draft for your review on Tuesday. It’ll be tight but doable.”

    • TBK

      Do you have an SO or good friend who could give you feedback? It might be something as specific as “you move your left eyebrow like this,” which you could slowly train yourself not to do. People used to think I looked angry when I was concentrating hard on doing good work. My supervisor at my college work-study job thought I was upset to be working when I really just wanted to make a good impression! After a few weeks of being aware of my facial expression and consciously changing it, I haven’t gotten that comment since.

      • AIMS

        This is what I would do. I think that the fact that you have gotten the comment more than once may mean that your “listening” face might come off as “I am confused” face.

    • mamabear

      That was what finally pushed me over the edge into getting botox in my forehead (for the “11” between my brows. “You look worried” or “Are you OK? You look annoyed.” All the time.

    • anon for this

      I have a co-worker that constantly looks confused whenever anyone talks to her. She’ll ask a question, I’ll answer, and then she’ll stare at me for a full 30 seconds before speaking again. I felt so bad the one time I asked “why do you look confused” after I had told her something really simple (I’m taking the train to X location), but its sort of annoying… I would look at your body language and face in the mirror and maybe try adjusting it. I mean I have a constant bitch face when I’m not smiling so I get sick of the “you look sad/angry/tired” comments from RANDOM strangers on the street. I also agree with just saying “No this is how I look when I’m processing information, I’ll let you know if I’m confused”

    • onehsancare

      How did you respond? I’d respond with a bright, “No, this is just my ‘Active Listening Face! When I’m confused, don’t worry–I’ll ask for an explanation.”

      • Adele

        I am really surprised by all the snarky response suggestions. The OP said that she has gotten this before from others. Is there not a possibility that she genuinely looks confused when she is not? Is the solution really to be snarky and not reflective? I’m not suggesting that a smart remark might not sometimes be appropriate, but sometimes it’s not them, it’s you. Particularly when you’re starting in a new office and your boss may genuinely want to make sure you are up to speed on things, this may not be the best way forward.

        • Away Game

          I don’t think the responses are snarky, if you mean the suggestions to say something like “nope, this is just how I look when I’m listening.” I think they are pointed and direct. As a supervisor, it’s exactly the feedback I’d want from an employee if I were misjudging body language. No need for a big meeting, or the drama of coming in to close the door, and honestly it will ease some of my concerns, so yeah, just call it out and I’ll know. Simple.

        • Godzilla

          It’s a personality thing. Lots of people on here are actually snarky and saying something like this wouldn’t be considered rude. Again, know yourself, know your coworkers, know your office. Your face is your face.

        • saacnmama

          Nope, I think she should snark away, or laugh it off. In a way that shows it’s totally inaccurate. If it’s the same people again and again, that will get it across most quickly. If she’s able to put together a quick quip about what was just said on-the-spot, so much the better!

    • Ellen

      Just do NOT wrinkel your nose or fourhead when you are thinking b/c that make’s you look confused. The manageing partner think’s I am confused when I do that but it’s because he OFTEN does NOT speak loudely enough. Some times I have to tell him to speak LOUDER b/c he is very meek when he talks to me.

      BTW, I love CASHEMERE sweter’s!!!! When I was in law school, I told some peeople that I loved CASHEMERE, and this guy, Stan, went to Lord and Taylor at Tyson’s Corner’s a local departement store and got me a red cashemere sweter. I did NOT even know him, but he was so sweet b/c I was cold in the school b/c the heat was NOT up yet. I think he wanted to date me so I told HIM there was already this guy from college that I was seeing (even tho I was NOT), but if he wanted I would pay him the $80 for the sweter. He said keep it anyway, so I told him if he was sure. He said OK, and I kept the sweter. Every time I wore the red sweter, Stan came up and said hello. I think he still wanted to date me but I was to busy studyeing to be bothered with guy’s. He was a nice guy tho, and I still have the sweter at home. Hopefuly, I will loose a few more pound’s and will be abel to wear it THIS winter to work b/c it is NOT revealing and the manageing partner and Frank will NOT be abel to stare at me and see anything. YAY!

  6. meme

    Vicarious shopping request: I am in the market for flat boots to wear with skinny jeans and maybe occasionally skirts. I’m flexible on color – just something fairly neutral. No suede. I live in a wintery climate, and I’d like to avoid smooth leather soles that would be slippery on icy surfaces. Are there nice leather boots out there with slightly grippier soles (that are not snow boots)? Also, I have scrawny calves, so anything that runs wide is out. I have yet to try on boots that aren’t roomier than I’d like in the calves. I’d like to spend less than $200 but might go up to $300 or so for the perfect pair. Thanks in advance ladies!

    • NOLA

      meme, I’m running off to class, but Zappos does allow you to choose circumference and shaft height (especially important if you are petite). You should be able to get grippy soles.

    • Suzer

      Try DSW dot com. I have bird legs with big feet (hot!), and the very fist boot that comes up if you click the “Riding Boots” graphic on the homepage is reviewed as having narrow shaft/calf fit.

    • PollyD

      I am wearing a pair of Born boots now that have a rubber sole. I am also smallish of calf and they fit nicely, no gaping but still able to wear skinny jeans under them. I also like the Miz Mooz brand for boots.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      how tall are you? Ariat had an absolutely beautiful pair I desperately wanted to keep, but the shaft was too tall (17 inches) for my 5’6″ frame and hit the back of my knee. I can’t remember if they had grippier soles, but I have a cobbler put sturdier soles on all of my smooth leather soled shoes anyway.

      (I’ve been ordering and returning boots for about two weeks trying to find the perfect pair. I have a Joan & David pair waiting to be tried on that I’m hopeful about).

      • meme

        I am 5’7″ and fairly evenly proportioned.

        And good point about the cobbler’s ability to put grippier soles on! I won’t worry so much about the slippery soles issue then – that will widen the field of possibilties.

        I’ll search for the Ariats and go measure the shaft of my other boots to see how tall I can go there. Thanks!

        • Gail the Goldfish

          They were the Ariat Preston. Zappos says the circumference is 16″, but I think it was smaller than that because I usually need like a 14-15″ and they didn’t look too big in the calf.

          Hunter also has a leather pair on sale on their website that I tried-the Sylvie. It fit around the top part of the boot, but the middle of the shaft was a little larger. I’m looking for something to wear with tights and skirts, though, so those might have worked if you want to wear them with jeans.

      • SoCalAtty

        Re: any Ariat purchase

        I’ve always had Ariats, I love their paddock boots, and I’ve had their tall boots throughout the years. They used to actually be made here in California, but a few years ago they moved production to China. The craftsmanship has suffered – so check those seams! Also, for anyone looking to get the perfect pair of flat riding boots where $$ is no issue, go to your local tack shop and pick out some customs. They measure your calves, feet, and height and a few months later you have the exact tall boot you want. If you’re not actually going to ride in them, get the softest leather possible (baby calf, likely).

        I still buy Ariats (I’ve got at least 3-4 pairs in my closet) but I’m always a little cautious with them now.

        • a.

          Late but +1. I’ve had the same pair of Ariat paddock boots for going on nine years, and they’re still in good shape, considering…so I will cling to them as long as feasible. My dad replaced his old California-made pair with some from China and the leather started cracking in about three months. Ridiculous.

    • saacnmama

      I love my Redwings. Don’t see them on their site now, got them several years ago when I ordered about 10 pr of boots from Zappos and tried them all.

    • Miss A

      Try Aquatalia by Marvin K (sold at nordstroms/zappos/etc). I splurged when amazon had a great sale and I LOVE that they are weatherproof + grippy and their taller boots are skinny shafts. See also Kate Middleton

  8. k-padi

    I know we’ve had a bajillion book threads but I have two specific requests:

    1) Non-fiction recommendations (science, economics, psychology, or history-type stuff)
    2) Audiobook recommendations for the plane. I just finished the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy and need some inflight entertainment.

    Thanks!

    • Cb

      Ooh, I can offer some book advice! I don’t read loads of non-fiction (get quite enough in academia) but just starting ‘Thinking Fast and Slow’ which is good so far but requires a highlighter and some post-it notes.

      Have you read the Tina Fey book? Mindy Kaling? Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman? I also love the Jeeves and Wooster audiobooks for light entertainment.

      • k-padi

        Ooh. No highlighters. I read enough dense material at work. I’m thinking NF like Freakonomics, the Mary Roach books, etc. (all of which I’ve read).

        Loved Bossypants and Mindy Kaling’s book. I’ll pick up the Caitlin Moran book.

        • a.

          Yes, read How to be a Woman if you haven’t already! I enjoyed Bossypants more, but it was still a good combination of funny and thought-provoking.

          • b23

            I hated that book. Hated it. I thought it was just looking for shock value and that a bunch of it was probably not true. (Talking about How to Be a Woman.) Anyone else have that feeling?

          • TO Lawyer

            b23 – yes I did. I read it because it was so highly recommended here but was totally underwhelmed. I didn’t hate it but definitely felt like I wasted my time reading it. Only pushed my way through it because of the positive reviews

          • Emma Woodhouse

            I was not a fan! I really thought I was going to love it. But I found it very self-serving (as in, not really helpful to anyone who is not Caitlan Moran), and very hypocritical. PLEASE do not tell me to gather up my “lady balls” (or something similar) to defeat sexim. No no no.

      • Esquared

        The comedienne books suggested here are AMAZING through audio versions because they usually do their own & they are hilarious.
        Als0 add to the pack the Sarah Silverman book. Way darker than I expected, but still really good.
        If you do feel like venturing into fiction… I’m absolutely loving the disc world books right now & there are about a 100 of them.

      • Susedna

        Loved the Kahneman book. I loved working through the “tests”/exercises they researchers made their test subjects do to see if I was relying too much on “fast” thinking. (Yes, I was, most of the time.)

      • k-padi

        No, I’m not on that site. I’ll sign up tonight. Do I need any special permission to access “our” site?

    • mamabear

      I fly just about every week and have finally discovered magazine downloads onto my iPad. I have to plan ahead enough to download issues at home using my own wifi – airport and airplane wifi are too slow – but I can keep myself entertained from SF to NY with a single issue of Vanity Fair. I’m a print subscriber so Vogue, Vanity Fair and Cooking Light are free to me, as well as the SF Chronicle (also a print subscriber.)

      • AIMS

        FYI – there’s an app called nextissue that allows you access to a whole slew of magazines on the ipad for $10/mo.

        If you’re a New Yorker subscriber, they’re ipad app is also awesome.

    • a.

      On the recommendation of someone here, I read “Pagan Holiday: On the Trail of Ancient Roman Tourists,” and then “The Naked Olympics” by the same author. The first one is a kind of historical nonfiction/modern travelogue hybrid, which I really enjoyed. The second is a more straightforward nonfictional account of the Greek and Roman Olympics. I feel like I learned some cool stuff from both, but they were simple and entertaining to read.

      But that’s all I got in the nonfiction realm. I’m more of a fiction girl.

    • Cb

      Not sure if it is available in the States yet but Miranda Hart’s book is incredible.

    • meme

      For nonfiction I liked “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks” by Rebecca Skloot (About a poor tobacco farmer woman who died in the 50’s from cancer. Her cells were taken without her knowledge and used in medical research. The cells proliferated and became important tools in developing all sorts of medical technologies.). I also liked “The Emporor of all Maladies: A Biography of Cancer” by Siddhartha Mukherjee. Maybe I should have gone into medicine rather than law.

    • Anonymous

      Second “The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.”

      On the psychology front, I recommend “Quiet” (it has a longer subtitle) by Susan Cain, and I’ve heard great things about “Daring Greatly” by Brene Brown, but I haven’t yet read it myself.

    • Annon

      For non-fiction
      Born to Run
      Omnivore’s dilemma
      The Signal and the noise – nate silver book. I studied Bayesian statistics in-depth in college, this book has pretty good stuff for an introductory/casual reader

      • Annon

        Books by Atul Gawande – he is a New Yorker writer and also a surgeon, – very interesting reads
        1. Complications
        2. Better
        3. Checklist Manifesto

        • anon

          Are we the same person? These are my top 4 recs also, and I read a lot of non-fiction.

    • TO Lawyer

      non-fiction recommendations:
      pour your heart into it – howard schultz
      anything by Malcolm Gladwell
      Too Big to Fail
      The Power of Why – Amanda Lang (Canadian shout-out!)

      Those are a few of the really good non-fiction reads I’ve enjoyed over the past few months. I can’t think of anything else right now but if I do, I’ll let you know!

    • Lady Harriet

      I really enjoyed Neil Postman’s Amusing Ourselves to Death. It deals with the way television and other media change the way we think. It was written in 1985, but is still relevant today.

      I also liked Ship of Gold in the Deep Blue Sea. It’s about the 1857 wreck of the steamship SS Central America, which was carrying gold from the California gold rush back to New York, and the recovery of the wreck in the late 80’s.

      Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil is non-fiction, but it reads more like a novel. It’s about a murder that took place in Savannah, GA in the 80’s. The characters are amazing.

      I promise I don’t only read books about the 80’s, these three just happened to be from that period!

      • espresso bean

        Lady Harriet, I loved Amusing Ourselves to Death, too! It struck me as eerily prescient. I kind of wanted to give a copy to everyone I knew after I finished it.

    • Merabella

      non-fic: Disappearing Spoon

      fic: I’m in the 5th book of the Outlander Series. I like it, but the first book is a bit slow to get into. I have heard that the audio book is well done though.

      • k-padi

        Thanks all!

        Merabella, thanks for reminding me about the Outlander series. I read the first book a long time ago but thought it was slow and never read the rest of the series. It might be perfect as an audio book for the airplane though!

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      I liked In the Garden of Beasts as an audiobook. It’s non-fiction, very interesting and very well narrated.

      • darby

        tacking onto Mary Ann Singleton’s name, have you read the Tales of the City series by Armisted Maupin? I *loved* them & since you’re in the Bay Area, I think of them as required reading.

    • Herbie

      Non-fiction recommendations. I went on a read-everything-about-North-Korea kick last year, so I will recommend Escape from Camp 14 (as the name suggests, the tale of how a man born and raised in one of North Korea’s concentration camps escaped) and Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea. Both very eye-opening. Emotionally pretty heavy stuff, though.

      Second Bossy Pants and How to Be a Woman. Also, Mindy Kaling’s book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

      I also like reading books about historical ladies. I particularly enjoyed Georgiana: Duchess of Kent (the book upon which the movie The Duchess was based) and Marie Antoinette: The Journey by Antonia Fraser. And finally, one about Queen Victoria called We Two: Victoria and Albert.

      • Lalo

        On North Korea, but not non-fiction, I really liked “All Woman and Springtime.”

    • espresso bean

      For a science-y nonfiction read, have you read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks? I’m about as far from a science person as one could get, but I find it fascinating — a real page-turner! And the author does a good job of breaking down the more complex scientific concepts and making them understandable.

      Other nonfiction suggestions:

      Behind The Beautiful Forevers by Katherine Boo, about life in a Mumbai slum. Heartbreaking, but a very good read.
      Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain
      Bowling Alone (this is a little dated now, but I still enjoyed it)
      The Life and Death of American Cities (from the ’60s, but still relevant today. I LOVED this one)

    • I am a banana.

      Colossus: Hoover Dam and the Making of an American Century was my favorite non-fiction read last year. Deep Creek, by Dana Hand, was in interesting historical fiction account of a massacre of Chinese miners. I read both because they were (deservedly) on the ABA’s book list last year.

      If you enjoy travel writing at all, I have really enjoyed Paul Theroux’s books. Dark Star Safari, about his overland trip all the way through Africa, was probably my favorite.

      Finally, I just finished a book called Home: A Short History of an Idea, about the development of the concepts of comfort and domesticity and home life. I had no idea how interesting furniture was until I opened that one up.

    • ABC

      If you are interested in Civil War history, “Battle Cry of Freedom” is the best Civil War book I have ever read. I am in the middle of “Team of Rivals” which is great so far. Both of these books are quite long.

      A few other non-fiction suggestions:
      Boomerang
      Killing Kennedy
      The Black Swan (not related to the movie)
      Friday Night Lights (the tv series is VERY loosely based on this book)

    • LLBMBA

      The Catherine the Great biography by Robert Massie. It’s fantastic – I’ve recommended it a few times, and it’s always gone over well.

    • Light Nonfiction Picks

      These are mostly social science/psychology options, but Nudge also has a bit more of an economics focus and Mistakes Were Made draws a lot of examples from the political sphere.

      Stumbling on Happiness (Dan Gilbert)
      Nudge (Thaler & Sunstein)
      Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) (Tavris & Aronson)
      Predictably Irrational (Ariely) — also the follow-up, The Upside of Irrationality

  9. L

    So burnt out. I have a pile of work on my desk and I think my energy levels are actually in the negatives. I’d like to blame the weather and want nothing more than for Friday to roll around. Just venting.

    • a.

      I’m so sorry. January and February always seem like the worst months. But at least you’re two days closer to Friday than you were Monday, right?

      • L

        Thanks. This is true. I’m just in hurry up and wait mode, which doesn’t motivate me to do anything. Plus it’s icky weather out. That in combination with the severe lack of coffee today makes me want to curl up into a ball. At least tomorrow is hump day!

    • TO Lawyer

      I’m sorry. If misery truly does love company, I’m in the same boat and judging from some of the posts around here the last couple days, so are a lot of us!

      • L

        At least we are well dressed (or know how to – I’m having a frumptastic day today).

    • Susedna

      I hear ya. *extra-caffeinated tea & sympathy*

      I feel the same way during the winter months. So many animals hibernate, or go into a slower mode of living during this time. I can’t help wishing I could, too. (But instead, I have to move from one bear-lair to another. In winter.)

      • espresso bean

        Susedna, I enjoy how you always tailor your “___& sympathy” to the situation at hand! I’ll take some of that extra-caffeinated tea, myself…

    • Anonymous

      Yep, same here. I have stuff I really need to do, and I can’t seem to just get it done.

  10. TBK

    Looking at using Mint to budget in the new year. I feel weird about giving it all my information (including password, PIN, etc.) but I know lots of people love it. Anyone else have these concerns? Anything about Mint that assuaged them?

      • Susedna

        Ditto. Too many companies that have such and such security software f– it up the usual way– some harried employee loses a laptop with a ton of information on it, and so much for the much-vaunted security software.

        I rely on my Excel spreadsheet. Which I prepare on my older laptop which has no internet connectivity.

    • Emma Woodhouse

      In the opposite camp: because Mint.com didn’t work with some of my credit cards due to the cards’ security concerns, I deactivated my account.

      I use Quicken, which works better for my needs, especially setting up pay dates for bills in my checking account and entering them in Quicken so I more accurately predict cash flow.

    • Eleanor

      I started using Mint almost two years ago and read through their description of their security measures at the time. It made me confident enough in their security that I started using it, and I haven’t had any problems in those two years.

    • I am a banana.

      Quicken and Mint and TurboTax are all owned by Intuit.

      I’ve used Mint for about four years and I have never had a problem.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I suggest checking out the software program called You Need A Budget. It’s similar in that you set up budgeted amounts for categories, track your spending in it, and can generate reports showing where your money is going. You don’t have to give it any of your personal info though. The thing is that you have to input everything manually, which I think is extremely helpful because it forces you to pay attention to your spending. It’s very easy to use once you get it all set up and get in the habit of spending a few minutes every few days inputting transactions.

      • Anon in ATX

        I second this. I found YNAB when I was a solo and had highly variable income. It is the best softwae I’ve ever used for budgeting (I’ve used Mint & Microsoft Money in the past). It also helps you track categories if you want to save for specific things (vacation, furniture, etc) without having to open a seperate account for each goal.

  11. AJ

    Does anyone else find that the J.Cr*w No. 2 skirts stretch out a lot? As in, I put on my new (awesome orange tweed) one this morning and went oh, damn, it’s a little tight in the thighs. Then I sat down in front of the computer for a few minutes.

    When I got up, magically no longer tight in the thighs. I am fairly sure I didn’t lose weight while checking Tumblr.

      • AJ

        I’d love to lose weight reading Tumblr. It’d beat the ‘no I’d better have soup for lunch today…again’ plan. :D

    • b23

      This is why I hate those skirts. There are some other people around here who have said the same thing. We have a No. 2 anti-fan club.

    • TCFKAG

      I don’t know, at this point my Dash is so out of control that I might lose some weight checking my tumblr.

  12. Research, Not Law

    Do any of the Lands End fits (1, 2 , or 3) work for curvy figures? AT’s curvy/Julie and ON’s sweetheart fit me well, and I want to try the LE ponte knit slim pants in fit 3.

  13. IMMJ

    Have there been any comments on Kat’s pick of the $195 (marked down from $495) cashmere stole? I’m sure the fabric is wonderful, but is it really 39x better than the $5 black pashmina I picked up on the street corner? (And this coming from someone who recently bought an expensive, although not quite that expensive, print cashmere scarf on sale, which I wear with my coat every day and which makes me happy every time I see it. But that much for black? Really?)

    • Ru

      You mean besides my eyes bulging out at the insane prices? Nah. I love my $3 “pashminas”. In fact, I’m wearing my navy one today.

    • AJ

      With the caveat that I wouldn’t spend this much on a cashmere pashmina…yes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have half a dozen of the street scarves that I wear with coats and everything else, but this stole is basically a jacket. You can wear it outside, in cold offices, on the airplane as a blanket.

      I probably wouldn’t get black, but then I adore color. I also have a blue alpaca stole that I use for the same purpose, so I don’t really need to shell out for cashmere.

    • Anonymous

      I (just me personally) really really notice a difference in warmth between different cashmere sweaters and wraps. i paid the same price for a sale ‘100% cashmere’ sweater from brooks brothers, and a ‘100% cashmere’ sweater from macys, and i start to sweat when i wear the brooks brothers one. so i’m certain there’s direct connection between quality and warmth, but i don’t know if there’s always one between quality and price.

      • AIMS

        Besides warmth, which is very noticeable to me, I notice a difference between drape and wrinkling. The $5 pashminas I have gotten on the street are great for variety but they don’t hang in the same ways as my “higher-quality” wraps (not to say that I haven’t had treasures that I picked up here and there). But, then again, I do get that it can feel extravagant to spend this much on a wrap, which is why I think they are the perfect gifts to get since it’s not something you may want to get yourself. I got this one for the holidays this year and freaking love it (http://tinyurl.com/bzvjm59) – the picture doesn’t do it justice.

        Incidentally, there are nearly identical cashmere wraps on NM Last Call right now for $100.

    • ss

      Well, to offer an alternative perspective : high-quality cashmere scarves are a ‘real’ luxury product in the sense that there is a fairly standard approach to grading and pricing the raw product so that the limited quantity of best-quality wool is priced to separate it from stuff going to bulk buyers on behalf of high-street stores. Then for the best of the raw product, manufacturing and processing are actually low-tech labour-intensive activities involving traditional skills. There is very little design, branding and marketing to speak of, and a good scarf isn’t cheap even at source in India or China.

      This is unlike say, a designer handbag, which is manufactured to a price-point and which supports a major brand strategy which includes runway shows, real estate in high-class shopping districts, glossy ads and so on.

      But definitely love that I can also get cheaper scarves to be stashed in bags, dragged through airplanes, left in the office and popped into the washing machine.

  14. LackingLuster

    So what do you do when you’ve lost your “polish?” I’m 3.5 months post-partum. I’m not worried about my body (weight coming off nicely; 2nd baby), not sleeping (this too shall pass), or never seeing my kids (BigLaw mid-level)– I’ve worried about all that stuff before. But it’s driving me nuts that my face and hair are so . . . dull. I’m exclusively breast-feeding (pumping at work) so I have no estrogen to speak of and it is taking its toll. My skin is eczema-dry in patches and greasy and gross in others. My hair is fly-away and falling out on the days I wash it and greasy and gross the next day if I don’t. I’ve gotten new cut and color but it is not working! I’m trying so hard. I’ve piled on the products and looked about 60 years old or gone product-free, and well, that didn’t work either. I just feel so un-together– like I’m back in 7th grade standing in front of the mirror trying to look like one of the pretty girls . . . Anyway, thanks for listening to the vent! (P.S. Don’t let this discourage you from breast-feeding– it’s totally worth it.)

    • Midwest

      I’m just all over the pregnancy posts today, aren’t I?

      I went through the same thing you’re describing during postpartum with No. 1. Haggard is a kind way to describe how I looked while breastfeeding. And the hair! It was completely different — what is up with that? Have you asked your hairdresser for her recommendations? Mine was able to recommend a different shampoo/conditioner and styling techniques to get me through the awkward stages. (I went from a stick-straight bob to uneven waves while breastfeeding. My hair was too short to pull back, so I literally had no skills for dealing with my hair.) For makeup, try a blush with a bit of shimmer. NARS org*sm or deep throat might work, or a Bobbi Brown shimmer brick layered over your regular blush. My other trick was wearing bright scarves or colors near my face and avoiding black altogether, which made me look even more tired and sallow.

      Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a magic solution for making this better, other than riding it out and knowing that you’ll start looking more like your old self once you get more sleep and/or wean. I think this is really, really common — I remember having a conversation exactly like this with a friend when we were both 4-6 months postpartum.

      But! This is temporary, and like you said, worth it.

      • anon

        I never wore blush until after I had my daughter. Now it’s essential. Pregnancy and motherhood just saps your color.

    • NE Attorney

      I’ve so been there. When I went to have my hair-cut about 6 months post-partum and still BFing, my stylist said that for alot of women, BFing takes a toll on their hair and skin. From my experience, part of the hair loss is just the post-partum experience and losing the hair that your body retained while pregnant (but would have shed naturally had you not been). For me, it took a while post-partum until I found like I was “back to myself.” What helped me was time and also getting to a place where I really started taking care of myself again. (Oh and the fancy fancy shampoo from my stylist REALLY helped.) When I finally got to a place where I felt like I was back in the grove at work, still pumping, eatting well, drinking LOTS of water and exercising, I felt like I started to get my groove back. The polish will come back!!

    • Research, Not Law

      I relate to this so much.

      Agree with everything Midwest said. My hairdresser and I worked together to attack the hair issues with different cuts and products (and, honestly, talk therapy), although I also just have to wait out the awkward grow-in. My skin likes tinted moisturizers, which help with the dullness with moisture and some sheen, and shimmery blush. I started using milder facial cleaning products, too. I also bought myself some nice, bold accessories, which always fit and make me feel better when I otherwise feel schlumpy.

      It’s hard. I also remind myself that I’m getting older at the same time. It’s not just that I had kids; I also need to realize that I’m not going to be 24 again. It oddly helps, in a depressing sort of way.

      • LackingLuster

        Thanks everyone! The shimmery blush definitely helped and I’m going to call my stylist today. I put on nice boots and a skirt and that helped too, even though my hair is so weird. Also, I’m glad I’m not the only one, and yes, haggard is an apt description :-) I don’t remember it being quite this bad with my first baby but I am a couple years older and a whole lot busier now!

    • lucy stone

      I have dull skin in general and I really like “That Gal” by Benefit. I wear it under foundation and it adds a nice glow.

  15. LadyEnginerd

    Ok, so here’s a broken engagement update. For context, he dumped me and it was a surprise – no mutual parting of ways. Ex had said that he would cover the deposits, etc. that my parents had put down for the wedding, so I sent him an itemized list of all the financial losses including the dress (and, in the interest of fairness, cost less the price I could get reselling it). My parents received a check for all of the non-dress related expenses, and he might have included a note saying he didn’t think dress-related costs are his responsibility. I have already given back the ring, which had a purchase price of more than the sum total of all financial losses (including the dress) that I had sent him.

    I feel awful, like he’s punishing my parents, the most innocent party here, and not taking responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Furthermore, both he and his family are much more well off than my parents, so this is a matter of principle on his part and not financial hardship (plus, the darn ring would’ve covered it if I had kept it). What do I do with the dress anyway? Do I leave it be for a while and see if I’d feel comfortable ever putting it on again (fondly remembering the “dress shopping with my family” might outweigh the “dress bought to marry dude who dumped me”, for various reasons), or do I just sell it right away? I feel so bad for my parents wasting money I’m even considering saving up to pay them back myself.

    So my question to y’all is: how bad am I justified in feeling? Is the dress in some special category of wedding-related expenses where he’s totally justified in how he’s decided to handle it? Then, separate of what “should” have been done, what would you recommend I actually do in this situation – sell the dress (tags are still on, no alterations)? write nasty letter to ex before letting it lie? Would it be too weird for me to wear a dress bought for a previous engagement to a hypothetical future wedding, assuming I feel good about it? While we’re talking hypothetical future weddings, can the groom be Ryan Gosling?

    • Godzilla

      Ugh. I think it’s admirable that he did write a check to your parents. At this point, I’d let it all go in the interest of your own mental health. No communication – that DOOSH gets no more from you. Store the gown in the back of your closet somewhere and put a reminder in your calendar for a month or two and pull it out again. See you how feel about the dress. It may be easier for you to deal with it then. Not gonna front, I’d probably get rid of the dress and try to get some money for it. Also, FOOEY ON THIS DOOSH.

      • LadyEnginerd

        Thanks! Yeah, it’s reasonably honorable that he wrote a check to my parents. I partly just feel taken advantage of, because if I hadn’t done the right thing (returned the ring), this wouldn’t even be an issue. Gown is 3000 miles away in my parents basement, and in theory they could in fact sell it for me so I never have to think about it again. Then again because it’s so far away, it’s not something I’ve spent much time staring at and daydreaming about walking down the aisle, making it much more feasible that I could detach emotionally from it and wear it again when I marry Ryan Gosling. Not if. When ;)

        • Nonny

          I’ve been through a broken engagement. I loved my dress and hung onto it for about 6 months, but after that found I still couldn’t even look at it. I asked one of my friends to sell it on the internet or something – I didn’t care what happened to it as long as I never saw it again. I just wanted it out of the house. I basically considered it a lost expense and accepted I would never get that money back.

          So I agree with Godzilla – put it in the back of your closet for a while and then see how you feel about it. Who knows, you may feel differently than me and decide to keep it. You never know.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I wouldn’t write an angry letter or ask him for money for the dress. Not because I don’t think you’d be justified in doing either of those things, but both of those things would be things I would regret doing months later. However he behaves, you want to be the one behaving with grace and dignity.

      I would cut him out of your life – no more contact, financial or otherwise. No letter, no discussion, nothing. He doesn’t deserve to have you in his life, even an angry-you.

      I understand feeling bad about your parents spending the money. I second the advice above to put the dress in your closet for a month or so, and then take it out and decide (I would probably sell it), unless your family needs the money right away, in which case I’d sell it right away. I probably wouldn’t want to wear it to a future wedding – just too many bad memories associated with it and it seems an inauspicious way to start off a marriage to someone WAY better than this jerk. With no tailoring/never worn, hopefully you can get pretty close to the purchase price of the dress.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this and this happened to you. I posted this for NOLA on the other thread but I think you might like it/find it soothing too:

      http://www.ourstage.com/media_items/LRPWJNNMYCBG-it-will-pass

    • L

      I’d let the cost of the dress go. Consider it the price you pay for learning what an a**hole this guy actually is.

      First, I’d try to ask the store if they’d take it back. You never know! If not, then I second Godzilla’s idea about storing it and do the wait and see. If you love it and it’s your favorite dress and you won’t feel any weirdness about it, keep it! If it makes you sad, try and resell it or consider donating it for a tax write off.

      Just think, a wedding dress is cheaper than therapy and a divorce. Repeat, with wine, as necessary.

    • De

      First and foremost, for the future hypothetical wedding, yes the groom can be Ryan Gosling. Can I be the flower girl???
      Second, personally, I wouldn’t keep the dress. I’ve never been in your situation/engaged/married or even close to, but I don’t think I’d want to wear the dress I was supposed to marry one guy in when I’m walking down the isle to Ryan Gosling. If you think the positive feelings might outweigh any negative memories when the time comes, maybe keep it. But, do you think maybe you would feel better selling it and giving the money to your parents?

      Thirdly/generally, I don’t think your feelings are unjustified in the least, as far as your feelings toward him being a (words I can’t say unless I want this stuck in moderation). I don’t think you should “feel so bad” about your parents’ dollars, because you were engaged. You weren’t one of those girls you see on say yes to the dress who are shopping with the hopes that their boyfriend will propose. I would imagine your parents looked at it as a gift. It’s disappointing that he won’t cover the expense of the dress, but I think tat this point you have to work with the cards you have. If you can bear it, maybe selling the dress is the right option.

      Either way, don’t beat yourself up at all. Lots of hugs to you :)

      • LadyEnginerd

        Absolutely, you may be the flower girl! You can even pick your celebrity crush of choice as ring bearer. And it’s a good point that I might feel better in the long run to sell the dress and help my parents recoup their loss than to have a dress hanging around in their basement that I might never wear (after all, I might be pregnant when I marry Ryan Gosling and have changed sizes! Just don’t tell anyone it’s actually George Clooney’s baby due to some poor life choices during my wild hypothetical bachelor*tte party…)

        My hypothetical wedding is just getting more and more awesome. I should probably watch less Grey’s Anatomy.

          • LadyEnginerd

            oh so THAT’s why that story line popped into my head! I totally forgot! Clearly this is now exactly how my hypothetical wedding will go down, given that movie involves lots of Ryan Gosling and George Clooney in suits (my favorite genre of fine film!).

        • Susedna

          Can you get Benedict Cumberbatch to officiate at your wedding to Ryan Gosling, or at least do a reading? Would love to hear THAT VOICE. :-)

          • LadyEnginerd

            I think reading would be the better idea, because if THAT VOICE were prompting me through vows to another man, I might have second thoughts about the choice of groom (entirely separate from the second thoughts induced by George Clooney’s secret love child. obviously.).

          • Houston Attny

            Yes, Yes, Yes! Love him. Thank you for inviting me to your wedding. You did, right?!

            And another reason to get rid of the dress…WHEN you marry Ryan Gosling and are preggers with George’s baby, you don’t want to tell a tabloid that you really bought your dress for a wedding to DOOSH. B/c then DOOSH gets publicity, & the tabs will find him in his little hell hole dumpy dump place, and the world will think, “Fabulous LadyEnginerd was engaged to that?!” :)

          • LadyEnginerd

            Yes, of course you are invited! You are right – if I could fit into existing dress while carrying love child, I’d hate to validate Ex by having TMZ stroke his ego. Excellent point. Plus, in my hypothetical wedding, I’ll become best friends with Jennifer Lawrence and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. I’d hate to miss out on dress shopping with my new besties.

          • anon

            I am so sorry this happened – I was in a very similar position many years ago and I can totally sympathize. However, I also have to say how much I admire the grace and humour with which you are handling the situation. You have to print out this thread and post it up somewhere in your space as concrete proof of your awesomeness.

            I expect it may take some short time to meet Catherine and Jennifer, hook up with George and be swept off your feet by Ryan. During that time who knows what fabulous fashion concoction will appear in the wedding dress world? Even wedding styles evolve quickly over time and said dress may be not quite as styl-eesh in a few months (seriously – met my husband, engaged on the Eiffel Tower 6.5 months to the day of the breakup) as it seems today.

            I say sell it and spend the proceeds on drinks with Jennifer with Catherine as the DD, given the royal baby and all. Your parents will approve, I promise.

            Thanks again for this lovely and entertaining thread. I am sorry it came at such a cost to you.

    • little advice

      I would let it go. Don’t waste anymore time or energy on someone who just broke your heart. Sell it on ebay for some cash or dye it and fashion it into a party dress. As for it it would be “weird” to wear it to a future wedding, well, there’s no objective answer to that–it all depends on how you and your future fiance feel about it. If you guys don’t think it’s weird, then it’s not weird.

    • Anonymous

      I think he should have paid for the dress, but at this point I would not bother trying to get the money out of him–it will likely cause more drama than it is worth. And I would just get rid of the dress. When you get engaged again, you will find another dress that is just as good or even better, and it won’t have any baggage associated with it. If you haven’t already, contact the store you bought it from and see if they can taken it back–probably not, but it’s worth a shot. If they won’t take it, try to sell it on ebay (or maybe a wedding-dress specific site exists?). I think the sooner you try to sell it, the more money you are likely to get for it–I imagine that a lot of people find dresses in stores that they like, and then search for them online to see if they can get a better price. So you are better off selling the dress while it the same style is still in stores and being tried on by others, rather than waiting until next season.

      • LadyEnginerd

        I think it might actually already be a year behind, since it was bought about a year ago :( Good point though that if stores haven’t gotten rid of that style yet, I probably should get it listed ASAP to maximize the chances of recouping my parents losses.

      • just Karen

        Ditto this – worth a call to see if you could return for even a portion of the purchase price if no alterations have been done. Otherwise, the more recent the purchase, the more you will likely be able to get for the dress. You will find another fabulous dress later – I wouldn’t risk losing the money you could get back now on the chance that you would be willing to wear this one later… (Unless you had a very specific dress in mind before the wedding was even a thought, and found that PERFECT dress you have always wanted…then keep it).

    • MsZ

      I agree with all the suggestions to stop all communications and cut your losses. I am sure your parents are more upset about what he’s done to you / your feelings than they are about the dress.

      I sold my dress on preownedweddingdresses dot com and found it very easy to use. I agree that you will have better luck, and be able to get a higher price, selling it sooner rather than later. Anecdotally, the bride who bought my dress had seen the dress in a magazine and fallen in love with it and had gone online specifically looking for that style.

      If you haven’t had alterations done, you might also contact the store.

    • Nancy P

      Have you talked to your parents about your guilty feelings? Because if I were your parents, I would be way more concerned about how you were doing during this time than the money, even if money is a bit tight. It might give you a bit of reassurance and breathing room to figure out what to do.

    • cfm

      Man, what a tough situation. When you say there “might” have been a note, was there one or not? If there was one, I would definately not write him back and argue over it. He should have paid, its sucky that he didn’t, but leave it to the universe to get that payment out of him. I would ask your parents or maybe a good friend in the area to 1. try to call the shop and see if it is returnable. and 2. to sell it. Personally I think that even if years from now you think you could wear it, it would cost too much mental space to have it in your (or your parents possession) For me, even if I bought it for 100, sold it for 50, and loved the style so much that I ended up rebuying it 5 years down the road for 100 again, it would be worth it to purge it now and to have a different physical dress for the new wedding to ryan gosling.

      I’ve decided I think the above advice goes for even if there was no note and it just wasn’t mentioned. I would avoid any communication to him. I’d get drunk with your girlfriends and have a wine/whine session, but not mention to him at all that it bothers you that he is not paying for the dress.

    • January

      I don’t have much to add, but should you decide not to sell it, you might consider a “trash the dress” party. I have a friend who did this following a broken engagement and even had a photographer there to record it.

      • Susie

        No, don’t take your anger out on a beautiful dress! The dress didn’t do anything wrong!

    • making lemonade

      If you’d like to do something wonderful, and this is an expensive designer gown (sounds like it is), then there is a YWCA in Lynchburg, Virginia (not affiliated with Liberty University in any way) that sells unused ‘designer’ gowns at significant discounts (making them around David’s Bridal) prices.

      They only take unworn ‘new’ dresses, and they only take high-end dresses. However, their program is AMAZING – all of their proceeds go towards domestic violence and women’s/childrens programs. I’ve actually been to their store when I lived in Charlottesville, and people drive hours to see them and they end up raising thousands and thousands of dollars in an extremely poor, rural area.

      If you’re interested, I found their website, and it is http://www.churchstreetbridals.com. It describes their programs and how they function. Please note – they are NOT a thrift store – they only take new dresses. It is a tax deduction, though.

      This is just a suggestion. You can set it on fire if you want to – it’s YOUR dress.

      • L

        That is awesome! I am in need of a purchase and will definitely have to make the trek. Nice to know there are options like this that support a great cause.

        • making lemonade

          Yeah, they are gorgeous dresses, and I think pretty much everything in there is under $1000. It is in a warehouse on the bad side of town, but people drive from Cville and also Raleigh, etc to go there. One of my friends bought a dress there for her wedding and she was stunningly gorgeous.

      • LadyEnginerd

        I feel torn on donating mainly because I feel my first priority on this one is to my parents to help them recoup their $$, and thus it should be their call as to whether they want to donate it or sell it. I’ll float the idea with my parents and see what they say, as those look like fantastic causes.

        • Brant

          The tax deduction may be more than you could get reselling it- might be worth your while to check it out?

    • darby

      Ugh. My advice would be to sell the dress now. You will never want to wear it again given it’s history, plus styles change often & even if you met/married a new guy in record/warp speed, odds are you wouldn’t like it for pure style reasons in the future. Once Wed is a good site for reselling dresses & you’ll also get the most money back on it the closest in time that you can sell it to when it’s been in the stores/is a new style. Plus just bad luck to wear the darn thing in a future event.

    • LadyEnginerd

      Thanks ladies for the helpful advice. You’ve helped me see that selling it is going to be the route that makes me feel the best in the long run, since there’s a lot of life that could happen between now and a future wedding. I’d probably also feel better knowing I did the very best I could to help my parents recoup their financial losses than keeping the dress and either altering it or trashing it. I’ll talk to my mom and sister tonight about listing it online, and many thanks.

      And fear not, I will not give the DOOSH a piece of my mind, because that would imply he still has power over me. Which clearly he doesn’t, because I don’t waste time on dooshes.

      • NOLA

        Hey, I know I’m way late to this conversation but wanted to jump in to say that you should definitely sell the dress. There was a Say Yes to the Dress episode where a bride kept her dress after the groom backed out and a later episode where she actually had it altered and wore it. But that’s surprising. I don’t think you’ll want to wear it. If I could ever get myself in gear and get the champagne cleaned from my wedding dress, I could easily sell it on consignment at a local store.

        I think, if he has already paid your parents back, you just don’t want to pursue it. I asked my ex-H to pay for a whole bunch of things when we split up (he had been unemployed for over a year and finally suddenly had money when we were separating). I did ask him to pay my parents back the $1,000 they lent us to get us through the first month after he got fired (probably on purpose) and he never did. I didn’t push it because my parents said they didn’t want the money and would have just given it to me. At some point, you just have to cut your losses.

    • Bunkster

      Hey, Lady E.
      I don’t have any advice, but I think you and I might have to meet up at Maison Villatte and then continue on to Liam Maguires (or your choice) next time you’re in town. My treat. So sorry you’re dealing with this, but I’m glad you have a sense of humor about it.
      Also, if you’re taking Ryan Gosling, I want Ryan Reynolds. We all know he and Blake Lively aren’t going to last long.

      • LadyEnginerd

        Absolutely. Cape & Islands meet-up some time this summer! Though, fair warning, might not have room for beverages at Liam Maguires post-pastries :) Of course you and Ryan Reynolds will attend my hypothetical wedding together and in style. I will absolutely not be offended if you escape to tool around the fabulous estate I’ll be renting for the occasion on the golf cart he stole from the set of Van Wilder. (I don’t think he actually took it home as a souvenir, but since we’re being far fetched already, might as well keep going…).

        • Bunkster

          If we’re doing a summer event, perhaps we should go to Red’s at the Sea Crest. I joined the beach club there.

  16. roses

    I missed the thread earlier about saving money on a wedding. I just wanted to chime in and share a realization I had from the opposite end recently. There are a ton of ways that you can save money on the cost of the wedding itself, but nearly all of them – whether it’s DIY-ing your decorations or calling 100 caterers so you can get the best deal or negotiate your price by X % – take considerable time. Do not forget that your time is worth money, as well. If you’re in a career where you have to bill hours, this is literal, but it’s true even if you have another type of job or you are a student. Every hour you spend planning is an hour that you are not working, or resting or relaxing so that you can work more effectively, or investing in your health to make you more productive in the long term (working out, cooking, etc.). I’m not trying to reduce everyone’s lives to a dollar value, but it’s something to consider when you are contemplating spending 100 hours making centerpieces or paying someone $1000 to do it for you. Ask yourself, “Is 100 hours of my time really worth less than $1000?” I know in a lot of circumstances the answer is “yes,” or “no, but time is the only currency I have” (and that’s totally OK!), but if the answer is “no,” and you can afford to pay someone else, I think it’s definitely worth it.

    • petitesq

      That was me, and as I work in Big Law, you have a truly excellent point. Thank you!

    • lawsuited

      My wedding for 100 people cost $10k (and we paid for everything, including wedding party attire and accommodation for some out-of-country guests). I was a student and our budget was fixed, so I used DIY and smart negotiation to get the prices down on every aspect. I did the negotiating myself and farmed out the DIY to willing friends and family members so I could focus on law school.

      RE: Billlable hours – I’m a junior associate so even though I bill hours there’s no direct correlation between hours billed and money in my pocket (to be added to a hypothetical wedding budget).

      • roses

        Lawsuited – even if there’s not a direct correlation, there is an indirect correlation. More hours billed often = more respect, prestige and opportunities at a firm. Or your hours can be put into professional development to advance your career, or even just resting and relaxing so you can be more productive and do better quality work. All of those things are difficult to quantify, but they do have a value. It sounds like though that your time pay-outs were well worth it though – an hour spent delegating tasks or an hour negotiating may well have paid more than that time would have doing other activities. I just want to encourage ladies not to think of their time as a “free” resource – your time IS worth money!

  17. Emmabean

    A really wild thing happened this morning- my younger brother was caught in the middle of an armed robbery in a donut shop. He was not shot, or badly hurt, but was hit in the face with the butt of a gun and his wallet and phone were taken. I am hundreds of miles away from where he lives so have not been able to be there with him or show him how thankful I am that he is OK, but have a massive feeling of gratefulness that nothing worse happened to him and want to share it with you all. Tell your family you love them today!

    • Susedna

      Aack… that’s awful. I’m relieved your brother is OK, even though that’s just so horrible. Thanks for the sharing that idea/reminder of reaching out to loved ones. *hugs*

    • Susie

      Well they do say doughnuts are dangerous to your health. :p Not to make light of your brother’s situation, glad he’s okay!

  18. Sad Anon Update

    So I had my review meeting and all went fine. No tears. I made sure I got a good night’s sleep, and I came prepared to talk about my objectives for the year (improving my negotiation skills) and what I have done / am planning to do to achieve those. My bosses were very receptive to that approach, and I felt that I guided the whole review towards something positive. Phew! Now I just have to beat my depression…one step at a time.

    Thanks for the tips and comments yesterday!

    • Susedna

      Good job! Do you keep a journal? If you do, it might be nice to log that you handled the review really well. On dark days, it’s nice to be able to look at all the things you’ve done well and remind yourself of how capable you are.

      • Sad Anon Update

        Thanks, that’s a good idea. I’m kind of in a “left foot, right foot” shuffle these days just to get through the day, so any little grain of something positive is worth focusing on.

    • Houston Attny

      Yay! So happy for you to be over this hurdle. Just keep swimming. :)

  19. Anon

    With apologies for the thread jack, I need some advice from the legal crew here. I am a physician and I just overheard my colleague (both of us are attendings) ask our resident if she is pregnant. This guy has gotten in trouble before for harassment and gave me no end of trouble when I was the resident a few years ago. I poked my head out and said “Beelzebub (not his real name) you cannot ask her that question.” He ignored me and kept pressing the issue. I am going to speak with her in confidence to let her know that was not appropriate, but am not sure if I should do anything else? The relationship between Beelzebub nd myself is hostile. Thank you in advance!

    • anon

      What is your employer’s policy on reporting harassment? If you think it falls in that category and have a protocol to follow that you are comfortable with, then report it. My semi-professional opinion is that you did your duty by saying in front of her that he shouldn’t ask her that question. If you have reason to think you should go further to protect her and your employer because this could be a pattern of behavior, then follow the next step in the reporting protocol.

    • espresso bean

      Hmm. I think I’d stay out of it after this. It’s really between him and her. Especially if your relationship with him is hostile, I don’t see how pressing this matter would improve things. But I do respect the fact that you want to help!

    • k-padi

      Please report it! It is harassment and she can’t report it herself without being labeled a “snitch” or some other less flattering names. I 99% guarantee that he is making her miserable. This creep is going to keep harassing young women until someone stands up for his victims.

      When you report it, don’t bring up your history with him. Stick to what you’ve witnessed between him and her.

      • espresso bean

        I reread this and realized I missed the point. Yes, you should definitely report it. I was reading it as if you were asking if you should do anything as in talking to him about it to discourage this behavior, which I do not think you should do. But yes, go around him and report it!

  20. fluff committees?

    There was some talk yesterday about not signing up for the so-called “fluff” committees at work (like, an event planning committee). What if you’re already on one? Does this reflect badly on you? FWIW, I do not work in biglaw (not even close). I’m just such a joiner, and I like to plan stuff… but if it’s hurting my career or making me seem like an office lightweight, I may reconsider.

    • SH

      I think it depends. I’m on a “fluff” committee (event planning committee), but the major directors of all our major competitors are also very active members of this “fluff” committee. I wouldn’t even be invited to be on the “fluff” committee if I weren’t taking someone’s place from someone who was actually invited. In other words, I’m in way over my head in this “fluff” committee. So really, it depends on the organization and the committee as to how “fluff” it really is.

  21. you're wearing THAT???

    OK ladies, here’s my admittedly shallow dilemma….what would you do?

    I’m hanging out with my BF today at his workshop (which is at his parent’s house). I’m basically dressed like a slob – ratty old jeans, sneakers, etc. We have plans to go out tonight and he just informed me that we will not be stopping at home first. I’m really annoyed about the fact that we didn’t plan/communicate better before we left the house this morning, but putting that aside….should I just put aside my pride and go out like this (we’re not going anywhere super fancy but normally I would never go to dinner like this), just go home and let him go out by himself, or try to find a compromise – maybe find a way to get home by myself and meet him out later? I do have makeup with me and might have a decent shirt stashed somewhere. I kind of want to make a point to him and insist on going home but I don’t want to act childishly, and I would prefer to eat restaurant food to leftovers. I just think I will feel really awkward and uncomfortable dressed as I am.

    • Susie

      Unless you are Meryl Streep, make do with that you have. I’m not sure what point you’d be trying to make, but it doesn’t sound like a good one (might come across as you’re doing it just to have your way). If it is a newer relationship show you can roll with the punches, if you’ve been together a long time it doesn’t matter anyways what you wear. :p

      • Agreed

        Although I tend to wear jeans and sneakers whatever the occasion, so perhaps I’m biased.

    • just Karen

      If you would truly be uncomfortable, tell him you need to run home to change and would he prefer to come with you or have you come back to pick him up. You don’t have to accept his assumption that you wouldn’t go home first if you assumed you would – if it was less about assumptions and more about you not thinking things through and there TRULY not being enough time to go home (I am terrible about estimating how long things actually take), decide whether you’d rather go out and be uncomfortable or just go home. Either way, I would resist the temptation to make a point about it – odds are he just will NOT understand the concept of being psychologically uncomfortable because you feel frumpy. If you have a different shirt and some makeup, then I’d go for that happy medium.

    • Anonymous

      This has happened to me and I just suck it up. It does annoy me, especially since I have so many cute things that I rarely get a chance to wear, so I love an opportunity to wear my pretty, nice clothes, but I just go with it. Sometimes I get really stuck-up in my head and tell myself that even in my grungy clothes, I am adorable. It works.

      • you're wearing THAT???

        Thank you everyone….I discussed it with my BF. Honestly, I ultimately realized I was really angry about the lack of communication issue and a different, larger issue that created this silly situation in the first place. Going to skip the details but suffice it to say, we made up, both agreed to work harder on the other issue…and I am going out to dinner, sneakers and all! Still undecided if I will stay out for the 2nd part of the evening plans but really I just feel much better that I cleared the air with my BF. Thank you everyone for weighing in, and for being a part of this community.

    • MaggieLizer

      Why aren’t you stopping at home first? Is it a timing issue or does BF just not see the point in traveling out of the way to get changed? If you really don’t have time to run home then I think you just have to suck it up. If there’s plenty of time but BF doesn’t want to go out of the way, then a good compromise would be for you to go home by yourself and then meet BF either back at the workshop or at the restaurant.

  22. kc esq

    I don’t think committees like that reflect badly on the members. If you’re concerned about your career advancement (and aren’t we all), then try to parlay the committee into something more professionally advantageous. For example, use your membership status as a reason to reach out to new people in another department, or company leadership when the opportunity presents, or experts in your field you can bring in to speak on a panel, etc. so you expand your network through your committee work. No harm to your career in that.

  23. TBK

    My teenaged nieces keep posting photos of themselves on FB that clearly highlight their cleavage. It’s the shot where they hold the camera above their heads and look up into the camera (making the duck face, of course) and it just *happens* to also catch the cleavage. Ugh, girls, I totally get what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and no, no one is fooled by the fact that your b**bs just happen to be in the shot. I’ve called them out once or twice for other, more important things (like posting updates saying they’re home alone — 14 yo girls are so dumb sometimes!) but I don’t think they really care that Auntie TBK doesn’t like their b**bies all over FB if the boys at school keep “liking” their posts. (And Dad will probably tell them to take the photos down soon, but ugh, this auntie is shaking her head over girls today just like an old lady.)

    • saacnmama

      What do their parents say? Do they not realize this, have they chosen not to pick this battle, are they such lousy parents they don’t care? Because really, unless you have a very unusual situation, your nieces are not going to care what you think about it.
      *I write this sympathetically. My niece was on FB a couple years before her 13th bday. I tried to explain problems with that to my sister, but eventually had to accept that she didn’t care.

    • FP Angie

      Get off my lawn! (J/K!) :)

      I’m totally with you… although sometimes I’m tempted to take a bathroom mirror duck face portrait just to see what sort of comic gems my friends and family could come up with.

  24. magpie

    Haha guys, think I’m the only one here actually posting in what Kat posted here! Here goes the non-threadjack. Hopefully some of you are still reading.

    Curious what you think about non-cashmere or -wool versions of this sort of scarf/wrap. I’m cheap about them–like $5-viscose-monstrosity-hawked-all-over-Manhattan cheap. Elsewhere I choose by quality and material, and I have nice wardrobe. But for the plain black (faux-)pashmina, I’ve always stuck with the kind you can drag through mud and not think twice about–and blithely replace every year or two, when it begins to fuzz and show its humble origins. Not the warmest, but I like how unfinicky it is (I’m enough OCD about pulled threads and cashmere care already). Hoping to further the non-cheapo illusion, I avoid the usual flat- or twill-weave black stoles in favor of a light black jacquard with a bit of sheen I’ve found (shh! try Little Italy)…When it’s new I think it almost looks like a silk-wool blend. But maybe I am fooling myself.

    So am I being tricky and savvy here, or is this one of those grossly embarrassing things that everyone notices but is too nice to mention to out loud? I know that after fifteen years of disposable viscose thingummies, I’ll be at or around this price to begin with. But it just never feels quite right to be dropping Franklins when there’s such a serviceable stealth (I hope) alternative around.

    • Nonny

      Well, as someone who actually has a cashmere/silk blend pashmina, yes, I notice, but no, I don’t care. I like wearing the “real thing” myself but I am not going to judge anyone else for choosing to wear the $5 version.

      On a related topic, though, when I was in India I was introduced to the REAL thing, as in, the 100% actual pashmina version. The salesperson actually drew it through a ring I was wearing. It felt like a cloud but was so, so warm and soft. I was sorely tempted but restrained myself. But one day….

    • Same as Nonny

      I have a cashmere/silk blend. I can see the difference, but I don’t have any negative thoughts about the other version. So, no, this is definitely not one of those “grossly embarrassing things.” On another note, I just learned from the clothing-budget thread that I spend way too much money on clothes. So there you have it…

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