Thursday’s Workwear Report: Essential Wrap Dress

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1. I had dinner with a former mentee last week (mentorship assigned via women lawyer group, so we work at different firms). It has been several months since we met. She broke down in tears multiple times over dinner. She is thinking about leaving her firm because of what sounds to me like a) general stress, b) stress from a practice area that makes up 10% of her workload but the firm has not re-assigned, and c) money. I think these are all good reasons to leave. I hated knowing she has been miserable. Is there anything I can do to support her? I am going to offer to be a reference, as I realized that she has only worked at one firm and may not know many others (she’s an associate whereas I’m a partner).

   1. The reference point is helpful but as far as coaching, what does she expect would be different at another firm? It’s unlikely that stress is going to decrease if switching to a firm with better pay… she’ll be starting over establishing her reputation.

      maybe coach her about what would be appealing to market herself for in-house positions? Depending on how senior she is, it may not be a pay cut. (I’m assuming she’s not in Biglaw given the desire for more money?)

      1. I don’t think that’s necessarily true re stress/pay. My current firm is way less stressful than my last firm and pays considerably more. Sometimes it’s a matter of who you work with/what area of law you practice (mainly who you work with). Sometimes the grass is greener.

         1. I agree with this, especially with smaller firms. My firm is less stressful, has a lower billable requirement, and pays me more than my previous firm.

         2. I think it depends 100% on who you precisely work for and how good or nutty their clients are. Firms don’t matter, but without changing firms, you really can’t change your immediate boss or work mix. You should always talk to as many people as possible who work there who do what you’d be doing so your not just churning firms. More $ helps but longevity matters more than short-term $ and you can’t just hop every year, so be cautious but going is often the fix.

         3. I’ve been at firms and a number of companies in-house and I agree that it absolutely matters who you work for in a firm, but it can be really hard to figure that out. I’ve found that even the most “nightmare” in-house scenarios are usually better than law firm though. My theory is that it’s just way less acceptable to have a law firm style culture inside a company.

         4. +1000, I switched to a small litigation boutique a few years ago (from gov’t) and it’s been life changing. I expected tons more stress and way more hours and it’s been neither. I do work more and am occasionally more stressed, but my colleagues are great and reasonable, and the $100K+ pay bump makes it more than worthwhile. There are unicorn firms out there, you just have to hunt.

      2. Not law (advertising), but I also find that the longer I stay somewhere the workload gets much higher over time. You prove yourself as a high performer, so you get slotted for the more difficult projects and harder-to-please clients. And you or are pulled in to help others/review work or mentor those new to the team much more heavily. Institutional knowledge means you are a go-to for all questions. When you’re new, even though it can be tough to get up to speed, I always find it’s easier to focus more closely on the actual job without all of the “invisible” labor. And, yes, I agree it’s 100 percent team. I would say on paper that my current job is way busier than my last one and I definitely work longer hours, but I feel way less stress. My last boss was the most mercurial person I’ve ever encountered. You never knew if he was going to praise or throw a tantrum when he viewed work product and the goal was constantly changing. The result was a very guarded team with a few of the favored throwing others (same level and beneath) under the bus constantly. No trust or support whatsoever, and a constant feeling of chaos as you would start and stop projects because there was always some new shiny object getting his attention. A big part of what made me realize it was time to go is that I didn’t want to pick up the bad behaviors. You become the culture if you stay too long.

         If I were giving a mentee advice, it would be to change circumstances when you find yourself at the point of tear all of the time. If it ends up not being the firm and the job itself, then that’s well worth learning in the process anyway.

         1. Not the OP but thank you for this. You’ve captured so much of how I’ve been feeling lately myself (“invisible” labor is the perfect description) and have been wondering whether I need to get out or not.

      3. The most important thing you can do is help her get the inside scoop on the work culture at other job opportunities and send emails to help her get interviews at the good ones.

   2. Can you help her wade through her new options as she goes through the interview process? Especially how to assess whether a potential new role will be better in the areas that are most problematic for her now, eg questions to ask in her interviews.

   3. Can you recommend firms that might be a better fit for her?

      Do you know partners in other firms who are looking for associates? I feel like everyone is looking for help these days, it would be awesome if you could keep her in mind the next time you’re at a networking event. Don’t give out her name of course but you can offer to make the introduction.

   4. I cried one time while getting coffee with my mentor. As some of you may remember, I was experiencing severe depression, my health was terrible due to a chronic illness, and I HATED my job. The two things that my mentor did that were most helpful is said “It’s OK to leave,” which I shouldn’t have needed someone to tell me but definitely did, and said that if I was ever needing support no matter what time, I could text or call them. My mental health was really, really bad and I think he was worried I was suicidal (which was a valid concern). Besides that, which I appreciated a lot although would never have taken him up on, just knowing I could reach out to someone who I didn’t work with but understood my job was huge.

      Things are much better now, for the record. Mental health is good, health is great, and I’m at the same org in a slightly different job and I love it.

2. Anyone want to help me shop for a Christmas gift for my mom? She’s early 60s, recently retired from a very demanding job, and enjoys reading, cooking, gardening (the real kind), and her new dog. Budget is $100

   1. Dog-related ideas: Look on Etsy and find someone who will make a handfelted tree ornament that looks like her new dog. If she lives somewhere cold, buy her a beanie hat with a built in, rechargeable headlight for taking the dog outside when it is dark (or a cap type hat or headlamp, if she lives in a warmer climate.). Buy a dog collar that has her phone number on the collar itself, rather than using a tag that could come off.

      1. For dog-walking, I’d get both her and the dog Noxgear lighted vests.

         1. +1 and a headlamp. Nothing’s worse than trying to find a lost turd in the cold and dark.

            1. reading comp fail. Sorry anon at 9:08!

         2. Love this idea, would add a nice houseplant to the list.

         3. As someone who hates driving at night because I worry about poorly-lit dog walkers and joggers, can I just say I love those Noxgear vests. They really are super visible.

   2. She sounds a lot like my mom! This year, I’m giving her a gardening gift basket with a new pair of gloves, fertilizer, garden scissors, a journal, and a couple of gardening magazines. All consumable or replacements for things that eventually wear out.

   3. I bought my mom a “garden kneeler” from Gardener’s Supply to make it easier on her knees and back plus a little tool pouch designed to hang on it.

   4. If you live in the Baltimore/Philly/DC/NJ/DE vicinity (check their delivery area), a Bloombox gift card.

   5. Just ordered custom dog socks for someone — they put photos of the dog on the socks. Looked like a fun gift. And I second the light for dog walks but suggest a light belt, such as the One80 belt. Lights the entire area around you to avoid falls and to be seen.

      1. The one80 looks great, but it’s sold out.

         1. I bought mine at RoadRunnerSports and looks like they still have them in stock. It is literally one of the best things I have bought for myself in the last year.

            1. Thank you. Ordered.

      2. A few years ago, my BFF’s husband bought her those socks. It was the best laugh we had that day, since when she put them on and they were stretched out, the dog picture stretched into some strange odd blob with eyes. Great idea, but the execution was hilariously off.

         1. Still feels like a fun gift — and with my family, any laugh at the holidays will be helpful to survive!

         2. I highly recommend Divvy for photo socks. The picture translates perfectly and unless it’s on the heel or something, nothing is distorted.

   6. Might be a little late, but an ornament or custom portrait of the doggy.

   7. I’d go consumables — good oil, vinegar etc.

   8. Cute dog bed from the foggy dog is high on my list

      1. https://www.thefoggydog.com/collections/dog-beds

   9. Your mom sounds a lot like me, except that up I am not yet fully retired. I’ve asked for the new Louise Penny/Hilary Clinton thriller and Oh William by Elizabeth’s Strout.

   10. The RuffWear harness/coat is $80 and for my small dog, it’s great- don’t have to get him into his harness and then wrestle him into a coat over top, which he hates, nor do I have to deal with the issue of threading the harness through the hole in the coat. I just clip the leash onto the coat and go. I didn’t buy ours full price, but I bought one full price for my parents’ dog since I love ours so much.

3. If you inherit money, how much do you think about the deceased person’s wishes when you decide what to do with it?

   My basic needs are all met, and I am inheriting some money from my grandfather. We were close, but we didn’t share all the same values, and he didn’t know much about my life especially toward the end when he couldn’t process well. A shopping spree is out, but what about surgery that my cat needs? Replenishing my emergency fund? Work done on my house? Interested in how others think about this.

   1. Why invent problems? It’s yours. Use it how you like. When my grandfather left me money I bought an art print that reminded me of him, and used the remaining 95% to pay off student loans.

      1. Yes, this. With the inherited money we got from my grandmother we paid off DH’s student loans bc that’s what made the most sense to us.

         1. Yup. My husband recently inherited a little from his mother and we put it away for kiddo’s college because that’s where the need was. He did not think at all about what his mother would have wanted him to do with the money. He and his siblings did consider her wishes with regard to the distribution of tangible property.

   2. I think that if your grandfather loved you enough to leave you some money, then he wanted you to be safe, secure, well housed and have companionship going into the future, so any of the things you mentioned would be suitable for a way to spend or save the money. I don’t think it particularly matters that he didn’t share the same values or know/comprehend much about your life.

      1. I totally agree with this. The hope in passing it on is that it makes your life better in some way. How that happens is up to you and everything you listed sounds like a great use.

   3. I don’t see what would be wrong with any of this, including a shopping spree. Is there something about these uses of the money that you feel your grandfather would deeply disapprove of? Because they seem very normal to me.

      As far as taking his wishes into account, I think what matters is how much that matters to YOU. To pick a random example from your list, will you feel so terrible about using his money for your cat’s surgery that you will feel guilty about it and about your cat for a long time? Not worth it, probably, unless you want to do the work to look at where that guilt is coming from and move past it.

      I’d have a hard time using my grandpa’s very hard-earned money for an utterly frivolous and outlandish purchase (to me, something like a multi-thousand-dollar item of clothing), because it would be so very very far from who he was. But at the same time, I don’t think there would be anything morally wrong with doing so.

   4. I recently inherited some money from my grandpa, too. I don’t have it earmarked for anything yet, but I have found myself wondering how I can use it in a way that honors him. And by that same token, I really don’t think he would expect that of me and he gave me the money without stipulations. I’m guessing it’s the same for you. Use it as you see fit, and give your grandpa a silent thank you for making it possible.

   5. Why not a shopping spree? Who cares? The money is yours.

   6. I inherited some from my grandmother recently. Not a major amount, about $15k. My mom has made it very clear that grandma would have wanted us to invest in our homes for some slew of reasons. I think a little of that is my mom projecting / being controlling but we’re about to renovate our master suite so we’ll just put it there. I think that without that kind of direction from my mom we would have just done whatever we wanted with it. I give you permission to do the same!

   7. The money is yours to do as you see fit. That said, if your basic needs are taken care of, I like the idea of spending a small amount of it on something that would honor him- taking a trip if he loved to travel, surgery for your cat if he loved animals (you should probably do this one no matter what, but do it explicitly with his money if you think he’d like that), work on the house if he liked home improvement, a donation to a cause both you and he thought were important, a splurge on books if he liked reading, or whatever else makes sense to you. I inherited 10k from my grandmother when I was a broke grad student, but my basic needs were met at that point, so I used it to start investing in my Roth IRA, which I never could have done otherwise on my <$20k income. It wasn't exciting, but it's really paid off (this was during recession so it's up 4-5x since then) and I think she'd like that.

   8. I don’t think about this at all. I’ve made a point to simplify my emotional health, and this feels like invented labor.

      1. +1 for me, death is death and the person who left me the money is not harmed in any way by me doing what I want with it. If they wanted it spent a certain way, they should have put those stipulations in the will (if that’s even possible or enforceable which I doubt).

   9. I wouldn’t think of it at all.

   10. This doesn’t matter at all. Do whatever you want with the money.

       I inherited a considerable sum from a parent who hated me — parent left no will, listed my sibling as the beneficiary on everything, but forgot that they had a life insurance policy that they must have picked a default option on, which listed “descendants.” Sibling did the right thing and split life insurance with me. Do I care that parent didn’t want me to get the money? No. Do I care that parent told me to kill myself after I didn’t get into an Ivy, and said, repeatedly, that my going to college is pointless because I would never amount to anything? No. By your logic, I should have done what, exactly, with the money? Instead, I used it to pay off student loans for the education that parent refused to co-sign for. I’m saving the rest for some blow out trips when I feel safe enough to travel again.

       1. In the extremely unlikely chance that I inherit anything from my long estranged and very conservative pro-“life” parents, I intend to donate to Planned Parenthood.

          1. Ooooh, I love the idea of a spite bequest! Always loved the story of Hetty Green’s descendants who gave a building to Wellesley in her name.

       2. Anon at 9:55, I am so sorry you had to grow up with such a terrible parent. I hope you are happy now; you certainly have earned some peace of mind.

          1. Thanks! Definitely wasn’t fun.

   11. I’ve said before around here that part of the thing with gift giving is that you release control over how the recipient will put it to use. Despite the particularly sentimental nature of an inheritance, I don’t think it is actually very different. Use it how it will benefit you most, think of your grandfather with gratitude, and move on. (I’m sorry for your loss.)

   12. Yep, don’t invent problems. It’s yours. Do whatever.

   13. My wife received a windfall from an aunt who loved travel. While we’re saving most of it, we have some of it earmarked for a couple trips. But use it in a way that makes the most sense to you.

   14. I inherited about $5k from my grandmother, unexpectedly, when she died when I was 26. She always wore (probably costume, or certainly not expensive) pearl necklaces. I spent $2k on a fancy pearl necklace and used the rest toward student loans. I wear the necklace often and think of her.

       If I inherit anything from my still living grandmother (94 and awesome! I hope she lives to 100 and I inherit nothing!), I am also planning to buy jewelry, or to have some of her jewelry made into a new piece for me. She’s a jewelry junkie and I would never buy that sort of thing for myself. She knows about this plan and has already labeled pieces with large stones for me and my sister.

       We stand to inherit a fairly sizeable amount of money from DH’s side of the family. We’ve talked it over and plan to use a portion for college [or possibly grad school] for our 4 kids. DH’s parents saved hard when he was young so he could go wherever he wanted for college and we know they would support this. Anything beyond that will go toward either fancier family vacations or a vacation home (amount dependent). Spending time together is the best gift they could give us. They’d always talked about buying a second home and never pulled the trigger so we are hoping that’s a way to use their time and savings.

       If my dad were to die early and pass on money, we’d get a boat. It’s what he would want but never want to tell us. We’d also probably siphon some of it off to help my less well off siblings out financially, which is also what he would do if he were still alive. He’d never divide his estate any different, but he would smile knowing we helped them out.

   15. I inherited about $5k from my grandmother, unexpectedly, when she died when I was 26. She always wore (probably costume, or certainly not expensive) pearl necklaces. I spent $2k on a fancy pearl necklace and used the rest toward student loans. I wear the necklace often and think of her.

       If I inherit anything from my still living grandmother (94 and awesome! I hope she lives to 100 and I inherit nothing!), I am also planning to buy jewelry, or to have some of her jewelry made into a new piece for me. She’s a jewelry junkie and I would never buy that sort of thing for myself. She knows about this plan and has already labeled pieces with large stones for me and my sister.

       When DH’s grandmother (96!) dies, anything he gets will likely be used to spoil him/ the children. That is what she is most happy doing. Literally, each year she sends cash and tells us to buy the kids “that toy they really want but you don’t want them to have.”

       We stand to inherit a fairly sizeable amount of money from DH’s side of the family. We’ve talked it over and plan to use a portion for college [or possibly grad school] for our 4 kids. DH’s parents saved hard when he was young so he could go wherever he wanted for college and we know they would support this. Anything beyond that will go toward either fancier family vacations or a vacation home (amount dependent). Spending time together is the best gift they could give us. They’d always talked about buying a second home and never pulled the trigger so we are hoping that’s a way to use their time and savings.

       If my dad were to die early and pass on money, we’d get a boat. It’s what he would want but never want to tell us. We’d also probably siphon some of it off to help my less well off siblings out financially, which is also what he would do if he were still alive. He’d never divide his estate any different, but he would smile knowing we helped them out.

   16. My grandfather passed last year. We barely knew each other at all. The reason my sister and I got the inheritance is that our dad passed away when we were 8. The inheritance was based on my grandfather’s USPS pension and SSI. Those are usually passed down to the spouse and if that person has passed, then children. My sister and I split what would have been my dad’s share. All I really know is that my grandfather was a fairly simple person. Give him a white russian and a nice chair to sit in and he was fine. So, my sister and I each put the money to basic needs stuff. I think I put mine towards my emergency fund and to pay off some old debt. My sister used it to pay rent/live on (this was mid pandemic and my sister is a bartender.). I did not, however, even really think about him when making this choice. I am only now looking back realizing how he’d think of it.

       My step father is terminal and I know that there will be some money when he passes. I’ll likely use it for a trip and to keep building my emergency fund. Oh, and a tattoo in his honor. (A smaller version of one he has. I already have a tattoo in honor of my dad).

       So basically, use it how you see fit. I think everything you mentioned is perfectly fine. I hope your kitty is OK!

   17. I went with spending a bit in a way that honored him and then investing the rest.

   18. I think about the deceased person’s wishes a lot honestly. My mom died a few years ago with almost nothing left, but my siblings and I got about $30k each from the sale of her home/ our childhood home. It’s not life changing money for us, sadly, the way it would have been for her. My husband and I have put it aside to split between our children when they graduate from college, which I think my Mom would have appreciated.

   19. My grandmother didn’t specifically designate money towards any purpose, but she let us know (really, gave us permission since we’re all very frugal) to spend part of the inheritance on a family reunion trip somewhere special. So, one year after her death, her kids and grandkids from four different places met up for a week in Maui. We would have felt guilty spending money on that kind of extravagance – it was nice to know we were doing something she wanted for us.

   20. I don’t. Spend it the way you’d like to.

4. Note: I’ve got a call in to the doctor to discuss but… Has anyone had heart pain before? I wouldn’t describe it as chest pain, but more like my heart muscle hurts. No other symptoms – no tightness in the chest, no radiating pain, no fever, breathing just fine, no nausea. For maybe the past 24 hours I’ve felt it. A few times its been more intense for a few seconds but then subsides. Still, it is like I can feel it in there and more so when I lean forward. Doesn’t feel like a pectoral muscles strain, more internal.

   1. Different people perceive pain differently, and my personal experience is that two things have felt like the “heart pain” you are describing:

      1) Heart burn – I get heart burn very rarely, and the first time it happened it felt my heart was giving up. I told this story to my parents once, and apparently my father has the same reaction, and the first time it happened he actually went to the hospital. For me, It didn’t feel anything like acid/indigestion/etc. It only lasted a few hours though, so that would be a weird explanation for you.

      2) Some sort of rib/breast bone injury – shortly after exercising, I developed a serious, throbbing pain in my “heart.” However, it was obviously worse with movement and when I gently pushed on my chest/breastbone, which I swear to god was spongy (usually it is quite rigid on me). This injury, which I didn’t have diagnosed at the time due to lack of insurance, healed over 6-8 weeks. At the time, even though I’m sure the pain wasn’t in my heart, that was the best way to describe it.

   2. Go to the emergency room.

      1. +1

         1. +2
            Heart attacks look different in women (chest/back pain/tightness is common), and the fastest way to rule out is an EKG.

            1. An ECG can only rule *in* ACS, not rule it out.

   3. Different people perceive pain differently, and my personal experience is that two things have felt like the “heart pain” you are describing:

      1) Heart burn – I get heart burn very rarely, and the first time it happened it felt my heart was giving up. I told this story to my parents once, and apparently my father has the same reaction, and the first time it happened he actually went to the hospital. For me, It didn’t feel anything like acid/indigestion/etc. It only lasted a few hours though, so that would be a weird explanation for you.

      2) Some sort of rib/breast bone injury – shortly after exercising, I developed a serious, throbbing pain in my “heart.” However, it was obviously worse with movement and when I gently pushed on my chest/breastbone, which I swear to god was spongy (usually it is quite rigid on me). This injury, which I didn’t have diagnosed at the time due to lack of insurance, healed over 6-8 weeks. At the time, even though I’m sure the pain wasn’t in my heart, that was the best way to describe it.

   4. I had this when my gallstones were particularly bad. Haven’t had it since my cholecystectomy.

      1. Same. I actually called 911 and the EMT s came, but it turned out it was that my gallbladder needed to be removed.

   5. Not sure of your age / family history, but women’s cardiac events present very different from how they classically present in men. If you take an aspirin and symptoms improve, I would lean cardiac and insist on medical evaluation (and tell them about the aspirin / symptoms).

      1. You need to follow up with your doctor. Aspirin for CV disease is more of preventative thing (inhibits platelet aggregation and plaque formation). It is not a one time treatment that would impact symptom of ACS.

         1. Agree — absolutely not a treatment. But if you are in pain, treat the pain and note what you did when you get some real help. If you are 22, maybe this isn’t cardiac (but there was a gold medalist skater who had a MCI and died in his 20s due to family history, so you never know but a real doctor can tell you).

      2. People really need to refrain from giving medical advice about possibly acute situations. Talk to your doctor/go to the ED is the only answer. If someone is actually a medical professional they realize that they are in no position to give medical advice with minimal facts. It is totally irresponsible for non-medical people to give medical advice and can be potentially dangerous.

         1. As a person with a heart condition (arrhythmia) that arose suddenly and without warning, and has completely changed my life since I was diagnosed, I completely agree. Hearts are not something to mess with. The pain could be nothing or it could be something very serious. If the OP is worried about going to the ER, urgent care is an option for this – in our experience, when urgent care refers someone to the ER there’s much less rigamarole with the insurance company questioning the need for the ER visit. The only people qualified to advise the OP about what this is or what to do about it are medical professionals.

         2. She asked a bunch of juris doctors.

            1. Who likely would be very cautious and restrained about giving out legal advice in this format but think nothing of passing along medical advice.

   6. Don’t discount anxiety. I went to the ER a couple of year ago with chest pain that felt kind of like that. They did all the tests and nothing was wrong. I think it was a combination of anxiety and the cold and dry weather had irritated my airways, contributing to general chest pain and being a little short of breath.

      If I have chest pain that I notice more when I’m doing nothing but basically goes away when I’m doing something engaging, I tend to think it’s anxiety.

      But if you do feel really bad and the chest pain is accompanied by any sort of shortness of breath or dizziness or arm pain, you should probably get checked out quickly.

   7. Have you had COVID? What you describe has been a lingering COVID effect for one of my friends.

      1. No COVID (that I know of) but that is interesting.

   8. Internal pain can be difficult to localize to the actual source, and there isn’t any way to know that your pain is heart pain. You just call it chest pain or left sided chest pain or upper back pain on the left etc.. when you talk with your doctor. Your job is to tell the doc where the pain is, the character of it (dull, sharp, brief, persistent etc), what makes it better or worse, if you’ve ever had it before, and any other accompanying symptoms.

   9. I had an episode of precordial catch at the beginning of the year that freaked me out a little. It doesn’t sound exactly like what you’re describing, but I had pain that varied in intensity for about 48 hours and was worse when I breathed deeply or moved in a certain way.

      1. I had this often as a kid! It felt so weird and was hard to describe. Kind of like a bubble of pain when I breathed in sometimes, which would then “pop” and I’d feel fine again. Haven’t had it in years. OP, if it’s less pain and more off feeling— could it be palpitations?

   10. obviously, go see a doc. Today.

       But while that is in flight, I had acute chest pain when I started my first job. My health insurance didn’t kick in for 30 days and I was *freaking out*. I almost went to the ER. I thought maybe it was heartburn. idk.

       turns out it was a panic attack.

   11. Go the ER right now, and tell them you have chest pain.

   12. OMG.

       Don’t listen to all the “I had some chest pain once posts”.

       Go to the ER. Seriously.

       Women (I’m assuming, apologize if it’complex) have different symptoms than men. Women of Color have different symptoms. Don’t assume that because you don’t tick the “white male of a certain age, height, weight, lifestyle” box you couldn’t have a serious issue.

       Go to the ER.

5. I’ve noticed a pattern that’s cropped up over the past few years. The fall season is extremely busy for me personally and professionally. Lots of solo parenting, on top of my busiest work season. Every year. I hate it, but it is what it is unless I suddenly change jobs and DH does, too. I always make it through, albeit feeling stressed and anxious the whole way. Then as soon as Thanksgiving is over, I suddenly feel depressed and not very functional. Like I finally have some downtime at work to explore new projects, do some professional development, and catch up on all the things I haven’t been able to do during the previous 4-5 months. And I cannot force myself do it. I’ve been very quiet and lethargic in the evenings, to the point that it’s freaking out DH. I’ve blown off my morning workouts for a week now and because I can’t get out of bed. My thoughts are pretty dark. I don’t know if it’s a stress hangover, a touch of seasonal depression, or something else, but it’s pretty miserable. I probably just throw in the towel and take way more vacation time in December, but there’s always something competing for my attention.

   1. So, I have a similar dynamic, and I am changing jobs. The summer is when childcare is most up in the air and is my absolute busiest season at work, and then early fall there is literally nothing to do and I don’t like how unmotivated I am because I am simply so exhausted from the summer and white-knuckling through my life. I found a new position that has a much more even workload and am taking a very small pay cut to do so, but I hated that for basically 8 months of the year my life felt out of my own control. Not sure if that’s an option for you but I finally said I had enough.

      1. Believe me, I have considered it, simply because this is part of the job and is very unlikely to change. Unfortunately, I am in higher ed, so I don’t know that switching departments would provide much relief. I’m at the stage in life where I highly value the benefits I have now, which are pretty much unmatchable elsewhere. So I muddle through, every year. And every year, I kick myself for making this choice.

   2. That sounds like classic depression to me. But also: give yourself a break. Why the rush to do new projects or professional development? It’s okay to slow down after your busiest work season.

   3. i like the term ‘stress hangover’ to me it sounds like you were operating at 300% and are so exhausted/burnt out from it that you are trying to recover

      1. I agree about the stress hangover. Out of an abundance of caution if schedule an actual dr’s visit if I were you just to make sure they don’t have concerns over a heart issue. And can you ditch the workouts for a little while and just go out for a daily walk? It doesn’t have to be a power walk if you’re not up for it, you can just go for a 20 minute stroll. If that sounds like too much, try for a 10 minute stroll.

         1. You’re probably right that I need to focus on gentle workouts instead of my usual running/strength. Which is a form of stress relief, but the fact that I can’t make myself do it right now is probably telling that I need to slow it down for a bit.

   4. Since you say this has happened a few years in a row, I would say it’s likely a combination of the “hangover” effect of the adrenaline letdown and seasonal depression.

      For the “hangover” cure, I would say that’s all about doing what you’ve been doing: extra rest, blowing off a few workouts, take some time off, etc. Your body does need to heal from the stress its been under, and it does that through rest. But don’t let that go on for too terribly long – you probably workout frequently because it makes you feel good, so try to work those back into your day soon. Sounds like it’s been around two weeks already, give it one more and try to get back to it. I have also read that the adrenaline letdown can lead to your immune system being less than optimal, so you may be more susceptible to infections than otherwise. Do what you can in that arena (eat your vegetables, avoid crowds, etc.).

      For the seasonal depression, have you ever used a SAD lamp? I finally got one last year and I think it made a difference. Also, planning a trip to a warmer climate always helps me feel better since I have something to look forward to. If these feelings linger beyond New Years (when has it gone away in the past?), it’s definitely time to see your doctor about depression. And if the dark thoughts get darker, do not delay! Go see your doctor or therapist now.

      1. Good advice — thank you. I haven’t invested in a SAD lamp yet. Maybe I should; these feelings often last through early January, with a brief reprieve during the holiday excitement.

         1. Do it! They really work, and were a popular Xmas gift in my family several years back. Some folks who don’t respond as well will respond to medication. So don’t let this go another season. Talk to your doctor, get the lamp and get better!

   5. If you can’t get out of bed for days on end, that is not normal. Go to your doctor. You might hear from others here that it’s all fine and everyone gets stressed but that sounds really, really extreme to me.

      1. I don’t mean I can’t literally get out of bed (I’m at work as we speak), but I can’t force myself to get up at my usual time and have been sleeping in an extra hour, thus blowing off my workout.

   6. You’ve been running on all cylinders. Even machines break down from overuse, and humans are not machines. You need to rest, and your body is telling you that. Swap intense workouts for walks. Read fluffy books. Watch some non-serious TV (I recommend Centaurworld … just trust me).

      Your line about “my thoughts are pretty dark” indicates that there could be some depression as well as the exhaustion. See if your PCP can refer you to someone (I know it’s easier said than done). But overall please be kind to yourself and rest.

      1. THIS. You’ve been operating on adrenaline for months now. You can’t switch that off and immediately feel energetic and creative about catching up, learning new things, taking on new projects, etc. You HAVE to rest and actually let yourself have enough space to get refreshed. Lower your standards waaaaaaaay down and give your body, mind, and emotions the space they are demanding. (Do take care of seeing someone about those dark thoughts, though.)

         1. +2! You need rest, and it sounds like you have pushed so far past that point that your body is forcing the issue. You’re in a deficit after a stressful period and you need to give yourself the physical and mental rest to rebuild. Take this month to give yourself as much recovery time as possible. The nice things about recognizing this pattern is that you can start planning for December to be a restful time. I think there’s nothing wrong with having those peak times (assuming that you find that the trade offs are worth it) but you have to give yourself recovery time afterwards or else you will burn out.

   7. Go to a doctor! You don’t have to live like this.

      1. +1

   8. This may sound a little woo-woo, but bear with me: I believe that going into this period of the year before the solstice, where the days just keep getting shorter and darker, causes me to go into a kind of mental and emotional hibernation. I’ve always felt that it may tie back in some evolutionary way – for my Nordic ancestors, this was the time of the year when people probably slept a lot because of the days being so short, and also had to conserve their energy so they wouldn’t run out of food before spring. I take Vitamin D and I try to get outside time during the day, which helps. But after many years of the same cycle, I also kind of lean into it, and for 3-4 weeks give myself grace to sleep more, skip workouts, and say “no” to more things. If I start feeling depressed or start thinking about self-harm, then I call my doctor. But I noticed that giving myself time in November and December to basically be a bear – hole up at home, do all the hygge things, and not force myself to stay on the same routine as in brighter parts of the year, helped a lot. By New Year’s I’m through “hibernation” and feel better. So, consider if leaning into how you’re feeling (without allowing yourself to sink into serious depression) may help. We all push ourselves so much, for long periods of time. It’s okay to lean back out of that for awhile and rest, especially during this time of the year when much of nature is also going to sleep for awhile.

      1. +1 this is exactly what I do. I also noticed that right after Christmas, every year, I’d have a major ‘stress dump’ as I call it, where I’d be so rundown, fatigued, and mentally beat, that I’d actually feel sick. So now, I just lean in and hibernate between November and December.

   9. I’m a little like this in my work habits. I need a deadline and lots of pressure to perform my best. I am sadly not great at being productive when I have time to catch up with no real deadlines. I don’t love this about myself but it’s always been true.

   10. Seasonal depression! Get a proper 10 000 lux lamp as a minimum.

6. Cycling people–any suggestions for a good light for a bike? It’s for my parents for winter rides on their beach cruiser bikes for rides around their very flat beach retirement town, so doesn’t need to be the most rugged thing in the world, but I do want something bright and easy to charge and/or change the battery.

   1. Do they need the light in order to see, or to be seen?
      USB chargeable is a must-have. They’re common now and so much better than having to swap out batteries.
      For a rear light, you can’t go wrong with the Cygolite Hotshot Pro.
      For a front light, if it’s to be seen, the Cygolite Hotrod Front 110 USB is a great choice.
      If they need it in order to see, you’re going to get up in price – these are the expensive lights. You won’t find any bargains that are any good. Nite Rider makes the best ones, but Cygolite are also good.
      One more thing that really helps to be seen is tires with reflective strips. I have them on my commuter bike and you can see that thing from space!

      1. More to be seen than to see, though a little bit to see (though there’s really nothing to run into other than the deer and maybe an occasional gator)

      2. These are the ones I have and I like them just fine!

   2. I would go to the REI website and get the brightest light with both flashing and solid mode that you can find. The lights should be run on flash mode during the day – you’d be surprised how much it increases visibility to cars. You need both front and rear lights. I got one from there a few years ago that had a rubber strap for putting it on the handlebars quickly, which I really liked because I could take the light off easily for charging or to put in my purse.

      1. Don’t get the brightest ones if they are riding in a normally lit environment at night. What will happen with the brightest light is that they totally blind everyone they meet, and that can be very dangerous.

   3. Not a cyclist but needed a light. I just went to my local bike shop and they were so helpful. That might be the easiest option.

   4. I don’t know what it’s called, but I have a very simple push-button light that you thread through the spokes of your wheel, and then when the wheel is turning it makes it look like your whole wheel is a circle of light. It was super cheap at REI, I think under $10 (though it’s been a few years) and makes you far more visible from the side. You should definitely get them front and rear lights too, because it’s not particularly bright, but especially if there will be intersections, and people maybe turning into them, it’s nice to be visible from the side.

   5. Don’t get the brightest light unless they are riding in total darkness. If there are street lights or houses that light up, they don’t need lights that will help a mountain biker not crash into wilderness, they need lights that make sure that they will be seen, which means lower lux, blinking lights.

      Fairly low lux (unless they TRULY need illumination on the path), blinking, and USB charging. Clip on is great.

      For what you describe, something like the Knog plus will be great.

   6. I would consider a Lumos helmet, which has integrated USB rechargeable LED lights. They are bright but not overpowering, and since they are mounted on the helmet you never leave home without them. The high placement on your head makes them more visible.

7. Hello wise Hive, a few years ago, a person on this site recommended a book for a friend that had lost her mom. Does anyone remember the name of that book? Alternatively, any recs for a book to help with grief & loss. One of my good friends suddenly lost her mom this week.

   1. About a year after I lost my mom (suddenly, like your friend), I read The Dead Moms Club by Kate Spencer. I highly recommend it. And, you are a great friend. You didn’t ask this but the best thing you can do for her is to show up. Call her. Share memories of her mom if you knew her. Many of my friends were MIA and that compounded the feeling of horrible loss for me.

   2. Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman. It’s lovely.

      Motherless Daughters is a classic but it’s been three years for me and I’m still not ready to open the copy I inherited from my mother whose own mother died too soon.

      1. Motherless Daughters is fantastic, but super-raw. I went through a period where just looking at it brought tears. The author also has another, Motherless Mothers, if your friend has children.

         If you can, try to reach out to your friend for every milestone in the first year (and beyond if you can). First Christmas, first New Year’s, First birthday (your friend’s and her mom’s), death anniversary, etc. It’s so so hard.

   3. The Loss That Is Forever might be helpful. It was given to me (and highly recommended by someone I trust), but I haven’t opened it yet. We all have to do these things on our own schedules.

   4. My condolences to her. I lost my mom when I was 18. It was expected, as she had a super aggressive strain of breast cancer, but no less devastating. I highly recommend Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. And there are several FB groups she can join for support. One is named Motherless Daughters, after the book. Thank you for being a good friend to her during this horrible time.

   5. not specific to losing your mom, but I lost my mom in high school and read the Year of Magical Thinking later and found it insightful.

8. There was a good essay a few years back about a guy who didn’t see his divorce coming. I can’t remember enough of it to find it via search, but the gist was that he lists all these times where he didn’t see his wife’s needs or didn’t fully participate in his family, and kept repeating how no one could have seen it coming. Does this ring a bell for anyone else?

   1. Maybe you’re thinking of “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink”?

      1. This is definitely it

      2. It’s such a sad essay because I see this dynamic play out among so many couples. Sometimes the woman sucks it up and keeps taking it for the team, and other times she is just DONE and the dude claims to be blindsided, when, no, she’s been trying to get you to be a full participant in life all along.

         1. Right, and it’s so frustrating to the woman because there’s no winning play for her with a guy like this: If she speaks up, she’s a shrew and a nag.

            1. If/when my sister and BIL divorce, this essay completely describes the reasons why. I want to wring his neck. Good guy in many respects but not such a great partner, it turns out

      3. Yes!!! Thank you! And yes, anon at 11:09, it’s particularly apt to a situation for a couple of my friends right now. I think it may help to read this and recognize the pattern isn’t a new one or a unique one.

      4. I love this essay so much. It exactly describes one of my past relationships.

      5. I posted the article from Washingtonian below, about women who have to pay alimony to their failure-to-launch husbands. So many similarities.

      6. Oh yeah. That one. He is such a dickhe@d, and I feel for his former wife so, so much.

9. Something I learned this week: Elizabeth Holmes was a Theta (and some of her sorority sisters are going to her trial as what one news paper described as her “glossy posse”). I recall that she wasn’t at Stanford for very long and sorority rush is sort of one of the last things I would have had her doing.

   Focusing on this b/c the Ghislaine Maxwell trial makes me either stabby or depressed.

   1. One more reason I am not sad that sorority disowned me for nonpayment due to shoddy and incorrect recordkeeping. The press I read is that these women showed up to court but refused to give their names to the press. That kind of fits the level of actual kinship there is in a sorority.

      1. I think it matters which sorority chapter specifically (vs one sorority nationwide or one school). My sorority produced a lot of doctors, lawyers, colonels and one brigadier general from my chapter, so I am sort of a lesser light in that crowd (and yet very happy to have been in that crowd, which always challenged me to try harder and to do all I was capable of doing).

         1. Oh, my chapter produced plenty of doctors, lawyers, professors, etc. We had higher grades and higher levels of participation at a school where seemingly everyone goes on to law school, med school, or B-school after. I just don’t care about being associated with a sorority in my adult life. I am friends with some of them still and proud of who those friends are. I just don’t see why these women would find affinity with a fraudster just because she wore the same letters for a semester 15 years ago.

      2. If I had sent a daughter to Stanford and this is how she was eventually known, I’d want my $ back. Glossy posse is not where I want to end up if I’m Stanford material. Or a felon. Thetas at my college were solid.

      3. IIRC she dropped out after a year or so, maybe 10+ years ago, so how do you even reach out and make that ask (and do you do it in your baritone voice) to people you barely knew and IMO likely didn’t keep up with? Like “Hi, can you come to my felony trial with me?” IDK. Maybe they are secret besties. Maybe it is like Delta Nu. “Hair and outfit tips for the nursing mom while on trial” is a Webex I’d actually clear my calendar for.

   2. It’s so weird how obsessed you are with this

      1. It’s a national news story. There are multiple podcasts and news sources following the trial, so it seems like a perfectly normal story to follow if it fits your interests. The sorority aspect reminds me of celebrity gossip, which plenty of functional adults think is interesting to follow.

         1. I’m late to item but I’m completely obsessed with the Theranos story. How did so many rich and powerful men get taken in so easily? Why did no one listen to the woman scientist at Stanford Med who told people from the beginning that Holmes’s idea wouldn’t work?? How did Walgreens and Safeway fall for this??

            I watched the documentary and read the book. Haven’t listened to the podcast yet, but I very well might!

            1. Same. I have listened to almost every episode to the podcast and I recommend it!

      2. If she’s weird, I’m weird too because I have been tracking the story since John Carreyrou’s first article about the company came out. I actually think it’s weird to do what you did – try to shame people for having an interest in something, especially something that’s being reported on nearly daily by national media.

   3. Okay BUT! Did anyone listen to The Dropout podcast this week? There was a reference of some questioning of Elizabeth where the prosecution brought up she had another “love interest” while she was supposedly in this hyper-controlling relationship with Sunny Balwani. I am obsessed with this detail but can’t find any more information about it! How could she have been completely under Sunny’s thumb, with him controlling her every move, and still had time/space/bandwidth to hook up with someone else? The mind reels.

      1. Oh, wow. I’m still reeling from their cringey love texts. OK, tiger . . . Remind me never to send more than the heart emoji. Seriously though, I am so annoyed that she’s playing the woman card and throwing him under the bus. IDK what role he really had in all this, but I am feeling bad for him. He can’t tote around and nurse a baby and have soft flowing mom hair going in his favor with the jury.

         1. He seems like an a*hole and treated his employees terribly. So I don’t feel all that sorry for him, but yeah, I hate her defense generally. I get that she is desperate and willing to try anything, but it is super cringey.

         2. Listening to the podcast this week I remembered that tweet about “I would plead guilty to crimes I hadn’t even committed before let someone read my texts out loud in a courtroom” – because, yes, abso-freakin’-lutely. Those were so cringe. I read somewhere she “appeared implacable” as they were being read out – how? I would have been crawling under my chair.

      2. To me, he seems more like an overbearing coach than an abusive partner. Did he give her a bunch of harsh advice about how to improve her corporate presence and optimize her performance? Sure. (Seems like she needed it.) Was he in a position of influence as a wealthy, older, experienced businessman with whom she was in both a professional and a romantic relationship? Yup. Dis he conspire with her to defraud people? Evidence indicates they were in it together. Did she continue to have free will and actual control of the company? It sure seems like it.

10. I can’t tell anyone this in real life but DH and I are TTC, and my period is one day late. I’m also not experiencing the usual menstrual symptoms that I get right before my period. Home pregnancy test is negative. Is it super extra to get a blood pregnancy test done? I just want to know ASAP!

    1. I would be surprised if you are able to get a blood test. My OB wouldn’t even see me until I was 10 weeks.

       1. My GP offered to order one for me, so I definitely can get it done if I want.

       2. Same my OB doesn’t see pregnant women until 10 weeks unless you’ve had a previous loss or some other reason to believe the pregnancy is high risk. You can’t just ‘get’ a blood pregnancy test, you need a doctor to give you one and they won’t when your period is one day late.

    2. Wait until about 2:30 and see if you are inexplicably crawl-into-bed tired. Early sign for me when it was not testable.

    3. Crossing my fingers for you.

       I think you just have to wait a few days and test again if you don’t get your period. At home tests are not super reliable one day after a missed period and getting a blood test is going to be a hassle. I don’t know how regular you are, but one day late could be anything.

    4. I hate to say it, but it might be a chemical pregnancy. Normally a good over the counter test will note it by the time your period is late, especially if you’re usually regular. Try again tomorrow morning, a blood test is a bit far.

       1. Agree, this has happened to me.

       2. +2, I had a chemical pregnancy and the lines got progressively lighter, so that’s how I knew. I got my period a few days later. Keeping fingers crossed for you!

    5. Yeah it is.

       1. +1. Wait until tomorrow and test again. I was always under the impression that most over the counter tests will come back positive if you’re pregnant by the time your period is actually late. (This is not the case if you test before you are due for your period.)

          1. This. For one of my pregnancies, the line was ever so faint. So wait a day and retest first thing. But TNB, it’s like this for 9 months with one thing or another if waiting is a challenge (my sibling: absolutely; me: wired differently).

    6. I would take a different brand’s pregnancy test. You can replicate first morning conditions by holding it for 6 hours.

    7. Crossing my fingers for you, but no, your doctor is not going to do a blood test at this time. Test again in a few days. I’m sorry, I know the wait is BRUTAL.

    8. I couldn’t get a blood test until 8 weeks, but the signs for me were less about not having usual menstrual symptoms and more new symptoms I did not usually suffer, specifically breast tenderness (and I mean OWWWWW) and wicked nausea.

       Hopefully we will hear a report back from you that you and your husband have good news :)

    9. Wishing you luck! The wait is the worst. How many DPO are you? I ovulate super late so the first day of my period was not a great benchmark.

    10. I didn’t get a blood test until after I did a urine test in the doctor’s office; the urine test confirmed the pregnancy and the blood test was a quantitative hcg measurement.

        Wait until tomorrow morning. I mean this kindly: pregnancy requires a LOT of patience (in my experience, more than parenting). It is a long wait for ultrasounds, a long wait for blood work (e.g., genetic testing/NIPT), lots of waiting in the doctor’s office, lots of waiting in the third trimester for it to be over already, lots of waiting in the hospital, a long wait between appointments, a long wait to hear the heart beat. Pregnancy is a long slog, and if you are asking for blood work the day after your period is “due” (how regular are you anyway??), you’re going to be in for a rough ride.

        1. OP- Thanks Anon, this is really good advice.

           I appreciate everyone’s thoughts this is all really helpful!

    11. You’re not pregnant, I’m sorry. Unless you majorly miscalculated when you ovulated.

        1. Huh? How can you know this?

           1. Because a home pregnancy test is accurate if your period is late.

           2. Because a home pregnancy test would be positive by now. For most people they’re positive 10-11 days after ovulation if you’re pregnant and for most people the day after when your period is supposed To start is way after 10-11 DPO. Unless OP has a very, very short luteal phase, in which case she’s probably got other things to worry about when it comes to TTC.

        2. Sorry, no. There are many many stories (I have a few, from people I know IRL) where the first few tests were negative and the positives didn’t show up until later. Heck, I have one friend who didn’t get a positive test until three weeks after her period was due! Please don’t make statements like this when you have no logical or factual basis to make them, thanks so much.

           1. Your friends were testing too early and/or not keep tracking of their ovulation then. I suggest looking at r/tryingforababy if this all is gobbledygook to you.

              1. LOL as a menopausal woman I don’t think I’ll be checking that out; my days of worrying about getting pregnant are long behind me. But hey, thanks for the suggestion! I will suggest that some folks may be spending too much time there, if they feel qualified to offer medical advice to an anonymous poster on the Internet who gave minimal details about their situation. Reading a subreddit obsessively doesn’t make you an OB/GYN.

           2. Sweetie, this is all science and logic. Your friends were testing too early or and/not keeping track of when they ovulated. You’re the one spreading misinformation here.

              1. Some of them weren’t keeping track of their ovulation because not everyone needs to, to get pregnant. Some people just pull the goalie and see what happens; not everyone has to micromanage TTC. Sorry if you’re in that situation (genuinely) but not everyone is.

              2. I was 43 days after my last period (when my longest gap previously had been 35 days, as I tracked religiously), tested negative, then the next day tested positive with what ended up being twins (no fertility treatment intervention in case you’re wondering). Not all periods are 28-days clockwork.

           3. If they tested positive that late they probably ovulated after their expected period. Home tests are pretty good these days and in most cases will detect before a missed period, even the ones that don’t advertise it.

           4. Your friends were testing too early. Home pregnancy tests are stunningly accurate if you test on or after the day your period is due. I had a pregnancy scare once when I was much younger, and my OB told me that the odds of a home pregnancy test giving you a false negative after your period is due are <1/1000. Before your period is due it's common to get a negative but actually be pregnant, but (unfortunately, in this case but fortunately for younger me) if you have missed your period and are still testing negative the odds of you being pregnant are vanishingly low.

              1. And ovulation isn’t relevant if you have regular menstrual cycles. The issue for testing is whether or not you’ve missed your period yet, not when/whether you ovulated. I ovulate super late, which I learned when I eventually tried to get pregnant.

        3. Anon are you psychic or something..?

           1. Nah, I just know more about the science than apparently a lot of people here.

              1. This is not a science test – it’s the comments section of a women’s workwear blog. Maybe OP or the commenter’s friend above did miscalculate when they ovulated (pretty sure many MANY women give birth each year without having a freaking clue as to when they ovulate). That doesn’t mean you have to be rude about it.

              2. And apparently feel you’re not getting enough credit for it and are quite salty about that! Not really a great look for you TBH.

                 If you have actual medical qualifications to be advising the OP, great. If you don’t, and you’ve just read a lot of stuff on the Internet and that’s what you’re speaking from? I feel the same way about that as I do about Jennie McCarthy saying she was an expert on autism because she did a lot of Googling.

              3. It’s not rude to tell someone the truth – she didn’t even use harsh language! Grow a thicker skin.

              4. Not the Anon at 12:53 but completely agree with her. This stuff isn’t all that complicated, despite “my coworker’s friend’s college roommate’s badminton teammate totally tested negative 37 dpo and was actually pregnant” stories.

                 Ovulate, conceive, implant, hcg gets high enough to be delectable by a urine test. It’s entirely possible that the OP’s hcg levels are just a skotch under what is detectable by a urine test, but that would resolve itself tomorrow morning, or Saturday at the latest.

    12. OP, you’re getting a lot of really bad advice here. I’d suggest looking at the TFAB subreddit, it’s based on real, validated medical information. Not old wives tales and what happened to somebody’s friend’s cousin.

    13. OP here, thanks everyone! I needed my expectations tempered. Its so nice to be able to discuss this with you all. I will post an update when I know either way :)

        1. Best of luck to you. Even if it is a chemical pregnancy (I hate that phrase), I’ve read that you’re more fertile the cycle after. Our 3 month old is my anecdotal “proof.” It’s a lot of waiting, but my heart is with you.

11. I am curious about big law entry level jobs. I know they come with a high salary and the expectation of well over 40 hours/week, but how do law firms get around the non-exempt mandatory overtime pay thing?

    I’m in a different field and we have to pay our entry level professionals overtime because they truly do not have autonomy over their work. How is this different than entry level law work?

    1. There are other exemptions that might apply, included highly compensated individuals and professional employees.

       1. I’m an actuary. We are professional employees and still have to classify entry level employees as non exempt.

          1. You can still be a professional without meeting the professional (or other) exemptions under the FLSA. It really depends on their job duties and whether their role meets the FLSA exempt criteria.

          2. I’m not sure if you’re more interested in the answer or more interested in debating. If the former, the Department of Labor has excellent fact sheets on their website detailing requirements for all the exemptions.

    2. Because lawyers are professionals and professionals are exempt from this FLSA requirement.

       1. To add, first years may be entry level but they are expected to work independently without close supervision. Sure their work is always reviewed before it goes anywhere but still.

       2. This. Lawyers are exempt (sadly).

    3. Because these entry level associates are exempt. They are paid a salary, not by the hour.

       1. So are other professionals – paid a salary, but they are considered non-exempt by the IRS simply because they are entry level.

          1. This is false. Perhaps in certain professions it’s common to classify entry level professionals as non-exempt but most professionals in the US are salaried and exempt. I earn $50k in a low level marketing job, have basically no autonomy over my work, and am classified as exempt. At my employer any professional above the salary limit (~$36k I think?) is exempt and it’s pretty much only clerical and janitorial employees who are hourly and classified as non-exempt. All my friends were also exempt in their first jobs straight out of college at lots of different employers. I do not know anyone who’s had a non-exempt job except in things like retail that don’t require a college degree.

             1. It is true and a real example. Entry level professional employees at my last company were ruled to be non-exempt because they had no autonomy over their work. We then had issues with people taking an effective pay cut when they got promoted from entry level to an exempt level. Fortune 50 company.

    4. Lawyers are specifically exempted from overtime.

    5. In no way shape or form are first year associates non-exempt.

    6. I have never been non-exempt, even as an entry-level employee.

12. Nice dress. But I’m seeing a price of $98,
    Not $79. PLITK

13. I could use some book suggestions for my husband. He likes both fiction and nonfiction. Fiction authors he enjoys our Dave Eggers and Amor Towles. His interests include mountain climbing and cycling.

    1. Has he read The Lincoln Highway yet?

       1. Good thought, but yes.

    2. Mountaineering and outdoor books – The World Beneath Their Feet by Scott Ellsworth, The Emerald Mile by Kevin Fedarko, Savage Summit by Jennifer Jordan (story of the first women to climb K2 and what happened), Annapurna: A Woman’s Place by Arlene Blum.

       A general great non-fiction read set in the Rockies – Chasing the Thrill: Obsession, Death, and Glory in America’s Most Extraordinary Treasure Hunt. I couldn’t put it down.

       1. Great suggestions. Thank you.

    3. If he likes reading about climbing and history, I really liked Into the Silence by Wade Davis, which is about WWI and the Mallory expedition to Everest. It’s definitely not light reading, but I found pretty interesting. Other nonfiction I liked this year included Under a White Sky (about climate), The Code Breaker (about CRISPR gene editing), Fulfillment (about Amazon), and Empire of Pain (about the Sackler family and oxycontin). Most of the fiction I read is written by and about women, so not sure my recs there would be very helpful if he’s more into books written by men. I did like the new Jonathan Franzen book, though I found the male characters constantly infuriating.

       1. OP here. I loved the new Jonathan Franzen, but it’s too character focused for him. It is going to be a trilogy!

       2. Not OP but these books sound like great buys for my dad. Thank you!

    4. Miracle in the Andes or one of the other books covering that plane crash.

    5. Books I’m getting my DH. All non-fiction. For cycling, The Road to San Donato by Robert Cocuzzo. For biography, Hero of Two World (LaFayette). For mountain climbing, The Winter Army by Maurice Isserman.

    6. Has he read “The Glass Hotel” (or “Station Eleven”)? They’re very different than Amor Towles, but I appreciated the beauty of the prose in both Mandel and Towles’ work.

       1. I love Station 11. The tv adaptation is coming out in a couple weeks and I really hope it’s good!

          1. I just started re-reading it last night (third time through) in anticipation of the HBO version. Love it so much!

             Also, OP, if he’s a mountain climber I’m assuming he’s read “Into Thin Air,” if not it’s a must.

    7. I have similar taste to your husband.

       Given his interests, I assume he’s already read Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. If not, get that. But virtually all of Krakauer’s books are really excellent even if not directly related to his interests. Under the Banner of God and Missoula were both fantastic.

       Also, I highly recommend Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. Check it out.

       1. 100% echo the Krakauer reco! Into the Wild has a lot of references to his climbing experiences woven into the narrative, IIRC.

    8. For fiction, has he read Gold by Cris Cleave?
       Unrelated to his specific interests but because he likes Amor Towles, I’d recommend Moonglow by Michael Chabon and Life After Life by Kate Atkinson. Like Amor Towles’ books, they’re both historical fiction, but I wouldn’t classify them as genre fiction. The writing is great, but mostly straightforward rather than lyrical. There’s a lot of focus on characters and the relationships between them, with a slower paced plot. There’s a tone that’s similar to Towles’s books–almost wistful.

    9. If he is into pro cycling, Chasing the Badger is brilliant. Phil Gaimon’s Draft Animals is hilarious but he may have already read it.

       Climbing: In the Hall of the Mountain King (about a famous climbing disaster) is excellent.

       General adventure: The White Rock (Hugh Thomson, about exploration of Inca ruins in Peru); Patrick Leigh Fermor’s books about walking across Europe before WWII (given that he likes Amor Towles, he might really enjoy these); any Paul Theroux (The Pillars of Hercules is one of my faves).

       Other older nonfiction he might enjoy: My War Gone By, I Miss it So (can’t remember the author – brilliant book about being a war correspondent in the 1990s in the Balkans and Chechnya); The Guns of August (Barbara Tuchman – an account of the first month of WWI); The Snow Leopard (Peter Mathiessen – about an expedition to look for snow leopards and also grief).

       1. Is “In the Hall of the Mountain King” the right title? Nothing’s coming up on Google.

       2. Great recommendations! I am going to read some of these now!

    10. Has he read the new Anthony Doerr book, Cloud Cuckoo Land? I loved it, and think it’s similar to The Lincoln Highway in that both are sprawling stories told from multiple perspectives.

        1. Or Sidecountry by John Branch – a collection of nonfiction stories. One is about an avalanche and some skiers, one is about rock climbers at the Dawn Wall.

14. Any lawyers have any last minute tips for 1L exams?

    1. Read the questions carefully.

       1. +1,000,000,000,000. I screwed up an evidence exam royally because I misread one key fact.

    2. Get your hands on as many prior tests from that professor as possible and actually take them as practice. Read and re-read relevant chapters in a solid treatise- supplement your outlines with stuff from the treatise where appropriate. Some tests are a typing contest because there are so many issues to spot. Don’t try to write perfectly when you start – get all your ideas out and leave enough time at the end to polish. Better to have a couple typos but spot all the issues than a perfectly written answer that misses six issues. Of course ideally it should have zero typos and catch all the issues ..

       1. I had professors who literally re-used old exams verbatim

    3. Say *everything*. Don’t assume that your professor knows you understand the underlying legal issues. For instance, in a civ pro exam, make sure to lay out the elements of personal jurisdiction and exactly how they are satisfied.

    4. Practice your school’s version of IRAC (Issue/Rule/Analysis/Conclusion, called different things at different schools). Good exam answers are in this format.

       1. This — good topic sentences and clearly organized answers will go a long way.

       2. I think this is the #1 thing to do. And state all of the rules, even if that particular rule isn’t applicable. In your analysis section, you would say why it does or doesn’t apply. For example, to go off of the personal jurisdiction example, in your rules section, set out the rules for general and specific jurisdiction, even if it is obvious that general doesn’t apply. In the analysis section, one sentence saying “general jurisdiction is not likely to apply here because..” will do it. But then you show you know all the rules.

          1. THIS. This is excellent advice.

    5. The best advice that has already been stated is to practice on old exams. Profs reuse issues and just tweak their fact patterns, so you often start to see the same issue crop up every couple of years on past exams. If the same issue is present on almost all the past exams, it will probably be on your exam and you should look for it in the fact patterns.

       If you come across an issue that implicates a rule that has an exception and the facts indicate the possibility that the exception might apply, specify briefly how if the exception applies, the result would be different-be sure to include both analyses. Alternatively, you can acknowledge the exception and state why it does apply here and possibly pick up some points that way.

       1. This–IRAC plus branching what-ifs.

    6. Watch your time. Yes, give a complete answer, using IRAC. But make sure you leave yourself time to answer every question. Bringing your answer on Question 1 up half a letter grade does not help you if you don’t get to Question 4 at all.

    7. Last minute, last minute? Yes. Get enough sleep, eat properly, workout (assuming you are someone who does this in regular times), and do whatever else you normally do to relax/destress. Last minute cramming isn’t going to be useful. What you know right now, is what you know.

       Otherwise, I agree with the other posters if you are a week or so out.

    8. If you are asked to pick an answer argue both sides anyway. State exactly what the counter argument would be and why it’s wrong. Seems simple but i would have failed first year if someone hadn’t explained this.

    9. Issue spot and write an outline of you answer with all the issues in it. If you start to run out of time write in all the issues even if you don’t have time to elaborate.

    10. Ex-law professor here!

        -Read all the exam questions first.
        -Decide how much time you’re going to spend on each question and stick to it.
        -Type out an outline of your answer to each one before you start wordsmithing – I gave credit if the answer was in there substantively even if it was outline format and not complete sentences.

    11. Stop reading this and study.

        1. Haha fair enough! I’ve been studying about 8 hours a day for a week (and obviously before then, but not all day). Sometimes you need a brain break!

           1. Might be time for a break then! Can you go for a walk? The night before the exam, make yourself a good dinner and go to bed at your normal time. Go out for a beer or libation of your choice when the exam is over. You’re going to do great!

    12. Use headings and subheadings to organize your answers. In your IRAC, actually state “the issue is X” and “the applicable rules are XYZ.” Being clear in your organization helps your prof when grading. Profs are more friendly with points when they don’t have to go digging to find everything.

    13. This is basic but you do need to use hornbooks. Do not rely just on what was covered in the textbook and in class. I made that mistake fall of 1L year and did not do well on exams. Started using hot books thereafter.

    14. This year’s 1Ls are so much luckier than last year, where many had an entirely remote 1L experience. You have been immersed and you’ve got this. FIRAC— never forget it. For each exam, look at the relative value of each question or portion and calculate and write down at what time you need to finish your answer and move on. Take a minute to reread the question, think where you are headed before you start writing. Do not drink too much caffeine. Best wishes!

15. WWYD:
    DH and I want to give my mom a Christmas gift of some kind of financially helpful amount. She works part time, is nearing retirement age, and does not have a lot of money (how/when/where she will retire is a big open question). Last year, in 2020, since she lives fairly locally, she jumped in and saved our bacon by watching our kids when the schools were closed (she was still working part time remotely but used a lot of her down time to help us out). In addition to our thanks, we also gave her periodic cash– we would have been paying daycare, so of course we can pay you! This year, kids are back to school/daycare and she does a lot of date night sitting, or swinging by to take a kid to an activity, but it’s much more in the grandmotherly way vs a stand-in for child care.

    She has never said anything, but I know she is having trouble making ends meet, and DH and I are in a position to help with a one-time (or limited time) gift. We don’t really want this to be a thing that is expected/planned for each year.

    Here are some ideas we’ve considered–open to feedback or possibly other ideas:

    Option 1: generous Christmas gift for a year of salon visits in gift card form (this is something she prioritizes and we’d hate to see her have to give it up)
    Option 2: some kind of card [separate from our holiday card!] with $500 (?) or so in grocery gift cards and a note to the extent of “thanks for having the kids over so much this year, sorry they ate you out of house and home!”
    Option 3: Our town has some people that spread cheer by dropping anonymous cash or gift cards in random mailboxes around town. I honestly have no idea who does it or why, but it’s a thing and it’s not at all focused on people that need it financially (though many are– perhaps it’s charity under the cloak of “look, everyone gets it!”). We were considering just leaving a large amount of cash/gift card in her mailbox under this pretext so she can chalk it up to the magic of the season.

    Thoughts?

    1. Since you are wanting to specifically do this as a holiday gift, I’d go with #1, since that feels like an actual gift. #2 feels like something to do on a regular basis along with giving her funds as a recurring thank you.

       #3 feels really weird, no reason for her not to know it’s from you. Even if this is a “thing” in your area, a larger than typical sum will feel strange and may defeat the purpose (like her paying it forward to others, or making her feel uncomfortable).

    2. Given the facts, Option 1

    3. I would do both #1 and #2. Give her the salon visits, and then regularly give her cash or grocery cards as an ongoing thank you each time she helps you out or watches the kids.

       #3 is weird and patronizing.

    4. I think your mom, who has done a lot of babysitting and childcare, is an adult. And you should treat her with respect. Give her a normal gift. Also give her a large cash gift, and say that it is a token of appreciation for all the hard work she has done for your family this year.

    5. I would give her cash and let her prioritize where to spend it. To avoid it becoming something that your mom starts to count on, I’d just say we had a really good year this year to do X, and you’ve been so helpful I’m happy that I can share this time.

    6. Option 1, and periodically buy groceries as a thank you for the child care.

    7. Option 1
       Also your post comes across quite strangely to me. You indicate your mom is having a hard time financially now, is getting older, and has no clear plan for retirement. Since it sounds like you are personally close and she has a lot of interaction with your family, it leaves the reader wondering why your post is all about distancing from this identified problem/kinda putting your mom in a sad light. Is your mom bad with money? Do you have your own financial pressures? Is your DH opposed to offering her support.
       If you are close with your mom it might be worth an open conversation first between you & DH about what is possible and then with your mom about her needs.

       1. I read it as OP and her husband have decided to help OP’s mom out with a few hundred dollars this one time but are not able and/or willing to assume an ongoing obligation. Which is fine. OP is not responsible for supporting her mother.

          I have a sort of similar situation. My husband and I handle it by making larger holiday gifts of items my mom really wants or would enjoy but can’t or won’t buy for herself. That’s why I think the salon gift card option is the best for OP.

16. Time to replace my 1990s kitchen appliances (fridge/freezer, stove, microwave, and dishwasher) that came with my condo. What are your favorite brands? Any you’d avoid?

    1. Whatever you can get your hands on. Selection is severely limited by the supply chain issues.

    2. Whatever you can find that fits. Don’t forget to measure your doorways. We had to take a door off its hinges to even fit new appliances into our condo and most new appliances are much larger than older ones, so it can be hard to find ones that fit into the old spaces, especially with supply chain issues.

    3. This depends on your aesthetic, budget, home value and what/ how often you cook. If you’re replacing everything perhaps you’d be willing to wait a few weeks for the things you want. My cousin is an appliance salesperson and I recently bought from him for a major remodel. Things were delayed but not indefinitely and it was totally worth it to wait a few weeks to get what I wanted. Fwiw, I like my thermador range much more than my dads wolf so far. Also, I learned that most high end dishwashers, like my thermador, are actually just Bosch with a different name. I got hooked on a sub zero fridge at my last house. Call me crazy but I think the food stays fresher longer.

    4. Good luck. I’ve been waiting on an oven since mid-September. We went from 5-6 weeks out, to 5-6 weeks out, to 2-3 weeks out. Maybe I’ll have it in February?

    5. For a style upgrade, I like Big Chill – they have a retro and classic line that add a lot of design to a kitchen. You have to order it but if your appliances aren’t dead, you can probably wait.

    6. No suggestions, but avoid Samsung (many people will not work on Samsung) and Kitchen Aid (quality has become terrible).

    7. I’ve never had a good experience with Samsung appliances. Good experiences with Bosch, GE (and GE Profile), Whirlpool and LG. No idea what’s available currently given supply chain shortages.

       1. Yes, I had GE Profile in my last house and honestly they were just as good as the fancy Thermador in current house and a lot cheaper to fix if anything happened (and something is always happening, it seems — repair guy is there for dishwasher even as I type).

          1. We have Thermador appliances in our current house and I am significantly underwhelmed. I liked our Frigidaire Gallery stuff in our last house much better, and the double wall oven and the gas cooktop lasted almost 20 years with no issues whatsoever (we did have to replace the fridge after 16 years, but given the hard water in our area, that’s a pretty good run).

       2. +1 to GE

          Also, I bought a new stove this summer and was able to get the exact GE model I wanted without waiting at all. I know there a ton of supply chain issues, but it’s still worth shopping around because you could get lucky!

    8. I remodeled my condo last year and ended up with Beko appliances, a brand I hadn’t previously heard of, and have been very impressed and happy with everything. The supply chain crisis was already in full swing and my local appliance store received a Beko shipment the day before my visit, so I snapped up a Labor Day sale package with fridge (French door-style), slide-in range, dishwasher, and microwave. Beko is a Turkish brand and very popular in Europe. Everything looks high-end and is working perfectly a year in with heavy use (I cook a lot for a single person). The only issue I’ve had so far is difficulty getting replacement filters for the water dispenser. The local appliance store seems to be the only place I can find them (not even Amazon!), so I’m planning to put in an order for enough filters to last several years. All that said, if you do look at Beko or any other non-standard brand, I would make sure there’s a place nearby that will service them. Likely not an issue in a major city, but it definitely could be a headache in some places.

    9. Bosch and Siemens.

17. Favorite chic puffers? I’d like something a little more interesting than the basic black type I’ve worn for years.

18. I’m looking for beautiful holiday cards of the non-family-photo-centric variety. Etsy has some great ones but they won’t ship in time. Would prefer to avoid Amazon. Any other ideas?

    Yes, I know I waited way too long ?

    1. If you have a Barnes and Noble nearby, I have found beautiful cards there. I tend to use them for coworkers and others who don’t need my family’s mug shot, hahaha. Also check out Rifle Paper Co. and 1Canoe2.

       1. Yes Barnes and Noble has some beautiful cards!

    2. MOMA Store. Pricey but really great cards.

    3. Your local paper store! I got some beautiful, unique cards this year.

    4. If you have a local stationary shop they might have something by a local artist. Or check out a local artist directly. My town has lots of these, with cute local flavor, and that’s what I send.

    5. A few years back I grabbed some at a Christmas market up the street that were made by a local artist.

    6. Local bookstore or gift shop or museum

    7. send New Year cards – give yourself an extra week :)

    8. Another vote for your local stationery shop. Also, I normally address and mail my cards the first or second week of December. This year I will be mailing them December 22 (hopefully). So you’re still ahead of me!

    9. Minted has nice ones plus they will address the envelopes for you at no extra charge (although the cards are pricey). https://www.minted.com/non-photo-holiday-cards

19. Crane Stationery

20. I thought this crowd would be interested:

    https://www.washingtonian.com/2021/12/03/more-and-more-women-are-paying-alimony-to-failure-to-launch-ex-husbands-and-theyre-really-really-not-happy-about-it/

    “ “I’LL NEVER FORGET THE MOMENT I REALIZED—WOW, I AM MAKING MORE MONEY NOW AND I’M STILL THE WIFE! I’M STILL DOING ALL THE STAY-AT-HOME-MOM STUFF! I’M BREAKING MY NECK TO GET TO THE GROCERY STORE BEFORE THE NANNY HAS TO GET HER BUS SO I CAN PICK UP GROCERIES, DRY CLEANING, AND DO ERRANDS.”

    1. This + his health insurance is stellar and cheap is a reason to always have two working spouses and just hire fireable help that you won’t owe alimony to. But OMG don’t have kids with man babies.

       1. I commented above that the dishes/divorce essay exactly described a past relationship of mine. The one good thing to come of it was a zero tolerance policy for man babies. It was a good learning experience that has served me well.

    2. I’m worried this is going to happen to my friend who married a manbaby. His income is $0 (SAHD now), but even when he did work, he never made more than $25K and has zero ambition. He has a niche interest (think becoming a barnacle inspector for the state Department of Agriculture) that is hard to get into and that he has minimal qualifications for and he won’t try for anything else. Even if he did land one of those magic positions (doubtful since he seems to think that just showing up for the interview is all it takes), they pay very, very poorly and always will. My friend’s income is stable, but not higher than $50K, and if they ever did get divorced, it would be really, really hard to support him and maintain a decent quality of life.

    3. The whole way we think about alimony is stupid. “Standard tow high someone has become accustomed” punishes high earners for being marries to someone who could never achieve that on their own. However, if you think about evenly splitting the risks and hardships of marriage, it comes out differently. Her career takes a it because she stayed home with the kids? Split up the harm to her financial standing. She married a man child who is no worse off after the divorce than before the marriage? Not one red cent.

       1. In the olden days, a stay-home wife might have actively contributed to the husband’s career advancement, which would mean that she’d be entitled to a lot more than just “splitting up the harm to her financial standing.” My MIL managed a huge house and property where my FIL, first an executive and then a lobbyist, brought professional contacts for her to entertain. She routinely hosted big dinners, parties, and other events that helped him get ahead. Supporting his career was literally her full-time job. When they split, she was absolutely entitled to more than just half of the hit to her previous earning power that decades out of the work force had caused.

          1. Exactly. The old-school SAHW’s made it possible for the men to have the big careers without ever giving one single thought to anything else. I remember one of my law school professors talking about being a young single female lawyer in the 60s, working crazy hours on a big case, and she was barely able to keep herself fed and clothed, while all the other lawyers on her team had wives at home making sure they had meals and dry cleaning and everything ready to go at all times.

       2. +1. I think the article downplays the contributions to the household angle. Alimony in a situation where one spouse earned all the money, but was able to work at that level because they had a spouse who picked up all the household and childcare duties? Makes a lot of sense. The second spouse enabled the high-earning spouse to earn that money.

          Alimony where one spouse earned all the money, but also handled all the household and childcare duties? Makes much less sense – the second spouse in that case didn’t contribute (much) to the household and in fact probably created more burden than they alleviated.

          I get that this is subjective, primarily because we so greatly devalue household and childcare duties, but we’ve had numerous studies for years about the third shift and emotional labor. It can’t be that radical to start factoring that into alimony discussions.

          1. I think the challenge is that in the context of divorce you are likely to get VASTLY different perspectives from the spouses on how household responsibilities were allocated. For example, wife may say “he was a SAHD but I still was the one who belonged to the PTA, volunteered at the school, and taught the kids’ Sunday school.”

             Dad may say, “Yeah, but all of that was her choice. I’m the one who got the kids up every morning, got them dressed; made breakfast, lunch, and dinner; and took them to school. I did the essential stuff – none of what she did was essential to the kids’ care and she could have easily NOT done it.”

             To be completely honest, I see a LOT of women here complain that their husbands are lazy because they don’t take on emotional labor, but a lot of that emotional labor is stuff that we do to our selves. Our kids would actually be fine without it.

          2. There is an assumption that kids are involved. I’ve seen alimony handed out when the couple didn’t have kids together. What economic harm did you suffer for the marriage?

             If your spouse’s job moves them across the country and you leave your job for it, shpukdnt your spouse compensate you if the marriage falls apart?

    4. And this is exactly why yesterday’s poster was smart and not a snob.

       1. Loooool

       2. Agreed.

       3. I’m the poster below talking about my sister’s ex. That guy had a master’s degree and came from a wealthy family. He had a high paying job when they married. He claimed her increasing success during their marriage was “de-motivating” for him.

          Yesterday’s poster is not insulated against this by being a snob.

          1. I used to work with a woman who married a law school classmate. She went into Big Law. He . . . entered an on-line PHD program. Then they had kids. She’s still in BigLaw. I’m not sure he has ever had a job and I know the kids go to day care, so he’s not even doing an au-pair’s or nanny’s worth of work.

       4. Completely disagree. There’s a huge difference between having a stable but not prestigious job that comes with a pension (plus a side hustle) and refusing to get off the couch to do any work at all.

          1. I almost fell into this same trap. My ex realized I was making big money, so he gave up trying to become a CPA, and they fired him. From that point forward, he kind of grew like moss in my bedroom, slowly taking over and doing little but drinking and eating my food and sleeping in my bed, demanding s-x, and being a sorry excuse for someone who I thought would become the breadwinner. After a few years of this, my Dad finally threw him out and I was glad, tho sad initially b/c I had no boyfreind to parade around with (tho he was by then a documented loser on all counts).

             Women need to band together and ignore calls to marry (or keep) men that are schlubs. The s-x is not great, and with recent advances in s-x toys, you can get a better bang for your buck by going to places like Babeland for tools to keep you sane and satisfied. My ex, being the yutz that he was, always bad mouthed me after he was thrown out, and more then a few women asked me why I was such a shrew for doing it. I don’t often tell the story outside but think that at least the HIVE deserves to know.

          2. Except there is. It doesn’t matter if he has a job, if it pays substantially less than what she earns, he gets alimony. He can be a grown man and get alimony. It’s cute you think it matters what kind of a “great guy” he is. Smart not to marry unequal earning power.

       5. Yesterday’s post was a way different scenario and you’re rewriting history if you try to make it fit this article.

       6. No. This article is about man children. There was no indication that the poster’s boyfriend was lazy, entitled, or wouldn’t contribute to a household.

       7. No. Completely different scenario. Dude is gainfully employed and is taking care of his own home. Not at all the same situation that’s described in the article.

          1. +1
             Unbelieve that having a steady job that isn’t high-paying is considered being lazy or a man child.

             1. Not by most of us. I think the vast majority of us were defending the man in yesterday’s super classist post.

    5. Makes me think of this https://www.vox.com/the-goods/22788620/single-living-alone-cost which goes a bit into the institution of marriage and the power/financial dynamics

    6. My sister was in exactly this situation with her ex. He kept losing his job because he didn’t work enough hours (in sales, but he never sold anything.) She’d come home from work after picking up the kids from daycare and getting groceries and he’d be sitting on the couch. He wasn’t depressed, just entitled. And then she had to pay him child support and alimony when they divorced. It was infuriating because he was about 50/50 on actually taking the kids when it was his turn but she still had to pay the child support anyway.

    7. I have to say: I have heard enough men complain about their SAHM wives who, in their view, just play tennis and go to yoga all day to take the position that what a divorcing spouse says about whether his/her ex was an equal partner in family responsibilities should be taken with a grain of salt.

       Like, I’m sure there are big loser husbands who claimed to be stay at home dads and didn’t really do the work. I’ve even seen some of that! On the other hand, I’ve had female friends with husbands who were the primary caregiver, and who complained about it a lot, and what it ultimately came down to was that they thought the husband “wasn’t doing the work” bc he wasn’t parenting in the way they would have parented or doing all the activities they would have done if they’d taken on that role.

       I’m not surprised that women who find themselves having the pay alimony to ex husbands they now hate are mad about it, but I’m also not going to take it on faith that their accounts of their exes’ loser-ness are necessarily 100% accurate. I’ve seen too many messy divorces to do that.

    8. That article is wild. It’s like you have to be on the lookout for how you’re going to get taken advantage of all the time.

       1. Which, you don’t. Living like that is exhausting and makes you a very unpleasant person for others to be around.

       2. Eh, most of these stories were pretty egregious cases of “how on earth could you have married this dude in the first place?” The first guy didn’t even have a job when they got married.

       3. That’s a pretty crummy way to look at the world. If anything, I believe people look too closely at markers of success (or lack thereof) than at their potential partner’s character.

    9. This really hits home for me, because several people in my life are telling me to divorce my unemployed husband.

       They 1.) Don’t know the circumstances behind why he’s taking a long stretch of time off; it’s fairly traumatic and he doesn’t want to share, and 2.) nobody told him to leave me when I kept getting downsized over and over and over again during 2008-2012.

       It definitely feels like a double standard. It was fine for him to bust azz supporting me when I couldn’t find work, but when he needs some time to mentally heal from a job, everyone is sharpening their pitchforks.

       1. If they’re not close enough to know the circumstances, why are you even having conversations with them where this comes up??

          1. Literally nobody other than me is close enough to know the circumstances. And I shut it down as soon as I can get away with, given the difficult personalities involved.

       2. As someone who supported a spouse through prolonged unemployment, I see you and understand. I think the key difference is that you and your spouse are on the same page through these times. If he were just taking a long stretch of time off and you were frustrated and wished he’d get a job, and he ignored you, then the situation would be different. As you describe it, your marriage has definitely been through the richer-or-poorer, for better-or-worse wringer, and I wish you the best.

    10. One of the maaaany reasons I’m childfree. The thought of being permanently linked to a man baby is my biggest nightmare.

        1. The child support examples in the article didn’t seem that egregious to me. Child support is supposed to maintain the children’s standard of living. It can have the side effect of enhancing the ex-partner’s standard of living as well, but how exactly are you going to get around that? Make the ex live in a studio apartment when he doesn’t have the kids, and maintain a separate 4-bedroom house for him to use when he does have the kids?

           The spousal support examples were pretty wild because those guys were just deadbeats who hadn’t sacrificed earning power to the couple’s joint goals.

        2. My husband is more than fair when it comes to splitting household duties, but I absolutely would not have considered him as an option if I’d wanted children. He’s super-squeamish, has a crazy strong gag reflex, can’t handle difficult stuff like when we had to put our cat down, etc. All the hard, dirty parts of child-rearing would definitely have fallen to me.

    11. I feel like this makes an excellent case for not getting legally married unless you’re confident the other person is going to hold up their end of the partnering bargain. It’s a lot easier to cut some deadbeat loose and not have to pay support if there’s no paperwork, and you can just boot them out of the house if they don’t perform to expectations. I don’t know why any woman with two brain cells to rub together would tolerate (for more than maybe a month or two, given that unemployment and depression can happen to anyone) someone sitting on her couch watching Christmas movies instead of getting a joe job, or at least taking over management of the household. I wouldn’t put up with that kind of torpor from my own adult child, a human being who came out of my body. I am not going to put up with it for some guy, that’s for damn sure.

    12. This is why I didn’t divorce until my kids were adults. I would have had to pay child support and alimony/spousal support for a man who should have been working. Or at least doing all the housework/childcare.

21. Josh Duggar was convicted! Thank the stars!! Let’s hope he receives a tough sentence.

    1. I’ve been following this closely and was very happy to see that result.

22. What is the best way to send a package from the US to the Netherlands? I guess I mean cheapest and most reliable? I can’t figure the difference between the various options.
    It’s Christmas presents for my nephews (or i guess it will be New Years presents at this rate)- a couple shirts, some candy and also a small gift box full of sentimental papers and phtographs for my sister in law.
    Also on that note- does anyone know if there is an amazon option for the Netherlands?

    1. I haven’t shipped overseas in a while but usually USPS has the best rates.

    2. USPS probably, but I expect it will still be quite expensive.

    3. I haven’t looked at international shipping for a while, but last time I checked DHL was the best.

       1. +1 for DHL. Pre-pandemic DHL was my go to for Germany and East Asia. USPS tracking ends as soon as it is received by the country soooo I have lost packages I sent or was supposed to receive.

    4. Expect it to be shockingly expensive. Both size and weight influence the cost – get it into the smallest box possible.
       I shipped a 9oz package containing 1 dress (handmade with love) from California to Canada and it cost almost $40.

       If you take it to a UPS store, they can tell you what will be the cheapest way to ship for your specific package, including by USPS.

       If the items are not something you need to specifically purchase in the US, shipping via an online retailer (ie Amazon.nl) will be much more cost effective.

    5. Not sure if Im late,
       check this one https://www.teahousetransport.com/en for the transport. As far as I know is the cheapest option.

    6. Amazon.nl or Amazon.de both ship to the Netherlands. Bol.com is a Dutch equivalent.

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