Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Executive V-Neck Ponte Dress

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1. How do you act around someone who is dealing with mental health issues and struggling with rumination? I have an immediate family member that I have no wish to cut out of my life (so please no suggestions to that effect), but I’m struggling with our interactions. He is OBSESSED, and I do mean OBSESSED, with how another family member mistreated him 10 years ago. He has a point – that other family member was a jerk, has never apologized, and I’m sure never will. I have never disagreed with that. However, he will NOT let it go and move on despite pledging almost daily that he’s “done with all that” and “letting it for for the sake of peace” and all kinds of other promises. I’ve tried changing the subject. I’ve tried gray rocking. I’ve tried agreeing quickly so we can move on. How does this end?

   The thing is is that I know he’s trying – he’s medicated, in weekly therapy, engages in active hobbies with friends (cycling), and does other healthy things. He knows he needs to stop and desperately wants to; he’s said that so often. Why is he so unbelievably stuck on this? I get that there is no closure because the guy never apologized or made it right, but he’s never going to, ever.

   1. I should add that he gets offended and hurt with very direct statements like “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” I think they embarrass him into defensiveness because he knows on some level that he’s driving people up a wall with this.

      1. Can you give him a few minutes at the start of every interaction and explicitly say something like ‘I’m happy to listen to you speak about relative for 5/10 minutes, but after that let’s move onto other topics’.
         If he keeps bringing it up after that point I think you can be firmer – we’ve discussed that already and there isn’t anything else to say, so let’s talk about X more

         1. Not the OP, but I have a sibling like this and it would just result in her erupting at me, in addition to all of her other perceived oppressors.

      2. So? That’s a natural consequence.

         1. You do understand that people with mental illness don’t need to be punished, Anonymous at 9:18? To the OP, you may hurt his feelings but you must protect yourself. I had a dear friend who suffered a traumatic brain injury. I had to grieve for my lost friend because the man left after the TBI was not the same person. I went into a bit of a fake voice and would listen to him when he called for about 15 minutes then told him I have to go.

            1. A fake voice? What?

      3. It sounds like maybe it needs to stop being about him? You need to stop hearing about this topic for your sake. “I can’t talk about this anymore. It’s not healthy for me to dwell on this.” Why should he be embarrassed and defensive about what you need?

      4. So what if they’re embarrassed?

         1. You all are right, it’s a natural consequence, but I feel bad for him. He’s a great person and takes feelings of shame really hard. It’s not my fault of course, but I can’t help not wanting to compound it.

            1. Possibly too late — but my daughter has OCD and is a ruminator (spiral thought-er?). When she is stuck on something, it helps to say out loud “hey, this thought has gotten stuck,” and then we use a visualization technique to work through it. She has what we call the stuck thought garden, where she visualizes the thought going underground, then growing into a plant/tree/flower. The bigger/scarier/angrier the thought, the bigger/prettier/more ornate the plant. When you find yourself going back to the thought, instead you forcibly push that thought away to visualize or describe the details of the trees or leaves or branches. After a while, your brain thinks of the leaf or flower or whatever before it thinks of the stuck thought.

               If that feels too juvenile, you can also use the mental image of a trash compactor (thought goes into the trash, then when it re-surfaces, you visualize it being ground up in the compactor) or something similar. Key is that the person has to be willing to do the mental exercise, but if they are, you can help talk through the person visualizing the thought being re-purposed. Your relative says they don’t want to give the person any more of their brain, so you can describe the exercise, then when they bring up the situation/person again, say, “okay, I hear you, but let’s put that situation in the trash compactor” and then, when they want to continue talking about it, have them instead talk about the THOUGHT (not the person) being compacted into a thousand pieces and what that might look like. Simple, but effective. I use it too when I find myself ruminating.

            2. Thanks for sharing the stuck thought garden – sometimes I feel like I can’t let a thought go and the idea of it going underground and turning into an ornate tree feels like it would help.

   2. Just Let Them book or podcast by Mel Robbins

      1. What makes you recommend that? I’m googling it and only seeing generalities (“this book will change your life”) and then accusations of plagiarism on Goodreads??

         1. It talks about how you need to let people just BE in order to preserve your own self peace. It’s a simple concept but I like how she explains it in the 40 min podcast. I dont know anything about plagiarism.

            1. +1 I recently listened to her being interviewed on the Jay Shetty podcast and really liked the Let Them framing. It’s a good listen for anyone curious.

            2. To add – the let them theory would be a good strategy for OP to try, since they’ve tried a lot of alternative strategies. Basically we’re not trying to fix people – we’re letting them figure their own stuff out – and then we’re taking responsibility for how we respond.

   3. Can you ask him, “hey did you hear yourself just now?” Or say “I thought you said you were done with all that”

   4. I really think it depends what the offense was. Is this something where there’s legal recourse or just someone being crappy?

      1. No legal issues. My family member opened up about his depression, describing that he’d been dealing with serious issues for years, and the other family member blew him off and implied he was being dramatic/self-involved to pretend like mental health is even a thing – so basically decided to go full jerk mode when my family member finally took the risk of opening up to a loved one. Trust me when I say it was cruel and ugly, but it’s not at the level of legal battle. The guy will never apologize and to this day doesn’t believe he did anything wrong or that it would be worth apologizing even without believing it.

         1. Oh for that level of petty nonsense I just go NC with the offender and never deal with them again.

            1. That’s what he’s doing (has spoken to him once since that day) but everyone else in his life has to hear about it instead. It’s at the point where he’s skipping family weddings and funerals so he won’t have to see this guy, but then obsessessssssses about it to everyone else.

            2. Was the victim relative previously the Golden child of the family? I don’t understand why he’s so fixated on this, certainly any normal adult has dealt with worse.

            3. No, if anything he was the opposite of the golden child – his older brothers bullied him, his parents took a “don’t be a p*ssy” approach to it, and his father was disappointed he didn’t go into the family business.

         2. If he’s open to it, he may really benefit from ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). There doesn’t need to be alcoholism or drug abuse in the family of origin for this group to be impactful – it empowers folks to identify the coping mechanisms they used as kids to navigate their dysfunctional family dynamic, how those coping mechanisms may be holding them back today (ex. rumination), and how they can begin to heal. It has been of huge help to me, and many others. You may benefit too – a big part of it is letting go of trying to change others and focusing what we do have control over – ourselves and how we respond to the events of our lives and the people around us.

   5. It doesn’t. You don’t have to cut him off but you can say “oh Bob there you go again! Let’s talk about something else tmrw, bye!”

      Protect your peace

   6. When spending time with someone is generally unpleasant and I don’t enjoy it, I stop spending my valuable time with them. I don’t cut them out, I don’t stop talking to them, but I will be “too busy.” I’d try that. If it comes up as to why, you can decide if you want to be honest or not.

   7. You can’t make him stop or feel differently. What you CAN do is stop engaging with it. First time, gently say, “I know you’re working through this, but it’s starting to be rehearsed. I’m not going to listen to it anymore.” Second time: “I’m not going to go through this again.” Third and final: “No, we’re not doing this.” Don’t counsel him on letting go.

      Will he get defensive? Probably. Will it upset him? Likely? Is this best for both him and you? Also yes.

      Again, you can decide to walk away, and you should. He can then do with that what he will, and it’s not in your control.

      1. When an immediate family was going over gripes with another family member, she was literally not able to stop doing this. But if I ended the conversation every time (no need to be rude, but I was done talking about it and wasn’t going to, even if that meant taking my leave and walking away, or saying goodbye and hanging up the phone), she seemed able to go longer and longer without coming back to that topic (because she did still want to talk about other things!).

         I think it becomes almost a subconscious thing at that point. The compulsion is subconscious to begin with, and the desire not to have the conversation end enters the subconscious too and starts to help?

   8. Clearly it’s not going to end. The only behavior you can control is your own, so how do you want to react? There’s no one clever trick you can do that will make this person change.

   9. I have a family member like this. For years, I let him ruminate. It was extremely unhealthy, and made him more agitated and upset. But I was literally scared to say too much. I think my situation is a little different, as I was also fearful, as I felt that he could hurt me.

      Overtime, I got better at re-directing. I let him vent a little, then I quickly distracted distracted distracted. Later, I started to speak up and said “This will make both of upset. Let’s talk about something else…. ” and start talking about something else.

      He is not sufficiently treated. He needs a medication alteration, I suspect. I would also strongly encourage some sort of immediate intervention that he starts to do/associate with this rumination. Go outside/take a walk/do a tapping round/something…. but exercises is the best.

      Thank you for sticking by him. My family member got out of it. Took years, lots of behavioral and medication changes.

      1. I was also going to say this is a sign his meds are not working. If he’s not on anti-anxiety meds, he should be.
         My grandmother was like this – Zoloft changed her life.
         I just realized I was doing this myself and that was a big sign that I maybe need to call my doc to talk about perimenopause stuff.
         My AuDHD son is also like this (we call them “perseverations” in that space) and he gets really stuck on ideas when he is particularly anxious, especially question-answer loops where we have to answer in specific ways or tell the story a specific way or he goes ballistic. We encourage him to write his thoughts out or sometimes to listen to our answer to the question. We also try to limit our action to only telling the story once that day or whatever. There are entire books on “rock brain.”

         1. doh i mean RECORD our answer so he can listen to it as often as he wants.

   10. If he’s trying, you coordinate with him on how to interrupt and redirect. With a sibling of mine, we agreed that she wouldn’t be offended when I said “you’re doing it again, time to talk about something else.” And then suggest the different topic to shift to. I had to do that with great frequency, but eventually things slowed down and they could catch themselves.

   11. I don’t think you can manage his behavior or get him unstuck. I have a family member like this who also constantly rehashes perceived slights. I think he enjoys pity and attention. There’s a degree of histrionics.

   12. Is it possible that what this family member is seeking from you is support or solidarity? If you reiterate “yeah, other family member is an AH, forget that guy,” would he be able to move to another topic?

   13. Could you ask him how you could help stop this rumination?

       Hey relative, I know you tend to ruminate on other family member a lot, and quite frankly, I’ve heard you talk a lot about this and I’m not going to be a great sounding board going forward. I love you and want to see you regularly- but this is affecting our relationship. I’m hoping you can give me ideas about how to stop this dominating our conversations.
       How can we set up a system so that we discuss this topic less? Do you want me to interrupt you? Would it be easier if I give you 10 min and then we move on? Would it be best if I give you 2 warnings?

       Goal here is not to not hurt his feelings- its to help him with something that is driving you up the wall and he’s acknowledged needs to change.

2. Any encouragement or advice for someone dealing with a transient yet persistent health issue? I had wrist/elbow issues that originally began 2 years ago (Feb 2023). No specific injury or cause. Went to doc, did PT, xray and ultrasound were normal. Pain goes away for 6 months at a time (yay!) so I feel well but then it comes back if I do something aggravating such as shoveling snow last week. It is very frustrating because resting is the only thing that helps the pain go away, but then I am doing nothing (even washing dishes is painful) and getting weaker.. “if you don’t use it you lose it” applies. I am only 29. Feels like a catch 22 cycle. Anyway, I went to an orthopedic specialist yesterday who ordered an MRI to find out what is wrong anatomically. Based on those results, I am looking at a TENEX procedure or referral to upper extremity surgeon. I feel so discouraged and limited by this. Any hope or encouragement is helpful.

   1. I experience intermittent debilitating elbow pain. What helped was a sports physician who gave me a set of specific exercises after watching the movements that aggravated pain for me. Personally I would explore all other options before asking for a surgical resolution.

      1. Second the option to see a sports medicine doctor or orthopedist if you can – even if it’s not specifically a sports injury, I’ve found they are better at getting younger, more active folks back to their personal baseline (instead of a “basic life” baseline) and should be responsive to “I’m losing too much muscle just resting it”

      2. Another vote for sports medicine. I’m a middle-aged mom who isn’t into athletics, and they helped tremendously. PT gave me exercises, but the sports med doc actually looked at my movements and body mechanics and helped me make sense of the root cause so I was better informed. Having that knowledge enabled me to work through the PT exercises with proper nuance to make them helpful rather than just busy work using the wrong muscles.

   2. This may or may not benefit you, but you could consider joining a YMCA or looking for an Aqua Fitness / Water aerobics class near you. The gentle resistance of the water can be strengthening for your muscles and joints without being over taxing (i.e., yoga where your whole bodyweight is pressing on your hands/wrists). That could help you maintain strength and flexibility without aggravating it.

   3. I had 3 shoulder surgeries as a result of an athletic injury when I was in college. I was used to thinking of myself as invincible. It’s really hard to face your own fragility. It’s not unlike grieving the future you thought you’d have – I did so much PT in college it was like an extra-curricular activity. It’s really tough. Give yourself grace and don’t get addicted to pain killers

   4. I’d find your local specialist orthopedist who deals with athletes – all big cities have a favored practice/doctor (in the Northeast it’s often the Hospital for Special Surgery). They have doctor’s who are very used to dealing with younger, healthy people and are focused on getting you better with a combo of approaches (injections, PT, OT, etc.) vs. going straight to surgery.
      I’d also ask around with older colleagues/friends – my orthopedic doctor was a recommendation from an older female friend who had 2 previous ortho’s tell her the knee pain was ‘in her head’ when actually it was a broken bone.

      1. Along the same lines, I have found that the sports PT practice associated with our local university that has a PT school and a D1 sports program is far superior to all other PT practices in the area. Other PT practices give ineffective exercises, demand two or three weekly visits, and seem motivated not to provide results so you keep coming as long as possible. The sports PT place has a long waiting list and is motivated to get people healed in as few visits as possible, and its practitioners are much more knowledgeable and effective and are also much more clued in to the needs of active people.

      2. If all else fails, find out which practice does the major ballet company in your city. Avoids the clout chasers of the pro sports teams and gets excellent sports med docs.

   5. I haven’t had the elbow issue, but I have had tendonitis in my wrist. I tried a lot of things for it.

      The one form of PT that seemed to actually help me with tendonitis was manual therapy, where they actually use their hands or a massage tool to smooth out any tight muscles. I wish I’d tried this sooner instead of spending so much time doing exercises and bracing. My impression is that there are different names for this approach depending on whether it’s offered by a PT, chiropractor, osteopath, or massage therapist, but it’s all pretty similar.

      The other thing I tried that I thought helped and was a low risk intervention was just benfotiamine (vitamin B1) because it’s supposed to help with nerve pain.

      For my wrist, I found that a stiff brace led to getting weaker, but the self-adhesive stretch tape wrap support (not sure what it’s called) helped me keep using my arm with less pain.

      For me the pain doesn’t go away forever, but it goes away for years (4-5 years), and then another round of manual therapy keeps it away for years more. So that’s been good enough for me so far.

   6. I’d go to a chiropractor, they can work wonders on this like this.

      1. No OP, don’t see pseudoscience practitioners for medical issues.

         1. Ideally I’d agree with you, but some do offer evidence based PT despite not having the right qualifications. And some PTs with all of the right qualifications are frankly terrible and can make things worse.

            I agree with others who have said to look for the “sports” providers.

            1. Yeah, “but some PTs are bad” is not a very compelling argument to see a quack instead.

            2. In what sense is a bad and harmful PT not a quack other than on paper?

               If they’re both offering the same therapy, I just want the person who is better at it, no matter what kind of degree they got. It’s not ideal, but the pickings are slim.

         2. You do you but a chiropractor isn’t going to break your wrist and I’ve had great success treating a similar issue. Go ahead and dismiss the idea but I’m glad I didn’t go down some insane surgery route it protracted PT plan.

            1. Orthopedic surgery isn’t exactly evidence based either. I’m not going to let a chiro anywhere near my neck because I don’t want to die of a stroke, but I’m okay with trying low risk interventions on the chance I can avoid surgery.

         3. Chiropractors are not quacks. Most insurance companies cover chiro treatments, as there is research demonstrating that chiropractors are effective. Chiros complete 4 years of school after their undergraduate degree, and complete internships. Many people see chiros for skeletal and muscle pain.

            1. Eh 4 years of potentially fake school isn’t the credential you think it is.

               They can be helpful; they can be dangerous. It’s the wild west.

               Osteopaths at least in the USA are real doctors with full medical training, so I would feel safer getting manual therapy from an osteopath if available.

   7. I have had rotator cuff tendonitis since age 24 and I’m now 35. It has been an ongoing battle. I accepted after about 5 years that this is just something I will always live with. I have done SO MUCH physical therapy, 6 different therapists in 4 different cities (as I have moved around for career and jobs). I have a fantastic sports medicine doctor and physical therapist in my current city. I have a Pilates instructor that knows my limitations and helps me maximize what I CAN do.

      Otherwise, I accept there are some things I can never do again (bowling, hanging from monkey bars, repetitive overhead activities) because if I do these things I WILL end up with a flare of pain for a couple weeks that prevents me from being able to carry groceries and drive.

      I try to take very good care of my shoulder. I do regular strength training and am always exploring ways to stay strong without aggravating it to the point I’m incapacitated. It hurts on a daily basis but somehow my brain has been able to turn down the pain signal so it’s more of an annoying mosquito buzz of pain instead of 8/10 pain that consumed my thoughts.

      Try for a combination of acceptance that this may be chronic for the rest of your life, while still trying to optimize your function and live your life. It will wax and wane. It won’t always be incapacitating. No Opioids! Never ever. So terrible for chronic pain.

   8. My family has a history of connective tissue disorders with “constellations” of various symptoms, usually related to joint injury or pain. It may be helpful to look into that route or bring it up during your visit in case it turns out to be meaningful, and you can take steps to get ahead of other potential issues.

3. I was at a work conference where the dress was business attire but not full suits. Some women, who I took to be more senior executives, were wearing the most amazing dresses. They weren’t rufflepuff at all but had at least A line skirts (not sheaths), a bit of interesting detailing, and color / texture without looking too busy. Fabric seemed to be some sort of twill, not a knit or Ponte. They all looked like they’d be on the more expensive side. Of course, I had no real opportunity to chat about their fashion habits. I also saw a woman in a beautiful skirt in a light and dark blue toile pattern. Where could I start looking for pieces like this? I recently gained a size and need to shop anyway vs seeing myself into shape wear and trying to made my old mall-store items work.

   1. Maybe CH Carolina Herrera or Lafayette 148?

      1. CH Carolina Herrera has a skirt that matches that description. I was looking at it for spring and cannot really justify the $$$$ but it is beautiful and if it falls in your budget I will be happy to live vicariously through you!

   2. I actually just bought a midi dress and a skirt at Ann Taylor recently – still waiting to receive them but I was surprised at how pretty some of the offerings were. The dress is the ‘Boatneck Midi Dress In Textured Drape’ and it comes in various colors and full suiting options.
      For the types of items you’re describing I’d check Me & Em, Veronica Beard, Brooks Brothers, Ann Taylor (need to pay close attention to fabric!), Banana Republic (ditto on fabric). I’d also probably go into your local high end mall – Nordstrom and Bloomingdales are carrying more business casual wear than I’ve seen in a while.

   3. The Fold
      Max Mara
      Boss

   4. Probably Me +Em

   5. What shape are you? If you are short waisted, Boden and Hobbs usually have some good dress options.

      1. 10 on bottom pear; 6/8 on top.

         1. Brooks Brothers or Elie Tahari might work.

   6. My recent conference dresses have all been from Mango. Conferences in my industry are “business casual” but men wear suits with no ties

4. I have tried to love this brand, but end up returning everything I buy from them. I also find their website oddly frustrating, even ignoring how they size things. Constantly out of stock in my size, and their search feature is just odd. Love the ethos, but can’t make it work for me.

5. Has anyone been through an effort to unionize at their workplace? I work at a cultural institution so a lot of variety in job functions, lots of part time employees, etc. Things have been extraordinarily tense as we move toward the vote. Given my position and length of tenure, I worry that I may be on the losing end if the organization unionizes.

   Has anyone been through this and can you share outcomes? Thanks!

   1. Are you suggesting union busting? The union will not screw you, a rising tide lifts all boats.

      1. No she clearly isn’t? And a rising tide does not always lift all boats, there are people who do better or worse in moving to a union

         1. Real life examples? Not just “I heard it from a friend?”

      2. It is absolutely not a given that a “rising tide lifts all boats” with a union. There are definitely drawbacks for some.

      3. I have a dear friend who is going through this at her workplace right now. She’s very much in favor of unionization, but both the union and management have agreed that *she* is unable to join the union because of her position. It’s incredibly tense because if there is a strike, both sides could retaliate. I’m a big, big fan of unions, but it can be a really tough, not so black-and-white situation.

   2. Yes. I was a prosecutor and we were in early stages of unionizing. The county gave out raises to all county employees EXCEPT us prosecutors, specifically citing the fact that we were attempting to unionize.

      1. Isn’t that illegal?

         1. Nope.

         2. It’s not only not illegal, it’s required. There’s something called laboratory conditions where once the union petition is filed, the employer cannot make changes.

      2. In 2022, my workplace gave off-cycle cost of living adjustments to everyone except unionized roles (and lowest paid), and boy, did that backfire. Two of the unions had been in bargaining, and absent this snub, I don’t think the members would have picketed so enthusiastically.

   3. You should go to the organizational meetings for the union and speak up about your concerns. Call the union organizers and talk to them. Speak up. If you feel you aren’t being considered.

      What is the issue? Trying to protect new workers at the expense of older? Or the opposite (which is more comon)?

   4. If the bargaining representative is certified, the union is unlikely to agree to a reduction in any member’s compensation or benefits. New hires are more likely to be affected w current employees grandfathered. Anything is possible, but the union will be trying to demonstrate value added for its role.

      1. +1 we unionized at my former legal aid. No one lost anything, no salaries were reduced. We got better benefits and a collective voice, which was important in a pretty opaque siloed organizational structure. I think it’s worth it!

6. Until we can find a college counselor for my junior, all I have is you all. Can you recommend mid-Atlantic and SEUS schools that would be like the next level down from MIT/Johns Hopkins (but with a similar vibe) for a kid interested in a health care career (and a 4-year school experience) but not interested in med school? Kid is interested in having a critical mass of bookish kids and hopefully a neurospicy population to join, so no Bama-rush type vibe (but also doesn’t want a school or program aimed at ND kids).
   The school has 1:300 ratio for counselors, and they are general counselors vs college counselors, so dealing with pregnant, arrested, homebound instruction, homeless, and undocumented kids, so this level of granularity isn’t in their top 100 problems of any given day.

   1. Rice.

      1. co-sign this

         1. Rice is extremely selective these days. The only kid I know of who was admitted had a 1600 on the SAT.

            1. It’s selective but you def don’t need a 1600 SAT

      2. +1 to this. And Houston is a interesting and fun city with a lot going on but the Rice campus is set in more quiet area. They probably would need to learn to drive by soph. year.

      3. i have a lot of Rice insider knowledge and I would say it is definitely work a look, though not really SEUS. depends on what kiddo’s interests outside of a healthcare career are within the sciences. but yes, it is generally bookish quirky kids, with a good sense of community. i will say as it has grown and continues to grow it is losing some of what made it special, but the college culture helps kids fit in and feel like part of the community. that being said, it is becoming increasingly popular and it’s getting harder and harder to get in. the campus is beautiful.

   2. What sort of healthcare career? Some schools have direct program entry and others you declare a major after you’ve been in school a while.

      1. +1 nursing may or may not be a fit with a neurodivergent kid, and PA or PT programs can be direct admission.

         Does your kid need a 4 year degree?

   3. Virginia Tech, William and Mary, Carnegie Mellon, UNC, Duke

      1. And further to the OP, I’d ask this same question but for the schools one level down from these (great schools, but pretty sure they’d be a reach, stat-wise).

      2. Carnegie Mellon, Duke, and Rice (mentioned above) are just as selective as Johns Hopkins. W&M is a reasonable goal for a very good student–think top 10 in the high school class, solid SAT scores, lots of AP/IB courses.

         I would target your search at SLACs in Pennsylvania and Maryland. These are less likely to be dominated by southern fraternity and sorority culture than schools in the SEUS.

   4. There is a F book group called Paying For College 101 and the commenters are great at this sort of question. People are constantly bringing up schools I’ve never heard of or forgotten about (plus all the standard bigger names). Since everything about college can be somehow linked to “paying” the topics of conversation are broad.

   5. Look at Patriot League schools. There are health and medical adjacent options. Academically strong, smaller but not small, not as selective as Hopkins, Mid-Atlantic and New England schools, students are very successful after college. Schools are: Lehigh, Bucknell, Lafayette, Colgate, Holy Cross, BU, American, Loyola MD. Also, Army and Navy but they’re obviously not your typical schools. Affiliate schools include Fordham, Georgetown, MIT, and Richmond.

      While there is a strong party vibe at quite a few of the schools, a) it’s very much a work hard play hard vibe. Everyone takes academics seriously even the big partiers and b) plenty of kids are ND, plenty of kids do not party, plenty of kids party in their own way.

      While there are a lot of similarities among the schools (size, academically challenging), but they’re also all different vibes so check them all out.

      1. Agreed these are great options

      2. I went to Lehigh and I’d echo this. There’s a new College of Health, with several undergrad majors and minors and 4+1 programs for Master’s too. Plus, programs in the Arts & Sciences and Engineering colleges that are related: cognitive science, behavioral neuroscience, bio, chem, biochemistry, molecular biology, pharmaceutical chemistry, bioengineering , chemical engineering, industrial systems engineering, biotechnology.

         I know lots of people who went to med school, PA or PT or OT school, BS to BSN programs, healthcare operations, consulting, etc.

         They have lots of interest housing options, including substance free housing, which I know offers lots of programming for kids who don’t want to party. The school also offers lots of fun programming at night several nights a week as an alternative to going out.

         Even though I wasn’t a science person, was in a sorority (and enjoyed going out!), and an athlete I was involved in a lot and thus had friends or at least acquaintances who did super different things than I did and had different college experiences and everyone loved their experience.

         1. i think of lehigh as a party school, but maybe i’m wrong

            1. Anon at 10:15 here:

               For sure most people party pretty hard, but I also knew people (including girls in my sorority) who never went out and they still had good social lives!

               Academics are also strong, making it more of a work hard play hard school than a traditional party school.

   6. Duke has an excellent teaching hospital.

   7. For the love of all that is holy just let your daughter pick her own school. I’ve seen variations on this post 45 million times now and collapsed the thread almost as many. Kids like her can succeed, I PROMISE you.

      1. For real, the college anxiety is out of control.

         1. Yes, but it’s understandable. I have a friend who has parental help to send her kids to private school in our city for 40K/year. The kid has small classes, a tutor for anything he struggles with (at the school, it is very seamless), and counselors and college counselors and tons of “good” colleges that visit the school and all kids can attend, but some kids are sought out for some schools and talked up all the time b/c the college counseling staff knows the kids and all their activities and showcases them well. My struggling kids in an overwhelmed public school really don’t stand any sort of chance finding their next school (which I hope will be much better) or standing out next to their very polished cross-town applicants. And there’s the whole paying for it piece and hoping it’s only 4 years instead of 5. Parents of kids probably haven’t being doing well since the pandemic, where our schools weren’t regularly in session until the fall of 2021.

            1. But how is this person posting the same post so many times going to help? It’s gotten to beyond absurd levels – including that obsession with “Bama rush” as the defining social marker of life.

            2. This. Way back in the dark ages (90s) my inner city public school had 2 college counselors for 800 kids. I was in the top 15 of graduating seniors and my ‘support’ was being given the massive paper guide of colleges, told to have my parents review my essays (ha!), and to ask my teachers for letters of recommendation. My current family/friends in the public schools have reported that it’s gotten even worse post-Covid.
               I don’t blame the schools but I also totally understand why parents who had no issues getting into college in the 90s are being caught totally unawares at just how much things have changed and how difficult the process can be.

            3. Why aren’t these kids more self reliant? Im younger than most here and recently ish out of college. I too had useless councilors in highschool so I got on Google and researched a bunch of schools and put together my own essays, applications etc. There was no hand-holding, I just figured it out myself. This information isn’t exactly a secret, it’s all available.

            4. This is why I’m a huge proponent of private school. It’s night and day.

         2. If a high school junior is not ready to research colleges and come up with a list of places where she thinks she wants to go, is she ready for college?

            If OP were coming here with her daughter’s list and asking for a reality check, that would make a lot more sense to me.

            1. Guessing you’re not a parent of a high school junior.

            2. Highschool juniors are old enough the do basic research. I promise they can do hard things and it actually makes them better members of society.

            3. A lot of high school juniors with ADHD or autism get totally overwhelmed by the college search process. They need some structure and support.

            4. High school juniors have never had it easier when it comes to resources available for college research. I agree they need to be leading the process.

            5. High school kids these days are nowhere near as self-reliant and resourceful as we were at their age. They haven’t had the same opportunities to read entire novels, write essays, design science experiments, build contraptions in the garage or forts in the backyard, or do basically anything open-ended that builds critical thinking skills as our generation did. Instead they have craft kits and Lego sets with closed-ended instructions, multiple-choice exams, and dumbed-down school courses. We have taught them to expect to be given step-by-step instructions to arrive at a “right” answer and struggle when asked to organize information or figure out how to approach a complex problem.

            6. And yet — look at what private schools do. They don’t say, make the kid do it with kid quality work. They do it for the kid with adult quality work. The playing fields might as well be on different planets.

      2. Thank you for saying what I think every time I see these posts. I knew exactly what schools I was interested in high school by researching on my own and I had a fraction of the internet that kids today do. Your kid does not and should not need you to figure this out for them.

         1. My parents also did not help me at all, nor did I even expect them to. And I did just fine.

         2. I don’t get the impression OP’s daughter is asking for help. OP is the one who thinks she needs help.

   8. Emory
      Vanderbilt
      Wake Forest
      Smaller: Furman, College of Charleston, Oglethorpe

      1. As a Vanderbilt grad I can tell you there’s a very specific type of personality that thrives and it wouldn’t be the right place for an ND kid to find their crowd.

         1. I kind of suspected that. Maybe Belmont if you like Nashville?

         2. I think this is kind of the case with Wake Forest as well.

            1. Agree. It’s for a certain kind of B+/A- good student.

      2. I thought College of Charleston had a huge party school reputation? Agree with Furman and Emory and maybe Wake, not familiar with Ogelthorpe.

         1. yeah C of Charleston is where the girls who were average students, and very bubbly-preppy-popular, from my high school went to get MRS degrees. Seriously.

            1. +1 it’s a finishing school for beautiful, popular girls who want to find rich husbands. Sounds like pretty much the exact opposite of what OP’s kid wants.

            2. Agreed. It seemed so initially appealing to a kid who fell in love with the city but she would have been miserable there.

      3. Oglethorpe grad here – though it’s been 25 years. It was an excellent education and in a great location. I think the academics and polish have only improved since I graduated. It’s super small but well situated in Atlanta, with lots of connections to business and other institutions around town. I believe they also still have a 3-2 program with Georgia Tech, where you can graduate with both a BS in an engineering field and a BA/BS from Oglethorpe.

   9. Georgia Tech

      1. Georgia Tech was my immediate thought as an MIT alum. At one point (maybe still?) they billed themselves as the MIT of the south.

         1. Interesting. How do they compare to Virginia Tech, NC State , etc. I always think of these as engineering schools, so never considered how it is for other science majors.

            1. I’m a Georgia Tech alumna and have many friends who were biology, chemistry, physics majors and are very successful now. I was an econ major and am doing quite well. Many friends also were business majors and landed in things like Big 4 consulting. Atlanta is becoming quite a business hub, is relatively inexpensive, and quite safe especially around campus.
               I’ve been out 10+ years but happy to chat more if you are curious.

            2. I think of Georgia Tech as better than those schools, especially NC State. But they are certainly good options for the next step down.

         2. Parent of a Georgia Tech sophomore, it’s a fantastic school with so many opportunities.

         3. My daughter’s classmate who didn’t get into MIT is now majoring in computer science at Georgia Tech and is very happy there.

   10. If your daughter has excellent stats and you are either wealthy enough to pay full freight or have a low enough income to qualify for need-based aid (in other words, you aren’t in the middle-income zone that gets scr-wd over by financial aid formulas), check out Bryn Mawr. When we visited, my daughter and I were very impressed by how student-centered it seemed, and the kids there came across as delightfully quirky. My daughter decided not to apply because she wanted a coed school and Bryn Mawr is weak in her major, but it was the benchmark against which she evaluated all the other schools we visited.

   11. Look at St. Mary’s College of Maryland, which calls itself the “National Public Honors College.”

       1. I am in Maryland and know a few St Mary’s alums who really loved their experience

   12. Depending on her desired major, it might help to look into things like how clinicals work at the universities (for example, would she manage fine waking up at 5AM and driving an hour in the dark) and where students are most commonly getting jobs after graduation.

   13. Vanderbilt is associated with Vanderbilt University Medical Center (VUMC), which is a megalithic health care provider and research center. For example, Vanderbilt and VUMC researchers worked on COVID vaccine development – this is where Dolly Parton donated one million dollars to further research into COVID vax.

       Caveat: the University is big enough to have all kinds of subgroups, but has a rep for being a place for rich kids involved in Greek societies.
       Bigger caveat: Nashville is VHCOL especially as to housing. On campus university housing would be the way to go.

       1. I’m curious — I may have a kid go to Belmont for nursing. Do they mix with the Vandy nursing people at all? IDK if they are rivals or friends in this field in this city.

          1. I don’t know. Formerly a rather large small town, Nashville is now a true city and I don’t know how much their paths would cross.

          2. VU does not have an undergraduate nursing program. Belmont does. Also in town is Aquinas, which seems to supply a good number of nurses to the area. They aren’t really all rivals but it’s not like they overlap much.

       2. It depends on if OPs child is the no-empathy or too much empathy type of neurospicy. The former can really succeed there.

          1. The no-empathy v. too-much-empathy distinction just clarified a lot of things about some teens I know…

          2. With respect, I think it matters more whether child, neurospicy or not, gives a flying f?!& about the social strata and where they land on it. If they don’t care and are happy just to find their people, they can be very happy there. If they do care, they are going to need to be viable for a top fraternity/sorority, and come from a generation skipping trust fund family where there are private school backgrounds, European vacations and Caribbean sailing trips, and multiple vacation properties.

   14. In addition to the other comments I wanted to reassure you that where your kid goes to college does not define or decide the rest of their life. It’s 4 years out of many.

       1. Yeah, but if OP is paying $360K or more and the kid is dedicating four years of her life to it, it needs to be a good fit.

       2. Yes, realistically the Op’s child is going to end up working with people who were just ok students in high school and graduated from whatever affordable state school wasn’t too selective. You want to enjoy your time at school, yes, but there are many good school options whose admissions processes don’t hinge on picking the right elective courses in middle school.

   15. My niece has been happy and challenged in the U of South Carolina BS/RN program.

       She is in a sorority, but she doesn’t live in it and did not have the Bama rush type experience in rushing/pledging.

       1. The University of South Carolina is not going to be a good fit for a kid who needs a small residential college, unless maybe she’s in the honors program. I can’t remember whether the honors program guarantees housing for four years, though.

7. Are we wearing this style of dress anymore? I mean should be considered classic, and I would have worn it anywhere pre-pandemic, but does it look dated?

   1. I think the cheap fabric looks dated but in a high quality muted woven this cut is a classic.

      1. I’m struggling with this – the fabric and cut of this dress doesn’t look right on this model, though I can see what they were going for.

         1. That’s par for the course with internet brands.

         2. I think some of it is not being used to seeing plus size models and some of it is poor fit on the model (I’m plus-sized FWIW). I own this dress with a different neckline and in black and it super flattering. The ponte has sort of a slick feel to it–not the soft t-shirt sort of ponte. I speak pretty regularly at conferences and was just editing video this morning and was thinking how well it read and that I should wear it more often. I don’t know if the red version is the same fabric. (I ordered off of Nordstrom’s site since it was my first experience with the brand.)

         3. I wondered what brand was putting out such an unflattering picture, then I looked and saw it was Universal standard and was 0% surprised.

            Despite probably being their target demographic, nothing has ever worked for me from there.

            1. Same. I’ve bought quite a few things over the years, starting fairly early and as recently as a couple of years ago. The fabrics and the fit kill it for me, I just gave up with Universal Standard.

   2. Certainly not as styled. I’d still do it with a blazer and a higher chunky heel for a big meeting or interview. The style that is, not necessarily that specific dress.

   3. Definitely looks dated to me.

   4. Somewhat dated, and I would definitely style it as Anon at 9:36 suggested. As formerly plus sized person, appropriate workwear of this type that doesn’t cost a fortune is hard to find, so I think this is a useful pick.

   5. I think sheath dresses and pencil skirts at or just below the knee are making a comeback. Once the weather is warm enough for bare legs, I expect to see more like this.

   6. I think this type of dress is still a classic with a navy jacket but this pick doesn’t look structured enough to pull it off.

   7. I don’t think it’s, like, an embarrassing look, but yeah, I had a bunch of dresses like this 10-12 years ago.

   8. I’m not a fan of the red. But a solid color sheath dress that hits below the knee seems pretty neutral to me. Like asking if a turtleneck looks dated. It’s not trendy but I don’t think it stands out like it’s of a certain time.

      If I wanted to look more modern, I’d style like the other poster suggested. Keep the shoe current and wear either a lady jacket or with long blazer in a fabric that won’t be too bulky.

8. Would this bother you? Yesterday my husband and I were talking about retirement – I am about 10 years out and we have always said the goal for me is to retire at 60. I am the breadwinner but by then we expect to be close to done with college for my older kid and good clarity about younger son. I have had primary parenting duties – drop off, pick up, keep up with school, extracurriculars etc, and daily chores like laundry, cleaning up etc, although my husband is always happy to help out when needed. Anyway, my husband mentioned that he plans to retire when I retire – this caught me off guard because I thought he would also retire at 60 and he is 2 years younger than me. He acted really hurt and said I was being jealous, but why should he get to retire at an earlier age? I told him his salary for those 2 years is not nothing (about $60-80k depending on the year) and we could have a cushion to plan a nice trip. It isn’t keeping him for pursuing a second career because he has no retirement goals and his job is similar to a boring desk job – not quite that but no manual labor or anything like that. Do you think I am being unreasonable?

   1. I don’t think you get to unilaterally pick the age you think your husband can retire at. That’s a conversation. I also hear contempt for him in your post and think that’s worth addressing.

      1. I don’t know that it’s contempt so much as exasperation. I was formerly in this situation minus the kids. When you are bringing in the bulk of the household income as well as carrying the burden of the household with “help” from partner, the notion that the younger partner just assumes that they get to retire when you do is grating. It felt a bit grasping and entitled when it happened to me.

         1. It wasn’t the same situation for us, because my husband is older than me. But he decided to retire at a time when my job was very up in the air because he just felt like he wanted to retire. (And I did in fact end up getting laid off!)

            I felt like it was so inconsiderate, and he tried the “you’re just jealous” thing on me, but I have always made the bulk of the household income, and in fact, I have worked more full-time years than he has, despite the age difference.

            It was a sore spot for us for a while. Nothing should be unilateral like that in a true partnership.

            In the long run, it worked out OK for us but I was mad for a good long time.

            And I’m still not retired, but that’s my choice at this point.

   2. I think it’s one conversation and it’s unreasonable to treat it as a black or white who is wrong situation. Sounds like you need to work through some resentment

   3. What are his plans for healthcare (assuming you’re in the US)? He doesn’t get to ride your Medicare in his 50s, I don’t think.

      1. This. The healthcare piece to me is huge. IIRC, medicare starts at 65 (not 60).

         1. +1

      2. Medicare starts at 65, not 60, so that’s an issue for both of them.

         1. And a huge issue. When I paid for it a few years ago, it was north of 2K a month for a couple under our group rate at work. Nothing is subsidized by the employer. I’m sure it is more now. Paying that every month for 5 and 7 years should be included in modeling how retirement will work for them. I’d be temped to get a part time McJob just for health care if I retired that early.

            1. Good luck finding a part time job that offers healthcare.

            2. Yeah, this sad world we live in does not provide healthcare for people who work “McJobs.” No wonder people are so heartless about the plight of the lower class if they think “McJobs” meet needs.

            3. I pay for healthcare for myself on the ACA plan for my state and it’s $1700 a month. Lord knows what’s going to happen to Medicare but I spend a lot of time wishing I were already 65!

      3. I agree it has to be a more mutual decision, but “he doesn’t get to ride your [healthcare] in his 50s” seems a little overly simplistic. Fwiw, my husband and I are the same age but I plan to retire many years earlier. I hope to retire in my early-mid 50s once kids are through college and he will likely work until at least 70-75, health permitting, which is common in his field (academia). He loves his job and is the breadwinner, I hate mine and am only doing it for the extra money and hopefully once our kids are through college we’ll be in a financial place where the impact from my earnings is minimal. It doesn’t really make any sense to either of us for me to tough it out until 65 when he *wants* to continue working far beyond that, and we don’t need my income. Like OP I’ll probably explore a side gig so I hopefully will be earning some income, but I’ll definitely be on his health insurance. This is one of the benefits of being married – only one spouse needs to carry the “good” corporate/government health insurance, giving the other spouse the freedom to try out consulting, self-employment, etc.

         1. I think the person you’re replying to was talking about the actual rules of Medicare, not a philosophical argument about whether he deserves it or not.

   4. Yes, you sound unreasonable and petty here. “Why should he get to restore at an earlier age?” is incredibly petulant, and he should “get to retire” when he chooses because he is an adult.

      But the decision about retirement and finances should be a joint one, and it sounds like you need a few conversations to decide how you want your financial lives to function 10 years from now.

      1. Nah he doesn’t get to speed up his retirement on OPs dime. He’s trying to take advantage of her

         1. They are married, it is a shared dime. And it seems the money would be a nice to have, not a need to have…maybe retiring two years earlier is worth more to him than another vacation. Depending on the amount in the retirement accounts, $60K could be a drop in the bucket, especially with the growth time still to go (OP seems like she has her savings ducks in a row).

            That said – this is definitely conversation/compromise territory. I don’t think married people should get to unilaterally make any big decisions, since it impacts the whole family.

         2. He is her husband. FFS it’s not on her dime, it’s their dime.

            1. If it truly is their dime, they should both be able to decide, not him unilaterally. That seems to be the issue here.

            2. She’s trying to decide unilaterally for him, though.

         3. He’s her husband and this is a marriage. There’s no “on her dime.” This is an absurd take.

            1. Yes and no. If his ability to retire depends on her savings, then he is technically depending on her dime. I’m 18 years married. I’d be angry if something so significant to affect savings I had built were being decided without me.

   5. This whole situation sounds very unbalanced.

      However, I think it’s very normal for partners to retire at the same time even at different ages. Particularly so when the breadwinner is older. The genders are just usually reversed.

      It definitely seems odd for you to expect your husband to work for another 2 years while you’re off and retired just to make as much as $160k, so what, net $120k? Presumably your retirement nest egg is many many times that and the $120k will be immaterial. If you needed his benefits or something, fine, but just to expect him to work for 2 more years so it’s “equal” does seem off, especially since it sounds like nothing else in your relationship is equal. If he doesn’t bring home the money or parent the kids, what exactly is he doing, again?

   6. I can’t answer the retirement question, but you are the primary breadwinner AND the primary household-runner? Do you resent that? Could that be your real underlying issue with him retiring early?

      1. Seems pretty obvious to me that the husband doesn’t pull his weight and yet still feels entitled to an extra two years of not pulling his weight

         1. This exactly.

         2. Bingo

      2. Yep, this is the real problem. OP, you probably rightly resent doing all the work, and your “payoff” is getting to quit early. Try getting him to do more now and for the next 10 years so you actually still like him when you retire!

         My partner and I are excited to both retire as early as we can get away with, but we’re best friends and want to travel and work on projects together. I’d rather work a little longer if it meant he retired at the same time as me.
         Like you, I pull more weight both in earnings and house stuff, but he has a chronic illness so it is what it is.

   7. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable (and imo he’s the jealous one), but I think it’s also worth it to your marriage to at least hear him out. Maybe you both sit down with a financial counselor and compare both scenarios, look at anticipated retirement income, decide when you want to start taking SS (if you’re in the US), any other retirement distributions, etc.

      It also sounds a bit like you think you’ve been more than pulling your weight and you want a chance to lighten your load without him immediately lightening his too, which means there’s some emotional baggage attached to this.

      1. Thank you for this comment and all of the others! I love this group because I know I will get a reality check when I need it. I guess there is some resentment even though I always knew I would be the breadwinner – that doesn’t mean I have loved it. I am exhausted sometimes with the stress of my job and knowing I have to perform well year in and year out, plus it does bother me sometimes when I have to do all of the other stuff that I mentioned. The other day, my husband did pick up on my expression when I was folding clothes and he was just sitting on the sofa after work – that is what he does every day after work while I am running around getting everything done. Sometimes I just want to sit on the sofa lol! But I appreciate the points about how his salary would just be a drop in the bucket for those 2 extra years so not worth it – I bet that is where he is coming from. Definitely will be having more talks about it and yall have given me alot of insight about how to think about this better.

         1. A lot of the women here have husbands that mistreat them (and financially abuse them too), so take their input with a grain is salt.

            1. Are you saying that she is being treated fairly by her husband? She is not. She needs to pay attention to the advice from “a lot of women here” who “have husbands that mistreat them”. By any objective standard, she is being treated quite poorly.

            2. No I’m saying she is being mistreated and to ignore the folks who say it’s fine.

         2. My advice? Talk to a family law attorney.

            I am not saying to divorce him.

            What I am saying is that if he’s taking advantage of you, consider what exactly would stop him from retiring at 58, divorcing you, and then using the money you have accumulated from your job to finance a sweet retirement for himself? If he were pulling his weight at home, that would be a different story. But he’s free-riding and might continue to do so.

            An attorney can talk to you about things like a post-nup.

         3. One more thing to give more of the picture. When I retire, I will be pursuing my dream job – it is where my heart is but doesn’t pay much so I can’t do it now. So while we do plan to take nice trips, I won’t be around all the time anyway.

            1. Are you really retiring to do something fun like becoming a yoga teacher or a ski instructor, or are you stepping back to another real job like teaching school? If the latter, you aren’t actually retiring.

            2. what?!? That’s not retiring. that’s a career change. what is he going to do? nothing?

            3. To answer the question below, I have always wanted to be a teacher. I am not certified but can sub. I want to be a school teacher (not adjunct professor at a college). I would love to sponsor a club or something at a school too. I have lots of ideas about it lol. I have been very involved with my kids’ school and have contacts there.

            4. does he have a similar vision for his retirement? are you 100% sure he’s aware of your vision?
               are you getting teacher accreditation now? you may want to talk to a few principals/superintendents and see what their thoughts are about hiring an older but new teacher.

            5. If you are “retiring” to become a teacher you aren’t actually retiring. You are changing careers.

            6. Lady…. you’re talking about a career change and he’s going to do retire early to do nothing as far as you’ve shared…. These are not the same things. This “drop in the bucket” could be paying for a kids wedding or downpayment. It could be more vacations or more eating out or keeping a cleaner in your busier years.

               If he “retires” while you’re working, will he agree to talk on 80% of the household chores to make up for the difference?

         4. So solve that problem. What’s so hard about saying “it’s rude and disrespectful to sit there like a bump on a log while I run the household. Get up, fold the laundry, and contribute.”

            1. Right?? OP you have some agency in this situation.

            2. Oh if only it were that easy. That often doesn’t work and you’re someone who is in a too bad to stay too good to leave situation, or need to stick around at least for a while for Reasons.

         5. It sounds like you have a marriage’s-worth of resentment about him not pulling his weight that you’ve not addressed.

         6. Does he do other stuff to contribute to the family and household running as it should? Because literally sitting on the couch watching you fold laundry is ridiculous.

            My husband and I ended up with a more traditional gendered split of household chores, with me doing a lot of cooking and laundry, and him doing a lot of car maintenance and finances.

            But he’ll do dishes and laundry, and I’ll get my oil changed. He wouldn’t sit there and watch me do OUR laundry if he’s just watching TV.

            1. My husband will sit as I fold the laundry, but it’s because he’s just cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen. I don’t mind. We have a different approach to how we handle things…he likes to do all his “chores” then sit and relax, while I like to relax in little pockets throughout and then go back to tasks. So maybe earlier when the laundry was dry I sat and read a book and had some tea while he cooked; now he is sitting while I fold that laundry.

               It’s not a blanket “you and your husband must always be doing the same thing”. But if she feels her husband isn’t taking ownership of enough at home, that IS a problem

   8. I think this is a conversation, and maybe a bigger one than simply about retirement, since it sounds like there is underlying resentment about your larger contribution to your family? There’s a reason that you mentioned your primary parenting duties in addition to breadwinning. I’m also older than my husband, and we plan to retire at the same time, but we don’t have a situation where either of us feels like they contribute more, and our goal is to maximize our free time to travel together while we’re both healthy and active. (I have some solo plans for retirement too, but on the whole, I think it will still be a lot more fun for me if we retire together.)

   9. You should retire at 67 and he should retire at 65.

   10. The #1 thing I look forward to in retirement is spending more time with my spouse, and if they’re not retired yet, then I’d just assume keep working. It’s 100% okay that you don’t feel that way! But is it possible that he was just assuming that this is what retirement meant because he likes you and is looking forward to you having more time, and that’s why he reacted the way he did?

       It would definitely bother me that he brought up jealousy and that he seems to have assumed this decision rather than discussing it, but I’d try to approach it with an open mind about what it all meant to him even if there needs to be a more practical plan.

       1. He called her jealous because he KNOWS he takes advantage of her and has the better end of the deal and relishes in that power.

          1. That’s reading a lot into this, but I do think the fact that OP is retiring to take a dream job makes my 10:24 take unlikely.

       2. If he really wants more relaxed time spend w OP, he could accomplish that now by assuming more responsibility on the personal side. That would free up time for OP and she would be less exhausted. He just wants mommy to take care of him and to stay home from school and play.

   11. have you guys talked about what early retirement will look like? if you’re thinking about travel or bucket list type stuff then he’s not wrong to realize his job will interfere with those plans and it’s probably simpler to just quit.

       but agree with everyone else, healthcare is the huge piece of this. especially with the ACA on the chopping block.

   12. You need to talk and not unilaterally decide things. Maybe the solution is what’s on the table, maybe you both work an extra year to have a bigger cushion, maybe he gets a different job for the next 5 years that pays more, maybe you cut out certain things, etc. But whatever you come to, you need to figure it out together and you can’t order him to work. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be retired and have my husband still be working, where’s the fun in that.

   13. We both retired at the same time so we could travel together. But only after doing a joint financial plan.

   14. You’ve gotten good advice on the retirement question, so I’ll join the others in suggesting
       you have an honest talk about household duties and making them feel more equitable for the next 10 years. Fair Play may be worth a read (even though I don’t love the nitty gritty system, it is helpful for framing and starting the conversation).

       It’s also possible your styles of “household management” are different; maybe you tune into the daily tasks more while he focuses on bigger things, or he handles all the cars and yard work, or you like being super involved with the kids activities so it does make sense for you to own that (while he does finances or some other big broad chore). I know in my own relationships, it’s easy to underestimate the contributions of the other person because they are not front of mind to me. But it’s important to level set to make sure each of your priorities are getting addressed.

       Also, make sure to get your kids involved! There is definitely a tend among upper middle class families to pick up all the slack for their kids because “school is their job”, but kids are never too busy to help around the house. They can fold their own laundry, for example. It serves them in the long run, teaching them basic life skills and training them to consider the needs of others. (This is a huge knock on Fair Play IMO – the kids were never assigned any tasks.)

       1. Re: your second paragraph. It’s a crock of you-know-what. It is so much more work to “handle daily tasks” than it is to mow the lawn and take the cars to the mechanic once a year.

          1. Yup. His “style” is lazy bump on log

          2. Day to day activities are way harder than fortnightly activities. Plus there’s no room for procrastination, you literally need to eat every day, you can hold off on an oil change for a week if it’s inconvenient, not so much when chores sustain life.

          3. Ok maybe I worded it poorly; I wasn’t excusing him from daily tasks, I was offering suggestions to think about how you are currently operating/everything it takes to run a household – maybe he thinks he’s doing a lot, but it doesn’t feel fair because of the way things are split. Then, after you’ve honestly appraised everything, reallocate.

       2. So I am the sole breadwinner in my family. We were both working, but with small kids it got too much to juggle and we discovered our lives were way less stressful with my husband staying home. As a result we have a 50’s style marriage, only the gendered roles are reversed. I work a demanding/stressful job that often requires I work around 60 hours a week. As a result, he handles all aspects of parenting and household work. My time outside of work is spent 100 percent doing fun things with the kids and as a family versus cleaning/chores. These were not all tasks he was comfortable with before and he has learned to do them and do them relatively well with me being hands off.

          I plan to cut down to part time with a huge pay cut at age 45 and likely retire completely by 55. When I cut down to part time, my husband will be returning to work just so he can provide health insurance to our family even though our nest egg will enable us to live a very comfortable life retired. He plans to work until 65 barring any health issues. These types of things need to be clearly communicated to ensure both people are on the same page. It is a partnership and the nest egg is for both. It does not matter who primarily financially contributed, because unless you have a prenup, if you go through a divorce it will likely be divided in two. I would sit down with a marriage counselor to discuss the jealously allegation and sit down with a financial advisor or wealth management to ensure that both of you are able to retire at the same time and if not, what compromise can be reached together.

          1. oh interesting, this is exactly my marriage and my husband also plans to return to work to provide health insurance around 45. Have never met anyone else with our exact life plan. We love it; hope it works out as envisioned for both of us :-)

             1. I’m really impressed with both of you, having thought thru such a great partnership.

   15. Can you elaborate more on “happy to help out when needed”? Was there ever a plan in the marriage that split duties equally? I know control freaks that won’t relinquish control so I don’t know if that is the situation here. I do agree with the person that commented this situation seems unbalanced, but need more facts. Without knowing more, I would delegate more duties to your husband during your last 10 working years.

   16. I think retirement is a joint decision that depends on both people’s jobs, savings, and access to healthcare, but absent a compelling reason otherwise, I would want us to retire at the same time. What’s the point of being retired if one of you is still going to work and you can’t spend time together? That would just be weird and I don’t understand why you’d find that desirable, though I obviously understand why there are many practical reasons why it happens (health care, one person gets laid off, isn’t physically able to keep doing their job or is miserable, you really need the money…).

       1. This is a weird take to me. Of course retirement can be more fun with a spouse who’s also retired but there’s so much do without a spouse – you have more time for new hobbies, friends, volunteer work, travel (solo, with girlfriends, with tour groups, etc.) and most importantly you *don’t have to work* which is kind of why most people want to retire. It seems weirdly codependent to say there’s no point in retirement if you don’t have a spouse to enjoy it with. Like, do widows and divorced people just… not get to retire?!

          1. Widows and divorced people don’t live with someone who still has to go to work every day. I would be miserable as either the spouse going to work every day while my husband was retired or with my husband stuck on a work schedule while I was retired, though I’d be perfectly happy to be retired alone with no husband in the picture (though devastated to have lost a husband I love and love to share experiences with).

             1. I completely get why it sucks for the still working spouse if they’re not working by choice! I just don’t get this statement “What’s the point of being retired if one of you is still going to work and you can’t spend time together?” It seems extremely co-dependent and like you can’t make your own fulfilling life outside of your spouse. My husband wants to work until his 70s if health permits and I will be retiring long before him. I love him and we have a very happy marriage, but there’s no way in h3ll I want to work to that age if we don’t need the money and I have a list of about a zillion things I’m looking forward to in retirement that don’t require a retired husband. I’ll still see him every morning, evening and weekend like I do now, and I would much rather spend my work day time reading and volunteering and hanging out with friends than working!

          2. Some of us really like spending time with our spouses.

             1. I like spending time with my spouse too but it’s not like you’d see him less if you retired first. You replace your M-F 9-5 job with other stuff when you retire. You still see your spouse the rest of the time. Very few people are hanging out with their spouse during the work day? So I don’t get how it results in less time with your spouse.

   17. The big question is what does your husband plan to do when he retires? I suggest you have an honest discussion about that. If he is not already involved in activities apart from you, he will be lost when he retires and will look to you to fill his days under the guise of ‘spending more time with you.’ Great to spend more time together, but you both need lives of your own too just like you have had when working. Ask me how I know….

   18. Whether it’s reasonable or unreasonable for him to retire at 58 is a financial question. But there’s also a relational question here, and I think that is where you should explore your own sentiments a bit more. Because this post has a “it isn’t faaaaiiiiir” tone that is something I’d hear from my 8 year old; it’s not really something you expect to see in a long-term marriage, where you presumably have moved past scorekeeping. So—perhaps thinking through what is causing you to strike that tone on this issue would serve you well.

       1. People who are anti-score keeping are always the ones who are taking advantage.

          1. Or, people who are pro scorekeeping are convinced that their view of dividing chores is the One Right Way and discounts their partner’s myriad contributions.

             (I don’t think this describes OP, but it might describe you!)

          2. People who are pro score-keeping don’t actually like their spouse and should just get divorced already.

          3. Everyone I’ve ever met who has said “we don’t keep score” is a lazy husband who does nothing while his wife does everything. Several have ended up *shocked pikachu face* divorced once the kids got older.

             1. Oh wow, all of the healthy marriages you know feature two people who keep score on each other? Tell me more!

       2. She’s the breadwinner who also does all the child rearing and homemaking. It’s not score keeping to say that is barely tolerable now and she wouldn’t be able to handle it if he makes this dynamic even more imbalanced.

          1. She doesn’t say that it’s “barely tolerable now.”

       3. But it was the husband who started with the scorekeeping, not the OP.

          1. I love that you’re doing scorekeeping about who started the scorekeeping.

             1. As was the poster who criticized the OP for scorekeeping!

   19. I think this is an odd take. You “get” to retire first because you are older? Has every other thing in your marriage be lockstep? What do you plan to actually do in retirement?

       FWIW, DH and I plan to retire together unless healthcare is a major issue* which might mean one of us works an extra year and the other dips out a little early. The reality though is we will both slowly ease off the gas pedal for about 10 years until we are early 60s.

       * obviously it’s expensive but right now we are in great health. The specifics of coverage may matter more as we near retirement.

   20. I get being annoyed but can you try to treat this like a business decision. Jointly scope out how finances look and any federal benefits by retiring at different ages. Add a column to scope out splitting chores (don’t be detailed, but let him know that he gets to do 50% of the household stuff if he’s retired). Use it to bring more neutrality to the conversation. Like his income would let you eat out more often or update the house, whatever it is…

9. I was the poster who asked a month or so ago about how people are carrying around phones, notebook, etc. in a big office. I see someone else asked last week and the consensus again was that people just hold their items in their hand. I ordered a few of the folio/executive bags recommended here so I am reporting back. The Cuyana Tech Caryall was great in theory as it checked all of my boxes but in practice was disappointing. The 13” was way too small for my average size 13” laptop (though it did fit my personal MacBook Air), and the quality just did not seem very good. I also ordered a Smythson Panama laptop case which was much nicer, but did not feel luxurious enough to match the high price tag. I would consider trying something that uses their other leather texture in the future. I am back to the drawing board. If anyone has unlimited funds, Lucrin has a padfolio that has two phone slots on the left and a notebook area on the right and it’s exactly what I had in mind.

   1. Take a look at Leatherology and Mark & Graham. Both have similar items and not unreasonably priced.

   2. there are lots of padfolios – cheap ones on amazon, colorful ones on etsy. trapper keeper for adults.

      maybe also look up executive clutches / briefolios?

      1. I don’t want a cheap one is the problem. I want something high quality and am willing to spend up to $500. The biggest challenge is finding something that has a place or room to store multiple phones.

   3. I was gifted a two-zipper laptop case from Away and it sounds like it could fit what you need, although it’s not the most exciting thing to look at. It’s called “The Laptop Sleeve.”

      1. Yes!! That but in a nice lux leather is exactly what I want! Belroy used to make one but they stopped.

   4. Where are you all going so frequently that you need to carry your computer and multiple phones and the kitchen sink?

      1. I work for a F500 and go to meetings, lunches, etc. on different floors where I will be away from my workspace for hours and so need my person and work phones and laptop. Sometimes I need an iPad or notebook or other items too. Are other people just going to meetings empty handed?

         1. I bring a notebook and my phone and usually a cup of coffee and I hold them and/or put them in my pockets.

            To me, being away from my office for that long and traveling to different floors and whatnot is logistically the same as going offsite, so I’d just bring my tote.

         2. If you are away from your desk for that long, just carry a slim tote/briefcase that has all your office stuff, plus other small things you might need like water, mints, cough drops, badges, etc.

         3. I carry my laptop and phone. That’s all I need.

         4. Yes this was my life working for a company in lower manhattan that had several floors of office space in 4 buildings near each other but not adjoining. I totally get you, OP.

            What I ended up doing was carrying my tote everywhere but I did notice that most women didn’t – they carried everything in their hands, as OP says.

   5. Just splurge and get the Lucrin.

   6. Harber London has some that may suit your needs.

   7. Danish brand Mismo have leather laptop pouches with two phone slots, it’s called Protector.

      I think you will find what you are looking for in the mens’ accessories section at a department store that will also carry Hugo Boss, Zegna, Mulberry and similar. Slightly dapper and higher end mens’ leather portfolio.

10. I’m searching for a cute yet professional-ish jumpsuit that I can wear when getting drinks with colleagues. Where should I look? I’m a big Boden shopper but nothing there is standing out to me.

    1. i question whether jumpsuits are still a thing, but maybe that’s me. why not just go for a cute top with jeans?

       1. I love jumpsuits. They feel way way easier to me than top + jeans combo, and I usually feel a step up in a one piece outfit. Jumpsuits are my answer to dresses, because I prefer pants to dress skirts.

          OP, White House Black Market has a whole bunch of jumpsuits that skew professional.

    2. Do you intend to go from office to drinks in this? Or is it more of a weekend happy hour that happens to be with work friends?

    3. Yeah I don’t think jumpsuits are really a thing anymore.

11. My BIL was a resident at a hospital and now a doctor at another hospital. I didn’t know him well before the wedding. When I visit, I maybe just see him at a meal because he is always working. I recently visited my sister and I’ve noticed something over the years. She is always badmouthing the nurses and lately it’s the female doctors “who are all getting pregnant so that they can’t get deployed”. It’s dawning on me that he must be a pill at work — everything is always someone else’s fault for his job being hard and everyone else is just lazy and gaming the system (e.g., when is a female doctor going to have babies but in her 20s or 30s, the same years she is in med school, residency, or a new doctor? They are having babies they will care for for 18+ years and aren’t having babies AT you, ditto the nurses, etc.). And then he comes home and says all this to my sister who treats it as gospel and who knows how many times she repeats it? [She is going full tradwife now that she’s married to a doctor, so I am sure she never appreciates the other side of the story or how he might be hella wrong.] But if a doctor is always complaining about the nurses and other doctors, maybe sometimes the common denominator is the problem, no?

    1. This would rub me the wrong way, like you.
       Just out of curiosity, did your sister have career aspirations, work or study before being a doctor’s wife?

    2. My spouse is a doctor, has never talked like this, and yes, the guy in his residency class who did is a total pill who no one liked (to the point where he got written up for the way he spoke to some other people, actually).

    3. How do you know it’s coming from your BIL and not your sister herself? Maybe she wants a baby and/or a career and is bitter that she doesn’t have one? Maybe she is jealous of the women with whom he works?

       1. This was my thought. She somehow sees his women colleagues as competition: they are having kids and being doctors and she’s “only” a SAHM. Perhaps her husband is a jerk about his female colleagues and she realises that he doesn’t respect women (her included). Maybe it’s something different, but happy and secure people don’t say this stuff.

    4. Are you sure it’s not coming from your sister? Maybe he’s telling totally innocuous stories about work but she fixates on the females and twists the stories because she’s a jealous and insecure tradwife.

    5. Because I’m petty, on the pregnant colleagues thing, I would totally be tempted to use a standard response like “Must be so hard on them to have to sacrifice their career progression. Men have it so much easier to be able to have kids whenever they want.” And then change the subject before she can object.

       Respond to all complaints about female colleagues as though she’s saying how hard they have it.

       When one on one, if that doesn’t work, I would straight up say that you’re not really interested in hearing about BIL’s complaints about working women. And ask her about herself.

       For group situations, I’d grey rock. Ignore and change the subject.

    6. Doctor’s tend to measure on a scale where the best are genuinely nice people who really like to be helpful, maybe have a bit of a martyr complex, and people who are in it for the money, prestige, and power over others. Sounds like BIL is the second kind.

    7. Working in a field with deployments, there will never be a good time to be pregnant and you will always be blamed for getting pregnant to get out of deployments.

    8. Breaking news: some people are jerks

    9. uh, most of my female friends are doctors (i’m not), so i dont get this. also being a doctor’s wife isnt what it used to be

       1. How has it changed? Are doctors less wealthy now?

          1. I think yes? The cost of schooling and overhead and insurance have all gone up out of pace to recompense, especially for primary care and any specialties that primarily see less valuable patients such as women and children (as opposed to specialties that see men).

          2. Yes. Compared with other fields, doctors are in school for longer and will be paid relatively little, in comparison to their loans, until 5-10 years out of school. So, among my doctor friends, it’s not until they are mid-30s before there really starts to be money (assuming they are in a lucrative field).

    10. My husband is a doctor and took two parental leaves. Yeah it’s annoying to rework the schedule but both men and women take leave these days. He loves the nurses and would not badmouth them. Seems like maybe your BIL puts too much self worth on being a doctor and your sister likewise on being a doctor’s wife. (At least from my perspective the latter isn’t anything to write home about… insane hours, too low pay at least in academia/the places where a spouse could pursue a career of their own, crippling debt, etc)

    11. Idk, your sister might be coming up with her shitty opinions all on her own. Kind of funny you’re criticizing him for everything being someone else’s fault but making your sister’s shitty behavior his fault.

12. I have apparently reached my ‘Christmas Village’ and indoor Easter Tree age. It’s still cold/snowy/gloomy in the Northeast and I could use all the springtime festive decor – hit me up with your favorite indoor Easter decorations!

    1. Fave decor is my grandma’s: candy tucked in every random crevice throughout the house for an indoor easter egg hunt. Tops of picture frames, inside light fixtures, behind furniture legs, inside the ends of curtain rods, nestled inside every tchotchke in the china cabinet, you name it. She puts it out at least a week in advance, but no one is allowed to touch any of it until AFTER easter dinner dishes have been taken care of. Then it’s a whole-family free-for-all.

    2. Go to a florist and buy a planted basket with forced bulbs.

       Also, Pottery Barn always has some great Easter decor options. Just went and looked online and they have a whole Easter Shop.

    3. Fresh flowers and a Springy scented candle. Something yummy baking.

    4. I collect bird’s nests–don’t come at me, I freeze them for a while to kill any bugs. I love to make an arrangement with a nest, some faux moss, 2 taper candles, maybe a ceramic bird, some p@ssy willows, etc. Really pretty and hand done. YOu can find faux nests and eggs on Amazon.

    5. I prefer daffodils and forced potted narcissus plants, but if you want a tradtion for life, look at the porcelain eggs from Royal Copenhagen.

13. Travel backpack suggestions? I want something not too large/heavy to take on flights. Specifically, something that will fit my 5-foot frame that wasn’t designed for a man. Just the basics, holders on the side water bottles & a zip pouch in the front. I’m looking at Baggallini. Do you have any favorites or brand suggestions?

    1. I have the Lo and Sons Rowledge and it checks your boxes – water bottle holder on both sides, front zip pocket, laptop compartment/divider thing and it has the panel so it can slide onto your suitcase handle. I’m 5’4″ and do not feel overwhelmed by it.

    2. Not fancy, but I saw this one in store and it looked a lot nicer than I would have expected for the price point. Light and has all the basics you outlined. https://www.target.com/p/17-5-34-backpack-beige-open-story-8482/-/A-88563338?preselect=88563339#lnk=sametab

    3. I really like my Patagonia backpack for this

    4. Minaal’s travel backpack works really well for me as a woman, but I’m several inches taller than you. Still, worth checking out.

    5. LL Bean School book pack would be an option. It’s small but sturdy. A lot of the color options are bright primary colors (since, let’s be honest, most of these are carried by kids). I got red which is a darker red and reads less juvenile or more classic.

       1. I’ve also had the LL Bean Mountain Classic Cordura Pack Mini and found it comfortable, and much less instantly recognizable.

    6. I love the Everlane ReNew Transit backpack. It has a water bottle holder on one side, zip pouches, a fold-over flap, and a strap to go over your suitcase handle. I’m petite and it’s perfect for me.

14. The NyQuil/benadryl post yesterday about it increasing risk for dementia got me worried. I have insomnia issues that arise about 1x per week, and the one thing that really helps is taking a NyQuil when it comes up (average of once a week). How bad is this? The studies I found on it increasing risk for dementia seems to be for older adults who take it daily

    1. What does your doctor think?

       1. Doctors don’t tend to be up on the latest research or to react well to patients’ bringing it up.

          1. The fuck sort of doctors you seeing, friend? Every doctor I’ve seen has reacted just fine to all of my questions.

             1. I’ve never met a doctor who is appreciative of a patient doing their own research. I’ve gotten many sassy comment about ‘google’ from doctors. There really is a god genius complex and most doctors hate being questioned or having less knowledge than a patient

             2. We are living in two different realities.

             3. My PCP is the same. I and my fiance walked in wheezing from what urgent care had diagnosed & was treating as pneumonia and he dismissed it as bronchitis. Similarly dismissed high blood sugar symptoms in my fiance that were also caught by urgent care.

                After we urged him to take a listen with his stethoscope and do bloodwork on my fiance, he conceded both (pneumonia + prediabetes) — but we really had to self-advocate.

    2. They do studies on older adults because that’s who’s likely to get dementia in the relatively near future. It’s not practical to do studies on 30 year olds and wait 50 years to see if they get dementia, but it’s likely that taking it now is increasing your risk to some extent. The data on this are solid enough that I wouldn’t take it regularly without a good reason. Once in a while if you’re extra stressed out is one thing, but once a week for years suggests you should come up with a better long term solution to the problem. Or if nothing else works and insomnia is causing lots of problems, just decide that the risk is worth the benefits, but recognize that there is a risk.

    3. My sleep neurologist made it sound like it wasn’t just that anticholinergics increase risk of dementia and memory issues, but also that they can be dependency forming, so there are better approaches to insomnia.

       Brain acetylcholine is also good for sleep quality, so sedatives that lower choline aren’t optimal for getting the most of sleep, as I understand it.

    4. Lack of sleep raises your risk of dementia too, as well as a whole host of other mental and physical health problems, and makes life miserable. I see various endocrinologists and neurologists who know a lot about sleep issues and every doctor I’ve talked to has basically said, “don’t use these meds for fun but if you need them to sleep, take them because not sleeping is worse.”

       You might ask your doctor about hydroxyzine which has anticholinergic properties but less so than benadryl and is (for me) a stronger sedative. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15627436/

    5. Not a great plan to use weekly. Time to think about what is contributing to your insomnia. Read an article about sleep hygiene. And then talk with your doctor.

    6. Poor sleep is also connected to dementia so pick your poison.

       1. Not all sleep is equally neuroprotective. I second talking to your doctor. Ask what the best sleep aid would be. The Internet has some extremely bad suggestions, like addictive substances.

    7. I mean, obviously you should try to actually treat the weekly insomnia rather than continue to take unnecessary cold medicine for the rest of your life.

    8. Scientist here (cancer is my usual bit).
       So I took a look at the JAMA article- this research is interesting but doesn’t seem like the sort of finding I’d change my behaviors on alone. Basically there’s been a few observational studies showing increased risks in people who had taken benadryl or tricyclic antidepressants. Given that these are observational, it’s hard to say that these drugs cause dementia- it could just as easily be that people who have dementia tend to have allergies or needed an antidepressant (depression is a known risk factor for dementia in and of itself).

       Especially since not sleeping is also a risk factor for dementia, I’d stick with what you’re doing.

       1. You really think that anticholinergics are probably okay for cognition?

          I don’t know any doctor who recommends Nyquil as a routine sleep aide.

       2. Yeah not a scientist but also thought it seemed more like correlation than causation. People who are developing early stage dementia but don’t yet have memory loss are more likely to have disrupted sleep (pretty sure there are studies on this) and people with disrupted sleep are obviously more likely to take sleep aids.

15. When you are in tourist mode and need to do wash in a hotel sink, what do you use as soap / detergent? Will Dr Bronners multitask this much? Or something else?

    1. I always used to use the Woolite travel packets, but apparently they’re no longer available! I guess I’d look for something similar but more modern (like one with enzymes). Whether castille soap rinses thoroughly depends on how hard vs. soft the water is, which I don’t have control over when traveling.

       1. Shoot, really? Woollite travel packets have always been my go-to for sink laundry.

          1. I just checked on Amazon and they recommend something called Sink Suds. Guess I will buy a few and see how they work.

             1. I used these on a recent trip to Europe and they weren’t as good as the Woolite, but still effective.

    2. Blue dawn. I buy a mini bottle for my extended TDYs and deployments and use that to wash clothes and dishes in the bathroom sink as needed.

       I also travel with quarters and laundry detergent sheets if I have access to a washing machine.

    3. Soak detergent. I rinse even though the instructions say you don’t need to.

    4. Bronners works for me for the occasional piece.

    5. Honestly, I’ve used the hotel room handsoap and thought it worked pretty well.

       If I’m doing a longer, backpacking style trip, I prefer “wilderness wash” to Dr Bronners as my all-purpose body soap/laundry/dishes/shampoo

    6. Shampoo if in a pinch. If I am planning ahead, I would take a little travel bottle of Eucalan (it’s a no-rinse wool wash that I use for my handknit items, very similar to Soak).

    7. I use the hotel hand soap in a pinch, but on longer trips I usually travel with laundry sheets (magical, they dissolve in water, but you don’t have to worry about leaking in your bag), so I just use half of one of those.

    8. Shampoo.

    9. Grew up using shampoo as double duty, but now with the restrictions on liquids I use Tide laundry packets. They’re pretty great, super easy and light, have never had a problem flying internationally.

       https://a.co/d/d0l3MnI

16. Am I the jerk?
    My BFF and I have been planning a week-long trip just the two of us that is very important/sentimental to us/our friendship. For about three years we’ve held doing it this fall on our calendars/in our minds for various reasons. We haven’t booked anything yet but still could.
    When I started talking about this trip in earnest earlier this year (my husband knew this was the plan generally), my husband started joking that I can’t go until our oldest kid drives, which would be next year at the earliest, because it would be too hard on him with our kids’ schedules. I told him we can find help and he can suck it up for a week.
    Fast-forward to a few weeks ago, I was in an accident (not my fault) and got an injury that will heal fully but for now means I am not walking for 4 weeks and not driving for 8, putting a huge burden on him. He had to cancel a trip with some guy friends that he had scheduled this weekend, although it was an important trip it was also a last-minute one that I had encouraged him to book before I got injured.
    I feel terrible about all of this. He’s doing amazing and we do have other help. Obviously he’s super bummed he had to cancel his trip and I am sensitive to that—he can and should book another trip to see these friends once I am better but it won’t be quite the same.
    Last night he brought up my BFF trio again, basically saying I can’t/shouldn’t do it this year and leave him alone for a week yet again after all this mess.
    Could my BFF and I push it one more year after years of waiting for me to be done with the pregnancy/little kid/etc years? Well yes. Do I want to? No.
    Thoughts?

    1. It’s not fair for a partner with a spouse close to burnout to take more time away, putting more burden on the burnt spouse. Sorry not sorry. If the shoe were on the other foot, you’d likely be similarly bummed. Best strategy for salvaging your trip would be to propose ways to make less burden on him (driver plus meal service plus ?) AND see what he needs to not be so burnt out because of the earlier junk. Not sure what your spouse wants/needs. Is that a thoughtful gift (watch?), a weekend away golfing? rescheduling his boy’s trip with a firm booking? Etc. etc. If partner can’t accommodate this year, he can’t.

       1. OP doesn’t describe either of them as burnt out and she has been planning this trip for 3 years.

       2. He’s not close to burn out. Sounds like he’s never had to do much and now resents having to pitch in at all

          1. ding ding ding

          2. Agree

       3. Projecting much?

       4. I’d agree with you if the trip were in like March. But even if he’s burned out now, her trip is 6 months away. He will have months of her resuming her normal activities before he has to step in again. I don’t think asking one parent to take most of the load once every 6 months – especially when one is a medical emergency, especially with kids in HS – is too much.

    2. Is he usually an equal parent? That would be my deciding factor and TBH I don’t know many men who are

    3. You say you have other help, but it sounds like it wasn’t adequate to allow him to go on this trip. Is that mainly because he had to do extra caretaking while you’re off your feet? I can understand not wanting to hire out for something like that, but any problem that a kid with a driver license could solve, I’d think that “hiring a driver” for a week could solve. I guess it sounds like the “we can find help” plan isn’t working currently, but I am not sure why.

       1. +1. What kind of help do you currently have? I am not having such a visceral reaction to your husband as most people on this thread, so if I were in your shoes, I would try to sit down with him and see what else you can do now to take some of the stress off of him while you’re recovering. And also while you’re on vacation in the fall. Finding a reliable driver to help with the kids seems like it might the most obvious option.

    4. If you’d just said the part about your injury and him having to cancel the guys’ trip, I’d say cancel your BFF trip, because that sounds really hard on him. BUT the first sentence “When I started talking about this trip in earnest earlier this year (my husband knew this was the plan generally), my husband started joking that I can’t go until our oldest kid drives, which would be next year at the earliest, because it would be too hard on him with our kids’ schedules,” is utterly ridiculous and for that reason I say he’s being an unreasonable man baby and you should just go.

    5. Does your trip with your friends need to be a full week? Would shortening it to 4 days be a compromise you could propose?

       1. No, don’t do this to placate a petulant man baby. A week is nothing! Don’t cut your trip with your BFF in half for this reason.

          1. Agreed. He can deal. I promise he’ll survive and maybe even develop some confidence.

    6. If your oldest kid is 15, there should not be so much burden on your husband that you have to sacrifice an important trip. Put the onus on the kids to take the lead in finding car pools and being responsible for their own schedules, packing their own stuff, etc, or they can skip everything except school while you are gone! A 15yo is also completely capable of doing more around the house to maintain minimum standards while you are gone. Teach the kids to cook and do their own laundry and clean a toilet NOW in preparation.

       If your kids were under 5, maybe a different story. But even still, if your husband can’t manage ONE WEEK alone with teenagers, that’s a problem.

       (My sob story is that I had Covid, three young kids, and was pregnant when my husband left for a week-long business trip. It was very important, but the Covid meant I couldn’t have my mom come help as planned. We survived and it was FINE and we got extra take out and movies.)

       1. This. Your oldest is 15 so unless you have absolutely massive age gaps, all your kids are pretty self-sufficient. His reaction is what you’d expect if you were leaving him with three kids under 5.

    7. No way I would push the trip out further! It’s nuts that he tried to get you to cancel a trip until the oldest kid drives!!!

       He’s a huge jerk by trying to get you to cancel this for driving reasons. There’s uber and babysitters. Hire a local high schooler to uber with the kids to the events that he cannot take them to.

       He can go on his trip next year or another time this year.

       FWIW – my DH works full time, I work part time and I’m the primary parent. I’ve taken two long weekends with girlfriends in the last year and he took a week long trip to see his brother. Don’t wait until your kids are grown to spend time with your friends. You are being a good mom by going and modeling that moms need friends too.

    8. Go. Make time for him to reschedule and you go

    9. Your husband sounds like the one from the retirement post. I would not postpone or cancel. Stuff happens! Husband should deal with it, and do so gracefully imo.

    10. The big “burden” that your husband has had to shoulder is…driving your kids around a little bit? What a baby. Go on your trip.

    11. He’s being a jerk. The trip isn’t even for like 6 months after this injury.

        Start musing about making the trip an annual tradition because your injury makes you realize how short life is. He wants to cancel it? You want to make it annual or even every six months.

    12. No, I’m so glad my husband isn’t selfish like that.

        1. Right? Some women do not know how to pick a man. But not you.

           1. Correct, ma’am. I held out and didn’t compromise when it came to picking a spouse. Sorry you did.

    13. Is the worst case scenario that he’ll become overwhelmed and drop the ball and kids may miss some of the stuff they have scheduled? Or what are the stakes that would make you delay the trip?

        1. Yeah, I don’t understand what could go so horribly wrong. I’ve only got 1 (much younger) kid but I’d be really worried if my husband and teens/tweens couldn’t manage a week without me. I travelled weekly when my son was 4-6, and they seemed to get along just fine? I would have felt a bit bad doing a “just for fun” trip when I was travelling weekly, but my husband encouraged me to tack a few days onto my trip when I was in Montreal for work, etc.

           My husband had surgery and was laid up for two weeks, then I had a bad case of Covid, and we just asked for favours and cut back on what we did.

    14. Do NOT cancel your trip. Your husband can take his trip before then. It’s important for you both to have time away, he has adequate notice, and getting an injury doesn’t mean you “owe” him in the future. That’s scorekeeping and it’s toxic. Have a great time with your friend!

    15. No, not a jerk at all. Your husband should not have joked that you can’t go. You are a grown adult. Things happen in life, and next year something else may happen too. I would go on the BFF trip.

    16. Go on the trip…but honestly, I would have let your husband go, too. Sounds like it was just for a long weekend, during your recovery (not the weekend after the injury). Same advice – your oldest is 15, make your kids pick up the slack/miss an activity if they can’t find a ride.

    17. Your husband is being unreasonable, not you.

    18. I mean, the trip is in fall and it’s currently February. I absolutely wouldn’t cancel a trip that’s ~6 months after the current mini-crisis. It will not take him 6 months to recover from taking over the household with nearly grown kids for a few weeks. And the kids should be helping more too, if they’re not already.

        It sounds more like he wants you to suffer just because he had to sacrifice. Which isn’t a good look. Encourage him to take a weekend for himself, even if it has to be alone, over the summer once you’re healed, and hopefully he’ll regain his sanity.

    19. How many kids and what is the burden? I.e., do you have 5 kids who all play travel sports in disparate locations and your getaway takes place the week your spouse has trial? Or is this two kids who just need to be picked up from school and the youngest might need to miss a weekly playdate?

    20. Thanks all. I appreciate the feedback. I would like to point out that I think both that 1) his jokes about the BFF trip were ridiculous and silly and manbabyish and I’ve told him so and 2) he is a great dad and husband generally and we have a division of labor that is mostly fair under our circumstances. Both can be true, nobody has to be perfect all the time.
        I wish he hadn’t cancelled his trip. I thought there were a few ways we could have made it work but the major help we have around right now are his parents and what they would have had to accomplish over the 4 days he would have been gone was too much, in his mind (and probably in reality).
        The major issue right now is that not only can I not drive, but I also cannot walk. So there are so many other things I can’t do right now. My kids are picking up the slack and so is he. I think he’s usually very levelheaded and matter of fact about these things—we have no choice but to make it through—and he’s also not very emotive, so I think brining up my trip again last night was his way of expressing frustration. Your responses helped me think through all this more—we’ll give ourselves a few more weeks of grace all around.

    21. Lots of good responses here. But I also want to add, maybe this trip impacts the kids slightly for a week and they don’t get to go to an after school activity or they’re forced to ask a friend’s parent for a ride. I think it’s good to teach them that Mom is a human being with wants and needs that sometimes get prioritized.

        1. +1

           Besides the benefits to yourself, you are building kids who will be adults that will expect to be able to take a vacation with a friend or support their partner to do so.

17. I’m 55 and my Marketplace plan is 1400 per month, including dental. So check your state so you know what the cost is for you both.

18. why is there a line of Native deodorants in dunkin donuts flavored scents? do people actually want to smell like donuts?

    1. He may not be the target market, but my nine year old son asked for deodorant and didn’t like any of the “man” scents, but he sure liked the Native line with their fun smells of Dunkin Donuts and Jarritos juice. I’m happy there’s an offering for his demographic!

       1. That’s adorable!

    2. That is not deodorant. That is odorant.

    3. I think it’s a weird collab because Native is directed to folks who want more natural products, and there are few things less natural than a Dunkin donut. That said, my favorite product line clearly has scents that appeal more to kids, like Birthday Cake, and scents that appeal more to adults.

    4. They had one for Girl Scout cookies recently as well. It struck me as bizarre, but I am clearly not their target audience!

19. I’m meeting with HWN retirees in the Bay Area next week for work, and I’m at a loss for what to wear. I haven’t been to the Bay since pre-COVID. It’s going to be upper 50s/low 60s. When I last went, I was overdressed in a suit. Pants + a sweater/cardigan or scarf? A dress + tights + boots (ankle, knee high?) or flats?

    1. Pants and some layering; it’s been cool in the morning and warm in the afternoon.

    2. I work with HNW retirees in the Bay Area. I wear nice slacks, loafers, and a merino crew neck or higher v-neck sweater most days. I have a blazer in my office just in case, but I rarely wear it with clients. Clients often come in wearing jeans or similar casual wear.

20. what are your favorite modest but cute swimsuits? family trip coming up with my inlaws… thank you!

    1. JCrew’s ruched bandeau one-piece or one-shoulder one-piece. Great long torso options if you need them.

       Tommy Bahama tankinis. Bust seems to run a little on the generous size as I’m a C usually and the S cups in the molded styles can feel too loose.

    2. The Sidestroke by Summersalt

       1. The Sidestroke is the answer!

          1. +1 I have this swimsuit and love it.

       2. Another rec for this one, but I did have issues with the white band on mine yellowing after a bit. But I used it for 3-4 summers! I’m ordering a new one this year.

    3. I bought my first swim romper (with pockets) and now I’m obsessed.

21. My parents going through an issue with a federal agency. It’s a really unfair situation, and I’m doing my best to help them through it. The agency has been awful to work with. Rude, non-responsive, extortionary, just all around bad. And we are trying to resolve it the best way we can, but we are caught in a non-sensical maze. This is my first time dealing with a federal agency on a level like this, and if this is how the federal workers act…then maybe a mass firing is not a bad idea.

    1. This is very dumb. Thousands upon thousands of people should lose their jobs, plunge into poverty, and suffer shame because your parents had one bad experience?

       1. I know it’s dumb! But nobody is acknowledging that there was a real problem.

          1. LOL what a strawman. “Nobody is acknowledging” my ash.

          2. “nobody is acknowledging”

             Even if this were true, is the firing of thousands of people indiscriminately and haphazardly the answer?

             “if this is how federal workers act”

             If we can safely generalize your parents’ bad experience with one agency to the entire federal workforce, then we can make all kinds of assumptions. If my grandmother had wheels, she’d be a bicycle.

             I don’t think you meant anything beyond a semi-joking tongue-in-cheek comment, but people will react to statements like this.

       2. The whole point of the post is that she doesn’t know if this is “one bad experience” or par for the course. That’s what the word “if” means.

          1. Imagine thinking that an experience with one issue with one agency with one person/a few people can reasonably be extrapolated to speak to all federal workers. I doubt that an “overachieving chick” could have such poor reasoning skills. This is not a reasonable, good-faith concern. It’s rage bait.

             1. Agreed, it’s more astroturfing and not a very good attempt at that. Don’t take the bait.

             2. The discourse is that federal workers are heroes. But my experience has been so bad. if people are dealing with inefficient, unfair practices, then they are going to be cynical about the government and they are not going to see much value in it. I don’t need a white paper on it. Their personal experience is going to matter a lot more.

             3. Federal workers are often fighting uphill battles against stupid policies and requirements, while understaffed and equipped only with aging, clunky technology.

                Honestly some of my friends had a sliver of hope that there was any real interest in improving efficiency so that they could do their jobs more easily. Of course there’s been nothing of the sort.

             4. “The discourse is that federal workers are heroes.”
                I called this out as rage bait and yet here I go. Is this the discourse? Really? Conservatives/Republicans have for YEARS consistently disparaged federal workers. Go look on any conservative social media platform, listen to any conservative social media right now. They are absolutely gleeful at these layoffs. You will see the idea that federal workers are lazy, incompetent, freeloading moochers who do nothing but hamper Real Americans and Job Creators repeated over and over again. This is not a new idea. Characterization of the federal government as bloated and frustrating bureaucracy with too much red tape has been going on for decades. You did not express a new or subversive or brave idea here. To the extent that “the discourse is that federal workers are heroes,” this is an outcry in response to poorly planned, large-scale, illegal terminations. Your unjustified extrapolation of a bad experience to all federal workers is asinine. Of course many people are simpleminded and will tend to dislike the federal government if they have a bad experience with it. But we should not conclude from this that hacking up the federal government with a chain saw like this, under the guise of “efficiency” and “reducing waste,” is the solution. It’s like slicing a mushroom with a sedan.

                Heaven forbid you be asked to think critically about the issues beyond your own personal experience– wouldn’t want to unduly tax you.

       3. Also, holy cognitive distortions, Batman. “Plunge into poverty and suffer shame” — seriously? They’re getting laid off; they’re not having their embarrassing emails published in the New York Times.

          1. Many Americans cannot afford to lose their jobs and live paycheck to paycheck. There are tons of stories online about people who got a job within the last year after being in precarious financial circumstances and they have now been fired. If you think a one income household can’t end up in poverty quite quickly because the only employed person lost their job then you have blinders on.

             1. I think “suffer shame” and “plunge into poverty” are ridiculously overdramatic phrasings.

                Issues around people living paycheck to paycheck are not unique to the federal government workforce. So I assume you bring this same drama to every announcement of private sector layoffs, too?

             2. I didn’t write the post that used the language. I responded to the comment which referenced Batman in diminishing the effect of the layoffs on people as though federal employees all live in DC in two income households and make tons of money. If you’re a park ranger who is the sole provider for your family in rural America, you are likely in a very tough spot if you are laid off.

                And yes, private sector mass layoffs can also be devastating and impoverish people. No one is saying that anything about the federal government mass layoffs is unique. I have empathy for people in both private and public sector mass layoffs.

             3. Living paycheck to paycheck isn’t unique to federal workers. These random mass layoffs designed to cause chaos and confusion in this moment are pretty unique. I would hope other employers don’t troll their staff like DOGE is doing.

          2. If publishing my email in the NYT means I can keep my job, in a rural area I moved to for my federal job, at my own expense, where there are no other comparable positions to move in, in order to serve the public, then for God’s sake, print it.

             1. I’m just saying that I have no idea why anyone would “suffer shame” if they got laid off, especially in this context where the layoffs are notoriously non-performance related.

                The layoffs are very bad. They are not going to “plunge [people] into poverty” any more than other layoffs would, and they certainly aren’t cause for shame.

             2. I would have incredible shame being laid off even if rationally it wasn’t my fault and I’d have incredible sympathy for others in such a situation. I just hold myself to different standards.

             3. Good for you, Anon @1:34. I aspire to your level of self regard.

          3. The shame comes in because Musk and his followers are trying to convince the public that all feds are lazy moochers whose contributions are worthless. Don’t take it from me – take it from him. People generally don’t feel good when they’re called worthless.

             1. And that all of the probationary employees were terminated for performance issues!

    2. But when I talk to lawyers who are familiar with the agency, this is a known problem. So, what was going to be the solution? They treat people badly with no consequence? Forever? They have a lot of power. I don’t like Trump either, but this was a real eye opener for me.

       (And I don’t think it will be better under Trump, but the status quo is really bad.)

       1. The solution is clearly stated and publicly available policies and standards for customers/clients. And if you are concerned about the financial aspects, professional auditing done by accountants not tech bros and poor quality AI.

          You ask ‘what is the solution?’ as though randomly cutting people based on hiring date instead of job performance is anything other than incoherent populist nonsense.

          Since you are alleging ‘extortion’, I presume you have reviewed the agency’s finances on the bipartisan usaspending.gov which provides official open data source of federal spending information. Or are you alleging that your parents have been extorted by a particular individual at the agency?

    3. Which agency and how are your parents being ‘extorted’?

       There have been vast staffing cuts across federal government. Maybe the agency is understaffed and therefore slower in responding.

       1. Or maybe bureaucracy is creaky and non-functional at times!

       2. This is obviously a fake story.

          1. It’s not but if that makes you feel better about it. It’s my parents issue, so I don’t feel like blabbing it all over the internet. It’s more about a personal experience that’s made me rethink my opinion about the federal government, which I’ve always held in high regard.

             1. The fact that you won’t even identify the agency makes it seem super fake.

             2. I have no idea why people are pretending that the idea of someone running into red tape at an agency is impossible. Anyone with a relative who’s a veteran can tell you it’s pretty common. And I also think highly of the government in general!

             3. It’s the HRSA.

             4. My mom and stepdad constantly waste time navigating the VA. They need more staff, not less.

             5. Have you considered contacting your local elected officials? This is the kind of constituent service that your Congressperson or Senator’s office would generally love to provide.

          2. Fake rage bait.

    4. I think sometimes people in positions like this, where they really have limited discretion and pressure to get specific results, have to take a rigid approach to their jobs, and sometimes it is more of an “act” than a true reflection of their own personality. Certainly not always, but our work selves are sometimes just how we get a job done. Like my law partner who is the very nicest man but also the person I would go to to fire anyone because of the matter-of-fact approach he takes with it, which I actually think is the most humane for everyone in the end.

       1. Many programs have specific criteria and people think it is within the power of front line staff to make exceptions and are very mad when staff cannot make exceptions. I’m connected with a state level program where active military and reservists are eligible and veterans are not. Front line staff get constant calls from veterans berating us for the program not being available to them.

          1. Yes, I deal with something similar. The rules are the rules, no one can bend them, period. They aren’t being a meanie and they certainly aren’t out to get you or ‘extorting’ anyone, they are simply following the process.

             1. But we aren’t asking them to bend any rules.

             2. Then provide details and stop vague-booking.

    5. This could not be more narcissistic, thoughtless, and uninformed. Jesus. No wonder this country is in the situation it’s in.

    6. I usually take rude and non-responsive customer service experiences/interactions with bureaucracy as understaffed and burnt out. Cutting jobs and making staff take on even more work will only slow down response times.

       1. yeah. This is the kind of insight I was looking for. I know I am wrong! But in the moment, the red tape and inefficiency brings out the worst in me.

          1. So just take a deep breath, go for a run, do some yoga, whatever you need to relax and calm down. Why jump to “definitely every federal worker is rude and bad at their jobs and they prob should all be fired”?

             It’s not logical.

             Other people have pointed out that many processes involving the federal government involve very strict protocols that run of the mill staffers have no authority to deviate from. Is it frustrating? Yes. Is it worth discussing, for any particular process, how it could be made better? Sure. But it why leap to the conclusion that the issues your dealing with are the result of laziness/bad attitude/incompetence and then– and this is the real problem– extrapolating that to every federal worker.

          2. Just a reminder that any red tape has been put there to prevent real or alleged government waste. Any time a new regulation goes in place it’s some attempt at insuring that funds get spent according to the mission, limiting individual discretion and ramping up oversight. Often regulations exist to convert laws from Congress into actionable format for agencies.
             If government regulations were enacted to purposely provide worse service to society, that would only make sense for someone who’d benefit from slowly ruining the reputation of government services, drastically cutting the size of government and increased privatization.

             1. Sometimes, people are bad at their jobs, paperwork gets misplaced or misfiled, someone doesn’t make a call they need to make, etc. It just is not the case that every headache caused by interacting with an agency is because of a regulation that is in the public good.

    7. you know those federal workers are trying to do their job while their coworkers are being fired (therefore the remaining ones are having their workloads doubled, not to mention doing a bunch of busy work trying to “comply with executive orders” by checking the pronouns in every document) and wondering whether they’re next, right? Like yes, customer service, but they’re human. Please give them a bit of grace.

       1. This issue predated the current administration though.

          1. Staffing levels never recovered from 2016-2020. I think people saw the writing on the wall and if they lost their jobs the first time around, they didn’t all want to return.

          2. OK, but this is still a silly time to expect it to get better, and you sound super tone-deaf complaining about it right now.

             But in the spirit of charity: bureaucracy can be frustrating at times. There are fewer federal employees per capita now than there have been in many years, and more programs to oversee than any other time in history. that means people are stretched in. I know many, many federal employees, and am married to one, and none of them set out to ruin the day of their fellow taxpaying, flag-waving Americans. But we live in a society governed by laws and regulations, and sometimes those bring headaches to people used to instant gratification. It doesn’t mean the people who are responsible for addressing your parents’ issues are bad at their jobs, it just as likely (perhaps more so) means the system could use some optimizing, or some more manpower. “Extortionary” is really inflammatory language, and I’m curious what you mean by that.

             1. +1 and maybe the people OP dealt with are bad at their jobs but Trump is not firing people for job performance. It’s random cuts.

          3. Agency may have been understaffed to begin with. I left child protection law because the schedule was insane with sometimes less than 12 hours overnight between complex trials in different towns. No one ever gets elected on hiring more government paid lawyers.

             There’s waste in government like any large organization but Trump is making it worse. Why would competent people take a job where you can be fired based on your start date instead of your job performance? People with 20 years of stellar reviews got fired because they changed agencies in the last year and became probationary. Someone with mediocre reviews who did not change agencies does not get fired.

          4. Your parents have been extorted by the HRSA for months?

             1. No, OP is lying. HRSA doesn’t directly deal with members of the public very often. Next time, OP, you might want to change it to SSA or the VA.

          5. The Republican strategy has been, for decades, to make government worse and worse. Of course this problem pre-dates this adminsitration.

    8. Lolololol yeah, that will definitely make your parents’ problem better.

    9. You’re probably having a bad experience because the people you’re working with are dealing with the constant stress of being laid off and villainized

    10. I think you’re assuming that the mass firings would involve some kind of strategy to improve the agencies. The mass firing going on right now is not that. They’re arbitrarily cutting people, sometimes so randomly that they have to reverse the firings, and demoralizing everyone in the process. I don’t think it’s controversial to have criticisms of how the federal government operates. But what’s going on with the mass firings is a stunning show of incompetence.

    11. This is an extraordinarily awful take.

        My spouse is a federal worker in a safety and secruity related agency, and he and his coworkers are already understaffed, and terrified of benefit cuts and potential job losses.

        I’m sorry your parents are having a bad experience, but wishing job loss on thousands of folks (and the rippling effects that will have on the economy, food safety, air safety, etc) is perhaps one of the most breathtakingly selfish takes I have ever heard.

    12. Contact your Congress Member for help. They’re used to doing constituents work and it sounds like you’ve done what you can do already.

        1. Also, really? Just from a practical perspective: how is having less better for anyone? Sigh.

22. TW: weight loss

    Should I try a GLP-1? I have been trying to lose around 30 lbs of baby weight for the past four years. My BMI is 25.9. I am South Asian and have a very strong family history of Type 2 diabetes. I also have hypothyroidism which is making it difficult to lose weight. I exercise a few times a week and try to eat healthy.

    1. Why not? After a lifetime of gaining and losing the same 30 pounds I take a small dose and just live my life without the constant drain of “food noise.” Scientific studies are showing more and more benefits.

    2. Maybe! I’d want to be very sure the hypothyroidism is adequately treated first (some doctors are more up-to-date on this than others), and I might want a glucose tolerance test and A1C (not least because they might help with insurance coverage if they show an issue).

    3. Talk to your doctor about your specific risk factors, be aware of the potential side effects and the steps to mitigate them, and then (assuming your doctor does not raise major concerns), go ahead and try them. Serious side effects are rare (and certainly less likely than someone with your family history developing diabetes) and the worst that is likely to happen is that it does not work, or you decide the side effects are not worth it.

       If you can afford it, I do recommend the name brand and not the compound versions. Both Novo and Eli Lilly have coupons that bring the cost way down.

    4. Is your hypothyroidism properly managed? What does “trying” to eat healthy mean?

       I would look at those two things before using a drug without longitudinal studies. If both items have been addressed, the medicine may be a good fit for you. But if they haven’t, start there since there is good longitudinal data around thyroid treatments.

       1. It’s also anecdotally not a given that GLP-1s will be effective if thyroid is undertreated. They can also slow stomach emptying which can affect thyroid absorption (I have to take Tirosint because of slow stomach emptying), so if taking a GLP-1 worsens hypothyroidism for drug absorption reasons, it could kind of cancel out. So I’d just want to be very on top of the thyroid condition first.

    5. Just know that you will have to qualify with a doctor pretty soon for the real patented meds within the next 2-3 months, as the shortage allowing compounding has been deemed over. I suspect you may have trouble qualifying with a BMI less than 26 unless you yourself are pre-diabetic, not just potentially genetically predisposed. It’s very frustrating.

    6. I lost 50 lbs with compounded tirzepatide a couple years ago. I’ve gained back 15 lbs with being off of it, but that’s ok in the grand scheme.

    7. My PCP put me on one at a very small dose and I really liked not having the constant food noise, but unfortunately it’s strongly contraindicated with my neuro med and so I was pulled off. I miss not having the food noise.

23. I am going on a girls’ trip to Sedona in May. We are looking forward a good spa to get massages and has soaking pools, hot tubs, etc. We went to Ojo Spa in Santa Fe one year and are looking for something similar. It looks like similar ones in Sedona are for resort guests only, and we will be staying at a vacation rental.

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