Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Foster Dickey Jacket

305 Comments

1. Help me use my words to break up with a good guy. I do love him, but I’m not IN love with him. I’ve also realized I don’t know if I want children anymore, and he wants children. He is ready to move forward with his life (moving in, engagement, kids) and I am not. I’ve realized recently that I’m not even close, despite having some of these conversations with him (I was wrapped up in the honeymoon phase). We’ve been dating a little over 6 months. I just feel really bad because he’s such a good guy and he’s been good to me. How do I break this gently to a sensitive person?

   1. This feels like a classic, honest “it’s not you it’s me” conversation. Like, he will be a gem to someone else who wants those things (kids, getting married soon etc) but that’s not what you want at least not in the moment, so it’s a kindness to both of you to end it now though it’ll hurt. Wishing you and him ease through the process!

   2. “You’re wonderful. But I’ve realized recently that I’m not even close to where you are in terms of long-term commitments, like marriage and kids. I’m so sorry.”

      Direct, simple, respectful and kind. That said, you can’t control his response or feelings, so mitigating his hurt can only go so far.

      1. The phrasing here is beautiful.

      2. I don’t think this is direct enough. I would hear that as I just want a longer time before marriage and kids, not I don’t want those things with you.

   3. I’ve been there. Both on the breaking up side, and on the being-broken-up-with side. I think internally you first have to accept that sometimes the right thing to do still hurts people. Your job is only to not make it more hurtful than necessary. So I’d aim for simple but clear. Explain that you’re grateful for the time you had together, but you’ve realized you don’t fit. You are also sad, but, you know you are not the right person for him to create the future he wants with, and so you think it’s best to end things. When I was broken up with, it was helpful to have some idea of why he didn’t think we fit, to avoid questioning everything about myself; but, too many details is also not helpful. For what it’s worth, the guy I broke up with met his future wife about a month later. He’s happily married with 3 kids, I’m happily married with 2 kids, and, as time goes on it’s easier for me to articulate the reasons why we didn’t fit, but at the time I didn’t really understand why, I just knew we didn’t. He was really really hurt and sad. But his actual wife is a much better fit for him!

   4. “I like you but I’m not in love with you and both of deserve more than that.”

      1. If I heard that at six months, I’d might think well that’s okay if you aren’t in love with me yet, we are only 6 months in!

         I think she should be more direct as some have mentioned before.

         “This relationship isn’t right for me because we are on very different timelines for next steps. You are a great guy and should be with someone whose timelines align with yours and I need to be with someone whose timelines align with mine. I have truly enjoyed our time together, appreciate all you have shared with me, and wish you the best.” Is probably something I would say.

2. I’m not going to pretend that I would have been personally saddened by Trump’s death – not at all. But I can’t believe what our country just went through in Saturday and that it really, truly came to this. Something simmering boiled over and the Democrats will somehow find a way to make sure Trump is the only one who comes out strong.

   1. I mostly feel the same way, though I disagree that this is a sign that something has boiled over. I think that’s it’s just a major major security lapse that allowed for one of the usual crazies to come way too close. There are always people trying to kill the president. They just usually don’t get a chance to actually do it.

      1. He’s not the president

      2. This is also my impression, that it’s an instance of the “crisis in competence.” I also wonder if some people cracked when all the latest Epstein stories were in the news lately, since some people on the fringe were VERY invested in the idea that DT was fighting trafficking and not participating in it.

      3. I agree, I think it was just a security lapse. I think Americans are feeling very anxious and unsure, but I don’t think this was anything more than the logical outcome of our refusal to do anything about gun access. This wasn’t someone with some big political manifesto, it was just some angry young white man (and who knows what he was really angry about) who could easily get a gun.

         I find it amusing and sad that anything that happens in the political realm, we are quick to assume it will benefit Trump. Convicted of 34 felonies? Benefit to Trump! Inflation coming down and unemployment at record lows? Benefit to Trump!

         I agree that the Democrats are crap at messaging and really need to get better about it RIGHT NOW, but we don’t have to assume that everything will make Trump win. I remember in 2020 everyone was like, Oh, the BLM movement and violence in cities mean that Trump will win! He didn’t, lost quite handily in fact, so I am hanging on to hope this year.

         1. I am more concerned with all the people I know who keeps saying things like “there is no way that people will vote for Trump, he is just too unhinged and now he’s a felon!” Completely unrealistic and out of touch.

      4. I’m Anon at 9:05 and think I should add that I find increasing polarization troubling and I’m very disturbed by the way that people think it’s okay to threaten violence against their political opponents (Trump of course being one of the worst offenders here, though it can happen some on both sides). I just think that this particular case doesn’t say much about the general state of affairs, as presidents (and presidential candidates) have always been high profile targets, so it was more a case of spectacularly bad luck and incompetence. Who knows what this idiot’s motive was, but it doesn’t actually feel that different than the usual mass shooter (young male loser), just one who happened to target the former/future president.

   2. The whole thing makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’s not just the fact that there was an assassination attempt, but how I expect MAGA to react. And if Trump is reelected, I don’t know how our democracy will survive.

      1. It also seems like Democrats don’t really get that Trump has their names on his political revenge list. They keep making these statements about how we should all feel sorry for Mr. Trump – but they need to be watching their backs and considering moving their families to safety. When the dictator makes a threat, believe him.

         1. What threats against what Democrats?

            1. From a Washington Post article from last year that I saved:

               “Donald Trump and his allies have begun mapping out specific plans for using the federal government to punish critics and opponents should he win a second term, with the former president naming individuals he wants to investigate or prosecute and his associates drafting plans to potentially invoke the Insurrection Act on his first day in office to allow him to deploy the military against civil demonstrations.

               In private, Trump has told advisers and friends in recent months that he wants the Justice Department to investigate onetime officials and allies who have become critical of his time in office, including his former chief of staff, John F. Kelly, and former attorney general William P. Barr, as well as his ex-attorney Ty Cobb and former Joint Chiefs of Staff chairman Gen. Mark A. Milley, according to people who have talked to him, who, like others, spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe private conversations. Trump has also talked of prosecuting officials at the FBI and Justice Department, a person familiar with the matter said.

               In public, Trump has vowed to appoint a special prosecutor to “go after” President Biden and his family. The former president has frequently made corruption accusations against them that are not supported by available evidence.“

            2. He wants to use any protests if he is reelected as an excuse to declare martial law, and have military tribunals deal with the members of the January 6 committee. I used to not worry because the courts would never let that happen. But now SCOTUS is no longer a guardrail.

      2. I also feel sick. This just won Trump the election for sure.

         1. I think he was already on track to win and this just clinched it. I don’t necessarily think an assassination attempt would help someone who was trailing far behind in the polls, but that wasn’t the situation. Meantime, we have all the liberal media outlets pumping out articles nonstop about how Biden can’t do it. They primed this for Trump perfectly, doing everything possible to help him.

         2. I’m not convinced that it moves the needle. I’m just not sure that if you weren’t already with Trump, this convinces you to back him. Unless he miraculously came out with some kind of moderate gun control or gun violence policy suggestion after this near death experience, I don’t think it swings those who don’t like him already.

            However I don’t disagree that Trump is already winning the election currently. but just don’t think the assassination attempt is going to be influential in how people cast votes.

            1. Agreed with all this. I live in the Rust Belt in a state Trump won by a large margin, but I know very few people who actually love Trump the man. The majority voted for him somebody grudgingly, and they care about the economy, not the assassination attempt. He was winning already but I really don’t think this moves the needle the way the coastal pundits seem to think it does.

            2. I don’t think it’s a huge effect, but given that we’re talking about very close elections with very few persuadable voters, small effects are what make the election. It’s not going to turn never trumpets into voting for him but
               1. For people who are on the fence about whether God wants Trump to be president, narrowly surviving feels like a miracle
               2. Energizing to the base – feels like “fighting back”
               3. For true persuadable voters who’s main concern is Biden is too old/not virile/etc, a candidate standing, yelling ‘Fight’, blood streaming down his face – is a pretty powerful visual

            3. yeah, I don’t think it sways opinion, but it could sway turnout.

         3. Can anyone explain why everyone is saying Trump just won – besides that Reagan won after being shot? I mean I agree he was on his way to winning anyway. But really who is so emotionally affected by this that aren’t going to run out and switch their vote to him? The two groups I know that are effusively praising in are the NYC hedge fund guys but let’s be real they always secretly voted for him, now they just feel comfortable being proud of it. And the people who view him as Jesus – again his base anyway. Are there hordes of moderates or undecideds who are so moved by this?? Because I’m not seeing it.

            But yeah now Biden isn’t stepping down. Not that he was easily going to anyway but WP and others are reporting that the Dems who would’ve stepped in in his place now want nothing to do with this bc they view Trump as unbeatable and they don’t want to be the sacrificial lamb. They’re all younger and would rather have Biden take the loss and go off and retire and then have a clearer path to victory in four years.

            1. I don’t think Reagan is a great analogy anyway. He was the sitting president when he was shot, and the uptick in support (which was very temporary) may have been more for Reagan-as-president than Reagan-as-victim. Americans tend to band together behind the president when something bad happens (e.g., 9/11).

            2. “clearer path to victory in four years” – this is what I am not optimistic about. In my anticipated version of the future, if Trump wins, the SC will rule the 2 terms is two *consecutive terms*. He and GOP cronies will then make sure the vote goes to him for a third total term/consecutive 2nd term in 2028 (just look at what republican legislatures are doing with state election procedures). Then Ivanka or some other relation will run in 2032. Goodbye to meaningful elections, hello kleptocracy!

            3. It’s not about people switching their votes, it’s about people who wouldn’t have bothered to vote now being motivated to do so.

            4. Anon @12:36, I agree this is a frightening possibility.

            5. A lot of his supporters aren’t very consistent voters. It’s about getting them worked up enough to go vote.

      3. So without a single protest, a single violent act, a single street being set on fire, the fault already lies at the feet of the violent MAGA?

         That’s some prime DARVO-ing right there.

         1. Well, there was January 6th.

         2. LOL did you already forget the time when MAGA stormed the Capitol threading to kill Pelosi, among other things?

            1. Right?!? Come back when you’re serious. . .

         3. There are a number of instances of Trump or his MAGA mouthpieces using language of violence in the context of his political opponents or liberal civilians in general. Enough that this liberal who resides by necessity in a deep red location has armed herself. I truly hate that it has come to this. You are the DARVO.

         4. Did you really expect the commenter population on this message board to have any other response? The women here are absolutely incapable of taking any other perspective on this issue…I saw that after the discussions about the threats to the conservative justices.

         5. This argument is so bizarre to me. The Democratic president did not call for the BLM rallies. Trump sent his supporters to the Capitol to take it over and when he knew they were going to hunt down Pence and the Dems, let them rumble.

      4. Our democracy will survive if Trump wins. This is just the type of rhetoric that is not needed right now.

         1. It will be a democracy in the same way that Hungary is — technically the people vote, but it’s closer to authoritarianism than democracy. There’s a reason Trump is so infatuated with Orban (and Putin) — he intends to use the government powers the same way they do. People who study authoritarianism and the collapse of democratic institutions have been sounding the alarms loudly, but too many Americans think it couldn’t happen here. It can.

            1. 100% agree with this. And, would add, its not only that it can happen here, but that it is ALREADY happening. We’re a good ways down the slope by now.

         2. I agree completely. For all of you who claim that Trump will be the end of democracy – think really hard about what you’re saying, and what the implications are in terms of what is justified. Thoughtlessly repeating is contributing, in your own small way, in raising the temperature of our politics to an unacceptable and toxic place.

            1. It isn’t thoughtless. I wasn’t the one who posted that, but I have the same concerns and it’s very much NOT thoughtless. My husband is from a totalitarian country and escaped here in his teens. We know that democracy is fragile.

            2. calling out very real, proven threats to democracy from a party very clear about how they will use their positions to further secure their own power and silence dissent is not unacceptable or toxic. Please be for real.

            3. Okay, so if you believe that – if you believe this is the end of democracy, what are you doing to stop it? Because that’s not just “complaining on the internet” level stuff. That’s not even just “donating to Democrats and knocking on doors” level stuff. It’s “put your life and freedom at risk,” not “make posts on an anonymous message board and then go back to billing hours.” Either you believe this, but are a coward, or you don’t believe it and are exaggerating for rhetorical effect.

            4. Calling people “cowards” for correctly identifying that societies can slide into authoritarianism is intellectually lazy. But I think it speaks to your fear (that many share) that this could really be happening.

            5. And you think I would post the details of my organizing here?

               Did you think you did something with this response besides prove me right? Cute.

         3. I really really hope you’re right. But I really don’t think you are. The shift in the courts, the erosion of norms, the milquetoast opposition, the rallies cheering violence and the coup attempt on Jan 6.

            Facism is how democracy dies

   3. People are talking about security breach, but would like to point out that the USSS, like any other agency, has limited resources. This includes agents, snipers, drone operators etc. Obv Biden gets most, as sitting president. The others share. To change this, and increase security for someone like Trump, additional funding from taxes is needed (would you like to pay more for it?), or they need to shift resources. Lastly, even with all resources, there will never be zero risk.

   4. I don’t care. At all. Ordinary citizens are shot and killed in supermarkets, churches, movie theaters, concerts, and schools. No matter how awful, nothing changed. Someone shoots at Trump? Thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers.

      1. This isn’t about gun regulation or safety going to supermarkets. This is a political official who was almost murdered at a rally on a campaign trail. My concern is not about gun reform in this instance but about overall security at these types of events. You would expect a high level of security at an event with a presidential candidate but not at the grocery store. Also, I don’t mean to say I’m not concerned about general safety and gun control, it’s just not the main concern in this situation.

         1. Politicians, especially some Republicans, don’t care if we are all gunned down in the street. I don’t consider them so special that they should be exempt. “Live by the sword, die by the sword.”

            1. +1 birds coming home to roost and all that.

            2. +1 consequences of actions, or in this case, inactions

         2. Well, actually it is. If Trump hadn’t let the ban on assault weapons expire, the shooter’s Dad would have only less lethal options available to him.

         3. I would expect that the grocery store doesn’t warrant a level of security.

         4. disgruntled 20 year old men aren’t a uniquely American problem, the guns are. People raging about political violence are missing the issue. its the guns, its always the guns.

   5. Thoughts and prayers.

   6. But you have to admit, the world would be a better place without Trump.

      1. Of course it would.

      2. +1

3. First of our kids, and only son, has become engaged to a wonderful woman, and the wedding is in about a year. Realize I know almost nothing about how to be a great mother of the groom, or even what the role is (If there is a role). We are planning on hosting the rehearsal dinner; we’ve given all the kids money to finance their weddings, but I grew up in a poor and chaotic household and am missing a lot of social cues – like do I throw a shower, etc. Anyone know of a good resource for this? And for that one person who will tell me to stop overthinking this – please don’t. I’ve made a fair number of gaffes over the years due to simple lack of awareness as to social niceties and would like to get this right.

   1. Kudos for you! You sound like the best groom mom! Get with groom & bride & ask them what they’d like. You could host a shower, welcome reception for incoming family & friends, or the after wedding brunch. Your thoughtfulness & kindness are wonderful.

   2. I won’t tell you you’re overthinking it – I think it’s very sweet that you want to get this right for your son! Some of this will vary depending on region, but for my cohort, the best thing any mother-in-law who is planning to financially contribute could do is say, “we have $x we’d love for you to use for the wedding. I’m here for you both if you need any help with planning or logistics, but otherwise just tell me where I need to be and when!” And then follow the cues of your son and future daughter-in-law. In my circle, the MIL of the bride would not be expected to throw a shower, though again you could say, “let your mom/sister/BFF know I’m happy to help with a shower if they need anything!” (Or text them directly if you know them). I think the mother-of-the-bride tends to be more of an active role between the two moms so I think just hanging back, being VERY positive about everything (“this is our venue, mom,” “love it!’”) and not showing up in a white dress will get you very far!

      1. +1

   3. I don’t think there’s one size fits all advice on this. It depends on the people involved, the type and size of wedding, and the locations of everyone. I think the best advice is just to step back and follow their guide, but make clear you’re happy to help as needed. And just ask if there’s anything specific they’d like you to do.

   4. The Bride’s attendants/MOH will likely coordinate the shower. Your role is to provide them a list of invitees promptly and show up appropriately dressed.

      I’d reach out to the Bride’s parents and express your joy about the engagement and be sure to mention how much you love their daughter. If you haven’t met and they’re even somewhat local, maybe invite them for dinner in your home, or a mutually convenient restaurant.

      1. IME, showers aren’t really coordinated or thrown by bridesmaids anymore. Usually by family (aunts, her mom (even though that’s technically uncouth it’s now common), mom’s friends). Local bridesmaids attend, non local ones generally don’t.

         If everyone is in the same city, then everyone attends the same shower. However, if the couple is from different areas I have seen (and attended) separate showers for his side and her side. Showers local to the bride and groom only seem to happen if one or both of them is from that area.

         Also – they might not even want a shower. They’re becoming less common in my area (maybe half of my friends have had one).

         Source: I’m 30 and in the throes of wedding season.

         1. Yeah I’ve been a bridesmaid 3x in the last 2 years and have never, ever been asked to coordinate a shower, just to show up (I’ve always been local to both the bride and her family – the bride has always made it clear that non local bridesmaids should NOT travel for a shower).

            IME, it’s too much to ask a bridesmaid to coordinate a shower. Bridesmaid duties these days really are limited to show up (as able) be in good spirits at the shower, bachlorette, rehearsal, and wedding; wear the appropriate dress; and be there on time for all wedding stuff: rehearsal, hair and makeup, etc.

            IME, the bride even does most of the bachelorette planning, assisted by the MOH. Occasionally there are little tasks given to the bridesmaids for the bachlorette but they’re minor.

         2. This must be regional because I’ve planned as a bridesmaid and attended many showers planned by bridesmaids in the last several years. I don’t remember any that were planned by the mother of the bride or groom. I’m in the south for reference.

            1. Yes, agree. My southern mother has always taught me that it is highly inappropriate for anyone in the bride’s or groom’s family to host a shower. It’s unseemly for relatives to ask for gifts for the couple. Always bridesmaids or close friends of the bride’s or groom’s parents.

            2. Oh interesting, I’m in the northeast and I’ve never seen to a shower planned by a bridesmaid here. My impression is that it would be way too much of an imposition for friends to do it — if hosted at a restaurant or similar venue it’s usually $$$$, or they’re at the mother of the bride’s house which requires someone with a big enough house.

            3. Ah yes I’m in the Northeast. Bridesmaid duties typically mirror groomsmen duties: get the right outfit and show up on time to the shower (if it’s local to you), bachlorette, rehearsal, and hair and makeup. Give a gift at the appropriate events. That’s it.

               Most people in my circles are in the same boat: we live in small apartments in the city, people mostly either have demanding jobs or are in school, or both. Hosting events takes time, space, money that we don’t have.

               I’m happy to be a bridesmaid (and even the chillest bridesmaid experience is still a bit of a headache); happy to spend $$ on a dress I’ll never wear again and spend money and a vacation day or two on a bachlorette, happy to help plan the bachlorette, happy to attend a shower I have no desire to attend, happy to wake up at 7AM for hair and makeup and then stay out til 1AM or later for the after party, but please don’t ask me to plan or pay for a shower! Especially since all of my friends getting married are 30, already live with their fiancé, and have a very well stocked apartment.

               Two of my friends who got married recently skipped showers altogether – they figured there’s no need since a) they already have what they need and b) they live in small apartments and can’t store anything more. Other showers I’ve attended have been a nice chance to mingle pre wedding but skipped traditional shower things like opening gifts or playing games. I’ve still attended traditional showers (which everyone complains about), but they’re no longer the norm in my circle.

            4. I’m in the Northeast and I’ve never heard of a bridesmaid hosted shower. To host a shower you either need a big enough apartment or house to host that many people or a few thousand dollars to host it at a restaurant or similar venue. No bridesmaid here has that :) You basically need a generation older to host because they’re much more likely to have the space or the funds to host such a gathering.

               Even if I didn’t live in a 500 sq ft apartment and could host at my place, the logistics seem really hard: picking up food or decor or other things without a car is doable but not an imposition I’d want to put on a friend. Or, even if I had a suburban friend with enough space, I still think its rude to ask a friend to spend money to host a party for you – even if you get a few Costco platters (which I have never seen at a shower, even in-home ones are usually catered, but would be a cheaper way to do it) and a few bottles of wine it’s more than I’m comfortable asking a friend to spend on me.

               Showers very much seem to be for the mothers and aunts, so if they want them then they can plan and host them! I’ve never met a bridesmaid who didn’t grumble about attending a shower – so why would you ask them to host one?

            5. In the midwest, it often seems like an aunt (or close family friend) will throw a shower for ‘their side’ of the family. But I agree that the mothers (whether of groom or bride) wouldn’t technically throw the shower. Behind the scenes, a mother might help or do a lot of the work, but she wouldn’t be the named host.

               And I echo the comments above that it would be lovely for you to reach out to the bride’s parents and host them for a meal or similar if feasible. But look to your kid and his soon-to-be wife for what they’d like you to do. If there’s something you’d like to do, you can suggest it but be prepared for them to have a different vision.

            6. I have questions about these bridesmaid hosted showers! Where do they take place and how much do they cost? Does the host cover everything or do all bridesmaids chip in? Do all bridesmaids attend, even if they’re out of town? And how old is the host? Even at 31 in the North, I can’t host a shower – I neither have the space nor the budget. I know that not all southerners get married young, but they do seem to typically get married younger than northerners. I can’t imagine hosting a shower at 25, for example!

               IME, you either need a big enough house, apartment, or yard to host a shower OR at least a few thousand dollars to have one at a restaurant or venue. I live in a big HCOL city and so no one has space or money to host a shower at our age.

            7. I’m the southerner who has hosted these as a bridesmaid!

               The COL here is less, so I think people tend to have more space. We pick either the biggest/prettiest house or apartment of any of the friends or hold it in a place with no or a very low reservation cost. Like a church or other community space. I’ve been to a couple of showers where the venue is the bride’s parents’ house just for space reasons, but the BMs did all the planning and execution. Food is typically homemade or bought from somewhere like Costco. Decorations aren’t super lavish— maybe some pretty flowers and then just spruce up the space. All the bridesmaids split the cost.

               The last wedding I did this for had a group of BMs in bride’s new town and a group in her hometown. Each group planned a small shower for their location with the same parameters as above. I think I spent around $300 on the one I was involved in. But the bachelorette party was also a very low key lake house weekend and the bride gave us our dresses as a gift, so the total I spent on the entire experience was around $500.

            8. I have hosted showers as a bridesmaid in my very early twenties. Yes, cost is borne by either all bridesmaids or a subset of bridesmaids who agree to host. Usually would be held at the home of a bridesmaid (I’ve been to showers in both houses and apartments). Usually catered food/everything you’re used to seeing at a shower. I’ve co-hosted showers that cost me from a couple hundred dollars to $1000+.

            9. Adding that I’ve been a bridesmaid 8+ times in the south and have never NOT hosted a shower in any of these cases. Also contributed to/hosted bachelorette. Being in southern weddings is just expensive.

            10. Also in the south, and was also taught that the immediate family of the bride and groom do not host the shower. Bridesmaids often host a shower. Showers are also hosted by a more distant relative (aunt of the bride, similarly aged cousing of the bride), a friend of the bride’s or groom’s mother, older ladies at the bride’s church, etc. The rationale is that historically the bride’s family was responsible for ensuring that she had the things she needed for her new home; the family hosting a shower was viewed as an attempt to shift their financial responsibilities to others.

                The bride’s family might host an engagement party, a luncheon for the bridesmaids, or another non-gift-focused pre-wedding event like that, but not the shower.

            11. I’m in California and hosted a ton of showers once upon a time. We either borrowed an older relative’s home or had them in our small apartments. We got creative and it was the DIY/mason jar era so nothing was formal.

            12. I hosted a shower as the bridesmaid. We held it at my parents’ house (which is just shy of 4,500 sq ft, so plenty of space). Her sister came early to help assemble the food.

                Now I’m going to be the fly in the ointment: I think showers are outdated. Back when over 90% of people married and usually married young, it made sense: get the young couple started on their life’s journey and they will pay it forward. Now? It looks a lot like struggling singletons upgrading their DINK friends’ kitchens.

   5. Hosting the rehearsal dinner is all that is “traditionally” expected of the groom’s family but it’s still nice to sit down with the couple and ask if there’s anything else you could do to help with the wedding events. And then take them at their word. I would also ask them once they have chosen a venue, to let you know if they need assistance gathering addresses/names for the groom’s side of the family.

   6. I think part of it depends on how close a) you live to the bride and groom and b) the brides parents live. If you live close and the couple may ask you to be more involved (throw a shower, attend a tasting) but they also may not. I’d offer your support but let them choose how involved they want parents to be.

      General guidance: generally be supportive / positive, only offer an opinion if it’s asked or something really really wild is happening, understand that norms and customs have changed a lot since you got married: traveling for a bachelor or bachelorette party is Normal, couples often do pictures before the ceremony, many couples don’t want a church wedding, not all couples want a shower, weddings are often full weekends – welcome drinks, after party, brunch, couples generally don’t register for china or crystal or silver, etc.

      I’ve seen mothers of the grooms run the gamut from not being involved at all to being as involved as the mother of the bride. Some join the bride and her mom to choose wedding dresses, some throw a shower, some help with details or choosing vendors
      , and some do none of the above.

      You can also help the couple by being a go between for them and your side of the family: deciding who from the family will be invited, gathering their addresses, navigating any potential family drama, etc.

      1. Unless the OP is a boomer, the new things have been pretty normal for a long time.

         1. If someone’s The mother of the bride, it’s a pretty safe assumption that they’re a boomer?

            1. Le sigh, I’m young Gen X and many of my classmates are in the throes of wedding planning for their kids. That said, I’m not old, dammit.

            2. This much be regional too :) I’m in the NE and people *start* thinking about marriage in their early 30s! And our parents all had us in their 30s, so they’re safely boomers.

               Meanwhile my young Gen X cousins’ kids are in elementary or middle school – they’re probably 15+ years off from getting married

            3. Nope. The boomers’ kids are in their forties and fifties. Many brides are younger.

               I’d say the vast majority of bride and groom parents are Gen X’ers now. Even elder millenials are in their early 40s, and might have kids approaching wedding age.

            4. Hardly, most mothers of the bride are Gen X, boomers are grandparents.

            5. Admittedly, my friends and I are young millennials (late 20s – early 30s) and our parents are young boomers (early 60s), but everyone I know getting married now is a millennial with boomer parents. Boomers were born until 1964, so the youngest boomers are turning 60 this year. Our grandparents, mostly now deceased, were all Greatest Generation.

            6. uh plenty of boomers kids are millennials and just getting married now!

            7. I’m an elder millennial with a kid in preschool! Can’t imagine having a kid getting married :)

            8. The real point is all those things have been standard for a very long time. My friend group’s wedding season was in the 90s and we were doing bachelorette trips, first looks and photos before the ceremony, non church weddings, etc etc etc all the way back then in the olden times.

            9. Eh my boomer parents got married in the 90s and while they traveled for their bachelor and bachelorette parties, the rest was traditional. When I (a millennial) got married last year, I had to talk my mom off the ledge about not getting married in a church, doing pictures before the ceremony, only registering for things we really wanted (so no China), putting a honeymoon fund on the registry, writing our own vows, having a friend officiate, not inviting all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner (but we did have a welcome party) and using modern language on invites.She was okay with all of this (and very much understood it was our wedding not hers, but she was still surprised nonetheless at how much had changed.

            10. I’m GenX and I have 3 grandchildren. My daughters who are the moms of the grandchildren have degrees and professional jobs (one has a doctorate).

            11. The youngest boomers are only 60 (born 1964) so would have kids in their early 30s or late 20s, i.e., peak marrying age. But agree it’s weird to assume someone is a boomer just because they have kids getting married. Lots of Gen X people also have kids having weddings now.

                I’m an elder millennial (1985) and a few of my high school classmates have kids graduating high school this year who may be getting married within the next few years. (My own kid just finished kindergarten, and I wasn’t ancient when I had her, 32, so this is wild to me, but that’s the small town Midwest for ya.)

   7. I just went thru this last year. I figured my job was to support the couple, and show up appropriately dressed to what ever occaision I was invited to. I checked in with the bride, and the bride’s mother. The BM’s dress will dictate what you wear to every occaision. We handed over checks, but let the kids make all the decisions for the events. DH and I just cheered them on. I was invited dress shopping, which I considered a great honor. The bride’s sister and mother put the shower together, I showed up with a lovely gift wearing a lovely dress that was just slightly less than the BM.s. I offered help at every turn — for the most part there was little they asked me to do. My son made all the decisions for the rehersal dinner, he knew the bride best and what she would be happy with. DH and I just circulated and spoke to everyone. Relax and enjoy it, the best feeling in the world is knowing that the little boy you used to snuggle with, and whose boo-boos you kissed, an has found the love of his life and is now a brilliant, handsome, well mannered adult.

   8. On the etiquette side, get a copy of Emily Post’s book, it explains it all for weddings. In short, for the groom’s family, you just do the rehearsal dinner. It’s tacky for parents of the couple to throw a shower, that’s the province of bridesmaids and family friends who are invited to the wedding or aunts.

      1. Yes, but that has definitely changed.

         I now think it’s tacky to ask bridesmaids to organize a shower. It seems to be 50/50 IME of the couples’ parents vs aunts or family friends hosting a shower.

         To me saying bridesmaids should throw a shower or parents should not throw a shower is just as out of touch as saying the brides family pays for the whole wedding.

         1. Agreed, this is completely out of touch. Weddings are so expensive these days that the bride’s family can’t automatically afford to fund it. That tradition is also based on some misogynistic ideas about the bride’s family “owing” the groom for taking her off their hands. It’s less common for the MOB or MOG to host a shower but not unheard of or tacky. As a guest you’re buying a gift whether the MOG or an aunt is hosting, so who cares? In the midwest I’ve never seen bridesmaids host though. They have full time jobs that keep them busy, don’t own a home large enough to host the group, and can’t afford it on top of a destination bachelorette and general life expenses.

            1. This!

               In 2024, IME, weddings are a joint expense of both sides of the family and the couple themselves, bridesmaids should not be asked nor expected to host showers, and its fine for any relative (including the mother) or family friend of the bride or groom to host a shower.

         2. Tell me you haven’t read her book without telling me.

         3. No, it should be an Aunt or a sister or a bridesmaid who throws the shower. That’s a long standing tradition. I’ve thrown several small showers as the close friend of the bride. The mother of the bride is an honored guest.

      2. Per the Emily Post website: “Today, while it’s still a faux pas for an engaged couple to throw their own shower, pretty much anyone else can host one. Family members frequently step in to host showers, especially when common sense dictates such a solution.”

         1. Still tacky for the parents to do so though.

            1. Still tacky for the parents to do so though.

            2. Eh I think its way tackier to ask a friend or aunt to spend a few thousand hosting a shower than it is to have a parent host.

            3. What is really the difference between your mom hosting a shower and your aunt hosting a shower, logically speaking?

            4. I don’t really care who throws the shower as long as it’s not the couple. But I just don’t think it needs to cost thousands! I haven’t been involved with any that have cost that much, even for people with fancier weddings. The one instance where I hosted one in a restaurant, we limited the guest list so that it wouldn’t be too expensive for anyone. I do think it’s rude for anyone to ask someone else to spend thousands on their behalf, but the shower doesn’t have to be insane!

            5. An aunt is removed, a parent isn’t.

            6. If an aunt is throwing a shower for her niece, I don’t see how she’s removed from the situation. What is the situation anyway – wanting her niece to get things? Isn’t that true regardless of who throws the shower? Maybe I’m still missing the point but either way, there’s a very close person to the bride to be who wants people to get her stuff. If the bride to be doesn’t have any aunts or has close friends who for reasons would have trouble arranging a shower, she shouldn’t have one?

   9. I like the advice to sit down with the bride and groom and ask them. Don’t be afraid of “explain like I’m five;” that phrase was meant for situations like this.

      Many weddings feature a mother/son dance; your son might want that, or he might not. Ask.

      Be VERY cognizant of deadlines. Treat any and all deadlines they give you like work deadlines from a CEO: non-negotiable, Wedding planning is project management; respect the bride and groom enough to treat it that way.

      The sheer number of requests I got to “just consider” changing things up was mind boggling and downright disrespectful of my time and budget. There are too many moving parts and a very very strict deadline (the wedding day).

      Think, over a hundred hours of research done into venues, venues toured, date selected, hefty deposits paid, save the dates went out with the reception venue name, and preliminary guest list made, I got flak from H’s church friends about how I should “just” consider having the reception in the church reception hall and inviting three times as many people. AYFKM.

      Similar things from family. Sorry, if you are a stakeholder, I gave you ample time and a very clear deadline as to when you needed to tell me things. That passed.

      Just the mental energy of even considering why “just” changing it all up… so draining.

      1. Sorry if that sounded cold. What frustrated me was spending a LOT of time and energy trying to make everyone happy, learn what was important to people I love, then making decisions based on what people told me. Those decisions triggered other decisions, and eventually, the entire wedding can’t be in flux. Things MUST be decided because vendors have to do their thing, people make plans, plane tickets are booked, all that.

         And everyone acted like I could “just” switch things up at the last second. It was like taking a tapestry and yanking on one thread because “maybe it would look better this way.”

         Then there was also the feeling that if something actually matters to you, use your words in a timely manner. It matters enough to guilt trip me a week before the wedding about how I can’t switch it all up to accommodate your last minute request (which would push the ceremony back by over an hour), but not enough for you to have asked about this three months ago? Hmmm.

         Intentional or not, it was incredibly rude and hurtful.

   10. Take the lead from the marrying couple, but this is your chance to relax after raising a great kid who knows how to figure out how to do something new. You generally can’t go wrong with offering to write a check (for however much you makes sense to you), telling the marrying couple you have every confidence in them and know the wedding will be lovely, telling them how wonderful everything is shaping up to be, and handling your side of the family (ie, running interference if you have obnoxious relatives).

       Also, ask if they need help with anything, but ask for NOTHING unless absolutely necessary. Being delightful and easy now is a great start to having a strong relationship with the married couple.

       1. +1 This is all great advice!

   11. My hot take is regardless of who hosts a shower, they’re a gift grab which therefore makes it tacky. The caveat: in my circle everyone getting married a) already lives with their fiancé b) is late 20s or early to mid 30s, and c) therefore has lived on their own for 5-10+ years prior to getting married. Therefore they have all of the dishes and pots and pans and vases and whatever else is typically on a registry. They can, and should, register for things they want in this category (and other categories), but they can be given as wedding gifts. No one in this circumstance really needs a shower. Even if they’re upgrading their kitchenwares – they’re DINKS who have a HHI of probably at least $180k, they don’t need someone to buy them new sheets. They can do it themselves.

       I wouldn’t think a shower for a young couple who lives at home and has nothing for their kitchen is tacky, but I don’t know anyone in this circumstance. My aunt (who is 70) had no bachlorette party at all (even a dinner with friends) but had five showers because she and my uncle were “ring by spring” and lived at home and commuted to college and had literally nothing to set up a home with. If I knew someone in that situation today, I’d be happy to buy them a coffee maker or a set of dishes. But I don’t know anyone in that situation!

       1. I understand your point but as someone who didn’t get married in their early 20’s, sometimes a shower is just an event the bride has been looking forward to and wants to celebrate with her friends and family. It’s not all about pots and pans and a kitchen aid. Also, I’m in my 30’s and my dishes are hand me downs and most of my things are very cheap or old. I wouldn’t mind an upgrade and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

          1. Anon at 11:49 here – two friends didn’t have showers but had essentially bridal lunches so that their friends and family could gather and celebrate, but the bride removed the gift giving aspect of the shower.

             One was very much like a traditional shower (all women, held at her aunt’s country club, tbh kind of stuffy), and one was a relaxed backyard bbq at her mom’s house (coed, both sides of family + friends).

             Both were fun (the bbq was more fun) and a great way to meet and mingle and celebrate the couple.

       2. I agree with this so much.

          One of the many reasons I didn’t have a shower: I was 37 years old. There was also a celebration already planned: the wedding.

       3. I am always very side-eye about gift grabs, but showers have been around since forever. It’s not like they’re a new thing in the age of instagram. I want to celebrate my friends. I do not want to go to fifteen different parties in three locations, though. I have no issues with a single, not over the top, shower.

          Some of the best showers I’ve been to as a guest have been at a restaurant with no games. I also hosted one for my friend who was getting married for the first time at age 40. We did a “stock the cellar” shower and everyone brought a nice bottle for the happy couple to share in their first year of marriage. Also no games at that shower! I made elevated finger food, and if I had to do it again, I’d have it catered!

          1. I agree that I’m happy to celebrate the couple and I acknowledge that showers are a very old practice, but I think they’re no longer needed in the way they once were and thus are a gift grab.

             Personally, I’d rather attend a destination bachelorette party than a shower. I don’t super love either, but at least the bachelorette doesn’t feel like a gift grab.

   12. Things are changing around weddings. It is no longer the bride’s family’s responsibility to pay for the entire wedding. It is often which family can actually afford to contribute, if any. You’re not obligated to pay for anything and neither is the brides family. However, most parents do contribute because weddings are insanely expensive! That being said, have an open conversation with your son about contributing towards a wedding. He will have to discuss it with you and the bride will have to discuss it with her family. They may want a very small wedding with no extra or everything over the top! I think you will need to determine the maximum amount you can contribute and then discuss with them.

   13. sharing your region would be super helpful as you can see from the who throws a shower thread – it’s highly regional.

       it sounds like you’ve already contributed some $ with no strings attached – which is so kind, and if there are any ‘strings’ – let them know ASAP. e.g. if you are expecting certain family friends or whatever to be invited, share that now so they can decide.
       Rehearsal dinner – IME, it is well-received to get the couples’ input on what kind of place / get their sign off before booking a venue but overall, handling all the planning/logistics yourself & taking that off their plate.
       Shower – very regional but generally I think it’s rare for MOG to lead. You could certainly offer to help.
       Other events – if you haven’t, taking them out for a celebratory engagement dinner would be lovely.

       Day of – IME, very rare for MOG to get ready with the bride – that’s usually bride, bridesmaids, MOB. Ask if there are specific colors/styles etc. she’d like you to wear. Don’t wear white or any shade of white!

       generally, being a positive sounding board, enthusiastic about and respecting their choices, and following through on any tasks you’re given = you’re bounds above most MOGs!

       from, a 2024 bride

   14. You’ve gotten good wedding advice. I’d just add that I adored my first MIL, and from her I gleaned three rules for being a great MIL myself if I’m ever so blessed: 1. mind your own business, 2. give your DIL thoughtful gifts that are comparable in quality to those you give to your own children, and 3. when the baby shows up, love it to pieces and see #1, above.

4. Yikes — I tried a center part hair style over the weekend. I was going for a Sophia Ritchie look. I got a cross between Ma Ingles and Dwight from The Office. And a headache. I have straight fine hair (but it’s limp, not straight cool hair with body). Any tips for retrying? Some things like a chignon just look better to me with a center part and for summer, I was thinking that that would work well in the heat. It did not. It is still a million degrees but what is helpful to try? And why do my attempts at easy, breezy simple summer hair always look like a wreck?

   1. it’s ok for a particular look to be a miss on your head. A center part makes me look like a sentient potato. I prefer a straight-back slicked look. Aveda’s control paste is my favorite for just enough hold to stay sleek.

      1. Sentient potato made me laugh.

         OP, do whatever works for your hair type and facial shape. No sense in doing the center part thing if it doesn’t work for you!

      2. I have a long, narrow nose & a center part makes me look like a cartoon drawing.

   2. Maybe try a part that is just slightly off center? Not a drastic side part, just a little to one side.

      I saw a hairstyle on Instagram where she made a low ponytail, then kind of rolled the ponytail up and down through itself, just above the hair elastic. It made a kind of low bun and sort of loosened up the sides a bit so you don’t get that Founding Fathers look, if you know what I mean. I don’t remember the account, but it was something like styles for medium-length hair. I am not handy with hair but have done this one successfully a few times.

      1. I know what you mean about the Founding Fathers as a look. I couldn’t come up with that before but it was “I feel like an extra from Hamilton.”

      2. that’s a Gibson roll – you can either tuck it in all the way so it’s like a bun or you can leave it loose so it’s just a little flipped pony. there’s also a way to invert it that’s pretty easy – i forget what it’;s called but i read about it here in that post on updos.

         1. Very close! The one I saw, as the ponytail is rolled in, you kind of pinch the sides together so it makes a little bun instead of a full roll. I like it a lot when I can get it to work right – I have a big forehead (fivehead?) so this style softens the edges a bit, so I don’t look like a Founding Father Potato.

            1. Right there with you and our fiveheads.

      3. +1

         Go 1 cm to an inch off centre.

   3. Aw! My grandma told me 20 years ago that a center part would always accentuate my nose so I went side part and never looked back. Except! I did see what it would look like sometime last year and I felt very strongly that it made my face look heavy and lackluster.

      1. I swear your grandma and my grandma are/were related.

   4. Center part also doesn’t work on me, but when I decided to switch to one I also added bangs — lets the cut be more modern overall while avoiding the Dwight/sentient potato issue.

   5. A center part looks so weird on me. One side falls flat and the other half stands up with significant volume so it’s like a have a continental plate with the uplift section running down the middle of my head.

5. I think that shorts suits are very much a thing, but in this specific context: you are wearing shorts for a nice-casual outfit. Sort of: you are going to a planning brunch for a girls’ weekend trip. It is 99 degrees outside and muggy. You wear your cute-shorts outfit into the restaurant and need something for warmth. Do you bring a ratty fleece? A hoodie? A pashmina (so 1999)? No, you have the jacket to go with your cute outfit. It is a very elevated matching set.

   1. That, or you’re one of the women on Owning Manhattan.

      1. Maybe I have aggressive A/C in my yacht? And I do my content creation there?

         And also: I have those weird unicorns that I see in House Hunters (she raises exotic snails and he makes custom skateboards; they need a remote work place for all of their interests . . .).

      2. In this particular suit, you’re one of the women on Owning Manhattan who is headed to cartoon jail.

   2. anyone else who entered the workforce in the 2010’s also have a pair of Express suit shorts they were SO sure were going to be a central part of their work wardrobe/’office to evening’ looks thanks to cosmo & the like?
      LOL thank god I never actually wore them to the office!

      1. I entered the work force in 1984 and had a pair LOL. They come around every 15 years or so.

         1. O word the shorts of a short suit to sorority rush. I think they were a nice business-like plum linen.

         2. Ah fond memories of my friend getting sent home to change because she wore shorts (a shorts suit) to work.

            1. Haha I think that was me. Hi friend!! LOL.

         3. Here as well. 1984, dark green linen.

   3. I think they are nice for brunch in a city on the weekends. So much crisper than a nap dress. Do not wear with high heels though.

6. I have a kid going away for a week “camp” at a college. It’s for teens and many camps are geared to exploring college majors or more teen-to-adult interests. We (written towards parents, which IMO is NOT helping with the transition) are told that all shorts must cover the buttocks and have a minimum of 3″ of leg length. I’ve never seen anything so specific before and it’s making me wonder (like warning signs) what must have happened previously for this to be no on the list of instructions.

   1. Probably trying to buck the lulu hottie hot shorts trend, but good luck to them.

   2. Does the college have a religious affiliation?

      1. No — Private D1 university. Maybe religiously founded but weak if still currently affiliated (like Georgetown is Catholic but it’ll nothing like Footloose or with chapel and there is definitely beer around).

   3. I don’t think specificity in dress code is necessarily a bad thing : it helps people who struggle with interpreting qualitative guidelines, can help with the “with XYZ body type, nothing is ‘appropriate'” problem, etc. Give the dress code letter to your teen and let them pack

      1. +1. Specifying the inseam is better than the “fingertip rule,” which as a kid with long arms made shorts a no-go for me.

         1. I have short arms and could wear some ridiculously short skirts in high school because of this dumb rule!

      2. I agree. Three inches is quite reasonable. “As long as it isn’t b00ty shorts, you’re good.”

   4. They’re probably sick of seeing cheeks everywhere and having to sit on the same seats as someone else’s bare bottom.

   5. It’s probably because 95% of the teen girls in shorts in my area are showing their buttcheeks. It’s actually a bit out of control.

      1. +1. I wouldn’t assume a SA problem, but a fashion problem.

         1. This.

      2. Yeah, I am seeing literal crescent moons of spray-tanned booty in my neck of the woods.

      3. Yeah I feel like teenage girls wearing cutoffs that short has been a thing for at least the past 20 years when I was a teenager.

         1. Eh, I’m 30 and while I definitely wore short shorts in my teenage years I would have been mortified if my butt cheeks were hanging out!

            1. I’m 59 and shorts in the late 70s definitely had some lower butt cheek exposure. I am a modest, pale person & really struggled with buying shorts as a teen! The hottest shorts were stretch terrycloth with a woven fabric trim in a contrasting color. You were All That if you had the matching tube top.

               Anyway, it’s not exactly a new trend.

      4. Even my 14-year-old kid claims to be a bit grossed out by the amount of butt cheek that is hanging out these days. It really is out of control.

      5. +1 I dont want to see butt cheeks of anyone in public but especially not teens.

   6. Someone’s been cheeking it in past years.

   7. 3″ inseam isn’t very long for shorts. I think this is a normal dress code for teens and wouldn’t side-eye it.

   8. totally normal – and agree a specific inseam measurement is better than the ‘fingertip length’ measurement that schools frequently use(d).

   9. While I’m sure this is just about appropriate dress aka not having butt cheeks hang out rather than covering up past assaults or something, you should be able to look up any incidents on that campus, regardless of who the target population is, under the Cleary Act.

   10. My kid’s at a similar program, and I don’t remember any instruction like that about clothes. That said, I suspect some of the girls have pushed the short-shorts issue pretty far in past sessions and were surprised at the reaction they got to their clothing. Also teenagers may not realize that they are going to sit on things like metal benches, public transit, etc. Teenagers aren’t always great planners.

       Related: I absolutely bristled at the instruction that my kid wear a “modest” one-piece bathing suit at a CA Girl Scout camp. This is the year of our lord 2024, the exposed stomach (on a 9 year old) is OK.

7. I am just catching up on the weekend open thread and saw a couple people mention the On Gossamer mesh undies. I’m the one who originally recommended them, and I’m so glad you tried and liked them!! Nothing more satisfying than giving a good recommendation, so thanks for brightening my Monday morning :)

   1. I also just got my first pair delivered this weekend! They really are good – my problem with most underwear is unless it’s super high cut, it rolls into my C-section scar/pooch. These just nestle nicely without being uncomfortable.

   2. Thank you Anon88 !!!

   3. I am one of the people who commented on the weekend open thread – thank you! They are the best underwear I’ve owned.

   4. Can someone give me more details on what makes these great? Moisture wicking, etc? Do they look semi-sheer in person or is that the photos? Thanks in advance.

      1. For me they’re the only underwear that strikes the balance between comfy and cute. They feel like you’re wearing nothing at all, and I always reach for them first because they’re so comfy. At the same time, they’re really sexy–I’ve had multiple male partners go absolutely feral over them. They are totally sheer in person, and the mesh is super breathable.

   5. Anyone want to comment on how these might fit on those of us who have, erm, non-petite cabooses? Like if I’m an XL in the Soma granny pants am I an XL in the high-cut briefs?

8. Recommendations for a DC-area dentist? I’d prefer to see a woman but would be open to all recs. This board recommended a gem a few years back, but she’s apparently left the practice suddenly. I hadn’t realized how much more pleasant of an experience it would be to see someone who I related to and trusted — that difference made it worth going out of network, but I’ve got Blue Cross, FWIW. TIA!

   1. Well, she’s out by Shady Grove, but I have been going to Cheryl Callahan for years and I like her very much. I’ve sent tons of people to her and they’ve all had good experiences.

   2. I like Maya Roshan in Foggy Bottom/West End. Conservative in her approach to filling cavities, but kept a close eye on my pain levels when I did need to have cavities fillied. Caveat that I have not had any more serious dental work than a filling. And while the name of her practice mentions cosmetic dentistry, I haven’t had any done, and she has never, ever pushed me.

   3. In Old Town, Alexandria Dental Art. I think everyone in there is a woman. Bougie in the best way, and doesn’t cost more than others. I asked the dentist about it once, and she said, “I have to work here, why wouldn’t I want it pretty?”

      Think crystal chandeliers, candles, individual tvs above the chairs, nice modern equipment. Because it’s Old Town, you’ll probably have to park a block away or so.

      1. Most importantly, the dentist is great at her job! And fun – I’d totally want to hang out with her on the weekend ha.

      2. I had a less-great experience here. They found several issues with my teeth, only a few of which were confirmed when I went back to my trusted but less convenient longstanding dentist, Ingber Dental downtown. ADA tried to sell me on night guards and other things that weren’t actually necessary.

   4. I’ve been loyal to Advanced Cosmetic & General Dentistry, at 19th and L St. downtown. They have a team of dentists, 2 of the 3 are women. Their hygienists are also great and have remained consistent for many years.

   5. Nadine Soga, dupont circle.

   6. I love Sirlani Dental group in Foggy Bottom. I’ve seen both Dr Sirlani & Dr. Simmonett- both excellent bedside manner.

   7. I go to Cusumano & Stuver in the Ballston area of Arlington. Parking is easy, and you can get same-day urgent appointments readily. (I recently had a cracked tooth/filling and was going out of town the next day – they got me in and fixed the whole thing same day.)

      1. I like them too and only stopped going to them because my insurance changed. The practice doesn’t have women dentists, although there a number excellent hygienists there.

   8. If you’re looking near the Hill, I love Dr Mesfin of 202 Dental in H St NE. 202.670.8822. The whole experience is so pleasant and efficient. She attended UPenn and Columbia.

   9. Surbhi Chandna of Radiant Smiles Dentistry in Arlington

9. Here is a random other question:
   DH and I have 2 kids. I also have a stepson. Stepson lives local to us (we have lunch together weekly because we work a few blocks away from each other). He is a delight, GF is lovely, kids all get along. But for his looming marriage, etc., I am assuming that I show up to official things when summoned, dressed as requested, on time and sober (what I refer to as “groom mode”). His mom (local-ish) and he can run all of the groom’s side things they want to and I’m going to be firmly in the chorus (producing any junior bridesmaids if requested, etc.). We are happy to fund up to a budget and I don’t particularly want to in on the planning (too many cooks potentially already). GF and he come to dinner often (we have not met her parents yet; wedding will be in her home city that is in another state). I figure we have the rest our lives to live together and I want to keep things easy for him (only child on his mom’s side). I just don’t want to seem aloof or frosty.

   1. What’s the question?

   2. I, too, am having a problem finding the issue/trouble here. Is it that you want to stay out of the way without being perceived as aloof and frosty? If so, simply don’t be aloof and frosty. Be delighted. Be warm. Express joy. Offer to help with whatever is needed. And if you need to, just SAY it . . . “I’m so delighted for you, we have all our lives to get to know each other. I’m going to stay on the sidelines a bit here just to make sure there’s no complication or drama, but I love you guys and I can’t wait to have you, bride, in the family . . .” Just be yourself. (Now, if they have reason to think of you as aloof and frosty, or already think of you that way, that’s a different matter.)

      1. this is a great response and script!

      2. I love this!

      3. I am a stepmom. I would leave out the references to complication and drama. That comes across as implicit criticism of your stepkid’s mom. It sounds like you already know the girlfriend, so no need to talk about having all your lives to get to know each other. Just take them to a nice dinner to celebrate their engagement, let your stepson know that you are delighted for both of them and are happy to help in any way that they need, and leave it at that. If your relationship is like mine with my stepkids, add in “if your dad isn’t getting around to something you need, just let me know and I’ll prod him.” (My husband is notoriously forgetful about logistics, so he is very much the kind of person who would forget to schedule his tux fitting, for example.)

         1. Omg stepmom here and that last bit is so true!

   3. Yeah I’d probably say hey, I don’t want to overstep so I won’t be involved unless you specifically ask me for something, but I’m so excited for you / happy to welcome GF into the family, yada yada yada.

      1. This!

   4. You and your husband should be clear on the budget from moment one. If you say something like “up to $25,000 but whatever you need,” the $25k will be spent before you finish your sentence. Have a firm budget, not a range, and consider it 100% certain to be spent.

      1. +1. And this is why I love the idea of saying, we are giving you $X. You can spend it on the wedding. If any money is left over, we want you to use it to start your life together (whether that is buying new furniture or putting it towards a down payment on a home or whatever you want to use it on).

         1. Yes, agree, no refunds for the parents if the happy couple only spends $24K of the $25K.

   5. Take step-son out to lunch just the two of you to celebrate. Tell him that you are super excited about the wedding but also do not want to overstep on anything so you will take his lead. Talk to him about what he wants. Depending on family dynamics, he may want a strategic buffer (aka you). I presume since you have two kids with his dad that means you’ve been in his life for at least some period of time.

   6. I really don’t think you need to say anthing. No one expects the step parent to be involved in the wedding, unless the bio-parent is out of the picture for some reason. I have been in this from both sides: As the step mother and I also had a step mother when I got married. Just smile and offer to do any errands that may come up if helpful to the family.

10. I’m at a midsize firm, made partner in 2019, put my head down and worried about my own numbers through the pandemic, just now sticking my head up to better understand the firm. In the last 5 years, only 2 of our associates have been profitable. The rest, when I say not profitable, I mean we pay them 100k salary, their revenue is under 100k. Not even including benefits, taxes, or overhead like any share of an assistant/para team/rent. Is this normal? I hear other firms have revenue targets for associates – have any of your firms done that? I read some consultant online who said of an associate’s revenue, 1/3 should go to pay and benefits, 1/3 to overhead, and 1/3 profit. We aren’t even close. Anyone else think this is bad?

    1. What are you and the firm doing to support associates? Why are they not profitable? Is it lack of work? Do bill rates need to be changed?

    2. They needs more billable hours and the firm may need to increase their rates.

    3. What practice area? How many billable hours do they hit per year? How busy are they? Do you often write off their time? What year are they?

       Do they do a lot of non-revenue generating activity that is valuable for the firm (interviewing summer associates, presentations, etc.)?

       Do you have a system whereby the partners bill huge money and the associates, less than average, such that the client bills average out to normal but internally, its allocated in a very lopsided manner?

    4. Yes, please share more details about practice area, and how you bill clients. If an associate at your firm billed 1,750 hours at $150/hour (a number that some would consider to be far below market for an associate, but I think that depends on what you do), they’d bring in more than $260K. We have some associates at our firm who aren’t doing great – in that they aren’t meeting billable targets, or their work is not good, so a lot gets written off, but if we had someone who was not bringing in more than their salary, we’d have a major issue. So I would say that is not normal at all. We have billable hour targets, not revenue. We don’t follow the 1/3 model, I think our salaries are typically a bit higher than 1/3, but not far off. It’s a good benchmark.

    5. I had a friend that worked at a firm with a collections goal instead of a billable hours goal and it was not a fair system to associates – associates have no control over partners writing off their time and no control over clients paying bills, discounts, etc.

       You say the associates are unprofitable, but you don’t say whether they are unproductive. Are they making their hours requirements? If they are but are still unprofitable, then that’s a firm management issue – people are either writing off their time or their rates are too low.

    6. Replying a bit late, hope this goes through!
       – Our billable hours requirement is 1675. Unlimited pro bono and shadowing/no-charge hours count towards the billable requirement. CLE and marketing don’t count towards those hours but they get a bonus if they hit 100 of those hours. billable-hours bonus is at 1675 and 1800.
       – 7/10 of our associates don’t hit their hours. I understand no one has ever been fired for not meeting hours – its a 3-4 year “coaching” process without formal PIPs or anything.
       – Rates are about $50-100/hour less than our partner rates. All our rates are a bit under market rate. Lots of long term clients.
       – Practice areas vary – half are litigation half transactional. Keep in mind we are a midsize firm so “litigation” means one associate primarily does products liability+business disputes in federal court. Another associate “transactional” means they do estate planning, real estate, and review contracts.
       – We do not track which of our partners write off associate time. Do other firms?
       – We encourage shadowing on files and I suspect this means a lot gets written off, for years.
       – For 2023, 6/10 associates did not bring in enough to cover their salary. I just noticed this now, in July 2024, not at our annual meeting, no one looks at this overall. 2/10 covered salary plus their bonuses for meeting their marketing hours. 2/10 were profitable, meaning their revenue coverd salary, benefits, bonuses, taxes, and maybe $15-20k extra per person.

       I genuinely don’t think we’ve ever tracked this before. And I’m surprised? I don’t know that any partner has outsized lopsided profits for anything an associate works on.

       1. IANAL and have never worked at a law firm, but I am in consulting and very familiar with the billable hour. It sounds like someone needs to do a breakeven analysis of billable hours for the associates: how many hours do they need to bill (and have billed to clients, not written down or counted towards pro bono) for them to cover their own expense and overhead, plus at least a modest profit (5-10% maybe…I’m not sure the 1/3 rule should apply here)? For the sake of argument, let’s say that’s something like 1500 hours. With a requirement of 1675, does that leave enough room for the typical number of hours written down plus the typical number of pro bono hours? If not, something has to give: fewer hours of pro bono allowed to count toward the 1675 requirement, or coaching/training to reduce the hours written down (coaching for both the associate and the partners, if the partners are writing down too many hours). Maybe you need to raise your rates, too.

          I’m also a little confused by your comment “I don’t know that any partner has outsized lopsided profits for anything an associate works on.” Is your firm even solvent? Are the partners billing enough/bringing in enough to support the associates and any other support staff, plus overhead?

    7. Associates do not have “revenue.” Partners have revenue. The question is whether the partners are profitable given the firm’s overhead, which includes the associates’ compensation. Revenue attributable to hours worked by an associate is part of the revenue of the partner on whose case the associate worked. If that revenue is too low, that is the fault of the partner, not the associate. If associates regularly fail to meet a minimum hours requirement, that means the partners have done something wrong—either they haven’t brought in enough work for the associates to do or they are not adequately enforcing the hours requirement.

11. Paging adult ballet poster and lovers!

    I saw in last week’s hobby thread that at least one person’s time-consuming hobby is adult ballet. The professional company in my city has an adult class starting in August that I’m excited to try out. I’m 41, not very flexible, and a bit overweight, so not the normal ballerina, but I do so love the art form.

    Any tips (or success stories) from those who have tried it?

    1. Have you ever done ballet at all, even as a child/teen, or will this be your very first time? It might be a good idea to call the company and ask if this is a true beginner class or if it is an adult class for former dancers/those who studied at a high level but did not go ‘pro’ so to speak. There are many ‘adult’ ballet classes in NYC and elsewhere by studios/companies that are really semi-pro classes in which a beginner would be hopelessly lost.

       1. It is a true beginner class, and I’ve never taken dance. The website said this particular time was for people who have never danced (or never done ballet), and I did email just to confirm! There’s a different session for people who took ballet when they were younger and are getting back to it. I did have the same thought as you on this!

       2. I’m not in NYC or another city with an “elite” ballet school, but every adult beginner ballet class I’ve done welcomed true beginners, even if there was a range of experience among the students.

          1. Adult ballet classes are the best! I used to go regularly pre-pandemic (no good reasons for not going back except inertia) and my classes were so fun. We all tried our best, but we knew we weren’t going to go pro, so the classes were very chill.

             One thing I’d look for is if it’s a true adult class. Some places consider 13-year-olds to be adults. No shade on youngsters, but I don’t really want to be in a ballet class with them. The adult classes I took, most people were at least 30 and I’d say the majority were over 40.

             Another thing to think about is that it might not be super “fun” at first, as you get used to the technique and vocabulary – it might not feel like dancing. But you’ll get there soon enough! It’s also great exercise and a way to get your mind off troubles – you can’t worry too much about other things when you are trying to remember which is your left and which is your right foot.

    2. That sounds fun! Honestly my advice is mostly just to show up. :) I’d probably wear black leggings/shorts and a black tank top for the first class, but if you really want to do a leotard probably wear black dance shorts over it. Bring your ballet slippers. The other poster is right about skill level, sometimes there is a beginner class and an absolute beginner class. I used to take adult ballet classes in nyc and if the studio has absolute beginner classes, that is for real beginners (and their beginners are people who did a lot of ballet as kids but didn’t go pro). But there were still absolute beginners in both style classes that I attended. If it’s open level they’ll probably instruct for beginner and higher, but I agree it’s good to ask.

    3. I feel like if youth classes could be run like adult ones, ballet would have all of the abusiveness I associate with it and young girls. Size positive and build (not wreck) your body, especially your feet.

    4. Yes! I did ballet as a kid and loved it but quit around 12 because I was an awkward pre-teen and the teacher was mean. But I picked it up in my early 30s and love it. My studio is super accepting of different shapes and abilities, no one is becoming a professional ballerina and everyone is there to have fun. It’s done wonders for my flexibility and posture, and it gets a lot easier the more you do it.

       1. Just to add, I have done two studios. One is more of a gym with ballet classes, and the focus is on fun/workout more than technique. It’s very casual, you can wear workout clothes, some of the music is more modern. I’ve also done the classes associated with the professional ballet school in my city. They have beginner classes, the studios are gorgeous, classes are taught by professionals. It’s more serious, they have a real pianist and more focus on technique. But maybe I’ve lucky, both have really nice vibes and none of the mean girl attitude I experienced when I was younger. Make sure you try out and find a spot that’s right for you.

    5. Enjoy! I have gone to adult ballet classes off and on for the last couple years and the Serious Ballet School in my area. I’m 40 and never danced as a kid. I love it! I’ve found it’s a very accepting and supportive environment in the beginner classes. There are all ages and body types, literally from thin and toned 20-somethings to overweight middle aged folks to a couple elderly men and women I’d estimate are 70+, and everything in between. There’s a mix of people who danced earlier in life and those who started as adults; although you can kinda tell who is who, no one cares. There’s a mix of attire, too — neither leggings and a workout shirt nor a leotard, skirt and tights would be out of place. Your skill and flexibility at the start don’t matter, it will all improve the more you practice!

       I did the school’s intro to ballet series first, which was great as familiarization with the vocabulary and class flow. Hopefully the offering in your area is similar. But since then I’ve just been going to the adult beginner classes, which are slow paced, with lots of instruction on proper technique, and good breakdown to demonstrate combinations. Do NOT try to attend a class significantly beyond your level, you won’t be able to keep up and it won’t be fun.

12. Social etiquette question here. I do ballroom/Latin/rhythm/smooth dancing. My dance studio has practice parties on Friday evenings. The floor gets pretty full and navigating can become difficult. This past Friday at the practice party, I bumped into another woman. I was going backward, so I did not see her, and it was certainly not intentional. As a result of the collision, a strap on the woman’s shoe broke.

    I did apologize to her, but should I also offer her some money? Cash? A gift card to a dance shoe retailer? Or just do nothing? People bump into each other pretty often when dancing, but usually it does not result in broken shoe pieces.

    1. No, that’s overboard. Shoes don’t last forever and that was its moment.

       1. Yeah I’d very much chalk this one up to sh!t happens and shoes don’t last forever.

    2. Nope. Besides you were following, Floor craft is the leader’s job not yours and this is to be expected dance contact.

13. what are your favorite meals for when it’s too hot to turn on the stove?

    1. Made gazpacho last night!

    2. I love a nice summer salad: tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, avocado, chickpeas, feta, and balsamic vinaigrette.

    3. watermelon, arugula & feta salad drizzled with balsamic glaze.
       cereal with milk
       cold fried chicken (store bought) & salad
       cold rotisserie chicken (store bought) & salad

    4. my comment got lost?

       watermelon, feta, & arugula drizzled with balsamic glaze ~had this 2x last week!
       cold fried chicken & spinach salad
       cold rotisserie chicken & salad
       caprese salad

    5. Bruschetta with prosciutto and pine nuts (bonus points for burrata instead of mozzarella). Charcuterie dinner: cheese, cured meat, olives, marinated artichokes or peppers, melon or stone fruit. Store bought rotisserie chicken on a sandwich with avocado, green apple, sriracha mayo, and a light cabbage-and-white-balsamic slaw.

    6. Variations on scrambled eggs.

    7. A salad with all the fresh, crunchy veggies I can find. Dressing made from a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch powder (Buttermilk Recipe ONLY) and half Best Foods/Hellman’s mayo, half plain yogurt. Delicious.

       If you can bring yourself to use the air fryer, a chicken tender will cook in 4 minutes per side & add a nice little protein to your salad. I like to season chicken with Penzey’s Northwoods seasoning.

       Salad ingredients: iceberg + baby arugula, sliced salted cucumbers, halved grape tomatoes, shredded carrot, canned garbanzos, halved small black olives, the green parts of scallions, sunflower seeds or pine nuts.

    8. A couscous salad with shredded rotisserie chicken, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, and feta. Tossed with a garlicky vinaigrette and chilled in the refrigerator for a few hours before serving.

       Cold barbecue chicken, diced, and put on a southwestern salad with lettuce, corn, tomatoes, crumbled tortilla chips.

       Smoothies of any sort, some days are just too hot for real food.

    9. A bean or grain salad

    10. Berry salad: mixed greens, avocado, strawberries, blueberries, goat cheese, shredded rotisserie chicken, balsamic vinaigrette.

    11. Baked tofu from Trader Joe’s on top of salad with edamame, slaw, ginger dressing, crunchy tortilla strips, etc.

    12. Gonna make a salad tonight that is just sliced peaches + sliced mozzarella + mint leaves.

    13. Stuff on a cutting board: crackers, cheese, and salami; cut-up fruit; veggies and hummus; maybe deviled eggs if I’m feeling like it.

14. I’m having a hard time managing someone on my team who is just … aggressively mediocre. He is not bad enough that I have enough documentation to fire him (public job), but he is just not getting better at some key things despite coaching. It’s been a year; I don’t know if he can. Any ideas?

    1. Honestly, it’s ok if not everyone is a superstar. To me, mediocre means that they’re accomplishing what needs to be done, which seems acceptable.

       1. I manage someone that I would consider mediocre. He gets stuff done and mostly correct. It’s not as fast as I would do it or maybe as above and beyond as some other people I manage. It gets done. He’s fairly junior in his career so I try to coach and give feedback about how I would approach things.

    2. Work on getting enough documentation to fire him. Are you documenting the coaching and why it’s not helping?

    3. Start documenting. Put him on an actual PIP if appropriate. Document how he performs on that. You need to build a file. It may take a year, but he has to know that you’re serious and there are consequences: he improves or he’s out.
       Work with HR as you do everything.

    4. I would make this very clear in his midyear and end of year performance evaluations. “Employee has not demonstrated key competencies as required by position X, for example: … does not take feedback from biweekly coaching, unable to complete Y report within timeline, hands in Z reports with more typos than expected by his seniority.”

       This leaves a paper trail of your efforts and his lack of performance. Is a PIP appropriate for your org? If you need to learn to live with it, I’d document ruthlessly and move on with your efforts to others who want to advance.

    5. I promise I’m not trying to be dismissive but a huge number of people are just aggressively mediocre. They are the majority! As long as work products are at a 75-80 when I get them it’s fine enough. That said missing products or products that require a complete re-write (as opposed to a quick edit) are definitely not okay and PIP worthy. Sometimes I wish I could just implant my attention to detail to all my underlings.

    6. I’d ask, genuinely, if the mediocrity is okay? Not everyone is a superstar who wants to climb the ladder. Is he making mistakes that are bad enough that merit a PIP, or is it that he’s consistently turning in B- work that’s passable but you’re not proud of?

       1. I really don’t think it’s PIP-worthy but he is consistently turning in the B-minus work.

          1. Oh, “B-minus” as in “above the natural average”? Stop thinking about it and move on. Accept that some people will not give their best for a myriad of reasons, including just not wanting to. I’d start developing the leaders around him who have emerged.

          2. B-minus is a passing grade. Is the idea that he’s fine in his current role but isn’t a good prospect for added responsibilities/promotions?

          3. I’d also caution against some of the advice on trying to fire this person. I’m sure it depends on where you work, but in much of corporate America you’d come off as the bad guy because doing a fine job shouldn’t be a fireable offense. It would be demoralizing to be on that team.

          4. My husband REALLY struggles to manage B- work level people and we have lots of conversations about it, so I think know where you’re coming from. It’s really hard when you think they’re not living up to their potential and could do A work, but just don’t. I do better with it because after a while I adjust my expectations of the person’s work to match what their output is. Okay this person doesn’t give A level work, I do not expect that of them and I keep them slotted in projects were B- work is okay.

             To be honest, I’m not necessarily sure that DH’s high expectations aren’t better for driving people, but I think I’m a happier manager. :)

          5. I spent years in a corporate forced curve performance appraisal/ranking culture. Anyone who was mediocre got shoved into the “below expectations” bucket because even really good performers were ranked “meets expectations.” Anyone in that below expectations bucket, which was a mandatory 20% of the distribution, could pretty much expect to be out the next time there was a round of layoffs. The corporation said it was a way of keeping the top talent only.

             It was EXTREMELY unpopular with both staff and managers, but the CEO said it was a kindness to tell people ahead of time that their job was potentially at risk, because it was the truth, and at least way, if they got that rating they wouldn’t commit to buying a new house or whatever.

             So your mediocre guy would probably be out the door within 1-2 years at a lot of US corporations (as this forced distribution thing is very common at F500 companies.)

          6. Do you pay him a B-minus amount?

    7. I had a team of three superstars and one aggressively mediocre associate, and when it came time to do a RIF, the mediocre associate had to go, but prior to that, I gave him a lot of counseling on considering what type of position he might be best suited for, in addition to trying to help him improve. It’s hard to have someone mediocre on an otherwise stellar team. I just wasn’t excited to send work his way, when I knew the others would knock it out of the park.

       1. Yeah, I think this is part of the problem. We are a high achieving, high functioning team. And others also work more efficiently and effectively. I can see potential in this guy but there seems to be something fundamental that he’s not getting.

15. WWYD: I am a senior in-house lawyer. We’re doing a deal, and although we usually use a particular firm (biglaw, but like AmLaw50, not AmLaw10) for our transactions, this one has headline risk and so the board asked that we use a certain extremely prestigious firm (think Davis Polk, Cravath, etc.). We got the diligence memo last Friday, and something in it looked off to me. I double checked the specific contract, and their analysis was just wrong (and it was a black and white issue, like “is this concept in the contract or not?”). That got me nervous so I checked another one…and in the end, it turned out that their analysis was wrong on this issue for every single material contract but one.

    We raised this with the partner. He deflected the question to the senior associate running the deal, who didn’t answer, and ultimately a mid-level responded and said that they “agreed with our analysis.” No apology, not even an acknowledgement that they screwed up significantly and that, had I not double-checked them, we would have gone forward with an incorrect perception of a very material issue (this would have directly impacted our closing conditions).

    I am an ex-biglaw partner. I would have been on the phone to my client apologizing profusely immediately. He has said nothing. This is after, by the way, we already had a conversation about lack of responsiveness from his team. Do I go back to him for another performance conversation? Or go straight to the partner who has the relationship with my company? We are a very large, name-brand company, and do a lot of business with them in another area, so while they’re not our typical deal counsel, we are a significant client.

    1. I would go to the person in your company who recommended the firm and explain it exactly like you explained it here. There are both substantive and client-relations issues here.

       Then have an “ask” – can you get AmLaw50 to do this deal? A different AmLaw10? Know what you’re asking for before you go in.

       1. +1

          It would be a mistake in my org to escalate with the firm before escalating to the person who decided to retain them (the GC).

          1. My concern: this sounds like M&A; her company is buying up another company; and they did an analysis of the contracts for toxic terms. Or something close enough that the analogy works.

             Any decent contracts manger with a JD could have done the job better; there is something seriously amiss if the alleged rock stars can’t do their jobs correctly. That isn’t fixed by a stern talk with the partner; you get a firm that prides itself on producing good work.

    2. It doesn’t sound like he will be responsive so I would not go back to this person. He’s already not met expectations twice and won’t acknowledge it. What would be different on the third go-round?

    3. You drop them, right? They’ve shown they don’t care to do good work for you. You have other options.

    4. Senior in-house here, and I would go straight to the partner who holds the relationship and be blunt that this is going to put the rest of your work in jeopardy if it can’t be explained and resolved asap.

    5. If you’re unhappy with your current representation I promise there are other attorneys who would be very happy for the business.

       1. Right? And demand that they write off this time.

    6. That sounds substantial enough tot be seeking alternative representation.

    7. OP here – I really appreciate the comments so far. I should have added that given where we are in the deal and the timeline to close, switching firms is not an option. Other info: this firm has a longstanding relationship with us but this partner does not; he was recommended by the firm’s relationship partner. We have used this firm for deals with headline risk or significant regulatory hair in the past but they are not our primary M&A counsel – the other firm is.

       I discussed with my colleague (who leads our M&A legal team) and we are going to speak to the firm’s relationship partner and let her know that we need another partner to be engaged to finish out our transaction; there are others at this firm that have worked with us in the past in similar circumstances. We will make the GC (who is my boss) aware of the issue, but within my org, he wouldn’t engage on an issue like this while it’s midstream. I expect him to indicate that he plans to speak with Firm’s managing partner after the fact about the issue and its potential relationship impact, but he will view this better managed by me/my peer until the deal is wrapped.

       1. It sounds like you’ve settled on the right way to handle this. Hopefully, both the senior associate and the mid-level get coaching on how to handle next time. How embarrassing for the firm to make a poor midlevel deliver the bad news to a client.

    8. Law firm partner here. If you didn’t get an immediate call from the relationship partner, with a profuse apology and an offer to cut bills / redo work at no cost, then I would go elsewhere. If you’re seeing this pattern now, you can’t trust their work in the future. Sometimes in diligence errors from junior associates slip through (if a senior doesn’t also review the same contracts, which often there isn’t time to do), but the firm needs to go into major damage control mode right away. If they don’t, then they just don’t value you enough as a client.

       We would be happy to do your M&A and other deal work!

       1. +1

          yea this is crazy to read.

16. Does anyone have a favorite theft-proof backpack? I’m going to the Olympics next week and I’m very concerned about pickpockets given the massive crowds. I’d love a backpack with some sort of mechanism on the zips. Anyone have a favorite?

    1. Sherpani. Not all products have anti-theft features. Among the backpacks the Soleil, Tempest, and Juno models have anti theft features. I have traveled with the Soleil a number of times and thrice have locked it to an immovable object and left it with no problems. It has a steel locking cable, certain areas are anti-slash, and the zippers can be used in the regular fashion or in an anti theft mode. With numerous handy straps it functions as a backpack, tote, or shoulder bag.

    2. Which Olympics? Presumably not hiking in the PNW??

       1. Is this question real??

          1. No it was a bit of light humour. For hiking in the PNW, bells will help avoid any bears stealing your sandwiches.

       2. Lololol

       3. Paris 2024 Summer Olympics

    3. I have a pacsafe city style backpack that has a lot of safety features and looks normal. I’ve been happy to have cards and passport in an inside zipped pocket of that one.

       I wouldn’t consider any backpack truly safe for Paris, if you are somewhere crowded or look touristy, though. Paris pickpockets are legendary. Bring a decoy wallet with some cash and your metro card to be the one you “flaunt”.

    4. I have a Baggallini Securetex anti-theft backpack that I like. It’s lightweight and has a pocket on the back that is difficult to access and that’s were I keep a small amount of cash and passport if I’m traveling. It’s $110 on the Baggallini site but they have signup promos. Amazon may have it for less.

       https://www.baggallini.com/securtex-anti-theft-vacation-backpack/AVB465-BGR-B0942-NS.html

17. I didn’t want to jack the whole thread about the in house attorney and the poor quality deal team… but I suspect this is an origination credit problem. In a lot of firms, only one person gets OG credit and, usually, that is not the person who is doing the work. Which is fine if the originating attorney is actually overseeing the work and managing the client – your “credit” for all those nonbillable hours is the OG credit; people who are doing billable work get “credit” for their work in the form of billable hours.

    The problem is when the non-originating attorneys are also expected to do a lot of nonbillable/minimally billable oversight and management. I’m a fairly junior income partner. I have a small and growing book. Many times, one of my senior equity partners will ask me to oversee a team doing something in my practice area but they’ll push back on my hours because they want to cut the client a deal. I always bill those hours anyway but there’s huge pressure not to, and over time it becomes really hard to have the motivation to do the best job for that particular client because I know I’m not going to get full freight for that work. The originating partner could give me a small percentage of the OG credit and I’d be happy to put in some of my time for “free” because I’m getting compensated in the OG credit column. But of course that cuts into their numbers so they don’t. The whole model disincentivizes middle management from actually managing. And then you get situations like what that poster describes, where the originating partner is checked out because they’re happy to sit back and collect their check for doing nothing, and the partner who’s supposed to be managing the team is checked out because they’re not getting paid for the work they would put into the client so they just let the associates flounder.

    1. Should senior level and mid level associates be making these kinds of mistakes at an AmLaw10?

       1. Well we don’t know what the mistake was, so it’s hard to say. Ultimately, though, it’s on the partner to oversee the associates.

       2. They should not. This isn’t about originating credit, it’s about carelessness – for something black and white like that, a partner’s supervision shouldn’t make much of a difference. I see the issue you describe coming into play on things like documents drafted by associates, not basic diligence questions.

    2. I’m sorry, but if you’re a professional, it is not ok to make obvious mistakes, even if you don’t get “origination credit.” Any profession has professional standards. I’m not a deal attorney but I’d be embarrassed to turn in work like that described in the post above.

18. Opened a new bag of shredded cheddar last night and a family member noticed the smell right away opening the bag. Not a bad smell necessarily, but IDK if I’ve ever opened a bag of store bought cheddar and noticed enough of a smell to care. Family member then commented it looked more orange than usual. We wouldn’t have noticed it except that we were making something where we used an opened bag of cheddar first, ran out, and then opened this new one for more. So looking at the two side by side, it was obviously more orange than the first batch. Ended up throwing the recipe out and making something else because we weren’t sure if we should be eating this. No mold or anything. Should we toss this bag?

    1. Sometimes I feel like bagged shredded cheese gets a feet smell when it’s old…I usually throw it out when it gets that way because it grosses me out. I would have done the same thing as you and would either throw the bag out or return it to the store if you have the receipt handy.

    2. If it smells wrong and looks wrong, don’t eat it.

    3. Seriously? You have a bag of cheese that you think may be bad. The options are toss it or eat it and see if anyone get sick.

    4. Yes, of course.

    5. If it smells, toss it.

    6. Years ago I started buying large blocks of cheese and shredding them myself because too many bags had this problem. More recently I’ve started buying shredded cheese again and it’s mostly ok. But if I smell that off smell, I’m tossing it. I don’t think the color difference is necessarily meaningful.

    7. This sort of thing is an ongoing source of contention in my house. My husband has an iron stomach. I do not. He can eat things like you describe and he will be perfectly fine. Thanksgiving turkey leftovers on Christmas Eve? Fish that was made so long ago we don’t remember when we last ate fish? Moldy yogurt? All perfectly fine! For him. He has finally accepted that I will not eat things like that because I cannot, not because I’m just picky. He’s the cook in our household and he’s accidentally given me food poisoning more than once because he “thought it was fine”. He no longer does this with anything questionable but the cheese thing would probably require a “remember the scallop incident” warning from me.

       1. I’m glad he’s stopped doing this; I didn’t know till I was an adult that eating food that is off can still increase stomach cancer risk without upsetting one’s stomach.

    8. How much would you pay to avoid indigestion?

19. I just got asked to leave my company. It was a difficult role, one of a small handful company of company directors, and my team complained about my to my boss (the CEO) which led him to dismiss me. In his words, he either had 1 problem or 5 (I had 7 total direct reports). For context, I’m one of very few foreigners in leadership teams, I was promoted to my role, I whistleblew about inaccurate (and misleading) reporting which had led to a fellow director being overpaid a bonus for about 10 years, and the company was underperforming which was part of the reason I was in role. I had last week off sick due to COVID which totally bedbound me. I found out end of today. What do I do? I have been offered to be paid 3 months (per contract) plus an additional month as a gesture of goodwill. They have a history of firing senior leaders and just paid a former senior employee a year’s salary to put an unfair dismissal claim to bed. I’m in England if it’s relevant. PS my awesome sister also reads this, and has also given advice (focus on kids, health, CV update, and try to get a year’s severance) and I wanted to see if anyone had anything to add. I work as a finance director in case anyone has leads in or near London, or remotely! (Tech, VC, and public sector experience)

    1. Negotiate a neutral reference if possible

       1. Thank you. My boss offered to recommend me to his contacts, and said part of the agreement was to give a positive reference. I jeopardise that if I negotiate too hard. Maybe.

    2. I don’t have much to add here, just wanted to say this sucks and I hope you’ll feel better and land a much better role/boss.
       If there is no cause for dismissal (did you get any negative feedback mid-year or end-year? Were you on PIP?), I would try to get 6-12 months and keep you officially employed for X months for insurance. I can imagine finding a suitable role may take longer at your grade, which is why I would ask for higher severance package and to stay on insurance.
       I would consider consulting an employment lawyer.
       Hugs!

       1. OP here. Thank you! I was hoping to apply for a mortgage, so an additional 3 months on the books would be helpful. It would also make my tenure look less short which would help as I’ve only been it role for 4 months! My latest appraisal was exceeds expectations. I passed probation a month ago. I’ve done nothing very wrong but am behind on essential admin including documenting performance objectives on the system (the conversations happened but weren’t documented).

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