Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Half-Sleeve Merino Ribbed Sweater
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Uniqlo is a great source for well-priced basics, and this short-sleeved sweater is right on the money. I find the website a little annoying to navigate sometimes, but I find the brand's sizing information to be super helpful, and I love that their product descriptions let you know if the item is sheer. (NB: The off-white version of this is “slightly sheer.”)
This black-and-white striped top would be a great basic for layering under blazers or wearing solo. Some of the reviewers complain that it was damaged after washing, so I would recommend washing it in a lingerie bag on the delicate cycle.
The sweater is $29.90 and comes in sizes XXS-XXL.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
This appears to be sold out in all sizes and colors. Too bad, stripes are my favorite.
It’s showing up as available in all colors and sizes to me! The Uniqlo website can be a little glitchy. Sometimes when I click the link, it initially shows up as sold out, but after the page loads, it shows what’s actually in stock!
I own this sweater and other merino styles from Uniqlo. I have had no problems with washing on the gentle cycle and air drying. This style and the long sleeve v-neck get a lot of action and don’t seem to attract the crazy amounts of lint that last year’s BR merino does. I would say true to size; I sometime size up for merino, but not for these.
Are you willing to share your size details?
In BR sizing, I am a L/14. If I use the size assist tool for this Uniqlo one and enter my body measurements, it says I need an XXL. I am not so vain that I would want to sausage myself into a too-snug sweater just for the label, but I also don’t want to wear a tent.
Uniqlo runs small. I am a S/6 in BR and need a M (tight) or L in Uniqlo. Also if you are tall, their sleeves are not always long enough.
I’m a 16/18 and Uniqlo doesn’t fit me.
I’m a 16/18, and this sweater fits me in an XL. Not everything else they have does
I am normally a medium, fairly busty 8-10 and a large in the BR merino. In this sweater, I am a medium and it is plenty roomy. My daughter also needed her normal size and it is not overly form-fitting.
Shows up as available for me. If this were navy and white I would have bought it instantly!
I’m 10 years into my career, but in a new job where I need to speak with external executives and give them bad news (think government regulator telling a company exec that something is broken and they need to fix it). I have my first big presentation in front of executives on Monday. It’s in person and my boss will be with me. She thinks I can do it and will be there for intro and backup as needed. I’m intimidated, as these executives are all older white men who have been in the industry probably as long as I’ve been alive. I’m also an introvert, and public speaking is not my strong suit, but I can do it (writing, analyzing, etc are my strong suits). Any pointers for coming off confident and just in general? I’ve picked my outfit already. Today, I’m typing up a talking points document with my detailed examples and plan to have my boss review and then print that out and bring it with me.
Congratulations! You’ll do great!
I’m also an introvert and then had to get used to public speaking. For me, the big things were, try to stay still, and not walk around or move nervously so much. Use your hands to the extent it feels natural (think TED Talk).
Thank you! I should note that I’ll be seated at a table, but this reminds me to not spin back and forth in my chair.
You’re going to be incredible — there’s a reason your boss trusts you! Best advice I’ve gotten (but it’s not exactly a practical tip): take yourself seriously.
I’m in a similar position (young female regulator in a male dominated industry). Usually I just remind myself I’m in charge, I am the big swinging D in the room. I speak very matter of factly and when I’m stuck I pause, silence is better than word vomit or filler.
This is what I was thinking – OP is the authority here. They may be old white men who’ve been there forever blah blah blah – right now they have an issue and OP is informing them about it, as she is supposed to. OP, they have to listen to you, not the other way around. Your analysis and assessment here is very important and of concern to them.
Also definitely agree with the silence.
Check out the recent book Say It Well by Terry Szuplat.
A great phrase to use from time to time: “I am going to pause here to see if there are any questions before I continue with [point that will be covered later].”
Practice. Say it out loud many times ahead of time.
Yes! I’m now an experienced presenter but certainly didn’t start out with any poise or confidence. My two best tips are: take several slow deep breaths before you begin. The oxygen coming in to your system will help calm you. And practice saying things out loud, starting with your very first remarks, so you can hear yourself and course-correct as needed ahead of time, and so that hearing yourself present the information is something you’re used to even before the meeting begins.
If you’re up for one more exercise, visualize everything in detail going beautifully once or twice before you fall asleep. You’ll be amazing!
Get to the point, don’t spend a ton of time in the weeds and practice. Say all the things out loud, do not rely on the fact that you have talking points. Whatever you wrote will make you trip if you don’t practice it ahead of time.
Regulator here. Remember that this is not just about you — your words carry the weight of your agency. Even though you are the person in the room delivering the message, the message comes from the agency as a whole. Pretend you’re a senior leader delivering the message — because if your highest boss were at the table, the message would be the same.
Practice more than feels reasonable. I also find it helpful to anticipate their questions, even bizarre ones, and sketch out answers to them so I’m not caught off guard. Good luck!
+1 You might like to come up with an answer to deflect questions that come from left field or are more of a distraction, and write it down in your notes so you can glance at it as a reminder as necessary. For example, “that’s a good question that won’t be covered today [or that’s not part of today’s presentation], but we’d be happy to entertain it off-line [or we can take that up later/another time], ” or something like that, so you can shut tangents down and not get bogged down in minutia and appear to lose control of the room. You can do this!
Strongly recommend memorizing the first 3-5 sentences you’re going to say. I always have that initial moment of panic where everything goes blank. It just takes a few sentences for everything to settle down.
I’m an introvert government regulator and I have to give bad news all the time. Here is what has worked for me.
– Get right to the point. This isn’t a performance review – you don’t need to sandwich the bad stuff in between two good things.
– Humor is hard to get right, but I’ve found that if I can do just a little on the front end to humanize myself with a joke or funny thing it can help. Like, “I know I’m usually the last person anyone wants to see and unfortunately today isn’t going to change that trend,” or “Good morning, I’m here to ruin your weekend.” Maybe it’s not for you, but I’ve found it effective.
– Don’t let yourself be bullied. You’re just the messenger. If you get any, “so you’re telling me x? How can that possibly be right?!” the correct response is “Yes. The data shows x was not done correctly. All of the detail of our findings can be found __.”
– Speak slowly, make eye contact, and let people know up front what your expectation is for questions – do you want them as you go along, or to wait until the end? They you can cut folks off if they try to interrupt.
Good luck, but you don’t need it! You’ll do great! They don’t need to like you they just need to trust your expertise.
These are great tips. I really agree with the you’re just the messenger comment – if your role is truly to give information, then stay in your lane. If they try to say you’re wrong or you’re missing something, fall back on “these are our findings” and then just stop. Presumably there are ways to challenge them that don’t involve trying to negotiate with you in the moment and they can pursue that if they feel appropriate.
Say your whole presentation into a mirror at least two times. It’s so very awkward to look right at yourself saying it that saying it in front of others will be less awkward. Sounds silly but works.
If you’re presenting, think of it like any normal conversation you would have in a business meeting. I regularly speak at conferences, and my secret is to just treat it like any normal conversation and to make eye contact at multiple points around the room (don’t look down too much or stare in one location). If appropriate, reference them. It helps with connection and trust. “You may be feeling X,” or “I know those at companies in similar positions will sometimes have concerns that Y….”
As for the bad news part of it, keep in mind that this is bad news for a company but not the individuals. You aren’t telling them anything personal or inaccurate so there is no reason to feel shy or ashamed. If I had to fix a problem, I would want the person delivering the news to be as frank as they could about the problem so we could understand and get into fix-it mode as soon as possible.
And don’t let age or race psych you out. Most people want to hear from someone who has the facts and can explain them–regardless of age. In fact, sometimes being younger is a strength in that you may be viewed as someone with a more current view of market trends or an eye for new solutions or innovations. Think of them as peers in any other biz meeting.
I used to work for a woman who was also an actress. She was my boss and the VP of strategy, but she was also our internal presentation coach- C-suite on down. The best advice she gave me was to do dry runs, out loud, in the mirror. Also, make eye contact and smile or otherwise look engaged (smiling may or may not be appropriate given your news).
Long ago when I was younger and shy, I realized that if I thought of whatever event I was intimidated by as an acting job, it helped a lot. I was not naturally a glad handing networker, but if I could detach myself from the task and instead become an an actor doing a job, it made it easier. OP, it might help you to think of yourself as an actor playing the role of a confident seasoned professional and then rehearse as the commenter above suggests. Do this long enough and I promise you’ll become more natural in the role, I would never describe myself as shy or unconfident now. There was something about framing it as an acting job that made it less personal.
Practice lowering the tone of your voice so you don’t come out squeaky when you are nervous. Seriously-start an octave lower than normal. Never use the phrase, “Does that make sense?” It’s condescending and makes you sound tentative. You are too young to make jokes in front of these guys, so just don’t. They’ll think you are not taking them seriously. If you have a powerpoint or similar, consider having your boss advance the slides for you so you can focus. Don’t apologize, ever. Well, if you knock your water into someone’s lap, you can, but otherwise, don’t. I did all those things as a new’ish attorney and got dinged for all of them, so don’t be me.
Good advice on not using “does that make sense?”
An alternative from the consulting world: “I’ll pause here and see if there are any questions”
Or, “I just gave you a lot of information, so let me pause here and you can review it.” Count slowly one two three “does anyone have any thoughts or questions?”
Great advice on never apologize. Instead, if it fits, you can thank them, for example, don’t say, “sorry I’m late,” but say “thank you for your patience,” instead. Again, if it fits the context. Plus, as the messenger, don’t get trapped into feeling you need to explain further than your presentation, similar to advice above not to be bullied. Just the facts, ma’am, with no extra explanation/justification. You can do this!
Go ahead and practice out loud! You can use your camera function on your laptop to record you or time you – even if you don’t watch it, you’ll hear and know what you’re doing and need to improve on. Also for me it helps to practice with the camera so I train my eyes where to look, too. Sometimes I even put a post-it note arrow next to the camera as a reminder. Practice! Out loud! Really!
This is so exciting, congratulations! Best tip I can have is to know what you’re talking about. Know what you want to say, and remember that everyone in the room is on your side (or if they’re not, they should be).
Also critical: your boss wants you to succeed and is giving you this opportunity – I’d bet – because she doesn’t want to have to give these types of presentations going forward. As “a boss,” there’s nothing better than a team member who can fully own things that used to be on my plate. I have enough else to do! That’s great that she will be there to back you up, but feel free to act as if she’s not in the room (confirm with her that’s the right approach if you’d like). Don’t feel like you need to check in with her before making a recommendation or conclusion, because the goal is that next time – she won’t be there and you won’t need her to be! You got this!
Know your main headings by heart, in order, so you know what big point comes next. Also practice saying a transition sentence that gets you into your next point. If you can keep the big picture in mind and know how to move to the next point, that’s half the battle.
Also, read the room on the amount of detail they can tolerate. I don’t know how much detail you’re required to give, but if you’re nervous and feeling insecure, you may be tempted to flood them with all the facts in order to build your case and ensure it’s watertight. If you do, and if they’re bottom-line people, you’ll likely lose them. Sometimes I like to give less detail than I know, end the presentation while they’re still listening, and then trust that the rest of the details will surface in the Q & A — because someone will ask “What about …” and then you can answer it while you have their attention. Again, that may not work in the regulatory space you need to be in
I was in a similar position several years ago, and here’s what worked for me:
-develop talking points. I usually do detailed ones (to make sure I know the facts inside and out) and abbreviated ones (to ensure I can succinctly articulate the key points).
-develop Q&A. Assume they will ask hard questions and have answers prepared
-practice, practice, practice! I usually do this either in front of a mirror or on a fake zoom meeting. I find that even if I’m really nervous, the practice means that once I get going, I settle in and lose some of my nerves.
-think about ways to respond to tough questions or comments (e.g., “that’s a great question, and [insert answer]”; “I understand you may disagree with this feedback, but [reaffirm the decision and/or explain why that isn’t the case]”; “I hadn’t considered that, but let me give it some thought and I’ll come back to you.”)
– wear something that makes you feel confident (for me, it may be as simple as having earrings I inherited from a loved one)
You’ve got this!!
Adding to the Q&A advice – if you don’t understand a question they ask, ask them questions back to figure out what they’re talking about to come to a common understanding of what they’re asking so you can answer it. Don’t assume that they’ve “stumped” you – they are probably just using different terminology/phrasing and you just have to figure out what they’re referring to. As a participant and a speaker, I tend to favor Q&As that are very discussion based – like we’re coming up with our shared understanding, and that may not be just a simple Q then A and done.
A totally separate thing that I find weirdly comforting – I’ve sat through soooooooo many presentations giving by men (mid career and experienced) that are mediocre AT BEST. Like the bar in my industry is pretty low for presentations, so I get good reviews on presentations just because I’m actually prepared, friendly and speak extemporaneously. You sound very prepared, your boss has faith in you, I have total confidence that you are going to knock it out of the park.
I’ll give my thoughts which echo others here.
1. Practice your full set of talking points, but also think about where you could reduce content if you get a lot of questions and you need to just cut to the chase with time winding down.
2. Don’t overtalk. Make your message clear and concise, then stop talking. When people get nervous, they tend to talk and talk and talk which dilutes the key message.
3. Think about the most likely questions that will be asked (as well as the toughest) and prepare and practice those answers. You can say “that’s a great question” if it actually is, but make sure you don’t start every answer that way. It is okay to pause and think about the answer before you speak. It conveys thoughtfulness, not uncertainty.
4. If the execs get emotional or angry, I try to think about a pulley (or a see saw). As they get more emotional, I get more and more calm and dispassionate. This is a lot like parenting, and how you respond to a kid having a tantrum.
5. Don’t be afraid to be empathetic. This may be a crappy day for the people you are talking to and its okay to understand that they are people getting bad news. It doesn’t change the message you need to convey, but it may help you react more calmly if they get upset.
In a similar situation, my dentist (!) and an academic gave me some advice that really worked: Practice, practice, …….
Ugh, I have misread signals and thought men were interested in me no fewer than three times in the last 18 months, only to find out they were married or partnered, and in fact not at all flirting with me. Each time I developed quite a bit of a crush before finding out. Clearly the problem is me here. Some of it may be cultural. As a Northern European, I’m not used to how American men can come across as warmer and more enthusiastic, and I misunderstood their signals. I feel like such a d*mbass today. Luckily I didn’t do anything that would come across as outright flirting, and they’ll never know how infatuated I was.
Note that none of them did anything that would be considered inappropriate for a partnered person. Their behavior was just expressing enthusiasm about meeting up (e.g., at a professional conference we were both attending), making efforts and time to see me (which I realize now was just networking). And of course as soon as I found they were partnered, I quickly shut down any crush that was growing in my head.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up about this. Men have been mistaking women’s friendliness for flirting for hundreds of years (and probably more). I am someone who is friendly and just in the last week both the cable guy and a contractor have either asked for my number or been extremely flirty in communications. They have no idea if I am partnered and they don’t care. I give those examples to try to give you some perspective and to hopefully help you stop being so hard on yourself.
That said, it might be good to examine why you jump right to infatuated crush. Are you lonely? Desiring connection? Low-self esteem (really want someone to pick you) or overly high self esteem (everyone is interested in me)? Are you neurodivergent in a way that causes you to misread social cues? Although to be fair to you, I always assume a man is not being friendly for good reasons (aka always flirting even if they wouldn’t act on it bc married, not interested, or whatever) bc that has been my unfortunate experience (but I almost never want to pursue back).
Yes, yes and yes to lonely, desiring connection, and low self esteem. And maybe on the neurodivergence? I’m divorced and sole parenting so most of my interaction with grownups these days is from professional settings (note that none of these guys work at my company). And the last few years (tough divorce, stresses of sole custody) have beaten me up a bit.
With the last guy, I ran it by a friend who said “oh he’s definitely flirting with you” based on his actions (asking for my cellphone number and meeting up for a drink in the evening at a conference) but I think now looking back, I just really really wanted him to because I was smitten with him. He made sure to mention his wife early and often, so there was no ambiguity once we got to that point.
Sole custody is tough. Maybe it’s time to incorporate more adult socializing in your life. Can you get a regular babysitter to block off time for interaction with adults, maybe every Saturday night? You can make time for friends, schedule dates, etc?
Also, I’m on Team Crush. I usually have at least one crush that I never act on.
I think this is the answer. I need to start regaining a little of my life outside of work and parenting.
I think if you want to date, you should date intentionally. Like use an app and meet men who are actually looking to date someone. That way the intentions will be clear up-front.
You really assume that men are never friendly just because they’re nice people? Wooooowwww
She already explained that cultural differences make it hard to understand what normal friendliness looks like in the US.
You’re single and have to be open to romantic interest, if you want to find a partner. Please do not beat yourself up about it. I would say that you are actually doing the right thing. It’s always a let down to realize that you read the situation wrong, but the alternative is to assume that nobody is flirting with you, and that would be a mistake. (I say this as a fellow single person.)
Remember a few weeks ago, when women here were talking about all the ways in which they got hit on at work when they thought it was about networking? Don’t be hard on yourself; this stuff happens.
Pragmatically, what are your beliefs about men and women being actual, real friends? I’ve found that men who have woman friends are much less likely to mistake kindness for flirting, and I wonder if the reverse is also true.
This is definitely a problem of mine. While I have more female friends than make friends, throughout all stages of my life I’ve always had a decent number of male friends.
I’m also independent to a fault and allergic to vulnerability.
I’ve also traditionally been always a bridesmaid never a bride.
I’m so, so bad at picking up when a man has non-friend interest in me. I’m so, so bad at a) admitting I have feelings for someone and b) flirting or showing that in any way to a man.
I’m glad you understand this about yourself… that’s something that you can change.
Interesting – I think it’s also partially generational? I’m in my 40s and men my age and slightly older have been working with women colleagues their whole careers and seem open to friendly interactions/grabbing drinks/catching up in totally normal non-platonic ways. When I started working in the 2000s 9 times out of 10 older men were NOT used to women being their peers in the same way and ranged from cold to creepy when ‘off the clock’ or at an event.
Ooooh, I’ve completely been you. I even have a really embarrassing story about meeting a nice guy at a conference and chatting with him several times over the week, and my boss pulling me aside, and asking me “How do you know so -and-so? He and his wife and THREE children….”. (She was clearly looking out for me and trying to discretely let me know he wasn’t single, but, SO embarrassing). I’m now married (at 39! very happily! then had 2 kids!), and, when I Iook back on things…I have a lot of compassion for myself. I wanted a partner, and, it was easy to interpret friendliness through those eyes. My cousin said something about realizing that MOST people aren’t looking for a partner, so, assume not until significant reason to think otherwise. Sometimes that helped, sometimes it used to just make me feel super sad. What I did find helpful was to find a hobby that attracted a lot of single people (and that’s ultimately how I met my husband).
Also. Married men flirt. They like the attention. You aren’t always misreading the signs.
+1
+2
This was my immediate thought.
And come on…. a colleague at a work event, asking for your number, to go get an evening drink? Of course I would have thought the same as you.
I always assume married “Friendly” men are searching too…. sad, but often my experience. They are just searching for different things than I want.
What was the hobby? I’ve tried hobbies to meet people in the past, but never have had luck. I keep picking things with lots of women or partnered men
This demonstrates the downside of trying to meet someone romantically in a professional setting. You may find it helpful to assume everyone in a professional context is being just that – professional – and saving your flirting and crushes for singles meetups or online dating.
What would you have done in this situation?
For the last year I’ve been friends with a woman who I met at work. (She left the firm.) Most of our time together has been taking walks. We went out just a couple of times, and were keeping in touch with texts on roughly a weekly basis.
About a month ago I realized I didn’t really enjoy her company. Our last two interactions went like this:
She invited me to go with her to a folk concert. I told her I had other plans and I don’t like folk music. I followed up by saying I’d like to go for a walk, or I’d be up for an exercise class.
She invited me to go with her and her friends to a documentary. I replied that I couldn’t make it but I hoped she would have fun. She answered, “OK. Have you ghosted me and I just haven’t caught on yet?”
My immediate reaction was annoyance. I resented being accused of ghosting her, although she’s correctly intuited my feelings about the friendship. For a day or two I struggled with what to say. I couldn’t bring myself to text her that I don’t want to spend time with her anymore.
So now I have in fact ghosted her, and I feel crappy about that. I know that I could’ve handled this better. What would you have done, wise hive?
You really should have directly communicated. It’s doubly rude because your ex-friend did the emotional labour of trying to decipher your code and you still couldn’t even be direct back.
That response from her would have gotten my hackles up. And I would have been tempted to be bitchy back to her, which probably isn’t the most productive response.
Why? The friend is trying to read the situation and is being direct.
I’d be irritated if someone accused me of ghosting them after only two rejected invites.
Even if they were right?
She was probably picking up on OP’s dislike, in addition to the two rejections.
Right. This is how you respond to people you don’t actually like. That isn’t their fault. It’s just people learning things about each other.
Also, no one likes to be called out for their bad behavior, which is why your hackles went up.
I actually don’t think that text is rude. Just direct. And OP should have answered the question in some way, because now OP actually did ghost.
I think both of you behaved in human ways. I also think you’re about to get a lot of opinions about how ideal humans operate based on norms that only exist on the internet, and I hope you do not overly internalize them.
yeah – ex-friend’s text was weirdly blunt, and your actual ghosting in response immature. That said, taking friendship back a level while actually SAYING you’re taking it back a level is hard. Maybe something like “oh sorry, I’m happy to keep catching up with a walk now and then, but my evenings are pretty full” but even that sounds clunky and awkward as I type it.
Or if you really want to go to “say hi if you run into each other but otherwise don’t make any plans” maybe something like “ahhhhh sorry I was just feeling awkward that we don’t have as much to chat about now that you aren’t witnessing Work Characters directly anymore” but STILL not great…
I think I would reply “ouch, I didn’t intend to hurt you by not being available for folk music or the documentary. That said, your response made me think a bit, and realize that although I enjoyed our walks, now that our work rhythms are different, I suspect our schedules won’t align much.” I really don’t think you should have been accused of ghosting since you suggested a walk after the folk music invitation. At any rate, that’s what I would do, and the hive can point out all the ways that response could be disastrously interpreted:-P
OP, I think this is the right tone and amount of graciousness if you want to do your part to keep a good relationship. Whether she wants to react in kind is up to her.
You could also adjust the wording slightly if you do want to continue going for walks together. “I enjoy connecting with you and hope to continue going on walks together. I did not intend offense by declining your invitations, and do appreciate you thinking of me.”
OP, please don’t do this. You were thinking you wanted to end the friendship before she responded, so you’re just blaming her for a choice you’d already made. She’s going to feel like she threw away the friendship by sending that text. She was probably just asking so that she wouldn’t keep putting herself out there/bothering OP if OP didn’t want to hang out. I wouldn’t want to keep putting myself out there with a friend I suspected didn’t want to hang out with me anymore. OP didn’t need to read her tone as accusatory. I suspect OP was already feeling discomfort over wanting to end the relationship and having to figure out how to do it, and just projected her irritation onto OP by assuming it was an accusation.
+1
You share a profession with this person and you were friends. Her crime is inviting you to some things you don’t want to do and being direct. Girl, repair this relationship unless you never want to work in this town again. I’d invite her to do something and excuse my behavior with a white lie along the lines of “sorry I’ve been super stressed.”
Hahahahhaha this is insane
It’s really not. The all or nothing friend takes here are insane. People need to learn how to be casual acquaintances and leave middle school where it belongs.
They think it’s an opt-in or opt-out situation, but you could also adjust your content or frequency of interaction
“Hey I’m not much for folk music or documentaries but I enjoyed our weekly work walks. I liked our monthly catch-ups but my schedule changes a lot – I would love to stay on your list for invites to some events but also sometimes I’m just not into them or have other stuff going on – happy to text about our common interests or whenever Shared Workplace Character does Something That Is So Them! Thanks for thinking of me for the in-person stuff tho, I appreciate it! Heart emoji”
I agree. It’s not like she will never run into this woman professionally in the future. I don’t think there’s any need for a big state of the friendship conversation here, but OP please do yourself a favor and keep it professional.
No it’s not insane. The OP met her at work. You smooth it over so there is no awkwardness. You are likely to bump into them and it will be awkward and reflect poorly on the OP.
As a manager, if I had someone on my team behave like this with peer in another part of the organization I would not be impressed and would pull them aside to tell them to fix it so there isn’t any awkwardness. Same for people who date people they meet at work, you never ghost them.
Agree.
Advice at 9:53 is spot on. Circles are smaller than you believe, especially over time. And OP doesn’t have reason to actively dislike her. I would mend the bridge. This is exactly how you build and maintain a decent network. I’ve had two job offers and facilitated hiring someone through relationships with former coworkers that are loose like this. We may only meet up once a year or every few years, but I know I have a friendly face in the room whenever we bump into one another at conferences and such.
Honestly, probably the same thing as you, down to the irrational annoyance. But you wanted to end the friendship and even if you wanted it to end on a better note, you can’t always guarantee that, especially in a break up. I don’t think I’d bother gentling the message at this point, just move on and enjoy the friends you have.
You say you met her at work, so you could run into her again in the future in a professional setting (conference, industry meeting, landing at the same firm in the future). For this reason, I would not full ghost but respond in a way that at least closes the loop. “Hi Jane, sorry, this past week at work has been crazy! Didn’t intend to ghost you, but I feel overwhelmed at work and home right now so focusing on that.” And leave it at that.
This is what I’d do, or some variant. If I wanted to be more transparent, I’d say
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t ghosting you – I just wasn’t up for the invites and think we like different things.”
+1. OP – I think you could still send this text now too.
Her response is weird – ghosting means it responding, you were just not interested or busy. That said this sounds like a professional relationship so I’d respond and say “gosh no just have been busy lately! Let me know if there’s a good time for a walk soon” and leave it there
Her response is weirdly aggressive. I completely understand why you wanted to stop spending time with this person, and hopefully you now feel validated in your decision!
I’d continue the indirect approach: “I’ve got a lot going on right now, but I’ll let you know if things clear up!” Then just… don’t let her know.
If she can’t accept being thus let down gently/politely, that’s not your problem. “Direct communication” is overrated. We’re trying to have a society here!
Your last two sentences are great. Direct communication is for relationships that are valued and trustworthy when appropriate, not all the time for everyone everywhere. Kindness and sweetness – a little bit of sugar on the ah sandwich – help
Being indirect is not polite
And I thought “ghosting” meant you never reply to anything. OP declined two invitations for valid reasons. That’s not ghosting. They have different interests.
How much house would you be willing to buy if you were in my shoes? Household income is around $235k, typical year of bonus would put us around $255k but it fluctuates annually. We have one child and are currently planning to be one and done, and would like to move into a better school district. We could probably put a down payment of between $150-200k based on current equity/savings. However, we’re also currently paying for daycare which is $$$. At the same time, we want to stretch ourselves a bit to move into our forever home.
Is it crazy for us to be looking at houses around $700-800k?
Not enough information. Do you have any other debt? Assuming property taxes and insurance, what would your monthly payments be on a $500k mortgage? What is the stability of your jobs.
You’re probably not crazy to be looking in the $700k range but I would caution you not to be over leveraged.
Only other debt currently is about $5k left on a car, which will be paid off in about 16 months. However we will likely need to purchase a second car soon as well, which I expect will be about a $20k loan. I would guess a monthly mortgage payment would be around $4500. Our current mortgage is about $2000 with a 2.75 rate, which will be hard to give up. However, it seems like with higher mortgage rates the market for a house in the range we want has slowed and turned into more of a buyer’s market which is tempting.
I am a poor so maybe I’m missing something more particular to this income level, but with only 5k left on the car note, pay that off and be done with it. Are you anticipating purchasing a new car as a necessity of living in this new neighborhood? It sounds like you’re eyeing more of a lifestyle upgrade than just a newer, more expensive house.
Pay off the car. If you purchase a new one, pay cash. Get rid of any other debt, so you can focus on the house if that’s what you ultimately choose to do. Go into any new house with a financial clean slate. Everything about this house is going to be more expensive than you’re currently used to.
That said, you can buy a lot of enrichment for your kid for the cost of that house.
Our interest rate on the car is 4% and our savings account interest rate is 5%, so no incentive to pay off the car currently. The second car is due to both of our jobs starting to require more in-office days – we’ve been getting by on one car for now, but both of us are back at work after parental leave so it’s getting more difficult to manage.
It’s really exhausting when rich people on this site act like they can’t afford stuff. Obviously you can afford a $800k house. In fact, in my city that’s the average cost of a home.
I’m not asking whether we *can* afford it, I’m asking whether it would be a smart financial decision. But yes, we’re fortunate to be in the position to evaluate this move. First time anyone has ever called me rich though 😅
You realize that most people around the world don’t make close to $235k a year right??
Jealousy is the worst, isn’t it?
Perspective =\= jealousy
Our family has a similar income in a HCOL area and I absolutely admit that in objective terms we are upper middle class/rich…even though we can’t really manage to max any savings vehicle or afford airplane vacations or even to get takeout more than a few times a year.
There has been such a level of lifestyle creep that we expect so much more than people did 1-2 generations ago (when middle class was 3br/1bth, one car and a single trip to the shore each year). You can be “rich” and still have to make hard financial choices. But you do have a wider variety of options to choose from to make it work.
I acknowledged we are fortunate, not sure what else you’re looking for. If that upsets you I feel like you’re not spending time on the right site, as that income feels fairly typical for this board.
I’m not sure that comparison is useful. Most people around the world make less than the measly American minimum wage.
What are you adding to the conversation? Everyone knows people on this site are in a variety of income brackets and there’s nothing wrong with someone asking about their particular situation. I’m well aware that most people don’t make $200+ but when you factor in location, that doesn’t go very far in VHCOL locations especially with kids.
No most households in North America occupied by two professionals working full time with a small child are earning more than $250k. It’s $125k each. It’s a very typical household income and it’s great they are asking this question because truthfully no they can’t afford a home that’s $700k.
Buy now if it makes sense to do so. Really look at cost to buy vs rent. You have one child so a 2 bed is what you need. With the cost of daycare, I would try to limit your housing payment to about $4,500 a month (ie rent vs mortgage + property taxes + building insurance). Children don’t get cheaper and life happens. Why strain yourself when your family stage is already stressful?
“North America occupied by two professionals working full time with a small child are earning more than $250k”
Uhh, no, $255k is a >90th percentile household income in the US, so not “most” households or even most households with white collar jobs.
omg that is not “rich” get over it. Spme people have higher incomes
.
Agreed, it’s doing okay, it’s hardly rich.
Yes and they’re rich. Sorry that term struck a nerve with you. Maybe spend some time reflecting on why you think you’re poor when you make a quarter million dollars a year, and your annual salary is many multiples of the average American’s salary. And while we’re being snotty, let’s head off the jealousy comments here because I make more than you. And yes, I’m rich too.
It’s really exhausting when people on a site that routinely features $2000 dresses complain about there being “rich people” in the comments.
Yes, but then you have the poster above who says that most families with two professional working parents make above $250K a year, and you can see how out of touch many people here are.
The average salary in the US is $63K, and something like 15% of households make over $200K.
This space has always a place for high-powered, professional women with at least a college degree, and arguably is primarily focused on women with terminal degrees. Obviously, all readers are welcome, but being upset that highly successful women are discussing being highly successful in a space that is primarily for highly successful women is…odd.
I genuinely loled at that poster because sometimes that’s all you can do.
@Anon at 12:10, I get what you’re saying and have been reading here long enough that I roll my eyes and scroll on past the overwhelming majority of the most bananagrams displays of clueless out of touch privilege… but when people post things as if they’re objective fact when they are in fact wildly incorrect, it makes sense that people will react to that. “Most households in North America occupied by two professionals working full time with a small child are earning more than $250k” is flat out incorrect. It may possibly be true in that poster’s location if they’re in a VHCOL area; it is even more likely to be true in their social and professional circles. But the statement itself is about as incorrect as a statement can be.
I’m 12pm and I agree with you that this board inherently skews wealthy, and I enjoy all manner of financial talk here. Yeah, scroll on by if you don’t like millionaires who make budgets.
But it does rub me the wrong way when people making $200K+ claim they aren’t rich, or pretend that “most people” make that. I get it, I’m in a VHCOL area with four kids, but I know how fortunate I am to have a HHI of $250K. As I said elsewhere on this thread, “rich” doesn’t mean not having to make hard financial choices; it just means you have a wider variety of options to start with. Own your wealth, people, and the fact that YOU (we) are the top 10% in this country!
Sorry–I’m gonna go with the fact that _many_/_most_ folks who read a blog about overachieving chicks are, in fact, above average. How above average–depends, but imputing the income of the whole country vs. c r e t t e is not logically correct. On the coasts, where many high achieving professionals live, far more than 15% of _overachieving_ HH make over $200K.
I don’t think anyone is upset that some people are rich. It’s the lack of awareness that grates. $250k is a household income that less than 10% of American households earn. It’s objectively rich and suggesting it’s a typical income for educated professionals is absurd. I say that as someone with a similar household income.
If $800k is the *average* home cost in your city, I guarantee the average 2-person HHI is more than $250k. $225k between two people is not “rich” in a city with that kind of cost of living. It’s not poor either, but come on.
OP, that is an expensive house. FWIW, our 2-person HHI was around that when we bought our house for $400k a few years ago, with a higher interest rate. Banks will give you a loan for almost anything, but you need to map our what your monthly payment would be and add that in to your other expenses (including daycare– we had two daycare kids at the time). If you’re thinking of making it your forever home then buying up makes some sense, especially if you anticipate that your HHI will continue to go up. But home ownership is expensive for reasons others have noted– insurance, taxes, roof, heat, etc. And you don’t do any favors by locking yourself into a house you cant afford to keep up or that keeps you from saving for retirement, college, etc. We opted for a less expensive house so we could spend money elsewhere– we installed solar, bought an EV, paid off grad school loans, caught up on our retirement contributions, and of course paid for a new roof when ours started leaking, replaced the furnace when it went kaput in the dead of winter, and other things we would not have cringed to afford if our mortgage payment were higher. My daycare kids are now in school which is definitely a savings (though not as much as I assumed given all their activities) and college costs loom… I’m glad we bought a less expensive house that doesnt make me worries about being on the margin with these other expenses.
I know a lot of people who have really nice houses but who are living outside their means, but you need a more detailed calculation than what you’re shared here to know if that would be the case for you.
It’s all well and good to advise buying a house for $400K, but those may not exist! I just ran a Zillow search in my fairly working class city in the Northeast (certainly compared to the pricey surrounding suburbs), and there is one single family house for less than $400K on the market. It is 768 sq ft. Because of jobs/commutes we can’t go anywhere cheaper (my husband’s car/train commute is currently 1.5 hours, one way).
Fair but also… if the goal is school district, focus on all parts of that district, not just the parts with a reach or stretch mortgage. I recall my friend in HS lived in one of the older homes in an older neighborhood, certainly nothing to brag about in our circle, but his parents were the ones chaperoning every school band trip to Europe or a cruise and the kids were awesome and all 3 got major scholarships. Probably in a 2 bathroom house, is what I’m saying. Consider all options
Whoa, yeah, that is rough! It’s a fair point that goes along with all the rest of the advice on this thread– there is not enough information here to know what the right thing to do is, including housing stock. In my case, this was a few years ago, and as I mentioned we had a much higher interest rate than you can get now. So $400 then might be more like $550 now, with those factors added. I live in a middle class town in the Northeast and Zillow is showing me dozens of 3bedroom houses around $500k, but every town is different.
My main point is that there is so much more to this than income + house price.
Yeah, I live in the Bay Area, there is no such thing as a 400k house here. I’m sure OP would be looking at something cheaper if it was an option. I’m just jealous of a 700-800k house, seems like a complete bargain.
That’s an obnoxious response, @9:21. You weren’t trying to be helpful. OP’s question is a reasonable one.
OP ask around in your local circle for a recommendation for a trusted mortgage broker. They’ll run some scenarios with you based on your income, expenses, and savings. I love my mortgage broker and have done many transactions (mostly refis) with her over the years and I am SO glad to have developed a relationship with her. A good mortgage broker is worth their weight in gold, in this case literally.
I don’t think it’s crazy. We bought a $740K house with more kids and less income. (We had clear indications that income was going up, and it has, to basically the same as you now, OP). We also put down a large down payment.
We do sometimes feel a little crunched and have less disposable income than most people on this board, but the market was/is tight and we wanted to be in a specific location. It’s a long-term investment, and it’s more than a strictly “numbers” question, as there is a strong emotional and quality of life component to living in a place that fits you.
But, you will have to be willing to live on a strict budget, make choices to forgo some extras while you have the daycare bill, and keep a chunk of cash in reserve for the inevitable repairs that will come up.
(But I’ll be really clear, forgoing “extras” means we get take out like five times a year and cook the rest at home, don’t outsource any housecleaning or yard work, take one vacation a year at a beach house within driving distance, etc. You do have to buckle down finances for a while.)
It depends a lot on what condition that $700-800K home is in and how energy-efficient it is. If it’s at the age where windows, roof, siding, HVAC, water heater are all going to fail and need replacement, no way. If it’s poorly insulated and huge and you are going to spend $500 a month heating and cooling it, no way.
Our income is slightly higher than yours and our down payment is more like $300K and we feel like homes in this price range would be a stretch but we might do it. We also have college costs that are comparable to 2 kids in pricey day care.
That’s higher than I’d be comfortable with personally, although it might be necessary in a HCOL area. When we bought our house, our HHI was around $150k but we had a $200k down payment saved. We were looking at houses with a max budget of $550k but in hindsight if we’d bought at the upper end of that range we would have felt house poor. You have a higher income than we did, so I think $500-600k would be very comfortable for you, but $800k feels like a stretch to me even with a big down payment.
Also unrelated to housing price, but I’d caution that the “better” school district on paper isn’t always better — really do your research to make sure moving into this district is worth it. Also research transfer options if that’s a thing in your state. It can be a lot more economical to pay transfer tuition to a school district, even for 13 years, than to buy a more expensive house. We live in a highly coveted district with high property values and high property taxes, and I like our house and don’t plan to move, but if I knew then what I know now, we would have bought in a neighboring district and paid to transfer in – it would have been a lot more economical in the long run, especially with only one child.
Not crazy and it will never get cheaper than it is now.
+1
Idk if this helps you, but we bought our house for $700ish when we had a joint HHI of more like $350 ($160 me, $220 DH, salaried but probably 40 of that is non guaranteed bonus).
We are in a HCOL and have 3 kids, and we wanted a lot of cushion. As it turns out, over the years DH and I both have had time off so our HHI now is more like $300 on a rolling basis.
Idk how old you are/career trajectories, but I’d stick to a home you could afford on 75% of your current HHI. But we are conservative.
This is helpful, thank you. We are fairly young (32 and 34) but neither of us particularly wants to take on additional responsibility in our careers, so I don’t foresee our incomes going up significantly from here. And I do tend to be more conservative financially. I feel like I am leaning toward waiting until our son is closer to school age so that we can build more equity and ideally put down a larger down payment.
You will build more equity and have a larger downpayment, BUT the cost of the house you want to buy will also inevitably increase, somewhat negating that larger downpayment.
+1. OP, I actually think you’re at a good stage in life to take this on.
Yep, this. I would stretch now to buy and not wait. It seems very doable with what you earn and have described here.
can you test out living on your required budget before you commit? Aside from the mortgage, taxes, insurance part, setting aside maintenance costs, which can be anywhere from first-time expenses like buying a mower, to annual fees like an HVAC tune-up that could be $500-$1000.
also, what would happen if one of you lost their job?
a lot of people do decide to buy in your shoes, but it also means that they can move to living paycheck to paycheck on a decent sized income for… a long time.
This is the way to test drive things.
Figure out what monthly costs you can accommodate and then do the math backwards to see how much house you can afford, including taxes, insurance, utilities, HOA fees, all of it. And one very helpful thing I wish I had been told when we bought our first house: you will stress far less over costs if your budget accounts for spending 2% – 4% of your home’s value on ongoing maintenance and repairs each year. You may not actually spend that much, but if you can plan to put it aside, you will be able to cover things when the roof needs replaced earlier than you thought or the furnace goes out unexpectedly.
+ a million on the 2-4% recommendation. We’d heard 1-2%, which is better than nothing, but the first year or two can be a doozy if you “need” to do basic moving-in stuff like repainting, window treatments, and buying the odds and ends to adjust to having an extra room/bathroom or two beyond where you’d been living before. I’ve been shocked how much we spend on our yard. Not anything crazy, but seasonal planting, basic lawn care, arborist for tree health, etc. It all adds up.
I think there are so many variables that could make it seem good or bad. Are the taxes $7k per year or $30k per year, for example. Or if daycare is $2k or $4k per month. Local income tax rate, state income tax rate, HOA fees, even insurance all affect affordability. When I was looking sometimes the $700k house would be more per month than the $800k house. I think you should base it on monthly payment which can fit into a wide price range.
You’re leaving out key parts of the equation: taxes and insurance, your other savings, and job stability. If you can get taxes and insurance for under $12K a year combined, that’s probably manageable (especially if you can refinance if interest rates ever go down in a meaningful way). If you’re in a high tax area where taxes are 20K+ or where homeowners insurance is outrageous, you may want to really crunch the numbers. Even though buying a home means that your monthly payments are mostly stable, there can be crazy swings. In six years our taxes have gone up 50% and our homeowners premiums have gone up 40% (this is after aggressively reshopping and no claims in 5 years). They are still affordable but it’s a noticeable bite.
Just do some math and see if it works, a 600k 30yr mortgage is roughly 3k/mo, figure about another 2k/mo for taxes, insurance and issues. You probably take home 12-13k a month. Seems doable and worth it to build equity.
They don’t take home that much if they are maxing retirement and have costs for benefits. Probably barely 10K.
I had a similar decision to you a decade ago. I went for the smaller house. This allowed me to save far more than my peers at work.
Fast forward 10 years, I was able to buy the upgrade in my early 40s. I took a mortgage but I could have paid cash since my savings and investments had grown so much.
I’d hang onto the 2.75% mortgage for as long as you can. Debt at 2.75% is an asset.
+1 on hanging onto th e2.75% interest rate as long as possible. We’ll never see those rates again. On the other hand, if the school district and other factors are clearly beneficial, do the math, practice living on the new budget and so forth, as recommended here. Good luck!
+2
You have such a sweet deal now. Unless you are in a terrible school district and that’s why you need to move, I would hold on to what you have. That’s a lot more house you are planning to buy, with likely higher taxes/utilities/maintenance etc…
But I’m conservative financially. My goal was to retire early, and I do not see real estate as an investment. VTI / VXUS are my investments.
At that income level, I wouldn’t finance more than $500k, especially at today’s interest rates. Insurance costs are going up all over the country, property taxes only go up, and you never know what life will hand you. Free cash flow is freedom. Really think about whether the happiness you’ll get from a bigger, nicer house will be greater than the happiness you could have from more freedom.
FWIW, we bought our house when our HHI was around the same as yours. VA loan with no down payment, 450k, HCOL area. We had no kids but I was pregnant at the time, and we were conservative with our budget because I wasn’t sure whether I’d want to keep working + I’m naturally just a cautious person. 12 year and three kids later, our household income was double that for a few years, but we’re still in our “starter home” and probably won’t leave unless we relocate to a different state/country. Our <$3k house payment (including escrow) allowed us to put our kids in private school when public school went all virtual for covid and I knew I couldn't handle that, weather a layoff without panicking or making any drastic changes, and generally maintain a comfortable lifestyle & absorb life's bumps without financial worry.
In your shoes, $700,000 would be my absolute top limit. Our HHI is $300k-ish and our financial advisor was okay with 2.5x that and told us he’d be side eyeing us for 3x.
Do you each have disability insurance? Could you get by on one income in the new house? Are you in an industry where you are likely to be laid off? If you both aren’t interested in advancing in a career, are you likely to be fired when you hit 40 (tech is like that). I wouldn’t do a stretch house if you don’t have an upward trajectory on income, as the stretch house just keeps getting more expensive, with taxes, insurance and repairs getting more expensive.
Thanks all for the thoughtful input. My main takeaway is that I need to take more factors into consideration before we make this decision.
FWIW, we recently got a mortgage for $320k for a house that needs only routine maintenance at this point (i.e., no new roof, no failing HVAC). With taxes and insurance (both of which are high), we pay $3,400 month. Our HHI is about $240k. Two kids in daycare. If we had only one kid, we could have afforded another $2k/month towards our mortgage, so a mortgage closer to $600k. We live quite comfortably. We can’t afford airplane vacations, but those are tough with toddlers anyway! :) We also gave up a 2.75% rate on our prior mortgage, but that rate wasn’t enough to make us stay for a home that wasn’t a fit for our family. Along what other commenters have said, monthly cost is more indicative of whether you can afford something than whether your house is worth x times your income.
Our household income is slighty more, and we have a $400,000 mortage at 3.5%. We pay $3000 a month for mortgage, taxes, and insurance, but that includes an extra $500 a month to principal. Two kids and our childcare costs are close to $4000/month. We max out our 401ks and save about $750 a month for college. Our general savings aren’t as robust as I would like, and I hope to increase those when we’re done with daycare. Our only other debt is one car loan. I would say this feels just right to me. I think a $4500 payment would make things feel very tight.
Tw weight loss. I started compounded semi glutide from an online pharmacy and it’s working really really well. I can’t believe how I struggled with this weight loss for literally years. but at the same time I’m really struggling with feelings of shame and worthlessness because I couldn’t simply do what I needed to do, eat at a deficit, without it. I never really struggled with weight before the pandemic and when I wanted to lose I’d simply count calories. Post baby and pandemic weight gain eating my allotted calories was an impossible struggle that I just failed at most days. It’s not helping that my husband is the only person who knows I’m on the drugs and thinks it’s dangerous and sketchy and stupid. I’m finally at a normal bmi but I’m still angry at my lack of willpower. Did anyone else struggle with this?
I struggle with the other side of this coin, overweight and wondering if I’m stupid for not taking advantage of these drugs. But you and I would do well to trust our gut that we can make good choices for our personal well-being. Guilt is not a helpful emotion, so I try not to dwell on it.
Have you listened to the maintenance phase podcast? It will debunk assumptions about how meaningful BMI is, and also about willpower and calorie deficits.
Thanks for this. Sorry you’re also struggling. I love maintenance phase too! But it’s still hard for me wrestle with being in an overweight bmi when I hadn’t been considered overweight before. Rationally, I know that the health risks won’t skyrocket if I’m a few pounds overweight but emotionally I feel like if I’m “officially normal” everyone will stop commenting on and judging my weight, or at least I’ll be on firmer ground for blowing them off.
noooope. Don’t blame yourself for other people’s meanness. I’ve been overweight my whole life, and the last people commenting about it to my face were high school bullies decades ago.
If you are in fact surrounded by mean people, they will still be mean if you’re thin. I don’t love how unsupportive your husband is, whatever his reasons. Some people just like withholding their approval, which is a game you can only lose.
>> If you are in fact surrounded by mean people, they will still be mean if you’re thin.
This is such a great point and applies to so many situations. People can sometimes be insensitive about a particular topic, but mean people are always looking for something to be mean about.
Op here . I know you’re right. I’ve been mistakenly called pregnant several times in the past few years. These people aren’t trying to be mean but man it hurts so bad. I know I should be a better person but I’m willing to try to lose weight just to avoid that hurt and embarrassment.
Slender, athletic woman here, and you would be shocked (or maybe not) at the number of times I’ve been called fat in my life.
It turns out, nothing I do with my body is going to change who they are as people. Go figure.
Maintenance Phase is great but I would caution against taking anything its hosts say as accurate on the science.
BMI on its own is a useful measure for populations and a terrible one for individual diagnosis (although it can spur a conversation with your doctor). But that Maintenance Phase episode left me almost incoherent with rage because of the sheer overwhelming amount of misinformation they spouted.
We can’t seriously be doing trigger warnings for weight loss now, can we?
It’s not really new, many posts have it. I didn’t even notice it, what’s the harm?
Different poster, but by the time you get to words 3-5 of the post you can see it’s about weight loss and skip as needed. I wonder the real utility of TW…once you read the trigger word, it’s in your mind. (And it’s a genuine wonder — do people find them helpful here, in this format?)
I do! I have a history with disordered eating and I appreciate the TWs on weight loss related posts. Sometimes I’m just not in a head space where I even want to skim a post about it, and appreciate posters who include the TW so I can immediately minimize the thread and continue with my day. Clearly today I feel fine :)
Trigger warnings prime the reader to experience a negative reaction and actually increase distress. And that’s for situations where they’re actually discussing traumatic events! There are some situations where they can be useful and appropriate, but no psychological organizations would support their use in a situation like this.
What would a psychological organization say about your need to critique someone’s post, though?
Sorry—I guess I should’ve put a tw on my post for “objections to silly tws.”
I think trigger warnings are super helpful. They’re up-front and then you can use the collapse button immediately. Which is something I think it’s obvious a lot more people should do!
Is it a rough morning for some of you?
Unfortunately, just the idea that some people want to lose weight has been triggering others. I think including the TW trend has actually helped a lot to change the tone of these posts to stay on track & be more supportive.
I feel bad for those people and hope they get professional psychological help for their issues.
Sure. We all do. If only there was a simple kindness we could offer to make things maybe just a tiny bit easier, or even just acknowledge it’s something people struggle with.
Again, trigger warnings are harmful, not helpful, to people who are struggling with this issue. They are not a kindness.
Op here! I did it because on another day it would have been a helpful kindness to me and I’ve appreciated them from others in the past. I’ve personally never found a trigger warning harmful although I struggling with the issue I’m dealing with. Maybe you have some data that shows unequivocally that giving people a heads up is harmful? This is inconsistent with my personal experience and I’m not used to seeing people attacked for this on this forum. I meant no harm.
Anon @ 10:32, if you’re so worried about kindness maybe consider practicing what you preach?
There’s an article by Bridgland called “A Meta-Analysis of the Efficacy of Trigger Warnings, Content Warnings, and Content Notes” that discusses the priming effect I’m citing here. Will follow up with the reference.
In short, they are a “no evidence of help, some potential evidence of harm” thing.
Link: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/21677026231186625
What’s your problem, Anon at 10:15 am?
I am no one’s touchy-feely progressive, and I just did this thing where I decided that the TW might apply to other people and if the OP wanted to add a measly two letters to her comment, BFD.
+1. I can’t tell you how many threads on fashion blogs devolve into bragging about disordered eating. I for one am grateful for the warning.
Agree!
I can’t believe we actually have someone who is Triggered by a trigger warning rather than the substance of the post, but here we are in Bizarro World.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t I guess? There’s someone out there who will criticize her any way she writes it.
Thanks, op here. I mean feelings of worthless because you can’t lose weight are kind of heavy and I’m just trying to get people a heads up. Sometimes I’m just not in the headspace to think about calorie restriction and I would have appreciated a heads up so I figured what’s the harm? Silly me.
You did nothing wrong. I don’t know what it is with Fridays lately, but people have been straight-up feral in their responses.
I’m the person who criticized trigger warnings. I don’t think you did anything intentionally wrong, and I don’t think you should feel bad over this! Trigger warnings have been super trendy for a long time, and it’s only been in the past five or so years that their use on the internet has diverged dramatically from the use cases psychologists think they’re best suited for. I think it’s a beautiful instinct to want to protect the peace of others, and I wish that was the effect they had.
For me, it’s just helpful on a logistical level to receive a summary in the first sentence. ‘TW weight loss’ fullfills the same purpose as ‘Looking for shopping help for a handbag’. It’s enough info so I can decide whether to read the whole post or collapse the thread.
Yeah, agree with 10:59. Maybe we can say ‘Topic: weight loss’ in the first line so people can make their own decisions about reading the post. It’s more neutral language that avoids making assumptions about how anyone will feel.
@10:49 I think you need to take a break from the internet for a while. Go take a walk. I’m serious. You’ll feel better. It always works for me.
I love walks! I just love people not perpetuating anti-scientific memes like trigger warnings even more.
“The effects of trigger warnings—especially minimal warnings (e.g., CW)—depend on that shared cultural understanding. Thus, there may be benefits or costs of using trigger warnings that are completely detached from the original clinical motivation“
The Tw you had an issue with most closely represents the above situation. The original post didn’t have a clinical motivation but rather within this tiny community signaled- hey you may want to skip this. Which is not the same as the bulk of warnings that were the subject of this mega study, much of which was in an educational context. But you knew that. You just wanted to attack someone you knew was trying to be kind and accuse them of causing harm. If you wanted to say “hey I know we use these but evidence shows they are not helpful. Let’s reconsider” you could have but you instead chose to attack someone.
Chuckling at the idea I “attacked” OP. I said OP was operating from a place of kindness and good intent. Lots of people operate from a place of kindness and good intent but do so in a misguided way. Impact vs intent, and all that.
The trigger warning added no information beyond what could be gleaned by words 3-5 of the comment. It wasn’t necessary. And overuse of these warnings is …not good.
And yet the OP’s Tw was helpful to numerous people in this community as they’ve attested. And you are laughing about study you misapplied. Think about why you are like this.
A lot of what you’re saying resonates. I gained 20-25 pounds during the pandemic, which pushed me into the overweight category. I also turned 40 at that time and was dealing with hormonal issues and fibroids. (I had a hysterectomy in 2022 because the fibroids were numerous and large). I have made a good, strong effort probably three or four times now to lose weight on my own and have had very little success. Think: eating at a deficit for three months, tracking religiously, and losing only 3 pounds in that time.
I have not tried a semiglutide. But, I want to empathize that weight loss is freaking hard and sometimes it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with willpower. I also struggle with feelings of shame and worthlessness around gaining weight. Because I still don’t really understand WHY it happened. Metabolism tanked? My hormones are fine now, post-hysterectomy.
My take is, weight loss is not as easy as it’s made out to be. If you need medical intervention, so be it.
OP, all I can say is I’m on Wegovy. Unlike you I have struggled with weight my whole life (PCOS), done all the “right things” and tried everything. That said, I’m down almost 50 lbs since having my second/final child/starting the medication, with more to go, I turn 40 next week and I could not feel more fantastic about life. Truly. Do not feel shame for feeling good. We get one life and you deserve to live it happily and healthily. If medicine allows you to do that, so be it. No one in my circle but my husband knows I’m on it because my medication and health is no one’s business but mine and my doctor’s. I plan to be on it for life.
You say you lack willpower. Is the food noise far less for you when you’re on the medicine? I found that it wasn’t will power but it was food noise that was my biggest issue, which of course I didn’t recognize until I Was on the medication. I cried after first being on the medicine because it was this a-ha moment of realizing what I’ve lived with in my head isn’t “normal”.
Are you using a doctor? Any reason you can’t go to a brand name? I’m guessing perhaps it’s for insurance and cost reasons. Either way, just make sure you’re prepared to either stay on it for life and/or while you’re on it you are changing habits so you can wean off in due time to maintain results. The medicine alone is not a fix, in my experience. Peace to you.
Your husband just sounds like trash. I also am losing weight for the first time with drugs. When I describe how they make me feel to skinny people they are like that sounds normal. But it isn’t normal to my brain. I wouldn’t be ashamed of anxiety meds or thyroid meds or cholesterol meds, im not ashamed of weight loss meds either.
Eh, it’s a little hard to tell from the post, but I wouldn’t be super thrilled about my husband taking the compounded drugs either, though I’d be fine with him taking real Wegovy. There are some legit safety concerns and I don’t think it’s out of line to be concerned about your spouse’s health.
You srsly think he has a nuanced concern about the role of compounding pharmacies?
I mean, I do….?
Yeah? You think because he’s a dude he can’t?
Op here. Yeah I think we’re both of the view that an np from an online company that exclusively prescribes compounded drugs was willing to prescribe these but my primary would have probably told me to try harder to just watch my calories. And I would have cried after that and probably been really angry with myself and still have been overweight. I also think we both agree that all things being equal we wish I could be in the healthy weight range without them. We’re just torn as to whether I’m being foolish and lazy here.
It doesn’t honestly sound like either of you understand how and why GLP1 meds work in the first place (it almost sounds like you’re fretting about taking something more like phentermine, though that can be worth taking too!). It sounds like you both need to let go of a lot of assumptions about success managing weight as sign of strength of character. I think it’s understandable if you sidelined your PCP that you’re more anxious about this than if you had gone through them. Though if your PCP is really still telling people who have already tried to just “try harder,” that raises concerns too! If you didn’t get a thorough workup for medical causes of weight gain or difficulty losing weight before trying this, I wonder if you’d have all these same feelings of guilt if you’d had some tests done that showed the exact kinds of problems that GLP1s can treat?
Your husband just does not understand.
We know that the obesity epidemic is not about will power, self control, or human nature suddenly changing. Most people with food security didn’t struggle this way not all that long ago unless they had an endocrine condition!
We know that CICO is the definition of weight loss, but that our body has homeostasis mechanisms to combat “CO” (like reducing expenditure) or require “CI” (like making it impossible to function on a deficit).
We know that since banned forms of pollution that our grandmothers were exposed while pregnant with daughters can affect their grand daughters’ metabolisms.
We know that there are very commonly used herbicides that block the body’s production of GLP-1 but that made it past the FDA at a time when the science of GLP-1 production wasn’t yet understood.
We know that when GLP-1 meds benefit someone, they see benefits far beyond weight loss or even the expected effects of weight loss. Eric Topol has some good threads on this topic on social media and on his Substack (your husband might learn something from these).
We know that people’s metabolic health isn’t always the same following COVID infections as it was before.
I sense you’re comparing yourself to others who have “done what they needed to do” and lost weight – I’m trying to use your words. Presumably you’re feeling like these people are somehow morally superior and better than you because they had the discipline or whatever to do what needed to be done.
There absolutely are people who have “done what they needed to do.” There also are people like me who just got the lucky genes – I’m tall and thin. I always have been and, even as I’m in my mid-40s, I still am. I exercise a lot because I like it and I generally eat pretty well. But I got lucky. And there probably are many people who are like me. Couild I be leaner and healthier? Absolutely. Have I been willing to make the life changes to do that even though I often wish that I were? Nope.
I think the drugs even the playing field and make you more like me. You didn’t get the lucky genetics on this topic that I did. Drugs fixed that. Now you can go about living your life.
We all struggle with different things. We all got good and bad genes for different things. We are all dedicated and focused on different things. No one has all the best options, which is why I think comparing myself to others is not the best use of my energy. Unfortunately, people’s weight is on display and we have moralized it without having any idea who the person actually is, what their lives look like today and in the past, what their bodies are doing now or before, etc.
Congratulations on finding a solution to something in your life that you wanted to change. In any other aspect, that’s exactly what people would say to you – you identified something in your life that you didn’t like and you took action to change it. I think that’s worthy of applause.
Op thanks for this.I feel like I don’t deserve this. I guess the reason I’m so down on myself is that for my whole adult life I would just be able to stick to my calories, just do the cico and make it work if I wanted to lose weight. Sure there were tricks like high volume low cal foods, distracting myself, remembering my goals but I could do it. For the past three years I just couldn’t: I’d get distracted enough by the hunger, even in a mild deficit, that I’d just eat more to get to feeling normal so that I could function at work and as a mom.It didn’t feel like food noise as much as real deal hunger, like id just need food to feel ok. I hate that my body didn’t really need the food but my stupid mind was too messed up to know that without the drug. It does feel like a failure on some level, like my willpower was broken, not my body. I think the fact that my husband witnessed all of this, including me loosing the ability to control my weight and still sees me as a fool who does the easy dangerous thing, rather than the difficult wise thing, kind of reinforces it. People might stop asking me if I’m pregnant soon but I don’t really deserve to feel ok about how I look because I needed the drug to manage my own eating.
The fact that your husband sees you as a fool is a reason to consider divorce not to doubt your own decisions.
To me this seems like evidence that you do have adequate will power, and something else changed.
I don’t really know why you think the hunger messages were coming from your mind (thoughts, cognition) and not your body (hormonal signals, blood sugar levels), except that this can be easy to mix up.
It can be irresponsible to cut calories if we need them to function. I’ve done it before and passed out and needed a ride home from work: this was not the responsible adult decision! I think you were wise to do what you needed to do to function, but if you needed to eat to function, that was a bodily need, not a character flaw.
I suspect the GLP-1 meds don’t work this well for people who didn’t need them.
This post and the one above worry me in a different direction. I think you need to interrogate your own deeply held beliefs about overweight people. Do you have overweight friends or relatives? Do you secretly judge them for being fools and think that they don’t deserve dignity?
If someone asks about your non-existent pregnancy, I get being angry or unhappy, but embarrassment points to something else that you could probably address within yourself. It will be hard since it sounds like all the people around you are contributing to this.
Wow, you are way way too hard on yourself, and your feelings are really common sadly.
Our biology has evolved to try to keep us from loosing weight. Once you gain, your fat cells literally produce a molecule that circulates to the brain and tells your brain “KEEP ME FULL of FAT…..”. So anytime you try to eat less and the cells shrink in size they release more of this molecule that makes you feel hungry, thinking about food all the time. Feeling hungry is unpleasant and to feel really hungry all the time is literally a form of torture. Add life stressors/sleep difficulties/hormonal changes etc… and then it becomes even more futile. Sure many of us could be more ideal in our food choices, but someone who is thin usually doesn’t have constant feelings of hunger to deal with. And trying to “starve” your cells that screaming for more food on these crushing low calorie diets is futile. It is just a completely different daily experience.
These drugs are revolutionary by quieting these brain pathways that drive us to need to eat more. And its so interesting how they are helping other compulsive behaviors too in a complex way. Too bad they are so expensive and that they will bankrupt us!
Honestly, what I worry about now is all the malnutrition that we will start seeing as people eat less. It is actually hard to eat a healthy diverse diet if you loose your hunger signals without careful planning and routine. That’s one reason why so many of us are iron/calcium/b vitamin deficient and more…. even when we think we are trying to be healthy. So I hope doctors are hooking folks on these medicines in with nutrition to make sure that the dramatically reduced food intake is sufficient to give your body what it needs.
For sure many, many overweight people are also insulin resistant, and elevated insulin levels make it so hard to burn fat (insulin is better at creating fat than allowing it to be burned for energy).
Cronometer is a good tool for quickly checking whether we’re hitting intake requirements. That can be a basis for seeing a dietician to discuss whether a multivitamin or something like Ensure is recommended.
I multivitamin isn’t enough, for example. Calcium and Iron can’t be taken correctly and absorbed when they are taken as part of a multivitamin.
Sure, but this is why it helps to see a dietician. A multivitamin may still be recommended if someone is getting enough calcium and iron, for example. Or they may recommend something else (some of the powdered drinks are formulated so that everything can absorb together, sort of like baby formula but for adult needs).
So–I hope you can take few analogies here, but…sometimes people’s metabolism’s are just not perfect, and these drugs help you get to where you need to be.
I’ve had moderate to severe asthma since birth. I take an asthma pill (anti-leukotriene, singulair) and inhalers every day, and if I don’t, I literally can’t breathe.
Diabetics need insulin to function.
It might be that you need these meds to function. And that is not shameful–it’s science. You didn’t come out perfect, and that’s OK. Lean into the pride that you are doing something to make your body work better, don’t shame yourself for not having a perfectly functioning body in the first instance.
Human bodies are marvellous, when you think about all of the different systems and processes and how it all works together. The fact that you’re not 100% perfect is not a shameful thing. It’s just medical, there should be no judgement about the fact that you get hungrier, or your body doesn’t react well to traditional dieting. It’s not your fault.
I have a small pill box from etsy that I keep my asthma pills in — it’s a 1950’s illustrated housewife that says “Better living through chemistry.” That’s your slogan. Go with that.
Oh, and I lost 30 lbs via compounded mounjaro earlier this year, and I’m happy I did, and have kept it off now that I’ve been off the drugs for seven months. Maybe you need a little reset, maybe you need these forever–either way, don’t shame yourself, and don’t let your husband shame you either! You are worthy at any weight or size.
I went on compounded GLP1 in February and am down 40 lbs. I don’t have a single regret, and have never felt even a second of shame at my decision. Quite the opposite — I’m kind of mad, actually, that it took me this long to find a solution for me.
My favorite thing about GLP1s (not that you asked) is that now I can actually enjoy and find pleasure in the foods I love. Before this, it was like a craving that I couldn’t satiate. I can buy a bag of Doritos now and just eat a handful and feel satisfied and happy, versus buying a bag and regretting it *while literally paying for it* because I knew I would eat it all in 1-2 sittings and feel terrible. I cannot believe how differently I operate now on these meds. I am so, so grateful for them.
I would encourage you to track your feelings (the physical ones, not just your emotions) and refer back to them often to work through those feelings of shame. I hope you can eventually lean into the gratitude and wonder!
My mother does not use her words, then mopes and pouts and cries when people (me) don’t read her mind.
I’m in my 40s, this is not new, and my kids are now old enough that they see her behavior for what it is too. My parents are divorced and my dad and his partner are just….normal? They use words to try and make plans, we work together to figure out what works and then…surprise!…we get together and enjoy eachothers company.
I don’t enjoy her company generally, and certainly do not enjoy the mental gymnastics of putting myself in a place to be in her company. I’ve made peace with this. It’s just…still exhausting. And yesterday took the cake.
She asked via text about coming over on a school night to say hello to the kids and deliver a birthday present while she’s in the state for a family wedding this weekend. Over a few separate texts, she mentioned she’s staying with her sister about 45 minutes away from me.
I confirmed the day/time and said it was a busy school night but she’s welcome to swing by and be part of the chaos. She came, made everything 5x harder as we tried to get 3 kids to 472635 activities, and when I asked if she’d be staying for dinner (she never brought it up), she said honey, I was planning stay until Sunday. Like a full on 4 day stay, including going to and from the family wedding with my family. W the actual F. I went back to look at my texts, and no, I didn’t miss anything. She *assumed* I would want her to stay because *of course* she wants to see the kids, and her feelings are *so hurt* that I would be *so put out* by this.
To be clear, if we had talked about this in advance, it would have been annoying but doable. But we have plans (leaving for a 7am tournament, kid having a friend sleep over, DH and I have a sitter booked for a night, etc) And I was not prepared for a house guest at ALL! We are out of milk and I didn’t re arrange the kids to have a free bed! I offered to pay for a hotel, said we are just totally unprepared to have company, and she just stomped off.
She ended up staying the night on the couch, then apparently figured something out because she dramatically announced she’d “have to see you at the wedding” to the kids as they got ready for school this AM…and I was like yup, you’ll see her tomorrow!
You did the right thing: make her bear the consequences of not using her words.
I know you know this, but as somebody who also has an emotionally immature parent… there’s no way you could have literally done anything that would make her happy.
Invite her to stay? She’s butt hurt you’re ‘distracted’. Cancel activities to be available for her? ‘She has plans’. You can’t win and it’s exhausting. Good on you for holding boundaries.
Yes, you’re right. And I do know that and said as much to my husband who was also proud of me. And we do use the term “emotionally immature” with her, so perhaps you are my long lost sibling ;). This was just a vent because I woke up still annoyed about the whole thing and haven’t been able to go for a run yet.
I’m glad you know but also – never ever doubt the ability of an emotionally immature parent to gaslight you and somehow make you feel like a terrible person. Literally their superpower.
So I’ll keep saying it: you’re not the one being weird here.
Good for you for not caving and letting her stay.
Honestly good. Let her face consequences. You did nothing wrong.
This would drive me mad too!
Sympathies. She SAID she was staying with her sister. Why would she then assume you would jump in to host her? She is the one being unreasonable, and while awkward and uncomfortable, you did well to explain the reality of your life situation to her.
I wouldn’t have even offered to pay for the hotel. Sleeping on the couch with no special treatment is the right response. You’re slowly training her that you won’t bend over backwards to accommodate her.
You did the right thing OP!
I’m feeling like months and years of life are passing and when I look back it’s mostly a blur. Does anyone have any tricks for sort of “punctuating” time so it doesn’t feel so blurry? I don’t have kids but I feel like people who do naturally have some of those time “landmarks” (each new grade in school, kid’s first sports game, kid learns to drive, etc.) and sense of progression. Any similar non-kid ideas?
I swear to god, this is part of why I rotate my wardrobe and deep clean my house quarterly. Helps me really “feel” each season.
I read this really fascinating article once about how novel experiences “slow time down” because your brain remembers new things better. For instance, can you remember anything specific about a random night watching tv, or a random flight you’ve been on? Probably no, because you were used to those things, so the way your brain stores them is to basically not catalogue it. But do you remember when you took a daytrip somewhere, or went rock climbing, or took a new class? Probably a lot better, because your brain keeps track of new experiences.
I’m doing a poor job explaining this, but doing new out of the ordinary things is the way!
I don’t think this is the exact article, but it explains the concept– https://brainworldmagazine.com/exploring-the-brain-changing-magic-of-novelty/#google_vignette
And that is why time accelerates as we get older. When you’re a kid, you have new experiences and learn new things constantly. Then the routines set in.
This. Like before or after I went to Europe, or before or after I went the mountaintop.
If you have a recurring seasonal ritual – do something traditional and something novel. Same Christmas carols, new recipe(s). Same recipes, new decor.
Always go out? Try hosting. Always host? Try going out.
Try seasonal hobbies – even houseplants need different care in winter than summer.
Just some ideas. I sometimes feel like my religion (Judaism, reform) does this really well (what is a year but recurring holidays and traditions?) and also can get stuck in a rut (Grandma’s soup recipe! Grandma’s been dead for 50 years!) but that might count as a seasonal hobby or community for you
I was feeling this really strongly early in the pandemic. In 2021 one of my NY’s resolutions was to do something “memorable” every month. I kept a list, and kind of decided on the fly what “qualified” so it might have been an especially good brunch with my husband, or going to see a play, or going on a bucket list vacation. The whole range of things, basically. That really helped a lot, and I’ve kept doing it.
I also have a long-standing tradition of doing a quick review at the end of the year (I use a resource called YearCompass – https://yearcompass.com/en). Part of that involves writing out all the stuff that happened – I use my day planner / calendar and also my list of memorable things.
This combination has really helped me pay attention and remember, and also has pushed me to do more things that are “memorable”-worthy!
I keep a day-planner for other reasons, but it has also helped in this regard.
In addition to writing in my plans, I often also include a few words about what I did. They are generously decorated in stickers, washi tape and colored pens — I periodically look back through them and it really helps me remember the great restaurants I went to, or something I cooked for the first time that turned out well.
They build up over time – I have a series of 8 years worth of planners at this point!
I’m feeling the same and I’m also childfree. My personal solution is I’m reading about pagan traditions for the “wheel” of the year. In 2024 for each of the 8 seasonal festivals I’m taking a few minutes to journal a quick page on stuff like what activities and traditions I’m doing at that time, who I’m spending time with, and what this time of year means for me. It has helped me to pause and be more intentional and aware of what’s going on around me and which season we’re in. Especially since I live in the city where nature looks a little different, it can be easy to overlook the seasonal changes. I modified a few of the prescribed 8 calendar points to be tailored to my actual life so there’s a strong individual connection, since I’m not like harvesting wheat lol. So instead of dancing around a May pole I’m celebrating the Kentucky Derby. Instead of making Lammas loaves I’m holding a crab feast.
oh! anything else you can share about getting more into this or resources? Ive struggled with SAD and this feeling as well.
I hosted a fall equinox get together with a friend and want to incorporate more seasonal markings into my year for solstices and equinoxes. My family celebrates the big christian holidays and those are nice traditions, but Im not religious myself. I get into the christmas/yule season as much as I cant, but have become increasingly melancholic about the holiday. And I dont find any of the easter traditions meaningful to me.
So it turns out a lot of the holidays or time markers we think of are based on many Christian saints’ days which are based on seasonal variations tied to Greek / Roman gods and goddesses.
February 2 – Groundhog Day),
May 1 – May Day,
early September – Labor Day
November 11 – Veterans Day
Are all close to about halfway between the solstice and the equinox, known as cross-quarter days, and related to some particular saints and traditions – like Mary with MayDay, and St. Martin around Veterans Day.
I don’t know much about Wiccan or Pagan views of these things, but in pre-Modern times, these were important church days that were also used as important secular days for things like tax collection or school year starting or ending.
Once you know this you can do semi-fun things like look up traditional recipes for these dates and different places and times (like England post-Reformation is different from Italy 1400s) and have a get-together, no May Pole needed. Or look up other customs like how traditional Japanese culture has 24 seasons, every 2 weeks!
Any other calendar history dorks in the house?
I’m sorry to hear about the SAD. I hope you find something that lifts your spirits! I’m still working through this idea as this is my first year trying it out and seeing if it sticks. But I started by reading online about the general days making up the wheel of the year. I can’t remember which resources I read about the wheel of the year but it’s pretty standard stuff so I think you’ll have luck with a basic internet search. As each of these 8 days throughout the year approaches, I’ve been thinking about my personal celebrations and traditions. I’m not really trying to create new events at this point, just calling my attention to what I’m already planning for that are important to me, and trying to deepen that experience.
Childfree here too, I do a few things that definitely punctuate time.
For changing the seasons, I do a special yoga practice (108 sun sals) on the solstice or equinox.
I used to do season bucket lists but kind of fell off them this year. but do enjoy them!
For every full moon, I do a special meditation on zoom that I love.
After I do our taxes every year I book a skydive and go that spring.
I’ve only done this once, but this last year we did a national park hiking trip over my birthday, so on my birthday we summited two mountains in day hikes. Huge huge fan of this and I want to make it an annual thing.
Every October DH and I only watch scary tv shows and movies (we watch Evil so far this month, and are watching Hysteria right now). Then in December we only watch holiday shows/movies.
Random ideas but I look forward to all of them!
You do 108 sun salutations in a row?!
:) Yep it’s a thing! HIGHLY recommend if you have a flow practice.
This is partly why I travel
Laura Vanderkam has a lot of content on this topic. Bottom line, variety is the spice – and lengthener – of life. A series of days that feel the same will feel short. Lots of variety and activity will feel longer. When there are many memorable things that happened in the last, say, 2 months, something that happened 2 months ago will feel like a long time ago! I’m blown away that my summer vacation was only 3 1/2 months ago. To say a ton has happened since then is a gross understatement.
I may have different interests than you but my interests have seasonality to them. I like to cook, and what I cook varies with the season, both in terms of what’s fresh (fruit and veg) and what I feel like eating according to the weather (salad in summer, stew in winter, for instance.)
I like to knit but mainly in cooler weather, so sitting down in the evening with an audiobook and my knitting really means it’s fall to me.
I’m also an avid outdoor walker, so I experience the seasonal changes very much that way. I’m a Californian (bay area) and people don’t think we have seasons but we very much do.
So this seasons within a year.
In terms of years, I see the passage of time on my own face and body and am not fighting it as much as some people do. I practice a lot of gratitude that I have the privilege of aging and still being here.
Traveling does this for me. I try to do a big trip each year, plus a few smaller weekend trips.
Has anyone gone from in-house to hanging your own shingle? I’m in a niche litigation practice in-house and have been my entire career. I’m burned out on corporate culture and fighting for the big company. I’m considering going to the other side and opening my own practice (probably start virtual). Any advice or anecdata?
Do it if you no longer need to make money.
+1. This is obviously very much a YMMV question, but unless you have a solid book of business, going solo is no joke. I’ve seen many colleagues try and fail at it. I’m in house now and you couldn’t pay me enough to convince me to give that up for all the attendant risks of a solo practice.
I went solo, but I’m transactional, and I have to have a physical office, so I assume that changes quite a few things. I can email you more thoughts if you post a burner but in general these things were very helpful: state bar website/CLE and reddit (solofirm – I think there may also be a small firm one as well). Look for lists and overviews of the things to think about: office space, employees, IOLTA, registrations, research subscriptions, advertising, etc.
I was a partner and took most of my own clients with me, so I had immediate business plus referrals from other local attorneys and have had to do very little advertising. Word of mouth is critically important for me. Start up costs were less than $10,000 (including lots of physical office items that you may not need) but have been financially in the black since the first month.
Biggest complaints – honestly, lack of a good legal secretary (I had much better ones when I was at a firm), and lack of back up if I need or want to take time off. I make probably around 15%-20% less and spend more time working in the evenings and weekends than I used to (this is partly bad time management on my part), but it’s so, so, so, worth it not to deal with the people at my last office.
FWIW – my mantra was always that if this didn’t work out, I would look for another firm job somewhere.
If you are in MA, perchance, there is a program called Mass LOMAP, which is now under the LCL umbrella, that is about office management for solos–lots of great webinars, resources, all free. Highly recommend you see if they have programming or tips or mentor programs. Also, even if you are not in MA, you can join the webinars.
I’m a sole practitioner consultant and boy do I miss a good assistant. But I’ve managed all the assistants in a corporate setting in the past (of course as the most senior woman, they gave me the assistants to manage) but I don’t want employees and couldn’t keep an assistant busy full time. It would be nice to have a time share but I don’t think my workflow is consistent enough.
Is it too early in the fall for a holiday family x food question? My family puts nuts in everything. I have no allergies, but really dislike having nuts in literally every single dish at the holidays. I’ve asked in the past for a portion to not include nuts and nothing is going to change. So whatever, I can deal, I love my family. But, this year I am so over eating things I dislike just to keep the peace. What’s the most acceptable but non dramatic and least petty way to not eat nuts at the holidays? Specifically, let’s imagine it’s something I would otherwise want like a slice of apple pie with pecans in it. As long as I don’t surgically dig out the pecans, is it rude to eat around the nuts and leave them on my plate, without saying a word about it? Would it become rude if I did this with not only the apple pie but also the stuffing, the salad, the vegetable side dishes, etc? Alternatively, should I just not take any dish with nuts? (To be honest, that feels super obvious because it means I’d only eat maybe like 2 dishes out of 8-10 items). In the past I tried to solve this by hosting and cooking myself and someone added nuts to my dishes while they were in process!
No, eating around the stuff you don’t like without comment isn’t rude at all. I doubt people will notice what’s left on your plate. And I would bring a dish to share that you like.
Bring your own food? Unfortunately anyone who is deemed to be ‘picky’ usually just has to fend for themselves.
Yeah I feel like bringing your own food is actually a good idea! If your family is nuts about nuts, make it yourself? If you’re traveling you could even order it nut-free nearby for pickup
+1
Of course you don’t make a big deal about it. You’re not 5. Leave/remove what you don’t want (or skip the item entirely), eat before you arrive, or bring a dish to contribute made the way you like it.
Eating around the nuts is completely fine. I know some people love nuts but I do think they’re divisive enough that some people generally don’t like them and would eat around it. Don’t have to announce it. I also think having nuts in almost every dish is . . . nuts.
It’s your family! If they’re up in arms because they think it’s rude to eat around nuts in dishes, they need their head examined.
Haha, it’s ok to be blunt with family. If I was out and someone presented me a meal w nuts in it, I’d eat it. With my family I’d be like “I’ve requested for WELL OVER A DECADE to cool it w the nuts. I’m not eating this.” And just let them be mad at me.
They’d just cluck about how difficult I was but would probably adjust (super dramatically) for next time.
No, it’s not rude at all. You don’t need to pointedly leave a pile of nuts on your plate: SEE, I HATE THEM WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME I’VE TOLD YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN STOP IGNORING WHAT MATTERS TO ME. You can just not eat them and move on.
I’m guessing this whole thing has reached BEC point for you, AKA, “FEN” (Family Eating Nuts) and there’s a lot of irritation and intensity around it. But honestly, it can also just be de-escalated to a simple, ‘Eh, I don’t really like nuts so I don’t eat them” [shrug] thing.
Lol, I love FEN.
Wow, that sounds nuts!
sorry, couldn’t help it – it’s true though. They are putting too much nuts, you gotta do what you gotta do, OP!
You are left with these items then? Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, parker house rolls, deviled eggs, cornbread. All great and likely without nuts. And then pick at anything else to get around the nuts. You can do it!
lol I wish this is what is left. We don’t do eggs and cornbread. There are nuts in the mashed potatoes and often the gravy. It would truly just be turkey and the white rolls that are completely nut free. There are also nuts in the cranberry sauce, the stuffing, all of the pies, the green beans, the salad, the roasted vegetables… they go big. Maybe I’ll also try bringing a few additional sides too, I just figured after the audacity of someone adding nuts to the dishes when I hosted that was even more likely to happen at someone else’s house.
How are there nuts in mashed potatoes?! I’ve never heard of that and can’t conceive of it! Do you guys own a nut orchard? 😂
Seriously — that’s nuts!
Generations ago, did someone lose a bet?
It’s weird to put nuts in mashed potatoes and gravy. It’s also weird that you’ve asked for some foods not to have nuts and your family has ignored you. I feel like most families would accommodate a request like that. Sorry you have to deal with this. I would bring some of your own sides.
Nuts is mashed potatoes is bonkers.
This is so wild. Someone added nuts to the dish that you brought?! Whyyyy
I have to ask this: WHAT NUTS do they put in mashed potatoes. I am an adventurous eater and I am coming up blank on possibilities for this.
I know, I really like nuts, and still having problems with this one. I understand pecans or walnuts in mashed sweet potatoes and in pies, almonds on the green beans, and pretty much any nut in the salad, but it would be easy to do them on the side for the salad and beans, and I’m just totally baffled by the mashed potatoes and gravy.
What kind of white nonsense is that? Mashed potatoes? Gravy? The nuts aren’t the issue. These people can’t cook. Eat none of it.
Tell me you’re southern without saying it 😂
OP, for years I had to go to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. Beautiful cook – her dishes could be on the cover of Martha Stewart magazine – but literally no flavor, no seasoning, no spices. When I set the table the last time, I plunked the salt and pepper shakers down right in front of my place setting. After filling my plate, I proceeded to generously salt and pepper everything without tasting it first (!). My mom called me out out loud, in front of my aunt, about how rude it was. I tried to respond as politely as I could that I knew my aunt had her treasured recipes that she used every year and I was just adjusting them to my liking. So OP, build that pile of nuts on the side of your plate! It’s ok as an adult to eat food you like!
Not the OP, but we are big Southern food people, but it has no nuts (except for pecan pie and maybe some people doing their sweet potatoes that way, but crust-topping only). Our food does have flavor, but we are in the BBQ has red pepper and vinegar as a base, so we may roll differently than other places.
Nah, I say this as someone deeply Southern–nuts in mashed potatoes is weird. Nuts in mashed SWEET potatoes, however, is totally normal.
We are not the same kind of Southern. We season our food.
Wondering how bad could it potentially be, I discovered that the following recipes somehow exist: mashed potatoes with walnuts (or sweet potatoes with pecans), pecan stuffed deviled eggs, maple walnut cornbread, turkey gravy with cider and walnuts, and turkey with berry mint sauce and black walnuts. No benutted parker house rolls turned up, at least. I wouldn’t have thought any of those things could possibly include nuts, but maybe they’re truly insane with their nut add-ins! Or very prolific pecan and/or walnut farmers.
“benutted” has me on the floor
You win. They’re monsters who put nuts in the mashed potatoes! I’d happily take servings and push the nuts to the side. I am pick and often don’t like weird pieces of meat or raisins or beans. I’ve always just pushed things around. It’s not like a diplomatic dinner!
Honestly you can dig out the pecans if you like; you’re overthinking this. It would be rude for someone not to mind their own business about how you eat your pie, stuffing, salad, and vegetables!
This is the OP – thank you all for the gut check. I’ll quietly just eat around them and also bring a few other sides. Maybe one of my other cousins is suffering in silence too!
Heh. If you left a pile of nuts or raisins or something on you plate, where I’m from, you’d be considered a rude picky eater – unless it’s some sort of allergy.
HOWEVER. Your family are nuts. Insisting on nuts in everything changes the social maths here. Insisting after you have asked them not to absolutely gives you a free pass.
I’m glad you agree this is a free pass situation, but I also hope customs start to change where you are. There are medical reasons to limit nut consumption that aren’t allergies and also aren’t polite topics of dinner conversation (!).
We get through truly horrible food at my SILs by each of the other families bringing a bottle of wine and a salad or side dish. The wine dulls the pain and we can pull together enough food to get through the meal.
I love nuts and find this level of nuts-in-the-mashed-potatoes really weird.
I am also petty and would lean in on dramatic surgical removal of them, bringing a scalpel and everything. Maybe even would have extra handfuls of nuts nearby so I could sprinkle them in all the wine glasses within reach, and casually dust more on neighboring plates every time they turn their head.
I think it’s rude to tell anyone else how to cook food, especially if you have no allergies. So bring a dish you enjoy and share it. But don’t bitch about what someone else is cooking for you.
I feel like every family that is way outside norms gets a little push back from some family member at some point.
Growing up, when one family’s festive meals always centered on fish, one kid “didn’t eat fish.” If the family finds a way to work bacon or red meat into every dish on the table, how long is it before some sibling or cousin goes vegetarian? My friend whose family loaded up every savory dish with garlic definitely insisted on bringing some garlic-free sides.
I know I’m never going to forget the nuts in the mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and gravy family now.
I’m looking for advice on how to stay on top of and remember the status of many different ongoing projects at work? I’m a lawyer and work on a lot of different projects with teams and the projects all move at very different paces. Some projects are things I work on at least a little bit every day and some are things that go quiet for months while others are working on them and then re-emerge with questions for me. For those projects that go quiet for months, I’m having a very hard time remembering what the issues were when the project resurfaces. It’s making me feel like my memory is failing me! How do you deal with this? A big list? On paper or electronic? Some kind of status spreadsheet?
One of the tools made for this – Monday.com, JIRA, Asana, take your pick
I’m surprised some kind of project management tool isn’t already standard. A spreadsheet would work, or something like Microsoft Planner, Trello, or JIRA.
This. For my own work, I use MS Planner + OneNote. To keep track of my team’s work (in addition to what the project managers provide for me), I have a quick and dirty spreadsheet where I keep a tab of open questions/follow-up items in addition to one with status notes
I use Gmail’s snooze feature to bring emails back to the top of my inbox for this. But I maintain inbox zero; if you don’t, this could be harder.
I”m a paper kind of person, so for the projects that would disappear for a while, I started printing out a cover sheet that I’d put with the paper documentation. It merely noted the name of the project, and then (on one page) I kept the major notes to remind me of what stage it had been in when I left it.
You could also start a file to do this kind of summary for each project.
Or send yourself an email.
The key is, start in the most simple way possible, and then get a more involved or elaborate system if you find you need it. (My issue is that I get involved in creating the system, when actually I just need a note somewhere where I’ll remember to look for it.)
I’m a huge fan of using kanban boards in trello, monday or jira. You can have different swim lanes (columns) with different statuses. I am in corporate, and I usually have a lane for “projects that people mentioned as sometday or upcoming”. This is usually called a backlog or parking lot in agile-speak. Then I have a to-do, for projects that should be started this week. Then the rest of the columns will depend on your workflow, but for me, it’s “drafted”, out for comment – internal, out for comment – external, out for signature, and done.
Each week I move the “tiles” for each project around. It’s amazing to have this be electronic, because I can add emails or attachment to projects, and so if something goes dark for a few weeks, I still have everything I need at hand to pick stuff back up, and I don’t waste time looking for things.
Yes, you have to retrain your work style to remember to “move the tiles” or add comments (Fred signed off on termination for convenience via email on 10/24″ or whatever, but once you do, it increases your efficiency so much. It’s also great for planning a realistic week of projects (plus ad-hoc requests that come in) and keeping me from overpromising on new projects, because I can see at a glance, based on the weekly to-do, whether my plate is pretty full. It’s also helpful to nudge you to tackle those projects that don’t get done for a few weeks in a row, and re-prioritize. If you use JIRA, you can also track how long signatures or reveiews by others take, so that you can see how efficient you/the dept is, versus others. This helps you streamline processes or identify bottlenecks.
In other words, kanban board. I’m a huge fan.
My entire practice runs through the Outlook tasks list. If I have to do it today or three months from now, it goes on the list. when it’s done, it goes off.
Stuff is also docketed on the calendar (hearings, statutes of limitations, discovery deadlines, etc.)
When I was managing actual projects: JIRA.
Now that i am managing an office: a giant whiteboard with categories and dates, Excel spreadsheet calendar with each file for each date, and Outlook reminders.
My hair is short, fine, and thinning. What is a ballpark amount you spend on getting extensions, how often, and how long does it take to have them attached?
there was a thread on this yesterday morning with some good information!
I have this hair and my stylist said extensions wouldn’t work. I would talk to your stylist, or get a recommendation to an extension specialist. The poster yesterday had shoulder-length hair I think, so there was enough to attach to/hide the knots or glue. I do not. Good luck!
You might be a better candidate for a topper or a halo than extensions. If there’s not enough volume, extensions can rip/damage thin hair. There are a number of youtube videos about different options. I have a hidden crown and I asked my stylist to do a root dye to make it look even more natural. As another bonus, it’s so much cheaper than extensions.
The subreddit femalehairadvice has lots of good insights on this.
Gottman-trained therapist recommendation in the Atlanta area, anyone? Or maybe anywhere if the therapist will see patients virtually? It is so hard to find someone that is “good.” Thank you!
If you send me a burner email, I can reach out with recommendations. I am Gottman trained therapist myself (in CT, not Atlanta) so I know what to look for.
Are flared jeans, the kind that are more fitted in the thigh and knee a current look? They are more flattering to me than wide legged pants, but I also remember wearing the flared leg style 20 years ago and am (irrationally?) wondering if they will make my 40-something self look dated. If flared jeans are current, tips on styling?
Yes flares are back.
They’re everywhere right now. I think they’re fine! Just wear them with a shorter top, not a long flowy one, and you’ll be fine.
My body type looks GOOD in a flare jean. Wide legs make me look like a Lego person. It ain’t cute.
Yes
Yes, they’re current. I think the styling is key. The older I get (I’m older than you) the more I realize that when I wear something I wore 20 years ago, I need the rest of my look to signal that I’m current, and am not merely wearing the same thing I’ve been wearing for 20 years. For me, that’s signaled with shoes, hair style, glasses, and the silhouette of the rest of my outfit.
Yes, and highly recommend the AE High Rise Skinny Kick for tall gals. They are a dream! Spanx also makes great mini-bootcut jeans. Big flares are too “I’m in middle school” for me.
29-year old here who loves flare jeans! I have a black pair that look cute with black high top converse.
Also, if you like flares, you might like these from Free People. They’re basically a looser flare but still close to the body in the hips/thighs. I love them. https://www.freepeople.com/shop/tinsley-baggy-high-rise-jeans/
I am planning on going to a political rally tomorrow. I’m nervous though because I know that there will be a lot of standing and waiting, and people have been fainting at these rallies. I don’t have any major health conditions but I want to make sure I can get through it. Any tips? What should I bring?
My usuals for spending time outdoors in crowds include: my comfortable shoes, a snack and something to drink, and a brimmed hat. Also remember not to lock your knees if you’re standing a long time! If you’re someone who ever gets a bit lightheaded standing in lines, shapewear or compression can really help (it physically makes it easier for your body to push blood upward towards your brain and prevents pooling in your feet, legs, or torso).
Dress very comfortably and in layers – athleisure could work for this. Bring water and snacks. Bathrooms may be hard though. Keep a small first aid kit with you. Power bank for your phone.
Maybe read some tips on what to do if you do feel faint? I know slowly lowering yourself to the ground is one (keeps you from falling & possibly helps with circulation). Also avoid getting dehydrated to prevent fainting.
I think fainting is kind of normalized, but it can actually be a symptom of something serious so it’s advisable to actually go to the ER & get checked out if it does happen.
If you have time, and the venue allows it, consider bringing a triangle coaching chair. They’re lightweight and easy to set up.
There’s one from REI- “Quik-E-Seat Chair”.
Drink electrolytes and eat a protein and fat dense snack that also contains carbs beforehand.
Don’t lock your knees.
A political rally isn’t any different than any other time you’re standing around for a long time.
Niche travel question but I figure y’all will know if anyone does…I have to be in Berlin on January 2 for work, and I’m trying to figure out if it would be worth it to fly in with my husband a few days early and spend NYE there. I’ve heard Berlin is pretty dead and a lot of things are closed between Christmas and the start of the New Year, but that there are a couple of Christmas markets that will still be open. Thoughts?
He’s not big on city vacations to begin with, so I don’t want to drag him to Berlin and have us just end up sitting in a hotel room the whole time.
I have been there on New Year’s and had a good time. I still liked the Christmas markets, shopping, and normal touristy stuff like museums. The only thing of note I have to say is that the number of fireworks being set off for the holiday was truly shocking to me – I couldn’t believe it was legal.
Yes, I spent NYE in Berlin and get kind of triggered by explosives and it honestly was not a pleasant experience. Random fireworks being detonated feet away from me on the open sidewalk every few seconds for about 35 minutes: That being said, there were no big issues with restaurants, museums etc being open. It was chilly but the markets were fun. I otherwise enjoyed Berlin.
Okay great, I’m glad to hear that things were open. If we can get food, drinks, hit a Christmas market, and do some museums, we’ll be fine.
I’ve been at the same time of year before, just never earlier than the 2nd. I did still get to experience people setting off fireworks in the subway and jumping out of my skin though. My German colleagues were so blase and looked at me like I was insane, then were like “Ohhh, all those shootings you have in America.” A wonderful intercultural moment.
I have no idea about Berlin, but since Europe is so well connected once you’re over there, you could pick a ton of cities for a couples’ trip, then you train or fly to Berlin while he flies home? Like girl spend NYE in Paris.
Yeah, I spent NYE in Vienna in my 20s, and even as a NYE hater, I LOVED it!
I actually thought about Paris because he’s never been and I haven’t been since college, but he studied German in school and has never been to Germany so he said he’d rather do Germany! Vienna might be a good option though, neither of us have been there.
This work trip is also going to be exhausting so part of me wants to keep the logistics as simple as possible.
I’d go somewhere else, Berlin is my least favorite city in Europe, devoid of charm.