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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Danby Pull-On Pants

I feel like many clothing companies have heard our collective cries for more elastic-waistband pants, and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

These cotton-blend pants from Boden look professional and pulled together, but they have no buttons, just a faux fly front detail and a little bit of elastic in the back. Plus, they have real, functional pockets!

They come in this very basic navy, which would be great for the office, and several other fun prints, which would be great for the weekend.

The pants are $90 at Boden and come in sizes 2–22.

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

323 Comments

  2. Any ‘rettes live in or near Winston Salem? DH got a job there so we will be moving this summer from DC. We’re early 30s, no kids, and I’ll be staying on remote at my BigLaw job for the time being. Have never been and don’t know anyone there so would appreciate any advice/insight/recommendations you have on what the area is like and where to live.

  3. Anecdata-
    -what’s your degree in, and does your job require that degree?
    -How long have you worked at your current job?
    -How long did you work at the job before that, if applicable?
    -When is the last time you applied for another job or called a recruiter back? (Not just thought about leaving)

    My answers:
    -J.D., yes
    – current job 2.5 years
    – prior job 1.5 years
    -actually applied: two months ago during a covid tantrum (but only online, to one, didn’t call anyone and haven’t gotten called)

    1. -Masters in CS, a bachelors would have worked fine too but my bachelors was in a different topic
      -4 months
      -1.5 years
      -A few days ago – they reached out to me and I figured why not at least find out what this is

    2. – J.D., required for role
      – current job: 3.5 years
      – prior job: 3+ years
      -actually applied: 6 months ago and have received an offer and given notice to current job.

    3. – B.A. in Political Science/English. My job does not require that degree; it requires at least a minor in Business, which I had to go back to school for.

      – I’ve worked at this job for six years.

      – I worked at my prior job for eight years.

      – I haven’t applied/looked for a job since I got the one I’m currently in.

    4. -JD and Tax LLM, required for role (not everyone has a tax LLM in my group, but most do and it was strongly preferred when I applied)
      – 4.5 years
      – 3 years
      – I have not applied to any jobs or called a recruiter back since I got my current job

    5. 1. JD, yes
      2. Current job, 5+ years
      3. Prior job, 6 years
      4. Applied? None, I generally like my job, am fairly compensated, and was recently promoted.

    6. – BS in Environmental Science, yes. My job generally requires that the person has a technical degree related to the job (engineering, geology, environmental science, life sciences, etc). There is a pathway into my job without having at least a bachelor’s, but it would require being entry level for 10 years. Most people have an undergrad degree, many have master’s.
      – 8 years
      – 1.5 years (first one out of college)
      – about 3 years ago? heart wasn’t truly in it though. had a lot of other life stuff going on back then

    7. JD, yes (law firm)
      current: 13 years
      prior: 1.5 years, 4 years
      applied: not since I got here, was having kids for several years, then climbing ladder, now equity partner

    8. – BA, Journalism and Spanish. Job requires a BA, but not in my major’s subject matter. Had to supplement my education significantly when I took a pivot 2 years post graduation in to current field – lots of night classes, etc. Lots of transferrable skills from my major, though – writing, critical thinking, interpersonal, and so on.
      – 8 years
      – 3 years
      – 3 months ago. Always willing to talk to a recruiter. I like my job, but people move around. I always want to know what’s going on in the market so I’m usually open to a conversation if the role seems interesting. Clearly haven’t taken the bait though as I’ve been in place for 8 years and counting.

      I’ll add, I work in commercial real estate finance/ibanking.

    9. Ph.D., yes
      current job – 5 years next week
      prior job – 2.5 years
      actually applied – last week, but will ramp up asap to get out of here

    10. *Master’s degree in General Management and Marketing. Job requires it, but I can imagine people without formal degree to be successful in marketing as well
      * 9.5y with current company, although I change roles every 2y. Have been in my current role for 1.5y
      * 1y in previous company as it was a mistake
      * Haven’t been actively looking or recruiting, but that will change after summer as my company is not doing well, we have 3rd wave of restructuring ahead of us and I am already tired of the constant non-productive changes and disruptions. Also, my manager s@cks big time.

        1. I am not anin, but I get bored right around the 2 year mark so I either make a formal, leave the company change, or push very hard for an internal move. Depends on the work environment and availability which direction I take.

        2. It just happened naturally, e.g. changing brands in portfolio, moving up a layer, moving between countries, moving to above-country role. We have higher rotation in marketing and sales, but higher stability in other functions (e.g. compliance, HR, regulatory affairs, medical). There is no expectation for people on some sort of track to either progress every few years or they are out, if this was the question.

    11. – B.A. in anthropology, M.Ed, technically my job requires neither but they come in handy sometimes
      – current job just over 2 years
      – prior job 2 years (but 8 years w/ that company)
      – a couple weeks ago, had a zoom interview but nothing else

    12. MFA in Visual art; no (although having some kind of Master’s adds credibility)
      –6 years
      –8.5 years
      —called back – 1.5 years ago. I generally get recruited for lateral moves, which I’m not interested in making unless there was a significant salary bump or quality of life increase. I’ve looked at job listings periodically but nothing seems very appealing. I generally like my job, although the pandemic has made it a lot less fulfilling. (I work at a performing arts organization).

    13. B.A. in Anthropology, no. I ended up taking an entry level role in technology and I’m currently at the point where my experience and skillset stands in for education.
      8 years at the company, 1 year in the role.
      2 years.
      A few months ago.

    14. Pre-legal career . . .
      – B.S. Sports Marketing, and not necessarily. Internships were more important
      – worked in that industry for three years post UG – first for a year, boss took me to new job with him, worked there for two years before I went back to school

      Legal Career
      – JD, yes
      – 5 years at the company, current role 1.5 years, moving into a new role at the same company in two months
      – within company: anywhere from 6 months to two years in a role before moving into a new one.
      – before current company: regional “big” law – 2 years, state government – 2 years, a variety of odd jobs (substitute teaching, recruiting, real estate: 6 months to 8 months)
      – a month ago – I was unhappy in my current role and was evaluating external positions while pushing for an internal move

    15. – JD, required for job
      – current job: 3 years 3 months
      – prior job: 7 years, 3 months
      – applies to three jobs in January when I was frustrated with my current job, got an offer for one of them and just waiting for my background check to be completed before giving notice

    16. -MS in Aerospace Engineering. Job requires a bachelor’s in one of a handful of engineering disciplines. Most people, myself included get the master’s while working. Some master’s degrees are business, some engineering.
      -18 years
      -0, this is my first job out of college
      -14 years ago. I have been promoted, given more responsibility, and assigned to new projects, but officially the job is the same and I haven’t interviewed in 14 years.

    18. Degree in Philsophy, so clearly not. So, so, so clearly not. OTOH, I totally need symbolic logic to do my job (light quant finance job that also cares a bit about tax). And I guess I do think a lot when I am at work. I have to write clearly. It’s just hard to say that this degree qualifies you to do something.

    19. BSc in Political Science – my job didn’t require this degree specifically but required *a* degree, and then this job role uses a lot of the skills I got from my degree.
      1.5 years – almost 5 years at this company though.
      Applied for another job at this company last month (but mainly for practice, as it’s a level up from where I am currently)

    20. – Bachelor of Music and Master of Music in Music Performance, no
      – 4 years
      – 6 weeks – 2 months (my job before this was a temporary job)
      – 2 years ago

    21. – MSN, kind of, preference was for a MD or PhD
      -current job 3 months (same company as prior)
      -prior job 2 years
      -talked to a recruiter/hiring manager 2 weeks ago, mostly info gathering as they are kind of a competitor

    22. – Bachelors in economics, masters in accounting — job requires my masters but not my bachelors
      – 6 years, about to switch roles but within my own company
      – N/A (unless you count summer jobs in college)
      – Applied last Nov for new job within company, sophomore year of college was the last time I applied outside my firm (internship led to job offer without any other applications)

    23. -JD, yes
      -11 years
      -7 years
      -I reached out to a contact a few weeks ago about an opportunity, but I haven’t decided if I am going to pursue it further. I generally like my firm and the income that comes with being a shareholder, but I am always willing to explore options.

    24. JD, yes
      Current job: 1 year
      Prior job: 2 years
      Job searching: currently searching and applying for in house.

    25. – BS & MS in Chemistry. My job requires a degree, but not specifically the degrees I have.
      – 3yrs in current role, 9yrs total at company
      – 4yrs at previous role (but still at same company); 3yrs at previous company
      – I was actually job hunting this past fall, did some interviews & was a finalist for 2 roles, but then had a come to Jesus discussion with myself & realize I want to change roles, not companies. So now I’m looking at changing roles internally.

    26. JD, yes; MLIS & BA, no.
      -11 years in various roles
      -2 years
      – applied for an outside role 4 years ago, interviewed 5 years ago.

    27. Engineer (I got a bachelor in IT engineering and another one in Business administration mid-career). My job does not require this exact combination, but with a career in senior leadership and digital transformation, something similar is probably a good start.
      2 weeks
      2 years
      I last applied for a job in February, and changed to this new role as a result.

    28. _ JD, yes
      – Almost 2 years
      – Prior jobs: 1,5 and 4 years
      – Not since I started this jobs, but have been getting calls from recruiters recently – apparently the market is hot. I’m not looking to move until I have kids, use my great maternity benefits, and then possibly leave biglaw.

    29. – BS in a hardcore STEM field, don’t use it at all in my professional life
      – 10 years, although that includes a 1 year stint at a competitor after succumbing to a very persistent recruiter, not liking the competitor, and returning to the first company
      – 15 years

    30. -J.D., required
      – current job: 12.5 years ( a niche, public interest lawyer job)
      – prior job: nothing relevant. I am still at my first job out of law school.
      -actually applied: not since applying for this job. I hadn’t even thought about looking until a few months ago when I was feeling very burned out. I think it is mostly pandemic-related though and hoping it will get better as things open up in my state and my kids go back to school in the fall.

    31. First career:
      BA in music performance and English. Job completely unrelated to degree; required bachelor’s degree in any field plus relevant skills and experience. 5 years. Applied for and was offered other positions at the one-year mark but decided to stay and take a promotion.

      Second career:
      JD/MPP. Both required in lieu of PhD.
      12 years, since graduation.
      Have not applied for other jobs. Niche field.

    32. PhD, required
      Current job almost 3 years
      Prior job just 1 year (it was a postdoc, so not meant to be long-term)
      Haven’t applied since I started current job

    33. -Political Science. I work in politics, but political science has absolutely nothing to do with the practice of politics. Nothing is specifically required, but Business would have been more useful.
      -4 Years
      -2 years
      -Like yesterday? In the process of actively changing jobs.

    34. My brand new current job required a BA/BS with a Master’s preferred. Human Resources, Communications, or a related field.
      – 3 weeks in on my new job and I love it.
      – Just under 5 years in my last position, almost 15 years with the company. Felt stagnant and like my boss was leading me on that I could be promoted in role. Very few internal options in the past few years.
      -Was in pandemic hibernation mode working from home but called a recruiter back at the very end of January to at least hear more about the role. All virtual interviews. Received offer by the end of March. They advised not to give notice until the background check was completed in 1 to 3 weeks. I think this is great advice because with all of the identity theft that happens some weird thing could pop up and create issues.
      My education: BA in history with a minor anthropology. I don’t always mention the anthropology minor, but I love seeing all of the anthropology degrees here! So many people asked what I would ever do with history and anthropology. My grandma always stuck up for me and said “She will do whatever she wants. Probably something we haven’t even heard of because it doesn’t exist right now”. Then I got a Master’s in Spanish and studied in Spain for a year. I did a teaching assistantship for the second year (taught one class each semester) so I didn’t pay any tuition for the program. Then my last employer had tuition reimbursement so I did an MBA. I guess I like free education.

  4. PhD, yes.
    Current job – on various research grants but fundamentally the same job since 2017.
    Prior job – various contracts, worked 4 years in SF nonprofit before heading for my PhD
    Applied – Monday, my contract is up in February and who know what is next? Applying for all the polisci jobs but honestly, need to start looking more broadly.

  5. I just finished Hamnet, which I had really been looking forward to since I love historical fiction and there were many glowing recommendations here, but… I hated it and could barely finish! The writing was so overwrought (endless metaphors), the characters and plotlines thin, Agnes a tired cliche of the witch-y herbalist, the whole “William must not be named” thing felt like a silly affectation, and some scenes felt like their only aggressive purpose was to extract tears from the reader. I’m truly shocked I didn’t like it because historical fiction with a side of plague is my jam, but not this time.

    Any other new recs for me? I have Caleb’s Crossing on my list (loved Year of Wonders) but need new ideas! I like fiction that is a bit more spare or even stark. Doesn’t have to be historical but I do love the genre.

    1. Oh no! It took me ages to get into it but I liked it at the end. Have you read the Essex Serpent? A Change of Climate by Hilary Mantell? Passing by Nella Larsen? How to Pronounce Knife – short stories though. I have the Patricia Lockwood on my shelf and it’s got a funny style you might like?

      1. Ooh and I have more. I wonder if going back to some of the writers of the 40s, 50s, and 60s would give you that more spare, experimental style you’d like? Have you read Camus’ The Stranger?

    2. I wouldn’t call it “stark,” but you might like Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall Trilogy. I haven’t read the third one yet but Wolf Hall and Bring Up The Bodies are great.

    3. I also didn’t like Hamnet despite the fact that I usually like historical fiction. I recently finished and liked The Kingdom of Back, which I also saw recommended here. It has historical fiction elements with magic/fantasy intertwined, which I was at first skeptical about, but ended up enjoying. Wouldn’t say that it is spare or stark though.

    4. I agree. I expected a lot of Hamnet, but didn’t enjoy it at all. The ending pulled it together enough that I didn’t completely hate it, but I think I agree that the characters and plot just didn’t have much to them. And sorry, Cb, I felt sort of the same about The Essex Serpent- it just went on and on without ever going anywhere, though it was a bit better than Hamnet. I did really love both Year of Wonders and Caleb’s Crossing, though, so definitely try Caleb’s Crossing.

      I recently read How Beautiful We Were by Imbolo Mbue, which was pretty good, and definitely on the spare side, semi-historical (like 60s/70s Africa-today). I also just finished The Parable of the Sower and The Parable of the Talents by Octavia Butler, which were very compelling dystopic fiction.

      1. Stop reading a Year of Wonders 15 pages from the end! It’s really great up until then.

    5. Half Life by Jillian Cantor. Fictionalize story of Marie Curie, one thread follows her actual life and the other follow what may have happened if she stayed in Poland and married her then boyfriend.

      1. How do you find the flow of that one? I’m a bit over novels that jump back and forth in time periods or switch to different characters’ perspectives every chapter…

        1. I usually don’t like books that jump around, but I thought this flowed well. The stories alternated every other chapter and covered the same basic time period.

    6. I couldn’t even finish Hamnet! Felt exactly the same way- why was it on so many best lists???
      I’ve enjoyed: Great Circle, the Rose Code, the Lost Apothocarey, The Last Painting of Sarah de Vos.

      1. Those look PERFECT for me, thank you! Adding them all to my hold list at the library as we speak.

    7. I struggled with Hamnet too. It took me a long time to get through, and I never really settled in and enjoyed it. I didn’t hate it, but now that you’ve articulated all the problems with the book, I think I dislike it more now :)

      For fiction that’s more stark, I’ll recommend Parable of the Sower, or if you prefer historical fiction, Kindred.
      There, There by Tommy Orange might be your style.
      The Vanishing Half and The Mothers by Brit Bennett.
      Sing, Unburied, Sing and Salvage the Bones. Jesmyn Ward isn’t exactly stark, but she doesn’t waste a word.
      For a major throwback, Ray Bradbury’s writing is atmospheric but easy to read and not overly wrought–wait until October and treat yourself to Something Wicked This Way Comes.

    8. Have you read The Other Boleyn Girl? I am not a huge historical fiction buff but I loved that one. Also loved News of the World.

      I just started Golden Hill by Francis Spufford, which is subtitled “A Novel of Old New York,” ca. 1746. Just barely getting into it but enjoying it a lot so far. However beware the language is a bit period-appropriately flowery.

      1. Also all the thumbs up for anything by Octavia Butler, the pride of Pasadena, California!

  6. Has anyone tried Prose shampoo and conditioner? I’m intrigued but worried it might be a bit of a gimmick. I have thin, straight hair and always looking for more volume.

    1. Has anyone tried Prose shampoo and conditioner? I’m intrigued but worried it might be a bit of a gimmick. I have thin, straight hair and always looking for more volume.

  7. does anyone else feel like somehow in the past 4+ years, this country has regressed by 50+ years. between the rhetoric of the former administration encouraging hate towards minority groups, the number of women who left the workforce due to the pandemic, the rollback of reproductive rights ( yesterday the TX governor signed a new abortion law (bans abortion the moment a heartbeat is detected, no exception for rape or incest, and individual citizens can sue anyone they believe might have been involved in helping someone violate the law), etc.

    1. Yes, I sometimes feel like that even though we technically have made lots of progress in 50 years. But our progress as women seems very fragile. Misogyny and sexism are accepted and even celebrated on both the left and right while women get squeezed into the tiny middle with no way out. It’s truly frightening.

        2. I don’t think Jessica Valenti is posting on this s!te, though it would be cool if she was

        3. I’m not sure if anon is Jessica Valenti (the founder of Feministing), but I would be completely chuffed if she was lurking and posting on this site and the moms site!

    3. Texas has absolutely taken a hard right turn lately, and we were already in the far right lane. But the reason for it is actually hopeful – its because the Republican party is scared. Our state government is up for re-election in 2022, and a lot of the top politicians in the state (Governor, Lt. Governor, AG, etc) aren’t publicly supporting each other for re-election next year. The governor already has a primary challenger from the right he’s worried about. This legislative session was supposed to focus on our electrical grid, increasing broadband access, and budget reform, but that doesn’t make a splashy campaign ad to fire up your base like “I outlawed abortion!!”

    4. Yes. I think a lot about the picture of women in Afghanistan in the 1970s wearing modern Western clothes and think about where things ended up under the Taliban only 20 years later (or basically how they are today) and I worry.

      1. I also think about those photos quite often. I think it’s important to remember that progress isn’t linear and any gains are fragile.

        1. I think that was a major part of Margaret Atwood’s point in The Handmaid’s Tale too. It takes place in the American future, post-feminism, not the past.

    5. Absolutely, but the regression started happening before then. School racial segregation is worse in my metro area than it was decades ago. My mom’s high school is the 70s was 50/50 black and white. There are no public schools like that here any more. None. My (Black) grandparents often said that the public schools that Black kids attend in my area are much worse than the formally segregated schools they attended as kids.

      I have an elder relative who was deeply involved in the Civil Rights movement (as in features in documentaries level of involvement). The big achievement at the time was the Voting Rights Act…which was gutted a few years ago by the Supreme Court. The movement to limit minority voting has only accelerated. Very depressing to be fighting for the same exact voting rights so many decades later.

    6. No. I spend a lot of time with much older women, many of whom are Black immigrants, and am very aware that no matter what today’s concerns are, I’m better off now (both legally and culturally) than they were when they were my age in 1980 or 1985. My life so far and my future life prospects (access to decent public or private education my entire life, a graduate degree, able to own property in my name, ability to vote and participate in the political process, etc.) are vastly different than theirs was. I feel lucky, even if I think we still have a long way to go.

      1. I think the one that that does scare me honestly is the resurgence of anti-Semitism. I will admit that I thought we had finally exorcised that demon for good, so that has been kind of a shock.

        1. Yep this one for me. Obviously I’m not in a position to personally judge as a non-Jewish POC but as a child and young adult (90s and 2000s) I can’t remember one instance of hearing anti-semitic sentiments from anyone, it didn’t even occur to me that people currently held those sentiments – granted I live in the South where there is not a large population. I think as a POC from a historically persecuted group, it just never occurred to us to negative sentiments about another historically persecuted group. As a child in my mind they had melded into any other religious and ethnic subculture of white Americans. It shocked and disappointed me in the last 8 yrs or so hearing so much.

          1. I am Jewish and I guess fairly privileged that I have not experienced overt antisemitism, always living and working in areas with substantial Jewish populations. However, lots and lots of my friends and relatives have experienced the spectrum of degrees of antisemitic treatment.

        2. i am not so sure i think we had gotten rid of it for good, but it is scary how quickly it comes back out and escalates. as a jewish person, with grandparents who were Holocaust survivors, targeting jews around the world for the current happenings in Israel is as ridiculous as targeting Asians as a result of Covid

        3. I grew up white in a very white part of the country, and unfortunately heard lots of overtly anti-semitic comments from white, middle class grade school kids (in some cases I know their grandparents held similar views). Often they had things to say about Native Americans as well (lots of manifest destiny romanticizing). White supremacy was edgy as was a triumphalist fascination with World War II. I’m blonde and blue eyed and remember kids telling me that this meant that I would have been safe and privileged like them in what seemed to be their favorite period of history. Working class people I know were less invested in white supremacy but more invested in conspiracy theories (David Icke type stuff).

          This was all in the 1990s. I’m not in touch with people I grew up with (for reasons), but I wonder sometimes if they are part of the alt-right now.

    7. Yup, absolutely. It feels like a lot of men think it’s now ok to be more vocally misogynistic, and everyone feels like racism is now ok too. Under the anonymity of the interwebz, I will admit that the past several years has really soured my opinion of men as a gender.

      1. We don’t talk enough about how men commit nearly all violence, especially sexual violence. We probably don’t talk about it enough because every single time, the conversation is derailed by #notallmen or accusations of “misandry” (not a thing).

        1. Maybe.

          But what I tell my kids (girls), is that if they are away from me and need help, find a woman.

        2. Alternate take: some people get tired of other people beating the same illogical, nonsensical, and frankly discriminatory drum all the time, in answer to just about any discussion about a social issue. We get that for you, ALL MEN BAD. Believe me, we get it. However, I would like you to explain to me how on a philosophical level, what you’re saying is different than the white supremacists commenting on Instagram about how the majority of crime is committed by Black people, and using twisted statistics and omitting information to make their case. Aren’t you doing basically the same thing? Why is it acceptable because you’re talking about men, and not generalizing about some other group?

          1. Because it’s not “twisting statistics” to point out that men do literally 95%+ of all the child rape in the world. It’s not “omitting information” to accurately describe the historical and current trend of men being near-solely responsible for all sexual violence against women. This isn’t an agenda. This is data.

    8. Not at all. Women couldn’t open credit cards without their husband’s permission until 1974. In 1980, 11.6 percent of doctors were women. Today it’s 48%. The marital r*pe exception existed in some states until 1993. Gay marriage wasn’t legalized nationwide until 2015. I truly think there has never been a better time to be a woman in the US and I am grateful to my mother and grandmother and the other women of their generations who helped make it that way.

      1. Being a doctor isn’t what it used to be (in terms of pay, respect, autonomy, hours, quality of life). To me it seems that the more women enter a profession, the more the profession struggles (often against newly powerful administrators who are often men).

        1. Agree with 11:10. This hypothesis is somewhat testable in reverse as well by looking at computer programming, which was in its early days often perceived as more of a librarian /reference job and much more female. As it became more prestigious, it became more male and highly paid. There was a pretty good study or article on this a few years ago but I forget where I read it.

          1. Can vouch for that. My MIL is 85 and was an early computer programmer for the govt (when that was where the vanguard was) and it was just another GS-whatever job.

          2. And This is absolutely true. Look at psychotherapy for another good example.

        2. Being a doctor is still very well paid and prestigious. And until the 1970s, women could be barred from medical school on the basis of gender. We have come a long way and we have more opportunities than ever before.

          1. Also, you don’t have to drop out of school now or get fired b/c you are pregnant (even if you are unmarried AND pregnant (unless maybe you work for a religious school)).

    9. I don’t know, I think it’s easy to get caught up in the media narrative, but then binge watch some older sitcoms and the casual racism/anti-LGBTQ/etc makes me cringe. I think we’ve come a long way in the last decade.

      1. I agree, but progress in pop culture does not equal progress in politics or the law. I think the series Mrs. America showed this really well: the pro-ERA activists were super cool and maybe even idolized in the culture, but in their legislative goal they lost.

        1. And some of the things that desperately need to change in the US are scarcely represented in media (e.g., “child marriage”).

          1. Does child marriage really happen though?

            I know tons of abuse of teen and younger girls occurs, plenty of girls get pregnant by older men, but age differences with teen girls and older men are likely to be abusive. But I was not thinking that child marriage occurs often (even with parental consent). I had thought it occurred to beat a statutory r^pe charge. Info pls :)

          3. If it’s a 16/20 marriage, especially if the girl is pregnant, I don’t have such a problem as there is really no good fix there and it is probably not abusive the way a 15/45 marriage is. IDK how many of each there are, but my sense is that this never happens in Potomac but often with very poor girls with very limited life options outside of this.

          4. Thanks for posting the infographics. They show that 95% of minors who get married are over 16, predominantly get married to people between 16 and 20. How many cases is too many, is of course up to everyone to decide, but the fact that marriages of minors dropped by 61% from 2000 to 2010, shows that this is objectively not a growing problem.

      2. I don’t disagree, but it’s easier for me to watch an episode of Friends from 1999 and see a joke about Chandler accidentally kissing a man at a bar than it is to watch TX ban abortion in 2021. They’re just not on the same plane.

        1. …I was involved in the gay rights movement in the mid to late 1990s, and TV jokes were the least of it. I’ll never forget having bottles thrown at me (and I was very obviously a young teen) during a pride march. Three years ago I was at the same march and watched random passersby enthusiastically cheering as a young woman surprised her girlfriend with a marriage proposal. The transformation has been massive.

    10. I share your worries – but I feel the regressive incidents that you’re referring to are a reaction to the progress that we have already made. My theory is that those making these decisions are scared of the swift changes we’ve seen over the past 5/10 years, and are just holding on to whatever they can of what is “normal” to them with a white-knuckle grip.
      Yes, certain presidents and other politicians have made it more socially acceptable to be outwardly bigoted (which I hate), but the strides we’ve made with LGBTQ visibility and understanding, for instance, is astounding.
      I try to be optimistic, while still intensely frustrated, ha!

    11. Yes. I’m childfree, in my 40s, and still can’t find a doctor willing to sterilize me in this bass-ackwards red state. I’m terrified of a premenopausal “oops” pregnancy.

      1. TBH, I think that is more doctors being afraid of plaintiff’s lawyers vs them being paternalistic to you.

        1. Hard disagree. It is well documented that women’s concerns are not taken as seriously by doctors, etc. Also, as a woman who is childfree by choice, I have been told time and time again throughout my life that I will change my mind. That idea is so pervasive in our society that it’s easy to see some doctors would have that attitude as well, especially in a red state.

          1. This used to infuriate me but I was an adamently child free person that even researched sterilization. Then in my mid 30’s I did change my mind and want a child. It actually caused such an identity crisis for me since I had previously been never ever stop telling me I will change my mind. I’m sure there are plenty of people that don’t change their minds but I was mortified to be one. And then ironies of all ironies, I couldn’t get pregnant and now I’m back to happily childfree.

          1. Vasectomies are easily reversible successfully. Women’s anatomy isn’t so amenable to reversing out of this.

            OTOH, I want to know why men can’t lactate. They seem to have enough of the parts that science can maybe supply the rest???

          2. And also men are presumed to be competent to make decisions about their own bodies …

          3. Men can lactate and nurse. I’m not sure they can produce enough to be the primary nurse (neither can every woman), but they have been secondary nurses in some cultures.

      2. Hey if your backwards-ass state is Indiana I know of two docs who will do tubals/salpingectomys on folks in their 30s.

      3. I’m in a red state and have no problems finding a doctor who will do that. My two suggestions:
        1. Post where you are and one of the readers here almost certainly can tell you who will do it.
        2. Find the local mom’s Facebook group and ask there. A solid quarter of them will have had tubals and can tell you who is good and who is bad. You’re in your 40s, so the concerns of 25 year old childless women don’t apply.

    12. No. I think a lot of progress has been made, but in my view, what has happened is that what you are perceiving as regression is the amplification of the now smaller (but still prevalent) groups that are hanging on to these disgusting and terrible ideas. The media has changed, the internet has allowed what was bubbling under the surface always to rise to the mainstream. I think that some of this is good in the sense that I would much rather see and know these groups and individuals so I can target my activism and energy towards an actual person/object/group vs. people thinking these groups/ideas, etc., have been eradicated (obviously, I do NOT think actual harm to any individual is a good thing).

      There is still a LOT of work to be done, do not get me wrong, but I would rather fight the enemy I can see than one that large groups of people do not think exist (because they are underground).

      1. Yes, I agree. I skew older than most on this board, and almost everything is so much better now. For example, in my late teens I was considering joining the Air Force because I wanted to work on radar technology. My mother discouraged me, telling me the Air Force was full of lesbians. I had no idea of what a lesbian was, knew nothing about homosexuality, and there was no one to ask. Sheltering like that isn’t possible now.

        I do believe that there is amplification of the furthest edge of any issue, for both sides by the media to get clicks. My perception is people less tolerant and faster to push back than in the past, which is probably a good thing, but creates frustration. But I lived 35-ish years of the 50 you refer to, and today is thousands of times better.

      2. I think of this as “extinction bursts.” Like when you encourage a child to stop bad behavior but they just have to have one more tantrum first.

        1. It’s absolutely that.

          I love talking to my mom and dad about current events because they were antiwar and civil-rights activists in the sixties, and lived through that really tumultuous period of social change, so they have a different perspective on things. One thing my dad told me, that really helped my mindset, was that in all the documentaries about the sixties, they focus on the positive changes that came out of the activism and there are all the pictures of happy hippies in fields, etc. In reality, according to my parents, living as an activist was hard AF. My dad was beaten, sprayed with water, and gassed at protests. My mom was working in the SNCC office at her school and several students came in armed with guns and threatened everyone working there; the campus police laughed off the report and offered no protection. More than once, my mom was followed back to her dorm room after a meeting or protest and harassed by men who threatened to rape her. My dad’s parents were threatened with expulsion from their church after my dad’s picture was in the paper in an article about an antiwar protest. Etc. Tons of incidents happened that never made the news, and because there was no social media, the only people who knew about what was happening were the people it was happening to. Progressives then met with as much – or more – pushback against progress as progressives now; it’s just in the hazy glow of forgetting the past we’ve forgotten about that. My dad said, “It wasn’t like in the sixties everyone just woke up to the idea that discrimination was bad, and passed equal rights legislation and it was all hunky dory. People forget about the fighting part, and there was a lot of fighting.”

          I think we’re in a similar period of tumultuous social change, and of course the establishment that has benefited from inequity is going to fight tooth and nail to keep that inequity in place. But even though there’s a lot of two steps forward, one step back, in the end we are making some progress. It’s just less progress than I, personally, think we should have made by now.

    13. Women left the workforce because schools weren’t open and “virtual learning” requires a tremendous amount of help from the child’s parents. Given how low-risk children are, and how many young people with college degrees were out of work, the obvious solution (after spring 2020) was to have any kids who wanted to go back, go back, to be taught by any willing teacher; if those teachers were high-risk, we could hire on smart young people to do it for a year. Such suggestions were met with “You want to kill grandma,” “You hate science,” and “You think people should die for the economy.” Shockingly, traditionally marginalized communities (women, minorities, poor) were hardest hit by the school closures, because the first to get hit are always the most vulnerable. Then, when the obvious happens (traditional caregivers do more caregiving, those with the lower-earning job take the career hit), it’s suddenly a problem.

      The reason that it feels like women’s rights are being rolled back is because no one but feminists care about feminist’s gripes anymore. Forget conservatives – apolitical moderates are incensed and think the feminist movement has nothing to do with them and is best off being relegated to the dustbin of history. I know lifelong moderate Democrats who are going to political demonstrations for reopening and are furious with the alleged feminist movement, which appears to be a bunch of richy-rich Mean Girls who hire private tutors and tell middle class women that they are bad people for wanting their kids to be in a public suburban high school.

      1. Your default assumption here is that if someone needs to take care of the children, it’s a woman. You prove the point of the article linked above.

        1. No, that is not my default assumption. I stated, quote, “traditional caregivers do more caregiving, those with the lower-earning job take the career hit.” You obviously are not capable of understanding normative versus descriptive statements.

        2. Not who you are replying to but I don’t think women are the default caregiver (my husband is the primary caregiver in our home). However, let’s not ignore what actually happened and what the reality is during a pandemic. The above poster is 100% right about why so many women dropped out of the workforce. You can stomp your feet all you want and say well that assumes women are the default caregiver but the reality is that’s the case for many two working parent households. Even in homes where the parents hold progressive views, inequality at work and the wage gap often mean that the man earns more so when someone has to step back the logical choice for the family is mom because she earns less not because she’s a woman (this is why my husband is the primary caregiver, I way outearn him so it makes sense for his career to take a hit for things like sick days and such – it’s better financially for our family to prioritize my career). I know this isn’t what you are arguing but comments like this assumes that women need to be the default caregiver really places a society issue on individual women and tends to blame them for marrying the wrong guy or for opting out of the workforce when the reality is so much more complicated.

        1. What solution are you referring to? Opening schools? What doesn’t make sense about that

          1. It’s off-topic. What’s relevant or actionable about that here in June 2021?

          2. The many school districts that haven’t committed to opening in the fall? Seems very actionable to me

    14. The big thing that depresses me is the wealth gap widening. I feel like the choice to have children is increasingly more difficult (with burden unevenly placed on women) as wages for younger generations aren’t keeping up with what boomers saw. I’m Gen X with a master’s degree and my whole working life has felt like a struggle of ridiculously long hours, few vacations and a standard of living that is not as great as what my parents had. And yet I know I have it better than those after me whose student debt and chance at home ownership is an even harder path. Data bears this out: The average Baby Boomer working in 1989 during their early 30s had quadruple the wealth of what millennials have at that same age today. Something is seriously wrong in this country when so much wealth is concentrated on so few. Millennials make up the largest share of the U.S. workforce, but control just 4.6 percent of the country’s total wealth. Three millennials—Mark Zuckerberg and Dustin Moskovitz, who co-founded Facebook Inc., and Walmart Inc. heir Lukas Walton—hold $1 of every $40 among this generation. What does this gap looking like as Xers and Millennials age, and there isn’t enough social security left post-boomers, and the jobs that we’ve slaved over haven’t given us enough to sufficiently save.

      1. Randomly, has Elizabeth Holmes had her baby yet (with another rich heir sort of dude who IIRC is quite a bit younger)?

          1. It’s a satire but boomsday sorta hints at this – basically it wouldn’t surprise me to see violence against rich retirement communities, golf courses, other typical retirement hobbies, especially those that skew rich. Those “death panels” the right made up to scare people about the ACA may actually become something people advocate for as healthcare costs rise for those on Medicare, especially if people are seeing their grandparents get free knee replacements but are on a payment plan to pay for their hospital bill for a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy/birth.

          2. Death panels weren’t entirely made up. When dialysis was first invented, panels decided the allocation of this costly treatment, and ‘social worth’ was one of the criteria. Google God panels if you want to learn more. Unsurprisingly, this turned out to be neither fair nor objective, and society found a (flawed) way to make this treatment into a medicare entitlement almost 50 years ago. I don’t think we will roll the clock back 50 years on the point of life saving care.

    15. Honestly, I just think it’s the same sh*t, different bottles. Some things ARE better – women can open credit cards and their own bank accounts, there are anti-discrimination laws, you don’t have to be a married woman to get birth control. But a lot is still awful or it’s just morphed into something different. More women are in the workforce – so let’s ratchet up the expectations on ALL mothers! We don’t have “jobs for men” and “jobs for women” listed in the want ads now – so let’s just make the full-time hours expectation a lot longer! Etc., etc.

  8. Bath towel recommendations? My Restoration Hardware towels frayed in the wash after only a few months.

    1. Frontgate has nice towels. The set I have is new and very plush (very!). I cannot speak to how they hold up. I’ve also ordered from Parachute (2+ years ago) and found they were fine, but not really hype-worthy.

    3. For RH prices those things should be woven out of indestructible, mile-long fibers!

      We buy whatever white towels are on sale at major dept stores. Our latest from Charisma have lasted about 5 years now (washed and dried weekly). There are some small areas starting to fray along the edges but not too bad.

    7. Lands’ End pima cotton towels, watching for a sale when they are 50% off. These are thick (but not silly thick) and absorbent. I replaced mine last year with more of the same. My first set did not fray at all until after at least 12 years of daily use.

    8. Coyuchi. Best towels and sheets ever. Pricey but I have had the same towels for more than a decade with no signs of wear.

    9. I’d return them as defective. I’ve been running RH bath linens through a Speed Queen on the cycle with the highest level of agitation for three years and they are in pristine condition. RH customer service over the phone can be frustrating – if there’s a store anywhere near you take the towels and speak to someone in the store.

      1. +1 on returning as defective. My RH towels purchased well over a decade ago and have used often only have minor fraying.

    10. Ralph Lauren. The ones from the RL website. I’ve heard from other posters here that the RL towels sold at other retailers, Macys for example, are of inferior quality.

    11. We love our Everplush Diamond Jacquard towels – they have held up extremely well, and they are soft and absorbent and dry very quickly. I think we originally got them on Amazon, but I’m pretty sure they have them a lot of places.

    12. I have a 20 year old set of Ralph Lauren towels from Macy’s that are just starting to die. I would go RL.

    13. I had a problem with my restoration hardware hand towels shredding. I reached out to the company with photos and they replaced the towels for free. Knock on wood, the new ones have been problem free!

    14. Nordstrom towels. I’ve been buying for 10 years and have never looked back.

  9. Any words of wisdom on taking the plunge into the 2 piece swimsuit world? I’ve always been a one piece or tankini girl thinking about taking the plunge. I’m a 16 and while I think I look cute in clothes, a little nervous about being in public in basically underwear!

    1. If you think about how much time you, personally, spend analyzing other people’s bodies at the beach, you might realize that no one cares that much!

      But if you prefer the structure or coverage of a tankini or one piece, no shame in that either. I prefer strapless suits and the added structure of the torso means they’re a lot more comfortable than bandeau-style bikini tops are.

      1. Ummmm. I personally definitely notice other people’s bodies at the beach. A lot.

        1. Have you tried swimming, paddleboarding, or bodysurfing? You might find those activities more fun.

          1. Oh I swim constantly always in the water! But. I for sure notice everyone around me.

        2. +1

          And it is because of my own insecurities and a baseline level of cattiness/b1tchiness.

          1. I have (and hate) cellulite. It’s genetic, and my son has had it since he was little on his chubby toddler thighs. I am working on accepting it but if I had a magic wand I’d love to airbrush it out…

        3. I notice other people’s bodies a lot too, but I’m not particularly looking at it or judging in any way. I also notice a lot of other things at the beach, and this is just one of them. Just because people notice you and what you look like doesn’t need to be a big deal! They’ll also notice you building a sandcastle or playing with your dog or just enjoying the day. All normal things.

        5. Noticing people can go the other way, too. Like, oh, look at Anonymous rocking her awesome two-piece that fits right and looks cute and comfortable. I wonder where I can get a suit like that.

          1. Yes, this! Me noticing other people’s bodies at the pool or beach is usually one of these things:
            – wow, that is such a cute suit, I love that colour on them/ that’s such a cool print!
            – wow, they look really comfortable in their body, I’m so jealous of them
            – hm, that doesn’t look like it could possibly be comfortable/ they’re going to get some weird tan lines from that suit.

          2. I’m a size 1x. When we went to Hawaii, pre pandemic and I was splashing around in the pool with my kids, I noticed this woman staring at me, the way you do when someone is looking at you. Every time I looked her way she seemed to be glaring at me. She was about the same size as me, but was all covered up sitting on a lounge chair.

            I mentioned it to my husband and asked if it was imagining it so he started watching, and confirmed that yes she was glaring at me.

            My first thought was that she thought someone our size should get out of the pool and cover up and that’s why she was glaring at me.

            His first thought was that she was jealous of me rocking my bathing suit and wished she had the courage to do so.

            I mean, I will never know which it was, but it found it interesting that my default assumption was that she was judging me negatively and his was that it was from a positive angle.

            (Also a sign that my husband loves me, which is good!)

        6. I barely pay attention to other people’s bodies and as such, have been horrified to find the way that other people (women as well as men) stare at my body. It would never have occurred to me that people are that bored or catty. On the flip side, it does let me know who I should avoid.

          1. I notice bodies (men and women) the same way I notice a flower I like, or a bumper sticker, or anything else that my eyes see as I am going about my day-to-day life. I am observant and curious, I can’t set my eyes to “don’t see women’s bodies.” I notice them like I do anything else. There is no boredom or cattiness for me.

          2. There’s a continuum from plain not noticing, to observing but immediately moving on mentally, to staring and thinking about, to evaluating or judging.

            Ask yourself why people’s bodies are so important to you. There are several women who make a point to notice my body because they are “observant” and “curious,” and in reality, they are just catty women who NEED other women to be as uncomfortable in their bodies as they are in theirs. My SIL lost her damn mind when I wore a bikini to the beach, and it was blatantly obvious that she wasn’t “observant;” she wanted me to know that she had her little eyes on me and I was very wrong to not be uncomfortable in my own body.

          3. Anon at 2:40 pm – uh great that you can read my mind? People’s bodies aren’t important to me at all. I couldn’t care less what other people look like, but as a sighted person who is curious and observant, I SEE them like I SEE a car, or a bicycle or an effing sandwich.

          4. Anon2, why don’t you re-read what I wrote at 11;47 am about the distinction between “barely pay attention” and “stare at”?

          5. I read it just fine. Other people’s bodies are not that important to me – I still see them. I’m not sure how you can determine how my noticing is staring because I am somehow obsessed with other people’s bodies. This sounds like a YOU problem!

    2. I’ve got a mom tummy and I really like pairing the jcrew high-waisted ruched bikini bottoms with their plunge v-neck bikini top – the longer line of the top and the higher waisted bottoms allows me to show some skin without feeling too exposed (and the bottoms have good ‘seat’ coverage which is handy as I’m still very active in the water with my kiddo and have no patience for futzing with my suit constantly).

    3. If you get high waisted bottoms you’re a lot more covered up, if that’s a thing you feel self-conscious about. I feel like my current bikini isn’t much more revealing than a tankini.

    4. I’m the same size, (er, or was before COVID ;)) and I recommend Lands End bikinis. I get a print that isn’t too frumpy and I always get compliments on them. At the risk of sounding like a creeper, I will say that feeling water on my belly as I swim is the most freeing and empowering feeling after always squishing myself into one pieces to try to suck me in. I recommend following plus size influencers on IG to see lots of bodies looking absolutely amazing in bikinis. Do it! And if you find any cute size 16/18 suits anywhere, hope you’ll post back with links!

      2. +1 to Lands End! I just got a bikini from them, and their high waisted tummy control bottom really does fit nicely and looks good.

      3. I’ve been wearing two-pieces since I realized how nice it is not to have a cold, clammy swimsuit clinging to your stomach. And so much easier to pee!

        I ordered a bunch of mix and match swimsuit tops and bottoms from Amazon. One brand, called Tempt Me, has some really nice retro styles, including a high-waisted bottom that is quite flattering and a halter style top that is substantial enough – I’m a 32DD and it can be difficult to find swimsuit tops that are tight enough around the rib cage yet have enough space in the cups (I got a medium in this top). I also recommend Prana for two-piece swimsuits. I found a top on Amazon that is halter style but has some crisscross strappy business in the back that makes the top more secure and looks pretty cool.

        I also notice people at the beach, but I’m usually thinking, hmmm, I should get a cover-up like that, or gee that cooler looks handy, or how the heck do people walk in flipflops without tripping over them?

        1. Frankly the ease of bathroom use is the major reason I went back to wearing 2-pieces, it is just SO annoying to wrestle a wet 1 piece down in the bathroom and then use the toilet basically naked.

          2. The lifeguard hack (“push it aside”) for peeing in a suit changed my life.

    5. Try Nani Swimwear (REI). It’s a size-inclusive brand (and I think women-owned? maybe?) and the styles are flattering. I’m almost your size and I got a high-waisted style for the bottoms that looks good.

      1. I got a Nani bikini at REI this year and I LOVE it: well-made, fun print, super-flattering, definitely feels like it’s going to stay put for more active beach activities. If you go directly to Nani’s website they offer a wider range of prints and colors than REI.

        Also, they are definitely women-owned and they don’t use professional models or photoshop the images on their website.

      2. I got a Nani bikini at REI this year and I LOVE it: well-made, fun print, super-flattering, definitely feels like it’s going to stay put for more active beach activities. If you go directly to Nani’s web s i t e they offer a wider range of prints and colors than REI.

        Also, they are definitely women-owned and they don’t use professional models or photoshop the images on their web s i t e.

    6. I think a moderately cut bikini is usually more flattering than a tankini or one-piece, on bodies of all sizes. I prefer the sporty brands–Athleta, Prana, Carve Designs. You will get lots of recommendations for Lands’ End, but that’s so frumpy.

    7. Yes! Same size as you. I’m comfortable in a two-piece that doesn’t slip below my tummy, and a top that doesn’t dig in my back/sides. So I look for mid/high rise bottoms and tops with thicker side pieces. I have a moderately sized chest so don’t usually need to worry about underwires or cup-sized swimwear.
      My advice is to identify what YOU personally need in a suit to feel comfortable and then shop with those requirements in mind. Also, check out Swimsuits For All – they have lots and lots of options with all coverage levels, and plus size models with nearly every suit!

      1. When I was a size 16 (I’m bigger now) I had a bathing suit I always thought of as my Marilyn Monroe suit. High waisted bottoms (which are in again!) and a structured bra type top. I always felt hot in it.

    9. Here’s the key for me – you have to get used to being in that state before you take it to the beach. We are so buttoned up at work and the like it feels really jarring to be in a bathing suit. My body hasn’t changed that much since I wore bikinis happily so I think it is more me feeling less comfortable showing skin. Before a vacation, I’ll wear my bathing suit around the house doing random chores, just trying to get comfortable being in it period. I feel less exposed after conditioning myself that way.

    10. I feel a lot more confident when I have good bust support. Athleta is a good brand for me. I have also learned to resist the urge to buy a larger size on the bottom so my love handles don’t stick out. You don’t want them coming off when wet!

      And not to dissuade you from two pieces, but of you want an in between, there are a lot of fun, youthful one pieces with cutouts rn that are just as revealing as two pieces but a little more forgiving through the tummy. I love a deep V, it’s such a flattering cut for me.

    11. I reject the idea that women must look a certain way in order to wear a two piece swimsuit.

      Whenever I’m in swimwear, it’s for myself—I like to swim, relax, and play with my kids. I wear sporty two pieces, because that works for me. I’m not a swimwear model, so I don’t go to job interviews in a swimsuit.

      If someone judged my body/swimwear, they wouldn’t be worth my attention. However, I’ve never had a problem.

      1. Preach! If someone wants to judge me instead of enjoying a day at the pool or beach, that’s their issue and it has NOTHING to do with me.

  10. We just joined a neighborhood pool. I am giddy with excitement about the idea that we’ll have a place to swim this summer! (We live in metro DC. I find the heat and humidity miserable all summer.) Any tips on getting organized and stocked for trips to the pool with my kids? I owned a pool in the past, so we had lots of systems for organizing our home pool, but now it’s a different situation. For example, what kind of netted bag/container is good for goggles and other wet items that need to dry?

    1. Enjoy! We tend to like the Lands End BIG towels (they are fairly ginormous, great for wrapping kids up like burritos after swim so they don’t shiver and drip everywhere). The Boden hooded towels shirts are great – I’d often strip off wet suits, pop those over a kid plus undies and that was that for the ride home.
      I’d strongly suggest a zipped Boat and Tote bag for your stuff (ours lives in a closet and is perpetually stocked with sunblock, bug spray, a wet bag, etc.) Oh – get a wet bag! You’ll probably also want a small-ish cooler for snacks/drinks unless your pool club has a fridge/snack bar (and even then, we often would still bring our own healthier/cheaper options).

    2. I use a Scout bag (lots of knockoffs, and the MLM ThirtyOneBags sells something similar) to hold everything. Also have a mesh tote bag – $10 at Target – for wet items on our way home. Look into microfiber beach towels to take up less space.

      You really only need sunscreen, goggles, puddle jumpers (if younger), and water bottles. Maybe some cash if they have a vending machine. Maybe a Wet Brush if hair tangles are a problem.

      I overpack, so I also bring a change of suit and undies for both kids (leftover trauma from diaper days). Extra goggles for friends. Sometimes a small cooler for snacks and juice boxes. Our pool allows toys but not floats so we have some sand toys and diving rings.

      1. +1 Scout bags with pockets. Pockets FTW every time — sun screen; pool boys; detangling brush; snacks.

        1. I know it’s (probably) supposed to be toys, but got the best laugh out of you carrying pool boys around in your tote.

        2. Where do I get one of these and does it come with the pool boys. I’ll take my answer off the air.

    3. IKEA bags are perfect for carrying stuff to the pool or beach – huge, water-resistant, light, indestructible. And what, 59 cents?

  11. Are there any UX Researchers here? If so, would you be willing to share your thoughts about UX research as a career? For example, are you happy with your career, would you recommend it to others, best/worst parts of the job, what do you wish you had known about the field, etc.?

  12. Are there any UX Researchers here? If so, would you be willing to share your thoughts about UX research as a career? For example, are you happy with your career, would you recommend it to others, best/worst parts of the job, what do you wish you had known about the field, etc.?

    1. Check out Sakura and Stabilo brand pens. Maybe a couple sets of those and a gift card to Blick Art Materials?

  13. Anyone have vacation recs for me? We (DH, our 3 year old and 8 month old) would like to go somewhere for a week in early August. Live in SoCal, and a driving trip is probably better, but open to a short flight. Prefer non beach location since we live right by the beach and want something different. Thanks!

    1. How about Park City? Short flight or long drive, but there is plenty to do there.

        1. Thanks – I like both of these options, but just not sure the kiddos will be able to handle that long of a drive. Might be worth it though, they both seem perfect for August!

    2. Sequoia or Kings Canyon? Or anywhere else in the mountains? It’ll be hot unless you get some elevation, not sure how booked up things are at this point, though.

      1. Those parks are great, but wildfire season this year is likely going to be a beast. Both parks (I think?) were closed for extensive periods around that time last year.

        1. Yeah, I’m the person who suggested them, but I agree that August just isn’t a great time to take a vacation in CA, especially this year with so many people still trying to do things outside and a lot of pent up demand.

      1. Fires are pretty much an issue in the entire western US now. This is what climate change means. There won’t be fires everywhere, but there will be fires somewhere and the likelihood is sufficiently high that I probably wouldn’t plan a major vacation in a mountain town in the west in August (I live in a town in SoCal that has major fires in its mountains regularly, so many see to thinking about them, though not at this frequency). A weekend that you can easily cancel is one thing, but I wouldn’t do anything non refundable.

      2. Fires were an issue here, there was a large fire 12 miles from Mammoth and the lightning fires north of us also delivered some smoke.

    4. We go to the Russian river In august every year. The problem this year is that everyone jumped on the rental houses early so pickings maybe slim. But check it out. Not too far a drive and perfect not too hot not too cold summer weather. Russian River Getaways is the OG rental agency there.

      Closer to you, Carpenteria. There are tons of rental houses there and it’s a great beach for kids, with a cute little walkable town. We use MurphyKing for rentals.

    5. Lake Arrowhead? Driving trips from SoCal are tough in August if you don’t want a beach. It’s so hot inland!

      San Francisco are might also be fun if you want some city time (could split with a few days in Napa or Sonoma or Marin). Or Santa Barbara (assuming that’s not where you live in SoCal!)…though it’s a bit beach-y, of course!

    6. Palm Springs would be beastly hot, but maybe the Grand Canyon would be fun? It’s a long drive though.

  14. Where can I find put together casual outfits that I can just go out and buy? I’m striking out with fashion blogs and Nordstrom’s outfit feature seems to have changed. I’m so uninspired but need some new outfits to wear in social settings.

      1. Yes I’ve been pleased with my two boxes so far, and have picked a few pieces in between boxes to fill out my wardrobe.

  15. Collecting anecdata. Has anyone gotten dry mouth from using Pepcid? It’s apparently a 1% symptom and as usual I am one of the 1%. Trying to get a sense of how to manage it as the medicine is indeed very helpful for heartburn.

    1. It’s pretty easy to stop it for a day or two and see if the dry mouth resolves and then restart to see if it comes back. If you are absolutely sure it is the medicine, you could try one of the sister medicines (eg. ranitidine) and see if that does the same thing. There are several sister medicines. I’d also let your doc know because they might know which sister med (if any) has the least side effects.

      If all of the H2 blockers cause it, you could talk to your doctor about trying a proton pump inhibitor. Really, do not be scared by them. They are truly amazing.

      When are your symptoms worst? You could also go into aggressive dietary modifications (find triggers/avoid them/stop eating after 7pm at night if symptoms interrupt sleep, elevate the head of your bed a little at night etc…).

  16. A college friend is a former minister, father of boys, and very much a SJW. Friend recently announced that he had left his denomination (which I thought was pretty woke) to convert to another religion (that is generally very much not woke as practiced and as practiced is very mysogenistic (like I wonder if he would have picked it if he had had daughters vs sons)) because “Christianity is a tool of the oppression.” Friend is white. OK, fine, whatever.

    But I got to thinking — is there any religion that has generally not been bad for women? I can’t think of any really — even if it is not written to be unfair, it is often bad for women in practice (some much more so than others historically, some much more so than others currently). Maybe UU is more women-friendly, but that is such a small group that it doesn’t influence how people live or affect how a nation works or sets up a political system that honors fundamental rights (assuming it even recognizes them). FWIW, I used to live in another country where I wouldn’t be allowed to drive (among other things) had we stayed, so maybe I have felt this in a way Friend hasn’t (but I still want to rant; rather than do it on FB I will just pose a curious anon musing here). OTOH, my state is currently trying to raise the marriage age to at least high school juniors (or maybe to 18; we aren’t on the frontier anymore; TBH the thinking seems to be that this is more predator-related or something).

    1. I don’t know that this has historically been true, but my impression of reform Judiasm is that it is very women-friendly. Take that with a big grain of salt, though, because I’m of a different religion so not speaking from experience. Also, I agree Unitarian Universalists are actively pro-women, based on my experiences with them.

      1. Disclaimer: Am Episcopalian.

        I think most Episcopal churches in American (and a lot of mainline Protestant denominations like the Lutherans and the Congregationalists) are pro-women and explicitly feminist. Of course, in any church you have imperfect people who do things imperfectly. One of the people that gave me the most trouble about being a working mom was a woman who was the Episcopal Sunday School director.

        Frankly, I think even in a lot of more conservative denominations, churches are formally or informally run by women, so guys (clergy or not) that attempt to tell women to obey their husbands or that they are somehow lesser than men get laughed at and disregarded. Source: my mom laughed her head off when she was asked to do a “wives obey your husbands” Sunday School lesson at a Presbyterian church in the 1970s.

        1. The point about the Sunday School director is a good reminder that sexism is systemic, and being a woman does not make one immune against participating in the system. Being a woman does not mean one can not internalize views that discriminate against women. Getting one’s head out of the system takes considerable work.

          1. Yeah, it’s also 100 times easier to say you are feminist, God loves everyone, blah blah blah, than to actually change stuff like only having women teach Sunday School. There are so many guys that coast on their beliefs in my oh-so-tolerant blue bubble.

    2. I believe all organized religions are bad for women. Sometimes I see defenses of “well my church did this good thing ___ for women” but those things are often against what’s actually in the scripture/tenets of the religion. My atheism and feminism are inextricably linked.

      1. Hard disagree. I am a progressive feminist Christian. The core of the Christian faith is love, redemption, and the essential dignity of all human beings. I look to the life of Christ as my example. Everything else, including the sexist garbage in Paul’s epistles, is just baggage that’s been added by humans. Plenty of atrocities have been committed in the name of Christianity throughout history, but those were caused by human failings and run counter to the true principles of Christianity.

        1. Christian faith != organized religion. If it did, our world would be a much, much better place.

        1. Can a family really covert to that? I get that there are a lot of religions that work better for adults, but if you want to look for a religious home that doesn’t send the wrong message to your children, especially your daughters, I’m not sure that the most progressive ones actually work for that.

          Like do they have a Sunday school / scout troop / baby nursery (or do they eat the babies) / mom’s morning out / preschool / vacation satan school? Bereavement ministry and AA group meeting on site?

          1. What a great reminder that organized religion gets its power by acting as a gatekeeper to community.

          3. The Satanic Temple is founded on bodily autonomy, which I would certainly hope you would want to teach your daughters.

            As for “eating babies” I refuse to engage on such ridiculousness. FFS, do at least ten seconds of Wiki research.

    3. My understanding is that many major world religions were an upgrade or a reform over what preceded them at least in their originating culture. Christianity was radical in opposing nonconsensual “marriage” for example and creating alternative paths in life for women who didn’t want to marry at all. I think Islamic family law was in some places a radical upgrade from pre-existing patriarchal norms (depending on which pre-existing culture we’re comparing it to). Sometimes what’s written is also worse than what’s actually practiced (in religions where the people doing the writing are usually men). Things can go the other direction too; I was taught (IIRC) in college that women’s position within Judaism was better in the places conquered by Alexander prior to the influence of the misogynistic culture of the Hellenistic Greeks (and that Jewish laws and customs surrounding women varied regionally for a time partly for this reason).

    4. “All religion” is a little broad. Like, I can’t speak to the Judeo-christian ethos, but my Wicca practice is focused on the DeVine feminine, so…

    5. I feel like there are two different angles to explore here:
      1 – religions and religious traditions in which the roles assigned to women are given great importance. My understanding of Reform Judaism is that this is true there?
      2 – religions and religious traditions in which women are able to do all the same roles as men are without their gender being an issue.
      I don’t know much about religion as actually practiced – I’m lapsed Church of England/Scotland

      1. Also:

        What are expectations of married / unmarried women? Are married women under the headship (or whatever) of their husbands? Can they get divorced (vs getting a get) and remarried in the faith? Are married vs unmarried women expected to do or not do certain things depending on if they are married or not?

        I know that the states in the American west tended to give women the vote in state elections voluntarily and long before American women could vote for President. I’ve long thought that this was b/c the men realized that they needed women for their survival and treated them as more equal partners. OTOH, when were we not key to survival? Only now, maybe, that a man doesn’t need to know how to preserve food to get through the winter and grow the food so it is there to be preserved. Certainly always before recently.

        1. Honestly, I don’t think guys in those states were big-hearted 19th century feminists far ahead of their time. It was part publicity stunt, part attempt to encourage more white women to settle in those states, part let’s dilute the vote of Native American men.

        2. Yes they need us, but does that mean they treat us as equal partners? One does not really correlate with the other in capitalism.

      2. Yeah im lapsed Episcopalian but appreciated growing up in a church with equal roles for women (a former presiding bishop aka the top position in the church was a woman , now it’s a Black man). My church always had female priests. The church is overall progressive, so that applies to views of women too.

        I don’t really have a reason that I don’t practice anymore, I just don’t. My friends of other denominations tend to have actual reasons, including Catholics who left the church because women can’t be ordained.

        While I don’t practice, I think Jesus is a great role model and if everyone actually followed WWJD instead of what the church teaches them, we’d alllllll be better off

    6. Christianity. You should see what the world was like BEFORE that. The passages about sex that are abused are ones that were directed at men who would literally rape slaves in the street or would get women knocked up and then leave them and their child to starve.

    7. Randomly I spent some time going down the wikipedia rabbithole on the Baha’i faith a few weeks ago, and one of their tenets is the equality of the sexes.

      I think there’s still a fair deal of gender essentialism, an emphasis on motherhood and it seems that women are still not allowed the most senior positions in the “church” — but better than most, it seems.

      1. “Better than most” seems like a very strange standard by which to adopt an entire belief system that you then hold out as defining you and often prosthelytize to others as “the one true way.” Why not just reject them all and form a belief system that aligns with . . . your beliefs. I am never going to understand why or accept that people make themselves hostage to these organizations.

    8. Literally every major world religion is patriachal at its core and therefore harmful to women. It’s why I’ve never chosen to be religious and am exceedingly grateful that I got lucky enough to be born in a nonreligious family.

      1. I am going to counter this by saying that every “major” society in world history has been patriarchal at its core since we stopped being hunter gatherers (and maybe then; it is hard to tell). You can find some very small, very limited exceptions – just as you can find very small, very limited exceptions in religion. Even societies where the laws were technically not hostile to women remained patriarchal in actual practice (Soviet Russia being a prime example.)

        It reminds me of an aggressively atheist co-worker who once said that people had done horrible things in the name of God (which is true) but had no response when I pointed out that people had done horrible things in the name of other ideologies too (Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Hitler – although in his case it was complicated) . People have done horrible things with all kinds of excuses – but that is all they have been.

  17. So I’m looking for some input. As background, I have recently realized I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. Looking back I can see how I have totally given up myself as a result of being manipulated, controlled for years. My therapist has suggested, as a first step, to try to figure out what I want to do. This is so hard because I have always done what the kids/husband want for so many years. For example, this past fall I wanted to help with my kids youth group one night a week. H said no, that I had too many things to be taken care of at home and I couldn’t do it. This is just one example of the many things he controls, including what I wear, etc. There is a women’s retreat this weekend at out church, only 2 hours. I said I was thinking about going. He said, there are too many things that need to be done here and listed several things. Yes, I know I need to dust, but there are 46 other hours in the weekend, right?

    I’m feeling like I should put my foot down here and say I’m going, but am having a hard time with that. Has anyone ever tried to make baby steps like this in order to feel like you are getting yourself back after years in a relationship like this? How do you even discover or re-discover who you were and what your interests are? Not even sure where to start. Books or websites? Thoughts appreciated!

    1. For me, I was not able to “get myself back” until I was fully out of the abusive relationship and dealt the emotional consequences. If your husband is banning you from church activities to keep you under his thumb, you are in very deep. Figuring out your interests does not seem possible if you are not allowed to do anything. You did figure out an interest (a women’s retreat) and he stopped you from going, presumably because abusers want to keep their victims isolated. Instead of learning about hobbies, I would learn about how to escape abusive relationships.

      Just as an example of a normal, healthy relationship – when I said I was too busy for my church’s women’s retreat, my husband said of course I should go and handled everything so that I could. And that was for the entire weekend, not two hours. The retreat was for the entire weekend for the specific give women time to focus on themselves instead of the responsibilities of home and work!

      1. I came here to say this. I was not able to figure out my interests until my emotional abuser was no longer in my life. This is a really hard situation, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. My thoughts are with you.

        1. Thirding. You are not going to be able to find out your own interests until you are out of this relationship. I am concerned that your therapist’s focus is on finding you new activities to do and how to safely get you out of this relationship.

          2. I assume this step is really “consider that there is more to life/could be more to life” than this situation you’re in now. Imagine a possibility of something else, have some dreams again … next, make a plan to live your own life, contemplate leaving. Finally, leave & become empowered … or something to that effect. I doubt it’s about the actual new activity at all.

    2. I think you need to start prioritizing your own safety. How will you get out of this marriage? What is your plan? That’s what’s critical to figure out. Sure it would be nice to pretend like you can solve the problem of being in abusive relationship by just putting your foot down, but that is a dangerous delusion. You get back to learning who you are as an individual once you have left him and are safe to explore.

      1. +1. You can find info on how to create a safety plan at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org). Free and confidential; use your phone and clear your browser history if he monitors your internet use.
        You are strong and you can do this. We’re rooting for you.

      2. I agree with this. If you had just overtime become deferential to your husband and kids, without emotional abuse, then we could chat about changing this and setting new boundaries. When someone else created this situation for you, the solution (if it is safe to do so for you and the kids) is to get away from that person. I’m so sorry you are in this situation. Do you work outside of the home? Do you have a safe space where you can call a YWCA or other crisis center to make a safety plan? Even if things aren’t physically dangerous now, you should start planning in case it becomes so when you either try to leave or push back on your abuser in a way that he feels his control is threatened.

      3. +10000000000!!!! OP, your concern is not this weekend’s women’s retreat. It is how to safely leave your controlling partner.

    4. I’m very sorry you’re in an abusive relationship. I won’t tell you what to do because you have to make your own decisions about your happiness (and more immediately, your safety), but I will say that I think it is very unlikely that you will “get yourself back” while in this relationship.

      1. Yes. Gently, with all the love in the world, it is vanishingly unlikely that this situation is salvageable and at some point you need to start thinking about a safety plan and an exit strategy.

        That said, yes. IF IT IS PHYSICALLY SAFE TO DO SO, start with putting your foot down and saying “There are 46 other hours in the weekend for me to do chores, and I am going to the two-hour women’s retreat.”

    5. I am very worried for you and hope you get good counsel on how to extricate yourself from this situation safely.

      1. Seconding this. OP, if your therapist is not being proactive with suggestions on how you can safely exit this situation, please reach out to a local women’s shelter or advocacy organization. Because you are not in an emergency situation, they may not be able to offer you shelter, but they can connect you with resources that will make it possible for you to leave.

        I just want to validate, OP: what your husband doing is not normal, and it’s not okay. You deserve, as an adult, to make your own decisions about how you spend your time and energy. I was in an abusive relationship earlier in my life, and stayed in it way too long. Everything in my life got better (if not necessarily easier) the day I got out. I am praying for you and hoping you find a safe path forward from the place you are in right now.

    6. I am concerned that your therapist is not identifying this as an abusive situation. Have you told them everything?

    7. It’s not clear from your post if you intend to stay in your marriage. I realize you may want to take baby steps to build up confidence and then decide, but as someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I tried coaching my ex to be nicer, tried to draw firmer boundaries, tried to express my needs more clearly and put myself first, and finally snapped and left him and my life has been 100% better since then. Sending you hugs. Yes, go to the church retreat, get him to dust, and make a plan to get out because it sounds as though that it really what you need.

    8. It’s not clear from your post if you intend to stay in your marriage. I realize you may want to take baby steps to build up confidence and then decide, but as someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship, I tried coaching my ex to be nicer, tried to draw firmer boundaries, tried to express my needs more clearly and put myself first, and finally snapped and left him and my life has been 100% better since then. Sending you hugs. Yes, go to the church retreat, get him to dust, and make a plan to get out because it sounds as though that it really what you need.

      1. Please, please call a hotline or crisis center and make a plan. There is ALWAYS going to be a reason you feel you “can’t” leave, but you need to. This is also for your kids, even if it is hard to face in the moment.

        Rooting for you! I’m sure this was a difficult post to write.

        1. And YOU and your wellbeing are reason enough to leave. Please don’t bear yourself up over not recognizing this behavior earlier. Abuse is insidious and intentionally hard to recognize in the moment.

          1. +1. A hotline or crisis center can help you make a safe plan. Do it for YOU and it will also help your kids.

          2. Ditto to this! I’ve been asked so many times “Why did you marry him?”, and I’m like, well, I wasn’t noticeably stupider than my friends, and none of us saw the signs of abuse…they were subtle, my life hadn’t trained to see them, and after we married things got worse and worse. And I spent waaaaay to much time trying to figure out if it was “abuse” or “just a bad day”. But I finally figured out that someone who only has bad days is not able to fulfill their marriage vows, either.

            I left because I finally realized I would NEVER let someone yell at my child the way he yelled at me. That motivated me to get out. But you know what? I was worth it, too. My wellbeing is of value, too. As is yours.

          3. Yes to all this. Your kids see what’s going on. They will manage. At that age they probably have friends with whom they can stay, even.

            There’s a reason you wrote this post, OP, and maybe it’s because you knew we would all tell you to leave. That was me, like, 9 or so years ago. And everybody told me to leave and it took a little while but I did and life is so unimaginably better now and I look back and shake my head at how crazy the situation was, and how I couldn’t really see that until I was out.

      2. Right. No one is saying it is easy to leave your abusive partner. Ever. But you do know what you want and I think you do know what you need.

      3. If this was your child in your situation, would you tell them to stay?? If you were my daughter, I would be pulling up with a moving truck as soon as he way away from the house. The grandkids will be fine. OP, be very very careful, but please leave. This will never get better until you do.

        1. “If you were my daughter, I would be pulling up with a moving truck as soon as he way away from the house.”
          + 1 million. See also: if you were my granddaughter, my niece, my aunt, my cousin, my friend, my coworker, someone I barely knew who asked me for help, etc.

          If I had to make a bet, I would bet there are people in your life who have observed the dynamic between you and your spouse and don’t think it’s healthy. And if you asked people for help, you would receive it. It is never, ever going to be easy to leave. It will be worth it.

    9. I want to first congratulate you. Acknowledging the problem is the first step in fixing it. You have a therapist, which is awesome. You’re ready to start taking steps to reclaim your life, also awesome. You’re doing great.

      I understand you may not be ready to leave your marriage yet. You asked for baby steps, and I think you’ve already identified them. Tell your husband exactly what you said here – there are 46 hours in the weekend to dust, I’m going to my group. Have some scripts ready. “I wasn’t asking for permission, I’m just letting you know where I will be.”

      Be prepared for his reaction, because you know there will be one. Keep a go bag in a safe and unobtrusive place: spare house key, car key, some cash, change of clothes, vital documents, burner phone and charger/battery, anything else you might need at a moments notice. Hide a spare key (in a lock box only you know the combination to) somewhere outside the house that he doesn’t know about. I know this may seem dramatic but the first thing a lot of abusers do is lock you out of the house, so make sure he can’t do that, or if he does you have somewhere to go. The national domestic violence hotline is 1.800.799.7233.

      1. Yes, make sure you have money that only you have access to. Open a separate bank account while he’s at work and make sure he can’t find any evidence of it in the house.

      2. +1,000,000 to all this. Be careful, but also don’t let fear of him finding out keep you from doing what you need to do. I had a house under contract and most of my stuff packed up (just putting away winter clothes, dear!) before I dropped the hammer. I was careful, but not too careful. He never noticed.

    10. There are two books I am trying to remember the names of…hopefully they will come tonight and if so, I will post. Both were very helpful to me when I was in your situation (minus the kids….). Both are written from Christian perspectives, and helped me learn to be MORE assertive (although I’m not sure they would generally be viewed as being in that vein…it all depends on where you are starting from:-)). That said…for me, I spent so much time trying to say things in the perfect way, thinking that if I just phrased things right, he would be kinder. And, it never worked. I did eventually get divorced, and, my life got instantly better and, 10 years later, I’m in a very very happy marriage where I don’t have to worry about phrasing things perfectly because he genuinely looks out for my best interest. I’ve never regretted the divorce. If you need scriptural looks at whether it’s ok to divorce, I’ll try to find a book I found super helpful on that, too…. I very much understand the need to work through decisions using the religious values that are important to you. For me, I would say conservative Christian religion kept me in a bad situation longer than necessary, but my faith, my faith, kept my soul alive and gave me the strength to endure and then eventually leave and thrive. I’m still a devout Christian, and hang out with the Episcopalians now. I will also say I have two friends who were dealing with similar issues around the same time, and both of them were able to improve their marriages. In one case, when the husband was treated for TMJ and chronic pain things got significantly better, in the other, he had an emotional affair, which led to their church getting involved and lots of counseling, and, she says things are much better now.

      In this particular situation, I might write a list each morning of 3 things you WANT to do. I realized I’d lost touch with even knowing what I wanted, and once I knew, I could more frequently say things like “I’d love to….”. For the church thing, you might try just confidently stating things. “There’s a great women’s program Saturday morning! I’d love to go, and trust you can manage the kids for two hours”. Whether that works or not gives you more info… In my current marriage, I’d just say “There’s a women’s program I want to go to Saturday morning!”, and he’d say “Cool! What time? Have a good time!”.

      Oooh, found the books: Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, and The Surrendered Wife. Amazingly, despite the title, the surrendered wife taught me a lot about learning to say “ouch!”, and “I would love….”, and other wise stick up for myself. And I *think* the sacred marriage is the book that helped me realize it was ok to push back when my husband was sinning, that absorbing his cruelty also wasn’t helping him grow.

      I’ll be keeping you in my heart.

      1. “I would love to…” implies that the husband has the option to say no. In my marriage, it’s “I’m going to …”

        1. LOL, well, yes. But it’s all from where you’re starting from. For me is was “don’t say anything because I am so used to doing what he wants”, to “recognize what I actually WANT”, to saying “I would love to…” and realizing that he never helps me do the things I *tell* him I would love even though I do all sorts of things for him. I think it was good for him, too, to hear himself tell me ‘no’ – harder to pretend he wasn’t being unfair.

      2. OP

        Thank you so much for this. Yes, I think my religious beliefs and the expectations surrounding them are part of what makes it harder. I waffle on knowing that leaving is the best for me and wanting to do “enough” to try to make it work. I’ll definitely check out those books.

        1. There is no “enough.”

          This part:

          “…for me, I spent so much time trying to say things in the perfect way, thinking that if I just phrased things right, he would be kinder. And, it never worked.”

          That was me. We weren’t Christian, but we were very devout followers of another religion and it was SO HARD. I remember he would be horrible to me on the way to religious events, and then sweet as pie while we were there, and then horrible on the way home. And I remember thinking “good grief if there is a Hell, there is certainly a special place in it for people who fight over things like what songs to sing at a religious meeting you’re hosting.”

          There is no “enough” to make a man like this treat you right.

          1. Also: Sending you so much love. I know how awful it is. But it’s not your fault.

          2. I was formerly in an abusive relationship and this is such a key point — i.e., being able to figure out the “right” way to say things is a losing battle. It never works. OP, you might notice that your husband treats you poorly when people he thinks don’t matter (like your kids) are around, and then in more public settings he may be more respectful. Abusers can absolutely control their behavior; they are very intentional about when they act out. It may feel that their response is about you or what you said, but it’s not. It’s about an abuser manipulating and trying to control.

            OP, I send you lots of love. You’re in a difficult situation. Good for you for looking at the situation — it’s so hard to do that, and for starting to consider what you want. I got out of my verbally abusive former relationship twenty years ago and my life is terrific now, with a wonderful partner.

        2. If getting divorced is incompatible with your religious beliefs, your state may have legal separation as an option. Where I am, it is the same thing as a divorce except neither of you can remarry without converting it to a divorce. You still get alimony, child support, split possessions, etc.

    11. OP
      Thank you all for your responses. I wanted to say my therapist does, I believe, understand the extent of what is going on. Her biggest concern is for my physical safety. The idea was, until I was ready to make a definite move to leave, I could work on trying to find some positive thing that I can do and ways I can expand my network. I also no longer have many friends as he has isolated me so much so I have no one I can really reach out to for help with this situation. As far as preparing to leave, I know I should do some of the things you all have suggested, but it is hard when he monitors everything. Like, he would know if an shirt or something was missing and even setting aside money without his knowledge would be incredibly difficult. I know I definitely need to start to make some more concrete plans, it’s just so hard right now.

      1. Re: getting some money. Can you do grocery shopping and get cash back as part of your purchase and then ditch the receipt. Without the receipt there’s no way to know you took any cash back.

        Also, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I grew up in an abusive household, so I know how hard it is.

        1. Also if you have direct deposit for your work paychecks, divert small amounts to a separate account directly from the company so there’s no sign in your main account of movement. Most companies will let you deposit in more than one account.

          1. You can also come up with excuses why your deposit is less. Pandemic paycut is a good excuse!

      2. Then he quite possibly can see what you’re posting here! Go to your public library and look up safe resources there.

    12. As a first step, go to the retreat. Don’t let your husband forbid you. Stand up to him.

      As a second step, make absolutely sure you know where every cent of your money is (your joint money, because that is your money too) and have paper copies somewhere that he can’t destroy. You will need this when you leave him, which you absolutely need to do, and he tries to hide the assets, which he will absolutely try to do.

    13. First of all, all the hugs and support. Second, I agree with the previous poster who said to set up a bank account and put small amounts in it, maybe by diverting part of your direct deposit there. Then, on the day you leave, set up an online transfer of a larger amount from one of your joint accounts to your new bank account. He might notice and be able to stop it, but it’s worth a shot. Do it from one of the accounts that he doesn’t check as often. (I would NOT contact the bank and let them know anything about the abusive situation, because in my experience, banks freeze accounts the minute there is a hint of controversy.) And you can borrow money from your IRA or 401(k) if you have one. He should not be able to access those accounts. If he has your password to any of those accounts, change it. Also take out a new credit card that he doesn’t know about. Set up a new email to use with that credit card and your new bank account, so he doesn’t check your email and see the new account statements. Start taking out cash in small increments from whatever account you feel is safest (it could be your new account if need be). Good luck. You CAN do this.

      1. My other comment is in mod, but I also want to add: if you have a Power of Attorney naming him as your agent, revoke it. It can be as simple as a one paragraph document stating “I hereby revoke the POA dated ____” and sign and get it witnessed and notarized. Then deliver it to any financial institutions that have a copy on file. and this may be obvious, but when you leave, do NOT use any credit or debit card that he has access to , otherwise he can track you. I spoke earlier about setting up your own credit card and others have said to open your own bank account, which I 100% agree with.

        1. Oh, and when you leave, make sure to disable Google Maps and Apple Maps on your phone and computer. People can track you using those apps, in case you’re unaware. And of course any apps like Life360 also need to be disabled.

    14. Don’t take the advice to “stand up to him” right now. Spend your energy standing up to him in secret, by slowly getting together an escape plan. That’s a lot more important than one weekend.

      This is not a situation where ANY of the good outcomes includes you and husband “getting along”. You need to be rid of him, in the safest possible way to you and your children.

      You need to call the hotline and talk to people who understand and know what’s really going on without trying to see both sides, to get good advice. Do not underestimate the power of talking to somebody who actually, unreservedly understands. It seems that you have an established routine of going to a therapist, which your husband will expect as a known and innocent thing. Can you spend one of the times at your therapist talking to the hotline and getting help? Call from your therapist’s office, either from his/her line or a burner phone.

      Take the advice to make sure you have a separate bank account, copies of important documents, copies of keys, copies of important items like photographs etc seriously. Statistics show that the time a woman leaves an abusive relationship is the most vulnerable time – the abuser will be even more dangerous, to the point of lethal danger.

      You mentioned that you already have been estranged from friends and family because of your abuser. Know that a lot ( all! abusers are skilled at manipulation, so not all) of these people are worried about you and are on your side. A lot of these people will rally to your cause. Some will be manipulated by him. Don’t think that people he dropped on your behalf won’t care. There’s a good chance they would LEAP to help, if they thought it was any use.

      Best of luck to you. I’m so sorry you’re in this shitty situation. It’s not your fault, this is all on him.

  18. Laser hair removal! I am dying to do my face now that I’m vaccinated. (I previously did it 10+ years ago but the hair grew back). South Asian skin. Is it a bad idea to start now, or should I wait until I’m vaccinated? (I’m planning on going to the outdoor pool daily this summer).

    1. IIRC they won’t want to do laser if you have been out in the sun X hours/days before a laser hair removal procedure. I feel like you could do now a bit but may need to pause or plan outdoor time / pants wearing over the summer if plan on having a lot of exposed skin daily.

    2. Ughhhh not enough coffee. The question was meant to be: should I do it now, or wait until after the summer? (To be clear, I’m fully vaccinated now)

      1. Agree with Anon above – I would wait until after the summer, because you are supposed to avoid being out in the sun! I did the bulk of my laser (underarms/bikini) through the fall/winter and was glad for it since I didn’t have to worry too much about sun exposure. By the time summer rolled around, I was still doing some treatments but I could cover up as needed.

      2. Now would be the answer. You space sessions out 3-4 weeks IIRC, so you can get a few in before peak summer but it may take a couple of seasons. Even a touchup gets you a long way when it is swimsuit season.

  19. These pants would frumpify my petite body, I think. I love Boden dresses and tops but these pants, no so much.

    1. They look uncomfortably small on the model. Not stylishly fitted and cropped, but like they shrunk in the dryer.

    2. The problem with these pants is that they are elastic-waist pants trying to pass themselves off as real pants. That is a one-way ticket to fump city. Elastic-waist pants need to embrace their true nature in order to look flattering. Think the Vuori jogger, linen beach pants, etc.

      2. Not always. I bought some really nice elastic waist work pants (before it was cool) while recovering from a surgery. I wouldn’t wear them with a tucked in shirt but I would wear a shell or blouse over them w/ a blazer and they looked positively stylish. They were fitted through the butt an thighs (but not too fitted) and had a tapered ankle. I don’t remember the brand off the top of my head but I could look when I get home and report back.

        1. Yeah, I think the styling creates frump, but if you covered up the waistband with a fitted but untucked sweater and threw on a pair of heels or pointed-toe flats, the pants would just look like … pants.

        2. Agreed – I have some from Old Navy that look like “real” pants but are insanely comfortable – I just don’t do a full tuck with them.

    3. These remind me of the pants my grandma would wear. Just make them a pastel color and add a matching sweatshirt with flowers embroidered on the front.

      1. I’m there with your grandma, I guess. After the pandemic I’m all in on elastic waists. I’m not quite there on pastels yet but give me time.

      2. That is what my late mom (who lived to 96) wore every day for the last 30 or 40 years of her life. For reals. Right down to the embroidered flowers! Heh.

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