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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
business bag?
Good Morning.
I am thinking about getting a nice work bag that is good for travel. I am traveling on my first international business trip this Friday! I have been looking at Tumi Voyageur Sheryl Nylon Business Tote. If you have it, can you please share how you like it? It’s quite expensive, so I want to make sure I make the right choice. My needs are basically a bag big enough for my 15 in laptop, power supply and mouse, 24 oz hydroflask, some notebook, a small cosmetics bag with handcream and lipstick and of course my wallet and travel docs. That will be the only bag I will be carrying. Open to other suggestions as well.
And just for reference, I currently use a Fossil leather tote which is scratched up pretty bad. I somehow get a new stratch everytime I put it under the airplane seat. I have also used a kate spade laptop bag which barely fits anything more than a laptop and some notebooks.
mascot
I’ve carried a Tumi coated canvas tote for work daily for 3 years and it’s held up great. The storage is well designed and it easily fits everything I need.. Cons- mine is a little heavy and the structure makes it feel bulky if I am not carrying my laptop or files. I generally pack a wristlet or smaller bag to use when I am going to dinner or somewhere that doesn’t need all this stuff.
Savannah
Yes – I have this tote and have had it for about 2 years. It is the perfect business travel tote and holds everything you describe. I cringed at the price but I love it.
MJ
Recommend you also look at the Victorinox Divine–I like it better than my Tumi. I sing its praises on here often–it’s a great deal on ebags when they have discount coupons. I have two of these totes (one is orchid, one is black) and they wear like iron.
Anon
I usually love Elizabeth’s picks, but this one… isn’t that great.
Anonymous
Looks dated to me.
Anonymous
Agree. Colorblocking is very 2012- 2014 max to me. It was so popular that it looks dated not classic to me. In another 5 years it may be chic again but right now it’s definitely a dated look.
I wore this
I actually wore the black and white version yesterday and it looks good, but I agree that the version with tan looks weird.
Anonymous
Really? I gasped and oooed out loud because it’s so lovely.
Anonymous
It’s not ugly, just super dated.
anon
I like it! These are my colors, which may explain why I’m drawn to it.
anon
The shapes would work for me if the colors weren’t such high contrast…
Anonymous
They have it in black and white.
Anon
That’s the highest contrast you can have
Anon
It reminds me of dresses that were popular like 8 to 10 years ago
Anonome
The weird pose is throwing me. If it’s such a flattering style, why does the model look like she has a giant tumor on her right hip?
Anon
Agree that the pose is super unflattering and it’s making the dress unappealing to me.
Ellen
OP, she is a plus sized model, and these days, we must remember that we all can’t be size 0 or size 2, particularly once we are past age 32. I struggle every day to do my 10,000 steps, especially when I must get to court and cannot walk. This is the only way that women like me can even hope to stay in smaller sizes. But I know that my Mom is a size 14, and that Grandma Trudy and both have big tuchuses that I also will have, so that is why I remember to focus on my health and what I eat every day. When I was home last weekend and went to the bakery with Dad, he specifically just bought some whole wheat bread, and told me I could not have any cookies, even tho he used to buy me and Rosa cookies every Sunday when we were young. Dad says we must all be disciplined so that we stay svelte and healthy. Rosa and I got the message, even tho we still love a cookie once a month or so. YAY!!!
S in Chicago
Would be way better if it had sleeves. Feel like this is the sort of thing that you can never find the right topper for. Might also help it look more modern.
Anonymous
I actually loved the look of this dress and just tried it on the other day (in all black with white detail–not multi-color blocked), but unfortunately it wasnt that flattering (for context: I am apple shaped) . It weirdly creased in the hip area which made the vertical stripes look wonky. Sad it didnt work out bc I loved the look of it on the hangar.
Also as an FYI the fabric was a scuba material, so it makes it feel a bit more casual.
AttiredAttorney
Any ideas for unique consumable gifts that can be mail ordered/delivered? Trying to think outside the flowers/Harry and David/chocolates box for my mom, but I feel like I’m frequently looking for gifts like this to send to friends as an “I’m thinking of you” acknowledgement around $60-75. The hive previously suggested cheryl’s cookies $5 “cookie card” (huge hit for everyone I’ve sent it to), so I’m hoping for something unique like that, but a little higher price range.
Anon
You can send Cheesecake Factory cheesecakes for around $80 I think.
Diana Barry
I have heard good things about Zingerman’s but haven’t ordered from them except for work.
Anon
Unpopular opinion I think but I was so disappointed in Zingermans. I went there on a trip to Ann Arbor, expecting it to be the highlight of the trip and it was not. The sandwiches were fine but the baked goods were so stale and dry. It was a huge letdown since I’d heard so many positive things.
Anonymous
Zingerman’s is incredibly overpriced. I order cheeses from igourmet dot com instead. Recipients have been very pleased with the quality.
Anon
I know that you’ve done the chocolate route, but L.A. Burdick has truly exceptional chocolate. Everything, from the variety to the freshness to the wood box, is special.
AttiredAttorney
This is a great suggestion! I didn’t realize they have a physical location in my city, too. Helps make it even more special.
Anon
The one in Cambridge MA is good too.
Anon
I love giving people the hot chocolate mix from Burdick’s. It’s SO MUCH better than regular hot chocolate, and also expensive enough that most people in my circle wouldn’t buy it for themselves.
anne-on
Goldbelly does consumable gifts with regional variations. I request the mini black and white cookies from my husband for valentines/birthdays…and then promptly hide the box from my kiddo who cannot tell the difference between the real ones and the sad shoprite versions….
AttiredAttorney
How had I never heard of Goldbelly? These options are fantastic!
anon
sugarfina? i feel like it was created for this purpose
S in Chicago
If they like to cook, a Penseys Spices gift box. They usually do different assortments from exotic hot chocolates to meat rubs to different geographic area themes.
anne-on
+1 – we LOVE Penzey’s and send them to my inlaws almost every year. Their ‘bakers box’ with extracts and such is especially nice. The hot cocoa box was perfect for daycare/teacher appreciation days too.
The original Scarlett
I send cowgirl creamery cheese – you can order from their website directly
H13
+1 Always a hit when I send from Cowgirl Creamery.
Ms B
Baklava from Mideast Pastry Delight. The stuff is hands down the most popular gift I send. Good for any occasion. Ignore the low end website, it is in no way reflective of the high product quality.
Anonymous
Dibruno bros cheese in philly does really great gifts
DLC
Graeter’s ice cream delivers.
Jules
So does Jeni’s Splendid ice creams. Expensive, but so so good.
https://shop.jenis.com/
Anon
Graeter’s ice cream is sold at the grocery store? It’s weird to me to mail something that someone can buy at their local store, it seems really wasteful in terms of both money and the environment.
DLC
Graeter’s isn’t available where I am, which is why my friends from the Cincy area are so excited when they get it in the mail. There is also something really fun and decadent about getting ice cream in the mail. But, yes, if it were available in one’s grocery store I can see it not being something one would appreciate.
Anonymous
Baskits, a Canadian company that ships to Canada and the US, has some incredible offerings.
Anon Lawyer
Two PNW suggestions – Cougar Cheese from Washington State University and Olympia Provisions sausages/charcuterie from Portland.
anon
Need recommendations for hand cream. Ideally something that absorbs quickly and is minimally greasy so I can apply it at my desk and carry on with work.
Anonome
Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Hand Cream is my HG “typing while wearing lotion” product. Dries down fast, fresh but light scent, doesn’t pill up.
AnonMidwest
Just applied Eucerin hand cream for maybe the 2nd time today and will throughout the day. Love it.
Miss
Yep, I love Eucerin hand cream. It’s more effective and less greasy than my expensive creams.
Junior Associate
+1
cat socks
I use Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Fast Absorbing Hand Cream.
Vicky Austin
I’m putting some of the Norwegian on as I speak!
T
I want to love this but it’s not friendly to those of us who are scent-sensitive :(
anon lotion
Neutrogena comes in unscented.
Anon
I like Lubriderm (original) better than anything else.
Z
Dove Dermaseries Fragrance Free Hand Cream. I’ve had good luck with it.
Is it Friday yet?
I like L’occitane’s shea butter hand cream. Reminds me I need a new tube…
anon
This is what I use as well.
Anonymous
+1 this is the best
JTM
+1 hands down my fave hand cream.
Anonymous
I like the Aveda Hand Relief. But, surprisingly, I’m finding plain old Cetaphil to work the best these days. I apply it every time I wash my hands, and it is working a lot better than the thicker, more expensive hand creams I typically use.
Never too many shoes...
Aveda Hand Relief.
Anonymous
L’occitane (bonus there is a big size plus little travel sizes) or Chemistry Brand’s Hand Chemistry (this is a subsidiary of Deciem)
Nonny
Two options, both of which I have at my desk right now:
Body Shop Hemp Hand Protector: I originally bought this when I travelled to Ottawa in February many years ago and my hands started cracking within 24 hours. It is amazing. Since then, I’ve never been without it.
The Chemistry Brand Hand Chemistry: This brand is actually The Ordinary, under another name. It’s another really good one. There have been times when I haven’t been able to find the Body Shop product, and this fills in nicely.
Nonny
ETA: I see Anonymous at 11:45, right above me, already recommended Hand Chemistry. So my comment is a hearty +1.
BB
I got this off a recommendation on here: Caudalie hand and nail cream. Absorbs perfectly and has a very light subtle smell.
lsw
Kiehl’s hand salve.
Anon
How much has women’s business fashion evolved over the past 2 decades? What has changed and what has not?
Monday
Professional dress for everyone has become much less formal over the past several decades. (Very conservative environments have changed less, and many readers on this blog are employed in those industries and still have to wear suits, hose etc.) I’ve read that business formal attire tends to have very low value on the secondhand clothing market because there is so much less demand for it now.
Yep
Re: second hand clothing, this is true. I buy St. John jackets for pennies on the dollar on Poshmark. It’s amazing (for me).
Anon
I’m curious, what industries still require hose? I don’t know anyone who wears them in biglaw or for federal court appearances.
Anon
I recently worked at a small consulting firm in DC that still required hose. It was just part of their image – VERY formal. All men in full suits ever day. Women wore suits (skirt or pant) or dress and blazer combos. Dress pants, a nice sweater with a scarf and heels was daringly informal – you could get away with it over the Christmas non-break, or perhaps the afternoon before Thanksgiving.
Anon
That sounds awful
Anon
Strangely enough, it was an awesome job. Exposure to very high level people, collegial atmosphere, smart co-workers, firm was very generous in a lot of ways. If you could look past the stockings and ties it was really fun.
Anonymous
I wear them for oral argument in my state Supreme Court. It is not required though.
Coach Laura
Some banks and Wall Street firms still require hose. Some require pants that can be pressed for a crease (e.g. not ponte pants).
Anon
Monday is right.
There are also some subtle differences: twenty years ago, it seemed like everyone wore blouses with buttons (avoiding mod) underneath their suits. Now, shells and t-shirts seem much more popular.
Footwear has changed. Maybe it was because I was a student, but it seemed like a basic black or navy heel, matching the suit, was the gold standard for business formal footwear. Now, there are ankle straps, flats are much more common, wedges are not just for espadrilles, etc.
Suits have fewer buttons. I have/had a really lovely suit from circa 2004 with three buttons, which looks amazing, and now it seems like one button or open-front is the norm.
Anonymous
oh dear. Yesterday and today we’re getting an uptick of “women’s business fashion” posts. “Can I wear it to a wedding,” “What is appropriate for an interview,” etc. This was the hallmark of the poster who hasn’t been around for a while, with an unusual interest in women’s business clothing.
Anonymous
This is a women’s business fashion blog. Its not a strange topic for posts.
Monday
Yeah, I actually thought of that right after I posted the first reply. We’re in a bind, though! This topic is central to content on this site, so it’s no surprise that people would want to talk about it? And none of the words involved tr!gger moderation.
If this is a gross troll, they’ve really come to the right place I’m afraid.
Anon
Ugh god you’re right. This man needs to get a life.
Cat
That’s the first thing I thought, too.
Anon
Detective Anonymous, the forensic comment scientist, on the case again!
anon
I never thought I’d see the day when skinny ankle pants would be OK in an office environment, but we’re still going strong on that one, it seems.
Maybe it’s the work environments I’ve been in, but I don’t feel like the standards have changed *that* much since my first professional job in 2002. Technically my workplace is business casual for all but the senior execs, who dress business formal. However, my environments have always been on the dressier end of business casual. We may be outliers, though. What really bugs me is that it’s become really difficult in my mid-sized city to actually see and buy that type of clothing in the store. WHBM and 2 department stores are all that’s left for women’s workwear. We used to have Loft, BR, Limited, and New York & Co as options. (I wore so much NY&Co from 2002-2006!) Online ordering is fine, but frankly it can be a pain and sometimes I just need to see stuff in person. That’s the biggest change.
anne-on
Agreed. It is getting increasingly hard to find this stuff in person. Our two local Ann Taylors closed, and the Banana barely has any of this stuff in store (though it is handy to have one for in person returns). I always try to build in some time when I’m in major cities (especially London!) to try on brands in person for fit. I love Reiss/Hobbs/the Fold/some Boden/Boss/Theory but those only seem to be available online or Chicago/Boston/NY/etc.
Nonny
Agreeing with all that has been said above re decline in quality. It is maddening. I tend to buy a lot of workwear from London, which sounds a bit OTT but I can find better quality pieces there for a semi-decent price, and know they will last – for instance, Hobbs is a go-to brand for me. Once you know your size with them, I find them to be pretty consistent.
For blazers, has anyone tried Citizen’s Mark? I have been looking at them online recently but don’t know anyone who has actually tried them. (Apologies if this has already been discussed recently – I’ve been off this site for years so am a bit out of the loop.)
Anon
What has not: particularly as you get more formal, men still have many more options in terms of details. At Nordstrom’s, men’s suits is a huge area with a variety of shades of each color, different fabrics and textures, etc. The women’s suits area will have a black suit, a blue suit, and a gray suit, and that’s it. Many mall retailers (looking at you Banana Republic) often don’t stock suits in-store anymore and only has them online. It’s a similar deal for shirts. Men’s shirts come in a variety of textures and subtle patterns; women’s shirts by and large have one texture and patterns tend to be either very basic (stripes) or really loud.
I think the decline in business formal/business casual has been very negative for brands like The Limited, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, White House Black Market, even some department stores like Nordstrom. Most of these players have shifted in a more casual direction as a result. This left a gap in the workwear market that newer companies like MM La Fleur and Of Mercer have exploited. Uniqlo, also, has thrived.
I’m a little bummed Betabrand hasn’t become more mainstream. I love the idea of functional work clothing.
Anonymous
I still have suits. I wear the pants with sweaters and blouses and the jackets on some suits with dresses. And sometimes I wear them as a suit, but with a simple fitted white tee.
Watching Carrie on Homeland and Elizabeth Jennings on The Americans reminded me that I like looking like a grownup. And part of that to me is wearing non-gym attire to work (I still like having the option and use it from time to time, just not every day).
Manhattanite
When I first started working in a law firm 15 years ago (as a patent agent and in Boston), business casual was basically dressing like you were wearing a suit, but had taken off the jacket. I was able to buy wool suit pants from from Loft that were 95% wool and lined. Natural fabrics — wool, silk, cotton — were much more widely available. When I graduated from law school 10 years ago, I couldn’t find wool suits at Loft, but could still buy 95% wool suits with lined slacks at BR. The prices for suits at BR have pretty much stayed the same over the past decade, but the fabrics are much lower quality. We are “expected” to have much larger wardrobes today than 20 years ago. It’s all part of the incredible amount of consumer spending that is needed? expected? to keep the economy afloat. And is flat out destroying the planet.
Anon
+1 to all of this.
Also, 5-10 years ago I regularly shopped thrift stores and found high quality sweaters, silk shirts, work pants that were a few years old from places like BR and Ann Taylor. Now, thrifting for workwear has become all but impossible because everything is fast fashion that is falling apart. I found a Theory suit last year, but it’s been my only workwear thrift purchase in years.
Monday
I’d actually say thrifting for anything is tough now. I buy a lot of second-hand online, but in person thrift stores tend to be full of fast fashion that is pilled, stretched out etc. because it’s so poorly made. The only consignment stores I usually go into are ones that call themselves “upscale.”
Anon
I agree, Monday. It makes me sad because thrifting was such a big part of my shopping. I don’t do a lot of used online because I really need to try things on.
(Anon @ 9:59 here)
Anonymous
I found an Akris suit on eBay. Yay for me! Still easy to get DVF dresses, which I’m grateful for.
MMO
I’ve never tried a DVF dress, but I routinely see them on Poshmark, etc. Are they fabulous for a pear shape?
Anonymous
DVF wrap dresses: not for pears. Decidedly not. I will be putting 2 on poshmark as soon as I can get over what I paid for them at retail. Sob!
DVF Achelle style and sometimes some non-wraps: absolutely 100% for what I would call a “trim pear”. DVF in general is for thin ladies, but generally for ones with bosoms (decidedly not me; just loaded with a former sprinter’s thighs and glutes). If you know your style name and DVF size, ebay can be great; otherwise, it is an expensive way to try on clothes.
Anonymous
The decline in quality is saddening and frustrating to me. When I started out in the workplace 20+ years ago, you could still find wool, high-quality wool blend, or other natural-fiber separates with well-installed linings, finished inside seams, great construction, etc. pretty easily. They were not always cheap but they were not uncommon. The successful, powerful women I encountered in the workplace wore those kinds of clothes and were able to wear the same pieces for years. Now, I can’t even find that type of thing at Saks Fifth Avenue unless I’m willing to pay over $500 for a jacket. Brands that used to maintain impressive quality standards have cheaped out because they can get away with it, and a lot of the brands I really loved (Ellen Tracy, Dana Buchman, Jones New York, etc.) have gone away. As we get farther and farther away from people knowing what nice, quality, well-constructed clothes look and feel like, those things won’t come back. People just don’t have a concept any more of what a truly great garment looks like and feels like. I shop a lot of resale because I can still find older things that still work. I agree, though, that quality older clothes are getting harder and harder to find due to the rise of “fast fashion” and it’s a shame. I think a lot of things don’t even make it to thrift because they fall apart so fast, and end up in a landfill.
Monday
You might like Elizabeth Cline’s books, if you haven’t already checked her out.
Formerly Lilly
Seconded. I am an Old and I remember when you could buy clothing at the mall in normal stores that was made of natural fiber and the material had some substance to it. I was at a conference recently, bored at times and people watching. So many women wearing unflattering business casual clothing, including me, and I finally decided that the tissue thinness and the fiber composition of the fabrics meant that clothing did not drape well. It clings and bunches. The only item of business wear that I’ve bought in the past several years that I was satisfied with the material and the construction was a 100% wool Mac Mara dress. It was a splurge for me, but I’m about to decide that I would rather have only 5 very nice outfits for work per season and repeat endlessly than wear the crummy thin, polyester blend stuff from the same old brands. I used to be a proponent of the EF crepe pants on here, but even they are now made with notably less substantial fabric. Rant over. This is one of my pet peeves.
Anon
I hate it too. You used to be able to buy really nice stuff for not-unreasonable prices, which meant that a careful, thoughtful shopper could amass a classic capsule wardrobe. Wool skirts, wool pants, silk tops, silk-cotton sweaters – that was basically my work wardrobe when I was starting out, and I probably spent $500 a year at most on clothes.
Now… unless I’m springing big money for clothing, I can’t find that quality.
Manhattanite
Yes! That’s exactly what I was buying in 2005 time frame. Throw in some merino wool sweaters, too. And the pants were lined. I know some people don’t like the lining because it’s usually synthetic, but it just drapes better. Ann Taylor was aspirational for me in those days. Now I struggle to find something worth buying there. I’d move on to better brands, but I’m a small-framed petite and am mostly sized out.
Anon
Refinery29 is that you?
Anon
This is a h3ll of a lot more likely for this post than that single-issue tr 0 ll who was here for a while.
PolyD
Whatever it is, I’m really enjoying the conversation.
Never too many shoes...
Me too.
RIP Jones New York – they made really nice, substantial suits and wool trousers with lining.
Anonymous
I thought you all would get a kick out of my immature giggle of the day. Opposing counsel sent me proposed “pubic” versions of documents previously filed under seal. Teehee. I swear I’m an adult….
PolyD
That’s something I learned to check, working in a pubic health, I mean public health field. Also have to watch out for clinical trails.
Anonymous
Same in pubLic policy.
Anon
Yup, at my public policy school, they repeatedly told us to do a search for the word pubic on all of our resumes and cover letters.
Anonymous
Hah. It took me a few reads to catch that.
NYNY
Once had a senior leader reply all on a meeting invite asking for a “head count,” but he forgot the “o.” The second-highest title on the invite was a woman, who replied all “I guess that’d be me?”
I still giggle about that one.
Anon
That’s a hilarious response!
Anonymous
I am laughing so hard at this. That’s awesome.
Little Red
OMG!!! That’s so awesome. I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying.
Anon
When I was a lit associate, I worked on a case where everything was filed under seal and we always had to file and refer to public versions. I always did a Ctrl F for pubic.
Ellen
When I lived in DC, my ex did not have a cell phone, and he always made a big joke out of the fact that he had to go out to a “pubic phone”whenever he wanted to call me, which was NOT hygenic b/c of what the other people did with that phone. I told him he was silly, and that if he went out and gotten a cell phone, he would not have to worry about other people’s germs. Eventually, the iPhone came out, and he got one, but he still made reference to that stupid expression whenever he called me. He was GROSS! I cannot believe I had $ex so many times with that schmoe! FOOEY!
Anon
I have a gift card to Athleta and would like to get a pair of leggings/tights for an upcoming trip to Europe. Musts include a cell phone pocket and a true black (I’d like to wear them under a dress for an evening out without it screaming “workout.”) I’m a size 10-12. Recs on specific styles? The Inclination moto tight looks promising but I would love any input.
ollie
The Salutation Stash Pocket is available in black right now. I have them in a brighter color for working out, but the cell phone pocket is the perfect size so it may be what you’re looking for.
leggings anon
these are amazing leggings. i have been wearing them to travel frequently and they’re super comfy. pocket fits a cell phone or even something larger.
Anon
Any pair of workout leggings, which is what you’re going to get from Athleta, is going to scream workout no matter what you wear over them.
Anon
I should finish my thought: It’s the seams and the fabric. They’re just inherently workout clothes.
Trixie
buy some black tights–take up no room, more polished than leggings, and cover your feet!
Anon
I don’t think leggings look right under a dress. If you need something warmer than tights, go for fleece tights.
Anon
Headed to Prague, Vienna, Bratislava and Budapest in mid November. What are your must do’s?
Additionally, how safe did you feel in each city?
Ribena
Vienna – I generally feel pretty safe. The subway was designed to feel safe for women, interestingly.
Must do – go to Heindl’s for Kaiserschmarrn.
Anon
Felt very safe in Prague during the day 10 years ago, but a little worried about pickpockets at night. Haven’t been to the others, but also going to Vienna in November and all I ever hear is how safe it is.
Anon
Prague- walk walk walk.. it is hilly but so pretty
Vienna – Mozart balls are overrated, pastries are great. Museums too
Bratislava – A day or 2 is plenty. The sheep cheese there is amazing
Budapest- My favorite city of this list. Thermal baths, and do the running between the bathhouse and open air thing. Crazy, but fun! The oldest cafe’ here Café Gerbeaud is nice and the service is shockingly nice. Skin-on white wine is like nothing you’ve tasted before. A nerd pilgrimage if you’d like is the Alfred Renyi Institute (Paul Erdos worked there, mathematicians claim Erdos numbers)
The “Shoes on Danube” memorial is a chillingly powerful reminder of the horrors that the city, and the other cities you are visiting saw
anon
My family is from Budapest (Jewish, left right before it WWII). My great uncle was taken to Café Gerbeaud as a child for birthday treats, etc. Forty years later (in the late 1970s) he was finally able to go back to visit. First stop: Café Gerbeaud, which he said was just as good as he remembered it.
Anon
For Budapest: the parliament building, Hero’s square, Terror Haza, Urania movie theatre. Budapest has amazing cafes. If you want to go for the traditional, Cafe Gerbaud and Cafe Central have both been operating since the 19th century. I loved Szimpla Kert for a drink but it’s probably even more touristy now than when I was there 10 years ago. If you do nothing else, go to one of the Turkish baths. Some are co-ed (bring a bathing suit) and some have women only days/hours.
Vienna: GO TO ALL THE CHRISTMAS MARKETS! Eat, drink, be merry, buy Christmas ornaments (if you celebrate Christmas). Also there is some great art in Vienna but honestly I was too busy chugging mulled wine.
Bratislava: Walk around the city centre and notice how many old inscriptions are in German, Slovak, and Hungarian from when this was one of the crossroads of the Hapsburg empire. Eat brinzove halushky (noodle/dumplings with local cheese) and drink zlaty bhazant beer (the local lager). The children’s museum is cute if you like that kind of thing. You can take a boat from Bratislava to/from Vienna on the Danube, which I didn’t do but I think it would be a fun way to travel between cities.
Prague: town clock, Charles Bridge and Hradcany are all worth it and the tourist crowds should be slightly less mental in Nov. There are some cool live jazz clubs if you like that. Jewish quarter. Brew pubs.
Also, eat all of the goulash and schnitzel in all of these places.
Anon
Oh also, I felt safe in all these places but watched my wallet in touristy areas of Prague and Budapest and I had travel companions to go out at night with.
NOLA
Vienna – Christmas Market (if it’s open), the Museum Quarter (although the old art museum is pretty cool, too, with the Klimts on the stairs), Naschmarkt, Stephansdom, Karlskirche, the Beethoven apartment is right near the old Rathaus (where the Christmas market is), Cafe Landtmann for a drink and a piece of cake (also right near the old Rathaus). If you can, definitely go the opera. It’ll be in full swing then and it’s a lot of fun.
Anonymous
Did Prague last winter – I walked around the touristy areas quite late and felt safe. Just watch for pickpockets.
Senior Attorney
Budapest: Make sure you visit a ruin bar. So cool! Also make sure you eat some langos — kind of like pizza but the whole thing is deep fried! If the budget allows it, we stayed at the Aria Hotel and it was amazing. We did two private tours (a food tour and a regular city tour) with Melinda K from tours by locals dot com and she was just amazing and we learned so much and saw things we would otherwise have missed. Highly recommend. Also make sure you do a boat ride up and down the river at night. It’s just amazing.
Anon
I have lived in Prague, Budapest and Vienna (cannot comment on Bratislava). In Budapest, definitely make time to go to the baths. If cleanliness is your jam, Veli Bej is small and brand new. If you want old and authentic, Kiraly. Somewhere in the middle with a rooftop jacuzzi? Rudas – go at night so you can see the bridges lit up. Budapest is beautiful in the evening, the view from Fisherman’s Bastion is nice. Stroll the promenade, see the bridges. I think the best coffee is at My Little Melbourne. In Prague, try staying in Vinohrady if you want more of a realistic feel, or in Mala Strana around the Pohorelec stop (just past the castle, convenient on tram 22 to get basically everywhere). Artists and politicians tend to hobnob at Kavarna Mlynska on Kampa Island. Try Cafe Savoy for brunch and Maly Buddha for dinner (walk down from Pohorelec). Great jazz at Ungelt, jazzdock. See what’s on at the National Theater. In Vienna, see the christmas markets, drink white wine (recommend the Palmen Haus) check out the amazing art museums – don’t miss the notable Klimt collection at the Belvedere. The Opera in Vienna is simply stunning. I like Kleine’s cafe for coffee or a beer and highly recommend the Austrian restaurant Salzamt.
Los Angeles
Calling LA area experts: between Big Bear Lake, Palm Springs, and Joshua Tree what would be top of your list and how many days/nights would you spend there? Hoping to go after Christmas for two, maybe three days and wondering what kind of itinerary makes the most else, and whether better to stay in one place the whole time or hop around. Welcome all recommendations!
Anon
Last spring we stayed in Palm Desert (just south of Palm Springs) and did Joshua Tree. We drove through the entire park in one day, including making several stops throughout the park, and still had time for happy hour and dinner afterward. You could easily do Palm Springs and Joshua Tree in one trip.The actual town of Joshua Tree is teeny tiny. There are things to do there, but not likely more than a day’s worth.
Senior Attorney
+1
Unless you are big campers and hikers, Joshua Tree is a drive-through. (Don’t forget to play the U2 album of the same name while you’re doing it.)
Anon @ 11:23
Check out Big Wheels Tours while you are there. I set up a jeep tour of Coachella Valley and San Andreas Faults for my husband because he is very into stuff like that, and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip. Our tour guide was fascinating and we learned so much about the history, geography and geology of the area and saw so many beautiful things. It was under $300 for a customized 4-hour tour and it was just the two of us with our tour guide.
Anon
I go to Palm Springs every year, stay in one hotel where I can pool-side lounge to my heart’s content, and also rent a car so I can drive around the desert.
The Beagle has Landed
Big Bear Lake, definitely, if you want a cozy romantic getaway in the woods (we go at least 1-2 times a year and rent a cabin) but if you like Mid-Century Modern architecture and some night life, Palm Springs is it. Not Joshua Tree, as someone mentioned, it’s a drive-through.
The Beagle has Landed
Edited to add – at Christmas in Big Bear, there will be snow. Palm Springs/Joshua Tree area, no snow, except if you take the Aerial Tramway in Palm Springs up to the top of Mount San Jacinto.
Anonymous
I think I need to up my courtroom attire game. I’m a litigator working primarily in very formal courts (often federal or appellate courts). I usually wear a matching dark colored suit with a white/cream blouse; men wear dark suits and a white shirt (only white – colors are not acceptable). I’ve noticed that most very senior women don’t wear matching suits, or if it’s a matching suit, it’s in an interesting fabric. Now that I’ve been in practice for 10 years, I feel like I have enough gravitas to move away from the more junior-feeling suits, but I’m not sure what to look for or where to shop. Tips for finding court-appropriate attire that feels fresh?
Anonymous
Banana Republic is my go-to for suits. Check out BR factory. Both options have wool options where the fabrics vary a little every month or so and sometimes they have jewel tones or plaids.
The Good Wife
Are you channeling Diana from the Good Fight?
The Good Wife
Are you channeling Diana from the Good Fight?
Anonymous
Theory, max mara, st. john, Akris…
Anonymous
To me this is what St. John is all about – nice suits in interesting fabrics. Conservative but not boring. Someone above mentioned that you can find a lot of St. John on Poshmark for not much because of the general societal move away from suits and more-formal workwear. You could try a couple of pieces from Poshmark and see how you like them/how they work for you before making a heavier investment.
Anon
The heavy-hitter older woman litigators I know tend to St. John, Akris, etc. Check the Real Real if new prices are out of reach (as they are for me). I would not do Banana Republic, J. Crew etc for anything other than the occasional accent piece, as I think lower quality shows through a lot more in non-standard fabrics, cuts and textures (you can get away with a plain navy wool blend suit from wherever but the interesting tweedy fabrics etc look cheesy very easily).
Anon
Ann Taylor and J Crew also have suits that fit this bill.
Miss
I get a lot of my dress and jackets from Talbots. I work exclusively in federal court and while I’ve always worn a suit to the court of appeals, I frequently wear dresses and jackets to district court.
Anonymous
Lafayette 148 deserves a mention here.
Anonymous
I feel like they fit women who are . . . stout. Yes? No? The only ones I know who wear it are of a certain age and describe themselves as “old battle axes.”
Anonymous
The brand does fit the stout, and particularly the well-endowed, but it also comes in smaller sizes. Perhaps more of the “battle ax” women wear it because of the price point, which Is likely more attainable for the mature among us. This likely describes many of the women the OP seems to be trying to emulate, though she is presumably younger at year 10 of her career.
midtown anon
is this why i love Lafayette 148? their items work well for the muscular apple with 36Ds
C
+1
Annie
Also worth checking out Hugo Boss.
Skipper
Who’s dressing for Halloween tomorrow? And what are you wearing?
anon
T-shirt with a dog in a witch hat + pumpkins etc. The dog looks like mine, of couse :)
anon
Our office gets trick’r’treaters from the preschool next door. I love seeing their costumes!
KW
Aw that is so cute! I bet their excitement is contagious.
Anonymous
S*xy cowgirl. I ordered it as just a cowgirl costume (per the description), but it came as the s*xy variant.
Dudes don’t have to deal with this (do they?). If they order construction worker, it’s not going to look all Village People or like they could be a male stripper.
anon
Agreed. Men have other purposes in life than finding a spouse.
Anonymous
I have a spouse — maybe I need a backup, like for shoes?
potato
You need a wife (cf. Ms Magazine).
Anonymous
Husband and I work at the same office so we’re going as Riker and Troi from Star Trek TNG.
Vicky Austin
I also share an office with my husband! He’s a Halloween grinch, but his normal work clothes are suspiciously Ben Wyatt-esque so I’m putting on a pantsuit and showing up as Leslie Knope.
Ms B
I heart the TNG costumes!
Ses
I ship it :D
NOLA
I have a t-shirt with a black cat holding a bloody knife, so I’ll probably wear that with jeans and a black jacket and my skeleton earrings. If I can find it, I’ll wear my red sparkly witch hat. I’m fairly certain that I know where my other witch hat is, but it’s black with light orange tulle and I don’t think it’ll go with my outfit as well. I have Halloween pencils, stickers, erasers, and candy for the students (yes, college students love that stuff) and I’ll take a bucket of candy for my class.
Anon
Got late notice of an office Halloween party and costume contest so I’ll be rocking a DIY RBG costume.
Anonymous
I’m dressing up as a Jeopardy contestant…. because I’m going to be on Jeopardy tomorrow night!!! :)
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!! Good luck!!!
Nonny
Wow, that’s amazing! Good luck!
Anonymous
Oooo! Nice!
Ellen
You must be so smart! Dad was once selected to be on Jepordy years ago, but he was stationed overseas, and was not able to come back to the US to participate. I think that b/c he was MENSA eligible, that they wanted him and he did well on the test they gave him. I think Mom would have liked for him to come home for the show, b/c he was gone for months and she knows that he was with other women for $ex overseas b/f they were married. Dad does not talk much about that any more b/c Mom is still sensitive to that.
Is it Friday yet?
Fleabag. I have the jumpsuit from S2E1, some red lipstick, and some fake blood. This is not for work, though, haha.
The Beagle has Landed
Black cat – all black top and pants, cat ears, semi-permanent almost-black hair dye because it’s fall so why not change it up for a few weeks anyway. Cat-eye make-up. Black or ocelot-patterned shoes.
emeralds
Another travel question: I’ll be in Florence for work in November, and have a free weekend. I’ve done the touristy highlights, so I’m thinking about doing a day trip out to a Tuscan hill town. Any favorites? I’m looking for someplace atmospheric to stroll, eat a good lunch, and have some dolce far niente time. I’ve been to Siena so not there, but otherwise my only requirement is that it needs to be accessible by bus or train.
I’ll also accept any recs for dinner in Florence!
Anon
Lucca
The Good Wife
second this. It’s beautiful, walkable and the food is very good.
emeralds
Ahh, what a great idea! One of my high school Italian professors was from Lucca and always raved about it…I should totally go.
anon
Pisa is about the same distance as Siena (although I would just go back to Siena, it was so beautiful), so you could take a train there.
Anonymous
Dinner in Florence: Il Latini
Get there early to stand in line at the 7:30 dinner. You’ll be seated at a table with strangers, as will everyone else. It’s lovely – I ate at a 4-top with an Italian gentleman in his 80s (they knew his order, he was given no bill) and an American couple from San Francisco whose sister lives in the same small Hawaii town as my aunt. Their website will explain the process. Great food, fun experience, especially for this single traveler who tires of eating alone.
Nesprin
Why not rent a car and drive thru Chianti? there’s an old monastery in there, and amazing vineyards and beautiful countryside.
Anonymous
Volterra or San Gimignano
Budgeting
Parents: what does your budget with kids look like, for childcare, school fees, extra food and space for the family? I do realize this varies greatly across cities and regions.
Anonymous
Hahaha — take your wallet and light it on fire. In my MCOL city with thrifty parent friends, daycare for 2 > mortgage. High initial buy-in for kid #1, additional kids aren’t full multiples of that expense, especially if you can have two of the same gender relatively close in time (share bedroom, handmedowns). Pray they go to trade schools, etc., not fancy private college where they major in comparative literature or art history and aren’t able to ever move out.
Anon
DH (French) and I were contemplating moving to Paris for this reason. Although, it would probably derail my career (transactional biglaw attorney) and slash our take-home HHI by half, and I speak only conversational French (further limiting job options), and considering the old old tiny apartments that you now have to pay a fortune for, so probably not.
Francophile
Also married to a Frenchman, lived in a suburb of Paris for 8 years and had both my kids there (now in NYC), and if you are currently living in a HCOL area of the US and crunch the numbers carefully, that can be a really good idea. The actual cost of daycare or a nanny varies by town – if you get a crèche spot, the cost is an income-based sliding scale, which has a ceiling in some towns but not others, so local intel is super valuable, but either way it is way cheaper than here and iirc the tax breaks are better.
The fact that you get a lot more vacation time is also HUGE with kids. We have really struggled with going from 5 weeks to 2 weeks (makes visiting the in-laws in France very difficult), and if you can get an in-house job at a company governed by a generous national bargaining agreement – banking and pharmaceuticals spring to mind here – you can wind up with more like 6-10 weeks.
Anonymous
Day care for one infant in my MCOL city > mortgage on a 4-bedroom, 2000-sf house.
Anon
Same.
Anon
My town (next to a small city) is $170-$180 a week for infant daycare. Nannies run $10-$18 an hour if you go that route.
Seafinch
Probably not super rrelevant as a Canadian but we live in Ottawa with four kids under age eight. We spent 36k on childcare for the oldest three last year. (Au Pair who makes $14/hour). I should be able to shave off a couple of grand this year when I go back to work because I did my own search and am not paying an agency fee. I will spend about $4k on babysitting while I am mat leave because my husband is deployed for six months. I utilize 90% hand me downs from a friend and buy very little as clothes and we don’t buy toys so gifts are quite limited. We have reached the height of activities (which kills me as we have fallen victim to the creep) and are spending $3500 on extra-curricular this year. No school costs (or maybe a $40 activity fee per year). Our house need to accomodate the Au Pair and probably represents a 15% increase in price for that reason. If I had to guess I would say our food budget is about 40% higher than what it would be for just my husband and I when you add the kids and the Au Pair. Maybe in the ballpark of: I would feed the two of us for $125 a week but instead spend closer to $175?
Seafinch
In comparison to the below comment; I should add that I have cloth diapered all four kids for about $500 (maybe spend $100 a year on disposables and wipes until their second birthday when they are trained) and spend maybe $1000 a year on clothes and toys etc and private, supplemental health insurance for the kids is I think, $25 a month but my husband pays it so I don’t really know. (I do have life, critical illness and investment account for all of them but that is obviously quite optional!)
Anon
Not a criticism, but why do you have life insurance on your kids?
Seafinch
Anon:it is extraordinarily cheap to buy at birth and provides guaranteed insurance for life in the event a childhood disease pops up. (It is a whole life policy). It is a very decently preforming savings vehicle, too. I bought my own at age 25 and it has performed as well as some of my husband’s actual investments and you can borrow the cash value any time, which is nifty and something I have done now twice to bankroll a project etc. It is just sent to yourself. I wouldn’t spend a fortune on it or use it as my exclusive investment strategy but it is really cheap (I think I pay $220 for all four kids per month for the life and critical illness, the latter of which has a full return of premium and a guaranteed payout at age 21).
Anon
I’m confused as to how life insurance is a savings vehicle. You pay premiums regularly but you don’t get any money until the insured person dies, right? So if your children are healthy and you predecease them (as expected and hoped for), how does this represent savings for you, their parents?
Anonymous
Anon at 3:04 pm, whole life is different than term life. Whole life does act as a savings account. I’m not an expert and would recommend a quick internet search on how it works.
Leatty
Kids are expensive. We don’t have a budget (I know, I know), but here are some rough guesses on our childcare expenses:
We have one toddler. For her daycare (MCOL), regular babysitting, and activities (swim + one daycare activity), we spend ~ $20k annually. If we have another child, there is no discount on daycare or activities (but there’d be no additional cost for babysitting).
The first year was the most expensive in terms of supplies because we needed tons of clothes (constantly growing), crib/dresser, baby food purees, LOTS of diapers/wipes, etc. No idea how much we spent, but I’m sure it was thousands of dollars. Not to mention the healthcare cost ($3k) and the income hit due to leave…
Other than daycare, etc., ongoing expenses for clothes, food, books, and toys still aren’t cheap – maybe $2-3k annually?
We didn’t have to make any changes to our housing situation when we had our daughter because we have enough space. However, we are zoned for some not so great schools, so we will likely move to a much more expensive place once she is in school. Then, when she starts school, we will need to pay for aftercare, which is $150-200/week.
Again, kids are expensive.
anon
+1 to Anonymous at 10:30. We live in MCOL southern coastal area. Gross HHI of around 170k. We spend an average of about 1000 per month for 1 child in full-time daycare and the other in after school care. Per my “kids” line item in YNAB, I spend an average of an additional $400-500/month on them between clothes, halloween costumes, activity fees, fundraisers, books, and randomness. That doesn’t account for the increased grocery budget and a lot of one off things I buy that end up in my other budget categories (monthly snack donation to my son’s class, party supplies for class halloween party, amazon movie rentals, friend birthday presents). I’m sure we could do it cheaper, but there it is. I was so excited for my oldest son to graduate from daycare, but I swear kids are more expensive after that. In a lot of ways, the daycare years are the least expensive and least complicated.
Anonymous
The day care years are definitely the least expensive and least complicated. Between after-school care, summer day camp, and extracurriculars, we spent more on child care/activities the year the kid started public kindergarten than we ever did for day care, even the first year of expensive infant care.
Vanessa
Yup. I am still in shock over how much we are still spending on child care & activities with 2 kids in public school. The coordination of care is definitely more complicated and costs are in line with what we were paying at our former private preschool/ daycare.
anne-on
+1 on the daycare years being the least expensive and complicated. Coordinating summer camps/school break camps and after school care nearly broke my brain and seriously stressed my job/marriage the first year we did it because somehow I just didn’t see it coming/anticipate how hard it would be. We have a workable system now (au pair, and sign up for the camps MONTHS in advance) but man that was a ROUGH transition.
H13
+1,000,000 camp/breaks/aftercare coordination is brutal. I hate it.
Anon
I’ve got a believe the whether children get less expensive as they get older depends on the cost of daycare in your city.I’m hoping to have a baby within the next year, so I’ve been researching daycare cost. Daycare for an infant is 2K plus in my city. If you don’t count housing cost, I don’t even spend near that much on myself a month . I’ve got to believe that elementary school children are not that expensive or the vast majority of people would not be able to afford it.
Anonymous
Elementary school kids are not expensive if you have a SAHM or grandma to watch them after school and all summer, and if you say no to all extracurriculars that cost money. If you need after-school care and summer day camp, kiss your $$$ goodbye.
Anon
Or year-round school. There’s a big difference between covering 6 weeks of summer break and 12 weeks of summer break.
RR
Elementary school kids are that expensive. We spend $2000/month on an after school nanny, plus another $500+/month on extracurriculars for our three kids in middle/elementary school. Just the fees, not all the clothing, shoes, equipment, etc. that goes with those extracurriculars. And my kids are mediocre athletes, not on club teams and competition teams.
Anon
The after-school nanny is a choice though, perhaps one necessitated by your jobs, but still a choice. Aftercare at school in my area is $200/month. Obviously most people aren’t spending $2k/month on nannies, a large percentage of people don’t even earn $2k/month after taxes.
Anon
But even by your own numbers, which include a nanny, you’re paying less than then you would for three in daycare in my city (6k+/month, really more like 7k+)
Anon
And, i’ll admit, that I’m perfectly OK not giving my kids an upper middle-class lifestyle because frankly I can’t afford it
RR
The less expensive aftercare program associated with the school is impossible to get into, which eliminates that choice, but yes we did choose the nanny vs. a daycare option that may have been less expensive because I didn’t want my then 10-year-olds to have to start as new kids in a daycare.
I am definitely paying less than daycare costs in some locations, but I was responding to the $2000/month referenced in the post I responded to.
We are definitely privileged to be able to afford the nanny, but it’s an expense that actually gives my kids less of the “upper middle-class lifestyle” feel. They run around outside and play in the woods. It’s odd to have to spend a fortune to give my kids the experience I had as a latchkey kid in the 80s, but such is life.
Anon
But the 2k figure was for one kid, not three
RR
Okay. Fair point, although a nanny is roughly the same cost either way. And, it’s not comparing like data to like data anyway. In my MCOL city, daycare for one child infant would not be $2000/month, it would be more like $1200ish. So, while aftercare for one child would likely be less than that if we went with a center rather than a nanny, the total cost per month with all the other expenses of middle schoolers would still be more. It’s fine that you want me to be wrong, and it’s fine that the math may not work the same in your city, but that’s my math, for my life, which was the topic at hand.
Anon
All of my money and then some? Or at least that’s what it feels like. We are frugal about clothes and toys, but the rest adds up very quickly. Food is maybe $75/week. Our house isn’t that much bigger than it otherwise would be, so maybe $75 k there.
But we paid $1400-2k/month per child for daycare (less as they got older). Now that they are in public school, it’s $250/kid for aftercare, but we end up paying for loads of extracurricular extras, both at school and out of school, probably another $400/month per kid. They take private music lessons, which is the biggest part of this cost, but many kids activities are way more money than I remember from my childhood. As they get older, things like hockey, competitive dance, travel soccer, gymnastics, etc can easily cost hundreds of dollars per month. Then summer camps – those are $250/week minimum in my area for decent ones, but we’ll probably do about half basic ones and half either special ones (sailing camp, art camp, etc) which are more like $350, or sleepaway camp, which is $600/week. Vacations are more expensive, both because we pay for plane tickets and because I’m not willing to take the cheapest itineraries possible when traveling with kids, so another $4k/year extra there. Adding kids to insurance is $300/month.
We could do some of this more cheaply, for sure, but we are far from extravagant and we still end up spending a ton.
CHL
I’m in Chicago area. Infant daycare ~$1800/month, toddler more like $1100 – 1500. Aftercare for school aged child like $400. Nannies $15 – 20/hour. A couple thousand on activities (swim, soccer) per year. Optional, but help save sanity. But they are so cute:)
H13
When we had two kids in daycare it was approximately $36k/year in childcare expenses alone. Now that we are down to one in daycare, we are at about $23k for daycare for one plus camps and activities for the other. I think we will see a reprieve on expenses when both are in public elementary and then expect a rise again as they get older and activities/camps increase. I can’t say exactly how much our monthly food budget is impacted, but I would guess we spend an additional $100-200/month on food for the kids between groceries and eating out. I don’t spend much on clothes and rely heavily on hand-me-downs, grandmothers shopping, and consignment. We also cloth diaper and probably invested approx $800 total between the two kids. HHI approx $175k in MCOL city with very high taxes.
Kids are very expensive. When I look at peers without children, I notice how much more flexibility they have in their spending, particularly with travel and dining out.
Anon
We don’t have a strict budget but the biggest expense is childcare for sure. We pay $1800/month for daycare for one toddler. For reference, very LCOL area and our mortgage for a 3,000 square foot house is $1300/month, so daycare costs are really eye-popping. (To be fair, there is significantly cheaper care available in our community, but we pay for this center because we believe it’s the best.) Unlike others, our expenses will go down a LOT once our kid hits school. Aftercare is $50/week and summer camps are $200-ish, so there’s no way we’re going to hit $22k on care for a kindergartner like we do with daycare.
Spending thousands per year on children’s activities for a kid in daycare is kind of unimaginable to me. It’s not really in our budget and it just seems like such a waste of money, especially for toddlers and preschoolers who are equally or more content running around the playground than in a structured ballet class. Our kid currently does zero activities outside of daycare and that’s our plan at least until she starts complaining about it.
We like to travel a lot though, and our kid has added several thousand to our annual travel costs. Kids can generally stay in hotels free but will need a plane ticket past age 2 (and we bought a ticket earlier than that, for both safety and comfort).
Diapers, wipes and food for our toddler has probably added $25-50/week to our grocery store spending, not a huge expense.
I would guess I spend $500/annually on clothes for my toddler – she’s growing like a weed and doesn’t stay in a size for more than 3-6 months. Hopefully at some point her growth will slow down and will be able to spend less on clothes.
We spent probably $2-3k furnishing the nursery and buying baby gear before she was born, but a lot of that stuff was optional. I buy her books occasionally, but I don’t think I’ve bought a toy since she was born due to generous friends and family.
RR
I don’t even keep track because it’s depressing. The first year of our twins lives, I calculated that they were a $45,000 to $50,000 hit to our finances, approximately half of which was daycare and half of which was formula/diapers/clothes/gear/etc.
Now that we have three kids in middle and elementary school, we pay approximately $2000/month for our after-school nanny, $500+/month in extracurricular fees, probably an average of $300/month for some needed clothes/shoes/outerwear/extracurricular accouterments purchases (some months may be none, some are $500), roughly $500/month more in food costs (kind of hard to track because food is more expensive generally).
During the summer, it’s worse because the nanny is full-time, at around $2000/week, plus the older kids do a couple weeks of sleepaway camp for around $3000 total.
Plus, all the costs you don’t think about–bigger house, bigger car, more travel costs, vastly more expensive birthdays and holidays, all the random school fees and school supplies and fundraisers, the additional costs of cell phones for middle schoolers.
Basically, all my money.
Burn Your Wallet
I’m in the SF Bay Area so I imagine ours is high even compared to other HCOL cities.
Light your wallet on fire is right.
For an infant and young toddler in full time day care (with food and diapers provided) it is going to be $4200 a month. This will decrease as the kids age and teacher ratios drop. So far, I am estimating about $1k a month (per kid) for after school care for K and $600 a month for 1st and beyond.
Our mortgage doubled in preparation for kids too. It was an early but intentionally timed move into a good school district while the market value on our old house peaked and the new house value was still relatively low. I’d say it saved us $200-$300k in the cost of the home than if we waited until now or later to make the move.
Food expenses so far are minimal and we don’t do any extracurricular classes except swim (about $200 per kid for 8 weeks of classes). I feel like the social interaction and activities at day care are more than enough right now.
I will admit that clothes are pricey because I don’t have the time/want to devote the time to buying second hand. I shop the Hanna Andersson 40% off sales twice a year (and often double up some codes to get 50% off) and buy 95% of clothes in those two sales. I like HA because they hold up beautifully and have good resale value (though I’ve only just now started to dabble in resale). Then I will fill in some holes with baby Gap but other than that I do not shop for their clothes throughout the year. I’ve probably spent $1k a year for the oldest so far. It sounds absurd, I’m sure it is, but it is quick and convenient for me to hit 1-2 stores twice a year.
We are also really minimal on toys we buy (I wish I could say the same for our family) but I do “invest” in good quality open ended toys (i.e. Grimms and such). The goal, of course, is to get years and years of play from these. So far it is working but TBD on how second kid takes to them.
So… good luck!
Anon
I really wouldn’t count on daycare costs to drop over time as kids age. Just as we aged out of the most expensive bracket, our daycare fees went up 20% which ate all the savings we were anticipating.
Anon
Yes, different Anon but our daycare raises tuition 10-20% each year, which cancels out most of the discount you get for your kids growing up. My experience was a tiny drop in fees when we went from 1:4 ratio to 1:5 and another tiny drop when we went to 1:7. The only significant drop was at age 3.5 when she started in the preschool (age 3-5, 20 kids) room and we went to the 1:10 ratio. But after that, fees go up again due to the tuition increases. We paid more for our 5 year old than for our 4 year old and more for our 4 year old than for our 3 year old (same classroom/ratio + annual fee increases).
Burn Your Wallet
Good point. Daycare has increased their rate each year due to cost of living etc increases.
We did see an almost $750 decrease with the transition from under 2 room to the 2 and over room though.
Anokha
In our VHCOL (Bay Area), preschool for my 3 year old is $2k+/month. With another on the way, we are easily going to spend $5k/month on childcare alone (no discount for a second kid). It stresses me out, but I repeat the mantra that this is just for a few years until they can get into public school (I hope!)
Anonymous
After reading all of the above, I’ve realized I have no idea what I spend on my 2 toddlers and have no clue on any of our household expenses.
Anon
Seattle: $2K a month on daycare for one, another $100/mo on activities (swimming, ballet). Mortgage is $2.8K. We spend about $1.3K more a month on everything else since kid was born. This is more frequent travel, cleaning service, supplies, food, eating out, activities. We could really pinch the budget and get rid of an extra $1K but I’ve found it really helps us stay sane. I hated it when we were barely making ends meet (paying down debt and husband was in mediocre earning job) and we were STRESSED and everyone just kept telling us to hire more help. Like no, we literally don’t have the money to do that. Life is much easier with a bit more extra money now.
Anon
“Wee spend about $1.3K more a month”…I misread this at first and thought you were saying you lived in Seattle on $1,300 a month (excluding mortgage and daycare) and I was very impressed/confused.
GovtMule
2 kids in daycare, MCOL Southern city – I have spent $37,327.21 so far this year on daycare, kids specific expenses, and babysitters. I YNAB, so I can pull up a report for those exact expenses. That doesn’t include incremental increases in groceries because I don’t tract that separately. Daycare is $2432 a month for both kids.
Not in that total is housing and utilities. We moved to a bigger house since we had kids. That added an additional $1600/month to our mortgage. Not sure about water, but our combined gas and electric bills went up an average of $30 a month after kids.
1 kid will go to elementary school next year and I am curious to see how it impacts our spending. I know that anecdotally everyone says that after school care and summer camps are just as expensive as daycare. However, I want to see the data!
As you can tell, I really enjoy tracking my spending. I think tracking what you spend is an important first step in getting control over your finances. Oddly enough I’m not really good about sticking to a strict budget. But when I look at my spending trends, I am better about curbing my spending on certain items when I see how they add up.
Anonymous
Somebody on the coffee break post yesterday said the boot looked a little dated and another poster asked for clarification why. I’m also not very good at trends and thought it looked good – can somebody more stylish/current than me explain why it looks dated?
Anon
As a whole, I don’t think the boots looked very dated. I think about it in the following way:
– Toe shape: current, trend on its way in. Pointy toe is definitely on its way back in.
– Color: current, trend on its way out. This color has been big for a couple of seasons now (particularly when paired with mostly black). I wouldn’t be surprised if a different color scheme is in by spring/next fall (maybe a lighter taupe?).
– Heel shape: trend on its way out. I’m so bummed about this because block heels are so comfortable, but I think shoe silhouettes are shifting back towards more narrow heels. I’m seeing many more boots (particularly ankle boots) with kitten or stiletto heels this year.
– Shaft height: slightly dated, trend probably on its way out (but slowly because this is a classic style). Ankle boots at this height have been in for a while now – I am starting to see them replaced by either lower cut ankle boots, sock boots/lace up boots (these are not the same but in my mind achieve the same thing – greater interest in the ankle area), and riding boots (I know these are not viewed as trendy on this site, but I’ve seen a sharp uptick in knee-high boots in stores, in-person, and on fashion bloggers. The slouchy boots that were posted here a week or two ago were not popular in the comments, but I’m seeing tons of fashion people wearing them. They go well with the midi/maxi-length skirts and dresses that are in this fall.)
I think those boots are actually a good transition piece, if you’re looking to have something slightly updated (pointy toe) but aren’t ready to commit to riding/slouchy boots or boots of any height with a narrow heel.
Anonymous
I’m not a fashion expert but can usually pick out things that look dated just by following a couple fashion bloggers on Instagram. You see the same trends for a couple seasons, then they disappear (e.g. tall boots, then ankle boots, now it’s between-ankle-and-mid-shin boots). So ankle boots like this look dated to me as I associate them with what bloggers (and friends/strangers who I think look put well put together) were wearing several years ago.
Anonome
I can’t claim to be very stylish, but I found the boot dated because of the elongated toe point. That “elvish” boot look sticks in my mind as very late 90s. The difference between that silhouette and a modern toe point is slight, but noticeable. (I’ve always been very critical of that style because the toe box extends way beyond the actual toe, and I have huge boat feet to begin with, so I get pissy every time it comes back into vogue.)
Anon
Yeah, it’s the elf look that I think looks dated and the slightly backward tilt on the heel too.
Anonymous
Agree. To me it was all about the toe. Something more almond, and I wouldn’t have even looked twice. But the toe combined with the heel shape (not a true square block but sort of angled) looked kind of early 90s to me.
Anonymous
I think this is one of those styles that looks dated to those of us who remember the 1990s and current to those who don’t.
Never too many shoes...
For something similar but a bit more what the posters are talking about, the Cole Haan Elyse might be a good substitute. The notch at the ankle is also very flattering.
Anon
Yes, the toe shape on that boot is very 90s.
Anon
I’m confused why we’re so against something that was popular 30 years ago. That’s not dated, that’s fashion making its way back, no?
Anonymous
I think all of this depends on how close to the front edge of trends you want to be, and how far off that front edge something needs to be before you consider it “dated.” There’s no right or wrong in that. To some people, something that’s not absolutely on trend right now is “dated.” To others, things that aren’t cutting edge are current, or modern, or mainstream, but not “dated.” They would call something dated if it’s obviously from 10-15 years ago.
So, where do you fall on that, how much do you care, and how much does anyone around you notice? To me, those boots are current. Not cutting edge, and not dated. Because my “dated” is “obviously something people were wearing when I was much younger.” I consider that super-elongated pointed toe to be really dated (because it’s from a couple of decades ago) or . . . fringe cutting edge trend. It could go either way.
Cat
Yeah, this… hard to parse right now because the current 90’s revival means “cutting edge” actually DOES look “dated” to me by this definition. Those boots look like something my mom would have worn in 1994…. but apparently that’s cool now??
Never too many shoes...
I did wear those boots in 1993 exactly. Sigh.
Anon
I need some book recommendations. I’d love a few can’t-put-down page-turners for some upcoming long flights and I’d also be interested in good historical fiction. I’m growing more interested in Revolutionary-era fiction and less in WWII (reaching saturation on that), but would welcome any recommendations.
Monday
The Story of Land and Sea by Katy Simpson Smith.
RR
Anything by Kate Morton. My favorite is The Secret Keeper. Really, really good women-centric mysteries with intelligent, logical twists that you still don’t fully see coming.
Anonymous
The nightingale is SO good. It is wwii though. Couldn’t put it down and cried reading it.
Anonymous
Also recommend The Great Alone by the same author. Not really historical fiction but couldn’t put it down and also cried while reading.
Saguaro
+1 The Great Alone was my favorite book last year, and I read a lot!
cat socks
For general page turners, I like all the books from Riley Sager. Verity from Colleen Hoover was also good. The Good Girl from Mary Kubica.
Anon
Thanks for the recs so far – some of these look great! One other thing I wanted to add is that I’m also looking to move away from books with a lot of jumping around in time (“A modern girl finds an old scarf. Chapter 2 is a woman in 1920s London wearing a scarf…”). I think it goes hand-in-hand with my WWII saturation, but I am over it!! On the other hand,I do like epic novels spanning long periods of time, but more so when the time is moving consistently forward and we’re not jumping between different characters’ perspectives constantly. I have liked Ken Follett in the past for this genre, although some of his sex scenes are the literal worst.
Z
I soooo feel you on the time jumping. I just finished The Alice Network (which I don’t recommend, really did not like it) jumped back and forth between 1947 and WW1 every chapter. Definitely over it.
Anon
Haha, that book was definitely the one that pushed me over the edge. Didn’t like it either.
Ribena
I just read The Thorn Birds and it gripped me. Maybe don’t read it if you found the Fleabag Hot Priest to be disagreeable, though…
anon
Longbourn by Jo Baker is good.
Senior Attorney
This is WWII era, but I loved The Jewel in the Crown and the other three books about Indian independence by Paul Scott.
Anon
Pout Pout Fish and the Llama Llama series are my current go-tos. Hooray for Fish presented some complex character development, too.
(also when do I get to read a book for myself again?!?! your collective recs sound lovely!)
Panda Bear
Oh goodness this made me laugh. Hmm, what historical period could Pout Pout Fish be about…oh..wait.
Anon
Rosamunde Pilcher has several absorbing epics of this variety.
Anon
Good flight reading/historical fiction: A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole. I think it’s part of a series, but that’s the only one I’ve read.
anon
The first one – An Extraordinary Union – is one of my favorite historical romances ever. A formerly enslaved woman with a photographic memory has to go undercover to steal the plans for a Confederate ironclad. Her partner/handler is an undercover Pinkerton detective. Inspired by the true story of Mary Trouvestre, and super good.
DLC
If you can find them, Margaret Lawrence wrote a really engrossing trilogy of mysteries featuring Hannah Trevor, young widow with an illegitimate daughter who is a midwife in post-Revolutionary Maine. The first book is called Blood Red Roses. The writing is can be a little dense, but it is absorbing and beautiful. I think they are out of print, though,so might be hard to find in e-book format.
Anon
Thanks everyone!!
Anon
has anyone tried the old navy mid-rise pull on straight pants? they look kind of like those uniqlo ones everyone on here talks about, but the uniqlo ones did not work for me
Ariadne
Replying late, in case you are checking back. I ordered these pants, and found them extremely comfy, but a bit baggy — I ordered my regular size 14, and they fit, but looked almost like wide leg pants on my hourglass figure. I returned them, but plan on trying a size 12 in store. The fabric was substantial rayon / blend, and they looked nice. I wear mostly skirts, taller boots, and sweaters in the winter, so I may re-examine these if they reappear in the spring.
FMLA question
For those who work in workplaces that don’t require advance notice for FMLA leave.
How does your workplace handle people leaving without advance notice for things like
attending a kid’s game, visiting a relative in the hospital, or taking an elderly parent grocery shopping?
I could really use some pointers because I am overwhelmed by staff members getting up from their desks, announcing that they need to drive a relative to the doctor and walking out the door up to 3x weekly. I do not have authority to change the policy, discipline anyone or ask for other coverage so I really could use some advice on how to deal with it.
Anonymous
FMLA leave is not for attending a kid’s game. If the grocery shopping/hospital visit is related to care of a relative, they should be using intermittent leave. If you can’t discipline, change or enforce a policy though, just ignore it.
AFT
So those examples aren’t actually covered by the FMLA regulations- well, visiting relative in the hospital if relative is incapacitated may possibly be, but just for social/family reasons wouldn’t. Is it more that your office is just very flexible with respect to time spent on family/personal obligations? If that’s the case, I’d focus on how to get your work done when the people you need to collaborate with are unavailable, and potentially adjusting back your timelines for connecting with those people (e.g., if it’s common for people to leave midafternoon, then try to get to them by lunchtime if you need an answer that day).
Anonymous
What’s to deal with? You’ve posted about this before right? That’s not FMLA, that’s just your employer giving flexibility. You roll with it.
Anonymous
You’re obviously not a manager. This is a huge issue for the OP and she does need some kind of strategy for dealing with it.
Anonymous
It doesn’t sound like OP is the manager. If she were, she’d be able to institute a policy of advance notice for leave.
pugsnbourbon
I can see where even if she’s not the manager this could negatively impact her, but that’s a problem with HER manager/management.
OP – what are the consequences of these kinds of absences? And would these problems still exist even if you had advance notice, or is it the last-minute nature that causes the problem? If the former, you can make the case for hiring more people. If it’s the latter, discuss the consequences with your management – ie, b/c Jack left suddenly to do X, we were short-staffed and unable to perform Y sufficiently. If they shrug and say “it’s just FMLA,” then they’re crummy managers who don’t understand what FMLA is and you need to look for a different job.
In short – you can’t control what other people do, you can explain how it affects the work problem and management has to step up from there.
BeenThatGuy
My first rule of thumb is lead by example. If I schedule a dental appointment for during the day, I send an email to my staff letting them know in advance. In the email I include that I will be in early if anyone needs assistance with something (also showing I’m “making up the time”). In turn, my staff gives me the same curtesy.
If I see someone taking advantage, I address it. Letting them know the expectation to skip a lunch break, stay late or come in early.
For context, I run a level 2/3 IT Help Desk so I always need it staffed so communication is imperative.
Anon
Obviously know your workplace, but it would drive me crazy if I had to let everybody know when I was leaving to go to the dentist, or if I got those emails from my colleagues. If I am working on a project that day with somebody, I will give them a heads up (usually verbally), but if it were demanded of me, I’d feel really weird. I’m an adult, I can be trusted to manage my time and my workload.
Anonymous
Must be the same. I can’t imagine two companies having such a skewed understanding of the FMLA.
Anonymous
Agree with the others that this sounds like major abuse of what people think is “intermittent FMLA” but actually is not, and someone in leadership (and also in HR) needs to get informed about what intermittent FMLA actually is and how it should be implemented. Companies can (and should) require documentation/certification for any type of FMLA, intermittent or continuous. The intention of intermittent FMLA is not to allow people to leave the workplace for any vaguely family-related reason at any time whatsoever, with no notice.
Without giving too many details that might out me, a few years ago a city agency in our city made the news when an investigative reporter published a story about widespread rampant abuse of “intermittent FMLA” in the agency, which meant that this agency was basically unstaffed on Fridays before big football games, holiday weekends, etc. I was part of a team of consultants that was hired to look at the situation and we discovered that the HR folks for the agency were A. badly misinformed about FMLA requirements and best practices and B. spineless in terms of enforcing their own stated policies, which actually followed the law quite well.
I realize you need actionable advice that can help you in this situation and if you are in a large organization, changing HR’s enforcement/implementation of their (seemingly misguided) intermittent FMLA policies is not likely, or at least it will take time. You do need to escalate this to your manager and then she/he needs to escalate it up the management chain; this is costing the company a lot of time and money, for people to abuse the law this way. In the meantime, you can set a “soft expectation” with your team: “to make sure everything’s covered and we’re meeting our deadlines, I appreciate a heads-up when you’re planning to leave the office for more than half an hour or so, or you plan to leave early for the day. It will also help me keep track of your use of intermittent FMLA.” Because FMLA leave is finite and you absolutely should be tracking it, even if this asinine use of it is okay by your company. Don’t attach consequences to people not giving you a heads-up without talking to your boss and HR first, but you can put the expectation out there.
Flats Only
Hopefully someone with real expertise will chime in, but as far as I know from my personal experience taking it, none of those things qualify for FMLA. When I used it it was only for direct medical stuff – I got a couple of hours of it each day to give my husband shots and administer his medications. Have you talked to HR about what the policy really is for that type of thing? Are you taking over a department from someone who didn’t mind that the staff was in and out like that, and they’ve not (yet) been told it’s now unacceptable?
anon
Aside from others’ (accurate) comments about FMLA, my coworkers have a similar attitude–from truly unforeseeable (“kid’s puking at school-gotta go!”) to the slightly irritating (“I’m outta here, the pharmacy closes same time as our office”).
My boss deals with it by keeping output expectations reasonable, and staffing at appropriate levels for us to use our available leave. Granted, we are not medical or emergency responders, nor do we have legally mandated turnaround time–nothing we do can’t wait a few hours. If someone else hasn’t told us about the work they need until the last minute, well, that’s on them. Consistently enforcing that standard on our customers over time has actually allowed our department to have a reputation for outstanding customer service.
pugsnbourbon
… your boss sounds amazing and should give talks about how they achieve this.
anon
Yes, she’s amazing at her job. We have lowest turnover and some of the best talent acquisition in the whole org, and I think it’s because of her management skill.
Anon
So I don’t understand the FMLA thing because I don’t think the examples you gave fall under FMLA. But yeah in my workplace, people can generally leave mid-day for a few hours for a kid’s school event or to run an errand without telling anyone. Obviously if you’re supposed to meet with someone while you’re gone, you notify that person and cancel the meeting. But otherwise, why does it matter? If the work is getting done, I don’t see the big deal. If the work is not getting done, then that’s the problem, not the hours that your employees are physically butt-in-seat. My employer is notorious for being stingy with salaries and raises, but honestly I can’t imagine ever leaving because I don’t know how I would give up this flexibility. It’s probably worth at least $100k in salary to me, given that my actual salary meets all my basic needs.
Anon
Need help: Going with a colleague to a work gala (networking event) in 2.5 weeks. I’m struggling to find event photos online and I’m super stressed about what to wear. I work in a male dominated field and dress business casual most days so a dress is a far departure for me within this circle (although what gravitate towards in my personal life). Any thoughts/suggestions/links to appropriate formal wear?
Diana Barry
Are you sure it’s not going to be people coming straight from work? With work galas that’s what I think of – I usually wear a dress with some interesting detail that can stand on its own, and maybe add one more piece of jewelry, and heels. I don’t change my whole outfit though.
Ms B
I would wear a column of black (non-matte shell, maybe Anne Klein, and tailored pants) topped by a tweed jacket with some metallic or a pearl trim to it, good jewelry and makeup, plus cuter shoes than normal. If this is a work event, I dress for work, but with some shine. My other preferred option would be a sheath dress with a ruana of some type, but I really prefer to have pockets for these events so that I do not have to carry a purse and have a place for business cards.
Anonymous
Call the nonprofit hosting the gala and ask the Development office staff for advice. They tend to be women. But in general, I think a sheath dress with evening accessories is a pretty safe bet if people will largely be coming from work.
Where did the wool go??
Building off the thread on changes in clothing over the past decade or so…
I took advantage of J Crew’s latest sale to order a Lady Day coat. It still has the Thinsulate lining, but is only 75% wool (25% nylon). I have a couple of older coats that I bought probably ~2008 and 2010-11, and those were 96% and 94% wool, respectively. I feel like back in the 1990s it was pretty easy to find 100% wool coats without having to spend the equivalent of $500+ dollars. Not any more.
Same for wool pants. I had a pair of wool (like, real winter wool, not tropical suiting wool) pants from Loft in the early 2000s and they were lined and nice enough for the price. Had a couple of similarly nice pairs from Eddie Bauer. But now, I cannot find warm wool pants at all unless I spend $200+ – good thing that I have a pretty casual job and thanks to climate change I don’t really need wool pants.
But what happened to the wool?? Is there some sort of sheep crisis that I don’t know about? I know that wool was always more expensive than synthetic fabrics, but it seems like it was a lot easier to find good wool items at a reasonable price 10-20 years ago (and I was making much less than I am now but still had some 100% wool sweaters and coats).
It’s so weird.
Anonymous
All the wool is at Uniqlo I guess.
Anon
Unfortunately they are oddly shaped..
Anon
Idk about wool pants, but it’s never been easier to find merino wool outdoor gear or sweaters.
OP
Right, but all the merino sweaters are so thin! They mostly work where I live now, but I remember, back in the day, living in Chicago and Michigan, there were wool sweaters with a bit more heft that actually kept you warm.
Anonymous
On the other hand, there is also a trend of mixing like 5% wool or cashmere into cotton or synthetic items, so allergic people like me can’t wear them. Isn’t there anyone else who doesn’t want itchy wool in their ski socks?
I have also noticed that it’s next to impossible to find t-shirts or knits with any cotton in them. Everything is modal or rayon or poly.
Manhattanite
+1 to wanting more 100% cotton t-shirts and knits! Can’t stand the modal knits which look great in the store when I try them at Loft, but shrink weirdly and unpredictably. Also, what’s with the “mixed media” tops? These are impossible to wash because each fabric reacts differently to wash!
Anon
I hate the mixed media shirts. Does anyone actually like them????
pugsnbourbon
I do, because I’m broad-shouldered. If it’s woven in the front and stretchy in the back, my shoulders fit!
PolyD
I like them because I’ve reached a sweaty phase of life, so having a (usually) more breathable back to the shirt helps. I haven’t noticed any problem with washing these, but I wash in cold water and hang dry.
Anon
I buy Supima cotton tops at Lands End
Anonome
Frantic clapping for this. I’m tired of everything stretching out while also shrinking, like there’s a wormhole in my washing machine. I’m tired of everything itching. Give me 100% cotton or give me nudity.
Anonymous
This!
Anonymous
I just bought some plain supima cotton t-shirts from Banana Republic and have been very pleased. If they shrank, it wasn’t noticeable. I have an older one that has issues with the neck wrinkling. But I was in such desperate need of t-shirts that I tried again, and I have been very pleased with the new ones (crew neck, v-neck, and cropped). I’d say they run plenty big and barely shrink for sizing. And BR is having Friends and Family right now.
Anon
I laughed at the “sheep shortage” line.
What really happened, I think, is that the retail sector tanked during the recession. Retailers compensated by making their clothes out of less-expensive materials and also putting things on random discount sales to lure shoppers into making impulse purchases. This is a great short-term strategy, but is hard in the long term: shoppers are trained to not buy anything that is not heavily discounted, and are also used to lousy fabrics. So it’s hard to convince them that no, this WHBM dress is not going to pill on the fourth wearing, so please spend $200 on it instead of the $60 you would buy it from off the discount rack.
Anon
Clothes got cheaper because people weren’t willing to shell out $$$ for quality items. I feel like wool pants used to cost the equivalent of $200 in today’s money, or am I wrong?
OP
Maybe, but I feel like I bought wool pants when I was making half of what I am making now, and it didn’t feel like a big financial strain.
Anonymous
Yes, and I’d still spend that much or more on high-quality, well tailored, lined wool pants if such a thing existed. I don’t actually want to buy cheap clothes, it’s just that cheap clothes are all that’s available at any price.
Anon
Uniqlo cashmere v-neck or Everlane cashmere v-neck? Anyone done a comparison and have a recommendation? I’m looking for black, so sheerness is not an issue.
cat socks
There was a post on Wardrobe Oxygen recently about different brands of cashmere.
Anonymous
I know you said cashmere, but I just tried the Uniqlo cashmere v-neck and the ultra fine merino wool v-neck and the merino felt so much softer/nicer to me – the cashmere felt super itchy. Can’t comment on Everlane though.
Nonny
Seconded. I love Uniqlo merino sweaters and have some that are ten years old and have held up exceptionally well.
CHL
I found the fits to be vastly different. Uniqlo was a little more “long and lean” while Everlane was more boxy. The Everlane one for me is softer but the shape doesn’t do me favors.
Anon
The Uniqlo v isn’t very deep, if that matters to you at all. I hate crew or other high necks because I have broad shoulders and a big chest and the Uniqlo v-neck is barely any lower than a crewneck on me.
Anon
Everlane is nicer quality. I don’t think Uniqlo is that nice.
Skipper
I am in the market for a cocktail dress I can wear for winter weddings, holiday parties, and so forth. Ideally, it would have sleeves and, if it’s short, not look like a hot nightmare if paired with tights. I’m hoping to keep this around for a few years, so I’m particularly interested in dresses that are fairly classic. Does anyone have specific advice or general tips?
AZCPA
I love Adrianna Pappell for this. Just bought a elbow length sleeve, knee-length dress on Amazon from the brand (at 75%).
Check out https://smile.amazon.com/Adrianna-Papell-Womens-Sleeve-Crushed/dp/B00D76MRCI/ref=sr_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Adrianna+Papell&psc=1&qid=1572456706&refinements=p_n_feature_browse-bin%3A11006718011%7C11006719011&rnid=11006712011&s=apparel&sr=1-3 as an example.
StaringIntoTheAbyss
This is the one I’m getting for my holiday party this year. It’s not expensive so I’m not sure it would hold up to a ton of wearing/washing (but it doesn’t require drycleaning, which is huge for me!), but the silhouette is classic and will accommodate a bit of weight coming on or off my hips/butt so I expect to be able to wear it next season as well. https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.0810332002.html
pugsnbourbon
This is a beautiful dress!
Texas lawyer
Recommendations for recruiters for in-house (employment law) positions in the DC area?
Anon
I really feel like colorblocking in this way is way out of style at this point. And I’ve never gotten past the “Star Trek” vibes of most colorblocking.
Anon
Man I miss Obama.
https://www.insider.com/barack-obama-slams-call-out-culture-young-not-activism-2019-10
KW
Did you see one of the late night shows the other night – Jimmy Kimmel? Jimmy Fallon? – that did a mashup of the differences between Obama announcing the death of Bin Laden and Trump announcing the death of Al-Baghdadi? Oof, that just reinforced the vast differences between the two and how much I miss having an intelligent, compassionate adult in the WH.
Anonymous
I can’t watch his Instagram stories or videos because I just get sad.
Anon
I liked him too but give me a break. He’s just another ex president. Are you waxing poetic about W or Carter?
Anon
I mean no because I didn’t like W at all and he was the first president I have concrete memories of (I was 11? when he was inaugurated). I probably would have been sad about Carter being gone during the Reagan era if I’d been alive then.
Anon
I just think the O and Michelle love is a little over the top. They’re out now. Who cares what they think on every single issue? I liked them when he was in office and now — it makes no difference to me what they say. I don’t understand the obsessed following, hanging on every word, getting sad thinking about them.
Anonymous
You don’t have to understand it, and you also don’t have to be aggressively hostile and post about how you think other people are stupid for having feelings or thoughts of their own. Not a great look for you.
Anonymous
Not OP, but honest to god, at this point, yes. I didn’t like W as a president but at least I thought he was a nice human being who loved his wife and kids and had some basic empathy, which is loads more than I can say about Trump. And I pretty much tear up every time I read an article about Carter these days since he’s just a genuinely wonderful person (wasn’t born when he was president and understand maybe he wasn’t a great president, but the bar is just so low these days I’d take either).
Anon
I’m OP and I agree. I basically hated W when he was in office but would kill to have him back compared to Trump. Every time I read an article about a former president being a decent human being, I feel both nostalgic and angry. It’s not just that Trump and I disagree on politics, but that we fundamentally disagree on morals and norms of behavior.
Anon
I vividly recall the W days and the unrelenting attacks on his character. I remember when Romney ran for President and the unrelenting attacks on his character.
Perhaps we wouldn’t have Trump if you had appreciated decent people more when we had them.
Anon
W was/is a war criminal. He had a folksy veneer but is ultimately responsible for the death of millions of Iraqis, including women and children. He is not decent, and we had no obligation to appreciate him.
anon
I worked in the Bush White House and the reason we have Trump is NOT because liberals weren’t nice enough to my boss or to Romney. I am (was, I would say at this point, since I don’t feel welcome in a Trump-dominated party) a Republican and didn’t love how Romney in particular was treated (I felt like criticism of Bush was fairer given the war and some other factors, even though I worked for him), but the crap that was thrown at Obama was far worse.
anon
“Perhaps we wouldn’t have Trump if you had appreciated decent people more when we had them.”
All I have to say to this is “but her emails.”
Anon
He was this country’s first black president and meant a lot to people of color. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand that. But for some of us, his presidency did, and does, represent a lot of hope.
It also doesn’t help that he was followed by a man who is so depraved, cruel, stupid and vain. The contrast can be stunning.
Anon
I’m not white, I liked him and yet – shrug – he’s gone now, I don’t see any need to hang on his every word the way people do.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I am waxing pretty poetic about Jimmy Carter as he BUILDS HOUSES FOR HOMELESS PEOPLE AT AGE 95.
Never too many shoes...
While having advanced cancer. no less.
anon
Me too! And I read his books. He’s the only president that my coworkers from both sides of the aisle agree on.
Anon
I’m sad that he’s having more frequent and severe falls. I’m not a churchgoing person, but his Sunday School was well worth getting up in the middle of the night to get there at the crack o’dawn. He and Mrs. Carter are truly decent people.
Anonymous
Thanks for that- me too
Ellen
He is old, so it is not a surprise. Dad was NOT a fan of him back then, and still rolls his eyes whenever he is on TV. Dad transitioned out of the government after the Carter administration, Mom said, and took a professorship at MIT b/c he was getting tired of the bureaucracy, whatever that means.
Screen addiction
How do I get over feeling like I can’t let go of my phone, email, or TV at night? I come home from the office around 10 pm most days and end up browsing 2-3 hours despite being bone tired. It’s like I’m afraid tl let it go, my head is cluttered with desperate thoughts and the screen helps to numb them. I’m in therapy for anxiety. Just quit cold turkey? I’ve tried yoga, meditation, and hot baths but nothing seems to quiet the chatter in my brain.
Anon
Try reading physical books – that’s what my therapist recommended and I found it helpful (less blue light from the screens). I chose things that were comforting but not super intense, so I didn’t have to worry about getting so engrossed I stayed up really late. Also crossword puzzles, sudoku, etc.
Anonymous
I charge my devices in a room other than the bedroom, then put an old show I’ve watched a million times on the TV with a sleep timer. The TV show turns my brain off without really capturing my attention, which helps me get to sleep.
anon
Buy “How to Break Up With Your Phone” in paper, read it, and do the plan. It seems crazy at first but it really works and has dramatically cut my recreational phone usage. I’m sleeping better and my brain feels quieter and like I’m more capable of deep, focused thought.
Anon
Step number 1: put your phone in the foyer to charge when you get home. It stays there until you leave for work in the morning. You can use it as much as you want standing in the foyer. That plus a week of cold-turkey no TV will really help you. Just come home and sleep! You’re already getting back so late.
CHL
Maybe try going for a walk, or to the library or something and leaving your phone at home. I find it hard to resist sometimes so I try to break the habit by really not having it with me.
Anonymous
Develop some other wind-down habit to replace TV/phone time. Personally, I need to do something with my ears, eyes, and hands. Listen to music and color an adult coloring book or knit or read a physical book. I also really like the sleepcasts in the HeadSpace app.
Meal kits?
Sorry if this has been covered recently – I haven’t been able to read the comments in a while.
I’m looking for a meal kit that has a truly “trial” offer. In other words, it doesn’t require me to shell out a ton of money up front and instead gives me a week or less of meals for cheap/free. So not the “buy a month, get one week free” or “save $20 off $80” type of promotions. No dietary restrictions.
Thank you!
Senior Attorney
Blue Apron’s trial offer is really free, the only thing is you have to give them your credit card info and make sure to cancel immediately (like, the day you receive the free box or maybe even before) so the second box doesn’t ship. If you’re interested hit me up at seniorattorney1 at gmail.
anon
Words of wisdom on coping with early-pregnancy anxiety? Or happy stories about becoming a mother in your late 30s? I’m six weeks pregnant, and miscarried another pregnancy very shortly before this pregnancy. I’m super anxious about miscarrying again (even though my numbers are much better this time), terrified about the risk of birth defects (I’ve just turned 39), and in generally just really worried that the baby won’t make it or will have terrible medical problems. When I have symptoms, I worry; if I have a few days when I don’t feel symptoms, I worry. It feels like everywhere I turn I see something about how bad/dangerous/risky it is to become a mother in your late 30s. Even though I know the absolute risks are still low, I’m struggling to let myself get excited about my pregnancy and since it’s so early, hardly anyone knows. I’m usually a huge fan of therapy but I can mentally walk myself through the exercises I think a therapist would do with me, and it doesn’t help.
Anon
I’m 38 and six months along.
Stage 1: I was very, very anxious during the first few weeks, exacerbated by not having morning sickness (miscarriage?) and having very high HCG levels (twins? molar pregnancy? Down Syndrome?). When I got my ultrasound and saw this cute little bean with arms and legs and a heartbeat floating around, I calmed down a lot. From a numbers perspective, my chance of miscarriage had dropped from about 1 in 3 to 1 in 100.
Stage 2: Still worried about genetic abnormalities, but I paid out of pocket for the cell free DNA test ($249, Natera, tell them you’re out of pocket and be prepared to pay within two weeks). Once that came back without issues, I continued to calm down.
Stage 3: 20 week ultrasound. As far as they can tell, my baby is completely healthy. We’re now officially in “freak accident” territory, and that’s the territory you’re in for the rest of your life. This is such a relief to me.
That said, I had/have prenatal depression, and finally started seeing a therapist. She is worried about postpartum depression, because my prenatal depression was so awful during the first trimester. If you continue to struggle, I *strongly* advise finding a specialist so that you have an easier pregnancy and have a toolkit ready if postpartum is hard. You do not want to be in the position of caring for a newborn, dealing with overwhelming depression, and trying to find a therapist, get in for appointments, do all the intake, establish a relationship, and developing a toolkit.
anon
Thanks, I REALLY appreciate it. You can do the cell-free test at 10 weeks, right? I know I will feel a lot better after that, assuming it’s normal.
Anon
Yes, 10 weeks. Many insurance companies will cover it for “advanced maternal age,” so check into that before going the out of pocket route.
Congratulations, by the way. :)
Anon
Yes, 10 weeks. It should be “covered” by insurance if you’re over 35 but since it’s not preventative care you’ll have to meet your full deductible first. If you’re not going to hit your deductible in 2019 you may be better off asking them to run it as uninsured and paying the $250. If you have insurance, but haven’t hit your deductible the test is $900 or something like that. (This is a common quirk of our f-ed up medical system.) I’m still glad I did it for peace of mind, but that $900 really stung.
nutella
I am not in this category and not able to respond, but man what a thoughtful and good response! I’ve been reading here for years and am continually amazed by some of you! Good luck to you both and congratulations!
Anon
i was kind of the same way in terms of worrying when i didn’t have pregnancy symptoms. in fact, i had been throwing up every day for a week and then one day was suddenly ravenous and ate 4 pieces of pizza in one sitting. i actually messaged my obgyn office to ask if this was something to be concerned about. i now have a healthy set of twins. two weeks ago my cousin’s wife had their third at age 42/5
yes, prenatal anxiety/depression is a thing that does not get as much attention as PPA/PPD, but I would encourage you to seek a good person to talk to now, so that you can be prepared in case you continue to experience these worries postpartum
Anon
I leaned into bad things? I listened to TONS of the My Favorite Murder podcast in my first half of pregnancy, and then switched to reading all of Pro Publica’s maternal mortality reporting in my second half. This could be terrible for you, but it helped me focus my fears kid of externally and it helped a lot. And yes, do the cell-free test.
Anon older mom
Miscarried my first pregnancy at 40 – got pregnant again 3 months later with my super-awesome now grade-schooler. I grieved so hard over my miscarriage and was too scared to let myself enjoy the early days of my second pregnancy. I finally sat myself down and realized I didn’t do anything to cause the loss and nothing I could have done would have stopped it. Acknowledging that I had no control this time either but did have a choice of how I looked at it really seemed to help me stop brewing up stress hormones and just accept each day as it came. We chose to decline any testing that wasn’t a routine blood draw or ultrasound. We were prepared for any baby I could hatch, and for me, I felt I would get more worked up over any possible findings than waiting in the unknown. Seeing ultrasounds and hearing heartbeats always made me feel better, and I relaxed even more once I could feel her moving. My doctor was also really great – when we discussed not taking further tests, he supported our decision and flipped the percentages around… instead of x% chance of this or that issue, it was “over 98% chance of completely healthy baby or issues that could be remedied”. Hearing it that way really helped. Congratulations and best wishes to you!
Anon
It’s ok not to be excited now – you have loads of time ahead of you to cultivate that excitement. Give yourself a few months.
You've got this!
I was terrified. I got pregnant at 39 and had kiddo at 40. The first few weeks I was convinced something was going to go wrong. Agree with the above poster that cell free fetal DNA testing, followed by ultrasounds, helped a lot. I also read “Expecting Better” which had a lot of statistics about what can go wrong and how likely it is. For me, having a handle on the numbers gave me a sense of control and calmed me down.
lsw
Hugs. I had an AMA pregnancy and all the terror that comes with it…along with 8 month nausea and prenatal depression (I didn’t know that was a thing!). The best advice I got was from my midwife who suggested I get into talk therapy in my first trimester because I was at risk for PPD. Turns out the minute the baby was born, I was 100% fine, but such a terrible pregnancy. Talk therapy was absolutely vital during my pregnancy. All of this to say that you might consider getting screened for prenatal anxiety too!
Hope everything keeps getting better!
Anon
Have you seen any links or do you have any thoughts on where to donate for these Ca. wildfires? My preferences tend to be large local/regional organizations and NOT the standards like Red Cross or United Way or the like.
editor
California Humane Society
Humane Society of Sonoma County
Sacramento SPCA
Anon
Uh — anything where the help goes to you know . . . humans? Not dogs and cats?
Anon
Rude – a lot of animals are displaced and affected by fires as well and need resources (not the op, but a Californian).
Anon
Ok, sure, but A LOT of people will prioritize helping humans over animals. You can’t pretend to not understand that.
Anon
Not the Anon above and I care about animals and realize they’re affected by the fire too, but it does seem like a weird response to list three different animal charities and no charities that help humans.
NYNY
World Central Kitchen
Anon
I’ve worked my entire career in disaster response, I know that people love to hate the Red Cross but they’re the best at what they do. They have the supplies, the staff, the procedures, and the connections/relationships that others don’t.
However if you’re really truly anti Red Cross, donate to the Salvation Army. Slightly different mission areas (at least in my experience) but also very professional.
anon0321
Reasking something I asked late yesterday afternoon.
Got the reccs already to go to nordstrom, target, wacoal, bali t-shirt bras & reddit– will check into all of these. :)
2 questions- I may ask again tomorrow since it’s late.
1-I want to get my husband a new briefcase- any reccs? Preferably leather. He is a gov lawyer so doesn’t need to be particularly stuffy- but also should
He nice.
2-I need new bras after 4 years of having kids and wearing sports bras. I just got an order from thirlove
And eh- not the best… but also not the worst. I feel like there must be something better out there. I currently mostly wear torrid bralettes and am about a 40b, which is hard to find. Also very sensitive to things that are right and uncomfortable.
Please help a lady out! Thanks!
Another anonymous judge
1. My husband loves his Levenger leather briefcase. It’s held up well for about a decade now.
2. I highly recommend a specialist bra fitting. I’ve recently purchased some marie-jo bras and really like them! (L’Aventure Tom specifically). Prior to this I wore Chantelle t-shirt bras and they were always reliable.
Anon
Chantelle makes a 40b. If you have trouble finding sizes, Figleaves has a great selection.