Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Brown Bow Sweater
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
‘Tis the season for office holiday gatherings. For me, the formal affairs are easy to dress for, but I get really stumped when it’s a more casual event.
This pullover sweater from Target is festive, but perfect for a relaxed get-together. Pair with wide-leg pants and your favorite office sneaker and you’ll be good to go.
The sweater is $30 at Target and comes in sizes XS-4X. There’s a similar version in cream, but instead of a bow, cursive letters spell out “joy.”
Sales of note for 4/17:
- Nordstrom – Beauty savings event, up to 25% off – nice price on Black Honey
- Ann Taylor – Cyber Spring! 50% off everything + free shipping
- Boden – 25% off everything (thru Sun, then 15% off)
- Brooklinen – 25% off sitewide — we have and love these sateen sheets
- Evereve – 1000+ items on sale, including lots from Alex Mill, Michael Stars, Sanctuary, Rails, Xirena, and Z-Supply
- Express – $29 dresses
- J.Crew – 30% off all dresses
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
- Lands' End – 50% off full price styles and 60% off all clearance and sale – lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
- Loft – Friends & Family event, 50% off entire purchase + free shipping
- Macy's – 25% off already reduced prices + 15% off beauty & fragrance
- M.M.LaFleur – Spring Sale Event – Buy More, save more! 10% off $250+, 15% off $500+, 20% off $750+, 25% off $1000+ (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off if you find any exclusions.)
- Sephora – Spring sale! 20%, 15%, or 10% off depending on your membership tier; ends 4/20. Here's everything I recommend in the sale!
- Talbots – Spring sale! 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns
- TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
- Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!
How do you deal with gift giving for certain family members that are prickly?
My sister had her first baby (our nephew) and it is so easy to shop for him and be generous. My sister is kind and we have a great relationship! On the other hand, my sister in law (husband’s sister) also had her first baby (our niece) and I want to be generous towards niece as well but man does my SIL make it hard. At best, our conversations are one sided (I make an effort to ask how she’s doing, etc but she’s only asked how I was doing once in a decade… lol) and at worst, she is overtly rude and prickly towards me- most recently last weekend. It initially made me sad because I was excited to gain a SIL but my husband and their mom say “this is just how she is, you have to not let it get to you.” Anyway, I have a cute custom “first Christmas as a family of X” ornament in my Etsy cart. It’s so easy to order one for my sister, but thinking about how rude SIL was recently…. I don’t feel super inclined. I will still do it to be kind but it feels obligatory since I already mentioned the ornament to my MIL.
Bigger picture – this isn’t a question about *how to deal with gift giving*. This is a question about what kind of relationship you want to have with your SIL, and by extension, your brother and your niece. If I wanted to keep a low emotional intensity connection, sending a family Christmas gift seems like a pretty easy way to keep that door open – but I think you’ll feel better if you just decide “I’m doing this because it’s important to *me* to [keep the relationship with your brother and niece? be warm to family even if not reciprocated? fill in the blank]”. Or decide no, you want minimal contact with this part of the family, and go that way. But I’m guessing this isn’t the only situation like this you’ll have to navigate.
Exactly. Don’t you want to cement your relationship with your brother? Being kind to your husband’s sister is almost always the key to that.
You could be describing me, although it’s been 15 years and I’ve never once been asked how I was doing and it’s my brother’s wife (not husband’s sister). Mostly, I don’t bother unless I want to do something nice for my brother. If it were my husband’s sister I wouldn’t make the effort, unless it was important to my husband.
I used to give out of a superiority feeling – “it’s the right thing to do and I’ll show them by example!” And that did not endear me to any of my then-husband’s family or likewise lol
I know it sucks because she’s prickly and not open but the answer if you want is: to try and build a relationship. Spend time with her, ask about the baby, start a text conversation. I would still say don’t expect anything. My in-laws almost never initiated these kinds of gestures or activities with me and when they did, to me it felt obligatory as a recipient, never genuine.
But on the other side, I feel my brothers’ wives and I do have genuine relationships because we pushed past that awkwardness. I think they would say the same.
And also – it’s totally natural for in-laws not to be besties or even to get along all that well. Everyone makes a huge deal of Kate, Duchess of Cambridge not getting along well with Megan Sussex but really, except for marrying very different brothers with very different job prospects, they are very different people!! Sometimes the best you can hope for is politeness and that’s ok too
I have over two dozen aunt and uncles, BILs and SILs to my parents on either side. Some of them we talk to in a weekly family call, and have vacationed with, others we see every few years. Some live close by but aren’t into the family thing, others are hours away but so warm and loving when we meet. It won’t always balance. Accepting this imbalance can actually take a lot of the awkwardness and pressure out of these situations. Of course it doesn’t help if someone is very self centered and never expresses care for you. But if you can mentally shift your expectation from a close familial bond to just expecting a superficial relationship from that person, it can be more satisfying for you as well.
+1 to how freeing it is to accept the individuals for the relationships they want to have with you. It can change over time, too.
Also, all the talk of gifts on this thread stress me out. I see most extended family once a year. I have no idea what to buy them and they have no idea what to buy me. I’ve been so much happier not exchanging presents. The folks who live closer to one another still exchange presents and that’s fine. I prefer to only exchange presents with spouse + kids.
I saw something online along the lines of “I’ve never once regretted the urge to be kind.” Sometimes it feels obligatory but it’s almost always worth it.
This.
The first moment I thought my now husband was someone I could marry was when someone scammed him in a minor way with an sob story and he shrugged it off and said “charity suffereth long and is kind.”
Yes. My husband is a better person than me in this way and I’ve learned a lot from him about kindness.
Honestly, I have regretted being kind, but it’s rarely been because of my first overture or a minor thing like buying a Christmas ornament. It’s usually been when I am giving someone their third, or fourth, or sixth chance because of some sense of obligation/duty.
Just do it. I get that it’s costing you to be the bigger person emotionally, but if she’s not acting out of character to you (as her mom says, she’s just this way) then you should learn to accept it and move on. I’d probably just get her duplicates of whatever you already get other people so as not to expend time feeling angry or giving into pettiness.
And it’s a first Christmas. And for the kiddo. Start as you mean to continue: being a good aunt to a kid.
I would be more inclined to give gifts just to the kids in this case, either physical gifts or something like a 529 contribution.
I would get this gift, because you already told your MIL about it. But I probably wouldn’t bother to come up with personalized gifts in the future. I doubt your SIL will appreciate them. I would just give a generic gift with a gift receipt, personally.
Would it be easier if you think of it as a “family” gift – equally for your brother and niece as for your SIL? (especially for something like a “First Christmas for 3 Jones'” ornament!)
Yes, give your husband’s sister something in the spirit of giving to your brother. Keep what your brother would like top of mind and follow that instinct when deciding what to give your husband’s sister.
This makes no sense to me. What doesn’t her brother have to do with it? This is her husband’s side of the family not her’s
There are a lot of reading comprehension issues in this thread.
Yeah, I misread the “type of in law” part. In that case, yes, you should get the ornament because you talked about it to MIL, and why cause drama. But overall, I’d let your husband carry family-to-family gifts for his side of the family. But if this is a question of just clicking “Buy”, just do it (different advice if the ornament is financially significant for you, or you’re going to spend hours deciding on the design or something)
My husband and I don’t get gifts for each others family or friends. I may help him pick out a gift for his sister but I’m not initiating anything. I’ll get gifts for my sibling’s spouses because I like them but I won’t go to any effort for my husbands family and that’s perfectly fine for the type of relationship I want to have with them.
Fascinating marriage you have there.
We’re the same. His family? His gifts and mental energy. My family is bigger and local and requires a lot more mental energy. I take 95% of that on and he takes on 95% of his own family.
I feel like that advice is given here all the time: each half of a couple takes on the emotional labor for their side of the family.
Which is terrible advice from people who probably aren’t married.
Why is that terrible advice? I’m married and this method works wonderfully for us.
Terrible advice for what reason? If you start out doing it that way it sure saves a lot of resentment down the line!
My MIL certainly thinks it’s terrible advice, but she’s the one who raised a son who doesn’t perform emotional labor to her (unreasonable) standards. My mother also thinks it’s subpar advice, but she’s never been happy with anything I do anyway. I’m a GenX, but even I have limits and boundaries.
I agree with both points here. We’ve divided the emotional labor into family camps, which just means that my husband does none of it for his half and my MIL blames me because she never gets gifts/flowers and he rarely calls. But, there is only so much I can do and DH is fine with it and I have stopped feeling guilty.
I’ve been married 15 years, we do this and have a happy marriage and good rapport with our respective in-laws.
Honestly I would be appalled if my husband neglected his mother in the way you allow. It’s partially your job to make him a better person (and his job to make you better.)
Ha, this is absolutely my advice, and we have a wonderful (and equal) marriage! I adore his family and am very close to them. There’s been a recent health situation and I’ve happily been at the bedside more than my husband. But his family = his gifts. Women are socialized to pick up these kinds of tasks. We met in our 30s so he had been a grown man buying gifts for his own family for over a decade. There’s absolutely no reason for him to stop and me to start (except for socialization and I had to realize it and purposefully not do it).
Yeah, this is absolutely great advice (his side = his responsibility) from someone who has been married/partnered for a long time. To the person who said they would be appalled if their partner treated their mother that way – agreed I would too – but, if I did it for him, I would still be appalled but now also completely resentful. It is no one’s job to “fix” their partner (SA’s People are not Projects!).
This is quite common… and I know of no hetero marriages save one where the man is getting gifts for the woman’s side of the family. Why is it bad when the woman does the same?
Mine does. It’s only wine for everything, but he takes care to remember their preferences.
Yikes, you are petty. Guess you don’t care about your brother either.
Exactly. Think of how your brother is going to feel when he finds out you didn’t get your husband’s sister the ornament!! (Do you have a brother?)
Does the OP even have a brother???? (SIL = husband’s sister in this case)
Think of this as a gift for your niece, not as a stand-in for your relationship with your sister-in-law — you’re her aunt, regardless of your relationship with her mother.
As far as your sister-in-law goes, I’m going to go against the grain here and say drop the rope. You can be pleasant but you don’t have to try to force conversation; you can smile, say, “Thank you for having us!” and then spend time & energy on your brother and niece. Be careful that you don’t confuse dropping the rope with snubbing. Instead, it’s asking you to step back and drop the demand/fantasy that you’ll have a relationship with your sister-in-law like the one with your sister.
Are there any good health studies out there about diet and weight as women age? I feel that now that I’m in menopause, I really need to give up restaurants and eat a lot better and not be casual about weight creeping up. Before in my family, we had some very old people have cancer (and generally survive another 10 years) and heart disease (that they died of, but as older people). Now, cancer took a cousin below the age for colonoscopies and I am just really shaken up about how it robbed him of decades of life, the chance to have children, and how broken up his wife and parents are (and yes it strikes me as odd that his parents are just fine and he is gone, so maybe genes are not the full story here). If there is a good book on cancer, I can also read that. Since I’m not the patient, I feel like I don’t have anywhere to start, but I want real science even if dumbed down for a layman.
Some of this is a total crapshoot. We all know people who exercised and juiced and all the rest who died young and people who were Cheeto-eating couch potatoes who lived to 100. You’re welcome to obsess over it, but it’s best just to enjoy things in moderation and live your life.
Well sure. But within the same family with shared genetic risk factors, the people who make an effort to manage those risk factors really can suffer a lot less. I don’t think it takes obsessing though, just some awareness and staying up-to-date.
My understanding is that for older women, adequate exercise is very important, and weight is less important than for younger women. I googled and it looks like there are some studies showing that it can be better to be a little heavier: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/some-excess-weight-is-healthy-for-older-adults/
The book, Emperor of All Maladies might be a place to start.
American Cancer Society website has good info.
National Cancer Institute website probably still has good data, but be aware that their website may have been meddled with.
It’s never a mistake to learn how to prepare your own food and to look for better quality restaurants. There’s a lot going on right now with our food system and you won’t find the answers in a book or study for a few more decades I’m certain.
Do your best with whole foods and vegetables, stay away from re-heating food in plastics and eating/drinking low-fat food that replaces food you know with nonsense emulsifiers you can’t decipher, and hope for the best.
There are some things we can act on now. I’m okay with acting on incomplete evidence though.
For colon cancer specifically, I switched back from black coffee to adding cream, and I increased dietary yogurt (apparently the unbound calcium in dairy is thought to be protective, and I’m always working on calcium intake anyway).
A household member has Crohn’s, and emulsifiers, preservatives, and stabilizers are all on the avoid list, so we end up avoiding a lot of processed foods for that reason alone. I even finally found a good enough toothpaste and a dishwasher detergent with no rinse aid.
Interesting. I am the only person in my whole family who eats yogurt (since I was a kid). My generation has allergies (mild, seasonal ones, but still) and the prior ones absolutely didn’t have them (houses with windows and fans and animals and dirt vs central air and not living on farms). I’d love to retire and just take science classes (and by “take,” I mean audit).
I just got Eric Topol’s Super Agers out on my library’s Libby app, and it seems great so far.
I’m sorry about your cousin. Our generation is known to be higher risk for colon cancer than our parents’ generation, so it’s definitely not all genetics.
Generally speaking, genes only account for about 25% of your health outcomes. Your diet plays a part but so does your environment. Risk for all disease increases as you age, so the fact you have older members with disease is in some cases just related to their lifespan. That being said, of course following a general healthy diet and exercise plan is a good idea but not using tobacco is a huge benefit as well.
It’s certainly worthwhile to improve your overall health and lifestyle, and I wish you the best with that. But the idea that just because not everyone in a family has a disease, it must not be genetic, is a fallacy. My husband and his brothers all have the same genetic “risk factors” for being tall, but only one of them is. My cousin’s children all have the same genetic likelihood of having red hair, but only one of them does. Individual lifestyle factors absolutely contribute to disease, but there are also many, many environmental factors that have led to increased rates of cancer in younger generations where we don’t have a clear picture of why any one individual is affected by those factors more than another. My sister always had a much healthier lifestyle than me, including several specific breast cancer factors, and she had cancer in her early thirties while I did not. It’s just so cruel to be going through the hell that is cancer and have random people judging and shaming you based on groundless assumptions that it’s your fault. And ultimately, being better than other people can’t protect you from tragedy in any form.
I think this confuses chance of inheriting a particular array of genetic traits (to the extent a trait is solely genetic, e.g., sickle-cell train / sickle-cell disease) with a risk factor and the presence of any trait. Height is multi-factor. Sickle-cell is 100% genetic and only genetic.
I don’t think that anyone here is judging people who die earlier than we anticipate. I think that we think we know what traits run in out family and then that can change on a dime. In my 20s, my family was healthy as far as I knew. As the decades have advanced, the elders have lived long enough to have problems not previously on my radar. To the extent something is within my power to change (selfishly: without changing my comfort level too much), I want to know that and make an informed choice.
So: no more deli meat, no more bacon. Easy for me to make these changes. Maybe with an upside.
There are publications on the Mediterranean Diet. We have been following it to deal with cholesterol, and I don’t know anything about the conditions you list. But I would look for published studies in medical literature on it, Praeger, etc., and see what you think. If you have a helpful PCP, she can advise on whether you should switch things up.
Sometimes the screening age for colonoscopies is lowered in a family once there’s a family history, so when you ask your doctor the same question, make sure they have that context.
It’s just called moderation. Don’t stop living for fear of dying. Eat in a restaurant and balance it with a healthy meal at home. Take walks. Make friends. Laugh and enjoy life. You’ll love a lot longer and happier this way.
Everyone has their own definition of moderation though. I think it’s kind of like the small cocaine meme.
But if moderation means suffering moderately, I honestly do prefer to suffer less than that.
Huh?
For some people, a “small cocaine” in lieu of alcohol is “moderation.” For others, moderation means something quite different. (If you didn’t see the post this emanates from, you missed out)
Good Energy by Casey and Calley Means. I know, I know, y’all can’t, but the book is full of references to studies on how lifestyle affects your health. Calley Means might not be your bestie, but the book is a decent place to start.
you may want to check out the How Not to Die / How Not to Age / How Not to Diet series — the quick answer is “become vegan” but there’s actually a lot of interesting food for thought in his commenting of the various studies. I’m sure it’s cherrypicked of course, but it’s probably a decent place tos tart.
People can really crash and burn going vegan too without doing it carefully. (I partly blame vitamin companies replacing cyanocobalamin with methylcobalamin left and right!) If somebody does all their homework and knows how to get the right amino acids, enough choline, and a complete source of B12, it can improve health a lot. (Unless it’s just not controlling A1C which seems to come up for some people too!) I’d see a dietitian if I were making this big of a change.
You do understand that when you drop this minutia no one has any idea what you are talking about, right?
I just imagine the adults talking in a Peanuts tv show. So much “blah blah blah” equivalent.
That’s the point though. Vegan diets are advanced. People who just quit eating animal foods on their own may not know what risks they are taking.
Some good books I’ve liked are The China Study, How Not to Die and Crazy, Sexy Diet.
I’m so sorry about your cousin.
https://www.cancer.org/cancer/risk-prevention/diet-physical-activity/diet-and-physical-activity/body-weight-and-cancer-risk.html
Yes, obesity is a risk factor for many types of cancer, and the risk grows as we get older. The evidence is really clear, so I’m assuming that you don’t want clinical research papers showing that data, or do you?
In light of your family history of multiple types of cancer and your cousin with cancer at a young age, you could think about seeing a genetic counselor to see if genetic testing might be useful for you / your family. I did, and found that I have a mutation in a gene that increases my risk of several types of cancer. It doesn’t mean that I definitely will get cancer – it is just one contributor to my overall risk. But it was a good kick in my butt to be more careful about my eating habits, and religious about doing my cancer screening. My specific genetic mutation also guides my doctors as to which screening tests I need to do, and how often.
So to me it isn’t surprising that your cousin’s parents don’t have cancer, but their child unfortunately did. Carrying a genetic mutation is not absolute. It is the combination of literally dozens to hundreds of inherited genes that affects your cancer risk, and your cousin’s combination is different from each of his parents. And then add in his environmental risks, which are also unique. It is really complicated, and almost no cancers are due to solely one thing.
I try to maintain a high fiber diet of real homemade foods (Mediterranean diet is closest to mine I guess). I avoid alcohol as well as red/processed meat (ugh… I miss bacon the most). Exercise of any sort is great, regular sleep, stress reduction are all good too – for weight loss, for heart health, and for cancer prevention. I also started HRT recently, which has been shown to be protective against colon cancer. And since multiple types of gastrointestinal cancers run in my family, I also get colonoscopies more frequently (every 3 years), as well as other testing.
It took me 10 years until after my mother’s early death to look into the genetic contributor to her cancer. Now I know. Information is power.
Does anyone have a good link to share of sheer-looking fleece lined tights? I ordered some and not only is there a huge saddle-shaped cr*tch shaped seam, but they sag so badly that it becomes visible if you wearing a shorter skirt. Need an adult M for me and one for a size 0-2 teen (she is the one in shorter skirts).
I really like these ones! Just received them a couple weeks ago and I have worn them a couple times. They are very warm and NO diaper bum.
https://getnoosh.com/products/toast-fleece-lined-tights-sheer-illusion
I couldn’t believe how poorly the Amazon brand I bought last year fit. Who designed these diaper bum tights??? Why???
For fleece lined tights I definitely need to order up a size. It helps with the sagging.
I was poking around on the Rack site, and they have some Longchamp bags that would be great for work.
Please send me all the good vibes for a new job. I have to wait a month to see if the position I want makes budget and I’m their top pick. It’s a dream job. In the meantime in rounds of interviews with something else. And old boss is interviewing and late stages and will bring me if she lands. So lots of good prospects where change may come quickly but the wait is killing me. Last night I found out about a lawsuit against current company where what it’s accused of is absolutely true. I want out of this horrible unethical hell hole before I get the stink on me. I hate that I need to pay bills and have health insurance more than being able to tell these scummy bros how much I hope they lose and get punished fully.
Crossing fingers for you!!
Sending good vibes! Good luck OP!
What do Stephen and Katie Miller and Laura Loomer, who are Jews, think about someone like Nick Fuentes, who holds many of the same racist beliefs but is also anti-Semitic?
Nothing consistent, I’m sure.
Unless they are commenting here, none of us can say for sure.
+1. But she might find a psychic here lol.
I am Jewish and this is a weird question. Identities are complex. What does anyone think of anyone else who holds multiple beliefs, some of which they disagree with or find offensive or harmful? This is not a unique situation. Why are you so focused on their Jewishness?
It can be confusing when a person who is a member of a persecuted minority group so eagerly persecutes other people. But the unfortunate truth is that the desire to form group identities and then persecute the outsider is an element of human psychology that any of us can succumb to and must resist.
People in persecuted minority groups are also human. We are all capable of persecuting others, even if we ourselves have been persecuted. I don’t think that’s confusing, just sad reality.
I’m also Jewish and I also find this to be a really weird question. Not only are identities complex, but Jewish identity differs even within the “category.” And of course, people can work against their own identities: women can be intensely sexist and anti-feminist, for example.
Do you think you could do your spouse’s job? Would you want to?
My husband’s a pilot, and I always thought if I wanted to, I could do it. But he’s home studying to cross-train on a new aircraft, and he just finished the chapter on “upsets” – what aviators understatedly call flying upside down – and holy cow, no, no I could not be a pilot after all LOL.
What about you?
My husband is a dentist. I have shaky hands and can’t stand the sight of blood so the answer is probably no.
I sometimes envy his ability to leave work at work – once he is out the door, he is done, and his hours are better than mine (in-house corporate lawyer). I don’t envy the amount of nutty patients he has to deal with, his inability to every flex his time or work from home, his super high student debt, and his complete lack of benefits.
His job involves spreadsheets, long-term (lots of things) forecasting, and deadlines. So no.
But then my job involves all sorts of interactions with the general public with a variety of requests and varying levels of politeness at any given time. My husband would not/could not.
I’m not really sure what my husband even does. I describe it as “something with computers.”
DH works in an IT-adjacent field, which I have learned to understand. But there isn’t any way I could do his job, and, when we talk about our days, he loses me when he starts talking about V-Lans, Subnets, and similar (I’m not even sure I’m spelling those correctly). He also spends nearly all day on the phone/Teams calls, which would make me batty.
Some days, this is my job
https://xkcd.com/722/
Zero chance. My husband is a social worker. On the flip side, the corporate culture at my company would destroy him.
My partner is a philosophy professor and I have never taken a philosophy class, so no. I am not an academic these days but have taught at the high school level in the past. I could do it again if necessary, although I don’t particularly enjoy being in front of a class and really dislike developing assignments and then grading them.
Interesting question! Turning it around, do you think your partner could do your job?
He’s a theoretical physicist so no. I’m very smart and did great in high school and college math and science classes but his brain is on a different level than mine and 99.9% of the world.
You’re married to Sheldon or Leonard?! So cool!
He’s a much nicer person than them! But yes that’s basically his job.
Forgive me, but how is physics theoretical? I thought it was sort of actual and fact-y. [Or why is this adjective here and not in something like chemistry or math?]
I was a mathy science-y person but physics was my Waterloo.
now I’m trying to think of what theoretical math would be
Theoretical math is very much a thing. At the research level the term is usually used to distinguish from applied math. Applied math is things like differential equations, numerical analysis, and probability/statistics. Theoretical (pure) math is things like abstract algebra, topology, and number theory.
Theory is the counterpart to experiment. Theoretical physics build the models and frameworks of understanding, and experimental physics tests those models and provides observations that feed into developing models.
My husband is a former theoretical physicist now computational researcher. I can do rudimentary programming enough to fool myself that I could reach his skill level if I put in the effort, but then sometimes he tells me of a thing he built an I realize I’m running 5ks while he’s Usain bolt.
Oh and the Big Bang theory characters are not completely unrealistic, but they are extreme caricatures. Doh 😉
Theoretical chemistry is absolutely a field!
Interesting! Maybe because a few elements exist sort of theoritically (only in a lab, under certain conditions, and then for a very small window of time)? I clearly don’t know what I don’t know.
Well, a theorist could build a theory that predicts new elements, their makeup and properties, by taking the existing elements, what we know about them and where there are patterns. That skill set is very analytical, understanding data and math or computational tools.
An experimental chemist working on that same problem would of course also have a good understanding of the existing elements, and probably would have a theorist’s prediction that new element XYZ should be possible to make, and should have certain mass and so on. But the skillset of the experimentalist in this case would be to design an experiment to make the target element from some existing elements. The experimentalist brings a ton of hands on knowledge of building apparatuses that facilitate this reaction and allow detection of the fleeting results. These observations, how you can bring together certain elements and how they break apart, then inform theory for further research.
No. We have totally different types of intelligence. He’d do better at my job (research) than I would at his (big data systems engineer).
My guy is a teacher. I volunteer a lot of time and effort. I could not do it as a job. Admin and parents would drive me to violence (not literally, but dang are they infuriating).
You’re not your kids’ friends! It’s ok to have standards! Kids are capable of doing hard things if you let them!
No! He’s an actuary and I’m just not that good at math (or spreadsheets). I do think he could do my job, although I don’t think he’d love all the writing and document work (tax/benefits attorney).
My partner is a realtor, so I think I could do his job. I am a financial planner, so I think he could do my job but I don’t think he would enjoy it, similar to how I wouldn’t enjoy the sales side of real estate but could do it if I needed to.
I don’t have the extensive decade plus education to do my husband’s job. After a decade plus educational path for my own career, my skillset is optimized for my job, not his.
I think it’s dangerous for people to think they can do someone else’s job without understanding the qualifications needed, and the vetting and screening they need to pass through to get to the position they have.
This question could be interpret two ways to me. Could I do my husband’s job right now? No, I don’t understand all the statistical information he deals with. Could I do my husband’s job after receiving the education and training he had? Yes, I think I could learn it if I wanted to and had the time to spend on it.
Husband is Director of an art school within a university. I could do the admin and I am a good instructor, but absolutely could not be the subject matter expert in art. I’m just not that visual. One of my favorite things to do is follow him and an artist friend around a museum and just listen to their conversation, because they are seeing things and discussing them in ways that are completely foreign to me, like what that little fleck of blue paint on a fence post is doing to the whole composition.
My wife is an accountant and I do not love math, so no
I could do my partner’s job. He agrees. He’s said it would take a few weeks to train me, which is what it took to train him. He could not do my job of practicing law. He could probably get admitted to some law school and possibly graduate and practice in some area, but he could not do what I do. It’s fine. He satisfies in other ways.
Heh I know I could do my husband’s job (divorce lawyer) but… no thanks!!
My husband is a doctor in a procedure-based specialty. I believe that people have a lot of capacity, but there are aspects of his job that would be hard for me. I’m not naturally good with my hands (I can train some hand skills but it’s harder for me) and I’m less good with people (i.e. patient contact and also training residents). Similarly, I’m a litigator, and while I could see my husband as a transactional lawyer, I think litigation would be a bad fit for him.
Not even a chance. But I am also confident her couldn’t do mine. He is a physical oceanographer and I am an educator and admin.
Yes but we are both lawyers with the same specialty.
I think that with the appropriate amount of education/training we could both do each other’s jobs on a basic level, but neither of us would thrive or reach each other’s level. Our jobs prioritize different skillsets that we are comparatively better at/enjoy more.
I could easily learn to do my husband’s job. I would never want to. Very boring and detail-oriented. My husband could not learn to do my job and would not want to.
To me the more interesting thought experiment is whether I could learn to do the jobs of other professionals with whom I work, and whether I would want to. There is one high-level job in particular that I think I could learn now but could not have learned when I was in school learning my related job because I was just not in the right headspace. When I was in school I did not pay much attention to this job, but now I observe closely and constantly analyze what the person in that role does. I think I could be good at it if I studied it now, but I am not sure I could ever be great at it. I am ambivalent about whether I would prefer that job to the one I have. My function is related but also very different and what I do is satisfying, if less individually significant.
I’m in the middle of a job search, and it is just so demoralizing to see jobs getting hundreds of applications (according to LinkedIn counter, which I assume does not count what gets submitted directly). Most applications get no response, other that confirmation of submittal, but every once in a while, I will get a rejection. Is the rejection a sign that at least a human looked at my resume?
Same boat. One thing to note is that the application counter is “Clicked Apply” on LinkedIn – so literally everyone who clicked the button that redirects to the application page, regardless of whether they *actually completed the application*.
I don’t think getting a rejection email is correlated with actual human review – I think it *probably* just reflects whether the company has configured auto-rejection emails. So maybe a human looked at it; but also maybe they finalized an internal hire they’d meant to do all along, and when they close the listing it just emails all previous applicants a rejection. On the positive side, that also means that some of the total-radio-silence applications *are* actually getting a human review, they’re just not good at sending out rejections. Don’t read too much into it.
Unfortunately I don’t think so. Some places reject just based on the initial machine read.
I’m sorry. I’m in the same boat. I was laid off a few months ago and have applied to at least 50 jobs I’m well-qualified for and haven’t even gotten a screening interview. I’ve job searched several times before and don’t remember it being this demoralizing. I think a lot of the jobs posted are not really open to random applicants.
Don’t go by what LinkedIn says – it counts the number of people that clicked on the apply link, not how many actually applied.
The guidance from most recruiters is that number just measures the people who click apply not people who complete an application.
It is such a frustrating time to be in job searching. I have applied for some jobs that were basically exactly what I am doing now and I did not even get a screener call so I know I’m just not using the exactly right words for the AI bot.
I’ve also applied for some jobs that felt like a really obvious good fit, and now I can see they’ve been reposted on LinkedIn (fresh, so it resets the post date & application counter) regularly over the last 6 months. So maybe some ai-screener (or hr screener that doesn’t actually understand the field, equally likely) rejected me; but also maybe someone automated posting this role and forgot to turn it off, or the hiring manager knows the headcount is never gonna get approved but can’t give up the hope yet, or maybe it’s all a big scheme to collect text to train their next model. It’s really discouraging.
Job searching is incredibly difficult these days. I lurk on some recruiting subs and they talk about people who just spam job posts without even being remotely qualified. Or lying about needing sponsorship.
When I was laid off last year, I tried to do my best to tailor my resume to the job description. I used Chat GPT a little bit for help with wording, but otherwise I wrote it myself.
I’m not sure what industry you’re in, but you could try working with a recruiting agency. I marked myself as “open to work” behind the scenes on LI without the green banner and have had some recruiters contact me that way.
Try reaching out to your network to see if anyone has job openings at their company.
There’s a site called hiring dot cafe that pulls job postings directly from company sites. It’s much better than navigating through garbage LI job postings.
Good luck!
I have a question regarding social media use. My SO has always been averse to it in all forms. A couple of years ago we started using a couple of platforms just to keep up with various family and organizations, etc. He always says I use it “all the time”. Truth be told I can go days without even opening any of the apps.
He used to mention how he could “tell I was active” so I made it so people can’t see whether I am active or not because I think its weird that anyone would even care if someone is active at any given time. He then said I had “blocked” him, which I did not. A little later he unfriended me.
Now I see that he sent me a friend request on one of the apps and I’m trying to figure out how to react. I have not accepted the request yet. It just feels odd.
Thoughts?
Does he exhibit any other controlling behavior? Because this is a strong yellow flag to me that could easily go into red.
This was my thought. His behavior sounds odd and inappropriate and raised a flag to me.
Seems like an awful lot of micromanaging of your social media use.
If it directly affects him, like he doesn’t want pictures of him posted, or you are taking forever to set up the perfect shot of your meal, or are TikToking while on a date – valid complaints. But just because he thinks you use it a lot? Seems like none of his business.
yeah for someone who is averse to social media, he sure seems rather engaged!
So, technical answer is, the designers at those companies know that people are more likely to use the apps when they think other people are using them, especially people important to them. So they have a lot of incentive to be very “generous” when they’re deciding what counts to mark someone “active”, and it might be as little as “oh, you have the app installed on your phone, and 1x a day it fires up and checks for updates”(without you knowing this)
Relationship answer — my general rule of thumb is that if you’re going to ask an SO to do something differently, you should be able to identify the reason it impacts you – if you just want them to be different because you think they should be different, that’s getting creepy and controlling. And then within that, there’s a sliding scale evaluation of whether the impact & ask is appropriate, given the overall level of seriousness of the relationship. So “Can we have phones-in-bags during our dates?” is an appropriate ask even pretty early in a relationship (of course, you can decide you don’t want to do that and not go on more dates, but it’s not a creepy/controlling thing to *ask*); but “Let’s both give up social media *entirely*” is too much to ask early in a relationship. In a longer, deeper relationship, a big picture conversation about how we want to use social media in our life together might be appropriate.
It sounds like your gut is telling you this guy is on the creepy/controlling half. I’d listen to that.
This is a really weird dynamic for a partner, and feeling like you don’t want to react or accept a friend request from your partner. I’d look at the overall relationship, honestly.
+1 is he always controlling like this?
This is scary.
what the heck is his deal?
how long have you been with him?
Girl, run. The red flags abound in this short narrative.
Yeah, one more vote for that’s super weird behavior and does sound controlling.
Get a divorce. This is controlling and weird.
Such a creepy behavior.
FWIW, and to describe what I would consider “normal”partner behavior: I have way more social media accounts than my husband (he’s not even on WhatsApp or FB Messenger), and he thinks social media is mostly a waste of time and in its worst instances a brainwashing AI content feeder. But aside from making sure I get his consent when posting anything involving him, he has NEVER EVER questioned my usage, activity patterns, or what I consume on those accounts.
To be clear, ever since we have a kid, aside from an annual Mother’s Day or Father’s Day post, we have been very very quiet on all socials, as we do not want kiddo’s pic plastered all over the internet or to feed AI bots.
Thank you all for confirming what I was feeling. FWIW, I have never actually posted anything as I don’t really want any pictures, etc. out there.
There has been a pattern of things that I think falls into a similar category. It definitely helps to hear what others are experiencing.
Big, red flag OP—this is very controlling behavior. At minimum, don’t accept the friend request or block. Listen to your gut and re-evaluate this relationship.
Do you get holiday gifts for colleagues or direct reports? If so any ideas for this year or what was something you received from a boss that you actually appreciated?
Gift cards. Forever and always gift cards.
Money or time off.
+100. Give me four hours off the Wednesday before Thanksgiving without making me charge PTO and I will be so much more grateful than I would be for any Starbucks card.
This. The best boss I had was incredibly flexible with my working hours all year long, and this was the biggest gift of all. The same boss also gave me Visa gift cards and Starbucks gift cards because he knew I actually frequent Starbucks. This was the only boss who has ever given me gifts, and I am also happy to receive no gifts from a boss.
When I started in BigLaw, I was told $100 per year practicing for an assistant holiday present. That would be $800 this year but I decided with some others in my class year to max it at $500, at least until/if I hit partner or something. I still share my assistant pretty broadly.
I just realized I’m not answering the question asked, sorry
$500 from an 8th year is VERY chintzy. If you’re in BigLaw on the East Coast, anyway.
It varies firm to firm. The partners at my firm in DC don’t even give their assistants that much.
Not east coast, TX
No. I think the nicest thing to do is not set any expectations of office gifting. Instead I give people the most flexibility I can.
I work in government and cash giving isn’t the norm, otherwise that’s what I’d do. I just got a new report and I’m taking mental notes about her snacks/drinks and will probably get something along those lines.
For some years I took my staff out for a fancy lunch during December, until I realized that they didn’t really like it all that much. After that I started giving cash+candy, and they seemed to like that way better.
Yes, I’ve been given Starbucks gift cards, chocolate, and candy. I generally prefer consumables so have given baked goods, chocolate, small panettone, fancy hot chocolate. I think this is a know your culture, some places go all out, mine right now does not.
Tell me positive stories about breast biopsies? A mass was picked up on a mammogram/ultrasound. It’s very close to the chest wall so I can’t feel it. Now I need a biopsy. The radiologist said it’s likely a fibroadenoma but I’m very freaked out.
I had one recently and it wasn’t that big a deal physically. I had minimal pain and discomfort, although there was a possible infection that we decided to treat just to be on the safe side because of my medical history. You’ll be okay! Hoping for a good result for you.
I just went thru this. Mine was benign, they are first thought lymph node but it was a cyst! I am 50 with bc family history. The process wasn’t fun but was over quickly and I had a nice nurse and reassuring Dr. I was sore for a few days. Bring a soft bra to wear home.
People told me not to worry which is sort of impossible so I’d set 15 min a day to worry and go down internet rabbit holes. But stopped when time was up.
The majority of biopsies are benign.
Thank you, setting a time limit is a good idea.
Someone here said something alone the lines of, worrying doesn’t change the outcome, but it’s time you won’t get back.
I’ve been keeping it in my head for some health things and it has really helped me stay focused.
Even if it is cancer, it may be highly treatable.
Not positive, but awkwardly funny.
I had one about 10 years ago, on the same day as my first mammogram. The little handout tells you not to wear deodorant, but it does not tell you to WEAR PANTS. I wore a dress, so ended up spending 3 hours standing in a purple thong and Tori Burch heels in the 56 degree while 43 people came in and out to look at my mass on the screen, suggest a sliiiiightly different angle for another mammogram image and then call someone else to look at it agin. The nurse had taken my gown from me because she first thought the edge of it was a shadow on an image. No one offered to give it back and I was so stunned by what was happening that I just stood there shivering while people paraded in and out. So, I hope you have pants to get you through. Mine turned out to be not a big deal, besides the humiliation. I hope your result is even better!
Ha, the instructions for my mammogram specifically said to wear a two piece outfit so people don’t end up in situations like yours!
I’m 30 and I have had 3, all benign.
1 left me quite sore for a few days, the other 2 were easy peasy lemon squeezy.
I’ve had four biopsies, and none were cancerous. I think it’s pretty common to get a callback, and to have the biopsy results be non-events.
The most recent biopsies were earlier this week; the hospital gave me two gel packs for the two biopsy sites. I knew I would want to ice more than that, so I bought these gel packs from Amazon – highly recommend these, or something similar, to use for the first day or two:
https://tinyurl.com/m3y6z8pp
Good luck!
Paralegal and admin both get cash, paid for in equal shares by the other partners that they work for (associstes get credit for the gift but don’t actually pay). Used to be a gift card for a restaurant, but cash just made it easier for all involved.
I joined a new firm recently and I’m being mentored by a partner. I have to carry two laptops for the first time and we were talking about the best way to do this. I currently have a backpack and I’m looking for a new bag. She recommended that I get a tote because it looks more “senior.” I’m worried I will not be able to handle the weight of two laptops in a tote. I’ll be traveling and schlepping across various major cities. I’m short, so I understand that a backpack may look junior on me. What would you do?
I’m with you, I’d rather use a backpack, but if looks and perception are important to your firm then you’ll have to suck it up. Could you do both – use a backpack for travelling but carry a tote for meetings?
Convertible backpack would solve the issue. I like the Rowledge.
I’m not seeing how this is convertible. Looks like the model is just carrying a backpack.
Junior me would have used the tote and hurt my back and shoulders and suffered. Senior me would scoff and think that my work speaks for itself, anyone who judges me for a backpack can [fill in the blank]. But I empathize. If possible, save the tote for when you’re in front of people. Also, avoid a leather tote. They’re so much heavier.
I like Brahmin totes. They are leather and look posh, but are really light weight and have good internal organization. They come in a bunch of different sizes. They don’t look junior like fabric.
I think it depends on the backpack, was she thinking of a regular sporty backpack or the whole idea of a backpack? On the chance that you are in Canada, I’d recommend Poppy Barley (I have one of their leather backpacks and it looks very professional) but they’ve suspended shipping to the US for tariff idiocy. I got a Tumi backpack (I think it’s the Celina) because it’s much lighter and it’s been around the world for a decade and looks like new. I would not put my shoulders and back at risk with two laptops in a tote bag, especially if you add the weight of leather.
I use a backpack for traveling but fold up a longchamp bag. Do you have to carry 2 laptops with you every day?
That Rowledge backpack looks fantastic, I might get it. It doesn’t look as polished as this partner wants though
Can you use a backpack and have a tote ready for when she is present.
I have this specific bag for this purpose. It’s 6 years old and going strong, and no one has ever batted an eye at me carrying it.
https://backpackies.com/bags/ebags-pro-slim
Despite the uninspired brand name, ebags are great.
Buy the bag that works for you. There are plenty of very professional backpacks. Care less about what people think about these tiny things.
I have a coach empire for this. Yes, it is heavy but it does look better than a backpack. When I travel, I use my away tote because it easily slips on my carryon.
After dealing with back problems, I switched to the below.
– Nylon, it’s so much lighter. I’m over leather because it’s so much heavier.
– Backpack, with handles so you carry it when your around people. I used to have a nylon convertible backpack for this reason, but it broke after a few years and the company isn’t around anymore. It would convert to a messenger bag. Now I just carry the backpack by the top handle, and people that don’t like it can lump it.
– can you talk to IT and at least switch one out for an iPad with a keyboard? Make it an ergonomic request. Makes a huge difference
I’m working to build rapport with my newly hired grandboss and welcome any tips to support her and manage her up. I’m a director of my own team.
She speaks in a lot of ideation and visioning, which can be incredibly inspiring. It can also make it challenging to decide upon and explain next steps to take action.
Her style is she likes to talk through ideas with which she’s grappling with the team, but she doesn’t actually want team input or feedback. It’s more of an exercise of naming it with us listening and validating. Then, she makes her decision independent of us. She often doesn’t make it on the call and follows up via email later.
For example, she asks a lot of rhetorical questions like: “Is there a world where…” or “What would it look like…” or “What IS the (xyz) we want to build?”
I recently attended a meeting with her with investors, who threw back “what WOULD it look like?”, asking for more specifics. She seemed surprised at the push back and didn’t have concrete details because she’s used to no one asking clarifying questions, showing curiosity, or suggesting feedback. She left the meeting feeling very frustrated and complained about how it went, thinking the investors were unreasonable and just didn’t get it. Unsurprisingly, the investors declined to move our conversations forward.
I don’t think the group’s questions were unkind, unusual, or rude. Investors have to do their due diligence and ask probing questions to understand, and she was short on details and heavy on potentiality and vision. That lands well with some people, but others need more. I want to help her get there because my team is tasked with securing this revenue, and she is our main spokesperson.
Ooof, that sounds like a pretty impossible situation to be in. Do you know what her past experience is? Does she have a track record of actually doing anything, or just coming up with ideas?
She sounds terrible and unsuited to her role (most roles). I might just let her flunk out.
+1
Realistically, I don’t think there’s much most people can do to help their grand boss develop the ability to talk effectively with investors, and to get the strategic balance between vision and execution right. You might be good at it, but it’s going to be VERY unusual that you can actually help her get there.
So, unpleasant question to think about, but what happens to you and your team if you *don’t* get this revenue, and given that, what actions should you take?
But one possible tactic: I have had reasonable success with just building slides with the info that I *wish* my VP was going to present to the board. Then if I hear him stressing about the presentation at all, I just mention “hey, a while back I made some slides on X, just to explain the project to my team, but maybe they could be useful – happy to send them over if there’s anything you want to steal”. And because they’re good slides, and they’re already very nicely formatted in the correct corporate style, and I happen to know this VP absolutely hates making decks, they’re pretty likely to just drop my section in unedited.
This is not my area, but such a good example of how to have the boss’s back.
hahaha, thanks for the kudos! I actually really needed the confidence boost today and this was so nice to see :)
ARE there answers to those questions?
Some of the funding pitches I have heard in my field were like your Grandboss. We don’t want another company saying they are going to “Change the world…”. We want data. We want a plan.
Ugh. Good luck OP. Can you ride it out and not get to close?
What would you say is the difference between love b * m bing and having an intense attraction/connection?
The words that a love bomber uses. Lots of flattery (you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met) and too much language about connection too soon (I’ve never felt this way about anyone else/I cannot live without you/it was meant to be).
You can have an intense connection and still healthy boundaries. Most people as adults are able to have an intense crush but not triple-text, say ‘you’re my soulmate’ after one date, or shower with gifts.
You can’t really know a person after only a few dates, so any huge declarations of love are love-bombing.
Talking about the future too soon, hyperbole, not seeing you as a human with flaws, but a magical perfect being.
To clarify: talking about the future in the grandiose “someday our grandkids are going to ask about our first date” kind of way and not “what kind of relationship are you lookin for” way
Moving too fast. You can have an intense connection, and still not not go 100mph.
Has anyone purchased silk pyjamas from Silky Silky? I have been trying to find some silk pjs for some time and started getting push adverts from this company. Everything looks good and the prices seem reasonable but they’re still high enough that I don’t want to just take a chance.
Consider Lilysilk. Their items have been great. Not sure of the price comparison.