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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Diane Printed Wide-Leg Pants

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A woman wearing a navy, green, and white floral pant and gold shoes, plus a navy top with a couple of white flowers

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I fully recognize that these Carolina Herrera pants may fall into the “Ladies Who Lunch” style of dressing, but it doesn’t make me love them any less. The print is gorgeous, the cut is perfect, and if I had four figures to drop casually on a pair of trousers, they would be in my closet immediately.

For the office, I’d try them with a silk blouse or a crisp navy blazer if the coordinating cardigan felt like a little too much look.

The pants are $1,490 at Bloomingdale’s and come in sizes 2-10. 

Sales of note for 9/4 (Happy Labor Day!):

219 Comments

  1. good morning! I am travelling to Niagara Falls this autumn to visit a family member in school there. I know to stay in the Canadian side, and I’m comfortable walking and using the buses. I’m interested in recommendations for hotels and if anyone has used the transfer services between the Buffalo airport and the Canadian side. (I heard the border crossing is easier there rather than at the Toronto airport. I am a US citizen.) Thanks!

    1. Border crossing can be really slow at certain bridges between Canada and the US. If you have global entry use the Whirlpool bridge (it’s Nexus only). Caveat – I have never used a transfer service, I always drive myself. The airport is also bad sometimes, but I don’t think it’s consistently worse. But the traffic between the airport and Niagara can be awful.

      No hotel recommendations for Niagara Falls in Canada, they all feel a bit old at this point. If you have a car or can find transit, Niagara on the Lake is a nice town to visit or to stay.

      Restaurants: Copa Cabana in Niagara Falls is really good. It’s an all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouse. I’m not a big meat-eater but I really enjoy it. Niagara’s Finest Thai in Niagara on the Lake is also great.

    2. Is their college on the US side or in Canada? If they’re on the US side I would recommend staying there so you don’t have to deal with crossing the border and visiting the Canadian side as you like.

    3. Highly advise renting a car. The transportation options will be good within Niagara and getting you in between there, Hamilton and Toronto. This will not give you much leeway to go exploring and find little hikes (hello Balls Falls for the jokes) or visiting various wineries.

  2. what the heck is the inseam on these pants? I think I could make an entire pair of shorts out of the amount I’d need to hem off.

    1. Right? And I always worry with wide leg or flare pants that I will mess up the line if I cut a foot off the bottom.

      For that price, they should have different inseams.

  3. I love these pants. I cannot afford them.

    Question for the hive: I think of myself as an especially lazy person. I just drag my feet on absolutely everything. I’m good about exercising and daily routines but stuff like cleaning out a drawer I will literally never do. I don’t think it’s adhd so much as I just get zero sense of accomplishment or happiness from completing most tasks. Case in point I hadn’t gotten my car washed in forever and it was on my to do list and I finally did it and….meh. It’s clean now. It was still an annoying chore and there are still a million more. I ask here because people were talking about procrastinating by tidying and good grief I have never done that. Is it possible it’s because I get zero dopamine from it? Is there a way to change that?

    1. Getting no dopamine from accomplishment isn’t normal. There are three types of ADHD which most people don’t realize: inattentive (space case, often what women have and self manage), hyperactive-impulsive (disruptive little boys), and combined (both).

      1. Where does the no dopamine from accomplishing things fit in? I just feel like the drudgery is never with the result. I want the drawer clean but dealing with the decision making and dust just puts my brain in a super grumpy state and makes the juice not worth the squeeze if that makes sense?

          1. I’m Anon at 9:10 who feels similar to OP and that works well for me. Adding a “treat” helps the time feel more my own, even if it’s in service of the household or someone else.

          2. Thanks. I do put on podcasts and set timers. Cleaning doesn’t bother me as much as the idea of organizing. I don’t know where this thing came from or where it should go or how many we need and now I’m mad that i somehow own it so maybe it should just be put back? Well now I’ve accomplished nothing. Maybe it should be thrown out? Dang! I’m wasteful! But at least the drawer is now…I don’t know it’s still not a beautiful thing it’s a drawer. It’s slightly nicer I guess? It’s mentally painful to me.

    2. I’m similar. It may take me literally years to get a piece of art framed and hung, whereas I have an aunt who will do that kind of thing the first hour she thinks of it. In my case, I think I’m protective of my free time to relax. It’s gotta be reallyyyy important to eat into the only time I get to read or exercise each day between work, childcare, and long-distance elder care.

      Also, I absolutely hate a staycation – when I’m off work, the last thing I want to do is chores, even if I have stored up a long list. I’ve had a few unwilling staycations in the past few years and wanted to climb up the wall after 2 hours. I get very little vacation time, so I think the same dynamic I mentioned above is coming into play.

      1. To me, the word staycation always meant you still do fun things (going to the lake, local museums, shows, boardgames, backyard BBQs), you just don’t travel anywhere. Not staying home and doing chores.

        1. Tell that to the other women here! Every time someone asks for ideas on what to do during a staycation, at least half the responses are “clean out that closet at last.”

          1. Some people like doing this and get a lot of satisfaction out of a clean closet. Chill out.

          2. Yes, we are in agreement. Plenty of women here report spending their vacation time doing that and they say they enjoy it. I’m allowed to very much not enjoy it.

      2. This is not the point of your post, but a “staycation” is not for chores! Stay just means that you are in your own home rather than a far-flung location, but it’s supposed to still be a vacation, just without going anywhere. Take a daytrip, go to a museum or amusement park, get a massage, eat at a cafe and read a book or try a new restaurant, etc. Treat it like a vacation but save on hotels and airfare by vacationing within range to sleep in your own bed.

        People who feel a sense of obligation to have a clean house before they are allowed to vacation are people who hate staycations because something tells them they can’t do five days in a row of fun stuff unless they earn it by completing things on their to-do list. But, if that doesn’t describe you then a staycation is amazing! There is so much to do without having to drop $$$ on airfare and airbnb.

    3. I should add that I’m a person who values cleanliness and organization, but apparently not enough to endure the drudgery of cleaning and organizing. It would be nice if I could make myself do this stuff.

    4. Can you reserve a dopamine activity as a reward for after you completed a not-so-fun task?

      1. Good idea! Any suggestions? I have to work to get time with friends and exercise into my schedule so I don’t want to ration those or mess with my schedule too much.

        1. I like to tie my rewards to things that in my mind connect to the activity. So for example, I might treat myself to sushi take out for cleaning my desk at work or get a latte after doing a chore. In your case, maybe take your car to the car wash near a nice coffee shop? Of course, don’t spoil it by then leaving the coffee cup in your car after.

    5. I’m lazy, too. Except I will absolutely skip the gym but dump a drawer on the floor to organize it. But that drawer organizing does give me a dopamine rush and exercise never will (and I say this as a former athlete and current volunteer sports coach.)

    6. Someone needs to invent 1-800-VIRGOS4U. Some of us can’t get to the gym because we are always trying to treat our living spaces as giant Tetris games.

      2. Interesting. I’m the op and my mom is a very organized Virgo. Even as kid it feel something like painful to sit there while she asked me what clothing should be purged. I wish I know why organizing projects leave me so grumpy! I’d love to have a more organized home.

        1. Ha! I am always asking my poor husband—should we clear out the closets today? He always says no and at least once a year I have to surprise him by bringing stuff down and dumping them on the floor in front of him so that he can sift through it. He hates it, but is always glad when it’s a chore that’s behind him instead of in front of him.

        2. This is hilarious to me because my mom is such a perfectionist Virgo that she struggles to get projects started, because she has to have the A-Z plan perfected in her mind before she’ll begin. Whereas I am a comparatively chaotic Gemini that can just shrug and figure it out as she goes…god the validation I felt the day my mother admitted to me that I am actually better at getting big projects completed than she is…

          (I am very organized, just okay with having letters A-E figured out with 1-2 contingencies instead of the whole alphabet.)

    7. I am the same way, and I have accepted some journeys are not for me. I live in a city and pay way too much for my parking spot in a parking garage so my car gets so dirty. I also don’t have access to a hose, nor are there car washes near me. So, I have a dirty car. Such is life. I’m certainly not driving out of my way and paying $15 just to have a clean car.

      I think I’m just worn out. Eldest daughter, long-time single/living alone, managing up at work for an incompetent and borderline verbally abusive supervisor. If someone wants to come organize a drawer for me, great. But that’s just not on my list.

      I have a vibrant social life, and am very active in lots of hobbies. I can’t balance thhose + the demanding job + “baseline adulting” + AND CARING about stuff like car washes or drawer clean outs. Something’s gotta give and the thing that brings nothing to me (fun, rest, baseline competence, salary) is gonna be what gets cut out.

      I used to feel bad about this (soemtimes I still do), like I’m flawed or less put together because of it. But, I’m trying to stop caring. Because the people with more “finished” lives don’t have the active personal and/or professional life I do.

        1. If you live a place where it snows a lot and the roadways are salted, you MUST wash your car or it will literally fall apart with rust.

          I learned the hard way that regularly washing your car is not a vanity project.

          1. Not true. Most cars are mostly plastic these days. I live in Chicago and if I can get myself to wash my car once a year before summer, it’s a good year. And I’m still driving my 20 year old Prius.

    8. idk, we’re all wired differently. I feel that way about exercise. I do it because I should, but people who describe feeling super energized about their day or a runner’s high? Zero experience with that.

    9. At least for me, this mostly comes down to the things I care about, I don’t care about whether my car is spotless in general, but when for some reason it gets dirty in a way that makes it hard to see out the windows or it gets super salty in the winter, then I have no problem getting motivated to clean it. Forget all the dopamine bs, I just care about maintaining my car’s function. Same for keeping my house maintained and clean and organized, which makes it easier for me to function in it. If it will ultimately make my life better or easier enough to be worth the cost and effort then I do it, and if not I probably won’t, which seems efficient, not lazy.

      1. +1 that it’s efficient to focus on what you value. I value a safe car, so I’ll make sure my windows are clean. I don’t really care if my car is dirty, so I let it get dirty.

        There are a lot of things I like or find nice, but I don’t really value. I don’t consider myself lazy for not spending time on things others value, but I don’t.

      2. Yeah, chores are in no way enjoyable for most of us, we just are able to frame it in a way that makes it more rewarding. And if there’s no way to frame the task so that it’s worth doing, I think you are correct to just not do it.

    10. I value cleanliness a lot. I despise clutter, disorganization, dust. This hasn’t helped my currently untreated ADHD or provided extra energy or made cleaning not an activity that somehow also feels like it ruins my day (mission accomplished provides no dopamine at all) and also ruins my downtime, since as soon as I think of myself as responsible for handling the mess, I can’t stop seeing it. So it’s like the mess will bother me slightly less if it’s not my problem (like a public space), but if it is my problem, it will bother me constantly and forever, since it’s never going to be clean enough. I’m the kind of person who should always have a cleaner just so that it’s not my problem. I could probably even swap chores with someone and benefit.

    11. I was just thinking about this. I will put some things off forever if I’m not accountable to someone else. Have you seen Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies? I’m an Obliger, which means I only get things done when accountable to others. If i’m only accountable to myself, it never happens.

      Once I learned this about myself, I started building in external accountability to the things I knew I should do but kept putting off. Example: have a friend come over and help me decide where to hang the art I’ve been putting off. Do an accountability coworking session with a colleague where we both try to check items off our lists. etc. etc.

      If something still isn’t getting done after all that, I have to accept that it’s just a priority for me and move on accordingly. If it were important, I’d get it done.

    12. I think people are spending too much time on social media. Cleaning, cooking, tending to oneself, are necessary parts of being human and living a relatively functional life. How fancy you want to get with the cleaning and cooking and tending are up to you, contrary to what you might see on Instagram.

      Also, most humans are not sent into paroxysms of joy by cleaning the kitchen, again, contrary to what you see on social media. Just do the thing, enjoy the cleaner or more functional space, and don’t worry about “dopamine,” whatever that means. I feel like some people here are spending more time psychologizing why they don’t want to do a thing than just doing the thing (or just deciding they don’t need that thing in their life, if it’s not needed for basic human function).

      I will often do the old trick of setting a timer and cleaning for 15-20 minutes, it’s rather amazing what you can get done in that time. I also like my kitchen to be tidy, because I don’t have much counter space and if I have to move things in the morning to make breakfast before I’ve had coffee, I will be unhappy. Does the floor sometimes get a little sticky? Sure, but I don’t stress about it because my kitchen is still functional even with a slightly sticky (but not gross!) floor.

      1. I think it’s willpower expenditure / burn out for some people. If jobs, social obligations, medical obligations, care work, etc. are all starting to feel an unrewarding chore to get through, it’s hard to pile on additional actual chores.

    13. I don’t think every personality trait is a disorder.
      I like having clean spaces but I also don’t have any interest in doing certain things. When I was pregnant, everyone would ask me if I was “nesting” and I never had a single urge to redecorate or wash the baseboards or anything. In theory, I would have loved for someone to come in and do a deep clean for me but I took zero steps to make that happen and even having to organize that seemed like too much trouble.
      If it’s not impacting your life in a negative way, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    14. Book recommendation: How To Keep House While Drowning, KC Davis. It’s specifically targeted to people who are overwhelmed with life in general, but it has really good tips and ways to reframe cleaning for pretty much anyone. If you really dislike cleaning and general maintenance tasks, she explains how to change the way you think about them so they don’t suck so much.

      1. +1 for this book, and also for my favorite: Dana K White (books, podcasts, youtube). Her declutting method is great, and is meant for people who do not like to declutter, clean or organize. Decluttering at the speed of life is my favorite of her books.

    15. I don’t think you are lazy. I think you have priorities, and cleaning your car is not one of them. We all do this. Sometimes we compartmentalize and put some things at the top of our regular to-do lists and ignore other tasks. That’s just the reality of modern life because there isn’t time/energy for everything.

    16. Because of this section, I just ran to the bathroom to clean the toilet and sink. Thank you!

  4. I love these! Have neither the budget nor the lifestyle for them… but gosh if I was an aunt at a swanky southern wedding, I’d wear these to the welcome dinner or something.

  5. I have a seagrass rug that has seen better days, so it’s time to get another one. I didn’t love it — it was very rough under bare feet and uncomfortable even with socks on due to the ridges. What else is out there that I could get in a custom size (like 4 feet by 12 feet) that could have a fabric edging? It doesn’t need to be a “grass” type fiber but needs to have a fairly neutral look against orange-ish pine flooring that is very soft (so will also need a substantial custom-cut rug pad beneath it due to use of roller office-type chairs in a WFH space). THANKS MUCH.

    1. You can get any carpeting cut to size and the edges bound (examples: https://www.curranfloor.com/guides/borders). I do this in my apartment to cover the awful flooring in the living room. I have a thick pad (half inch?) under that looks like felt. I think you’ll need a thinner pad for rolling chairs. If you can, check out at a local carpet store for fiber and color ideas.

    2. Looks like Pottery Barn has some neutral in appearance wool rugs available in one foot increments between three and a half to twelve feet wide and seven to twenty feet long. I’ve got a mix of antique and Pottery Barn rugs at my place and have been happy with the quality the Pottery Barn rugs.

    3. I just got a custom size rug from Ethan Allen. My impression is that they have a few rolls of a very neutral rug which they cut to measure. I imagine other furniture shops might have something similar.

  6. Where can I obtain term life insurance if I’m in good physical health but have a history of depression and mental health treatment?

    I tried to get term life when I got married and was denied a lot of places, and since then just bought extra through work to get me to about $1M. However, I recently changed jobs and my new job doesn’t offer a buy up for term life. My daughter is 4 and while we have a decent amount in savings I want to ensure she’s taken care of if anything happens.

    I recently tried again through a few brokers and keep getting denied. It’s a demoralizing process. With the de-stigmatization of mental health treatment e.g., counseling and medication, it’s disheartening this is still an automatic denial for so many carriers.

    2. Sorry, “through college” meaning, via your alumni network? Many colleges offer alumni access to insurance products. The colleges make a small amount of money on them, and the insurance carrier gets access to an overall low-risk population.

    3. This may be a stupid question, but would something like Select Quote be able to provide you with an option since it’s an insurance aggregator? Or would the company currently providing your insurance through work be able to provide a separate policy?

    4. DH and I both had histories of mental health treatment, medication, etc. and we were able to get life insurance. This was ~8/9 years ago. Have you ever tried appealing the denial? this does not bode well for my children who both currently receive mental health treatment for when they try to get life insurance

      2. It’s odd to me that this even happens in the year of our lord 2026. IIRC, private policies generally exclude suicides (or have a multi-year waiting period) already, for all comers. IDK how the risk would be higher for non-suicidal people actively seeking help for non-mortality things like anxiety or ADHD.

        OTOH, I can remember bar exam applications where you had to disclose all mental health treatment (but no physical health things), so maybe we are all bad at estimating risks or even defining them? But when actuaries are involved, I expect the math-driven decisions to be different and override prejudice a bit more.

        1. I mean, look up the stats on ADHD. They’re not making it up! Just the car accidents alone lower life expectancy.

          1. The population that seeks treatment may be the most affected or the most vigilant, and counting bare numbers doesn’t tell you much. And doesn’t tell you much about the silent majority never seeking treatment, so they don’t go into the stats at all.

            Mental health is such a bad proxy — the agoraphobes should maybe get a discount; my neighbor’s very ADHD kid who has found the gas pedal to the monster truck: maybe we should all have our premiums go up due to proximity to him?

          2. The actuary numbers are about the people who go into the stats, right? The fact that some people are undiagnosed and are contributing to the “non-ADHD” numbers doesn’t make the stats on the increased risk w/ADHD diagnosis look better; it makes them look worse.

    5. If nothing else, can you self-insure by saving up what you would pay for a premium?

      1. Not the OP but I doubt it. I have $2M in 30 year term coverage and pay about $1,200 per year for the life of the policy.

      2. Term life only works because most of the people who buy it never get any payment (ie. they survive the length of the plan). So the premiums X # of years are *much* lower than the expected payout. It’s not something self insurance via savings makes sense for (especially for OP, who is trying to insure against the risk of dying young while her small child still needs significant support- if you have enough to just put aside in savings enough to pay for the cost of raising a kid to adulthood, you are rich enough to have a family wealth advisor figuring this out for you!
        (as opposed to if you eg. wanted a small, whole life policy to just pay for your eventual funeral costs – where it’s guaranteed to pay out *eventually*, and a savings account might make sense)

    6. I’ve got a policy through AFLAC. I’m planning to get a second one through the Auto Club (with whom I already have auto and renter’s) or the Junior League, not sure which one yet.

  7. I need help breaking the cycle of work anxiety. Every Monday morning, it’s the same thing: butterflies in the stomach, dread, needing to take deep breaths during my drive in. NOTHING IS WRONG. My work environment isn’t perfect, but it’s fine. There is nothing bad enough to prompt such a strong reaction. It’s exhausting starting the day or week like this, and then it takes my brain a long time to get going on the real, actual work. I hate this and feel like such a broken person.

    I already take an SSRI, btw.

      1. Well, this weekend, not much! My kids went back to school last week and we were all exhausted, so it looked like a lot of resting, getting caught up on chores, and not much in the way of fun. Other weekends, I make much more of an effort to have at least one social event for myself.

        1. A chores weekend can really have a downer effect and cause more “Sunday scaries.” The ideal is getting to the end of Sunday and thinking “damn, that was fun, I feel refreshed and pleasantly tired now. I can’t wait for next weekend when we’re doing ___.” Then the Monday morning itself tends to feel better as a result.

        1. Thank you. Every weekend looks a little bit different from me, and I’m not in the stage of life where it’s going to be all fun and enjoyment, all the time. I’m more than OK with that.

          1. Then you don’t understand the jobs some of us have. It isn’t enough to “be refreshed” from the weekend.

          2. You don’t have to take it personally if it doesn’t apply to you. OP said her job was fine and not worthy of dread. It’s logical to think through how other parts of her week could be improved and how that might affect her Mondays. I work full-time as well and understand the dynamics as well as anyone here does.

          3. I completely agree with better weekends make for better Mondays and weeks. They’re worth putting effort into making them good.

    2. For me the things that tend to help are:
      – having a Monday morning treat, like buying coffee
      – having a productive Friday, so I don’t feel the procrastination-shame Monday morning
      – allowing myself a bare-minimum Monday– giving myself a very achievable to-do list on Mondays

    3. Aren’t Mondays like this for everyone??

      I do find that a weekend of chores makes me feel worse. My trick is I try to do as much on Friday night as possible so I can enjoy the rest of the weekend.

      1. I try to do as much as I can on Thursday night for the same reason. It truly helps set up the weekend for success to knock out important but not ultra-time-specific chores in advance. Then the time is free for family time, social time, hobbies, etc.

    4. I had this to the point where it was ruining all day Sunday because I would dread work on Monday.

      I started blocking off an hour or two on Fridays for ‘clean-up’. I basically go through and use it to clean up all the little projects that I need to wrap up during the week. On Sunday nights I specifically block off time where I go through my emails/schedule for the next week. It’s often like – while my kids are watching a movie and I’m on the couch with them or while I’m sitting on the couch in the evening watching my favorite guilty pleasure show. Some people hate this, but it works for me.

      For a long time, a colleague and I had a standing coffee meeting on Mondays which was something to legitimately look forward to for both of us. We were collaborating on an amorphous project so talking through it helped us both get our weeks together. She’s moved on, but when this project was rugged we switched our meetings to be more informal coffee or walking meetings and got more done with less stress. Also- everything is a season. I hope this one eases up for you.

    5. I take an SSRI as well, but I recently started an anti-anxiety pill that I take as necessary (Hydroxyzine). It’s very short acting as it’s orignally an allergy drug, but it calms the anxiety spiral in my head down by a few notches so it’s easier to function. I take it as well as having weekly talk therapy. After my first week I was already feeling much more calm even on days I didn’t use it, by having it as an option in my toolbox,.

    6. Try playing some soothing music. Instead of forcing yourself to work right away, just chat with a coworker. Comradery helps. Plan for a walk at lunch, so you get some fresh air and vitamin D.

  8. I’m done. I’m a federal employee who has been THROUGH it in the last 1.5 years (with NO reprieve on the horizon). My job was demanding and it’s only increased due to the attrition, my direct leadership is awful, and what they’re doing to my agency as a whole is immoral, illegal, and awful to live through.

    I’m early 30s, single and always have been, have been living alone for about 5 years, eldest daughter, yadda yadda yadda. I’m just DONE with always having to be the person who does it, otherwise it doesn’t get done. I have great friends and a well-meaning family, but I’m just over it.

    I’m hella resilient. I wish I wasn’t hella resilient. I went straight from pressure cooker high school to a selective university where I was a double major and D1 athlete to an intense but meaningful and passion-filled government career where I’ve been for the last 10ish years. I just lost a really close loved one a few months ago. I’ve been single my whole adult life so I’ve never had someone to share some of these burdens with (I finally came out about 2 years ago – it took forever to feel comfortable doing so, so that explains my younger-adult singleness, but not my current singleness) . I love my career but it’s been miserable lately. I have an incompetent and cruel supervisor so I manage up to make things not even tolerable. The federal government is an abusive place to work right now. Financially things feel so much tighter than they should thanks to the economy. But also, with my benefits (and how much I adore my colleagues and the work we do), I’m stuck.

    There’s a lot of good in my life: my friends/family, hobbies I”m invested in and love, some fun personal goals (training for my second marathon), I am planning a bucket-list trip for next year. My therapist is great and we’re working a lot of resilience and positive-self talk/appreciation about everything we are doing and can do and have to do.

    But what I wouldn’t give to just not be the one who has to do/fix everything.

    1. I say this as someone who tends to be this way: what would happen if you didn’t fix everything?

      1. FWIW, I’m very similar to OP, when I eventually cracked and started drawing boundaries and not being as helpful I lost a LOT of friends and family. People did not like me, they liked what I could do for them. There were no mythical people who liked me for me.

    2. I hear you. I have a younger sister who has been allowed to live as a fragile wilting Victorian flower. I see so many women like that — they do nothing and someone always picks up the pieces. They are decorative at best (but if the PTA needs to have a stage built, they are there for the ‘gram but not for the day of work to prepare (nor for the clean-up). Performative women?

      Hugs. I have been “busy with work” for all non-mission essential other things in my life (as ranked solely by me). Eldercare, yes, but also transitioning single dad into an apartment in my city and signing up for driving him in exchange for selling his cars. It’s a lot.

      No advice for playing on the other team, but maybe everyone our age is just really busy and having lives of drama (BUT my public defender friends have made meaningful relationships and friendships from the softball league).

    3. I don’t mean this to sound harsh – and tone is hard to get right on the internet.

      But is this a perspective problem? Your salary is enough to cover your needs, benefits are so good that you can’t (ie. are choosing to prioritize that access to benefits) leave for another job, you have room & energy for hobbies and a great social life, and the freedom to live independently and make your own choices in those matters?

      Absolutely, sounds like your job is stressful. But in the global picture, you’re living the dream. Would it help to focus on gratitude, instead of viewing this as a resilience problem?

      2. Just to add to this – both things can be true, and sometimes allowing for both things to be true – gratitude + this objectively sucks – helps me. We can be really lucky and want this life/career, and also things can really suck and be hard during some seasons. Last week my friend texted this: “F this and I’m really lucky.” and it felt like the most true mantra.

        2. One other thought – I listened to this song on repeat over the last few weeks: “Carry the Water” by Drew Holcomb and Ellie Holcomb. I tried to pick some lyrics to share but all of them, highly recommend giving it a listen OP. Sometimes we just have to get through.

        3. I remember this at church. I grew up in the school of hard knocks and this church has a congregation with multiple generations of boarding school families. And yet, some things in their lives are objectively hard. I feel that not every person gets that. Cancer, divorce, addiction, etc. are all hard.

      3. OP here. Yes, my life is objectively nice. But also, I’ve done everything right and while yes I can afford to live alone and pursue affordable hobbies I’m very much not financially comfortable.

        I live in a studio, I thrift 95% of my clothes (just not underwear/swimauits…which I get from Walmart), I grocery shop at Aldi, my car is 22 years old and rusty. I don’t belong to a gym. I don’t get takeout.

        Even after doing everything “right”, including getting a “stable” government job and here I am.

        Advice here for burnt out folks is to outsource, which I can’t afford.

        The trip I’m taking is being paid for by CCs. I’ve never been in CC debt before but screw it. In a moment of weakness I decided I needed a break.

        1. Have you considered leaving for local government? We just hired a couple of former feds, and they can’t get over how much better it is. Good luck OP, you (and our country!) deserve better.

          1. Not the OP but– The pay cut would be extreme, unless the local government is NYC, San Fran, and maybe a handful of others. But where I live the local gov equivalent of my job (which is not really equivalent, but like the job I would take if I left) is literally 1/4 of my current salary.

        2. Sometimes, the budget version of “outsource” looks more like “simplify”, or less elegantly: “lower your standards”.

          Specific options depend on what specifically is really bogging you down, but as a concrete example, I’ve done something like: “okay, lunch is now going to be “raw baby carrots straight from the bag; pbj sandwiches; and a vitamin in case that misses some critical mineral”. It’s not optimized, but it’s good enough, requires no cooking or cutting boards, and takes “make lunch” off my plate. Every day until I have more bandwidth.

        3. You are not alone. I am feeling the same way, totally ditto what you said.

      4. I think you’re not wrong, but when you are experiencing rapid deterioration of what recently was a fulfilling career, I understand that it’s hard not to focus on the loss over the good parts that are still there.

    4. Stop managing up. I used to do a lot of that, and a lot of trying to repair things my supervisor broke. It was stressful. I finally realized that no-one actually expected me to do any of that, and I just stopped doing it. No-one noticed. Nothing broke. Supervisor was as capricious and disrespectful as she was before, but didn’t get any worse. And I felt much less stressed. It felt weird at first to not “care” about my job so much, but looking back I can’t believe how much of my personal mental energy I wasted on it.

      1. I had to give this advice to my colleague once “care less about work.” It took her a few years, but she did eventually get back to me that it was good advice.

    5. As a former fed employee (VA) who was able to bail out, you have my sympathy. It’s an awful situation and my heart goes out to you. While you generally can’t say no at work, you can to your great friends and well-meaning family. It will be new to them, and to you, so not too easy at first. My therapist is helpful at thinking this through (i.e., what would realistically or likely happen if “it” didn’t get done by me) and providing language for these discussions.

    6. You have agency here. You don’t like being single? Get out there and date, go on the apps, make the effort. Hate your job? Get another one. Why are you being a martyr?

      1. OP here… do you realize that it takes two to tango?

        I’m on the apps, I go on dates, I try. But I’m still single.

        I’m working my network. The hiring freeze is very, very slowly thawing. I’m well positioned to apply for jobs ASAP… but the right jobs need to be posted. My career is one that’s nearly entirely government and NGOs. If I left fed employment and went back to state or local I’d halve my salary and other benefits (like going from 20 vacation days to 10). NGOs barely exist in my field right now.

        2. I just want to validate that your situation sucks and the alternatives also suck, at least in the short-term. It’s not a fun place to be in. You can just assume that the next 2-3 years are going to suck and make moves that position you well in 5 years that you can survive in the moment. There’s not a change you can make that will fix your current problems without causing new ones, but there may be changes that you can make that will make things suck differently and have problems that resolve themselves with time. (Whether that is changing jobs, moving, setting boundaries that will cause friction with family and friends, etc.)

      2. Not the OP, but if you work in government, other jobs are not like working in the private sector. There are lots of law firms. If you are a prosecutor, maybe you can move counties. If you work for the federal government, change is a LOT more change if you leave.

          1. At 30 she’s got a lot of career in front of her that this shouldn’t be the calculation at all. Go to the private sector, get out of the government, skills are mobile.

          3. I thought that the feds had largely gotten rid of defined benefit plans for newer hires and that pensions were creates of the states (although the math isn’t mathing for anyone offering them), local government, and some union jobs (NFL players included in this).

          4. I was about OP’s age when I gave up a (local) government pension to go work in the private sector. My pay has increased about 4x over the 6 years I’ve been gone, and I am able to out-save the pension I would have gotten. I was in a slightly better financial situation than it sounds like OP is, but my org was eating itself alive and I couldn’t take it anymore (while also worrying about my long term financial future).

            This is anectada of course. But sometimes you’ve got to take a leap into an uncertain situation if the one that you’re in is actively on fire.

    7. OP here. Honestly a lot of the burden I’m feeling is just regular level stuff. It just feels overwhelming bc I’m so burnt out on other stuff.

      Keeping my severely ADHD self fed and not living in filth with bills paid on time is really hard for me on a good day and nearly impossible when my depression is out in full force which it has been due to work. I know not every partner actually helps but just having someone to ever so occasionally handle taking out the trash for me would be literally life changing.

      I fear if I don’t manage up there’d be real repercussions for my team who I’m trying to protect (and that’s my job as their supervisor).

      1. Hey friend. Just sending you solidarity. I work for a State and am currently doing an update analysis on the fiscal impacts of HR1 and it’s… bleak and also confusing and also stressful. I’m literally on here because I needed a break.

        You are burned out. I know because I have been there. You need to take a 4 day weekend. Day 1 you will rot. You will watch bad reality TV and commit to doing nothing except a long shower. Day 2 you will go through the full list of ‘to-do’ items. Invite a friend over that evening as motivation to do all the things. Days 3 and 4 are yours to do with as you please; however, your job is to fill your cup – whatever that looks like.

    8. This is really hard to address without knowing who you are doing/fixing for and what you are doing. Because sometimes it is a perfectly competent friend or relative who could and should be responsible for their own life or a non-profit that will ask until you say no. And sometimes it is your disabled grandmother who spent her life taking care of others, never worked outside the home and is facing crushing poverty through no fault of her own (oddly specific I know but I am drawing from my own life).

      I suggest making a list and then asking yourself (1) is that person asking you to fix things or are you doing it because you think you “should”? and (2) what happens if you just don’t?

    9. Get a new job! I know it’s not easy, but these are your words (!!!) “I have an incompetent and cruel supervisor so I manage up to make things not even tolerable. The federal government is an abusive place to work right now.” That’s not acceptable. No one will be happy in that environment. Burnout is caused by the environment, not individual failure. Stop straining under an impossible load.

      Even if it takes a year to get a new job, at least you will be moving forward. Your next job can be a stepping stone. It doesn’t have to be The One. You are like a refuge needing a new home. Go out and get it! Finding a new job can be empowering. Even job interviews can be an interesting peek into new worlds. Every step is worthwhile if you have the right attitude and the persistence. Let the journey bring you hope. You are in the driver’s seat.

      1. I agree. OP is very young, and hopefully some of these posts will be the kick in the butt she needs.

        Hey I’m forever single too, living simply, currently in between jobs and anxious but you and I do have a lot going for us. You are smart, talented, well employed and positioned for many career options. Shoot if you simply want to save money move in with a roommate for awhile. Figure out what you really prioritize. But I would work on better job and more $$ asap. Now that you know a bit better what you are looking for in a partner – give it time. You have plenty.

      1. and do what? The job market in my field is not good right now. My skills aren’t super attractive outside of my field.

        Perhaps my fault for pigeon holing myself, but you know… sold the lie that government is stable and a “good” career choice.

  9. I love these pants. The price point is far superior to my
    means though. Rats.

  10. Where do you buy cotton jersey pull-on pajamas? I just want some normal PJ pants and shorts. Matching t-shirts or camis would be nice but not necessary. Everything I can find is polyester or modal.

        1. maybe not 100% cotton but they do have 93% cotton / 7% elastane – the “dreamy cotton-blend” collection. Wasn’t clear to me if the OP cared about a small synthetic content; these feel breathable to me vs. the 100% poly stuff!

          2. ok I promise I am not weirdly invested in PJs but the neckline is generous enough that you don’t need to actually use the buttons.

      2. I have a cotton seersucker nightgown from Lake and its my workhorse through the summers. Its expensive but highly recommend.

    4. How fashionable do you want them to be? Vermont Country Store has 100% cotton jersey. Garnet Hill has some that I think are cuter.

      Somehow I actually don’t mind modal unless it has spandex in it, but so often it does! Looks like Lands End’s cotton knit also has spandex currently.

    5. Old navy has comfy 100 percent cotton poplin pj long pants and shorts. They also offer coordinated tops. Nice cuts so the pants are comfortable and not restrictive. Price can’t be beat.

  11. Have you ever been at someone’s home and been shocked at how they live? I was invited to a friend of a friend’s this weekend and the level of clutter, dust, and just… piles of stuff everywhere made my blood pressure rise. I guess I like clean surfaces! But I was thinking about how for them, this feels normal and anything less clutter-y would probably feel cold and austere. Just like I’m sure someone has been to my house and thought I had too many books out or plants or who knows… it’s all relative!

        2. My house is objectively cleaner than 99% of folks, I even do the ‘extreme’ things like washing my curtains. Still doesn’t stop sh!tty comments, so no one gets to enter and ruin my safe space. They can make nasty comments about whatever restaurant or venue we visit.

      2. Why? Because someone you invite over may think you are a little messy? Most people probably won’t notice or care. And even the OP acknowledges this is a personal preference thing. Personally I love getting invited to people’s homes that are also a bit chaotic/messy. It makes me feel less bad about not having a Pinterest worthy house and also makes me feel special that they are comfortable/close enough with me that they are willing to share parts of their lives with me that are less perfect. Google the beautiful mess effect and you’ll see that most people are actually far more likely to like you more than judge you for imperfections like not having a perfectly kept house.

        1. To be fair someone thinking “how can you LIVE like this? ” is sort of my worst nightmare too. I don’t like idea of anyone thinking I’m messy or disgusting and having it change their opinion of me. There’s a reason some of us clean for days before having people over and still apologize when we open the door. It hurts to feel like your home and your lifestyle are gross to your friends.

          1. To be fair to OP, it may be that her “how can anyone live like this?” is more of a statement of how clutter stresses her out (she mentions her blood pressure rising) and it would be hard for her to live that way, not that she thinks the way her friend lives is shameful. I have a very hard time focusing or relaxing if my home is cluttered, so while I wonder in an anthropological manner about how other people can live like that, it’s just an observation and I don’t judge them for it.

            Studies have even shown that cortisol rises for women when their home is cluttered, so it’s a real effect for many people.

          2. It’s really hard to be on the receiving end of “wow my standards are SO much higher than yours that I truly wonder how you can function on an anthropological level.” The truth is the friend probably wishes she had the energy and executive function to have clean organized home. Saying “Wow, how interesting that you don’t care how messy your home is”
            hurts just as much as “you’re a slob.” She most likely does care but is struggles. It’s weird to pretend pointing out someone’s failure to meet your standards is neutral. It’s not, it’s a statement of superiority.

          3. You can also read below that people struggle with this. Yes sometimes they make other choices but no one feels GOOD about having a messy home. It’s similar to saying that I don’t know how you can possibly leave the house with messy hair or not go for a run every morning. I don’t point out other people’s shortcomings just because I have higher standards in those areas.

          5. Higher standards are not shortcomings. Pointing them out and marveling about how anyone with lower standards can possibly LIVE with themselves is the height of unkindness.

          6. “ It’s weird to pretend pointing out someone’s failure to meet your standards is neutral. It’s not, it’s a statement of superiority”. Oh goodness, I’m the one who made the anthropological comment above. I would never breathe a word of my thoughts about someone’s clutter or level of cleanliness. That would be beyond rude!

    2. I had a friend in law school who lived in a nice townhouse in a nice neighborhood with her long-term boyfriend. The kitchen and living areas were generally pretty clean, but the first time I went into their primary bath (I stayed overnight in the guest room on one occasion and it did not have its own bathroom) I was shocked. The toilet looked like it had not been cleaned, ever. Imagine a brown ring around the inside at least 3 inches wide. The vanity surface was covered in little hairs and sticky spots. It really changed my perception of the couple. I still loved them but was really taken aback at how they lived.

    3. Oh yes! I try to remember that I am there for them, not their home.
      I have learned to try and meet at a restaurnat or park if possible.
      Personally, clutter in my place makes me twitch.

      1. There is a clutter level I can deal with called “piles,” like a lot of books on surfaces or paper.

        Then there is a combo of slight hoarding + dust + despair that is mentally hard to watch (and rough on the allergies — there is often a stale mustiness if not whiff of old mold about places that have just been left in a Miss Havisham sate). At some point, those people stop letting others in because it’s just slid down from bad to OMG an intervention is needed.

    4. I feel my house looks like this, and I hate it too. I don’t inflict it on others though! It’s just a battle that I’m losing.

    5. Your friend of a friend sounds very normal. People get busy and houses get cluttered, or they just don’t care as much as you about having a photo ready house.

    6. Yes- a colleague was hosting a big group potluck BBQ and their kitchen was so disgusting (old sticky messes and trash and dirty pans – all unrelated to the BBQ itself, very obviously) that I honestly did not eat anything they prepared.

    7. Sure I have. But why do you assume they choose to live with piles of clutter and dust like it’s a style preference? Lots of people are overwhelmed by their clutter and don’t have the time or mental or physical energy to tackle it.

    8. I think unless the clutter rises to the level where it cannot possibly be clean, it’s just a matter of taste. Visual clutter gives me an anxious feeling, and my house is “plain” enough that some guests have offered to put me in touch with their decorator. Don’t get me wrong, I have “stuff” but it’s one item or set of items per flat surface or wall – with sets being such as four big opera posters framed and arranged in a square on a wall, or a row of small Moroccan lanterns on a mantel. I do have stacks of books because I have probably a couple thousand books and the bookcases are insufficient to hold them all. But they are very tidy stacks of books lined up down one side of a wide hall to the guest bedrooms and dusted regularly. I have friends who love to have many things on a wall and many little objects sitting around, and my eyes get tired when I visit.

      1. My in-laws’ place in NYC is very clean (I think my MIL could clean less if anything), but also packed to the hilt (especially with books, but also mementos and photos and small objects of personal significance). I find it uncomfortable, but my husband isn’t bothered by it at all. I grew up in a part of the country where people have a lot more space to work with, so I do think that is part of it.

        1. I was going to write something along these lines. My aesthetic preference is dead simple. I don’t care what’s in style, I don’t like color or pattern or anything approaching fanciness in my home. That doesn’t mean it’s always pristine but it’s sort of geared to my baseline preference. My mom’s house is full of pattern and color and lots of “cozy” lighting and tones. It’s much more clean and organized than mine on most days but it would still stress me out to live there. I need white space and white spaces to mentally unwind.

          1. Sometimes I think there’s a sensory seeking/sensory avoiding thing in decor (like some people are energized by all the complexity, and some people are drained by it, and we’re just wired differently?).

            I sometimes feel amazed when people let ads play on TV or on the radio without muting the audio. I’m not just stressed all the time, but those specific types of things do stress me out some.

          2. Yes! Unfortunately, my husband and I have opposite preferences. I want spare, clean, simple, and uncluttered, with minimal color. He wants pattern and color and a bunch of old junk everywhere. We have avoided redecorating for years because of the conflict it creates.

    9. My house is clean but it looks like two adults who read a lot and a kid live there. Because we do!

      I’m always a little shocked by people with perfectly organized everything. Like a pantry with things all decanted into glass containers. Perfectly folded towels in the linen closet. All surfaces clear of stuff. The amount of time they must spend.

      1. I’ve found through experience that I can’t have a perfect house and enjoy my life. Maybe other women can but the amount of time it would take to have those sparkling surfaces and Pinterest-worthy shelves would prevent me from going on fishing trips with my father, bike rides with my son, skiing with my husband, and all the other things I want to be doing in my free time. I often admire those homes and love interior design in general but when push comes to shove, you’ll find me outside. Life is just too short.

          1. There are only so many hours in the day. I don’t know why you are arguing with the poster who has identified that her life does not have enough free time to have a perfectly kept house and the amount of unstructured free time she needs to live the life she wants.

          2. They are, actually. My hobbies take me and my family outside ALL day and often overnight. We’re not in the house and physically able to dust/organize shelves. When we get back, we need to take care of urgent things like getting dinner on the table or laundry from our adventure. I’m not complaining – this is the life I’m choosing. I like to do small interior design upgrades here and there if I find there’s something I’d really like and there’s a window to do it but my life does not permit dedicated, repeated, focused time to maintain a very high appearance standard.

          3. I agree these aren’t mutually exclusive. We have two busy jobs and five kids and are very active and love being out and doing things. We just moved to Europe for a three year posting and my linen closet shelves were labeled and sorted from when when we moved in nine years ago until about six months ago when I refused to redo it because we were moving. The pantry and basement were the still organized. Two hours every six to eight weeks keeps everything in order. We don’t have any kind of cleaners or household help (other than childcare) but keeping on top of it is easy IF you insist on adherence to systems and everything being in its place. No one just drops things in our house, they need to go where they live. I spent very little time cleaning and lots of time on hobbies, fitness, leisure, travel and kids sports. Once the system is in place it really runs itself.

          4. As someone who does not keep a tidy home, I agree that you can do both. I know I actively resist cleaning because I don’t want to do it—but there’s plenty of time if I stopped scrolling, didn’t watch dumb television, or just stopped zoning out.

      2. Caveat that I don’t have kids, but my house is tidy because I deeply believe in the mantra “a place for everything and everything in its place.” Like for example, there’s never dirty laundry on the floor because that’s not where laundry goes – it goes in the laundry basket.

        1. So – I have a clean house but I am not a naturally tidy person. Relevant to this – I got my ADHD diagnosis in my late 30’s but… the signs were there. I have to work to keep a tidy house and I truly struggle with putting things back exactly where they came from.

          As I said to my friend ‘just put it back in the same place every time’ is basically ‘just eat less and move more’. Is it correct? Absolutely. Do I know this to be true? For sure. and… if only it were that easy.

        3. When my kids are away, esp. if it’s just me there, my house barely needs any tidying. It’s the other people that make this difficult. But I refuse to spend all my time tidying after my family and I also can’t figure out how to make small children care about this beyond throwing all their toys into (an overflowing & disorganized) bin when prompted.

          That said, I think there is a difference between clutter and dirt. I think of a single male friend who had very few things in his apartment and never left dirty dishes in the sink but rarely noticed things like hair in his bathroom or a ring around his toilet and it was not a place where I would want to stay. My mom on the other hand has knickknacks and books everywhere but everything is clean and cozy.

          1. +1. We have 3 pets, 2 kids, and 2 working adults. There is more animal hair on my floor on any given day than I’d like. But all surfaces are wiped regularly, the house is cleaned weekly, and our kitchen, mudroom, and bathrooms are cleaned daily – especially before guests.
            I see surface dust as very different than sticky counters, spills on surfaces, dishes left uncleared on a table hours after meals, piles of junk mail, piles of old dirty clothes/shoes everywhere, etc.

      3. I’m very organized like this (but no decanting, I find it wasteful unless it’s needed for moths or something, although my spices are alphabetized!). But it doesn’t really take me extra time, it’s just sort of how I’m wired. I’m fairly minimalist and put things neatly away ASAP.

        1. Interesting. I do not alphabetize my spices, but I keep the ones I use most regularly in the front.

          1. I’m the alphabetized, and mine are on racks mounted inside the pantry door deep enough for just one bottle. I would probably organize by frequency of use if they were in a cabinet or something deeper!

    10. Yes. I had a good friend in NYC in our 30s and once I went over so we could cook dinner at her place and I nearly died. Clutter, I can handle, but this was clutter plus filth. The kitchen and bathroom were nearly unusable. We had to move piles to sit on her couch.

      I never went over again.

      This is a beautiful and at the time very successful woman. Once I saw her place in understood why she’s always single. We drifted apart for other reasons but I really think this living situation was a signage of big problems.

  12. I’m going to be off work for surgery for two weeks soon. I’ve never been off for that long before! I’m on a small team (so my absence will be felt) and there are some things that only I know how to do. I know they’ll survive without me but I’m still spiraling a little bit. Any advice?

    1. Truly I mean this – medical leaves are a great development opportunity for people. It’s time bound and usually short and it can give people enough room to step up and learn something with enough grace for everyone involved if it doesn’t go perfectly. What a great gift to your team! Good luck with your procedure.

    2. You and the team both need to know that they’ll survive without you, and you’ll survive just fine being away from your job for two weeks! If needed, this might be a heads-up to document some of that stuff that only you know how to do.

      (I’m guessing, also, that some of the nervous energy around the operation may be spilling over into the work stuff. Which is OK. Just might help you not take the work spiraling quite as seriously. I watched a coworker once work very hard to prep for being away for surgery — stuff that she didn’t really need to angst over, and I realized that this was her way of gaining some area of calm and stability when they was a large portion of her life and health that was uncertain, unstable, and out of her control.)

    3. It’s the opportunity to identify gaps and also for others to see your value. I was out for 3 months for parental leave this spring… I actually wrote something about it because I started getting messages via LinkedIn because my (reasonably new to me) boss definitely made it sound like I had rage quit or been involuntarily benched when asked ‘Oh, where is Anon?’ at a meeting I usually lead/coordinate.

      The big thing that was noticed was how much I was doing to make sure things ran smoothly. It wasn’t the work product, it was the soft skills. Honestly, when I came back, people were actively reaching out telling me how much I was missed. TBD, but it will very likely result in a future career move for me… so I say let go of the guilt!

    4. You will be okay! They will be okay!

      I had to do this a few years ago, for 3-4 weeks. Although I was missed, nothing truly fell apart. Trust that the systems you built will be enough to make things run OK for a bit.

    5. I’m also going out for two-week medical leave for surgery soon, and last year I was out for two weeks on vacation. Last year when I talked to the coworker who was officially covering for me she said “It’ll be fine, two weeks isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.” I realized she was right, and even though it felt like so long to be away, in actuality I hadn’t missed much. (really goes to show how much false urgency there is in my corporate job, but that’s a different discussion).

      1. This is so depressing (not you, I mean us as a society). Corporate America will replace any of us in seconds without a backward thought, yet we are conditioned to think a necessary medical leave or two weeks vacation is almost unmanageable.

  13. I need a new home office chair. I am not looking to spend Aeron money but neither am I looking to destroy my back. I would prefer it not have arms and I must be able to have it shipped to my house. Any recommendations?

    2. You might be able to find an aeron chair secondhand. In my city (Chicago) there were a few warehouses that would sell the office equipment of companies that went under or went remote or something

    3. I also need this. I have a complicated pelvic floor and my current chair is causing issues. I’m willing to spend anything for whatever is the best here. Recommendations?

  14. Hopefully a somewhat light-hearted discussion: I just heard about the concept of bringing fancy gift baskets to L&D nurses. They aren’t given afterwards as a thank you; women go into the hospital with these.

    It feels… weird to me and I can point to many reasons why. (Thank-you gifts should be given afterwards; nurses are professionals, not hostesses; it’s more emotional labour for women; there are better things to do with your time before going into the hospital; and heaven forbid, if something went wrong, you would never look at a gift basket the same way again.)

    Or am I just a hater?

    1. Personally I think nurses deserve tips more than any service providers who blackmail me into tipping them.

    2. I feel like it’s parallel to the rise of tipping culture in places where people never gave tips before. Income inequality has widened a lot. Many public facing roles are understaffed and overworked. People with means are looking for ways to get better service or better care than the next guy.

    3. This is just an extension of the social media consumer culture. Women think they are supposed to spend all their time and money putting together fancy junk to give out. It seems to be most out of control in the young millennial age bracket–the people currently having kids, sending kids to elementary school, etc.

    4. I think it’s nice to give a gift. I didn’t do gifts in L&D (my brain was just not there) but I did give a large box of edible gifts when my husband spent 3 weeks in oncology for treatment and the staff there was truly a godsend. Like everything, I think this starts well meaning and then becomes a performative Instagram trend.

      1. Similarly, when my father was in inpatient rehab for many weeks, we brought boxes of donuts for the floor for everyone to share. We were so grateful, and were desperate for them to not give up on my Dad.

        OP – what you describe turns my stomach more than a bit. But maybe I was no better.

    5. I think it can be a gesture coming from a very good place, but would also bet that those gifts are 99% from women. I’d rather keep gifts out of the equation for this sort of thing.

    7. As a nurse, please don’t do this. It goes into the staff lounge or given to hospital administrators. We cannot accept gifts from patients like this. A box of donuts or bagels is fine, we share those with the rest of the staff. A gift basket is awkward and unnecessary.

  15. Just listened to a fabulous episode of the podcast Articles of Interest about the history and politics of knitting, lace, and crocheting. It’s called “Lace and Labor.” Highly recommend that episode and the podcast in general if you are interested in deep dives of the history and politics behind fashion.

      1. +1 thank you I’m looking forward to it! If I can return the favor there was an episode of this podcast on knockoffs that I throughly enjoyed.

    2. I love this podcast (and have already listened to this episode)! The entire backlog is worth listening to.

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