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Reader E wrote in to recommend this lovely purple pump, noting “I first got this one at Nordstrom Rack in the grey which has blue tones in the croc pattern. Really bridged the gap in my shoes from the too-staid, too-parochial navy pump and plain grey ones. Loved it so much, found the purple suede on line. It is soft leather, a comfortable and supportive heel, shows enough of the foot to lengthen the leg, has a bit of a rubber sole for those building floors, and a point that is not extreme. I wish someone, anyone had the purple croc in my size. This is a sad lesson in ‘waiting.'”
Well — while I can't help Reader E, I will note that 6pm has a ton of colors and sizes still available for up to 60% off, including plum suede (pictured), black leather, black suede, brown snake, camel suede, caramel leather, grey/blue snake, purple snake, and taupe leather, in prices ranging from $39.15 to $49.
Amazon
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Waiting
Re: waiting, I went online to Nordstrom last week to order a pair of the Brass Plum “Butterfly” sandal because my old (second) pair is wearing out. Nordstrom has carried these for years, and I assumed they were a staple good (small patent law joke), which I could keep replacing. This would have been my third pair. They were not on the site. So I called the store. The shoe department person said that he “hadn’t seen those in years.” (Well, I bought my current pair 2 1/2 years ago, so it hasn’t been longer than that, but I digress…)
So sad.
Bridget
My husband loves his (horrid, I think) Teva sandals so much and is so worried that they’ll stop making them (I only wish!) that he bought three pair last time.
Little Lurker
Whatever, I love Tevas. ;)
Mine are in such rotten shape at this point that I fully recognize they’re disgusting. Never for work or fancy social gatherings, of course.
anon the 6th
Nice-looking shoe, as expected, the heel is a bit too high for my taste. I wish that every post could include the heel height.
Ru
A little too high for my everyday as well. These purple suede pumps remind me of Barbie shoes for some reason.
AIMS
I have these in black. I have to say that I don’t find them very comfortable, certainly not for all day wear. Also, on the black suede ones I have, there is no rubber sole at all, and the sole that is there is actually rather slippery… As in, I have skidden and nearly tripped on the marble floor in our lobby more than once. They’re okay office shoes, but I don’t wear them if I am doing any fair amount of walking or standing.
MaggieLizer
Ugh our lobby has a marble floor too and I’m convinced I’m destined to die by slipping on it. If I have particularly slippery shoes on and no one’s looking, I skate across the floor.
Caroline
Oh, that mental image made my afternoon. I really miss the marble floors in our old office building, where I occasionally did the same :-)
lostintranslation
If only it were the lobby floors!! We have marble stairs that that I have to take multiple times a day. I cling to the banister and hope that if I eat it at least The Plastics from marketing aren’t standing around to see it.
K
Threadjack: My boyfriend and I have started to seriously discuss living together and decided that we’d like to move in together sometime between January and March of 2012. I’m incredibly excited and feel like this is a great “next step” for us and our relationship. We both see it as “moving towards marriage”, rather than a “hey your lease is up and we have sleepovers every night anyway” thing. However, neither of us have ever lived with an SO before.
For those ladies who have cohabited with someone before, please give me your words of wisdom! What are the things you discussed before moving in together? What are the things you WISHED you’d discussed before moving in together? How did your relationship change when you moved in together? Basically, I’d just like some idea of what to expect (if that’s at all possible), and since I’m a Type-A-extremely-organized-loves-to-plan-and-know-what’s-going-to-happen type, I’d like to make sure we’ve got all of our bases covered before any kind of lease is signed.
Thanks in advance!
govt atty
Highly recommend the book: “Shacking Up: The Smart Girl’s Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned” You can find it on Amazon etc. I didn’t follow it to the letter at all but it did give me a lot to think about and especially because I also saw moving in together as a step towards marriage. We got married 4 years after moving in.
Cohabitation Agreement
Do some research about cohabitation agreements. Even if you don’t execute one, discussing the items that would go into one is really important. Also, I think LearnVestDOTcom might have done a series about this that you might try to find.
L
Hmm. I can’t say I’m the best example of this, because my DH and I didn’t really discuss anything when we moved in together, other than the budget and the areas we were looking in, and the necessity of him having an office because he works at home. We just agreed on everything, I guess! We also opened a joint bank account right away, because it was easier that way. I think we are unusual in that respect, but it was a great decision for us bc we never argued about “yours” and “mine” – everything instantly became “ours.” We got engaged about 15 months after moving in together and married a year later.
Anon
This sounds just like us, as well. Probably not the best thought-out plans, but everything was smooth sailing, we were engaged shortly thereafter, and are approaching 10 years of marriage.
We also opened a single joint checking account shortly after we moved in, and since then and until this day, neither of us have our own checking accounts. Everything goes into the big pot and comes back out as necessary. This method has worked for us through periods when he earned significantly more (him at Biglaw, me clerking) and when I have earned significantly more (me at Biglaw, him out of the practice of law altogether). It’s only recently, through reading here and some money management sites, that I’ve realized that others divvy it up differently (maintaining completely separate accounts, separate accounts and a third joint account, etc.). Looking back, I was fairly blind, naive and trusting 10+ years ago, but, knock on wood, it has worked for us so far.
Praxidike
Yeah, this was us. No discussions about anything substantive, just, “Hey, we’re in love, let’s move in together.” We were engaged three months later, and married about two years after we moved in together. Now married six years.
kz
unless you want to be doing all the cleaning, set a cleaning schedule. I’ve learned if you don’t, you basically sit around passive aggressively seeing who will give in to the filth first and clean. It was usually me. Hence the new cleaning schedule.
anabag
Hire a housekeeper! You can afford it because you will be consolidating many of your basic expenses. This nips in the bud most of the potential disputes over chores.
Another great thing about moving in together, at least for me and my boyfriend (now husband), was that it felt like so much extra time was suddenly freed up. We weren’t constantly going back and forth to each other’s apartments.
Also agree with the comment immediately below about discussing visitors in advance, especially family. In my family it was normal to call and say hey I was thinking about coming over for a visit, does next weekend work for you? In his family no one would ever dream of doing such a thing, and he perceived it as extremely rude. This created a few misunderstandings until we talked it through and figured out that we had just grown up with different family habits (neither of which was “right” or “wrong”). As another example my dad & stepmom agreed in advance on the number of consecutive days any of their respective kids can stay at their house, which seems to have worked out well.
anon
1) finances. rent/mortgage, repairs, household supplies, groceries, utilities.
2) chores. who does what, how often, and to what standard.
3) cooking/eating and cleaning. who does what, who likes what, who is good at what.
4) sleeping habits. early, late, in-between?
5) visitors. especially overnight guests.
6) furniture/decor, as in “i hate your black leather couch” and “can we take down your movie posters and hang up my artwork”?
7) pets.
8) storage. do you have enough closet space for all your stuff, or are you going to make some choices about tossing things away?
9) free time … if you live together, are you expecting to spend every evening together (i mean socially, not in bed) or some nights, or at least every saturday night? are you/will he get annoyed if you stay out til 11 with your friends? do you call if you’re going to be home late, and by when?
10) if it doesn’t work out … who stays and who goes?
this is probably way more exhaustive than you need (we didn’t do all this, and we’re perfectly happy) but some food for thought.
K
Printing this comment out – this is fantastic! We probably won’t discuss every item (my BF would start banging his head agaisnt the wall somewhere around #6, most likely), but this is a great guideline.
DC Kolchitongi
I promise this is a serious question and is not at all meant in a snarky or judgemental way. You both see cohabiting as “moving towards marriage” and it’s great that you’re on the same page about where the relationship is going. That said, what’s your reasoning behind moving in together before getting engaged? If you both agree the relationship is heading in that direction, why not make that explicit? (Again, I swear, I’m seriously asking.)
This is something I’m always curious about since my relationship did not take this path at all. My husband is older than me by 10+ years, and so he wasted no time once he figured out that he wanted to marry me: he proposed on our one-year anniversary. I’d known the proposal was coming and said “yes”, but in the weeks afterwards I found myself a little scared that the transition from “single girl in the big city” to “married woman” was happening in what seemed to be the blink of an eye, and many sleepless nights of soul-searching/navel-gazing ensued. Fortunately the result of all that introspection was to confirm to myself that I loved my then-fiance, wanted to make a life with him, and had made the right decision to say “yes”.
So, to those of you who’ve done it, does moving in together precipitate the same kind of intense thinking about marriage? Or delay it? For the third time…. I’m genuinely curious about this and am not being a judgemental married lady.
CW
I moved in with my now-fiance well before getting engaged or intense thinking about marriage. We didn’t think of it as a step leading to marriage – we were just at a stage of our relationship (about 2 years) where we felt it was the next logical step. Neither of us were ready to be married, or even be engaged. He was ready to get married before I was, but we got engaged roughly 5 1/2 years after moving in together. I think we both still had all the intense thinking about marriage, just in a less condensed timeframe.
SF Bay Associate
Agreed. My SO and I have lived together for over 3 years, and we just got engaged. We moved in together because it felt right – ready to move in together, but not ready to get engaged. Neither of us had lived with an SO before.
Agreed 100% on a chore agreement, or ideally a cleaning service. The most stupid, intense arguments we’ve had have been over who was supposed to clean what or who worked more this week so the other person should have picked up the cleaning slack.
K
Oh, there will definitely be some kind of cleaning service + cleaning arrangement for maintenance in between professional cleaning. I think that was like the third thing I brought up after he asked me to live together! :p
Samantha
Congratulations, SF Bay Associate!
Lydia
I think that moving in together is just an additional step between dating and being engaged. It is not for all people, but I think it makes sense to a lot of folks that before getting engaged, they figure out if they can live together.
Amy H.
This was definitely us. I wasn’t ready even to contemplate getting married to my now-husband until we’d been living together for about three years and that proved to be nice! For me, it was good (and necessary) to learn that we are relatively skilled at navigating the daily-life kind of discussions, compromises and arguments, and also that we have a very similar level of tolerance (or lack thereof) for clutter/dishes in the sink/piles of clothes that need to be washed/etc.
Anon
Agreed. Many moons ago, I moved in with my husband more or less because 1. we were in love and spent all our time together anyway, and 2. I was moving to the city where he was already living, his lease was up, and we both needed to find somewhere to live anyway, so why not split expenses?
We did not have an explicit marriage conversation when we moved in together, although I do remember telling him that I was not going to be satisfied with just living together forever. But to me, that meant in four years, if we were still living together with no marriage talk, I would bring it up. We ended up getting engaged six months after moving in together, and getting married a year after we got engaged.
I do think that whatever is going to happen in your relationship – either getting married or breaking up – living together does tend to make things happen faster; at least that’s what I’ve seen. My husband later told me he really had no doubt in his mind when we moved in together that he wanted to get married, but was waiting for “the right time” to propose. I am glad he did as it gave us a chance to see whether we COULD live together, without driving each other nuts.
“My husband is older than me by 10+ years, and so he wasted no time once he figured out that he wanted to marry me: he proposed on our one-year anniversary.”
This is a great example of the idea that you are either “the one” for a guy, or you are not. Not every guy moves as fast as this poster’s husband did, but there’s definitely decisive action at some semi-early point. I do not think that living with someone indefinitely, with no talk of marriage or having kids together (if that is what a woman wants) is a good idea, at all.
anon
Everybody takes their own path, so there’s no right way to do it. You’re assuming that everyone wants to get to the altar ASAP. Plenty of people don’t, or are willing to take their time about it.
For us, moving in together allowed us to spend more time together, deepen our relationship, work through some mundane but nonetheless important issues (money, timing, division of household labor) and really got us excited and happy about spending the rest of our lives together before making it “official”. We were excited before, but we know each other in a way now that wasn’t possible when we were only seeing the other person 2-3 days a week. I also learned a lot about myself in the process. It was (is) a wonderful thing.
But to each her own. Again, there’s no right way.
DC Kolchitongi
Actually, I was not at all interested in getting to the altar ASAP. Getting engaged is scary and if you’d asked me at the time, I would’ve preferred to date for awhile more “just to be sure”. But my fiance’s age made that extra time a luxury I couldn’t afford. So it was jump into the freezing pool or walk away altogether — no wading in!
If he’d been closer to my age, there’s no way we would’ve gotten engaged so quickly. We probably would’ve eased into things by moving in together, etc. like some other posters here. Would that have done anything for our relationship/life satisfaction? I haven’t got any idea…. hence my curiosity.
anon
assuming you are perfectly happy now, i don’t think moving in together pre-engagement would have made a difference in the long run, but it sounds like it might have saved you some of the “sleepless nights of soul-searching/navel-gazing” that you describe.
but all’s well that end’s well!
K
No, that is a good point and marriage is something we’ve talked about (and will likely discuss again before we move in together). Basically, I’m 6 years younger than he is and I want a little more time. I’d be happy if it happened at the end of the 2012/early 2013, which he has agreed to (at which point we will have been dating for 2 years). He also has business school loans that he plans to pay off completely with his bonus this year and has made it pretty clear that part of his 2012 bonus is earmarked for a ring.
Basically, both of us are certain that we want to be together for the long haul, but there’s a few things (his loans, me wanting a few more months to allow us to be “us” and grow together without the pressure of a big diamong and an impending wedding) that need to get out of the way first. That being said, we will move in together knowing that there’s a definite plan to get engaged in a reasonable amount of time.
Lyssa
One thing that concerns me about people moving in together before they’re “ready” for marriage/engagement is that I’ve seen a lot of people who merge their lives and their stuff, but then get stuck. In a non-living together relationship, the relationship would just die it’s natural death, but, with living together, there’s just not enough reason to go through all the trouble. All of a sudden years have passed, no one wants to get married, but it’s really hard to split up and go back on the dating market (see some of the recent discussions about expirations on fertility, for example- of course, not everyone’s interested in that, but a lot of people are). So, in my mind, it’s not really a good idea to do it as an in-between step, rather than only if you *know* you’re going to get married. Obviously, it works out great if you actually do get married, but I worry about people who wind up not getting married. (I lived with my husband, but we were engaged first, and most of it wasn’t an official “living together”- more like “staying together for logistical reasons”- I was a student, so it made sense). Anyway, it’s just my two cents on it, but it’s a concern and something to watch out for.
Nonny
This is *exactly* what happened to me in a previous relationship. We moved in together after about 6 months and got to be so stuck in that situation that we didn’t really pay attention to the fact that the relationship really wasn’t working so well after a few years. To make matters worse, we got engaged *after* that (I’m not entirely sure why), and….well….we never got married and it just ended up in a long, protracted, emotional and unpleasant mess. My personal lesson from that? No moving in until I am 100% sure and engaged.
MissJackson
I moved in with my now-husband well before we were ready for engagement. We moved in together super-early because of specific circumstances (basically: we graduated law school together, I was moving to a new city for my job, after a very short time apart he decided that he wanted to move to be with me, but had no job lined up — if he was going to move, it had to be moving in with me).
We had only been dating for about 5 months when he moved, so there was absolutely no way we were ready to get engaged [he has confessed that he already “knew” at this point, but I hadn’t been in many serious relationships and was nowhere near ready].
Moving in together on this time table seemed a little risky/crazy. Engagement on this time table would have been downright nutso (from my perspective at the time).
The nice thing was that I didn’t have any sleepless nights when we did get engaged. I understand that you think your soul-searching was beneficial, but I didn’t miss it. I had already lived with him for one and a half years when we got engaged, so there was no scary transition — I knew exactly what to expect from married life. I jokingly told people who asked me “how’s married life?” that it was “just like living in sin!” That’s a bit crass, but honestly, it’s true. Yes, marriage gave me a sense of permanence and security. But on a day-to-day basis, nothing changed.
There’s nothing wrong with taking another path, but this one worked for me!
kz
easy–it was cheaper to split the rent, but we’re in no way ready to get married (we’ve been living together… 2 years? 3? I lost track). Most of this living together was during law school, and our future in terms of where we were going to end up was very uncertain because of the job market–for example, I had to take a job in a completely different city. Luckily it only lasted a few months before I moved back to our old city and right back into our apartment, but we’ve been putting off marriage until our lives straighten out (Hopefully soon. Still waiting on BF’s firm deferral to end, though I finally found a job with no definite end date).
And I’m just not that big on marriage, honestly. It was never something I felt like I had to do, or even saw much benefit to at this point in our lives(we’re both still young-mid-20’s)–we don’t ever want kids (and don’t say “Oh, you’re young, you’ll change your mind!” It’s possible, but I highly doubt it, and I hate when people assume that), it would cause a tax increase, and our lives wouldn’t change that much. (Though we did jokingly have this conversation last weekend: “I have to go the Bronx to get something from court tom0rrow.” “Don’t get shot. Though if you do, at least I could get a nice recovery for emotional distress and pay off our loans.” “Nope, sorry, you can’t–you have to be married in New York to recover, I think.”). We may get around to getting married at some point, we may not. If we don’t, once we start getting older, I’m sure we’ll come up with contracts/living wills/etc for medical decisions and what not, but at this point, just not a high priority on my list.
N.
Just wanted to say that I totally agree/emphasize with you on marriage and kids! I’m in my early 3o’s and people are still telling me I’ll change my mind about kids. My SO and I were also not that big in marriage because it seemed to offer little benefit and a lot of baggage (family expectations, etc). We ended up getting married to make it easier for us to relocate to different countries together, but we did it somewhat reluctantly and without a lot of fanfare. I didn’t consider either of these views to be especially radical in today’s world, but I’ve taken a surprising amount of flack over my lack of enthusiasm for being either a parent or a “wife.”
Jr. Prof
After living with a boyfriend in a situation that *didn’t* lead to marriage, I decided that if I was ever to give up my freedom again, it would have to be with an explicit plan for marriage. When my husband and I talked about moving in together, I told him that I would not unless we were engaged… I loved him, loved dating, but wanted to keep my space/ freedom/ own schedule if larger commitments were not going to follow. We got engaged in Nov., and bought & moved into our house in Dec. Good thing we did get engaged, because some of the early negotiations about chores/ cleaning/ cooking/ groceries were doozies. Good idea to get the chore system worked out early.
Fiona
A few thoughts:
I agree with L on setting up a joint bank account. We do the three bank account system (mine, his, and “ours”) and each put an equal amount into the joint account each month and use that to pay our shared expenses (housing, utilities, groceries, cleaning service, dog walker, etc.).
I would also highly recommend a cleaning service if you can afford it. When we first moved in together, we used to argue a lot about cleaning (especially with busy schedules). We finally decided to hire a housekeeper who cleans the apartment twice a month. All of those arguments about cleaning instantly evaporated and our apartment is much cleaner and nicer than it was when we were the ones cleaning it.
I would also recommend getting a new apartment, rather than one of you moving into the other person’s apartment. It helps to have a clean slate where you can decide together where everything should go, rather than one person already having established that “this is how the silverware drawer is organized,” etc.
If you do go the new apartment route, when apartment hunting, make sure the new apartment has plenty of storage space. Your closet in your master bedroom will either have to be twice the size of your current closet, or you both will have to do some serious purging.
Bonnie
Also discuss how much you will be both contributing to the joint account and what will be paid from it.
RL
The yours/mine/ours method has worked out well for us, but we haven’t always put an equal amount into the “ours” account. Right now we do, because we make about the same amount, but when there was a greater salary disparity we contributed proportional amounts and that worked out fine.
We don’t pay for groceries out of the “ours” account because the amount can be variable, but we aren’t on the same pay cycle so whoever got paid on Friday buys the groceries on Saturday/Sunday. It all ends up evening out eventually.
found a peanut
agree on the joint checking account. Although my boyfriend (now husband) and I didn’t have one and it worked out OK. I don’t remember how we split things but I’m sure it involved several calculators and advanced mathematics.
Anon
Of course, discuss budget and how bills will be split (evenly, percentage of income, etc), also who cleans what and when. However, I found that so much of moving in together just cannot be anticipated, and that made it fun. I really got to know my then boyfriend, now husband on a much deeper level after we lived together.
Also, kind of funny, but it took a couple of months for us to get used to sleeping every night with someone else in the bed! We had of course done sleepovers before, but for some reason it was different once we lived together. There was a lot of getting used to not stealing the covers, or taking up the whole bed, or flailing around! I seriously took an elbow or hand to the face more than once! But that doesn’t happen at all anymore.
V
My first suggestion is to give some thought as to how you plan to divide expenses (all shared vs. some shared; 50/50 split vs. some other division, such as by salary comparison), but the other Corporettes have you covered on that advice.
My second suggestion is look at how you currently plan your schedules, and think about if or how you and your boyfriend want that to change when you move in together. For example, do you check in with him before planning Friday night drinks with girls? If not, is that something you would start doing once you live together? In a more general sense, do you expect unplanned time to default to “together time.” Before moving in with my BF, now husband, if he and I didn’t have plans together for a Thursday night, I wouldn’t expect to see him, but after moving in together I would expect to see him unless I told him that I had other plans (or vice versa).
MissJackson
You’ve already gotten some great advice, here! I will say that my now-husband and I discussed…. um, nothing… before we moved in together. And (obviously) it still worked out okay! Not that I necessarily recommend this route, but no matter how many discussions you have, you can’t cover everything no matter how type-A you are!
One thing I haven’t seen addressed: regardless of how you’re going to do this (he moves into your apartment, you move into his, or you go out and find a new place) — PAY FOR MOVERS. I swear, the worst day(s) of my entire relationship occurred when we moved my darling husband (from a different city) into my new apartment ourselves. I nearly killed him, and that would not have been a happy ending :) We still talk about that day, and it was five years ago!
K
Oh, there will definitely be movers involved! BF & I will be moving from our two separate places into one place that is “new” to both of us. I don’t have a ton of stuff, but he has amassed a ridiculous amount of furniture and currently lives on the 3rd floor. There’s no way I’m attempting to do any heavy lifting without professional help!
Anon
“PAY FOR MOVERS. I swear, the worst day(s) of my entire relationship occurred when we moved my darling husband (from a different city) into my new apartment ourselves. I nearly killed him, and that would not have been a happy ending :)”
Oh, yeah. 1000%. The closest my husband and I ever came to divorcing was the day we moved into our not-totally-remodeled home. We will hire movers from now on, if I have to sell plasma to do it.
conbrio
The first year or so will be an adjustment period for both of you. Unfortunately, no amount of planning can cover every decision you’re going to have to make. Agree to be patient and to communicate, and realize that you’re both going to have to be flexible. Also, the negotiating doesn’t stop once you’ve moved in together – it’s a constant thing, and you will have to learn how to have conversations about cohabitation-related issues without pushing each other’s buttons or ending up in an argument. Try to see the bigger picture (you want to live under the same roof because you want to have each other’s love and support) and not nitpick about small things. My sweetheart and I are in our second year of living together, and we have a lot of the kinks worked out and it’s gotten a lot easier – plus it’s wonderful to be together every day and every night.
One specific tip – let each other know what chore or household task you really hate, then see if the other person will take that on. I haven’t cleaned the litterbox since we moved in together, and that small fact makes me happy every day!
Also, he hates grocery shopping and I love it, so I do all of the grocery shopping. We figured out a good, easy way to deal with the cost of groceries: my share of the rent is reduced by a predetermined amount that we expect to spend on groceries in an average month, then I just pay for the groceries directly.
Good luck!
Jr. Prof
This reminds me of great advice I heard about marriage: think of 10 things he does that bug you – and then make a promise to yourself that you will love and accept him including those 10 things.
In other words, no one’s perfect.
kaydee
First of all congrats, because that’s awesome!!
My boyfriend and I have been living together since January of this year. To start, we sat down and nailed down a cohab agreement where we listed the who-gets-what in the event of a breakup, and the different categories of breakups (cheating, drifting apart/mutual, etc). We talked about bills (we split the rent, utilities and food/alcohol, but date nights are not shared). We maintain our own bank accounts and at the end of each month, we “settle up” with each other with a spreadsheet he created to tally up our portions (so, say I put the last grocery bill on my card – it will auto-split that).
Both of our respective “stuff” fits really well together, so we haven’t had to make any big joint purchases – I got rid of my cheapy bed and upgraded to his fabulous Temperpedic (reason enough to move in with him!)
We also talked about division of household duties, namely chores. He took bathrooms, I took kitchen. We are both responsible for common areas like the bedroom, living room and den and that’s more of a clutter issue than anything else.
His main concern going into it was that he isn’t as “neat” as I am.
And I agree- he’s not. But he tries.
1. The chore thing is one to watch out for! As a fellow Type A Extremely Organized person, living with a not so organized but totally awesome guy started to wear on me. Since I ran my old apartment (where I lived alone) like clockwork, I was silly to assume he would just fall in line. He’s the kind that has laundry pile up for weeks in various piles, and it’s a weekly thing for me. Thus, I will do laundry every week, and he will fold. He’ll whine about it at first, but then will do it.
2. Food shopping- I tend to do most of the shopping and list organizing, trip planning and menu ideas, because if I relied on him, we would constantly be running to the store and paying for expensive stuff when it was just on sale last week.
3. If he isn’t pulling his weight, I’m going to call him on it, and he understands that. We both have jobs that stress us out, and he is in grad classes on top of that but I will constantly remind him that it’s still “our” apartment to take care of. Together.
What I’ve learned:
1. Let things go – if the laundry doesn’t get put in the closet, I rationalize that it’s still clean.
2. If something isn’t working, ask for help. After I claimed the kitchen as mine, it was too burdensome to be ALSO in charge of unloading the dishwasher, so now that’s his job. All I had to do was ask.
3. Make sure to maintain a date night – it gives you the chance to remind both of you that you’re not just roommates. Sometimes you have to make more of an effort because it’s too easy to just stay home, but if you go out to eat there isn’t anything to cleanup!!
4. If your guy likes video games, learn to play one with him. It’s a nice bonding thing that he will appreciate.
5. Setup rituals with each other- my boyfriend and I make muffins and watch an old sci-fi show each Sunday
6. Maintain some of your own space- we have two bathrooms (which is oh so nice) but I have my corner in the “den” for my desk and files
7. Work out together
8. It’s gotten easier to hang out with friends and/or do my own activities. When we both had our own places, travel time was cutting into other things but now I know I’m going to see him so I don’t feel guilty about going to a dance class or grabbing a drink with a friend before heading home
9. Cooking together = fun. Especially if you’re snacking on wine and cheese while you do it (to offset, see #7)
C
I second all of the comments regarding every couple being different. My SO and I have lived together for just over a year (after dating for 5 years, part of which was long distance). It was absolutely the right time in our relationship and we both just kind of knew it. We didn’t have any “big talk” or plan out the ways things would be, it just developed naturally. Here is some advice though…
1.) If it is an option, move into an entirely new place (i.e. – not your previous apartment or his) and make sure to buy some stuff (i.e. – furniture, decorations, dishes, whatever) together. My SO and I did this, but also brought some of own stuff. At first we both were kind of possessive over our own things, but the common space and items helped it feel like we weren’t invading each others space.
2.) Don’t feel bad about taking some time apart. You live together and see each other everyday, so it’s ok to not do everything together, all the time.
3.) Make time for date nights. Living together can make you a bit complacent in your relationship, but I’ve found that still taking time to go out and do something as a date helps keep things exciting.
4.) Do what is comfortable regarding your finances. When my SO and I moved in together, I was insistent that we sit down, talk about finances and open a joint banking account – I thought that was what we were should do to avoid money troubles later on. This never happened because it just felt weird. We have kept our finances separate, but both contribute equally and periodically make sure we’re on the same page re: long-term and short-term financial goals.
Living together can be a great step in your relationship. It’s a big decision and should be taken seriously, but not too seriously. Let things happen organically and if there is a problem, solve it before it gets out of control. I was just like you and thought that I should have lists and talk about everything, but it really wasn’t necessary. Good luck and enjoy the next stage in your relationship!
Recently Downgraded
I don’t have any sage advice for you, because I’ve never been there. Still, I wish you the best. I hesitated on asking my boyfriend to move in with me earlier this year and he wound up leaving because of my demanding and unpredictable associate hours. As a law enforcement officer, his hours could be a challenge too and it was so hard to make plans that my frequently canceling them to serve a partner’s every whim became a serious problem. Had I just asked him to move in, we would have had a little quality time every night and every morning. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and whether or not he felt the same about me, I can’t blame him for not wanting to be the second bidder for my time and attention for the foreseeable future. Now, I’m free to work every weekend and until midnight whenever it is demanded of me, enjoy the luxuries of living alone, and not risk the complications of unmarried cohabitation, but hopelessly in love with someone who I’ll probably never see again. I’d gladly put up with his bad habits every day or contribute more than my fair share of chores and expenses.
anon
off topic, but you sound so sad, i’m sorry for your troubles. without knowing anything else about your situation, i just want to say that this too shall pass and i hope and trust that you’ll move on with your life, including either a more flexible work schedule and/or a different but more understanding boyfriend.
N.
Many of the things that I would have said have been mentioned here already, but one thing that I would add is that when you’re talking about who does what/pays for what/etc in the house, keep in mind that not everything has to be exactly even. It took me a while to figure out that some chores/responsibilities could be divided unevenly, and that’s fine because we’re different people with different strengths and things we enjoy. For example, I drove my SO nuts when we first moved in together asking for his opinion about where to hang up pictures and so on, but really, he doesn’t care. It was stressful for both of us because I was frustrated by his non-committal answers and he was frustrated that I was asking him to form opinions he didn’t have. He does all of the grocery shopping, which I used to feel really guilty about because I wasn’t “contributing” to that part of maintaining the house, but he’s better at managing the food budget and making sure we don’t run out of things. It makes sense for him to do it and for me to do other things. Some of the way that things have divided up between us makes me a bit uncomfortable; for example, he does all the maintenance on our bikes and much of the house maintenance, which makes sense because he’s generally more knowledgeable about those things than I am but it’s a bit too gender normative for me. I would also never be comfortable with only one person managing the finances, so we both do that. But in general, I think it works well to set up your life together in a way that plays to each of your strengths rather than keeping everything even-steven.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t do it. But your happiness and realism make me glad for you that You are doing it.
It exerts a great gravitational inertia towards staying as-is. This can be good or bad. For you and yours, saying you want marriage, this inertia could be bad. But you are acknowledging it. I wouldn’t want to plan out an engagement and a path to marriage– it isn’t romantic to me at all. But if you move in and want all that someday, you are correct that you Must. So *do*.
Like, as in, “we don’t want to be living here as boyfriend/girlfriend in one year.”
Cohabitation Agreement - links
just posted another comment with links. it is in moderation (i think).
JJ
Purse help – I could really use some advice on a purse that I purchased during the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale. I bought a white/black/brown snakeskin satchel that I love and have carried each day since. Today I realized that the back of the purse has large patches that are completely miscolored and the white section are now blue. I’m thinking the likely culprit is when/if the purse brushed against my jeans this past weekend. (I know it had to be this past weekend because that was the first time it was finally cool enough in Texas to wear jeans without dying of heat stroke).
Do you think there’s anything that can be done? Should I try and return to Nordstrom? I’d be happy with a replacement (which I would immediately then scotch-guard, I guess). Thanks in advance!
K
Just posted a long reply to you and it got eaten by the “You are posting too quickly” monster. Try returning it to Nordstrom, I’d be surprised if they didn’t take it back!
E
Nordstrom will take it back because they’ll take anything back, but I think this is a situation where you can take it back but you really shouldn’t. The damage was your fault, not the store’s (and you are correct that it’s from the jeans – happens to the best of us). Instead, I think you should take it to Nordstrom and ask where they recommend you have it cleaned. You could also take it to the nearest store of the purse designer (e.g. Cole Haan store, Coach store, etc) and have them send it out to be cleaned.
Lydia
I agree with E on this. If you are the one who damaged it, why should the store eat the cost for the damage?
AIMS
I don’t know if it’s normal to expect that wearing jeans will dye your purse blue. I have had several light colored purses over the years and that’s never happened and I wear jeans a lot. I would expect some sort of warning to be extra careful on the label. Depending on how much the purse cost, I would expect it more/less.
Anonymous
It’s the jeans that need to come with the warning – and they all do these days. If you have a light colored item, you can assume it’s more likely to be dirty/otherwise affected by its environment.
Bonnie
Many dark jeans actually do come with a warning about color transfer. I think this happens most with new jeans.
Argie
Dye transfer from denim is not that uncommon any more. More jeans are using dark dyes, and most of them will come with some warning about dye transfer or specific washing instructions. Putting lotion on your hands and then rubbing the (dark) denim will turn your fingers blue. I’d say this was an unfortunate, but foreseeable occurrence.
Anon
When I was in high school, my dad backed a rental car over my duffle bag when we were traveling. My hair gel exploded and a pair of light brown leather shoes I got from Nordstrom were stained in splotches. My dad took them to Nordstrom to ask if they could recommend a place to get the shoes dyed so that they weren’t a total waste (I believe they were new-ish). Nordstrom took them back and gave me a new pair.
I am pretty loyal to Nordstrom. It may have cost them $40 or whatever. I spend thousands there per year now. I think they will take the purse back because they recognize that customer service is what got them where they are.
Anonymous
I hate to say it, but it doesn’t really seem like it’s the bag’s fault it got discolored. Jeans all come with tags that say “don’t brush against light fabrics” etc., so really it would seem to me to be dishonest to take it back. They’ll probably take it back if you try, but I wouldn’t try. Can you take it to a cobbler or something to try to get the blue out?
JJ
This is a good point, and something I hadn’t considered (because I only recognized the damage this morning, I’ve mostly just been “in mourning” over my new purse and had not yet thought it through). You’re right that it’s not Nordstrom’s or the designer’s fault that it was discolored. I think I’ll just take it in and ask what they recommend as far as cleaning goes and live and learn.
Also, this is why I like this community so much. Thanks to everyone for pointing out what I needed to realize.
Anonymous
We all need help sometimes :)
Good luck!
Anonymous
Agreed. If the policy is abused too much they’ll take it away!
E
Also, they may just volunteer to take it back even if you are only asking for cleaning advice. If they volunteer I don’t think it’s wrong to take them up on it.
another anon
Is it actual snakeskin, or leather? If leather, I would try some leather cleaner (try it on an inconspicuous spot first). I have no idea if leather cleaner would work on snakeskin though.
Alternatively, what brand is it? Some brands (e.g., Coach) will do repairs for a small fee, and this might be something that would fall under that.
Good luck!
anon
don’t use leather cleanser on snakeskin! reptile skins (snake, croc, etc) are not leather … you need different cleansers. Just FYI.
Anon
I have found that just a damp cloth will usually take the jeans stain off of bags.
Is it over yet?
Anyone else really find football season torture? It’s like football season starts and it’s all anyone here can talk about. I went to undergrad at a school that was decidedly not into football and am just not interested in it. At all.
E
If it helps, we find you as annoying as you find us. I want to throttle people who schedule non-football-related events on football Saturdays.
anon
that’s funny. (and understandable.) hopefully you can just send your regrets. i’m not a football fan at all, but if i’m holding a saturday event of some sort and people can’t make it, they can’t make it … whatever the reason is. you don’t need to tell them, do you?
b23
Exactly! I was invited to a wedding the day of a football game of my alma mater (in fact, the same school the bride attended), and I am super annoyed.
Anonymous
Yeah, I can see how that would be super annoying, given that every college football team plays exactly one game, and only one game, each season. And so if you miss it, you have to wait an entire year for the next one.
Wait, they don’t? They play lots of them each season?
Nevermind, then.
ceb
When you take it in the context as a passion or hobby for many people, then no, there aren’t “lots of them” each season.
I understand that life doesn’t stop for a football game, but I’m tired of people who claim to be “big fans” planning events that conflict with the game without providing access to watch the game.
My best friend purposely scheduled her wedding on a Friday night so that we could all go to the football game on Saturday . . . I still love her for that!
anon
hahaha – Anonymous, you are my favourite person.
b23
I can see how you would feel that way if you are not a football fan, but I (and the bride) went to a big state university where football is a huge deal. She is inviting tons of people from that school, naturally, and the game is a home game. So, really, there are only about five or six home games each year, and the schedule has been set for two years. There are away games, there are buy weeks, etc.
Anonymous
I am a football fan – I just don’t see how missing one game is worth getting this worked up over. Unless you yourself are the star quarterback.
I guess the bride assumed that her friends, including you and the rest of the football-going-wedding guests, would still be able to enjoy attending/watching the other 4 or 5 home games a year and wouldn’t throw a temper tantrum over missing one game to celebrate her wedding with her, since that only happens once a lifetime?
Anonymous
And – they are bye weeks, not buy weeks. I probably wouldn’t have pointed this out, but since football seems to be such a huge deal for you…
b23
Well, you sure showed me!
C
I am a huge football fan and can (sort of) see both sides to this argument. I live in a MAJOR college football town in the midwest (Big Ten) and I think it would be annoying if someone from this town or an alum of the school (I still live in my alma matter’s town) scheduled a major event during a football Saturday, especially a home game. Pretty much everyone around here has season tickets/is completely obsessed with football. Football IS this city in fall. Even if you are not into it, at least take into account your friends and family. Also, in my town, game day traffic is TERRIBLE – I can’t see how people would even get to the place!
On the other hand, if you have one friend out of 100+ people that is a diehard and you live in non-football city, I wouldn’t be as annoyed.
Also, for those non-football fans, season tickets can run up to $2500 or $3000 per year. For me, two tickets to just one single game can put me back over $200, when you include the mandatory “donations” and premium seat charges. I buy season tickets instead of going on a vacation. Would you change your already booked vacation plans to attend a wedding? I would only for family or close friends (who would never have their weddings on a football Saturday); therefore, I wouldn’t feel too bad about declining.
Ok, maybe I don’t see both sides….is is Saturday yet?!?!
Anonymous
@C – Badger?
C
Let’s just say we used to be great, we’ve recently been terrible, and Gameday will be here on Saturday. :)
Old Towner
@C: Go Blue!
anonymous
that is rough, but assuming the bride picked the date 8 months ago and the football schedule wasn’t avail then … how would she know? unless she avoided all fall saturdays?
if all else fails, maybe there will be a TV at the bar. i’ve attended plenty of weddings where there is a crowd at the bar watching a game all afternoon. usually weddings that take place at a country club or hotel or something.
LawyrChk
Sorry, but at least in Div. I, football schedules are available 2-3 years in advance, and teams have the same bye week every year. The double scheduling would be totally avoidable if someone actually thought to check.
Lyssa
Skipping out on wedding to watch a football game in the bar strikes me as a extremely rude to the couple. If their wedding is important to you, you can see what happens in the game later. It’s just a game. If their wedding’s not more important to you than a football game on TV, then just send your regrets and enjoy your Saturday.
(I’m trying not to sound rude, but I hear stories about people doing this all of the time in my college town, and it never fails to shock me- I’m not talking about glancing at the scores for 30 seconds a few times throughout the event, of course, but about actually watching/listening to the game during the party rather than actually participating.)
Anonymous
“If their wedding is important to you, you can see what happens in the game later.”
Exactly! Say it with me – DVR.
Is it over yet?
Wow, so you’re saying a couple should avoid having weddings in the fall just in case there is a game scheduled that day? The reality is that the couple probably picked the day well before the next year’s schedule even came out. The reality is that people who aren’t as interested in football are entitled to go on with their lives as usual.
And to the Anonymous below, yes I have attended my share of football games and have watched plenty of games on TV. I understand the rules of the game and I just don’t enjoy it.
b23
Well, we’ll probably never agree on this one. But you went to a school where football was decidedly not a big deal, so your perspective is perfectly fine and will be unlikely to cause any conflicts in the future.
By the way, the schedule was out when they planned the wedding.
Anon
In my football-crazed area, only a stupid bride would schedule her wedding to conflict with football. No one would come, and/or people would be glued to their stupid portable TVs during the ceremony and reception. I’m not exaggerating even slightly.
Otoh, it’s great to go out to a nice restaurant or shopping or whatever when the game is on, because people are all at home/in a sports bar watching TV.
AnonInfinity
I think there was a large section in comments for an open thread about this time last year about football — what to do when you hate hearing about it, how to deal with people who hate hearing about it, etc. I think it’s actually come up a couple of times. It might be interesting if you have some extra time.
Nonny
…and more generally, in the vast scheme of life, isn’t a wedding more important than a sports game of any sort?
…and isn’t this what Tivo is for?
KM
So, I have to step in and defend the bride, because I am one of those brides who is getting married on a football Saturday and I went to an SEC school where football is a really big deal. I’ve taken crap for scheduling my wedding when I did – but I really didn’t have a choice and I’d say your friend may not have either. Honestly, we tried to schedule the wedding for a weekend where there wasn’t a big/home/any game, but we couldn’t. There are a lot of other dates that we had to consider when planning (in addition to football games) such as dates our venue was available, the Jewish holidays, dates our rabbi and minister were available, dates of friends weddings, the list goes on… Point being – cut your friend a little bit of slack, likely football was something she considered but there were other more important (i.e. venue availability, major religious holidays) considerations that had to take precedence.
E
Hopefully she has the sense to have the game on at her reception! Plenty of my friends have done that, since autumn Saturdays are prime wedding season.
Anonymous
Then tune it out?
I’m a big fan of pro football, not at all college. I live in SEC country. I tune out a LOT of conversations :) it can be done!
AnonInfinity
Have you ever given it a chance? I don’t think that football is for everyone at all, but here’s my experience — I was always “the smart one” and prided myself on that image. So, I was too cool for things like “typically American” sports like basketball and football. I went to a college that proudly had no football team. But then I decided to go along with my husband to an NFL game to humor him, and I ended up loving it. I made a decision before going that I was going to have fun and not have an attitude like I was too cool. I got really into the game, and I saw that the sport was full of athleticism and not just a bunch of fat guys running around.
I don’t watch every single game, and I still don’t understand all the ins and outs and strategy so I’m not going to talk about teams over the seasons or recruiting or whatever. But I enjoy it enough to watch a game that’s on and follow the headlines. It’s not nearly so boring anymore.
Again, I know that some people give it a chance and hate it, but try watching (preferably live) with an open mind, and you might find something you like about it.
Argie
My u-grad had an abysmal team, and I had no understanding of the rules. Then the (former) boyfriend had season tickets to our law school’s Big 10 team, I started going and really enjoyed the in person/live game experience (which was SO much more than the football – go marching band!). I’ll catch the game on TV (if they show it), now that I know some of the names, and am more familiar with the rules.
ceb
Also, many teams have a “women’s workshop” where coaches and players will give a talk about the basics of the game and answer questions. It might be worth a shot!
Anonymous
Hmm. Kind of offensive that it assumes women don’t know the basics and men don’t need a basics class. Some of the most hardcore fans I know are women, and I also know plenty of men who would look at you blankly if you said something as basic as “second and seven.”
ceb
I don’t think that it is offensive. Many women I know don’t know the rules of football and are too intimidated to ask. I’ve never taken it as something that is meant to patronizing, rather it is a fun event where women can get their girlfriends together and go talk some football. Some of the talk covers the basics (reasonable to do so) and some of the talk involves q&a for more knowledgeable fans.
anon
i don’t think it’s offensive either – there is a need, for some women anyway, and the class fills it. people who don’t need it, don’t need to take the class.
Argie
I don’t think its offensive either – just reality. The majority of football fans are male – that’s data. And the existence of a workshop aimed at women does not preclude the existence of one for men seeking the knowledge…
2L
I just had to give my boyfriend a crash-course in the rules and traditions of being a football fan, so it goes both ways. Really just depends on whether you grew up with football fans or went to a big football school.
E
Most schools have workshops for everyone, but they’ll have a specific women’s workshop. It’s a big event at my school and it’s super fun for the women to get to see the men’s locker room, try on the body padding, meet the (super hot, usually) QB, etc. Much more fun than the co-ed ones.
lostintranslation
Yes exactly! My dad has some serious insecurities about not having played football himself in his younger years (so lame but out of my control), so I spent the first big chunk of my life being told “football and those who watch it are mentally impaired, etc. I’m so proud of my anti-footballness”. Then, my brother started playing and he explained all the rules to me. I only watch 2 or 3 games a year, but I enjoy it. I also did do part of my undergrad at a school where other girls spend over $1000 on custom university-themed cowboy boots for football games, so maybe it rubbed like $6 of that passion onto me…
Lyssa
I live in a college football town, and I’ve given it tons of chances. I’m completely with the OP on this- for me, it’s dull, and I don’t want to deal with it. Now, that would be fine- there’s certainly no shortage of things in this world that I find dull, and this could be just one of them. But when you see people who skip important events (such as their loved one’s weddings!) to watch a game on television, people who *have* to spend 4-5 hours *every* Saturday watching a game, at the expense of spending time with their families, people spending hundreds of dollars on tickets and complaining that they can’t pay their bills, people screaming at the TV to the point that you can hear them outside when the game’s not going their way and patterning their entire emotional outlook on it, people who simply cannot accept that I didn’t spend the weekend watching “the game” and will not have anything to contribute to discussing it with them Monday morning beyond nodding politely, people that have no idea who the vice president is but can tell you every name and stat on the team, etc., well, it’s beyond frustrating.
Hobbies are great; I have no problem with people having and enjoying them. But so many people, at least in my area, bring it far beyond a hobby, and I want no part in their lifestyle. Yet, they keep insisting on trying to drag me into them.
Is It Over Yet?
Yes, it is the same in my area. On home game days you can pretty much forget about leaving the house because you’re just not going to be able to get anywhere remotely near to the center of town. People get annoyed that I won’t root for the home team or one of the main rival teams, even though I didn’t go to any of those schools or have any interest in attending those schools.
I think if people treated it as a hobby instead of an obsession, I wouldn’t mind it nearly so much. It’s like every event is fully devoid of any other conversational topic. It’s hard to ignore it or tune it out when that’s all people can talk about for 3-4 months. They’ll talk about Saturday’s game Mon-Tues, perhaps take a break Wednesday, and then Thursday they are gearing up for the next Saturday’s game.
Nonny
It is the same where I live, for hockey. I just don’t get it. People complain about the high cost of living and how they can’t afford to go out for dinner, but pay $4000 per year for season tickets. Priorities, anyone? But at least hockey games don’t go on all day. My best friend’s hubby is a football fan and she basically doesn’t see him *all day* on game days. It seems a little excessive to me.
I’ve also driven by American high schools with massive, fully fitted-out football fields that are all floodlit, etc. It seems like total favoratism to me. Don’t the people who play other sports deserve some recognition too? Wouldn’t some of that money be better spent on paying teachers a better salary?
Anonymous
I’d love to see how people complete this sentence:
“Seeing complete strangers play sport is more important to me than happily taking part in a milestone event in the life of a friend that I truly care for because…”
I mean, seriously? One football game > a good friend’s wedding?
I’m just flabbergasted.
anon
oh, i think we should just agree to disagree on this one. people have different priorities. substitute a football game for, i don’t know, a Madonna concert or whatever, and there are plenty of people who would rather do it than attend a wedding. and there is lots of debate – on this thread included – about whether a couple should schedule their weddings more conveniently/considerately for their guests. no right answers, I think.
Anonymous
Yep. No real point in trying to win this one, just agree to disagree. (I’d be with Team Football BTW!)
CSF
Team Football here too. My sister picked a rivalry game day for her wedding. We attended, with smiles on our faces, but my Dad had a radio in his pocket for the entire reception and kept the entire family posted.
Lyssa
Same here! I hear it all of the time, and it never fails to blow my mind.
I’m a major political junkie, and I plan to watch the debates weeks in advance- love them! But if someone I cared about wanted to have some important event on the date of a debate, I wouldn’t even think twice about just recording it and watching/reading about it later. And the debates have actual consequences in our system of government and the direction of our country. Sigh.
b23
That’s different. First of all, you’re not going to the debates. I plan to go to the game. Second, there are probably not massive amounts of people going to the wedding who are as interested in the debates as you are. Third, football games are events with tailgating, reunions, etc. Not the same with debates. It’s just not the same.
CSF
And it’s not the same to watch a game that’s already finished (where’s the intensity or surprise in that?), and watching a recorded debate.
Taking on your challenge...
Seeing complete strangers play sport is more important to me than happily taking part in a milestone event in the life of a friend that I truly care for because…
“college football is more than just “sport.” For me, college football represents my family. I went to my first game when I was 8 years old with my dad and my little brother. Our football team and attending games together represents a continuity in our family that is shared still today even though we are all living in separate areas of the country. When we have family reunions, they are at football games, and often it is the only time I see my family all year. In a large, diverse family, it’s the one thing we all have in common. Second, it represents my own achievement and pride in my school. Since I was little I wanted to go to the University of X. Last year I graduated from its law school. It’s an amazing feeling being with 100,000+ others who feel that same pride. I can’t wait to go back 30 years from now and see all that my school has become and all that has stayed the same. Moreover, I’ve made lifelong friends at my tailgate. I’ve attended weddings (not on game days) of these people and seen their babies arrive.
I’m agreeing with anon below that we should agree to disagree, but maybe you should understand that it’s more than just “a game” to a lot of us.
JJ
I love your reply. It’s more than just football to many people. It’s memories, socializing, seeing family members that you may not often see, and creating traditions. I wouldn’t trade the memories and the excitement that my family (immediate and extended) have experienced together at or watching football games for anything.
Suddenly Anon
I’d love to see how people would finish this sentence . . .
“I scheduled my wedding on the same day as my team’s biggest rivalry game and promised all of my guests that I would show the game on a television at the reception, but then I didn’t actually make good on my promise because . . . “
anon
did someone you know do that? from the sounds of it, that must have made for an interesting moment at the wedding!
Suddenly Anon
Not once, but twice! Both times I was the bridesmaid with the fake smile on her face.
ugh football
Look, I’m in no way a fan of American Football, but really? This just seems rude.
E
“…because I’m an a–hole.” That’s the only way to complete it.
Alanna of Trebond
But doesn’t that just mean that it’s not really a good friend? I mean, I have a few very good friends, and there is basically NOTHING I would rather attend than their wedding(s), except maybe be with a loved one on their death bed. If you would rather attend a football game, or a Madonna concert, or whatnot, it’s not really that good of a friend.
Nonny
This.
ceb
Hmmm. I can think of MANY things I would rather do than attend a really good friend’s wedding, but then again, I’m not really a wedding person.
That having been said, I have always sucked it up and attended the friend’s wedding. However, I reserve the right to (inwardly) sulk about missing the game.
Also, a part of me wonders why you would want to get married on a game day knowing that many of your guests resent missing the game (most of my friends–including the brides–support the same college football team).
Anonymous
Here’s what I think – if you schedule your wedding during an important game and you have hardcore fan guests, you can’t be p*ssed if they send their regrets. I don’t think, however, that guests can expect to go, eat the food, drink the drinks, and spend the whole (or a significant portion of) time not with the wedding but in the hotel lobby (or whatever) watching the game. You kind of have to pick one or the other. Caveat: if the host indicates that facilities for game viewing will be available or other such accommodations, then that’s fine.
Anne Shirley
Completely agree- a wedding invite is not a command!
Anon77
I think, unfortunately, some people do see it as a command. I have friends who have spent over $20,000 (I’m not kidding) attending every.single.wedding for their extended circle of friends in the last 5 years. Regardless of where the wedding is or what it will take to get there, when they get the invitation, they go. In their circle, NOT going to a wedding you’re invited to is unacceptable, regardless of whatever else you have going on. They live in an apartment with two worn-out cars, but continue to shell out to attend these weddings, spending every single long weekend and vacation day on someone’s wedding. I don’t get it.
lyla
I was put in this position by my fiance’s friends (who are on a different coast than us), and I finally had to put my foot down. Spending all our vacation days, lots of money (especially in flights), and two days flying for a one-evening event in random city X just could not continue.
AnonInfinity
I hate arguments like this. Everyone just ends up saying “The thing I’m interested in is more important/more interesting/better/cooler/smarter/more relaxing/etc. than the thing you’re interested in!” Why can’t we all agree to disagree? You go to the wedding and tape the game (or other thing you’re interested in). Your other friend goes to the game instead of being glued to the transistor radio the entire time at the wedding but maintains contact and friendship with the happy couple. Everyone remains friends in the end.
I’m not faulting OP because I think she just wanted commiseration. I just don’t think it’s really fair to judge someone’s character based on whether he or she chose to attend a wedding over attending a sporting event [running a marathon/preparing for a trial/caring for his horses/insert any time consuming hobby or job here].
Maine-ah
Similar to this but slightly off-topic, my brother scheduled his wedding for the first Saturday of deer hunting season…this caused quite the drama within his circle! Deer hunting season in Maine last for four weeks. It’s not just football!
eaopm3
This makes me laugh – where I’m from, wedding frequently get scheduled around deer season. We had ours in April and even that caused a bit of a stir, with turkey season. But, if I had to plan around every “season” a wedding wouldn’t have happened at all.
b23
I am extremely saddened by all of the wildfires in Texas. We need rain soooo badly, and there is none in the forecast. It is seriously breaking my heart. Texas farmers and ranchers have lost a total of $6 billion from the drought this year, and now this. Thousands are being evacuated, and over 600 people have already had their homes burn to the ground. And the fire is only 25% contained. It’s just so sad.
Ellie
Anddd DC is getting flooded. Wish we could send it your way… so sad.
Lyssa
That is. We’re getting a deluge in TN, too. Hope for the best for you guys.
lostintranslation
I know :( now I’m somewhere where it rains 5 or 6 days out of the week, and wish I could divert some of it to Central Texas. I hope that people can at least evacuate safely and that the firefighters don’t get injured.
caesia
We should send you some of the rain we’ve been getting in VT. We’re tired of floods.
don't need a boyfriend
Thanks everyone. Prayers, rain dances, everyone outside shooing the rain our way, thanks. We “used” to be humid and every afternoon rains a dash here and there…not this year. Thanks again.
Body wash rec?
Need a recommendation from the hive mind: I got a bad sunburn last week and it’s now at the itchy healing phase. I think an exfoliating body wash would feel great. Are there any that you all love? TIA!
conbrio
Anything with colloidal oatmeal, or you can just pour oatmeal in a warm bath and soak in it. Then lots of lotion. Good luck!
DC Kolchitongi
Oh, I remember my mom gave me an oatmeal bath when I had chicken pox as a kid. Have never tried it for sunburn, but it did make my chicken pox less itchy, so I second this recommendation.
Apparently kids these days get vaccines so they never have to experience chicken pox? Lucky little b*stards….
kz
That kind of blew my mind when I learned there was now a chicken pox vaccine and that I had only missed it by a few years. I still have scars from those stupid chicken pox.
Definitely remember the oatmeal baths. And something pink–I guess it was calamine lotion?
Little Lurker
I’ve already outed myself as young — I had the oatmeal bath, but my little sister had the vaccine. I remember the bath more than any other part of the disease
AnonInfinity
I had a bad sunburn recently and the thought of putting an exfoliator on that is making me cringe! OW! Are you sure this is a good idea? Once mine got itchy, I just made sure to keep it moisturized with aloe or a very gentle lotion all the time, which helped a lot.
anon
hmm. no recs, but don’t use any kind of exfoliant on sunburned skin until it’s seriously 150% healed. not just healing, but healed.
if it hasn’t healed yet, what feels great in the meantime is keeping a bottle of aloe in the fridge and slathering it on when you need it. cold and soothing.
S
I think your best bet is to just keep adding moisture. If you really do need to get some skin off, I would very gently take a slightly damp washcloth. The last thing you want to do is injure the skin more and anything with harsh chemicals or lots of grit is likely to do that.
Anonymous
Put in the fridge: http://www.hawaiiantropic.com/AfterSun/AfterSun.aspx#8754
Inva
Just booked a short trip to San Francisco at the end of the month! My husband has a conference there, so it’s a good excuse to visit. Yay!
Traveler
I don’t know if you’ve been there before, but I went out a couple of years ago from the east coast for the same reason (husband there for work.) Our favorite part of the trip was driving out to the Muir Woods just north of San Fran! A big deal for an east coast gal who had never seen such big trees! I also really enjoyed the Japanese Gardens. They have a tea room there, where I met my friend who lives in the Bay area now. She brought donuts from Dynamo Donuts- they were amazing! Have a great trip!
lyla
We were just there and went hiking on Angel Island – beautiful!
Mad Men (BR)
Anyone get the houndstooth dress from the Mad Men line at BR? Reports? Especially from Joan-ish curvy ladies?
Thank you!!
another anon
Not sure if you’ll see this, but I tried on some of the mad men stuff a few weeks ago. Not the houndstooth dress specifically, but a few of the other dresses. I was quite disappointed with the quality, especially for the price. I think the two dresses I tried were $150, but they certainly didn’t seem worth that to me. Even with one of the BR 40% off coupons I don’t know that I would have thought they were worth it. The fabrics were synthetic (and not nice synthetics), and they just seemed like poor quality to me. And they didn’t fit great on me (I would say I am semi-curvy).
SeaElle
LOVE this color.
AEFlaw
What do you think of this shoe? I am looking for a grey – it’s called Sledge Court Shoe (LK Bennett). Does this look grey or black? Does anyone have any suggestions.I saw a pair of Stuart Weitzman’s that I liked but can’t find them online now.
http://www.lkbennett.com/public/QLOnline/product?portal:componentId=199777521&portal:type=action&portal:isSecure=false&sizeAndColourSelection2=true&productCode=30123GREY&page=mainview&addToBasket=true