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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Draped Asymmetric Top

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A woman wearing a dark purple blouse, black pants, and a black belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

If you’re looking to liven up your collection of tops, H&M is a great source. This one has some draping that would be a great option if you like a higher neckline but still want something fun.

Style with your favorite trousers for a great business casual option. 

The top is $29.99 at H&M and comes in sizes XS-L. 

Sales of note for 4/24:

297 Comments

    1. I am SO SICK of cropped everything. At 5’8″ with a middle-aged body, anything short makes me look like I don’t know how to find clothes that fit. I cannot.

      2. I mean, you may have to change where you shop. I’m 50 and have no trouble finding adult clothes.

    2. I have a long torso (at 5’6″), so on me anything cropped looks absolutely ridiculous and reminds me of the 2000s. For shirts, I always go for tall sizes if available – my belly cannot be cold any more.

    4. I’m actually loving the shorter lengths because I’m short so they are normal on me.

      However I’m also big busted so this particular style would be tragic on me.

  2. Two skincare questions. I am 30, F.

    1) Do certain foods make you breakout? For example, some chocolate is perfectly fine but a certain brand’s choc chip cookie gave me pimples. This has happened twice, so avoiding now.

    2) How unusual is it that I use no skincare product other than washing my face and using sunscreen? I have tried moisturizers before (including Cerave) but they irritate my skin and/or break out. It looks better with just water. I feel like my husband, haha. I asked him if he uses moisturizer and he said, “well yeah, water moisturizes it.” Haha

    1. Whatever works for your skin, works. Is it dry? Water doesn’t exactly moisturize it but some skin does better with less.

    2. I’ve got rosacea so certain foods (red wine, sob) will trigger a rosacea pimple/flare. In terms of moisturizing, it depends on your skin type. Mine was so oily all through my 20s and 30s I didn’t need to moisturize either, I only do so now in my 40s, and tbh I barely need it in the AM. A nighttime moisturizer makes a big difference because that’s when I use actives and it helps keep the tret from being too irritating.

    3. 2) It probably depends on your skin type but I think it’s pretty unusual you don’t even moisturize, that’s the most basic step. But if you don’t care about your skin, then keep on keeping on I guess.

      1. This is obnoxious and unhelpful. The most important is sunscreen which OP is already doing

      2. So rude. I’m 40 and have never used moisturizer either and my skin looks great because I’m religious about sun protection. SPF is by far the most important thing.

        1. You bring up a good point that most sunscreens contain a basic moisturizer so it is kind of 2 for 1.

          i also had very oily acne prone skin and didn’t wear moisturizer until my 40s.

      3. That second sentence was rude.

        How old are you? I was blessed with skin that needed basically no more than gentle soap and water through my 30s, using a BB cream that had SPF 20 as my daily foundation. I definitely need to pay more attention to both (1) hydration – if I skimp on water it shows in my forehead – and (2) moisturizer as I’m aging.

        1. This is making my forehead feel dry reading it (said in a funny way, not a rude one!). I am not joking that I’m about to go put on more moisturizer right now. And I use Dove bar soap on my body, but literally every other one makes my skin feel parched. We are all so different; truly I can’t fathom not using moisturizer, I need it so much.

      4. This is an ignorant and dismissive take.

        OP, fwiw moisturizer is way too heavy for my skin (mid 40s, lifelong survivor of dry forced air heating in the upper Midwest). I wash with bar soap, pat dry, use mineral SPF most days and have great skin.

        1. This is making my forehead feel dry reading it (said in a funny way, not a rude one!). I am not joking that I’m about to go put on more moisturizer right now. And I use Dove bar soap on my body, but literally every other one makes my skin feel parched. We are all so different; truly I can’t fathom not using moisturizer, I need it so much.

          1. Agree; differences abound! About once a year, usually sometime in the deepest part of January, I will try facial moisturizer and have to rinse it off because it feels so thick and cloying.

            My hands, however, they like to be liberally slathered in thick, rich lotions most of the year.

      5. It definitely depends on your skin type and also your politeness level. Ride people need it, basically.

        Polite kind people with natural levels of moisture and goodness in their skin need less at age 30.

        But you know. You do you.

      6. I’m right there with OP and have perfect skin that many people ask me about. I’m in my 50s and use nothing more than micellar water to remove eye makeup. I’ve said it before, many people overprocess their face and bought into the skincare complex. It’s not necessary for lots of people.

        1. I am truly mystified by and envious of people like you. I am well into adulthood and still dealing with painful, persistent acne. It must be so nice and freeing to never have to think about your skin.

          1. I think acne is really different from dry skin. It can be viral, neurological, endocrine… way more complicated than nutrition and hydration and gentle skincare.

          2. I always say to my dermatologist/facialist – there are 2 types of people with great skin. Those who do almost nothing, and those who treat it like a crabby, pampered pet and cater to it’s every whim. I’m very, very jealous of people in the first category as I have hormonal acne, eczema, rosacea, and react badly to sooo many things. It’s been an uphill battle to get my skin to where it is today.

          3. Oh I realize I won the genetic lottery, just chiming in because I hate the narrative that everyone must use lots of stuff. If you need it, do it, but it’s hardly universal and it’s worth trying a less is more approach too (you never know until you try).

      7. I’m almost 49 and have never needed to use moisturizer regularly except sometimes in the dead of winter when the heat is on, or when I was using strong retinoids. Sunscreen is moisturizing, and I have somewhat oily skin. I assure you some of us do!

      8. I’m in my late 60s and until fairly recently I never bothered with anything other than the sunscreen that was in my foundation. Nowadays I just wash and use moisturizer with sunscreen and call it a day. I am convinced (and my derm agrees) that 90% of the battle is genetics.

    4. 1) Yes. There are weird additives in some foods, sometimes not even listed, so I chalk it up to a sensitivity to something that either I’m just sensitive to or that is only borderline edible in the first place.

      2) Just seems kind of healthy to me. Cerave breaks out my skin too (it’s not as hypoallergenic/sensitive skin friendly as it is supposed to be). I am fine with hyaluronic acid. But even if I skip it entirely for months my skin doesn’t get dry. Honestly the only times I’ve really needed moisturizer was when I had a health thing going on, either a nutritional deficiency or something else. I do use gentle cleanser though. I think in general there are product lines that have realized it’s possible to create a demand for moisturizer by ensuring their washing products are drying.

    5. I’m 33 and moisturizers make me break out too. I only use CeraVe in the shower where I know it’ll all get washed off.

    6. sunscreen is a mositurizer, no? i think if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. you’re very young enjoy it!

    8. I didn’t need to start daily moisturizer until after 2 kids in my mid 30s, otherwise it was just sunscreen and water washing. You gotta do what’s best for your skin. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.

    9. I feel like your skin gets used to a certain moisture level and trying to change that always involves some adjustment. It’s almost a sensory issue for me, I can’t focus if my hands or lips are dry. During winters in my 40s I realized my face skin was itchy and chafing so I started using heavier moisturizers – they would have broken me out before then. My mom, in her 70s, doesn’t use more than Dove soap.

      That’s probably another good point also – different soaps are more or less moisturizing or stripping. I’ve even heard bloggers talk about pH levels. If what you’re using now isn’t throwing off your levels you’re fine.

      My dirty skincare secret is I hate washing my face unless I’m in the shower so I only do it once every day or two. I have great skin.

    10. Have you tried something like a hyaluronic acid serum? Fewer inactive ingredients that might be contributing to irritation. But honestly if it ain’t broke you don’t need to fix it.

    11. I’m jealous that you don’t need to do much to your skin to make it look good! My sensitive, rosacea-prone skin requires lots of consistency and gentle ingredients to look halfway decent.

    12. Skin needs change over time and people have different skin to begn with (oily, combo, dry, overly sensitive, etc.) I’m 51 and only use moisturizer on nights after I’ve used an active or if I’ve been outside in winter and have any sort of windburn or have been an excessively dry environment (high heat in winter or time in the southwest). When I was in my 30s, I never needed it. Biggest skin changer for me was double washing. I use Ponds to loosen sunscreen and makeup followed by a face soap to clean. My skin has been clear and soft since doing that, and I wished I had known about it when I was younger. Acne can have a ton of causes from hormonal shifts to clogged pores. I suspect any acne in my 30s was largely not completely removing makeup when I thought I was.

    13. I’m in my early 60s and have had oily skin on my face since I was 13. I still get a pimple or two from time to time. Even though I live in a dry climate, I started needing facial moisturizer only in my late 50s, and only in the winter. Body lotion is another matter.

    14. I had oily skin most of my adult life and never used moisturizer unless something happened like wind chapping or a blemish. I like the Kiehl’s oil in the purple bottle. I keep it around and use it at night when my skin needs to heal up.

    15. We have very different skin, but I don’t think something being “unusual” about your routine as compared to others is a big deal. My skin is dry/dehydrated, so I end up using a fair number of barrier-building and moisturizing products, but if your skin doesn’t need them/reacts poorly, then I wouldn’t worry too much.

      The only caveat I may say is that if you’re worried about sensitivity/seeing if there’s a common denominator, it may be worth seeing a derm. I did this to figure out why I was flaky in my late 20s/early 30s, and that’s how I found good products to address those issues.

      Like others have said – everyone is different. Unusual doesn’t mean bad, if you are happy with how things are going.

    16. Dimethicone and silicone/trimethicone break some people out. I am one of them. Go back far enough in time and they weren’t in anything. Then they were in the cheap stuff. Now they are in nearly all moisturizers. It might be worth hunting for something to try that doesn’t have any ingredient ending in -cone. Six months ago I would have referred you to Juice Beauty products, but private equity ran it into the ground then ended it.

  3. I think it’s time to replace the black North Face soft shell jacket that I’ve been wearing for almost 20 years. It’s probably the most dated item in my closet but it’s served me so well! I’m looking for a jacket that’s medium weight and hip length to wear in the fall and spring. I’d mostly wear this for commuting but it doesn’t need to be super professional. Trying to stay around $150. Any suggestions?

    1. this made me laugh because i just said the same thing about my north face black zip fleece that is older than my son who is a college sophmore. But the truth is… why? is it really dated looking? i doubt it.

      1. Today I’m wearing a Patagonia fleece from 2014. I think? I know I bought it around the time my youngest was born. It doesn’t look much different from anything on the market now. I’m thankful that outerwear has a much longer shelf life than most clothing!

        1. I have a twisted spine, so that my left hip protrudes much more than the right one. I can work around it to buy most clothes, but am always beaten by winter jackets with zips. If it fits around the hips, it bulges around the chest. If it fits around the chest, I cannot start closing the zip. Does anyone know of a puffer jacket shaped like a fleece without a zipper? Or a jacket with the zipper closing starting at te neck!

          1. Look for coats with 2-way zippers – if you can fully zip the coat to put it on or take it off, but it’s just too uncomfortable to actually wear fully zipped, once it’s on you can pull the bottom zipper up.

    2. If it’s serving you well, I’d look for another NF soft shell replacement! Kuhl also may have something.

    3. At this point it’s vintage! Maybe? But really, why replace it if it’s still in good shape. It’s probably better quality than anything you’ll replace it with.

    4. the good news for you is it’s kind of back in style at this point, so just rock it?

      alternatively, something like this never really goes in or out of style-
      https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/504734?itemId=518111&attrValue_0=Darkest%20Gray&sku=1000136324&pla1=0&qs=3155265&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20291392747&gbraid=0AAAAADoqq1IWibuz7JRrU9_DChCkxbzZv&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIs5mx24O9kAMVll3_AR3YWy7kEAQYCSABEgLSj_D_BwE&SN=findability_search_preview_03&SS=A&SN2=findability_trending_searches_04&SS2=A&SN3=MobilePLA_03&SS3=B&noaa_region=northeast&originalProduct=127171

    5. I just got a used Barbour Beadnell on Ebay for about that price and love it. It is nylon and fleece lined. But maybe something like the Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go insulated trench would work for you if you want something sportier?

    7. Don’t get rid of it, though — the minute you do, it will become a hot trend! I have that jacket (the one every college woman had) and I’ll never give it up!

    8. I love these responses and now feel much better about continuing to wear this jacket (maybe even proud to be part of this club??). The two suggestions are also cute though so I may take a closer look at those. Thanks everyone!

      1. I didn’t read the responses before posting, but clearly you all are my people!

    10. I’m over here regretting donating mine a couple of years ago because I haven’t found a replacement I like as much, ha!

  4. I don’t understand why everyone is mad at Kristen Bell right now. She made a darkly humorous post on IG thanking her DH for not murdering her. People are upset because it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I agree the timing wasn’t ideal, but I don’t think she deserves this much backlash. Given everything that’s going on in the world right now, this is what people fixate on? Liberals, now is not the time to turn against each other.

    1. The great thing about not being this obsessively online is that you become aware that everyone really isn’t. Most of us have no idea what you’re talking about and just don’t care. The only thing that matters to me about Kristin Bell is whether this season of Nobody Wants This is finally going to get it through my Jewish coworkers head that he too yearns for a blonde girl, specifically me.

      3. See I don’t think I’m “obsessively online” but the original post made fine sense to me, even though I wasn’t previously aware of this dustup. On the other hand, I have no clue what *you* are talking about.

    2. Their whole relationship is cringe. She’s sooooo desperate for Dax’s approval and she constantly compromises her so called beliefs. The criticism is because she’s wealthy enough to leave that lemon but she’s a pick me.

      1. I personally think that Dax is a horrible human being and do not understand why she’s with him.

        1. I think they’re both intensely annoying and probably well-matched, but agree he’s worse.

    3. it has nothing to do with being liberal. it was an intensely weird post for anyone let a lone a celebrity. that said, she is an actress with a personal life. means nothing to me.

    4. I don’t think anyone outside of the online community is aware of anything to do with Kristen Bell. I chalk this up as a non-issue.

    6. First I’ve heard of it. I think this is one of those you’re spending too much time in certain online circles issues, not a problem with liberals.

      1. Meh, there were headlines about it on CNN. I don’t feel like you have to be Very Online to have seen this. I don’t really care, but I was aware of it and am not terminally online.

          1. I meant the CNN homepage. I don’t watch the network but I check CNN.com occasionally. Also saw it other places too, I don’t really think it was that hard to stumble upon.

    7. This sounds like a DW awareness joke, even if it landed poorly? Insensitive jokes that sometimes land very poorly is very nearly Kristen Bell’s shtick. But ragebait and picking a person of the day to pile on is pretty much social media’s shtick. So I’m not sure that there is any mystery here.

    8. I’ve decided that Kristen and Dax are just really, really weird people with no sense for what’s appropriate. I thought his original joke was in extremely poor taste. I can handle dark humor, but I honestly didn’t realize he was playing around.

    9. Agree with you. It was a weird thing to say but not worth ganging up on her about. Maybe if it had been funnier then it would have landed better? I wonder if she wrote it or a publicist did. My guess is she did because a publicist should have been funnier. Also, expect it wasn’t just liberals but conservatives also who just wanted an excuse to hate on her.

      1. She strikes me as someone who doesn’t listen to her publicist and then is SUPER surprised when something doesn’t land right. I’m sure most publicists spend most of their time saying, “I know you think it’s funny but you really should lay off the IG” but sometimes it’s worth listening to the professionals.

      1. Yeah… I feel like I learned generation that learned these lessons on livejournal and tumblr at the dawn of time, and I just don’t have it in me to engage in “discourse” as a full grown adult.

        Especially now that the bots of old are LLM empowered and nearly indistinguishable in brief interactions from real people, there’s just no meaning to any of it.

    11. They’re mad because when you are a celebrity at whatever level, when you post something publicly it has public effects. This was an inside joke that, when posted publicly, has different affects that suggest dismissiveness of domestic violence.

      It’s not worth the consternation, I don’t think. But that’s the explanation.

    12. It’s one of the topics that AI has latched onto, so if you see random posts about it on social media from strangers, I would caution you against falling prey to the outrage algorithm. A lot of that kind of stuff is “anger.” Always question if it’s from real people.

    15. This is the kind of weird inside joke you write in a funny card only to be read by your spouse. You don’t post it on the internets.

  5. Is this a gifting event?
    My parents’ friends’ daughter is engaged and the parents are hosting an engagement party in their home. The paper invitation states attire is cocktail. The wedding is a destination wedding with a small guest list, and I think this is the party for the in-town friends who won’t be invited to the wedding. DH and I have been invited to the cocktail party, as have my parents, but I do not expect that any of us will be invited to the wedding because no one is that close of friends.
    If it’s relevant, the host and hostess are wealthy kind of society people and we are in a large southern city.

    1. I would bring a small gift. And they may do a small wedding ceremony right then and there to get the legal part out of the way in front of a biggwr group. It was a thing in the southern city where I used to live.

    2. sample size of two such events, but we brought something small and pretty from the registry (since the couple already had one going) – like a $50 picture frame. We weren’t alone, but I’m not sure if all the guests brought something.

      1. Thank you! This comment made me think that I should have added that the engaged couple lives in a different city. So the couple is flying to the Bride’s home city for her parents to host this party.

        1. unless it’s cross-country, usually at some point either the couple or their parents does a driving trip to relocate the gifts from Hometown to their home.

          Ex- a lot of my extended family, as well as my in-laws, live in a metro area that’s a 10 hour drive from us. As such I had a shower there, flew in for it, and my in-laws drove to our wedding and brought all the physical stuff then.

    3. Yes, you bring a small gift. Silver picture frame, monogrammed letter opener, etc.

      1. I think you can spend a lot less than you would on a wedding present. I would go for something in the $50 range.

          1. I wish this weren’t true. And I’m afraid it is. Especially with this crowd where money is disposible. It’s not for DH and me, but it is for the generation of the parents.

          4. OP asked if it was a gifting event, not if southern socialites would judge her harshly if she spent “only” fifty bucks on a gift-grab.

          5. Then let people talk. You really don’t need to spend more than $50 on a gift when you weren’t even invited to the wedding. The whole thing is tacky AF to me. The couple shouldn’t expect gifts from people they don’t care enough to invite.

  6. There is a new fancy stand-alone building for Kindbody near me. I thought it was a yoga studio. Now I’m listening to a podcast about them and it looks like the pretty Theranos of fertility medicine. Is everything icky and not quite real these days?

    1. Yes—i feel like everything is a bit scammy right now. Im just retreating into my turtle shell and giving new things a hard pass for a while.

    2. I can tell you that Kindbody is very real – the company is hired by other companies to be a fertility provider for employer health plans. They are competitors with Maven and Progyny, with Progyny being the biggest player in this space.

        1. Progyny provides insurance. Amazing wonderful insurance. Kindbody operates C+ level clinics. Totally different.

          1. You can get a stand-alone insurance policy for infertility? I’m guessing for women (or can men get it with family coverage or just for their problems). IIRC, in DC all insurance has to cover this (I’m guessing: at least for women).

          2. IVF isn’t commonly included in health insurance policies. Many companies have it as a perk. That’s great that DC requires it. When I was on a federal govt health plan, I could get reimbursed for diagnosis but they would not cover IVF.

          3. I know in DC something are covered, but now that I think of it, there is a lot of what you need but maybe it’s not all covered. IDK. When I worked there and work starting pushing some egg-freezing thing, I realized it wasn’t all covered (like if you have cancer, it might be covered, but not otherwise) and I had a chill that if they were pushing this, the job might really be the sort that would steal every ounce of my fertile years out of me. It was never really played up as the sort of thing that a man would care about, even though I knew plenty of male co-workers who had issues (either them or their wife or unknown) with having babies. It felt like, to me, they were pushing it as a guarantee to get the life you want when really, all they can promise is to cover a procedure and not remotely cooperate with scheduling your work to fit into your life. I don’t work there any more.

          4. DC laws don’t apply to the federal government. For example, DC provides paid maternity leave via a tax on employers. You don’t qualify if you work for the federal government, since they don’t pay the tax.

            Regardless, federal employee health insurance is now required to provide fertility coverage (at least in some limited circumstances). And has its own paid parental leave.

          5. I wonder how the insurance for something like that works, mathematically. If you sign up, is it way pre-need? Otherwise, I would think that there is no way it would be anything but also astronomically expensive. [And I’m older and female, so out of this market for good; I can see how maybe a dude wants it in case wife #3 struggles when he is also older.]

        2. What? Why? Maven paid for a full round of egg freezing for me. Pretty awesome perk, because my other rounds of IVF resulted in me paying over $100K out of pocket.

          Just because you didn’t have fertility challenges or IVF is covered by insurance in your state, doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone.

          I’m privileged to be a high earner, but 100K was A LOT OF money even for me. Imagine fitting that into a “regular” budget.

          Maven was a godsend.

        3. That doesn’t make sense. sAre you a Catholic who doesn’t want people to do IVF, or do you just prefer that it be super expensive for some reason?

    3. I think this is at least partly just a fertility medicine thing. My experience was that there was a lot more interest in getting me to try IVF than in diagnosing the underlying cause of my fertility, and I was going to a university research hospital. Women’s health is under-researched and low priority, but babies are $.

        1. How did you want them to prioritize your quality of life?! It’s medical treatment if you don’t want it don’t get it

          1. I wanted medical treatment for a condition affecting my quality of life and also causing infertility. I wanted to attempt TTC once my endocrine symptoms were under better control.

            Instead the message was that if I wasn’t ready for TTC I should be on BC (an intervention that dramatically worsened my symptoms) or should pursue fertility interventions with their own bad side effects.

            So there was zero interest in helping me improve fertility by improving my health, just controlling it and intervening in ways that would make me personally suffer more.

            If these goofy companies with millennial branding treat women better than academic medicine does, good for them.

          2. I mean, medical providers provide medical intervention. They told you what the medical interventions are. You do not need a doctor to tell you what the PCOS-friendly diet and lifestyle is. It’s very easy to figure it out, and it’s on you to do it.

          3. I am guessing she just wanted metformin and they wanted to sell her IVF instead.

      2. Women’s medicine is just miserable. My GYN said her training is typical: at a hospital that deals with a mostly-Medicaid population, so very young and poor and pregnant (for the OB portion), barely any women >40, so no actual experience in peri and post-menopause (so she said I (50+) know as much as she does (35ish, but an actual doctor), plus I have lived experience, which is terrifying to me because my training is an AP bio class and google).

        I had a miscarriage and after the US reading, had to go right back out the waiting room surrounded by happy pregnant people. So if Kindbody has a fix for that situation, that’s at least an improvement, but it’s hard to note that on the glossy brochures. Dealing with the unhappy is far more work and likely less lucrative than handling the unhappy.

      3. Fetility medicine (and now menopause) seem to be a ‘growth area’ (ugh) for PE firms. I hate that, but on the other hand at least they’re bringing attention to the space? I had to go to a fertility practice to get my PCOS diagnosed as 3 separate ObGyns ‘weren’t sure I really had it’ as I was normal weight with only slightly more hair than normal. It took 1 ultrasound by the fertility doc to diagnose me who was promptly like, ‘wtf is wrong with your other docs?!?’

      4. That’s because they often can’t diagnose infertility. It isn’t that it is not being studied or that they don’t care. It’s that it doesn’t make sense to spend 5 years running tests when they know they may never find an answer instead of getting you pregnant. IVF itself also is diagnostic, it tells them a lot about what your problems might be. When you have cancer is your priority treating it or doing a forensic dive into why you have it?

        This is a major conservative talking point and I think we need to be careful about buying into it.

        1. I guess since the clock is ticking for women likely confronting this, you have all of the time to discover why (and why may matter for your daughters or siblings). But the time to get pregnant is often now and not a year or two later, if possible. Which is deeply unsatisfying to me. My mother died of a cancer that she had no risk factors for and for me, part of processing that is doing a deep dive into why (so I’ve gone back to school as a working adult; I don’t think I will solve cancer or anything, but have a better understanding of our human condition and how things go wrong in cell replication and how it can vary by organ, etc.). Ain’t no woman in her 30s got time for that AND it may not solve the goal of having a child.

          1. Sadly, for most of the serious cancers, we are at the mercy of our complex genetics and random bad luck. It is very unsatisfying to hear, but searching for answers and confusion over lack of risk factors can cause a lot of suffering.

            But I understand your motivation.

        2. They don’t care. Why is there so little interest in the women whose infertility resolves when they start IVIG for non-endocrine conditions? There’s research on infertility as an autoimmune complication, but it never seems to translate to diagnostics or an indication for treatment. You can easily look up how little research money is spent on autoimmune conditions that predominantly affect women.

          The focus on women as babymakers and not on people who deserve good healthcare is itself conservative.

          1. I agree that more research should be done on conditions that affect women.

            But for the vast majority of people, by the time they are visiting a fertility clinic, they are focused on getting pregnant and don’t wanna waste time investigating the cause of the infertility.

          2. I feel like also, sometimes you never know why. Especially for secondary infertility. It’s like cancer — you get lung cancer but you smoked, your mind draws a straight line. But I have a friend with lung cancer who never smoked and never went to smoky bars even because she doesn’t drink. The mind spirals when it can’t draw a straight line sometimes.

          3. If more research were done on conditions that affect women, and if insurance coverage were better, there’d be less need for infertility clinics. I want to see providers whose interests are aligned with mine, not people who make more money if I don’t get help.

        3. +1. I know that some people experience real personal medical consequences from issues that cause infertility, but I was not one of them. Going through the IVF process actually explained a lot about what was not going right in my body (it didn’t lead to an actual diagnosis, but it made the specific problems much more clear than just “not getting pregnant”). But I didn’t need or want a diagnosis for why X and Y were happening because they were not bothering me until I wanted to have a baby and they prevented it. Now that I have, I’m not really interested in revisiting or solving them; that would mean spending a lot of time in doctor’s offices for something that doesn’t impact my quality of life (plus, I don’t want to have more babies, so I’m actually perfectly fine with the situation now).

    4. Private equity and techbros pushing AI-everything are making everything icky and not quite real. It’s especially galling when they venture into healthcare, because they see an opportunity to extract cash out of a small part of a bigger system. Fertility, like dentistry, is rife with PE-backed companies because it is frequently a cash business. Even Progyny – a third-party benefits management company who subcontracts fertility coverage for larger insurance companies – is PE-backed.

  7. How do you know if you’re being too picky when hiring a new team member? I have an open position on my team that has generated a decent number of applications, but not many that stood out or were impressive. (I have a committee evaluating applications with me, so I feel confident in saying that it wasn’t just my impression!) We found a few strong-enough candidates to interview, and I’m still having doubts. I hate to say it, but I’ve learned the hard way that skills only go so far and that culture fit and personality have a big impact on work quality in the long run. I’ve also learned that there are certain personalities that I will struggle to manage effectively. Part of me thinks maybe my standards are just too high. The good and bad news is that I haven’t had to hire many people, so my confidence is somewhat lacking (though I believe I have decent instincts and usually live to regret it when I don’t follow them).

    1. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting to wait for an employee you click with. IME, that doesn’t change – awkward coworkers stay awkward coworkers, etc. But if you haven’t had enough candidates in this job market, the salary’s not high enough.

        1. Then, frankly, you need to upskill as a manager and *learn* how to manage people with different personalities more effectively! You mention that you haven’t had to hire too many people, so it’s totally normal that early on, you find it easier to manage people you click with, who probably approach work and communication the same way as you do – you can just imagine “what do my managers do well that worked managing me” and do the same thing. But managing people who are very different than you is a genuine skillset and one you can develop.

          I’m not sure what that will look like for you, but I’ve often seen new managers struggle to exercise their authority – to known when & be comfortable saying “I hear you; we’re doing X; this item isn’t up for discussion”. And it feels awkward, because when they were junior staff raising an issue, it was thoughtful, they only spoke up about items they had real insight into, and they actually listened to whatever explanation was given – so a good boss *should* listen carefully and take their input seriously. But when you’re the manager, you suddenly need to know not just how to listen with humility to your most thoughtful junior staff; but also how to get Chad back to work, because neither of you have time to go through his 50-page manifesto of everything leadership should be doing differently.

          1. This hit a bit too hard:

            neither of you have time to go through his 50-page manifesto of everything leadership should be doing differently

            So true tho

        2. It depends on the field, but is there a reason why you can’t grow someone with potential into the role if you’re not paying enough for your ideal candidate?

      2. I’ve had quite a few candidates. I just don’t think they’re particularly strong candidates!

    2. either you’re not paying enough for the job you really want which is why the candidates don’t seem to be meeting your requirements or you’re being unrealistic in your search. This is an anonymous forum and all but the idea that you can only manage certain personalities effectively says a lot more about you than the people you are interviewing. Unless you are living in a yurt for months on end with these people i don’t think personality should be a significant factor and you should probably think about getting some real HR training. The stuff you’re saying is exactly why DEI is so important.

    3. I have never found it hard to find people who are nice enough. They’re employees, I’m not looking for a BFF. The struggle for me has always been finding technical competence.

    5. I don’t want to be uncharitable towards people who are sincerely asking for advice, so please take this in the literal way I mean it.

      One very reasonable interpretation of what’s going on is that you run a clique. You have a narrow idea of who good team members are, which is people who fit into the existing clique. Your committee likely has the same biases.

      If that isn’t what’s going on – ex., you’re in sales and extroversion is important – then rewrite your job description. It could sound too low-level to attract the people you want to attract (ie the superstars are going to look for jobs that stretch them and yours appears to be a level down). Maybe it doesn’t explicitly state which qualifications are mandatory and which are preferred. Maybe the process to apply is too onerous, and the only people who have time to manually retype their resume are those in easy jobs or who aren’t currently employed.

    6. Curious what kinds of personalities you struggle to manage effectively. Is it traits that just make for bad employees (crabby, arrogant, etc.)? Or is it more like “I don’t communicate well with introverts?”

      1. People who need to be micromanaged, because otherwise they can’t get anything done at all, are not employees I want on my team. Also, they need to at least pretend to care about interacting with others.

        1. Genuine question: what personality trait that you observe in an interview signals to you that they need to be micromanaged?

          1. It’s not in the interview! It’s what becomes more obvious once they’re on a team.

    7. A couple possibilities
      1- If you think the salary is too low (for the kind of person you want), you are probably right. This is a very employer-friendly market.
      2- But also, there is more noise in the market than even just a few years ago – the ratio of good applicants to AI-generated crazy applications is pretty low. With a higher salary, you can get more *good* applicants but you will also get EVEN MORE totally unqualified applicants; sorting through that is just part of hiring right now.
      3- Hiring on “clicks with me personally” is a direct path to bias. Can you think through what elements of “personality” are work-relevant and try to put some more descriptions on it – like, is what you really need “someone who doesn’t get discouraged when >50% of our projects fail, because that’s normal in our industry” or “someone who can patiently explain technical concepts to the public without feeling condescending” or “someone who is okay slogging away against a lot of bureaucracy”
      4- After 3, find a way to put that in the job description. Get a couple friends/past colleagues to read your JD and tell you what kind of a person would apply to it. Don’t try to make it sound like “best job ever!” and don’t hide the downsides – this should help your candidates match themselves better on the soft skills you’re looking for.
      5- Everyone who leads teams would have an easier job if they could hire the top 10% of experienced talent. If your company isn’t the kind that pays to attract and retain that 10%, your job is literally to hire, retain and manage well “okay but not great” people. Or hire new grads and train them well. And then hire more new grads when the best ones move on to greener pastures. There is no hiring process that is going to let a manager at a C company hire only A people – so let yourself stop struggling to get there, and focus your energy on running a great C team.

      1. Agreed with this. As a manager and someone invovled n hiring, I’m not interested in someone who fits into a personality box. However, we are customer-facing and are in a niche area where we interact with officials outside the org regualrly, so there are certain qualities we look for (that can be found in a wide trange of personalities).

        I think there’s a big difference between “I like this person a lot on a personal level” (which I don’t screen for), and “this person has a good presence and isn’t generally off-putting” (which I do). We have an office full of different personalities and they’re all valuable. When we’ve made changes based on personality after hire, it’s been because they interviewed well but have issues with things like social norms/aren’t effective in the role because of social struggles (like the above extroversion in sales example).

        Because we’re a smaller org, we end up hiring more junior folks and training them well – which is more work for me as a manager, potentially. The other side of that coin is that we end up with folks who, when they get a bit more senior, are absolutely great (and we compensate them accordingly).

    8. Are you passing up candidates who could, with an amount of effort that is acceptable (not perfect, acceptable) to you, do the job well enough at the salary you are offering, hoping that someone even better will come along, and that person is not coming along quickly enough for your organization’s needs? If yes, you are being too picky.

      You should not hire someone who cannot do the job adequately even with all resources/time thrown at them.

      It is also worth considering whether you are looking for a personality fit due to your management preferences/abilities, or because a certain set of traits and soft-skills are necessary for success in the job. If someone needs to be business-minded, confident, comfortable with risk and ambiguity, and a self-starter to succeed in the role, look for that. But be you might need to be more open minded or creative about how you suss out those characteristics in an interview. If you are eliminating candidates who you think have the right soft-skill set to succeed in the job because you feel they will be more difficult for you, personally, to manage, I’d suggest focusing on building your skills. You can control that more than you can control the applicant pool, and it will be good for you in the long term.

    9. Kindly, I think if you’re ruling out multiple qualified candidates each hiring cycle for personality issues, it’s worth doing a little introspection. Two points:

      First, you need to be able to work with lots of different types of people. It’s one of your big prerogatives as a manager. It will make your team stronger and it’s only fair to candidates.

      Second, you can’t really know what people’s “personality” is from just reading their application and interviewing. You’ve barely met them! This is why I think a lot of “fit” and personality issues boil down to “they don’t seem cool” or “I don’t think I’d want to be friends with them.” Those feelings are fine, but they need to live separately from hiring decisions.

    10. Maybe all the candidates aren’t that great for this specific role and organization. So many people here assume it’s her approach that’s wrong.

      I was never super picky in hiring, but I don’t think you should hire people you aren’t confident in. Sure, a super experienced manager could make it work with a so-so hire, but maybe that’s not your strength. Maybe you want higher odds of success and less work. Accept yourself and your needs too, right?

      1. It’s not that her needs (the “Am I experienced enough/a good enough manager to get the job done with staff that need more coaching and ‘micromanaging’ than I prefer”) aren’t important; it’s that they *might* not be meet-able. So much of this is position-specific, so I don’t have the details to tell for this specific case, but sometimes people get caught in a “How do I get a fantastic hire for mediocre pay? I can’t actually pay more, so I just need to change something about my recruiting process, or post on a different job board, or ask different interview questions to find them…”. And in truth, that’s just not an achievable goal. It would be like saying: “None of the store brands quite fit my waist and my hips right in standard sizes, so I’m looking for recommendation of a tailor who can make me some work pants. Prefer natural fibers, must be lined. Budget: $50. Any recommendations?”. It’s just not going to happen; and you’re wasting your time trying to make it happen.

        We don’t have enough details about OP’s industry, the job and the pay to know for sure whether the pay and role are totally misaligned, or just a little. But if you’ve spoken to several candidates without finding one you are confident in, and you think the pay is too low but you can’t change it, it’s a reasonable time to start asking “if I can’t get what I want on my budget, what other options are there?”. Being understaffed makes a manager’s job harder too.

    11. Hiring on “culture” and “fit” over skills and competence means you end up hiring people exactly like you and in some cases, that means perpetuating discrimination. Maybe get better at managing if you’re only able to manage people exactly like you.

  8. I’m searching for a classic navy blue sweater, preferably cotton or a cotton blend. BR has an amazing cotton-silk fabric, but the sweater length is only 22 inches, which is going to be way too short for my liking! I think JCrew has a similar problem right now.

    Any other ideas? LLBean runs short in the arms unless I can find one of their rare tall sizes. Lands End’s options lack in styling.

    1. maybe talbots? their stuff tends to be traditional. Brooks? Also check quince, they have a lot of different styles of sweaters.

      1. Agree that Talbots is a good option for a classic cotton cardigan: https://www.talbots.com/charming-cardigan/P241121157.html?cgid=apparel-sweaters-cardigans-and-jackets&dwvar_P241121157_color=LAKESIDE%20BLUE&dwvar_P241121157_sizeType=MS
        OP, I agree that J.Crew makes EVERYTHING too cropped right now and it’s driving me nuts. You can even see in the picture how cropped it looks on the model. It barely hits a few inches below her natural waistline: https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/sweaters/cardigan/new-jackie-cardigan-in-premium-ultra-fine-cotton-blend/CJ755?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=dark-evening&colorProductCode=CJ755

        1. Note that the Talbots cardigan is only 52% cotton. Talbots has sadly moved aways from “100%” of most natural fiber items.

    2. BR and JC have Talls. Not for everything, but maybe there are a few for sweaters. Other Stories can run tall since it’s Swedish. I order it often for my tall daughter. And somethings Uniqlo, which I wouldn’t have expected.

    3. If you like cable-knit, there’s a nice 100% cotton crewneck at Eddie Bauer that’s 24″. If your budget is higher, look at La Ligne and State of Cotton.

    4. I recently bought the J Crew Factory Teddie sweater. It’s cotton and runs long, unlike most of their stuff. It shrunk up when I put it in the dryer, but you could try line drying.

    7. I snagged a “snowflake” sweater from Levis for just $25 and I’m very pleased with the quality. It’s 100% cotton. You could also look at Dockers, which is owned by Levis.

  9. Seeking breakfast smoothie blender suggestions. Anyone have a really solid unit they like that has individual-sized blender cups, or is otherwise very easy to clean? We have a separate full size blender, but it has a zillion parts and takes up half the dishwasher every time we use it.

    We have a Ninja auto-IQ Pro and loved it until it started bellowing out smoke from the motor unit earlier this week. I called Ninja customer service and unfortunately for us it is just beyond the warranty period. They confirmed they do not stand behind their products once that warranty is up. I am willing to spend on something that lasts, but am not interested in re-buying yearly to keep from catching my kitchen on fire.

    1. my teenager loves smoothie and we have attempted to find one of the little ones that you just invert the cups that work but imo none of them are really strong enough to crush ice. you need a real free standing blender. i’m not sure why your’s has a zillion parts. 3 is i think basic (pitcher, top, blender thing on the bottom) and it all goes in the machine or is easy enough to wash by hands.

      1. There is a lid with several parts that have to be taken apart to properly clean, there is a blade unit with multiple parts and crevices everywhere so you have to dismantle it to wash it, there is inevitably a spatula because the 12 ounces worth of blended banana, milk, and protein powder is splattered all over the sides and only about 2 ounces pours out, and there is the blender pitcher itself, which only fits in one spot in my dishwasher. And we typically don’t blend ice, so I’m really seeking the thing I said I was, not looking for someone to tell me why I’m wrong. But thanks, hope you have great Friday.

        1. maybe a less-fancy blender would be better for you since you’re not blending anything that seems difficult? We have a small Hamilton Beach and it’s just three parts to wash (blade, pitcher, lid).

          1. Thanks! I did not think small kitchen appliance preferences would generate judgment. Happy weekend to you, too!

          2. OP, the poster was just pointing out that not all blenders are the giant PITA that yours seems to be… In this case cheaper may be better for your use case.

    2. I use the latest Nutribullet Pro that Costco sells. Check the warranty and expect to replace it eventually. My last Nutribullet was inferior to the one I just bought and lasted 5+ years (the motor is actually still totally fine, but it’s gotten harder to source replacement parts so I finally upgraded). I put a whole ice tray in every smoothie for years (along with yogurt and frozen fruit and liquids; it’s not an ice crusher, but it can absolutely blend ice into a smoothie no problem).

      1. I have that one too, also bought to replace a cheaper Nutribullet. The pro is great and sturdy.

    3. Vitamix is what we use. It is so much better than any other blender, I just upgraded and the individual cups are in constant rotation at our place.

      1. Do you know which model you have? My parents have an ancient model that is a beast; I didn’t realize they made individual cups. That might be exactly what we need!

        1. It is years old and was substantially discounted at Costco. It would be the entry level “Explorian” one with cup adapters. The adapters don’t have crevices and can be easily rinsed and have small footprint for the dishwasher.

    4. My Nutribullet has held up fine with daily use for well over year, and I do put in crushed ice. The cup is dishwasher safe, and I just rinse the base part. (It may also be dishwasher safe; I can’t remember).

      1. I’ve put my base part in the dishwasher for years so I guess it is probably dishwasher safe? I didn’t really investigate before trying. I figured that if it can’t survive that, then it’s not meant for me.

    5. Off the wall suggestion: buy a small, high quality food processor. It’s the perfect size for smoothies and they come out well enough. My 15 year old Ninja food processor is still going strong. It holds about 2 cups of liquid. It has three parts that need washing: the body (that’s ridiculously easy to get smoothies out of), lid, blade. It’s small, so it fits into the dishwasher and doesn’t take up a lot of space.

    6. I have a Beast blender that I like! I only use it to make single serving smoothies so it sounds like it would work for your purposes. I don’t blend ice in it, but it works well for frozen fruit and liquid. I put the vessel, blade and lid in the dishwasher without any issues.

      1. Cosign the Beast. We make two single-serving smoothies in it every day, with lots of frozen fruit (TBH, we probably overload it), and put all dirty parts in the dishwasher (including the blade, though I think you’re technically not supposed to do that). Nice and small, too.

    7. My Vitamix blender pitcher does not come apart–you just blend soapy water in it to clean the whole thing. It is the only blender I’ve ever had that will actually make a smoothie smooth and didn’t die within a year.

    8. my ninja has the large blender, the individual-sized blender cups and the food processor part; it’s been working fine since we got it for Christmas in 2017 so I wouldn’t dismiss ninja completely!

      1. As much as I loved Ninja in the past, the quality has gone downhill. It’s literally belching out smoke a year after we bought it and we only blend soft things like yogurt and fresh fruit. I’m not willing to make another disposable purchase from them.

  10. I want to start exploring snowbird locations. The goal would be to own a condo where I could spend parts of the year. I live in the Midwest and hate winter.

    My mother lives in Florida and normally that would have been a no brainer, but the insurance crisis and condo crisis make buying seem like a bad idea. A coworker mentioned closing on a condo in Scottsdale, and that got me thinking.

    I want warm weather, and a peaceful area with condo options. Any recommendations or tips?

    1. Have you been to AZ? The sun and dryness are beautiful (and startling at first if you are used to trees and humidity). I love it, but it can be far if you have any eldercare demands. Florida is great (and also Florida). I feel like the condo crisis is a high-rise by-the-water thing and you can live plenty of other places. I love Ocala — it’s horse country nearish to Gainesville. “Patio homes” might be what to look for, especially if there is a HOA to keep out AirBNBs and do the yardwork and keep an eye on things (I hate HOAs in theory but would want them in a place I want to just lock and leave for periods).

      1. I love deserts. I’ve enjoyed Phoenix/Scottsdale and Palm Springs.

        I would rent in Florida, not own. I appreciate the community recommendations though!

    2. is there a reason you want to buy? my parents looked into it and decided that all things considered, it was easier to just do 3-4 month rental apartments each year. they were very happy with that decision when the hurricanes hit the FL Gulf over the last few years and they could simply rent on the east coast instead.

      2. I agree with this and cannot emphasize enough how hard it is to own a home many states away. It’s a completely different ballgame than a vacation home a few hours away that you can drive up to for the weekend regularly.

        My mother inherited a house in a beautiful destination halfway across the country. The house was lovely and historic and had lots of happy family memories, and the land was invaluable (in the sense that no one in our family will ever be able to buy oceanfront property in that area again because the cost has gone up so much). But maintaining it from a distance was an absolute nightmare. They had big problems when they left it unoccupied over the winter and finding a year-round tenant in that area required cutting the rent so low that it wasn’t even covering the property taxes on the place. She and her siblings ended up selling it and I totally understand why.

        1. Alternatively, factor in the cost of some kind of property manager or person who checks in regularly on the house. My parents hired a local handy man who goes to the house about every 2 weeks to make sure everything is fine. They also installed things like water alarms. When something needs to be fixed, this guy does it.
          I think a condo option is easier to own remotely than a house. But it’s probably still a good idea to have someone who goes inside with some frequency.

          1. They did have a guy who did that kind of stuff but it was a significant cost and he called them to discuss everything that needed to be done so it was still a pretty big investment of their time.
            Fair point that a condo is easier than a house, but I would personally never put myself in this situation when I could just rent.

      4. Short term, I’m going to rent to get a real feel for the area I pick.

        Long term, I want to buy and transition to living there full time.

        1. have you spent significant time in these states in summer? it is miserable. Eye-melting heat, the Gulf isn’t even refreshing since it’s almost as warm as the air, etc.

          1. I have actually! I love heat, but I am not typical. I enjoyed Arizona in July and l’ve done multiple Disney World trips in July and August.

    3. Keeping my opinions about Florida to myself…

      If you go to Arizona, watch out for wildfires and the water table. Scottsdale doesn’t have the same problems that plague the state further south, but still.

      To be close to your mother, why not consider the Gulf Coast? Alabama and Mississippi have some lovely coastal communities.

      1. I should probably visit those states to see how they feel. Any particular communities to explore?

      2. I also have Opinions about Florida but I don’t think Alabama and MS are any better, are they? My husband is from MS and the only advantage I can imagine is that real estate is probably cheaper. It is weirdly expensive to fly to as well.

        1. I have been doing a lot of work in MS over the past year and I would never, ever live there. It is the most insular, backwards place I have ever been in the US, and that is saying a lot. And yes it’s super expensive and inconvenient to fly to.

    4. Palm Springs (at least for CA) has some reasonable-ish real estate, but I’d think about New Mexico or the Tucson area.

    5. Other than it being part of TX, San Antonio is lovely! One of my favorite places I’ve lived.

    6. You might like to consider Santa Fe or Taos in New Mexico, or Fairhope in Alabama. Good luck!

  11. My favorite cashmere sweater of 15 years got holes in it at the dry cleaner. The department store that made it is no longer around. Recs for cashmere sweaters? Just looking for a basic crew neck but I’d like it to last.

    1. This, for me, would be the perfect time for eBay/Poshmark – you never know, the same exact sweater may be available!

      1. But be sure to check its measurements. Dry cleaning can shrink sweaters easily. But yes, it’s a great resource to find “out of print” clothing.

    2. Depending on how bad the holes are, maybe it can be repaired? My mom has taken several garments with moth holes to a reweaver who does beautiful work, and the holes are not noticeable afterward.

      1. If anyone has recommendations for a reweaver that they have used, please share. The woman who did wonderful work for me has retired.

        2. My MIL lives in Dallas. She uses Reweave Shoppe on Royal Lane. It doesn’t look like the woman has a website, but there is a Facebook page if you G00gle. Maybe she accepts people sending things to her.

      2. I am a knitter and have done this myself many times. The hardest part is finding thread or yarn in an appropriate weight (i.e., thickness) and color. Sometimes even sewing thread or wooly nylon is close enough. You just duplicate stitch over the hole, secure and weave in the ends, and it’s good to go.

        Heavily cabled fabric or lacy patterns are harder to match exactly, but that also means the repair is less obvious because the busy texture hides it.

    3. Cashmere snob here:
      – boden
      – brooks brothers
      – bloomingdale’s
      – jcrew (but some of their weaves are too fuzzy now, so they don’t wear well long term).
      – land’s end

      Do not recommend Nordstrom’s house brand or quince.

    5. I stalk upscale mall brand older seasons’ versions from Poshmark. My favorite is a 10 year old J Crew version.

    7. NYT’s Wirecutter recommends the Naadam crewneck. Haven’t tried this sweater, but I usually like their recommended products.

      1. I got a cashmere sweater from Naadam for my brother a couple years ago. Very nice.

  12. Watching the replay of a Congressional hearing and noticing what the witnesses testifying wore:

    PE guy: suit, open collar (no tie) (I can’t see under the table, but do we want to take bets on loafers no socks?)
    Private industry: loud checked blazer with loud paisley tie
    State agency: navy suit
    Former fed agency in another admin – the only woman, in her 60s: messy ponytail and a cotton turtleneck like you’d get at Lands’ End

    I’m guessing “Congress is in disarray, we shall be, too” was the sartorial theme of this hearing. Sometimes I really am inspired by what the female witnesses wear!

    1. I follow Royal Fashion something or other because it features adults in suits or business attire. And sometimes lovely gowns and tiaras (Sweden during Nobel season is amazing for good fashion). It feels so much better than what I see.

    2. PE guy is likely wearing snarky trouser socks with those dress shoes Gronk shills.

  13. maybe a weird question: has anyone who used to love vnecks moved away from them as they’ve gotten older? i have big boobs and a short neck so i’ve always hated crew necks, but as i get older it feels like i should start moving towards higher necked things. my skin on my chest and neck are still ok but it just feels too young for me somehow? i’m 50.

    1. I’m in my mid-40s and I kind of have but it’s actually because it seemed like crew necklines are a little more current and my constant V necks were aging me a little? I still wear them sometimes but I’m switching it up more often.

      2. This. I used to love v-necks but they seem outdated now so I switched to crewnecks.

      3. Same here. V-necks used to be my go-to, but all of a sudden they’re looking kind of frumpy to me so I’m going round/crew/boat.

    2. I have been favoring v-necks for a long time and continue to do so because I feel like most other necklines shorten the appearance of my neck and create a more horizontal line. I am short and need all the verticality! I have a big gripe about how difficult it is to find quality v-neck sweaters, tees and tops. I am not moving to a mock neck (awful), a crewneck (about as flattering as a men’s cut tee) nor a ballet neck (a straight horizontal line and shows my bra straps to boot).

    3. I’ve never seen a v neck sweater I didn’t want to have, but I’ve moved away from them because they don’t feel as current to me. (And I already have so many.) I don’t think they necessarily read young, though. Like you, I hate crew necks. Scoop necks seem to be in, which I’m thrilled by because they’re very flattering on me and don’t seem to come around that often. You might also try boat necks!

    4. interesting! i guess a plain V-neck sweater is kind of less popular now. I’m seeing them styled with white crewneck t-shirts — or else I’m seeing a lot of V-neck cardigans worn buttoned up with nothing beneath (and a pretty low stance!) so that might be the more modern option.

  14. Would you tip movers (cash) if they’re moving two large, heavy, unwieldy pieces of furniture from the second floor to the garage? Their cost is $225 minimum for 2 hours.

        1. I’d tip $20 each and offer a bottle of water. I tend to overtip because work like that is literally backbreaking.

          1. It will probably take them less than 1/2 an hour I bet, but the OP has to pay for 2 hrs minimum.

            I would tip based on the amount of time they actually work. Likely on $10 at most.

    2. If they are employees of a larger company, yes. If the movers themselves are the company, then no.

  15. What would you do?

    For years I had my dream job, Job A. Loved it, loved the people, loved the mission. The pay became unsustainable after I had a baby though, and the commute was lengthy and the hours very inflexible.
    I have worked at Job B for the last 3 years and I make nearly twice as much money as I would have at Job A, plus I’m remote. For context, I make about 220k at Job B, and would make about 80 at A. MCOL suburb in NE US. Husband makes about 130k.
    Family of 5, 3 kids in daycare. Job A is literally not possible financially right now, but I still feel drawn to it. Job B is fine but I don’t love it like I loved Job A and although the flexibility is great for family life, it is lonely. Job B is much less stressful and I work a lot less. Objectively it’s a LOT better on paper, but I have this nagging sense I just can’t see myself in this career forever, while I’d love to spend 20 years at Job A.
    Would it be crazy to consider going back to Job A once the kids are out of daycare in 3 years?
    I’d be giving up a ton of flexibility and a ton of money (unlimited income potential at job B, capped around 170k at job A), but I loved the work and am very good at it.

    1. 3 kids in daycare is probably about $6k per month, right? Once they’re in school (if public), even assuming they have expensive activities, that’s about $40k a year you aren’t spending. So you’d need about $180k to maintain your current lifestyle ($220-$40). I’m a bit confused because you say you would make $80k at A, but capped at $170k. That’s a huge range. The higher end of the range sounds do-able.

      My husband makes $90k and wants to quit his current line of work for his passion work once our 2 kids are in elementary school. We’ve started saving aggressively so that we can supplement for a few years while he ramps up in his passion area, which pays closer to $40k per year. I feel a lot of pressure to be the breadwinner, and we’ve discussed that I’ll need to lean in at work and make more, and he’ll need to pick up more family responsibilities currently allocated to me if he moves into this other line of work. How will family responsibilities shift for you if you’re available less often?

      1. Yes, sorry if that was confusing. Job A is an org of about 75 people. The top 5 or so people are at that top range. I would be sub-100k for at least 5ish years, unless and until I reach that exec level when there are very substantial pay raises. The vast majority of people at the org are making 70-120k.

        1. Gotcha. Loving the work and feeling pride in it are their own rewards with great personal value. But there’s still a price for raising a family. I’d suggest using the next two months tracking literally every expense, track your large yearly expenses, and then decide if you’re willing to make less money. Plenty of families do well on $200-250k HHI, which is what you’ll be considering for a few years, but retirement, vacation, household maintenance and improvements, etc. certainly won’t look the same. I’d personally trade vacations or an updated kitchen for meaningful work, but I wouldn’t trade most of my retirement for it.

          Is job A one you could pivot back to once a kid or two has gone off to college? Alternatively, is Job B a job you could come back to once your kids are in highschool?

    2. Job C that is like Job A, but pays better like Job B.

      Job A is a fantasy–figure out what called you about that job, and figure out whether you can get it in another job or in another part of your life (volunteering, etc.). You have family responsibilities now. Just because daycare costs lessen, you need to beef up 529 savings, pay for extracurriculars, etc. Kids change the whole financial equation. That extra 140K a year is not skimping on a few lattes–it affects where you shop, how you vacation, whether your family has a cushion, etc. It’s way bigger than you think.

      I recommend you read The Good Enough Job by Simone Stolzoff. It was really helpful for me to reframe my relationship with work.

    3. Not crazy, but make sure you are not unrealistically romanticizing what Job A was during the time you were there. The mission may not change, but the people will and if you are expecting the past to continue forever you may come to regret chasing a dream that doesn’t exist any longer.

      1. This is a great point, and you’re right that many of the people have left. I am reminding myself of the bitterness I felt that my work product wasn’t being compensated properly. That was a hard pill to swallow then, and that wouldn’t change (I don’t think)

        1. I’ve discovered that many of the middle-aged people with kids in nonprofit and mission-oriented work are bankrolled by well-compensated spouses. E.g., the legal aid attorneys often have Big Law spouses because, ironically, only the privileged can afford to do meaningful work and not get paid fairly for it.

    4. I agree with Anon at 12:29 – the daycare expense will be replaced so much more quickly than you think by extracurricular activity fees, college savings, before and after school care, etc. Not to mention that clothing gets more expensive as they get older, and they will want specific brands sooner than you think! (Not saying you have to buy those, just that the pressure starts much earlier than I expected.)
      Also, don’t discount the amount of time your kids will need as they get older. You don’t have to dress and bathe and feed them anymore, but the homework help and social support and chauffeuring them around really does add up.

      1. Also, I could get after-school care at school until 6. Now, school ends at 2:15 and if they do activities, they have no bus and need rides around 3:30-4. That does not do wonders for my productivity even though I have a flexible job.

      2. I always said that elementary and middle school years were so much harder than the day care years for this very reason. I could drop my four-year-old off at day care and leave her until 6:30 pm five days a week except for major holidays. Once she started elementary school, I needed before school care, after school care, vacation care – all of which took considerable amounts of planning. And while it was much less expensive once we were past the infant years, pre-school was not really less expensive than elementary school.

        And that does not even count that that my 13-year-old was much, much more emotionally needy than my 3-year-old. The idea that it gets easier and less expensive is a myth.

    5. You will as much as you did on daycare on your children when they are elementary school through activities and after-school care. It just leaves your wallet piecemeal rather than in one big chunk.

      Additionally, you will have far more demands on your time when your kids are in school. Daycare age is a breeze in terms of demands on your schedule. By elementary, you will be driving all over town to get them to various activities, or you will be paying someone else to do it.

      I agree, if you want to go back to the work you did in A, you need to find job C, and importantly, it needs to pay more, and have more flexibility than A did. I do not see how you could do job A with elementary age or older kids.

    6. Find a job that pays like Job B with the work of Job A. With kids, the equation is different. Being able to give them a good quality of life, where you don’t have to scrimp and budget on their clothes or outings, and can save for their college, is so important.

      1. OP here and yes- that’s a big part of what I’m struggling with. It was one thing to be broke when I didn’t have children, but now it seems selfish to prioritize loving my job (when I have one I like, just don’t love) at the expense of being able to afford more for them. We are pretty minimalist and frugal, but I really want to set them up financially, whether that’s paying for college or having money saved aside for them.

        1. I understand your dilemma. I switched from a low-paying job to a high-paying job, and at times I miss my old job, even though my new job is better in so many ways! I think our minds blur out the negatives when we’re no longer in that situation. It’s nostalgia, not reality. But these aren’t the only two options available to you for life. You can move into job C eventually.

        2. I don’t have kids, but I did wind up in Job B when my life goal was always to have Job A. It’s been a journey (that I even dealt with in therapy) to be able to “let go” of this vision for my life, but one of the things that helped was to find ways outside of work to engage with and support that cause, and make my life fuller overall. It’s never going to be the same as actually doing Job A, but you might be able to find some fulfillment and peace with accepting letting go of Job A, while being able to have the good parts of Job B. I feel you, OP. I would do Job B in your shoes, as I imagine I’d feel more fulfilled and at ease overall by making the better choice for my family, but I just want to validate your feelings.

    7. I will not mince words: many people cannot distinguish between hobbies that happen to pay you some money and actual jobs.

      Job B is a well-compensated career that gives you both the time to be with your family and the money to provide for them.

      Job A is a full-time hobby that happens to pay you some amount of money,

      I know this sounds harsh, but my life got easier and better when I understand that some jobs are basically glorified hobbies and that’s why the pay is so dismal.

      You’re also discounting the value of future flexibility. Being able to save huge amounts of money now, upward growth, no cap – if things in your life change, you will be well-positioned to adapt to those changes. Current job goes off the rails with a bad boss? Easier to leave when you have a massive emergency fund. Tired of working when you’re 55? Good thing you can retire.

      Job A might give you joy now… until it doesn’t.

    8. Yes. You have a responsibility for 3 kids and that kind of pay cut is harmful to your family. It’s not about the dream job anymore.

      1. I think OP named a lot of good reasons not to go back to Job A. But she’s talking about the difference between HHI 210k and 350k in an MCOL. That is a lot of money, but it’s not a “pursue my passion job at the expense of not being able to reasonably, safely, provide adequately for my kids” decision. If you were a single parent and considering going from a 220k job to an 80k job, it would be different.

          1. Agree. There is also not guarantee that her husband will continue to be employed and will continue to be married to her.

  16. I know it’s not even Halloween yet, but a post on the mom’s page spurred this question: what is a thoughtful, non-consumable gift that I can give to all my adult siblings for Christmas? My family refuses to swap names or drop getting gifts for everyone, and this stresses me and my finances out every year. This year I want to try giving everyone a variation on the same thing. My family values high quality, homemade (or at least not mass produced plastic) presents. In the past, one-off gifts that have been well received include handmade cutting boards, fancy nutcrackers, and pottery. Budget is $50 to $100 per person. Also, any ideas for my small children to give aunts and uncles? In the past we’ve just done magnet photos or ornament photos. Maybe regular ornaments are the way to go.

    1. This is where I identify as a man and just send what I want to send you (picture gift from shutterfly b/c taking an afternoon to do pictures with the family is effort but I never regret it) or send you something spendy and handmade by someone else (John and Kira truffles). I have those two speeds, especially in the fourth quarter. No one would expect even that of a man.

      1. Unconventionally, the men in my family are the best gift givers. I wouldn’t have the consolation of meeting a low bar, sigh. But I like the beautiful truffles you suggested!

    2. You can opt out, even if your family refuses to acknowledge the concept.

      Once we became adults, my siblings and our cousins all stopped swapping presents with each other. As the firstborn of my generation, once I hit my early 20s I basically told the rest of them that I wasn’t doing gifts any longer and if they insisted on giving me something it was not going to be reciprocated. We still holiday together and it is so much less stressful and more affordable. Now that we are starting to have kids, we have shifted to kids-only gifts.

        1. A couple years ago, my mom gave me a bunch of Bombas socks for Christmas, and I think she felt bad that it wasn’t a super “personalized” gift but I absolutely love them. Would never have bought for myself, and they are 100% still the first socks I reach for. I am convinced they make as much difference in comfort running as my shoe insoles. Literally every time I pull them on, I feel that little moment of “mom warm&fuzzies”. Thanks for the reminder to call her and tell her that!

          1. My mom gives me “boring” gifts that I just love getting, including great socks. When I was younger and poorer, she’d always give me electric toothbrush heads. Are they super fun? No. But they are great to have, and it’s nice to have someone spend money on them for you and remember to stock you up!

    4. As much as I also don’t like this approach to gifts and don’t want people buying them for me, some ideas are:
      Shawls or puffer vests becuase I wear both a lot in the winter
      Large coffee mugs, not the usual small ones that I hate
      Adult coloring books with crayons/pencils
      Expensive dish towels because people like them but won’t pay for them
      Silk pillow cases
      Fun office supplies like favorite pens, colored post-it notes, note cards, and stamps in a basket
      Clearly I’m reaching. But trying.

    5. If they have fond memories of their childhood house, can you find someone on etsy to paint it and give a framed copy to everyone?

      My husband had this idea but alas I think we may be too late to execute (we don’t have a photo of the house handy). If it doesn’t work for this year, maybe tuck it away for next!

      2. Ooh, this one also might take more lead time if you’re not local, but one year I borrowed all my parent’s photos albums, got them all digitized, and gave everyone USB sticks with the copies (dating myself here)

    6. Sheepskin slippers? Some other form of fancy slippers with their dog embroidered on it or chickens or whatever else is their passion.
      Japanese-style aprons are endlessly customizable and work for men and women. Maybe there is a grilling equivalent for whomever does not cook much.
      Fancy wooden kitchen (or grilling) tools. I was just reading an article-who knows where-about how wood distributes heat better than silicone, and now I see beautiful carved wooden spoons every time I open the internet.
      I gave my family fancy meat thermometers once, but we use them for everything, and I don’t know how I cooked without one. At the time, they were about $70 each.
      For the small children to give, an unexpected hit for us was head lamps that everyone now uses to walk their dogs at night.

    8. Check out the Simon Pearce Seconds page for pretty vases, bowls, glassware, etc – they’re slightly “off” but not so much you can really tell.

      If your family is full of travelers, Bombas compression socks (I prefer the medium compression for long day flights, high for overnight).

      Cold climate- 100% cashmere or merino scarves

    9. We do one gift from the whole family to my sister/BIL and DH’s brother/SIL. And a separate gift to each kid. So no gift from small kid only to aunt/uncle.

      I wish we could just switch to gifting to the kids only but it’s not a hill to die on for me so I do consumables only. Chocolates, coffee/tea, bath bombs, alcohol, Sephora gift basket, charcuterie gift basket etc.

    10. -Nice slippers (LL bean wicked good ones would be in your price range)
      – A chef’s knife / you might possibly be able to come up with a “customized” nice knife for everyone (ie chef’s knife for your youngest sibling just moving into their own house; nice tomato knife for your dad who is planting a retirement garden)
      – Bird house or bird feeder – you could poke around etsy for something that a) looks nice enough to just be yard decor if they don’t want to worry about it; and maybe find something targeted to local/native species for each sibling’s area
      – Rumpl blankets
      – Nice flashlight
      – Microwaveable heating pads (you can probably find these homemade on Etsy or at a local craft fair)

    11. Books? I want to support authors and independent bookstores, so books are my fallback gift if I don’t have something else specific in mind.

      1. This is what I’ve ended up doing for my parents. I buy each of them a release from the year, usually nonfiction.
        About 5 years ago I bought them new LLBean sheepskin slippers but the dang things are so well-made they haven’t needed them replaced!

    12. 3rd wave board game – can customize a little to the recipient’s interest or household size/kids ages while still sticking with a “theme”?

    13. Take the kids to a pottery studio and have them hand make presents for the aunts and uncles. Think handmade or hand painted mugs, bowls, etc.

      That becomes the gift to your siblings. It will be a good way to start backing out of all the gift-giving while still participating.

  17. I’m 46 and getting my first NEW car! What should I know about having a new car, besides that “new car smell” chemicals are bad for you? :) Dash cam??

    2. not sure if it’s “new” or not but you can find a lot of accessories for cars that were harder to find before – i’ve seen some people use those photo boxes for inside the hump interior. i’ve bought a 3d-printed cup holder on Etsy because my subaru couldn’t accommodate taller thermoses and things (it slides into the same space). i’ve heard to keep an old school point-and-click camera in the car in case of an accident, and we also keep a fire blanket in the glove compartment though i’m not sure that would help a lot in case of an accident.

    3. If you have a hybrid, you likely don’t have a spare tire.

      Also, have never regretted $ I spent on AAA plus (100 miles of free towing to garage of your choice).

      1. +1 to this (once I had to be towed a long distance and it cost like $1800).

      2. I once had to be towed for 110 miles; I broke down truly in the middle of nowhere. The fact that it cost me $50 was… damn. Lifesaver right there.

    4. Gap insurance, and appropriate coverage and deductible for the car’s value and your comfort.

      If it is truly new-new, ask about the initial recommended oil change and related maintenance schedule.

      All weather floor mats that are fitted to your car (including cargo area mats) are worth it. I would also find a really good detailer to apply a real ceramic coat to protect the paint. Like, I would drive it straight from the lot to the detailer.

      While it is being detailed, actually read the entire owner’s manual. There are so many little things specific to individual vehicle models that you don’t pick up just by having driven other cars.

  18. This is old news, but we all know that Amy Robach and TJ Holmes were fired from their daytime tv show for having an affair. I know it’s not in good taste to be having an affair, but why would this be a fireable offense? Just about everyone in Hollywood cheats on their partners, so was anyone really surprised? So, do we think that the producers just used this as an excuse to take them off the air? I always thought Amy was really stunning – with model looks – but TJ Holmes is just smarmy and not attractive…

    1. Many contracts have morality clauses so I’m assuming it was that. The public backlash was so messy.

    2. I have no idea who these people are. Why does anyone want to gossip about some minor tv celebrities?

    3. I don’t know who these people are. I am confident that plenty of people in Hollywood do not cheat on their partners (why would you assume tabloid media headlines are representative of social norms?). Celebrities make money off their public personas so their publicly known conduct can affect their employability.

      But I have to wonder, would HR at your workplace be completely A-OK with a very public affair between coworkers?

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