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Coffee Break: Trapezoid Belt

Sometimes the things that make designer items the best are subtle details — the kind of thing where “if you know, you know.” This trapezoid belt buckle is just such a subtle detail, and I'm loving it in all the iterations Akris has out right now.

This pretty blue has captured my heart, of course, but the black-on-black version is also lovely. It's $395 at Nordstrom and Akris, and Neiman Marcus also has a similar Akris belt.

Looking for something more affordable and can hold out for a few more days? Rebecca Minkoff has some nice belts around $60 in the NAS.

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Sales of note for 12.5

218 Comments

  1. Hit me with some paint color ideas! I have a small, north-facing attic bedroom that I want to paint a non-white color. The knee walls are low, so I think I will paint the ceiling and walls all the same color. The walls are too short to chop it up, I think. My preference is to lean in to the smallness and darkness, but I’m open to any and all inspiration!

    2. Does the bedroom have any other uses? I have an interior powder room that I painted Sherwin Williams Urbane Bronze and I love it.

    3. I’d either go warm (like a deep terracotta, or a pink) or a lean into the fact that northern light is grey, and paint the room a deep grey.

      I wouldn’t do a green, I’d worry it would look sickly.

    4. I think a pale icy blue, similar to Farrow & Ball Borrowed Light, would be lovely. You could make the small space feel bigger with silver accents and mirrors to reflect the light.

    5. I painted all of the walls and ceiling in my north facing den Sherwin Williams Dark Night and I LOVE it. I was a little nervous going from all white to the dark color, but was so glad I went for it. I follow a lot of designers, and see recommended again and again dark colors and painting ceilings for low light rooms; it’s the opposite of what people think of doing, but it’s so good. I kept my trim white; while it’s kind of a thing to go all monochromatic and paint trim the same color, I personally think thats a trend that will will look dated in a few years (although of course there are classic examples of this; I just thought I wouldn’t like it in a few years).

  2. I travel to LA 4-5 times a year for work and I’m looking for something fun to do for 1-2 days to add on to my next business trip. Trying to decide between Pasadena, Culver City, or downtown LA, all of which I’ve heard good things about but haven’t spent any time in.

    I love walkable neighborhoods (I know this is not LA’s specialty but I’m hoping basing myself in one neighborhood might help!), history, art, and good food. I’ll be on my own and am planning to spend a fortune on Ubers because I don’t want to rent a car.

    I usually stay in Venice or Santa Monica, but I could add one night and stay in any of those neighborhoods. Which would you pick and why? Or something else entirely?

    1. Is Culver City nice now? When I was in college 20 years ago it was definitely not a nice walkable neighborhood. More of a concrete wasteland.

      1. It is nice now and there’s a good show playing at the Kirk Douglas Theatre.

      2. Totally nice now. Never really thought about it when I moved to LA in the late 90s, but now it’s full of restaurants and retail and there’s an Expo line station. There are two museums, too – The Museum of Jurassic Technology (which is super weird and also fun) and the Wende Museum of the Cold War.

        All that said, I’d try out Pasadena. The Norton Simon is a fantastic museum, the Gamble House is great too, Old Town is cute with lots of restaurants.

      2. +1 – DTLA and Culver City have improved but I wouldn’t stay a weekend there. I love silver lake and would also do Venice or SM

    3. I would personally pick DTLA, but I really value good nightlife/restaurants and constant events/concerts. I’m also used to dealing with crime and transients. DTLA is the most walkable, just avoid staying anywhere near skid row. DTLA has MOCA and the Broad for art museums, and Little Tokyo/China Town/Arts District/Olvera Street are also great.

      Of all the trains, the Expo line is the least scary and goes through DTLA-Culver City-Santa Monica. I also frequently take the red line from DTLA to Los Feliz/Hollywood, but none of my other girlfriends will take it, lol.

      If this trip is before November, I’d stay at the Intercontinental DTLA or somewhere else with a fabulous pool. Also look at weather forecasts if that’s a factor for you–Pasadena is usually warmer than Culver and DTLA is somewhere in the middle.

      I find Culver City kind of boring and the “downtown” area is really small, but I like the Culver Hotel for drinks. I think you’d have to Uber quite a bit in Pasadena, but the downtown area and Huntington Gardens are very nice.

      1. Pasadena is usually a good 15-20 degrees hotter than Santa Monica, and about 10 degrees hotter than Culver City. If you travel here a lot, you probably know this already, but September is often one of the hottest months of the year, and November/December usually mean rain.

    4. Come and see me in Pasadena!

      If you like architecture, we have the Gamble House. If you like art, Norton Simon Museum and the Huntington Library and Gardens, which is also as the name suggests a fabulous garden. Also Descanso Gardens. Old Town is great for walking and shopping and eating and drinking. And I would definitely meet you for drinks/lunch/dinner!

    5. Downtown has so much more going on now than when it used to be strictly a business district, and just about everything is walkable. That gets my vote.

    6. Amongst those three choices, I suppose I would pick Pasadena, but I am not really sure it is worth a vacation. No offense to anyone who lives in Pasadena, I have lots of friends from Pasadena and La Canada and the area is lovely!

      I would be more inclined to stay in Santa Monica like usual and take an Uber to the Getty Villa (or the actual Getty) for your extra day. Or bike ride on the beach path down to Venice (or even further south). Walk around in Brentwood or Pacific Palisades. Go to dinner on the beach in Malibu.

      1. Senior Attorney reminded me of Descanso Gardens. If you go to Pasadena, I heartily second that recommendation.

      2. Also if you go to Santa Monica, I like to stay at the Georgian Hotel and I heartily second the rec for the Getty Villa!

        1. I have so many good memories of visiting the Getty villa with my grandmother back when it was THE Getty.

    7. LACMA!

      You want LACMA on Wiltshire, with walking distance to the Farmer’s Market.

      1. Also in the neighborhood: The Peterson Auto Museum and the brand new Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Museum.

    8. I would stay in los feliz — it’s got some great walkable nuggets and you’re close to the park!

  3. So DH and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8, and I recently noticed that in the last few years even before the pandemic, he’s very much fallen into the male routine of – oh I tried to do the laundry but couldn’t (say because the last load was still in the washer); or I don’t know how to cook x (as if I do); or your sandwiches are so much better than mine or you do the dishes after dinner so much faster or whatever. The point is he’s getting away doing less and less as each year goes by with this helplessness. I guess I hadn’t noticed before because it wasn’t that much more work for me. But now I find myself wanting to scream – and you couldn’t switch a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, you had to wait for me to come home and do it? Or how would you make a sandwich if you didn’t have a wife? And so what if the dishes take you 30 min longer, evening plans consist of scrolling on your phone which you can start a half hour later?

    FWIW we both have equal amounts of time at home, equivalent jobs in terms of money and stress, and there are no kids and no kids planned. And this isn’t stuff that can be outsourced say to a cleaning service, which we have, because these are the day to day tasks of living.

    I get I can stop this by just stopping doing these things for him. But I guess how do you make someone think about you? For example if I’m making sandwiches for lunch I always make him one or at least ask if he wants one; he OTOH never thinks to even ask if I want one and in fact if he makes his own lunch, he acts like – see you should be thankful I made my own sandwich, I took a task off your plate and you should be thanking me that you don’t have to worry about my lunch now . . . . It was NOT like this when we were dating or newlyweds and I’m unsure how we got here. FWIW MIL waits on FIL non stop since they retired so I wonder if he’s been noticing that in the last few years.

    1. I feel like communicating is the answer here. If my SO told me, gee I couldn’t do the laundry because there was still a load in washer, I would ask, why didn’t you just take it out? It’s not clear me to me from your post, but I get the sense that you’re silently seething over some of this stuff. Just air it out in the moment. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. But if you see him making a sandwich, say, oh I would love one too, would you mind? Thanks, honey!

      A bigger conversation may be in order – it sounds like you would appreciate him anticipating your needs more and he’s dropping the ball there – but I would start by just speaking up in the moment.

      1. +100

        “I’d really like it if you asked me if I wanted food when you are making food for themselves.” You can’t force someone to think about you, but you tell them what you want and need and then make specific asks.

    2. Honestly, this seems very weird to me. Is he picking up some of your jobs because HE does them better, like home maintenance, garbage, shopping, etc? I’d just sit down with him and say, “Hey, I feel like this has become a trend and it feels like you’re putting a lot more work on my plate,” or however you want to phrase it. Non-judgmentally, maybe he thinks it’s supposed to be flattering to you, maybe he doesn’t even know he’s doing it, who knows. Don’t let it become a source of silent aggravation to you.

    3. That’s so rough! It sounds like your main concern isn’t really about the workload of taking care of him, but more the lack of feeling valued and cared for. I think that you can communicate all of this to him very directly. Sometimes things are a matter of just explaining to people how to make you feel loved and cared for, since their ways of showing it may be different from yours.

      I’d say: “It makes me feel loved/valued/cared for when you _____. When you don’t ____, I feel a bit sad or like there isn’t reciprocity in the things that I do for you. Do you feel like you can start ___? If not, what are the blocks to making this happen?”

      If talking to him specifically about pulling his own weight, I’d say, “It would really mean a lot to me if you could be mindful about small aspects of household upkeep. I would really like to have an equitable partnership, and part of that entails making sure we are trying to balance out household chores as much as possible. Here are concrete examples of things that I’d love if we could both do consistently.” [and then list: cooking, laundry, etc].

      I think others on here have referenced “Drop the Ball,” which seems like a healthy framework to adopt as a first step if communicating doesn’t work. If it causing you stress and making you feel used, stop making him sandwiches, don’t do his laundry, etc. He’s never going to learn the natural consequence of “laundry doesn’t get done unless I do laundry,” if you’re constantly stepping in for him.

      These are solvable issues with communication! Best of luck!

    4. Don’t put up with that nonsense.

      I legit do not know how to turn on the dishwasher because dishes are DH’s job. Similarly, he has no idea what size shoes the kids wear or how to pack their swim bag. We literally sat down, listed every task and split it up.

      You can’t keep hoping that he will start to do stuff for funsies.

      1. and in this vein – I don’t do it.

        Why are you doing a grown man’s laundry? I’m also married for 6, together for 10, no kids and I don’t ever touch my husband’s laundry. we have separate baskets, I do mine when it needs done. I’ll wash my own towels and he can do his. He runs his own dry clearning. If he’s not making you sandwiches for lunch – don’t do it for him. If you offer he’s going to say yes because he’s lazy (no shame! my husband is lazy too!)

        These tasks are not love languages for either of you (giving or receiving) so just stop doing it. I find this to be one of the benefits of DINK life, but all of the communal activities (dinner and dishes) need to be a conversation or an explicit ask from you.

      2. we have a very similar system here – we divide responsibilities and take care of the things. DH does laundry, I do dishes, he does floors, I do bathrooms, etc. Depending on our work and travel schedules, occasionally one person will pick up more of the tasks than the other, but it balances out. It’s definitely an ebb and flow, but on the whole balanced.

        I will say that DH has gotten much better at this over the last 5 years (we’ve married 13 years)….like he makes a far greater effort now than when we first got married. It was his idea to divide responsibilities, which as smart. We’ve had a lot of genuine discussions about household and emotional labor of tasks over the years. I’m also convinced he listened to some podcasts that really went into male-female stereotypes and traditional roles and committed to making sure our marriage was a true partnership, not lopsided. We also have had arguments around cleaning :) (lest I sound too pollyanna here) but the result of those has been a better understanding of the labor involved and commitment to sharing it.

        1. This is how we do, too, roughly.

          DH said to me last night in an extremely rude tone, “aren’t you going to _____?” (minor task that left undone represents an annoyance to him and only him), and I just stalked across the room and did it, but from now on if he says something like that, I’m going to cheerily say, “Nope, but you’re welcome to!”

    5. Oh… this should be unacceptable in a marriage in 2022. All the things you wrote (‘you couldn’t switch a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, you had to wait for me to come home and do it?’) you need to start saying out loud. There needs to be a come to Jesus conversation. Your husband seems to want a maid not a partner.

    6. Honestly, this is one of my biggest pet peeves and I’d have a come to jesus talk about it and leave if it didn’t improve.

    7. I’m all about a work stoppage. Stop doing the laundry. Stop doing the dishes. Stop cooking. He will have to step up. Presumably you’ve tried communicating before now, but nothing speaks louder than actions. When he doesn’t have clean underwear, he will have to do laundry.

      1. Yup. Many years ago my then-husband had the temerity to complain about the quality of the laundry service I was providing for his personal laundry. I told him that when he got home from his next business trip there would be a laundry basket in his closet, and that henceforth he was on his own. At first he thought I was joking but I stuck to my guns and to this day I don’t do anybody’s personal laundry other than my own.

        1. Hah, I complained about the way my mom did laundry when I was nine years old… guess who had to do all of her own laundry from then on out? :-)

          1. Yeah, forgot to mention that edict applied to my son, too, who was about 11 at the time. He took it with much better grace.

    9. Your comment about your in-laws resonates because my MIL waits on my FIL all the time and I’m definitely sensitive to the dynamic of gifts of service vs. expecting service. Every now and then my husband slips into this learned helplessness and I’m very direct but flip about it. You don’t know how to air your bike tire? How do you think you could fix that, man with advanced degrees? My sandwiches are better? I didn’t come out of the womb knowing how to make a sandwich, you too can make a good sandwich if you think about it.

      Seriously, what is it with men and sandwiches.

      1. My husband recently asked me how to make an Amazon return. Like, what would you do if you were single my dude? I bet you’d be able to figure it out!

      2. The sandwiches thing is cracking me up because my husband makes the best sandwiches. I’ve been telling him his sandwiches are better since before we were married. I just refuse to bother with the little touches that actually make them that good, then complain that the sandwiches I make are just OK. On the other hand, it takes DH like 30 minutes to make a sandwich.

        1. Now I’m curious (and hungry). Could you give an example of one of his 30-minute sandwiches?

          1. Ha. He makes it up for each sandwich depending on what’s available. He always toasts the bread. After he toasts it, he stands the two pieces up together in a triangle so they don’t get soggy on the plate. Then he’ll take meat and cheese and separately warm that in the toaster oven so the cheese gets melty. He’ll often make a spread like a tapenade or aioli. He’ll wash and dry the greens. He slices tomato super thin and salts it. Just little stuff that comes together awesomely.

      3. I totally agree with everyone that this is definitely something to address. Weaponized incompetence needs to be addressed and fixed quickly and completely. But I have to laugh a bit about the comments, because I firmly believe that sandwiches are Always Better when someone else makes them (and I make a pretty darn good sandwich!)

    10. Call him on it each and every time;

      “Wow, Sweetie! I’d have loved a sandwich, too! Next time I’d appreciate it if you’d offer to make one for me, too!”
      “What? That last load was in the washer? Just take it and put it in the dryer and start the new load! Go ahead and do it now — I’ll supervise just this once so you’ll feel confident next time.”
      “Oh, I’m not worried about the speed of the dishwashing! Neither of us has anything better to do, right? I’ll just chill here until you’re done.”

      Also: What a putz.

      1. This is the right approach. The thing to avoid is making him defensive so he has to prove himself in the right or prompt him to start listing all his grievances against you. My DH can’t stand apologizing and needs to be led to better behavior like a toddler.

    11. This sounds like immature and entitled behavior, but I’ll give the benefit of a doubt: Is it worth asking him if he’s depressed or something is consuming his energy? Depression can sometimes manifest like an inability to do the tasks of daily living. It may be easier for him to feign helplessness than confront shame or inadequacy about depression. Also, I go through phases with my husband where his housework contributions drop off, and it’s often related to the fact that he’s been working in social services for two years during the pandemic. There are periods of emotional exhaustion where he is truly helpless; he knows it’s his responsibility to change the laundry, but it is an insurmountable and meaningless task for him. (I also have a stressful job, but it affects me differently than an inability to complete physical tasks. I become helpless at simple decisions like choosing a restaurant.)

    12. I would have a meta conversation where you describe big picture all of these issues. Then, every time he drops the ball, describe it to him explicitly: “This is exactly what I was talking about. You are a grown adult and we are supposed to have an equitable marriage. Why did you have to wait for me to come home to empty the washing machine?” And, stop doing any work for him. He will need to learn that he can’t get away with not pulling his weight.

    13. “The point is he’s getting away doing less and less as each year goes by with this helplessness.”

      I’m honestly not optimistic about your situation here. I very seriously doubt that he is willing to get better and will probably only get worse. I’d get out now.

      1. What?! This seems bananas. Don’t even talk to him, just divorce him. Don’t even wait until he doesn’t make you a sandwich.

        OP, it sounds like you should have a talk with him. I think we all fall into patterns in relationships, some benign and some more symptomatic of a larger issue. There’s no way to know if this is a bigger and more long lasting issue until you have a talk. FWIW, I find humor goes a long way with this stuff. When I feel like I am doing more than my share, I will say so and it usually helps us re-balance, but day to day I just call it out with some humor.

    1. I agree! But also, the color plus the extra hardware on the side makes it look so much like a dog collar.

      1. I don’t necessarily agree about the dog collar look, but I can’t see paying $375 for any belt, other than mabye a Frye or Aigner leather or Horsehide belt that is as thick as a saddle. The color of this belt looks a little less than real, and I don’t look particularly good in blue, even a blue belt.

  5. I told myself I would work for a nonprofit or public service after I paid off my student loans. I am 10 years out, I plan to pay off the loans by the end of this year. What would you do if you were me?
    – I make 120k/year at my firm, reasonable billable hour goal. Like the work, don’t love it, don’t hate it. I am a non equity partner. Mostly work on my own and don’t love a lot of my colleagues – like them don’t hate them. Firm only does family law pro Bono cases, and I hate divorce and custody issues.
    – after paying off loans I’ll have 50k in retirement, 30k cash. I have low expenses and am comfortable saying that 30k would more than cover my living expenses for six months.
    – public service jobs in my region pay between 55-80k. Not nothing but I would need to budget.
    – I am not itching to leave my firm but I would like to leave in the next couple years and do something more fulfilling. My firm restricts the organizations I can volunteer for, so I volunteer with a couple womens charities but they haven’t been very active during the pandemic.

    How can I start meeting more people and figuring out the next step? I can’t do other pro bono or much volunteering at this firm, but I would like to get a sense of what a job or team might be like before I go.

    1. I’d keep my job and save more for retirement and look at nonprofit board service (where your role is often donating and finding others to donate) vs nonprofit employment (where your ability to live now and save for retirement will be curtailed). That 40K+ salary differential can serve your longer-term goals AND your community maybe better than the alternatives. In the meantime, go to lunch and ask for informational interviews to learn more about things — one of the benefits of being in a later part of the COVID pandemic.

      1. I got the impression that OP definitely wants to leave private practice in the next few years. OP, is this right?

      2. As a counterpoint, I went from making $110k at a firm doing work I was majorly burned out on to a nonprofit where I made $80k, and my life got EXPONENTIALLY better. I personally found mine through Indeed, which is where most professional office type jobs are posted in my city.

        1. That can happen. I just hate that people think that a nonprofit = happiness and that a lower salary will pay them in virtue happiness that is meaningful. My NP friends work their tails off and often need a spouse with a good job to avoid having to take a second job (or are in a roommate situation forever). It’s just what your priorities are. Women in my family live a LONG time, so my foremost goals are financial stability, especially since I don’t want to be working into my 80s (since we live until our mid-90s). Working backwards, that means it might be better to go after jobs you like (don’t need to love) that will keep you solvent and maybe you can donate more $.

          I don’t get how OP is not allowed to volunteer outside of work. Like what is you were very religious and wanted to teach Sunday School or a confirmation class — could you not do that? Or weed at a botanical garden and give tours?

          1. And I have plenty of friends who have been at non profits that were utterly toxic, to the point that leaving for law firm or corporate politics was a sigh of relief to the overly family like crazy drama they had at non profits.

      4. I agree. To heck with the non-profits, as they are not as true and pure as you think. Too many non-profits pay their executives an insane amount of money which means that not much money ever gets to the cause they are advancing. Look at the dogs in the advermercials on cable. They always ask for a monthly amount to save the whales/dogs/cats/horses/people in Latvia, etc., and then you find out on the front page of the NY Times about all the phony charities out there that the IRS has qualified because they don’t have the headcount to properly police the fake charities. My dad says if everyone was as smart as me, there would not be problems in the world, and I think he is right b/c I have learned everything I know (other than law) from him, and he was MENSA eligible after going to college.

    2. In my experience with nonprofits, what they need most is cash flow. I would keep the higher paying job and donate more to the organizations I want to support.

      1. Hear Hear!!!! You said it right. And I concur in your opinion! YAY!!! I give plenty to NY Cares, Goodwill, and other charities so I don’t feel bad b/c they get all of my thousands of dollars of clotheing every year, many of which I don’t even wear before donating.

    3. Do you want to practice law in the public interest space? If so, start attending the CLEs and an events hosted by the legal nonprofits and agencies. Talk with the attorneys, get cards, meet with people.

      Serving on a board or two can help as well. I’m on the board for a nonprofit and people are literally begging me to be the next Executive Director.

    4. I’d check out Idealist.com for ideas of what roles are available and what orgs are hiring for those roles

  6. Does anyone work a fully remote job, 35-40 hours a week, where your workload is largely independent/autonomous with few meetings? And an OK to good salary (let’s say $60k+). If so, what do you do?

    1. Kind of? It depends on how you define “few meetings.” I have some days where I have 6 hours of them (I hate those days! but usually that’s once every week or every other week), but on an average day it’s more like 2-3. I work 35-40 hours a week and never work late nights or weekends. I work in tech and make 160K.

        1. User experience design! I will say that while I don’t work long hours, the hours I do work are very intense, stressful, and chaotic. Tech is not for the faint of heart, lol.

          But I can’t complain—I feel very grateful to have found this job. It really works for me and my lifestyle. And it’s definitely never boring!

      1. Ooh good call. I don’t know anything about their salaries, but all the coders and billing people I work with are remote and attend almost none, or exactly none, of our meetings. We usually communicate just by email.

      2. A friend of mine was a medical scheduler for a large hospital system. I don’t know the exact title.

    4. I make slightly less than your salary minimum ($57k) but otherwise yes. I work in higher ed communications/marketing. I almost never have more than five brief (~15-30 minutes) meetings/week and basically never work more than 35 hours. Fully remote.

    5. Yes! I make over $100k/year as a policy administrator for a state government agency.

    6. Maybe. I have 1-2 hrs of meetings a day on average, but some of them self-inflicted on stretch assignments that I took on. Sometimes more, sometimes none. I do project management for a government contractor, making 80K.
      We had some soft pressure to come back in a hybrid schedule, but went back to remote when the current wave of cases increased. At this point, a bunch of staff have already moved out of state and are working fully remotely, there is no turning this back. 40hrs/week but there are crunch times.

    7. I did until a few months ago, yes, as an accountant for a massive real estate management company.

    8. Yes, government contractor. It’s a lot of report writing and research. Some weeks have more meetings than others, but I can also go several days without any meetings/calls and just having chat communication on Teams. I’ve been full-time remote for several years now and most of the company is full-time remote.

    9. Yes. I am in-house counsel at a defense contractor. Today I had one meeting. Yesterday I had two. Even at my last company, I somehow managed to keep two to three days a week super light in meetings. I am pretty ruthless in turn invites for unnecessary meetings into a quick call or Skype and I also get shit done as quickly as possible which helps me avoid the what’s the status of this thing waste of time meeting. I also ruthlessly decline meetings I do not need to be at unless it’s a super high level request. I keep getting promoted and recruited so it seems to be working fine for me. .

    10. I do until tomorrow. I am a Canadian JAG lawyer and have been WFH 100% since March 2020 in a Justice unit doing claims and litigation. Eventually, people will go back to some kind of hybrid but I am being posted into a new job in national security and intelligence and have to be in the office full time staying Monday. It was great while it lasted! Not meeting heavy and great money …but in the army!

      1. JAG was my dream career as a kid! I have managed to neither be a lawyer nor be in the military, but I am an intelligence analyst so still working in security.

    11. Yes. Government researcher. ~$80k and I never have to leave my house if I don’t want to.

    12. Yes. I’m a lawyer at a nonprofit. The vast majority of my work is independent document review, brief writing, and research. I have settlement conferences with opposing counsel regularly that generally last for no more than 15 minutes, and staff meetings once a month. I talk with my boss when necessary. I make $93K. Dunno if you’re a lawyer, but it’s a pretty good set up if you’re independent. Although my job is technically litigation, it functions more like administrative law but with more deadlines.

        1. Got the posting sent to me on a listserv.

          We’re actually hiring right now. I don’t really want to out myself. Do you have a burner? I’ll email you the link to the hiring announcement!

    13. Personally, I started at much less than $60K in 2008, but there is no way I could do that now in NYC, and fortunately I do not have to now that I am over 40 and a partner at a boutique firm. But even tho I make more than 10x that amount, I still am fruegel, as my Dad has control of all of my finances and my spending money is limited to what I was given back in 2010. If it were not for my Dad, I would be on the street, so I let him and Ed (my brother in law) handle all of my finances. Think twice b/c if you need money down the line, you won’t have it unless you have a smart father and brother in law manageing your money.

  7. I usually deal with stressful days at work by treating myself to a fun snack, but I’m now trying to save money and eat better and need to stop doing this. Any recommendations on what to do for myself in place of snacks?

    1. I like: meditate for 10 minutes, do a gratitude journal, make myself a green juice or smoothie, go for a pleasant jog through the neighborhood or do a yoga video. Also, my favorite thing is to watch HBO shows (love SATC) on the couch with a healthy snack. Berry bowls or fruit bowls with mango/kiwis always feel luxurious to me but are healthy and not as expensive as a meal out.

    2. I like to take a walk if the weather is nice, or maybe a relaxing spa bath? Think candles and netflix?

    3. I apologize, I should have been clearer! Am looking for a little pick me up I can do during the workday when I’m in the office (I go in 4 days/week). I’m in an open office space too so even 10 mins of watching a show on my phone isn’t super feasible.

      The mental image of a relaxing spa bath in the office did crack me up, though !

      1. Ooh, in that case I love fancy herbal teas! Gives you a ritual and something to consume, and can be a pick-me-up /mood boost depending on what type of tea it is. + it’s healthy!

        Other thing I like is taking 15 minutes to read a NYer article or something kind of absorbing. Maybe even have a library e-book on your laptop to peruse as a break.

        1. +1 to fun tea! I buy Republic of Tea to keep at the office only and it’s such a nice treat. I often pair it with a baked good and pretend I’m back in Sweden having a fika, but ymmv since you’re trying to eliminate food based treats.

          I also used to save certain fun websites for days of the week/times of the day. Desk lunch on a Wednesday? Time to check Money Diaries! After 4 pm and I’m bored and need a brain break? Time to go click the surprise button on Smitten Kitchen for a few minutes, maybe glean some dinner inspo.

      2. Take a walk around the block. Listen to a fun song (less obvious than watching a show). Play a little game. For example, I always do the daily Wordle as a little reward after handling an annoying task.

      3. Get outside for ten minutes. It is a nice break and would be even better if you could schedule it with a coworker.

      4. Delicious fruit. Still a snack but healthy.

        I also love herbal teas and sparkling water.

    5. I take a 20 minute walk on my lunch break and either call a friend or listen to some music. Sometimes I will stop at the playground and swing on the swings.

  8. Accidentally asked this on the wrong post, let’s try again!

    The morning thread about the state of politics in the UK gave me an idea for a lighthearted thread. What politicians from your country are easy to look at? I’ll go first, Jagmeet Singh.

    1. Justin Trudeau obv. DH has a thing for Chystria Freeland and I kinda love that he likes brainy brunettes for celebrity crushes as well.

      3. I just sat here trying to come up with one. I think I am too old and after working with most Canadian politicians the bloom is sort of off. I would have to say that Peter McKay and Dominic LeBlanc are both very charming and charasmatic in person so I vote them. I’ve dated a couple Parl Secs and minor Ministers so I guess back then: them!

      1. I think Obama is so goofy looking! But Michelle is a knockout.

        But yeah we don’t have many attractive male politicians in the US. Lindsey Graham (barf) is on a “sexiest men in Congress” list I found, which kind of says it all. I think Eric Swalwell is conventionally attractive but he doesn’t do it for me.

        2. Just googled Eric Swalwell, and I just thought “oh no!”. From an overseas perspective he looks like a college movie bad guy style of conventional jock looks, if that makes any sense? Very dull style, but the Hallmark movies are full of them, so I guess they are considered attractive. :)

      2. I find the senator from CT extremely attractive, the one from Sandy Hook area. Can’t think of his name right now.

        Also he was a state house rep (I think? Maybe a state senator?) but Tom Winter from Montana is hot AF.

        2. As a Montanan, yes Tom Winter is hot, but he’s also an absolute prick, which knocks him way down for me. Thank god he keeps losing congressional elections (to way more qualified women, might I add)

          1. Tom Winter genuinely is photogenically attractive. The only North American one so far on this post (which I love, bring them on!) that is anywhere close to attractive in my eyes, but I one hundred percent bow to actual knowledge about prick-ness and say boo!

      3. Alessandro Molon – Brazilian congressman, if you like the Anderson Cooper vibe.

        1. That’s been his thing forever!

          I actually met him ages ago before he was SF’s Mayor and still married to Kray-Kray Kimberly. I found him to look more normal (still handsome) in person than his exaggerated features on TV. It was just the opposite for Kray-Kray who, at the time, looked normal (in a former model way) on TV.

        1. That was so dumb. Like obviously it’s going to get out that he went there. I don’t know what he/his people were thinking.

      3. Saw him in person multiple times when he was mayor. He is very good looking (and wears great suits), and is also surprisingly diminutive.

        1. YES! The man is tiny but has serious presence. I shook his hand once at the Lake red line stop and he’s got a firm handshake.

          1. Yeah, I feel like I would notice him even if he weren’t famous. Presence is the right word.

    7. I’m from Norway, and here one of the politicians with a reputation for being easy on the eye is the leader of the Red party (think Bernie but actually socialist), who’s called Bjorn Moxnes, or Foxy Moxy.

      On the women’s side, the Minister for Justice, Emilie Enger Mehl, who is very pretty. She’s 28 YO and sews her own dresses for Royal galas, which I guess would be shocking from a US perspective, where all top politicians seems to be Grandpa age?

      Internationally, the only pretty Norwegian politician known elsewhere I’m guesssing would be NATO chief Jens Stoltenberg, who was considered handsome when in office back home.

    8. Our local county executive is kind of a silver fox which I made the massive mistake of mentioning to a friend one time and have never heard the end of……

  9. Looking for vicarious shopping help – headed to New England for a vacation this summer and want a pretty new sundress. Budget under $150, prefer longer, and would love to lean into the preppier style. I already have Hill House Nap Dresses so looking for something different!

    5. Save your money and buy something on vacation? Pretty sundress is kind of a New England sweet spot, so make a memory and bring something home? Otherwise, there are some great Zimmerman sun dresses really on sale right now at the usual suspects (Netaporter/Saks/Neimans) if you are ok going a bit over your budget.

    6. for that price point I’d check out the Net-a-Porter sale and sale Faithfull the Brand

    8. Madewell has some cute options, the Cattail Cutout Tiered Midi Dress or the Ruffle-Sleeved Tiered Midi Dress are just two that might work for you.

  10. I have dozens of trial size or partly used personal care items. Think hand lotion, hairspray, lipstick, things I rarely use during my “normal” day but might find myself purchasing if I’m traveling for work and then bring it home with me. Many of them are several years old. I have a couple of clear tubs in my bathroom that I just throw these in. I realized this week how many I have. I called a couple shelters in my area, but they won’t take any used or opened products. I am wondering if any of you have just thrown them away? Or have you figured out the discipline to actually use them up? It feels wasteful, but lately, I feel like it a just clutter.

    1. These do not spark joy. You have my permission to throw them away and use products you actually love.

      If you still travel for work, maybe put one hand lotion and one hairspray in a little bag that’s easy to pack, but I’d toss the rest and not look back.

    2. Throw away any that you know are years old or that you’ll never use.

      For the travel-size items, sort the rest into the clear tubs by type–dental stuff, bath products, hair products, skin products, etc. When you travel, “shop” the clear tubs. Once every 6-12 months, go through the tubs and toss anything you never reach for.

      For the partly used items, create a policy that you can’t buy a particular product if you already have one of the same type on your shelf. That means you either have to use it up or throw it away before you can go shopping. I’ve been doing this for about 7 years, and I’m mostly down to just replacing products with the stuff I really like. Every now and then, I can’t resist a new product that promises to de-frizz my hair.

    3. Toss anything that is old. Life is too short to keep up with expired toiletries. For things that are still inside their shelf life – I used to keep things like this in my desk drawer at the office, but now I keep them in my car for when I need them.

    4. I give you permission to throw it away!

      Signed, former collector of travel sized things.

    5. I think you’ve done your due diligence and can throw them away. They’re likely expired anyway.

    6. I am not a trash can. I will not force myself to use or keep clothes, food, or cosemetics I don’t want. Just throw them in the trash. And if you feel guilty, don’t acquire more.

      1. +1 throw it away and don’t feel guilty. Life’s too short to be surrounded by piles of stuff you don’t even like.

    7. Throw them away. Free yourself. No one wants your years-old opened hand lotion. Trust.

    8. Definitely throw them out! For future travel, switch to empty bottles with your regular stuff so you don’t have this problem again.

    9. Agree with purging ancient ones, but I would put them in your purse or stock your guest bathroom with them.

    10. This is one reason I’m happy to see many hotels going to large dispensers of things like shampoo and conditioner.

    12. You can throw them away. But I have taken on the habit of using up things that I use routinely, like soap, bath gel, body lotion, and toothpaste. I just stopped buying new large size things until I use up the little ones. I would toss hairspray if you don’t regularly use hairspray, though.

    13. I just threw away a bunch of these myself. I don’t actually like the way most hotel toiletries smell (prefer a very plain soapy scent). I never use them up at home, if I’m traveling again, the hotel provides plenty while I’m there, and if I’m traveling somewhere where I need to BYO shampoo, I finally picked up a set of those plastic squeeze bottles, filled them with my OWN products, and am much happier.

    14. Use it or lose it! Each January, I go through my travel size stuff and use them up throughout the month. Whatever is left over is either tossed or donated to a women’s shelter as appropriate. I also do this with my pantry and freezer.

      1. Shelters accept toiletry donations; might be worth checking to see if there’s one close to you.

    15. You can keep the hairspray, but anything else that is SEVERAL YEARS OLD is trash. Actual, expired, trash. Lipstick has fat that will turn rancid. Hand lotion has fat that will turn rancid. Nobody will want these because they truly are trash.

      But for going forward – get rid of your tubs! Your tubs are trash cans by now. Do not put these items in tubs. Either use them right away, or give them away right away. Maybe hand cream will be used if you put in a work place bathroom (I wouldn’t but somebody might). Maybe a sibling, cousin or friend will want the lipstick – if it’s fresh and used twice last week.

      And the hair spray is fine. But do not put these things in tubs.

    16. People give open things away on our local Buy Nothing group all the time, though admittedly it’s not something I personally would take.

  11. I know theoretically you are supposed to get your engagement ring professional cleaned at a jeweler, but mine was purchased online so I don’t have a go-to location. Do people get their engagement rings really cleaned once a year? And any recs in the DC area if you do?

    1. Hack from my former jeweler husband: you can just walk into any jewelry store and ask if they can clean your rings. Most of the big chains like Zales or Kay’s will just do it and not charge you. I do it all the time.

    3. I’ve never heard this “rule.” 10+ years in, mine sparkles perfectly nicely getting the occasional bath in that solution jewelers hand out for “free” with a purchase.

      1. Technically, they want you to bring it in occasionally to check the setting, which saved my bacon because my center stone was actually loose once, and they showed me how it was loose. I was very close to losing it.

        But I also think they’d like you to come in and browse for a while while your ring is being cleaned.

    4. Whenever I get a replacement head for my electric toothbrush, I give my ring a once over with the old head before tossing it. Nice and sparkly.

    5. I just bought a Diamond Dazzle Stick on Amazon and it cleans my ring really well and I don’t even have to remove it.

  12. Grrrr — I awoke today to some sort of large, painful below-the-skin mother of all zits forming along my jawline. It’s in the unorganized-but-painful-and-still forming stage. There is no sign of where the head might be or any clogged pore or blackhead (or whitehead). I am trying not to touch it and I’m guessing that I’ll wake up tomorrow with something straight out of Dr. Pimple Popper doing on. I am too old for this sh*t.

    1. Try dabbing on tea tree oil immediately, and tonight before bed. This has helped me ward off full-blown zits.

      Signed,
      A 60-something who has to deal with both wrinkles and sometimes zits.

    2. Ugh same. I made it until my mid-30s with pretty clear skin and I have two massive, super painful ones right now. IME any topical stuff seems to dry them out so much they actually take longer to heal so I just let them run their course.

      1. I have had good luck w the Inkey List C50 Night Serum w this problem. It has salicylic acid as well as vitamins A and E to keep the are from drying out. It works miracles.

    3. Do you have zit bandages? I buy the ones from CosRx on amazon. I really find them effective for when the zit comes to a head.

      I am also too old for this sh*t (mid 50s) but here we are.

      1. +1, put a hydrocolloid on it during the day so you don’t absentmindedly touch it. Mine always come off when I was my face, so you can put tea tree oil on it at night. Or if yours stays on just leave it until it comes off!

  13. Shopping help requested! I’m going to a wedding in the Pacific Northwest in a vineyard in August. Mostly outdoors with no dress code specified. Size 14, apple shaped, usually a petite. Thanks!!

    1. I’d go Sue Sartor, works in a vineyard and the maxis are warm if it cools off in the evening.

      1. If a vineyard, more likely than not it’s east of the Cascades. Prob. hot & dry during the day but could cool off a lot later, desert-fashion.

        Or couldbe very smoky and then just bring a respirator and something you don’t mind getting ashy.

        1. Unless it’s Chateau Ste Michelle in Woodinville. Even then, I feel like August will just be hot and dry. Maybe a nicer nap dress? Do people wear those to weddings?

  14. If you are going into a BigLaw office for work these days, what are you wearing (in your city/state)? It is melty outside. [And, for amusement, is anything truly out of bounds these days? I’m just thinking of how a Mrs. Roper caftan would hide my anti-chub-rub shorts while I am concerned that they would show below some of my usual summer fare. Cannot think of an office-appropriate shoe to go with a caftan, so probably will not do this vs waste half an hour on the shoe thing tomorrow.]

    1. Honesty, I would say that very little is out of bounds in my NYC big law office. I usually wear a casual summer work(ish) dress on the days I go in (for example, a sleeveless or short sleeved J. McLaughlin dress or a short sleeved DVF wrap dress), but attire really tilts heavily casual in my office. Lots of people in jeans, which is definitely not my thing during the summer.

    2. In DC, wearing a lot of jeans (and now jean capris, including white and pastel colors). And cotton dresses. I am not a trendy person, though.

    3. based on friends – jersey dresses that look more structured than they really are, cropped stretch cotton or linen pants + shell or blouse, on Fridays many will do white jeans with a nice tee type of thing.

    4. The partner on my hall is wearing cargo shorts, so I’m pretty sure anything goes now. (in all seriousness, I’m just wearing what I wore pre-pandemic, but I have a driving commute and the office is overly airconditioned)

    5. West Coast office and it’s anything goes – I have a partner who routinely wears shorts. I am mostly in items from Toad & Co. lately.

  15. What types of styles of dresses and or skirts would you buy for a city staycation? I’m doing lots of sightseeing and outings with friends and family in my own city, and it’s mostly walking long distances, so something that can hold up to walking, picnicking, shopping, eating on a patio, etc (I usually wear these with cool sneakers or with sandals). I have to replace two or three dresses due to being a different size. What would you buy? Budget is around 100 per item.

    1. I’d get Boden jersey dresses, except the Phoebe was perfection and is no longer being sold, so you have to go Poshmark.

      1. Thank you! I will have a look at Boden on postmark. I’m in Canada, so the customs fees on top of shipping are steep.

        1. It just kills me, 90% of my wardrobe is Boden. I got so used to ordering it cheaply when we lived in Germany. I am going to start shipping to the closest border town UPS.

          I do have very good luck on Zulily.

          1. We used to share a postal box with a relative in the nearest border town, but sadly, no more— we rarely used it, but would have been perfect for Boden orders!

    3. Z Supply Reverie dress. Comfy, breezy, very flattering to the shoulders. Size down unless you are very well endowed.

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