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Doodles
Repost — Thanks so much for the great responses this morning to my question. Figured I’d repost for more ideas.
This weekend is my one year wedding anniversary and I still haven’t gotten a gift for my husband. He is in early 30s. Hobbies include food (he’s a Blue Apron master chef), working out, our dog, reading blogs/magazines (not really into books), hiking. Watches are out since I wouldn’t know where to start (he’s a big collector and buys his own — currently has over 10). Unfortunately, I won’t have time to make anything creative (work hours are crazy right now!) so this needs to be something that can be purchased/delivered before the weekend. Under $500 preferably.
Thanks!
Anon
I would suggest that maybe you take him out to a really nice meal or something.
Personally, my husband and I don’t really exchange gifts, other than (1) cheap sentimental things, or (2) things that we need and specifically ask for / would need to buy anyway. I feel like doing big gift-giving for the sake of gift-giving is just kind of pouring money down the drain.
Anonny
+1 – that’s how we operate. We very rarely have a REALLY NICE date night out that I think the perfect gift tends to be experiential – a fancy dinner/wine pairing/cooking demonstration by the chef.. something it make it stand out a bit more against other meals out you might typically do.
Anon
+1. Depending on where you are located I think it would be nice to combine hiking and amazing food (not necessarily at the same time.) but maybe an overnight stay near nice hiking with dinner at a fancy restaurant.
Anonymous
DC person here picturing hiking Old Rag then dinner at Inn at Little Washington. Best. Hypothetical. Day. Ever.
Anonymous
Can you do a “staycation?” For our first anniversary, we went to the hotel where we stayed on our wedding night (it’s in our current city) and had dinner at their restaurant, then stayed the night. I’m sure you could do that for under $500.
Since he’s into food, maybe you could find a restaurant or cooking class type thing where you can prepare your own meal and then eat it together.
Senior Attorney
I love this. When I was married we celebrated our anniversary with a local outing consisting night at a fun hotel, a nice dinner, and then a trip to a nearby museum the following day. E.g. overnight in Santa Monica followed by a day at the Getty Villa. Very fun and doable for $500.
Anonymous
https://www.fitbit.com/
And take him out for dinner.
Anonymous
I haven’t read this morning’s reply, but we are big experience gift people. Almost always concert tickets, sometimes sports. Whatever you guys like, tickets to that.
Doodles
Thanks for all the great suggestions. We are usually also “experience” gift givers. But right now I don’t think I could even take 2 hours off for dinner, let alone a whole day or weekend trip. I guess I was just trying to throw money at the problem and buy him something nice to cover up the fact that I haven’t been home before 10pm for the last three weeks.
At this point, I’ll probably buy a few nice ties or cashmere sweaters (he’s always looking for those)to add to his fall wardrobe and then plan a weekend trip for his birthday in October.
Anonymous
I know women are looked over for promotions and recognition all the time when they have kids, but it really seems like we’re discriminated against for our choices either way.
I’ve noticed a really odd new trend in my company, and I’m wondering if any other ladies have experienced this. I work in an industry where men hold the vast majority of senior roles and recently there has been a push at my company from the CEO down to get more women in the leadership pipeline. This has come alongside a lot of lip service in their efforts to demonstrate that the company has a “great culture” and “promotes work/life balance” etc. The issue is it seems like they’re starting to focus a lot on trotting out women that specifically have children in an effort to show how supportive the company is. It’s a very weird dynamic that is really troubling to me as a woman that our personal lives (whether we choose to, or physically can or cannot have children, etc.) should have any impact on such decisions. I support both paths and all women, and I find it extemely troubling on a very personal level that despite sacrifices, hard work, and results my ability to move up in an organization might be dictated by whether or not I fit the executive view of the “token” female persona they want to use to showcase their corporate culture.
Is anyone else running into similar situations?
Heatherskib
Ugg, I’ve got to come up with a bunch of SMART Goals within the next week for my boss. Anyone have suggestions for lower level management in public service career goals?
Wildkitten
When I was interviewing in BigLaw one of the people in my rotation of interviews would always be a woman with children who would cover her office in photos of her children and talk about how it was possible to do both BigLaw and be a mom. That was a few years ago, so I don’t think it’s new. It was pretty blatant.
Ellen
Yay! Coffee Break! I love coffee break and this chocker, but I am concerned that men look at chocker’s as an excuse to subjugate women. Which get’s me to my point with the OP. Yes, there is a lot of lip service given these days to putting women into positions they do not realy belong in — as window dressing — but our status has been subjugated for so long that I do NOT quibbel with the results. We need to have more women in high places, even if they mess up, because guess what, men in those jobs mess up also, and their poopie stink’s just like the rest of ours –male or female. A person should be given a chance to do the job — i was, and I suceeded at it, thank’s to the manageing partner putting ME into a position of prominace in the firm. He needed a woman litiegator — because he onley had Madeline, who was sloppey and dumpey, and he knew that if I were groomed to be the firm’s WC expert, that we could win alot of cases with the judge, his freind, who apreciated the finer thing’s in life, and pretty women like me. So of COURSE I took the job, having nothing great to keep me at the process place serveing subpeenie’s, and I did well. Why? B/C I was driven to suceed and become a partner at a boutique WC firm, which i am now. Yes, I did decide to foresake a domestic life, but that would have been a disaster with Sheketovits comeing home drunk every night and forceing me to do things with him that I did NOT like. So as a career girl, i am a success, but no thank’s to men other then the manageing partner, who has benefited financialy from my work. In a nutshell, we woman have to do what we have to do to suceed, and we do. YAY!!!!!!!
Anonymous
Unfortunately, I think this is common. For example, in BigLaw, it used to be that the only women that would be promoted were those that were single and/or childless (or so it seemed). So now, as Wildkitten observed, BigLaw loves to show off the women that succeed with children.
For men (children or no children) is not an issue. They do not take a career hit for all of the doctors appointments and maternity leave that women do when they have a child. Nor do men have to come back and pump to supply milk for their babies.
Anonymous
Yes. i think women face barriers in the workplace that have nothing to do with children, such as finding mentors, dealing with sexist clients, etc.
MJ
Agree with above poster. I’ve worked in finance and biglaw, and firms LOVE to trot out the women who “have it all” as if it’s super-easy to just juggle. The token supermom, if you will. Most of those women themselves will not claim it’s easy. And some super-senior women have stay at home husbands. (One of my favorite all-time Fortune issues is from the early 2000s and has a cover story about the rise of the Trophy Husband.
I don’t know necessarily that women who didn’t have kids were discriminated against, per se, but…I do think that EVERYBODY wants to know your business. Kids? No kids? Single? Dating? Engaged? Married? Childless? Childless by Choice? They’re just questions that women get asked or that come up more with women, partially because I think it’s the way old men try to connect with women. The weird thing is, in my experience, all of the men with kids had SAHM wives, so when they try to connect with “I’m a parent too” and “I made sacrifices too!” it really is tone-deaf. It’s just not the same.
Need a Pep talk!
Is the hive consensus to not reveal a pregnancy until after a job offer is official? I have three interviews this week but am only six weeks so obviously don’t want to reveal it, but it feels so much like trickery/lying. Plus I assume leave policies may not apply since I’ll have worked at the new firm less than a year. Do I just wait and negotiate that later? Advice and or personal experiences needed!
Alice
No experience, but I would say don’t reveal. I mean, some people don’t even know at 6 weeks, others know they are high risk for miscarriage and wouldn’t reveal…I can’t imagine anyone would fault you for not telling at this stage. Obviously you will probably need to figure out leave before accepting.
Diana Barry
Not until offer is official!
That may take you all the way out to 13 weeks anyway, and I would negotiate leave at that time.
Marise
The day after I accepted my current job, I found out I was pregnant. I did not mention it until I was past my first trimester. Wait at least until you are 12 or 13 weeks. When you tell them, you can also add that you did not mention it in your interview because you were still in the early stages of your first trimester.
anon
This. It is NOT lying or trickery. People have kids. It comes with the territory. Nobody expects you to announce at 6 weeks; many people don’t even KNOW yet then.
Need to Improve
I would not tell them now. But I would tell them once you have an offer, so you can negotiate leave. They can’t rescind the offer after you tell them, and you will look good for being forthright rather than showing up and saying “SURPRISE! I AM PREGNANT!”
I know a man would not have to worry about telling people, but men don’t have the same leave considerations we do.
Anonymous
I’m pretty sure they could rescind the offer at any time… you’re more secure once you have it in-hand, but still not 100%
LA for kids
Any recs for LA/OC with toddlers/preschoolers? Planning to go to Kidspace, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Crystal Cove beach.
Wildkitten
The beach!
Senior Attorney
Since it sounds like you’ll be in Pasadena, check out the Huntington Library and Gardens. My son spent hours at the turtle pond when he was little.
MJ
Museum Row, more specifically the La Brea Tar Pits museum is fascinating for kids. They love it. The LA Children’s museum is too. I would search the Goog for Sunset magazine recommendations. Their search on their website is terrible, but Goog helps you back into great articles from them.
Also, if you are in the South Bay, the Cabrillo Museum in San Pedro (near the end of the 110 freeway, so a straight shot from Pasadena as long as you go not during rush hour) is absolutely amazing. Touch tanks and the whole bit, plus it’s not so large that littler children get overwhelmed.
Have fun!
Alana
If you go to Cabrillo, bring umbrellas for everyone because there are tons of seagulls.
OCAssociate
Crystal Cove is my favorite beach! You can hit the shake shack or the Beachcomber for meals right on the sand.
Pretend City is a cute children’s museum/mini city in Irvine.
LA Natural History Museum was a hit my preschooler. The Sciencecenter isn’t very kid-oriented, but has the Endeavor space shuttle if your kids likes space ships.
Long Beach has the Aquarium of the Pacific.
San Juan Capistrano has a great petting zoo.
I’ll report back if I think of anything else.
Anonymous
Do you believe women in positions of power have a special obligation to be a role model/mentor/partner to other women? Other minority groups? Lets discuss.
AnonInfinity
No. I think it’s nice, but certainly not essential. There are women who are terrible role models and mentors, just like there are men who are terrible role models and mentors. It’s okay with me if those people sit it out.
I also have a problem with the idea that powerful women can or should only be role models and mentors to other women, not that you were saying that has to be the case.
Anonymous
I’ll bite! I would have said yes (where feminism meant fighting for women in the workplace) until a year or so ago, when health matters cropped up in my family. I’d love to fight for work/life balance but I’m exhausted and routinely consider whether taking time off would be better for me. I have a couple other professional friends who have or are considering the same thing. I also am exhausted by societal expectations of women in the workplace and at home. Not set up for us to succeed, but I have limited energy.
Wildkitten
Do women in positions of power have the option to NOT be a role model? I think that just comes with the job and you can be a good one or a bad one, just like powerful men, but your modeling matters more because there are few of you.
bridget
I dislike the idea that I have a “special obligation” because I’m a woman – even if that “special obligation” is in the service of feminism.
I think that women who have succeeded have an obligation to not discriminate against other women simply because they are women, but, yeah, we all have that obligation (and men do, too).
TXLawyer
I don’t think women in a position of power necessarily need to be a role model in the sense that they themselves need to live a certain way, but they do need to be aware of and accountable to the roles and positions of the people that work underneath them (just like a man in a position of power should be.) It’s just that often women in a position of power might be better able to “get it” when women talk about the difficulties of having children and succeeding in their work environment. Like Marissa Mayer doesn’t *have* to take 12 weeks off after having her twins, but I would expect that her experience influences the way her company deals with maternity and paternity leave policies.
Anonymous
In reading one of the articles about her new pregnancy, I figured out what irritated me – she is quoted along the lines of saying that with “hard work and prioritization”, she’ll be able to manage. That leaves out what must be the key to it – lots and lots of paid assistance. This isn’t a case of “just dig deeper and you too can do it like she does”, but that’s the message that those words send.
TXLawyer
I think that’s what irks me as well. She certainly doesn’t need to take 12 weeks of maternity leave, just like any woman who gives birth doesn’t *have* to take 12 weeks. But I think she should sensitive to the fact that some women have fewer options when it comes to child care, post delivery recovery, etc. and also some women have difficult childbirth experiences that make it difficult or impossible for them to return to working after a couple of weeks. And some women simply want to enjoy time at home with the newborn child, insofar as their company’s policy allows it. As a woman in a position of power who has given birth and will again give birth, she should have a personal understanding of that and consider it when determining how her workplace addresses that particular policy.
Bewitched
I’m no particular fan of Marissa Mayer (and I haven’t even read Sheryl Sandberg’s book), however, I would point out that I think it’s unrealistic for her to acknowledge these issues in her announcement.
I read the announcement and I think it’s directed exclusively to her employees, her board, her shareholders and the financial markets. They don’t give a hoot about her leave or her nannies, they just want to know she is going to be around to keep a close eye on the company (as she is paid to do). The rest of us “regular” working moms can debate whether she’s a good role model or moving things forward for working moms, but her announcement is not really directed to us.
Anonny
I agree with Bewitched completely.
I think that it’s a responsibility of the media to not take her announcement and segue it into a conversation about “working mothers” – which I’ve already seen all over the place – without underscoring this ENORMOUS difference that many of the men in my professional life will not realize on their own.
Anonymous
If Im an employee, thats what i want to hear. Esp in light of the changes shes made to make their lived more difficult. To do otherwise is really tone deaf.
NYNY
I think “role models” are people we try to mimic, but who may not have any relationship with us. Being a role model is involuntary.
I think women in positions of power often feel an obligation to be mentors to and/or advocates for other women, but it’s not required. Mentoring is to some extent a talent, and not everyone has it. You may know how to navigate office politics, for example, but not know how to train someone else to do the same.
anonymama
I think if you are the only person in a certain role of your kind, or one of only very few, you will be considered an example of your kind, and a role model to others of that kind, whether you want to be or not. I don’t think you have a requirement to be a mentor, particularly if you have other things going on in your life that take precedence, but I think there is slightly more of an obligation, just in terms of sharing a scarce resource (i.e., your experience as a woman/minority).
Anon
I think they have an obligation to do what they can. I don’t expect them to go out of their way and be a champion for women and minorities, but do what they can in their control to level the playing field. I say this because, most of us are in the position we are due to the sacrifice and hard work of women who came before us who fought for our rights. We have a duty to pay it forward.
Baconpancakes
Do women or other minorities in positions of power have an obligation to be role models/examples to other people like them? No, they don’t have any obligations. Do they have any choice? Also no. People are going to look up to you, copy you, take your actions as examples of “your kind” regardless of whether you want them to or not. If you care about promoting women or other minorities in your field or in power in general, then you have a moral obligation to yourself.
TXLawyer
In the earlier BigLaw Nanny thread someone brought up Stay-at-Home-Dads.
I’ll admit, while my husband is really open to the idea of being a stay-at-home-dad, and would definitely be the better of the two of us to provide that kind of care to our future children, I still have a weird feeling about it. I think it’s a combination of ego, insecurity, concern about public perception, etc.
Any of y’all have experience with SAHDs?
Wildkitten
I think they are becoming more and more common, and less and less weird, and if that’s what makes sense for your family you should do it.
anonymama
I know a few stay at home dads, and it seems to work really well for their families. I think it works better if both parents are pretty secure in their roles, and aren’t feeling guilty/unmotherly/unmanly about it. I don’t think anyone judges them for it at all, in fact I think they get a little extra “Aww, how nice!” (although this is California, not Texas, so ymmv).
Anono
Can I say that as a newish mom, I am SO OVER the “aww how nice!” Dad gets? Dad is a wonderful person and a wonderful father. But the amount of back-patting he gets for his parenting is shocking to me, let alone the looks he gets when he walks through the city carrying or pushing DS in a stroller. You’d think he was on the menu. I wouldn’t begrudge it at all if it didn’t seem so related to him being a dad, not mom. No stranger has ever looked at me and said “Way to go!” or the like, let alone *flirted* with me, for taking care of the baby!
Need to Improve
Oh I know. It’s super annoying. Or when I would go on business trips and people would say “how is your husband going to manage?” or worse yet “who is going to watch the kids while you are gone?”
Senior Attorney
Keep in mind that in the event of a divorce, if you are the high-earning, working-outside-the-home spouse, you are likely to find your spouse is awarded primary custody of the children and possession of the marital residence, and you will be paying sky-high child support and spousal support. Nobody ever plans to divorce, but it happens and you need to have your eyes wide open when you agree to such an arrangement.
cc
Doesn’t that seem like the right answer though? Minus genders that is what usually happens- no reason it should be different because the working person is the wife.
Anonymous
I dislike them for the same reason I dislike stay at home moms. It’s not an equal partnership if only one of you works. I don’t want anyone staying married to me because of economic pressure. And I think stay at home parents get real boring real fast.
anonymama
Following this reasoning, it’s also not an equal partnership if one person is earning way more money than the other (or is coming in with way more money). I think in most marriages there is some amount of “economic pressure” to stay together, in that divorce is definitely costly, although hopefully there are many other reasons that weigh more heavily in people staying together. And I think the stress of trying to run a household with children while working two full time jobs can also make a marriage more difficult, particularly if one or both of those jobs are very high-pressure.
And while Anonymous sounds like kind of a jerk, I think it can be difficult for people on a social level when they no longer work outside the home… your day to day life just becomes very different from your spouse’s, especially if you don’t have other common interests. But hopefully you would still be interested in the minutiae of your own children’s daily lives.
Anonymous
Yup. Totes a cray jerk here. Whatevs. We all see men at work bored by their stay at home wives. Idk why we need to pretend like it’s totes awesome.
anon
yeah, I agree.
Baconpancakes
Rich people kind of figured it out – SAHW don’t actually stay at home and take care of the kids, they run charities, head committees, and take care of the social aspects of their husbands’ jobs – like throwing parties, entertaining, and making networking connections. The economic pressure to stay with someone is there, of course, but a good prenup should take care of it. Instead, the pressure I dislike in unequal partnerships of one partner working outside the home and another in the home is that one partner’s entire world is dedicated to making the home and basically serving the needs of the other partner.
This doesn’t apply to partners working part time, or short-term SAHP (until kids go to school or something).
LSC
My dad was a SAHD in Texas for a while. We all loved it.
APC
I had a stay at home dad from about the age 9 on (circumstances changed in my family). Can’t speak to societal pressures on the adults, but it was fine as a kid, and I never noticed it was out of the ordinary.
Lyssa
It works well for us. As was mentioned above, both parties have to be secure in their roles, of course. I’ll add that it gives our family a lot more flexibility and ability to do things (you can have the best paid help in the world, but there are some things that a parent really has to be there for) and it gives me a lot more ability to put in what is needed at my job (i.e., no having to rush out to get to day care on time or stay home for sicknesses). It also allows more time in the evenings and weekends, since we don’t have to run around and handle all the errands and that sort of thing, since he can get them done during the week.
Also, I have to address the Anonymous comment above – it is absolutely an equal partnership. Paid work does NOT define a person’s value or status in a healthy relationship.
FWIW, we live in a red state and come from very conservative families where the mothers were home or part-time employed, and no one has expressed a problem with our non-traditional arrangement. It’s really become a lot more accepted than you might think.
Anon
My husband was a stay-at-home dad for six years after the birth of our son and then our daughter. It was a great arrangement for us and really made it possible for me to excel in my early years as a lawyer. Now that both kids are in school and his mom has retired, he has returned to full time work. His mom helps us get the kids to school and can help with days off, sick kids, emergencies, etc. I have also gained enough freedom at my job that I can take days off here and there, adjust my schedule, delegate work, etc. in ways that I could not earlier in my career. I still make more than he does, but I think we both feel like we contribute equal amounts to the marriage. We have had to figure out who does what household chores now (since he took care of almost everything while he stayed home–I realized I had forgotten what it was like to clean on the weekends, cook and clean up dinner, etc. because he did all of that for me.)
NYC Anon
I was the one who brought it up. I just want to add that I think there’s nothing wrong with SAHD/SAHM and I actually *wish* this was something I wanted (either one), because in some respects I think it can be easier if there’s only one career to worry about and you don’t have two parents both doing the work/life balance juggle. But the thought is not at all appealing to me on either side… I love my career and the intellectual challenge of being a lawyer, so I don’t think I’d be happy as a SAHM, and at the same time the stress/pressure of being the only household earner sounds terrifying to me. Also, I also like the idea of my future husband having a career outside the home (whether this is cultural/societal pressure or something else, I’m not sure). Two of my closest male friends at the firm (both associates) have SAHM as wives, both with multiple children, all on the same salary I have to support just me. Yes, they have someone at home to cook dinner and make sure they have clean clothes, but sometimes they seem to have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Whereas I could quit tomorrow if I absolutely needed to do so and I’d be okay (financially, at least). I know having two earners doesn’t necessarily give you the immediate freedom to leave your job/scale back/etc. because your lifestyle expands to fit two people (and more once you have kids), but there’s still always a second income that you can stretch to live on if you need to.
moss
are you really tied to your husband working literally *outside* the home? My husband stayed at home with our son through kindergarten but he wasn’t a stay at home dad so much as a work at home dad. He has a part time job with very flexible hours as a programmer in health care and he juggled that just fine. Do you want your husband actually leaving the house every day?
new anon
My dad was home with me for my entire childhood and it was great (so great that my husband and I would like to eventually do the same thing). At the time I was born, my mom was the higher earner and, just as importantly, he was tempermentally well-suited to being home with a kid in a way she was not. As far as I know, my folks never took any flack for it (late ’80s small, fairly conservative, town) and I certainly never did. I also never saw any conflict between them over the concerns you cite, though that doesn’t mean it didn’t exist. That said, I think they’re both people who are really comfortable with their individual strengths, weaknesses, and personalities, and were consequently very comfortable that they’d arranged their lives in a way that made sense in light of those things. FWIW, I’m constantly thankful that they taught me that particular lesson.
nutella
seems about time to post this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/07/31/upshot/millennial-men-find-work-and-family-hard-to-balance.html?_r=0
Brahmin Mini Duxbury
Does anyone have a version of this crossbody bag? Thoughts? Either on Brahmin itself or this particular purse?
I won’t post a link here, but if you go to N o r d s t r o m and put the name into the search you will see it.
Either talk me into it or talk me out of it. Love, PHX
MJ
Brahmin is a great brand. Love their stuff. I don’t do crossbodies so I can’t comment on this one in particular. Nordy’s carries a ton of their stuff, and for the most part, Nordies does not carry brands that are not quality. Hope that helps.
By the by, my best friend has used a Brahmin bag as her primary purse for going on 4 years now and it looks great.
Anonymous
I have a Brahmin bag and it is a workhorse. I am not gentle at all with it and it’s held up beautifully for three years. I think they are well made for the price point.