Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Hilary Ruched-Detail Boat-Neck Midi Dress
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
When I moved into a more casual office a few years ago, my work wardrobe slowly moved away from dresses and blazers to trousers and sweaters. That being said, the draping on this ruched dress from Reiss is just stunning, and I might need it in my closet immediately. As a person who is not a 5’10” model, I appreciate that the skirt doesn’t have the ruching or draping details, so it will make it easy for my tailor to bring it up a few inches for me.
I would probably keep this one in my closet for the days when I’m heading right from work to some kind of networking or fundraising event.
The dress is $398 at Reiss and comes in sizes 0-14 and 0P-14P.
Oooh this dress is beautiful!
How does their sizing run?
They accommodate my hips surprisingly well.
Small!
+1 for small. Imagine you’re in the 80s…that’s their sizing. Fits beautifully for a sporty/athletic physique in my experience.
Athletic as in tiny waist or athletic as in straight up and down?
I was thinking how the fold design probably looks better over straight up and down shapes compared to curvy ones.
I am not particularly straight up and down – I used to wear curvy cuts in Ann Taylor pants for example – but Reiss is still flattering on me. They cut their clothes well
As in lumps and bumps aren’t accommodated.
I agree with the others – the sizing itself is not vanity sized, so you may be a “bigger” size than what you are used to. I am often a 0 in US brand vanity sizes and I go between a US 2 (UK 6) and US 4 (UK 8) at Reiss. But the clothing is cut well and I find that it accommodates my hips properly. I buy all of my suits from Reiss – they are lined and the fabric is good, substantial quality.
Anyone have a foolproof curling iron that would be appropriate for a tween who’s just learning to style her long hair? Are those self-twirling ones any good or am I just inviting the smell of singed hair?
The ‘CHI Spin N Curl’ is truly foolproof, you just use smallish sections and it does all the work for you and then releases when the curl is done. If you have the budget though, I’d look at one of the Shark devices, those are supposed to be great dupes of the Dyson and will likely stand up to more abuse/use.
I love my Shark multi-styler curler attachments, but I wouldn’t call them foolproof. It can sometimes be tricky to get the hair to “grab” around the attachment, especially if you have layers. If your tween is not used to sectioning hair for styling, I would start with an auto-curler or auto-beach waver.
I love my Shark but the smoothing tool attachment gets way too hot for my hair (legit burns it). I’d go with something less robust for OP’s use case.
AirWrap has been the only one I can use which kinda runs itself. It’s been a game changer.
Scar advice – slipped and fell this weekend; cut my face and got stitches right in the browline. Have been using vaseline as recommended by ER doc, but are there other tips and tricks to help it heal with as little scarring as possible? Appreciate any tips!
Hydrocollodial bandages (pimple patch material). You can get larger sheets at medical supply store and cut them down to size.
Mederma
Bio oil. My kid had prominent facial stitches after a playground accident. We used bio oil on it day and night for several months. The scar is nearly invisible, only faintly apparent when summer tan kicks in. That was about 8 years ago, FWIW.
I had a mole removed from my face a few years ago and the doc recommended silicon gel. It’s expensive, I think $35 for a little tube -you can get it on Amazon), but it worked amazingly -you couldn’t see it without really looking after just a few months. A few years later had cosmetic surgery and the plastic surgeon also recommended it, and it worked well.
On a recommendation from here, I used Biocorneum on a biopsy scar last year and this year’s mammogram person was confused that there was no scar. I can see it, it is very faint, but I think that’s a great result. It is $$$ but was in an area I cared about (vs a knee, which is a hot mess of scars).
I don’t know if it was my comment but I recommend biocorneum here a lot, so happy to hear a success story!
I had surgery leaving a large browline scar last December, and used Biocorneum religiously for something like four months. Eight months after surgery, the scar is barely noticeable. Totally worth the money and a little goes a long way.
Scar sheets at night and scar cream. If it puffs, see a derm. They can inject a steroid that will keep it from keloid development.
Regardless of what oil/ointment you use, once the scar has started to form, rub it gently multiple times a day. That helps break up the scar tissue and will minimize the appearance. Do it even after it feels all healed – it can take months for the final appearance to settle.
Do it for up to a year after.
The common denominator to these product recommendations is keeping the wound moist during healing. That’s the key to minimizing scar formation: clean, moist, covered. A silicone product will be less shiny than petroleum jelly or oil products but may not matter if you’re keeping a bandage over the wound. Scar massage only after the skin has fully healed.
And this is rarely mentioned, but good diet is important for wound healing. Hydrate, lots of protein, and a multivitamin with with A, C and E vitamins with a bit of Zinc can really help.
In addition to the recommendations below, make sure you sunscreen it really well since sun exposure can cause it to last longer and be more noticeable.
Biocorneum absolutely. Or silicon strips. It’s made a huge difference on my facial scar that had already become visible.
My surgeon recommended shaving the area regularly. At least, he commented that if I were a man the scar on my lip would be less visible because shaving would make it disappear. Apparently, the razor takes away a small layer of skin with each pass. It’s like ultra-slow microdermabrasion. He also recommended massage to prevent scar tissue from forming, but that’s probably later in the healing process.
My law firm has nominated me to serve on the managing partner committee. (Three lawyers, rotating 5-8 year terms depending on if you are elected chair your last year.) The pay is abysmal, it’s seen as part-time firm service more than making up for billable hours lost. I am looking for outside perspectives on what this role can be like. I know every firm is very different, but I think I’m getting the pitch (roses) version and I’d like to know the downsides/reality – only thorn I’m hearing about is time, and I don’t think that can be true.
aside from the literal time involved, the interpersonal stress of dealing with partners fighting over billing credit etc.
What kind of book do you have? This often takes you away from the active practice and makes you less portable. I have a number of friends who’ve turned this down because of the probable loss of their book.
FWIW we have a 4-person committee out of 20-25 partners, and one of those is the managing partner. The MP is the only person who loses substantial billable time to the MC, IME. The rest of the committee is a 2-4 hour a month commitment.
I also don’t find it to be stressful – for me I like to shape firm policy if I can (increasing our parental leave, etc.) and learn about the intra-firm stuff that’s going on.
Does this committee have a major role in determining compensation?
Congrats! It’s a big honor. The upsides of doing it is largely business development. If you take the position, be sure to make the most of it by touting the new title.
The downside is that it is a thankless time suck. Routine meetings are unreasonably long. Comp meetings last for days and very contentious; some partners see it as their opportunity to filibuster their way into getting the comp they want for their favorites because they just wear down everyone else. You are the bad guy to everyone – you’re the one who reminds people to get their time in and their bills out and why haven’t you talked to that client with the big AR and all the annoying BS that comes with the practice. You will hear complaints from everyone, including complaints about personality issues. There may be a spoken or unspoken travel expectation depending on firm size.
I took on this role at a 50-attorney firm recently and can confirm all of this (except the travel since we’re just one office). I like it because it has enabled me to scale my actual practice back a bit, which has resulted in more schedule consistency. I’d be really interested in knowing how much others are compensated for this, as I imagine it varies wildly. I get approximately $60K/year. My other draw obviously changes year to year – this year it was about $400K, will maybe be $500K with pay out at end of year depending on how we do. I think I’m underpaid for the MP work; we’ve had some discussions about raising it but I haven’t had an opportunity to really think through what amount makes sense to me.
This looks almost identical to a machine washable ponte knit dress from Target that I wore the heck out of in the aughts. Would have expected natural fiber at this price point.
if a synthetic fabric means easy care (as in, wash on delicate and hang dry) I don’t mind, given the beautiful structure here. Here, it’s still dry clean only. No thanks!
Garden question. If your yard is a combo of red clay dirt, a few plants, and copious weeds, like a jungle of low weeds and vines that are a tripping hazard, where do you even start to clean it up? I can’t just throw grass seed out (especially in a drought) and I think that the weeds will overtake any new plantings. Start with a weed walker? Or weed pulling? Or Agent Orange (kidding, sort of)? I want this to be better by late spring next year and feel that I hear that fall is when you can make progress. Back yard gets a lot of shade from two giant older trees that I’ve verified are in good shape.
Lowest bang for buck imo is chop is all down and then weed whacker or mow the area regularly. Weeds cut to a consistent 3″ look a lot better and at least you can walk through it.
No chemicals – you want your soil to be ready for new plants, not toxic! This is time for a family project with long sleeves, pants, socks, gloves, etc. Some pairs of pruning shears can help you avoid having to unsnarl things – just chop them back until they are a manageable size for pulling. Then handheld weeder tools can spare you a lot of pain with the root systems.
You will likely want to add topsoil of some kind before planting – would suggest your local garden center (like, a real one, not Home Depot) for advice in your climate and soil.
+1 to all of this but also you may want to ask your neighbors if there are gardeners they’d recommend. I physically can’t pull a yard full of weeds so I’d need to hire this out.
I’ve also heard that putting down cardboard in the fall, wetting it, and then putting mulch over top acts as a greener weed barrier:
https://gardenandgun.com/why-my-new-favorite-weapon-against-weeds-is-a-cardboard-box
Haha, this is my yard. Every spring I tackle the invasives like the Japanese stilt grass and rose multiflora (however that’s spelled$ and hope that the pollinators take over the space. It looks like heck, but we get a lot of humming birds and bees, so doing something right. We also don’t use weed killer for this reason. Just do it by hand and let the pollinators run rampant.
We had a rubble and clay filled garden and found green manures for a year or two – and just cutting back and digging it in – really helped revive the soil.
Rent goats to clean it up, then mulch with cardboard/newspaper (this will kill the weed seeds that are left in the soil layer) and a layer of compost on top, throw out grass seed, another thin layer of compost on top of the grass seed.
This is the path I would take. Although I would opt to seed with a native groundcover rather than grass so it is lower maintenance in the long term.
Yep, this! You have to smother the weed field. Cover the area with at least 1 layer of cardboard, top with 3” soil/compost where you intend to plant and wood chips where you don’t. Then you need to be vigilant about pulling any new weeds while your grass or other plantings grow in. Also since you mention the trees, assess whether grass is going to be the right choice. If it won’t thrive in your yard, you’ll be back in weed land before long. Might need to explore other types of landscaping, with annual mulching in between plants.
Figure out where you want landscaped beds vs. lawn. In the beds, mow it down as short as possible, lay down sheets of cardboard, soak the cardboard and cover it with mulch. You are going to need a truckload of mulch; look into bulk delivery. Then just let them sit like that all winter. In the spring, make little holes in whatever is left of your mulch, plant and re-mulch. Commit to hand-weeding throughout the first year. You’ll make a dent, but keep the mulch on. I don’t really know about lawns, but a good broadleaf weed killer and a pre-emerge in the spring, followed by seed, is where I would start. If the seed is going to take, you have to give it a head start by killing broadleaf weeds first. Also, don’t try to grow grass under your giant trees.
A big question is what kind of weeds you have… if you have bindweed or knotweed you’re going to need to be aggressive, like tarping the entire area. this will kill absolutely everything (look up occultation or solarization). (This summer.) Then in 2027 I’d plan for maybe a year of quick-growing cover crops — they won’t be pretty but they’ll suppress new weeds, help the soil recover some life, help with soil structure like aeration, etc. Then after that I’d either get a quick-growing eco lawn and call it a day (they’re like 6-8″ tall so you don’t have to mow)
If you wanted to go with native flowers and shrubs I’d start doing some research now on shrubs you like; look for a nursery through WildOnes.org. I’d go with established plants because it can take 3-5 years to really establish and you need something to compete with the weeds. For flowers you could in theory wintersow them thsi coming winter (January 2027) and be able to plant them by Fall 27, but they’ll still take time to get established.
If you want to ignore all this and just want pretty flowers drive around your neighborhood and see what things seem to be doing well with your neighbors.
Another vote for the cardboard and mulch option. You’ll want 3-6 inches of mulch on top of the cardboard to keep it down. I had to use a few bricks here and there to keep the edges of the cardboard down. If your whole yard is a disaster, you might consider free bulk woodchips (look up ChipDrop). But I’ve had lots of luck with cardboard and mulch for large sections, like 20 ft by 6 ft. We used the cardboard and woodchips for a 30 ft by 30 ft section where we were planning to put in semi-raised beds.
Don’t till – it will free all the dormant weed seeds and they’ll sprout! And don’t use herbicide – it will damage your healthy trees.
Controversial opinion, but it’s not worth it to try and make a lawn work for most people, especially with that soil. Unless you need lawn for yard games or a dog or something, I’d just put down cardboard and mulch, put in holes for the plants you want. Bonus points for native plants – they’ll likely tolerate your soil without too much work amending it. Cottage garden vibe, nice wood chip walking path, shadier. The weeds that make it through are less offensive/out of place looking.
The happiest native plant under my trees is poison ivy.
I feel you. The native plants that seem to thrive in my area regardless of drought, flood, heat wave, freeze, or wind are poison ivy, kudzu, and Virginia creeper. Honorable mention goes to ragweed.
kudzu’s not native to North America! It’s from Asia and was promoted in the 1940s as a way to fix soil erosion, especially along the banks of railroad tracks. And then it ate the South.
(But I feel you on the poison ivy. I spent a ton of time one Fall hand pulling Japanese stiltgrass, only for it to be replaced in the Spring by poison ivy. Not really the native I was hoping for)
If you want a lawn, you are going to have to kill the weeds down to the roots, then put down topsoil and install irrigation. Grass will not grow in clay but weeds will, and a new lawn requires watering multiple times a day.
We have given up and just mow the weeds to lawn height.
Sheet mulching (as everyone else said) is much easier for weeds. You can just put topsoil on top of the sheet mulch and start seeds early next spring. Flowers like zinnias will easily grow from seed. You can also start smaller plants without deep roots without having to cut the holes in the cardboard first. Coneflowers, foxglove, snapdragons, etc will all do well from early spring plantings (after your last frost).
I’m in the south with clay underneath, but good topsoil. Where you need to really plan is shrubs like hydrangeas and your shade/sun path. Also allow for the fact that everything will expand in 3 years. You’re not going to get full coverage in year 1.
Oh you sweet summer child. This is not a one and done. Weeds last a lifetime. Probably more than one lifetime.
First you have to figure out what plants you have. Different weeds require different solutions. I have wineberry and oriental bittersweet, which are vines that send out roots far and wide. Short of excavating (by hand, to not damage tree roots) those areas, you just have to keep on top of it year after year. Even the really good chemicals don’t kill all the roots.
Second you determine what time of year is best to attack which weed. It will be a nearly year round thing, so you want to pace yourself and focus your efforts where they’re most effective. My garlic mustard starts in the early spring, you have to pull that before it flowers so it won’t spread. And you have to pull it by hand so you get the roots, don’t just weed wack it or take the flamethrower to it or you’ll just spread it around.
Third you want to figure out how to destroy your enemies. They are zombies, they will come back. Be prepared that complete eradication isn’t the goal. Some things are easiest to just burn because it will reseed one way or another, like grass between flag stones. Some things, not even fire can cleanse.
Finally you figure out how to dispose of the fallen. Something like spurge dies quickly and is fine to just throw on the driveway and let the sun bake it. But some stuff can’t be mulched with other yard waste. Be sure to dispose of it properly.
I have a shed in my backyard (Midwest town, huge yards). I’ve lived here two years and learned I absolutely hate yard work. The neighbor’s high school kid mows my yard. I basically ignore everything else. I was in the backyard this weekend after I noticed and went to pull a tall thistle near the fence, and much to my shock, the area behind/around the shed is overgrown…several tree-like plantings/bushes have sprouted, huge weeds, etc. I had a lawn company come two years ago to help with two flower beds, they quoted me $250 and charged me $700. I don’t need it to look nice, I just want this stuff gone. A friend suggested TaskRabbits. Any experience with that company?
Taskrabbit is like Uber – it’s not a garden company, but a generic platform where you can hire an independent contractor for a one off job. If you had anyone personally recommended, like by a neighbor, I’d go with that. But task rabbit is a reasonable option as long as you pay fairly and don’t expect miracles.
I use them for things like furniture assembly, bartending, and occasionally I used them in the yard. But they aren’t cheaper than what you were quoted and paid, it’s individuals doing gig work who set their rates and you get what you pay for.
I’ve had mixed experience with TaskRabbit! They are all independent and can hold themselves out as experts in just about anything. I hired a woman to put together some Ikea furniture and she was amazing. I hired someone else to install a microwave and had to call him back 15 minutes after he left because it was falling off the wall.
If you’re not looking for anything too technical and are willing to keep an eye on them, this might be a good job for a TaskRabbit, but I would just be cautious. Definitely make sure they have lots of reviews for yard work, not just general reviews.
Buy a good pair of loppers and chop it all down, then ask the HS kid to keep that section mowed, too. Pay more since it will take longer to mow more area.
You’re going to need equipment to tackle saplings, which I assume you don’t have. So in this case, you need to hire a lawn company or someone on TaskRabbit that owns a brush mower. It’s going to cost hundreds of dollars because they have to bring the machine out to your site on flatbed trailer in order to do the work.
taskrabbits aren’t going to help here because a) they won’t know a plant from a weed, and b) if the weeds are taking over (especially thistle) you need a better plan with how to deal with them going forward, ideally by planting something native that will choke out the weeds or at least something low maintenance that chokes out the weeds.
No idea if you want to DIY it. You can if you have somewhere where the debris to go. You will need good gloves, loppers, stump killer, and depending on the girth of the saplings possibly a rechargeable mini chainsaw (aka electric pruning saw). I bought one of these a couple of years ago and only regret not doing it sooner. I hire help for big yard chores always, and sometimes for medium and small ones when I just don’t have the time or the will to do it myself.
https://www.walmart.com/ip/17170973462?sid=52C4F5DD-E5A8-4EE4-9D89-FEE659A59A0B
It’s just going to come right back, though.
NYC Divorce Court process question – I’ll start by saying this is for a friend who is both ‘a lot’ and feels like her attorney is not doing a good job… I am the friend at a distance who is being supportive but also the voice of reason. Adding to this, friend’s ex is making some irrational demands and has a wealthy benefactor paying legal fees.
In NYC specifically, it’s a ‘mediation first’ process, correct? So both parties file/respond and then are sent to mediation unless there’s a concern for underlying abuse or other rationale it’s not acceptable. If mediation fails, then it goes back to the court, correct?
Simply put – how involved are attorneys generally from the beginning in this mediation first environment? Is the first round of paperwork fairly basic but actual details are only if Mediation fails? Or is it expected that the full documentation/claims are all included in the first round filings?
My eternal divorce advice, as a lawyer who has been divorced: always get a second opinion before signing in for an attorney. (Asterisk: if there are good reasons to not, such as price sensitivity or things are amicable and easy.)
This is particularly true if she’s questioning her attorney’s advice and strategy. She will either hear the same thing again from someone else, which will help her trust the process, or she will find a lawyer better suited to her needs.
Thing is, even in family law, lawyers have different strengths and weaknesses. Some are wizards at turning the temperature down and getting people to the table so that a deal can get done without draining all of the assets. Some are great at complex financial arrangements. Some are well-attuned to abuse and coercion dynamics. Her attorney may just not have the sub-speciality that she needs for this particular situation.
Thank you, this mirrors what I actually suggested. I know cost is an issue for her and I am not in a place where I can like – offer to pay for a different attorney. My read is something that should be a pretty straightforward divorce (think – minimal assets, looking for 50/50 custody, no violence or ultimatums or anything) has now turned into a wild ride where the ex is getting an attorney to file paperwork to treat a 2018 Honda Civic like an heirloom Rolls Royce and this attorney isn’t attacking with the same ‘pitbull’ vigor.
Honestly I’d just cave and be done. Fighting prolongs things and the sooner she gets it over, the sooner she moves on.
Pay for a second opinion consult, which will be about $400.
I’m dealing with burnout and finally told my close girlfriends this weekend how bad I’m feeling about my career. I love them, I really do, but they all either work part time or are SAHMs. There is no easy way to say, actually I make 40% of my family’s household income and hold our benefits, so it’s not as easy as “just” changing jobs, and also I would LOVE to work part time but my husband would never be okay with that. It is hard to explain the stuck feeling to people who aren’t going through it, too.
Feel free to vent here. Similarly, I am working at a company where 60 hrs/wk is seen as part time and I’m so tired. I also make 80% of our HHI and have amazing benefits so I’m white knuckling it until my husband can ramp up in a new role. I’ve also got a mostly SAHM friend group so it’s not where I go for working mom commiseration.
There are a few networking groups in my field and I’ve had good luck connecting with other women also dealing with working while having kids/health issues/eldercare issues. I’ve felt 60% less crazy after a few vent sessions with those folks.
When you say your husband would ‘never be okay’ with that do you mean simply financially or on some weird principle?
Not OP, but my husband would never be ok with it on principle. His mom raised two kids very much on her own while working full time and she’s his hero. In his mind, there is no excuse for me not to work if I can. I’m fine with this.
Honestly I feel this way for both parts of any couple. Until we retire, I’d never be okay with my husband scaling back either.
Food for thought: my spouse is not employed but handles 95% of the household management. Everything to do with home maintenance, repairs and cleaning, all of the cooking, shopping and errands, car repairs and maintenance, not to mention taking point with our college kid’s needs. It is glorious and frees me up to focus on my career, which provides our health insurance as well as our income.
Some days I wish I was not the sole breadwinner but it really is quite nice to have a full time homemaker who isn’t me.
Yeah, definitely one of those opinions that isn’t wrong but wouldn’t work for me. My ideal is a full-time working parent and a part-time working parent, assuming kids. If we had health insurance that wasn’t tied to careers in the US, my ideal might even be 2 part-time parents, if the finances worked out. I don’t understand why people would put themselves through the difficulty of raising kids with both parents working full time if they didn’t financially have to.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that health care should not be allowed to be a job benefit. If health insurance must exist, we should all have to get it on the open market, and then we’d be free to rely on part time work if we can otherwise afford it. Our current structure forces us into specific types of work and I’m kind of tired of it.
I do all that stuff and work. I’d never be ok with a stay at home partner.
Good for you, I guess? We don’t find value in burning the candle at both ends and are happy with the balance we have struck.
I hate being a working mom, but I have had to put up with it as a risk management strategy.
I think this way of thinking is overly rigid and doesn’t reflect the reality that careers are long and can surprise you – especially right now with AI upending even the more traditionally stable careers. I “scaled back” after a lay-off a couple years ago, essentially becoming a SAHM with a very part-time side business. I now easily outearn my former office job salary and I may very well outearn my husband within the next year or two. Obviously there’s been a element of luck and my income is far less certain than his, but so far it’s been a net financial benefit to our family that we took that risk (in addition to all the non-financial benefits of having a part-time parent at home).
+1
A lot of people don’t want to be pushed into the position of being the breadwinner.
My husband had a mom who worked, and he was not open to me being a stay at home mom, even though that was my preference early on in our relationship. It was (is) disappointing, but maybe it’s working out for the best. I do envy women who have a simpler life and don’t have to juggle so many high-pressure responsibilities, but I also think it must get boring.
Does your husband take on an even 50% of the household labor?
Most husbands do.
OP here, and yes. Took us some time to get here, but I feel very confident in saying that we are both pulling our weight.
Mine thinks he does, but it’s probably more like 60=me and 40=him. And that’s really only because he does the cooking. It’s a more equal split than most of my married friends but I’m still the default parent. It doesn’t help that he tolerates way more mess and disorganization than I can stand, so I’m the “mean one” who enforces chores and putting shoes in your room and so on and so forth.
I’ve never met a husband who actually pulls his weight. My friends are adamant their husbands do though
Yes, Anonymous. We know.
My husband would also “not be okay” with me staying home. But then again, I make the most money, hold our benefits, and still do the majority of kid stuff and housework. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to loose that sweet arrangement he’s found himself in.
This
Not OK with it on principle. I both agree/don’t agree.
I’m sorry—some people will just never get it. Being able to change jobs at will is a financial luxury and there’s no guarantee that the outcome will be better.
Sorry, I’ve been there, but sometimes the answer IS to change jobs, even if you are a mom and have a lot on your plate. The job you’re in has so much influence over your life. You can’t always cope/positive think your way through it. Sometimes the job has to get so bad that you simply have to plow forward toward another one–it lights a fire under you to make a change. That’s what happened to me. I was at my job for 10 years and only left when our department went from 14 people down to 2 due to cost cutting and was a true disaster. I stayed at my job and seriously job searched for six months and turned down offers that weren’t a good fit, so I didn’t just leap for the first opportunity. The job I have now is so much better (and I am a mom of two kids, so I get being risk averse). I know you’ll never reach that realization by someone telling you that. But maybe someday you will be ready to make a change if your situation doesn’t improve.
+1
The grass can be so much greener; it’s not just an illusion.
Exactly!
I’m sorry you feel stuck and I have also been frustrated when trying to career vent to friends/family who are SAHMs or part time employed (basically all those who have no idea what it’s like to grind and then come home and maintain a household). Do you have a financial planner? I think having a meeting where you map out financial goals could give you an idea of what it might take to change jobs (even if there is a pay cut).
I feel this. Also, “just” changing jobs can take an entire year, and then the next year is spent trying to get settled in and prove yourself! So it’s two years until you find relief. Ugh.
I also genuinely don’t understand how other people in my income bracket or neighborhood support SAHMs. Like how are the dads making essentially double what I make in order to support a family, when I have a well-paid white collar job? Even if they aren’t paying for daycare, they must be making at least half again as much as me.
Same. That said, there are lots of people in my area that have family money or significant family help in buying houses, etc.
Where I live, very few people have graduate or professional degrees and their parents all paid for college, so nobody is paying off student loans. My peers’ parents are also paying for vacations, extracurricular activities, and teenagers’ cars and helping out with the grandkids’ college. My entire income has gone to law school loans (my school jacked up the tuition but not the scholarships), child care, extracurriculars, and college for my entire career. If I hadn’t gone to law school and we had some parental help with extracurriculars and college, we could totally afford for me to be a SAHM.
Agree that the ones who have shared with me is that grandparents pay for kid private school which is essentially the large expense of the household. So they live on one income.
There’s more cost-saving than you think from having a SAHM. It’s not just no daycare, it’s also no aftercare, little to no summer camp, and in my experience those families tend to do activities that require more volunteering and less money, e.g., Scouts, so overall the childcare and activity budget is way down.
But also you’d be surprised how many affluent people don’t have much savings and/or don’t intend to fully fund college for their kids. If you’re saving well for college and retirement, that easily explains where the extra money is going.
This just isn’t your group to vent to.
Sure it is. Unless you just prefer uncritical cheerleading. The perspectives of others make it easier to parse through complex feelings.
Sure, I know it’s not. And I didn’t vent and expect real advice. I was simply informing.
Can one of you gatekeepers point to the accepted list of topics approved for discussion here?
The virtues of only wearing thrifted natural fibers and the ease of purchasing hardwood furniture in mint condition for very little money on FB Marketplace. The necessity of immediately divorcing one’s husband for any perceived transgression, no matter how slight. The ease of withholding cell phones from tweens and teens.
But what about water bottles? Where does one inquire as to their professionalism??
I think she meant the group of sahms, not this site…
Looking for ideas for company swag for a holiday gift this year! We’re in the industrial/construction field, so a mix of white-collar and blue-collar jobs and mostly men. Past gifts have included an LL Bean fleece, a Carhartt hoodie, and Carhartt flannels. (And before anyone mentions cash, please know that this is in addition to very generous bonuses and is something people really look forward to!)
Anything in the Duluth Trading Fire Hose fabric line.
LL bean tote? Very trendy and functional
Boot/gear dryer. Amazing for work boots, people doing sports, athletic cleats, etc. Specifically the brand DryGuy.
Rain jacket or poncho or golf umbrella if you want it to be a wearable.
Good quality folding chair.
I’d love a quality folding/camping chair! I also appreciate quality umbrellas–we always keep one in our cars.
golf umbrella is nice because who wants to buy one, but always great to have!
We still have the golf umbrella and the folding chair from my previous job even though I never want anything to do with that institution again.
These are such good ideas! I especially like the chair
What about those fancy Yeti coolers, or a gift card to buy heavy duty truck bed/floor liners for their cars?
I would do some kind of cooler as well. Anyone can use that.
Portable charger and multi-tools are the most popular swag I have ever gotten/furnished.
Yetis are ubiquitous and perennial swag favorites. So are good, name-brand bluetooth speakers.
Folding chair with a cooler-bag pocket, picnic or lightweight camping blanket, nice tumbler?
a good quality umbrella. let everyone take two. no water bottles/mugs. (cleaned out our cabinet this weekend and DH had 14 water bottles/insulated tumblers that were his). i realize this is the wrong season, but beach towels.
I work at a similar company and think some really nice winter gloves, any of the brands made with GoreTex, would be widely appreciated.
We got a Pendleton wool blanket one year, which I still use daily. Maybe a car blanket instead of the towel idea? I have a lot of bluetooth speakers and chargers at this point.
Planning vacations with family can be so frustrating. That is all.
Are you me? Or my sister? I wonder why I bother and then, every year, it’s the same terrible re-run. Everyone loves the idea in concept but has zero capacity to execute.
Depends. Are you insisting we travel the most expensive week of the year to accommodate your kid’s schedule but then reporting that you’ll stay a 25-minute drive away to save $500 total for the week, ensuring we’ll all spend the whole time in the car if we actually want to see each other?
Longtime lurker here! Excited for my first post asking for advice!
I’m 37, and just quit a job in a pretty toxic environment and am transitioning to a new state/city for DH’s new job. This is my first time without a job since I’m 16, and I’ve finally decompressed enough to realize that while I’m still terrified about the professional uncertainty- I have a pretty cool opportunity to explore my personal hobbies, enhance health etc during this time between jobs.
I’m trying to create a funemployment bucket list. What would you add? I’m looking for any/all inspo.
I had a roommate who took up underwater welding. I’m not sure that counts as funemployment, but it’s probably the most interesting profession I can think of.
This isn’t the place.
Disagree. This is the place. I know several people who have taken off a chunk of time between jobs, voluntarily and not, and have done some funemployment stuff.
I hate the term funemployment. It’s so dismissive of the actual scariness of being unemployed.
Its a common term right now, maybe sometimes used sarcastically. A friend of mine left a job last month and calls herself funemployed.
I’ve always used it for when I’m intentionally taking a few weeks off between jobs (but that the next job is lined up). So it truly is funemployment. Ditto friends who have gone back to school (say school starts in August but they leave work in mid July). I would not call actual, unplanned/unfinanced unemployment funemployment.
I called myself underemployed when I was laid off because it described that I wanted to be more employed! Being laid off was definitely NOT fun. But I don’t begrudge people who quit or get laid off and want to approach that time period in a different mindset!
IME, people only use funemployment to refer to intentional gaps between jobs – quit the first job in May with the second one ready to start in August. I’ve never heard anyone who was laid off or otherwise unhappy to be unemployed use the term. I certainly didn’t when I was struggling to find work.
I don’t see any reason why this wouldn’t be the place for OP’s question about interesting things to explore during a period of unemployment. People talk here all the time about what they would do if they had a long break from work.
totally agree. plus what about when people retire early? that’s soemtimes something overachieving gals do.
What a weird response. This is the perfect place for it! I’d try something new-to-you that’s active and adventurous, like a ropes course class or a surfing lesson, and also visit museums and “tourist in your own town” mentality.
I’d use the time to really explore your new city! I try to take 2 weeks off between jobs (though, now I have a pension I’m locked in at my forever job). I have always enjoyed “staycationing”, visiting places that may be too crowded on a weekend or have limited hours. Popular breakfast spots, museums, etc.
+1 do all the touristy stuff no one ever does in their own city.
Go to lunch at a couple neat places
Get a library card and find the best local library.
Take a craft class or 3
Sign up for the ‘cheap try it out week’ at a few different gyms/ yoga studios
Find the best local park and bring a book you got at the library
Go to the animal shelter and pet the dogs
Rent a kayak or a paddle board or whatever the local equivalent is.
This isn’t super fun, but I used time in between jobs to purge every closet in my house several years ago. I love my job, but sometimes I fantasize about taking a new one only so I can have two uninterrupted weeks to go through and do it all again!
Haha, I do this for fun on random weekends.
good for you! i’d say think about athletic/movement hobbies first, as well as social hobbies. then i’d think about hobbies that require movement but aren’t exactly exercise, like gardening or golfing. i garden now and honestly couldn’t see how i could do this at age 70 because there’s so much bending and kneeling.
When I was underemployed, I used the time to develop a quality exercise routine and I was point-person on moving into our new house. I love choosing paint colors, thinking about how to organize, learning to use power tools, learning how to garden. I find a lot of self-expression in those activities because they blend skills, creativity, and productivity. And I didn’t need to be at a desk! Now that I’m back to over-employed, I appreciate that I had learned some of those skills so I can quickly utilize them. I could hang our new TV easily, plan a simple vegetable garden, etc because I had already put in the time to learn the necessary skills.
Yeah, I trained for a marathon after I passed the bar and was looking for jobs endlessly (thanks, 2008)
I left my job a year ago, with the full understanding that it would take a few years to find my next role. I have also taken an unpaid sabbatical of three months. I found it helpful to come up with three words that serve as a north star and help me prioritize what I want to do. Right now, those words are: care, trust, explore. The “explore” word is probably closest to your bucket list, so activities that have fallen under that caterogry include volunteering (local civic engagement, food bank, national organization volunteer), seeing movies in the theatre, taking the commuter rail out to new-to-me coastal towns for day trips, and catching up with as many people as possible in my network to see what new ideas shake loose.
I did a lot of being a tourist in my own city. I love museums, so I went to some of those. Restaurants that are hard to get reservations at in the evening.
Can you travel a bit? I went on a solo trip to Peru and it was an excellent trip.
Any big projects you’ve wanted to tackle? Gardening? Painting? Family genealogy?
I would work hard at building community in the new city. Go to every Pilates class, run club, book club, lecture series, opera you can find. Figure out where your group is.
Has anyone paid for the premium subscription on Thrifty Traveler? It supposedly gets you advanced notice when airlines run great deals. There is a sale right now so price is $99 versus $129, but am a bit skeptical. Any IRL experience? Thank you!
i haven’t done this one but i did a yearlong subscription to Going which used to maybe be the Points guy. even if you’re limited in your airports it’s still a lot of information, at least that’s how it was for me.
Going used to be Scott’s Cheap Flights.
This sounds like information you can get for free.
Because we are all amateur pharmacists, defense attorneys, and psychiatrists now, what is the best and most accurate Lindsay Clancy podcast or You Tube? I’m stuck inside on an in-laws “vacation” and the weather is bad and I need something that’s not Big Brother to watch and this is so tragic and sad and I’d like to understand this better.
I don’t know but I saw a theory that it was the hudband and he was drugging her and framed her and I’m starting to believe that.
I’ve only heard that here.
I’m not fully up to speed (as a recently pregnant woman it’s triggering), but there are a lot of medical professionals I’ve seen in passing on Reddit and the like that don’t understand how she could take the actions she did and then lose 8 degrees or whatever of body temperature. It doesn’t seem physically possible. So that’s one angle that I’m curious about.
This theory is everywhere now. As more detail comes out this seems more and more likely, so I am really interested in where this goes.
With his actions/remarriage etc I believe it.
The trial is all over my FYP and the disconnect between the sentiments there (the husband did it) vs. the thread here recently and in the general media (there’s no question that she committed the acts, that is not what is being litigated here) is absolutely wild to me. I admit, some of the questions posed have made me if there’s more to the story and then I thought, “Is this how people start believing wild conspiracy theories?? Am I turning in to a weird old person???
It’s hard when we know how wildly off base media narratives can be, but it doesn’t mean that armchair narratives are better!
From my understanding there was never an investigation into who did it…the police took his word that she said she did it (even though she was not verbal when EMTs arrived and she has no memory of doing. it). So yes, this trial is focusing on her mental state at the time of the murders BUT there’s enough sketchy evidence here that many people think he did it (myself included).
I mean, I could be convinced. People have done weirder and more horrific stuff to their loved ones for the idea not to be plausible.
I’m a lawyer but not a criminal lawyer. That said, it makes a lot of sense from a defense strategy perspective to concede that she did it; “I didn’t do it but if I did, it’s postpartum psychosis” is a much weaker sell to a jury than “I admit fault (even though I have no memory of it), and I believe I did this in the throes of psychosis.”
Book recommendation! This weekend, I read Alive Day by Karie Fugett. It’s the memoir of a very young woman married to a marine who is injured in the Iraq war and subsequently dies, leaving her a very young widow. I found out about Alive Day in a review that mentioned the publicity support for the book (not much) versus the publicity for Belle Burden’s Strangers.
Alive Day is very well written, and is a really thoughtful take on the consequences of sending young people to the front lines both for them and their families. I’m still thinking about Ms. Fugett’s story days later.
Thank you for the rec. A tip, my search for the title in my library catalog didn’t turn up anything, but the author’s name did, if anyone else is looking for the book.
A general statement that I so value that this community identifies good books frequently and want to encourage more posts like this! I often follow the recs. The discussion of being in a “Post-literate society” and studies about attention span is pushing me to prioritize reading more.
My hot take is that I think people who continue to read and write are going to see much lower rates of dementia compared to people who outsource everything to ChatGPT. Like that NYT op-ed last week said, using AI to write an email is like taking the elevator when you should really be exercising on the stairs.
I like this take.
Depending on what you like (I tend to go for fiction), here are some ideas:
Yesteryear — I really loved it. Not everyone does, but I thought it was excellent.
The Wedding People — easy but not dumb, and charming
Intermezzo — very, very slow and atmospheric, if you want something like that
I’m going to start My Friends, which was recommended to me by someone whose tastes I trust. Happy to report back!
If you’re looking for something similar to the Wedding People for those who have read it I recently read and like ‘My Ex-Husband’s Ex Husband’ and ‘We are Gathered Here Today’.
I got the rec here, but the Emma Lions series is sooooo good! I love it! It is light, funny and fun! I read over a 100 books a year and I think this is going to be my fav for this year.
I think someone here recommended London Falling by Patrick Radden Keefe and, boy, did I love it. Not usually a non-fiction reader, but this was just top notch.
I was really excited for Yesteryear and am about 100 pages into it and need some encouragement to keep going. I’m not sure why I’m having trouble getting into it, but I sure am.
I also recently read Good People by Patmeena Sabit. It’s about an Afghani family in the US who has a tragedy befall them. But it’s told only by others, like news reports, family friends, etc. It was captivating.
Yeah, this is coming, from what I hear. I completely devoured it, but it definitely didn’t affect everyone that way!
I have enjoyed recently:
Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks Memoir
The Antidote by Karen Russell Historic Fiction
Lovely One by Justice Brown Jackson Memoir
Personal History by Katherine Graham – Autobiography
The Correspondent – Virginia Evans, Epistolary Fiction set in Maryland, some elements of a legal thriller, very engaging.
Everything is Tuberculosis by John Green – non fiction, tells the story of Henry, and probably has a similar vibe to Alive Day – easier prose than you might expect to digest, with more hope than the title suggests
Whistler is the latest from Ann Patchett
Coded Justice by Abrams – you learn a lot about AI and healthcare in this murder-mystery
Have any curvy readers tried the AYR Secret Sauce jean? I saw them on an influencer and am tempted to try them (I’ve been looking for something with a wider leg that’s not TOO wide) but it’s a lot more than I would normally spend on jeans. Also very aware that I’m not a slim size 2 haha
They are good, but not like be all, end all good.
I tried on in store and LOVED these jeans. They’re the perfect wide leg but not too wide leg. I’m a size 10 at J.Jill with most of my weight in my thighs, and I loved how the jeans looked like a perfect straight line from my thighs down to my ankle, not like a flare.
https://www.jjill.com/product/authentic-fit-wide-leg-jean?color=3FC
I ask for clothes for field work here every so often – these would all be perfect for that!