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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This morning I thought I'd take a look to see what blazers I could find under $50 — and I must say, I'm impressed with what The Real Real has in stock right now. Take this eggplant DvF blazer, which I am featuring explicitly so you can compare it with our original workwear suggestion about it a few years ago — it was originally $445, eventually went on sale for $250, but now can be yours in good shape for $50 if you're a lucky size 6. (The Real Real is a consignment shop, so everything is one of a kind, lucky sizes.) DvF Plaxico Blazer
Here are a few more blazers at the Real Real: black, purple, and red. Use code SUNSHINE to get 20% off through 5/18.
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
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KT
I love consignment shopping, but online versions scare me since sizing can really vary between brands. Even when I measure the heck out of things, I can never get it right. I usually stick to knit tops and dresses since they’re more forgiving, but blazers are impossible.
Are there any tricks people sue to make sure a blazer will fit when ordered online?
CountC
Order a little bit bigger than you think you need and get it tailored? I find that I need almost all blazers tailored to look right, so this is what I do consignment or no consignment.
Amelia Bedelia
I just make sure to order a brand I know so I’m certain of the size. This isn’t 100% foolproof, as even one brand can vary sizing, but I find it generally works.
anonymous
Ladies, I need some major help. I have come to the conclusion that I have anger issues. I used to think that it just ate away at me and didn’t affect my conduct, which used to be true. A lot of things have happened in the recent past that have led to me lashing out a lot and saying things I shouldn’t. Really just to DH; I’m perfectly put together around everyone else all the time. I feel bad about it and I don’t want it to escalate into something worse. Does anyone have advice on how to handle anger management? Fwiw, I would love to go to therapy, but I actually cannot do so for reasons that are too complicated to go into here.
KT
Anger management is really difficult without professional help.
If going to a brick and mortar therapist isn’t an option, there are online versions where you can Skype with a therapist–it’s also more affordable than usual therapy.
CountC
Co-signed. Without professional help, it’s going to be very hard to modify your behavior IME/IMO.
January
This is probably just another recommendation for professional help, but is there any possibility you are anxious or depressed? I used to wake up angry every morning, and when I mentioned it to my doctor, she said that can be a sign of depression.
anonymous
Well, it’s not generalized anger. I’ve been deeply hurt and wronged consistently over the past few years, and it’s reached a point where I just don’t feel like I can handle it in a healthy way. When I’m not actively thinking about it or there’s no trigger, I’m generally very optimistic and happy about my life. Something happened yesterday associated with the bad stuff that’s been going on and I just lost it. I used to be so great at that kind of control and now I’m just not.
Kate
“I’ve been deeply hurt and wronged consistently over the past few years, and it’s reached a point where I just don’t feel like I can handle it in a healthy way. […] Something happened yesterday associated with the bad stuff that’s been going on and I just lost it.”
Honestly, this makes me wonder if the issue is less managing your anger than changing the situation. We have emotions for a reason. If you’re being mistreated and experiencing powerful emotions around it, it is probably more healthy for you to change the situation than to work on managing your emotions, even if that seems difficult to impossible.
anonforthis
Believing you’ve been treated so badly may be a symptom of other problems you’re having. I’ve seen this dynamic in myself and my husband: when we’re in a bad place emotionally we feel that everyone is against us. Getting help made the world seem a much friendlier place for both of us.
anoymous OP
Well, I feel like we have changed what we could, and I think it’s just residual anger. And none of it was directly DH’s fault ,although I think he didn’t make the best decisions he could have. The issues are things like his family being offensively racist toward me (they’re white, I’m not) him trying “make it work” well past the point of what should have been expected of me. His immediate family took advantage of me in some rather unfortunate ways, and he didn’t really stop it and I was not in a position to change things on my own, much as I tried. He now say he hadn’t known the full extent of the problem, although I was telling him all the time. So I don’t think HE did anything to me and I think he had the best intentions, but just didn’t really handle anything well, and I’m very bitter about it. WE have since disengaged from all of these people and no longer speak to them.
Maddie Ross
Not a solution and in no way should this be seen as a replacement for seeking help, but it may help to workout more or increase the intensity of your workouts. When I’ve been angry about things in the past (big, ugly things, not just the “someone took my parking spot” kind of angry), a long run or speed workout helps. Perhaps that’s somewhere to start?
NYNY
If you truly cannot get professional help, then I would think that the best you can do is to try to form a habit of pausing before you speak. Give yourself a moment to consider what you’re saying and if it’s really what you want to say.
Also, talk to your husband about it. If you’re only saying these things to him, then it’s likely that there’s a destructive dynamic between the two of you. Maybe you can both pledge to try to modify your behavior?
Going Anon
Lashing out at your huband in anger can really affect your marriage in a negative way. I’ve been on the receiving end of this from my husband and I’m at the point where I’m just done. He apologizes for his behavior, like being irritable and snapping at me, but he’s never truly changed. I don’t have any great advice, but if you can’t do therapy just do your best to think before you speak. Take some deep breaths and try and calm down. Are there specific triggers that make you angry? Try and eliminate those from your life. Try thinking about this in a larger context – your husband is not going to put up with this behavior forever. From personal experience, I can see him withdrawing and becoming resentful. Do you have kids? This behavior will affect them as well. It’s good that you recognize you have this issue and best of luck with getting a handle on it.
Anonymous
+1 to the question about kids. Like you, OP, I tend to keep it all together for the public and then let out my stress through inappropriate yelling at my husband (or my mom when I was younger). I didn’t fully appreciate that my behavior was no more excusable than physical violence would have been. Now that I have kids, I’m beginning to yell at them. I know my behavior has to stop and that frustration about real/justifiable hurts or stressors doesn’t excuse yelling at people I love. Still, it’s really hard to change. I wish I had gotten a head start before kids arrived.
Next Wife and Stepmother
+1
I can tell you that years later, my husband can tell story after story about the time his former wife yelled at X “about” Y or at A “about” B.
The kids remember it, too, but they shove it to the back of their minds and alternate between “not remembering,” defending it or complaining to their dad when it continues to happen during their time with her.
Anon
+1000
As a former kid in this dynamic, please seek help! It’s unpleasant to grow up walking on eggshells because you have a parent who experiences multiple outbursts per day over minor issues.
another child of folks with anger problems
THIS. It will affect them in more ways than you know. My parents had serious anger issues and I grew up walking on eggshells, constantly afraid of someone else’s unpredictable bad mood. I carry this sort of thinking and intense anxiety over into my personal life and my job. I work very hard to make sure other people are happy and calm, constantly vigilant towards when someone else will snap/become unhappy, to my own detriment. It sucks.
Yep
+1000. In my case, it was my mother, and I’m way more sensitive to anger from women – especially older women in authority positions. With men in the professional context, I am far better able to discern whether their responses are proportionate to the circumstances. With women, I just assume it is my fault and that I screwed up.
Ghostess
For anyone still reading, the “eggshells” feeling described above sounds similar to hypervigilance, a symptom of PTSD that is not uncommon in people who grew up in abusive or unhealthy home environments.
Carrie...
From the posts, you can tell that the recommendation is therapy. Your problem is not uncommon, as you are hearing on this thread, so people know what they are talking about.
You have implied that there are some deep, long-standing issues here. This is going to be very hard to deal with on your own. AT LEAST tell your primary care doctor, and see what they say/recommend. Maybe you will get a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and could consider a medication in the short term. Maybe there is a community clinic near you that has some resources that might help with behavior modification. Maybe you can at least have a phone number at hand, so when things get bad enough, you have an option.
You cannot fix this, unfortunately, by picking up some pointers on the internet. This one is very hard and requires behavioral changes that are challenging.
In the meantime, I completely agree with finding other outlets for your anger. Exercise. Time outs. Learning deep breathing. Asking for time to “think about it” before giving your answer to upsetting questions. And taking a class in Mindfulness.
http://cw.uhs.harvard.edu/mindfulness/index.html
Start doing the links on the bottom of the page.
You can do this. I’m proud of you for identifying this problem. It can negatively impact all relationships – especially at home, and often at work – so you are right to try to address it. And you MUST address it before you have children. The increased stress and unpredicatability of children can throw those with anger issues into the pit, and it is crushing for the children.
anoymous OP
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Carrie. I appreciate it.
Scarlett
It sounds like you’re angry with your husband not in general so much. Agree therapy could help but short of that, I’d try to get to the root of what’s making you angry with him and talk that through with him.
Anon
I had exactly this probably (my mom and sister got a little bit of the fall out as well) and it ended up being tied to my anxiety. I was already getting 8 hours of sleep, working out 6 days a week, eating well, was super organized and nothing helped. I went on Lexapro and it got 90% better.
Same Anon
Side note, I got my prescription from my primary care doctor, so no therapy (or seeing a therapist) was needed.
AR
Random thought— how high is your blood pressure? This is sometimes a sign that you have hypertension and might need some BP meds. A lot of people don’t know they have hypertension until their BP is really high. Yours might be just slightly over normal and getting higher if the problem is getting worse.
anoymous OP
I’m a super endurance athlete, so I monitor it closely and it really couldn’t be lower without being really unhealthy. THanks for the thought though.
Marathoner
From this comment – when I’m in a training cycle on high mileage, I definitely get testy and short fuse. A lot of times this is diet related, particularly if I’m training carb-low. Maybe take a look at your diet a bit.
Momata
Based on your explanation above – that it’s based on how DH handled some atrocious behavior by his family, that he had good intentions but didn’t handle it well, and that now the offending family members are cut off – I think a short stint of couple’s therapy would go a long way. This seems like more of a concrete issue between you and your husband than a pervasive psychological anger management issue.
anoymous OP
You’re probably right. I’m trying to figure out how to make therapy an option, but I’m not sure that’s possible. I do feel though that my lashing out feels a little out of control and in some sense feels like an anger management issue for me.
Anonymous
Why isn’t therapy an option? Are you not telling us your reasons because you’re scared that it is an option? Your actions are hurting your children. Move mountains to fix that. You can do this.
anoymous OP
I don’t have children. I will never have children, so not an issue. No, I’m saying it’s not an option because it’s not. I have looked into it, and for very complicated reasons that would probably out me, I can’t do it. Believe me, this is not how I would have had it.
anon for this
I could have written your post, OP – very similar situation except that DH has not nor will ever cut out the offending family members so I have to keep seeing them every year. I want to respond to your internalization of the anger management. My DH accuses me of this sometimes, but I think it’s BS. Sure, I could respond better, but I respond better to EVERYTHING ELSE in my life (as you seem to describe), so clearly, the issue is the issue and not anger management. So, I would second the advice to seek couples’ therapy rather than (or at least in addition to) trying to “fix” yourself.
Anon for this answer
A few things:
You say “therapy” is out of the question, but does that include all other “talk it out” type options? I started talking to a life coach about a work issue I’ve been having and it’s been very helpful getting to the bottom of that.
Second, pills. If therapy/talk it out is 100% out of the question, try to get on some type of anti-depressant.
Third, anything written by John Gottman to help repair your marriage if you are interested in doing that. It sounds like you are in a bad place with your relationship. Or get a divorce and move on if you feel like you cant overcome what happened in the past. It seems odd that the longer you have the resolution you want (horrible people cut out of your life) the more you are lashing out at your husband. Have you thought about why that is?
anonymous
I can do any kind of “talk it out” kind of option that isn’t with a mental health professional, and I can’t take anything prescribed by a psychiatrist. Do life coaches work with this kind of thing? Basically I can’t do anything that would have me answer “yes” to the question of whether I’ve sought mental health counseling.
THere’s been a series of these kinds of issues. One is a relatively new one. That’s what prompted our current issues.
Sarabeth
Could you find someone faith-based, if relevant? Then you are just going to talk to your pastor/rabbi/whatever, which presumably is OK – but you might be able to find someone who has the appropriate training to help you. If non-religious, maybe seek out a UU church nearby (it might help to drop hints that you’re willing to make a donation to the church in lieu of payment, since you are asking them to provide pastoral services to a non-congregant). Looking for non-mental-health-professionals of any stripe who do premarital counseling might be another avenue.
Also, is it the psychiatrist specifically that is the problem, or do you need to avoid certain classes of medication? If the former, your GP has prescribing power for that stuff as well.
anon
This. I didn’t plan to go any religion-based route, but it helped me with my emotion/anger issues enormously.
I was going through a rough time when I was still in college and found a great on campus therapist who was able to discuss things with me within a Buddhist framework, even though she wasn’t Buddhist. She recommended some great books and I found the whole thing to be really helpful overall.
Senior Attorney
A life coach might be a good place to start.
And I definitely second the advice to read Gottman’s work on marriage and relationships.
Carrie...
You certainly can get the support/talking therapy you need without crossing the doorstep of a Psychiatrist. Honestly, I find most psychiatrists aren’t very good at talk therapy anyway… they deal with pills more and more. You can find lots of counselors/social workers (non-MDs) with a variety of certifications these days that can help you address these issues.
Honestly, I would not go to a Life Coach for this. They really do not have the appropriate background. But hey, if someone gives you an incredible reference with their endorsement, anything is possible.
I also like the idea of couples counseling, since you have shared more of your situation. While I’m not religious, I can imagine that there are some faith based options out there that might also give you the privacy you need.
Good luck.
shadow
I’m not sure if this would necessarily help, but I’d keep a diary or journal. At the moment, you might have so many things you want to say because you’re angry, but if you recognize such a situation, just let the other person know you need some time to just think/clear your head – and then go and write everything you want to say down. I’m not sure if it would work, but this is what I used to do to cope with some difficult situations
Dominican Republic?
DH and I are thinking about a romantic getaway in the fall to Dominican Republic. It looks like Punta Cana is the best area to go to. We would like something that’s not crowded and we like to be able to go for long beach walks. Any recommendations?
Lyssa
We stayed at the Paradisus a couple of years ago, and it was lovely. We stayed in June, and I understood that it was the slow season, so I’m not sure whether it would be more crowded in the fall or not. The people were fantastic, the beaches were lovely (they have these beach beds that are just fabulous), and the food was great. One note might be that it was fairly sedate – not a lot of nightlife or anything like that (which was nice in a way, but you might prefer something different). We paid extra for a more special room, butler, and access to other restaurants and an adult-only pool and beach area, which I would recommend (the butler would, for example, find out when you planned to be back in the room and have a romantic bath drawn and ready for you). We definitely would like to go back sometime.
Sparrow
We stayed at a Paradisus resort in Cancun and upgraded to Royal Service. I would reccomend it if you choose that resort.We had a separate building and pool area. Not sure if this is the same in Punta Cana, but there was also a separate poolside restaurant for Royal Service members. The lobby of the building also had food/snacks throughout the day along with a bar where you could mix your own drinks. We were also given some free bottles of liquor which resulted in a fun trip around town trying to find bubble wrap!
Bonnie
Our favorite place in Punta Cana is the Excellence. It’s a large and beautiful property and is adults only so is super chill.
Anon
I have a don’t — we stayed at the Majestic and it was not very good. You have to upgrade to get access to the majority of the resort. It is really a lot extra and you could just stay at an overall nicer place. It was also not very clean.
Punta Cana is definitely amazing though!
In House Lobbyist
We stayed at Barcelo Bavaro Beach in November. I wouldn’t call it crowded but it was not deserted either. We stayed in the adult only section and it was much less crowded than the main resort. We loved it.
CountC
They couldn’t press/steam this for the sale photo???? I am sure it’s a lovely blazer, but the picture is a bad representation of the product if you ask me.
Wanderlust
+1
Agree
+1000
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Fridays. I love Fruegel Friday’s and DVF, but this is ONLEY available in a size 6 and I do NOT want to have to grow to fit it. My dad is already badgerring me about how schlumpey I look trying to stay in my size 2 (with a size 4 tuchus), so goeing up further would be a disaster. Also, I agree with the OP that this is a realy bad fit on the manequin. If I walked around in court lookeing like this, the JUDGE would NOT let me win all my cases. Now that it is SUMMER, the judge also wants me to take my blazer OFF when I address the court. I do NOT think it is that hot in the court yet — tho it does get sticky in June/July/August/Sepeember.
Myrna say’s I should NOT move now. She saw the manageing partner’s brother leering at her last night when he came over and I told him Myrna might want my apartement. He said that he wanted it also, but that he would consider shareing space with Myrna if I left, and he was stareing right at her crotch when he said it. We BOTH saw that and did NOT know where to look. I do NOT want to move and leave Myrna vulnereable to his lechereous behaviour. I am sure he would find SOME way to get her to let her into the apartement, and once there, he would do like Sam, and uncover his winkie, or worse to try and sedeuce her. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c Myrna is NOT dateing anyone now and she also has need’s, but I warned her….
Dad is comeing in for the weekend with mom and staying over with me. Tomorrow we look with the realeator at profesional apartement’s that are available. There is one that was a dentitist’s office where there are alot of tools she said which we would have to clear out. Another is owned by the estate of a woman Astrologist/Palm Reader. I can ONLEY imagine what hapened to that old lady. I bet there is alot of bad karma in there. I still have my weegie board from high school. I could alway’s bring that in to see if I am right. FOOEY on that.
I will report back to the hive next week, but have to get billeing now or I am sunk! DOUBEL FOOEY! I am sorry I was so busy yesterday that I did NOT even get a chance to read the afternoon p’osts! TRIPEL FOOEY!
Anonymous
My exact thought. I can’t tell if it’s a terrible blazer or just has been sitting the bottom of a box for months.
Anonattorney
It also just seems like a really sad color.
Must be Tuesday
Yep, that’s exactly what I thought. Looks like something that’s been sitting in a bag at the bottom of someone’s closet for months.
Anon
TJ – How often and how much do you tip your housekeeper? We have a one bedroom apartment in NYC and just started to pay $100 every 2 weeks to have someone come and clean it. I was planning on giving a bonus / gift at the end of the year, but it just occured to me that it might be appropriate to tip every week. Is this something people do?
Anon
I think most people either tip every time OR give a bonus at the end of the year in a similar total amount. I do the end of year bonus.
A Nonny Moose
+1. We use a service, so it’s not the same people coming every month and I tip each visit. Team of 3, $135 fee and I leave $5 for each person. If I had a consistent team I would probably switch to larger annual bonus.
anon-oh-no
this. We give bonus at the holidays at the end of the year.
Manhattanite
We tip each time and give an end of year tip where that week we pay her double. So $100 each time (including tip) and in Dec, her closest visit before Christmas, $200. This is for a 2 bdrm apt in manhattan, for cleaning every other week.
Anonymous
Yes! It’s customary to tip every week and give a bonus equal to the cost of one cleaning at Christmas. I’d tip $20 each time on a $100 cleaning.
Parfait
I use a service, and I know they do not pay their people that well, so I tip $20 every time. Especially now that I’ve got the same guy coming every time, who is fantastic. I hadn’t thought about Xmas but I suppose I will do the bonus thing when that comes around.
SF in House
Fascinating. My cleaners are the same team every week and I only give them a bonus at the end of the year. I’m surprised to hear that people tip weekly.
Anonymous
+1. We have the same people each week. It’s not a company but a group of individuals. I don’t tip each visit, but I will throw in extra if I ask them to do something extra, and I give them double at Christmas.
Bonnie
Depends on whether you use a service or pay the person directly. We hired and negotiated a prices it hour cleaning persons so do not tip at each visit but give her a bonus at the end of the year equal to one visit. If the house is especially messy, we will add $20.
Bonnie
Wow. Autocorrect really tweaked this response.
Clementine
I do the same, including throwing in an extra few bucks when my house is unusually messy.
(Like that time our dog covered his entire self with mud and a ‘helpful’ relative just let him inside without thinking to call me over or wipe his paws and our entire house looked like a cartoon…)
Paying for an MPH
Hi hive, I have a question about going to graduate school for an MPH. To those of you who either have the degree or are familiar with it, did you feel like it was worth the cost? Did you make efforts to find scholarship money, fellowships, go in-state, etc.? I’m considering staying at my job (and getting some tuition reimbursement) and doing an online program, but I’m worried that I’ll still be paying a lot for a worse educational experience without much opportunity to do anything outside of the basic classwork. I also am NOT one of those people who can really excel at working full-time and doing school full-time – I worry about burnout. Can anyone provide any perspective? Your experience in similar grad programs would be helpful too! TIA!
FWIW
An MPH will never make you a million dollars, but you’ll never starve either. I work with a number of people with MPH degrees and they primarily work for either the government or nonprofits. Most of them find their work very fulfilling, and the majority of them went to a state school that had a direct link to the state health department and essentially offered a straight career track that would set you up pretty well if you were a good student and willing to put in the effort.
The questions I can’t answer are: what do you do now? will this degree keep you in you field or help you break into a new field? where do you live and what is the market like for MPH grads?
MPP
Are you the same person who asked this question a few weeks ago?
It really depends on what you hope to get out of the degree. If you just want to be able to say you have an MPH for advancement at your current employer, and your employer will pay for the degree, go part-time or on line. If you are changing careers or employers, you need to go to an on-campus program with the best possible reputation and the strongest career services office.
Carrie...
+1
I work with many people who have MPH, who use it to their advantage to be involved with research and clinical trials in a variety of fields. Many opportunities in academia, biotech. Most of the ones I know added it on to another degree to enhance their job. But they all did it at the best place they could find, using all sources of tuition assistance. And most did it near full-time…. or maybe 80%, and still continued a little of their other job on the side.
What is your plan/goal? Are you changing careers or enhancing your current one? What can you financially afford (and geographically)? Is money an issue? Are you single or in a relationship that also must move/support you in your choice?
If changing careers, go to the best place you can, close to full time as possible to do very well. If money is an issue, go to the cheapest place that is also good (ex. many state school programs rather than private that are very good). If not changing careers, and you are planning to stay in the same job/company and just enhance your capabilities, and money is an issue….stay where you are and do it part time over a long period of time in a way that you can manage.
Kdlaf
Im in a similar boat instead im looking to do an M.S in epi or biostat possibly online. Im about to start a new job that will pay for a good portion of any degree and there is a lot of room for advancement within the company (ill hopefully stay about 4 years then find another company or pursue a phd -which you should probably not do online). There are a lot of reputable schools that have online programs and you dont have to specify “online” on your resume if you dont want to (anyone can correct me if im wrong).
A lot of people within my current organization did their degrees online or are currently enrolled in an online programso it is definitely possible!
There seems to be some stigma with doing grad school online but its definitely a case by case basis – Hopkins (MPH) AND Harvard (MS in Health Care Management) both have online programs just to give you an idea. :)
anon MPH
You don’t necessarily specify “online” but usually the degree comes from a different institution so it is clear that you didn’t attend the “real” program. (For example, it could be an “extension” program or something like that.
If someone else is paying for this kind of degree, and they’ll only pay for online, sign up. But I would think very carefully about spending any of my own money on an online degree, whether from a fancy place or not. You really won’t get the same experience.
Anonymous
It also depends on what your focus will be. IME, Epi/Biostat and Health Admin have the best career opportunities, but the others can help complement existing degrees and positions.
Whether or not it’s worth the cost also depends on where you go.
I’d only do online if it were to complement your current degrees and position. Definitely not for a career change. You’d miss out on the very valuable experiences of internships and mentoring, IMO.
anon MPH
I was fully funded and paid a stipend while earning my full-time MPH from a top school. I would not have paid for it. In my field (academia) the MPH is a credential. At the early stages of the career it buys you a little bit of extra credibility beyond the PHD but I would not say that it is worth it.
I also counsel my undergrads who want to go into Public Health that under no circumstances should they incur debt to earn an MPH. It is not a degree that will yield sufficient dividends to make the debt worthwhile, ever, ESPECIALLY if it is from anywhere less than the top 10 schools.
I agree with the poster below that it matters what your major will be – epi and biostats are sorely needed and pay well, but whether you need the credential for that depends on the kind of job you have or want.
If you really want to do that kind of job, I would advise you to take it seriously for the 1 or 2 years it will take to earn the degree full-time from the best school you can get into and afford (and look for all kinds of money).
Paging L from yesterday
If your clothes are feeling frumpy, a good tailor can work wonders. I was feeling very frumpy in my basic suits and pencil skirts because they just didn’t fit quite right. I’d had the jacket sleeves and skirts hemmed to the right length, but whenever I asked the tailor about changing the fit of the jacket or skirt she would always say it looked fine. After a long search, I finally found a wonderful new tailor and had her alter all my suits and pencil skirts so they fit perfectly. She gave the straight skirts a slight taper and altered the side seams and center back seams so all the pieces now hang just right. Now I am wearing the exact same clothes but feel chic and put-together.
L
Thanks, that is a very good idea. I think I need to find some pieces that are really worth tailoring. I went through my wardrobe a bit last night and realized that I don’t actually like 95% of it.
CapHillAnon
Any chance this great tailor was in DC? I’m looking for someone like that.
OP
Unfortunately not. I found her on Yelp, so you might try that.
Anonymous
I’m not in DC, but if you know anyone who knows how to sew they often have good recommendations for tailors because they know about construction and fit and are often very picky if they are paying someone else to do the work
CapHillAnon
Ha! I sew, and just as you said I am attentive to construction and fit, but I haven’t found the right tailor yet.
Relationship Q
How do you ladies handle the breakdown of tasks in a relationship? I’m not talking about household chores or anything because my SO and I are not living together yet but basic things like planning things with our friends/family, making reservations, getting gifts etc.
I know the general consensus around here is you take care of your friends/family and he should do the same. But I’m quite the planner so I’ve had to stop myself from planning things with his friends, but then they don’t get done and we’re all scrambling at the last minute. I don’t have a problem doing it in theory but is this a slippery slope that all the planning will just default to me? Should I just be staying firm and letting him/his friends do things and not rescue them when it goes wrong?
CountC
I would say yes, stay firm and don’t rescue them when it goes wrong. Either they will start to get frustrated and change their ways, or they won’t, but if you start helping you will never be able to stop.
Scarlett
We divide up by who’s good at and likes what. I’m good at gifts so I take care of those for us. He’s good at restaurant and grocery shopping when we entertain at home, so he does that. Household chores we both just do when we see things need doing. A weekly housecleaner is also key so neither of us get overwhelmed. My advice is don’t sweat this kind of stuff too much – if both people pitch in (and sometimes it’s going to fall more to one person depending on what’s going on in life too) it doesn’t really matter who does what. There are just plenty more things to get worked up about.
Sarabeth
I do that stuff in my relationship as well, but we count it as a chore. So he does more cleaning and house repair to balance it out.
Sparrow
Are you talking about planning events for your SO and his friends where you would not be involved at all? If so, I’m inclined to say that it’s his responsibility and you don’t need to do anything. However, if you like planning and it helps your SO because he doesn’t have time I don’t see a problem with helping out occasionally. Also, I would caution against falling into the trap of constantly doing this for him. There may come a time when you’re not able to don’t want to do the plannning and he should be able to handle things on his own.
Sarabeth
This is wise – I should mention that part of our deal is that, if I am doing the legwork on this kind of planning, my husband does not get to complain about how I do it. Or that it doesn’t get done. Ultimately, any relationships that are super important to him are his responsibility to maintain. I will take the lead on organizing dinners with friends and our annual vacation with his family. But if I go through a busy period at work and don’t do any of that organizing, he can either do it himself or not, but he doesn’t get to bitch at me about it.
Gail the Goldfish
If we’re going on vacation, I do all trip planning because I like it and am good at it. Planning with friends tends to be whoever is closest to that particular set of friends. Things like gifts and restaurant reservations tend to be just whoever has time to do it. If it’s an activity with his friends where you’re not involved, I’d stay out of it. You probably will get stuck with all the planning if you start doing it.
BeenThatGuy
Like you, in theory, I don’t mind taking control in my relationships. But please be sure that the slippery slope isn’t anything more than just that. Meaning, make sure it’s not the relationship that’s not the real issue.
FWIW, when in therapy after my marriage ended, during a role play session, the therapist said “stop trying to be the man you want me to be”. That stopped me right in my tracks. I hope your situation is different but think about that before you plan the next event.
new anon
You’ve gotten good advice from others, and in general, I think it *is* a slippery slope but certainly one you can choose to go down without it being a Big Relationship Problem. That said, you run the risk of not only your husband but also his family/friends counting on you to do all of the scheduling, which means you take the flak from them when it doesn’t get done (or not how they want it). I really really like my in-laws, but I don’t want to be the one who has to tell them we can’t visit [whenever] or we don’t want to do [whatever thing]. Too much risk of looking like I’m controlling things and imposing my own preferences rather than just doing the logistics work on choices we made as a couple.
A side benefit is that it’s let me relax about what we do with my husband’s friends and family. I commit to showing up with a good attitude and not worrying about the schedule getting goofed up or any other snafus–it’s their social event, not mine, and if they’re not bothered, why should I be? If I can be helpful, I will, of course, but there’s no reason for me to take emotional ownership of his relationships or how they’re conducted.
Lorelai Gilmore
+1,000,000
I’m a planner/organizer/etc. My in-laws are not. I thought I was being helpful by organizing events, planning our trips to see them – but it turns out that I was just being kind of annoying. (And I really was trying to be helpful and kind!) My relationship with them has gotten much better (and easier) when I just relax and go with the flow of the time they spend together, even though it’s disorganized and messy and could be so much better if they just let me run the whole thing. (Kidding on that last part.)
Relocating soon
Any Louisville-area readers? I’ll be relocating in a few weeks (without knowing a soul) and would love to know if anyone from the Hive hails from that area.
Kentuckian
Not from Louisville, but a lifelong Kentuckian (who’s excited to hear of another soon-to-be-Kentucky Hive member). Welcome in advance! If you’re a fan of bourbon or basketball, you’re in the right place. My ties are primarily to Lexington; both it and Louisville are fantastic and growing cities. Louisville is such a great balance of quirky and traditional. I love the city and would be happy to end up there.
Hildegarde
I also do not live in Louisville, but I’m relatively nearby in Cincinnati. I have a couple of friends who lived in Louisville for several years, and they loved it. They actually considered staying there and say they likely would have done so, except that their families and large group of close friends are all here. If I remember correctly, they liked the variety of bars and restaurants, and the portions of the city that are walkable (I don’t remember neighborhood names), as well as the people they met there.
Jules
Hi Hildegarde, waving at you from slightly farther up I-75 in southwest Ohio.
Anonymous
*Waves back* There’s at least one other commenter on here from this area; I’m glad to know there are a few of us!
Hildegarde
Anonymous at 1:28 was me; not sure why my name didn’t fill in.
CherryScary
Hey, I’m right around there too! Hello from just off 675 and 75!
Jules
Any more of us? We need a meet-up — why let LA and DC have all the fun?
caeasia
Ooohh! Me! I’ve been here three years and really like it. I’d love to connect up and see how I can help. Drop me a line at k a s h o r e AT SIGN gmail DOT com.
TBK
Question on business dining etiquette I’ve never quite been able to figure out. On Monday, I’m having lunch with someone who, because of our respective positions, his seniority, and because his secretary booked a pricey restaurant for the meal, I’m 99% sure will pick up the tab. I’m also 99% sure he’ll follow the social rule that ladies should order first (and I suspect the waiter will do this automatically anyway). In this situations, how do you tell whether to order a first course or not? I feel comfortable picking out an entree, but I never know how to tell whether to order something to start or not, and it just seems awkward when the people at the table don’t all have the same number of courses. In the past I’ve handled it by ordering just an entree then, if others are ordering soup or salad, saying “actually, could I also have the [side salad/soup/whatever” but that’s awkward in its own way. Has anyone figured this out? It’s been ten years since I was a summer associate and I still haven’t found a good way to handle this.
S in Chicago
I like asking the person I’m dining with “What looks good to you?” and praying they reference something on the starter side so I know they are thinking of a starter. Otherwise I either go without a starter or do the move you do.
bridget
It’s lunch. Default to not ordering the starter.
Maddie Ross
No good solution beyond S’s about asking what they are ordering. Or going the soup and salad route from the beginning with the option they can be brought together or separate depending on the rest of the table. Can I just say though how much I LOVE waiters that ask after the fact “would you like a salad as well?” when someone else at the table orders? From the wait staff perspective, I know it’s just a good opportunity to up-sell/increase the ticket price. But it just takes away so much awkwardness too!
ace
That’s brilliant — and I totally agree.
TBK
Yes! To the extent that, especially in high end restaurants, part of the waiter’s role is to play host a bit by making people feel comfortable and making things run smoothly, this is such a graceful way of avoiding the lone person sitting there eating his soup while everyone else kind of wishes there were more bread.
Aerith
I ask what they’re thinking of getting. I hate the ladies order first custom.
ss
‘So … are we getting starters ?’ (but my default is to get a starter if we are in a corporate-account type restaurant and expect to have a substantive discussion, then coffee, no dessert).
Houda
Same here, I always order starter + Main dish then coffee no dessert.
la vie en bleu
This is 100% just honestly true, but it also accomplishes what you are talking about: I just say “I really can’t decide yet, can you order first?” I am actually always slow to decide, but I have never found anyone to seem awkward when I do it, and I prefer seeing what they are doing to asking questions that feel awkward.
Katie
Hmm, the higher stance on this blazer reads as frumpy to me. Dip the V a smidge lower and I think it would look much better. It also doesn’t appear to fit the mannequin!
In Laws
I am curious how people with controlling personalities handle relationships with their in laws? My mother-in-law has very different ways of doing things that already make me insane (I really noticed this when she watched our pets while we were out of town). It isn’t just that they do things differently, but they overall had a much more lax/risky parenting style (as an example, putting a helmet on a child riding a bike would never occur to them). I am pregnant and imagine this will be exacerbated with children. My husband generally supports me when it comes to his parents (and we have extensively discussed parenting styles/how we want to raise our kids), but I am concerned I am in for a life of micromanaging what my MIL allows my children to do. Anyone in a similar situation have any tips on handling this situation?
Anonymous
Choose your battles, and make these choices in advance with your husband. Then stand as a united front on only these most important issues, and let everything else go without comment. In my case, my parents are wonderful loving grandparents, with a lifestyle very different than ours. When the kids stay with them, all the rules about food, TV, clothes, etc are different than at home, and the kids understand this. Even though we don’t love their choices, we’re fine with it because none of these things put the kids in danger – and in a way it’s healthy for kids to see that different people choose to live differently (and for them to get a little break from Mom & Dad’s rules). What we do stand firm on is proper carseat use, helmets for bikes, and… that’s all I can think of at the moment.
Maddie Ross
This. With grandparents and sitters (not daycare, but sitters when we’re out on a date or something), I let the rules go a bit on TV watching, food choices and where food can be consummed (i.e., allow it in the living room or playroom, not just in the kitchen). Safety rules are unbreakable. I think you just have to pick the non-negotiables(whatever they may be with you and your husband) and explain them to your MIL. Things like helmet usage and rear-facing carseats, etc., have changed over time too, so you can always use that as the excuse with her when you explain it.
Senior Attorney
+1
While major safety rules like helmets and car seats need to be enforced, I feel like part of the job/privilege of grandparents is to spoil the kids a little with things like staying up late and eating special food.
TBK
Absolutely. It might help to think of it this way. Your decisions about things like what the kids eat, how much TV they watch, what they wear, etc. benefit the kids in particular ways. They get good nutrition, have their minds stimulated, etc. But having a loving and low-stress relationship with their grandmother is a huge benefit for them. So if the cost of that terrific relationship (because the kids will pick up on it if your relationship with grandma is tense and they’ll side with mom over grandma, making them feel like they can’t be as close with grandma) is that they eat slightly more sweets and watch slightly more TV, that seems like a worthwhile trade-off.
Sarabeth
This is wise. And keep in mind that the tradeoffs are going to be different in each grandparent relationship. My dad does childcare for us on a regular basis, so we are more concerned that he follow our rules (luckily, he is willing to do so). We see my husband’s parents for two weeks a year, max, so we let a lot more go.
Anonymous
+1 to this. When my mom helps with the weekly childcare for our three it’s in our house with our rules. When she takes them for the weekend it’s in her house……where they run wild…..and I suspect a few veggies get missed…..and there is mud everywhere…..and their grandma takes them on wonderful adventures to galleries and museums that she then let’s them recreate at home in all their messy glory….and I pop them in the bath when they get home and they tell me how much grandma loves them and babble at us about the new things they learned. Luckily with both sets of grandparents safety practices are agreed but given how structured their lives are because of our jobs, I think it’s important they have somebody who lives differently who has the patience to give them the occasional break from that structure.
CKB
This, exactly. I’m the mom of 3 and we follow this for both sets of grandparents. However my boys (who were 6-12 at the time) stayed at my mom & dads 3 years ago 3 or 4 nights after camping for 3 nights (with smoky fires due to rain. When we picked the boys up it was obvious they hadn’t bathed the whole time. They still smelled of campfire. We were not impressed and have been able to avoid them staying at grandma & grandpa’s again, but I think it’s going to come to a head soon and I’m not sure how I’m going to handle it. Of course the boys are all older now, and understand the importance of showering most of the time, and the importance of safety, but 2 of my boys have ADHD, with inattentiveness and impulsivity being major issues. My parents live on an acreage and don’t have the best hearing or attentiveness themselves. It seems like a bad combo.
Anonyski
Are you serious? Your boys went camping, played in the woods,had a ton of fun, and you were upset they didn’t bathe for 3 days? And kept them from their grandparents for 3 years?!? This makes me sad.
Anon
No tips, as we don’t have children yet, but am following this thread with interest. We’ve already discussed the fact that my parents will likely be much better with our children than his parents, both because their values are more in line with ours and because they’ve proven to be respectful of the parents’ wishes rather than how they want to do things. To be clear, when I say values, I’m not talking about fancy schmancy things, but rather things like it’s not okay to reject every single thing at dinner and then get handfuls of candy an hour later. My mom would say dinner is dinner, and if you don’t like it, then you don’t get anything else. His mom would say nothing is wrong with giving a 2 year old a bunch of mini-Hershey bars at 8pm and that a lot of children don’t like vegetables, and then laugh about it. Even if the parents had already said no Hershey bars. We’ve seen this happen with our nephews.
Ultimately, I think we’ll have to tread carefully when it comes to values/preferences, but safety issues will be non-negotiable.
ace
Agree that you have to pick you battles. My MIL has watched my kid (now kids) one day a week since the older one was born, and we just recognize that certain rules related to non-safety issues are off. If there’s things that we are initially relaxed about then find that they become a problem, we explain whey the change needs to happen. E.g., lots of chocolate milk on grandma’s watch was upsetting kiddos stomach, so we told her he could only have 1 chocolate milk a day.
Additionally, try to not to let it drive you crazy. My husband is considerably more Type A than I am and he gets so stressed out about people being in our house and putting dishes away in the wrong place, etc. That’s not helping anyone, particularly when the person who is putting dishes away is trying to help/watching our kids for free/also does several chores correctly.
Anonymous
Don’t have your MIL take care of your kids.
Anonononon
Use access as leverage. If they don’t follow the rules that are important to you, they don’t get to see the grandkids, end of story.
Anon
That seems healthy.
TBK
I think this is the atomic option. If the grandparents are egregious, like you find out they drove without the kid in a carseat, or got drunk or high while watching the kids, or had unsafe people around the children, then yes you absolutely have to cut them off. But I’m not sure “I wanted the baby to have only homemade organic food and grandma fed her a jar of Gerber’s peas” counts. Sometimes the rules have just changed since we were babies and grandparents don’t want to feel like the choices they made are being judged.
Senior Attorney
This. Keep in mind that having a relationship with the grandparents is beneficial to the children, not just a treat for the grandparents. It seems pretty crazy to deprive them of that over something like Hershey bars for dinner once in a while.
Also, I promise you on a stack of Bibles that most of this stuff will seem ridiculously unimportant in a shorter time than you think.
I went round and round with my parents over stuff on the order of Hershey bars for dinner, but I never considered cutting off access. And 28 years later I have a grown son who still adores his grandparents and has been a huge help with their transition to assisted living. The relationships are what’s important and will continue to be important long after you’ve forgotten about bedtimes and baby food.
Anon
Yes, that’s what I’m getting at. My kid has a grandparent who will never, ever, ever be left alone with Kid for a variety of safety reasons, but I still do my best to facilitate their relationship because I think it’s important.
Anon in NYC
+1 to this. My mom, for example, didn’t know that crib bumpers are now a bad thing. She wanted to buy me a whole bedding set including bumpers and was surprised to learn they are considered a suffocation hazard. My in-laws didn’t know that car seats had expiration dates (although to be fair to them neither did I until I looked into it).
If the grandparents are well-meaning, like mine are, a simple explanation of safety rules or hazards will go a long way in making sure that they do things properly. There’s a difference between a well-meaning grandparent who does things slightly differently than how you do them, and a grandparent who purposefully ignores safety procedures.
la vie en bleu
All of the above, especially Senior Attorney.
Just to give another perspective, none of my grandparents had any interest in having a relationship with us or spending time with us, much less giving us unhealthy food or letting us watch too much TV. And therefore, I kind of couldn’t give a cr8p about them at the end of their lives (except for supporting my parents as much as I could).
So, in the long run, will you be more glad they had a relationship with their grandparents once they are gone, or regret the things that happened when they stayed at the in-laws house when they were kids? And I mean this as an honest question, think about exactly what you think the in-laws will do/not do with the kids and make it a cost-benefit analysis, but think about decades from now when the grandparents are gone, not in the short term.
Anonononon
Access denial isn’t for all situations, hence the “rules you care about”. Everyone has different thresholds. It could be bike helmets, taking the kids to get baptized without telling the parents (happened to me), or any number of things. Probably best if not used to limit the number of ice cream scoops grandma serves, but you do you.
Also, I don’t think there’s anything inherently good about having a relationship with grandparents qua grandparents, so I would not feel the need to compromise for the sake of letting the kids build that relationship. If the grandparents are otherwise adults I would want my children around, then fine. But just because they’ve got a title that other adults don’t have doesn’t get them off the hook for anything with me.
Meg Murry
One thing is you can have MIL come visit and play with the kids at your house more often than sending them to hers, and you can do things like buying a second bike helmet for at her house or a car seat for her car. If kids get used to things like helmets and car seats and they are anything like my kids, once they get verbal they will insist on having them/weating them. My father once had to pick up my son in an emergency situation where he didn’t have a carseat and was driving less than a mile, and my son had a total meltdown over it, and then told me immediately “Grandpa needs a timeout, he was unsafe”. Same with refusing to go for a bike ride with Grandma when she picked up their bikes but forgot helmets.
Grandma giving them multiple cups of juice every time she sees them is still an ongoing battle though at least now we’re down to one watered down cup per meal and she asks us before giving refills.
la vie en bleu
The “grandpa needs a timeout” line is cracking me up! So cute!
Senior Attorney
So cute!
When my son was about three, my dad remodeled a bathroom in our house. My son came home from daycare on demolition day, took one look at the project, and came running to me shouting “Mom! Look at the big mess Papaw made!!”
Anon
My approach is that safety rules are non-negotiable even if it hurts the grandparents’ feelings. For food, TV, etc., I tell the grandparents they are free to spoil the kid to the extent that they can live with. This means that if you let the kid stay up late and watch movies once, you must expect that the kid is going to demand the same thing next time she visits. I don’t sweat the small stuff, like the time Grandma proudly announced that she had convinced my child to eat Kraft Dinner, which is prohibited in our house and the kid doesn’t even like, by bribing her with ice cream.
It helps if you have the same rules for both sets of grandparents, and if you and your husband agree on these rules ahead of time. If the rules are violated, there needs to be a plan for the spouse whose parents have committed the violation to deal with it. For example, when we took our baby to visit my husband’s very frail mother who falls frequently, we agreed ahead of time that we would only let her hold the baby while seated, and that he would ask her to sit down or take the baby away if necessary (which he did more than once).
Aerith
Good morning! I need to think of ideas for my boyfriend’s birthday. For mine he made me something in his woodshop, but I’m too busy for a creative gift like that and he’s not very materialistic. I was thinking about buying him tickets for an event he wanted to go to, but I think he may think it’s too much since they’re kind expensive. Any suggestions?
roses
Need a little more info here…what are his hobbies? What is your budget?
padi
Tickets are an awesome gift…my boyfriend gets a pair of tickets to a hockey game at least once a year (for his birthday or Christmas). It is a special night out that we normally wouldn’t splurge on. So gifting him tickets is a great justification to do something we normally wouldn’t do.
If he worries about the expense, you can always say you got them for less than face value from craigslist or stub hub.
Wildkitten
Check Etsy!
Tax/Retirement Question
I’m getting married soon, which will move me from the middle of the range tax bracket-wise to the top tax bracket. I currently contribute to a Roth 401k – should I continue with that or should I wish to a traditional? Also, anything else I should be aware of from a tax planning perspective? I’ve never really had to worry much about taxes before, so this is new territory for me.
I am trying to find a local tax professional to consult with on this, but I know we have more than a few high earning ladies here, so I thought I’d ask the hive.
Sarabeth
If you’re really in the top tax bracket, you may not be eligible to make either (deductible) traditional IRA contributions or Roth contributions. Look up “backdoor Roth” if you still want to make IRA contributions – essentially, you make non-deductible contributions to a traditional IRA and then, later, you can convert it to a ROTH. Rules can be tricky if you already have a traditional IRA with deductible contributions, so you will need to research this option carefully to see if it works for you.
Tax/Retirement Question
Good to know – thank you! I’ve temporarily stopped contributing my Roth IRA until I figure out what I’m allowed to do in this new tax bracket.
Amy H.
A Roth 401(k) has different rules than a Roth IRA.
Anonymous
The OP referred to a Roth 401k – there are no income limits on Roth 401k contribs the way there are on Roth IRA contribs. And saving taxes now by contributing to a traditional 401k is not necessarily better – much depends on whether the OP expects to be in a higher tax bracket in retirement than he or she is now, and how many years he or she has until retirement – more years until retirement means that the Roth money has more time to grow tax-free. The entire Roth 401k (contribs and earnings) is tax-free assuming it’s not withdrawn until at least age 59.5 and the account has existed for at least five years.
Topanga
I think anyone in the top bracket now should contribute to a regular 401K. You will save so much in taxes now! As for a Roth IRA, the limit to contributing begins to phase out at an AGI of $181,000, so if you will be above that for 2015 (which if you are in the top tax bracket you are way above), I would look into contributing to a traditional IRA and converting it to a Roth.
V
This doesn’t really answer your question, but it is fascinating.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/04/16/upshot/marriage-penalty-couples-income.html?_r=0
Brunette Elle Woods
I might go to a law school classmate’s “office warming party”. She just moved to a larger office and it is her own firm. Is it necessary to bring something and if so, what?
anon
God no. Bring her a cheeky postit note, if you must.
Accidentally reported, sorry!
Anonymous
Oh dear god no.
Bonnie
No requirement but a bottle of wine is always a nice gesture.
Senior Attorney
It’s certainly not necessary but if it were a good friend I might bring a bottle of champagne.
Let them eat cake
Let me start off by saying that I fully recognize that (1) this is a first world problem and (2) I am a bit of a control freak, and should probably just learn to let things go more in general.
My FMIL is a wonderful person, but we have very different tastes. I’m also much more of a perfectionist than she is.
FMIL loves to bake and decorate cakes. Like the crazy fancy cakes that look like cars or purses or shoes or whatnot, with bold colors and decorations.
My idea of a fantastic cake is a beautiful, simple, layered cake with buttercream and a few fresh flowers to decorate it, on top of a lovely cake stand. Simple, tasty, elegant, rustic.
We haven’t crossed this bridge yet, but I know that FMIL is going to want to make cakes for bridal shower, baby showers, children’s birthdays, etc. And I will hate how they look (and, frankly, they don’t taste great since she goes for stability of ingredients rather than flavor).
Is this one of those situations where, for the good of the peace between our tribes, I just need to STFU and let her make the cakes? My issues with this are (1) I won’t enjoy them, (2) I worry that people will think that this is what I wanted/my aesthetic (okay this sounds terrible and snobby typed out), but really (3) I will feel like I’m lying to her. I can’t tell her with a straight face that I like the cakes, b/c I don’t, but at the same time, making them brings her joy (and she doesn’t have many opportunities for that).
So – thoughts? What would you do?
Anonymous
I think you have 3 options:
1) let her make all the cakes;
2) let her make cakes for some events, but insist on making them yourself for others. Personally, if I were hosting my own child’s birthday party in my home, I would absolutely not let someone else do that cake because I want to;
3) repeat any of this out loud and get a reputation as a stuck up judgmental psychopath. For the love of god lady it’s cake. Get a grip.
HSAL
I like option 2 here – even if she enjoys it, there’s no reason she should make every single cake. Or maybe you select a vanilla cake and ask her to make a small secondary chocolate cake. She obviously cares, so the risk of hurting her feelings is totally not worth your aesthetic.
Anonymous
Trust me, when you are racing around trying to manage a job, house, friends/family, other children and a request from one kid for a swimming pool cake with purple fish in it whilst kid 2 wants an entire baseball field recreated in cake two weeks later this woman is going to make you seem like the greatest mother ever.
Also, your authentic rustic self goes out the window with kids the first time someone’s parent serves a cake with coloured frosting (normally around 3 or 4)
bridget
Those sound like awesome cakes… for kids! Let her make the kid cakes, and the kids will think that she’s the best grandma ever and all their friends will think you’re the coolest mom ever. Trust me, your kids are not going to like simple cakes decorated with fresh flowers; they will think that the Elsa’s Ice Castle cake is the bestest thing ever.
Then you get to have your own type of cakes for your own parties. Simple.
Senior Attorney
I would totally let her do it. It’s her jam, man. If you feel you must defend your aesthetic integrity, you can quietly spread the word to friends and family that it’s not your jam but you are indulging her. As for what you tell her, you can always say “You are so creative!” or “That’s some cake!” or “My goodness, you must have worked so hard on that!”
But I would draw the line at my actual wedding cake. Tell her it’s far too big of an undertaking and you want her to be able to relax and enjoy the wedding.
And yes, getting a grip would be good too. You have a long life ahead of you with this woman and the best course of action is to see the humor in it and/or think of it as reciprocal loving gestures (her doing the cake and you graciously accepting it).
Let them eat cake
Thanks to both of you for the “get a grip” reminder (sincerely) – I need that from time to time :)
And we’ve already decided that no one, from either side of the family, gets to do anything for the wedding. We want everyone to relax and enjoy themselves, and don’t want to deal with the hassle of who-does-what either.
Anonymous
And maybe also ask yourself why other people’s perception of your level of cake taste matters.
AnonLawMom
This. Holy smokes.
Meg Murry
And remember, in the grand scheme of things, it could be far worse. Yes, your MILs taste in cake is not the same as yours, and you may have a crazy looking cake at your bridal or baby shower, but at least she is sculpting things not to your taste in an edible form that will be discarded. She could be an “artiste” who sculpted you ugly things that she expected you to display in her house.
After meeting so many people with certifiably crazy MILs who treated them horribly, I’ve come to love my MIL so much more, and to deal with her quirks and fact that her tastes are very different from mine. Sometimes my husband and I make a game of it after the fact for the “it could have been worse” for laughs. As in “it could have been worse, she might have put an actual shoe on the cake instead of a fondant one”, “it could have been worse, at least she didn’t insist on making our wedding cake” “at least it isn’t permanent art” etc etc. Sometimes our “it could have been worse”s go into the realm of totally crazy and hilarious, and it makes us laugh so hard.
Cakes are your MIL’s thing, and while it may drive you crazy, there are far, far worse things to have. Maybe make a list of all the things she does that are nice and not crazy to pull out from time to time. And then you can read cakewrecks and feel better that at least they aren’t that bad (and if they are cakewrecks level of bad, well, you’ll have some funny pictures to laugh at).
cbackson
“That’s some cake!”
I love this. It’s perfect.
Anonymous
From my perspective, these cakes are gifts from her to you. While a gift-giver should try to give a gift the receiver will appreciate, when that doesn’t happen, the receiver should nevertheless receive the gift gracefully, acknowledging the intention of the giver rather than the item itself. So you can, when opportunities arise, state your preferences, but if she shows up with a brightly colored car cake covered in fondant and hard as a brick, accept it graciously without negative comment. And then you can tell your guests that she made it for you in a way that makes clear you did not select it, if making sure they understand your aesthetic is really important to you. Take yourself off to the bakery now and then and pick up a slice of cake you like. Or ask a friend to “unexpectedly” show up with a cake, too.
Thoughts on Cakes
1. Are the cakes delicious?
If so, I’d say that your FMIL made this and offer everyone pieces and pieces to take home. They will be jelly that you have good and an FMIL who will make it for you.
2. Also: tell her son to marry me.
I would love a FMIL who bakes me cakes, especially if they are delicious (and the louder, the better). I can see the love in this. I hope that some day you can see this as a feature and not a bug.
la vie en bleu
actually she said in the original post the cakes don’t actually taste that great. Bc she is going for the look over the taste. Which I get, I have seen cakes like that, and this would make me sad, bc delicious cake is like my No. 1 Favorite Thing of All Life, so having to eat ‘meh’ tasting cakes for the rest of my life would be tough. :o(
Anonymous
Since you asked, just let her make the freaking cake. This isnt the battle. Unless you want it to be. But if you’re already worried about the aesthetics of your unborn children’s future birthday cakes, you’re going to have a lot of battles to try to win. Sounds harsh, but you asked for opinions, and I think you already know this response…
Anonattorney
What is an FMIL?
Meg Murry
Future Mother-in-law, I think. If not, I’ve answered the question totally wrong.
Cat
future mother in law
To respond to the OP, if FMIL will be giving you any type of heads-up that she will make a cake, ex. for a birthday, can you ask if you can pick out a design and color scheme together? Then you look interested and you may get a cake that’s not as brightly colored/cheesy.
kc
Let her make the cakes! First of all, no one judges your “aesthetic” based on your cakes at your bridal shower or baby shower or whatnot, so stop worrying about that right now. And if anyone does, they need to get a life and find something more interesting to think about. You can also just say “oh my MIL loves to make these cakes”. Second of all, slap a smile on your face and say “wow looks great! That must’ve taken you so long!”. If you don’t like the look of them, you can at least appreciate the craftmenship and time she spent making them.
marketingchic
I’d let her make them – with the exception of your wedding cake. She may actually not want to make that. My MIL made decorated cakes as a side business, but wedding cakes stressed her out and she avoided them. Also, by the time you have kids if you’re anything like me you’ll be so crazy busy that having anyone make any kind of cake for their parties will be a help.
Anne
From my own upbringing, my mother would be making the crazy-looking cakes (though edible and tasty) and my grandmother would be making the simple and elegant ones – and for birthday parties it was usually the crazy cakes being eaten by the kids and the elegant ones left over for the adults.
In the long run it is probably better to go with the flow. It sounds like it is two-fold – how they look and how they taste.
If she offers to make a cake, counter with flavours that you like, (“great, I was thinking of a yellow cake with chocolate buttercream” or “Great, I saw this recipe for chocolate cake that I was hoping could be the inside.”) and then stop with the worry over how it looks. For the majority of occasions that you listed, a wacky-looking cake, (as long as it tastes okay) won’t be an issue. (Or counter with a colour scheme for the event)
And let her do a couple – which will give you an excuse when the occasions come along where a clean, simple cake (only) is really important to you – and use the excuse that she does them regularly that you want to let her relax and not make them as often.
GirlFriday
This may sound odd, but you might think about doing a destination wedding. That way, your FMIL could make a cake for a shower or reception, and the wedding venue would handle your actual wedding cake. This removes the awkwardness of you having to address the issue. But like others have said: it’s not a big deal. It’s her jam and you should be gracious about accepting that. TBH, if this is the biggest issue you have with FMIL, you’re pretty lucky.
anon
I think you might need to let it go for most of these, except perhaps big events, where you can either tell her exactly what you want or tell her you have the cake covered. Or maybe you can use her skill and willingness to help to your advantage, and send her links to cakes you really like and challenge her to make them.
Snickety
I would STFU. Being an ass undermines your self-image of elegant rusticity.
Anonymous
It’s amazing how people let their self-image get in the way of relationships.
Godzilla
Seriously. CAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Unless there are food allergies/sensitivities that need to be accommodated, lady can make (and feed me) all the dang cakes.
ITDS
Just tell people who made the ugly cake. Obviously, say it’s wonderful that she is so generous with her time, etc. etc., but let her take all the “credit”. Then if people think the cake is ugly, they’ll know that’s not your fault. My rehearsal dinner was held at a venue that I thought was a little tacky, but I figured that everyone knows the rehearsal dinner is the grooms family’s show, and would no hold any tackiness against me. Everyone had a very good time, and we avoided any drama!
la vie en bleu
As far as the ‘aesthetics’ issue goes: Remember, she is going to be making these cakes for many years, more than once. It will be clear to everyone you know very quickly that this is Her Thing, the cakes are always from FMIL, not from you. No one will consider these cakes any reflection on you, they will be a reflection on her.
Let go of the cake thing, hon. To make up for it, focus on other things about your future life with your husband that FMIL is not interested in, and that you can do however you want, forever. The kid’s clothes? Cooking/regular food? The rest of the decor for all of these events? Family trips and vacations? Almost every Inlaw will meddle in some way, this is her way.
Momata
In your words – STFU. Your biggest problem with your FUTURE mother in law is that she loves you and your unborn children enough to take a useful hobby and devote her spare time towards making something that is universally tasty and delightful. Your problem with this is that you think other people (who? the as-yet unidentified parents of your unborn child’s unborn classmates?) will judge you because this universally tasty and delightful item doesn’t match the rest of your Pinterest board for your unborn child’s birthday party.
STFU, accept love in the (healthy and well-meaning) form in which it is given, grow more confidence in yourself so you don’t worry as much about how other people will perceive you, and enjoy the present – namely the fact that you are marrying into a family with a matriarch who loves you.
anon
Let her make a cake, and you make a cake too. I love dessert, and it would make me very sad to know that at all these events awful cake is being served. I say things like “oh, DS/DH/DD loves X, so if you’re making Y I’ll just bring along X too.”
When you know you're leaving...
I need advice or a pep talk. I’m a consultant, my husband is getting his PhD. We moved halfway across the country (to a high COL area) so my husband can attend this school. While there have been a lot of great things in the few years we’ve been here, we’ve agreed that once he gets his degree we will be moving from this area (none of our family is nearby, we’d like to eventually be able to afford a house, his job will likely not be here, etc.).
I’m looking for a pep talk in regards to my work situation (I’m in consulting, if that matters). Work for me has gone really well here. I’m progressing fast (expecting another promotion this summer!), have a great mentor, and there’s lots of work near us so I’m not traveling. My issue is that I’m having a hard time keeping my head in the game knowing that I will likely be leaving in 1.5 years. I have a lot of opportunities coming up for me, but in the back of my mind, I keep hesitating before taking advantage. For example – a senior manager in our office is transferring offices. As I’ve been the other primary person on these accounts, I am next in line to take over managing many of these accounts. Or, I recently had the chance to work in a new industry/area and really enjoyed it. That industry leader contacted me this week about my interest in doing additional work in that area. While I am, I know his long term goal is to establish a team in my area with experience in this industry, and I feel like I’m being dishonest with him knowing that will not be me.
Basically, I know I still need to take advantage of all of these things, but I guess I’m looking for advice on how to get over feeling like I’m being dishonest with them so I can really devote my energy to these awesome opportunities. I think I feel guilty for going along with all of it knowing I will likely be leaving in 1.5 years and I need to get over that.
Anonymous
1.5 years is a long time. A lot can happen between now and then. Dissertations get delayed. The academic job market is fickle, etc. Live the next few years of your career to the fullest, especially because it is going well. Those references and connections will help with a transition to another market later. No guilt here because of something you’re planning for a few years out.
HSAL
Glad I refreshed before commenting, because yes, all of this. If you were talking about six months out and had concrete plans, it might be a little different, but you just don’t know what will happen. All you owe them is to be an awesome employee right now.
When you know you're leaving...
I know you’re right (and I can see that/tell anyone else who’s not me the same thing!). I guess what I struggle with is when I have conversations and they go something along the lines of “Sarah (who specializes in area ABC) is looking to move away from the west coast so we want to make sure we still have a strong presence in ABC. Would you be interested in working on other accounts in ABC?”
And I would be/am interested. But if their goal is to get someone in this office/region experience with that, then I feel like I’m being dishonest because that isn’t me. And they would have to do this all over again in a year.
(when I say 1.5 years – I mean target defense is September 2016 with the possibility of extending as far as Dec 2016. But that’s really as late as it would be due to funding)
Anonymous
Then they will hire someone else then!! You aren’t irreplaceable.
When you know you're leaving...
Thanks for the reminder :)
I think I just need someone(s) to yell at me and remind me of all this. Tough love. Get your head back in the game….
Anonymous
You have no idea what you’ll be doing in 1.5 years. Maybe your husband won’t finish his doctorate. Lots of people don’t. Maybe he won’t find a job. Maybe yours will be so kick ass you won’t leave.
Live the life you have now.
Senior Attorney
This times a million. Don’t leave before you leave!!
Sarabeth
Is your husband planning an academic career? If so, you need to maximize your desirability as future job candidate. This is actually a crucial time for your career. When you are moving to the rural midwest for your husband’s job in two years, you want to be valuable enough that you can ask your company to work remotely (or get some equivalent deal form a new employer).
Meg Murry
Do you travel a lot currently as a consultant? If so, is there any reason that you couldn’t continue to do so once you move?
You also could win the lottery or get hit by a bus in the next 1.5 years. Don’t leave until you leave. At a minimum, think about it as you need to kick *ss at this job so you have things to put on your resume in the other market. Consider it paying your dues.
When you know you're leaving...
No, I rarely travel now (though that has more to do with where I am located – there is a ton of local work). I’m not opposed to traveling and I do think I could work out some plan to work remotely, at least for a little while. My husbands current dream job post-PhD would involve a fair amount of travel (not academic). And while it would be fine if we were both traveling, we would also like to start a family sometime (relatively) soon post-PhD.
I guess, while I think I could convince my company to keep me on and work remotely with some travel, I need to decide if that’s even something I WANT to do.
tesyaa
It sounds like you realize that you need a job to pay the bills for the next 18 months, but you don’t want a career.
When you know you're leaving...
No, I disagree with this so maybe I’m not expressing myself very well.
While many things may change in the next 1.5 years, staying here is not something we want to do (far away from family/friends and it just doesn’t make sense financially, despite this being a great place to live otherwise). I’m struggling because the career I have started here, and so far done well in, doesn’t seem to be compatible with leaving here. Part of that is type of work (leaving the Bay Area if I were in tech, or leaving Houston if I were in oil), and part of that is me wanting to balance family/career (I won’t be able to continue to work at the pace I am now when I’m remote, and that doesn’t even take into account any potential family commitments).
I think my issue is that while I want to be investing in my career for the next 18 months, I’m seeing it as a job now (which is hurting my motivation) because my career here will not transition easily into my career wherever we move to.
Anne
Lean In!!!!
Take the opportunities that are there now. As the others have said – you don’t know what the situation will be once your husband finishes his PHD. Maybe you decide to stay another year for a fellowship?
Do your best and follow-through, and you will also likely get good references and support when you do decide to make the move.
Katniss Everdeen
Lean in. I was in a similar position and kept thinking, Well, I’m not really here for good because as soon as DH finishes his PhD, we’ll move to a new city and that’s where my real life will begin. But guess what? DH’s dissertation stalled out. He decided he didn’t want to stay in academia. He went without funding for a few years while I was the single breadwinner, promising that he was going to finish any minute now. He’s still not done.
Life is full of little surprises like this. So don’t let your life and your career be contingent on his degree and his move. This is exactly the point in your career when you should lean in and be the most awesome worker of all time. The investment in your career now will pay off if the PhD goes exactly as planned. And if there are surprises – from your DH failing to finish to not being able to find a job – the investment in your career right now will be absolutely critical to your career going forward – which in turn will be critical to your family’s well being.
When you know you're leaving...
Thank you for this response. Your first sentence really sums up my attitude I think – I am seeing this phase of my life (and consequently this part of my career) as “separate” from the “rest” of my life/career which is making it hard for me to stay engaged right now.
I have discussed with my husband, obviously. He thankfully has been applying to/hearing back on job opportunities so is in the throws of all of that right now. I think that’s what made it a little more real for me recently – him being excited about the next phase in his life and me suddenly realizing it will be hard to leave, even if that is the best decision for us.
Maybe it’s self defense thing…don’t get too involved so it will be easier to leave! I’ve transferred for work before (to move here) and it sucked leaving that work/those people. I think knowing I will do that again (whenever it may be) is emotionally/mentally draining.
Katniss Everdeen
You don’t have to leave the people you like or the work you like. If you are valuable enough, they will figure out a way to help you stay. This is investment time, baby. Be awesome now. And then when you leave, they very well may say, “Hey, don’t go. Work for us part time from home. Take a long maternity leave and then do high-level analysis for us. Don’t travel, just do X.” The job you’re working in now might turn into your long term dream job.
Or not. But even if it doesn’t, doing a kick-ass job now will earn you a reputation you carry with you. It may be hard to see it right now. But the world is small and your reputation will last. You want your current bosses to be willing to call their old college buddy from New Home Town and say, “Hey! This woman is amazing. She could do anything. Hire her.”
anon
My best friend got a promotion and they even hired a new assistant for her all during the process of her looking for other jobs, and she was able to use her new position and salary as a negotiating point. You can’t feel guilty about improving yourself in your job. Also, I wouldn’t want to apply for another job and have them ask why you did not take a promotion.
Walnut
It’s important for you to believe that you will bring value to the company over the next 1.5 years that will outlast your expected tenure. Also, be a mentor to an employee who you think might be a good replacement. Use this as an opportunity to document well and build sustainable processes.
c
Directing my first 5K. What to serve post-race?
Susie
If it’s only 5k you don’t really need to refuel too much, I’d just do bananas cut into large chunks and oranges cut into slices. Plus water and gatorade.
roses
Agree with Susie on bananas and oranges, though I wouldn’t cut them up – too sticky. Small energy bars, like Larabars or kids’ Clif bars, might be good too.
Wildkitten
Bananas. Water.
Bry
Ladies, do you have any (very) easy dinner recipes with little to no processed food? I have been super busy, and have been eating fast food, etc. and just want to have an easy, healthy meal tonight after a long work week. Only one serving needed (my other half is out of town). Any suggestions are appreciated!
Cat
does pasta count as a processed food? one of my favorite quick dinners is pasta tossed with a little olive oil, fresh cherry tomatoes sliced in half, parsley, and a sprinkling of your favorite pasta cheese (mine is locatelli). Perfect light summery dish.
Anne
A bag of frozen mixed vegetables + a salmon fillet – my go to meal for quick food that is good for me.
I might add some gnocchi/pasta if I feel like I need something extra.
But generally a 500g bag of vegetables (either baked in the oven, in the wok in some olive oil or boiled, depending on the vegetables) plus a 125 g salmon fillet will fill me up.
I tend to add either hoisin wok sauce, a garlic sour cream sauce or a sweet chilli sauce if I have a craving for something extra on top – but browned butter could also work.
Breakfast for dinner
Saute some vegetables (kale, spinach, etc.) and then either poach or fry 2-3 eggs and put them on top of the veggies. Takes 10 minutes to cook and is healthy and delicious.
Or, if you are able to get to grocery store that sells tuna steaks, this recipe is super easy and delicious: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/sesame-seared-tuna/detail.aspx
roses
+1 to fried eggs! I serve them over asparagus rubbed in olive oil and salt roasted at 400 F for 20 mins. Pick up some fresh salsa on your way home and put on top. yum!
(Former) Clueless Summer
Quinoa bowls. Easy to scale to the size/servings you want. Do quinoa, chicken/protein (beans, tofu, whatever), whatever veggies you like and a homemade dressing/sauce. It doesn’t require any actual “cooking” just prep and chopping and assembling. Get a rotisserie or pre-cooked chicken breast if you are using chicken.
Themes you might like are Tex-Mex (black beans, corn, peppers, salsa, cheese), Greek (feta, olives, tomato, cucumber, chicken), buffalo chicken (hot sauce, blue cheese). The options are endless.
AR
Cherry tomatoes, those higher quality bite size mozzarella cheese balls from whole foods or the market (drain before putting into salad), and fresh basil. You can tear the basil in your hands and just throw everything in a bowl. Drizzle with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Crush some pepper over it and have the best, simple meal. If you want more filler, you can buy a nice bit of Italian bread, but usually the salad is enough.
L
Just a thought for the future. I have been in that boat and I decided to do a quick sprint through the grocery store. I went to TJs and picked up things that may not necessarily be my normal version of healthy, but were better than takeout/fast food. I’m a crazy person so I make it a game (I literally give myself 15 minutes) and race through the produce and frozen food aisles. Not the worst thing, not the best thing, but it does work.
For tonight, grab a chicken breast or two and put it in aluminum foil with a little bit of olive oil and herbs. Seal up the packet and bake. Boom, dinner.
Sparrow
If you eat meat, you could marinate some chicken, flank steak, etc. You can freeze the meat with the marinade and then just defrost in the fridge. A couple of the food blogs I follow (Nom Nom Paleontology and Iowa Girl Eats ) posted marinade recipes I’m going to try soon.
VicT
Can you grab a fresh (maybe organic) salad on your way home? Maybe add a little fresh warm bread if you want some carbs.
Chai
Does the rice in a cup count as processed? I usually throw that in a bowl with some protein, curry paste and veggies.
Also, using frozen broccoli florets as a base+protein+mozzarella+olive oil and some seasoning is pretty delicious. You can throw a sunny side up egg on top for extra savory-ness.
Anonymous
I buy prechopped veggies (broccoli, cauliflower, etc.) and roast them in the toaster oven with spices. While they’re roasting, I cook quinoa. Occasionally I’ll top the combo with a fried egg or add pesto. I cook enough to give myself leftovers for a few days.
Bry
These suggestions are excellent! Thank you so much!
A
If I don’t feel like cooking, I go to Whole Foods or get takeout from an organic vegan place.
Judge-y, I know
It saddens me that people do not understand what processed food is. I don’t know why I even care, but it makes me sad. If it doesn’t grow out of the ground or breathe, it’s processed. Pasta, cheese, bread = processed.
CMC
Mark Bittman’s fish and greens: http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/16/recipe-of-the-day-steamed-fish-on-kale/
It’s crazy adaptable. Any heartier greens (kale, chard, collards, etc.), any wine or beer (I usually get a decently large local beer and drink the rest with my meal), any fish fillet. So quick and easy and tasty.
la vie en bleu
Ho. Ly. Gah. This is amazing. Thank you so much for posting this! I never cook fish at home, and have been lazy about cooking lately in general, but this sounds absolutely f-ing incredible. This might become my new go-to.
Senior Attorney
+1
I love greens and have been looking for an easy fish recipe, so this is just perfect!! Thanks, CMC!
Coach Laura
Thanks for this! Looks like a new favorite.