Coffee Break: Poppin Kitten Heel
Kitten heels are either the “hot new trend” or the “classic that's back in style,” depending on your point of view. Personally, I love kitten heels for the office, particularly with pants — with a low enough heel, you can even wear the same pants you wear with flats. Anne Klein has a number of shoes on sale today, including this fabric-covered kitten heel with a fun button detail on the toe. It's available in the black fabric as well as a bronze — was $79.99, now $49.99. Poppin Kitten Heel
I’m a second year associate. Just once I would love to do a project for a partner and have them say “great, this is exactly what I wanted, I’m filing it today.” Currently, I am hacking entire sections out of a motion that I spent hours on all weekend – because the partner decided he doesn’t want to make that argument. Ahhhhhh. It is so disheartening to always have your work criticized and chopped.
I’m also completely unmotivated to fix my work because to me, it was right when I handed it in. I’m more than happy to incorporate your suggestions . . . I just wish I could now figure out what they were. Grrrr.
I would be careful that others don’t see you have that attitude. This is why things get edited and go through multiple drafts before they get filed. Having different eyes see an argument and think about it and strengthen it and rewrite it to be as clear and concise as possible–that’s how winning briefs get written.
Get used to it. I think that’s just the way it goes. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or how well you write, partners want it their way–whether they’re right or wrong. Remember, lots of them have a good 10 – 15 years of experience on you.
I used to find it discouraging but I’ve since gotten used to it. My boss is known to do no fewer than 10 full resweeps on a brief–not just mine!
Agreed. Biggest thing I learned right out of law school: Swallow your pride, and your writing tastes. Your job, for a long time into the future, is to execute things the way others want.
I know. I just needed to vent and commiserate. Hearing that everyone deals with the same thing makes it more bearable. Trust me, it’s not that I think my writing is perfect. It’s just so frustrating to waste so much time (and client money) when sections are chopped without being read. I’d understand if they were read and the arguments weren’t strong enough. Again, I’m thankful I have work and I’m about to get back at it. I just want to give someone exactly what they are looking for – I guess I’ll just keep dreaming. Thanks for the feedback.
Just so you know, I do not think it has ANY correlation to “learning how that partner writes.” I truly believe that many partners make changes just to make changes. Perhaps they are trying to justify their high billing rate by proving their expertise? Whatever – I have had situations where I use an old motion that I and Partner A have drafted as a template for the new motion. It never fails that Partner A will still edit the H*ll out of it — many times changing language he previously inputted in Motion A! And I am talking boiler plate language. lovely. it is just the nature of the game, I guess.
thes best, though, is when you have two partners on a task and they change each other’s language, and each other’s changes, and get offended when the partner changes their language . . . and it is a never ending cycle . . . lovely.
A very senior person was reviewing my work and I didn’t really understand what he wanted, so I kept asking questions. Eventually he said, “you know, I am just going to do this myself since you don’t know what’s in my head.” I couldn’t help but agree and then, absolutely deadpan, he looked at me and said, “That’s one of your failings, JAS1 – your inability to read my mind.” I know him well enough to know he was kidding but I think I will remember this in the future when faced with interminable corrections.
biggest lessons I learned right out of law school.
1. there is no rhyme or reason to some partners’ actions. Accept it and move on.
2. vow to do it better when you become a partner — and actually remember how this felt ten years from now!
Only – by the time you get to partner level, you will understand why those changes were made in the first place and will want to do the same thing! I am finding myself in this position a lot these days.
I’m sorry — that’s SUPER frustrating and was such a wake up call for me when I went into private practice. I had been federal clerking pre-law firm and had a judge with an extremely light editing hand. So strange to go from writing opinions with barely a revision to seeing my draft briefs bleeding. Oh well. You do get more used to it, I think.
I think that’s how you learn. I don’t have a problem with my work being edited–I like reading the edits to see better ways to phrase things or make arguments. It’s not that you did a “bad” job–it’s just that people more senior to you can–and should–do a better job; they’re being paid more and have more experience, after all. If your work is consistently better than a partner’s, something is out of whack. Getting personally attached to anything you write makes no sense to me–it’s not my name at the top of the pleading, and it’s that person’s prerogative to give the writing their own style.
You learn only when the changes are meaningful changes. I recently had a partner decide to make structural/non-substantive changes on the day before a brief was due, and there was no reason for it (it didn’t change anything) and it took hours to make those changes. That was super frustrating and I definitely didn’t learn anything from it.
“There was no reason for it”? Did he give a reason? Really, he MUST have had something in mind, like the argument flows better that way or better to put stronger arguments up front.
At my small firm, we all edit one another’s briefs, and they always come out better in the end with everyone’s insights and input – shall we call it the “hivemind” effect? And I don’t get offended when my boss shreds my briefs. I do the same to his.
Honestly, these complaints of your hard work getting edited and protests that many partners are just crazy and make changes for absolutely no reason seem quite childish to me. They got to be partners somehow. They do have some relevant experience. Perhaps in your opinion the brief was better in the first place (I feel that way too sometimes), but it’s just not your call this time.
Second!
I absolutely agree with this. Frankly, I’m really surprised by the “my writing is perfect right out of the gate” attitude. If that didn’t get knocked out of you in law school with journal work, or in college, or hopefully even earlier it must be a tough lesson to learn now.
Agreed. I would ask a lot of questions when this happens and take it as a learning experience.
I sometimes feel the same way. I just got a report back from a notoriously persnickity project manager and it’s practically bleeding red. I knew to expect this, because I had been told he doesn’t believe those he manages should have writing styles, so he edits it all to his own style, but it still is a bit disheartening. I still prefer it to another project manager I write for, who insists on making changes to everything, even stuff that is word for word from the official template.
I’ve been writing briefs for over 15 years, and I do this to my own briefs. Sometimes I just need to see an argument fully explained before I can decide if it has a chance with the judge. My only bit of advice would be don’t hack it, save it! Put all those arguments in a separate file. You might be able to use them later in a reply brief, or save the law for another case. I’m always recycling my own work, so I guess I don’t see it as a waste of time anymore, because often my cuts end up being used elsewhere.
I agree with this North Shore – as you become more senior you realize arguments aren’t necessarily cut for no reason. Sometimes you (or someone more junior) write a great argument that has to be cut to make room for a more relevant or stronger argument. I recently had to whiddle down a brief to meet a page limitation and in the end I had to check my own pride of authorship at the door in the interest of brevity.
When I was in college, I had a philosophy professor who asked us all to approach classic philosophy texts — on the first reading, at least — with an attitude he called the “no dope” principle. As in: “this dead old white guy got to be a major figure in philosophy for a good reason. He was no dope.” Later, after we had got our arms around what was being said, then we could critique, compare, and judge. I try to approach edits to my work with the “no dope” principle in mind. This is not always easy, because like lots of lawyers, I have been a praised prima donna as a writer ever since I picked up a pencil. So it’s humbling to be subjected to the law firm editing process. I hated it at first, and I feel your pain.
However, over time I think you will find that the hive mind will produce a better result, on average, than any of you could have done individually. And if you think someone has removed an argument or rewritten something for “no reason,” I’d suggest you ask politely, if he or she could tell you about the reasoning behind that decision. Don’t ask confrontationally, but truly as a student looking to learn more. Occasionally your work will be revised by someone who is not as good a writer or argument-analyst as you are. It stinks, but that’s life. More often, the revisions will reflect an approach that is different from yours, but is not an objectively bad approach. It’s good to learn lots of different ways to approach a brief, and sometimes you might want to adopt or apply one of these alternative methods or styles, so these can still be valuable learning experiences. And sometimes you will find that the revisions will be motiviated by excellent strategic or prose-style considerations, and you will really learn how to up your game. So — hang in there! You’ll grow a thick skin about your work product eventually.
The partner I work for will Approve a document, then send the final, printed-on-good-paper document back with corrections. I don’t think she even reads it the first time. It’s most frustrating when she corrects final documents that are form letters– the same damn letter we’ve sent to 100 clients is suddenly wrong.
mille, we had a partner like that who would suddenly rewrite a form after attending a CLE that frightened him. We called it the Edit De Jour.
I hate some of our form letters and regularly re-write them.
Think of the alternative, though: You could be in solo practice and not have anyone to proofread your work. Or you could be in criminal practice (as a public defender or district attorney) and have to turn in what you know is a pile of drivel, but it’s on deadline and you have a jury trial tomorrow.
Is it just me or are kitten heels harder to walk in than regular heels AND regular flats?
Agree. They make me feel wobbly. Maybe its the shape of the heel itself?
Either way, I prefer a flat or a regular “office height” (to me 2-3 inch) heel.
Agree as to most (e.g. anything from Aldo), but not all kitten heels. These actually look promising.
I have these. They are incredibly comfy, no wobble at all.
Only size 6 left but they’re on sale for $40 minus 25% off today only. I highly recommend.
http://www.lordandtaylor.com/eng/shoes-Kalli_Kitten_Heel_Pointy_Toe_Pumps-lordandtaylor/151287
Perhaps it’s my short stature, but kitten heels always look off with my usual skirts and dresses . . . maybe they just work better with pants, like Kat recommended.
I find them much easier to walk in, but then I can’t walk in regular heels. I had to wear a suit with heels to class/work today, and spent the whole day complaining to anyone who would listen about how much my feet hurt. I’m hoping once I graduate and get a job I can try out all of these expensive shoes that everyone swears are comfortable and find a brand that works for me.
Lynnet,
Check out Ann Taylor’s kitten heels. I have found several pair on ebay. I have also purchased several pumps for less than $50 (40% off sale price). If you stalk the sales enough, you can find great deals. :-)
Thanks! It would never occur to me to shop for shoes/clothes on ebay.
Yesssss . . . .I love kitten heels! Less painful, still a heel!
Threadjack! Since others in the Corporette Guide thread asked for similar advice, I thought I’d throw it out there: my husband and I are moving to San Francisco from New York this summer, and are starting to look for an apartment. I’ll be working not far from Civic Center, and my husband will be in the Mission. We’d like to be reasonably close to work for both of us, and would like to spend no more than $3000 a month. We also have a car (my husband’s, not mine — I would happily scrap the thing!) and so would prefer a place either with a designated parking spot or in an area where parking is not totally impossible.
Any neighborhood suggestions? I’ve been thinking of Hayes Valley, the Mission, or the Castro. We’d prefer somewhere sunny, and don’t mind a little grit as long as the area’s reasonably safe (I am a lifelong New Yorker, and didn’t always live in the best areas, so I think I’m pretty street-smart). Also, is our price range realistic? We’d prefer a two-bedroom, but would be happy with a larger one-bedroom if that’s all we can swing. TIA!
Finally a “we’re moving” game I can play to some degree. Are either of you planning to drive to work? Your husband’s job in the Mission suggests he should be using public transit to get to work, or biking, if he’s that type. “Not far from Civic Center” can mean any number of things. Not far from Civic Center station? From the courthouses? Which compass direction? Are either of you likely to be stuck late working nights, which affects safety considerations.
All three neighborhoods you mention tend to be sunnier. I’d add to that Potrero Hill, Eureka Valley, Noe Valley, SoMa/Dogpatch, and Cole Valley.
The Castro is, imho, an especially overpriced area because there are some LGBT folks who move to SF and only want to live in the Castro, and are willing to pay a significant premium for it. There’s also a lot of DINKs in the area, which drives up rent. It is a great area with fun food and shops, but it can be crowded on the streets (lots of people walking about) and very expensive. And it’s a total madhouse during Pride.
The Mission varies so much in character from one part to the next. Some parts are super yuppy and nicer (though still cars get broken into), and some parts are really quite gritty. The area around the 16th street Bart station is nicer/safer/more expensive than around 24th street station. Parking is very difficult and totally impossible in the trendiest areas.
Hayes Valley is cute, has nice shops/restaurants, close enough to Civic Center station but on the good side of the station (Market St. between about 10th and 5th is bad – please explore the SFPD’s crime map thoroughly). Sunny. Parking is very, very difficult.
Whether your price range is realistic depends on how much space you want, whether you want attached designated parking (as opposed to street parking which can be impossible, or renting a space a few blocks away). You can definitely get a 2 bedroom for $3k, but probably not in the most fun and best public transit area with the best weather and a designated garage space.
For example, my friends have a small 3br/2ba in Potrero Hill with a tiny parking space in a downstairs shared garage for $3.7k/month. This is considered amazing deal. There’s not much to do in Po’Hill, but the weather is sunny and nice, and one of them takes public transit to work and the other drives. In better (closer, trendier, newer) areas of the city, they could easily pay 50-150% more.
Basically, you need to figure out your priorities – public transit access (some bus lines are ok, many are lousy, and the underground/Bart lines are good), if restaurant/shops nearby is important to you, parking considerations, the updatedness of the building and your unit, commute preferences and needs.
Thanks for this response! My job is southwest of Civic Center station, and my husband will be close to the 16th St. BART stop in the Mission. I am almost certainly not going to be working late nights (yay!); husband may be working slightly off-hours, so it’s possible he’ll be home late at night.
Totally agreed with everything you said re: priorities. Since we are new to the city, my instinct is to live in a more central, trendier area for a few years, because I want to really get to know the city well and have an easy time exploring. I would happily sacrifice space for this. We will both definitely be taking public transit or biking (hubs is totally “that type,” ha!) — I think I really just need to convince my husband to part with his car.
I’m familiar with how sketch Market can be in that area, so I’m definitely conscious of that. My strong preference would be to be able to walk to work, and I’m less inclined towards places in Pac Heights, Nob Hill, Marina etc. that would require walking through sketchy areas. I think we’ll just need to sort it out and hope for the best! I am so excited for the move, that at this point I feel like I could live in a shack and be happy — but that’s probably not the secret for long-term happiness in SF :)
If you’re hoping to walk to work, I see why you focused on those neighborhoods. For me, it sounds like Hayes Valley would be good for you, focusing on the radius around about Gough (be local and say it like “cough”, not “though”) and Hayes.
However, I recognize that New Yorkers are much more serious walkers than anyone else, so you could also consider the Mission Dolores area, centered on about 15th and Dolores (16th street between Dolores and Valencia is a mecca of food, probably my favorite few blocks in the city). And since your hubs is a biker (and probably a future Critical Mass participant) and won’t need transit to the Mission, you should also consider the super-lower Haight (i.e. south of Haight street) and Duboce Triangle areas, centered on Sanchez and Duboce (potentially slightly grittier).
Street parking in all of these areas is a nightmare, so forget it. You will need to rent a parking space, though certainly consider apartments without spaces because you may be able to rent a space a few blocks away.
Seconding Hayes Valley! I lived there almost a decade ago now (gasp!)–at the top of Hayes, right across from Alamo Square. Oh, what a lovely neighborhood. You can walk to just about anywhere in the city, including the Civic Center area (otherwise, you wait for the 21 Hayes or the Fulton), the people were a wonderful, eclectic bunch, the park drew frisbee games and picnics, and window shopping was so much fun. I paid only $1,500 per month for a two bedroom in an old Victorian with hardwood floors, a garden and a perfect view of Castro Valley. And, the shops on Divis make it liveable (small grocery, dry cleaner, coffee, hardware, etc.) Ditch the car, though. Seriously. Not worth the aggro in HV–even with a designated parking place, which you’ll be lucky to actually have access to at any given time of the day.
Dear Lord a Mighty. $3000 a month for rent. This is why I live in Houston. It may be hot and stinky, not as purty as San Fran, not as awesome as NY, but at least I can afford my mortgage.
I had huge sticker shock moving from Texas to DC
I couldn’t agree more about Houston! It’s a true international city that is easy to live in. I have a precious little 1912 house in the Montrose area where my mortgage payments are almost half that amount!!!
But that’s not the only good thing about Houston, I have to say! I love my city. And, on that note, does anyone want to do a meetup?
FYI — Although this is not an answer to your original question, I was compelled to respond. I’m Bay Area native with a strong familiarity with lots of SF and the East Bay, and I’ve lived in NYC for the last 5 years (in both nice and not-so-nice neighborhoods–but admittedly, never experienced New York of the 70s or 80s).
Anyway, I just wanted to say that while SF is a wonderful city, please be careful. You might think you’ve got good “street sense,” but New York these days is SO safe, it might take awhile for you to recalibrate your expectations to a new city. Anecdotally, I’ve known a lot more people mugged (at times violently) in the Bay Area than in NYC, myself unfortunately included. This isn’t meant to be any kind of scare tactic, but I think people who live in NYC *think* they know how to handle themselves in other urban environments, but have forgotten what it’s like to have empty streets.
Anyway, that doom and gloom aside, I have friends that live in Portrero Hill and I love their neighborhood. Accessible to all the fun places to go out, but a little removed from the crazy. That’s where I would live if I moved back.
I really like Potrero Hill too, but the east side of the hill is also sketchy. One is often only a few blocks away from sketch here, unfortunately. Kitty, here’s a link to the crime map I was talking about: http://sf-police.org/index.aspx?page=1618.
Now we have one more corporette in the area for a Kat visit! (*Resisting Kitty-Kat joke* :) ).
Second Potrero Hill. I lived there very happily for several years – it’s sunny, mellow, close to, but removed, from the energy of the City. Parking was easy (back in the late ’90s). I frequently walked to the 16th St. BART station from my place – just down the hill – and from there, you could hop on BART a stop to Civic Center.
These days, I’m in the East Bay, where everyone ends up buying, eventually, and working near Civic Center, too. Welcome to the neighborhood!
I agree with k’s assessment of risk. I’d rather walk through a crowd of thousands of crazy people than encounter one, alone, on an empty street.
Lower Haight/Duboce Triangle or Hayes Valley! I lived in both neighborhoods when I was going to school/working in Civic Center, and would walk to both school and work. There are little projects near both, and homeless who wander around, but I don’t think you can avoid that in S.F. (unless you want to live in PacHeights). Good places to eat, drink and be caffinated in both neighborhoods. Your budget should cover a nice two bedroom with a parking spot (your husband may want to drive to work – the Mission can be dangerous at night). I had parking at both of my apartments.
Agree with SF Bay Associate re Castro.
Thanks so much for the replies, all! Potrero Hill had not necessarily been on my list, but now it’s looking a lot more attractive. And perhaps I have some ammo to get my husband to get rid of the damn car!
k — I totally hear you re: the safety difference between New York and SF. SF actually reminds me more of the NYC of my childhood, not the cleaned-up post-Giuliani version I live in now. I have also heard more anecdotal stories of crime happening to friends in the Bay Area than out here. Definitely good to keep in mind.
Any big busted ladies out there have good sources for bathing suits? Ugh. The worst to shop for! Even worse for dd++ — Lands End and Eddie Bauer seem to have some, but nothing overly cute. Any other sources are appreciated!
Thanks –
If you do the mix and match over at Lands End, there are some good options. I have a tankini from there that is really cute – and not frumpy as some of their one-pieces can be.
Of all places — check out Delia’s — they have a number of DD+ tankinis and bikinis. Also, I’ve gotten some of shelf-bra tankinis at Victoria’s Secret and liked them. My all-time favorite tankini is one by Anne Cole or something, I think — randomly got at Macy’s in a spurt of panic buying before a trip to Miami.
Figleaves.com, barenecessities.com, and bravissimo.com all have good options.
Yes, I’ve done the Land’s End mix-and-match before and like them, but I’m also not concerned about my swimsuits being cute: I like them to stay ON. :-)
Sometimes specialty bra stores (e.g., Intimacy) sell swimsuits that are sized by bra size.
try jcrew’s D-size cup. I’m a 34DD and the D cup I bought from them is the best fitting suit I’ve bought in a LONG time. Flattering while covering. Some of the halter sizes could have easily handled larger busts than mine.
I haven’t shopped there yet (though I plan to), but I’ve heard good things about swimspot dot com from a few people, and Allie at WardobeOxygen (another blog favorite of mine) recently did a review. They apparently have a “Fit Specialist Program” where a live person will help you choose styles that fit your shape/needs etc.
I bought a bunch at athleta.com this past fall when I went on vacation. I’m a DD and they were supportive and covered everything (no side boob action) and trendy. I snagged some on sale and they were even pretty cheap.
I can’t speak to the big busted fit for athleta but I will say I love their suits and get frustrated by how many really cute suits they have for C cup and bigger that are not available for those of us below that threshold. Also, in my experience (and I own 3 of their suits), their tops tend to run a bit big. Plus they have easy returns so easy to try on at home!
Second athleta.
Yes!! I have 2 from athleta – I am a DD-F depending on if I am nursing/postpartum/etc and they fit really well. I get the long torso (I am 5.8).
Bare Necessities. I love Freya- have 3 34DD swimsuits and they fit exactly the same as their fantastic bras.
Coco Reef/Rave ad Dillard’s has a lot of cute styles with larger cup sizes. I have a few suits from those lines and like that they usually have 4-6 pieces in each pattern that you can mix and match. I wear a 32D, so it is normally really hard for me to find something that is small enough in the rib cage but still offers enough coverage up top.
Threadjack~ I recently lost a fair amount of weight (hooray!) and most of my pencil skirts (very much my uniform) no longer fit. I went shopping at my usual places (Ann Taylor, Limited) and discovered that most skirts that fit my hips are way too big on my waist — if something fits my a$$, I can easily fit my two fisy ts in the waist line.
Thoughts – does it make sense to buy some skirts that fit my hips and get them tailored at the waist? is that an option? Are there brands I should be looking for that might be more suited to my dimensions?
Congrats on your weight loss! I have this exact same problem — I’ve never had them tailored, I more or less just deal with the gaping waist (I don’t wear skirts as often as you do), but tailoring does sound like a good idea. Banana may be an option, too — I’ve noticed less of a gape in some of those skirts. Good luck!
I am blessed with a similar shape, and I do what you’re proposing with every skirt I own. Definitely get thee to the tailor! I’ve had the same problem with pretty much every brand that we have in my area — BR, Ann Taylor, etc.
And congrats on the weight loss!
Yes! Do the tailoring! That’s the only thing that works for me, and it’s not particularly expensive either. I probably pay about $10-$15 per skirt, maybe less (hard to remember as I generally bring in a load of stuff at once).
Make sure they don’t pin and the tailor it too tight though: may need to move around a bit once it is pinned (sometimes hard to tell when just standing there).
A few months ago, I bought a skirt from Ann Taylor that I thought I might need to have taken in. I mentioned it to the salesperson, and she gave me a coupon for a local tailor they recommended. You might ask a salesperson about it. Congratulations on the weight loss!
Yes, bring them to a tailor! Unlined skirts are cheaper to tailor than lined skirts, but even lined skirts shouldn’t be that expensive to take in. And congrats! I just lost some weight as well, and now all my pants keep sliding down my hips!
Remember that there is free tailoring at Nordstrom, and other retailers may have discounted tailoring, too. (I’m a Luxe cardmember at BR, and that comes with free tailoring.)
I like Classiques Entier from Nordstrom- the skirts seem to fit pear shapes better
Have you guys seen this? How to survive as a stay at home girlfriend? http://www.brokelyn.com/how-to-survive-as-a-sahg-stay-at-home-girlfriend/
It’s almost hard to believe it’s not tongue-in-cheek.
Wow. If its true, I wonder what will happen to that relationship once she finds a job and can no longer keep up those daily routines to keep her boyfriend happy.
LMAO. That’s some funny -ish. Back to the 50’s, I suppose (switch out high-heels, pearls & crinoline skirts for Daisy Dukes, flimsy tanks from Forever21 & flipflops. LOL ).
Well, I don’t know. Feminism is about choices. If she wants to cook and clean and pamper her boyfriend, I don’t see why that’s so bad. She mentions in the comments that she’s also job hunting and interviewing, so she’s clearly looking for a job.
When I was unemployed for five months, I did most of the domestic chores at home because I had so much free time on my hands that I felt I was going crazy. My husband certainly didn’t expect a home cooked meal every day, but he was very appreciative of it. As long as this author is doing all of this because she WANTS to (not because she feels compel to), I say more power to her.
The bad part isn’t doing the domestic chores, its stuff like he won’t even put his clothes in the hamper so she does it. And she gets up at 6am just to make him breakfast, and makes sure she has booty shorts on when he gets home to please him, and reminds us that we should always be up for sex when our man wants it! (nevermind our own wants or lack of wants)
I actually detest this concept about feminism. This is how I feel: http://www.theonion.com/articles/women-now-empowered-by-everything-a-woman-does,1398/. Not everything is feminist.
And writing public blog posts framing your choices in terms long associated with a misogynistic framework is definitely not feminist even if you could argue that the underlying choice is.
I agree. If this were some sort of equality utopia where this choice was free of misogynistic social pressures, then sure, but we don’t live in that world. I don’t think it’s any coincidence a woman is writing this, not a man. The unemployed men I’ve known spend their free time working on personal projects, not devoting themselves to housework and personal grooming, and I can’t imagine any of them concluding that it is their responsibility to pay their way by performing sexual services for their partners..
I agree with one of the commenters on her blog that her caretaking has gone beyond being a good girlfriend into being her boyfriend’s mother. Which he may like (or pretend to like to help her feel better about where’s she’s stuck right now) for awhile, but ultimately I don’t think most guys want Younger Mom at home kissing their ass all the time – the majority of guys prefer someone who’s a little bit of a challenge, not a doormat or a servant. And believe it or not, guys are pretty astute and can figure out when women are buttering them up because it’s part of a services-exchanged-for-cash arrangement – it doesn’t matter whether that’s straight-up prostitution, a lap dance, or this type of situation. Men aren’t idiots, even when they act like they are.
eh, if my boyfriend was paying my bills/the rent while I was unemployed, I would definitely do all this in exchange. But just because I had the time? Probably not. Finding a job basically is a job in and of itself.
There’s something about this statement under “Sexy Time,” in the context of things the author’s doing as compensation for not working, that raises my eyebrows. It’s listed right along with doing chores and cooking dinner.
“Frankly, there’s no real reason (time of the month aside) why I shouldn’t be ready and willing when he is.”
oh, yea, that part not so much. But the cleaning and cooking I’d see as a fair exchange for bill paying.
Barring physical issues or moral concerns, I would consider that a general rule for any relationship- make an effort to do reasonable things to keep one’s self attractive to the other person and participate in activities that bring him or her pleasure and happiness. Why is that so controversial?
If you read the comments, she says that she is paying half of everything still (somehow)
I wondered about this too. How is she paying half?
I think if you disregard “Keep yourself up”, “Pamper him”, and “Sexy time”, I don’t think there’s anything all that outrageous about this.
I was unemployed for about 6 months after the bar exam and living at home with my dad (all kinds of cool, I know) and I did many of the non-relationshipy things she talked about. I cleaned, organized, did errands for him, and cooked dinner a couple nights a week. I also made it a point to get out of the house at least once a day – whether to go to the mall to window shop or just a walk around the block. I did the above because (1) part of me felt I owed him for supporting me and not putting me out and (2) because it made me feel useful.
I don’t even think you should disregard keep yourself up, pamper him, and sexy time; I just think that you should look at them as parts of being in a relationship, not an exchange or really relevant to her being unemployed. In other words, anyone in a serious relationship should make efforts to be attractive to the other person, pamper the other person when he or she is able, and share sexy time with the other person. Part of being in a loving relationship is trying to bring happiness and pleasure to the other person.
Wow. She can crash at my place for a couple of weeks if she does this maid thing well.
No “sexy time” though.
Where can I get a man to do this at my house?
Oh, I have to think that this is written by her boyfriend or a Guy. I mean no matter how guilty she is feeling about not having a job/not making money, no girl will even think in the misogynistic terms the blog is written (I hope).
Drat! These are the IDEAL shoe for me, and they don’t come in narrow (I’ve tried all the inserts – shoes just don’t look good on my feet with those). Anyone know of any similarly-cute kitten heels that come in narrow sizes?
A friend of mine is an associate at Howrey, and has been there for her entire career. Howrey is expected to announce its dissolution this week. For those of you who have survived Heller/Thelen/Brobeck, or another collapsed firm, or any other collapsed company in any industry, is there anything I should or should not say to my friend? I’m sure this is very upsetting and depressing to her, but it’s also been a long, slow death for at least the past six months… maybe it’s good for it to finally be over? She does not have a job lined up, and is pretty down about practicing law at all right now.
I would appreciate any words of wisdom I can pass along or link her to. Thank you.
Not a lawyer, but I had a handful of friends/relatives at Lehman and Bear Stearns in ’07/’08 and it was rough (some immediately lost jobs, some moved to Barclays, etc. first and then were let go), but at the same time, other employers tended to be very understanding. In fact, the day Bear blew up, my boss asked us all in a meeting if we knew any strong people at Bear we could pick up. Everyone I’ve known in these positions have landed good new jobs, unlike people who were laid off as part of, say, a 10% headcount reduction. I actually also know someone in one of the non-Ponzi areas of Madoff’s firm and even he’s landed on his feet. Best of luck to your friend!
I’ve had friends at smaller (but still known) firms that went under in the past few years and while it’s upsetting, a lot of them are landing on their feet and being absorbed by other places. Like any other loss, I think the best thing you can say is that you are there for her and offer to take her for drinks, lunch, a run, etc. Like many other things (esp. if she’s not absorbed), make sure you check in again in a few weeks. Lots of people reach out initially, but it’s the people that check in later that are often truly able to help.
Great advice, thanks!
I know a couple Howrey associates, and it’s my understanding that everyone who doesn’t have a major conflict of interests will have an offer at Winston, and that partners who aren’t going to Winston have offered to take their associates with them to other firms. So she may not be as bad off as you think.
Etiquette question:
I found out this weekend that an ex-boyfriend of mine died. We dated nearly 20 years ago and I hadn’t spoken to him in close to 15 years. He left behind a wife in her 30s and three small kids. I know good manners dictates that I should send a sympathy card to the family, but honestly, the widow doesn’t know me from Adam, and I feel like sending a card as an ex-girlfriend would be awkward.
They’ve set up an account at a bank for the kids’ education fund–is it OK for me to just send a check and not send a card to the wife?
I think the family would like a card. Be nice and reasonably specific about him – “your husband was such a caring person” or something – but be vague about your relationship like “I knew him in college” or “we were old friends.” Also, it will be easier for her to send a thank you note for your contribution to the kids’ education fund if she has your info.
“Dear Mrs. Smith,
I knew your husband John back in college, and I was terribly saddened to read of his recent death. I remember John as a funny and kind man, and I’m sure he is greatly missed. Please find enclosed a contribution in his honor to your children’s education fund. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Regards,
Res Ipsa”
This is perfect. I think it would be more weird if you were an ex gf from a few years ago, but I don’t think there is much awkwardness when it was so long ago. I know that when I lost a family member, I actually loved hearing from the people that I had never met or known before. It was wonderful to hear the stories people had and the impressions they had.
Absolutely. Hearing from old friends, old coworkers, old neighbors…everything helps. It reinforces that the world cared about him, which is a great comfort to the family. Write a specific memory in your note, if you can, but not about your bf/gf relationship. Something along the lines of, “I remember how much he made everyone laugh with his Monty Python impressions.”
I’m sorry for the loss of part of your past. It’s always hard when a contemporary dies, no matter how faint and long ago the connection.
Any recommendations for good tailors in Milwaukee? I need to get a suit jacket altered considerably (taken in, adding a button etc…). Thanks in advance.
Joe’s Tailor Shop on 60th and Lincoln. He was highly recommended to me; I’ve only had one dress done there, but while I was there I saw several professional women dropping off/picking up suits, jackets, etc.
Thanks!
If you are willing to go out to the ‘burbs there is an awesome lady in Pewaukee at the dry-cleaner on Capitol Drive in the strip mall with a Panera. My mom takes stuff to her every few months and she has a quick turnaround and great prices.
Threadjack–what is the etiquette for inviting people into your network on LinkedIn or (sad to say) deciding not to add them? In the old days, when my network was private, I never thought about this, but now that it’s visible online, I worry about 1) intruding in the former case and 2) offending in the second. How to balance a broad network with a focused network? Advice and perspectives welcome.
How much private data do you have on LinkedIn? What’s the downside to accepting someone into your network?
I find that I have a much higher threshold on Facebook; for linkedin, my rule of thumb is “if I know who you are and know you’re reasonably competent, I accept”. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever declined a non-recruiter linkedin request.
I guess you just have to figure our a rule of thumb and apply it consistently.
In terms of reaching out – I’m always a bit weary of reaching out upwards in my organization – other than that, I think it’s fine to reach out to anyone; they always have the option of ignoring your request.
I ignore anyone I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying something positive about. Basically, screening out people who I don’t know professionally at all (I count known from school as good enough) or people I do know, and just don’t think are good at what they do/professional/ethical.
I tend to reach outside of my firm for the most part.
Venting: I just had my first interview in months, and I really feel like the interviewees were set up to fail. It was with a huge corporate that does a ton of different things, and we weren’t told which division we were interviewing with, but the first question was “What do you know about what we do?” And it’s apparently not what their website says they do. Almost all of the rest of the questions they asked were substantive legal questions… for a management position. They were only hiring people who had certain coursework, but they didn’t ask for our transcripts when we applied, so they had no way of knowing what coursework we’d taken until they asked us in the interview. I spent hours preparing for this and I was really excited about the company and the work, and I’m really upset that I went through all of that and really didn’t even have a chance right from the start.
That’s frustrating. But would you really want to work with these people if they can’t even get organized enough to conduct interviews in a reasonably efficient manner? I would try to look at as having dodged a bullet…
I’m trying to tell myself this. The thing is, I really liked the people interviewing me personally, and it’s still an amazing position. *shrugs* I spent some time talking to friends in the field who provided some really good ideas for directing my job hunt in the future, so at least its opening my mind to other possibilities.
I’m sorry that happened to you. I had something similar happen last year when I interviewed for an attorney position that turned out to be 80% IT. To be fair, I got the impression that the people interviewing weren’t savvy enough to realize who they needed, but it was still frustrating to drive 5 hours for a job I am guessing no one got because it’s unlikely they would have found any attorney to meet the needs. We actually have three IT consultants doing that job at my current employer and it isn’t nearly as involved as the job would have been at the other employer.
This is unfortunate, for both of you. Some folks just don’t know what they want. :(
Threadjack! I need some advice from the hive. I’m clerking, and had an interview for a post-clerkship (DREAM) job 5 weeks ago. Hiring partner seemed to really like me, interview went great (ended with me asking if there were any other questions I could answer for him to which he responded “nope, I like you!”) but said it would “take a few meetings” before he could let me know anything, but to feel free to call him if I had any questions or wanted an update on the time line. Should I call him this week to check in/keep myself fresh in his mind? Also, what would you say??
Thanks ladies!
If he said feel free to call, and it’s been 5 weeks, then I think you should feel free to call.
About the shoes – I think pointy toes are out of fashion around here already…