Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Ponte Pants

220 Comments

1. I have a cold again. I’ve gotten one a month since December and it’s super annoying. My overall habits haven’t changed, so any ideas of how I can boost my immune system?

   1. Are you getting lots of sleep and eating well?

      1. Definitely trying to! I’m getting about 7-7.5 hours a night. I feel like my nutrition is fine? One thing that just occurred to me is that I’m going to a new boutique gym. The surface-level cleaning is fine, but it’s a lot of people packed into a small space. Maybe I’m getting exposed to a lot more than usual.

         1. I don’t belong to a gym anymore, but when I did, I washed my hands there before leaving and I didn’t really get sick. It was a climbing gym too.

         2. I think you found your culprit. So much of this stuff is airborne. By all means knock yourself out with handwashing, but if you’re in an enclosed space with a lot of people during cold season then you’re going to get sick.

         3. I have a small a hepa filter under my desk at work (with timer function so will not accidentally leave it on overnight)

         4. This is why I haven’t gone back to group fitness classes since COVID. Right before the shutdown there was an outbreak of the flu in our YMCA fitness classes and I realized how poorly the rooms were ventilated.

   2. If you’re deficient, which many people are, it’s not a bad idea to take vitamin D. There’s somewhat credible evidence that it can help.

      1. I got sick frequently until I took a blood test and learned that I was Vitamin D deficient. After taking a supplement the number of times I caught a cold decreased drastically.

         1. This is interesting. I added a Vitamin D supplement this fall and haven’t been sick at all this winter, not even a cold, and I have four kids under 10 (aka germ factories)

   3. I take Zicam when I first feel like I’m getting sick. It works for me in that the symptoms don’t turn into a full blown cold.

   4. You could consider taking a multivitamin if you’re worried about potential deficiencies weakening your immunity.

      But generally this is why some people still mask in places where we’re likely to encounter pathogens now that there’s an extra virus going around and now that we know that most respiratory infections are airborne.

   5. I haven’t had a cold since pre covid times (no covid either) and I go to conferences for work about once a month. I credit washing my hands frequently, avoiding hanging out closely when someone appears actively sick, and getting enough rest. I also don’t spend times in overly crowded areas with poor airflow unless I absolutely have to (will go to a small packed restaurant if work demands it but would absolutely choose somewhere else with friends). I’m sure it also makes a difference that I’m not around kids. Personally, I would be looking for a different gym set up.

      1. I also mask when flying

         1. And I keep hand sanitizer in the car and use it religiously when I re-enter from a grocery store or errand. I try to give a regular wash whenever I walk in our home. Was vaccinated for Covid and flu, too. I credit that for being one of only two people on an 8 person team that came back from a February conference without the flu (which was lucky since my husband had scheduled surgery the next week).

   6. This Winter was like this for us as well. There were more things circulating.

      1. +1 – my husband got flu last month and then covid this month… and we barely see anyone (both work from home). we blame the kids and their schools.

   7. Based solely on my own experience – the Zicam immunity gummies really worked for me the last few months. I started taking them when my husband was getting sick right before I was leaving on a girls trip. That same trip, my BFF I shared a hotel room with was coming down with something and when we got home, tested positive for flu. I never got it.

   8. Do you have a kid in daycare? Because I do, and I am told that being sick like this is just par for the course.

      1. No, but I have two kids in school. One started at a new school this year. He usually has a Teflon immune system but has managed to get both pneumonia and the flu this academic year! My conclusion is that high schoolers are as gross as toddlers.

         1. Our hygiene can be impeccable, but if the school cheaped out on ventilation and filtration, the issue is with the air quality.

         2. A new school is often a germfest. I don’t really understand why but somehow the new pool of people leads to a ton of illness. The sickest I’ve ever been was my kid’s first year of daycare but my professor husband’s first year of teaching at his current job was a close second. He gave everything to me, even though he barely got sick himself.

         3. Oof! That’s rough! Wondering if there is a different set of “baseline” germs / immunity for your kiddo’s new classmates.

   9. Maybe you’ve developed allergies?

   10. This won’t help with airborne viruses, but if you are in the habit of touching your face, especially your mouth, retrain yourself not to do that. Don’t touch your lips, don’t chew your nails, don’t put your pen in your mouth, etc.

       1. I definitely don’t do that!

          1. And also don’t touch your eyes!

             1. or your nose….

   11. I feel like in addition to rest, lowering stress levels helps the immune system. I know you can’t control everything, but when people in our family start getting sick, I start mindfully reducing things in my life that stress me out. I would never consider myself a crunchy person, but it’s really helped.

   12. I know people have moved away from this post-COVID, but I still use the hand sanitizer stations at my office and church. Seems to help.

   13. Wear a face mask in crowded places. Yes, even in the gym. They work, at least in my experience. Also, wash hands when you arrive anywhere, e.g., back home after grocery shopping before putting the groceries away, at the office upon arrival from your commute, at the gym when you arrive and when you leave, etc. Good luck!

2. I struggle with distinguishing black work pants from the type of black pants you could wear to a stylish dinner. These look like work pants to me, but I can’t really ID why. Anyone want to help me out? We’re going to Paris next year and I’d love to look better than I currently do (fashion challenged) for nights out.

   1. It may be how it’s styled. With different shoes and a dressy top, I think the same pants would read much differently.

   2. I think terms matter somewhat here: when you say “a stylish dinner” do you mean “a dressed-up dinner in an expensive restaurant”? Or just “I want to feel stylish, even if I’m in a casual place”?

      These particular plants are ponte fabric, which isn’t a good fit for the dressed-up expensive dinner, but could be styled to be worn casually outside of work.

      Fabric, fabric, fabric ( and cut / quality) are going to matter a LOT when it comes to whether a pair of pants can be worn in the dressed-up way to the expensive dinner. And, of course, what kind of top / topper / jewelry / shoes / bag you pair them with.

      1. Agreed, one downside of online shopping is that fabric texture doesn’t photograph well. Black looks black. Ponte in person is going to look more casual.

         I usually wear dresses to a fancy dinner but in the winter I’ll wear pants when it’s too cold for even fleece lined tights. Leather or velvet are my go-tos.

         I’ve seen women in beautiful satin or silky pants and I so want to be that girl but I think I might be too short for the fabric to flow right on me.

         1. Yes, it can be tricky to figure out the texture! I always look at every color/pattern option for a selected item when shopping online so I can get a better sense of the fabric.

   3. It comes down to the fabric.

3. Thank you to everyone who commented on my post yesterday re: tips and tricks for getting through with a broken wrist! It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I am also finding that I have an amazing support system and consider myself very lucky. :)

4. I got my family tickets to go to the top of the Washington monument ages ago for Sunday without realizing it’s peak cherry blossoms. Can any fellow local folks give any recommendations for where to park? I prefer not to metro for various reasons. It looks like there is maybe a garage on 12th? I usually just drive around and do street parking but that doesn’t seem advisable.

   1. I went once years ago and just took Uber, it was a thousand times easier than trying to park.

   2. Don’t drive downtown during the blossoms. It’s a massive pain, parking is difficult at the best of times, and especially on peak blossom weekend. Take an Uber and have them drop you off, or take metro, even if you dislike it.

      1. This. Driving anywhere near the mall or tidal basin during cherry blossoms is a fool’s errand. You’ll pay peak time fees for ride share, but it won’t be that much worse than DC parking costs, so if you must arrive by car, I’d do that.

         1. I once had relatives visit during cherry blossoms. I didn’t think it’d be an issue and sent them to the zoo (from Alexandria) on cherry blossom Saturday. The beltway, the surface streets, everything was an absolute disaster. Take metro, take metro, take metro.

   3. I recommend SpotHero to reserve a spot in a garage. Sorry no recs on which garages. You might want to arrive as early as possible because it will get very busy. Consider printing out the directions to the garage you choose because I have lost cell signal downtown during the busiest peak bloom days. Enjoy it! It’s going to be great weather.

5. The guy who built my house is building another one next door. We have let a lot slide but they continue to ignore the neighborhood’s strict construction rules. I sent him short emails on three different days asking him to fix specific issues (e.g., please remove this large piece of debris from my property). Since he was not responding, I let the neighborhood know so they could deal with it. He gave them excuses but also said I was lying. Then he emailed them again and said he won’t be harassed and he is blocking me. It seemed unhinged. Obviously I won’t be contacting him again, but I am wondering what others would do in this situation.

   1. when you say you told the neighborhood, is it an HOA situation you’re dealing with or something else? what kind of rules are they — is he subject to them?

      1. It’s complicated but there’s an HOA and it’s still under developer control. My understanding is that all builders are subject to the rules and the developer told him as much. The rules say homeowners should contact the builder with issues which is why I started there, and because we have an existing relationship with him that I thought was cordial.

   2. Document everything and report to the city if he’s violating codes.

   3. Fence with camera pointing at the fence for when it inevitably gets knocked over or damaged.

      1. I am not generally a fan of home cameras, but a rude builder who considers polite requests to follow the rules harassment is a good situation for a camera.

      2. i’d agree with this, and possibly a sprinkler that reaches your property line. if a fence is too expensive could you delineate your space in a clear way, like with flags or those driveway markers?

   4. Your HOA may have a relationship with him and there is financial interest in getting it built fast. Can you complain to your city or village? Our village would shut down any activity outside of approved hours stat (we were on the receiving end when a crew when late one night and giving end with a different neighbor). They also have the power to check permits and make sure the area is properly secured and will generally do that on a visit as well.

   5. Contact your local code authorities.

   6. I’d start talking to law enforcement if he’s leaving stuff on your property or blocking you from using your property.

6. What are the popular paint colors these days? I’m repainting my downstairs, which has a fairly open layout. I’m kind of over gray, beige, and greige – but what else do people choose?

   1. I chose a saturated teal and terracotta for my downstairs a couple of years ago, but I love colour and it was my first ever chance to decorate (first purchase after renting for many years) so it’s not for everyone. I’m about to colour drench the bedroom a dark jewel tone, but I’m a bit late to that. I think the coming trend is colour but in softer, more muted, slightly greyed tones. I would grab a couple of glossy interiors magazines and flick through to see what you like – my Living Etc and House & Garden (UK magazines, local equivalents are available) magazines both had big features on trends in the last issue or two.

      1. I don’t think they’re available in the US but I’d look at the Lick colours/review pictures for inspiration if you want colour.

         I put foresty green in our tiny dining room and terracotta in the sitting room, with some accents that tie them together (used the green paint for the wooden fireplace surround) as they are through an archway.

   2. No idea if it’s “popular” but we chose warm white 5 years ago and still love it.
      Sheron Williams Cotton White or Simply White

      1. My apartment is Benjamin Moore Chantilly Lace and it’s the perfect white – not too cold, not too warm, not grey, not yellow.

         1. My trim and cabinets are Chantilly Lace. Great white. Most of my walls are the old standard Benjamin Moore White Dove–it’s an old standard for a reason.

         2. I’m having my kitchen and guest bedroom/bathroom remodeled. I am a neutrals gal and found that the brighter white shades are what’s speaking to me now. They just finished the painting — Benjamin Moore Simply White on the walls, Chantilly Lace on the ceilings, doors, and trim. I love it.

            I looked at Benjamin Moore White Dove for the walls and liked it, too, but it has a bit of gray in it, which didn’t work with my cabinets and tile.

         3. My entire apartment is also this color and I absolutely love it but I’m all about the neutrals.

   3. I don’t know if it’s popular for living spaces as opposed to bedrooms, but my living room is Sherwin Williams Sea Salt and I love it. Ostensibly it’s a green paint, but it looks more blue to me on walls and in no way resembles what it looks like online. It’s a color that very much changes with the light. (the rest of my downstairs is a more boring Sherwin Williams sand beach)

      1. It’s a beautiful color and neutral enough that I think you could use it in main living areas, too. I have it in my office and laundry room. My sister used it in her primary bedroom. It looks different in all three areas; that’s one of the things I love about it!

      2. I have loved this color for a decade but have not had a good space for it. When we tried it on north-facing walls it looked very dull and gray. We are redoing our south-facing master bathroom now and I plan to use it.

         On that point, test out any paint you think you like with swatches. Colors that look great on one side of your house may look awful on the other!

         1. So true! Years ago, a friend used an amazing gray/green for her entire open living area. I loved it, so I used the same color in a bedroom.

            It. was. terrible. I’m assuming because the light was different. Only time I’ve ever painted an entire room and then immediately went out and bought a different color and repainted the whole thing.

            1. I have a warmer green shade in the bedroom for the same reason. I don’t want the walls to look gray in the wrong light. It’s sort of a warm, not cool, sage green. It looks great in every light, and not gray.

   4. My preference has always been for a warm white, even during the gray trend years, or the blinding white years, or the builder’s beige years. I want my house to look like there is sunlight somewhere. (The heart likes what it likes!).

      Take a look at the Emily Henderson Designs blog. She’s had a couple of posts lately on the green and blue paints she likes to use, with lots and lots of examples of rooms. Looking at the rooms and posts will give you a feel for whether you’re drawn to those colors or react against them. (Knowing what you don’t like is super helpful.)

   5. Benjamin Moore Gentelman’s Gray. it’s a rich dark blue color. I also have a room with a burgundy accent wall but I don’t remember the name.

   6. Green is the new gray. I’m seeing sage everywhere. I just painted our nursery a brighter version of sage – still muted/neutral but happier than gray-green tends to be.

      Dark (“saturated” is the term I keep seeing) colors seem to be on the rise. I love the idea of a dark emerald but I’m hesitant to pull the trigger. I think you need a really bright space with a lot of windows, or an intentionally dark space like a bathroom and then add wall art and lighting to make it look relaxing rather than closed in.

   7. in an open layout I feel like it’s hard to do anything but gray and white and beige but maybe that’s me. if I really wanted to commit to one color I’d probably do a light blue — if you go to sherwin williams they have placards with their most popular colors, maybe something there would appeal. reiss witherspoon used to have her home done up with all sorts of different blue patterns but in the same colorway so it was cohesive but fun, maybe look at some of those magazine articles?

   8. Definitely not the mint green and maroon my home’s former owners used in colorblock fashion throughout the entire main level.

   9. The first level of my house, which is pretty open, is a warm and soft butter yellow. It is neutral enough to go with pretty much anything but doesn’t give the cold vibe of gray.

      1. I associate butter yellow with cheap rentals.

         1. I don’t think you’ve lived in truly cheap rentals then. Cheap rentals are stark white, usually with steaks in the paint because they use a super thin paint.

            1. STREAKS not steaks lol. Mmm steak….

            2. lol, landlords would absolutely paint right over that left-behind steak!

      2. This sounds lovely – I also love that color!

   10. Ditto the comment about green being the new gray. Lots of mid-tone greens and blues right now.

       When we moved into this rental, the leasing company gave us a choice of 4 neutrals: butter yellow, light gray, white, and mid-tone beige. We went with the beige – adds color to the walls and feels classic.

   11. For our bright rooms, we chose Linen White – it reads as a beautiful warm white. For darker spaces it can read as “landlord white” aka a bit dingy.

   12. We have Sherwin Williams “Harbor Haze” throughout, it is a soft, light blue that changes with the light. We aren’t neutral people and painting with colors makes me happy.

   13. Take a look at Benjamin Moore, Minced Onion

   14. Sherwin Williams Westhighland White is my go-to for warm white/cream wall color in eggshell; it looks good in all light and as a background for all art. Sherwin Williams Greek Villa, in semi-gloss, is my go-to for painting masonry (like painting out red brick fireplaces. Duron shell white (a discontinued color, I think) is my go-to for trim, in semi-gloss (you’ll need to get a color match from Home Depot or Sherwin Williams or Benjamin Moore). Obviously, these are not color colors, but are very easy on the eye and easy to work with, decor-wise. Good luck!

7. Since there’s been a lot of discussion on passports I wanted to share. My husband just renewed his passport online (you can take a photo at home on your phone and upload it!). It took 9 days from submitting to having his new passport arrive. We are in Northern Virginia.

   1. Wait, I need to know more about the photo part, is there a special app?

      1. ok I read this and just did it but it didn’t ask for my photo!! Now I’m curious why.

      2. No, it was just a photo taken on an iPhone. I did adjust the coloring a bit (in the iPhone app) because his first photo’s background wasn’t white enough. Then it’s just the state department website – they automatically analyze the picture and if it doesn’t pass they tell you to upload a new one. (wistful sigh for Biden-era funding for actually improving government efficiency).

   2. We recently renewed our kids’ passports and had a similarly positive experience — it took less than a months to get their new passports, and then about a week later for their old ones to be returned. I was pleasantly surprised. That said, it was tough to get an appointment; our local POs were booking out months in advance.

      1. Yep, I applied for a new passport for my daughter in January and it arrived less than three weeks later. We did it just before Inauguration Day, though, so good to hear this is still the case

   3. I applied online for a new passport in December 2024, and received the new passport about three weeks later, which was pretty good timing smack in the middle of the holiday season. I got a digital passport photo at CVS and uploaded that one (rather than trying to take a selfie on my iPhone). I paid extra for FedEx delivery of the passport. Definitely renew you passports when you hit the nine-year mark (they are valid for ten years, generally), so that if you need to travel in the last year of validity, you won’t run into the requirement of six or more months’ remaining validity on the passport.

8. Can you put up a temporary fence along that property line? Something like the temporary snow drift fences – thin metal posts with orange plastic mesh hung on the posts. Annoying, will cost you time and some money, but they’d also be a bright obvious boundary to keeping construction activity and debris from your yard while also protecting your grass and other landscaping.
   I’d also consider a bland, matter of fact tone email to the neighborhood letting them know you are taking this step to keep your yard free of debris and in an effort to keep things cordial with the construction team. If permission for a fence is typically required in your neighborhood, seek an expedited ruling and include a copy of his email.

   *Check first to see if you have any covenants which give the developer temporary construction easements or rights to your property. If so, read carefully and understand if and how those rights are being used and/or misused during the construction of the neighboring house.

9. My father-in-law’s 70th birthday is today, and my husband forgot. He lives far away and we have infrequent contact and visits with him for reasons, and my husband is expecting a guilt trip (which is honestly fair imo) for not sending a gift which he is now trying to avoid. Is there anything that can be delivered to him in Hunterdon County, New Jersey today on short notice? I was thinking a bakery or something to send him a cake. I kind of joked that he’d appreciate a pastrami, but I don’t think we can get him anything from his favorite Katz’s today.

   1. I’m sorry but it’s your husband’s job to fix this, not yours.

      1. Oh yes, totally agree it’s his problem and I’m not feeling guilty or responsible! However, I do like helping him if I can every once in a while…

         1. He has google and a brain yes? When I forgot a relatives birthday recently I typed their address into Google maps and then clicked on nearby businesses until I found one with goods that the relative would like and had same day delivery. Gosh men suck, just do some g*d damn labor.

            1. That kind of attitude will definitely make for a loving and satisfying long term relationship. Sometimes we help our partners out. It’s called caring. Try it out, it may do wonders for your personal life.

            2. seriously- there are many of us out here who want to pitch in and help their spouses. Like they do for us when we’re swamped and forget something. Relationships can actually be pretty great.

            3. Some couples operate as a unit. It’s not useful to shame them–I try to emulate them.

            4. Healthy couples help each other out. I’m sorry if that’s not your experience.

         2. That is lovely, OP. I am lucky that my DH and I often pick up the slack for the other as well.

   2. It might sound silly but I recently send my Dad a bouquet of flowers for a similar guilt trip feeling situation. And he really appreciated it. Lots of flower shops also deliver actual house plants now like lilies or a fern, that might be a good option in this scenario.

      1. I read somewhere that the first time most men get flowers is their funeral. I think a flower arrangement, or maybe even planted greens in a basket, would be lovely.

   3. Fruit bouquet?

   4. Is he the sort to have someone taking him out to dinner, or might he be on his own this evening? If so, you could DoorDash him a nice dinner.

   5. Good ideas from others here. I’ve also used Amazon same day delivery for pick me ups if there is something specific you know he would like (mom was sore from something and sent her an electric blanket for your feet thing once)

   6. Instacart is everywhere pretty much? Cake and flowers or garden plant from Costco/grocery store?

   7. I always instacart or DoorDash treats to people on their birthdays.

   8. Italian pastries?

   9. Thanks everyone! We have a solution – Katz’s box is arriving next week, and we’re doing a houseplant delivery today (he’s apparently out of town this weekend so having food come next week looks like it’s almost on purpose, ha!). Happy Friday, always grateful for the community here!

   10. Yikes yikes yikes on any adult guilt tripping anyone else over not sending a birthday gift. Especially a parent to a child!!! We don’t even send our parents gifts for birthdays… we send cards (that are sometimes late) and call them.

       For your question, can you DoorDash him a nice dinner? Or email a gift card to a favorite restaurant

       1. whatever, yikes. It’s a know your family thing. Mine doesn’t do presents but some families do.

          1. Yes, I know families do presents. But I am constantly surprised in these comments by the tit-for-tat expectations people have for their relationships. Like, your parent is going to shame you for sending a late birthday gift…and you think that’s normal?

             1. I’ll bite. My family is big on gifts. They won’t shame you but you’ll see/feel/know the disappointment if you don’t get a birthday or Christmas gift for them. They’re very generous and good gifters so I get why they’d be hurt and I make a big effort to honor their preferences. There’s a lot of different ways to show love. And you know what? Gifts can actually be a lot of fun.

       2. Agree this is not welcome behavior! Certainly not anything we’d ever try to do with our own children, or anyone else for that matter. We have bigger problems to deal with, though, and if we can throw money at this to avoid the annoyance, I’d rather just do it and get on with my weekend :)

       3. Eh, this is so family specific. If birthday gifts are expected and DH has known this for the last 30 or whatever years, then he’s an AH for not taking care of the sooner.

          1. Omg he’s not an AH, sometimes people just forget.

             1. Y’all are getting really offended by how another family chooses to operate and that is weird.

   11. Sounds like you’re set now but The Fudge Shoppe in Flemington has the best chocolate covered fruit ever. We always go there were in town, we’ve never found anything else like it anywhere. In particular we love the chocolate covered pineapple! So fresh and juicy and delicious.

10. Cross posting from the mom’s site- Does anyone have a cooler bag that they love for taking to the pool in the summer? We live in Houston where it gets hot and often spend the day at our neighborhood pool. Something large enough for a family of 4 and that’s not too hard to schlep.

    1. depends how cold you want to keep things but i really like the very large cooler bags you can buy at sam’s club for like $10. great for groceries but i could also see them being great for as a cooler beach bag.
       https://www.samsclub.com/p/mm-insulated-shopper/prod21450107?xid=plp_product_1

       we also have a hard-sided cooler we got from costco years ago that we use if we’re traveling; i don’t like schlepping it places but it keeps things from getting squooshed.

       1. Yes definitely want soft sided. Should’ve included that

    2. The Titan one from Costco. It keeps things cool for a very long time, collapses down, and has some extra pockets and such.

    3. Yeti. There is a reason everyone has it.

    4. We have the REI-brand cooler backpack and love it. It looks nicer than the Yeti version and is cheaper. Their big sale is going on now too if you’re a member.

    5. I have a rolling one I got from TJ Max years ago that I adore. I can fit 2 bottles of wine plus enough picnic foods for a group of 4 adults to have a light meal. I love that it rolls; the park that has outdoor concerts is up a hill and it would be tough to schlep heavy stuff up there. But it’s also soft sided and lightweight so it’s easy to carry a few hundred feet across a field.

    6. We got the Core backpack last summer and use it so so much. the magnetic close over is key, and like half the price of a yeti. https://www.coreequipment.com/products/24-can-backpack-cooler

11. Anyone here a trailing spouse who followed their partner to move to some less than desirable location (think moving from NYC to Ohio) because of partner’s job? Did your marriage survive?

    1. no offense but if you’re asking this question before you’ve even moved i’d worry about the stability of the marriage anyway

       1. Counterpoint from someone whose marriage didn’t survive this:

          There is tremendous pressure for people to love for their spouse’s job, especially in academia. The assumption is that it’s so hard to get that type of work, of course you make the sacrifice.

          That’s crap straight from the 1950s, but it’s academia, so they don’t want to admit how utterly regressive and patriarchal it all is.

          1. Move not love….

          2. I’m not clear on what you’re proposing instead. Academic institutions should only hire locally? Academics should be celibate like in the good old days?

             I’m also not clear on how this is patriarchal when the academic spouse is the wife (which is not rare).

             1. It’s not rare, but anecdotally, academic women are way more likely to be married to academic men and these days universities do a pretty good job of accommodating dual career faculty couples, so it’s way less likely for men to be the “trailing spouse” in the conventional sense, e.g., struggling to find a job and community in the small college town.

             2. It also rolls both ways, I have a few friends who are professors and their husbands are the trailing spouses.

             3. Trailing husbands are very common. Now that remote work is a thing it seems like it would be much less difficult for trailing spouses with white-collar jobs to maintain their careers than it was even five years ago.

             4. I’m proposing that people who go into academia contemplate the effect on their marriages, and that universities also figure out how to better accommodate trailing spouses.

                I went into a geographically flexible job. Those who don’t should be aware that it will cause harm to their marriages.

                And honestly? For most schools and most professors, yeah, hiring local-ish is probably going to be good enough. Is it really so important that a school in Nebraska import a candidate form Florida and that the school in Florida import the candidate from Iowa?

             5. It’s not the school’s job to worry about where it hires from. It’s the candidates’ job not to apply for or not to accept jobs that are unacceptable.

    2. So a colleague of mine, her bestie actually was in this situation with moving from NYC to Ohio, but it was for her job. I moved from the east coast NYC/Philly/DC to TX for DH’s job and while I’m still in a big city it’s very different than what I’m used to. Granted this is our second move for his job and the first was not great but we learned from our mistakes. If you’re going to resent DH forever bc of this move your marriage will be challenging.

    3. I made an almost identical move and our marriage got wrecked.

       Super hot take: it’s a bad idea. The people in the marriage are more important than the job, and even if you derive a lot of satisfaction from it, your job isn’t the right job if it immiserates your spouse.

       1. I agree the people in the marriage are more important than a job…but can’t that apply the opposite direction? If you love your spouse you will make the marriage work in whatever location?

          1. No. You aren’t entitled to your spouse making massive sacrifices for you and you alone. The job needs to benefit the entire family AND someone be okay with making those sacrifices.

          2. These decisions are usually made jointly. My husband and I decided together which graduate degrees I’d pursue, where I would go to grad school, and how we would prioritize competing career demands given the realities of both our fields. The prioritization shifted over the years in response to various factors.

             1. Exactly this. What bothers me is the default assumption that if someone wants to go into academia, OF COURSE the spouse will pack up, move, and sacrifice.

    4. I’m a military spouse, so…yes. Several times. FWIW, husband was not military when we married, so this was not my expectation going into our relationship.
       This sounds like exactly the scenario that couples face all the time when it comes to making decisions as a dual working couple. Does a move make sense for each of you individually, and for you both as a couple? Those are the questions I’d be asking, not whether a marriage can survive in a less exciting location.

    5. Military spouse here. Locations have included Kentucky, Louisiana, Kansas, Delaware, and Texas.

       With the rise of remote work and cooperative licensing agreements, many more spouses are able to maintain their careers, so I feel like officer spouse satisfaction is higher than it used to be. (I can’t speak to enlisted spouse satisfaction.)

       I hate this cliche (and it is everywhere in the military), but locations are what you make of them. I actually really enjoyed Kansas – fun antique shops; different scenery than any my east coast self was used to; low cost of living – so it was cheap to go out and get a pancakes and bacon breakfast on Saturday morning. But I won’t sugarcoat it – some locations just don’t have much going for them. That’s when you learn how to drive 90 minutes away to the next desirable town that you actually wished you live in. And make friends where you can – they can make a crappy location a million times better.

    6. if you’re going to just be bitter and resentful that you were taken from your natural habitat then of course it won’t go well.

    7. yes, I’m married to an academic, so I’m a trailing spouse and so are most of my friends here. I will caveat by saying academia is a bit better than the military. You don’t get to choose where you move but you can exclude certain locations. When he applied for tenure-track jobs, I didn’t let my husband apply in the non-Atlanta deep south or outside the US (as fun as living in Europe sounded, we had no idea if I could work there and I wasn’t ready to make the leap to stay at home wife). In hindsight, I sort of regret not moving abroad, but this was before Trump and we had no idea what was about to happen to the US politically. We did end up in a red Midwest state not super close to a major city, but I didn’t consider it all that undesirable, because I happily grew up in a similar place and my parents were a ~6 hour drive away at the time (they’ve since moved to our city). We were also very ready to move to a LCOL area (we’d been living in a VVHCOL area), and the move has given us a lot of financial freedom since our VVHCOL area savings went so much farther here. The move ended up pretty much derailing my career, but it would have been easier today when remote work is more of a thing.

       But yes academia is gross and patriarchal. I’ve posted this before but my husband’s PhD advisor advised him to ignore my restrictions and apply abroad, since Europe is a big hotspot for his research area, and told him “It’s much easier to find a new wife than it is to find a tenure-track job.”

       1. I know academics with this attitude. It usually is a self-fulfilling prophecy for them, of course.

       2. This is really funny (“funny”) because I briefly long distance dated an academic who lived in an area he hated where he could not meet anyone. We met while on vacation. It’s been years so I don’t know if he found a partner, but it wasn’t looking great.

          1. My last employer was academic-adjacent and located in a college town. We had a terrible time recruiting for in-person positions partly because there was no local dating pool.

    8. I think there’s a big difference.

       Is this like the military or residency where you have to live there for a limited amount of time? Or is it like academia where you will be stuck in this bad place forever?

       For short-term I think you make the best of it and lean into good travel, etc when you can.

       Academia is much harder especially if it’s a truly bad place with no opportunities for you. Marriage should be about building a life together that works for both parts of the couple.

       1. On the other hand, being an academic spouse is easier because you don’t have to keep moving and can build a life and career. I didn’t move for my husband’s postdoc (we did long distance, which was pretty easy due to the flexible nature of his job) so I only made one move, but even if I’d moved for every new job he took it would have only been two moves total. And we were settled in our permanent location before we had kids, so they’ve never had to move. I actually would have had a much harder time signing up for military spouse life where you move frequently and have to uproot kids away from friends and schools and sports teams. Even if some of the locations were objectively more desirable, the constant moving would have made my quality of life a lot worse overall.

    9. Yes, we’ve moved three times, once for my job, once for his job, and once to be closer to my family. Our marriage has stayed strong the whole time, but at least one of those locations was awful, which is why we kept moving, and that’s taken a toll on being able to develop other friendships and ties to a community. It’s probably made us even closer, though. There’s nothing like surviving multiple cross country moves and repeatedly living in a place where you know nobody and nothing to make you feel like a team. They say novelty is good for a marriage, and we haven’t had to go out of our way to find that!

    10. A friend’s husband relocated with her due to her job and hated it. He actually relocated to the area he grew up but still really hated it. It was hard on their marriage and 2-3 years later they moved back to his preferred city.

        Another friend relocated from NYC to the Midwest for her husband’s job (similar to the move you are describing) and is happy. Their deal was that she could fly back regularly to the east coast, which she continues to do (even after having kids).

        I will say that I think a lot of this is personality dependent. Some people care a lot about the place they live in (e.g., see my first friend’s husband, who was absolutely miserable after moving to a city he grew up in, closer to his parents, and where 10 of his good friends lived and got to keep his prior job and work remote) and some people are not as impacted by it (e.g., my friend who moved to the Midwest is happy to just go with the flow). So I think it’s really person dependent on whether a marriage can survive it.

        1. I think this does have a lot to do with personality and extended family culture. I grew up in a family where almost no one lived in the same state as any other relative, so I was used to my parents having friends who were like family and saw how people created those relationships. In my big city, I know people who are absolutely miserable that they can’t live in the same town where they grew up and miss all of their childhood friends who still live there.

    11. I think it depends on what you signed up for. If you married an academic or someone in med school, it’s the price of admission and hopefully you discussed all this ahead of time. If it’s just a promotion or regular work opportunity then it’s a conversation where both of you should hold veto power.

    12. Its always women sacrificing. We’re supposed to smile while eating the sh*t sandwich.

        1. if it makes you feel any better, my husband moved twice based on my career; a decision that his parents resented greatly at the time. Ultimately it’s been amazing for his career, and he makes twice what I make due to him being in tech.

        2. I posted above, but my husband also moved twice for me and I know a lot of other women with trailing spouses. It absolutely goes both ways, though maybe not quite equally yet.

        3. I know a man who is in software engineering and refused to leave – I kid you not – Amarillo TX. He got a job in Amarillo so there they would stay, and it didn’t matter that his wife wanted to go to DFW or Austin or Houston, where she could find work in her preferred field.

           They divorced a decade later. Maybe he could have gotten a software engineering job in DFW and the kids wouldn’t have to have divorced parents.

        4. Ok that is ridiculous. It is not always the woman who moves (speaks the daughter whose family moved multiple times – pretty equally split between Dad’s military service (non-optional because the draft existed when he graduated from college) and Mom’s education and career pursuits).

           It is in fact no longer the 1940s and women actually have jobs and careers that matter to them and to their spouses.

           1. For real.

    13. I’m the academic, he moved from Europe to the US. He’s hated everywhere we’ve ever lived for the first 18mos or so… but we’ve been in the bay area for almost a decade and aren’t going anywhere at this point.

        It was easier to move when we were younger and less settled.

    14. Is it more a one time thing, or is it a career where frequent moves are expected?

        I knew couples in frequent-moves-expected careers (international development) that alternated which spouse drove each move, and seemed happy with the arrangement

    15. I have. Many years ago, we moved from a lively metropolitan area in a European country to a smallish town in the Midwest (my spouse is in academia). So, two-and-a-half culture shocks at once (bigger to smaller city, EU to US, coastal/urban to somewhat rural).

        Our marriage has survived, and we’ve added more life changing experiences (having kids, buying a house, changing jobs, health issues that require pandemic precautions etc).

        I credit our successful marriage to our general compatibility when it comes to the big things. We bicker and get annoyed with each other on small daily issues, but when it comes to the big picture, we are always a team and support each other.

        We also had some prior experience uprooting our lives, moving within Europe, which helped the big transition to the US.

    16. I did this and six years later (and three jobs because I haven’t been able to find the right one) I’m deeply resentful and angry. Do not recommend.

12. Any tips for getting rid of toenail fungus? I’ve waisted a year with a topical my derm prescribed that did nothing. Went to a podiatrist that is doing laser and a topical and drilled considerably to remove nail bed. I’m paranoid about not reinfecting and wanting desperately to finally get the healed.

    1. This healed

    2. My grandparents swore by Vicks Vapo-Rub under the toe nail 🙃

    3. This happened to my husband and nothing cured it until he took pills – the topical stuff did nothing. Also, be sure you aren’t reinfecting yourself with your shoes.

       1. Yep, my husband had to take pills for 3 months!

       2. Both the derm and podiatrist said the pills will cause liver damage. I’m healthy (no liver problems or other health issues). I said chance of liver damage? And podiatrist cut me off and said WILL do some damage. So neither would prescribe.

          1. I wonder which pills they mean. I thought liver damage was a rare issue with e.g. fluconazole, not a certainty!

             1. Me too. My derm said they don’t even do blood tests to monitor the liver any longer. She was careful to warn me off any alcohol.

             2. I’ve done two rounds of the pills after topicals didn’t work. Several years between each round. Round 1: would only give me 45 days and a mandatory liver test before and at halfway point, and a warning about drinking alcohol. Round 2, 1 year ago: gave me the full 90-day supply, no liver tests, and said a little alcohol was OK. Both times, I gave up alcohol for the full 90 days. No signs of liver damage yet. Anecdote/= data, as always. :)

    4. I have tried several over the counter products that I applied religiously for years and two different prescription drugs and nothing worked. I gave up after that.

    5. I wasted my time with the same type of topical and I think actually made it worse. I’ve healed one toenail w Vicks. Working on the rest.

    6. I used the topical “nail polish” ciclopirox (is that what you tried?) for 1 year, and it worked. But I think it really only works if you have very little fungus. And like you, I suspect that once it has been down in the nailbed, it is very difficult to get rid of it completely and it will eventually come back.

       The pills do have more potential side effects, but are probably the most effective.

    7. Vicks VapoRub apparently works!! Multiple derms on IG are citing a medical journal article: “Novel Treatment of Onychomycosis using Over-the-Counter Mentholated Ointment: A Clinical Case Series”
       Though you have to apply once a day for A YEAR though….So slow and steady wins the race.

    8. I saw a podiatrist who treated it with laser, and it has been gone for years. It took multiple treatments. It hurts for a second or two when they heat the nail with the laser, but then it’s fine.

13. Does anyone use any of those produce saver containers in their fridge? Do they actually work? Also as i try to eliminate plastics from my kitchen, I’ve only been coming across plastic ones…

    1. I have a set of Rubbermaid ones and I think they do work, but I rarely remember to use them.

       1. I have these and they work.

    2. I have them, but I think they’re most valuable for greens. If you join a CSA or grow your own lettuces then it’s worth it. Maybe berries, too. Otherwise, meh.

    3. No, but I do use beeswax wraps for things like covering half a lemon in a glass bowl or wrapping freshly cut herbs.

       What produce do you want to save? It seems to me that the various specialty storage contraptions are just solutions in search of problems. Learning when to wash, how to best wrap or ventilate, and understanding what should go in the fridge or stay at room temp is more helpful for making your produce last than is accumulating kitschy containers.

       1. Also, just, not buying more food than you can use before it goes bad. Keeping it visible in the fridge so you don’t forget to use it.

          1. Busy people who want to cook real food at home but don’t have time for multiple grocery store trips each week can really benefit from these containers. The containers are also great for keeping leftover produce fresh until you can figure out a way to use it up. Like if I use half a bunch of scallions in a dish, the container will keep them fresh for as long as a week so I can use them up a few days later instead of having to plan the very next day’s menu around 45 cents’ worth of scallions.

14. I had planned on driving my 11 year old Honda that has 190K miles until it died. But now I am worried that it will die and cars will be either unavailable or unaffordable due to tariffs. Should I pull the trigger soon? My plan was to look for a gently used Lexus or Acura this time around rather than a new Camry or Accord.

    1. I think prices have already jumped a bit in response to the tariff threat, so I would probably hold the line if I were you.

       1. I don’t know about used cars, but I purchased a new car last week and prices hadn’t risen yet.

    2. i will say i had almost the exact same thought, but i think we’ve still got another 5 good years on our 2016 car and i’m hoping tarriffs at least will have resolved by then. even if we’re in an autocracy he probably will have figured out that tarriffs aren’t good?

       1. i’m in a similar situation with 150 on a subaru outback. i’ve decided to ride it out as long as i can.

    3. I would get a new car now. The used car market is still strong, so you can get a good price for it.

       My one caveat: look closely at how the tariff regs are written. Many Hondas are manufactured in America; in fact, the world’s largest Honda engine plant is in Ohio.

       1. Me too. At a minimum I’d look.

    4. When I read “11 year old Honda” I thought “oh you’ve got another decade easily” but that’s high mileage for its age. I just sold a 25 year old Camry that ran beautifully, but it only had 175k miles. You probably still have some time though.

       1. Yeah, how do you put that many miles on a car in 11 years?!

          1. That’s only a little over 17k miles per year. I drive nearly 20k a year (45 min commute to work one way) and know plenty of other people who do. It’s not that unusual.

             1. Before the pandemic I put 30K miles a year on my car. I could usually get about 220K out of them before their problems got too expensive to be worth fixing.

          2. I have 50k on my two year old car. I drive a lot.

          3. I don’t even know because I work mostly from home although I do have to drive around the state sometimes. I did work work 30 miles from my house between 2015-2019 though.

    5. Our usual plan is to drive the car 200K+ miles until it falls apart and then just go out and buy a new one. After watching several friends wait months for the cars they wanted over the past few years, we decided to go ahead and buy a new car when we found the one we wanted last fall even though the old car was still running. In your shoes I would worry that prices and availability would only get worse in the future, and that availability of repair parts and the cost of repairs might also become an issue, so I’d buy a brand-new Honda or Toyota (i.e., a car that won’t break down for a long time) ASAP.

       1. Or Subaru. Those cars are like tanks!

          1. I had a 2012 Subaru that was a total lemon with lots of recalls and other issues. Never again.

15. I have to make a return to Ulta this weekend (happy returns) – any makeup favorites that i should check out? i’m almost never in store. i have merit and westman atelier on my list if they sell those…

    1. I love all things Merit. Highly recommend.

    2. Unfortunately Ulta doesn’t sell Merit, but Sephora does. I’m not sure about Westman Atelier.

       I personally like the Ulta brand products and I would check to see if they had Versed makeup in store, since I’ve been wanting to try it out and it seems very similar to Merit but at a lower price point. I would also stock up on any drugstore brands that I like to get the Ulta points and because they usually have a wider range than Target does, for example. Like I love the La Roche Posay lip balm but I only find it at Ulta.

16. is anyone familiar with the fit on natalie martin dresses? i’m obsessed with the sea glass print.

17. What shoes should I be wearing with shiny denim pants, e.g.:

    https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/High-Rise-Coated-Skinny-Jeans/570330079?inseam=regular&sizeType=regular&color=001&size=10&sem=pmax&utm_campaign=WHBM_PLA_GG_Markdowns_Pmax&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_content=xx17433949332&ogmap=MP-SEM|MP-PLA|GOOG|PMAX|MULTI|SITEWIDE||||17433949332||&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwkZm_BhDrARIsAAEbX1EnedYsT0rmcTxMSKW-AuPhkSGfeFXkHYtKAAZoLsXxWTEm3WmyPksaAkNnEALw_wcB

    Are black ankle boots ok?

    1. I wouldn’t wear ankle boots with a skinny pant like that. I like the shoes they’re showing in the pics.

       1. Same. I’d probably skip those pants too.

    2. Those pants look really dated imo.

    3. Those pants were trendy like a decade ago, complete with ankle boots. Would not purchase new now.

18. I just can’t do ponte pants with a blazer. They look like sweatpants.

    1. Lol they definitely do not.

    2. You must be wearing some fancy sweatpants!

       1. It’s stretchy knit fabric that sags and bags with an elastic waist. How is that not sweatpants?

          1. Agree. I wear them daily for this reason. I don’t try to pair them with more structured pieces like a blazer or button down.

          2. The elastic waist is covered and smooth and the fabric neither sags nor bags. I have a similar pair and they look nothing like sweatpants either when I put them on or after a few wears.

             They are less dressy than formal trousers but a universe away from sweatpants.

    3. I never wear ponte pants, they just don’t look polished to me.

       1. Agreed — ponte always looks cheap to me.

19. For those of you who got most of what you wanted in life – do you still have goals?

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