Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Hazy Blossom Floral Silk Blouse
This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This silk blouse from Vince is the perfect mix of elegance and practicality. The muted flower print looks beautiful but will go nicely with just about any color in your closet. I like the way that it’s styled here, although I would probably choose a navy blazer, just to add a bit of contrast. It would also look great with some darker jewel tones, like eggplant or a dark fuchsia.
The top is $345 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXL–3X.
A more affordable option is from 1.State; it's $59 at Nordstrom and available in 1X–3X. 1.State also has an alternative in straight sizes (in two floral prints), and it's on sale for $51.35–$55.30 at Bloomingdale's.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 1/22/25:
- Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
- AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
- Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
- DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
- J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
- J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off
Coming back to a post on appropriate swimwear…
I’m European and I’ve moved to DC this month. I’m in my very early thirties. Our apartment complex has a pool and we will be meeting friends (some with kids) in pool-adjacent situations. What are the “rules”? Do they differ based on a body shape and size? Is a pool any different from a beach? For example, I was surprised to read that one’d put different swimwear if they are in a family pool vs a trip with their spouse.
For reference, I’m slim yet busty and used to wear two piece swimsuits from Freya. I often mix them up with more skimpy bottoms from Calzedonia, Mango or H&M. Currently I’m wearing a black maternity one piece, so I guess I’m fine (although it is cheeky, so who knows?).
I’m not sure where you’re reading all this, but I wouldn’t say there are rules. Just that people usually save the skimpier bikinis for trips with their spouses and try to be a little less s e x y at the family pool. Your black one piece is definitely fine, and the two piece swimsuits probably also fine for the family pool.
Those threads about the red bikini last week sure made it sound like there are rules!
Agree with the comment above. I have young kids that want me to throw them into the water and I do a lot of leaving over and grabbing kids out of the pool. I wear a tankini. If I had a really stay-in-place two piece bikini I’d wear that- but I don’t.
When it’s just me and DH (family pool or otherwise) I wear a more strong bikini setup.
I think that’s actually a good “rule” – base the suit on the activity. If you are going to be active, go with a suit that will be comfortable for the activities and stay in place. If you are mostly sitting on the beach with brief dunks, you can probably get away with something a little more skimpy, if that’s what you like.
And what works for an activity will be different for different people. Maybe you like a one-piece if you’re going to be very active, maybe you prefer a two-piece that you can tie securely in place.
Eh agreed that there are no rules.
Your maternity swimsuit sounds more than appropriate, and two pieces that aren’t overtly sexy are fine in almost any context. I think a lot of the work up over the red swimsuit last week was that the top literally looked like a bra (which, in addition to not being something I’d wear to a family event, is also just a dated style). I really think two pieces swimsuits are appropriate in most situations and I think it’s a shame a lot of moms automatically ditch them for a mom swimsuit. My aunts and my mom still rock age-appropriate bikinis in their 60s! And they look great!
As for the beach vs pool comments, I usually wear a sportier bikini to the beach because I’m more active: surfing, playing in the ocean, playing spike ball, etc. I wear less substantial bikinis to the pool because I’m just lounging in a chair/taking a very low key dip in the pool. If I had young kids to play with in the pool, I’d choose something more substantial there too.
I think most bathing suits are ok in most situations, but recommend saving the very sexy suits for when you’re not entertaining kids (much like how you wouldn’t wear a very sexy bodycon clubbing dress to a family birthday party)
I wouldn’t say there are real rules, save the skimpier bottoms for environments not kid/meeting new friends-centered. I’d actually say that in my experience living in both Europe and the US, it’s the men’s swimwear that differs more than the women’s.
+1 re the mens vs. womens comment. OP, you will be fine in any of the suits you described.
I think of it the same as date night clothing. I don’t wear low-cut sexy clothing to an elementary school event, and I don’t wear my low-cut sexy bikini when hanging out with my kids at my local pool. Also, it’s just not practical for playing with kids at a pool.
If I am not with the kids at the pool, there are just random kids around, it doesn’t matter to me and I will wear whatever I want.
Omg No wear what you want. Prob not a thong.
I’m European and I moved 10 years ago. Wear what you want to! The “rules” for “modesty” (I so hate the way this word is twisted in the States) are random and nonsensical, just as in many other countries, so it’s pointless to try to guess them. And how will thing evolve anywhere in the world if newcomers all adapt 100% to local customs?
Don’t people kind of expect Europeans to wear skimpier swim wear? Isn’t this kind of like Americans wearing athleisure to site see in Rome? Like Italians would never, but they basically expect it from Americans? I say wear whatever you’d wear at home.
So I am a very busty, 32 GG, Freya/Fantasie/Bravissimo wearer because no other bathing suits fit. At all. I vastly prefer two piece just for convenience but own about equal amounts of two piece versus one and just wear whatever I am in the mood for. Because of the heavy structural engineering they are equally robust for kids’ activities, so my bikinis are just as good for kids’ stuff.
I didn’t know there were rules and was surprised at the comments last week about swimsuits that look like bras being offsides. I can’t wear any other kind so that’s what I wear every single day with my kids in our pool regardless of whether we have guests or not. I can honestly say of all the pool parties we have hosted I have never paid attention to anyone’s attire and can’t even remember what people have worn.
As a fellow small back and bigger than G-cup, I’d say that whatever rules or variations of preference that is possible for other people, for the G+ sizes, there is only one rule: does it fit? If it fits, you’re golden. Any other rule is a luxury at our sizes.
With respect to your bathing suit tops looking like bras because they are built to fit and support someone who wears 32GG: yes, they look like bras but not the skimpy, scanty kind that had many in a dither. Fit rules!
I wear whatever works for me, which ranges from a bikini (especially while pregnant/nursing) to a wetsuit.
I’ve spent too much time in my life trying to make other people happy with my swimwear and grooming and I think we’d all be better off if we didn’t care what anyone thinks.
Have fun with you family and friends and don’t worry about what people think. The people judge others will probably never be happy.
I am really well covered, but’s for the sun and b/c I am bad and lazy re wearing enough sunscreen. I always wear two-pieces unless I am lap swimming b/c I need to pee easily and b/c I’m wearing a rashguard or sun shirt over top.
Two words for you re peeing: lifeguard style.
I find that if I wear anything over silk shirts, it eventually rubs the fabric over my shoulder blades and damages the material.
Lined jackets don’t do this.
I was planning to wear a long sleeve navy dress I have from the Fold (the Belgravia) to a very important work meeting soon. After trying it on again this weekend I’m worried it might look a bit out of place this time of year, even with a summery shoe. Would something like their Kinsale dress be a better choice or is it too casual? I expect the men to be wearing dress shirts and nice slacks, perhaps with a sports coat here and there. I don’t have many women to look to for inspiration at my office, so I’m feeling unsure.
The Kinsale looks no more “in season” than the Belgravia, just less formal. If you think men will be in jackets, I’d go with the Belgravia. That’s assuming it is climate appropriate where you’ll be (and I’d consider this dress fine if you’re someplace hot but in cold AC all day; but not a great choice if the meeting includes an outdoor lunch in the sweltering heat or something).
+1 – I just wore the Belgravia (in the print) to a meeting recently and it was the appropriate level of formality considering the men were in jackets/slacks (not full suits). It wasn’t out of place and I think a sandal would also help. Agree that if you’re going to be outside, or if it’s less formal than the Kinsale would be a better choice.
Thank you! I will not be going outside as far as I know.
The Belgravia is a beautiful dress, and very appropriate for a business meeting. I would definitely wear that.
+1. You’re gonna look like a million bucks!
Thank you that is very kind!
I didn’t know these dresses off hand, but just googled for reference. Honestly, I would wear the Kinsale at this time of year, especially if the men won’t be in suits. The Belgravia in navy looks like a winter dress to me.
+1
Alternatively, for 99% of the conferences I go to I would be freezing from the AC in the Kinsale and the whole look would be destroyed by the cardigan or scarf I work have to constantly wrap around my body.
This is me! I am always cold and trying to weigh dressing for the weather versus being so cold inside I’m awkwardly hunched over and shivering.
I finally semi deep cleaned my apartment after not doing it for a while and wow what a difference. I love having a very clean apartment but honestly for ADHD-related-reasons have a very hard time keeping it up. If I can afford it, would it be ridiculous to get a cleaning service for the 1 bedroom apartment I live in by myself?
Not at all. Get the cleaning service and enjoy!
No of course not.
Do it! Dirt is one problem in life that you can solve by throwing money at it!
I live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment and have wondered this same exact thing. I’ve been overwhelmed by cleaning for the last 2 months, for anxiety and depression reasons rather than ADHD reason. I have 600 square feet and feel absolutely ridiculous when I think about hiring someone to clean it for me. I’m trying to chip away very slowly at cleaning but it’s soo slow and feels like as soon as I do one thing, there’s something else that’s suddenly a disaster….the never ending uphill climb.
If I could pay someone to come and do my dishes for me every other day, I’d pay for that.
I would love someone to change my sheets for me and do other organizational things. I wonder if I could ask a cleaning service to focus more on that than other tasks
You are way over complicating this. Hire a service, ask them to include changing the sheets. You’ll never look back.
+1
Been a lot of over complicating on here recently. But, when you sign up for a cleaning service you can request that they do this
Why not hire someone for a one time clean to get you a fresh slate? When my mental health is not good cleaning an already messy apartment feels insurmountable, but keeping a clean apartment cleanish is doable.
Go for it! My now-husband had to talk me into getting a cleaner when we were in a 1-bed and it was the best thing ever to come home to a clean apartment! You still have to do the maintenance stuff in between but not having to scrub floors/deep clean weekly was such a treat and gave me back a good 2-3 hours every weekend.
If you can easily afford it, nothing is ridiculous
Go for it! We hired cleaners this year. I have a clean house and more cognitive space and cannot recommend it enough!
Definitely not. I live by myself and have someone come once a month.
I started using a service last month for my 600 ft. studio and it’s been so nice. I haaaaate cleaning and it’s wonderful to come home to a deep cleaned place. Do it!
Of course not. My one bedroom is cleaned by a pro every other week.
I’m going to Paris next year! So very excited. It’s a milestone birthday for both me and my husband in 2023, and Bruce Springsteen is playing a show there next May. My husband is from NJ and is a huge fan, and we just decided to do it! Tickets were secured at 4am this morning when they were released. We’re thrilled.
I have not traveled outside of the US since high school so this is a big deal for me. I took French in high school and college (and was quite good at it at the time!) so there is some memory there, but I haven’t used my skills in probably 15 years. Should I bother trying to relearn conversational French? We will be there for only 4-5 days and planning to be mostly in Paris.
Any and all recommendations welcome — both in terms of apps or programs to relearn French, and also any great places to stay on Marriott or Hyatt points. Thank you!
You definitely don’t need French to get by in Paris but if you use it people will generally be a bit more welcoming.
I’ve found they don’t even care if you try anymore. They had a be nice to tourists campaign that stuck and beyond bonjour, nothing more is needed.
You don’t have to relearn French but a few Duolingo lessons (it’s an app) should dust you off. Generally shop keepers etc expect you to day Bonjour when you enter their establishment,
I stayed at the Park Hyatt Vendome on Hyatt points and it’s an absolutely gorgeous hotel, walking distance from just about everything.
Yeah, a coffee please or buying museum tickets were the transactions where I brought out school french, and that was fine.
Seconding the Park Hyatt – super nice and a really convenient (upscale, definitely not a “neighborhood” feel for better or worse) location. I don’t usually stay at places that fancy so it’s one of the only times I’ve felt like we really got something out of the ordinary for using hotel points/rewards.
You don’t need to re-learn French but it’s exciting to be able to get through ordering a coffee or something without the other person switching to English out of annoyance/pity!
I’ve tried lots of language learning apps and Pimsleur is my favorite. It’s $20/month but it’s the best for teaching pronunciation. I find duolingo and similar to be better for reading/word recognition more than listening and speaking.
That said, you can get away with not knowing any French at all, but I’ve found people are friendlier and appreciate it when you at least try. Always start an interaction with Bonjour/Bonsoir, “Je voudrais ca” will get you far at a counter service place, and saying “Merci” or “Merci beaucoup” a lot always helps.
Have fun! When I went a few years ago, I was scared by all the stories of how snooty the Parisians supposedly are to tourists. But I found that they were very patient and kind. I think it was because I tried even just a few phrases in French. I’ve also heard they are more formal, as in, they feel it is respectful to open a conversation with hello and how are you. That may have played a role in how they responded to me. If you took some French you’ll be fine!
You don’t need to speak French beyond “Bonjour” and “merci” – most people will speak at least some English. The French are a bit formal and like to be greeted with a Bonjour or an “excusez-moi” or just say excuse me in English before starting any kind of conversation, but don’t be like the clearly stressed out American lady who just ran up to me in the street and just screamed “Boulevard Saint Germain?” multiple times – It was pretty jarring and I think this is where a lot of cultural misunderstandings come from :) have a great time! David Leibovitz has a great site with restaurant recommendations and good cultural tips
Thank you! Are you saying they’re both seasonally appropriate or neither? It will likely be in the high 80s and humid where I am, but extremely cold in the building. I’m open to other ideas if I’m way off base with these, but light colors don’t look good on me so that’s why I was thinking navy.
Southern readers: help me survive in a high-humidity environment! Transplant. Cannot even manage to dry off post shower (is it possible I. Summer even?!). Chub rub hitting lethal levels and was not previously a problem. Help! Give me your tips to stay dewy but not be a sweaty drippy mess.
one quick hint is that the more you spend time outside, the more you will get you used to it and your body will accommodate it. Every year around this time, I want to hide inside in the air conditioning and never venture into the heat again but the truth is you’re better off with more time than less.
I suggest buying a separate dehumidifier for your bathroom/bedroom.
I think this is correct, but when I lived in the SE, I had to spend most of my time in a miserably over air conditioned office, so I alternated freezing to death with melting from the heat. I spent years trying to adjust before giving up and moving somewhere with a more habitable climate. It’s much easier to dress for cold winters than hot humid summers,
Don’t have much in the way of drying off quicker since I’ve resorted to just sitting in front of my floor fan after I get out of a shower to beat that.
For chub rub though, I’ve found that my gel deodorant I use works really well for combatting chub rub; I walked all over NYC Sunday in a dress and was totally fine. I did reapply twice during the day just to make sure it was still working, but on a normal day, it works great.
Don’t have much in the way of drying off quicker since I’ve resorted to just sitting in front of my floor fan after I get out of a shower to beat that.
For chub rub though, I’ve found that my gel deodorant I use works really well for combatting chub rub; I walked all over NYC Sunday in a dress and was totally fine. I did reapply twice during the day just to make sure it was still working, but on a normal day, it works great.
I’m in Florida and haven’t turned my a/c on yet. Once it’s on, it’ll be on for the season – there’s no real going back. The only time it kind of sucks is if I’m going from being outside for a while to someplace indoors where the a/c is blasting. Shade and fans, as well as knowing when to open/close windows to allow air in or keep hot air out makes a huge difference.
I don’t take cold showers, but they are definitely more lukewarm this time of year. As much as I love a hot shower, taking one right now means coming out of the shower sweating, something I’d rather avoid. Yes, you do dry off, it just takes a bit longer.
For chafing, it’s a matter of identifying any clothes that just don’t work (I have certain sports bras that if I’m on the heavier side of my weight range are a no-go) and trying out products that help with chafing (bodyglide, cornstarch, etc). Slipshorts are another possibility, but haven’t tried them – I’m generally trying to reduce the amount of layers I have on this time of year. If I need to look somewhat presentable, linen is my go to.
Going to the movies in the afternoon is a time-honored way to deal with the heat. Adjust your cooking/meal prep to make food that doesn’t heat up your kitchen (sandwiches, cooking outside, salads, etc).
Also, I know “drink more water” is advice given for everything from COVID to cancer, but for dealing with the heat, having a fridge full of water, lemonade, ice tea or whatever other (non-alcoholic) cold drinks you like makes an indescribably huge difference.
I mostly just choose to believe I am dewy and not a mess for the summer.
On a serious note, I got a very lightweight bathrobe and put that on right after drying off then wear it until the last second possible before leaving the house. That helps with the post-shower humidity situation. Also a dehumidifier or a canister of Damp Rid in the bathroom helps.
Make sure your towels are getting fully dry as quickly as possible so they don’t mildew.
Lots of iced tea and lemonade!
I’m in the humid Midwest, but my go tos:
– Chub rub – body glide or sweat wicking jockey slip shorts
– casual things like running errands are all done in sweat wicking excerise clothes
– Megababe bust dust is nice for boob sweat
-The knowledge that everyone else is as gross as you are.
Wicking clothes make a world of difference for me. I grew up thinking cotton was the best for hot summer weather because the only alternative as a kid was awful “athletic” polyester fabric that brought to mind sofa slipcovers, but cotton gets soggy so quickly in the humidity. As an adult I am happy to see how much technical fabrics have improved.
+1
Am visiting my parents and all of the bottoms were Athleta travel / athleisure / city items. Wicking for the win!
Adding the Columbia fishing shirts are popular with guys for a reason. They are by no means stylish, but really do help for yard work or any non-exercise grimy tasks outside. Also, this is why women the south love nap dresses.
I have a couple of those Columbia fishing shirts for summer yardwork or pool time. They breathe and dry quickly while keeping the sun off.
Not exactly cute but they work.
For the chub rub, Body Glide is a life saver. For fully drying off, I have on occasion made use of the cool setting on my hair dryer to finish drying areas that remain damp, especially where skin overlaps and doesn’t get much air circulation (under b00b area, private area).
There is only so many tips that can help, and then the rest is just acclimating. megababe works the best for chub rub for me, if i am wearing a dress. But, generally in summer i wear long enough shorts that i avoid the rub or pants for work. Linen/cotton/ athletic hiking shorts are my favorite. Natural fibers, light colors are your friend. In summer, i wear minimal makeup. To me, there is nothing worse than foundation while sweaty. Take a slightly cooler shower. Wait to use any body lotion, honestly you may not need it in summer. Make sure you are cooling your house/apartment enough, if you have the budget/resources. Fans are good to help air circulate.
Oh, I had shorts navigate up enough to bring on chub rub. Ugh.
This is why I prefer lightweight pants/longer inseam shorts in summer -I don’t have to think about chafing. But slip shorts are good for when you’re ok with the extra layer, and I’ve had good results with MegaBabe anti-chafe for when you don’t. Looser fits are best, and for tops, I like natural fibers for everyday – work, regular errands, etc. because they don’t get stinky or gross feeling like polyester. BUT for high activity, you want something that wicks/dries quickly.
Linen.
+1 Linen is amazing in the humid summer months.
+1 on linen. I have leaned into it this year already and am much happier in St. Louis over the summer.
100 percent agree fabric matters. Linen, lawn cotton (thinner cotton), silk or silk cotton mix. I have lived in the South my whole life and always pay close attention to fabrics. When it’s the middle of summer I wear natural fabrics. Helps me so much! No polyester in summer. And as crazy as it may sound light weight merino wool no show socks work wonders to keep feet dry and cool. As for showers, I take a regular hot water shower and then finish my shower with a blast of cold water to cool back down. Chantelle has some barely there boy shorts that are long enough to help chafing. As for getting ready, I shower right before bed and then when I get ready in the morning I don’t have to deal with shower humidity. Hope that helps.
Does anyone know what I can do with an old iPad? I think it’s the first generation iPad mini. It still works – can connect to wifi, but it won’t update anymore to the new iOS. I have no idea what to do with it….TIA!!
Remove any personal info and offer it up on your local Buy Nothing group — someone will probably want it for their kid.
Ugh. I hate hate hate the planned obsolescence in tech! It should be illegal…
I only replace tech when it breaks , but (un)fortunately, I’m a bull in a China shop and even with a life proof case I’ve never had a phone last more than 2.5/3 years, but I’m still using a laptop from 2014 and it’s not ideal… No matter how much money I eventually make, I don’t see myself replacing electronics until they break; it’s just so wasteful to replace every few years just to upgrade.
FWIW, I also drive a 19 year old car.
A 19 year old car is missing a lot of newer safety features. I understand old Accords and Camrys last forever, but I would want a newer safer vehicle if feasible.
They have air bags, ABS and restraint systems. They are in no way, shape or form dangerous cars for their drivers/passengers. Pedestrians and cyclists also stand a fighting chance if struck by one, as opposed to the gargantuan trucks and SUVs that are for sale now. If you need cameras to tell you where to put your car, perhaps you should rethink driving.
I mean, I don’t have skin in this game either way. But as someone who has lived in difficult to pull out of driveways that go onto busy streets frequented by peds her whole adult life, I will tell you that when we are backing out our back up camera picks up things coming before it’s really physically possible from the human eye, which by nature is in the front of the car.
I did it plenty without the camera and I guess you just use the offset of going that much slower etc but if you told me this featured hasn’t saved someone that is a otherwise a perfectly good alert driver, that just doesn’t pass the common sense test. I’m not saying you need to change cars, but to imply just being a good driver can 100% make up for the feature strikes me as a little disingenuous.
+1 I don’t think lacking any of the recent updates make cars unsafe. I grew up middle class so I don’t know anyone who buys new cars, so most of my family and friends still don’t have backup cameras, CarPlay, etc – these features haven’t trickled down to us yet. I have quite a few friends and family members with cars older than 19 years old, but most are probably 10 years old (but base model; while backup cameras existed 10 years ago they weren’t in all models yet)
My same-age car has ABS, traction control, front and side impact airbags, a steel cage, and great sight lines. I have found that newer cars have blind spot warnings and backup cameras, but they need those things because of the way the cars are shaped. I have an easier time backing up in my car than with my husband’s backup camera car; I can see so much in all directions.
Are you trying to brag about using outdated technology or something?
I just can’t afford the newest iPhones and other tech and/or a new car. But, even if I could I think it’s wasteful to replace something that isn’t broken.
A 3 year old phone (and even a 7 year old computer) might not be the latest and greatest but it’s hardly outdated.
I was able to sell mine on FB marketplace for $10.
You can recycle it through Apple and potentially get a credit for something new (I doubt it would be much) but better than throwing it away.
Best Buy will take it to recycle it.
I use an old tablet as my “cookbook” in the kitchen to view recipes. I prop it up on a wood tablet holder.
It may be easier to simply destroy it and throw it out so that some of your passwords won’t be available to whatever person gets ahold of it. People want new stuff, and even kids will find out right away that 75% of the apps just won’t work on an older model, as updating the apps take a lot of effort. Moreover, today’s apps burn a lot more battery life than the ones you originally loaded on to your system (many of which I bet don’t work any more anyway). So to make a long story short, it is probably best to destroy it if you are not going to use it any more. Otherwise, just keep using it on your own system for as long as your apps continue to work, then destroy it because once you can’t use it any more, neither can any one else.
As to the other OP from France who wants to know bathing suit etiquette, the rule should simply be: Do not wear any suit that will call undue attraction to your body. You want to be generally not noticed, even women who are single should not lead by being too avant garde with small tops and/or bottoms. Men who are only interested in that are not going to make good husbands anyway. Married women should also be conservative, as you do not want to attract useless lotharios who will only use you long enough to satisfy their carnal desires, then drop you.
I agree that there probably won’t be a lot of people who want a device that can’t update, but there’s no need to destroy it. Apple will take it back for recycling and the device resets are really pretty secure- everything is cleared and then encrypted. Unless you have super classified data on it, I wouldn’t be concerned.
LOL@ that 2nd paragraph, Aunt Lydia.
LOL! Just read this in Aunt Lydia’s voice! Spot on!
Are you the new 3llen?
Maybe we should just wear burlap sacks from head to toe so we don’t offend the church elders?
(Claps) Outstanding satire.
OMG Derry Girls is such an awesome show. Thanks for the many recommendations cations for it here.
So good, right? I love how it’s very of its time in terms of the politics (and I’m forever asking my Belfast housemate if it chimes with her experience) but also captures that universal teenage girl experience?
A line like “I want to lose what’s left of my v*rginity” just killed me the other day.
For me it’s the nun at the wake. My wife and I will turn to each other and say “Am I dead? Is this MY funeral?” when we’re stuck in a boring situation.
The head nun is awesome! Also, the old guy (Colm?) who bores everyone, including the refreshment servers at the movies for The Usual Suspects.
Yes! I watched it all last week. Fantastic fun!
Does anyone have a lunch recommendation for Hoboken for during the week for a family traveling with teen kids? Also, how bad is afternoon / evening traffic leaving the Lincoln Tunnel and heading west into NJ on a normal non-Friday weekday? It used to make me feel like I was taking my life in my hands it it was between 4 and 8 but I haven’t done it since COVID.
We like Baja and East LA (I’m craving Mexican food today so that’s what came to mind first). My teen loves Hoboken so build in extra time for walking around.
Traffic heading west out of the Tunnel isn’t pre-covid levels but it’s still a crap shoot. Tuesday thru Thursday will be heavier than Monday. Fridays now will have shore traffic to contend with.
I used to live above Baja. I miss it so much!!
Currently live in Hoboken! Leaving NYC on a normal, non holiday non Friday week night, outside of rush hour shouldn’t be too bad. Try to be out of the tunnel by 3 and you shouldn’t have an issue! But parking can be tough! If you are going to try street parking be aware of street cleaning and resident only sides.
Highly recommend waterfront dining if you’re from out of town. View of Manhattan is beautiful and it’s great to walk around after lunch. Try Union Hall or Ainsworth for something low key and Del Friscos for a little nicer. Otherwise, I like O’Neils which is right by Church Square Park or Zacks. There is also Pilsner House Beer Garden and City Bistro has a decent rooftop. They are all pretty low key. Can also recommend restaurants for specific cuisines if you need.
Thanks!
I’m used to parking at the garage that is a couple blocks from the PATH on . . . Washington? Muscle memory knows how to get there. Close to that would probably be best. I have hopes of going to the dueling grounds in Weekawken b/c it was in Hamilton (so can maybe gague the tunnel traffic from that). Would it be better to dine in Weehawken and take the ferry over to the city? Just thinking of views — kids won’t care ferry vs PATH b/c they are from so far out of town that either is a novelty.
I think there’s a parking garage near the path, but I’m only familiar with the garage near the hospital and Trader Joe’s. I suggest the ferry over the path just for the fresh air. I’ve also never been to the dueling grounds and don’t know Weehawken as well!
There’s also a garage next to the Newport stop in JC.
I am currently on vacation abroad and fun fact: the original Hoboken is in Belgium!
A secret: my boss has called to say I’m getting an out of cycle pay rise.
This is to keep me happy as they know I’ve not really been loving my job or been happy with the salary.
But I’m already job searching and have done a couple of interviews. I now feel guilty as in my head I’m already half way out the door.
Do not feel guilty! Congrats on the raise and go get that next big job.
Noooope, no guilt. You’re getting the raise because of the work you’ve already done.
Oh h e l l no. You take and enjoy that raise for as long as you’re there.
Thanks for the reassurance
Has anyone used Turo? We’re a one car family and lyft/uber used to be a really good option for that one occasion a month that we actually needed a second car but now there’s way fewer available and more expensive ( I think we caught the golden age where they didn’t need to be profitable and there were a lot of folks looking for gig work). Trying to think of different options because we really don’t want a second car.
IDK what the answer will be especially now that has is so expensive and the lines for new cars (so switching to a hybrid) are years long it seems.
Did uber and Lyft drive zip car out of business? Those used to be really popular with my car free friends, but I never hear about them any more.
IDK
I really wonder re Door Dash / Uber Eats. At some point, these services are bad for restaurants. We have a local one (on an e-bike) for some neighborhoods. I guess how do you get people to cover their costs when they are used to things being close to free? IDK whether anyone (economics PHD students?) has studied this in an era of expensive gas payments and underinsuance for true liabilities, but I’d have it be some of my beach reading this year.
I still see them in Philly but I think they’re pretty pricey, which is why none of my friends ever used it.
They’re still around! The problem with zip car (when I looked into it years ago) is that you rent the car by the hour – so if you want to go to an 8 hour event in a suburb you pay for the car to sit in the parking lot. Uber, etc. solved that problem.
For the times when you both need to get around, perhaps an e-bike would bridge the gap?
We have a cargo e-bike as a second car. It’s not for everyone but you said you were thinking of different options.
+1. Also a one car family with a cargo e-bike.
+2 – I’m still on an acoustic bike (that’s set up for hauling loads), but the right bike opens up a world of possibilities for transportation!
Oh I am very intrigued by the ebike suggestion. For those who have them, could you share how you use? Can you put a kid on them? Do you just lock them to a regular bike rack? Do you ride at night? I love this board.
We have one and it’s great. Kids seat on the back. It has a heavy duty chain lock and also a key lock for the wheel (so it can’t be rolled away). At home we keep it in a shed.
There’s lots of options for e-bikes with the ability to haul 1-4 kids. It really depends on where you live, how you expect to use it, and what your bike infrastructure is. You can lock them to a bike rack while you’re out (get a super good lock) but people usually make some sort of extra secure storage/locking place for at home. I’m in NoVa so the DC family biking FB group was helpful to me – I’m sure there’s a local to your area group that would help you as well (local bike shop recs, test ride meet-ups, etc). I love our bike (a Madsen).
I can’t speak to the kid part or the e- part, but I ride quite a bit at night. My tires have reflective strips on them, as do my panniers and generally some parts of my clothes. I have steady and blinking red rear lights and a strong headlight. You can see my bike and I from space. I’ve had WAY more close calls, etc, during the day than at night. There’s something to be said for fewer drivers on the road.
The worst part of being out at night is that many traffic lights don’t trip when I’m at them (my bike is metal, but not enough to trip the sensors. Perhaps not a problem for an e-bike). At any rate, I don’t like going through red lights, even when there’s minimal traffic, but at least at night, you can see motorists’ headlights easily enough.
We have a long tail RadWagon (made by Rad Power bikes) that can seat 2-3 kids on the back (two in harnessed seats, or three with the “monkey bars” set up). Long tail means that the back of the bike is extended into a seating/cargo area. You can put panniers in the side for carrying or strap stuff to the rack/seating area. Depends on how old your kids are whether they need the harnessed seat. You can also get a single passenger ebike from Rad (I don’t work for them, but I should, Haha.). Our friends with three kids use a basket style (Urban Arrow) which has a big basket in the front with seat belts. Both are fun to ride though take some getting used to. Locks to a regular bike rack fine. We store in the garage – note that these bikes are generally too heavy to haul up stairs regularly (some people use plywood ramps to get up stoops or equivalent though). We ride at night-ish with kids and without kids at night- our bike has hub powered front and rear lights and we light up the back even more with clip on lights. I am a long time night bike rider and I would be more careful about my route riding with kids at night than just myself, but it really depends on cycling infrastructure where you live.
I used a similar car rental service once, pre-pandemic, and the experience mostly drove home that I was depending on someone else’s car maintenance habits being what they should be. For that reason, I’m not interested in using it again. That said, I’ve been very happy with Zipcar for occasional car rental needs. While Zipcar seems expensive, it’s significantly cheaper than owning a second car, and there’s an actual company, system, and plan for maintaining everything in the background–not just your neighbor who means to get the oil changed or brakes checked regularly but doesn’t ever seem to manage to get around to it.
This. Or just regular rentals (incl. UHaul vans at times). Some dealerships rent cars by the day.
I lived in SF and used zipcar. You have to plan a little bit to get the ones that are your favorites at high-demand times (like Sat AM), but perfect for what I needed it for–grocery runs, visits to friends in suburbia. I love that you don’t pay for gas (directly) with zipcar.
I used it last weekend for the first time. Really great experience! If you are nervous about it, you can pick a highly-rated host.
Just wanted to say thanks! Last year I posted here looking for a confidence boost about wearing my first bikini at size 16. And I did it and loved it! This year I’m a size 18 and reached for my skimpiest option yesterday for my first pool day of the summer and looked and felt great! If you’re also contemplating the plunge Elomi was great for me and also Pour Moi.
Awesome! I wish I had your confidence!
Good for you!
One rule I didn’t realize I was following was “more coverage if it is sunscreen time,” so rashguard + shorts-style bottoms (or a skirt) if the sun is up and more skin if it is in the evening and I’m just at the pool for drinks. I am not a sun worshiper. I am nervous about some moles. If I’m meeting for drinks or just having some adult time, I might also wear a cute sarong or bathing suit that isn’t necessarily for swimming laps in but could stand a dip in the water to cool off. I’m not anti-bikini, but I’m practically a billboard for my dermatologist.
Yeah I wear a rashguard for sun reasons too.
Only downside was that time I unknowingly swam thru a bunch of baby jellyfish – they got all up in there, died, and gave me a rash with a name from the 1800s (“sea bather’s eruption”). Super fun to google “why am I itchy + Atlantic Ocean” at 1am!
Thanks? I’m very sun safe actually.
Maybe it’s just reminding people that not all covered-up people are modesty types. Or aren’t wearing those same bikini tops under their caftan. IDK. Sun protection is a real thing to consider if you’re out for a while and often.
Random question – is afternoon tea a custom you can find in London neighborhoods beyond the fancy hotels? I know people tend to go once or twice when in London and for that they’ll splurge on the Ritz or wherever. I’ll be in London for multiple weeks, am a tea drinker, and would love to make this a daily thing at a neighborhood place – someplace you can see regular people out doing regular life, not just tourists or business travelers; while having somewhat of a British experience sitting down to tea + snacks (not just grabbing something in a paper cup and going like I would do in NYC). Staying in Covent Garden, so I’m not actually sure if there are any residential areas nearby.
From my limited experience in London I think afternoon cup of tea is definitely a thing, with a slice of cake, from pretty much any type of cafe or tea room. But I don’t know if you can get a high tea, with the platter and sandwiches and everything, outside of specific locations that do that sort of thing.
Yes, my experience is that you can get a “cream tea” – tea with a scone – at a lot of places.
Including the tea shop on Hampstead Heath! Tea, clotted cream and scones after a blustery spring walk = heaven.
“Cream tea” is definitely what you should look for. Some places may have more elaborate options as well, but lots of cafes offer a cream tea.
In the UK afternoon tea (the whole palaver of cakes, scones and sandwiches served on a cake stand) is something special and done rarely (unless you are really upper-class). Its also generally quite expensive. In fact, until about 10 years ago it was only something I’d read about in books (or older relatives had spoken about). For most “normal” Brits its an expensive treat we have occasionally. Generally in the afternoon we are mostly working and can’t take 90 minutes to go and get a stand of cakes.
Just got back from London last week. There are still plenty of cafes and bakeries where you can certainly get a toned-down tea/snacks experience (not a full three-tiered, three-course experience, but definitely served on real dishes). I think it is best if you just happen upon them, go in, get your tea and little cake, and enjoy. There are more of these the further out you get from central London–basically Zone 2 on the Tube. My favorite Zone 2 neighborhoods are Hampstead (Hampstead High Street is still adorable) and Chiswick (Chiswick High Street almost feels like you are in a country town). I would also recommend Cafe in the Crypt, which is a cafe in the crypt of St. Martin-in-the-Fields church off of Trafalgar Square that has nice offerings. Also, many of the big attractions have nice cafes inside–like the British Museum, British Library, or National Gallery. At these places, you can get tea in real ceramic and a pastry on a real plate and feel quite lovely.
Oh I love Cafe in the Crypt. Soderberg Soho is also great for scandi vibes.
Has anyone else noticed more sophisticated mail scams recently? Or maybe it’s just a function of me getting older and being more of a target? My mail used to just be 95% junk mail, and now that’s thankfully died down (such a waste of paper!). In the past few months, I’ve seen a social security “Act now to claim your $” scam that’s clearly in large print to try to get seniors. There was a “Your mortgage insurance is expiring” scam where they printed my actual mortgage lender, which I realize is public info. And this morning there was a fake business credit card asking me to call to activate it. SMH :(
A lot of countries have really cracked down on scammers (cheating old folk especially), but the USA is relatively scammer friendly (too many people here feel the scammed person should have known better, that they got what they deserved, and that actually the scammer is smarter and more successful than the scammee and money going from worse to better people is the American way, etc.).
So I suspect that scammers who were shut down elsewhere have shifted to target USA, and there’s just a lot of scam mail, scam calls, and scam email currently. A lot of it is lazy and obvious; some of it less so (like when they use real public data). Their goal is to target anxieties, insecurities, and confusion, so if we are already unsure about something, we’ll be more likely to hesitate over it. I think the deluge means that more of us are likely to encounter something that gets under our skin!
I think in the US more old people live alone and/or away from their people? I’d give the side eye to mail like that, but many people’s older relatives live in The Villages, so are more vulnerable than prior generations where a street-smart grade-schooler would spot a good scam, especially if it came in via text or e-mail. And never pick up the phone for a number you don’t know! Anyone decent will leave a message, especially if calling from an unfamilar number.
In other countries, don’t many old people live in multi-generational households (or the same city) so you can keep an eye on them a bit better? I heard a horror story about a woman who hired a companion for her widower dad and then came to find out what he was lucid and lonely enough to marry her (which they did, and I suspect she was the driving force behind that, which has been much to her benefit and the daughter was frozen out in dad’s final days).
When I lived in Sweden I was amazed you could just put a little sign on your mail slot that said “no advertisements, thanks!” and they couldn’t give you junk mail! It is wild how many small ways the US seems to allow its citizens to be taken advantage of.
I mean, everyone can send me junk, but takes something special to avoid a trip straight into the trash can. Do I know you? Are you a bill? A catalog from Me and Em?
I am getting a lot of hearing aid / retirement villa, etc. spam, but I just toss it (half zip-code driven, half I am not a spring chicken actually).
But the text stuff is . . . bad. I get so much unsolicited on that and if I were old and hard of hearing, I can see why people fall for the “embarassed “grandkid” is kidnapped or needs cash or my card or bank info for ransom or bail money and won’t tell mom/dad” scams. I’d worry about that if my parents weren’t cheap and my kids to young to get in those sorts of scrapes.
My friends who are old enough to be on Medicare and who still have a landline get endless Medicare calls. I’m not even sure they’re all scams, but some of them are. And the sheer volume is overwhelming; we never go through a visit without being interrupted by a call.
Yes I am Swedish and now live in the U.S. and I was like “what do I have to write on the mailbox here to not get all this junk mail!?”. Apparently you can’t do the same here. The mail carrier will still deliver it.
I wish someone would crack down on phone scams. My mom is normally pretty savvy. But the phone rings and she instantly thinks it’s someone she needs to trust or someone of authority. It’s like she hears a human voice and that makes it legit. Someone talked her into “money she was owed from Amazon” and she went to her computer, typed int he link they gave and was filling out a form with her banking info when her bank thankfully stopped the transaction. In the moment, I was so furious that she was so stupid to risk her savings and I’d have to drive four hours to pick up her computer and then hire someone to have the software removed. I wish I had paused a beat. I’m sure she won’t tell me the next time.
If you’re ever in this situation, remember the person is probably embarrassed and show more kindness than I did.
I’ve given her lots of coaching. But I fear she would still do it again. She opens doors for strangers all the time, too, and has invited them in. Which is a whole other problem.
I am an associate, I just found out my lead counsel (senior partner) got Covid over the weekend and can’t do a work thing this afternoon. I was supposed to be shadowing and now I need to do it myself. I am super nervous. If there are any good vibes or tips for how to get through something stressful where I have to talk and lead (think deposition, bargaining session, mediation) I would appreciate it! I have some notes and shadowed a couple times in the past but have never done this type of project/thing by myself.
You’ll be great! Don’t be afraid to say “I’m going to take a moment to gather my thoughts” or “let’s take 5 and I’ll review my notes before finishing things up” or simply “let’s take a quick break” and go to the bathroom for a mental reset.
Take a deep breath, and take a break to review your notes. I also like to read a million outlines from other people to get ideas – their witness outlines, mediation statements, etc.
You can do it! This is how you level up your career. Covering this depo (or whatever) makes partners more comfortable giving you other depositions to handle. Handling depositions, mediations, negotiations, witness testimony, etc. makes the job much more fun and interesting.
good luck!! You will never have to do this stressful thing for the first time alone ever again after today! And this way you didn’t have to nervously prep all weekend for it, just today! Echoing everyone else’s advice to take time when you need it!
Why are you being asked to do the thing yourself instead of the senior partner rescheduling? If I were your client, I’d want to get what I’m paying for (senior partner leading the session), not someone who is new to the task who is supposed to be just observing.
Are you the partner I used to work for when I had to quit because in 7 years I only got to take 1 depo and go to court one time and then only because she had a conflicting argument down the hall but wrapped hers early to be sure she could watch and try to interrupt mine?
Exactly!! We don’t know exactly what this is, but I bet it’s not a complicated expert deposition with 12 binders of exhibits where the senior partner truly is the only person who can handle.
It sounds to me that the senior partner believes OP is capable of handling or else it would have been rescheduled (or another partner would have swooped in… ask me how I know that one!)
I am in house and I pay people whose judgment I trust, which includes their judgment on how to staff a matter.
IANAL, but my clients get whomever I choose to staff on their matters. I am in charge, but I delegate as I see fit and the clients get billed the correct rate for the person who is doing the work. I actively seek out opportunities for junior people to lead various tasks because I have been burned in the past when I’m the only one who is qualified to do the work.
Sure, all this is how it’s supposed to happen, but it doesn’t sound like OP was actually prepared to take on this task. So again, if I’m the client, I want the person doing the thing to be someone who is prepared to do the thing.
Probably because OP is well prepared and the partner thinks she’ll do a great job and it’s in the client’s interest to proceed with OP. The client will be paying OP’s rate, not the partner’s, for the time.
I agree that the partner is letting the OP do it because it’s an appropriate first depo, but the notion that a client would be always fine with a swap because they are paying a few hundred less an hour? Hello penny wise and pound foolish for more critical meetings.
OP, you’ve got this! Partner believes you can do it.
Good luck! It helps me to think through what is the worst thing that could happen / what would really derail the case and what is the best possible outcome. That helps focus me on what I really want to avoid and what my goals are. In between those extremes, most things are going to be fine even if they could be better.
And if it’s a deposition, make sure you actually get your exhibits authenticated even if people are rolling their eyes that it takes a long time! Also if your opposing counsel keeps making baseless objections, calmly ask them to explain the basis – if you coolly push back they may get flustered and chill out.
Here is a quick follow up from my post last week asking how you all communicate with your spouse/significant other. I asked my H why he started using FB Messenger instead of just texting me. He said, “well with all of your social media I thought I would just save you the trouble since you are on fb all of the time. I though it would be easier for you.” This was after he got angry with me for not responding soon enough to his messenger message. I literally responded as soon as I saw it, but I don’t use fb messenger for anything besides random things, I just noticed there were notifications so I checked. He said he could tell I was on fb so he thought it would be easier for me. I actually was not on fb or messenger when he messaged me. I know there is a green dot or something that shows you are on fb, but have no idea how long that shows green when the app is open. So, yes, he was checking up on me, at least to a certain extent by commenting on “knowing” I was on fb. It sort of makes me uncomfortable to know that he is paying that close of attention to what I am doing throughout the day. Thoughts?
Yeah, that’s super worrying! We’ll use find my phone to see when someone is en route or if we were concerned (how my husband found out I was horrifyingly close to missing my flight the other day…) but wouldn’t “check up” on someone or monitor their usage otherwise. Are there other behaviours you’re concerned about/that are prompting you to ask?
That sounds like a passive aggressive critique of your social media use and I would call that out. Also, this relationship sounds bad.
Husband means she is stuck, so might as well learn to manage that.
Lol what? No it does not. It is not 1812.
You know what she means. If this is someone she wed, he is worth some effort before tossing? In 1812, you could divorced for “cause” but not “just because I wanna.”
Sigh
Ok but also you should be able to get divorced “just because I wanna.” Marriage is not a prison sentence.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t make an effort or take marriage vows seriously! You should! But it’s okay to change your mind, and I’m glad our system allows for that.
I would not want to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to me. I say this as someone who went through a very traumatic divorce that I did not want at the time.
This attitude is toxic.
I’m not saying she should get a divorce without more info, but anyone who is in a bad situation or who doesn’t want to be married anymore for any reason does not have to stay married.
Oh yes. Get divorced because your husband is noisy about facebook. Shesh.
Well, I guess you need help with reading comprehension because I literally typed, “I’m not saying she should get a divorce without more info…”
But also, if you read more below, you’ll notice that husband is doing a lot more monitoring than just “being noisy [sic] about Facebook.” This type of monitoring can indicate an abusive situation or one that is heading that way. OP would not have posted if she didn’t feel something was not okay, and women in these situations should be encouraged that they do not have to stay married to men who do this if they do not want to.
Again, if someone wants to get divorced FOR ANY REASON, they should be able to do so because no one can force you to be in a relationship against your will.
Different take, as someone who thinks that it is very important to take marriage vows seriously: if you act like you do not need to grow because your spouse is stuck with you, you are the one who is failing as a spouse.
My husband’s deep faith means that he almost certainly would not walk out on me. I view it as my job to be a good wife and to not make him feel like he choosing between God and his own happiness. Our marriage struggled, largely because of my husband’s “whelp I guess this is marriage” attitude. Several years into our marriage, he understood that he couldn’t make me stay married to him and had to work at it.
You can turn off the green dot that shows that you’re active. The settings are different on every device, so you need to do it separately on desktop and mobile. Doesn’t solve the bigger issue of him checking up on you, but at least he won’t be able to see anymore.
If you thought it was okay, you wouldn’t be asking the question here.
This is a huge red flag to me. You also said he got “angry” you didn’t respond quickly enough. He seems very controlling. How does he express his anger?
This is weird and worrying.
Is there more monitoring activity than this? This alone actually doesn’t bother me Mich. He might be criticizing you but it is so easy to see who is on FB if you are on yourself that I would not assume he was checking up on you. I could say the same about my cousin and a guy I went on 3 dates with and I am certainly not checking up on them, I just see them on every time I am.
OP here. Yes, there are other monitoring things that have happened as well and I am trying to sort out what is ok and what is not, as he always thinks he knows what I am doing and wants to know what I am doing all of the time. I never seem to “share” enough for his liking so he seems to think he has to go find out what I haven’t “shared” with him. It gets frustrating, but I wanted to know if I am now just overreacting.
This is a huge red flag. Judge whether his monitoring activity is normal (it isn’t) based on the sum of its parts. It may be tempting to see whether it’s “normal” to check whether someone is on FB, and half a dozen other activities, when it all adds up to controlling and potentially abusive behavior. You know something is wrong here, and you are not overreacting.
You are not overreacting!
Look, you seem to lack some perspective here because you keep acting like maybe some of this is normal and happens to other people.
It is not normal. None of this is normal. Your husband is being extremely controlling and suspicious and that is not how healthy relationships work.
There are red flags all over this and your prior post.
Why haven’t you simply told your husband that your social media usage is none of his business and to knock off the monitoring? Are you so deep in this that you think he’s justified in some way? Because he is not.
I’d personally be thinking about getting out of this relationship asap
+1000
Absolutely none of this would be okay in my relationship. Obviously I can’t speak for everyone, but this would make me deeply uncomfortable. Whatever degree of monitoring makes you uncomfortable is too much, OP.
+1
Nope you are under reacting. Honestly go google divorce lawyers from a library computer and call one from your office. This will never get better.
Has this happened throughout your relationship or is it a newer thing? Has he communicated what feelings are fueling his monitoring?
I can (sort of) understand if he was just upset that he felt like you saw the message and purposefully ignored it, but obviously if it is a broader pattern it is worrying. Have you tried setting boundaries with him around what is and isn’t appropriate with regards to him checking in?
It sounds like he may have issues with anxiety and control that he is trying to externalize and make about your behavior instead of his own feelings. He should maybe be in individual therapy. I would recommend firmly asserting boundaries with him around this (i.e., instead of saying “I didn’t see your message” in response, clearly state, “I’m not comfortable with frequent monitoring of my location and social media use. Please refrain from doing this in the future, as it doesn’t seem healthy for either of us.”) It matters a lot how he responds to you setting the boundaries. He may just not have a sense of this being inappropriate, but if you are communicating to him that it is and he’s still doing it, there is a bigger problem here.
Ok I disagree that “please don’t track my online status and location” is something a spouse should even remotely need to ask. Yikes.
It doesn’t seem relevant at this point as to whether, ideally, a spouse should have to ask this. This is OP’s husband and this is the situation she’s in – it makes sense to vocalize her boundaries if she hasn’t yet.
Also, maybe an unpopular opinion, but while this could be controlling behavior, I feel like it could also just be him feeling a bit anxious right now and not reflective of a broader pattern. It’s worth digging into to see which is the case and whether he’s open to dealing with his own internal world before labelling him as abusive for asking about why she didn’t text back.
With what you just said here, definitely not overreacting. This is controlling and not okay. As an example of what I would say is a fairly healthy relationship, the other day I told my husband that he was scaring me because I couldn’t predict when he would be angry (as you can imagine, we’ve been under stress with cancer and a small child). He immediately got sad and we talked it through, including talking about how he has historically suppressed anger and is working on expressing it healthily. He has been careful to use soft words to introduce frustration since then. Most crucially, he sees managing his anger as *his* problem, not mine. Anger that is your fault? “Nothing I can do is enough”? Not good signs.
None of this is remotely normal.
My husband and I are frankly not interested enough in each other’s banal day-to-day actions to monitor. We frequently use each other’s phone (to take a picture, turn on sonos, check the weather etc.) and would never check each other’s email while doing it. My husband hasn’t ever used fb messenger. This is all to say — no not at all normal, and not okay, and yes you should probably search divorce lawyers from an computer he cannot trace. I’m so sorry.
OP here. Lots of you make good points here. Yes, I probably am looking to see if any of this is normal. I would love to find an answer that makes me want to keep this together so that kids and my religious beliefs can be put above all else, but what I keep hearing from not just you, but others IRL, is that this is not ok. I’m just having a hard time making that break.
Therapy (by yourself) might be helpful in this situation.
I also would say that friends IRL who are opining might be basing their opinions on more than just this behavior, and this might be the best way they have to say that his behavior is worrisome.
I agree with the poster who says therapy for you individually will be helpful. You shouldn’t try couples therapy if he has controlling tendencies.
All I have to say in regard to the kids is that sometimes staying together isn’t the healthiest course for the kids, either. They can see what’s going on.
I hope you’re able to get some help (therapy or with logistics or other concerns). Be gentle with yourself and take good care.
You should put yourself above your religious beliefs, jfc
This isn’t normal.
I would ask him:
1. Why your social media use or lack thereof concerns him
2. Why he monitors it
3. How often he checks on your setting
And I would be clear that if he wants a quick response, he needs to text or WhatsApp you.
His reply to the questions will let you know the way forward.
Honestly sounds like a misunderstanding to me. I have been guilty of trying to get in touch with my DH, seeing the green dot on FB and assuming he was actively on Facebook and messaging him there. This is exactly how I learned that green dot isn’t accurate, he probably just didn’t know.
Did you get angry at him for not replying though?
She posted some days ago about this…while it’s nice there is at least some more context, methinks this is more than a misunderstanding.
Any thoughts on BeautyCounter? Just did the Created Colorful consult (cool winter) and I’m mildly interested in the cosmetic recommendations.
It is an MLM, so be aware of that. I did not realize that at first and ordered the lip color that was recommended for me by Created Colorful. It was fine but I didn’t love it. I’ve since found a drugstore color and a Fresh Sugar color that I prefer. In their defense, I think it was the best option available from them, it just wasn’t the best color for me.
I didn’t order blush at first because I was having trouble choosing between the recommendations and didn’t want to spend that much until I was sure. I decided to look for some similar cheap options to decide how intense to go, and ended up loving one of them! That, combined with finding out it’s an MLM, means I haven’t ordered anything else. I didn’t consider them for other products because I already liked what I was using and I was able to just buy better colors in those.
Ah I did not know that and MLMs are a hard pass for me, thanks!
I would not support a MLM.
Has one had a large tree cut down recently? How much did you pay? I know this will vary by region but I’d like to get some ballpark ideas. (I’m in the Midwest FWIW). We have a large, healthy oak tree that is really nice but in the absolute worst location. It hangs over our house, our neighbors house and fence, and it so close to my deck you can touch it. I have a lot of concerns about the roots causing issues as well.
$3500 with the stump left in place, trunk and branches hauled away.
More like 5K, SEUS, stump grinding extra. 100YO oak with some sort hole developing in a crotch that is visible from second floor window (and tree is close to house).
We have a very large oak tree in our back yard — probably 80 feet high or so. We were quoted around $15k to have it cut down and we didn’t do it. It came down last year during a hurricane and came through the roof, collapsing our ceiling in two rooms and causing all kinds of cracking throughout the house. It’s been eight months and we’re still in the thick of dealing with it. Truly the nightmare that keeps on giving. If I could go back in time I would cut it down in a heartbeat.
Thousands and thousands of dollars depending on size and accessibility.
If you are concerned, I’d call an arborist who specializes in keeping trees healthy, not a tree service that only takes them down. They will tell you what dangers it poses, if any, and can advise on how best to trim it.
Midwest as well and was quoted $10k for 8 mature trees (one an oak, others similar in size but other species), no stump grinding. Cost breakdown was basically $9k base price for one problem tree because the proximity to buildings and access issues mean they have to bring in a crane. The rest of the trees we eventually wanted removed because they are nearing the end of their lifespan and will become problem trees in the next couple of years, so for the incremental cost per tree it makes sense to take them all out at once.
Other quotes varied wildly, from $1k (an absolute no, because one overambitious, uninsured guy with a chainsaw hacking away at things was…not reassuring) to upwards of $35k (also a no, because while legitimate professionals, they don’t have the heavy equipment needed for trees this size and would require far more time and a much larger crew to do the work. We found a company that spends the bulk of their time on actual logging operations and thus have all the special equipment, and who also do side gigs like this.
$3500 for a truly massive sycamore that was too close to our house, extra for stump grinding. SEUS. It will be several thousand, at least.
I had a certified arborist come look at some trees in my backyard (2 large oaks near the house and a few others) and then trim to ensure that they all stay healthy. That was $4000. I’m in the southern US. This was in the backyard, so they couldn’t pull any equipment right up next to the trees.
I had a tree at a different house fall on the house (front yard, but on a holiday weekend). It was obstructing all entrances and exits because it fell across the front door and then blocked the gate from the back yard, so I really needed it gone ASAP. Anyway, that cost $9k to cut off the house and haul away, again on a holiday weekend, so I had to pay a premium, but still.
So it’ll depend on how accessible and large the tree is but also you will be in the thousands for sure. I recommend having an arborist come look at the tree for peace of mind.
Philly burbs info from in laws – 5k to remove two trees from uncomplicated location.
Thanks all! I would have an arborist look at it if it were anywhere else. We live in a region that gets tornados and even bad thunderstorms make me nervous. One quote we have received so far was just under 4K so that seems to be right in line with others experiences. We live on the edge of the neighborhood and do have access to the backyard via the street so this might help the cost as well.
It depends if they need a crane. We had an oak taken down with a crane, it was maybe $5500? Ones they can climb would be more like $3k. Felling is much cheaper, more like $1k. Philly suburbs. Definitely ask a few people, if it’s healthy someone will probably climb it if there’s enough room.
$1600 to cut down one tree and have two stumps ground down, small town Midwest. All areas very easily accessible for equipment and it took like, 10 weeks to get them to come out, two days to do the work.
This is closer to the price point I’m at in rural New England. For two mid-sized (60′) trees, $700 (not a typo) to have them cut down but no stump removal. The downside is I have to wait all season until they have the bucket truck in my town.
Does anyone own the Cuyana Triple Zipper overnight bag? I am looking for a work bag and have a gift card here so this one jumped out. I work on a campus so prefer no leather (other than straps) because it gets heavy. Mostly wondering if it’s too big for a work bag.
I don’t own it but just went to the website and it looks like a great work bag, particularly if you have a lot to carry!
I prefer an easily accessible outer pocket (metro card, work badge, etc ) and I don’t see that on this bag, so if that matters to you YMMV.
Why not just the Cuyana tote or zippered tote? I would say that yes, that bag is too big for a work bag. If you need to bring that much stuff to work you should wear a backpack. The tote is leather, but it’s pretty light, especially if you do not get the insert.
I have the weekender bag, so the bigger version. It is very very sturdy. I’m not sure it’s lighter weight than leather because of how it’s constructed but it’s a last-forever kind of bag.