Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Hammered Metallic Button Sweater Vest

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1. GM Hive! Has anyone had experience with QiQi hair treatment? It’s “a professional, permanent, organic, and vegan hair straightening and smoothing treatment that retextures hair without harsh, damaging chemicals like formaldehydes. It differs from keratin treatments by permanently altering the hair’s structure to remove frizz, enhance shine, and straighten, lasting until new roots grow out.” My salon charges $400 for the treatment and it’s supposed to last 5-6 months.

   I have shoulder length, porous, wavy hair that gets very frizzy in warm, humid weather. Hoping this will give me some styling options other than having it in a bun, pony tail, etc. all summer. I currently wash and style every 3 days using the Revlon brush.

   Thanks!

   1. Does it hold up in salt water? My problem with other treatments is you have to give up swimming for a while.

   2. I don’t have experience but am following bc I also would love to have some options in the summer besides frizz ball.

   3. 5-6 months of grow out is a lot if the rest of your hair has a really different texture.

      1. My thought, too. Hair grows at different rates for different people, but this would be several inches for me.

2. Another wrinkle on elder caregiving. If a person is likely terminally ill and insists on dying at a shared home, can the other adults be held liable for neglect? How do they protect themselves when the person seems to be in the dying process from the course of their illness (stage 4 ovarian cancer) but the ER won’t take them but they can’t walk or eat? They pulled out a NG feeding tube. Do the others in the house just monitor them until they die? What if this goes on for a while — do they just call 911 every day to show that they aren’t neglecting the person? They aren’t even lucid in this state but might seem to be minimally able to reject care. There has been no one willing to provide guidance — this isn’t what oncologists or ER or GP doctors do but no one seems to own the final days, weeks, and months. The others in the house are likely going through PTSD and trauma just watching this unfold.

   1. Hospice

   2. Hospice exists just for this.

   3. Hospice often isn’t a place you can deliver someone to though. It may be someone who comes in several times a week at best. It’s all on family (if you have them; if not, I don’t even know how they get in the door). How often do landlords or police just find people after the fact.

      1. The person wants to die at home. So a hospice that comes into the home is what is wanted.

         1. Yes, hospice can come to your home. This is exactly what you need.

            1. +1

      2. I understand, but no one said it’s a place you deliver someone to. The question was about liability for neglect.

         Generally, more people die at home than at the hospital in the USA. I’m not sure what percent are found by neighbors or family after they’ve died, but it seems common enough among people I know.

         1. I think questions like this are way beyond the scope of what anyone here can provide. At-home hospice is really the best path forward. I highly doubt anyone is going to be held liable for a terminally ill loved one dying at home, but IANL.

            1. From people who have gone that route, what does it entail? And is that something that I need to check with my insurance (or parent’s insurance) to see what might be in a standard package? I guess if you are old, maybe Medicare offers something standard?

               Working on updating my living will and DPA and HCPOA and all that and there is so much to think through. All of my next-of-kin type people have no business trying to wing it at my place with health care if I am terminal.

            2. Have been down that path.
               Yes, medicare covers hospice. All ACA compliant insurance will. You get a referral from your PCP when it’s time. The hospice team will evaluate you/your medical record and determine if you qualify.
               The 101 version is: hospice is for when you are ready to stop pursuing a cure, and focus only on treatments that maintain your quality of life (pain management, nausea
               management, breathlessness) as you die. Palliative care is care aimed at those qol symptoms but at any point in your treatment.

               The big practical thing to know is that hospice doesn’t provide many hours/week of in home nurse assistance. So if you/a parent are needing eg. someone present 24/7 to brush hair, give ice chips, etc.; budget for that separately. Often families cover this by arranging shifts themselves; you can also hire a private duty nurse or PCA. The actual hospice nurse is visiting only occasionally, and primarily for things like medication adjustment, taking through the plan with family, etc.

               Occasionally, if a person is already qualifying for a lot of home nursing hours pre-hospice, it can actually make sense to *not* officially switch to hospice, because then insurance stops paying for essentially all non hospice services, including those home care hours. So in that case, when the patient wanted to switch to hospice, we went the DNR route + discussion with all doctors about wanting “a hospice mindset”, wanting treatment to maximize qol but didn’t want any more hospitalizations, palliative goals of care, etc. All the doctors understood.

            3. to the poster at 12:01 – We had in-home hospice for my mother 21 years ago after discharged from the hospital with end stage COPD. We had a nurse come by once a day. Her initial visit, she showed us how to administer morphine and other meds and described what would happen to her as she went through the stages of death. We did most of the caregiving, as she was sedated. When my mother died, we called the mortician we had chosen and he came to pick her up.

            4. Same as Anon at 12:01. Except only 3 years ago. My father was terminal and wanted to die at home. Hospice nurse came a couple of times per week in the beginning and then every day as he got closer to death, but we were able to manage all logistics ourselves. Once he started hospice, it oversaw all medical care, including pain management through death. We were instructed to call the hospice nurse when he died and she came to the house to confirm death; then the mortician came to take the body away. The hospice we used was fantastic and the death was very peaceful.

   4. Please don’t write this in such a weird way. You can say that your grandfather lives with other adults, related or not. Is this a parent who moved in with you and insists on dying in your spare bedroom?

      Regardless, I think your answer is hospice, social workers, and maybe a quick chat with a lawyer. Involvement of police and/or the civil court system depends a lot on whether or not anyone would bring a complaint against the other adults in the home. Does anyone have an incentive and personality to do that?

      1. Right? And when you haven’t even done basic investigation to jump to prosecution or PTSD as the most important issues is doubly weird.

   5. In home hospice

   6. No one is getting prosecuted for this. Take that off the worry list. And for those saying hospice, that’s not a place it’s a treatment choice, or rather a pain relief v life saving measures treatment choice.

      1. Even on hospice, I think it’s still hard on everyone (eg, they are likely incontinent, so there are laundry and hygiene issues and you don’t want skin to break down). I’m not sure I’m prepared to do that for someone 24/7 in a shared home (and not sure if there is a separate room for the dying person), but I have no idea who’d prepare me. My aunt who died at home had a daughter who was an ICU nurse and it was just hard to do emotionally even though she knew what to do and understood the lingo.

         1. What? I’m not saying it isn’t hard. I’m saying this is not a criminal situation and hospice isn’t a place but a treatment choice.

         2. Yes, it’s hard. In the past, caregiving was unpaid work that mostly women did. More recently, my grandparents received around the clock in-home nursing care from real nurses as a benefit, but this seems to be a thing of the past as well. Now it seems it’s largely unpaid work again with some support from professional caretakers of varying degrees of competence and training and trustworthiness, and private equity is taking its toll because of course they are.

            Remember this isn’t just an issue for hospice; there are also many disabled people who need care who aren’t approaching end of life. There are reasons why caregiving has been highlighted as a focus of political campaigns in recent years.

            1. Lol, this is still unpaid work mostly done by women. A monetary value of unpaid caregiving for families rivals Medicare and Medicaid. There is no “in the past” for this. This is only going to get worse as there are not enough resources for all of the people who are aging and living longer with disease. Everyone will be caregiving for somebody or be a patient at some point.

         3. No one said it wasn’t hard, but it is what needs to be done to honor the life of a loved one. Personally I think removing death from our homes and into a medical setting is one of the most tragic outcomes of modern life.

            1. I don’t know about that. My dad was born at home. I’m not sure who cleans up after a home birth (would probably be me; who wants to help with that ever?). A home death is a much longer span of time. Who can lift an adult that I know of? Who even pays my rent or keeps the power on? I think a lot of us will die alone at home accidentally and because we are households of 1 and so many people work remotely and won’t immediately miss us.

         4. Yes. It is hard, emotionally, logistically, physically.

            Caring for a dying loved one is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the hardest thing I’ve seen relatives do. Also the best thing. What else are we human for?

            If you have the option of saving money for respite care, of course I’d recommend that. But if you’re thinking “this sounds hard and scary and sad and I don’t know if I can handle it emotionally”… You’re right. But also, you’ll surprise yourself. When it’s really needed of you, we can do things we didn’t think we could. You’ll know what to do.

      2. This poster only adds things to the worry list.

   7. maybe a death doula? if you or they are religious the church probably has something on this for guidance or even services.

      agree don’t worry about liability unless you have a sibling or something who doesn’t share grandparent’s wishes, in whch case i think you need to get as much in writing or on video as possible.

      on The Pitt they talked about how hospice is managing pain, even if that pain management may bring death by too big a dose or something. so i wouldn’t be afraid to treat pain.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you do worry about PTSD for you or others try playing Tetris? Proven to help if done within 24 hours after the traumatic event.

      1. The last sentence is something I’ve found to be true, but with emptying out a closet and organizing it / sorting / discarding. I cannot do the “a slob comes clean” approach because I really need a complete mind reset. But it is so soothing to do. I thought it was just me.

         1. I think it’s not even just humans. I’ve read that rescues rehabilitating domestic animals from abusive situations will train them in simple kinds of tasks to kind of keep their minds occupied in a predictable routine to calm the nervous system. People have had to explain it before because it can look strange (like why are you making them do things), but apparently it actually helps.

   8. Ask either oncology or your GP for a referral to hospice. Hospice will send out a nurse to do as assessment and visit several times a week to check on symptoms, titrate medications, etc. They will send nursing aids 3-5 times a week to help with bathing, toileting, etc. It isnt round the clock care, often family does that or a private home health agency can send nursing staff for more hours per day.

      If hospice notices that home support is inadequate, they can sometimes transfer a patient to a hospice facility for end-of-life, or to the hospital. They have social workers on staff that will come to your house and help you figure out all the options in your area.

      Don’t do this alone, you/they need hospice support.

   9. Call hospice now. Call the hospital and insist on a referral to hospice.

      This is 100% the situation that hospice is meant for – and they can help with stuff like making sure the patient’s pain is well managed, as well as talking the family through what is expected, in a way that will help reduce the trauma (for example, it’s very common for someone at the end of life to refuse food and water, their body just knows intuitively it can’t make use of it. Since the impulse to provide food and water is such a deep seated caregiving instinct, it can be really helpful to have a hospice nurse explain that, reassure the family the patient isn’t suffering, provide suggestions for handling symptoms like dry mouth, etc).

      No, letting someone with end stage cancer refuse food and water isn’t a legal liability, even if they might have lived a little longer with a feeding tube or IV. But it sounds like this person and their caregivers need and deserve the support of a hospice nurse, so please please help them get one

   10. At that point, the patient will likely be on hospice at home. A nurse will visit at a defined frequency, such as daily, and help with care. When it gets to the point that you can no longer do basic care activities, additional help can be called (like if patient is immobile and cannot move or be moved, you can get help bathing the patient). If the patient can’t eat, that is not a legal liability issue. It’s part of dying. Any and all issues can be monitored by the nurse and doctors – you will likely not see the doctors, but the nurse will consult them. When you’re on hospice there is less of a need to go to the er, but in case the patient does, they will arrange ambulance transport. You typically don’t walk into the ER on hospice.

       If they need help navigating how to get started, their care team can help point them to hospice, palliative care, or a social worker who can guide them to the best choice. If the patient is on a feeding tube, I would expect that they would already be connected.

   11. Anyone can sue anyone for anything, at least in America (#america!). That said, it’s *extremely* unlikely that a domestic partner or spouse would be held liable for neglect if a terminally ill person dies in their shared home.

   12. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this now. I have a lot of experience with this. I just helped my elderly friend die at “home” in a Senior Living facility last week, staying with her overnights and helping set up her round the clock care. And my Mom with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer died at home with me.

       No, the other adults are not held liable for neglect. You call the oncologist and tell them that the NG feeding tube was just pulled out, explain your loved ones current condition, and ask if it is time to consult with Palliative Care and Hospice.

       Please don’t consider replacing the NG tube. They pulled it out because it is very uncomfortable. You need to ask yourself what purpose is it truly providing?

       If your loved one is living at home – Yes, Hospice is a very hard road, and often needs someone there around the clock to help with daily needs, giving pain medications and other care for comfort. It is a physically challenging job, because you need to be able to move your loved one for bathing, toileting needs, skin care, repositioning for comfort etc… Sometimes it is long, sometimes it is short. When advanced cancer is involved, it is often shorter. But it can be very emotionally and physically demanding. Night and day.

       Sometimes there are inpatient Hospice facilities that are available, but they are very rare now and have very few openings. When Hospice instead comes to the home, the nurse will visit periodically to help guide the plan and bring medications that the family will need to give, as needed. A doctor is never seen, in most cases. Additional caregivers can be sent to help with occasional bathing, but in my experience it is spotty assistance and does not give a lot of help for daily care. PT or OT or a chaplain are often available for visits. And they will bring any equipment that is needed, like a hospital bed.

       Yes, it is a very traumatic time in many ways, but sometimes it is actually quite peaceful. Finally the chemo/appointments/painful tubes and interventions stop. Your loved one finally can relax in a different way. The pain medications and anxiety medications are better, and come as frequently as needed. and provide your loved one great relief. Even if your loved one appears more withdrawn/asleep, they often can still hear and are comforted by familiar sounds and touch. We would play our loved one’s favorite music, read books to them or play podcasts, and the best was when we would just be in the room with them re-telling family stories and talking about our loved one, hoping they could hear us.

       If you cannot manage it alone, you call in family/friends to help. Family meeting time. You hire caregivers to be there. If you really cannot manage it, sometimes you transfer them to a Nursing Home that can have Hospice come in to assist with end of life care. This is the most expensive option, since you pay for everything out of pocket, but easier sometimes.

       If so sorry you have had such a hard road. One step at a time. Call the oncologist, and ask if it is now time for Hospice.

3. I need a good cry. What songs/books/poems/etc. do you turn to for this?

   1. The first 10 minutes of Up.

      1. Always works

   2. “Yesterday” by the Beatles.

      If I really want to cry, Mozart’s Requiem.

   3. I read ‘Heart the Lover’ by Lily King and ‘My Friends’ by Frederik Bachman cold and wound up crying in public places trying to stifle my outright sobs during both books. So…try those?
      Otherwise the first 10 minutes of ‘Up’ or the ‘When Somebody Loved Me’ montage from Toy Story with Jessie…or the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial. That commercial played frequently when I was pregnant and my husband found me curled up into a ball sobbing into my pet’s fur enough times that he started running in from other rooms to change the channel if he heard the opening chords of ‘Arms of an Angel’.

   4. “Everybody Hurts” by REM

   5. Big Fish. I cried so hard watching that movie that my new boyfriend thought I was having some kind of episode.

      1. YES to Big Fish. I have never cried harder at a movie. I’m afraid to watch it again because I don’t think I can handle it!

      2. Yes! I love/hate this movie for its power over me

   6. Blue October, Hate me today

      1. I love this song

   7. Renaissance by Edna St. Vincent Millay as far as poems go.

   8. Cliche, but the Notebook.

   9. American Motor Sports by Bilmuri. Whole album. Very sad and talented dude.

   10. Your mileage will vary, but I like sports-related Instagram reels or YouTube shorts if I actually want to feel better after the cry. Maybe my primary perimenopause symptom is that I’m turning into my husband? Anyway, the clip of the Naval Academy football team reacting to one of the player’s sisters winning Olympic gold is a solid start.

   11. Since I lost my mom I cannot hear the Bread song Everything I Own without sobbing. Crying a little just posting this. Sending hugs to you.

   12. Several chapters in the James Herriott books are good for this. Anything with animals always gets me.

   13. It’s a young adult book, but I cried my eyes out at A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

       1. Similarly, the book Everything Sad Is Untrue by Daniel Nayeri gutted me. It also had many laugh outloud parts: it’s just brilliant and beautifully written and exceptionally sad.

          And technically a YA book, I think.

   14. Travelin’ Soldier, recorded by lots of artists but I like the Chicks version.

   15. Any movie where the dog dies at the end.

   16. Beaches film.

   17. My college roommate and I used to watch Steel Magnolias once a semester to have a good crying session.

   18. To get a quick cry in, I listen to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd or Change by Blind Melon or Jimmy Cliff’s version of Too Many Rivers to Cross. Man, I might go make myself cry now.

       1. Also, East Side of Sorrow by Zach Bryan. For poems, Acquainted with the Night.

       2. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd and Patience by Guns and Roses for me.

   19. Beasts of the Southern Wild or Wendy (2020). Both directed by the same guy. I think I damaged something in my sinuses when I watched Beasts the first time because I was crying so hard.

   20. Movie: My Girl. Works every time for me.

   21. The song “Home is where the heart is” by Sally Fingerett.

   22. Posted this below in the wrong thread. But Sullivan Ballou’s final letter from Ken Burns’s Civil War documentary gets me every time: https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=sullivan%20ballou%20letter&mid=A3DA1083555C2942B6F8A3DA1083555C2942B6F8&ajaxhist=0

   23. If you like the classics, Beth’s illness and death in “Little Women”, and Matthew’s death in “Anne of Green Gables.”

       1. Oh wow I’d forgotten about how sad Matthew’s death is in Anne of Green Gables. Just reading your comment brought back that wall of emotion I felt as a 10-year-old reading that scene. I read the book again aloud to a young friend a few years ago, and started preview-crying at the part where Matthew arranged for Anne to get the puffed-sleeve dress.

   24. Listening to Chopin’s Nocturnes in a dark room, if I don’t want an additional sad story or words.

4. I have a great work appropriate vest from Antonio Melani from Dillards.

   1. How do you style it? I have a vest that I sometimes wear over a long or 3/4 sleeve striped t-shirt.

   2. Link?

   3. Oh, and my husband and I were talking about this last night and I teared up over dinner: https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=sullivan%20ballou%20letter&mid=A3DA1083555C2942B6F8A3DA1083555C2942B6F8&ajaxhist=0

      1. Oops nesting fail.

5. I’m going to a neighborhood egg hunt this weekend and need to bring an appetizer. Any favorites? I would like to bring something vegetarian and easy to eat/crowd pleaser.

   1. I just do a veggie tray!

      1. I am vegetarian and have never seen a veggie tray that isn’t sad.

         Cheese and crackers are always a hit. Same with deviled eggs. Nuts and chex mix type snacks are great. So are chips and dip/salsa/guac.

   2. Roasted asparagus and a dip?

   3. Dates in a blanket (like pigs in a blanket but with cheese stuffed dates). Little cups of some type of spiced mixed nuts or chex mix type thing. Those baked sliders made on Hawaiin rolls — I haven’t done veggie ones, but maybe two cheeses instead of ham and cheese.

   4. Cheese and crackers. Save impressive or creative for a party at your house with your guests.

   5. Stuffed mushrooms – I usually make with feta/dill/spinach/walnut stuffing.
      Phyllo triangles with feta/spinach.

      I try to bring those fresh out of the oven and/or warm up at the host’s if possible. But fortunately they taste good as they cool too.

      Otherwise – deviled eggs!

6. This is very not timely and frivolous, but can we talk about season 3 of Bridgerton?

   Spoilers if you care.

   Am I the only one who hated this season? I think it’s primarily because Colin is just utterly uns*xy to me and he and Penelope have virtually no chemistry? Am I alone in this? Mostly curious because from what I read about this season, all the reviews were largely complimentary to both leads and when I google now, it’s mostly actual viewers complaining and all the “think pieces” are like “this is a fantastic and groundbreaking season.” Just feels like I watched a different show and wondering if anyone else felt similarly. I am not even done with the whole thing and it’s a slog to finish. But I liked the first 2 and want to watch the next one.

   1. I watched Season 1 and enjoyed it, but haven’t been back for more. From what I’ve read, Season 3 sounds kinda bad. I can’t buy the Colin/Penelope story line and the Michael/Micaela thing also doesn’t appeal.

      1. I cannot wait for lesbian representation!

         1. People like to pretend non-straight people are a new thing, they just used to live in the shadows. My great grandma and great grandpa had a lavender marriage. Their house had basically an in-law suite where g grandpa lived and g grandma lived upstairs with her ‘bestie’ and the kids.

   2. I disliked Season 3 as well – to the point that I did not watch any of Season 4.

      Part of that is that I liked the books and absolutely hate what they have done to them. To be clear – it is not the racial diversity (I think that part is cool – a greater diversity of pretty people is always a good thing). But they cannot decide on the rules of the universe they have created and veer wildly between highlighting the inequities of early 19th century society while ignoring those realities. Combine that with the character assassination of Anthony (in Season 1), Penelope and Eloise (among others) it makes the show unwatchable for me.

      To me, the essential issue is that the creators have zero respect for the source material. I compare it to the adaptation of Heated Rivalry, which also made a fair number of changes, but where there was basic respect for the essential story.

   3. colin is totally unsexy to me, there’s something simian about his appearance. i want to like penelope but she just looks so uncomfortable in all of the corsets. in season 4 it felt like she could barely sit up straight, she always looked like she was trying to recline.

      i’m also not a fan of season 4 i’m sorry to say — benedict is totally unsexy. he reminds me of jon hamm but… dippier, if that makes sense. benedict’s book was never my favorite.

      it’s interesting because these books were all beloved in the 2000s but feel very much of their time. hard to put my finger on what makes a histrom written in 2026 so much different, but the agency, the presumption, the consent, the empathy is all different. there was one podcast that was going to read problematic old romances and started with The Flame and the Flower from 1972… i couldn’t get past the beginning of that one where he literally rapes her while she’s sobbing.

      1. Which is particularly ridiculous since women in 1813 were not wearing Victorian corsets. In fact, the metal grommets necessary for tight lacing. were not even invented for another decade. And that is not even taking into account that an empire waistlines would have made a tight laced corset superfluous. The bus in a long line corset might make someone stand up straight, but that is a far cry from what they show on screen.

         1. I mean nothing in the show is historically accurate? Most costumes are very clearly polyester. The furniture in the sets is often not at all period appropriate either.

      2. The Flame and the Flower is where I learned about sex for the first time at about age 10 or 11. I was completely traumatized by that rape scene.

         1. I am sorry. I hated stumbling on things like this when I was a grade school aged reader trying to find things to read. I can’t remember one traumatizing thing, but it just felt like a lot to navigate. I still hate it when some popular novel seems to be romanticizing or explaining away behavior that is really dark and predatory.

   4. Bridgerton to me is so unsexy! I feel like it doesn’t work unless you’re imagining the characters as your own particular vision of hot. Seeing people cast in the roles can ruin that vision. I enjoyed the books but there’s something about seeing the adaptation on screen that just makes me want to bring out the guillotine.

      1. Yeah Bridgerton is part of what made realize that even if it’s because of censorship, leaving more to the imagination like Chinese romances tend to do makes me feel more invested. I guess it’s like how horror movies that leave more to the imagination are usually much scarier.

   5. Season 1 was the pinnacle ;)

      1. I see what you did there

   6. I think Bridgerton is fun, but you can’t take it too seriously. I agree with the poster above that the race stuff in the show doesn’t really make any sense if you think very hard about it, and most of the books depend on at least one character being insufferably stupid about something that keeps them apart for most of the story (my biggest gripe with so many romances), so I just enjoy it on a superficial level of pretty people and pretty sets and fun interactions between family members. I like Nicola Coughlan and Penelope as a character, so I thought the season was fine for featuring her but I agree that the Penelope/Colin romance doesn’t really do it for me.

   7. Season 3 was my favorite, different strokes. I didn’t think it was perfect but I love friends to lovers, I thought the leads had chemistry, and I enjoyed the performances. I thought the difference in acting ability in Season 2 was much more distracting than any other seasons.

      The Bridgerton “fandom” is super toxic, so a lot of what you’re seeing is fan wars, especially Benedict/Sophie fans mad that their season was pushed back. Season 3 was higher rated than 2 and 4, and plenty of people liked 3 the best. But the thing about Bridgerton is there’s a new focus every season so if you didn’t like 3 there’s plenty to like in 4. I thought the love interest was a good actor and enjoyed the “upstairs/downstairs” focus, though I didn’t totally buy the love story. Who knows, you may love it!

7. I have POA for a parent who uses Fidelity for a big lump sum for retirement (I think he had a pension and cashed it out). At any rate . . . the people at Fidelity seem nice enough, but every single thing (managing RMDs, consolidating accounts, etc.) seems to involve many calls, many forms all sent through a PITA messaging center that is hard to use to reach out to the person and amorphous team that actually executes transactions. There are so many things sent as attachments. It’s hard to search conversations (and they expire).

   I am used to self-service at Vanguard and Etrade. I feel that I’m getting serviced, but honestly it drives me nuts. I guess it protects him / us a bit from having someone just drain his accounts. But is there something better out there? I’m happy to be irritated if things could be easily drained otherwise (one reason I manage this is that he lives in assisted living where the mail isn’t secure and he mainly locks his apartment door when he sleeps, not that staff doesn’t have a key, but he doesn’t want financial papers to be accessible, which I think is good). The account is so hard to manage that I can only access it through my work 401k, which is also there, because I can’t get his old land line off as a contact number for him for two-factor authentication.

   1. All the processes are for his protection.

      1. I agree that there are processes that add time that can protect an elder, especially when initially validating that a POA is genuine. However, I don’t think making it so hard for a POA to do what is necessary with the account and not having a way the POA can figure out to update an old phone number protects the elder.

         1. That’s one of the riskiest things to allow you to take over, which is why they make it hard. I ultimately gave up and did most of the financial stuff for my father when I was there with him so he could give his verbal consent and his phone was with us.

      2. I doubt it. I went through the many calls with my bank, and they accidentally gave me access to someone else’s account at the end of it all. There’s a lot of security theater and CYA that can be counterproductive in terms of actual protection.

   2. if you work at a large office maybe they have a direct contact with fidelity for the 401k? the phone thing should be fixable but i think these are all really valid questions. just think of how hard it must be for the people 30 years your senior.

      1. What I hate is having emails that are only on their portal that expire after a month. And having to print things to sign. At least let me Docusign. Don’t make it digital but then I have to print (so hard now from logging on via a device) and sign and pdf. What do retirees do? They are forced to have an office at home now for this.

         1. a combined printer scanner for your home is $50 – might be worth it with this hassle!

   3. I’m sorry. I’m still annoyed that after my parent’s death Fidelity was so obnoxious and frustrating. I’m sorry you’re also having a frustrating experience. It’s inexcusable on their part not to have an accessible process to update his number for two factor authentication, since keeping an old number is a security risk.

8. My Babyliss hair dryer died and I need to replace it with something other than my emergency backup folding con air circa 1995. I have fine hair and flyaways that get progressively more curly/frizzy as the humidity increases. Suggestions? I could do the expensive Dyson if it’s REALLY worth it but I’m cringing at the idea of spending $500 on a hair dryer.

   1. In general (hair dryers and vacuum), I prefer Shark over Dyson. Really excellent products and still quite pricey but much cheaper.

      1. +1. Also this had been discussed many times here, maybe check archives?

   2. I like Rusk W8less. T3 is also good.

   3. Laifen

9. I have feet that fit fine in some Danskos and Sorels and not fine in other models with the same size. Is there a store (DSW? Nordstrom?) that carries these where I could go in and try things on? I’d rather spend my time doing that than have more rounds of shipping and needing to repackage and drive to a UPS return place. I live in a city, so I’d hope that there is a place here, but it’s not a department store at the first mall I tried.

   1. If I were you, I’d pull up google maps and search for shoe stores — my city has a lot of different big-box shoe stores — not just DSW.

   2. for sure dansko (and probably Sorel) you can go to their website and find a list of local retailers. It is usually independent shoe stores.

   3. The Walking Company still exists in a few malls.

   4. Where do you live? There’s a Dansko outlet in Chester County, PA, close to MD. Love!

   5. If you are in the Twin Cities, Schuler Shoes has multiple locations and carries Dansko for sure, maybe some Sorel.

10. Anyone have any recommended guides (by interior designers or others) on hardwood floor selection?

    1. Maria Killam

11. love my Shark. major upgrade from anything i’ve had before.

12. i think i hurt my vocal chords from screaming at my teen yesterday. honey and hot water? whispering? cold water? anything else i can do?

    (won’t get into the circumstances but trust me that he deserved it)

    1. Don’t whisper, it will stress your vocal chords more. Hot tea, honey, and as many fluids as you can plus vocal rest.

    2. I do this when I rage sing a song (Alanis Morissette, usually) or yelling at sports practice. It goes away after a day.

    3. 😬

    4. please don’t let this start a debate about yelling . . . please don’t let this start a debate about yelling … please

    5. There is no way he deserved it. When you meet damaged men in the world, please be curious about whether their mothers screamed at them until they damaged their vocal chords.

       There is absolutely no excuse to be verbally and emotionally abusing your children. Saying he deserved it is despicable.

       1. Is that your excuse for the rapists currently in your govt? That they got yelled at?

       2. lol, k.

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