Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Scoopneck Ponte Dress with Pleats
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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
Ses, I was seriously late to the party yesterday, but I am in Denver and if you want to get together shoot me an email at cbwpa_cliff_effect@hotmail.com.
Welcome!
Ses and Ms. BEF–I’ll be travelling to Denver the last week of June for a conference if you want to meet up (or if there are other Denver ‘rettes who want to start a meetup group) I crashed the Boston group earlier this year, so I guess I’m just making the rounds :)
I’m in Denver and would love to join a meetup group of other corporette followers! I’ve only been here for 10 months, so my circle is limited.
Thanks for the welcome! I’ll email Ms. Basil and also post again this week. I’ve now started the gmail address denvercorporette to start the ball rolling. I’ll also set up a public calendar on there with our meetup dates and potential dates.
Emma, you can email me at that address if you want!
goirishkj – I think we met in Boston! Welcome to the Traveling Corporette Show. :)
Lord and Taylor has a ton of cute dresses on sale (I just checked out the Wear to Work category). I’m eying a couple of matte jersey Lauren by Ralph Lauren ones (including a polka dot one). Anyone have experience/recommendation on their matte jersey dresses? I need a fabric heavy enough to be kind to my love handles. TIA!
I just got a card in the mail that L&T is having a friends & family sale starting June 4, 25% off “almost everything.” The card says to text SALE to 95555 to get the offer sent to your phone.
I love love love the Lauren Ralph Lauren dresses. I have 3 of them and wear them to work all the time (plus they are machine washable and don’t wrinkle).
I have a matte jersey Lauren dress, it’s incredibly flattering. I bought spanx to wear with it, and ended up not needing it, and I am not in good shape. The material is pretty thick and very flattering. Not that it holds you in or anything, but it just doesn’t show every bump like thinner fabrics do.
Lauren by Ralph Lauren jersey dresses are the best! In fact, I have been contemplating making all of my work dresses these, because I just can’t stand to be constricted. Second LawyrChk’s recommendation on washability. I wear 1-2 of them every week to work. Also, I agree with the fabric weight. Wonderful and flattering all the way around, especially the ones with ruching.
Love this color, just not the dress.
And to whoever posted the link to Suri’s burn book, thank you!!! Care to guess how my morning was spent? ;)
On a similar note, I just spent my morning reading ALL of the girlofacertainage.com blog. It’s written by the founding editor of Lucky (who also worked at Sassy!) and it’s basically everything I want Jane Pratt’s new adult blog to be but is not.
I love Kim France! Yes– her new blog is great. :-)
For the record, I used to love Lucky magazine (the first few years) and then it got all repetitive as well as out-of-touch (to me).
Ohhh, Sassy. How I miss you. Jane magazine just never ever measured up.
Did you see the post about Hello Kitty Airlines? Oh, wow.
This DRESS is PERFECT for me. It is NOT expensive and the pleaets help me so that no one can say I am to overweight!
The manageing partner keeps looking at my tush, but he will NOT be abel to see very much with the pleaets keeping thing’s very loose.
Thank’s to the HIVE for the advise about the doosh on the subway. I now know that he was being rude and did NOT care about becoming my HUSBAND. FOOEY on men that do not look to women as spouse’s and life mate’s. I will Never just have a man for sex. That is rude. DOUBLE FOOEY!
Let the record reflect that Ellen is an OLD-FASHIUMMED GURL who does NOT approove of HOOCK-UPSS!
Love this for my offices casual friday. don’t love that its poly for the summer, but for the price I think I am going to try it.
I bought 3 Target dresses to try yesterday because the price was too good to pass up. I was inspired by the recent comments about trying to not wear lounge clothes all the time at home. I’m hoping sme of the dresses work because they all look like a comfy way to step it up from my pajama pants and still cool enough to wear in the heat and humidity. Fingers crossed they are as great as I want them to be! And doubly crossed that I can manage to get out of lounge clothes more often.
i have this dress and love it, it feels much more cotton-y than poly. One caveat: I am pear-shaped, and on the A-team, so this fit great from waist down, and I had it taken in a tiny bit in the top to make it perfect. It does have “designated boob room” (h/t AlreadyPretty.com) so those of the more-endowed persuasion should proceed with caution.
Hah, I’m wearing the cross-front dress today (similar) and actually had to tone it down with my jewelry because at my office I’ve been warned not to come in looking so “fancy.”
Oh, I love my job but I hate having to play to people’s perceptions!
Wild goose chase TJ – Yesterday I saw a woman wearing brown leather loafers that looked sort of like Sperry Top Siders, but less structured and more soft/weathered. The distinctive thing about the loafers is that they had a green line around the sole. Any ideas what they were?
I’m not positive the sole is green, but it could be: Timberland Earthkeepers Vintera Oxfords.
http://www.campmor.com/outdoor/gear/Product___15747#
And these Cole Haans:
http://www.colehaan.com/colehaan/catalog/product.jsp?catId=100&productId=548643&productGroup=548645
I am wearing this exact dress today!
The pleats are great for camoflaging my little 12-week baby bump.
So completely unrelated threadjack off the bat–please feel free to skip over. I am planning to get married in two or three years, and would like to have a wedding at an old plantation house in Virginia–or a similarly sized estate (and definitely NOT having a plantation themed wedding). Ideally, I would like to find one that has a lot of indoor space like ballrooms etc., and also places for members of the wedding party to stay. It would also be great if it were a place that allowed us to stay for more than the single wedding day to hold other events required in my culture.
Has anyone stayed in places like this or been to something like this for a wedding? I’ve done some searches and have found some possibilities and vacation rentals that might work. It is also very early in the process, so I would appreciate some suggestions.
Are you on the Knot’s community forums? While many of the boards are take-it-or-leave-it, I found my local board (not Virginia, though) to be really helpful, especially for venue recommendations.
I went to a wedding in Virginia (Charlottesville — by UVA) that was at a winery, but otherwise meets your criteria. It was one of the best weddings I have every been to (not to mention the wine was fantastic). I know the wedding party stayed on site for a few nights.
I have a friend living in Chicago who went to our mutual friend’s wedding at a winery in Charlottesville. And the wedding was one of the best I’ve ever been too, also? You don’t happen to be married to someone whose name starts with ‘B’, do you?
Looks like my anon status may be up, at least as to one person. Trying to recall who I was at that wedding with . . . .
HAHA. Funny. Now you’ll have to be Anonymous from Chicago, that’ll fool them.
My friend did this in Louisiana. The wedding was in a church and the reception was at the plantation in the early afternoon (though it was an outdoors reception in June in Louisiana. So. Hot.). The wedding party all stayed the night after the wedding on the plantation and it was so much fun. I highly recommend it. I’ve done research (mainly google) and found a lot of different plantation or estate options for my own wedding in Louisiana, though I don’t have any specific venue recommendations in Virginia. Good luck! I love these types of weddings.
Does it have to be Virginia? I’m thinking of Middleton Place Plantation/The Inn at Middleton Place in Charleston, SC. If I had had a more of a “do” for my wedding, and if certain family members were willing to go somewhere, this would have been IT for me.
There is one in Amherst County that my husband’s best friend was married at – it was phenomenal, and meets all of your qualifications.
It was very, very close to Wintergreen and the wedding party, the husband’s large family, and friends all stayed at cabins (NOT rustic, very nice) at Wintergreen about 10 minutes away from the venue site. They had some sort of arrangement with the plantation facility. Seriously, they put up about 30 people for a Thurs-Sunday and my understanding is that it was very inexpensive because June is the off season, rather than ski season.
Anyway, I’ll try to find out the name of that place for you.
This sounds really lovely. Please let me know if you do track it down at VaWedding125 at gmail dot com. (This is a completely random email address I made up for this).
It’s not a plantation, but I know someone who is having a wedding like that at the beautiful Homestead Resort in Hot Springs, VA. As an added bonus, one of the resort activities is falconry. Falconry! http://www.thehomestead.com/
If I had won the lottery prior to getting married, I would have rented out the Keswick Hall Hotel and gotten married there. (You can still get married there without renting out the whole thing, I’m pretty sure). Very close to both Keswick Vineyards and Castle Hill Cider.
You might also try the Barboursville Vineyards. They have a bunch of “cottages” on the property that you can rent, but I’m not sure about any indoor ballrooms or anything.
I think the Barboursville Vineyard is the one to which I was referring above
Charlottesville (holla at my hood) has a lot of places that could work for you. Keswick’s one, but also Farmington and Boar’s Head Country Clubs. Clifton Inn. Prospect Hill Plantation Inn. Inn at Willow Grove (in Orange, not Cville). I seem to remember hearing that Ash Lawn does events. I know Montpelier (also in Orange) does.
If you’ll consider wineries, Barboursville does events, as does King Family Vineyards, Pippin Hill (it’s newer) and Veritas. I can probably come up with more options if you like! Always glad to rep Central VA.
I will just plug Veritas as being my favorite Virginia wine :) But all the places a. mentioned are awesome and gorgeous. It just kind of depends on your particular aesthetic/vibe.
I went to a friend’s wedding at Veritas and would also recommend it highly.
The Clifton Inn is charming (and great house-made lemonade! and great cookie plates!), but rooms are expensive (if that’s a concern). Brother East had his reception at Keswick and it was a great venue, but I don’t know if they have lodging.
They do! Probably a lot more rooms than the Clifton Inn has.
first of all, two or three years? planning ahead a bit?
what part of Virginia? if you are looking at Northern Virginia, I have been to events at Airlie House http://www.airlie.com/events/index.htm and it is a lovely site and has lots of rooms for guests, a variety of large rooms, and lovely grounds.
I am not sure I am remembering the name right but my spouse went to a wedding out in Loudon County at a plantation house-type site. It was either Sunset Manor or something like that.
Landsdowne Resort is not quite a plantation house but the clubhouse is pretty and would have a wide variety of amenities.
Actually you’d be surprised how many venues are booked 12 months out. My sister got engaged in May and wanted an October wedding in DC or Virginia and it was brutal to find a place. Everywhere we called was super snotty and told us they’d been booked for 12-18 months. (It did end up working out fine but mainly because they chose a very nontraditional venue). For my own wedding at traditional venue in Virginia, I got the last October date they had available and I called 13 months in advance. Something like a plantation or a vineyard just wasn’t going to happen in that time frame.
My husband and I booked our wedding venue about 17 months in advance, and we didn’t have our pick of dates.
Is this a south asian wedding, by any chance? I don’t know any venues in Virginia, but DH and I initially looked for something along those lines in Maryland and found nothing. The things we found that were similar (historic estates w/ enough room for indoor reception and rooms) had a few dealbreaker problems: 1) capacity (it was hard to find something that could fit more than 200-250 inside); (2) catering/decor restrictions for historic spaces; and (3) expense- for our wedding of 350, what you are envisioning would have run well into the six figures. If you have the budget for this kind of event, I would hire a wedding planner. I know an excellent one in the DC area, if you’re interested.
It is actually a south asian wedding. I don’t think it will be quite as big as yours, but that depends on my parents–I think I would be ok with something that fits 200-250. Please email me at VaWedding125 at gmail dot com if you have any more information or suggestions.
Warner Hall in Gloucester (outside of Williamsburg) is amazing. It is beatuiful, on the water, and has beautiful guest rooms. The food was outstanding. Teresa, the owner, and her husband are excellent and made our wedding there perfect.
Not quite a plantation, but the Wintergreen resort in south-central Virginia has tons of indoor space and you can definitely stay multiple nights. There are also a lot of wineries nearby for other events. The downside is that it’s sort of in the middle of nowhere – my cellphone didn’t get services in a lot of places around there.
Total shout out for Wintergreen – it’s lovely! And I think it’s a great bonus that you can’t get cellphone service on certain places in the mountain. (That said, the entire mountain resort has free Wi-Fi. And there are rumors that a cell tower is coming, but those rumors have been going on for years.) Another bonus of Wintergreen is that while it’s not an antebellum home, it has a fabulous spa.
These are really helpful suggestions! Do you really think it will run into the six figures? I was aiming for $50,000. Anyway, just started looking into this, so this is all really great.
Cute! It looks plenty long for 5’9′ me. Can anyone confirm?
I am 5’8″ and it’s long enough for me, but just barely.
By that I mean, about an inch above the knee, but I like wearing stuff exactly at the knee or just a tiny bit above.
I’m 5-8 and it hit me about 2 inches higher than it is hitting the model. But YMMV.
Cute dress. I just purchased three casual dresses from Target and already know I’ll live in them this summer.
TJ: Has anyone here has surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome and/or cubital tunnel syndrome? I’m sick of the pain/hassle but worry about having surgery. I’m a writer, avid cook, and parent to two small kids. CTS interferes with all of these things, but if I get surgery, is it just going to come back a few years later? I’m 34 and have been dealing with this for about ten years. Would love to hear anyone’s experience w/r/t surgery or treatment. (Already do the exercises and wear a brace. Physical therapy is basically out of the questions due to child care issues.)
Thanks in advance!
What dresses did you get? I have an order coming and hope I like everything when it arrives. I bought the Merona value cap sleeve dress (I’ve seen people here say good things about it), the Merona ponte cross-front dress, and a Mossimo maxi t-shirt dress.
I got the Merona Womens Printed Cowl Neck Dress with Front Tie (my favorite); the Merona Womens Flutter Sleeve Value Dress in black (currently on sale for $15); and the Merona Women’s Easy Care Easy Wear Twist Shoulder Dress – Black/White. They are really comfortable and surprising flattering. I’m 5’2″, 125 lb, straightish shape (banapple?). I bought smalls in everything. I could see these dresses flattering a variety of figures.
Have you tried prescription anti-inflammatories? I thought I would have to have the surgery, but a brilliant doctor put me on a month or so of Mobic-something, which I gather was an anti-inflammatory medication, and the carpal tunnel miraculously went away. Now I just try to be proactive with taking breaks, using my mouse with both hands, etc., so it won’t come back. I don’t even know where I put my wrist braces, I haven’t used them in so long.
I didn’t know about prescription anti-inflammatories! I’ll call my doc today for an appointment; this seems worth checking out. Thank you.
My SO had the surgery and it’s worked well for him. His was so bad they thought it might have been too late for the surgery. He’s a quick healer but he felt better immediately and didn’t require any physical therapy. It went so well that he thought about doing the other wrist immediately afterward. He has had no return of the pain.
I did not have the recommended surgery for my wrist problems, but I know of a few successful cases, and a few unsuccessful cases, and the difference was the adherence to the physical therapy, so if you’re not able to stick to a therapy schedule pre-surgery, it’s very possible that it’s not going to be a very successful treatment for you.
The person with the most success had nearly daily PT post surgery, including things like paraffin dips to prevent the development of scarring around the incision. It was a truly amazing recovery, and it made me consider going through with it, since she had the same orthopedist as me, but my job wouldn’t allow me the time to devote to the PT.
Have you been checked out by a really good PT? I’m asking b/c I thought I had CTS, but my PT ended up being pretty sure it was thorassic outlet syndrome. She said that wrist pain from computer use is actually much more likely to be TOS than CTS…which is typically more common for ppl like luggage handlers.
TOS is due to poor posture (usually forced by a poor ergonomic setup) that leads to pinching of the nerves that run from your neck to your arm. I was effectively unable to use my hands, but with PT and an ergo set up my pain is almost gone. For the most part PT involved improving posture and strgthening my back which had become extremely weak due to a decade of slumping in front of a computer. I would huhgly reccommend looking into this if you haven’t yet. I know the pain is bad, but th surgery does also have a chance of causing nreve damage. At 34, you’re way too young to risk that. Actually, a really good surgeon talked my mom out of the surgery b/c he thiught the risk was too high not to first try some PT and a steroid shot.
I know you say PT is not something that’ll fit your schedule, but to be honest I felt like I could have done most of it on my own (and I do maintain on my own) after one or two sessions showing me what to do. If you think you have the discipline, this could be a solution. And as PP have noted, I would not get any kind of joint surgery without budgeting in time for PT anyway.
Second this; look for someone who’s a Certified Hand Therapist.
This is food for thought. I was diagnosed after a series of tests by an orthopedic specialist who’s team doc for many Chicago sports teams. Since he’s an expert, and his office was very fancy (ha ha), I’ve never questioned his diagnosis. But perhaps it’s worth a second opinion.
You mentioned child care as in issue for PT. If your issue is someone to watch the kids during PT, I know several PTs in my area work out of gyms and those gyms have childcare. Is there any chance you could just bring the kids to PT and have them sit near you and read a book/play with a toy/nap in a carrier while you do your PT?
If the issue is you can’t leave work for PT b/c then you can’t leave in time to get the kids from childcare, could you try to arrange flex time so you work from home after they go to bed to make up the hours?
I had horrible carpel tunnel but went for a second opinion with an osteopath prior to committing to surgery, which a hand surgeon said was the only course. The osteopath sent me for accupunture and massage (deep tissue and with trigger point therapy). I got relief within 3 months. I now get a massage every 4 weeks or so. It sounds decadent but it is much safer than surgery and amazing stress relief to boot. Being pain free without medication or PT feels great.
Hi Ladies,
I’m a longtime lurker, but first-time poster. I have a slightly awkward etiquette question. I’m going to be attending grad school in the fall (which happens to be at an Ivy League school). However, when I tell new acquaintances where I’m going, they say, “Wow! Congrats! Isn’t [school name] really expensive? How will you afford it?” This has happened to me multiple times, and I never know how to respond. It’s such a personal question, and I become so embarrassed that I usually shrug and mumble “I don’t know…” Sometimes I try to change the subject, but they always bring it back to the cost of the school. I know I don’t seem well-off, but isn’t it strange/rude to inquire about someone’s personal finances when you barely know them?
The real answer is that I was lucky enough to be accepted to my first choice college as an undergrad with a hefty scholarship and what amounts to a blank check for the graduate school of my choice. However, I only share this information with select close friends and family as it’s something I hate to discuss given the current student loan climate. I want to be proud of my accomplishments (and my luck and hard work back when I was in high school), but I just end up feeling guilty and slightly defensive when people go on and on about how expensive grad school is. What is a polite, socially-acceptable response to these questions?
That is a strange/rude question , especially if they don’t drop it – Maybe you can say something like, “I guess I will figure that out as I go along” and then change the subject. Or you can be direct and say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about my specific costs, but if you are curious or considering attending, they have a [website, FAQ, admissions office] that can discuss various financing options/scholarships with you based on your personal situation. I found them to be helpful.”
And, Good Luck!
This. Don’t let rude people get you down.
Agree. I got a random but hefty scholarship in college. It was one of those very particular ones, like for a sophomore psychology major with red hair from the midwest. Many private schools have dozens of these. A lot of them are memorial funds from students who died.
If people ask how I afforded it, I say that private schools have a significant amount of financial aid available if you ask. Which is true. (I also make sure younger cousins in my family know this, so they aim high.)
“thanks for your concern. I have made some arrangements to be able to afford the cost.”
How about: “Yes, it is an expensive school, but fortunately some scholarship money will help defray the costs.” I think that’s a nice way to spin it without coming off as braggy. And it’s not like you’re volunteering this information off the bat. It’s in response to a question you’re asked.
“Stripping. A girl’s gotta pay the bills somehow! Besides, I have a heart of gold…”
Oh, you meant a real answer? I guess you could just go with a “I’ve run my budget, and the numbers will work. Anyway, I’m so excited about XYZ classes that I feel like I could talk all day and completely monopolize the conversation if I’m not careful! So how is [insert question about them]?
I like this answer. Don’t sound like you have no clue, just say that you have a plan and have made sure that you have resources in place.
Ugh – that is rude. I’d probably deflect with a “I’ve got it covered” and then move on to what you are excited about in the grad program. It’s nobody’s business how you are finacing.
This!! “I’ve got it covered, thanks.”
Third this. “I’ve got it covered, thanks!” Or “Don’t worry, I’m on it.”
Honestly, I would just say “oh I’m lucky enough to have a scholarship”. You don’t have to give any more details than that, when it’s from or how much it’s for. I think as long as you don’t say anything about the scholarship (or it’s level of prestige, for example) it’s not really being pretentious…it’s such being honest.
If you don’t want to identify as having a scholarship (I don’t know why you wouldn’t…in this student loan climate, I would see scholarship winners are smarter than ever and not in a bad way!) I would say something like “oh I’m working out the funding options” and then if they want to commiserate about student loans or part-time jobs or whatever, you can say something polite. Obviously I don’t know what kind of grad school you’re going to…but my understanding is that with grad school, it’s usually fully-funded, so you won’t be unusual.
This isn’t the case for professional programs like law, business, or physical/occupational therapy. Those students usually pay out of pocket. If you’re in the hard sciences getting a PhD, that’s usually funded through a TA position. This is also the case for some humanities programs.
What about saying something like “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered” or “Yes, it’s expensive, but I’ve got it figured out.” Then, if they are extra rude and push the issue even more, I’d say something like “Sorry, but I don’t discuss my personal finances” or, if you’re braver than me “Sorry, but how is that your business?” or “Do you realize that’s a very rude/personal question?”
What’s wrong with saying something like, “Luckily I am attending as part of a scholarship program. It’s really great, and I feel very fortunate.” I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying you’ve gotten a scholarship to attend, so long as it’s said matter of factly.
I also think a canned response suggested by another commenter of, “I’m just figuring it out as I go along” is good, and then try to change the subject, but if you are pressed/feel like you need to give a definite answer, simply saying what’s true without much embelishment (that you’ve gotten a scholarship to attend) doesn’t seem particularly offensive to me.
You’re right, people shouldn’t be prodding about these things, but I guess these days it’s hard not to, considering what a huge social issue it is for school-bound/want-to-be school bound people of our age demographic these days. People are probably just asking to commiserate/take part in the collective experience of complaining about how hard it can be to finance school.
Agreed – I think (if you’re comfortable with it) to say that you’ve got a scholarship. But I wouldn’t be all like, “OMG. I got a FULL scholarship! I don’t have to pay a dime! No massive grad school loans for me!!”. I would say something like, “Yeah, it’s expensive – but I got a scholarship which will help with the costs. I feel pretty fortunate.” There’s no reason to pretend you’re not proud of the hard work that got you that scholarship, but as long as you don’t come off as bragging I can’t see why any reasonable person would be put-off.
I agree that there’s nothing wrong with saying you have the scholarship, although you definitely don’t have to share that.
I’d try to change the subject quickly, maybe something like, “That’s true…I guess drinks will be on you for the next X years! So how was your weekend/date/etc.?”
First of all, congrats on getting into your first choice! However, that is pretty rude of them. I am attending a private grad school in the fall and though I haven’t been asked how I am going to pay for it, I have gotten reactions like “Wow that’s a pretty pricey school.” Depending on the person I either share that I got a scholarship or just say “yeah, it is” and leave it at that. School in general is expensive and it is mostly assumed that students are going to use loans to cover some (if not all) the costs. Just answer in a way that makes you feel comfortable and don’t worry about them worrying about how you’re going to afford it.
I’m generally not squeamish about talking about money, so take this for what you will, but I don’t see anything wrong with saying, “Oh, I got a scholarship” in response to those questions (assuming that’s true – I’m not entirely clear from your post). Or, frankly, even if it’s not true. It’s nobody’s business how you’re planning to pay for grad school unless you choose to tell them. And when they say, “oh, wow, you must have done really well in college” just nod and say yes.
What about just a simple, “I got a scholarship.” It is a rude question, but since the answer in this case is pretty harmless, I’d just spit it out and not bother trying to dodge the rude question.
Agree. Could also be combine with the suggestion made by phillygirlruns, if you want to make a subtle point about the rudeness: “I got a scholarship. Why do you ask?”
But their response might be “Oh I’m thinking of going to grad school in the next few yeas but the cost is overwhelming so I’m always curious how other people manage.” In which case, it’s not really that rude but asking why would make the point that it’s an unusual and personal thing to ask.
I think it’s better on the whole to be honest about these things because otherwise people think “all these successful, smart people are taking out massive loans so it must be a smart thing to do” instead of “yeah X went to this grad school and was successful, but she didn’t have to pay for it so it might not work out as well for me since I have to take out loans.”
Completely agreed
Agree! Don’t be shy about advertising your accomplishments, and a scholarship to an MA program is a huge one. To underline the nosiness of the question I might also say “it’s sweet of you to be worried about my finances”.
If I was in your situation and someone asked me how I would be able to afford grad school would just say, “Loans.” That is probably the most common answer and will keep further questions at bay. If it were a close friend or family member that didn’t know the situation I may elaborate a little by saying you received some scholarships to help cover the cost.
I have that problem also (I’m in law school). My reply is something like “I’ve always wanted to go to law school so I’ve been planning for the cost for years.”
It’s simple, but I’ve found it usually works. If they don’t move on, try something like “oh, hearing about how I pay for school will be boring for you” and then ask them a question to change the subject.
this is the type of rude question that just begs for a “why?” response. “how are you going to afford it?” “why do you ask?” “………..”
I get this a lot, and I know that my answer “Loans. Lots and lots of loans” is more socially acceptable. I have a friend who is attending medical school 100% funded by her trust fund. She says when people complain about loans she nods or makes noncommittal noises, but changes the subject as quickly as possible.
I think you should get used to the conversation as I don’t think it will go away – I have heard from multiple people not taking out loans that loans are just about as common as the weather in terms of topics of conversation at expensive schools. On the one hand, I think it’s fine to say “I got a scholarship,” and it comes off much better than saying “I have a trust fund.” On the other hand, some people, especially at the school, may resent you. I support the advice above about just telling coworkers/friends now you have it covered, and leaving it at that, and just being vague with other students at school.
ugh. i was able to attend a well regarded undergrad on a full scholarship and generally worked full-time during undergrad and saved up. i then got an amazing scholarship to law school which covered my first year of studies and used my savings (and continued to work during law school) to finance the rest, so i have no loans and it creates very awkward situations with people i barely know. i deflect these entirely, but i guess i prefer to be non-confrontational.
in a similar realm of awkwardness, i work with someone who will soon be attending grad school and she has taken it upon herself to interview all of the youngish lawyers at the firm about how they financed their studies so she can make informed choices about loans. this is so absolutely inappropriate, and when i did my typical deflecting she wouldn’t take it and kept pushing. it was not pretty.
Gaah, the rudeness. Others have already addressed that, I have nothing to add on this matter.
But the ignorance is galling! Do they not know that many East Bumblef&ck Grad Schools in Totally Nowhere cost easily as much, if not more, and with fewer scholarships?
Just adding my two cents here — I certainly think you should be proud of your scholarship, and not be ashamed to share that fact with people when asked. I also had my college and graduate school costs covered entirely by scholarships, so I do understand that it can feel a little awkward. But, when someone flat-out asks you (which is a rude question), I think there’s nothing wrong with politely stating that you’re lucky to have received a scholarship that will help with the costs. As for whether this will continue to be a topic in the future, remember that as some of the other posters have noted, it’s not unusual for graduate programs to come with stipends/full tuition (especially if you are in a doctoral program). So, it may be less of an issue than you think. On the bright side, if you’re heading to NYC (as your handle suggests), you can likely commiserate about other expenses (e.g., rent), even if you can’t share in the complaining about loans! :)
I hate that misconception about the Ivy League. “You went to X? You must be rich.” Ivy-Leagues have a blind admission process and financial aid is need-based.
I’m actually reading a great book about athletic recruiting in the Ivy League and the standards that athletes have to achieve in order to even be considered.
Have you heard about the whole hullabaloo about Diddy’s son being offered an athletic scholarship? Apparently, he’s been heavily recruited by several schools, he has good grades from a good prep school and is very talented athletically. But some people don’t think he deserves the athletic scholarship because his father can afford to pay for any college.
I just heard about that this morning, and was annoyed by it. If the kid deserves an athletic scholarship, he should be offered one! Ability to pay shouldn’t play a part in that decision. Obviously he shouldn’t get a need-based scholarship.
merit-blind need-based aid is just an undergraduate thing, as I understand.
Nah, my business school does not give merit aid, just need based.
Same with Stanford law (at least when I was there).
Just curious which book are you reading? Friend of mine wrote few of those:) By HCA by any chance?
I think what most people really mean by this is “Are mommy and daddy paying (= I’m going to look down on you because clearly you only got into [good school] because you’re “rich” and not on your own merits) or are you taking out massive amounts of debt (= I’m going to look down on you because you’re going into debt you can’t afford and will struggle with the rest of your life)?” Saying you got a scholarship avoids this issue. Considering how rude the question is, though, I think it’s pretty hard to be the more impolite party in that conversation regardless of what you say.
I don’t know. I think it’s rude when the person is fishing for what you identified- trying to judge your social class/background- or is just plain nosy. But in the situation anonny (above) identified, with a person who is going to grad school and wants to interview all the young associates re financing their education, it’s pretty clearly not motivated by the same thing. In that case, I don’t think it’s rude to ask or to answer honestly.
I suppose it depends on how they ask; they could be fishing. But maybe they are just curious. It’s not like they’re asking you for the details of your bank statement. Sometimes one hears about scholarships and things through word of mouth.
I have an alternative perspective on this. I went to a top UK school (think Cambridge/Oxford) on a full undergraduate scholarship. While I was proud of my achievements, I felt that telling people I won this scholarship made me different, and not in a good way at times – because it made it even more apparent that I did not come from as well-off a background as my peers. For this reason, in graduate school I’ve stuck to saying that I’m financing things through loans, which most people could relate to.
On the flip side, I went to grad school there financed through loans and I felt like the odd one out. Everybody would always ask me if I got a Rhodes/etc. and I would have to tell them, no, I’m just a normal person here paying my own way… I always felt after that that people thought less of my accomplishment because I just got in the regular way. An interesting flip side to this situation.
Hey–OP here. Wow, thanks so much for everyone’s helpful comments and suggestions! I’m definitely using these responses and tailoring them to the situation/how well I know the person. Just wanted to clarify: I’m getting an MA, and I’ve heard there often isn’t a lot of funding for those degrees (versus a doctoral degree), so it probably makes people more curious. Honestly, the whole process is very new to me–I’m the first in my family to attend college and grad school, so I’m still trying to find my footing. Thanks again for all your help!
Are you going to Columbia? If so (or regardless), enjoy! I go to Columbia for a masters degree, and I love living in NYC.
(If I’m totally out of it and your user name has nothing to do with the grad school, disregard!)
I am going to Columbia! If you don’t mind my asking, what program?
I’m in the urban planning program.
Congrats! That’s excellent.
A good friend of mine did a Masters at Teacher’s College. (She’s an HR professional at a big multinational bank.) I went to the business school. If you’re living near campus, that area is loads of fun! I miss that neighborhood!
“Bootstraps!”
“Hard work!”
And I’ve said it before, but one of my go-to replies is “Nunya. Nunya d@mn business.”
j/k, I’m with Anon. Stripping wins.
If you don’t feel comfortable saying you got a scholarship, I would just say, “yes, it is expensive, but I have it covered and getting a top of the line education is worth it for me.” People often underestimate the value of the network you receive from a good institution–it’s often (though, of course, not always) very valuable to have paid a bit more for a really marketable name brand education. It’s sad but true that an ivy on your resume can help get your foot in the door to opportunities you might not otherwise have (that has been my own experience).
I have this dress in the green and love it. I sized up because I was worried about the bust measurements. The bust fit perfectly but it was big through the body, so I had the waist and skirt tapered. I also had the neckline taken up about an inch because it slouched a little.
Unrelated threadjack (if you’re squeamish about blood, skip this!):
Does anyone have any experience with serious wounds on their hands? Wednesday morning I stupidly used my pocket knife to cut something, and wound up taking a chunk out of my left index finger (maybe 3/8 by 1/4 inch). I went through an entire box and then 3 rolls of gauze before I went to urgent care. They couldn’t do stitches because I had cut off so much skin, and when I followed up with a hand specialist yesterday, he said that I should leave it dry, immobilized, and in the same bandage until I go back to see him Monday.
This is strange because my experience with cuts is that I should keep them moist and try to keep full range of motion as the scar tissue is healing. I don’t want to go against the doctor’s advice, but can anyone chime in here? I type a lot and play the mandolin, so I’d really love for this to heal well, with full range of motion, and hopefully with a fingerprint on that finger!
PS In case anyone’s worried, I did get a TDAP, so no tetanus for me!
I think for serious cuts you want to keep them dry. I suspect the big concerns are drying up/healing beginning + avoiding infection. But you should call the doctor again to confirm.
Does your insurance company have a nurse line you can call? I’ve had good experiences using that service.
I sliced the tip off my left index finger 7 years ago (stupidly tried to unzip a travel cosmetic bag in the dark and didn’t realize i was pulled on a razor and not the zipper). I didn’t go to urgent care until about 12 hours later (when I realized how bad it was) and they gave me the same advice. Dry. Don’t move. Come back and re-check. I have a very visible scar still, but full range of motion on my finger. Not sure if my fingerprint is the same – never actually thought about that. But if you’re really concerned, call your regular doctor’s office – the PA or nurse should be to give you general advice to confirm/change the specialist’s recommendation.
I actually have a nice scar on my fingerprint due to my brother fainting at the sight of blood (we were kids, he got a new pocket knife and in playing with it cut off part of his fingertip, don’t worry, it healed, but he fainted, leaving the pocket knife open on the chair where he’d been sitting, due to the consternation about him fainting nobody saw the knife until I cut myself too. I didn’t faint)
I never even noticed that it scarred but when I got fingerprinted for my new job it showed up in my fingerprint! I thought it was cool.
Also, to add on to yesterday (the day before?) yes, yes I do get injured in the most random ways ever.
If it’s a deep wound, I imagine keeping it dry short-term is to keep anaerobic bacteria from infecting it.
I have a personal situation that I am not sure if or how I should address in my applications to business school.
I struggled through college and ended up graduating with decent grades. Despite this I ended up landing a position with a Fortune 100 company and have been promoted quickly, and even recognized by my managers as well as one of the C-suite execs for my outstanding performance.
Recently I was diagnosed with ADD and depression/anxiety, which explains the disconnect between my academic and professional track record. My doctor has confirmed through testing that my lackluster performance in school is not due to my cognitive abilities and is a direct result of my symptoms. Since receiving my diagnosis, I have been working with professionals to manage my symptoms with much success.
I am not sure if this information should be disclosed in my application. Frankly, I am concerned that the adcom will not take my diagnosis seriously as “ADD” has sort of become a buzz word lately. I also feel a tiny bit of embarrassment about revealing my personal struggle with depression. What is the best way to address this situation?
There is NO WAY I would mention that in a b-school application. Are you concerned that b-schools will discount your application for your college grades? I would focus on writing a stellar essay/personal statement/whatever it is they call it these days that focuses instead on how you have succeeded in the workplace – it sounds to me like you were able to be successful before your diagnosis, so what else was it that helped you succeed? Mentors? Leadership? A knack for learning quickly? I would focus more on what you love about your current workplace and how that journey has led you to apply for b-school. Say something vague about how you’ve learned to work to your strengths while addressing your weaknesses. This is just my opinion, YMMV.
Good luck! And congrats to you for succeeding despite those two very awful A’s – ADD and anxiety – been there and done that. :-)
So this is just my personal opinion, I don’t work at a business school or anything. But I wouldn’t disclose either. If they ask you about your grades in an interview, then I would disclose the ADD diagnosis I think, and talk about how you are handling it. I just don’t think this is the type of stuff you disclose. Everything has something going on you know? And you got decent grades so you were still successful. I think you disclose when your transcript is all good grades, and then all of a sudden you have a terrible semester because of a death in the family. To be honest, because you have been so successful, I would kind of think it was weird for you to disclose it.
In general though, kudos both on your job success, and for taking the right steps for your mental healthy.
Thanks for your insight! I am feeling a little insecure about my applications because I am looking at very competitive programs and I have a lot of regrets about my undergrad years and really wish I took care of this issue sooner. Heck, my mother still believes that ADD is a made up diagnosis!
I did have 1 semester that was particularly bad – in that instance would it be appropriate to mention the situation?
Again this is my opinion, but no I wouldnt mention it unless I was asked about it. It’s not that I think ADD is made up but really, you don’t know if you would have done better. You def might of. But it just seems a little like you are trying to rewrite the past you know? Cuz maybe the ADD medication wouldn’t have worked, or made your depression worse. I totally understand having regrets about undergrad, I have some myself, but I just dont think it helps at all. I dont think anyone would read it and be like oh ok! So she would have done great let’s consider her as if she did do great. I think they will think uh oh, add, anxiety, and depression. And this is her first impression. I just can’t help thinking it sounds like excuses. (Even though they are totally valid excuses.) But sure you wish you took care of it sooner. Other people wish they had partied less, didn’t date that guy, took it more seriously, etc. You know? It sounds like you have been really successful in the workplace, so I would really focus on that
Thanks – this is exactly what I was concerned about. I realize it sounds like an excuse. I feel like the whole, “I have ADD” thing has been so used and abused that it will sound like I am just trying to BS my way out of my situation.
Fooey!
I do think that the academic picture I present is not accurate though – would it be better to take some classes and earn a few A’s to show this?
Anon —
Yes! Definitely. Proving your ability in an academic sense will give them a ton of confidence that you have turned things around.
Mentioning this will hurt you much more than it could help you. I agree that you should focus on your success in the workplace and your future goals.
I wouldn’t disclose any specifics, but if you think your GPA is low and may be detrimental to your application, it’s fine to say something like “In college, I suffered from an ongoing, undiagnosed illness that affected my academic success. I have since been diagnosed and am undergoing treatment, which has enabled me to become a top performer at work.”
Agree. If we are talking about a GPA that is seriously out of whack with your capabilities and post-undergrad success, a brief mention on the application may be worthwhile. This might especially be the case if you do well on standardized tests because high test scores plus a low GPA could create the impression that you are lazy if you don’t explain the discrepancy.
I would go even more vague than that. “In college, I dealt with a personal matter which affected my academic success. That personal matter has been resolved, and I’m now a top performer at work.” They can assume it was your illness, or maybe your mother had cancer, or maybe there was a death in the family, or you became a primary caregiver for a member of your family….something happened.
I think illness is better than personal issue, although that’s just my opinion. Personal issue can sound like you may be flaky. Illness is clearly something that was not your fault, and also, something they can’t legally ask you about in an interview.
Not to stereotype, but I don’t think it is terribly unusual for MBA program applicants to have had less than stellar grades as undergrads! It sounds like your career has been pretty stellar so far, and from what I understand MBA programs tend to weigh that more heavily than prior grades. I’m not sure how you define decent grades, but if your GPA was less than a 3.0 and there is an opportunity to do so in the application, you might want to talk about what you’ve learned in your work experience that will help you succeed academically.
I am attending a business school in a fall some time in the future (I keep deferring my admission!) and my advice is:
1) Business schools care very little about your undergrad grades, especially compared to other graduate programs. You say you graduated with “decent grades” which makes me think you didn’t graduate with a 1.5. If your grades were decent, they won’t care that much if you didn’t get a 4.0, especially if you have a good GMAT score. An excellent GMAT score will do lightyears more to improve their confidence in your academic ability than an explanatory essay.
2) That being said, if your grades are low enough that they warrant an explanation (ie, at or below the 25th percentile for accepted students), it is fine to mention that you had ADD/anxiety which is now treated. However, unless you can show that you have improved in an academic setting, your revelation of your diagnosis, treatment, etc, will be meaningless. I am assuming you did not have a strong upward trend but rather mediocre grades through school, since you say you were only recently diagnosed. As such, I’d suggest taking several “business” related courses (accounting, economics, finance, etc) and get excellent grades, as proof that with your diagnosis and treatment plan in hand, you are now read to master an academic setting again.
For what it’s worth – my first semester of undergrad, I had a 2.6 (I graduated with a 3.7). I explained the extenuating circumstances in one sentence in an essay (an essay related to my overall academic experience), and it wasn’t an issue for me.
I am applying for judicial clerkships in another state, and a lawyer in my current internship has given me a connection in the new state to assist in my search. This connection asked me to send him a cover letter that he could pass on to judges he knows. The problem is, this letter will possibly be sent to state appellate judges and federal district court judges directly from him. How should I address it, both in the address portion of the cover letter and the Dear so and so part??? I am really at a loss here!
Generally the address portion of the cover letter has the individual’s name and address. in the instance of a judge it would be: The Honorable Qwerty Qwert, Courthouse name, Court house address. I think you may need to ask your contact for the names of the judges to get the information right. Plus, it looks more personal and tailored that way. Your career center should be able to help with tracking down chambers’ details once you know who the judges are, they probably maintain a list.
As for the Dear section, you can probably get away with “Dear Your Honor”, but unless you also have a tailored address section at the top, it probably won’t look too good and may get disregarded as being a mass mailing.
This is how I would handle it. I also think you should include your resume.
I would be wary of sending a generic cover letter for clerkships. Can you ask the connection for the list of judges he is planning to contact on your behalf, so you can address them properly and do a little research? Another way to do it would be for you to decide what judges you are interested in applying to, and then send the connection your list and see where he might be able to help you and if he has any additional suggestions.
I thought about just sending him my resume, and letting him know that I didn’t feel comfortable sending a generic cover letter. I think this may be the way to go, since I’m not sure who he knows. I have done extensive reseach into the judges in the state that I would like to apply to, but since he is doing this as a favor for me, a student he barely knows, I don’t feel comfortable sending him five separate letters and asking him to keep track of them all.
Thanks for your thoughts!
i wonder if he’s going to email the resumes/cover letter to his contacts on your behalf. If that’s the case, maybe you can write him a pretty formal email cover note which expresses your interest and then he can pass that along as appropriate? I would be hesitant to not include a cover letter and a generic cover letter just doesn’t work for this.
While I’m not positive, it’s likely that he would e-mail them. Maybe I should write a formal e-mail cover letter addressed to the connection as JT suggests, and then attach my resume?
All good ideas for this odd situation.
yep he can just click forward — it sounds the most reasonable to me.
Someone else might have better suggestions, but in the kind of situation where you can’t tailor your letter to each specific judge, I’d suggest addressing your letter to the connection you are dealing with, thank him for his assistance in your search for a clerkship in that state, then add paragraphs about your interest and qualifications for a clerkship. Then he can go to the judge and show the letter you’ve sent him.
this is kind of what i had in mind with my email cover suggestion above.
I really like this idea – wish I’d thought of it.
Agreed. I’d address the letter to Dear Mr. Connection. Express appreciation for him passing it on, and outline your experience and interests. Attach your resume.
Do any of you have some kind of mission statement or over-arching theme for your work wardrobe?
I was thinking about this in relation to yesterday’s ruffle-y jacket, which I would never wear because my goal with my work wardrobe is to look “scary”. What I really mean by this is looking grown-up, put-together, sleek, and serious – like someone others would find intimidating. I think this works for me because my physical look is so opposite: a figure that could be fairly described as roly-poly, hair that tends toward frizz, a baby-ish face, and petite stature. Also, I have bad feet and can’t wear pointy toes or really high heels. So my “scary” look ends up with me straightening my hair, using eyebrow pencil and lipstick, trying to maintain a manicure, trying to wear some type of heel most of the time, and avoiding prints, ruffles, and anything flowy, drapey or cute. When I’m thinking about buying or wearing something to work, I ask myself, “Is this scary?” It may be weird, but I think it’s really helping me define my look. Does anyone do something similar?
I’ve been going through this sort of recently. I moved into a job that is completely different from my previous job, and therefore a lot of the things I was wearing before don’t work here. I think my general style is kind of classic with a quirky side. I’m not twee at all, but I like prints and have been trying for more bold colors. I work in a bus casual environment, so I can be a little more adventurous. Generally my outfits have themes.
I wouldn’t call your outfits “scary” but “fierce,” because that is what it sounds like!
I really like this idea, and I know what you mean.
When I’m not lawyerin’, I’m living on a cattle farm with my husband. For a long time I fought my wardrobe, because I am so much happier in jeans and a button-down shirt, and I kept trying to be as casual as I could get away with in my firm. It never worked. Finally, about two years ago, I resolved to have scary lawyer clothes and friendly farmer clothes in two separate closets, never to meet. I do my best to find the most serious, professional clothes out there.
Oh, life is so much better. And I’m so much better dressed.
How did you do it??? I feel miserable in lawyer clothes. So glad it’s Friday and I can wear skinny jeans and Frye motorcycle boots. Sad that I’m at my most confident and productive only once a week.
I actually really like having the work/other life division in my wardrobe. When I come home at the end of the day I go straight in to change into weekend clothes, and it’s one more little thing that encourages me to be really at home and not thinking about work.
Though I don’t think about it in such detail, i have a very specific layered style that probably is something like serious english quirk. I prefer:
– structured, woven clothing (no cardigans or jersey tops, but soft silk blouses are fine)
– textured fabrics (tweed, herringbone, plaid, textured linen)
– structured dresses with interesting details
– interesting patterns (whether its stripes or paisley)
– no black, my neutrals are navy, gray, and various browns
– my basic shoes and handbags and belts are some shade of taupe/elephant gray so they work with all my outfits (i don’t even own a pair of black pumps)
– my jewelry is small, delicate, and somewhat elegant, but a little quirky. yesterday i wore these earrings that i bought at whole foods: http://www.greatergoodwholesale.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=9895 mine are a black-based color combo, they are discrete and i’d wear them to very serious meetings.
I find that all this layers well together and helps me get dressed in the morning. it also bridges into my casual wear style (though not all the pieces are the same, the approach is the same so it’s easier on my mind)
I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years trying to describe my style, and it really helps me when deciding if I should add something to my wardrobe, for sure!
I describe my style as classic and tailored with a feminine twist. I like pencil skirts, cardis, and the occasional ruffle, bow or flounce. Because of my X shape, my main figure focus is my waist, so I don’t do loose and flowy on top very often. If I follow trends at all, its in a more classic or subtle way, something that I feel will last more than a season. I don’t have many prints in my wardrobe for this reason. It’s not that I rule out anything that doesn’t fit in these guidelines, but I consider carefully so it’s not an impulse buy that wastes my money, kwim?
I love that you descripe your look as scary! I can see how it would definitely define your look.
I think my style is unbashedly feminine, classic, and loosely vintage inspired with the ultimate goal of redefining the stereotype of what is “always” or “never” acceptable. Maybe I’ve been lucky in that I don’t work for a “white shoe” organization that mandates only black or navy for everybody, but I have worked for more “regular” business professional organizations where I really want to defy what is thought of as traditionally acceptable. It’s not to say I wear miniskirts and leopord print tube tops- what I mean is that I like to wear things that are unexpected and different, and yet perfectly acceptable at the same time. What is inherently wrong with an orange pencil skirt skirt? What is inherently wrong with ruffles on a blouse? There are so many things I feel that people these days just *insist* are always wrong or always right or that nobody ever looks good in, especially at work. I like to take those things and show that, yes, in fact, it is possible to wear a hot pink pencil skirt to work because it is made out of gorgeous fabric, is excellent quality, and is paired with other outfit pieces that demonstrate a whole outfit/person concept that is extremely coordinated and well put together.
I don’t like “rules.” I like what looks good. I buy things to fill voids in my wardrobe and not so much to follow rules. Maybe I get away with some of the more wild colors, embellishments, or different combinations because I’m rather formal in my demeanor, somewhat serious and reserved, and am very no nonsense when it comes to getting the job done. I think that’s why people don’t mind if I wear green shoes, cream trousers, and a turquoise silk blouse with a great multi-colored paisley scarf. That, and I feel I really try to put effort into buying high quality clothes or at the worst things that look more expensive than they are.
Maybe here is another way to explain it. I am a firm believer in the whole person/whole outfit concept. I feel there have been many instances where I have visually favored a less traditionally dressed person who was wearing an outfit of extremely high quality that looked like it was just impedably put together vs. a person who is “checking the boxes” so to speak in an ill-fitting, linty black polyester suit and granny pumps. I feel that (most) people in general share this intuation, and I like to play into that. You’re telling me that most people would judge a lady coming to an interview in an expensive black wool dress and classic tweed jacket, fitted to her impecabbly, with all the right trimmings in terms of polished shoes, a structured bag, and great classic jewelry? I guess there are those people out there who would judge such a person for not wearing a “suit,” but I believe that most people can see and sense that whole person concept and will see that in me with the way I dress. At least this is my goal.
Sure, I may run into a situation in life where I failed to wear that “traditional”, shapeless polyester suit and granny pumps and because of that, I didn’t get the job. But I probably would not want to work for such an organization anyway. I like to challenge people’s perceptions and be in a place where I make a person say (in many respects), “Wow, that person may not fit the most traditional mold, but it’s great, she’s great, and I never thought not being in the mold in such a way could be so great!”
I love this! You are striking a blow for individuality.
yep, i think all my outfits are borderline inappropriate if i were to describe them. but it’s about the package and how you carry it off. bravo!
This is a great way to describe it qwerty.
this. i often feel like i dont get all these “rules” (i.e., no peep toes, no sleeveless shirts, etc). I wear what I like, what I feel looks good, and i try my best to always be put together. I also take pride in the fact that my patterned tights or open-toes shoes might not meet the norm, becuase I carry myself well and am put together, i usually look better than others, and get compliments on my clothes (and work!) at lest weekly to prove it.
Agree agree agree. I don’t have a specific style word (maybe “subversively preppy?”), but the guiding principle behind my work wardrobe is looking professional, while still looking like myself. I will never be someone who is happy wearing a navy suit over a light blue button-down with pearl studs, pink fingernails, and unobstrusive pumps. That is not me. That will never, ever, ever be me.
So, like Kontraktor, I wear professional clothes, but maybe in an unusual color. Or my nails are bright. Or I’ll wear a big statement necklace. Or I’ll mix prints. Or some combination thereof. I have to feel like myself to be happy and productive. End of story.
Exactly. There is nothing *inherently* unprofessional about bright nails, print on print, colors, or any of the traditional “no no’s.” I think it really is about the whole person concept. I think most people have an intuition about what is appropriate and what is not. Black nails at work on some incredibly chic and well put together lady? Totally fine. Black nails on the intern wearing flip flops, a mini skirt, and a gaping F21 button down? Totally not fine. I hate to revert to the “you know it when you see it” point, but honestly I feel most of us would have a hard time judging a very well put together person as wholly unprofessional because of whatever thing we generally judge a no no.
I really love the clothes on the Good Wife and love how even though they are kind of at a white shoe law firm, the ladies are not dressed frumpily or conservatively at all. Even Alicia with her very buttoned up self often wears suits in different colors, carries a large Dior handbag, has non-traditional/more “fashiony” cuts to her suits, and my favorite, wears separates all the time in court. Diane is even better. There is often no “one way” and we can tell what is good vs. not by looking at it as a whole.
Kontractor, swear to God, today I am wearing The Skirt in “fever pink” with a ruffled Ikat print blouse and sky-high open-toed shoes with neon toenails. (And okay, a brown blazer over the whole megillah.)
And I promise you nobody is questioning my professionalism.
I would probably wear that. :-P
I’ve worn my hot pink skirt with bright turquoise, and I admit to showing up also in a bright (bright), 60’s style hot pink sheath to work as well. Got tons of compliments on it, and I don’t think they were the “OMG you are so awkwardy inappropriate so we are fake complimenting you to try to tell you how awkward you are” compliments either. My old work place was very judgey and people were vocal (to the wearer’s faces) about those wearing awful outfits, so I’m confident that dress passed muster (despite most people here probably never being caught dead at work in such a thing).
I keep track of such things, and in 2011 my fever pink Skirt was the most-worn work item in my closet!
And also? If you’re me, leopard is a neutral.
kontractor – couldn’t agree with you more. love this.
I love this idea. Now I want a theme!
Yes, but I’m your opposite – I try to look as feminine and colorful as possible while still dressing in a way that makes me recognizable as a lawyer. I have a similar build and face to yours, and curly hair. I just don’t think it hurts me at all to look girly at work, but obviously other workplaces may vary. I do look much younger than I am, but that works to my advantage in my particular area of law because it makes people trust me and think I’m naive (I’m not).
Your style sounds really pretty. I’m definitely not advocating my way for everyone, and I don’t think dressing differently would hurt me at work (laid-back govnt job), but I just like the way I feel when I dress this way. I can also see an advantage in luring people into thinking you are naive. In any case, to each her own!
I have a job where I frequently interview people and it is definitely much easier to lead them down the garden path if I remind them of their daughter or little sister. :)
Yes! I try to go for “put together” rather than scary.
I ask myself “if I wear this, would someone think I’m 15?” Cutesy things and full skirted silhouettes are death.
I’m extremely short and look very childish if I don’t go the extra step. This means wearing make-up, that I hem everything and normally have my hair up in a twist. Wearing heels and pencil skirt helps me feel like less of a kid. I like prints and bright colors so adding those to my work wardrobe makes me happy and keeps it from looking like I’m playing dress-up. (My office is business casual so wearing a full-on suit everyday would be weird.)
My goal is professional but not boring. I look for well-fitting structured pieces and always add something with individuality which could be color, pattern, or a statement necklace. For example, earlier this week I wore a stodgy charcoal gray pinstripe suit but livened it up by wearing a blouse with a bolder pattern.
Yes! Angie over at You Look Fab dubbed me “Business Bombshell” a while back, and it really resonated with me! When I was younger, I definitely wanted to look scary. Now I am going for something more like “I am in fact so freakin’ scary that I can afford to look colorful and fun and not scary.”
You know Angie???
I am a gigantic YLF fan and have also had the pleasure of spending time with her IRL. I heart Angie!
I’m not a friendly-looking person and I can look mannish too, so I try to dress more “approachable” and feminine. I also don’t like to stand out. So in my “flip-flop casual” firm, I try to dress down my beloved trousers with casual and feminine tops and funky jewelry. I pair pencil skirts with boots in winter, never pumps. I also always wear semi-slouchy bags and avoid button-down. I’m still overdressed most of the time, but it’s manageable.
i love the contrast of slouchy bages with tailored clothing
I like to think of my style as quirky-preppy. If that’s a thing.
For work, I dress conservative but fun. I love bright colors, but never wear low necklines, short skirts or really high heels. I like sleek, classic styles (no ruffles, florals or pastels). Prefer navy to black. No animal prints, but I love paisley or other similar prints with my pinstripe suits.
Are there any Corporettes in Iowa?
Me!
Yes ma’am!
Yep!
Sounds like a meet-up might be in order. I’m in Cedar Rapids, but get over to Des Moines a couple times a month.
Anyone ever had a punch biopsy of their lady parts? I have to have one next week and am not sure what to expect. I am having it over the lunch hour. Do I need to take the rest of the day off from work? Any other considerations?
I’ve had several. It’s uncomfortable, but not painful. Be prepared for a little spotting, but no need to take the day off work (unless you want to!)
This. It’s really not bad. Only take the rest of the day off if you want an excuse to take the rest of the day off.
Thanks, ladies. Your comments are very reassuring. I will come back to work as planned.
Thirded. I had one done over a lunch break and was back at work with minimal discomfort.
Also – OP, I’m sending internet hugs your way. Take care of yourself.
Yep, over lunch is fine. Keep advil nearby just in case, but I wouldn’t worry at all.
Ugh … seriously swollen feet. Seven months pregnant + onset of DC summer means that in the last week I think I’ve “outgrown” all of my shoes, and my feet were somewhat wide to begin with. What should I do to get me through the next two months? A few cheapo options from Payless so I don’t waste too much money? One expensive, supportive pair from Nordstroms because quality is worth it? I work in BigLaw, but people are relatively laid-back at my office, particularly (I hope) about a pregnant woman’s footwear. I take the Metro (subway) to work, so I do have a short walking commute.
I’d get some Toms or Toms-like shoes – I really like the Lands End Gatas shoes. If you get black ones and you’re visibly pregnant, they’ll look professional enough that no one will complain. Danskos may also be a good choice.
J – how do the Gatas hold up?
I was looking at getting a pair, but the reviews seemed to vary on whether they would be worth the price.
I have worn them almost every day for 6 weeks and walk about 2 miles a day. They aren’t showing any wear. I plan to order two more pairs.
They did require some breaking in because the canvas was a bit stiff. I wore them with socks for two days and after that they were fine to wear without socks.
I vote for a couple of cheap ones. Just go to a store, try on a bunch of sizes and widths and buy the pairs you need that fit comfortably and will keep your outfits together for now. You don’t need them to last forever, because they probably won’t fit you forever. And commute in your flip flops. Most of us do that in the summer in DC even when we are not pregnant. I’m dealing with swollen foot issues from surgery, so I can relate. Earlier this year I went to a Naturalizer outlet store and bought a few inexpensive pairs that ended up all being different sizes because that was just how they fit.
I’m with you Margaret! I’m at 6 months, in DC, and all my shoes are beginning to hurt. I think I’m going to go for one expensive, supportive pair.
Don’t know if I’d wear them at work but check out the Dr. Scholl’s dance clog on Amazon. They are so, so comfortable.
Thanks for the advice so far. I know the practical shoes everyone is suggesting will end up being the way to go, and I need the pointers because I have to say that these shoes kind of make me sad. I love my 3 1/2″ heel pump collection so very much…
Danskos in the past have not fit my feet right at all. Super uncomfortable. I think maybe the arch of the sole was in totally the wrong place for me, or something. Is there a brand that makes shoes of similar quality and support that I should look at, but which might fit better?
I’m tempted to try crocs. The YOU line, as was featured here earlier this week or last …
Try Sanitas, which used to be made by the same company that makes Dansko and are closer to the original style of Danskos (I find that the new Dansko style doesn’t fit me comfortably). There are a few similar brands – I’d suggest checking out the blog Barkingdogshoes dot com for a lot more suggestions.
Try one of the Comfort One stores in DC. If your office is convenient to Dupont Circle, the Comfort One store is on the same block as the Ecco store… both have cute but comfortable shoes. You might like Arche shoes which Comfort One carries.
I have Taryn by Taryn Rose shoes (I think they are exclusive to DSW) that I love – I bought 1 pair in a DSW store and two more pairs online.
Clarks are also very supportive.
Emotional question for everyone–I’m recently engaged and currently attempting to plan a wedding for 2013. Unfortunately, even though I’ve been at it for a few months, I’ve made no progress–primarily because my mother refuses to agree to anything. I want a small-ish wedding (50-70 people), she refuses to agree to that and instead wants it to be 150-200. A fourth of the people she wants to invite have never even met my fiance, but she constantly tells me she has to invite them because they’ve been friends for a long time, etc. I also want an outdoor ceremony. She hates this idea, and consequently, any place I pick is instantly shot down.
Each conversation ends in a screaming argument. I am at my wit’s end. I don’t want to elope, but I’m seriously started to consider it–I can’t deal with this kind of constant battling for the next 8-1o months. My mother and I have always had a bad relationship, primarily because she is so incredibly controlling, and it’s gotten worse in the past few years because I’m with my fiance now.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? Or should I just call it a day, pack my bags, and elope?
Oh, and I should add–one of the problems with her inviting that many people is that all of the locations in the city I want won’t hold that many people.
Is your mom paying for your wedding? If not, she has no right to dictate the size, location or anything else. If so, I would say “thank you, but no thank you” and do your own thing. Life is too short. Sorry this has been so stressful.
To clarify, I meant “thank you, but no thank you” to her money. And there is nothing wrong with eloping.
Ditto. If you’re paying, just stop discussing the plans with her and do it how you want. If she’s paying, figure out a way to pay for something yourself on your terms. Or just elope. And congrats on your engagement! Keep your sights on the happy occasion.
Yep. Paying for our wedding ourselves, and enjoying 100% control over the entire thing, was so, so worth it, even if it wasn’t as fancy as it could have been. Money is power, money is freedom, when it comes to wedding planning.
I agree. The crux of the issue is the golden rule (of wedding planning). What is this golden rule? She who has the gold makes the rules.
I read below that your parents are paying, so sadly you have two options – 1) have the wedding with her money and her rules, or 2) pay for the wedding yourself and do it your way within your means. If you go with option 2, she can always throw you a delayed reception/family reunion and you can graciously thank her for her generosity without having her dictate how you will mark this major life event.
Stop talking to her about your wedding! Seriously. tell her youll let her know when everything is finalized.
No idea how to deal with this, but I’m not even engaged yet (planning on getting engaged next year) and I’m already having fights with my mom about planning the wedding. Eloping is looking like a good idea, except I don’t think either of our mothers would be okay with it. This is so much tougher than it should be!
I can’t tell for certain, but it sounds like your mother is paying for the wedding. You may need to try to sit down with her and have a direct conversation about your conflicting visions for the wedding. If you still can’t agree, maybe you need to fund it yourself so you can make your own choices?
If I’m mistaken and you are already paying for it, I would tell her nicely but firmly that it is your day and your money, so the decisions are yours to make.
Can you have a smaller wedding/reception and a separate bbq or similar type of reception or engagement party hosted by your parents that is mostly for their friends? My husband’s parents did that since we were getting married on the opposite coast – a large bbq with their entire community a month or two before the wedding. My parents ended up getting slightly jealous because husband’s parents got to celebrate with more friends than my parents did! (Wedding costs split between us and my parents, rehearsal dinner by husband’s parents. We did not have an expensive wedding.)
Oh anony, I feel your pain. Hugs. My mother was kind of a disaster during wedding planning too – she was entirely apathetic to the wedding, was weirdly clingy and possessive as it related to my future MIL and – when she did express an interest in being involved – made it so.freaking.difficult to delegate to her that I just took every project back (seriously – 15 emails in which she told me that my favor idea was terrible and would give people food poisoning).
Is she financially contributing to your wedding? This is kind of a big deal. Money = control. If you don’t want her to have any say in your wedding, refuse, return, etc. the money. Pay for the wedding yourself, even if it means you have to scale way back.
If she is giving you money, and you can’t/won’t return it, you’re going to have to learn how to engage in limited interactions with her. As yourself whether your mother needs to have the final say (or input) in wedding-related items – is she putting down the deposit on the wedding venue? If yes, then she probably needs to be involved in the decision. Is she paying for your dress? If yes, then you have to take her dress shopping with you. Is she paying for the favors/photograph/music? If no, then do whatever you and your fiance want.
Also, you might want to consider therapy for how to interact with her. Seriously. I went for a few sessions after my wedding to deal with the residual emotional baggage from my parents (although it would have way more helpful to have gone during the process, when I had weekly breakdowns to my husband that I wanted to elope).
Again, hugs. Wedding planning can really suck sometimes. If my husband didn’t insist on a wedding, I would have eloped. And, you should seriously talk about this as an option with your fiance. My husband *really* wanted a wedding.
Just mail her an invitation once it is all booked?
If she’s paying, I think she legitimately gets to invite all the random people she wants to invite. If not,I would explain you and fiance have your heart set on x type of ceremony and the budget can’t stretch any farther BUT I’d try to focus her attention somewhere – assign her some task you don’t really care about and frame it as appreciating her taste in that area. (Such as “mom, you’ve always held such wonderful dinner parties in the past, I really would love you to help us at tastings and with the cake.” Bad example but you get it.) I know some posters will probably try to get you to tell her to eff right off, but she’s your mother, and yes, it’s your wedding, but she’s excited about it too. Let her have some joy in it.
To present a viewpoint from one side of the argument, my parents paid for my wedding and were very involved in the planning. It was not what I would have ideally planned, but in the end I was just happy to get married with family and friends there. I am very close with my parents and they are in the final phases of their lives, so I was happy to let them be involved and be a part of a beautiful day in my life. You often hear people say that the wedding is all about the bride or all about the couple, but I think it’s all about the family (however you may define that word), and it is hugely important occasion for a mother to see her child get married after having given birth to, and raised that person – think about that before excluding her.
Short of things that are actually deal-breakers (such as a religious wedding if you are not religious), what if you just let her have her way? You pick the music, food, dress. Make sure your friends are invited. Then let her throw the party! It’d bring her joy and wouldn’t really do you any harm. Just a thought.
I think this is an interesting perspective and have friends who have said the same thing to me. Honestly I’m torn when I hear this because I dont have a great relationship with my parents (sounds like OP doesnt either). So, its easy to say that the couple should be agreeable and let her parents plan and such if you have a good healthy relationship with your parents. But it misses the whole point of the OPs question. She’s getting into screaming matches with her mom, so I’m guessing these issues have been many years in the making and are not going to get fixed because there is a wedding. I hope that doesn’t come off as rude at all.
It’s important to remember that ppl will be EXACTLY the same way they are every day on your wedding day. Uncle Barnie will still drink too much, and your grandma will still be cranky and OPs mom will not be any nicer. I’m not advocating for excluding her off the bat, but would suggest weighing what’s more important to OP – a drama free wedding that is not to her liking, or the wedding that she and her fiancé want with some friction wih her Mom.
I think there are a couple of ways to look at this. The first is if your mother is paying then let her make most of the decisions. Decide on a few things that are super important to you and compromise on the rest. Remember that this is a ceremony to start your marriage, it is one day (albeit a very important one), but possibly not important enough to ruin a relationship with your mother and cause so much stress in your life. When you look back you want to remember how you felt towards your husband and the commitment you made. It will ultimately not matter if this was done inside or outside or in front of one person or 500 people. If your mother is paying and you want her money and a continued relationship with her, then let go of some of the control. The end result is you marry the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
The second option is to refuse money and just plan whatever you can pay for yourself. My husband’s mom (even though she was not contributing to the costs!!) had made her own guest list of about 300 people, many of whom my husband had only met once as a child. We put a stop to it and had a small wedding that we paid for ourselves. She was upset with us, but we were not hosting a family reunion!
I agree completely. And would like to emphasize that in 10 years, you will probably not care whether you were married inside or outside. But the damage to your relationship w/ your mother could be very long lasting (especially about the guest list). If she’s paying, you need to compromise and remember that TLC is wrong. It’s not your special day where you are entitled to all your dreams coming true. It’s just a wedding. It’s a special day for your parents and your fiance’s parents as well.
Also, just know that when it is all over, you will probably not care. Some people hold grudges so I guess maybe you will, but then it will be the least of your problems. There were a 1000 things at my wedding that were not how I would have done it if entirely up to me, but I don’t give a crap about any of them now. And sometimes, you’re just wrong- I wanted an outside wedding, in the mid-atlantic, in August. My in-laws threw a fit about it and it didn’t happen (primarily due to cost/logistics). Turns out, there was a hurricane on my wedding day. So yay for not always getting what you want.
Great advice here.
We paid for our own wedding. Our parents made comments and requests, but ultimately we made the decisions. We were professional adults and our parents understood that. We compromised at times, but in retrospect I would have considered their preferences more. A child’s wedding is very, very important to parents. I wish I had understood that when I was planning.
In contrast, my brother got married fairly young. His in-laws paid for the wedding and kept tight control over the decisions. It was frustrating at times, but the points of conflict don’t matter anymore. My brother and sister-in-law had a great time at their beautiful wedding – and they are happily married, which is really all that matters.
I’ve never been engaged/planned a wedding, so that this for what it’s worth:
One thing I think alot of the commenters are missing is what anony said about her relationship with her mom – it’s already a bad relationship and her mom is controlling. To me, this sounds like her mom’s control issues are manifesting in a big way with regards to the wedding. If she’s footing/planning to foot any significant portion of the cost of the wedding, return/refuse the money. If she pays, she gets a say. When she starts to fight you about it, remain calm and tell her: “This is mine and fiancee’s wedding. This is what we want to do. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, but it’s not your decision. This is how it’s going to be.” Wash, rinse, and repeat. Also, try to limit your discussions with her about it.
Thanks for all the advice! My parents are paying for it, at least as of right now, but I’m starting to think that we might just have to do something ourselves. The problem is, there are only really 2 things I care about: that is outdoors (my fiance and I aren’t religious, and so the biggest problem is that she wants it in a church and we don’t) and that my friends are there. Unfortunately, she wants me to cut all of my friends so she can have her friends/distant family, and she refuses to have it outside because she wants it in a church. I’ve explained that these are the only two dealbreakers for me, and that she can literally choose everything else to her liking and I won’t argue–but that doesn’t seem to be enough.
As I’m typing this I think the best option is for us just to pay for it ourselves. Thank you for the advice, everyone!
WRT the religious aspect – is there a possibility that you could compromise by having the ceremony outside, but agreeing to be married by a religious officient? I know people feel very strongly about religion/non-religion in weddings, but it’s an idea IF you’re looking for ways to compromise.
Unfortunately, if she is paying for it, she can use that for leverage. Its her money, so she does get to invite who she wants. (Not that that is a good way to make this an enjoyable experience. But that’s the way it goes.)I would just pay for it yourself.
The guest list was a major sticking point with my mom as well. I wanted to invite my friends, but there wasn’t room on the guest list because of all the distant family and friends my parents wanted invited. I got the same explanation that the family and friends had been around for a long time – and in the end, I gave in and had only a few of my friends to the wedding.
Here is the part you are not going to want to hear – but it is important. All of those friends and family that my parents invited are still around, still interested in me, my husband and my family, and have been generously supportive of us throughout our nearly 13 years of marriage. They threw the baby showers. They invite us to events at their homes when they know we are visiting. They send the Christmas cards. The friends I wanted to invite so badly are no longer in the picture for the most part. Those of my friends who are still around are good friends, but they do not rise to the level of my parents’ friends.
Your relationship with your mother sounds like it is not great, but she is still your mother. You don’t get another one. Carefully consider whether taking all of this into your own hands to be able to do what you want to do now will do to any future for your relationship.
It depends on the parents’ friends, and the relationship you have with your parents, too.
My mother tried A) making my ceremony religious and B) forcing me to invite family members/friends of hers that I had literally not spoken a word to since I was ten. In the end, we ended up semi-eloping and paying for everything ourselves.
That said – I have never had a good relationship with my mother. She has some diagnosed personality/mood issues and an otherwise controlling personality that makes it difficult to be close to her. If I thought it would have been possible to have a better relationship with her, I would have budged on the guest list (but not the religious aspect). But as it was, our relationship was already broken.
Thank you for sharing this. Many times I feel like the advice that people give is to just make it work with your family, and everything will work out great. I am glad to hear others had a less than perfect experience and is stilled worked out fine.
ELS, I think you kind of hit the nail on the head. My similarly-aged sister got married two years before I did. She and my mom have always had kind of a strained relationship and the entire wedding was one giant battle (even though my sister is a pleaser by nature!) and my mom was whining up to the day of that everything was going to be a giant mess (it wasn’t, the whole thing was wonderful). I, on the other hand, have a good relationship with my mom and generally get along better with her and my wedding planning went very very smoothly and involved no real battles on her part, even over stuff I had anticipated (sister got married in a church, I thought my non-religious ceremony would be an issue, it wasn’t. But I bet it would have been an issue if my sister had said no church/religion)
Anyways, it’s a little sad, but true.
If she wants to pay for a church wedding for you, but you don’t want that because you are not religious, I am not sure those are reconcilable differences (unless you would be willing to get married outside by a member of the clergy, and your mom’s religion allows for that).
Also, on the guestlist issue–I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a story where a parent was paying and didn’t add people to the guestlist that the couple wouldn’t have otherwise invited. We invited less of our friends to accomodate our larger families/parent lists, although it’s definitely unreasonable for you to invite none of your friends. What helped with my parents was to ask them who they saw these people sitting with, which made them realize that they or my grandparents would rather spend time with other invited guests than the people they were trying to add on to the list.
Could you just roll with her wedding ideas and not invite any of your friends, then throw a separate outdoor party for just your friends after the honeymoon? You could show them any of the photos from the wedding that you have and celebrate with them. My husband and I basically did this. Our idea was that the family probably wanted to see the actual wedding more and that our friends would tend towards wanting to celebrate with us more. We paid for apres-wedding party, had it in our back yard with some borrowed tents and had a great time celebrating in a way that suited our tastes, but definitely not our parents’.
Or you could through in some supplemental cash and budge on the venue to accommodate more guests- thus inviting your mom’s friends and your own. The more the merrier (within budget). I feel your pain, because our massive guest list made most of the nicer venues in town impossible. But I don’t care about it at all anymore.
The religious ceremony thing is harder…. depends on the religion, your own feelings, fiance’s family’s religion and his/their feelings.
As if you can’t tell from all the comments– this is a really common struggle. It’s the worst part of wedding planning.
Stand your ground on the religious issue. That is a completely personal decision for you and your fiance and none of your mother’s business, even if she is paying for the wedding. I also have a difficult relationship with my mother and went through similar issues with her when planning my wedding. She wanted a catholic ceremony and we did not because we did not intend to belong to a catholic church or raise our children catholic and they make you promise to raise your kids catholic during the ceremony. We did not want to start our marriage out with a blatant lie. It was a miserable experience and I still resent her for how she behaved (there were many, many other disagreements) because I feel like I missed out on something when I witnessed my friends plan their weddings with their mothers.
I agree that those are important issues. If she can’t compromise on those two (totally reasonable requests), maybe you’ll have to go your own way. Sorry this is happening to you!
Tell her you will get married at city hall. She will probably come around sooner when presented with that alternative.
My mother always told me she wasn’t completely happy with her wedding and it wasn’t the venue she wanted because my dad’s mother took over so much of the planning and that I should just do what I want when I get married.
I plan to remind her of this frequently when she starts driving me nuts when we get around to my wedding (and believe me, she will drive me nuts). If your mother happens to have a similar story, a gentle (or not so gentle) reminder might be in order.
Anyone know of a blog like this but for men? My husband (late 20s) is starting a new job this fall that will require him to majorly step up his wardrobe game (vs. the shorts and t-shirts he wears to work now). He asked if I knew of any blogs that would tell him how to dress professionally but also cool and stylish. Basically, I’m looking for a Corp*rette for dudes. Any ideas?
I recently found http://www.askmen.com. I sent it to my SO because they had some kind of article that was like, “Get rid of your pleated pants already, guys!” He was like, “I have already seen this.” He did not get the message.
I don’t really think there’s a blog just *like* this, because our comments are such a huge part of the site.
Also would like this info if such a site exists.
Art of Manliness . com might be a good place to start. Some interesting info and a tongue-in-cheek approach. Not the same community, obvs.
My bf suggested last week that start shopping for “the ring”!! While I am super excited by this prospect, I have no idea what I want…so, ladies-who-all-have-fabulous-taste, what styles would you recommend?
I’m pretty traditional, and have rather small hands. I want something simple, but not plain (does that make sense?). Perferrably set in yellow gold. Suggestions?
I love Turtle Love’s simple, but pretty styles. http://www.turtleloveco.com/Engagement_Rings_s/125.htm
I have small hands and a very simple wedding set. I have a small Tiffany solitaire (less than .5c) and my band is a tiny bit more flashy, but it’s very thin and has tiny diamonds set in only half it (I think those diamonds total less than .2c). I think solitaires are so classic, understated, and simple and I really like how mine looks on my small hand. I also like how if I ever decide to wear just my wedding band, it is very thin and tiny but still looks very feminine and lovely due to the small diamonds in the band.
Sometimes I think people get away from solitaires because they seem boring, but they are classic for a reason and hey, if people stop buying them because they are boring, they will actually become abnormal, unique, and thus not boring at all. ;-)
I have a twist on a solitaire, the ever-so-trendy halo ring. But hey, they are trendy for a reason- still classic but a little more interesting than a plain solitaire. Mine is a cushion cut diamond (~ .75 carat) with a cushion shaped pave halo and a thin platinum band w/ pave set diamonds. The whole thing is sparkly, but still simple and elegant.
I’m not sure that pave diamonds will look as nice on a gold band- maybe if you could get it with pave yellow/canary diamonds? I don’t think you can go wrong with any variety of solitaire. Stay away from chunky bands if you have small hands.
Kontraktor, your set sounds a lot like mine — I have a Tiffany solitaire that is about 1/3ct paired with a somewhat unusual 3/4 eternity diamond wedding band. I really didn’t care for the way my e-ring looked on its own, but I really like the set. At some point, I’m planning to get an engraved or milgrained band to stack or mix-and-match with it, but I totally agree with you that solitaires are classy, versatile, and somewhat underrated nowadays. My best advice to the OP, though, is to go to a good jewelry store (or two or three) and try everything on. Things you love, things you don’t think you like, various shapes of diamond, etc. you might be surprised at what looks best on your hand. Once you know what shape and style you like best, then you can go from there.
I would actually head to a jewelry store and ask to try some on so you can get an idea of what you like on your hand. What I thought I wanted ended up not looking right to me once I tried them on.
This. Just start trying rings on. If you find one you like, they can give you a card that you can pass on to your boyfriend.
Same happened to me too. The one I was absolutely sure I wanted did not look right on my size 4 finger. It looked ridiculous. OP, popular ring styles look very different on our tiny fingers than they do in pictures of people with normal-sized hands. Go try lots of stuff on. We ended up buying our ring on Blue Nile, but ShaneCo is great for trying on lots of styles and shapes.
I agree. Trying them on is key. In fact, I initially rejected the ring that is now my wedding band because I thought it was ugly. My husband urged me to try it on, and I loved it on my hand.
I started just peering into windows to figure out what shops I wanted to visit. I didn’t think too hard; some windows made me happy and others didn’t. I got mine at a place that specializes in vintage/heirloom pieces.
A tip: To give input while leaving the ring a surprise, select a couple of settings (the store can mark or record your choices) and leave your boyfriend to pick a setting and stone.
Start to look at styles online. What shape appeals to you? Do you like stones on the band or not? Do you want the stone to sit high from the band or flatter? Also, consider that his suggestion to “start shopping” is perfect for this kind of exploration. As someone else mentioned, you might think you know what you want then something completely different will look right on your hand.
Tension set rings tend to be simple, but also out of the ordinary. Gold is somewhat soft, though, so it may be harder to find yellow gold tension settings. Bezel settings are also beautiful and, at least from my perspective, are less common but still “simple.” My sister is very athletic and wanted a small, understated ring that she could wear all the time. She loves the Tiffany Bezet ring that her fiance bought her.
Tiffany Bezet (this is a bezel style ring and not for someone who wants a large diamond): http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?sku=GRP03960
The rose gold is unique, and it is gorgeous.
Agree with others to look online and note the styles that you like.
i love this! rose gold is my favorite and i almost got a bezel set right as my e-ring, but then i never found one i really liked. this definitely would have made the cut had i ever seen it.
I agree with going to a store to try out rings. Keep in mind that places like Tiffany’s really mark up the prices of diamonds.
Most of what they sell is also factory-made and mass produced, if that matters to you.
Check out blue nile, they have great buying guides for rings that can take you through it step by step.
For my book, I like princess cut solitaires.
I have a twist on the traditional wedding set, which may interest you, depending.
My engagement ring is .75ish carats round diamond in a cathedral, double-prong setting and with about .2 carats of stones set in a semi-eternity style around it. Similar to this: http://www.moissanitebridal.com/store/graphics/00000002/ch_SS1101_A_front_TH.jpg
My wedding band is an eternity ring in sapphire (my husband’s birth stone). For our one-year anniversary, we’re planning on getting a peridot one for me to wear along with it on top of my ring (my birthstone). It looks a little unusual, but I’m secretly a sap.
I was just introduced to “Mitt Romney is a unicorn” and my day just got so better.
Only had a minute to check it out but love this comment on the side bar:
There are certain standards of office that must be upheld. If a unicorn secures office now, what’s next? A penguin? Sure, he’d be dressed for all the fancy events, but he’d always smell like fish
I am the worst at giving gifts to friends (I usually give a gift certificate to a store because I can’t think of anything else). One of my best friends had a birthday recently and I need some gift ideas. She lives across the country, so I’ d like something that I can order online (ideally, through Amazon prime).
I know this is a really general question, but does anyone have ideas? She’s a Big Law lawyer, unmarried, 31, really smart and witty. She loves to read but I worry about sending her some books that she has already read. And she’s really petite, so I don’t want to buy her clothes because I don’ t know what she would like. Would rather not buy lotion or scarves or a bag. Other thoughts??! Thanks!
What about putting together a bunch of smaller items that you really like but that she may not have discovered yet? The items don’t have to be related, but can just be stuff that you’ve been really glad you purchased (your new favorite lip gloss, that nice kitchen knife that you use all the time, the perfect coffee mug). Just think of the stuff that you use everyday that just works really well for you and that would be appropriate to give to her. Sort of like Oprah’s favorite things, but on a smaller scale. You could probably stick to stuff available through Amazon prime, and of course explain why you are giving her such a random assortment of stuff.
Are you familiar with the company Fresh. They have some really fun gift-sets of “facial systems” with like scrubs and lotions and washes (so not just lotions). Or lip scrub and lip gloss. And they’re really fancy and the kind of thing you wouldn’t get yourself.
Another idea, what about a wine or cheese of the month club, if you know she likes those? Or a really nice business card holder (like kate spade or something). I know I’d also love a cute wristlet or a fun clutch or one of those things that you use occasionally but you never think to buy yourself. Something fun and handmade from Etsy is always appreciated.
Would you guys say that this dress: http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=82532&vid=1&pid=545071&scid=545071022
is appropriate for a baby shower? (Friend, being held at a Baptist Church in the south, I don’t really know her family). It’s an adorable dress, and I bought it literally hours before I found out I’m pregnant, so I’m trying to get as much wear out of it as possible while it still fits (and, dumb me didn’t really think through the whole “white dress in summer” thing – can’t really wear it to outdoor events, weddings, of course, are out, but it’s not fancy enough to be a really dressy dress). My body type is “pre-adolecent boy”, so, even with pregnancy b@@bs, there’s absolutely no hint of cleavage. I’m really only worried about the strapless aspect. I can wear a cardi, but, of course, I’m expecting it to be hot.
BTW, with it being marked down to $17, you should definitely buy this dress – it’s adorbs.
I would not wear a strapless dress to any event held at a Baptist church. The likelihood of looking inappropriate is higher than the likelihood of looking fine. With a cardigan it would be OK, but if you think it will be hot then I’d go with a different dress.
Really, even if its just being held in the church basement? They’re just using the space (I mean, they may be congregants, but its not a religious service/ritual/event)
Yeah, Southern Baptists (which I’m assuming they are since it’s in the south) tend to be very conservative. Since she doesn’t know the family, better safe than sorry.
I think its absolutely fine with a cardigan over it, and even without a cardigan — I am assuming that while the event is *at* a church, its not a religious service. I wouldn’t nescessarily feel uncomfortable in strapless unless it was a service with a minister, etc.
Its pretty perfect for a baby shower, actually. I’d wear it with flat leather sandals. And, if I wanted to be crazy, I’d throw a [pink or blue?] thin belt around it.
Oh, yes, it’s not a religious service, just being held in one of the community rooms at the church, on a Saturday.
Cute dress for a baby shower, but I’d pass it by the mom-to-be or anther church member first. I’d be concerned about wearing an above-the-kneed, strapless dress to even a non-service event at a Baptist church – but congregations can very.
Perhaps a short-sleeve bolero or cropped cardigan would be modest and more weather appropriate?
I’m not Baptist, but I do live in Alabama. I think the dress would be fine, but you could wear a cardigan just to make you more comfortable — it is going to be inside.
I love Target’s work dresses! They are cute, inexpensive, usually pretty flattering, and the best part is they are machine washable! I wear them over and over.
Threadjack/rant.
When I was in grad school, the HPV vaccine came out. I was told by the university health center that they couldn’t give it to me because I was not in the age range the vaccine was meant for (I changed careers, so was older than most students). My friends got the vaccine, I didn’t. I was annoyed, but what can you do. I practiced safe sex and carried on.
Present day – I live and work in a foreign country. Husband and I are talking about having kids. Just got results of a pap test back and guess what — abnormal cells indicate HPV. My pap tests during grad school were clean. To add insult to injury, my doctor here told me that while the FDA held strictly to the age restrictions, in other countries (like the one I’m in now), the vaccine was administered much more generously with regard to age.
Gah. So mad.
Oh no! I”m sorry. I was discouraged (disallowed?) from getting it as a 20 or 21 year old undergrad when it became available, as I was not a virgin and no longer a teenager. Your post makes me glad I insisted on it at 23 in grad school, even if it wasn’t as effective. Hopefully the abnormal results aren’t conclusive…
Ah, I’m sorry, that sucks. If it’s any consolation, it is entirely possible that you already had HPV during grad school, even if your paps were clean. The pap looks for changes in the appearance of the cells, not the presence or absence of the virus, and the cell changes can take a while (years) to show up (many many women are already infected by their 20s–most clear the infection, but some don’t, and this persistent infection over time is what leads to changes in the cells). If you haven’t had one already, you can ask for an HPV test in addition to the pap (which looks for viral RNA), and that can tell you if you have a high risk strain of the virus or not.
Ugh. So sorry!
I had a similar abnormal pap in law school. The doctor was all doom and gloom with me, and indicated that there was NO WAY that I didn’t have HPV. I went to get a series of lady-parts tests done post-abnormal pap, and every last one of them, including my HPV test, came back totally normal.
I’m four years post abnormal pap now, and have absolutely no problems. All my other pap smears have come back completely normal. So – don’t be convinced it is until you hear it is.
This same thing happened to me. I was one year too old for the vaccine, and had HPV at my last pap. The doctor said that 80% of the population has HPV, there are usually no symptoms at all or bad side effects, and usually it goes away on its own. I’d stop worrying about it until it comes time for your next pap. There’s not really much you can do.
I would definitely be mad too. But if it makes you feel better, the vaccine is only effective against 4 of 70+ strains of HPV so it might not even have helped.
Thanks for the sympathy and the info, ladies, I appreciate it. I’m not really worried, just mad (and venting here helped lessen that). My doctor did order a test to determine whether I have the high risk strain or not, so just waiting to hear back about that.
Related TJ-
I have a lovely color block dress from Ann Taylor. Cream and khaki on top, black skirt with an orange band. Had it dry cleaned and now the cream is sort of grey and there might be some blotchy greyish-khaki on the top. GAH! To add insult to injury, from the way it is hanging the lining appears to be peaking out from the hem. DOUBLE GAH!
So- any advice on recovery and any advice on avoidance? What can I tell the dry cleaner next time. With the color block trend, this can’t be the only dress that this happens to. This is a reputable dry cleaner in my area, so I would not necessarily assume that finding a different cleaner would solve my problem.
Take the dress back to Ann Taylor. If you laundered it as the tag indicates, I bet they will take it back. Sounds like a cute dress. :(
Argh. Why is this stupid moderation thing happening?
Could you wear it over a thin t-shirt (in some color)?
A very thin t-shirt would keep your collarbone area/shoulders covered, be lighter than a cardigan, plus inject some color into your outfit. You could coordinate the color of the t-shirt with the belt.
I once wore a Pink Floyd t-shirt under a very strappy dress (with a really low neckline) for modesty and, also, to not look too dressy. If you’re worried about the t-shirt adding bulk, get a cheap one from Forever21, and get a pair of scissors and crop it– leave just enough fabric for it to have a comfortable margin (so it won’t untuck from the top of your dress) but so you won’t have the bulkiness of the t-shirt around the waist of your dress.
-1′