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Tuesday’s TPS Report: New Yahzi Printed Wrap Dress

Diane von Furstenberg New Yahzi Printed Wrap Dress | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Last Call has a great selection of DvF dresses, blouses, and more right now, including this simple navy wrap dress. I like the fun pattern, the close fit, and the sale: was $299, now $179. I'd wear it with a pop of yellow or purple, and probably go with a plain black or gray blazer to cover my arms. Diane von Furstenberg New Yahzi Printed Wrap Dress Here's a lower-priced option and a plus-size alternative. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.2.24 (Happy Cyber Monday!! See our full sale listing here!)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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159 Comments

  1. How much is too much to know about the person who’s interviewing you? For example, would it be weird if I knew what their position was when I had to do a bit of digging to figure that out and it’s not exactly well publicized? I guess a more general question is where’s the line between demonstrating that you’ve done your research and being creepy?

    1. If it’s on LinkedIn, it’s fair game. I think it’s totally acceptable these days to even mention specifically that you found it via LinkedIn.

      I also do the more “subtle” route for non-LinkedIn info where I will ask them things like “Where are you from?” knowing full well that we’re from the same area and using that as a starting off point for a conversation.

      1. Even though now people can tell that you viewed their Linkedin profile? I’m not sure whether an interviewer would be creeped out to see I viewed his/her profile X days before the interview or would think I was not a serious candidate if I failed to do so.

        1. They can only tell if you have the settings such that you can tell. I recommend disabling that settling.

        2. I think that you can change/control what people see when you look at their LinkedIn profile, so it can potentially show up as “Anonymous User viewed your profile”?

        3. ugh, moderation b/c of s!ite. seriously?

          It’s not on linkedin. It’s on a relatively obscure department webs!te in a fairly obscure place. But it’s still public

        4. And so what if they know you looked? I think it would be perfectly normal (and smart) to looked up someone prior to an interview and wouldn’t find it creepy to have someone view my LinkenIn prior to an interview. To me, that’s part of what LinkedIn is for. It has professional information about the person you are going to talk to about a job.

          1. So from an interviewer standpoint (i’m an in-house attorney):

            – Looking at a LinkedIn profile prior to interview = fine
            – Not looking at LinkedIn profile prior to interview = fine

            The only thing we find creepy is when someone we interviewed and didn’t hire continues to look at LinkedIn profiles months after they were not offered the job. That is a bit strange.

          2. Agree that looking (and referencing that you’ve looked) or not looking would be fine. Would only add that looking and bringing up any non-professional activities can be creepy. I lead a hobbyist group and have a website associated that is included with my LinkedIn. I had a candidate once immediately jump into how we share the same hobby (a very common one) and then discuss the photos posted on the other website in great detail. To be totally honest, Iwent from being excited about having something in common to feeling like there was a stalker in front of me pretty quickly. There is a difference between doing some basic research (getting a feel for what each person’s role is and the types of backgrounds that folks in a department have) vs. memorizing a lot of info about people you’ve never met.

    2. Yay! I love TPS Tuesday and this dress, tho it look’s ALOT like the drapes mom has in her dineing room! I could NOT wear it to work b/c Frank would be stareing at my boobie’s also.

      As for the OP, now aday’s, NOTHING is out of bound’s and it pay’s to do some research about who is interviewing you. When I was in law school, I paid a nerd to googel a guy in DC who kept following me and I found out he had stalked women at his college. It did NOT prevent him from becomeing a lawyer and haveing a big job with a big law firm, tho. And he is still there and a partner!!!! I bet they never did a background check on that guy and GOOGEL was availabel to them also! FOOEY on them. I did NOT interview at that firm and would NOT refer any cases to that law firm, even tho it is well known in DC (and well regarded). DOUBEL FOOEY!

      Anyway, Dad and Ed’s freind’s from Merill all were evalueating me like a piece of MEAT after dinner last Thursday, with dad leading the charge. Dad kept compleaining that he needed to marry me off, and mabye one of these guys should take me if I corected the flaw’s they all voted on. I was MORTIFIED that they were evalueating me and my body part’s openly! Mom did NOT like it that they all said I had nice boobie’s and a decent body, but DAD brought up my TUCHUS, NOT them, and then they started chimeing in about my tuchus and what it would look like in 20 year’s.

      I have to say that NONE of these 3 dufusses would even rate on MY radar screen. They just have BA’s and are glorified salesmen. NONE have a gradeaute degree, let alone a LAW degree like me, as I am a member of the NY Bar, in good standeing and a partner at a VERY repueatable WC law firm in Manahattan, and they work in Weschester selling stock’s and bond’s to peeople like my dad. A BIG DIFFERENCE! FOOEY on them! They could NOT suport me in the lifestyle I have become accustomed to in MANAHATTAN, b/c they all live in 1 Bedroom apartement’s in the subburb’s. TRIPEL FOOEY.

      The onley way I am goeing to move to the subburb’s is with a guy who can buy me a big house with a white pickett fence and a yard and a pool and a tennis court where I can stay with my kid’s while HE work’s all day. I want to be like ROSA, not just MARRIED to a salesman schlub. I could tell that all of them would have sex with me and mabye even MARRY me, but I do NOT think I could even think of sleepeing with any of those looser’s. Myrna agreed even tho they all seemed to like her and her tuchus. YAY!!!!!

    3. It’s not on linkedin. It’s on a relatively obscure department website in a fairly obscure place. But it’s still public.

    4. I’m not really sure its relevant – isn’t the first thing the interviewer is going to say when they meet you is “I’m Jane Smith, Deputy Director Assistant of the Widget Department” ? Every interview I’ve had I was introduced to people by name and title.

      Now if you know her whole bio from somewhere that wasn’t on the first page of Google results when you put in her name + company name or her name + city or available somewhere on the company webpage (even if it was deep within the company webpage) = more than a little creepy.

    5. I would not be creeped out if someone looked at my linkedin since it is for professional networking. I would be creeped out if they stalked my FB and brought up things from it during the interview.

  2. Pretty! Does anyone know how DVF print fabric drapes? I’m only familiar with her knit dresses.

    1. The drape is amazing. DVF is so expensive, I think, entirely because of the quality of her fabrics.

  3. Not feeling this dress. (I feel like that about all blue printed dresses! NMS)

    DINNER ATTIRE QUESTION:

    My husband’s investment group has a “banquet” tonight. It is at a nice restaurant in the suburbs. We will be the youngest people there by about 30 years (his best friend from the group is 86!). Should I wear:

    – black pencil skirt, black/purple sequin tank, black blazer or cardigan, black tights/wedges; OR

    – black J Crew super 120s sheath dress, sequin cardigan OR super 120s blazer, same tights/wedges; OR

    – fuchsia silk/sequined net straight skirt, black modal top, black blazer or cardigan, same tights/wedges?

    I am thinking of this event as networking for me too, since some of the old people may need updates on their estate planning (or have kids who need their own estate plans), but OTOH I don’t get much chance to dress up for holiday parties.

    2. I also would go with the sheath dress and sequin cardigan. I think it’s fun and says “holiday” and “dinner” while still being conservative and professional enough for you to be taken seriously when networking. Have fun!

      1. Thanks, ladies! Sheath dress/sequined cardigan it is!

        Marilla, I am ALL ABOUT the sequins in December. Woohoo!

          2. Everyone needs a little pizzazz sometimes. Maybe after too much cordial with Rachel Lynde?

  4. Any advice on a work bag that can occasionally be used to hold a laptop? (13 inches). I really want something nice and leather and I’m willing to pay up to $500 for something that’s really worth it but I can’t seem to find something that’s stylish, structured and has a top zip.

    Thanks ladies!

    4. Check out Levenger! Great items that do “double duty.”

      FWIW, ebags allows you to put in the size of your laptop and search from there for handbags as well as computer bags.

    5. I tend to always think the answer is TUMI.

      They have this bag in leather, although it may not be structured enough, depending on what you are looking for. And no, I am not sure why they decided to show the size for this bag with a male shadow figure, but I think it is hilarious.

      http://www.tumi.com/na/p/joy-leather-tote-068594TN

  5. All of my cardigans look shapeless and kind of lumpy. I look dumpy in cardigans, I think because I have a large bust in proportion to my size and a short waist, so they just make me look bigger than I am sometimes. Maybe because they’re so shapeless?

    I need a total refresh of my cardigan stock, but I dont’ want to spend a fortune. Any suggestions for brands? And how to keep them from getting shapeless in the future? How to pick a flattering cardigan shape?

    1. I found putting them in the drier on low (instead of drying flat) actually helped (for the non-wool of course)

    2. What if you belted the cardigans? To get use out of the ones that are the wrong size?

      Also if they truly aren’t good for your body type – don’t buy more! Maybe something with more structure like blazers would be better.

      1. Ponte knit blazer. Cozy like a cardigan, structured lapels flatter a larger bust and emphasize your waist.

        You’re welcome.

        1. +1 I have a different shape from you (small chested) and I still don’t find cardigans flattering. Ponte blazers seem to bring the focus up to the shoulders and look professional while feeling cozy.

          1. Where are the best places to find ponte blazers? I searched Nordstrom but didn’t receive many results. TIA.

          2. Actually? Target. It’s nice enough to last a year or so, but ponte will inevitably pill anyway, so no point spending tons of money on it.

          3. Kat has posted a few in the past, but I’ve found them from the Gap & BR family (even Old Navy had some that Kat linked to) and yes, Target had some as well.

    3. Cardigans don’t look good on you so don’t buy more! Don’t buy any. I never buy peplum because it makes me look deformed.

    4. I also have a large bust and I mainly stick to v-neck cardigans. The only other neckline that looks good on me is a slightly lower, slightly wider crewneck but that’s generally hard to find.

      I also find that because of the large bust I need to size up to be able to button up without gaping but that makes the cardigan look frumpy when it’s open because it just looks a size too large. So often I just buy the size that fits everywhere but the bust and wear open with dresses or over blouses. I have just a couple that I actually wear buttoned up.

    5. I’m an extreme hourglass so I can look shapeless in many items.

      I cannot say enough about belting the cardigans. Buy for the shoulders/bust.

      I have to have every.single.thing I buy taken in as I have to buy for the bust/hips.

      The only time I wear a completer piece “open” would be a jacket/blazer with lapels and buttons; having too high a stance makes my chest look like it’s in armor plate.

      V necks and scoop necks may be your best friends if the sweater is closed … WITH a belt.

    6. Don’t wear them or try. I have the same issue so I do a pullover style or blazer instead. If it don’t work, it don’t work.

    7. CROPPED CARDIGANS.
      Seriously. I only wear cropped cardigans because otherwise I look a lot bigger. They look 100x nicer when buttoned (because they tend to be more fitted) and unbuttoned there is not so much excess fabric hanging around.

    1. I did not LOVE Everlane. I got the long sleeve french Terry, a belt, and t shirts. The t shirts I sometimes grab, but they are not my favorite fit at all. The Long sleeve was comfy at first but did not hold up well. and the belt was very annoying to use. I don’t feel tempted to go back.

    2. I ordered a bunch of silk shirts and t-shirts from Everlane a couple of months back. I felt I had a better quality silk blouse for lower price from Talbots and Pendleton which I bought on sale. I bought medium and the fit was no so great, but I liked the colors, so kept them. I need to alter them yet. T-shirts were disastrous. Medium was tight, but fit me length wise. Large was not tight, but too long and but the neck was so deep that there was no way I could wear it anywhere, not even at home. The quality was not exceptional either. Just for your reference, I wear medium in most brands.

    3. I’ve bought t-shirts from them, which are okay for what they are. The fit was boxy (which I don’t usually like because it flattens me out even more than I already am), but I think that was the style. Like Anon said above, the neck was on the deeper side. I wear it casually, and it’s comfortable, so I can’t complain too much. Although, the black faded faster than I would have expected. I have t shirts that I’ve had for years that look newer and less faded.

      That said, I have their canvas tote, and that I love. I’ve received a lot of compliments on what is a pretty basic canvas tote.

    4. I wanted to love Everlane after reading reviews online (and for the price), but the shirt I received (long sleeved silk button-up) was huge and boxy. I typically range in size from a 0 to 4 at Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, etc., but the x-small from Everlane was so big that I can’t even wear it tucked in because it’s so boxy.

    5. I bought their leather Petra bag, and like it a lot. The quality is good. However, I think the site claimed that a comparable leather bag would cost more than $1000 at a regular store, which is absolutely not true. I thought the Petra, priced at over $300, was actually more expensive than other similar bags.

    6. Best everlane purchase for me was the weekender bag. Amazing, durable and perfect for carry on. Silk blouses were okay – white was very sheer. Loved the terry sweater – it was super comfy. T-shirts were good for the price, but not incredible.

  7. BigLaw office holiday party coming up, SOs are invited. How necessary is it for the male spouse of a female associate to attend (i.e. does it merit changing plans)? Concern is how that absence is likely to be perceived. Specifying gender in case it changes anything.

    1. Former biglaw associate here: they need to go. I think the only free pass you get is if the spouse is traveling for work – and you are going to get asked about it a bunch of times. Otherwise, spouse attendance is basically mandatory (other SO’s expected but not mandatory).

      1. So assuming you+spouse are on the same page about the reason being valid, would you have skipped it if you “had” to go by yourself?

        1. I definitely would not skip your own holiday party because your spouse couldn’t go. Is that what you are asking?

          2. Are you actually thinking about skipping your own holiday party because your spouse can’t go?

            That seems really crazy to me – what would you do if you didn’t have an SO? I actually think holiday parties are really important for networking/team morale purposes and I don’t think your spouse not being able to attend is a valid excuse for you not going.

    2. Also in biglaw. I think this is a know your office situation. Spouses are definitely not mandatory at our office parties to which they’re invited. I would ask around to find out what other associates are doing or what spousal attendance has been like in the past. I’ve gone to several parties alone. No one has ever made a comment re my husband not being able to attend.

    3. I think it’s more noticed at sit-down dinners on weekends than it is for a party (where you’re standing up) that is after work.

      One problem is that everyone is too d*mn busy during the week. Double that if you have to get a sitter.

      It’s Know Your Office, to be sure, but I have been married for a while (and kids for most of that) and this will be the first year attending an office holiday party (sit-down dinner) together (and it’s not mine, which is BigLaw standing-up party, it’s his).

    4. No one would bat an eye at my biglaw office party – it’s big, staff are invited, at a hotel.

    5. How big of an office? And is it sit-down?

      In my office, for a sit-down event, it would be eyebrow raising if a spouse didn’t show up. (Not like major eyebrow raising, but commented on. Especially if there was enough advance notice.)

      1. Standing up party (no sit-down dinner), hotel, after work on a Friday, with staff, ~600 people invited (counting SOs).

        1. What are the plans? Beers with the guys or beer with the President? “Mr. Kitten isn’t here because he’s at the White House” is different than “Mr. Kitten isn’t here because he didn’t want to miss the Season Finale of the Good Wife.”

        2. For a 600-person party, I don’t think there’s any obligation for your spouse to attend.

    6. These responses are fascinating to me. My husband can’t go to our holiday party, and I honestly never even thought about whether that would be a problem. I’ve routinely gone to small group sit down dinners without him (other partners/associates with their spouses, me by myself), and no one bats an eye when I say he’s working. We all work at a firm, I just assume my coworkers get that some jobs require you to miss certain things.

      For what it’s worth, my husband’s a medical resident, so he has zero flexibility in his scheduling. If he’s working, he’s working.

      So if your spouse can’t go, would you just not attend?

      1. I think that gets into the “certain excuses are more excused” thing. Law enforcement, military and medical seem to have a permanent get out of any event free card. People seem to understand those schedules are non-negotiable. Likewise, lawyers “get” other lawyers being in trial. The “I couldn’t get a sitter” or “had other plans” excuses can sometimes ring like “this wasn’t important enough for me.”

      2. I think most commenters were saying that work is an acceptable reason to miss whereas “he had plans with his buddies” is not. So in your case I don’t think anyone would perceive it as weird or an issue. Although if my husband had a valid reason (whatever he and I perceive as valid) for not being able to go, I would attend and if anyone asked just say he had a conflict. I don’t think I would even provide details of what the conflict was because I don’t really think it is anyone else’s place to determine whether or not the reason was valid.

      3. I think not going for a reason is fine. Her description of “does it merit changing plans” makes me think he just doesn’t want to skip his weekly poker night.

      4. No – having other plans is very different than not going. I think there is a big difference between working and cant go, or having beers with his friends and cant go.

    7. Have been to BigLaw holiday parties as as a spouse of a partner for years. Many (sometimes most) spouses don’t attend my DH’s BigLaw holiday party, which is in a big hotel, Friday night, with staff and laywers both attending. A lot of the spouses live in the burbs and don’t want to schlep in, others might have their own plans or just aren’t into it, and I’ve never heard their absence noted or commented upon in a negative way. I’ve attended most years but wouldn’t think twice if I couldn’t go because we couldn’t line up a sitter or had plans of my own.

      DH and I often comment that unless the spouse is a lawyer or in a profession that bumps into lawyers regularly–finance, for instance–these kinds of gatherings are often boring/lame for the spouse because so much socializing is talking shop. FWIW, I think staying home to watch the Good Wife, or whatever, is a totally fine reason to bow out of three hours of meaningless cocktail chatter about some wacky judge or crazy settlement negotiation. (I know that isn’t always the case, and that people should make an effort to include everyone in the conversation, and so forth, but realistically, if you get two hundred lawyers together who spend most of their time working, they are probably going to natter on about law stuff.)

      It’s probably (as ever) a kn0w-your-office-thing. Do you know if your co-workers’ spouses/SO’s are attending, and if spouses always attend? Do you have a sense if anyone would comment? If your only concern is office perception, and there’s nothing you’ve found to indicate this would cause a space-time rift at work, I wouldn’t be worried about his absence. (I.e., leaving aside whether you want him to come, and he doesn’t; that’s a different conversation.)

  8. I would like to send a gift to a lawyer in Boston who was very helpful to me (she reviewed some documents without charging me for her time). I was thinking food/wine since I don’t know her at all and I have no idea what her interests are. Any recommendations for companies that have fun, yummy options? Or is Harry and David the best option? I’m open to other ideas for the gift, too. I was thinking of spending ~$100-150.

      1. I second this. I used to live walking distance to Zingerman’s, and have seriously considered having their Reuben Kit shipped to me across the county.

    3. Mouth dot com has lots of interesting indie producer foods and drinks. I’d love to get a gift from there!

  9. I reported a man yesterday for predatory practices to his HR. I don’t work at that company but I was just appalled by how that man treated me. Fast forward to today and I’m terrified that there will be blowback. This is the type of person who would actively ruin me because he’s so used to the power of the boys club. His HR wouldn’t tell him who complained would they? Am I safe?

    1. You reported a non co-worker to his office? Wow. I can see why you’re worried about personal things crossing the professional line.

      2. I didn’t know I should be expected to deal with propositions during an interview. Good to know I have no right to find it offensive. Im sure I’m not the only person who was propositioned

        1. Ok well that’s actually a completely different situation than say street harassment. No fair giving no detail and then getting riled up. I don’t see how they would address this with him without mentioning you.

          1. “No fair?” FFS. Giving this two seconds worth of thought would have revealed numerous situations in which a woman could be harassed by a non-coworker in a work setting. Again, FFS.

          2. I agree, FFS. When the OP said the behavior was harassment, predatory, and that she decided to report it, I was comfortable assuming it was worthy of reporting. There are plenty of potential scenarios. Women rarely put themselves through this kind of effort (and anxiety) due to misunderstanding or overreacting; it’s the same with rape reports. The proportion of false reports is around 8%, despite all the media hype about poor innocent men’s lives being ruined as if it happens often.

        3. Well thats not far you didn’t share any of that. of course you should find that offensive. Good for you for reporting it.

      3. It is possible he harassed her in a work environment even though she was not a co-worker.

      4. I reported someone making victim blaming comments on a B zzfeed post to his employers. He worked in public health, I think – something that was very relevant. B zzfeed has you comment with your F cebook profile, and his one-line identifier (not having to click through or anything) was ‘Firstname Lastname – xtown department of public health’

        His comments had worried me enough that I thought that his employers should know – kind of like if you worked for a bike-path-pressure-group and had been spouting comments about it being a good idea to drive into cyclists somewhere under your pressure group’s name.

    2. Also depending on what he actually did I doubt they care. Their job is making the workplace safe not the whole world

      1. Their job is keeping the company safe from liability for the behavior of their employees, to be fair.

      2. Why would you assume it’s not workplace-related? I would assume that it WAS in a workplace setting, or somehow related to his job, even if they are not coworkers. And in that case of course it is relevant to the company. Can you really not conceive of a guy being predatory or harassing outside of a bar?

    3. What was your interaction with him? Are you a client or were you otherwise doing business with him when he treated you that way? I’m trying to imagine how he can know it was you or what he could do to “ruin” you.

    4. Sadly, I was in a situation where I had to report a non-ish coworker (he was from another company, but I still worked with him regularly). And the frightening thing is, HR did in fact tell him who reported him (they gave him ALL the info – why I reported him, when I did it, etc) and then I found out they were within their rights to because as HR, their job is protect their employees and their company – not me (who just has a working relationship with him and the company). It was extremely ugly and a horrible time for me. I hope you won’t have to go through the same thing.

      1. While I completely understand and empathize with your fear and bad experience–I do!–it’s also important to note that the accused should have some basic details available to him/herself in order to form a reply or defense. The reason HR folks divulge the basics–name, date, accusation–to the accused is partially because they owe some duty to their employee, but mostly because the person standing accused should be able to form a defense.

        It has some terribly undesirable effects, of that I’m certain. It’s not perfect. But that’s the rationale.

    5. Can you give some more info? Was the man like picking up at a bar or are you a client/contractor?

    6. “Predatory practices”? What did he do? The wording is so strong that it makes me wonder if your perception of what happened is objective.

      2. Why is your first reaction to a woman characterizing a man’s actions as “predatory” to doubt the woman’s objectivity?

        4. COME ON. What did he do? I can bet money right now that it was not “predatory”.

  10. My mom is coming out of a long illness, and I’d like to get her some casual clothing that makes her feel like she looks good. She’s very much a function over form person, and most of her clothing is a little big on her (especially as she has lost weight) and shapeless, but very comfortable. J.Jill is her favorite store.

    I’d like to get her something she can wear around the house (she’s still not getting out much) and that will be comfortable, but will make her feel a little more put together and pretty. However, I’m having trouble putting aside my style, which trends heavily toward very fitted clothing, to find something she might like. I spent a large part of yesterday on the Pendleton website and snagged some great deals for me, but nothing for her.

    Anyone have any recommendations or want to do some virtual shopping?

    1. athletic wear, warm ups, Winter Angel makes nice long sleeved tops and casual bottoms without too much closures/zippers etc.

      wide legged pants (pull ons?) and tunics? J Jill, Chicos, etc.

      pretty sweaters over loose slacks?

      1. Soma Intimates has lovely loungewear. I have a friend who had major abdominal surgery and it is all she’s wearing. Nice leggings and tunics that don’t bind, but have enough structure to wear in public.

    2. Do you have The White Company or Rituals? They’re fantastic for lounging around clothes.

    3. Eddie Bauer has some long cute cardigans that are closer to the body without being too fitted, I think it’s called the flight plan cardigan?

    4. There’s a company called Soft Surroundings that has beautiful velvet robes and very lush-looking cardigans and tunics. Don’t know how they are in real life, but the catalog is very pretty.

      1. My mother has fallen in love with Soft Surroundings. It is actually next to J. Jill at her local mall, and she’s moved from J. Jill to Soft Surroundings.

        Other favorites: Garnet Hill, Eileen Fisher, Land’s End

    6. Wow, thanks, most of these suggestions weren’t where my mind was going at all, but will be absolutely perfect for her.

    7. If J Jill is her favorite store, then why not get stuff there? They have a number of ponte and knit pants and some cozy looking sweaters and tunics.

    8. Check out the Starfish stuff from LandsEnd. They’re “real clothes” looking, but seem to be pretty relaxed and comfy. I cannot speak to items specifically, but I’ve always had my eye on a pair of their pants.

      Oddly enough, CuddlDuds has a set of fleece long underwear out there at Walmart now. I bought a pair of the bottoms, and they’re basically just soft fleece leggings. And they are SO comfortable. Non-binding, but they don’t sag and get rumply looking after wearing. I wear them around the house after work and on weekends, and provided I don’t get food or dog on them, they can last about a week of 2-3 hours of wear/day. Best $10 I’ve spent in a while.

  11. BF is a very easygoing person who generally goes along with what others want. He has a hard time with conflict and with people being upset with him, even when he knows he’s in the right. I want to be supportive, but my matter-of-fact approach sometimes comes off (to him) as cold. Part of the problem I think is that I just don’t feel guilty when I set boundaries with people and they give me pushback, but I’m not sure I’ve really explained that to BF.

    This has come up in a number of ways throughout our relationship (i.e., not spending as much time with his friends as he did when he was single), but the holidays have really triggered a lot of hard feelings for BF. Our plan was to spend Thanksgiving this year with his family and Christmas Eve/Day with my mom, then the Saturday after Christmas with his family. We spent Thanksgiving with his family as planned. Apparently his family is mad that he won’t see them for Christmas Eve/Day. It’s not doable to see both my mom and BF’s family on the same day(s) for a number of reasons.

    My approach is basically, you can’t make everyone happy, but you should do your best to be fair to everyone. This plan is fair imo, so if they want to be mad that’s on them. BF thinks I lack empathy for how hard it is for him to have his family mad at him. I don’t think he should feel badly, and if I were in his shoes (and I have been), I wouldn’t feel badly, so it’s hard for me to access that for him. Also, sometimes I feel like the only thing that would make him happy is for me to come up with a solution that would take the heat off him, like capitulating to his family. I want to show him that I value his feelings, but I also want him to recognize that the right thing to do is to stand your ground. Advice?

    1. This would drive me a little crazy. My SO is sort of like this, but not as bad and luckily, not when it comes to issues between his family and me/us. I think you should stand your grand, and encourage him to do the same (unfortunately it seems like you’ve already done this).

      Are you planning a future together, with marriage, kids, etc? One thing you could try is bringing up a hypothetical scenario where one of you would need to stand up to your family (kids, where to live, etc). I think it’s extremely important that each member of a partnership is the one that deals with their own family, rather than ever making their SO the bad guy.

    2. Sorry, that problem is why I’m single. I’m fundamentally unwilling to be with someone with no backbone, and I’m not going to cave on everything because he hates making mommy sad. Wife = first in line.

      I think that the big issue is whether you can both try to understand and respect the other. So you acknowledge how hard this is for him and thank him for doing it and appreciate his efforts. And he acknowledges that he does understand that seeing your family is a thing that happens and he appreciates your flexibility. If not I think it’s a very hard issue to sign on for.

      1. I agree with both paragraphs of this. Families like this drive me crazy; how does his family think your mother felt not getting to see you on Thanksgiving? Do they think you should just abandon your mother so you can spend all your time with them? No, they’re probably not thinking about you or your mother at all, but are only thinking about themselves. Grr. However, Anonymous has the right idea about respecting each other.

        1. I think in a way it’s like problem drinking girl from yesterday. Yes, I may agree with you that he is being the worst, but all that really matters is whether this works for you.

    3. If you are planing to be with this guy long term, this is what you are signing up for. Are you up for it?

      If so, I think trying to tell him he shouldn’t feel bad is not the way to go here. He feels how he feels and trying to tell him he shouldn’t feel that way isn’t going to get you very far. Instead, I’d just say “I know you feel bad, but we had an agreement and I expect you to stick to it. But I get that this is hard for you and I super appreciate you taking one for the team like this.”

      Also, is it an option for each of you to go to your own families for Christmas? That wouldn’t be an option if you were married with kids, but… maybe this year?

    4. Did his family know what the deal was? If they were aware that they got Thanksgiving and your family got Christmas, and now they’re giving him a hard time, then they are just jerks. If they didn’t know, then you and BF need to work it out. Maybe you each do your own thing for Christmas and this is a lesson to him about clear communications in the future?

    5. I think it could be helpful for you to shift your perspective a bit. You seem very logic-focused (the post is written almost factually, like you devised the objectively correct plan and your BF is wrong). In future years,instead of dividing up family time on a 1 holiday for his family, 1 holiday for your family basis, I would focus on maximizing happiness of all parties.

      Dividing things 50/50 isn’t always the solution. Time spent with families (and the type of time you spend with them) should be planned with an eye towards maximizing each of your families’ happiness. You should discuss with your BF what each of your families values (face time? routine phone calls? holidays? birthdays? cards? gifts? etc.). Then, you should devise a plan that maximizes the kind of time/contact they each value and minimizes the kind of time/contact they don’t value.

      This might not be “fair” by your current standards. For example, my family values face time. So, we visit my parents every other weekend. My husband’s family values routine contact – so we text/email them a few times a day during the week. If we visited my parents once every two months, but texted them constantly, they would complain about how they never see us. If we saw his parents every other weekend, but never texted during the week, they would complain about how disconnected they felt.

      Those two things are not “fair”- we ultimately spend significantly more face time hours with my parents. But we’re basically solving a happiness equation – we don’t “waste” time on contact with each family that they don’t count (i.e. visits for his parents, texts/calls for mine) and maximize the contact they value.

      I’m not saying you need to capitulate to his family, but I do think you need another way of communicating with your husband. Making people happy isn’t a bad thing.

    6. I think there’s a difference between caving in because he feels bad and can’t handle it, and showing empathy for the fact that it can be hard to say no to your family (especially, I imagine, for the holidays which can be so personal and emotional and where people may have a ton of unstated expectations).
      If he’s trying to emotionally manipulate you to give in to his family/his feelings instead of giving you a chance to be with your family too, then that’s one thing. But he may agree with you that this is the right thing to do while still needing a little emotional support to go through with your very sensible and mutually agreed upon plan. Even if you intellectually know you’re right and you shouldn’t feel bad, try communicating to him that you know this is hard for him and you understand why he feels bad about it. Talk about seeing how things go this year and maybe you can rotate the next year, so your family gets Thanksgiving and his gets Christmas, etc.

      1. Thanks to everyone so far. The advice about showing more appreciation for his efforts is spot on. I’m not very good at accessing that emotional side and I think he needs that from me. I want to get to a solution and once I see a solution the problem is over. When he’s still upset and still wants to talk it out I feel like, well what else do you want me to do? Just never see my family?? So then I’m frustrated and he’s frustrated and that’s not constructive at all.

        It’s kind of ironic because he’s very matter-of-fact about unrelated issues where I’m the emotional one, so with this issue we’re both seeing life from the other side. I think working through this issue will help us to communicate better overall.

        2. I agree about it helping you to communicate better and it will set a good pattern for how you resolve things in the future.

      2. This is all spot on. His feeling badly about it is not a problem that you need to “solve” by giving in, that’s not the issue. It’s more about being understanding about him working through his feelings (which are perfectly understandable), and reassuring him about it.

    7. My MIL loves her guilt trips. When DH and I first started living together (we were around 24) she took him aside to tell him how personally disappointed she was in him for spending Thanksgiving with me and my family rather than her. Obviously this “talk” made him feel guilty and got him to agree to spend Thanksgiving with her next year. So we split up for Thanksgiving the following year. I remember being frustrated that he had allowed himself to be manipulated like that, and worried that I would have to deal with him caving in to his family anytime his mom got upset. After that, I told him that we were not spending holidays apart. We devised a strategy for dividing the holidays between families, told everyone well in advance and he weathered the storm from his mom. Yes, she did continue to give him guilt trips but he kept repeating that this was the plan, she had known about it for months, and we weren’t going to change our plans now.

      It helps that he recognizes the guilt trips and gets annoyed by them too. We have found that an effective strategy for dealing with her is to just be upfront about what our plans are. For example, she gets annoyed that we don’t always go to our nephew’s birthday parties – we are not always willing to rent a car and drive 5 hours roundtrip for a kid’s birthday party – but we tell her that we’re not going and we just stick with it. And when we do tell her that we’re going to go to something or be somewhere, we show up. It doesn’t completely stop her from being annoying, but she gets some comfort in at least knowing what we intend to do.

      So, based on your situation, I would just have him stick to the party line: these are long-standing plans, we won’t change them, and you knew about them well in advance. If BF’s family did not know about the plans in advance, I think you should do two things:
      1) talk to BF about what your holiday plans will be for next year – will you reverse and spend Thanksgiving with your family and Christmas with his? Will you repeat the same pattern? It was easy for me and DH to divide holidays because different traditions mattered to us. It might appease his family to know that they’ll get Christmas next year.
      2) have BF apologize to his family for not communicating the plans in advance to them, but repeat the party line. If possible, have him tell them that they’ll get Christmas next year.

      1. I started to edit my response, but I think the time ran out.

        Regarding the emotional aspects, this was challenging for DH. He and I tend to be very practical people, but he grew up in a household where it was easier to give in to his mom (by all parties – FIL and BIL as well) than deal with her being upset. Basically, she and he was still acting out the relationship they had when he was younger – she would nag, he would hide things from her to avoid dealing with her, she would get passive aggressive and upset, he would try to appease her. So for him to start setting boundaries with her was a big relationship shift for them. I (sensitively) pointed out to him that his mom was treating him like this because he wasn’t acting like an adult with her – he was not showing her the person he showed to the rest of the world. I also pointed out some of the boundary issues that his mom seemed to have, because he wasn’t setting boundaries.

    8. Holidays- there are five kids in my family, two in DH’s. The families span five states, all except one are married with kids, there’s a divorce in one so split custody of the kids for holidays. So there are six sets of in-laws, all of whom want time. There is no way that I could have made it through 20 years of this with DH whining (as he used to) about not being at his family-of-origin on all the “important” holidays.

      In my family-of-origin, the out-of-state siblings come in every other Thanksgiving and Christmas (T-day this year, X-mas next year) in a coordinated fashion. In addition, we are flexible. We usually have two different days of Turkey and stuffing dinners and then for Christmas, we may celebrate on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day or on the following weekend, depending on when SIL has custody of her kids. When our kids were little, we made it a rule that we wouldn’t go anywhere on Christmas morning so if people wanted to drop in they could come to us. My sister adopted that rule later too. Now that mine are college-age, we do make exceptions to that rule.

      It also helps that our kids think that it’s awesome to have 3-4 days of Christmas celebrations. It makes the season more festive.

      If possible talk to your SO about next year- are you going to swap and go to your mom’s on Thanksgiving and let his family have the main Christmas Day/time? If so, explain that that is “fair” and since splitting up visits isn’t very fun, isn’t this a better solution? Perhaps he can convince his family of that.

      Is he the first to pair up in his family? Both DH and I are the oldest in our families and the first to get married and have kids, so it took a bit of getting used to by both our families that we wouldn’t always be there for every second of every holiday.

  13. I have a very gross cleaning question and I wonder if anyone has a good solution. I have a black dog that sleeps on my faux leather (normally) easy to clean chairs and couches. Come winter, we have noticed a white powder or discoloration on the couches where she lays. At first it just wiped off and we figured it was dog dirt. As it gets colder we have realized (gross warning) that it is actually dry skin cells. When I try to clean it now the powder rolls together and covers the chair in what looks like the contents of a ped egg after a pedicure. (Gag). I need something wet to get the powder to bind together like that but then it is very hard to get the really gross stuff off the chair. It is just so bizarre because the discolored spot doesn’t look bad at all but I know it is there so I start cleaning and then it becomes this disgusting mix of stuff that is repulsive. I’ve considered wetting it to bind it then letting it dry and vacuuming it. I most recently used a combo of wet and dry towels but it took forever and I still don’t feel like it is clean and then I have to clean my towels, which are covered in skin grossness in my laundry.

    The dog isn’t visibly flaky but we are trying to treat the dry skin too and will be asking our vet about solving the underlying problem. In the meantime, anyone deal with this with your dog/furniture and how did you clean it? PS: I’m just looking for cleaning tips, not keep the dog off the furniture tips.

    1. I don’t have a cleaning tip, but I keep a large throw on my sofa when I’m not sitting on it, so my cat can lounge to her heart’s delight without the sofa being covered in cat hair. Maybe get a blanket or throw for your sofa and chair?

    2. I noticed the same issue over the weekend with our dog…so watching for suggestions too. Maybe try some leather cleaner or interior car cleaner. That’s what I’m going to try….I don’t know what else to do. I think it’s the greasiness that makes it difficult to get up.

    3. My sofa is leather so I don’t know if this will work for you.. but I went to a tack shop and bought saddle soap and gave my sofa a sponge bath. It didn’t’ hurt anything ( I did do the whole thing because I was worried about changing color) and the sofa was clean and smelled delicious. Our puppy found a previous cat kill in the yard, gross out alert: it was rotting and filled with maggots. He ate some and coated his feet in the rest then came in and jumped up. I REALLY needed a clean sofa.

    4. I don’t have a dog so I don’t know if this will work, but when cleaning up my hair that accumulates after I dry my hair, I take a sticky sheet from a lint roller and swipe it across the floor – or any other surface. Could this do the trick?

    5. We don’t have the dog issue, but use moist leather wipes (you can find them near the 409)! They work great for minor spills and general clean up…maybe a good wet/dry solution?

    7. I don’t know about cleaning, but for treating, I would add some salmon oil to your dog’s food to see if that helps with the flaking.

      1. We eat salmon weekly and she always gets a chunk in her bowl to help her skin. Straight oil is an even better idea.

  14. Hi gang — gift question! I have an amazing peer coworker in my organization who’s been an incredible support to me over the past two years. Our work environment has been especially bananas (big leadership issues) over the past 6 months and this colleague has been tremendous in terms of solidarity, good advice, etc. It’s looking as though he’s about to leave our organization shortly and I want to do something special for him as a going-away gift.

    I don’t want it to be booze-related if I can help it, although he does like good beer. He’s a fairly bookish history buff; in fact, his daughters got him the Lego version of the White House a few years ago and it was a HUGE hit — I’d love something clever like that for his new office. Our work life centers a lot around leadership issues, too, if that helps. Any good ideas for me?

    1. Maybe a complete set of the Lyndon B. Johnson biographies by Robert Caro (signed, if you can find them). He could display them in his office. It checks the bookish, history buff, and leadership issues boxes. Or, if you can’t do all of them (do you have a price range?) just one signed might be nice.

  15. who was asking yesterday about national meal delivery services. I used Personal Chef To Go for quite a while and liked it a lot. We stopped because they didn’t have enough gluten free options for me and the packaging (a big styrofoam box) was too much for our tiny apartment every week.

    The meals are packaged in single servings and can be microwaved or warmed in the oven. You can also get salads which I found fresh and yummy. The food’s pretty healthy and not too expensive. It’s delivered by FedEx on saturdays and can be left in the box until 10PM or something like that (comes packed in ice packs).

    http://personalcheftogo.com/getstarted.html and there’s 25% off gift cards with TAKE25 (today only). HTH and congrats!

  16. Question on brooks brothers shoes. I just got a new pair and the length feels right but I think they are too narrow. Would I be able to fix this by going up a half size or are they just not right for my feet?

  17. I was recently offered the chance to take on additional, interesting responsibilities (so excited!). Supervising subject-matter experts, a bigger team, engaging with lots more folks, more meaty and complex projects. My direct supervisor (who is new) understood that a change of level and some increase in compensation would come with this increase in responsibility. HR is now saying it doesn’t. Thoughts?

    1. Go back to your direct supervisor and have them go to bat for you. Pull out your current job description and outline which responsibilities are not included in it. Get out the one you should have and outline where it matches.

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