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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
NYC during the holidays
Going to NYC for a weekend in December! I read a fun comment yesterday about the Empire State Building candy cane and wanted to ask about fun sights or must-dos in NYC during the holidays. What are your favorite sights, activities, bars with festive decor, etc.? I’ve also been thinking of trying high tea in a fancy hotel in case anyone has a rave review!
Anonymous
Bergdorf’s top floor is a Christmas wonderland
GCG
I’ve done tea at the Plaza and at Bergdorf’s. The Plaza is iconic but I honestly enjoyed the tea at Bergdorf’s more. The setting is cozier and more intimate feeling, there is a beautiful view of Central Park, and the amount of food served was just right. The Plaza’s tea service was decadent and delicious. I’m glad I did it once, but I now prefer Bergdorf’s.
NY CPA
The restaurant Rolf’s get’s CRAZY decorated. If you’re looking for decorations, go there, but expect it to be crowded. I also just went to Valerie for drinks and thought that their Christmas decorations looked nice.
Skincare
Curious whether anyone gotten super amazing results from expensive skincare. Part of me is fascinated by La Mer, but the more left brained side of me is not that impressed with their ingredients list and, of course, price tag. Tbh I think recent improvements in my skin are probably due to better nutrition, and don’t think I’ve ever been truly wowed by a skincare product. For example, I’ve tried and liked stuff from “higher end” brands (Dr. Jart, Sulwhasoo), felt meh/no discernible difference with some (Kate Somerville, Estee Lauder, SKII, Ole Henrikson), and think some drugstore/cheaper products work pretty darn well (The Ordinary, Missha, Korean and Japanese sunscreens). Has anyone been truly wowed by anything??
In-House in Houston
I haven’t. A friend starting selling Rodan & Fields and I bought just because she was a friend…and that stuff is expensive because it’s multi-level marketing! I starting using the Strivectin brand after seeing it on sale at Costco and I’m really loving it. I use their eye cream, face cream and a neck cream (my neck looks fine but it’s preventive) and my skin looks great and I’ve had several compliments on it lately (never got any compliments when I was using R&F). I know this isn’t what you asked, but I’m with you on questioning if it’s worth it to spend more.
Anon
For anti-aging, I’ve tried a lot of different things (love those sample sizes!) but I have not been “wowed” by anything that didn’t contain retinol/retinoids. I think I’ve come around to the idea that using expensive products that don’t have retinoids isn’t that much different than taking money and flushing it down the toilet. I’m getting better results from my $39 every-other-month Curology prescription than I have from anything else I ever tried, and don’t spend much money on skincare products any more other than my daily sunscreen, cleanser and the plain moisturizer I use to buffer the Curology. I think someone posted here that their dermatologist told them the only things that really work are sunscreen and retinoids – that’s what’s supported by research. I really wish I had bitten the bullet and gotten a prescription for tretinoin a long time ago, rather than engaging in a fruitless (and somewhat expensive) search for something that worked to brighten my skin and smooth out my fine lines.
Anon
Love my curology. And I love it better than my rx retinoids I’ve used over the years. Mine is azelaic acid, tretinoin, and niacinamide.
Anon
+1 I wanted to simplify my routine and have less to apply on my face. Mine is tretinoin, tranexamic acid, and niacinamide to Target wrinkles and sun spots. I really like it so far and feel like it’s done better than years of vitamin C serum and face masks.
BeenThatGuy
I swear by Skinceuticals CE Ferulic serum. I have used it consistently for 2 years and frankly, I glow (not easy to do at 43). It seems to be a polarizing product on this board between the cost and the smell (yep, it smells like cold ham for about 15 seconds). I’m sure there are fantastic lower end dups for this but I’ll stick with this.
Anokha
Does anyone know where you can get a sample of it? Before I pull the trigger, I’d like to try it out…
Anon
I think you have to give it a few weeks and a bottle lasts a few months at most so that would be a difficult sample to score for free.
Anon
+1
Triangle Pose
My skin was wowed by the Ordinary. The texture totally changed and is now super smooth and it’s steadily reducing hyperpigmentation. I looked up their skin guide and bought the products in the regimen for what I was looking for – texture, hyperepgmentation. It’s amazing. I’m east Asian so I don’t have wrinkles or fine lines (yet) but I’ve been impressed with them plumpness of my skin anyway. Even my mother was impressed by the change. Price is right and I see way more results than I did with other more expensive brands.
CountC
+1 I love The Ordinary and Deciem products.
LawyerAnon
I’ve found great skincare all over the price spectrum. I have sensitive skin and I have noticed that I tend to get more clogged pores, redness, etc.. with drugstore moisturizers, but that’s the main difference I’ve noticed. First Aid Beauty is what I’d consider “mid-range” and I’ve had great results with their products. I also recently discovered Cotz sunscreen for sensitive skin and like it. You can find that at Ulta.
Anon
I’m a skincare minimalist and highly skeptical of expensive products. I wash my face once a day, in the evening, with Cerave moisturizing face wash. The two more expensive products I use are Supergoop’s Unseen Sunscreen on days I wear makeup, and Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. I’m pretty fortunate with low maintenance skin, so maybe that’s why I can get away with it, but all the masks, serums, blah blah blah to me serve no purpose other than to separate me from my money.
Anon
I think it is hard to be unbiased about products not working or not working when you already have really good skin, which you acknowledge.
I have had lifelong acne and have worn makeup at work to cover some of my cysts and scars. I do not have acne because I wear makeup! I wear makeup because I have acne. But you’d be surprised at how many women who have naturally easy skin suggest I should just wash my face and stop wearing makeup.
Anon
I really agree with Anon at 11:39.
Ironically, the Cerave line is one of the worst things that ever happened to my skin. I know it’s considered really gentle for people with basically fine skin, but my doctor has had multiple patients who found it made their very sensitive skin even more reactive (and online reviews are full of photos of people whose skin reacted the same way mine did, though I bought my Cerave products from the drugstore, not online).
Fringe
I feel like sensitive skincare and general skincare are really different topics. What works for people with “basically fine skin” is definitely going to be so different. As someone with not sensitive skin, I do things to my skin that I *know* I would never recommend to people with sensitive skin (like only partially rinsing off my cerave cleanser, not double cleansing, getting my makeup off with my face wash and calling it good, using a scented moisturizer, re-using the same wash cloth multiple nights in a row (it’s not ideal but I can’t afford to be constantly washing my microfiber rags)). I love my CeraVe cleanser (was unimpressed with their PM moisturizer) but I am not surprised to hear that it’s not as gentle for everyone.
HSAL
I’ve never used anything super expensive, but the only more pricy brands I’ve been impressed with are Korres (I love love love the sleeping facial) and Philosophy (especially the Help Me retinol). But I’m 38 and getting tired of sampling different products, so I’ve been slowly finding my holy grails. My daily moisturizer/sunscreen is Aveeno Positively Radiant. If I’m particularly dry at night I’ll use the Neutrogena Deep Moisture cream. I used to use the Philosophy Purity Made Simple, but Cetaphil is just as good for me. And my absolute favorite face wipes are the Simple brand. I’m still looking for a Vitamin C that doesn’t smell weird, so open to suggestions there. I’ve tried two powders to mix with my moisturizer that just stink on my face. Maybe it’s the moisturizer’s problem, but I’m not willing to switch.
LawyrChk
+1 for the Aveeno Positively Radiant (w/ SPF 30). I have been using on and off for years and love it. And the price is right.
My other fave is Replenix. It was originally recommended by my derm, but their green tea serum with retinol is great. I’ve worked up to the 5X level; they have varying strengths of retinol to get you accustomed to it. It’s around $70 and lasts me between 6 months and a year.
Beyond that, all I use is face wash.
Formerly Lilly
Skin care junkie who will spend the big bucks and have tried a lot of them over the years. La Mer was better before Estee Laudee bought it and changed it. It’s a hard pass for me now, as I feel it is overpriced and rather ordinary. I found La Prairie to have a significant beneficial effect on the glowiness and overall appearance of my skin. Unfortunately it was the product that made it apparent to me that my skin can no longer tolerate dimethicone, which started out years ago as an ingredient for cheap products that gave them a better slip and feel, but seems to be in nearly all products anymore. Given that, I am using May Lindstrom and am very happy with the products. It’s a pretty limited line though, and you have to fill in with another brands second non-oil cleanser and also eye care. If you are willing to splurge and don’t have dimethicone sensitivity, I’d recommend going to a store and nicely begging some La Prairie samples to see if you get good results. Also recommend Darphin, which is an extensive line and highly customizable. Any other high end lines I’ve tried I haven’t felt were worth the money.
Houda
I am seriously considering a switch to May Lindstrom, her products are even more expensive here in the UK, but the ritualistic nature of them and the packaging just won me.
I have tried a lot of skincare, and do believe that most of what you need will be available from French pharmacy brands at a mid-range price. I would say the only 2 splurges I continue to have are the Emma Hardie moringa cleanser which hits the sweet spot in indulgence, smell etc. I use it exclusively as a second cleanse. The second splurge would be NIOD sanskrit saponins, also used as a second cleanse 2-3 times per week. I also love the Kate Somerville ExfoliKate but find myself not using it as I am waiting for my skin to have absolutely no irritation on it.
I found that I get much better sustained results by investing in an amazing facialist and keeping my skincare simple. She tailors the facial to my skin needs, so I can have different treatments by face zone (e.g. peeling on left cheek, brightening on right cheek, hydrating on forehead etc.)
Formerly Lilly
Hi Houda, I can really recommend the May Lindstrom products. They give me the closest glow to the La Prairie products that I’ve found. Though pricy, a little goes a very long way. They smell and feel divine. A container of Blue Cocoon, used nightly on face and neck, lasts me about 8 months. I am probably overly generous with the oil cleanser, used nightly to remove makeup, and it lasts about 4 months. The serum, exfoliant, and facial mist last about 6 months for me. She has temporarily pulled the Honey Mud product but it is expected to reissue early 2020. That too lasts about 6 months for me, used as a slap it on and wear it around the house for 20 minutes during my morning routine mask about twice a week.
mahnamahna
I am skeptical of expensive products too and have really low maintenance skin. My main issue is dryness. However, my mom gifted me some clarins products a few years ago and I just love them. Whenever I run out, I always go back and forth on whether I should really be ponying up $50-60 for another jar of cream, but I’m also never satisfied with the cheaper replacements that I buy. I feel the same way about makeup. My saving grace is that I really only use a cleanser, moisturizer, foundation, blush and mascara.
Housecounsel
I spend money on Retin-A from the derm, as well as a Vitamin C serum I get there. My derm suggested good ol’ Neutrogena for all the rest.
Anonymous
I don’t use much on my skin, but I stopped breaking out after switching to EltaMD’s cream face wash and moisturizer (I’ve used AM, PM, and the barrier moisturizers and I don’t notice a difference).
CPA Lady
I have dry skin even though I live in a humid climate. I use a mix of high and low end stuff. Basically everything is cheap except the lotion. I can’t cheap out on lotion.
-Sensibio Soothing Micellar Water ($15 for a giant bottle that lasts months and months)
– Cerave Hydrating Facial Cleanser ($11 for a giant jug that lasts months and months)
– Trader Joes Hyaluronic Acid Serum (idk how much it costs, but it’s cheap)
– Clinique Moisture Surge 72 Hour Hydrator ($40 for 1.7 oz)
Once it gets really cold and dry, I like dr. jart ceramidin cream as face lotion (about $50). The tiger grass cream is basically a miracle worker as well, and cures chapped skin overnight. When I visit my sister out west and my face is about to crack off from the dryness, I also add the dr. jart hydrating masks. I also really like Good Genes by Sunday Riley.
Minnie Beebe
One time a couple of years ago I splurged and purchased the SKII lotion as well as their RNA moisturizer. TBH, my skin was the clearest it’s been in a long time. Both lasted a really long time and were awesome for my sensitive skin, but I haven’t yet re-purchased. I do think about it on the regular, though. Maybe I’ll treat myself with my next quarterly bonus.
Anon
I’m a Clinique devotee. I have super sensitive skin and no problems with these products. I feel like I look way younger than my age and I’ve been using the products for well over 10 years now.
anon
Another Clinique devotee here. I feel like it’s such an underrated brand, just because it isn’t new and flashy.
Shopaholic
I am a devotee of the Drunk Elephant vitamin C serum. Every year, I tend to run out a week or two before the Sephora sale and I can see a difference in my skin (I’m just more glow-y when I use the serum). It’s the only thing that seems to change so I believe it works for me.
anon
I have sensitive, reactive skin and I’ve found that stuff outside my control — temperature fluctuations, humidity, hormones, stress — affect how my skin behaves as much (or more) than anything I put on my skin. I have to work with products that are OK for sensitive skin, which eliminates a lot right off the bat. I use a lot of Clinique and Cerave because I know they won’t freak my skin the eff out. Other than an undereye cream, I haven’t done much in for anti-aging products because of the risk of irritation and further damaging the moisture barrier.
In House Lobbyist
I am in love with all the Korean beauty products. I have seen a huge difference in my skin and have even switched foundation. I spend a lot of time of SoKo Glam site and loved the owner’s book on Korean skincare.
Anonny
Products I’ve found to be worth it for my dry but breakout-prone skin:
– Glow Recipe Avocado Melt Sleeping Mask
– Glow Recipe Watermelon + AHA Sleeping Mask
– Belif The True Cream Moisturizing Bomb
– Farmacy Green Clean Makeup Meltaway Balm
– Clinique Clarifying Lotion 1
– Josie Maran Skin Dope Argan/CBD Oil
– Amorepacific Enzyme Peel Cleansing Powder
Eliza
I’ve used Paulas Choice for years with great results. A while back, my husband looked at me over dinner and said, “your face looks different. It’s whiter or something.” It was his awkward way of saying that the hyperpigmentation I’d had for years had faded. Good skincare doesn’t have to be expensive. I’ve since added prescription tretinoin and that’s been effective as well.
ceej
I’ve had good results with consistent, intentional skincare. I use Differin at night (retinol), followed by Weleeda skin food light or squalane oil (Biossance brand). In the morning I use Pixi Glow tonic (glycolic acid 5% toner), and then The Ordinary Hyaluronic acid, (and more skin food or squalane if I’m dry) and then sunscreen. All of those are fairly cheap brands, but it still adds up to!
anon
Left and right-brainedness has been debunked, but maybe you were using it as shorthand.
Anon
Aside from terms which, when misused, cause indirect harm to a group (think, “I’m so OCD/ADHD” by people who are not actually OCD/ADHD), I tend to avoid assuming the worst of a person’s awareness, and instead assume they mean whatever used-to-be-technical-but-is-now-defunct term in the colloquial sense. Because honestly, no one comes to a fashion blog, to ask a question about skincare, to get educated on the latest neuroscience.
Anon
My skin loves the Lancome Genefique serum. It keeps me looking glowy and happy, even when life isn’t. Every now and again I’ll skip a bottle, thinking it isn’t doing that much for me, and then I look at myself a month later and wonder what the heck happened…oh, yeah, I quit using Genefique. Sure, it’s $70 a bottle, but it genuinely works for me and hey, you get all that free stuff with it if you buy during a GWP sale (which is the only time I ever buy). They also have an undereye SPF I’m devoted to.
Florida Flower
Has anyone tried P50 by Biologique Recherché? Does it live up to the hype?
Anonymous
Yes, and yes. It is honestly the one “splurge” product that I would recommend and plan to repurchase indefinitely. Highly recommend getting a 1oz travel size bottle from RescueSpa to try it out, it will last you a LONG time (I’m not kidding, it lasted me a year).
Anonymous
Replying to this late, but I went through a phase where I was really into expensive skincare and have tried almost everything mentioned below (May Lindstrom, Drunk Elephant, Niod, Clinique, Kate Somerville, Paulas Choice, Skinceuticals, etc etc etc). IMO the only thing thats worth the splurge is a prescriiption for Retin-A/Curology. Save your money for microneedling and Clear & Brilliant- these actually work. I’m now a Cerave devotee (still use Skinceuticals SPF though).
Anonymous
I meant mentioned above not mentioned below, ha
Ellen
Elizabeth, these wide leg twill pants will look great on a number of different body types; and for those who can wear these at work, the stretch feature coupled with the wide leg look offers extra possibilities for other working hivettes like me that have to figure out ways to divert people’s focus from our tuchuses, which have unfortunately increased in size disproportionately over the years, based in part on heredity, but more-so because of our sedintery jobs where we are forced to sit for many hours at our desk each day drafting breifs, or participating in depositions and long and boring settlement discussions with opposing council. My Dad says that THIS is why I have a bigger tuchus then my sister, Rosa, and I agree. We both have the same genes, but Rosa has a personal trainer come to her home 2x a week, does not work, and does bikram yoga for an hour every weekday, leaving her weekends free to spend with Ed and the kids! I, on the other hand, get my only real excercise walking to work and back home, but the vast majority of my workday is spent sitting either at my desk, in the conference room, or in status conferences with the court. He says the Manageing partner should be focused not so much on dressing me properly for my appearance, but on makeing sure I get in some time with a personal trainer to tone up during the workday at least once or twice a week. Does this sound reasonable? I am not aware of other lawyers who get this benefit during the workday, so I ask the hive for guidence on this. Thank you for your views, as most all of us will face this issue sooner or later as we become more senior in our legal positions. TIA!
Anon
These pants! I can’t imagine wearing this style. I suppose my eye will adjust but I’m about the size of the model, and I would feel like the side of a house in these.
Also, they’re too short on her.
Cb
Yeah, my students are all wearing baggy, non-stretchy jeans and my brain hasn’t adjusted to the idea yet.
Anonymous
Ugh — it’s only a matter of time until pleats make a comeback.
Ribena
Agree. My hips are the biggest part of me without adding more visual volume.
Anon
This style looks nicer when it hugs the hips and thighs, then flares out around the lower leg.
Anon
That’s a different style, but I agree that it works better on most body types.
Anon
I have a coworker who wears wide-leg pants like this. She is 5’10” and a size 6-8 and they look great. Great enough that I know that on 5’6″, size 16 me they would not look great at all.
Cat
I think the pants are in no-mans’ land here. They are too long to be “ankle” wide-leg pants (which I am giving a WIDE berth as I am neither tall nor cool enough to pull them off), but too short to be hemmed correctly. I’m loving this dramatic style hemmed almost to the floor with pointed-toe heels and the associated leg-lengthening!
Anonymous
My biggest complaint is the shoes. You’d have to wear pointed-toe, high-heeled shoes and/ or be tall for the pants to look right, and since I am 5’4 and not willing to give up my flats and low-heeled shoes, I’m grumpy about bootcuts and wide legs making a comeback.
Shortie
I wish I could wear pants like this. Looks so comfortable. I’m 5’1″ on a good day with narrow hips and short legs. These would make me look really stumpy.
Housecounsel
I bought a wide-legged pair and wore them this week with a turtleneck. I was trying to channel Shiv Roy on Succession. I failed miserably, I felt very wide and uncomfortable.
Anon
Channeling Shiv Roy is always a worthy endeavor, though!
Anon
I also bought a pair of wide legged pants and wore them with a turtleneck – the proportions SHOULD have worked and I know the outfit looked objectively fine, but I, too, felt very wide and uncomfortable.
The original Scarlett
I’m very tall and into the look, I got a similar pair in faux leather I plan to wear for holiday parties with really high heels and silky blouses. I like a shift from the skinny leg, but my style had always been more boho/70s
anon
I’m on the tall side, size 10-12 with hips, and absolutely love this look. It works for me. The ankle pant era has been a nightmare for some of us. ;)
Anon
Co-sign. Size 6 pear with very “sturdy” legs (and cankles).
Amy H.
+1000!!
Anon
Wireless headphones that aren’t Airpods? I work out a lot so they’d need to be good for that. I was on the fence about Airpods because of the price, but as I was about to take the plunge, I heard about the Vice and WaPo articles regarding their shelf life/not being able to be recycled. I’d like them to be the same size as Airpods (give or take).
Panda Bear
I have the echo buds and they are pretty good. They are my first wireless pair so I can’t compare them to anything else, though. I hated the hard plastic feel of AirPods in my ears; the echo buds have the usual soft silicone tips like most earbuds. (I think there are some new AirPods coming out with silicone tips soon?) The sound quality is good, and they are easy to set up and use. I love them for running. The only downside is they start to feel uncomfortably heavy in my ears after about an hour of wear and I need to take a break from them.
Anon
I have also shunned AirPods as apple headphones hurt my ears, but I tried my friend’s pair of the new silicon tip AirPods yesterday and was blown away, they are very comfortable and the noise cancelling is excellent.
I currently have the Samsung neckband headset with super small, silicon tipped earbuds and I like that it eliminates the weight on my ears. I’ve had it for a long time and it continues to work perfectly.
Anon
My understanding is that most wireless headphones are manufactured in such a way that the battery can’t be replaced and that they can’t be recycled. If those are things you care about, I would recommend researching any brand you are thinking about because it’s not just an airpods problem.
Anonymous
This. I don’t think the issue is the airpods themselves but wireless headphones with a finite battery life that are unrecyclable.
I hate planned obsolence.
Anon
OP here – I’d take some with a wire that are regular old Bluetooth headphones instead, something not too bulky. Like the ones that wrap behind your neck but don’t take too much space in a small crossbody. Us New Yorkers can’t go anywhere without headphones but I’m fed up with getting tangled in my coreded ones.
NY CPA
I like my Beats headphones that have the thing that wraps around the back of your neck. I doubt they’re recyclable (haven’t looked into it), but I haven’t had any issues with battery life.
Shortie
+1 on the planned obsolescence. Good for business, bad for the planet.
Anon
I love my Bose SoundSport
Housecounsel
I like my Powerbeats.
Notinstafamous
Me too! They even replaced them for free after two years when the plastic bit that the cord connects to broke.
GCG
+1 for the Bose Soundsport. They are especially great for working out.
Anonymous
I’m not even in the “OK Boomer” demographic, but I am realizing that something like 80% of the people working in my building have something in their ears in the morning when they are walking to the elevators (so 75% of them are coming from the parking deck, so they drive in like that). I think my building skews young (Big4 firm has a few floors in it and they skew younger I think).
I’ve never liked having anything in/near my ears dating back to school language labs, so I feel like I am on another (silent) planet.
Anon
OT but I don’t think “Ok, boomer” is actually about the Baby Boomer generation, it’s just an insult to anyone older. My 25 year old coworker said it the other day to 33 year old me.
Anonymous
Then your coworker is using it wrong. It’s an expression of exasperation in response to all the hate millennials get for having crushing student debt, wanting some kind of work/life balance (unlike our parents), and actually caring about the future of our planet. I’m an old millennial (35) and I’m flabbergasted that boomers are so offended by “Ok Boomer” after all the hate they’ve piled on my generation.
Anon
I agree. We’ve put up with “stupid millennial are obsessed with avocado toast” and worse for years and then the second we come up with a pithy catchphrase to capture our intense frustration at the world you left us with, you’re suddenly all offended? Get over it.
Anon
I’m not a boomer and not a millenial and pretty much happy to have my generation ignored in the stupid generation wars, but I’m pretty sick of all the feel sorry for me stuff that seems to be social media fueled groupthink for millenials.
Senior Attorney
Haha well I’m a Boomer and I think it’s hilarious, FWIW. But then I never hated on millennials, either.
MX
I dunno – I think the OK boomer stuff is actually coming form Gen Z. It’s just that the Boomers don’t actually know who the millennials are. It’s just the Boomers’ short hand for “kids these days”.
And don’t worry, Gen X – Gen Z has dubbed you the “Karen” generation. Gen Z thinks they’re really cute with their whole call-out culture thing. But it makes this Millennial X (cusp of the 2 generations) shake my head at them.
Anon
Your coworker is dumb. It’s meant for boomers specifically.
Anonymous
She’s also dumb for making age-related comments about a protected class in a work setting.
Anon
It’s all dumb.
Anom
Your coworker is calling you an old lady.
Anon
Yes, I’m aware. I’m saying people use it non-literally. A 33 year old is obviously not actually a boomer.
anon
I also don’t like having things in my ears, and I’ve only found one brand of earbuds that seem to fit my ears. Even they feel itchy after a while. Mostly, I use group classes to exercise, walk/run without headphones, and do chores around my house with my phone playing through the speaker and driving my family nuts.
Julia
Why does the fact that they are walking with earphones in mean that they drive like that? I listen to podcasts over my car speakers while driving, then put in my Airpods for my five-minute walk to the office. /shrug. I’m enjoying what I’m listening too and it’s more interesting than silence.
Anonymous
What? I put in my Airpods when I pull into a parking spot – Airpods sense they’ve been put in and it automatically changes the sound input from my car speakers to my Airpods – and walk to the elevator bank, my office, and then my desk wearing them. Why would you assume walking from the parking garage in Airpods means you must be wearing them to drive?
Anonymous
I see people driving in them all the time.
G-d forbid you are not constantly entertained.
Anonymous
Okay, but that doesn’t mean that everyone you see walking from the parking garage with them is driving in them. I never said people don’t drive in them, I said that you can’t assume that someone or even most people wearing them from the parking garage is driving in them.
I love and listen to a ton of podcasts. I use every moment I can of driving, walking alone, etc. to listen to them so I can get through them all. God forbid I listen to podcasts I enjoy during moments of downtime so I can learn about new topics I’m interested in and get perspectives on current events and culture. Let people enjoy things.
Anonymous
Ok boomer
Anonymous
Has anyone been diagnosed with narcolepsy or chronic fatigue syndrome? There’s a history of undiagnosed sleep issues in my family history and I’m curious if anyone has had either of these conditions, what were the precursors, and how you cope. TIA.
Anon
Why do you ask about one or the other? Both are very, very different disorders. CFS isn’t even a sleep disorder.
Anon
I’ve had distant family members almost diagnosed with CFS before they were able to narrow it down to a subtype of narcolepsy where they were sleeping, but they weren’t really sleeping (I don’t know all the details, it was a distant cousin). So maybe that’s the link?
Anonymous
I have a family member with narcolepsy. There weren’t really precursors – he just always had sleep issues and couldn’t wake himself up on socially acceptable timelines. He ended up dropping out of high school and getting his GED even before he would have graduated, just because going to school was too difficult. In hindsight, he should have gotten accommodations for it. He was treated with Ritalin and seizure meds for years while my parents tried to find out what was wrong. Now, he works in real estate very successfully, where he can set his own schedule and meet his body’s rhythms.
Anon
I agree that narcolepsy and CFS are wildly different. There are also many other sleep conditions (non 24 hour sleep wake disorder, many different kinds of sleep apnea, etc.), as well as many conditions that affect or may feel as though they affect energy and restedness (hematological conditions, conditions that affect orthostatic tolerance, etc.).
I would start by seeing a sleep neurologist at a university hospital. They can do either an overnight sleep study or a daytime sleepiness study or both, and that will help narrow down what the problem may be. Since you know it runs in the family, they could also involve a genetics consultant if that proves relevant.
Anonymous
OP here: I’m waiting until my PTO replenishes to get a sleep test, although I’m fairly certain what family members have is narcolepsy. I remember watching my grandfather fall asleep in the middle of every holiday meal.
I’m asking here about other people’s experiences and how they manage the conditions for either one. It seems like they are both common conditions and yet not a lot of famous people are well known to have them. I am interested in hearing how successful people manage and cope with daytime fatigue and tiredness.
Anon
Again, you don’t seem to be really understanding what CFS is about. I recommend doing some Googling and getting up to speed on how it’s very, very different from “daytime fatigue” and “tiredness.” My best friend, a brilliant student and active athlete, went from normal life to living on the couch for years. It’s absolutely not at all comparable to “fatigue” that can be “managed” with life hacks and the like.
OP
How did your friend cope with her experience with CFS?
I’m not saying I have it. I’m not saying I have a great understanding. I want to understand how others have lived with it.
Anon
She dropped out of high school and lived on the couch for years while trying experimental treatments, including homeopathic treatments they wasted thousands on (i.e., it was desperate). She’s now recovered after undergoing treatment for a rare infection and is living a great life. As for day-to-day management, I don’t know what she would have done without her SAHM available to help her with her every need.
That being said, I don’t understand why you are asking about this when you don’t have CFS or a great understanding of it. What’s the point?
Anon
CFS doesn’t typically make you sleepy as in “falling asleep.” It often makes it very hard to sleep.
The word “fatigue” has really become watered down over the years. One comparison I’ve heard is to think of the last time you were completely laid low by the flu or by a serious viral infection like mono. Think of when you so exhausted that you debated with yourself for an hour whether you really needed to get up to use the bathroom, because it was that hard to do. The kind of tired where you never brushed your teeth that day, and you weren’t up to reading a book or even watching TV. That’s getting closer to what CFS is like. It really doesn’t have much to do with feeling sleepy.
Anon
+1. That is what it was like for my friend (Anon at 11:38). Brushing her teeth became an accomplishment.
Anon
Not CFS but when I had postpartum depression I would check in with my mom about whether it was an earring day or not. Meaning, had I found the energy to put on earrings.
OP
Thank you for this definition. Clearly I have misunderstood CFS. I am trying to diagnose myself, however; I am asking how others have coped with the condition.
Anon
Don’t diagnose yourself and borrow trouble. If you have CFS, you’ll know that something is incredibly, very wrong. You won’t be coming here to post about it.
Anon
CFS is profoundly disabling, so I guess in that case the answer would be “rely on caretakers”?
With narcolepsy, flexible hours can really help. There are also some medications for waketime sleepiness (e.g., Provigil). Beyond that, treatments depends on the specifics.
Different kinds of airway pressure therapy machines can help with breathing issues in sleep.
But I am not sure there are all that many ways to cope that aren’t diagnosis specific. Many people rely on coffee for sleepiness when they’re short on sleep, but that’s not news.
Ribena
Good news – after a really tough year of job rejections, I’ve got a new role doing something I’m really enthusiastic about, to start on January 1st. I was worried the team I’m leaving would make it difficult (posted about that, not under this name, on Monday), but they’re being incredibly reasonable. Thanks for the support when I’ve posted about it here, hive!
Separately – got my first stitch fix box and was really impressed. Somehow they managed to find me the perfect jeans and also a great black dress.
Mrs. Jones
Congratulations on the job and the jeans! Both can be very hard to find.
Anon
+ 1 to this
Anonymous
It’s like you’re living the new Stitch Fix commercial. I have more than enough clothes, but now I’d be tempted to try them. Getting the jeans right is a SKILL.
Ribena
I assume my referral code only works in the UK, but it’s https://www.stitchfix.co.uk/invite/c9vqyywhdc?sod=i&som=c
I was incredibly surprised – and the jeans are from a shop where I would assume they would be too small.
cat socks
Great news! What a wonderful start to the new year. Congrats!
Abby
Yay, congrats! This is awesome, what a great way to start the new year!
Vicky Austin
Win and win! Congrats on the new role – it sounds super exciting and I bet you are relieved!
Ribena
So relieved! Thanks
Cb
That’s wonderful!!
NOLA
How exciting! Congratulations on the new role! And yes to the jeans. I finally found good jeans for my body and I’m just buying them in every color.
Anon
Yay, congrats!! Now your time in Vienna will be even sweeter (thanks for the recs there, btw).
Ribena
Thanks! Yes, looking forward to that tasty tasty Glühwein. I have a trip planned to the new Austrian history museum which I’ve not had a chance to visit before.
NOLA
We need to meet up in Vienna sometime!
Ribena
I assumed you were based in Louisiana? I’m in Vienna 30 Nov to 3 Dec this visit.
NOLA
I am! But I went to school in Vienna and would always love to go back.
Anon
Congratulations!
Anon
Help please. I need commuting boots. I’m thinking Aquatalia as have seen lots of recs. (I’m in DC.). So my question – which ones do you all recommend?
[Sorry if this has been asked and answered – I used to check this blog/comments all the time but it has been s while…]
Housecounsel
When I was commuting in Chicago, I wore Aquatalias all the time. They weren’t particularly warm but they kept my feet dry and didn’t look like I was in a dogsled race in Alaska.
Shopaholic
Blondo! Cheaper than Aquatalia and La Canadienne but look cute and professional, while still being waterproof.
I have real snowboots for the days I need it but I wear these most of the time.
C2
You might also consider Blondo.
Wow
lived in DC for many years and also recommend Blondo. Stylish and waterproof. But they are not snow shoes, best for when it is cold and rainy but not snowing.
What to do with my bonus . . .
I am receiving a larger than expected bonus this year ~ $30k post tax. My immediate plans are to pay off my $11k private student loan and buy myself a very expensive watch at $2k that I have been coveting for some time. I also plan to put a good chunk into my savings account to replenish what I spent in the process of buying/selling/getting the new house set up this summer, but am not sure what is a reasonable/rational split between what to save and what to invest with the left over amount at ~$17k.
I currently max out my 401k, and already have $7k in my savings account. I have about $1k in a robo investor that I don’t do anything with because I am clueless and got talked into it by a friend. It seems foolish not to invest some of this bonus money, but I am CLUELESS about where to start. I know that sources have been mentioned many times here, so I apologize for asking again, but Google didn’t help me all that much.
Are there any other wise considerations I should be thinking about? TIA!
OP
I should add that the $7k in savings won’t quite get me to a 6 month expenses comfort level. $10k is my min savings account comfort level, so at least $3k will go there.
Anon
Savings before watches.
OP
Thanks. I have enough to fund my savings back to $10k AND buy the watch AND put $5,500 in an IRA (per the comment below).
Anon
That’s good, but I left the comment because $10k seems very low for six months. You know your situation better though.
OP
I appreciate that. I am in a LCOL, so it will, but if I fund the IRA at $6k and buy the watch, but do no other spending/investing, my savings will end up at ~$20k, which is PLENTY for an emergency fund for me/my lifestyle.
Anon
Maybe you live a very frugal life in a very low cost of living area, but $10k for 6 months of expenses, when you are a homeowner, seems rather low. (In fact, it’s about 160% of the federal poverty level, which is… a stretch.)
OP
My mortgage is ~$700, which includes escrow. I have no other debt besides my SL, and the private one will be paid off shortly leaving my federal for which I still have forbearance, etc., available for an emergency. I bought my car with cash, and I can easily limit my discretionary spending if I need to in an emergency situation. I have been unemployed before, I have run the numbers.
Anon
I’m in a similar situation and we’ve never kept more than $10 in an emergency fund. I think that amount sounds right for your lifestyle.
Anon
Ditto. There’s a bit of a skew on this site towards more expensive lifestyles. 10k is plenty do-able here for 6 month’s expenses.
Anon
So frugal life, LCOL area.
(IMHO, a small part of the emergency fund issue is also “How easily can you get some paid employment that isn’t necessarily a full-time, permanent job?” If you have an easy time getting consulting or temp work, an emergency fund exists to fill in the gaps.)
Anon
To me, it also makes sense to consider how likely you are to lose your job. A tenured professor can get fired for cause or lose their job if their entire university goes belly-up, but they can’t be laid off due to weak performance or budget cuts the way most corporate workers can. And a person working at start-up is probably considerably more likely to lose their job than someone at a Fortune 500 company. It doesn’t make sense for all of these people to have the same number of months of living expenses in an emergency fund, imo.
Anon
I think it’s all about how that “six months of living expenses” gets calculated.
We are a two-earner household but I decided to err on the side of caution and posit that we might somehow both lose our jobs at the same time (unlikely, as my husband is government, but it felt safer to me). When I added up all our non-froofy expenses, I came up with a number of $35,000 that would allow us to stay in our house, pay COBRA payments, keep our cars (and pay for gas), eat food, and otherwise cover life essentials for six months. However, we would have to jettison all the nonessentials: gym memberships, housecleaning, eating out, etc. Which I think if we were both out of work would be perfectly reasonable. I know some people calculate their six-month emergency number as “maintaining my lifestyle exactly as it is” and so their number may be higher. To me, if I am not working I will absolutely clean my own house and work out at home and cook my own meals – I’ll have plenty of time to do it. Other folks’ mileage may vary.
Anon
Not OP but I could easily live on $1600/month in the short term. We’re not all in NYC Big Law.
Anon
Do you have an IRA? I’d start there. You can put $5,500 in it.
Anon
+1 – and it’s up to $6k this year. If you can’t do an IRA look into a Backdoor Roth conversion.
Also, $10k seems like a small amount for 6 months of expenses (but maybe you live somewhere with a VLCOL?). I would probably bulk that up a bit more. Do you have any other loans to pay off?
anon
Agreed, but: IRAs are $6k if under 50; $7k if over 50 in 2019.
OP
Duh, thanks! I already have an account with Wealthfront and they are top ranked for hands-off IRA (which is me), so I will do that once the money hits my account!
No Problem
No particular advice other than to pay down any debts and save some of it (already part of your plan), but I’m marveling at the prospect of $30K dropping into my checking account. That would be enough to top off my down payment savings so I could finally buy a small house. The biggest bonus I’ve ever gotten was $3K, and after taxes was less than my bi-weekly paycheck. Not minuscule by any means, but not life-changing.
OP
Trust me, I am a bit in shock here too! That’s why I am trying to be as smart as possible about it (while also allowing myself a splurge treat).
Julia
Do you have any other debt you could pay off? Any debt over about 4%, you’re arguably better off paying down rather than investing the same amount.
OP
Yes, I can chuck some at the principle of my federal loans, although I want to have a good savings cushion before I do that, thanks!
GCG
After paying off the student loan and buying the watch (which, I say go for it!), I’d probably put it all in savings and not worry about investments at this stage. As others above mentioned, $7k in savings seems low for an emergency fund. Since you are already maxing 401k contributions, I’d focus on having the emergency fund completely funded with 6 months of expenses before focusing on any other investments.
OP
Thank you for the feedback!
anon
Just chiming in to say buy the watch!!! You’re spending less than 10% after-tax on it and it’s a tangible reminder of accomplishment. You’re being responsible with the rest of the money, so live a little!
Senior Attorney
I agree. Congratulations!
Anon
Do you have other student loans? I would pay off all debt and build the emergency fund before I purchased a $2k watch.
Anon
I disagree, and would describe myself very frugal. Student loans (especially at a modest interest rate) are long-term debt like a mortgage and shouldn’t prevent you from occasionally purchasing things that aren’t necessary. Directing 93% of a bonus to debt repayment/savings, and using the remaining 7% to treat yourself to something nice is objectively a very frugal and financially responsible decision.
AnonInfinity
Totally agree! I don’t understand all the watch hate, when it’s such a small portion of the bonus and she’s using the rest of it VERY responsibly.
Anon
We have a number of people here who are doing FIRE or have FIRE-type philosophies on finances. FIRE is all about cutting out absolutely anything that is not essential so you can save as much money as possible. I’m glad it works and feels good to the people who are doing it. For me, living like that would be like being dead while I was still alive. I am pretty careful with money and am always running my numbers to make sure I’m on track to meet my financial goals but I also believe in living a good life while I’ve still got life to live. Not everyone hates working (I love working and I love what I do). Not everyone wants to live like a pauper early in life so that they can spend 40+ years retired doing…I’m not sure what. But that’s the perspective those folks answer questions from. Their philosophy is not my philosophy and it doesn’t work for me, so I just ignore those comments and move on to the next one.
Anon
I believe this really depends on the interest rate. If you have federal student loans at 8% interest, that should be a high priority because very few investment opportunities are going to have that high of a rate of return.
Anon
Fair enough, but that’s a question of paying down debt vs. saving. Either way, I think putting less than 10% of a sizable (and hard-earned, this isn’t an inheritance) bonus towards a splurge is completely reasonable. People quote the 80-20 rule here frequently, and she’s being even more responsible than that.
AnonInfinity
I also live in a LCOL area with a similar house payment. First of all, I think you should absolutely buy the watch. You’re clearly paying off loans and saving a huge chunk of this bonus, and spending less than 10% on something you’ve been wanting for a long time isn’t a stretch or going to derail anything.
Second of all, I’d follow the above advice and put the max in an IRA but would save the rest. The IRA is an investment, so you’re scratching that itch. I know everyone’s situation is different, but I feel most comfortable with a $15k emergency fund. I could live frugally but not miserably off of that for about 6 months, and it’s enough to cover most anything that could go wrong. I’d use the extra $3k for short term savings for a vacation or the start of a car or something like that. But! With a fully funded emergency fund and some money for short term savings, I would also start looking at index funds to start investing a little monthly if you’re already saving for or moving toward other goals.
My personal goal is that I have my EF set aside that I don’t touch. Then once my short term savings goal account hits about $20k (could be used for a vacation, car down payment, etc.), I’m going to start investing my monthly savings amount in an index fund– you could start planning now for something like that.
anon a mouse
Yes, it will be great to pay off your loans, and you can pay yourself going forward. Set up an auto-transfer to your investment fund for your SL monthly payment amount, since you’ve been living without it already.
Anon
I work in an area of law where I frequently see the income/assets of professionals, small business owners, etc. The community here that has 6+ months in a savings account plus healthy retirement and low debt is doing better than 99.9% of people out there!
OP
Thank you everyone for your comments and recommendations! I appreciate the wisdom of the Hive. For the watch supporters, it will be purchased :)
I fully appreciate that I am in a much better position than the vast majority of the country, and am grateful to even be in the position to be able to consider these things.
anon
I think of Friendsgiving as a time to bring funky, less traditional Thanksgiving dishes. So, what are your favorite Friendsgiving recipes? I am thinking of making some kind of pumpkin pasta or risotto, a fall-themed salad, and apple crumble.
anon
Mark Bittman’s braised turkey (plus the veggies and sausage you use in the braising liquid, which make a kind of non-traditional “dressing”).
Anonymous
We make the cranberry chutney from Splendid Table!
Shopaholic
If you’re looking for a risotto recipe, I made the butternut squash risotto recipe from Skinnytaste a few weeks ago and it was so good. tasted much more decadent than it actually was!
anon
Sweet potato casserole with a pecan/brown sugar crust. Also contains heavy cream and butter. It is so, so terrible for you and so very delicious. I look forward to it every year because it’s a delicacy, dammit.
anon
+100
Anon
Isn’t this a traditional dish? I agree that I love it so much, but I thought it was a traditional dish.
C2
Yum! Those sounds great. Check last Friday’s workwear report, I asked this question and got some great responses. I’ll be making Giada’s butternut squash lasagna recipe for sure.
JS
Butternut squash risotto, brie and cranberry bread, or candied yams!
Away luggage?
I’m considering asking for an Away Carry-On suitcase for Christmas. Can anyone speak to the quality for the price? I love the way they look, so alternative equally attractive recommendations are appreciated too. For reference, I travel about 20% of the time, so I’m definitely on the road a bit but am not a true road warrior.
Anon
I think the quality is good from a functionality standpoint, but mine got scuffed pretty quickly so if you care a lot about appearances it might not be the best choice.
Anonymous
Or just a darker color maybe?
I got a tan one back when they were having monograms just b/c a black wheelie that you have to gate-check is just too fungible not to vanish by accident. It showed a lot of scuffs early, but 2-3 years later hasn’t changed much since its first gate-check adventure.
If I got one now, I’d get the one with the external pocket. It is lightweight and seems not rock-solid when I load my 2-ton OG on top of it, but it’ has never given me any problems. I have the smallest one and it has worked for up to a 4-day work trip for me.
Anon
I have the navy one and the scuff marks are white, fwiw.
Anon
I have a dark gray tumi hard side and white scuff marks are the worst.
T
They suggest using a magic eraser on scuffs. My husband travels with one weekly (navy), loves it, and it’s in great shape/no scuffs. It’s never checked, though.
The original Scarlett
I love mine, I can get so much stuff pressed in there (I’ve gone for 2 weeks in it with a draconian packing strategy and a second carryon). It’s a great size for the average business trip, holds up, mine is at least 2-3 years old and going strong (I travel a lot). It does scuff as the other commenter mentioned, but I’ve not found that issue unique to this bag.
anon
I’ve had mine for a year. It’s sleek but im not convinced it’s anything additive to the suitcase space apart from outside sleek design. Inside… it’s really not anything unique.
The wheels and handle are pretty poor handling and wobbly. It does not have a strong feel to it. I guess that’s part of the calculus for a lightweight design.
I’m fairly happy w it- gets the job done, is a conversation piece i get asked about often. Would I buy it again today? Probably not, I’m nervous for the day a handle/wheel breaks while im catching a flight.
kk
The wobbliness in the handle is on purpose, supposedly. If things are too stiff and rigid, that’s when it breaks. I’ve had my away bag for 3+ years of heavy travel and haven’t had a problem.
Minnie Beebe
Jumping on to this to ask i anyone has purchased the new Away leather tote? It looks very nice, with some good travel-related features. (I have a Lo & Sons Seville, which I like but don’t love. But it’s on the heavy side, and the internal padding actually takes up so much space that I can’t actually fit that much in there– fine for day-to-day, but not excellent for a long flight.)
TIA!
Anon
I ordered and ended up sending it back. The handle was really flimsy and the wheels didn’t seem great. And I also realized that having a built-in battery pack was kinda dumb, since I would rather just carry around my external battery in my tote. I ended up going with a TravelPro instead and could not be happier. I’ve had it for about 4 years now, carried it all over the US and Europe, and it still looks new.
Anon
Buy a Briggs & Riley instead. You won’t be sorry.
Anon
I’d like to get my husband some nice new belts for Christmas. Probably black with silver hardare? One fore jeans and one for suits? He’s short and skinny, so probably nothing too chunky. Any recommendations?
Mrs. Jones
My husband likes his Mission belt.
Shopaholic
I got my dad a belt from Hugo Boss last year and it’s reversible (black on one side, brown on the other) so super versatile!
NOLA
Last week, I posted that VS PINK was having a sale on fleece and teddy. I ended up buying (with an extra discount) the sherpa funnel neck pullover in the blue tie dye and I love it. It’s cozy and yet light. It’s a lot boxier and shorter than the half zip so I could have sized down, but I’m happy with it. The color is perfect on me. I wore it to rehearsal the other night and one of my singing colleagues said that it looked like I was wearing a cloud, but in the best kind of way. I feel like I’m getting sick, so I really needed it!
anon
I bought the half-zip and LOVE it. Thanks for the rec! Glad you got a compliment :)
NOLA
The half-zip is a lot heavier. I have worn it on really cold nights. This one is so light and airy. Very comfy! And I love that it’s fleecy on the inside as well.
Anonymous
I am truly glad you got something you like, but want to mention that L Brands is not a company I think we should be supporting with our spending.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s helpful to be judgy like this. Cancel culture is very personal.
NOLA
I had stopped buying from them for a long time because I just didn’t like their products. I honestly don’t know about the ethical reasons why I shouldn’t spend there and there are relatively few companies that I boycott in that way (Chick Fil-A, Hobby Lobby, etc.)
anon
I had to look up what is problematic about L Brands. I assume it’s the company’s ties to Epstein. As I understand it, the CEO, Wexner, was once close to Epstein and put Epstein in charge of his foundation. He claims Epstein stole a bunch of money from the foundation, and Wexner cut ties 12 years ago. L Brands’ statement is that Epstein never served as a representative of the company.
I haven’t bought anything from VS in the last 10 years, or from Bath & Body Works in the last 20 years. But none of those facts would lead me to boycott L Brands. I guess cancel culture is very personal.
Anonymous
The relationship was significantly closer than you have described, and 12 years ago matches up to when Epstein was originally investigated. But I agree, cancel culture is very personal, and I don’t engage in it much of the time. Here, I am way too skeptical to give my money to a company substantially owned by Wexner, particularly one in the lingerie and fruity lady scents business. I also haven’t made any judgments of anyone else, or their choices, in my posts.
Anon
“L Brands is not a company I think we should be supporting with our spending.”
LOL. Because this is a collective, or something? Now we all need to agree on where we’re going to shop and make sure the place is Super Liberal Woke Lady-approved? If you don’t want to support L Brands, don’t. There is no “we” here.
Anon
+1. “A company I think we should be supporting with our spending.” Ha, no. I don’t need a lecture from you. We’re all adults here and can live with our own choices.
Anonymous
Right. Because this site never includes discussions about the morality of spending decisions. Boycotts exist based on social pressure and awareness created by the sharing of opinions. I shared mine. I did so largely because many people seem to be ignorant of the issues around this company’s CEO, as confirmed by the comments here. Now you can make your own decisions.
Anon
Chik Fil A has reportedly stopped giving money to anti-LGBT groups. If true, it’s definitely as a result of boycotts. Even if the boycott just brought enough attention to make the owners see the error of their ways and it wasn’t simply profit driven (doubtful) the boycott was still successful.
Anonymous
Anon at 1:31, they just backtracked on that decision after backlash from Republicans and evangelicals.
Worry About Yourself
I don’t mind those discussions of conscious consumerism and morality, but as we’ve seen in this thread, not everyone knows the issue with L brands, so it’s not fair to judge everyone for supporting them right out the gate. It might’ve been better if you started by reminding people why the brand is problematic right now, and why we may want to consider not supporting those stores, at least until there’s a major change in leadership.
I also try my best to be a conscious consumer, so I’m not a fan of people wagging their fingers at me for every little thing I’m still doing wrong in their eyes. I don’t know everything, I can’t know everything, and being even close to perfect is pretty dang hard! Give people the benefit of the doubt, educate rather than judge, offer alternatives when you can, and try to pick your battles.
Anon
2:27 do you have a source on that? I’m not finding it. I wanted to let my daughter know.
Anonymous
Anon at 4:18 here’s where I saw it: https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/11/19/chick-fil-a-backtracks-anti-lgbt-donations/ I also read the short Vice article they quoted.
Anon
When you’re so blindly conservative that you have to defend Jeffrey Epstein in order to own the libs.
Anon
I am a Liberal Woke Lady myself. I don’t spend money at certain places (Hobby Lobby, Chick Fil A) because I don’t like the politics of the owners or where they direct donations. I also don’t believe in telling other people they should do what I’m doing because if they don’t they are betraying women (or something – I never understand where those types of posts are coming from). Life is nuanced. People can believe in something you believe in without believing everything you believe in, and still be good people. I definitely don’t believe that everyone posting on this site has to have the same priorities, philosophies and beliefs, and anyone expressing a different opinion deserves to be snarkily put down or bullied. I realize you and your compatriot up there feel differently. Go watch the talk Obama gave about absolutism and cancel culture recently; there are good takeaways there.
Compatriot
I don’t “feel differently.” Either you aren’t reading or we speak a different language. There is nowhere in any of my posts in which I was “snarky” or “put down” or “bullied” anyone. I stridently agree that cancel culture isn’t to be adopted. I haven’t adopted most of it myself, including as to a lot of people routinely mentioned on this site as people to be canceled. A poster advertised a product. I simply countered with my opinion that people shouldn’t be giving money to that purveyor.
Anon
I agree with you. I’m often surprised when VS gets recommended around here, given the completely hostile attitude that their CEO has about a normal range of body sizes and plus sizes and the overly sexualized advertising.
Anonymous
A lot of brands have this problem.
Clementine
Looking for a new skincare regimen as I have just used up all my products.
Can somebody please just tell me what to buy from The Ordinary.
30’s, formerly acne prone skin now more combination/normal, some acne scarring I’d like to help out + wanting to not look tired/dull. I know I’m needing some chemical exfoliation.
Wise women, help me!!!
Anon
They will tell you! If you go to deciem’s Contact page – products and regimens – what products should I use. There’s a form you fill out and they’ll send you suggestions.
Notinstafamous
Omg me too. You’ve described me perfectly. I might just go to the store.
Anonymous
I love the peeling solution and use the niacinimide (sp?) serum at night, but am acne prone. Both are awesome.
Anon
The niacinide + zinc serum has been great for me– I was having similar problems with acne scarring from hormonal acne.
Anon
They have really good advice on their website about sample routines for different concerns. I honestly would go with that, because they know which ingredients can be layered without canceling each other out.
Anon
See example regimens on this page.
https://theordinary.com/regimenguide
Michelle
Watch Gothamista on YouTube! Also The Ordinary isn’t doing Black Friday and are having a sale that’s still going on, I believe. I ordered the Buffet + copper peptides (not tried), alpha arbutin, niacinimide + zinc (not tried), lactic acid, and granactive retinoid. I would say do a bit of googling on ingredients. For me Buffet seems like a great all-arounder so I’m looking forward to trying that, and I like having lactic acid and a retinol/retinol derivative in my routine.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a plastic surgeon (or maybe a dermatologist) for mole removal in NYC? I have several moles on my face that are bothering me. I have a ton of moles, but the ones I want removed are raised.
ElisaR
definitely go to a plastic surgeon and not a derm for removing anything on your face or neck.
Anonymous
Dr. Mark Schwartz – 212-737-9090. Did just that for me, and couldn’t recommend more highly!
Anonymous
I’m trying to diversify my shoe wardrobe. Currently, I have 1 navy, 1 nude, and several black shoes. I wear lots of black, white, olive, burgundy, and navy. I’m thinking a metallic grey would be good but open to other ideas. Maybe snakeskin?
pugsnbourbon
Definitely gray – it’ll go with everything. What about a gray snakeskin?
Panda Bear
Agree – I love a grey toned snakeskin shoe, they go with everything I own. I currently have sandals, flats, and heels in this pattern.
Anon
I get lots of wear out of earth-toned snakeskin and gray-toned snakeskin. Calf-hair leopard is good, too.
NOLA
I wear gray and pewter a lot. So versatile!
anon
Gray! I have pair of gray booties that probably need to be replaced but are so versatile that I can’t bear to toss them.
UHU
Except for the burgundy, all the others are neutrals so, I think you pretty much have carte blanche! And a burgundy would be nice to have too and could be lovely for a monochromatic look.
Anonymous
Red or orange would look nice with the navy and olive
nuqotw
Red, maybe in an earthy tone. They are surprisingly versatile and lots of fun. (Sadly, my red shoes are heels and I had to give up heels after kid 2.)
ceej
Burgundy! I love it with a burgundy top and black/navy/camel pants. If you were prints and have a few tops with a little burgundy, this works with that, too.
If you ever or often wear monotone or all solids, I’d say red or animal print. I LOVE an all black/ navy outfit with leopard shoes, or all navy/ camel with red shoes, etc. I think those also work with a solid white top and the rest navy/black/camel.
Senior Attorney
Pewter (metallic gray) for the win!!
Formerly Lilly
Metallic gray and snakeskin sound versatile and great! Shoes I have that I don’t think of as neutrals but which are very versatile are tortoise pattern (goes with everything) and blood red or burgundy (goes with most everything).
Senior Attorney
Actually my favorite shoes are pewter snakeskin! Goes with everything!
Anonymous
Tortoise would be pretty, or copper metallic.
Texan In Exile
Leopard print. Leopard goes with almost everything. (Only problem is that it is almost too popular now.)
Robin Sherbatsky
The cup holders in my car (’18 Crosstreck) are too big for my water bottles and coffee cups. I don’t know the name of the thing I’m looking for to make them smaller, but maybe someone here does?
anon
cup holder insert or adapter
Anon
Ah, that time of year when every blogger and instagrammer under the sun is putting out nonstop gift guides for things I’ll never want or need…
HSAL
I had like 5 in my feedly this morning. The worst are the ones who have never tried or seen the product, but go “here, this looks like a good thing for you.”
Anon
It’s easy to change who you follow. Blessedly, I haven’t seen any in my feeds.
anon
Gift guides are fascinating to me. They’re like an anthropological look into a culture that I truly don’t understand. My people are practical to the core; they would not be impressed with a $45 candle from a fancy store.
Anon
It’s just a way for them to make money by dropping lots of affiliate links. I guarantee you they don’t love or even own 90% of what they’re shilling.
Anon
+1. That’s why I wrote this complain-y post about it! It just annoys me to see people with normally great content shilling all this crap they definitely have never tried. It’s also a big f-you to the environment.
Anon
The Goop gift guide for this year makes for some hilarious reading. I am not a Goop fan; I subscribe to hate-read it. And in that regard it never disappoints.
pugsnbourbon
Yesssss.
Also Marie Kondo just opened an e-retail site? And there’s a $200 tea container?
Anon
Isn’t that like the opposite of her brand?
Nutritionist? COtoNY
Reposting because I posted too late yesterday…
Can anyone recommend a wonderful nutritionist? I’d prefer to be able to work with them virtually and I’d need someone who is not opposed to one of my main goals being weight loss (among other goals). Someone who is familiar with emotional reasons for unhealthy eating would be a huge plus. Thanks!
Housecounsel
I don’t have a rec, but you have raised a really interesting question. I listen to a lot of podcasts around emotional eating etc. and it seems like quite a few registered dieticians are becoming opposed to weight loss as a goal. Have you found the same? Also, I would make sure you are going with an registered dietician. I may be wrong about this, but can’t pretty much anyone call themselves a “nutritionist?”
NOLA
That’s really interesting. A friend of mine went to a “health coach” and I have no idea what that means. She wasn’t looking to lose weight, but she was always sick and always in pain (in her 30s). The health coach switched her to keto (she’s pescatarian), no sugar, no alcohol, no dairy, and she started doing yoga. She is like a changed person. Much healthier and leaner. That said, essentially, she was living on beer and food from a local Mexican restaurant because she works so much. She is cooking a lot more now.
COtoNY
Yes, the only recommendation for a dietician I received when I posted yesterday makes it very clear on her website that weight loss can not be one of your main goals. I obviously want to eat healthier and feel better/more energized, but I’m not going to pretend that weight loss is not a primary goal for me!
Anonymous
You want an RD, not just a nutritionist. I highly recommend Kristen Lorenz, who I have worked with before (she works remotely.)
https://kristenlorenznutrition.com/
Anon
Oh, I have worked with her too! She is fantastic.
Lobbyist
Stronger U. You meet with a coach and get an amount to eat each day of fat, protein and carbs. I have lost over 10 lbs and am keeping it off. Its all over email.
SF in House
A friend and I are going to Berlin between Christmas and New Year’s (will be there for NYE). Any recommendations? A perfect day for us would include a cultural activity (museum, church), walking, shopping — we love going to consignment stores and to stores that carry local designers, and a good meal. She is a pescatarian.
Lise
I went to Berlin in December about five years ago and loved it! I really enjoyed all the “big” Berlin museums but my absolute favorite cultural visits were much smaller – Haus Schwarzenberg and the Kathe Kollwitz Museum. I also enjoyed the women’s hamam at the Women’s Center at the Chocolate Factory. I just checked and two of my favorite food spots have since closed, but the third was Lokal, which was really great for dinner.
anon
A fun splurge would be a dinner in pitch black darkness, if you don’t have anxiety it’s an interesting sensory experience. It’s called unsichtBar.
Christmas Markets will still be open, at least a few. Around Hackescher Markt you’ll find shopping apart from chain-stores. Unless you are seriously lucky with the weather, walking around will be cold and grey, so prepare for that mentally.
Around NYE people go cray-cray with fireworks, how much you are affected depends a bit on where you stay in the city. There is usually a big NYE concert and firework in the center, but nobody I know has ever gone there. It’s just endless crowds and overpriced concessions etc.
Anon
My work email and my personal email both start with firstname.lastname@… Because of this, my boss frequently uses my personal email when he should be using my work email. It’s not an issue if he just emails me, but sometimes he cc’s me on a response to someone outside our office, and then that person has my personal email, and they start using that to communicate with me. I have to forward it to my work email, and then explain to them that my boss (an elected official) accidentally used my personal email, so could they please use my work email in the future. And now these people all have my personal email.
Two questions – how should I address this to my boss without sounding rude? Also, is there a better way to explain to outsiders that my boss used the wrong email?
HSAL
Instead of saying “my boss used the wrong email,” I’d just say “please use this email going forward.” And make your boss delete your personal email from his auto-complete.
HSAL
As an elected official, he should understand the implications of using personal email for government business, so it’s not rude at all.
Anonymous
Just tell him! This is such a non-issue.
Anon
“Hi, Boss, I don’t know if you know this, but you’ve been accidentally sending things to my personal email and not my work email. Would you be able to delete it from your auto-complete?”
potato
One angle to take here – does your job have a requirement to archive emails? If so you can talk about compliance when you discuss it with your boss and outside clients. I’d ask your boss to remove your personal email from his address book. It’s probably auto-completing and he doesn’t notice.
Robin Sherbatsky
My boss does this sometimes. I have told him, but it still happens. My personal email is gmail, so I set up rules/automatic filters that apply to any email from my employer’s domain that: 1) sends an autoreply saying please email me at [work email]; and 2) automatically forwards to my work email. The autoforward somehow preserves all recipients, so if I reply to the email from my work inbox, no one notices my personal email address on there. I also auto-filter all emails from my employer’s domain, and once a week make sure that anything in there I have also received at work (100% success rate, but I still check).
ElisaR
just wanted to say i love your user name :)
Coach Laura
That’s fabulous. I didn’t know gmail could do that.
Anonymous
If you use standard email programs (e.g., Outlook) find out HOW to delete an autofill email address before you talk to him about this. Once an email address has been used, my )(*&@ outlook version makes it nearly impossible to keep it from showing up again and again. (And these are not people I have in any contact list, so I can’t fix it there; it takes a combination of key strokes and steps to get this stuff to disappear.) And since it only shows me the person’s display name and not the actual address, I have no idea what address I’m sending things to. You boss might be in the same fix and may not be the kind of person to scour the internet to find the combination of key strokes to make these email addresses go away. Or, send him an IT person to do it for him.
Anon
I would assume that it was an error, he isn’t actually going to pay enough attention to not do it again, and that he doesn’t know how to delete email addresses from his auto-completes. So I’d offer to delete it for him.
I would say something along the lines of “I don’t know if you know this, but you have accidentally sent some emails to my personal email instead of my work email. Would you mind if I stopped by your office and deleted my personal email from your auto-completes?
Anon
This seems invasive and a bit demeaning. I wouldn’t want anyone rooting around on my computer, in my email, even with the person there watching. I’d ask him, leave him to his own devices to fix it, and if it happens again then *maybe* offer to delete it. But at least give him the chance to do a google search on his own first.
Anon
I guess this is a know your boss thing, but mine would never do the Google search and would be perfectly fine with me fixing it when he is watching. How is it any different then when making group revisions to a document, which I have done with basically every boss I have ever worked with.
anon
Isn’t the obvious happy medium to ask him to delete it and offer your assistance in doing so if that would be helpful?
Anonymous
Just ask him to delete your personal email from his contacts. I had this happen a few times because I started a new job last month. They have my personal email from the interview process. Not a big deal.
Anon
Seconding – just tell him! This is such a non-issue. He probably doesn’t even realize! Just don’t make it a big thing.
CHL
I have had this happen (had my employee’s personal email from the thank you note he sent me after an interview and it would autocorrect from my phone but not my computer outlook. ) I was glad to know it.
Anon OP
It is because of AUTOFILL!
Especially if he uses Microsoft Outlook.
He needs to delete from contacts and it wont pop up automatically any more when he starts typing your name.
– Signed, happened to me with my boss using Outlook
DC date night suggestions?
Any recommendations for a date night in DC? My husband and I are tired parents and have no idea what’s fun or cool anymore. Prefer an activity over a meal out. We live in the northern part of the city.
Anon
The theater! My Fair Lady at the Kennedy Center, Newsies at Arena Stage, Fiddler on the Roof at the National. And all the various Christmas programs – there are two Nutcracker ballets in town (Washington and Boston, I think?), A Christmas Carol at Ford’s.
If you want an unusual, grown-up dinner that tickles the taste buds and offers great wine, check out Supra. It offers Georgian cuisine – lots of veggies, cheese, and bread and it’s all delicious.
anon a mouse
I’d check out the holiday maze at Nationals Park! Or, the downtown holiday market starts tomorrow and can be fun to walk around. Or ice skating by the sculpture garden?
Julia
DH and I always enjoyed shows at Shakespeare Theater Co. It feels a bit more accessible/low-key than the Kennedy Center (and not all their shows are actually Shakespeare plays).
Anonymous
Zoo lights and drinks at a bar. It’s a fun walk, and a chance to connect.
anon
Follow up on yesterday’s question, I take group riding lessons once per week. I don’t know my riding instructor well and have no idea what his tastes are. What would be a good holiday gift? I was thinking a generic “my city” restaurant gift card that can be used at a bunch of places. Cash feels weird, but maybe he would prefer cash?
Anonymous
If you’re giving him something at all, cash in the amount of one lesson. You don’t need to do this.
Anon
Does he have his own horse? If so, I would consider something like a gift card for the trainer plus a small gift for the horse (ear bonnet, saddle pad, big bag of cookies, etc.). I’m the one who posted the question yesterday and now I’m stumped on what to get as a gift since tipping apparently isn’t a thing!
Is it Friday yet?
A bottle of wine if you know he drinks. A gift card to Dover, Smartpak, or a local tack store. When I worked at a barn, the nicest thing I got was a Patagonia half zip pullover. I also appreciated the L’Occitane hand cream one boarder gave me. Plenty of people gave nothing, so don’t necessarily feel obliged, especially if you’re only taking group lessons once a week.
As far as tipping, I give cash to the people that clean stalls, and presents to the barn owner/trainers.
CountC
My trainer is very particular about stuff, so I often do very luxurious consumables.
Anon
For group lessons, I really don’t think you need to do a gift.
YoungandDumb
I’m traveling for work to CO Springs in a few weeks, and am looking for input on a couple of things:
1. Is it a generally Uber-able area? I am not planning to do Pike’s Peak, Garden of the Gods, etc. because I won’t have time to do so. I’ll mainly be traveling between my hotel (looking to stay downtown) and the conference center (close to Peterson AFB as a reference point). I just hate driving and would rather not make everyone around me suffer!
2. Any familiarity with the Antlers Wyndham hotel? I’m also looking at the Mining Exchange (also Wyndham), but it takes an annoying justification to be approved.
3. Any general advice? I would love to do stuff in downtown that’s fairly walk-able and can be done after 5 PM. The performing arts center looks promising!
TIA!
Flats Only
Somewhat picky colleagues have stayed at the Mining Exchange and liked it.
Anon
This is my first black friday as a homeowner, and I’m wondering if there are home-related things I should be on the lookout for. Our condo is 12 years old and we anticipate needing to replace several appliances in the next 5 years, but everything is largely functional right now. Our washer and dryer are probably the first in line though for replacement. Is black friday the time to buy appliances? Also, for other home related things–furniture, linens, kitchen items, dishes, etc, is black friday a good time to replace these things that get tired? Electronics are known to be inferior for black friday sales, but are there quality items with these types of items, too?
Anon
It’s a good time to buy all of those. I got crazy high thread count sheets for the price of ordinary rough sheets last yr so yeah look out for linens, kitchen items. I think it’s the perfect time for appliances and electronics too but with these figure out what you want first and only buy if/when your exact model is on sale. I’d avoid buying just because a dishwasher is at a good price bc that’s how you end up with something you didn’t really want.
anon
I own a triplex and a single family home and have bought a LOT of appliances over the years. In my experience, a “big” sale rolls around pretty much every 3-day weekend and lasts a week or even two. Don’t buy before you need to–if your washing machine and dryer have a year of “life” left in them, you’re unlikely to save enough on Black Friday to make up for a year of use. That said, if you need or just want new appliances, Black Friday is a fine time to buy.
For other home related things, it’s good to keep an eye out on the Black Friday sales, but you’ll probably get better sales the day after Christmas.
Pep
I got my new dishwasher last year in a Black Friday sale.
Do your homework now to identify potential appliance models that work for you, so that you can act quickly if they’re in the sale.
anon
if you have a preferred store but aren’t ready to buy, look out for discounted gift cards. For home depot, I can often get 10% off with my CC rewards program, but maybe black friday has a 20% off option, that would be something.
Anonymous
Does anyone keep print photos of exes?
Anon
Not unless they are part of something else worth keeping photos of (e.g., a shot of the friend group plus SOs at a party). And I’m friends with most of the men I’ve dated, and they got along great with my husband.
Anon
God no. Why would you?
Anon
No, but I don’t have any photos of exes that are personally significant for other reasons (kids, travel, life milestones, etc.)
Anon
I dated a man who had a photo on his fridge of his family, with his then-GF sitting on his lap. She had been his most recent GF, they lived together, and they broke up about a month before I met him on a dating app. It was weird. I ended things for unrelated reasons, but I can’t say that this didn’t bother me.
I have photos of my ex because I share a child with him, but they are all put away. I also have some HS photos that include people I dated at the time, though I got rid of all the super”couply” photos. I do not have any printed photos of people I’ve dated as an adult, but I do have digital ones.
Anonymous
Yes. I’m surprised this seems to be unusual among commenters. I rarely get rid of any photos though. They’re all part of my history.
Anonymous
Yeah I def have some of these in boxes somewhere.
Anon
+1 I don’t have them on display or anything, but I definitely have all the photos from way back pre-digital of me and my exes. It’s a documentation of my life etc vs me pining over them or anything.
If you are of an age where you only started dating post digital photos, and any physical printed photo is in addition to the digital version that sits on your computer, that’s a different story. I just can’t see being organized enough or caring enough to going around purging those either though, assuming they aren’t out and framed or something.
Anon
Me too. I have photos of old boyfriends in the boxes with the other stuff I saved from high school and college.
Anon
Yes, same here. I have old wedding photos from my first marriage in a box with a bunch of other hard copy photos, and there may be a few other photos of ex bfs floating around somewhere. I look at it as a historical record of my life.
anon
Yes. So does DH. Frankly, since DH &I have known each other since college, its possible we have pictures of each other’s exes floating around.
anon
I would keep them put away, in a box. They’re part of my history. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a print photo away though–those are sacred but can be kept hidden.
Julia
Ha. My most recent ex was more than 10 years ago, so before phone photos were ubiquitous, so yeah. I have my prom picture, and probably some photos of my college boyfriend in some albums somewhere. But they’re not, like, on display…
anon
Some of them, yes, in old photo albums. Only the ones I have good memories of. The other exes’ photos were all destroyed/deleted.
Anon
Yep, in my college boxes in the basement along with newspaper clippings, that one paper I was super proud of, graduation tassle, etc.
Life with a newbie in a working-mom-friendly law office
I’m senior and have a mid-level associate. Both of us have kids (so: school break schedules, holidays = no child care, kids get sick and can’t drive themselves to the doctor or even to the orthodontist, etc.) and spouses who travel for work. I also travel about once a month for 2-5 days at a time. We could work 100% remotely, but usually come into the office during the day. We WFH each night as needed.
We have a newbie joining us post-graduation. I feel that what is working for us may make her feel under-guidanced or abandoned (pre-kids, I usually got home around 8 unless something was up). I feel like we’re not about to shift ourselves around to make sure that the new hire has post-4pm (yes: 4pm; beating the rush is key to making this all work) supervision, but I feel like we need to be intentional about how we manage someone who could feel sort of adrift or just lonely b/c how often no one else from the group is there late (although we’re generally interacting and reachable and responsive unless at the ER or the plane wifi is iffy).
This is the inverse of offices that aren’t working mom-friendly — how can we make sure that the non-mom-worker feels welcomed and included and part of a group?
Anon
I wouldn’t be so concerned with making her “feel part of the group” so much as ensuring that she has good guidance and an understanding of the workload. Some new hires might not see the work that is being done outside of the office and may think that you have much less on your plate than you do.
The key, I think, is to be available and responsive to her questions. When you email her at night, be clear as to what requires a response from her that evening and what requires a response from her in the morning. Schedule time with her every afternoon, or most afternoons, to touch base.
Anon
I worked for a partner like this. Things he could have done to make this better:
–have lunch together as a group occasionally.
–really try to come into the office on a regular basis. The guy I worked for would only come in when he really needed to, so it was hard for me to find time to talk with him because he often was on a deadline and trying to get something out.
— Let her know when you will be working from home and available and try to make this during normal business hours. I never knew when the guy I worked for was working from home or on vacation, etc., so I could not really get in touch with him if he wasn’t at the office. He also had a tendency to do a lot of work and send emails on Sundays and then not really later in the week. So I ended up working on Sundays and running low on work Thursday and Friday.
Anon
I think two things here
1) if you spend a lot of time with newbie while you are in the office – which should be almost every day until you get her up to speed- she may welcome the break when you leave at 4 or occasionally work from home all day or travel.
2) you shouldn’t expect newbie to work late nights if you’re not. So no staying till 8 routinely as a general expectation of how new people should behave. That’s unreasonable. If it’s good enough for you to be reachable and do a little work from home in the evenings if needed, it should be good enough for her.
3) you don’t have to have kids to value work life balance.
Anon
Ok that was three things.
And by the way I’m not a millennial. I’m probably older than you.
Anonymous
FWIW, I think that newbies in some fields should work as much as they can as soon as they start b/c that is how you learn (either by working or doing a lot of reading / watching PLIs). If you don’t do it when you start, you may not ever really advance as you should. It’s just a matter of how much you want to (further) invest in yourself and your career.
Last year we had a new person start who seemed to have 0 motivation to do anything more than any clearly-started minimum. I’ve never seen anything like it before.
Anon
I do not like this line of thinking. Get the job done. If you’re good at your job you will quickly see what else needs to be done and you will do it. This perception that being in the office for long hours to show what a go-getter you are is a really outdated notion and needs to change. We should be smart enough to measure productivity and output and contribution beyond butt-in-chair hours.
I feel like it’s a form of hazing. I had to do it, newbie, so you do too.
No. Let’s be smarter than that.
Anonymous
I will say that the new hires who were the most successful were the ones who really looked at the work that had to be done as the contribution that they made to their employer and all of the rest (networking events, community involvement, keeping up contacts, doing an article or client alert or speaking) as investing in their future selves. So they are different and serve different goals. Yes, if you do all of the work well, you will be a good first-year associate. But if you do the rest, you might be able to do more with your life down the road (one guy who does zoning had his own clients early and then ran for office because he just became the guy who connected with people and had contacts and ultimately had options). So associate-dom has a shelf life and if you don’t try on a post-associate lifestyle, you might be caught flat-footed. OTOH, it might let you really craft your own path forward (e.g., I am the expert on New Law that came out when I was a 3rd year and it’s my thing and speak on New Law and every amendment or significant case and have some clients of my own in this area, which has helped as I’ve avoided some of my firm’s weed-out review levels).
Anon
I agree with #1 and #3 wholeheartedly, but I disagree on #2 – my experience in law firms is that it’s very common for juniors to work longer hours and be in the office for many more hours per week than senior associates and partners. I read it as OP owns the firm and in that case she’s earned even more flexibility, I would think.
Anon
It’s a culture that needs to change. That is my point.
Anon
Let her have the same flexibility as you as long as she puts in her hours. If none of you are there, she doesn’t need to physically be there either and she can go bill from her couch in her PJs w/ her dog.
Anonymous
Actually, I’ve found that not to be true, especially as a junior. Often, someone is needed to field calls and attend to things b/c the people out of the office are unavailable (in meetings all day, on a plane) and can’t. I would be more concerned that someone alone in an office might not fully get this and that maybe one seasoned person is around/available so that newbie will fully get what is expected (i.e., some clients cannot be trusted with partner’s cell # and will become a menace).
Anon
I mean– I think you can tell her she needs to stay until 5:30 or 6– whenever you don’t need someone to take calls to the office anymore. Then she can go home and bill in her PJSs with dog for the rest of the night if she needs to do more work. She can also stay til 8 if she wants.
Anonymous
I think it’s two things — being available enough to assign work, supervise, train, and oversee. It’s just hard with a newbie — they know nothing about their job (no matter what they learned in school, it is 100% not the same). And it is doubly-hard to do remotely (travel, WFH, etc.).
And the other thing is making sure that you don’t telegraph “knocking off work at 4” when you walk out the door. Just like newbies shouldn’t take fashion cues from someone much senior to them, they shouldn’t try to mirror this. A senior person WFH (even if not on a reduced schedule, but especially if so) is very different from a junior person easing up because no one is on-site. So send e-mails at 8 or 9 or whenever, just like you would if in the office. Be clear re expectations.
Telco Lady JD
Um… You can answer your phone from your computer, no? Every firm I’ve worked at has phone software loaded into the computer that you can use with a headset. You can take calls from your couch just like you can from your desk….
Anon
Let’s be real, you won’t make her feel welcome. Mommies aren’t capable of that because KIDS.
Anonymous
Yeah, it’s definitely that and not your charming personality that is preventing people from making you feel welcome.
Anon
Heh. Nicely done.
Anon
lol what makes you think I don’t feel welcome? I avoid offices dominated by mommies and when I’m hiring, you better believe I take it into consideration which mommies make super easy since they must post photos of their snowflake all over social media.
Anonymous
So you discriminate against mothers in hiring? Wow. That’s absolutely reprehensible. And this is coming from someone who is childfree and never ever ever wants kids, and sometimes feels left out of conversations as one of the few non-mother and non-pregnant women at my firm.
Anon
You can dislike people who think that because they have achieved X milestone in life (motherhood, fatherhood, passing the bar, being married, etc.) that they can no longer associate with anyone who has not. I know those people and my life is richer when they are not in it.
But discriminating against women with children is disgusting.
Anon
Yep. I love it when people who are super-abrasive and generally unpleasant try to blame everyone else in the world for their problems.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, there’s the saying “If you meet an asshole one day, they’re an asshole. If all you meet are assholes, then you’re actually the asshole.”
Anon
Exactly.
A non-abrasive way to put this: “It can be really hard for childless or childfree people to ‘fit in’ with the office culture when everyone is a mom. It’s especially hard when it seems like they can’t leave ‘Mom’ at the door, have a tough time associating with people who are not mothers, or start looking down upon non-mothers. The best thing you can do to make her feel welcome as a non-mother is to change the mindset, and any cultural norms around your office, that make someone feel more or less welcome depending on whether or not they have had kids.”
Anonymous
Maybe schedule a regular check in around 3pm so she is guaranteed access to you to get any necessary direction before you leave for the day while still giving you time to clew up anything necessary before 4 pm.
One good use of time would be to make sure she has any revisions back that you have before you leave, so she can turn around a fresh draft in the 4-6pm timeframe and you can review again or send out etc after you log back in.
ceej
Before you leave each day, and especially if you won’t be in the office the next day, check in on expectations:
So, I think you are working on A, due tomorrow, B, should have that to me by 3 tomorrow, C, needs to be to the client by 10 AM Monday, and D, which is due later next week. Are there other projects you are working on? Do you have enough work to keep you busy over the next 2 days? If you have an issue that stalls you, please contact me and I’ll help you through it, you don’t have to wait for me to be in the office.
Because I work after kids go to bed, I might e-mail you at 8, 9 or 10 at night. I [do/don’t] expect you to respond.
The best way to get me a completed project is: [e-mail, hard copy on chair, send to the assistant, whatever].
My biggest problem as a newbie was that I would e-mail the partner the draft, but they were too far behind on e-mail to see it, and then they’d be annoyed it “wasn’t done.” Or, I’d bring them a copy and they’d lose it. Or, they’d want ONLY want hard copy, and then not be in the office for 4 days to see it.
Then, I’d be rolling on a project, get to a problem at 6 PM, they are not there, not responsive, so I’m stalled until they respond.
Anonymous
A huge +1 to making sure the newbie is aware of expectations around responding to emails sent at 8 pm or later.
Elle
I think part of the onboarding process is to talk about office norms.
Alanna of Trebond
I am late to this party, but one thing that my juniors who worked for mothers on the schedule that you describe have said is that the parents would leave work around 4/5pm, be with their child/do home stuff (and expect the junior to finish work in the interim), and then sign on again afterward and ALSO expect the junior to be available to field questions at the late hour. Sometimes at 12am or whenever that second work cycle ended, the junior would also need to turn comments by the following morning. I think this schedule could be used occasionally, but it was not sustainable on a regular basis.
CHL
I work in the U.S. and supervise someone that lives in Ireland. Any suggestions for a holiday gift that I could easily ship directly to Ireland that you would like to receive from your boss. Thinking around $30.
Anonymous
Butler’s chocolates. Order online & I believe they’re located in Ireland so easy shipping there.
Julia
Do they have local florists there? If so, maybe a holiday plant from a local florist.
anon
amazon.co.uk works with your normal login and ships to Ireland (free above 10 British pounds), so the possibilities are endless.
Anon
In a work setting how much do you care – if at all – if a coworker says, they don’t recognize your kid/remember his name even though they’ve seen him a few times? I was just a bystander here – not the parent or the person who announced, oh yeah I know I’ve seen your toddler but don’t remember him at all. While I personally don’t think the coworker said anything bad, the mom was taken aback as were a few other parents in the group. FWIW – it’s a 30 person group, we do hang out/get lunch, some people hang out outside of work so it’s a reasonably tight group though not one that’s together all the time.
Anon
It would annoy me, but I wouldn’t say anything about it.
Anon
Why is it annoying?
Z
I am personally very bad at names. Unless I’m Facebook friends with you and you post pictures of your kid all the time with their name, I probably won’t remember their name.
Anon
Saying “I don’t remember your kid at all” is a lot ruder than just not remembering the name.
Anon
This. Unless you’re close friends with a coworker, you’re not expected to remember whether that was Braden or Jaden she brought into the office 6 months ago. But saying – who is that kid, oh right totally forgot you had a kid – type of stuff can be taken badly if you’re the type of coworkers who interact, she mentions her child etc.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t think it’s the concept but the statement that’s the problem here. That smacks of “no filter between brain and mouth” to me. I don’t care whether people remember my kid or not, but I would be surprised if I heard that statement – more because to me, that’s something to think and not say.
wearwolf
There is a difference between not recognizing a child and announcing it with pride. I don’t get offended at the former (I’m terrible names/faces) but would be bothered by the latter. I wonder if the co-worker was trying to make a joke of his/her forgetfulness and it came out badly.
rosie
Not at all. But also, how is this coming up? I am having trouble thinking of a situation where a coworker would tell me that they don’t recognize my kid or remember their name and it not being weird. Like, is this coworker looking at kid pictures on the desk and asking who it is? Can’t the coworker figure out whatever details they need to know (which are not many) from context?
Anon
Talking about a place and seeing a picture of a random kid at said place (no one knows that kid it was an ad). Coworker said — oh I didn’t know the place had y activity. Mom coworker pulls out her phone and goes — yeah let me show you a picture of Braden at that same place and as she’s pulling it out, coworker goes — oh I don’t remember Braden at all even though I’ve met him. Braden’s mom looked uncomfortable as she talks about his A LOT and even other coworkers sensing that discomfort were like “I wouldn’t announce that . . . .” This isn’t a person who is awkward at all — I think the poster is below, she was trying to make a negative point.
Anonymous
If someone pulled out their phone and showed me a picture of a child that’s about the age of their kid, I would assume it’s their kid. If they corrected me, I would feel awkward and apologetic and I can see myself blurting out something like, oh sorry I know I met him before but I didn’t remember what he looked like. I would hope that my coworkers would forgive the awkwardness and just move on.
Anon
yeah, that’s just weird. Frankly, you do remember him because you remember that you have met him. So what is the co-worker trying to say? That she doesn’t remember his name? That she can’t be bothered to remember his name? Why announce that, when it is clear from context that Braden is Mom co-worker’s kid.
Flats Only
DH and I are child free. To be honest, kids don’t make much of an impression on us. My co-workers have all brought their kids in from time to time. They range in age from 12 down to 1 year old. I remember seeing them before, but could not pick them out of a crowd if we were not in office, and had to write all the names down on a sticky note so I can remind myself of them when the kids appear. In some cases I have trouble remembering if “Suzy” is the daughter or the dog the person talks about. At home, DH and I keep a spreadsheet listing our friends and more distant relatives kids names and birth month/year so we can remind our selves when we know we’ll see those kids or friends/relatives. Obviously, we expend some effort in appearing like we remember/care about your kids, vs. telling you to your face that we don’t remember them!
Anon
I’m always incredibly impressed when coworkers do remember my kid’s name. I literally save “welcome to the world” emails in a special folder so I can quickly reference age and sex of their kids when I know I have a meeting with them. But the wording above seems very odd, like they were trying to make a (negative) point.
Julia
I mean, it’s sort of a weird/unnecessary thing to announce, but no it absolutely wouldn’t annoy me. I’ve brought my kids to take-your-kid-to-work-day, so they’ve met my coworkers a few times, plus there are pictures of them in my office. I fully expect that none of my coworkers remember what they look like or would recognize them out of context. So what?
Anonymous
I have three kids and I would be weirded out if like 30 of my colleagues remembered this names. The co-workers who have similar aged kids or nieces/nephews that I usually swamp kid related stories with? I would probably expect them to remember the names but even then would not be offended if they forgot.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t think anything of it. I assume no one remembers those details so I actively fill them in for people if I’m talking about my family.
Anon
Favorite laptop bag/purse duos? I want something that looks mostly like a purse but with room for a full size laptop. I love the look of leather, and am willing to settle for faux. I saw a few at Marshalls yesterday that would’ve technically worked but they didn’t have top closures, and I don’t like the idea of anyone being able to just reach down (or look) into my purse without any kind of deterrent. Any recommendations?
Anon
This one is super gorgeous
https://www.cuyana.com/work-satchel.html
They also have a cheaper bag called the zippered satchel but I don’t know how big of a laptop it will fit.