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Coffee Break: Square Ring

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This cool square ring is calling my name — especially since it's $35, which seems reasonable for costume jewelry. It comes in both 18k gold vermeil, as well as white gold. (The double bar ring also seems really cool!) You can find both at Miss Audrey Jewellery‘s Etsy shop.

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133 Comments

  1. I recently moved into a new apartment. The fridge doesn’t have a water dispenser on the front/door (or anywhere else). I was used to that for many years so it’s going to be an adjustment. I drink a ton of water so I’m dreading having to fill up a water pitcher. Nonetheless, that seems to be my only option, so what kind of water filter system do you all like best?

    2. Brita is fine. I am the same way, and I find it’s ok, as long as you’re diligent about refilling every time you get a drink. From experience: if you wait to refill until there’s only a tiny amount left, you’ll be really annoyed at past-you.

        1. This is what we do. We have the water filter pitcher and we also pour the filtered water into a half-gallon mason jar with a pour spout handle from Amazon.

        2. I also drink alot of water b/c it has 0 calories and it is the best hydrator. My Grandma Leyeh taught me to drink 64 oz of water every day, not counting Seltzer. She is over 90 now and has skin that looks younger then me! She told me she did not spend much time in the sun, like Grandma Trudy, and that is why Grandma Trudy’s skin looks more like shoe leather. But they are both my favorite Grandmas, even tho they are so different. I have learned alot of information from Grandma Trudy on how to run my life, since she is my Mom’s mom, and she did not have all the advantages of Grandma Leyeh coming here as a baby.

      2. Yeah, I have a Brita filter because my tap water tastes horrible. When I pour myself a glass, I add a little more water to the pitcher. It takes two seconds.

        You can also get a rectangular reservoir type of thing with a filter that holds more water. The only issue with those is that I find them more cumbersome to fill; with my pitcher, I pour some water, and then just put the pitcher under the tap for a few seconds to add more water.

    3. I am assuming that you didn’t move very far, or have already ruled out that you can drink the tap water unfiltered? Many places have excellent tap water already. If it’s about flavor, I’ve always had about a week of adjustment to the tap water in any new apartment, but then it was fine.

    4. I prefer a countertop reverse osmosis system with a big tank – cleaner water and less refilling. I keep a tank full of room temp water, and a pitcher for cold water in the fridge at all times. It does way more than Brita (which isn’t really the best filter out there, even as far as simple fridge ones go).

        1. I use Rkin, but there are lots of really good brands out there. If you google “countertop reverse osmosis water filter reviews” there are some good reviews that can help you choose. They can be expensive up front ($200-$500) but the water is so pure and you only replace filters every 6 mths-once a year depending on brand.

    5. Berkey. Holds more than a BRITA and per gallon filtered is cheaper than Brita (though it’s costly up front).

    6. we have the Costco filtered water pitcher and it’s easy and fine. I really really prefer ice cold water when working from home so I tend to pour my filtered water into a 32-oz stainless steel container and then add ice, then I pour from the container.

    7. Brita has a fridge shelf dispenser that holds more than a pitcher. That may be an option?

      2. You all are lucky to live places where the tap water is drinkable. I’m talking taste, not safety. My tap water (in my area, not just my apartment) tastes like chlorinated pond scum.

  2. Looking for unique birthstone jewelry – likely earrings or a ring – to commemorate my kid’s birth. Stone is garnet. Any recommendations on places to look? All I see on basic sites are studs or half eternity bands.

    1. Go to your local bench jeweler(s) and look at what they have in their cases. I had an amethyst and tiny diamond right hand ring made when my daughter was born. She wears it now as a young adult. It was made by a jeweler in my neighborhood and it is a unique looking ring – the amethyst is oval and set east-west rather than north-south, it’s super pretty and something I wouldn’t have figured out on my own. We both got/get compliments on it constantly when wearing it.

      3. 100% second going to a local full bench jeweler- you want something unique, which usually means getting something made.

        I might suggest looking at not-red colored garnets? Tsavorite garnets are gorgeous. Garnets also do come in star flavors- they’ve got 4 arms instead of 6.

    3. I’d check out Cecile Raley designs on Etsy for great garnet jewelry. She’s known for sourcing beautiful stones. For garnet, consider getting a mandarin garnet (Fanta orange), grossular garnet (emerald green) or even a pink mahenge garnet.

      1. January baby chiming in here to agree. Garnets can be so many different stunning colors – I have some earrings that contain very pink-leaning rhodolite garnets and they are gorgeous.

        I also really like vintage jewelry for garnets – Victorian, Edwardian. Garnets were apparently very popular back then.

    4. I got a really nice delicate necklace for this woman (link below) a few years ago at a little market in Savannah. She does custom stuff and has ready made things with garnet. Reasonable prices and pretty things, though I would advise against a necklace while you have a very little one (or at least be careful wearing it). Mine has been broken by little hands pulling twice (easy to repair but a hassle) when they were still nursing. https://www.jkdesignsjewelry.com/

    6. I hit etsy when I was on this quest. I searched for my son’s birthstone, narrowed it by jewelry type, and I was awash in great options at a variety of price points. You can filter further by things like vintage, handmade, country of origin, style, etc.

  3. Is there any particular kind of fish that’s better than others for fish tacos? I don’t mean the types of fish that you can get at coastal restaurants, I mean of the types that would commonly be available at a regular grocery store in the DC area.

    I’m not much of a fish person but have been advised to consume more of it for health reasons, and I tend to be ok eating tacos with any kind of meat so I figured I’d start with that. Ideally I’m looking for something easy to cook as well, where I could throw it in a dish to bake with a teaspoon of oil and seasonings and then just pull it out of the oven and cut or shred it for tacos.

    1. If you’re supposed to eat more for health reasons, you don’t really want to eat the kind that’s usually in tacos. You want a cold water fish with high omega 3s, like salmon, herring, mackerel, sardines, etc. Basically, an oily, fishy kind of fish, not a white bland fish.

      1. This is a good point. I think salmon lends itself well to tacos and can be prepared in the way OP wants in that last line.

        OP – traditional fish tacos are white-fleshed and mild fish like mahi mahi, grouper, flounder, halibut or cod.

      2. Agree. I think Tilapia and Mahi Mahi are best for fish tacos and was all set to respond as such until I saw your health comment. Salmon it is!

      3. +1 My husband is not a big fish person but is really digging the pre-made salmon burgers at Whole Foods in the fish department. He sees it as sort of a gateway to tolerating salmon more frequently (on the other hand, I could eat a salmon filet daily and be happy). Heck, even my “if it’s not a carb or bland I won’t eat it” 4 year old has been eating them. You might consider that?

      4. Unless you are advised to eat more fish to cut down on meat? In which case cod and tilapia would still work.

      5. OP, I don’t think salmon tacos are weird. You could make either of these with the seasonings and skip the salsa. Add whatever normal taco toppings like lettuce and tomatoes that you wish.

        If you like spicy, you’ll probably like this recipe. I’ve made chicken tacos with pineapple salsa, this is similar and this recipe gets rave reviews online and from me. You could put it in an taco instead of a bowl. (All of her recipes are great – haven’t found one I don’t like yet.) https://pinchofyum.com/bbq-salmon-mango-salsa

        And this one looks good. https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/246845/blackened-salmon-tacos-with-chunky-mango-avocado-salsa/

        This is my easiest baked salmon recipe. You could just throw this in a pan to roast and serve with roasted veggies. https://www.lifeasastrawberry.com/easiest-spicy-lime-grilled-salmon/

    2. We use tilapia for tacos a lot! Neutral white fish. As noted above it’s not an oily ocean fish though.

    3. If you’re trying to get used to fish, I love Trader Joe’s fish sticks in fish tacos.

    4. Mahi mahi is my favorite for tacos/sandwiches but grouper, tilapia, cod, haddock, or halibut also work.

    5. It’s not the most budget friendly but I enjoy pan-searing sea bass. It’s just a white fish and hard to mess up. I put it on a bed of coconut rice and some green beans on the side. In fish tacos I usually do mahi mahi or halibut. Salmon burgers and mahi burgers from Trader Joe’s are great to have on hand. Good luck!

  4. So feeling reflective after a birthday weekend and being mid 40s also feeling like life is passing me by, if I’m honest. Would people share some of their goals for the next year or year and a half so by year end 2023?

    One for me is work on health and gut health, namely by cooking more, eating more whole foods and less processed junk, maybe taking a probiotic, and exercising more consistently. Basically stop treating my body as if it’s 25 and see if that helps.

    What other big picture or small picture goals do people set for themselves? I’m trying to take a more positive, I have control of my life, view rather than just feeling like I’m idly sitting as life happens. I have found that in the rare year where I make a New Years goal, I do manage to do that thing.

    1. Inspired by this morning: get my lake and pool certification; aim for ocean next. Swimming is good exercise, but I’m not a racer. “Being able to pass all lifeguard tests” is a quantifiable goal that I think I can do (or at least lets me not kid myself as to if I’m trying or dialing it in). Don’t ever plan to be a lifeguard, just want to be competent b/c no one ever has a lifeguard in the SEUS and I’d feel better for an upcoming rafting trip.

    2. I want to invest more in being grounded, centered, and kind. For me this means attending weekly religious service, going to the local Shambhala meditation center each week, meditating twice daily and journaling daily, and reading more Pema Chodron type books. I also want to work on becoming present and internalizing some new mindsets to replace my general run-of-the-mill neurotic ruminating. I feel like I am kind of money-focused and distracted a lot of the time, and always feel like I have a stream of negative thoughts I’m batting away. I’d love to rewire how I think about the world and get a better sense of awe.

    3. Low-stakes, but have donated blood so far 3 times this year, which means that I have passed the iron test 3x this year. Win-win!

        1. No problem! My goal was 6x year, so I am hoping to get at least 5 (may be off schedule due to having to move an appointment when we had COVID in the house). Officially, you can donate whole blood every 56 days. I try to go before a mealtime on a weekend and then go to a Vietnamese or Mexican restaurant near the blood place to rebuild my strength. Because of COVID and WFH, we don’t have drives at work anymore, but there are fun restaurants by the donation center.

          1. Yes thank you. My husband has had 32 units of whole blood since January of this year. Once they told him he was using too much and I’m like, he doesn’t have a choice.

    4. OP again – is it completely ridiculous that I want to get a pilots license at this age with the eventual goal of flying for an airline? Obviously it’d start with flight lessons and all the testing to see if I even have any aptitude for it. It seems insane in your mid 40s to want something like that and then have the 10 year slow slog up through the ranks only to be forced to retire at 65. But IDK I want to feel like I lived and didn’t just sit at my boring lawyer desk job making money. Financially I could do it. Life wise it seems insane. But then part of me thinks so what do it and it could just be a hobby even if not a career.

      1. Do it! It’s not crazy. You get one life.

        Signed,
        Former litigator, starting to work on my somm certification in a couple weeks

      2. Do it! I want a license, but don’t want to fly. Just know what to do in case of an emergency. Also: I love maps and charting courses, so understanding how it works is a goal. Not actually doing it frequently.

      3. Why not try? You can change your mind at any point if you don’t enjoy it or are no longer interested in working for an airline. Side note: I don’t think I have ever once heard a woman’s voice as the pilot on a commercial flight, and I would like to.

          1. I haven’t seen it, but I was talking about pilots when I’ve been a passenger on a flight.

        2. I have heard a woman’s voice as pilot many times! It’s unusual enough that I take notice, but I wouldn’t say it’s rare. I love it!

        3. I fly a lot and probably 5-10% of commercial pilots are women. It’s not unheard of but it’s rare enough that I notice. One time the flight crew was all female and they made an announcement about it. One of my good friends is a pilot for United.

      4. DO IT!!

        Even if, and maybe especially if, you didn’t have the career thought of flying for an airline in mind, you should do it! Things are 100% worth doing even if they’re not careers.

      5. oh man, please do it! if the current state of available pilots to scheduled flights says anything, it’s that they need to raise salaries and train more people…. fast.

    5. I don’t really have achievements or milestones that I am striving for these days (I’m 40). It’s a weird feeling, but I want to make sure I don’t create goals just for the sake of it, with the goals being things I don’t actually want. For example, I am not interested in any of the jobs above mine in my organization (or maybe my whole field). It took me a while to realize I really don’t think I want a promotion.

      So instead I have goals about ongoing practices/habits. I wax and wane on eating real food, but I know it’s better. I’ve recently started doing yoga almost every morning before work, instead of having only one special weekday or two when I do it in addition to weekends, and that’s feeling good. It’s rewarding to see that I can do deeper stretches or hold poses longer over time. I went back to dance classes for this summer and plan to stick with that 1-2 times per week. I’ve drastically improved my shopping habits by focusing on clutter and waste, because I realized that saving money was not in itself motivating me enough. I find that having a journal and pens that I really like helps motivate me to write, and now I write at least once a day. So these are all more like lifestyle things. If my life looks exactly the same in 5 years as it does now, I will be fine with that.

    6. I have a milestone birthday next year, and it has inspired me to make this year one focused on health. I like to add, not take away, so I am adding more cardio, strength training, and fruit and veggie servings to my life. I’m also adding more entirely plant-based days of eating.

      Other goals: Finish the first draft of a fiction book I’ve been casually writing for six months or so, try a specific art class, join a local club for a sport I took up earlier this year, and get my lower leg hair lasered.

    7. I’ve shared my goal before but it’s flossing nightly. It’s achievable and important and the latest research links Alzheimer’s to gingivitis so, maybe flossing is even more important!

      My general goal is to retire on schedule and raise self sufficient kids, enjoy life along the way and don’t try to delay everything until retirement because a hefty percentage of my family members didn’t make it there.

      1. Flossing is the only goal I’ve ever stuck to. Started in my late 20s and my dentist friends are always amazed. Apparently a lot of people only floss the week of their cleaning and they can totally tell.

    8. Fast approaching 40 here. My goal is to get back out there and have fun. I have wonderful friends I keep in close touch with but we’re in different life stages (which I 100% respect) and I don’t have anyone left to go out dancing with or join me for a spontaneous happy hour outside the house. So that’s my shallow and frivolous goal :) Good luck with your own resolutions!

    9. Break my own master’s record that I set this year in an event.

      Get published again.

      Take my kid on adventures.

      Finally get the paperwork together for Italian citizenship.

      1. Do it! I did it (a sprint then Olympic). I am not the fittest person ever or anything. But its super fun. I love that its multiple exercises (not “just” running or biking which I have done at endurance levels and enjoyed less).

    11. At 37 I’m in the worst shape of my life, and also the heaviest I’ve ever been, even including pregnancy, gulp… (although I did gain an unusually small amount of weight while pregnant). I want to get back in better shape by 40. Losing weight would be a bonus but mainly I’m focused on improving my fitness.

    12. Staying in better touch with friends! It’s not the hard stuff with hard friends, just texts or a card occasionally. I’m not waiting for them to reach out!

    13. I want to learn to golf.

      I realize it’s hard to get good at, but I want to reach a basic level of fluency where I could join a team for a charity event, etc.

      1. Do it! They give you a handicap and have things like captain’s choice for a reason. Plus, courses are usually pretty (and there’s often a beer truck making the rounds). I’ve decided it’s like outdoor bowling but the clothes are much cuter.

        1. Ha! The pretty scenery, beer truck, and cute clothes are some of my top reasons for this goal. Great minds think alike!

          Thank you for the encouragement!

  5. I do not understand how long and/or super-pointy nails are possibly a style that people have these days. My past as a fiddle player may color my views, but any non-minimal amount of nail to me seems to be very hard to keep clean and any sort of shaping / length seems to tempt fate to upend your 10 perfect digits with at least one snag or stubby little one. I guess at least poking a run in your hose or tights is less of an issue these hot steamy days. [But every time I see them especially in a medical setting, I feel the ick factor and wonder how often they poke through gloves.] The above nails are a nice fancy look but I could so ruin the perfection just by eating nachos (and they would have orange cheese hiding in them for too long).

    1. My nails are naturally the length of the ones in the picture, because my hyponychium (skin under the nail) is quite long from genetics. My mom’s nails are the same way. I can’t cut them short because there is nothing to cut…I’d be cutting live tissue.

      2. Same although I never thought about it that way for my fingers. My toes on the other had after years of dancing en pointe, have tiny tiny nail beds, but all still there, so I guess it’s a win.

    2. I shudder every time I see a singer or influencer with super long nails. There’s one TikToker (SammieJ or something?) I watch who always does getting-dressed videos and every time I worry she won’t be able to button her pants or put her earrings on because her nails are too long.

      1. There’s a girl I see on Insta whose entire career is her nails, I think. She puts in her contacts with her knuckles. I’m mildly fascinated with her.

        1. okay I can understand putting the contacts in with knuckles, but how does one get them out???

        3. If my nails even get slightly too long, I have to trim them because I feel like I’m scratching my eyeball when I take my contacts out.

      2. I watch those makeup influencers apply their glittery shadow to their eyelids with their long, pointy nails and I’m convinced they’re going to take an eye out.

    3. I follow a local nail salon on IG and they post a lot of pics of pointy stiletto shaped nails. I would certainly poke an eye out. I recently discovered @tessa.lyn.nails on IG. She does the cutest nail art on her natural nails. I can barely paint mine a solid color without making a mess.

    4. I love painted nails and used to get regular gel manicures. I always asked the manicurists to cut them short & they always argued with me but then did what I wanted. I can’t be bothered to have my nails in the way of everything, and I play piano and guitar too, so any length is a no-go.

      Because of this, my bias toward women with long nails is that they’re putting a trend ahead of being able to function (just imagine how it goes in the bathroom!) and I have no respect for them. If that makes me a snob, so be it.

      1. It makes me sad that you choose to be so judgmental towards other women. Please consider letting go of some of that negativity.

    5. I keep my nails about as long as the model in the picture. Most people with long nails, myself included, have acrylics which make your nails much thicker than natural nails and less likely to break and tear things. It definitely lessens the shelf life of gloves so I don’t know how people in professional that require regular latex glove wearing do it. But for everyday stuff, you get used to them pretty quickly and the only time I feel inconvenienced by them is when I play golf. I use a cheap toothbrush to scrub the undersides when I wash my hands.

  6. We see my in-laws about once a week, usually over a meal. When we meet with them, they are constantly pushing food on us and saying stuff like “you need to eat more,” “your plate is so empty,” “you look too skinny,” “you look weak,” etc. The truth is that I’m trying to lose my covid-15 since I cannot fit into any of my clothes. So, I know to not take things personally, but I’m just kind of tired of hearing them and their constant faux-concern about my weight, which I’m not happy with, and it makes me not want to go over there anymore. DH feels obligated to see them every week or two and his approach is to just ignore their comments. My kids have already picked up on this and even though I didn’t put them up to this, they basically tell their grandparents “no, she has plenty of food on her plate, etc.” Any advice on how to cope when your in-laws are basically obsessed with food and have no qualms commenting on your body and eating habits? Is there a nice way of telling them that it’s rude to comment on peoples’ bodies? We are all from an East Asian background where talk about food/you gained weight/you lost weight, etc. is considered normal conversation.

    1. No. It’s their culture it won’t change. Don’t go weekly. Husband can go with kids.

      1. +1 doubt they’ll change. Ignore the comment or redirect the convo. Personally I wouldn’t give up family time over it, but you do you.

    2. another East Asian woman here and… given the cultural context, I’m not sure if even you said something politely that they’d stop. They’d just probably be insulted that you asked them to do something to stop hurting your feelings.
      Leave food on your plate. Eat slower. Make more noises that you’re really full and really won’t eat more. May have to go nuclear and just throw extra food in the trash in front of them.

    3. My grandma did this to me when I was a kid. She lived far away and it’s pretty much the only thing I remember about her- I honestly don’t have a single fun or loving memory, though she was perfectly nice otherwise. My mom is now sad that was the extent of our relationship and wishes she had tried to get her to stop. So something for your spouse think about and to try to come up with a way to discuss it with his parents.

    4. Different point of view. Is there anything driving these concerns? My family did this to me a good deal when I was in my 20s and if we are being honest, having a very dysfunctional relationship with the amount of food I need to eat. It came out of love without the ability to address the actual concern – you are too skinny, despite thinking you still need to lose 10-15 pounds. This may not be at all applicable to your case but sharing in case it is something to consider.

    5. Before I got to your last paragraph, I was wondering if they were Asian or Indian. I’m Indian and this is certainly my experience with extended family and my parents friends. They’re not going to change and would probably be offended if you told them it was rude. Just smile and nod and politely decline food.

      1. Thanks for the advice and validation that it’s not just me! I am figuring out that smiling and nodding goes a long way to being viewed as the good DIL.

    6. You tell them that your body and food habits are no longer a topic of conversation.

    7. DH and I are Indian and his mom will often say things that she means to be loving, but sound like barks. I.e., “eat more!” or “Are you sure you’re full? What did you eat today?!” It is her way of showing maternal love and concern, which may be what your parents-in-law are doing. Maybe work on your vulnerabilities or anxieties around it – it’s possible that if you didn’t have pre-existing insecurities around weight and eating, these comments wouldn’t affect you at all (they don’t affect me).

      1. Oh for sure I am more sensitive to it than other people are, but mostly because they are drawing attention to something I’m self-conscious of already (i.e., not feeling comfortable in my own skin at the moment). Yes, it is out of love and concern, but unfortunately I’m just not in the best mental state to see it that way.

    8. Given the cultural issues here, my fave way to get through things I know will be full of prickly comments is making a Bingo card to check off after the fact. That way I can face it with humor and anticipating each comment for fun.

      1. Yesss always yesss to interaction bingo cards to save relationships. It sometimes just helps to turn a predictably annoying thing into a private little joke.

  7. I love the whole vibe of this photo, even though it is just a hand.

    Does anyone have experience with this Etsy shop? I like those rings.

  8. Is is possible to clean a nylon bag with leather accents? I have a lighter blue colored LePliage that has darkened here and there. Has a leather handle. Is it possible to clean this thing or am I passed its good days?

    2. yes, I scrub mine with a washcloth and dish soap as needed. Just don’t get the leather wet.

    3. Honestly I’ve thrown a Le Pliage in the washer and it’s been fine. You could probably also take it to a dry cleaner to see if they could do something

      1. +1 I’ve washed mine at least 50 times in the last decade. Always looks great after.

      2. Wow, I never thought to throw a leather handled bag in the washer, so thank you for the suggestion.

        1. ymmv. I did that with an old white one and the leather color totally bled. That’s why I switched to cleaning with a damp cloth & not immersing.

          (The leather itself looked pristine after washing, though, so if you had a dark bag, I bet you wouldn’t notice the bleed at all.)

          1. Yeah mine was navy and had an entire bottle of milk explode in it so the washer was kind of the last resort before the trash…you honestly would never know it’s been through the washer except that the handles have softened up! Those bags are fairly indestructible!!

  9. What’s the conventional wisdom on Etsy these days? I used to buy stuff, but then it seemed like a lot of the shops were selling mass produced cheap cr@p. Then there were some complaints about Etsy raising their service fees on the shops.

    1. I’ve bought candles from an Etsy store for the past couple of years. They posted on IG during the Etsy boycott that it hurt their business. They are a small company and make most of their money from Etsy. I try to shop carefully at small businesses that are actually making their own products.

    2. I’ve noticed this too! I was looking for embroidery kits last week and definitely noticed that there were a few designs that showed up in several stores. And many were promoted stores. I had to do some digging to find sellers who were actually small indie businesses.

    3. Etsy raised fees for sellers so their margins are very tight now. I primarily buy vintage or antique jewelry so don’t run into mass-produced stuff, but do have to be careful & selective when looking at sellers – very high customer ratings, flexible policies, and higher numbers of sales, so the ratings mean something.

    4. I search for shops that are local to me, starting with my state and if that doesn’t work, the US. That makes it easier to identify actual makers as opposed to people reselling manufactured items. I’ve bought two wreaths from someone who has actually dropped them off at my house to save on mailing.

      1. I do this too. I look for sellers in the two major cities near me, and tend to buy from local area. I have still gotten cheap mass produced stuff though. And they don’t always list their production partners

  10. Any non-doctors dating doctors here? I recently started casually dating an ER doctor that I am starting to develop real feelings for. He had a rough shift yesterday and lost patients. I’ve never dated a doctor before and am wondering how best I can support him going forward while navigating the fact that we are not in a serious committed relationship. At the time, I told him if he wanted to talk I was here, but if he prefers to be left alone to process I can do that too. He responded that he would be ok and that it was pretty routine (other than it being a particularly rough day). I just let him know that I thought it was pretty amazing what he does day in and day out and we left it at that. I feel I should take what he said at face value and let him take the lead on this, but any general insight from someone with experience would be helpful.

    2. Hiya! Married to an ophthalmologist here, so not exactly the same pressure as ER, but DH routinely does surgery. We dated throughout med school/residency, so not sure how helpful this is, but in general I ask in advance how I can help, what he’s stressed about, and how I can support him. Whenever he’s prepping for a big surgery day I ask how he’s feeling, if he’s nervous, and then that day I check in later on to ask how the surgeries are going.
      I think how you handled it was appropriate. On particularly bad work days for DH, he’ll ask that we relax extra, so we try to skip any non essential chores and watch TV on the couch while eating dinner.

    3. Yup. Take his lead. Not a partner, but my roommate/friend from grade school is an ICU nurse and loses patient somewhat often, and I just take her lead.

      1. +1 My sister is a neuro ICU NP at a large hospital in an urban setting and loses patients a lot (“if you’ve gotten as far as me the odds are not in your favor” so she says with a shrug). She’s just very matter of fact about her job. She wants whatever I want when I have a bad day at my finance job: a drink, a laugh, maybe a mani/pedi to destress, but nothing over and above. What she deals with daily is so far beyond anything I could comprehend, but to her it’s “just a job”, which are her words. I know she’s impacted by what she does, but she compartmentalizes and has instructed me to basically do the same. Despite her apparent emotional disconnectedness outside of work, she’s won multiple hospital-wide awards in her 15 years for bedside manner and overall excellence.

    4. Take his lead and make sure he returns the favor when you have bad days. His bad days may be different than yours but his bad days are not more important than yours by default given his job.

    5. I’m a physician and when I lose patients or have a tough day I let my husband know. Sometimes I need a listening ear but more often I just need him to make me some food and let me lay on the couch and decompress without expectation that I’m going to be as chipper or upbeat as I usually am. Sometimes he prods me into a walk or a gentle yoga video which is helpful. Since you are at the beginning of your relationship I think you handled this nicely by offering support and taking his lead. It is routine to have patients die, but some deaths are much more traumatic for the medical team than others and some cause doctors to doubt themselves and their skills. I always find it hard to cook for myself or obtain food after a tough day so this is something to think about too.

  11. I’m so torn up about this. Hope I can vent.

    I’m very close with my sister and her kids. She got married young and they had kids right away, and when my nieces were like 4 years and 18 months old, the husband left her for another woman he’d been cheating with for some time. The other woman was pregnant with his kid when he left my sister, and he married her as soon as the divorce with my sister was finalized.

    The girls went through some pretty tough custody stuff – new wife didn’t really want them there and basically treated them like trash while they were, and ex husband badmouthed my sister constantly, even though he and my sister had agreed, in the context of therapy for the older daughter, not to do so. For instance, he told the girls when they were way way too young to understand that he left their mother because she was cheating on him, when the opposite was true.

    It was and is really hard on my sister but people always told her that when the girls were older, they’d figure out the truth. And they did figure out most of it, mainly by their dad slowly drifting out of their lives to focus on his new family and wife, and finally, at his wife’s insistence and in front of the girls, went no-contact with them altogether, which broke their hearts but showed them who he really was. This happened when they were young teens.

    Now it has been a few years, and prompted by the death of one of their grandparents, my nieces have decided they want to try to have a relationship with their father again. It’s so hard, and I know he’s going to try to turn them against their mother again, my sister and best friend. I know it’s their choice because they are young adults and it’s not like anyone can stop them, but it is so so hard, and again, maybe I’m just venting, but any advice?

    1. You might try reposting tomorrow when more people are around, but your sister’s kids will know the truth. They know which parent has been there for them. I have recommended it here before, but the Chump Lady blog is a huge resource of advice for people who have been through your sister’s situation and others like you who want to support them. A lot of posters face similar co-parenting issues. The comment site is similar to this where you are anonymous and can ask a question below that day’s article. There may also be a Facebook group. I am not affiliated with the blog in any way, but it was a godsend to me when my husband dumped me out of the clear blue sky one Monday after I got home from work. Otherwise just be there as a listening ear for your sister and the kids.

    2. Let them have their relationship with their dad and make sure that they always know you’ll be on their side, and always come get them if they need, no questions asked, no judgement for choosing to go to dad’s again.

    3. It isn’t all or nothing. Them having a relationship with their dad doesn’t mean they have to like your sister any less . Hope for the best–and that would be that they do get some sort of a relationship. But also be prepared to support if they are disappointed again. Try not to show anything but respect for the dad. As awful as he has been, it only serves to hurt the kids. No one wants to think their dad is awful (even when he has acted that way in the past). I hope your sister is able to have peace and let go of the wrongs of the past. Hanging on to resentment doesn’t serve her well, even if she is the wronged party. The best revenge will ultimately be her happiness.

    4. I’ll never forget my dad, on one of our dad/daughter Wednesday nights when my parents were separated, telling me that ‘he knew he never loved my mother and wanted better for me. he wanted me to wait for true love and not settle. that a life without true love is not the right life to be living’. I was 9, and my parents did get back together before they got divorced. I always knew my dad did not love my mom, that was painful, and as I got older (teens) I did realized that my dad was a terrible parent.

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