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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cotton-Viscose Short-Sleeve Sweater

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A woman wearing a blue-and-white striped, short-sleeved cardigan and blue jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This short-sleeved cardigan from Lands’ End would make a great topper for days when you want to cover your arms a bit, but it’s just too hot for long sleeves. I would pair the light blue stripes with a shell in a similar color and some navy trousers for a perfectly summery look. It also comes in a really pretty “raspberry sorbet” if you’d like another color. 

The sweater is on sale for $28.79 (marked down from $79.95) at Lands’ End and comes in sizes XS-XL and 1X-3X. 

Sales of note for 7/15:

249 Comments

  1. I feel that there is a lot of AI and private equity hate here, but I’m also hoping that there are many CPAs at Big4 and big regional firms. I am a new CPA and work in audit. I understand that the SEC makes audit separate from tax and consulting, which are seen as more lucrative (and are essentially sales and cross-selling jobs at the highest levels). Several other big regional CPA firms have taken PE investments and now we are also. I think from googling that the idea is that you get cash to use to . . . invest in AI and replace all of us? Build outsourcing site in India where they can get humans to work vs AI (which my Big4 friends tell me they are doing)? Fire all of us and have us do less with less? IDK but people are freaking out. I’m so new that IDK if I need to pivot out of audit, go to Big4, everyone will be rushing into audit, or maybe it’s too soon to tell. Everyone seems to hate private equity though, so there’s that. Please tell me quickly what I’m missing because the all-hands meeting I need to go to will surely not be the whole story on this.

    1. You are panicking about something you can’t control. Which is very normal, but not useful. I hope you get some good advice, but in the meantime, adulthood is learning to pivot, getting kicked down by circumstance, and getting up again and hopefully persevering. Rooting for all of us against greed.

      1. For a pivot, what would pivot to as a new CPA? Tax? Go to work for a client? I don’t even know what I don’t know or who is really a good person or place to go for the straight story.

      2. Not much of a response. She’s freaking out and rightly worried for her job, so I think just saying to learn to be an adult isn’t helpful

    2. You will get pro private equity comments here too. They just don’t disclose they work(ed) for the devil

      1. Is it always the devil? I feel that it’s just a short-term move that is long-term bad, like the LBOs of yore. Now, the carried interest concept makes it structured that way. Yadda, yadda, with debt you have to pay vs with PE investments you don’t (you go down the drain either way). I think it’s telling that politicians want to save us from PE in health care (which I’m OK with, but the tort lawyers would fix things in the end there) and youth sports (WTF?), but not otherwise.

        1. Yes, it’s evil precisely because it is geared towards extracting short-term gains for the investors at the expense of long-term sustainability and service and value for customers.

        2. A short term move that is long term bad is the devil. You have way too much faith in the tort lawyers; things are not getting fixed right now as we speak.

          1. And tort lawyers can only fix things after a lot of people have been irreparably hurt.

        3. I really thought that corporate raiding and its consequences were part of the “everything got worse” charts where things start to go off the rails in the 70s without recovering to this day.

          “Is it always the devil to destroy things and make them worse for decades as part of a get rich quick scheme?”

          1. “Is it really evil to maim, kill, and torture society’s most vulnerable people for profit, trusting that lawsuits will catch up?”

    3. I’m a CPA in Big 4 audit.
      With PE investments, essentially yes. They want to use those investments to build out AI and offshoring to keep up with what the Big 4 already are able to invest in.
      If you have an opportunity to move to Big 4, I would definitely do that for a number of reasons (better on resume, more varied experience, wouldn’t want to work for PE), but it shouldn’t be to escape AI / offshoring because you will be disappointed.
      It’s easy to spiral when you start thinking of how AI will transform the future of the profession and I definitely do sometimes, but I’m trying to think of it as a way to expand capacity to do more–so help your firm grow more with the human resources it has in place. Also, it helps to remember that the firm will always need smart, capable leaders if they intend to keep growing or even just existing in the future. If you are a high performer, there is definitely value in someone investing in you for the future of the firm.

    4. The Big4 have been outsourcing to India for years and are also using AI so that’s not new in the industry. I would be less worried that they are going to do a bunch of layoffs at your firm, I think the longer term impact will be less new hires. A lot of the job of the most junior team members is manual, boring work so I think AI could actually make the job of junior staff better by automating some of it.

      Part of the reason PE firms are buying accounting firms is for succession – to cash out the boomer Partners who own the firm. Part of the playbook is also expanding into higher value service lines.

      I would try not to stress and I don’t think you need to pivot or leave your firm. If you’re brand new, in reality you’re not likely to stay in audit for more than a few years anyway before you go to industry and do something else.

    5. No accounting experience, but I work for a professional services org in which PE invested about 5 years ago. I joined about 4 years ago so I don’t know what it was like pre-PE but I have seen changes in my time.
      Positive: more money to invest in updating tech platforms that help us do our jobs more efficiently
      Negative: too many reorgs (and cutting expensive/senior people), outsourcing some roles overseas, installing their preferred executive team who do not have any background in our specialized industry, and a general culture shift towards less of a people/services focus and more of a profit focus.
      More negatives than positives in my book, especially as we hit a point where the PE firm is likely looking to exit based on typical timelines, but I love my coworkers and feel good about the work we do so I’ve stuck around for now.

    6. There is nowhere to go to escape the current attempts to deploy AI. But the next cycle will be figuring out where it was useful and where it wasn’t. Don’t panic and just watch it all play out.

    7. I’m a CPA, started in Big 4, left several years ago and now am a Controller in industry. About a year ago I joined a company owned by PE after avoiding it for most of my career. So far it hasn’t been as bad as I expected although there’s a heavy push for AI. In a regulated industry like audit, in your shoes I’d be thinking about: 1. Learning how to use AI for audit. Those models don’t run themselves and will always need people to direct them. An audit cannot be performed by AI with any guarantee of quality. 2. Look at the industry/client base you’ve been exposed to so far and if that’s where you’d want to spend your career, whether you’re an auditor or working for a company. If you’re in a good place with the firm you’re at, stay there and gain expertise to give yourself future flexibility. If you aren’t interested in that industry for the long-term, then do what you need to do (change firms, talk to the partners at your firm) to get to that place.

    8. I was an Big4 auditor and went into private. I recommend considering joining big4 in the fall as an experienced hire for a couple of years.

      I saw the writing on the wall and made my move 10 years ago. The CPA no longer has the same value it had because they sold out when they allowed people globally to be CPAs. PE owning audit firms is directly violating independence rules which have been in place for decades for good reason.

      Pivoting out of audit isn’t a bad idea. The issue is that AI has completely disrupted consulting. The support roles in companies have been shrunk massively as existing processes have been automated.

      You need to be tech literate and able to utilize AI, such as building an agent, be comfortable with data bricks and FP&A programs for any role today. I have used a variety of tools to learn including dating a guy I met at the MIT business forum who showed me a lot and explained how to use AI! When searching for your next role do your research on the profitability of the firm. I’m at a firm that has a GM of 35-40% and I’m fixing good problems. I have a healthy budget for tech because our margins support it. Big4 clients tend to have higher GM%.

  2. It is time for a big “cook and freeze single serve lunches to take to work” day. I’d love your favorite recipes! I’m particularly looking for bean recipes, (for fiber, protein, and lack of freezer burn purposes) but there are no food restrictions.

    1. I roast a chicken w a bottle of white and sliced onions, boil some bones, make a stock (or you can just use wine, onions, and boxed chicken stock) and then put the wine chicken drippings and stock in a casserole dish w cannellini beans (precooked from Whole Foods) and let them cook in the oven for a few hours, stirring and adding water while I read or do laundry. Add the roasted chicken at some point and mix it all in. It’s pretty nice re-heated.

    2. I like this ratatouille lentil soup. I find most lentil soups pretty meh, but this one is more interesting without being weird. I substitute a chopped red or yellow bell pepper for the roasted pepper and cook it with the zucchini and onion. I also add a tablespoon of herbes de Provence. I do think the recipe could stand more herbs. I freeze this in single portions. I also freeze good whole grain sourdough in slices, and a bowl of this soup with toasted sourdough makes a good meal.

      https://www.foodandwine.com/ratatouille-lentil-soup-8603308

    3. You mentioned freezer burn. How long are you hoping to freeze these meals? I find cooked beans get kind of explode-y in the freezer unless they are in a sauce or liquid of some type. For that reason, I might stick with things like black bean soup, chili, etc.

      1. I’ll probably eat them over the course of 2 months. The idea is grab and go healthy lunch when I have failed to prep something fresh.

    4. Coconut red lentil dal freezes well.
      Black or pinto bean chili.
      Aubergine and chickpea curry.
      Lasagna, moussaka and shepherd’s pie with lentils.
      Pizza – try a white bean and rosemary sauce.

    5. Hmm, at this time of year, I think more bean salads than hot bean recipes. For those, I’d just batch cook beans and freeze them, though you could also just use canned beans and skip that step. There are a ton of great bean recipes on NYT Cooking and most are pretty quick to throw together once you have the beans.

    6. Try savory oats with beans – I make a weird dish with steel cut oats, cannellini beans, bacon bits, EBTB seasoning, and often throw in spinach and broccoli too. I like to make 2 eggs while it’s defrosting and add cheddar at the end for melty goodness.

      1. Pre-pandemic, there used to be a hotel in DC (The Line) that had savory oats like this on their breakfast menu and I LOVED them.

    7. I’d look into those silicon freezer cubes, lots of people on social media seem to have great luck freezing rectangles of rice, beans, and chicken and then letting them defrost in the AM before lunch.

    8. Incredible handle, btw. Can I recommend finding a cruel dentist with a wonderful girlfriend and seeing where nature takes you?

      1. I mean, between this post and today’s pick, I’m well on my way to cooking like Betty Crocker and looking like Donna Reed!

    1. Agreed! I have a couple similar sweaters and they are real workhorses in my wardrobe.

  4. Anyone on a GLP-1 experiencing something like a transference from “food noise” to shopping noise or something like that? I think since I don’t get dopamine hits from snacking anymore, my brain is looking for quick joy from other things, like buying makeup or shoes, and it’s impacting my wallet.

    1. Hahaha, yes. But I think this is more personality specific. I always liked shopping (I get ideas and want to try them) and the excitement of that is heightened (and unfortunately, I have more success w my ideas) on the GLP-1s. Not just clothes though, vintage home decor hunting, hard to find ingredients from specialty stores, projects. It feels like my brain is more excited about stuff.

      1. This is so surprising, since the hype is that GLP-1s make you uninterested in everything from eating to shopping to drinking to gambling!

        1. You’re responding to my comment, and I can say that the desire to shop is still there, but it’s so much more focused and intentional. I just returned from a trip and had no desire to even touch any of the gift shops on the trip or the duty free shops (previously my kryptonite) but knew exactly what I wanted to source when I got back. So I’m less interested in random stuff, but am much more specific when I do buy.

          1. Also I was still interested in eating on my trip, but again, didn’t need to touch random food stalls but could be more intentional in what I chose to eat and drink, whereas on past trips I was a bit of a gremlin wanting to taste every last thing we passed and feeling genuinely robbed if we passed something by.

          2. I’m really hopeful about this. We desperately need more effective medical treatment for addiction (especially hoarding, gambling, things that aren’t substances).

    2. Could you also need to shop? I feel that between size changes and being told to work out more, if it is excessive might show up over time vs muddying the waters right away because of the want vs need blur.

    3. Yep me too – my gardening habit kicked into high gear around the same time I started glps. I feel like in part it’s to be expected because there’s so much space in your head where the food/diet noise was. But I can see it being about dopamine too.

    4. Dopamine seeking is a sign of ADHD. When my bestie was finally medicated she became a minimalist, it was magic

    5. No, and yes. I think it depends on why you overeat. I’m an emotional/stress eater, so have had to figure out what to do with my emotions. I meditate in the mornings, but have also found myself amassing quite a few nail polishes when I’m super stressed (I bought 20 in the month my mom was in the hospital!). I know buying them and putting them on is self soothing, so now I recognize it, limit purchases, and limit it to nail polish only. Overall, I actually shop less than before taking a GLP-1

    6. I’ve needed a lot of new clothes and continue to as my size changes. I’m not complaining at all though and am having fun buying bathing suits for the first time in years.

    7. I would say it’s just the opposite for me. I think it’s the lack of calories but I find I have less energy for anything, and therefore less interest in everything.
      I’m at my target weight though so trying to reduce my glp-1 dose and increase my food intake. Hoping that will help.

  6. There’s a store (not Sephora) I buy a few things from that offers samples with each purchase. They also have a scent sampler kit that I’ve purchased. They have a scent that I’m curious to try, it’s not a part of the sampler, and not an option for the samples I can pick out with purchase. I reached out and asked if they could send me a sample with my next purchase (a face cream I like) and they told me no, but that if I purchased the scent, they could send me a sample to try before opening the scent (so it would still be returnable.)

    To me, it sounds like they do have a sample available and they’re choosing not to send it to me. I only offer the above to show that I like their products and buy with relative frequency. I’m quick to walk away from nonsense, but I do like the face cream. Should I be annoyed (I am) or is there reason to this I’m not seeing? I hate the process of returning things and the bottle of scent is close to $200.

    1. for some scents, the store may have only a 1-1 ratio of samples to full size products. As opposed to scents where they have an intentional freebie pile.

      imho you’re spending more time chasing a standalone freebie…. than you would just ordering and returning if you don’t like it.

      1. Yes. I also hate returning things but if you’re interested enough in the scent this seems fair. I’m not sure I’d expect them to send me a free sample before purchasing.

      1. Their only stores are in Europe. But that’s still an intriguing idea. Maybe next year.

    3. I’d check out a site like lucky scent or the perfumed court – they sell samples of niche and mainstream fragrances for $5-$20 or so for this very reason.
      For those who have the shoppies with GLP-1 – perfume is a VERY fun rabbit hole, lots of relatively inexpensive testers, trading, comparing scent notes, etc. on reddit and other spaces.

      1. I’ve been thinking of purchasing something like this for a family member who I think would like it. My whole family is a little fragrance sensitive to cheap chemically air freshener type scents, but my experience is that a lot of better quality scents don’t have that issue, and she’s not particularly sensitive, though she is a bit crunchy/”all natural.”

        May I ask, are there any samplers or brands you’d recommend I look into?

    5. I think you want to have your cake and eat it but are too close to see that.

      Scents are not in any conceivable way a life necessity, so while I can understand that you are annoyed at not having access to what you want in the easiest way possible, I do not think you “should” be annoyed. Count yourself blessed that this is the friction you encounter in your life.

      1. +1. You asked, they said no, it’s time to move on. You can live without a bottle of this perfume you’ve never smelled.

        1. I am ready to move on! Just wondering if I’m just cheating myself for removing the rest of my purchases from them, too. I really do like that face cream.

          1. It would be actually crazy to quit shopping there because of this one customer service experience.

          2. I believe what you’re doing is called “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” Meaning, you’re annoyed and feeling ill-used, so you’re doing an “I’ll show you” at them. Yet your actions don’t affect them, but do keep you from something you actually want.

          3. This is a weirdly vindictive spin. What are you hoping to gain?

            Are you thinking you might teach them some kind of lesson if you stop purchasing in protest over not getting freebies they don’t publicly offer? Blackmail them into sending you that free sample by threatening to stop buying bougie face cream from them?

          4. You are the reason small businesses struggle. I hope you don’t rail against Amazon because you are responsible for their rise.

    6. i would just buy the scent and get the freebie. i bought some stuff on one of the scent-dupe sites because i wanted some penhaligon’s and ds durga without paying full price and i regret it, it’s all garbage.

      1. I got some Penhaligon’s sample kits once–they were too strong for me, but they were so intriguing.

    7. It sounds like they’re trying to work with you here. Have you checked other sampler providers like Scent Split? The relevant subreddit has a lot of guides to buying samples. That may be more convenient than dealing with a return.

        1. I suppose. I’m not a returner by nature, so would probably just re-gift it, so trying to square that about myself.

          2. Gently, step back and listen to yourself.

            Most people are not able to toss money at entirely discretionary purchases like this while planning to give away the product if they don’t like it after all, and here you are pouting about how your privilege hasn’t given you these treats on a silver platter.

          3. You are putting too many constraints on yourself and then getting mad at the company for not solving your problem.

            You aren’t a returner by nature. That’s… not their problem. They offered a perfectly reasonable solution, likely because you are a good customer, and you are not taking it.

    9. look, i can be petty about things also as a consumer but i think you’re overestimating the difficulty to return things (and maybe ascribing weird judgments to it?) and the store’s perspective for having limited samples available. for example perfumes may have ingredients that push the package into a different shipping tier, and even if it’s a small sample it’s got to be treated as a toxic or flammable or whatever package.

    10. Do you think this is a decision they made to slight you, personally? What would the store’s motivation be for not providing you this sample in the manner you request? Is it possible that you don’t know the ins and outs of whatever operational processes are in place that are creating this limitation? Is this really nonsense, and if so, is it any worse nonsense than you threatening to stop purchasing from the store all together because you’re only going to be provided a sample after you purchase a returnable product and this isn’t good enough *because you are too lazy to return it*?

    11. Have you tried stores like Lucky Scent? There’s a similar store on the East Coast. I’ve never had them say no. Also, what about purchasing a decant from Scent Split or Decant X.

    12. The company distributing the fragrance is giving samples to the stores under certain conditions. Your store is not buying the samples, so they cannot do with them whatever they want, but need to follow the rules from the distributing company.
      The distributing company probably realized that if consumers get a sample, they may like the fragrance, but consumers may not purchase the fragrance immediately (they are trying the sample at home and can’t or don’t want to make yet another bigger purchase) and the more time passes between trying the sample and buying the product, the more likely the consumers are to forget the fragrance name or try something new, more exciting. By sending you the full size product and a sample to try before you unpack the full size, they are giving you the option to try but also maximizing their chance of you keeping the full size you bought already. Also, the percentage of consumers who want to return something but then forget or miss the free return deadline is quite high.
      Long story short – either try the perfume somewhere else (if that is the option) or order the full size with the sample and be happy they offer such option.

  7. I know Spanish only from school. I thought I was taught that “mas despacio” means something like “slower” as in to convey that I can understand some Spanish but please just speak it slower for me. But yesterday I was told that it means that that you want the person to give you more space. Google seems to support that my version, but what do I really know? Maybe this is an idiom or expression and I’m not grasping some nuance? I work where I sometimes have to translate a bit on the fly (which is often pointing out where something is or saying “there is no translator here today but she comes on Monday” or “this form is actually for the post office, which is over there.” So not Cervantes but if I’m stumbling poorly, I’d like to stumble a little better. Aiiii.

    1. Also only know this from HS Spanish, but I learned the way to convey that you want someone to speak more slowly is with an entire phrase, something like “repita mas despacio, por favor.” Otherwise you are just shouting random words.

      Think of the difference in English: if someone asks “say it again, but slower please” that is very different than someone just saying “slow” at you.

      2. Eh, true, but if someone looked confused and said “slow, please” to me in heavily accented English (Ie like my Spanish is), I think I’d figure out they needed me to speak more slowly

    2. Despacio means slowly, not space. “Espacio” is space so they either misheard you or were mixing the two words up. I agree it would be a little more polite to say it is a full sentence like habla mas despacio, por favor. But the meaning is totally clear from what you said.

      2. My HS spanish tells me slowly is lentemente. But I actually just use hand motions for this.

    3. My trick for getting people to repeat themselves more slowly in Spanish, while traveling overseas, is to point at my ear and make a questioning face. They immediately simplify, slow down, and speak up a bit, so I have a better chance at understanding.

    4. I learned lentemente in HS a million years ago. I generally simply say something like, ‘lo siento, no hablo mucho espanol, puedes hablar lentamente?’

      1. I want to say this to the TV when we are watching World Cup games on Telemundo! (My SO speaks no Spanish, and I catch about two words in a hundred, but it’s way more fun than the English language broadcast.)

  8. We are hosting a casual neighborhood get-together this Saturday (trying to build community), with about 4-5 families with elementary-aged kids.

    If the weather is good we will be in the yard with some water games for kids, no problem; if not, I’d like to have some indoor ideas planned to 1) entertain the kids and 2) serve as unofficial ice-breakers for the adults! Crafts available? Board games out just in case?

    Assume no adults are coming against their will and therefore have at least some interest in socializing. Thanks for any suggestions!

    5. We’re still dealing with little gobs of glitter glue from a craft party when our daughter was about 8. She turns 23 this week. Here’s a vote for board games or maybe a scavenger hunt.

    6. Board games cards, dice, maybe with more active games like Twister for the kids? Do you have an indoor play room or basement where you can set the kids loose?

    7. So this will sound silly but we once bought a giant tablecloth sized coloring sheet. It lived on the dining table over a school holiday break and I was surprised that often adults would sit down and start coloring and chatting. It was something to do with your hands I guess? Unlike crafts there’s no pressure to make something “good” or take home clutter. You just keep your hand busy.

      1. I love this idea. You could also do an on-theme prompt (casually) – “draw your best sea creature here!” or whatever works for your crowd.

  9. does anyone here live in multigenerational housing? starting to think about how that will look with a disabled child in the future and possibly a parent. we’d need to move so we’re wide open to all the different possibilities.

    1. I think it matters what the child’s disability is. For the parent, a lot is avoiding falls (so no-step entry, no steps in bathroom or into tub/shower and handhelds in shower, one floor is ideal). We added a bedroom with an attached bath and are now realizing that the shower is a trip hazard (parent is opting to go to an assisted living apartment; an in-law may be next up but now longer does stairs and this bedroom is upstairs). Possibly relevant: do they need any care attendants, including overnight, and where do they stay (like are they in your TV room working while you run down in a robe to get an overnight drink?).

    2. Also interested. Not a lot where I live (northern Virginia) and units that do get built go QUICKLY (for a small fortune). I think this is the future (hopefully with more ground floor master bedrooms) but the future can’t get here quickly enough.

    3. the blogger Mackenzie Horan built a nice studio-apt style suite over her garage for her parents to live with them. She’s obviously got a lot of $$ but that sort of separate space seems like a smart idea.

      1. The “over the garage” feature seems to be for young and spry grandparents who want extended visits. I feel that it’s of limited use for the $. But often people avoid houses with ground floor guest spaces fearing that people won’t leave. But it’s ideal for the not-young not-spry years that our parents will get to (and so will we).

        1. My point was that the parents have their own real space to use (not just a bedroom), which seems like a good idea for both generations. Stairs not required.

      2. I think they put at least $2M, if not more, into their renovations. They literally filled in one outdoor pool and put in another, FFS!

    4. Not currently, but I did growing up. From age 7-16 I lived in a household of my grandparents, my parents, me and my siblings (2 when we started 3 when we moved out), and occasionally an aunt or uncle. It was a basement apartment that could function completely independently, but had a pass through door. Honestly, it was fantastic having extra adults around, I had multiple adults I could ask for help, meaning that if my mom needed space I could go to dad or grandma or my aunt or whoever else was available. Someone always was. Not having a lot of privacy was annoying (shared bedrooms), so I spent a lot of time outside the house – library, parks, random dirt roads to explore. I’ve been trying to talk my parents into buying a house with me, but locations/careers haven’t lined up yet. I think that 2 kitchens and being able to close doors between the different living spaces is key – if they want to have friends over they need to be able to do so without having sound or people overflow to your space.

    5. The answer depends on the type of disability involved and what kind of care is required. My sibling was disabled and lived with my parents until death (~ age 30). My sibling required in-home nursing care. Ultimately my parents renovated their attached garage into basically a hospital suite with a bathroom and space for my sibling’s bed, equipment, and a kitchenette for the nurses. This got them out of the main living space (which was great) and allowed my sibling to feel a little bit of independence as an adult. Having some amount of separation so people can feel independence is nice if financially feasible.

    6. There are Seniors Real Estate Specialists who can help on this, you want grab bars (properly installed!) in the shower, toilet, near entrances, wide halls, hard floors, no or low lip to the shower, high toilets (you can get a pedestal instead of getting a whole new toilet), shower big enough for two and a shower chair, one level house.. Also, have enough physical space for equipment and care givers.

    7. My cousin added an ADU in his backyard, and it is amazing. His inlaws moved in. I was shocked how well designed, big and accessible, and relatively affordable these are. Everyone loves it. Everyone has privacy, but they check in regularly with each other, often share meals. They are in California.

    8. I had my son as a single parent when I was almost 40, mid-career and not having planned on having children. My mother came to live with us and was a godsend. The peace of mind from having a trusted adult when I had to work late or travel was wonderful. Now having her close as she ages brings Another kind of peace of mind.

  10. has anyone seen cashmere linen sweaters anywhere this year? i always like that blend

  11. Here is a weird one- the wall perpendicular to my standing shower gets wet (opposite wall from the shower head and faucet). My husband has run several tests including blocking the drain and pointing water in discrete areas to determine what is causing the leak. No idea, it’s been a few months, and now he would like to cut a hole in the living room wall, which is on the other side of the wetness, to see what’s going on. Has anyone had a mysterious leak? How did you figure out the cause? I’m so ready to call a contractor/plumber!

    1. this doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with the shower plumbing itself, if it’s a wet wall? a contractor may be able to cut a smaller hole and investigate with a camera vs. a huge opening?

    2. Is it condensation? Is your air conditioning duct running through that wall such that the cold is causing moist shower air to cool back into water?

      Also probably good to rule out any leaky pipes in the ceiling above your bathroom. Water flows downward, sometimes down a wall a distance from where your leak actually is.

    3. Our library has a couple water meters that you can borrow (pinless and pin). Personally I’d start by taking a lot of measurements of that wall, surrounding walls + ceilings, pre-and post-shower for several days. That might help validate how extensive / far from the faucet it’s happening and confirm whether it’s only happening when the shower is on vs. all the time. With that info, I’d call a contractor. I’m a pretty handy DIYer but I don’t start projects I know I can’t finish and repairing drywall would nix it for me.

    4. I assume you mean a part of the wall that is not in the shower nor facing the faucet is wet.

      What is above this wall and can you access that area to see if there is a leaky roof or pipe or something up there? Is your shower wall tiled? Do you know what kind of underlayment the shower surround has? Is it only wet when the shower is running? Does it dry up if you stop using the shower? Where on the wall is it – up high or down low?

    5. We had a similar mysterious leak and it turned out the drip pan for the HVAC unit had filled up and overflowed into the floors below. Check that, if you can.

  12. Looking for some guidance or encouragement. I think as a matter of fact I’m a deeply lazy person. I need a certain amount of downtime and rountine to feel good or even ok. I have a relatively laid back wfh job. I have kids and a husband. Nothing is bad but everything is chaos with how busy we are. For example these half days of school coupled with a sports tournament for the older one plus our family social commitments have left me grumpy and resentful and even angry.

    I recognize for many people these commitments are normal or even fun but I just need a break. My whole life feels like the moments between losing control of the car and crashing. There is zero break on the horizon and talks with my husband and close friends have me convinced this is a me problem. We’re not over scheduled just normal busy for modern families. Still I hate that we can’t eat together and that I’m doing work until 10pm because somehow sports are sucking up my very reasonable work days and we’re up very early on the weekends so I’m all sleep deprived and grumpy. There’s no time for grocery shopping or meal prep let alone gettting my poor hair done or getting to the gym. I guess it’s selfish but those things matter to me. I don’t even recognize myself and I’m out of pto so I can’t just take a day. It’s making me so angry and resentful even though I love my family.

    1. were you the sports person growing up or your husband? i never was like that growing up and have balked hard at the time and energy required for kids sports these days. ask around for which leagues are more casual and just for fun, you don’t need to do the travel team or whatever if it’s just a fun thing for your kids. (odds are good at least some of your kids are like you and will revolt against that too!)

      i’d at least try to get one morning to sleep in a week

    2. You’re in a lot of emotion and self-recrimination over this, and you also need some practical solutions. It’s hard to deal with both of those things at once.

      You feel resentful, angry, cranky, upset — and like you’re constantly just about to careen out of control. You’ve turned on yourself: You’re convinced you’re lazy, and maybe just selfish. You feel trapped, like there is no solution and no way out and no way for all this to change. These are all some pretty big emotions, and I’m guessing some of them aren’t trustworthy.

      So, first things first: how are you doing physically? Have you dealt with anxiety or depression in the past, and if so, how are those things for you now? Are you heading into hormonal changes because of peri-menopause (this can heighten all your reactions and eat up your resilience)?

      Then, knowing yourself: When you get stressed, do you turn inward (self-hatred and blame) or outward (anger at others)? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? High energy or low energy?

      Finally, what have you done to try to counteract all this, other than talk to friends and your husband—are there any concrete changes you can make, or are you at a place of not even knowing what those might look like?

      1. Yeah, skip out on some of the family social commitments – your husband can take the kids if he cares enough to go. Send the kid to sports practice in a carpool, you don’t have to go! Make a list of “most important things” to get done at work and give yourself permission to relax/go to a hair appointment or the gym during a workday as long as those things happen. Setup a playdate for one of those half days of school so you don’t need to take your kids/time off work/make it up at night. You don’t have to do all these things, but this is just to brainstorm some of the things that might not feel like you can do but you actually really can do.

        1. We made a rule that if my husband chose to sign a kid up for something I didn’t want them to do HE was in charge of every bit of it. Transport, uniforms, bags, etc. Cut way, way down on the ‘oh but little Johnny HAS to play 5 sports a year plus camps every break’ nonsense.
          I also think there is room for dividing and conquering here – both of you don’t need to be at every single activity, that’s ok!

    4. I feel this SO HARD. I absolutely hate shared PTO pools because I do not have adequate time off for sick time, my kid’s illnesses, and any semblance of a vacation. I should have access to that without needing to work late at night to make up hours – cutting into the tiny bit of free time I get. People who get sick more often or who have chronic health needs also deserve protected vacation time and I will absolutely die on that hill, so don’t bother arguing with me about it. I’ve heard every argument before.

      I want time to actually enjoy my family and not be managing errands and cooking, my least favorite chore. I would outsource more things if we had the money for it. And this is with a moderate to low-stress WFH job! I cannot imagine living this way if I were still commuting three hours a day. I would literally lose my mind.

      1. I will bother arguing to point out that I suspect what you really hate is inadequate amounts of time off, period. A combined pool of PTO is lovely if you have enough of it from the start.

        I get 35 days of PTO per year. It is now just one big pot that I can use for any reason. It used to be split, with 10 days designated as sick leave and the rest as vacation. As a pretty healthy person and a boss who would demand proof of illness before approving sick leave, having that split dictated to me meant I got two weeks less time off each year than most of my colleagues. Enough of us complained about this that HR changed the policy and now I get to use all of my available PTO.

        1. Nope, I strongly want defined sick and separate vacation. Sick time should be essentially unlimited with a mechanism to trigger a transition to disability. Vacation time should be generous. People who are sicker or who have family obligations should not get less vacation time than their healthier peers. 35 days of combined PTO for me (with child and elder care responsibilities) leaves me with almost no time for vacation.

          1. Fully agreed. It’s “fair” to give everyone the same number of days, but it’s not equitable.

          2. Whooboy! You are not describing workplace reality in the USA. Maybe there are countries where this is the norm, but not here, and as someone who represents an employer, there are good reasons why there is not unlimited sick time. I am sorry if you are battling a chronic illness, though.

          3. Oh hell no. I decline job offers that differentiate between sick time and vacation time. I cannot schedule my illnesses to fit the narrow number of days that they allow me to dedicate towards being sick. And I am done working at places that force people to come to the office ill because they were audacious enough to catch multiple colds in a single calendar year.

          4. You realize that if you do combined PTO only, people are drastically more likely to come to work sick? If they have a vacation in Hawaii planned and only five days of PTO remaining, they are absolutely not staying home for a cold. This has been a massive problem at every place I’ve ever worked, all of which have had combined PTO.

          5. My US workplace had unlimited sick leave. You did need a doctor’s note for anything over 5 consecutive days which I think is fair – if you’re out for more than a week at once you probably need to see a doctor at some point, and they want to make sure people aren’t calling out sick to go on vacation. But you could use occasional days for things like flu and stomach bugs without seeing a doctor, and people who had more serious conditions like cancer or surgeries could get a doctor’s note and be off for much longer periods of time. You could also use sick leave for caregiving for children and elderly parents although the same rule about a doctor’s note for >5 days applied.

            I thought it was really fair — with the doctor’s note rule no one was lying and using extended chunks of sick leave to go on vacay, but it was there for those who truly needed it. fwiw, even with kids in daycare and elderly parents, I probably only used 10-12 days most years, and I never heard of anyone using months of sick leave except one coworker who got cancer.

          6. 1:15: You realize your experience isn’t universal, right?

            When my office switched from split time to a combined pool, the number of sick people in the office decreased dramatically and resulted in far fewer office-wide illness events as a result. As has been stated a number of times, this result requires that we give people a large enough pool of time that they can schedule vacations and still have enough days available to be sick or take care of sick household members.

            At the time we switched, we did have a very small number of people who tried to take their entire 7 weeks of PTO as vacation, then come into the office sick so they didn’t have to adjust future vacation plans. In a few particularly egregious instances, we sent sick people home and told them they could either adjust their planned future PTO, coordinate with their supervisor to WFH if they were up for it, or they could opt to take the time off unpaid. It was made very clear that they were not allowed to bring their contagions into the office any longer in this manner. They very quickly learned to better budget their available pool of PTO.

          7. I’m not the 1:15 poster but I think that experience is pretty universal. No one wants to miss a vacation for illness, so there’s a lot of motivation to come to work sick and save your PTO for vacation with a combined pot. Remote work can reduce this issue though, if you let sick people work remotely (which many workplaces do, especially post-pandemic).

          8. Agreed – people always, always came in sick to “protect” their PTO for vacation. The idea of “budgeting” appropriately is not something I ever saw work in practice. People are bad at predicting which year they might get the flu (which could require 7 days off) when usually, they might need only 2-3. The generous sick time with doctor’s note for 5 days+ approach is much, much better.

          9. When the company provides generous amounts of time and then enforces its use the combined pool works well. We don’t allow employees to spend a day vacationing from the office while pretending not to vacation; likewise, we don’t allow employees to spend a day sick in the office while pretending not to be sick.

            This does require leadership to address issues when people try to abuse the system, and it requires leadership to provide a solid amount of time off. When those parameters are met, it works really well and doesn’t infantalize adults in the workplace by requiring doctor’s notes.

          10. “We don’t allow employees to spend a day vacationing from the office while pretending not to vacation; likewise, we don’t allow employees to spend a day sick in the office while pretending not to be sick.”

            YMMV but this sounds way more infantilizing to me than needing to supply a doctor’s note for a protracted absence. If an employee wants to power through a mild cold, it should be their choice to do that. Ideally remotely, so they don’t infect others, but telling people they can’t work when mildly ill is insane to me.

            Also, how do you know who is actually sick?! I have terrible allergies and am regularly sneezing and coughing without being contagious. Surely you have employees who sometimes appear quite sick but are actually just dealing with allergies or other non-contagious conditions. I have a friend with Crohn’s who often presents like someone very sick with norovirus. Whether someone is contagious or not is not an easy thing to determine! And trying to do so would require employees to disclose personal health information which seems way more inappropriate and invasive than having them get a vague from you doctor that says “X is dealing with a health condition and will be away from work for Y days.”

          11. Human nature being what it is, I don’t see that working.

            Imo, single, childfree, younger, healthier people should not be expected to work more hours for the same compensation as others who need more time off. That’s a recipe for inequity. Been there, done that. Left that for somewhere that treated everyone equally.

    5. fwiw I also identify as lazy but this sounds pretty intense to me and I don’t think it’s weird that you’re burned out. I have a kid who’s pretty busy (3-5 activities at a time, most of the time, including some ball sports) but we still eat dinner as a family most weeknights and don’t have our weekends consumed by sports tournaments. I realize if you have 2 or 3 kids the family schedule gets busier unless you pull back on the number of activities per kid, but I still think this schedule is intense compared to most people I know. How old are your kids? Are they in travel sports? Rec should not be this intense and if it is, I second looking for alternative leagues.

      Also I don’t know how relaxed your WFH job is, but I feel like one of the big benefits of a WFH job is being able to sneak things like meal prep and exercise into the work day. Even if it’s just a 20 minute yoga video or something it’s better than nothing.

    6. can you start a rotating carpool with other sports parents that live near you? surely at least some of them would also appreciate a break from the logistics!

    7. This is not a you problem. Your friends must have a lot of paid help and/or easier jobs, and your husband is not stressed because you are the one juggling everything.

    8. You don’t have to go to every sports tournament or game. Honestly, if my schedule was so busy that I couldn’t get a haircut, I would send the kids with my husband to the game that weekend and go get my hair cut during that time. Alternatively, schedule a haircut for a weeknight and have your husband do bedtime.

      You have to find some basic time for yourself. In modern life with kids, that means prioritizing it over something that you would have otherwise done during that time.

      1. I actually find haircuts so challenging to fit in. I work full-time and they don’t have good availability when I have time, plus I don’t want to blow a Saturday morning or afternoon when we could be enjoying leisure time as a family. I get them pretty infrequently as a result. I don’t do nails at all.

        1. It may not be as glamorous as a boutique salon, but walk in haircut places like Great Clips and Supercuts are open outside of office hours.

          1. Especially if your cut and style is fairly basic, I wouldn’t hesitate to go this route.

        2. I started taking my daughter to my salon when she was around 5 or 6, which made fitting in haircuts easier, because then it was family time. (The salon is not fancy and was ok with it.)

      2. This. I would just stop going to all the kids games. My parents never went to anything I played besides state championships and it was absolutely fine with me. Preferred even. Your kids are busy but you don’t have to be.

    9. I don’t know if your framing of the issue is doing you any favors. Needing more downtime isn’t a moral failing. If it’s something that you need, it’s something that you need, and calling yourself lazy isn’t going to change that fact, it’s just going to direct your anger about the situation inward towards yourself. The popular advice of the day is to choose what’s more important to you and drop some of the other commitments, but I recently read Haley Nahman’s substack “The tragedy of trying to live well” and that resonated with me more. The thesis is more or less that if you’re really living well you’re not going to have time for everything and you’re going to need to let balls drop and it doesn’t mean that you don’t value the things that fell through the cracks. I will cancel plans and turn down invitations if I haven’t been getting enough sleep, I tend to get super moody when sleep deprived. (Thought it was PPD with my first child, but then I had another period of my life that resulted in very poor broken sleep and had the exact same levels of despair/random crying/apathy towards life, so now I know that skipping sleep has serious consequences for me and I prioritize it.)

      1. +1. I would love to be one of those people who can power through without much sleep or downtime. I cannot. I do not thrive. My anxiety ramps up, and if it goes on too long, then I get depressed.

        I still do a lot, don’t get me wrong, but I have gotten a bit militant about giving myself space in my schedule, because I actually need it. And it sounds like OP does, too, and it’s not a moral failing.

    10. “There is zero break on the horizon and talks with my husband and close friends have me convinced this is a me problem.”

      What??? Excuse me?

      Some people need more down time than others.

      I say this as an extremely high energy person (I’m 45, sleep 6.5 hours a night, work out for an hour a day, am an attorney, and have a kid): people are different and people need down time. Shutting down someone’s down time isn’t cute or funny or motivating.

      1. It’s super convenient for your husband (!!) and close friends to have you do all this work so they can live their preferred life. That’s an awful way for people who should care about you to treat you, though.

    11. Why do your kids sportball and family social commitments take priority over basic personal care? Just because other families juggle it and are willing to prioritize things in that hierarchy doesn’t mean you have to. What would happen if your spouse attended the social events solo so you could get your hair done? Or you had a fellow sports parent do the after tourney driving while you went grocery shopping?

    12. You’re not lazy. You are an introvert. FWIW, I would not thrive under a busy kids’ sports schedule, either. Lots of families do; ours would not. I’m relieved that I have music kids.
      I think you’re less alone in this than you think. People just don’t admit to it.

          1. There’s also less parent involvement expected. You show up at the final musical or concert that the kids have spent 2-3 months preparing for. But the parents aren’t expected to be at stuff all day every day on every weekend.

          2. Show choir is like a travel sport, especially if your child’s school is one of those where kids are in multiple ensembles. You are looking at 2-3 days of spectating every weekend for several weeks during g the season.

            For theatre you just have to pick them up at 11:00 pm a lot.

      2. My kids played team sports all through grammar school and high school. My standing rule was one sport per kid, no winter sports, no travel teams, no summer leagues. I was explicit that we needed down time. It was a decision that felt right for our family.

      3. Yes, to you are likely an introvert. Social engagements DRAIN introverts. You can’t will yourself into being an extrovert. You need more alone time to regain your energy. And yes, that includes getting your hair done or solo activities. Even activities with 1 or 2 people are less energy sucking. I would sit down and block out the negotiable activities. You don’t have to go to every child activity or optional social activity.

      4. I have music and dance kids, and it’s really lovely now that they are in high school. It is a lot of late and/or random pickups, but it’s rare I’m ever expected to observe any rehearsal. That said, my kids are not super ambitious.

      5. Agreed. I am a busy busy person, but I need alone time to continue to function. That is an introvert characteristic. It is not a personal flaw, no matter what extroverts are telling you.

        Reading “Quiet : the power of introverts in a world that won’t stop talking” was a big eureka moment for me.

    13. I’m curious how old your kids are, especially the age of the youngest, because I think that makes a difference here. That said, I’m in a similar boat, and have taken/am exploring taking the following steps:

      1. not volunteering so much for workday things (picking kids up, dropping them off, taking them to the doctor or dentist, meeting the contractor, whatever). Having less of this each week, so I have a higher concentration of full workdays where I’m in control of my own time, makes a huge difference for me. Also not putting two non-work workday commitments on the same day.
      2. Getting kids where they need to go in alternative ways. This is a work in progress but I expect will involve some grandparent help for us, and maybe a sitter too.
      3. Weekend daytime babysitting you schedule in advance, whether or not you think you’ll need it.
      4. Hiring someone to help with tidying the house before our cleaners come every two weeks.

      Not all of these will work for everyone, some of them require money that may or may not be available, etc., but it’s the stuff I think might help me, so I’m throwing it out as food for though.

      1. one more thing: I’m hoping to go out of town for like a week this fall. Stay somewhere nice to be, work remotely (so while my husband will have to carry some load at home, I won’t be shortchanging any family vacation), set my daily schedule without considering of having to put someone to bed or be awakened by someone at 5am, just do my job with way less on my daily plate and more control over my own time.

    14. Maybe it is a you problem, but it’s still perfectly legitimate. I love Saturday soccer games, but you really don’t have to go if your husband is going. Skip a few (not all of them, but one or two) and take the time for yourself. Your whole family will be better off.

    15. Quit something. The sports, doing your own grocery/housecleaning, the work that expects you to log on after hours… whatever it is, if your body is screaming at you like this, listen to it. You do not exist to burn out. If your life is structured in a way that is making you resent the people you love most, change the structure.

      There is nothing wrong with you other than assuming that you’re the problem. The situation is the problem. What can you change about it to make it work better for you and yours? Which of these things do you hate the most, and how can you eliminate the pain points?

    16. I think a lot of what people consider a “normal” level of busy is too busy. I believe that it’s better for you and your kids for you to do less so you can be well-rested and happy, even if that means fewer activities for them.

      1. +1 the “norm,” especially in affluent, keeping-up-with-the-Joneses neighborhoods is not healthy for a lot of kids and families.

        1. +2. I don’t see how it’s good for anyone, but I know that’s an unpopular opinion.

      2. +3 and when my Jones-ing colleagues start to complain about this ish I have no patience for it. They chose that life, they can deal with the exhaustion and stress. No one is forcing them to have multiple kids in pricy travel sports, spend every weekend at a lake cottage 5+ hours of driving away, and have a full social calendar of neighbors to impress.

        1. I have several coworkers who COACH their kids’ travel teams and complain constantly about the travel and the stress and how they spend all their vacation time on sports. I have zero sympathy. I’m also a parent, btw.

          1. tbf, if you’re committed to the travel ball lifestyle, coaching your kids is probably good for the kids. Otherwise you’ll barely see your kids! That lifestyle appeals to me zero, though.

    17. This may not be what’s happening for you, but I think a “flexible” wfh job can become a source of stress if you are regularly expected to flex your standard work hours to handle family obligations and then catching up during what should be your downtime (and getting no downtime). And this so much more frequently afflicts Mom in a family, at least in my circle. Dad gets protected work hours in which he can fully focus and sometimes protected recreation hours as well for golf or whatnot. While Mom is juggling work and family from 7am – 10pm.

      1. Very good points. OP, what is your husband doing to relieve the stress from this situation, which doesn’t sound very sustainable?

      2. My family was utterly deaf to the idea that my full remote job involves just as much work during work hours as an office job.

        Was, because I just faded away from the family who treated me like that.

        IMHO, I have an office job that just doesn’t involve a commute.

    19. You are NOT the problem. You are way too stretched with commitments that are based on meeting the needs of others- your kids, husband, job, etc. The saying “put your own oxygen mask on first” applies here. Figure out what can be outsourced or eliminated and do it. Most important, replace those things you let go of with activities that you need and enjoy- like sleep, salon visits, etc. Others will give you a hard time because they won’t like this change, and that’s too bad for them. Ignore the critics. You deserve to have a life, just like they do. Hugs to you!

      2. Everything this person is describing is an optional part of having children. You absolutely shouldn’t have them if you don’t want them, but don’t assume that this is a mandatory part of motherhood.

        1. +1. You can also stop at 1 kid, which is significantly less chaotic than 2 or especially 3.

  13. You are not lazy – you are an introvert who needs solo quiet time to recharge. I have a much less complicated life than you do, and I feel the same way at times.

    How is your husband helping with / contributing to the feeling of chaos? It sounds from your comment like he is essentially “blaming” you for feeling a certain way. If that’s actually the case he needs to top the blaming – if necessary get counseling so he can begin to understand different needs. Is he also out of PTO from taking time off work to handle kids sports? If not, he needs to begin taking time off work to handle the kids sports.

    Can you take a sick day to decompress? Don’t use it for grocery shopping, but do use it to sleep in, get a walk outside for fresh air and exercise, and get a beauty parlor appointment for hair and nails so you feel a little more like yourself. (Unethical life pro tip: schedule the sick day on a Friday so you can claim your glamorous makeover occurred over the weekend. If asked, your salon charges a penalty for late cancelation).

    1. Yep, this. I am the sole 8-5 office job type person in a family of teachers, and about once per year have to have the, “Yes, what you do is overworked and undercompensated, but I have THREE WEEKS out of the year of time off. Plan accordingly.” It usually comes up when someone can’t figure out why I can’t do all the holiday plans AND all the summer plans. Wish I could (except for summer weekend with drunk Uncle MAGA), but that ain’t my reality, and is the price I pay for being able to cover the bills.

    2. Agree 100%. You’re an introvert and need alone time to recharge especially after heavily social events.

  14. I know there are some horsey people on here. . . I’m considering my first lease – riding twice a week. Anything I should be wary of or look for in a situation like this? Previously, I’ve only ever taken lessons with an instructor – this will give me one ride alone per week and one lesson, which will be new. Both the horse and barn are totally new to me – I’m going to look at him on Saturday.

    1. I am currently leasing out my horse right now while I’m pregnant. Unless the barn comes with a great reputation/recommendation, I would take some lessons with the trainer first to make sure you mesh before committing to a lease. Don’t let the trainer talk you into the lease if your ride goes poorly/you feel unsafe by saying the horse is having a bad day or that he’s tricky but you’ll figure him out. He should be safe safe safe and not quirky for someone in your position. Some trainers get really pushy especially with less experienced riders.

      Not sure how much horse experience you have (sorry if you know all this already) but when you go you should be looking for evidence that the horses at the facility are well-cared for (in good weight, feet not overgrown, well-fitted tack, cleanish filled water buckets, evidence that stalls are cleaned daily, free-choice hay available, shiny summer coats right now, barn aisles that aren’t stacked with junk/crowded with loose dogs).

        1. Yes I did! First pregnancy I rode until about 26 weeks 5x a week. This is my second pregnancy and I was already riding less to start with due to toddler, had less energy, and my stomach just got bigger faster, so I stopped around 20 weeks. That said I am a very experienced rider and felt very comfortable that I wouldn’t fall off my horse – I wouldn’t have gotten on a random horse.

          1. Makes sense. I rode my bike until 20 weeks and would have gone longer except that I didn’t want to get hit by out-of-control teens on “e-bikes” (motorcycles). I found my doctors were very supportive!

      2. Thank you so much for this! I’m very new – started riding about three years ago as an adult. You’re 100% right in that I don’t want any ‘quirks’ – I want a safe, sweet, dependable horse, that I feel consistently okay on. I’ll be on the lookout to make sure conditions are good – thanks again!

    3. Late to this so hopefully you see it, but I echo taking some lessons with the instructor before you lease to make sure you click. Also, if you lease and it’s anything other than just paying per ride for the non-lesson ride–have a written contract (a lot of places don’t and this often leads to problems with mismatched expectations). Make sure it spells out specifically what the obligations on each side are and what the lease covers. What happens if the horse is lame–do you still have to pay or not?

  15. Burnt out gov’t attorney here. Trying to conceive so I was waiting before I look for other jobs. Well, it is not happening so should I look for a less stressful role? I am so depressed about infertility and my job.. I have to do trials so the current role is stressful. Any advice will be appreciated.

    1. what kind of government, that would be helpful for us to make suggestions. trial work is stressful full stop but would you miss it?

      1. It’s criminal.. I don’t think I will miss trials. I enjoyed it until getting burnt out and I feel dreadful to think about the intensity and anxiety of trials. Workload is not too heavy. Pay is not bad..

        If I can’t find anything.. I may need tips to feel better at a job I feel stuck in.

        1. Try a city/county/special district. That could keep your pension and benefits, and have a more balanced schedule. Otherwise, you could check out firms that local governments outsource to.

    2. Hey, the burnout is REAL with criminal trial work. My coworkers can handle the stress a lot better than I can – it took me years to figure that out though. Is there a role within your office that would be less stressful, like maybe a calendar court or diversion court instead of direct trial work? Can you get there somehow? Do you like writing? In my state at least, the attorney general’s office is always delighted to pick up a prosecutor because of their trial experience. Yours will make you marketable to a lot of places, so take a peek and see what’s out there. Hugs.

      1. Thank you! I think it is difficult to find a non-trial position in our office now although something can open up later. I wish I can manage stress better. I do like research and writing. I will start looking at opportunities at the attorney general’s office and county counsel positions.

    3. Oh, one more thought – if you’re a prosecutor, check out your county counsel’s office (or the equivalent in your jurisdiction). I’ve seen several people go there over the years because some of the work they do is criminal-adjacent but it seems WAY less intense.

    4. Can you slide into appellate work? That can sometimes allow for more flexibility, control, and management of your time.

  16. My sister invited me (and our other sister) for a night out with her friends to celebrate her birthday. Not a milestone birthday, btw. Based on past experiences, I know it’ll go late and involve a lot of drinking. I live an hour away, so that means I either need to go for a little while and not drink much or at all; skip the whole thing; or find a place to stay for the night (not sure where).

    I want to celebrate my sister, but I really don’t want to do the full night out. At this point, a late night affects me for several days afterwards, especially if alcohol is involved. It’s sometimes worth the inconvenience and lost sleep for a special occasion, but I truly feel like late nights are usually not worth it. I would feel differently if it were just me + my sisters, or if a milestone were involved, but I’m not enthusiastic about a late night with a bunch of people I barely know and who are much bigger partiers than I am.

    Am I a terrible person if I go for awhile then let her have fun with her friends? Or drive up next week to take her out to dinner or something?

    1. It is completely fine to bow out early (especially given the drive). It’s okay not to find a place to stay. It’s okay to have plans the next morning.

    2. I’m guessing your sister is in her early 20s? This is the type of celebration that most people seem to grow out of quite quickly beyond that stage of life. It’s not very compatible with adult responsibilities, at least not without making yourself miserable.

      In your shoes, I would just celebrate with her some other time.

      1. No, she’s in her late 30s with three kids. She doesn’t go out all the time, but when she does, she does it big.

        1. My mom and aunt can (and do) drink me under the table. The youths aren’t so much into drinking these days, personally I maybe drink thrice a year.

    3. Go, buy a round, and then dip out early because you need to be up early for the widget festival.

    4. I would go and hang out for a while and then leave. That counts as showing up for sure!

      1. Oh, and I wouldn’t do the “let’s meet one-on-one another time” approach. I know some people like to do that but IME, that’s a brush-off/cop-out. It will make more of an impact if you show up for a portion of the scheduled event.

        1. +1 any time someone says let’s hang out another time my inner monologue is just like ‘Jeeeeze can’t even tell me the truth and have to use that tired old lie ‘

          1. My best friend had a (formerly) close friend literally blow off her local wedding and say “but let’s get coffee next week!” That’s…not how it works.

      2. Yes! Go out, eat, have some fun, have a drink, drink lots of water and iced tea, give her a card a balloon, and enjoy the evening.

    5. Does “night out” mean dinner somewhere and then the party continues at a bar? I’d go for dinner and then bow out when the party moves on with zero guilt.

      1. Brewery, dinner, another bar. I think I could swing the brewery and dinner, but I really don’t want to extend myself beyond that.

        2. Honestly you may not even be the only person who ends the evening with dinner. But it’s fine if you are too.

        4. I’ve noticed that at multi-location events like this, it’s very normal for people to leave after one or two and I’ve never picked up on any offense from that. I would definitely go to dinner – I feel like the “but let’s celebrate another day” move is a little precious – but I think it’s totally fine to leave when you’re ready to leave.

        6. I think brewery and dinner sounds perfect. I agree people will likely drop off after dinner.

    6. I did not expect this to end with “am I a terrible person?” No, of course you’re not! A terrible person wouldn’t care how her actions affected someone else. You do. You’re a caring person who is struggling to figure out how to show love for someone she cares about, when the activity is something she doesn’t want to do.

      I’d go for a while, drink veeeeery lightly (driving!) and then bow out. Or create another, just-sisters evening. Do one or the other, or both, as you see fit.

      1. Obviously not arguing that anyone should drive under the influence but confused by several recent posts that heavily caution to drink “veeeeery lightly” like it’s a moral failing if you were to finish a whole beer.

        1. I would not trust myself to drive after one drink, personally, but I know people have different tolerances.

          1. I just find it odd to specify a minuscule sip only, as though without that warning the reader was going to get trashed then drive.

    8. Obviously you’re not a terrible person. Going for dinner and then going home is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Does your sister guilt you a lot or are you a people pleaser?

        1. I promise that going to dinner and tapping out after that is very normal and you probably won’t be the only one.

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