Coffee Break: Mary Jane Shoes

105 Comments

1. Is this the beginning of varicose veins or am I just old? I did a lot of standing this weekend and something happened that I realize is happening more and more. If I do a lot of standing, I have what I think is vein pain (like a 2-3 out of 10) along my left shin bone. If I rub it, it feels better. It’s only after lots of standing (so airports, registration, etc.). An active day of moving around is fine, as is sitting. I am older(perimenopausal) and job is sedentary (too much sitting so I walk around a bit just to warm up and not get too stiff from my computer posture).

   1. I don’t know, but if you have compression socks or stockings, it might be easy to just wear them and see if they help.

   2. That sounds more like shin splints than varicose veins. Are these standing days usually in places with hard surfaces? And what kind of shoes were you wearing?

      1. +1 that it sounds like shin splints

         1. +2 runner here, your tendons sound mad

            1. OP here. It’s more like on the bone. Not a meaty area. Just covered by skin.

            2. It makes sense that the pain is on the bone because the pain associated with shin splints are caused by irritation of tendons connected to the bone.

            3. Still sounds like shin splints.

            4. yea the shin splint pain is in the bone not the muscle

   3. +1 to compression socks. If your shin were to be getting bigger I’d worry about blood clots.

   4. I had the exact same symptoms. Pain when standing for too long, but not if I was mostly moving. It’s veins. I wear compression socks or calf sleeves 365 days a year. If you don’t, the veins will get worse. And there’s no cure. Yes, it sucks. It started when I was around 42. With the compression, there’s no pain. Without them, I could see them start to bulge out after standing and that’s exactly where the pain would be. Cheapish compression socks from Amazon work fine!

2. If you suspected a family member who you don’t see often had deep depression (based on life choices like choosing not to work for a decade+), what would you do?

   1. Learn more. There’s no way that someone who doesn’t see a family member often has any special insight into their health or mental health.

   2. Not much, other than be kind.

   3. See them more.

   4. If you don’t see this person often, DNA aside, you’re an acquaintance at best. You say what you would feel comfortable saying to an acquaintance.

      As someone with depression, I’d feel comfortable opening up with one or two sentences, IF the opportunity presented itself. But otherwise, dude, it’s 2025. Resources abound. It is completely possible for a person in the depths of terrible depression to call a doctor for help – I’ve done it myself. If the person’s catatonic/self-harming/plotting harm, then close relatives take them to a psych hospital. But there are millions of people who have emotional issues that they blame on “depression” and they love being a drama llama from my experience.

      1. Not working is really not the most specific indicator of depression to begin with though. Maybe OP has more context than they shared.

   5. I’m just wondering, how do you survive without working for 10+ years? Is there a spouse or parents in the picture? If they aren’t working, do they even have resources to see someone?

      1. Obvious example, SAHM/SAHD.

         1. I guess we don’t think of SAH parents as “not working for 10+ years” though. This seems to be something more than leaving the paid workforce as a family-unit decision that makes sense to the parties involved.

            1. It could start as a childcare thing and progress to a place where someone doesn’t reenter the workforce even when the kids are big/grown. In fact, this happens all the time.

            2. Yes. Honestly not everyone bounces back well from childbearing even just physically.

      2. Trust fund/parents

      3. mooch off your mother. collect alimony. as far as resources to see someone, pastors, university training clinics etc. are cheaper.

   6. I think we need more specifics and it’s unclear whether you even know enough to be helpful. If this is just based on the fact that they don’t work, are you sure they don’t have another reason for not working, like a physical health condition or even a different kind of mental health issue? Are they in a stable living condition despite not having a job?

   7. OP – trying not to out myself. He is single, no kids, never married. Was laid off 10+ years ago or so and hasn’t worked since. Some of it is because he had a lot in savings from working for a big job, some of it is from a settlement when his rent-controlled apartment got sold (they paid him low 6 figures to leave, basically). The original plan was for him to devote 6 months to getting a business idea off the ground, but nothing has ever gotten past planning and he’s become obsessed with disparate health concerns like sleep, TMJ, ankle pain, etc over the years. Even now, 5 years post Covid, he masks everywhere, refuses to eat in restaurants. Gets irrationally angry if you mention his age (43) or aging in general.

      1. I wouldn’t judge the masking even though I’d judge the other health obsessions. Masking really does prevent illness, and illness is miserable and disruptive.

         1. Don’t judge the masking. And it can take a really long time to wade from medical department to medical department trying to figure out what is wrong.

      2. I think you’re correct to be concerned on some level — whatever is happening with him, it doesn’t sound like he’s thriving. Whether you can do anything hinges on whether he wants to listen to you or allow you to give input in any way. Will he? Does he trust you?

      3. If he’s dealing with a variety of health concerns that aren’t adequately diagnosed and treated yet, it may make a lot of sense to avoid COVID infections in 2025. A bad COVID infection is a really crappy way to find out what the no longer simmering medical issue was all along! There are potential connections between the specific health concerns you listed.

         1. My other question along the lines of what does he do all day is about whether he’s self-treating in any unhelpful ways.

      4. FYI, health anxiety (formerly hypochondria) is a specific manifestation of OCD. Unfortunately, despite dealing with this with a close family member I have no insight in how to get someone to seek treatment. My feeling at the time was that the person knew something was wrong and desperately wanted it to be a physical problem rather than a mental health problem. The person also had suicidal ideation and almost wanted to have a terminal disease. The suggestion to spend time with the person is well-intentioned, but the cure for serious mental illness medication and therapy, not a person.

         1. Health anxiety can also be a symptom of physical problems (autoimmune conditions that affect the CNS, other immunological problems like mast cell disorders, even GI conditions that affect neurotransmitter levels and nutrient absorption). Sometimes the patient is right that something is wrong that absolutely is a physical problem that will not respond to therapy or mental illness medications.

            1. where can I read more about “autoimmune conditions that affect the CNS, other immunological problems like mast cell disorders, even GI conditions that affect neurotransmitter levels and nutrient absorption”? he definitely has GI issues also so that sounds particularly interesting. hard to believe that he hasn’t had nutrient bloodwork done but who knows.

               i’ve been trying for years to get him to pay more attention to gut health, fermented foods, probiotics… sigh.

            2. I always feel a little bad because my husband’s supposed psychosomatic IBS was Crohn’s all along, but I just didn’t know that it was possible to have Crohn’s without pain. I ended up having autoimmune atrophic gastritis, so maybe my personal baseline for what’s normal was off too. It’s possible to get so much testing done without ever getting the relevant tests done! Some of the deficiency tests that showed deficiency were not ordered until after the diagnosis; I think the presentation just gets so vague and disparate that it’s not clear what to check or what symptoms go with what, especially with symptoms like fatigue or pain.

               The healthcare system near me seems to save the mast cell specialist allergists for people with a full blown test positive mast cell disorder, and interest internists and primary care providers seem to manage the “looks a lot like mast cell, let’s see if the relevant meds help” activation syndrome for patients who don’t necessarily test positive for anything. I think for GI they use a lot of Cromolyn and for psychiatric symptoms, antihistamines. And if there are connective tissue related orthopedic issues, PT. For some reason COVID really does seem to flare these issues, so I think some of the clinics are a little slammed as healthcare adapts.

            3. Autoimmune is just a huge category, but I think of it because it can take many years to diagnose. Men aren’t as susceptible as women statistically, but just among people I know, I have seen people’s symptoms turn out to be something autoimmune and rheumatological or neurological after years of not being clear what was even wrong.

               The just not working though I honestly haven’t seen unless there were additional factors (substances, gaming, ADHD/ASD).

   8. I have this same situation. My sibling has not worked since the pandemic (living and supported by parents and other sibling). Perfectly capable of getting a job but no incentive to. I wish he would engage more but he won’t.

3. If you are a scar tape user, how soon do you see it start to work? I have a new scar, but also a couple from childhood that I’d like to erase if I could or at least make a bit less scar-y.

   1. A couple months

   2. Don’t waste the time. Ask a derm for a steroid injection.

   3. Slather it with pure vitamin E, then cover it with a band-aid. I’ve got a four inch “scar” that no one notices (not even medical people) unless I specifically point it out.

   4. Have had great success with the silicone scar patches on fresh scars. Wear/rotate 24/7 and anytime it’s not on use obnoxiously opaque zinc oxide sunscreen

4. I would love suggestions for a host gift. Traveling to the middle east from the SF Bay Area just after Christmas. Our hosts are quite well to do and I am sure will be very generous. Budget is $300ish.

   1. A few ideas:
      1) A vase or mugs from Heath Ceramics or another local studio
      2) Food – sourdough from Boudin, Sees candy, Dandelion chocolates
      3) Other stuff from the Ferry building – candles, dried mushrooms, a nice wooden cutting board, jams.

      1. Ha, I was about to say Heath or Dandelion too. Recchiuti chocolates are also a hit.

   2. A local selection of fine chocolates and teas would go over well. I’d suggest fruit except you can’t.

   3. Do they have children living with them? Ask them if there are any particular American brands or things the kids want – as I’ve learned, Kate Spade is surprisingly popular with teenagers not in the US, same with idiosyncratic requests for American cereal.

      1. I’m not sure about the Middle East but the Trader Joe’s mini tote bags are surprisingly popular in Japan.

         1. And the large Trader Joe’s bags are popular in London!

   4. American/regional foodstuffs, like real maple syrup, tootsie rolls, bags of “fun” size candy, Tabasco sauce (or similar), salt water taffy, etc. Also, U.S. sports team jerseys.

      1. I feel like a sports jersey would be good if you wanted something that was obviously expensive.

      2. Great idea! Let’s go Giants! :)

   5. Skip the See’s; they changed their chocolate formula and it’s perfectly dreadful tasting now.

      1. Really? I’ve been eating it for 30 years and it tastes the same to me.

   6. Not sure if it’s too late, but some basket ideas:
      – Robert Lambert fruitcake
      – California jams like Ina Jamm’s Blenheim Apricot, Sqrl in Santa Rosa Plum, or Saba Jams.
      – California almonds
      – California chocolates like See’s, Dandelion, Recchiuti, Ghirardelli, Letterpress, Timothy Adams, Casa de Chocolates
      – Cheese like Cypress Grove, Point Reyes, or Cowgirl Creamery

      One of the things I used to do visiting family overseas was bring a bag of Mexican food with me (cans, tortillas, chiles) and cook a big Mexican meal and invite folks. It was fun, a different experience, and a good time to be together. Don’t know if you have the option to do something along that vein.

      Have a great trip OP!

5. I’m looking for pants similar to the Athleta Endless High-rise but with a straighter/slimmer/stovepipe leg.

   Based on some reviewa here, I had high hopes these pants would be good for evening school events and work travel when I want to be comfortable but put together looking. I like the fabric and waist/pockets but the tapered leg shape is not flattering for me (straight up and down figure). Any recommendations?

   1. The Vuori Miles pants, the fabric is a bit on the thinner side but have a classic straight leg ‘suit pants’ fit plus they’re washable.

      1. Not the OP but feel the same about the Endless. I wear them but only for very casual – leisure walks, errands or around the house. These Vuori look great. I wish I were M or smaller.

6. A friend just sent me an urgent SOS for a place in person to buy a pair of “normal f***ing jeans.” Ideas?

   1. Banana, but I order them. I tried on a whole Abercrombie’s worth of jeans after the raves here and nothing fit. Have had good luck lately with the Gap also.

   2. J Crew Factory, especially if you can find a store.

   3. I bought my first pair of jeans at Talbots this weekend. Straight leg, I think. They’re very unremarkable. Not too high, not too low, not to skinny, not to wide leg, normal blue color without fading. At least over the weekend, everything in the store was 50% off, so they were about $55 or $60.

   4. NYDJ

   5. Is she somewhere that has an Evereve? They have a variety. Granted, most are trendy, so wide-legged, but not all. Their employees are generally good about picking jeans, so if you ask for a straight leg, they’ll pull whatever they have, so you don’t have to try on everything in the store.

   6. Anthropologie or Madewell. If possible go close to opening so you avoid the teenager madness. I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how easily I found options that fit my middle aged mom body.

   7. Old Navy. That denim wall has everything.

      1. Seriously.

      2. +1. I like the high-waisted wow bootcut style.

      3. +3 for Old Navy. I needed jeans last minute for family photos and found some there that were boring and basic, which is what I wanted.

   8. department stores should also have a lot – Nordstrom, Bloomingdale’s, Macy’s. Even Kohls will have a variety of Levi’s to try on.

   9. Express

   10. Gap fits my body best, and I also like Levi’s in certain cuts. I buy both online because stores near me have the weirdest washes and finishes, and somehow rarely have normal sizes in stock.

       1. Gap would be my answer! They are usually good about having lots of styles and sizes actually in stock (at least compared to other stores in my local mall).

   11. Lucky Brand. I used to wear them a ton in the 2000s, totally forgot about them for 2 decades, wandered into the store on a lark while on a pants quest a few weeks ago and came out with 2 perfectly normal, well fitting jeans. I will say try them on because I got 2 different sizes in slightly different styles and they both fit great.

   12. My fave pair is Eddie Bauer Voyager high rise boot cut. They have several washes and styles and come in Petites. $50

   13. Definitely depends on body type and style preference but I have had luck recently at Talbots, JC Penney’s for Levi’s, American Eagle, Ann Taylor, and Old Navy.

   14. American eagle, especially curvy fit. Sounds wild but I felt the same as your friend and it was the solution

   15. Thanks all. She struck out at the J Crew factory but did manage to find a pair at Old Navy. We don’t have great department stores anymore, unfortunately, but I’ve suggested Madewell, Anthro, and Kohl’s.

   16. In an emergency? Old Navy

   17. Madewell

7. We’re hosting our annual holiday party on Saturday night (all adults, 75 people, we’re in the burbs so everyone will be driving or Ubering). We are normally a no-shoes house, but we make an exception for this party. This year there is a ton of snow still on the ground, and consequently lots of salt everywhere. I’m concerned about salt getting tracked in and destroying our wood floors and carpets (is that a thing?). Ideas for how to get people to wipe their shoes? Will a coir doormat actually get most of the salt off or should we provide another solution? I’m definitely not going to make people take their shoes off but just trying to figure out if there’s a way to handle the salt. We will try to get as much of the salt off our own front walk/porch as possible.

   1. Is there salt on your front sidewalk? If no, then none’s going to get tracked into your house – just the opposite in fact, it’ll get scuffed off by the pavement on people’s walk from wherever they parked to your front door. Put down a fresh, dry exterior doormat and a nice, dry interior doormat, and everything will be fine.

      And I’ve hosted huge Christmas parties every year for 20 years. The only damage my floors have ever sustained was from the woman who hadn’t replaced the plastic cap on her heel and the nail in the heel left small dots in the floor everywhere she walked.

      1. Gah, she destroyed my floors as well.

   2. Can you add a temporary extra mat right inside the front door? Even if it is not the loveliest rug you’ll put down, I would think a big mat outside and one inside would give everyone room to get their shoes clean.

   3. what about getting those paper things people put on their shoes? otherwise a good steam clean and a mop the next day?

   4. Coir doormat outside, absorbent mat inside the front porch, and then a runner in the front hall once they exit the porch. Ikea has thin neutral runners that would work for the inside one. A lot of people like the LL Bean water hog rug for the front porch rug.

      In Canada if it’s really snowy or stormy and it’s a formal party where you don’t just take off your shoes then we wear snow boots and bring inside dress shoes to change into. If the weather is quite poor, I would have a bench or chair available for anyone who wishes to sit and change. Can’t let a little snow stop the party or dim the sparkle.

      1. Same with the suggestion to encourage people to change into indoor shoes or slippers. And put down temporary runners on all the walking paths leading away from the entrance.

      2. +1. If you’re really nervous then text people beforehand. “It looks like the snow will still be around this weekend. If you don’t mind changing into your nice shoes once you get inside we’ll have room to stash your outdoor pair.” I’m 100% team Shoes On At Parties but this is a reasonable request.

   5. In your mudroom I would have a WET mat (like honestly a giant towel or 2) for people to wipe first, and then a DRY mat to wipe after. Or just clean the floors later.

   6. Omg it’s not going to destroy anything. Just mop after the party.

      1. Ah, but the rugs…

      2. Correct answer here.

      3. This. Don’t throw a party for 80 people at your house if you’re going to be precious about it. Nothing will get permanently ruined.

   7. I’d leave out a big basket of socks, cheap slippers or slides for people! This is common in many cultures to borrow house shoes.

   8. We don’t host gatherings that big, but hosted a bunch people for Hanukkah on Sunday and have 6 people regularly walking in and out of our house (nuclear family of 4 + my local parents). We do salt our driveway. It’s very steep so salt is really essential to make the driveway safe to walk on. I think as long as you vacuum and/or wipe it up after people leave, there won’t be any permanent damage from salt.

8. Any recs for writing seminars for professionals? I almost exclusively write client newsletters, providing legal and political updates on technical issues.

   When I started my job, it was 85% public speaking, 15% other, and that other included writing a weekly client newsletter. Writing is now 95% of my job. I do not like this change – my bosses aren’t happy with me, I’m not happy with me, I’m not happy with them. I’d leave if the job market let me. Thing is, I was a spectacular writer when I was in school, so somewhere along the way I’ve failed. (I’d LOVE to say my bosses’ irregular expectations and sparse instructions are to blame, but I will put that to the side and improve myself.)

   I might repost this in the morning for more eyes. Thanks all.

   1. I seem to remember someone posting this scenario before — job changed on her to writing, which she didn’t like, and boss didn’t give good instructions / was hard to please. Did anything from that thread help you or did you find any of it useful? When you post tomorrow morning, if you could give an update on what you tried and what worked/didn’t work, that would help us help you.

   2. this probably won’t be popular advice, and ignore it if you’re doing anything privileged – but you might try asking chatgpt how your writing can improve, uploading a few of your recent things. you can even personalize it so it has more of the tone you like and advice comes in that tone.

      that said, if i google “writing seminars for company communications,” a lot of options come up that might be good.

   3. Is your boss willing to give more concrete direction so you can better calibrate the copy to expectations? A seminar isn’t going to be much help if your writing is solid as-is but the boss wants you to write with a different voice.

   4. Communicator here – you can use Claude or ChatGPT, upload your draft, and ask it to analyze gaps. You can ask it to rewrite to a 6th grade level (standard most journalists use) and keep it under 500 words. You can also try installing grammarly which will check for sentence structure. Otherwise, it would help to know what their particular feedback has been. Also, everyone is not skilled at writing in every style, and every great writer has a good editor to make them better.

9. there is nothing like having your best associate go on maternity leave and having to rely on others who are not the best to remind you how much you need her and appreciate her. Mid-Jan cannot come soon enough.

   1. oh, this is so true. Currently my favorite and my second favorite associates are on mat leave and… let’s just say I’m doing a lot more of my own work. Yes, I should be training the other associates. No, I don’t want to be doing that in December.

      Currently advocating for my #1 fave to get an alternative work arrangement when she comes back (this is what she wants) because I do NOT want her to leave.

   2. This is actually really nice to read — we’re told so often how replaceable we are (and yes, I know we all are) but this is a nice counter-story to hear.

10. $85 for plastic shoes?!? On sale?!?

    1. Ugly plastic shoes.

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