Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Corset Sweater
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m seeing a lot of these wide, square-neck tops right now, and I’m absolutely loving the slightly retro vibe from them. This slightly cropped sweater from Banana Republic Factory would look fabulous tucked into some wide-leg trousers for an elegant business casual look.
The great part about necklines like this is that I get to wear some of my shorter pendant necklaces, which tend to get neglected as I’m bundling up during the winter months.
The sweater is $50 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. It also comes in three other colors.
Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started — up to 60% off! See our roundup here.
- AllSaints – Now up to 60% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – Semi Annual Sale! Up to 40% off your purchase; extra 60% off 3+ styles
- Banana Republic Factory – The Winter Sale: 50% off everything + extra 60% off clearance
- Boden – Sale, up to 60% + extra 10% — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
- DeMellier – Sale now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 85% off; extra 60% off clearance
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off — reader favorites include their scoop tee, Dream Pant, ReNew Transit backpack, silk blouses and their oversized blazers!
- J.Crew – 25% off full-price styles; up to 50% off cashmere; 70% off 3+ sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off winter faves; extra 25% off $100+
- L.K. Bennett – All sale half price or less
- M.M.LaFleur – 30% on almost everything with code
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off fall and winter styles
- Sephora – Extra 20% off sale items for Beauty Insider members
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 40% off + 25% off, sale on sale!
- Universal Standard – 25 styles for $25, 1/1 only
Help me with more formal workwear in a dress-for-your-day environment, 2025 edition.
If you wear pants + jacket in lieu of a suit, do the colors of the jacket and pants relate to each other at all? Like black pants + black jacket (knit or tweed; definitely an identifiably different fabric)? Or do blouse and jacket colors relate or go strictly neutral / solid on the blouse? Then mix in shoes. I’m good in the warm weather but hate cold ankles in winter and always mess up the boots / visible socks or it’s just too casual of a look (Doc Martins) or too Yellowstone cosplay.
If I’m not wearing a suit, then I prefer a jacket in a different color than pants. Eg: black pants, black tee, with colored jacket; colored pants w/ black jacket; navy jacket and white/tan pants. For boots it’s just about wearing full length rather than ankle pants
If the fabric isn’t the same I prefer to mix colors. To me, when the fabric is different it looks unintentional/like you were just trying to cobble together a suit. So unless it’s an actual suit, I tend to mix. Big fan of black or navy pants with a less expected but still dark colored blazer.
I like a non-suit combos like olive pants and a grey blazer, or camel jacket with navy trousers.
If you are going to do an all black outfit, then yes, making sure the jacket is notably different in texture from the pants keeps it from veering into “got dressed in the dark” territory.
I like a pattern or texture on one or both of the main pieces. I also really like an ankle length pant in a non skinny cut with higher shaft ankle boots. It solves the cold ankle and the pants dragging in a puddle issue. It looks best when the boot has a bit of a heel although I wear a chunky soled Chelsea boot too. Basic winter outfit formula for me is button up under slim sweater plus cropped pants and ankle boots and add a blazer. I’m apple shaped and short so those pants are wide or flared and the blazer is best when it’s a nubby woolen tweed or houndstooth number and kind of long and slim. It can’t be too long or it looks like dress up but it looks dated when it’s cropped and slim. YMMV of course but I like menswear old school professor vibe in the winter and I find the textures really fun. Another look I’m loving is a midi dress over tall heeled boots. I also love wide leg trousers with a slim turtleneck and flats. Both of those outfits work nice with a modern blazer.
Love the sound of your outfit!
Ooh this sounds amazing especially as I’m shaped exactly like you. Would you be so kind as to share links to the types of pants you’d wear in this outfit, I think I understand the rest but I’m still not able to get the pants right in my head. I am thinking wool pants to go with the type of long blazer you describe? Thanks so much!
I am really struggling with the right pants for boots this year. I was doing cropped wide legs all summer, and they really don’t work with my boots. Luckily I am in Texas, so my needing to wear boots is kind of minimal.
you need boots with a higher shaft to span the crop
I guess I’m not sure why you wouldn’t wear a suit in this situation?
I feel like pre-COVID on the East Coast, I might bit post-COVID, it might not read right in some settings. In DC, I’d err on the side of formality but elsewhere, no one in the room may be in a suit. It is exhausting.
I am looking for recommendation for two protein powders:
1. Unflavored protein powder to use in overnight oats. No limitations on what type of protein. Just need it to blend well into yogurt and have no weird taste/smell.
2. Bone broth protein powder to use in soups. Must be chicken protein (have a beef allergy).
I do not have a Cosco membership. Ideally, I would like something that comes in a reasonable size so I can try it without buying a jumbo container. Thanks!
For the first, I’ve been a fan of Great Lakes collagen for over a decade. Jumped on the collagen trend before it exploded and have kept using it even as the price doubled. I put mine in yogurt or coffee and can’t really taste it if it’s mixed well.
For #1 – Jarrow Formulas Unflavored Whey protein powder. I buy it on Amazon.
I buy super basic plain unflavoured whey protein powder on Amazon.
I really like Good Protein. I buy the flavoured varieties, but there is an unflavoured protein too. It was suggested to me that I avoid whey protein which might have been upsetting my stomach, so I specifically sought out this pea protein. The flavours are great and it mixes well.
https://goodprotein.ca/products/unflavoured-all-in-one-shake
Just as a heads up, pea protein is not a complete protein. It doesn’t provide enough of certain essential amino acids, like methionine and cysteine, which are important for protein synthesis.
As a whey alternative I like Be Well by Kelly Leveque. It is a grass-fed beef isolate protein powder. It’s a clean, minimally processed from grass-fed beef, free from dairy, gluten, soy, and artificial sweeteners.
You do not have to eat a complete protein for the meal. If you are eating a variety of nuts, grains, and legumes on a daily basis, you will have what you need.
For #1, I use Jarrow unflavored whey
Maybe I need to do this because I hate the ultra sweetened fake taste of protein powder in overnight oats and baked oats. BUT — then what do you use to sweeten and flavor? Sugar? Jello packet? Not a big fan of using maple or agave syrup or honey.
I like brown sugar in oatmeal.
Anything you want! Berries, bananas, jams…
I use vanilla Greek yogurt from Trader Joe’s as the sweetener. Plus frozen blueberries.
For #1, my absolute favorite is Isopure Unflavored Protein. Comes in smaller and larger sizes.
Investing more in my appearance in 2025.
What is your favorite single-time, at-home, over the counter tooth whitener? Ideally something that I wear once for a couple hours and it makes a difference.
I am maxed for time so not looking something that is a nightly commitment for a month, etc.
I use the white strips when I shower and they don’t make my teeth sensitive but seem to make a difference. Not daily, but a few times a month or if I have a big event coming up. Have lots of food staining.
Yep – I use the strongest whitestrips a few times a month and would say my teeth are as white as they can get before looking super unnatural.
What specific ones do you use?
There’s suddenly so many on the market.
I use whatever the most expensive Crest Whitestrips are. They also make an express version that are 60 minutes that I do sometimes before a big event.
Lumineux
One of the few influencer-shilled products that’s really worth it.
Sensitive crest white strips
i use the generic drug store like crest. work great.
I get a toothpaste from my dentist called ClinPro that helps to re-mineralize your teeth. My teeth definitely look better – maybe not super white like you get with strips, but they look less translucent and stained. I also use colorless, alcohol-free, ACT fluoride rinse, after a hygienist told me that the colored stuff (the ACT I had been using was green) can actually stain your teeth.
I tried some version of white strips years ago and I didn’t like how sensitive they made my teeth, but maybe there are better versions now.
Crest Whitestrips are fine, my favorites are Opalescence: https://a.co/d/9qHRc5m
Please tell me about your therapy experience. How often do you go and how long have you been going? What do you feel you gain from the experience? How do you decide if its continuing to improve your life or if you could go without it? I’ve been going for the last year, and have generally found it beneficial. I go once a week and my therapist has helped me reframe some of my thinking, validate my feelings/experiences, and find ways to alleviate my worrying or obsessing over stuff. But I’m wondering, how much longer do I need to see her and if I continue will there be diminishing returns? I’m also wondering, do I still need to go every week? Yet, if I don’t go every week, will it have the same benefit? Thanks for sharing anything about your experience. Just something I’m trying to evaluate in my life as the new year starts. :)
I started with weekly, and then based on work scheduling had to adjust down to every other week. I find it helpful to talk through what went on that week with a neutral 3rd party and to have someone outside my friend / family circle to vent to without worrying.
I restarted therapy after a break. Previously, I had a lot of big issues so I was going weekly and as they resolved I moved to an every-other-week schedule. I still found it helpful and I didn’t feel like I was having to hunt for topics to talk about. This was a 5-year situation. More recently, I’m going weekly again, but plan to move to every-other-week or maybe pause therapy. I started for a medium-sized issue that is now over, but there are other things I find useful.
I’m considering talking to my therapist about this topic. I don’t feel like they’re going to up-sell me like a dentist, but I think mine has a preference for 2x a month instead of just once a month. Or maybe I’ll take a pause and I can restart with them if they still have availability later.
I went once a week for the first six months or so, when I was in a really tough situation, and then as that resolved transitioned to twice a month for about a year and a half, which was a schedule that worked well both with my regular life and for the scale of the problems I was working through.
In the three years since stopping regular therapy I’ve gone back to the same therapist twice, for small batches of once-a-month sessions for help with specific issues. Maybe six sessions in early 2023 and three sessions in mid-2024. It was really nice to be able to go back to someone who knew me well to check in when I needed. If you’re ever considering stopping, but are on the fence about it, I really recommend asking if your therapist would be open to something like this – it gave me a lot of confidence that I could move forward with my life but also have support if I really needed it.
I think it’s best for a quick hit in a crisis. But going 2x a week forever just keeps you stuck and in therapy land. Sometimes you just gotta get over it all and love your life.
I tend to agree and think that therapy should be short-term in most cases. The book Bad Therapy was very eye-opening and basically described to a tee the experiences of some family members who got worse instead of better when they committed to more therapy. It absolutely has its place but it’s not appropriate for everyone all the time.
Absolutely agree with this. Therapy has its place but my experience was that it kept me focused on re-living my trauma over and over and over again. And yes I was a victim but I did not want to stay a victim.
But that was my experience and everyone is different. The question is whether therapy is helping you (good therapy), hurting you (bad therapy), or just costing you time and money that might be better directed elsewhere.
Such good advice! I had therapy once a month for like 8 years (or maybe it was once a quarter) and I was so BORED with it after a while… but I felt like such a loser when I quit.
Interesting! As a therapist might say.
I felt like a success story, like I’d graduated. Of course, I’m one of those alumni in the parking lot sometimes, coming back for homecoming
Agree wholeheartedly with this. Don’t do what I did: I went to the same therapist, sometimes twice a week and sometimes once a week, for like TEN YEARS to deal with my marriage issues, when it should have become abundantly clear early on that the answer was to DTMFA. I twisted myself into all kinds of knots trying to not need what I needed, and live with the unliveable, and he was complicit in that. I’m still really miffed about the whole thing. I feel like if you’re stuck in your life and your therapist isn’t focused on getting you un-stuck, then it’s time to stop or look for a new therapist.
Later I switched to somebody who I saw for a while relating to specific issues, and after a while he told me he thought I was done. I still go back from time to time for a few sessions when something comes up, and it’s been relly helpful.
I think the lesson I took from all of this is it’s really hard to find a good therapist. *sigh*
I started going once a week right after a crisis situation, with one-off sessions as they were necessary. I did that for about a year and a half and moved to a every other week schedule after a holiday break once I realized that I wasn’t coming with as much every single week (basically, nothing was an immediate crisis that I couldn’t batch talk with her about every other week). I brought it up as part of a conversation as what my next year was going to look like, but she was also in agreement and it sounded like it was something she was going to recommend shortly anyway. Because I have some recurring things that seem to come up on a rotating basis, I still find a lot of value in the every other week schedule I have (going on two years now), but I also don’t stress too much if scheduling means I can’t see her on schedule – I’m more likely to just wait until the next scheduled session that add one in.
I started out every other week and moved to once a month schedule after about a year.
My therapist does not like to dwell on the past. So we don’t revisit trauma we discussed unless I want to talk about it.
Sometime 1x per month feels like a chore but after the session I always have some good take aways.
This. There are different kinds of therapy. Originally I had CBT to change my thoughts to feel less depressed and anxious. We talk about patterns but I agree with “we don’t revisit trauma” but also … I don’t really have much to revisit like that, no history of abuse or trauma like that
My therapist is a Ph.D./M.D. so she also prescribes my meds. In good times I go every 3 months for a med check / check-in. In tougher times (I am currently getting divorced) I see her less often, every 2-4 weeks. Not gonna lie there’s some crisis times where I schedule more often.
I’ve used therapy at crisis points in my life but I have never wanted to partake in the lifelong therapy model. It has been really helpful for me when I needed it, and I’m grateful it exists.
Two thoughts to push the boundaries of the conversation a bit:
– As somebody who’s transitioning to working as a therapist at mid-life, after a career in business, I’m having some very unorthodox thoughts about how come nobody seems to negotiate scope of engagement in therapy the way they would in consulting. There’s so much baked-in unexamined historical stuff in the profession it makes me dizzy sometimes.
– I firmly believe that therapy is what the economists call lemon market (think lemon cars). Despite all regulations, education requirements, and hoops people have to jump through to get licensed, a certain percentage of therapists will always be “lemons” — partly because we work in private and the profession doesn’t do a good job with outcome tracking. The problem in a lemon market it always, how do you know which ones are the lemons?
I can’t say this in a room full of therapists (yet), but I figured I can say it to this comments section full of smart, experienced, accomplished women, and see what happens! I don’t think the solution is going to come from inside the therapy profession. So, as a consumer of therapy who’s experienced her fair share of good and bad therapy, I wonder what it would take for clients to take on a more active role — the way that we would when hiring other kinds of professionals…
I suppose I was very lucky to find a good one whom I saw once a week for around three years. I nearly always felt hopeful and positive after leaving a session with her. She helped me to figure out/confirm that it was time to end my marriage and helped me make a plan to do so. If she hadn’t been good, I’m sure I would’ve quit – but I may not have had a conversation about it as a “consumer,” as you suggest. Before that therapist, I saw one other therapist one time and thought she was a terrible fit and not helpful.
Many years later, due to work-related problems in the early months of the pandemic, I returned to my good therapist, and she was again very helpful.
The reason I proposed the “consumer” framing is to remind us that we know how to hire lawyers, accountants, contractors, and the list goes on… Yes, therapy is a more vulnerable and personal kind of relationship, for better or for worse. “For better” is when we find someone who’s a really good fit, and who’s willing to tell us when they think we’re “done,” like Senior Attorney’s second therapist did. “For worse” can mean we get taken advantage of in our hour of vulnerability, and this is not just about the money, but also about the opportunity cost of staying with them instead of finding the right fit. I’ve been in both situations, and it once took me years to recognize I was in the latter. So I’m experimenting with ways to talk about this that are helpful, without throwing the baby out with the bath water… 🫤
That makes sense. Thanks for working on it and sharing your experience.
My therapist started off our first session with my goals for therapy. We work towards them. They are actionable and realistic, to use corporate-speak.
I had to fire a bad therapist. It took a while to recover from her crap; she abused her position to denigrate me.
I agree with what you’ve said, but I think there’s an added component of fit or compatibility that makes things especially challenging. The right person or the right therapeutic modality for one person won’t be the same as for someone else, but it doesn’t always mean the therapist is a lemon. But how to find the right match? I’ve seen some attempts to sort this out with additional designations like trauma informed, ND affirming, and so on.
I think it’s also especially unhelpful to rely on reviews, since what’s popular may not be best practice. (I remember one well reviewed therapist telling me that the right mindset can cure cancer; apparently his other patients found this empowering!) I think this is true in other probable lemon markets like dentistry where the fact that a provider is beloved can reflect how friendly or positive they are more than anything else, but there’s more to go on other than reviews when it’s something like dentistry.
A practical way to think about it is that an initial period of going once a week can be like an investment in getting someone to know you and your stuff, so you can get customized care rather than off-the-shelf solutions. But once that level has been achieved, it’s a sign of a good therapist if you are able to have a productive conversation with them about what comes next. Especially if whatever the original goals you started going for have been achieved.
Has intermittent fasting really worked for you to help lose weight? If so, how on earth do you make it work with your schedule? I’ve been struggling to lost my perimenopause weight, nothing I’ve tried has worked, but I really can’t figure out how to make IF work in my schedule. I leave home at 7:30, and am typically in meetings all morning until lunch at noon. Then back to meetings. I guess I could do 12-8pm, but then it would mean I would miss dinner with my family, typically around 5:30-6pm. Does that sound like what you all do? If anyone who does IF can share the specifics of their schedule, especially if they have kids and don’t work from home, I’d appreciate it! Also, please tell me if it really worked to help you lose weight. Not sure it’s worth upheaving my schedule if it won’t change much . . .
Honestly, everything was difficult and white knuckling and then I tried a low dose of Ozempic (or compounded semiglutide actually). Like magic. Really – if you can afford it, I’d recommend.
Another vote for microdosing semaglutide. It has freed up so much brain space for me.
Not anon but have been considering this. How were you all prescribed it? I’m probably just shy of qualifying through BMI with my doctor, so considering online or medspa options.
Online for me. Henry Meds.
Was the commenter above. Online for me – ThriveRx.
Why would you miss dinner with your family if you did a 12-8 eating window? That’s what I do. I’m not normally hungry in the morning so it’s not hard to wait until noon to eat. I have kids but the mornings are so busy getting them off to school I wouldn’t sit down breakfast even if I wasn’t doing IF.
To answer your question, I haven’t really lost weight with it but it slows the gaining, which is..: something.
This sounds right. Heads up that IF, in my own experience, is easier with a higher fat/protein, low sugar diet, absolutely no sugar substitutes. For whatever reason (probably easily google-able) sugar and its substitutes make me very very hangry.
I like to do half unsweetened cold brew, half ice water in my giant stanley in the morning and that gets me through until lunch time. Then I stop eating/drinking calories around 6 or 7.
About the drink – yes, there are some things that are so low-cal it’s ok to have them during the fasting times of IF. Source: husband who did IF successfully and switched milks during that time
And also he’s a man a jerk so shrug but look into what you might be able to have breakfast on those IF days at that time if that’s an issue for you
I generally eat a late-ish lunch and supper with my family. I aim for an 18 hour fasting window if I am fasting. so something like 6:30 p.m. to 12:30 p.m. or 7:00 p.m. to 1:00 p.m. I don’t generally aim to lose weight but sometimes feel a bit squishy depending on what is going on and it definitely feels much better. I have friends who have experienced great success but they had a significant amount to lose.
The best eating schedule for me for losing weight is brunch at 11 and dinner at 5. Eating later in the evening is what really gets me. I do have coffee with cream (but not sugar) in the morning, which some people say doesn’t count as fasting, but I need something to wake up. So if I had your constraints, I guess I would try a meal at 12 and a meal at 6.
My doctor said that most of the benefits of IF come from not snacking between meals and letting ourselves get a little hungry before eating, and that for most people an overnight fast is enough of an actual fast. But I just don’t need a lot of calories, so eating three meals a day makes every meal feel like a kind of sad snack to me, vs. a respectable dinner and a modest brunch!
I just gave up after dinner snacking & that was enough to lose 10 lbs. Maybe just consider dinner your last eating opportunity even if it runs a little late?
No advice, but I think 12-8pm sounds perfect for your situation honestly. If your family eats at 5:30, it would be in your window. And your mornings sound busy enough that it would keep your mind of eating.
Exactly this. I eat because I’m bored, rarely because I’m hungry. When I’m busy I can ignore the thoughts of food. Not everyone needs breakfast to thrive.
I’ve read from a few trusted sources that IF is not recommended for women in perimenopause or menopause.
It disrupts things and disruption may lead to increased appetite, reduced insulin sensitivity, and impaired glucose tolerance in women. Also with IF + exercise it can elevate cortisol, potentially resulting in disrupted menstrual cycles, increased abdominal fat, and decreased performance.
Dr. Stacy Sims is who I like. She just touts a lot of protein, strength training and sprint intervals. Avoid things like orange theory.
That said, I have a friend who does all of the above and did small doses of semiglutide to help cut down on visceral fat.
I do a lighter IF the week before my period (so a longer eating window) but otherwise do it as normal the other three weeks.
Eating frequently also leads to reduced insulin sensitivity and impaired glucose tolerance, so what are we supposed to do?
This is why three solid protein-rich meals with a small snack between if you start to get hangry makes the most sense. Moderation and common sense FTW.
Everything we think is good at some point will turn out to be bad. Then the stuff we thought was bad will turn out to be good. Rinse. Repeat.
I think this is what happens with one-size-fits-all advice; one group gains sway over another and then the pendulum swings back.
My insulin and blood sugar issues happened to be severe enough that I was able to use a CGM to see what was really happening with my blood sugar, and now I know exactly what I need to do to keep it stable… but it’s totally different from what someone else might need to do.
I think ultimately science based recommendations aren’t ever going to be able to target everyone at once.
To the point of a cgm, I am wearing one by stelo geared toward non diabetics. I finished month 1 and plan to go 2-3 more mos. It has been great to see how I react to food and it has helped me stabilize from constant spikes. It has also tamped down on cravings as a result.
This is supposed to be good overall for insulin resistance and metabolic flexibility.
Everything I’ve read about this subject said it can all be highly individualized and the CGM is a good short term tool to learn about your body.
Check it out.
My primary told me it is a temporary help, but then it screws with your metabolism and can make it even harder to lose weight over time. My nutritionist also said something to that effect and to focus more on adding protein and limiting carbs and focus on controlling portions more than time period.
One thing my dietitian said that I hadn’t thought about is that our body can adjust to a number of different schedules if we’re consistent from day to day, so I should work more on consistency and giving my body time to adapt to a schedule it can rely on. She said that research shows that our system starts to prepare for when it thinks our next meal will be ahead of time, and it bases that on past patterns (I don’t know how that works but took her word for it).
lol at avoid Orange Theory when it is literally strength training and sprint intervals.
Yes but the point is that it’s not sprint intervals. It’s prolonged high intensity intervals. The prolonged high intensity period can lead to hormonal imbalance, muscle loss and increased fat storage.
I’ve read true sprint intervals so 30 seconds on 90 seconds off allows for heart rate recovery which is better for perimenopausal women because it limits excessive cortisol production.
I mean, OTF got me in the best shape of my life while in perimenopause and I lost weight so YMMV. I don’t take anything one person says as gospel for every single person.
Also in perimenopause. I tried it and failed. It felt overly rigid to me, didn’t match my daily rhythms, and I couldn’t stick with it for very long. I guess it’s worth a shot, although if you listen to some dieticians, fasting actually puts more stress on the body, which perimenopausal women do not need.
IDK. I’ve had to radically shift my thinking about health and wellness in my 40s. I don’t love how my body shape looks, but it is what it is. I eat well and move my body. I recognize that while I’m open to tweaking my diet, I am not willing to take drastic (i.e., restrictive) measures to lose weight. My health markers are good even if I’m carrying around some vanity weight.
Big +1 to your second paragraph. I think for all but a lucky few, being thin after 40 requires serious dieting and/or intense exercise and I’m not willing to do those things. I eat veggies, I move my body, my health metrics are good, I’ve just accepted that I won’t be thin at this stage of life. And also a curvier body makes your face look younger, so there is an upside to it to a few extra pounds. Nothing ages a face like losing some weight.
Most of the women in my family have similar proportions to me – large/tall/think Julia Child. None of us were ever destined to be rail thin.
My aunt who married into the family is one of those older women with a “bird-like” figure. Very thin arms, legs, shoulders, narrow hips. But even she, who is probably technically underweight, started carrying a little pot belly in menopause.
When I took Home Ec in middle school in late 70s, pattern sizes were Junior, Misses, and Women. Women were not plus sized, just proportioned differently, for the more mature woman. Her bust was lower and her waist was bigger compared to a Misses. Juniors were more straight up and down than Misses.
It has always been this way. Our bodies change as we age. It just is what it is.
I didn’t even want to attempt IF, because it sounded like it would “cost” so much willpower, and I believe the research that says willpower is a limited research. And then I came across Gin Stephens of Fast Feast Repeat on a podcast, and I thought, let me at least look into this. Then I read her books, and thought, let me try her Fast Start book and see what happens. Life has never been the same. BTW not doing this to lose weight, but in response to the not uncommon mid-life conversation with my PCP about rising glucose and insulin levels… And yes, I did lose a bunch of weight in the six months since I started. The best part is that it’s allowed me to start changing the mix of what I eat, gradually and sustainably, and without white-knuckling anything. I don’t know what the future holds, but reading Dr. Jason Fung’s books The Diabetes Epidemic and The Obesity Epidemic makes me moderately hopeful that understanding the actual metabolic mechanisms can put us in the driver’s seat in a medical system that’s not always our friend.
I prefer alternate day fasting. Fasting for a whole day is easier IMO.
I eat for entertainment, I have learned, and not because of hunger. So semaglutides don’t work well with me, as lack of hunger is no impediment to snacking all day long.
It turns out a light breakfast with protein (e.g., hard boiled egg or two, bananas or berries with Greek yogurt) and skipping lunch, OR skipping both breakfast and lunch, while sipping on coke zero all day, and only eating an early dinner twice a week when I go into the office works for me. We really need less food than we think, and occasionally skipping a meal here an there doesn’t hurt. The key is not to overeat at the next meal after skipping one, and (this is important) keeping portions WAY smaller than American are accustomed to. For me, trying to eat a wide variety of foods, too, helps stave off the boredom.
I stopped working out during the pandemic, I’m now getting back into it and I’m just so tired, a jog will completely wipe me, some basic lifting causes such sore muscles. Is this a phase I just need to work through from being out of shape or is this something to bring to a doctor? I’ve only been back at the gym for 2 weeks but woof it’s so much harder than it used to be.
Commiseration. I’m just getting back to working out after 3 back to back pregnancies and carrying 30 extra pounds. I used to be quite fit so it’s demoralizing. I’m starting slower than my brain tells me to go (eg, doing workouts with bodyweight or very light weights when I used to lift very heavy, using a couch to 5k program to get back into running when I used to run half marathons.) I am capable of lifting much heavier and running longer/faster but feel I’ll burn out if I don’t ease in.
I am going to just keep at it day by day. Trying to trust the process and keep reminding myself it will take time to get back to where I was.
Look at docjenfitness on Insta- it was life changing for me after kids. Her argument is that you have to specifically rehab post-pregnancy, it’s not just jumping back into the normal routine.
It sounds like you may just be out of shape. It takes time to build back up.
+1
I forgot to mention I no longer get the endorphin rush and runners high after a work out. So afterwards I just feel exhausted.
This is funny. I have never once gotten an endorphin rush or a runners high, and I work out regularly. You have to do it for the sake of doing it at some point.
My condolences! I’m not sure I can convince myself to keep working out without the energy boost. I don’t love spending my limited energy on a work out since it basically ruins the rest of my night.
When I’ve worked back from a long layoff, it takes a while before I start feeling good about/after hard physical activity. It happens eventually, and I just keep telling myself that it’ll happen at some point.
It might come back! But yeah, there is a reason why a lot of people hate running. You are very lucky to have never experienced this side of things before. :)
Keep doing what you are doing, building gradually. In my experience, the high returned as my fitness increased and my workouts became more difficult.
You haven’t been back at it very long. IME, it takes quite a long time of regular workouts to feel anything like you’re describing.
The rush will come back (and is the best). Coming back after pregnancy was the same for me. sometimes after veing sick and coming back to running, this happens to me for a few days before I have normal runs, too
I know exactly what you mean. You just have to get through it and it will come back.
+1 to just being out of shape.
Also, if you stopped working out at the start of the pandemic, it’s been basically 5 years (yes, really!)… so age can also be a factor.
Not a reason to avoid the hard stuff, but it’s also ok to honor where you are now as you ramp back up rather than holding yourself to a standard of what you “used to” be able to do.
Correct. This is a phase you need to work through. Running and jogging is hard on the body after a long break. Maybe start with fast walking, and pay attention to your form, posture, and foot position (one foot in front of the other, heel/toe, toes going all the way down.)
Honestly this might be something to bring to a personal trainer for a few sessions, not a doctor. Did you expect you wouldn’t get sore? Go easy on your body and build slowly.
I definitely expected to be sore, but I also expected the energy boost and endorphins which are missing.
Yeah. I never get a rush from working out. But I see the benefits of waking up easier and better everyday movement (so my body is less stiff, my feet don’t ache, etc.)
Depending on the exercises you choose, your posture and walk will improve, too(farmers walks, overhead march, stability exercises.)
If it helps — I get a runner’s high *only* when I run outside! When I run at my gym’s treadmill I don’t get it at all, which is a huge bummer. Maybe try an outside jog and see if that helps?
as one out of shape lady to another: for basic lifting there’s about a two week hump you have to get over where you’re just going to be sore. start really small, it’s easy to injure yourself by lifting too heavy at the beginning.
after you’re over the two week hump start picking up heavier weights and testing your limits.
for other exercise – in my experience the older I’ve gotten (late 40s now) the more time I need to adjust to an exercise, either from an energy perspective or a soreness perspective.
I think it’s a phase, especially if you’re trying to replicate what you were doing 5 years ago. When I re-start lifting, the DOMS is real. I sort of think I just get used to DOMS when I’m consistent at working out.
One thing that seems to help me with less DOMS is to drink electrolytes and EAAs while working out. I also like the taste so perhaps it’s just that I’m drinking more water while working out, which helps. I’m not convinced it’s not a placebo effect, however it’s working even if it is a placebo effect.
One other thing, if you’re not loving the type of workouts you are doing, try other ones. Even within weightlifting, there are such a variety of workouts (endurance, high reps, low reps, hypertrophy, etc). Perhaps you don’t lift weights, but focus on pilates or yoga for a while. On the treadmill, perhaps you don’t jog but you do hikes where you use the incline more. Part of the reason that I love the Peloton app a lot is that they’ve shown me how much variety there is within the general categories of lifting and cardio. Personally when I’m getting back into working out as a habit, I don’t try and optimize my workout as much as just DO it for 20-30 minutes. I do whatever feels best/most interesting/enjoyable.
The pandemic was like five years ago, it’s going to take longer than two weeks.
To be clear I stopped working out about 2 years ago and my office just returned to in person about 6 months ago. I live somewhere with much more conservative health measures.
WHO declared the pandemic over on May 5, 2023. Even if you are being mysteriously pedantic and conservative “during the pandemic” was quite some time ago when you are talking about regularly exercising.
WHO still hasn’t declare the pandemic over: https://www.who.int/europe/emergencies/situations/covid-19
Merci Anon!
You’re “right” of course, and there is zero explanation for why OP is tired after getting back to working out after whatever length of time it has been since they last exercised:
https://www.who.int/news/item/05-05-2023-statement-on-the-fifteenth-meeting-of-the-international-health-regulations-(2005)-emergency-committee-regarding-the-coronavirus-disease-(covid-19)-pandemic?adgroupsurvey=%7Badgroupsurvey%7D&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI4Ojtsdbe_gIVjQRyCh07igt4EAAYASACEgJ9pfD_BwE&fbclid=IwAR2M8EAyiSrAodhK9p-X582nHkP2AigpSX8pYIsLsPwqYh4SG26RGokGe7E
Have you had a physical done with bloodwork? I could’ve posted this question a year ago. Turned out to be iron deficiency (ferritin below 30 — for me, was at an 11). Iron supplements addressed the issue.
My experience is that I have to have a certain level of fitness to be able to get a runner’s high/endorphins from exercise. The absolute grind to get there if I’ve gotten out of shape enough is the worst, but it does come back as my fitness improves. Sharing this so you can have some hope that it’ll get better!
You are doing too much. You have to restart more gradually, less weight, leas running, lower intensity.
If you feel poorly afterwards, you are doing something wrong.
Please help me plan my birthday weekend in NYC later this month. It will be my mom, sister and I. We will see a show at the Majestic Theater. Need recs for a hotel (around $400/night), spa (up to $300/massage), and other things to do.
Are the three of you looking to share a hotel room? Take a look at the Hotel Bellclaire on the Upper West Side. The rooms aren’t very big, but they do have options with two beds, and the location and amenities are great. I had family stay there over Thanksgiving and they loved it.
Klimpton Muse as a hotel.
Great Jones spa is nice – one of the few that has a hot tub, sauna, steam room etc. Although if you get a hotel that has spa services, that might be more relaxing.
I’ve never been but always wanted to go to the Aire Baths
Maybe a history walking tour if you’re into that? Eating tour? For history I think Bowery Boys has been recommended here before; I also have liked Context Travel in other cities.
If you can get tickets to go up into the crown of the Statue of Liberty, that is incredibly cool, although it kills half a day with the security lines.
What do you like to do? There are a million museums and other things to do here but recommendations would depend on what your interests are.
omg the stairs in the statue if liberty. The most claustrophobic experience of my entire life.
Can you let us know some of your interests to make suggestions for what to do? If you like museums but there are 3 current exhibitions ongoing that I am personally excited about and planning to see. Barbie–Cultural Icon at Museum of Arts and Design; Making Home at the Cooper Hewitt (a favorite museum of mine); and Real Clothes Real Live–200 Years of What Women Wore at the NY Historical Society. If shopping is more your thing, several brands I only buy online now have brick and mortar in NY so it is fun to go try things on (ex… Rothys, Me & Em, Buru, Sezane).
Has anyone visited Hot Spring, Arkansas? I’m looking for a spring getaway to somewhere new. I love a little hot springs soaking and hiking. I realize their springs are essentially all inside, so different from places where you’ve out in nature. Any recommendations or experiences?
I did approximately 25 years ago, but my main reason for going was to see a roadside attraction called Educated Animals, now sadly closed. (https://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/6513). My recollection was that the general vibe of the town was more Pidgeon Forge than luxury spa–thus the driving pig attraction–but it was a long time ago.
Hot Springs is not very exciting, honestly. People go down there to go to the lake or to go to the racetrack. There’s minimal hiking. I’d look at the Bentonville area for a more exciting weekend in Arkansas. You can go to Crystal Bridges and Eureka Springs. Lots of hiking in the Ouachita mountains too.
+1 – Crystal Bridges is amazing.
Eureka Springs is a more fun town, and has great history and a ghost tour at the big hotel. I can’t recall if I’ve been to Hot springs, Arkansas, but Eureka Springs is a worthy tourist destination
Cute town but would agree there not necessarily a ton to do. Was not a huge fan of the hot springs given they are indoors but ymmv on the bathhouse experience. A quick trip to the track is cool if you are at all a fan of horseracing.
Do recommend the Origami Sake tour which is outside of town and inexpensive.
Ugh…what’s the best postpartum hemorrhoid treatment?
I just used preparation H. If it’s really bad maybe you should check with your doctor.
I had to get proctofoam HC from my doc.
Call your doctor. The Rx creams are so much more effective than home remedies or OTC creams.
sitz bath
Or even a full bathtub bath, hot water, just soak for 20 minutes while the baby sleeps
Good luck
And ask a doctor if there’s dark red or brown blood in the toilet
I don’t know for very bad hemorrhoids, but as maintenance, I use witch hazel on toilet paper to clean up after BMs. Witch hazel is basically the active ingredient in Preparation H. You just have to be careful you get pure witch hazel – there are facial toners with witch hazel in them, but I don’t know what else is in them.
Preparation H is definitely not just witch hazel. I don’t even think it has witch hazel at all? It’s Phenylephrine HCl and sometimes hydrocortisone. For me witch hazel did nothing and Preparation H made my life so much better.
Nalax hemorrhoid ice packs.
And also, when you’re in the shower, gently push the ‘roid back in. The pain comes from having it out and constricted.
Where do people advertise secretarial jobs these days? I tried Indeed back in 2021-2022 but I feel like it pulled up a lot of non-qualified applicants. Is Ziprecruiter any better? Any other ideas?
LinkedIn. Like everything.
People around me post on indeed, but honestly there just aren’t skilled secretaries anymore because the wages are so bad the ones who are actually good at their jobs get pulled up to be office managers, controllers etc.
LinkedIn. Make sure the job description is clear on the roles and responsibilities. Include whether it is fully remote, hybrid or completely on-site and the hours, if applicable.
If you set it up via EasyApply on LinkedIn, be prepared to be slammed with tons of resumes. If possible, set if up so that the job post does to the listing on your company site.
Include a salary range. When I was job searching, that was one of the easiest ways for me to identify whether or not I wanted to apply. It’s a waste of time to start the process only to find out the salary is not what I need.
I’m thinking about yesterday‘s post where reaching out to a casual acquaintance resulted in crickets. I think part of the reason that can feel hurtful these days (to not even get a quick acknowledgment) is because so many people are glued to their phones for upwards of eight hours a day. When they claim they can’t spend four seconds to say “that would be great!” it can feel hurtful. It’s all the more clear that they just don’t consider you a priority whereas 20 years ago, it would take a call or something more substantial to make plans and it was easier to understand it sometimes took time for that to happen. You didn’t get that instant proof that they just don’t care about you. Of course you should still allow room for people to simply forget to respond, but when it happens repeatedly with the same people, the message is clear.
At this time of year things are so busy though. I’m pretty on top of personal email but things fall through the cracks at the holidays. I think it’s weird to assume the friend is ghosting her.
You have to choose your medium, email is not something I look at. My friends text me, they don’t email me. JCrew emails me.
Agree. My friends also don’t LinkedIn me. Recruiters and “data science” MBAs do.
Eh this isn’t really fair, it takes a lot of emotional energy for me to craft an email to send to my aunt/friend/cousin whatever. I need so sit down for like 15 minutes and get the right polite phrasing and suss out any potential knock on effects of word choice. I can comment here in 30 seconds because if I make a whoopsie there are no consequences.
I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but “hey would you want to get together” kind of does put a lot in the person. Does she just say sure and then prepare to discuss where and when, she needs her calendar and what did her husband say about working late on Wednesday…she forgets. Does she suggest a time and place? Does she explain that her kid is sick this week so maybe next week but next week she’s probably swapped with work because her kid is sick now?
I tend to reach out like “hey I’m going for coffee at sweet coffee cafe on Tuesday morning, would you like to join?” That gives the person an easy out, “sorry-can’t make it” and an easy in if they’re down and if they really want to get together they can suggest something else.
I agree! I hate open ended suggestions it feels like I’m being forced to plan, figure out logistics, and reply with a whole life story. An invite for a specific activity, place, and time is so much easier, plus nearly guaranteed to get a yes or a suggestion for a different time.
This. I have enough going on scheduling time with my actual, existing friends. I have no desire to get into a long back and forth about time and place etc with someone not already in my circle. If you want to see me or get together, a “hi, I’ll be by your office for a work thing next Wednesday, any chance you’d be free for a coffee at X or Y time” is something I’ll actually respond to and try to make work.
Agree agree agree with all of this. A specific suggestion of something you’re already doing that you can invite friends to is the best type of invitation.
I think specific asks are good too because lots of people say we should get together and never really mean to.
Also, making one request that isn’t returned isn’t reflective of a friendship. I have several friends I reach out to periodically or who reach out to me and we say let’s get together soon with genuine intention but life gets in the way and it gets put on hold. I don’t assume they never want to be friends with me again based on that. Maybe what the OP should do is start an email exchange with no request to hang out and just ask how things are going with her friend and let them know they’re thinking of them. That may be all the person can give at this time. Or maybe they don’t want to be friends with them and that’s ok too.
Yeah, I either reply right away or never.
If the message came through while I was too occupied to check my availability and message back and forth about the other person’s location and schedule, it’s not going to be right away. Even if I think it’s a great idea and very much want to engage, by the time I am free to respond, it probably fell below dozens of other pings and I forget to reply. Now I think it’s embarrassingly too long so I feel guilty for being silent and awkward about replying, so I do nothing.
If that long-lost friend were to reach out again with specifics I would be much more likely to affirm the get together. “Life is busy but I loved chatting at Gabby’s bridal shower. I will be in your neighborhood next Saturday. Would you like to grab coffee at the corner shop at 9am that day? If something else works better, lmk!”
This is a great point. I saw a friend a few days ago and she said, “I just signed up for a class at the Senior Center (OMG I know — we’re OLD!) — wanna join?” And believe it or not I said “yes!” Just reach out with something specific and if that specific thing doesn’t work out, maybe the next one will.
I also like suggesting a specific thing because their response gives a clear indication about how they feel about hanging out. If the response is “yes” or “sorry that doesn’t work, but how about XYZ instead?” they’re interested in pursing a friendship. If the response is just “sorry that doesn’t work for me” you know to stop reaching out. It’s much less ambiguous than if you offer a vague “let’s get together sometime” and they say “sure” and then you don’t really know how hard to push on specific plans.
I’m getting so darn tired of being so available. I don’t check my personal email often and I typically keep my phone in another room. I realized I needed a break when I started muttering “f*** you” every time a text came in. I’m tired. I don’t want to talk. Sorry.
I also mutter eff you when I get a text I hate being constantly available. I’m one of those weirdos who will not use my phone on vacation. There should be an OOO option for texts.
A lot of adults prefer the company of their phones to the company of other humans. Phones are designed to be addictive. They deliver a higher and more consistent dopamine hit than humans.
View those people as addicts and don’t take it personally. People “get” that alcoholics will pick the booze over them — this is the same thing on a mass scale, but it’s just not societally acceptable to say it yet.
I will give you my own example. I ran into an old friend at a restaurant/bar/live band kind of situation in mid-August. She’s a mom friend from when our kids were younger. She and I mainly used to hang out with each other at our kids’ sporting events, even traveling to out of town stuff together.
But our kids went off to separate colleges and aren’t really friends anymore beyond the happy birthday messages on Instagram.
Even so, I really liked this woman and would love to get together with her. So when I ran into her, we hung out at the bar for about and hour and she suggested we get together in a month or so. I was enthusiastic. Then she never contacted me again.
She didn’t mean it. If she wanted to get together any time in the last few years we haven’t run into each other randomly, she would have done so. But she didn’t. And I didn’t either, really.
Sometimes that’s the level of friendship you have with someone. You run into them randomly and have a great catch-up chat and that’s it. You don’t have lunch together once a month. You don’t actually keep in touch despite promising to keep in touch. It is what it is.
In my example. I don’t hate this woman. I would be glad to run into her again and catch up again. I just accept that we are not besties.
But what if you had said “ Thats a great idea. How about Friday the 25th at 6pm at Joes Bistro on 6th Ave. “ All she had to say was ok. Maybe she would have bailed the morning of but vague plans = no plans.
I hear this, but also, the fact that I’m “on my phone” doesn’t mean that I’m available to respond to someone else’s request for my attention. I could be occupied doing something else absorbing (editing photos, reading-not just scrolling), or I could just be zoning out and taking a break while looking at pretty pictures or mindless stuff. Sometimes people just need time to let their mind wander and not be accountable to responding to other people’s bids for attention. It’s about headspace more than what I’m looking at/holding in my hand. Expectations of constant availability irk me.
Sending “that would be great!” might take 4 seconds. It could be a place holder that at least signals the intent to get together, but that response doesn’t actually accomplish the goal of making plans. Actually moving the ball forward takes more effort.
sigh….
honestly, people are just less considerate and more self absorbed these days.
sad, but true
What about this merits a “sigh…..”? What about this is self-absorbed? Expecting people to be constantly available just because technology can enable it is not considerate.
Amen sister.
I replied to your post late yesterday – just saying, in case you haven’t looked.
After dealing with a lot of questions like yours over the past couple of years with a mix of both close friends and friendly acquaintances, I adopted the position that people are more overwhelmed these days than they show, and even maybe than they realize. It doesn’t solve the problem of how to stay connected, but it helped me feel better and stop taking it personally when stuff like this happens. It allowed me to start paying closer attention and respond to signals of actual availability, without the expectation that will help me predict or control the future. This is not ideal, I know, but I feel like I’m adjusting to what’s happening around me, rather than secretly suspect there’s something wrong or missing with me. YMMV and this is commiseration, not advice…
Can anyone recommend a great travel journal for kids?
What are you looking for that a blank notebook would not provide?
I can’t even guess what a travel journal for adults might entail, much less one for kids. Are you thinking something like Wreck This Journal Everywhere?
My kids like this one: https://amzn.to/4gDLoBn
I also highly recommend getting some kids books about the destination out of the library, especially for international trips. It makes for a much richer travel experience if they have a little context.
I do this! Except I find murder mysteries set in the country/locale that I’m visiting. They’re always awful, but still enjoyable.
Yeah for my kids I usually get some travel-themed kids books that introduce the language, culture and significant landmarks, but for myself I tend to read fiction set in the country, plus a few non-fiction books about the history of the country if it’s a place we weren’t taught that much about in school (i.e., pretty much everywhere that’s not Western Europe).
Long shot, but my brother is entering a 30-day program at one of these facilities. I understand he has to go no contact. I’m in a different state. If I send him letters or care packages, will they reach him? The facility hasn’t returned my call.
Thanks!
Sadly, I also have experience with a loved one who went to RCA. He wasn’t allowed to have his phone, but he was able to call us on two specific days a week. Letters would definitely have been allowed, but all rehabs seem to frown on packages. More work for the staff but also, the patient is somewhat being encouraged to work on themselves, not focus on material items or food gifts. I don’t think we were allowed to send any packages unless they forgot footwear or underwear or something. Good luck, my experience is 30 days rarely is sufficient, I hope the family is consider after care sober living options.
OP: Thank you so much for this! I had wanted to send him books — that’s my love language. Thanks for the warning!
Usually it’s no contact at all for some period of time and then letters/care packages thereafter. You’ll just have to wait and hear from the facility. Good luck to your brother and family.
A relative has been in and out of similar programs (not this facility), and he has always received packages I’ve sent. In the places he’s been, they always open/review the package contents before giving them to him — you may want to see if the website lists approved/prohibited items.
If he has to go no contact, I’d assume that’s for good reason, so please do your best not to contact him. You don’t need to send him anything.
I have nothing to add but my well wishes. My sister spent October in an inpatient facility for mental health issues, then spent November-December in rehab for alcohol, then two weeks in a sober living facility where (a) had to miss Christmas with the extended family because of the strict house rules and b) she woke up with a roommate OD-ing on heroin the day after Christmas. My sister is bipolar and uses alcohol to self medicate; she is a hot mess express in her own right but she was not prepared for that. She ended up leaving the sober living facility and moving in with my mom, which is a $hit$show unto itself. Six months ago she was sober, living in an apartment with her dog and a full time professional job.
Oh! I have a helpful tip. In my sister’s facilities they can’t have anything with a cord, so I sent her an MP3 player pre loaded with music with wireless earbuds. i would have sent books but she cannot focus. For Christmas I gave her some YA books (she’s almost 40 but they were fun fluff that I thought she might have the attention span for- like the Twilight series type stuff).
When do your kids go to bed, and how old are they?
Meant to post this on Moms site, sorry
School starts at 8am, bus comes at 7:20.
My 3rd grader gets up at 6:30, my 1st grader gets up at 6:35, and my 5th grader is dragged out of bed at 6:58. On nights my kids have late activities, we drive them instead of the bus and they get an extra 20 minutes of sleep.
13 year old goes to bed at 10 (9:30 reading in room, lights out at 10); 10 year old goes to bed at 9:30 (9:00 reading in room, 9:30 lights out). Both get up at 7 am.
9 pm for both my 11 year old and my 14 year old (he prefers to do his homework at 5 am…). They are definitely outliers for their friends, all of whom stay up quite a bit later.
2nd and 4th. Bedtime is 7:30 on school nights, 8ish with more flexibility otherwise. We need to get up at 6:30 to make the bus, 7 if someone drives them.
It’s very very early compared to their peers, but (1) they usually stay up past the nominal bedtime anyway and (2) spouse and I have observed that they struggle to get up for school when we’ve tried later bedtimes.
Similar ages, also 7:30pm bedtime. They usually wake naturally at 6am, but sometimes sleep in a bit, which isn’t a problem since the regular wakeup time is earlier than necessary.
My 6 year old goes to bed at 8pm.
Jeopardy comes on at 7:30.
Ideally the 3rd and 4th grader have started and finished bath or shower and can both watch Final Jeopardy with me, and then get a tuck in and story and I leave their room by 8:35pm
Honestly it can be a lot later. They have VERY early mornings like out of bed by 6am. If mornings are not good… bedtime is at least 30 minutes earlier that night and a lot stricter
A little older than 2, and around 7 pm.
Almost 1 year old goes to bed between 7 and 8, is up for the day between 6:30 and 7:30.
11 y/o goes to bed 9:30-10
we “start the process” (brush bath reading) around 8 for my 7yo and they fall asleep anytime between 8:30-9:30 usually. Wake up between 7-7:30. Bus comes at 8:20.
What kind of shampoo, conditioner and body wash do you leave in your guest bathroom shower (for overnight guests)?
The same kind I use which is Carina organics. I’m sure my guest don’t looove it because the lack of artificial scents, silicones and sulphates is very different from most commercial products but I also don’t want my house smelling weird and I like being able to just order things for my guest room when I order stuff for me. I’m a bad host.
Tbh I don’t know anyone who uses shampoo with sulphates or silicones so I think you’re fine
I purposely use shampoo with sulfates because it’s the only way to prevent greasy hair.
Drug store stuff. I don’t have guests very often. No reason to let the expensive stuff sit and collect dust. I leave Tressemme (sp?) shampoo and conditioner, Dove body wash, and two face washes – a gritty Olay and a smooth/foaming Cerave.
That said, the litter box is in the guest bathroom (which I refer to as the kitty bathroom), so I offer to close friends that they can use my shower if they want. I’m single and live in an apartment.
Same — drugstore stuff. I figure if they’re picky they’ll bring their own.
And I move the cat box when I have guests (more for the shy kitties’ sake than for the guests).
I have a big basket of samples/hotel minis. There’s lots to choose from in there.
I love this tradition.
Ooh! Good idea! Although there are fewer and fewer small bottles these days as hotels go to big wall-mounted bottles. Which I am actually all for because I hate all that plastic waste.
+1 I don’t know the last time I saw a small plastic bottle in a hotel.
Same things I use, currently Olaplex shampoo and conditioner. Also always a nice shower gel, currently salt and stone. I like my guests to have a nice experience and to know they don’t have to schlep their own good products when they come.
PS – it’s also an easy way to make sure I don’t run out of my own products, there’s always a second set in the guest bathroom
Whatever I got from a subscription box that I can’t use or am not currently using. Or, my auto subscription sent me new stuff before I used up the old stuff so the new stuff lives in the guest bathroom until I need it. Before either of those things were issues, I snagged extras from hotel stays.
I go for what is “normal” not for oily or dry hair or scalp or whatever is special. I just assume my guests are normal
I don’t have a 2nd bathroom so guests just use whatever I’m using. Most of my guests are female friends/family and they all bring their hair products anyway so that’s never been an issue. And I typically use Dove body wash.
Same here. Our house has one bathroom and we don’t host often; guests are usually very informal (hubby’s college buddy once a year, daughter’s BF on college break, etc.). They can use what we have or bring their own, just pls don’t camp for hours b/c everyone else needs a turn, too.
Pantene, which is also what I use.
I cycle products like this, and sometimes make unnecessary K beauty purchases, so I pretty much always have some spare shampoo and conditioner on hand. I just make sure to leave out something that’s not medicated! All of mine are on the nicer side since my hair is easy to dry out or weigh down (so no 2-in-1 Pantene or anything, but I’m not ashamed of Kirkland either).
My favorite body wash is just Suave (I like the milk and honey one), but my husband prefers Dr. Bronner’s or similar. I was wondering how I felt about all the Dr. Bronner’s copypasta re. guests last time I got real Dr. Bronner’s when Walmart stopped carrying the Equate knockoff.
Laughs in Bay Area at the idea of not only having a guest room but also a dedicated guest bathroom!
If I were the guest I’d be fine with grocery store brands. I’d feel bad using up your expensive stuff. If my hair or body has specific needs I’d be bringing my own products anyway. So Dove and Pantene are your best bets here, I think.
Lots of DINKs in HCOL areas live in 2 bed 2 baths. It’s nice to have a home office and be able to use a different toilet when your partner is taking a super long shower.
It is nice, but it definitely costs more.
I live in a 2 1/2 bath Bay Area house but we also have five adults living here. There is no dedicated guest space anywhere!
Whatever I have in my stash of little hotel shampoos and soaps from back when I traveled a ton for work and housekeeping left new ones every day.
Those days are ending in a lot of places now. I just saw in new 2025 regulations banning them in New York and Illinois and other places:https://nypost.com/2025/01/02/lifestyle/ny-hotels-are-banned-from-offering-these-items-in-2025/
I like the idea of being more environmentally friendly, but I HATE the wall dispensers at hotels. I’ve had too many experiences where they were clearly filled at some point with the wrong type (shampoo/conditioner/soap) and I kind of have a paranoia that someone could tamper with them as a prank.
Suuuuuper gross but I saw an internet post about men, uh, self-pleasuring and putting the end result in the conditioner bottle, and I haven’t looked at them the same way since. I know the post was probably fake/a joke but I think about it every time I have to use conditioner from those bottles!
Suave in the most neutral scent I can find. Nothing works as well as Suave. I’d still use it every day if I didn’t color my hair.
Aveda sample size shampoo, conditioner, and leave in conditioner. I have precisely one friend or family member without processed hair.
Any suggestions for a good bag for use during the day on work trips? I have upcoming travel this year to look a vendor operations (so will be walking a lot during the day). I’m looking for something that can hold a small laptop, notebook, and water bottle that won’t feel too large or awkward. Appreciate any suggestions!
I like my Dagne Dover Dakota backpack for this.
I have the TravelPro X Travel & Leisure slip backpack for work trips. It’s slim, but still holds a lot (and would definitely hold all of the things that you described). I have the white sand color and I got mine at a department store.
https://travelpro.com/products/travelpro-x-travel-leisure-slim-backpack
Slim* not slip
If this works for your industry looks-wise, I have this as my work backpack and I love it. Has a trolley strap, so good for travel. 2 larger pockets, 2 front pocket, laptop sleeve, 2 water bottle holders. Cute and on-trend. I’ve only had it for a few months, but seems to be holding up well to daily commuting. https://www.amazon.com/BAGSMAT-Backpack-Quilted-Computer-Water-Resistant/dp/B0DDBRKYS2/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.qIoKAl9HF9Uj-kmtjGNyRbXydmW9y2CUZmZ1IWYsxlfHksh3xEwbe-4vpkvac4tOtwcNfVAAW1d1Mmq5wY16UYHVJa4gA6jstssagZDKqE0VwQ5S-dDTk9iSvur3W65qlpYovrtvw5KHCnQJYpXSOxHjgJrSwpHu38b2mkNlPsa0DEEQWvF9plzj3YDMgXOy-9WUS383mjkehp_NVtRrmZ_OzvpdN4aY8UPVLlid5khYn_xtQkPHQDCoqxJzArfiWr1Xk0DYP8fBPteMfYq8FapNwnsr_jysst7wymrv1-c.4D2GNcQVigRS6jlVf-WgbKp3eL8_c5CruvnXoELwkck&dib_tag=se&keywords=puffer%2Bbackpack&qid=1735927253&sr=8-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1
I love my Tumi laptop tote. Expensive, but but a workhorse, and the nylon material still looks like new several years later. Very professional looking, too.
i like to do a frozen meal prep every few weeks so i have lunch (soup, veggie lasagna…) i was thinking about doing a mexican style one with cauliflower rice. am i better off cooking frozen cauliflower rice and then refreezing it or essentially breaking frozen cauliflower rice, putting it on the bottom of the casseroles frozen, put the meat etc on top and then freeze. or are neither of these a good idea?
I’ve nuked frozen cauliflower rice, mixed with other ingredients (rice, beef) and frozen and thought it was fine. cauliflower rice is pretty forgiving.
Frozen cauliflower rice has always been super watery for me; I prefer the shelf-stable packages to eliminate that excess water.
wait?what! this is a thing? does it come in a can, a bag…. i’m fascinated….
i’ve seen them at trader joe’s and costco, but not in a while – pouches. i always thought they had a weird aftertaste.
I just press the extra water out of the frozen cauliflower rice with a spoon while draining it in the colander.
Can you get fresh riced cauliflower to cook and then freeze? The texture is a bit better for me.
Cook the cauliflower rice separately from frozen on the day you eat the meal.
This
I need some reassurance that I was not an AH because my family won’t stop harping on it. DH and I visited New Zealand for 2 weeks in 2024. We had a completely packed schedule of outdoorsy, bucket list activities. My mom has had a pen pal for over 65 years who lives in New Zealand. He visited her once when I was a baby; that’s the only time they’ve met in person. I have not had any other contact with this man. He didn’t live anywhere near the areas where we were spending time, though we did drive through his town on a 5-hour driving day to get to a famous scuba diving location (which was the main reason we were even on the island where he lives). He lives about 3 hours one way from where we stayed.
My mom really wanted me to meet up with her friend. I said we could at most have lunch with him on our long driving day. She said he would be very offended by that, he would want to show us around his town, host us in his home, spend several days at a minimum with us. I told her that’s very nice but we dont have enough time to do everything we want to do, and I don’t necessarily plan to return to NZ (it was lovely, I just have a long travel list!) we’re not taking a couple of days out of our schedule to hang out with an 80-something year old stranger.
She and other family members spent most of Christmas berating us for traveling all the way to the other side of the world and not even visiting her friend. I really don’t think I’m an AH here but I was surprised that other family members chimed that I should’ve visited her friend. Am I missing something?
You were not the AH. Is your mom the family matriarch, where everyone does what she says? Seems like that’s the only reason people are siding with her because they know there will be hell to pay if they don’t.
Not really, the other family members (siblings, mostly) usually call her out on her unreasonable expectations, which is why I was surprised they sided with her. And in fairness, I do think it’s cool to connect with a local when possible. I’m definitely not staying in a strange man’s house or spending days in a row with him though. Heck I don’t even spend days in a row with my own mother.
I suspect that she’s using her friend as a proxy for laying on additional guilt about me not spending more time with her. Which… gee, the perfect way to get me to spend time with you is to call me selfish and rude the entire time I’m with you! Two christmases ago, I left her house in tears on Christmas Day because she wouldn’t stop laying into me. We did not spend last Christmas with them. This year was supposed to be a reunification of sorts, but I think we’ll be spending future Christmases at home. It’s very sad, because mom is in her 80s and I don’t know how many years I have left with her, but unfortunately I think this might’ve been my last Christmas with her.
Are we siblings? My mother would like me to meet up with her sixth cousin twice removed when I fly in to a random Midwestern capitol for a day WORK trip. She has a history of centering herself in every story and situation. If I am being charitable, I guess I can see it as trying to remain relevant in my life. My charitable thinking does not extend to actually meeting up with the relative. There are simply a million other ways I’d rather spend my time.
NTAH!! lunch would have been generous.
Those family members are insane. You have limited time on an extremely expensive trip and the guy is a total stranger to you. Your mother is welcome to fly to New Zealand if she thinks it’s so important to meet in person.
spend several days with him? Oh no. The lunch offer on your long driving day was generous. None of your family members would have spent days with your fake great uncle in NZ.
You’re completely in the right. I would ignore the subject from now on, and if your mom or someone else brings it up, firmly say “we’re done talking about this”.
I’ll say that you were probably an AH. I think that’s fine, but you were clearly prioritizing your own bucket list over doing something that would have helped continue a connection your mom has spent a lifetime maintaining–and you know this.
Again, that’s fine, but own it. “Yes, I get I was an AH, but this was a trip for me, not a an opportunity for me to be a proxy for mom’s friendship.” You could have made two 80 year olds happy. You chose not to.
Don’t pretend you it was anything other than a choice you made.
Your view point really is not healthy and it’s how women get taken advantage of.
The OP is free to make her own choices. Doing things for others doesn’t make you a victim. Understanding when you choose not to (and that other people might have feelings about that) and owning your choices is fine and perfectly healthy.
Sorry, sacrificing most of a planned trip to make two 80 year olds happy is bonkers. Why would they only be happy if OP spent several days with him? Why was a lunch not enough to make them happy? The mom comes off as unreasonably demanding. (We don’t know enough about the old gentleman since he didn’t weigh in.)
I do appreciate your ability to drum up a conversation on a quiet Friday – otherwise known as trolling.
I don’t think I saw anything here about being a victim. But that word is getting so overused by AHs on the internet (that’s you) that it lost all meaning.
Prioritizing your own bucket list over doing something to make your mother happy–but not harming her or her connection to this man in any way–does not make you an asshole.
Sure. But it’s also not really “village” behavior, is it?
Exactly.
But he’s not part of her village. If mom had been with them, it would be different. OP doesn’t know this man.
Her mom is, and this is a kindness to her mom.
I appreciate the different perspective. I think this is probably where they’re all coming from and it’s helpful to be able to understand that. I do really admire that they’ve kept in touch for a literal lifetime.
I didn’t put this in the OG but in case it moves the dial – DH was very very opposed to meeting with my mom’s friend at all. I had to lean on him a little to get him to agree to lunch (but only if it would fit into our plans). It’s his vacation too. I never mentioned this to my family because I’m not throwing my husband under the bus. If I’d been traveling alone I probably would’ve spent like an afternoon with the guy (in public), but I definitely wouldn’t have gone to his house or spent days on end with him.
I’m with your husband. This is your mom’s friend, not yours, and I think it’s insane to do more than a lunch. And I don’t even think that’s mandatory!
I’m with your husband on this one. The only reason I *might* consider stopping is if mom had something for us to deliver to him in-person, and even then I would suggest she just ship it b/c no way am I making room in my luggage.
Also, while I don’t know your mom, I would be very suspicious that the guy himself was not actually interested in spending this much time with you two. Like, is your mom trying to make fetch happen and if you went along with her, would all three of you end up spending a really awkward few days together and be relieved to have it done?
Yea, that was my immediate thought re this guy actually doesn’t care. I bet he would have been happy with lunch.
This. Give her the afternoon with her friend, at least. This reunion has been 65 years in the making.
Mom was not on the trip. It was just me and my husband.
That’s what is weird to me about it. Your mom is using you as her proxy, as if you meeting with this 80 year old man is the same as her doing so. It’s not. Time for everyone to get real here. You are not your mom, and the 80 year old man you’ve met once in your life knows that too.
This is an insane take, congratulations
If it were important then they would have accepted a lunch.
Just because you can do something to make other people happy, doesn’t mean you should do it.
Can I buy a needlepoint pillow with the phrase.
Of course OP got to make a choice, and of course she could have chosen otherwise, but she came here for a sanity check because her family is giving her a hard time about her choice.
If these two 80 year olds were able to maintain a relationship over 65 years while only meeting in person once, it doesn’t seem like one of their kids changing vacation plans should make a material difference to their level of happiness? To a level that justifies the behavior OP is reporting from her family?
Yikes. What I’m taking away is that families may have very different rules around stuff like this, and then we as individuals get to make choices about whether to buy into the rules, or incur the cost of not buying in…
If you had refused to consider any contact despite driving through his town, that would make you a bit of an AH. But lunch sounded like a great suggestion, and it seems wild that you would have been expected to spend days together.
A mea culpa: The first time I read this I thought you were a bit of the AH because I assumed your mom was *there* and you were depriving *her* of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see her friend in the name of the busy itinerary. But on re-reading I’m seeing that it was just you and your husband, and you’re DEFINITELY NTAH. This is crazy.
In my family not even doing the lunch would be wildly hurtful. Part of it is that the level of investment the stranger on the other side of the world has in me is very high, even if I don’t know the person, because I am a large of part of what my family member was talking about all those years. Part of it is that older people in my family never got to do the traveling they deeply wanted to before health and financial obstacles arose, and I think my ability to travel created opportunities to vicariously strengthen their connections with people they had always wanted to visit on trips they always wanted to take? In my family culture, part of respecting elders is taking time to help them feel connected even as their own lives become more limited.
Hosting and spending several days seems like a lot of pressure though and is a level of vicariousness I would also want to push back on.
She was not given the option of adding in a 6 hour round trip drive to have lunch. Her mom only gave the option of spending several days with him, or being berated as a terrible daughter.
Those were the options as presented by her mom, but part of the question was about the perspective of other relatives. I doubt the other relatives would have responded the same way if she’d seen the friend but not spent several days with him?
NTA. My parents have friends all over the world. The way I handle it is to offer up something like a lunch if it works for me. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to make it happen, it’s their relationships not mine.
This. When your friends travel in your home state, does your mom expect them to devote days to her company? You have your friends and your mom has hers. You are your own person, not an extension of your mom.
No, but she has definitely hosted them before. But not with demanding expectations.
NTA
This is exactly the kind of thing my mom would do during the next holiday AND my aunt and sister (bless) would make sympathetic noises and comments because everything just runs more smoothly if my mom is mollified. But my mom would (probably) stop mentioning it after a while once she fixated on some other family drama. When I got married, she crabbed about how I didn’t meet up with my aunt and uncle during the honeymoon (we happened to be on the same island but hello? honeymoon). In our most recent visit, the grumping is about how a relative had the audacity to get sick even though she was a guest at my sister’s house. It’s always something.
You’re not the AH. Lunch would have been a reasonable thing to do, but if the choices were no visit or extremely long visit, I would have made the same choice. She’s had years and years to visit New Zealand, so picking on you is just unreasonable.
Idk, I think you’re kind of an AH. This man’s been in your mom’s life for 65 years and is nearing the end of his life? And you prioritized tourist activities over spending a day with him?
You obviously have the right to do whatever you want, but you picked a more self-centered, less open-handed option. Maybe that was the right choice for you. But I don’t think they’re ridiculous for being hurt by your choice.
Sorry, I missed “several days.” That’s absurd. But lunch + an afternoon being shown around his town is more what I’d think of as normal in my family.
I can see why you made the choices you made, and they’re valid, but I think you lost out by not having lunch with this guy and letting him show you the town. I realize that you don’t know this guy, but if it were important to my mom, I would have done it, especially given the long period over which they’ve maintained a connection. Truly, experiences like this can make travel richer!
The mom has met this man ONCE!
I could understand this take if this was like, the mom’s childhood best friend or something. But even the mom doesn’t really have that close a connection to him, let alone the daughter.
People have meaningful relationships via correspondence. Even a lot of in-person friends mostly stay in touch by talking. Words are words.
Ok so then the mom can go to New Zealand to meet him?
My parents are professors who have friends and friendly acquaintances all over the globe, and I’ve never once met any of their friends while traveling. I can see why her mom would want them to meet, given the longstanding relationship and the fact that New Zealand is a once-in-a-lifetime trip for most people. But OP agreed to meet him for lunch! It’s super weird to me that OP’s mom thinks that’s insufficient and she needs to meet him for “several days.” Lunch seems like plenty. People are busy! My close, local friends and I feel like we’re doing well if we can see each other for lunch once a month. Spending days on end with someone I’ve never met and my mom has only a correspondence relationship with is truly unimaginable to me. Does this guy even want to spend that much time with OP?? Somehow I kind of doubt it.
65 years of pen palling is way more of a close connection than I have with many of my friends.
And again…you have the opportunity to make two octogenarians happy and you pick scuba diving? I mean, it’s a valid choice that you can make. It’s just not a very big-hearted one.
I would bet all my savings that OPs mom would never do something so selfless
I don’t even think it’s selfless? Doing acts of love for family is a source of joy for most people…
This is a wild take. We all choose our own lives over things that could “make two octogenarians happy” every single day and no one’s calling us AHs. They’re old so therefore OP should divert multiple days from what I’m sure is a very expensive bucket list trip? She doesn’t even know this person. It’s not her pen pal.
I would have been delighted to meet my mom’s pen pal of decades for lunch. I would have really looked forward to this, and my feelings would have been hurt if my husband thought it was a waste of time to meet a long time family friend of my family’s.
On the other hand, I also would have confidently ignored my mom’s insistence that lunch is not be enough, because I think that’s silly, and if this friend of hers really were offended, I feel that’s between him and me since I’m the one who was actually there.
It sounds like OP has a different relationship with her mom that maybe made this more complicated (especially when it comes to guilt tripping).
Yeah, anon @3:02, I think doing an act of kindness for my mother and one of her longest-standing friends is more important than going scuba diving. And I don’t even really get along with my mom!!
I do agree that the “multiple days” part is loony. But lunch and having him show her around town (aka, actual time together, not just “we have to get lunch somewhere”)? That would be a kind, warm-hearted thing to do.
You seem to be looking at this from the perspective of what the bare minimum OP needs to do is. I guess I just don’t think that’s the right framework for loving family dynamics? It would be a joy to bring joy to two elderly folks in my life. And I’m a grinch!!!
I’d feel very differently if OP was estranged from her mother, etc.
NTA. Good grief, I have met up with my OWN foreign (internet) pen pals and only had time for a lunch! I think you are being more than reasonable here.
Yeah this is what is nuts to me – I have a friend from summer camp that lives in Seattle that I have kept in touch with for 20+ years. When I and my extended family visited Seattle, I didn’t find time to go see her, and she was not offended. Similarly, I do not get hurt when people I know–let alone people my parents know–come to NYC for a day or two and don’t make time to see me. People have busy lives!
NTA. But my mother is like your mother and her thinking is that she (1) wants her lifelong friend who hasn’t seen you since you were a baby to see you in person and be able to dote on you and (2) she wishes it were her and that’s how SHE would do things.
You did the right thing by offering the middle ground of lunch. Perhaps the other family members chiming in were thinking lunch was the appropriate option, or possibly that they were thinking it would be really awesome to have a local guide and that you were crazy for not taking that opportunity, not really knowing or understanding the extent of your existing plans.
Anyway, not your problem.
NTA. Your family is being ridiculous. Your mom can go to NZ to visit him herself.
Stop engaging with your mom about this.
I’m getting big “do it my way or you’re wrong” vibes here. Her demand was over the top for someone whines limited days in a country. Lunch would have been nice, but it wouldn’t have solved the Mom problem. If you had done lunch she would have bitched about not staying with him for days.
Feel free to outright ignore “my way or the highway” demands in the future. Mom needs to learn to have a genuinely two sided conversation instead of making demands.
NTA. Go in peace whilst studiously ignoring over the top demands.
You are not the asshole — this was your trip, not your mother’s. Had this gentleman been living in some town where you spent the night, perhaps you could have invited him for a drink or dinner, but you were under no obligation to socialize with your mother’s pen pal “for” her. She might have written to him that you were traveling there, and so was upset that you didn’t reach out to him, but I have been on the receiving end of such communications (a friend told me her brother and sister in law were passing through my town, but they never contacted me), and it wasn’t a big deal.
I have a good friend who is traveling in NZ right now with his wife; I offered to “e-introduce” him to a professional colleague I have been working with there (who seems like he’d be a lot of fun, could perhaps meet for a drink, make restaurant recommendations), but his response was that he and his wife are enjoying social isolation. That’s as good a reason as any not to vary from their travel plans.
I don’t think you’re the AH for not spending multiple days with this guy, but I do think you probably missed out on a great opportunity to meet an important lifelong companion of your mother’s and have a special experience with a local. I think you should’ve at least done lunch and played by ear whether you wanted to spend an afternoon with him or continue the drive.
I actually was in a very similar situation. DH and I planned a once in a lifetime 2 week trip to Australia for our honeymoon. My dad has a contingent of cousins who I’ve never met that immigrated from their home country to Australia at the same time my Dad immigrated to the US. He hadn’t seen them in probably 50 years, but they grew up together. DH was not thrilled about taking time out of our honeymoon to meet up with them, but he went along because he knew it was important to my Dad and me. Turns out, my Dad’s cousins’ kids were all around the same age as us and they took us on a fabulous tour of Sydney and on a yacht trip around Sydney harbor that ended up being the highlight of our trip. All of this was unexpected as we had no idea of the plans or who exactly we would be meeting, other than a phone number of my dad’s cousins to call.
I’ve noticed so many people are becoming more self centered to the detriment of connection and community. These broader relationships can be very enriching beyond checking off the tourist, bucket list items.
I do think that multiple days was too much too ask, but pushing back to just lunch would’ve been nice.
Meeting up with extended family in my view is a bit different from meeting up with your mother’s pen pal. At this point, what’s done is done, and there is nothing to be gained by mom harping on daughter for failing to divert from her honeymoon and to go way out of her way and eat up several days just to meet up with the pen pal. There was no right/wrong answer here, it’s highly dependent on the individual circumstance, but, generally speaking, we don’t begrudge newlyweds spending one-on-one time during a honeymoon to the exclusion of others. We also don’t begrudge people skipping social events while on business travel. Just because you are on the same continent as someone with whom you are loosely affiliated does not mean you must take extreme measures to arrange to meet with them, to the detriment of the original purpose of your travel there.
Agree that OP’s Mom should not guilt trip or harp on her, and the ask of multiple days was too much of an imposition, but just saying OP may have passed up an opportunity for a cool interaction with a local connection who could’ve shown her some unique sights. Who knows. Just sharing my experience that being open to these types of interactions can sometimes be surprisingly enriching.
She offered lunch though. I agree that meeting a local can be an enriching experience, but she offered to have lunch with him and her mom got upset and said it wasn’t enough, and she needed to spend several days with him, which we all seem to agree is unreasonable. I’m not really sure what OP is supposed to do in that situation other than say “It’s lunch, take it or leave it” which is what it seems like she did. I think she’d be a smidge of the a-hole if she refused to meet him at all, but that’s not what happened.
I also agree with the person above that extended family is very different than your parents’ pen pal.
Did anyone catch the trailer for Meghan Markle’s new cooking show and are you planning to watch? It looks frothy and kind of fun.
She’s the worst, her constant need for attention kills me. I’m not at all interested in someone with no proper education or experience in cooking hawking recipes.
Sorry what? No proper education? No experience? Do you have any idea what she did before she married Harry? The Tig? Her extremely successful (even if not your cup of tea) acting career? College education at Northwestern? Your racism is showing.
She is not educated in culinary arts. You’re being purposely obtuae to equate an education in theater and international relations to culinary arts.
Wow really? She’s a celebrity with background in providing advice on entertaining who happens to have lots of celebrity (including chef) friends who are “educated in the culinary arts” or otherwise interesting to viewers. What other qualifications could she possibly need for a harmless Netflix show? No where has she billed it as a serious cooking show. She literally talks about not aspiring to perfection, but rather sparking joy and giving little tips on cooking/entertaining.
Does that really matter? Not saying MM is Martha Stewart, but Martha also doesn’t have an education in culinary arts.
Lots of celebs have food/lifestyle brands without being “educated in culinary arts.” Are you also hating on them, or just Meghan because she’s black?
I hate all celebs that do it :) except Snoop.
What about celebrities like Ina Garten? Is she also bad?
Martha Stewart did catering for a living before embarking on her brand. At least the Netflix special tells me so.
I mean neither was Martha Stewart. I find MM’s persona too sanctimonious for my taste but that’s why I don’t like her, not her education or whatever.
Ina Garten earned her fame as a cookbook author. She did not get famous and then write a cookbook.
Using questions rather than stating a position is pretty common argumentative technique to deflect and change topics. Popular amongst people who DARVO.
Why are all your posts just questions posing as “points.” Just state your position.
Whoops posted in the wrong spot. Using questions rather than stating a position is pretty common argumentative technique to deflect and change topics. Popular amongst people who DARVO.
Lmao they clearly meant no formal culinary education.
I think the comment was about “no proper education or experience in cooking.” Specifically: in cooking. It’s not a standard I have, but I don’t watch cooking shows, so there’s that.
She was on a basic cable TV show. Not even the main character. She was pretty bad as an actress. I stopped watching the show because of her (and well before she married the prince).
Just because one does not care for MM does make is racist. She was hateful to her husband’s elderly grandparents. She went in to a long established family, royal or not, thinking she would do it her way, which is rude and obtuse. She made patently false statements in a very public interview. She appears to love her some drama. All of these things I do not respect in anyone, and it hasn’t got a thing to do with the color of her skin. I was so very happy to see her with Prince Harry at first. Then I got more and more disappointed.
Wow, maybe get some perspective? You actually don’t know at all how she interacted with her husband’s grandparents, unless you were in the room and on the phone with them. She didn’t do any of the things you object to “at” you. She didn’t ask for and you don’t owe her any respect, and you are obviously allowed to have opinions and stuff, but this level of intense focus on a stranger/celebrity seems a bit . . . unusual.
Runcible, it’s not…unusual… She’s on the world stage wanting us to consume her content. We get to form opinions.
Yes. I feel so much cringe reading about this new venture.
That said, I’d love to see her in a Hallmark murder mystery series, where she hosts a cooking show (to dovetail with this), and Harry could play her frequently absent husband (maybe he’s a helicopter pilot for oil and gas somewhere–maybe he should do this in real life for income.)
Yes I’d be open to that series too! Hallmark away, but don’t pretend to be a chef.
They seem so desperate at this point.
How else are they supposed to earn an income? Neither of them seem to have skills outside of the entertainment industry.
I mean, being a helicopter pilot with warzone experience is a marketable skill that he could get a job with.
I think there is a big security risk associated with that.
My understanding is that while William was an actual pilot, Harry never qualified as a pilot and could only fly with a pilot on board and actually flying. IDK if that is a lesser type of license or just letting him pretend to work and giving him something to do but apparently he tried to make it as a pilot and it just wasn’t happening.
Admittedly I only know two pilots IRL but from what they’ve told me it’s really not that hard to get your license, just expensive and time consuming. So knowing Harry continually failed certainly gives an impression.
I know a successful commercial pilot for a major airline who couldn’t understand basic high school algebra at all even when it was explained to them, so at least in the US I think the academic standards for pilots are very low and if someone failed (for that reason – I know there are other reasons you can fail, such as physical disabilities) I would definitely think they’re dumber than a bag of rocks.
But I thought it was long known that Harry is very, very dim. William is “the smart one” and seems to just be normal intelligence, not especially bright.
Aren’t they rich enough already?
lol this reads like one of those anti-Blake Lively campaign things, like you are paid by an anti-Sussex couple company
Agree
People need to me more aware of the role of targeted PR in their conscious or subconscious biases.
I find MM annoying (Harry is even worse) but she has a bachelors degree from
Northwestern.
How do you have the energy to hate any celebrity?
You’ve spent time here, right? Women are capable of hating other women over the stupidest stuff. Even “I got ghosted by the friend I used to go antiquing with!” got hate!
Anyway, my point is that it seems to require very little energy!
It does look fun. And it’s what she likes to do, so I think she will be in her element. Of course no amount of authenticity will quell her constant critics. God forbid she work for a living doing something she likes and is good at doing, which happens to be in the public eye! It’s almost as if people forget she was previously a *gasp* actress!
I think that’s the problem. There is no authenticity in anything she does. It feels so calculated and transactional and transparent.
Obviously you can’t hate her for being fake it has to be a race issue.
So even though this show is basically her getting back to what she did pre-Harry (the Tig), she’s inauthentic. She really can’t win, can she! If she does something for money, it’s inauthentic. If she does something for charity, it’s inauthentic. If she is seen spending time with her celebrity friends, she’s fake. If she spends time with common folk on an overseas trip or charity event, she’s fake. Does it get exhausting, hating on people so much?
Did the Tig make her money? I thought that was just a vanity project.
Yes a simple google search will tell you she made $80k/year from the Tig.
I thought she was inauthentic back in those days too. She’s just obnoxious and I don’t want to spend my limited recreational time consuming her egocentric content.
Yes, most people’s jobs are transactional. You do some work and get a paycheck in return.
I find her (and Harry) so annoying, so no, I will not be watching.
I think it looks fun and approachable.
It looks fun and totally fake to me. The trailer seemed like it was for a feature film — that was a lot of different trad-wifey activities she just happens to be great at. It had a bit of a “little old me doing these little old things” vibe. Acting for sure, but that is her profession! (And yes it’s maybe my secret dream to be beautiful and talented at homesteading, so I’ll probably tune in).
I did and I plan to watch it. I have no idea why people are so fervent in their hatred for this woman. Who cares if she has a hospitality degree?
I personally love watching HGTV, BBC home and garden shows, Magnolia (minus Joanna Gaines who gets on my nerves) and have never looked at the educational credits of those hosts. It’s absurd the standard people hold people too. Martha Stewart was a stockbroker for crying out loud. Jennifer Garner makes cooking videos. It’s not required that you go to Le Cordon Bleu to make food videos.
People criticize her for the dumbest things. Personally if I was paying for the monarchy I would be happy if the majority of them got real jobs. They don’t do much work other than ceremonial roles. It’s the same with not wanting every president kid/spouse/relative in the White House earning a salary for ribbon cuttings.
Martha Stewart was a caterer.
After being a stockbroker. She didn’t got to culinary school. Ina Garten has an MBA. At least Julia Child did go to cooking school, but the point of ALL of those women were elevating the home cook who is also untrained. It’s not meant to be Top Chef.
If we’re moving goalposts, Meghan did have a popular lifestyle blog that included recipes way before she met Harry. She also has experience with this kind of content. It’s fine to dislike Meghan, but why not own up to it outright? People recommend so many recipes and cookbooks here from food blogger authors without culinary backgrounds. No one is ever going after the Smitten Kitchen lady with a pitchfork. Because it’s not really the reason…
I like her just because she seems to really infuriate all the people who I dislike.
SAME
Do you also like to own the libs?
I’m a huge lib. And also not a racist misogynist. POS. I will watch the show.
Doesn’t Fox News hate MM? That is where my conservative relatives seem to get it from.
Wrong tree, friendo
Same. If I was married to a rich English guy and could live anywhere in the world and do anything, I’d probably live in Santa Barbara and noodle around with lifestyle stuff. Why is she history’s greatest monster to so many people?
Honestly, I don’t think about her or Prince Harry any more than I think about a lot of other similarly-aged famous people. Sometimes she’s wearing something I think is cute or there’s a nice picture of them someplace, but if I’m going to be spending serious headspace on a celebrity, it’s probably someone like Tilda Swinton or some other art-house-y GenX. And the Danish royal family is quite enough for me – I love that Queen Mary was a nice Australian girl who met a guy at a bar and boom! He’s a real prince.
There was a quote from the former UK vogue editor that hit the nail on the head. “The trouble with Meghan is that she has the worst judgment of anyone in the entire world. She’s flawless about getting it all wrong.” She had a huge platform to make herself one of the most relevant women in the world and she walked away with no workable plan and lots of aired grievances.
It felt to me as if she wanted to be number one at any cost and she made a bad bet by going to the US.
Omg yes! Worst judgment ever. Definitely worse than Prince Andrew (I mean who can really blame him for that Epstein stuff amirite?) or Prince Charles (soooo not his fault he cheated on his young vulnerable wife!!). She’s such a stain on the monarchy compared to the rest of them!
For sure.
I mean, people don’t like them either.
As opposed to Wallis Simpson and the Duke of Windsor, who genuinely liked that famous Austrian guy with the little mustache?
Some of you are sarcasm impaired.
The difference between Markle and Garner is that Garner doesn’t take herself seriously and is goofy and entertaining to watch. Garner even calls her cooking videos “Pretend Cooking Show.”
To you. Somewhere on the internet some person is writing how Jennifer Garner has no training and isn’t authentic, blah blah blah. I also don’t check the credentials of all of the fashion blogs I read to make sure the authors went to an appropriate design school.
I’m excited for it and will be watching!
I’m not on the hate Meghan bandwagon, and think her content looks like something I’d be interested in.
She joined the royal family purely for self promotion and monetary reasons. She is a despicable person who sold them out for $$$.
And you are certain about all this because . . .? Face it, you have no idea how she lives her life, truly. It’s so weird to have such a strong opinion about a stranger with whom you have no meaningful interaction. For all you know, she is a lovely person who has been unfairly maligned by public relations professionals and disinformation. Or she is a horrible person, but either way, what difference does it make to your daily life?
I guess I don’t understand the strong feelings expressed here toward a person I dare say nobody on this site knows personally. The only information available on which to base an opinion is celebrity journalism and gossip. Nobody here knows Meghan Markle enough to form a true opinion of her character, and why should we? She’s an entertainer by profession; some folks will watch her shows and some won’t. Why not leave it at that? Why get so invested in her life? So unproductive!
Another NYC hotel question – my husband and I want to go for a quick weekend for our anniversary and kind of be tourists with museums, the botanical garden, etc. (Used to live there, moved to midwestern suburbs.) Willing to splurge a bit on a hotel — what is worth the splurge? i’m thinking for the tourism stuff we should be midtownish? Bonus if the hotel has a great bar and/or great spa in it or near it.
The Greenwich Hotel is my favorite splurge hotel in NYC. But it is not midtown. In midtown, the Mandarin Oriental is quite nice, and it has a nice bar and spa.
The Greenwich is aaaaaamazing. And it does have a spa. And a cute “drawing room” and courtyard to sit in and drink, depending on the weather.
Credit card question – I always pay it off in full but missed the due date a few weeks ago. I got charged interest. Sad sad. The next month I paid off the statement in full… and still got charged interest. From messaging with Chase I understand this is trailing interest. So I just paid the entire balance on the credit card, including for the January statement that hasn’t been released yet. Will this extinguish the interest?
No idea to your interest question, but after missing a similar payment a decade ago, I started paying my credit card twice a month, basically each pay period instead of waiting for the bill. Have never had a similar issue and have a near perfect credit score as a result.
No idea on the trailing interest question but I will say that I have a similar record of years of on time payments with Chase and absolutely no issues and then was a few days late in the middle of a move during 2024. I called Chase and just asked the initial person who answered the call (didn’t ask for a supervisor or anything) if they could forgive the interest the one time and they were able to. Unsure if this is normal or if they were very generous.
Same thing happened to us when my MIL died and we just missed a paper bill. This was back in 1989. Glad to see that there is still some flexibility on the part of these big institutions.
Every time I miss a credit card payment (maybe once every two to three years), I call and they waive the interest. The last time, I didn’t even have to talk to someone because there was an automated option for it.
OP here – I just called Chase. I have to not carry ANY balance for a few days and then the trailing interest goes away. So I have to wait for my pending charges to go through, and then pay everything so the balance is $0 for a few days.
Yeah Chase is just scamming people. Once you pay it to zero you should be good, this multi day thing is them being ahady
Try asking them to waive it, since you always pay on time and this is a one-time thing compounded by their billing system. I’ve heard it working for several people, if you are polite and insistent about it.
You can just set up autopay to pay the bill in full, FYI — that’s how I have mine configured so I don’t have to think about it.
last month’s bill was $10k so i don’t think so lol
but i do autopay to pay the minimum
You will have interest if you don’t pay the balance in full. Paying the minimum just avoids late payment fees.
If you can’t afford to autopay $10k, you should not be charging $10k on a credit card in a month.
Carrying a credit card balance is stupid.
Hold up, my balance is over $10k a month, and I always pay it in full, but I am not comfortable with autopay.
I *do* autopay the minimum. I have never missed a payment or carried credit card debt, but I sometimes make different choices about which bank to pay the card from, or adjust the timing slightly, to account for cash flow stuff (note: never lack of cash, just cash in different places at different times of the month).
Yes trailing interest is a thing. If you have a history of on-time payments, and you call them they’ll probably forgive the interest and any late fee. I’ve found Chase especially responsive in this regard.
For my resolutions, I like to do something I can chip away at for the year – 6,000 minutes working out, 200 Duolingo lessons, 10,000 pages read, 20 dates a year, etc. I have these both for goals I’m working on and for things I’m trying to change.
Of my 4 main goals for the year, the only thing I don’t know how to assign a goal to is to be more organized / less cluttered. I try to do a 5 min tidy every day, but I’ve regularly failed at that. With my ADHD and busy schedule, it’s just hard to do.
Maybe something like: pick up 5 objects every day before bed and put them in their place.
Back in the day there was a web s!te called FlyLady and she taught people to be better at keeping their houses neat. She had a thing called the 27 Fling Boogie: You take a basket or whatever and go around you house until you’ve picked up 27 things to put away or throw away. She was also a big proponent of setting the timer for 15 minutes and just doing what you can to straighten things up until the timer goes off. Sometimes you’ll stop, sometimes you’ll be inspired and keep going. Either way, it’s a win.
So my ADHD looks at those numbers and gets completely overwhelmed. 100 books? No problem. 10000 pages? I can’t even comprehend what that means.
Maybe think about instead of 5 minute tidy, which I would never do, plan a 48 hour purge and a 1k budget for making your space functional so that the tidying makes more sense or that there are more obvious homes for your belongings.
My ADHD husband has committed to completing one organizing task a week. This week he sorted out his digital files. He actually developed a naming system and file structure, it’s amazing that our photos no longer live in chaos. Unfortunately for most ADHDers this needs to be self motivated and they instinctively revolt at assistance and ‘forcing’ them to do something like hiring an organizer.
Throw away 300 items! Or a different number! There are YouTube videos on this theme.
If a countdown works better for you, can you do something like “1560 minutes of tidying up per year” and work at it from that direction?
This is also how I set my resolutions and I also struggled with this. I ultimately made one of those post it note boards with all the cleaning/organizing tasks I wanted to do – one per post it. And I would grab a post it whenever I had time and do the task, and put the post it in a basket. Once all the post its were gone, I would put them back up again. They were very small tasks (e.g., clean dishwasher filter; run sanitize cycle on washer; organizer 1 small closet; wash the walls in X room).
Not perfect for daily tidying but good for the random stuff.
This is very smart!
Best advice to be more organized and less cluttered is to declutter.
Best decluttering advice: Dana K White. She has loads of free stuff on podcasts, youtube and her blog, but highly recommend the Decluttering at the speed of life book. Her methods are great for ADHD, especially the five step decluttering method.
Second best: How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organising by KC Davies. This one is more of an emotional guide, and good stuff if you feel ashamed by clutter or not being on top of housekeeping.
Dove hair products and Ivory body wash and whatever bar soap I have around. That is generally what I use, with some alternative shampoo/ conditioner maybe once a week.
I am not friends with Anon at 11:54.