Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Jessup Tailored Jacket

321 Comments

1. Speaking of splurges….has anyone worn any of the Me & Em shoes, and can provide feedback on their quality and comfort? I was drooling over a couple in the catalog yesterday, but have picky picky feet. Hoping someone here has been my guinea pig on this!

   1. Me! I have terribly narrow and picky feet and own a pair of gold low heels from ME + EM. Worth the price for me. Run TTS.

      1. TY!

2. How should my husband and I spend 4-5 free hours in the vicinity of the Minneapolis airport, including an early dinner? We will have a car. Shopping is his kryptonite, so the Mall of America is out.

   1. The airport is pretty close to lots of things. What do you like to do and where in the twin cities will you be coming from?

   2. Yeah, the area near the airport isn’t that exciting and I pretty much only go there for shopping and birding (and if you happen to be into that, then I do have recs), but if you have a car, it doesn’t take long to get to most of Minneapolis or St. Paul.

      1. Even without a car, the light rail makes downtown minneapolis pretty convenient, and if you’re willing to take rideshare, there are lots of options within 25-min or so.

   3. Do you like F Scott Fitzgerald? There is some stuff from his time there in St Paul.

      1. Or Prince?

   4. Something outdoors like figure skating? Or watching figure skating and drinking cocoa?

   5. Not super close to the airport, but also not far: I’d get lunch at Owamni (upscale Native American restaurant with great views) and visit the Mill City Museum, which is a short walk from Owamni.

      1. +1 to the Mill City Museum and Owamni. Another very Minnesota option, especially if you’re here at the holidays and like cool old houses, is the Swedish Institute and eating at their cafe, FIKA (modern Scandinavian).

         1. I love the Swedish Institute! Thank you for the reminder about it—I should go back.

   6. The Mall of America has fun rides and a cool food court. It’s not all shopping.

   7. If you’re into dive bars, the 5-8 club, the “home” of the juicy lucy, is a quick drive/uber ride from the airport. It’s also near Minnehaha Falls where there’s a larger park you can walk around. If winter keeps going like this the falls are going to freeze, and that’s always fun to see! You can walk from the falls down to the Mississippi river on some decent paths.

3. Need ideas for a fast and easy light bite to bring to a social event later this week. Needs to be something I can throw together really quickly after work and before the party. Prefer nothing that is heated because it will be sitting out on a buffet table for an hour or two. All I can come up with is veggie tray or fruit skewers, am I missing something better?

   1. Tapenade. Bruschetta.

   2. Popping cranberries are all over social media, maybe those and some fruit skewers?
      Spiced nuts or hummus and crudite would also be easy.

   3. Drunken tomatoes if alcohol is not verboten.

   4. If you have time to make cranberry sauce ahead of time (so easy, recipe on the bag of fresh cranberries), or have some left over from Thanksgiving: burrata cheese with cranberry sauce surrounding it, topped with chopped pistachios and lime zest. Serve with crostini or small slices of bread. It’s especially festive looking if you have a pretty glass bowl for it.

      1. Not the OP but I love this suggestion. Thank you!

   5. Cheese (fancy) or 2, and some of those fancy crackers with rosemary/raisin or similar combo.

   6. Goat cheese + pitted dates + skewers look fancy and are way easy, just need to be “assembled”. I did this for my entry into a book club and I did not regret at all; it was just the right amount of effort on my part that I wasn’t resentful and it fit in with the other “bites” or “heavy appetizers”.

   7. Spinach or artichoke dip spread on tortillas, rolled up and sliced into pinwheels.

   8. Small skewers with cherry tomatoes, bocconcini and basil , dribbled with balsamic glaze

   9. At my last party somebody brought Trader Joe’s frozen mini dumplings and the sauce from the package, and they were a huge hit. You heat them up in the oven, microwave, or stovetop before you come, but if they get cold during the party it’s fine.

   10. One of my favorites – sliced apples (Granny Smith) or pears, a smear of Boursin or goat cheese, a few leaves of arugula, wrap it in a slice of prosciutto.

       Easy to assemble, looks lovely, perfect bite, stays nice at room temp.

4. TTC discussion ahead!

   My husband and I have been trying for a baby since March of this year. I was really hoping to be pregnant by Christmas but it seems not to be.

   We’re planning on starting IUI in the new year. Can anyone share their experience with IUI? Planning on a few rounds before moving to IVF if necessary. I’m 30, no health issues, and have already started working with a fertility specialist to rule out anything obvious. Seems like I’m heading towards an “unexplained fertility” diagnosis.

   Happy holidays, all. If you’re also hoping, waiting, wishing for a baby this season, I see you!!

   1. We tried 3 rounds of it unsuccessfully before deciding not to move forward with IVF. Expect prescriptions, shots, lots of ‘wand’ ultrasounds (yes, it goes inside), and then the turkey baster. I did get a laugh when I had to sign the form for the actual IUI part that the procedure may cause pregnancy.

      Not continuing to IVF was a surprise to both of us – we realized after the IUI process that we kept making excuses for why to delay that step that had nothing to do with the cost and everything to do with thinking about staying ‘just us two’ was lovely after all. So, don’t be afraid to revisit the decision as we spent 6 months saying ‘oh but let’s go on that wine-tasting trip first!’ before realizing we were both doing the same thing.

      Best wishes for you guys!

      1. Just wanted to add that in my case with IUI, I did not get prescriptions, shots or ultrasounds. I just tracked my ovulation and went in to my doctor when the kit told me to (two days in a row). I think the level of intervention depends a lot on the issues that are potentially leading to infertility. I was only 32 so there was not a lot of urgency which might be the reason for the difference.

   2. When we started evaluating IVF after some time, I found it very pushy and somewhat salesy. It actually turned me off to the process, which in retrospect was good bc it bought us time to conceive naturally.

      You are probably thinking about these things already, but when going through this journey I realized a lot of women struggle to conceive without understanding some basics around fertility. It’s understandable when you’re told since middle school that basically anything can make you pregnant, but in reality there’s a narrow window every month.

      Taking Charge of Your Fertility and It Starts with the Egg are both science based and helped me understand cycles much better. We were going down the IVF road due to some issues with my age and my husband’s side, and by following the charting recommendations, taking my temperature and some supplements daily, we were able to get pregnant naturally.

      1. +1 on TCOYF which worked for a number of friends in my circle.

         I will also share that I was mid 30s, no health issues and heading towards IUI/IVF. My mom was going through chemo and I couldn’t handle more medical stuff so we switched to old school EOD (every other day) until she was recovered. I got pregnant the second month of EOD which shocked us. In hindsight, I was probably obsessing over the TCOYF stuff (temping/charting) to an unhealthy extent and I was inadvertently sending my body into max stress mode.

   3. We didn’t make it to IUI because one round of Clomid worked. I was not o v u l a t i n g (not sure if this is a m o d word). Are you temping and doing TCOYF? I was doing both and was able to show our RE 6 months of data with no temp changes so she knew what to target. Also – do not tell the RE “since March” – tell them “more than a year” so they won’t tell you to come back in March.

      1. I am not temping or doing TCOYF. I’ve been using the ClearBlue ovulation test per my fertility specialist’s recommendation. It’s been showing consistent ovulation. Interested in tracking my temp data though, thank you!

         1. Someone correct me if I am wrong, but having gone through TCOYF, I believe temping is just to track ovulation. Ovulation tests do the same thing and are IMO easier – having to take my temp first thing in the AM interfered with my sleep, as was always worrying about when I should call first thing. If you are having sex every other day in the fertile window – a day or two before and after ovulation, you are probably doing what TCOYF would guide you to do.

            1. They’re similar, but not quite the same. Ovulation strips show if your hormones are telling your body to ovulate, and indicate that you will probably ovulate soon. Temperature rise confirms that you did indeed ovulate, and that your body is now releasing progesterone. I used an old fashioned thermometer when I was tracking, but now have an Oura ring and am quite happy with how well that works.

   4. I recommend your husband also getting tested as part of your work-ups. We focused on my fertility prior to moving forward with IVF – it turns out that DH had motility concerns so IUI wasn’t the best option for us.

      1. I hope there aren’t clinics that do IUIs without a full semen analysis first!

      2. Appreciate this call out, DH did get tested and he’s all good. Our fertility specialist included him in the initial work up and I wish more places would do that!

         1. I’ve literally never heard of a clinic that doesn’t test the male first.

            1. That’s great! I hope that’s becoming more common.

   5. Double check me by looking at actual statistics, but IRC IUI has basically the same odds as natural if you ovulate normally. Really, the main benefit is confirming that you ARE ovulating. I’d just go to IVF and save the money and hassle if you’re confident you are.

      1. Ugh, yeah I’ve been thinking about this. Mentally IVF feels like a big jump, but I do 100% want a baby like yesterday lol so maybe I go for it? If you did IVF, would love to know more about your experience with it. I’m nervous about side effects.

         1. We started down the IVF road because I was over 40, but I was pushed by our doctor to get serious about making some lifestyle changes and try for a few more months. It could have been luck, but 2 months after I made the changes, I got pregnant without intervention.
            The changes: trying at the right time (starting right before ovulation), nutrition (eating plenty of full-fat dairy and iron-rich foods), and lowering my stress levels (this was the hardest. I had to give up projects at work and start taking solo walks as a form of meditating).

         2. i was in the same boat as you. our plan was one IUI (with meds for me) and then straight to IVF…we got lucky – the IUI worked (or the timed intercourse, bc they had us do that too) and i got pregnant with twins (we also have a history of twins in our family). if i had known it would work like that i would’ve chosen a different month to get pregnant, but obviously it doesn’t. hang in there and good luck!

         3. Yes, two egg retrievals over here. It sucks while you’re doing it, but I kept reminding myself it was 2-3 weeks of side effects and I was hoping for 38-42 weeks of side effects on the other side.

            The biggest tip I have is to understand probable attrition rates for your age BEFORE the retrieval. X eggs retrieved does not mean X embryos; they have to be mature, they have to fertilize, they have to survive 3-5 days, and if you choose to do genetic testing, that’s going to take some % of them out of the running, too. All of this is normal and should be expected, but a lot of clinics don’t prepare women for it, IMO.

            My other tip is that there are basically no good communities on Reddit or Facebook for IVF. Seek tips there about logistics, for sure, but avoid them for emotional support. It’s either “baby dust!!!” or a space where women aren’t allowed to even acknowledge that they have a living child. Both are toxic in their own ways and will make your experience worse. This is the time to talk to IRL friends, or even post on the Moms site here.

            1. Thank you for this, I have been avoiding Reddit because I don’t want to spiral and it’s just such a high-key environment! At the end of the day I need to tune out the noise and listen to what my doctor says. Really appreciate people sharing their experiences here though, this is a helpful space.

         4. I have a comment in mod, but wanted to add — I was happy in retrospect that I didn’t give in to the feeling of urgency and push for IVF without giving more of a chance, because I learned as part of my pregnancy group that IVF moms had more sensitive pregnancies (statistically higher chance of complications like pre-eclampsia, premature birth, and c-sections, which might not seem dire in abstract but absolutely feel like a scary risk when you’re in those 9 months of waiting) so it is actually worth trying to avoid or at least giving yourself a little more time.

            1. That might not be the result of IVF but instead a result of the health and age of mothers who have IVF pregnancies. And I say this as an IVF mother myself.

         5. Long reply stuck in m0d — check back later and feel free to ask any follow up questions, too!

         6. I recently started the IVF process for a different reason- it turns out DH and I are both carriers for a medical condition so we’re jumping straight to IVF with PGT-M.

            The timing of IVF can be difficult. You’ll give yourself injections for two weeks, go in for near daily monitoring during that time, and then your doctor will determine the egg retrieval date. You can’t do anything strenuous or travel while on the meds. Then you wait to see how many viable embryos you end up with (prepare yourself for attrition) and your doctor schedules the embryo transfer, which may or may not be successful. I’m happy that we’re taking concrete action but it feels like my life is on hold indefinitely- I can’t plan anything big for the next few months, it may be tough with my job that involves spontaneous travel, and if we don’t get enough embryos from the first cycle we have to do it all over again. Talk to your doctor about IUI first but don’t assume IVF is a quick path to pregnancy.

            I agree with the other commenter to avoid social media. I always feel worse after spending time on those IVF boards. Personally I found it more helpful to talk with friends and acquaintances who have gone through IVF. I was shocked how many women my age (early 30s) have experience with it.

            1. Good call out about travel. We have a trip to Italy planned for late March. At this point I’m thinking we’ll get in as many IUI cycles as we can before then, enjoy our lives in Italy, and then move to IVF when we get back if needed.

               Good luck to you! It’s so hard.

         7. Oh, also: absolutely try all of the interventions first, and (as importantly) have your partner do the same. Semen analyses don’t really evaluate for quality, and if he’s smoking or sedentary or not eating real food or whatever, it’s worth trying to have you AND HIM do 3-6 months of lifestyle interventions first.

         8. I just wrote the longest reply ever that is still in moderation, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have about IVF too. In short – it wasn’t nearly as bad I made it out in my head, and once I did 5 IUIs I was mentally ready to make the jump. And I have 2 beautiful (if not annoying) kids now.

   6. I wanted to start with IUI but my clinic pushed me straight to IVF. I felt frustrated by that at the time, but in retrospect it was the right choice. Timing intimacy had become a sticking point in our relationship and I felt like I never got a fair shake at trying before moving onto IVF. But we also had a male infertility issue, so ICSI was the best path to a baby anyway. I’m glad we didn’t waste time and resources on IUI.

      The IVF process sucked but it wasn’t as horrible as I expected. My clinic had really good availability to work around my schedule. The hormones didn’t make me as crazy as I thought they would, but they did make me gain a ton of weight and feel generally blah the whole time. The IVF subreddit was a great resource for questions to ask my doctors but you have to take it in small doses; there’s a lot of anxiety and hand-wringing over there. It took me 3 rounds but I now have a happy health baby!

      1. Congratulations on baby!

   7. Good luck, thinking of you. I remember how tough holidays were when wanting a kid. Beyond the medical support, I had a close friend who was going through something similar at the same time and that helped a lot. I’m very glad I candidly shared what we were working through early on with her because that’s how we realized we were in the same boat. We shared both a lot of tactical support (eg in navigating the financial office at the IVF clinic or scheduling/balancing with work advice) and just emotional support as other friends shared good news. Online forums were not a good alternative for this.

   8. PCOS here, I do not ovulate and have so very many eggs, so clomid wast an option for me. We did IUI for #1 and it worked on round three, which would have been the part attempt before going to IVF. FWIW insurance made us attempt IUai first. I was 34. For baby #2 we went right to IVF per doc’s recommendation and it eventually worked.

      I did find the Reddit “infertility” very helpful – none of that Abby dust bull s hit. Really really helpful through ivf in particular, which was a much longer, harder fight for me. The added resource was invaluable. The c-moms page recommended it.

   9. Okay this is going to be long, because I really empathize with you. We did 5 IUIs (starting at age 32) before moving on to IVF, and I only wish we had done so sooner (both transfer worked and I have 2 kids!). If you aren’t pregnant after 3 IUIs I would move on. By the time we did our 5th, we were both mentally prepared for IVF.

      IVF was WAY less of a “big deal” than I made it out to be in my head. The physical part was barely worse than the IUIs – the needles were annoying but fine. Early morning ultrasounds were annoying. The egg retrieval was a bit rough but it was quick. The mental toll on me was much harder but that was just the inability to get pregnant, not the IVF. That said, we were extremely lucky – I did one egg retrieval and got something like 16 eggs. We ended up with 6 embryos.

      My MAIN recommendation is that, if you are spending the time and money on IVF, spend the money on the genetic testing. Of our 6 embryos, only 2 were genetically “normal”. Three were incompatible with healthy pregnancies and the fourth was a “mosaic” which (in oversimplified terms) could be okay but also could be genetically incompatible. Crucially – the genetically “bad” embryos were just random mutations, i.e. nothing that my husband or I had ourselves, and we had no reason to think that we had any reason to do the genetic testing. Doing the testing saved us from potentially implanting the 3 (+ 1 mosaic) embryos that would have resulted in miscarriages – would have been emotionally devastating, plus wasted months and money.

      So, we implanted the first embryo and that was our son. Three years later we implanted the second, and that was our daughter. We are insanely lucky that both worked, but I am so happy that we pivoted to IVF when we did because in the long run it was not a big deal (although it was expensive).

      Last thing: when I was going through this 8 years ago, I was depressed and sad and stressed and felt almost embarrassed that I couldn’t get pregnant when many of my friends were literally getting pregnant on their first try. After going through it, I now know at least 6 other close friends and colleagues who have since done IVF. I have been open with them about ours because I wish I had someone to talk to when I was going through it.

      It is also SO easy to get sucked into feeling like you could or should be doing something more – taking vitamins, using special lube, not drinking etc. – I tried it all. Honestly, none of this is going to work if there is a medical reason you aren’t getting pregnant. If those things make you feel better, GREAT. But if they don’t, then DON’T beat yourself up and make yourself miserable – it also makes the whole process life-consuming. I was already feeling awful, not having a glass of wine was not going to make me feel better and it certainly wasn’t going to make my ovaries grow an extra egg. The frustrating thing about infertility is you may never know what the issue was, but in my anecdotal experience/hearing about my friends’ experiences, if you have decent egg quality/numbers and there is no glaring issue with your uterus/lining, there is a good shot IVF will work. The people I know that needed multiple cycles had diagnosed egg or uterine lining issues that were making it difficult to get embryos or get one to stick. So in some ways, an “unexplained” diagnosis may be good news because IVF may work for you.

      I really wish you the best of luck and hope you have a short and successful fertility “journey” (I hate this term but I can’t think of any other word to use here)!

      1. It is so easy to look around and feel like every is basically sneezing and getting pregnant. I know that isn’t the reality but dang!

         Also thank you for the advice RE: lifestyle changes. My doctors have been great in giving only evidenced-back suggestions and my lifestyle is fine, basically. I didn’t expect it to take this long to get pregnant and I’m very glad I didn’t give up Friday night wine with my husband for the entirety of 2025.

         1. Oh, I hear you. After literally 4 of my friends got pregnant on the first try (any multiple times – like their second and third children, also first try), and the other 3 of us had to use IVF…I realized that (REALLY oversimplified): you either have infertility, or you don’t. When doctors say it “could take 12 months to conceive” it’s because some people take 1 month and those who have issues bring down the average, not because there is some magic reason why it might take that long to happen.

            So – have the glass (or 2 or 3) of wine. Honestly, the doctors were more concerned about my husband giving things up, because smoking/drinking/saunas have a bigger impact on sperm than alcohol does for you. But even then, it was more like – don’t sit in a sauna every day/rest a hot laptop on your lap/go on a bender every week.

      2. Thank you for sharing your experience. On the genetic testing side, I recommend doing your research to make the best decision for you. The clinic presented it to me as very black and white, but that’s not necessarily in line with the most current research. There’s now research that suggests we’re all mosaic, and there’s also research that challenges the assumption that there is 100% agreement between the trophectoderm and the inner cell mass.

         The test only takes like 5 cells from the ~100 cell trophectoderm (the part of the embryo that becomes the placenta). If it’s true that we’re all mosaic, even an embryo that tests as aneuploid could be perfectly fine, they just happened to pull 5 “bad” cells. And if it’s true that the trophectoderm and inner cell mass are NOT in agreement, then the genetic test is pretty much a craps shoot anyway.

         The practical effect of this? You might elect to destroy embryos that might have led to healthy pregnancies. Some people are not comfortable with that. Some people might start the process feeling perfectly fine with it and their feelings might change during the process. I just think people should be aware that the science is always evolving.

         For me, I chose genetic testing for my first two rounds but not the third. I got only aneuploid embryos after the first 2 rounds. One of the aneuploid embryos had a survivable condition but my clinic wouldn’t transfer any aneuploid embryo. When I was facing my third round, I knew I didn’t want another round; my next step would be finding another clinic to transfer aneuploid embryo(s). So I didn’t test the embryos resulting from round 3. The first embryo I transferred stuck and resulted in a healthy live birth.

         1. Okay, these are very good points about the genetic testing and possibility of unknowingly destroying healthy embryos. I may feel very differently about genetic testing if I had a similar scenario to you happen. We were very lucky that we wanted two children and got two euploid embryos. I guess the frustrating conclusion is that you really don’t know and you have to make a gut decision about which way is best for you.

   10. I liked the As A Woman podcast a lot. One of the things she mentioned that I hadn’t heard elsewhere was to envision your full family. For example, if someone is 35 and wants 4 kids they shouldn’t waste their time on IUI because even if it works for the first kid, you’ll be over 40 for the last kid and need IVF.

       I had secondary infertility and ovulation issues. We did one medicated timed intercourse cycle and one IUI cycle while we were waiting to start IVF. The IUI cycle worked.

   11. This is about 25 years ago . . . I went to a top fertility group in NYC. Full work up for both me and DH. Nothing was identifiable on my end but DH had issues with his sperm. We did IUI and they did something with his sperm so that only the star swimmers were inseminated. That did the trick and it worked the first time. I became unexpectedly pregnant with my second when the first was only 6 months old. Never expected that after a couple of years of trying for the first. It all worked out fine.

   12. Don’t spend too much time on IUI before moving to IVF. I regret the time we wasted.

5. Best coat from LE or LLBean? For my dad who I know his size in these brands. He is the older gentleman who is always very cold and loves to go on walks each afternoon (warmest part of the day). It’s not so cold here as it is very damp and miserable feeling. He’s already mentioning how uncomfortable he is and it is only going to get colder. It’s his first winter here and his existing coat isn’t keeping up. He has no patience for going out to shop, especially with holiday crowds.

   1. Apologize that I am not answering the question you asked, but as someone who lives in the frozen tundra, I find that the inner layer is as (or more) important than the outer one. Would he wear a layer of thermal underwear? I find if I layer correctly, the warmth of the outer layer – the coat – is not nearly as important as it is without.

   2. Not exactly what you asked, as I don’t have a coat recommendation, but would a heated vest be of interest? They have little rechargeable battery packs that work for hours.

      1. My heated vest is the single best thing I have ever bought for myself in terms of comfort. I am despondent when the battery dies. It goes under all my coats and it warms up quickly so you’re immediately comfortable. I have one from ororo.

         1. I was going to suggest a heated vest for under his coat also.

         2. I was jumping on to make this exact recommendation, which I received from a friend who fits OP’s description of an “ older gentleman who is always very cold and loves to go on walks each afternoon.” My friend is totally enamored and also has an ororo.

         3. Oooh I may get one of these for my permanently cold mom. Do you have the fleece or the puffy version?

            1. Fleece

   3. This one (baxter state parka)

      1. https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/130071?page=mens-baxter-state-parka-ii-mens-regular&bc=516567-593-506673&feat=506673-GN3&csp=f&attrValue_0=190&gnrefine=1*WARMTH_RATING*Warmest&pos=5

   4. Replying to my post: so many coat descriptions say to layer over a medium layer, etc. I just need for the coat to be what brings the warmth. He is so stiff and arthritic (and keeps a toasty apartment) that layering isn’t a favored way to stay warm. The coat needs to do the work for someone already in a flannel shirt.

      1. No specific suggestions, but I would look for a very long down puffer with an integrated puffy hood if he’s not willing to layer up.

         1. With your additional information, I also would go with a long down puffer with a hood also. If he can (see arthritis) do double gloves and very warm socks with solid shoes (not running shoes where the cold air passes through the mesh), I think those will help a lot too. And good for him for continuing to get outside and move his body!

      2. I hate layering and have the Baxter parka linked above by another commenter. It’s a thick coat, and it’s also windproof. I took it with me to Iceland and it kept me really warm even when the wind was howling.

   5. If it’s not to windy, perhaps a fleece-lived sweatshirt? LL Bean has their Katahdin zip up. I have one from Amazon that is super cozy and warm.

6. Argh, I shouldn’t have turned on the real estate listing notifications until we were actually on the market in January. Now I’ve fallen in love with a house (the perfect location, ground floor, an office) that will definitely be gone by the time we get on the market mid-January. My husband’s auntie went to the open house for us yesterday and says it’s just as great as the photos. Currently asking our estate agent whether we could offer some sort of incentive to wait for us but I don’t think it’s done in Scotland.

   1. Isn’t this where a contingency comes in (offer contingent on you selling your place within X days)? It’s not a strong offer when the market is strong in a well-priced house but if you don’t ask, you don’t get.

   2. January is next month. Why not just move your timeline up a bit? Deal with a little chaos for the right thing.

      1. +1!

      2. +1. If it’s the perfect place, just go for it. Even if you don’t move your timeline up, you would only be paying for an extra month. That’s not much in the grand scheme of things.

      3. Tempting, but we’ve got home exchange guests staying in our house from the 21st-31st. Just asked our agent about a contingency though. The sellers have had 3 very quiet open houses (aunt and cousins both live on the same street and have been keeping an eye out) + only have one note of interest thus far, so perhaps they’d be willing to wait for extra cash.

         What’s for you won’t pass you by, as the Scots say, but we definitely have ourselves mentally moved in. We’re downsizing to live back in the city, but this one is spacious in comparison with others on the market, has a big shared garden, family across the road, minutes walk from an excellent school, etc.

         1. Bridge loan or the Scottish equivalent of HELOC for the down payment. If you have to own 2 properties simultaneously for a few months, it’s quite doable.

            1. This. Also, just cancel the home away guests. They’ll deal.

            2. +1 The correct move here is to put in the offer now and just own two properties for a short while. You’ll need to clean out and fix your old house anyways before putting it on the market

         2. It’s bananas to me that you would allow yourselves to possibly miss out on your perfect house due to someone else’s vacation. Hell I’d be putting them in an Airbnb if necessary.

            1. Same, this might be the most insane thing I’ve ever read. Most of those platforms let the host cancel without penalty, and even if there is one, just pay it.

            2. I feel like OP has some ambivalence about the move/transaction, or she would have realized this herself. It’s obviously the right move to cancel.

            3. Same. It’s very considerate of you, but take the long view here.

            4. Exactly.

         3. I’m in the UK and I agree with people saying just move forward with an offer – it’ll be a chain anyway so everyone knows you’ll have at least some delay while you sell your house.
            You can put your house on the market but nobody can force you to show it during that 10 day window! If it’s December it would be completely normal not to show over Christmas break anyway.

            1. Spoke to the estate agent and he said let’s get a note in if we love it and hope things just drag out until the new year. He thinks they’ll probably want to price maximise – and that means waiting til the new year to go to the offers stage.

               If we own two houses at once, even for a few months, we owe 8% of the value as a tax on second homes.

   3. Doesn’t home closing take forever in the UK? Admittedly my knowledge is based on a friend and a cousin, but both of them have told me buying homes is a slooooow process.

7. I’ve started getting painful cystic acne on my chin right before my period. I had this in my teens and the only thing that fixed it was accutane. With my derm I’ve tried topical antibiotics and doxycycline, which help but my skin is not clear. I’m going back this week so I’d love to hear if anyone has found a good combination. In the meantime, I would also like tips on how to cover this up without looking cakey. My skin was pretty good before this so was only using a light powder foundation from Bobbi Brown. I’m pushing 40 and starting to see some fine lines and dryness.

   1. I’m on spironolactone for PCOS but it is also used to help with cystic acne. Otherwise, sulfur cream and then a pimple patch is very effective for me.

      1. Echoing these remedies and adding Clearasil Rapid Action cream. Spironolactone is super effective for me and after going back on 3 mos ago, I am really kicking myself for being too disorganized for years to go see a derm who would prescribe it. So much unnecessary scarring and discomfort. FWIW, I now get it via online Rx.

   2. The pill fixed this for me.

      1. I had a superficial blood clot so I’m not “alowed” to take the pill now apparently. Though the state of my face makes me question whether I would rather risk it. The psychological toll this is taking is unbelievable.

         1. If this is the case then I’d 100% ask your derm about spironolactone. It’s honestly WAY better than the pill for acne.

            1. Totally agree with this. I was on spironolactone for years in my 20s, it was the only thing that got my cystic acne under control. It was truly a life saver. If you think your acne is hormonal, ask your doctor to try it. I don’t remember having any side effects but it was also a long time ago (thank god my hormones calmed down when I got into my 30s).

            2. Agreed! I’m on lifelong blood thinners for a clot and my hematologist suggested spironolactone to me at my last visit. Been on it a month and it’s fixed my acne issue.

      2. Me too. I did all the topicals and accutane, but birth control pills were the thing that truly worked. Like perfectly clear skin level of working.

   3. I am on tretinoin from my derm for cystic acne that popped up when I switched from the pill to an IUD. It doesn’t always precent the acne, but it clears it up quickly.

   4. Sounds crazy, but eliminating dairy took care of my cystic acne within two weeks

      1. Did you suddenly become sensitive to it? I don’t eat much dairy to begin with, but haven’t changed my diet at all since it started.

         1. Are you drinking a lot of oat milk? Don’t know the mechanism, but I know a lot of people whose adult acne was greatly reduced when they cut out oat milk.

            1. Oh interesting! Not oat but almond.

         2. Sorry for the late response. I used to drink a ton of dairy and lots of cheese through my teens and twenties, but the cystic acne popped up suddenly in my late 20s. An aesthetician suggested that my acne might be dairy related, and at first I thought she was crazy, but then figured it wouldn’t hurt to try cutting it out. My skin cleared within a week, no exaggeration.

   5. “Right before my period” says it’s endocrine; I’d take it up with a gynecologist who specializes in perimenopause if possible. Dermatologists and their topicals are too little, too late for me.

   6. I found using the Peter Thomas Anti Aging Cleansing gel daily helped clear up the my skin issues. I also added an enzyme cleanser once a week.

   7. Just wanted to echo that spironolactone was a complete life saver for me. Never had a single one appear after going on it. Was literally like a magic pill. I don’t think it’s like that with other acne. But if it’s hormonal cystic, it stops it entirely.

      1. Same here. The ONLY thing that worked, and it worked perfectly. A lot of those online providers offer this, making it a very simple path.

   8. Sulfur plus a light therapy mask. They really zap acne for me.

      1. +1 to both. The light mask was $$ but helps with acne, fine lines, and my eczema/rosacea flares.

         1. I might be too late for today, but what light mask do you use? I have been thinking about investing in one.

   9. I always put a dab of cortisone ointment on these kinds of zits.

   10. I was very similar to you. When I saw a dermatologist knowledgeable about cystic acne and women’s health, we started spironolactone and topical tretinoin. Just great. Spironolactone is the silver bullet for cystic acne. And tretinoin also kept my small acne bumps under control, and of course is great for your skin.

8. I could use some advice from ‘rettes in marketing/client roles. I work in a male dominated industry (think: software for construction companies). Historically I have been an individual contributor in an internal role but recently have been asked to take on more client-facing and marketing activities. It’s good for my career so am giving it a try. The challenge has been that I’m doing this work with a few other women who are significantly more attractive than I am, and it’s clear it makes a difference – people just come up to them at the events or when they approach are much more likely to have a real conversation and follow-up. I am not at all critical of my colleagues and they aren’t doing anything unprofessional, it’s just reality – but it’s really making me feel down about myself. Any advice on navigating this? I know looks always matter to some degree but have never been in a professional role before where it’s this relevant and it’s been hard.

   1. People are attracted (not just s * xua*lly) to others for all sorts of reasons–looks are only a piece of it. Focus on your aura, for lack of a better word. Figure out what gravitates people towards other people–a smile? eye contact? interesting feedback/conversation?

      1. +1 others may be picking up on their energy – are they projecting an air of being open to conversation, energetic/high energy, and interesting/interested? Especially at big events it is awkward to talk to people and I can see gravitating to someone who is making eye contact, smiling, and projects a ‘talk to me!’ energy.

         1. Yes! Be approachable. I think you can probably imagine lots of scenarios where a beautiful human looks/is unapproachable. Looks aren’t everything.

      2. But also, play the game. Everyone can be attractive. Figure out hair, makeup and clothes too.

         1. Yes, I think it’s easy to underestimate how much it’s about signifiers of attractiveness and the message that they send!

         2. I agree with this – it is both.

            I made an effort in the past few years to be overtly friendly in public, working or not. Making eye contact, smiling, proactively thanking people for minor things, chit chatting, etc. It makes a difference.

            I also look more out together. For me, that means eyebrow tint, lash extensions, and lip color. Hair looks intentional.

   2. My secret for networking is to start at the perimeter of the room and start chatting up the introverts who locate themselves there to avoid the din. Also start chatting with other people who don’t get sucked into the main swirl, they tend to be people who are not confident about their language skills or also don’t feel confident about their welcome for some reason. They can make great allies.

      1. Without being Such A Jerk though – are these people worth getting to know?

         1. God yes. Extroverts make up a fraction of people in business and yet all business activity seems to be targeted at them.

         2. Hoo boy. The real question may be whether it’s worth them getting to know you.

            1. Right? I’m one of those edge of the room introverts, at an industry event recently I was given an award for something big, oh boy the smarmy people swarmed after and it felt so gross they were clearly just trying to use me since they learned I was *important*.

         3. Lol, they are often the ones who are making the decisions in their businesses. There are a lot of us introverts out there!

         4. Yes! Having a diverse group of business contacts is a plus.

      2. I have a similar strategy – I try to arrive to events early. Fewer people are there, and everyone is looking for someone to talk to.

   3. Competing on looks with other sales reps may not play to your strengths! Think about what your strengths are and play to them instead.

      If you’ve been an IC for a while, are you the expert in something and can you ask your colleagues to pull you in when it’s appropriate for those topics? Could you focus on being the tech expert instead? Give talks/lectures on your product?

      There’s lots of space for more reticent + straight talking sales reps- I personally hate talking to pushy, extroverted reps. Could you focus more on email leads than on face-to-face conference things?

      Could you find a niche for working with existing customers? I.e. ask to meet them for coffee and discuss what is working for them or not? Especially if you’re not going to be great at first line contact, could you be the customer retention expert instead?

      1. Great point. It’s worth checking, are you actually competing with each other? In my industry, booth work is a team effort. You could coordinate with these team members for them to hook people in and bring you in if the conversation is getting more in depth.

   4. Maybe you could get your hair blown out professionally before an event like this and update your makeup with a few new items you love. Just do a limited number of steps so you don’t sink too much effort into something that might all be in your head. You might also just lack confidence because you’re new, which might impact how much you are smiling or engaging others. You will be more engaging with experience. Give yourself time, and try to learn it as a craft.

9. I am planning a wedding for Fall 2026 and am finalizing the bridal party. I can afford (and want to provide!) either the hair and makeup services ($185 for both) or the dress ($175/per person) for my bridesmaids. Thoughts on which to offer? I am not requiring H/MU for them.

   1. Are you requiring them to wear a specific dress? If so, you should pay for it.

      1. +1 to paying for the dress and making sure they know hair/makeup is not required and up to them. I’ve been a bridesmaid multiple times and it’s very common for only some of the women to use the hair/makeup services.

   2. Cut your party in half and provide both for them? To be perfectly honest I know SO many people who are relieved they weren’t asked to be bridesmaids – they get to just do the fun part, attending the celebration, without the extra expense and having their partner have to spend half the event alone.

      1. This is really YMMV and know your friends. Some friends were relieved and I know others would have been crushed to not be included

         1. Same. You are ranking your friends if you do this and they know it.

            1. That’s why I think it’s a relief to keep it small. There’s no hurt feelings if you keep it to your sister and best friend, but just invite the rest of your friend circle as guests, rather than having say 7-8 bridesmaids because that’s how big your ‘pretty close’ friend circle is and picking half of them would feel rude.

               Anyway, to the question asked, I’d pay for the dresses since I see below they are a very specific style.

            2. Ha! Do you know how many people think they’re your best friend only to find out you have many close friends? This is 100% a recipe for hurt feelings and not worth it if you’re having a big wedding anyway. Anyone who’s financially put out can opt out.

      2. Yes—if i could do it again i wouldn’t have done bridesmaids. It’s too big an ask and the people who love you will already be there to support you without needing to stand next to you.

         1. Is it really that big of an ask? I’ve been a bridesmaid 4x and frankly have never found it demanding.

            You’re there to celebrate and support your friend! Thats fun!

            1. I agree, the responsibility is taking a few pictures and walking down the aisle to stand with the bride during the ceremony. The rest is basically the same experience as any other wedding guest?

            2. this must vary by circle. In many cases a bridesmaid means going to dress appointments, helping with DIY wedding stuff like stuffing welcome bags and assembling invitations, helping to organize showers and destination b-r-tte parties, etc. It’s a lot.

            3. Oh that’s so weird bc I’m in the same city as Cat and I’ve never had to do any of that.

               It’s just attend the shower (if there is one) and bachlorette, buy the right dress, and wedding weekend attend the rehearsal and getting ready / photos. Ive never, ever been asked to do more than that.

               In my circle, dress shopping is exclusively done with family.

            4. Cat, I think you’re describing experiences by age – that stuff is very DIY, right after college stuff.

            5. shrug, that was my experience on the wedding circuit in my late 20’s – because of law school perhaps the DIY activities extended later since we were all paying off our LS loans. For a more established couple I can see the DIY stuff wouldn’t apply.

      3. +1 to fewer people in the bridal party. Unless you’re having the first wedding amongst your friend group most people are not into being a bridesmaid. My college roommate/SIL both only had 1 attendant (their only sister). They thought we’d be upset but everyone was thrilled!

      4. If her wedding is in less than a year, it’s likely she has already asked them. Cutting some at that point would just be rude.

         I would go for covering hair and makeup. They probably have already factored in the cost of the dress, but not for hair and makeup.

         1. She said “finalizing the bridal party” so it sounded like she’s deciding who to ask. If they’re already asked, then I would pay for the dresses and be very clear that hair & makeup are optional. I’d be way happier doing my own normal blowout and event makeup at my own pace, vs. having to get a 7:30am appointment for a 4pm wedding, etc.

      5. Maybe her friends are happy to celebrate with her? Kind of depressing to imply that she nobody wants to be her bridesmaid.

         1. The cost is incredibly stressful.

            1. To you, in a hypothetical situation where you’re imagining the costs instead of basing it on reality. She’s coming here to ask about offsetting the cost for these women!

            2. This is really helpful—thank you for the comments! I’m the last of our friend group to get married (no kids yet), so I really do want bridesmaids, but I don’t want anyone going broke in the process. I was a bridesmaid once while studying for the Bar—jobless, stressed out, and very broke—so I completely get it. For my wedding, the only cost for bridesmaids will be either the dress or hair/makeup. Since it’s a local wedding and I’m not doing a bachelorette, I feel comfortable asking them to pay for either/or. I’ve thought about just giving them the cash and letting them pick, too.

            3. But maybe it isn’t? I was a bridesmaid a ton in my 20s and 30s and just budgeted for it. It wasn’t crazy stressful and I never had a bride buy my dress either.

            4. Sure, maybe it isn’t for you, but a bride can’t know the financial situation of her closest friends.

            5. Anon at 10:26, I think most people do have pretty good idea of the financial situation of their close friends. I mean I guess someone could have a secret gambling addiction or something, but I guess know my friends pretty well?

            6. Bride, have your bridal party. No one is going broke over $185. It’s incredibly generous of you to offer this at all.

         2. Right? I love my friends and want to support them?

            To me these responses explain “everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager”.

            Being a bridesmaid is rarely a heavier lift than attending the wedding – for a close friend I’m already attending the bachlorette and the shower and being a fun party person at the wedding. So, the extra “work” is limited to getting the dress, going to the rehearsal (followed by a free, delicious meal!) and then getting ready with the bride.

            A couple hundred dollars for dress, alterations, and h/mu and a few extra hours of my time is not a burden for someone I love

            1. This! And it’s fun! I miss that era of carefree weekends hanging out with my girlfriends. Don’t rob yourself of this time because of a few internet naysayers.

   3. I was older when I got married and many friends and siblings / ILs had babies. I skipped the bridesmaids and didn’t feel that anyone wasn’t thrilled for that to be the case.

      1. I wasn’t a bridesmaid in two weddings (sibling and close cousin) as my son was nursing/a small baby and I had to feed him/pump during the ceremony/reception. Honestly it was SO much easier and I didn’t mind one bit.

      2. Did you feel bummed that due to being an older bride you had a different experience?

         I don’t want a crazy bachlorette trip (my parents own a beach house 2 hours away – free and easy!), but I do want a fun weekend with my girlfriends… but everyone will be pregnant or the mother of a baby.

         It’s not my fault I didn’t meet my fiancé til we were 31!!!

         1. I feel like after college, people keep spreading out more and more or are away for school and it is hard to do one trip let alone that and a wedding. But everyone was so happy and it was a great party with a short and simple religious ceremony at a church before.

            1. On the flip side, my friends are mostly between Boston and DC and we spent our 20s and early 30s getting together a few times a year.

         2. Not everyone gets every experience. That’s ok.

            1. It’s super sh!tty when you did it for everyone else and now they can’t reciprocate.

               I can be thrilled for my friends and their babies and heartbroken that I don’t get a fun girls weekend and to feel celebrated for my wedding the way I celebrated theirs.

               I spent my 20s and early 30s desperately wanting to find love, and I was single til I was 33. I’m now getting married and would love a family but due to my age, I don’t know if that’s in the cards.

               It stings knowing that I traveled all over the country for bachlorettes and now I won’t get the same

            2. Same. I’m a bit bummed. It’s no one’s fault, no one did anything wrong, I am not mad at or begrudging anyone… it’s just a little sad to have missed out on that experience, especially when you wanted it so much while participating in everyone else’s.

            3. Your friends might surprise you. I eloped at 40 and all the girls I’d been bridesmaids for surprised me with a post-wedding “bachelorette” beach vacation. We had a fabulous time and it looked a little different but all the thought was there and I didn’t miss out on anything. I’m glad I invested all that time into those friendships that are still strong today. Showing up in life matters.

            4. You’ve led a remarkably blessed adulthood if you think that not having a similar bridal experience as others is in the “super sh!tty” tier of life stuff. Hope you don’t have an actually super sh!tty thing come your way any time soon or your world is going to get rocked.

            5. I REALLY don’t think the people who find love, get married, and get pregnant “on time” understand the pain of those of us who want that and don’t have it.

            6. No. You can have challenges in life and still be sad that your friends can’t show up for you in ways you’ve showed up for them.

               You also clearly don’t understand the crushing loneliness of long-time single hood when you desperately want a partner and children (and no, being a single mom by choice isnt an option for everyone).

            7. Such a funny response. It’s precisely because I’ve had multiple miscarriages that I think missing out on getting drunk in Charleston with your besties or whatever is not “super sh!tty.” And I don’t even think my experiences are “super sh!tty” compared to friends with metastatic breast cancer or parents who died early or who have been widowed or lost a living child. Perspective, friend.

            8. Or, because I have had actually hard and super sh!tty things in my life, I find celebrating the good times with loved ones to be all the more important.

               Missing out on that stuff stings because I was looking forward to having a normal, happy milestone.

            9. This is the not the suffering Olympics, you weirdo. It’s perfectly fine for people to be upset by different types of things. Some thoughts are inside thoughts.

            10. Look, “super sh!tty” is a vague phrase that could mean different things to different people. You didn’t need to assume she means this is one of the worst things life can throw one’s way, akin to, say, cancer. You just hopped on the opportunity to put someone down for sharing their feelings. The phrase “similar bridal experience” is also doing a lot of heavy lifting for you. You’re obscuring the actual issue, which is the emotional experience of inclusion, recognition, being celebrated, feeling special, rites of passage – not just “getting drunk with your friends.” Maybe you should do some reflection on why you feel the need to go out of your way to dismiss other people’s emotions and experiences.

            11. Yes – the sad part for me is that I feel less than because due to lofe circumstances I as an older bride dont get the visible support that my friends who got married earlier did.

            12. Presumably if you were TTC you had a partner you liked enough to TTC with. Thats more support than many singletons have

            13. Everyone is going to get rained on in life. But if you’re saying you’re “totally drenched” after a light summer shower, you’d better get a better umbrella before a monsoon shows up in your life. That’s all I’m saying.

   4. When I’m in a wedding I expect that I’ll have to pay for my dress but that h/mu is usually covered (or occasionally not but then we have the option).

      Now that most brides give a color dress (rather than a very specific one), I had a friend give us a $100 gift card to Birdy Gray to put towards our dress. She also covered hair and makeup.

      This was my favorite wedding to be in – a low key cabin bachlorette weekend (2 hours away for most of us!), local wedding, lots of latitude for dresses, shoes, accessories and hair and makeup.

      1. Thank you for this comment. This is exactly what I’m aiming for! Since it’s a specific dress and color, I’m leaning toward covering the cost of the dress. The bridal party are siblings, and being in the South, bridesmaids are pretty much a must. Instead of a big bachelorette weekend, we’re doing a spa day one Saturday that I’ll be covering. Honestly, I don’t care what earrings, shoes, or hair/makeup they choose. I’m the last of the group to get married, and none of us have kids yet.

         1. Have them all and have so much fun. This is such a wonderful time of life.

         2. That sounds like the best option in your situation. Enjoy!

         3. My vote is also to pay for the dress. Your bridesmaids may want to do their own hair and make-up.

   5. Do the dress, people can do their own hair and makeup. I always find getting makeup done to be kind of annoying. It’s expensive and not hard to apply yourself.

   6. Dress if you’re making them buy a specific dress. Or you could just tell them “navy cocktail length” and then provide the H/MU. Could you just swing covering hair and a cheaper dress? I think makeup is the least important for the bridesmaids if they can handle doing their own.

      1. I think this is good advice. If it’s a specific dress, then pay for the dresses and let them do their own H/MU if they want to or pay to have it done at their own cost, which you would tell them ahead of time.
         For me specifically, I’d rather have the dress paid for even if it’s a choose your own navy dress because I have a pixie cut and wear minimal makeup – so I’d do my own H/MU anyway.

         1. If you want them to buy a specific dress, you pay for it. if hair and make up is optional they pay for that themselves

   7. I mean, just give them $185 each and let them decide?

   8. I think I must be the only person here who likes being a bridesmaid?

      I feel honored every time I’m asked.

      1. Same here. I love it and miss it now that I’m at the family friend and relatives table for my former bridesmaids’ kids weddings! It was so much fun and I loved it. And it was expensive then too – I can’t believe you can still get a BM dress for under $200.

         1. Me too! I loved it. It was a privilege every time. Sometimes it was a bit of work, sometimes expensive, sometime a bit of a logistical pain, sometimes even an ugly dress….but so what. Always happy to be a part of it and glad I did it, despite the difficulties/practicalities/cost. Love those experiences and those friends.

      2. I like it too.

         And OP – I would pay for the dress. Some people (me included) are not into having hair and make up done.

      3. The people who hate it are just very loud – it is a bit like the people who hate weddings, bachelorettes, showers, etc. Some of them may have had bad experiences and some are just projecting based on Reddit threads (90% of which I am convinced are made up).

         In my circle, everyone was everyone else’s bridesmaid. We all bought our own dresses, many of us travelled at least some and we all gave up a couple of weekends. As far as I know nobody resented it – and I say that as the only unmarried woman in the group who knows they will not be able to reciprocate.

   9. Dress for sure! And then that may free up more people to use hair/MU if they want to.

   10. she did not ask whether or not to have bridesmaids….. people on here should learn to read.

       will this be your bridesmaid ‘gift’ to them? if so, i say hair & makeup. if not, then dress. most people know they will at least have to buy a dress, but depending on your friend group and age, people might opt out of hair/makeup if they were paying on their own.

       congrats on your wedding!

   11. Traditionally, bridesmaids pay for their own dress. $175 is a perfectly reasonable price for a dress. You’re not asking them to spring for couture. H/MU is a fun time for everyone to hang out and bond and is a great way to extend the festivities as well as make sure everyone is on time, so I vote that you pay for H/MU and let them pay for their own dress. When my daughter got married, we provided a massive fancy charcuterie spread and some breakfast-type pastries for the H/MU session, enough that it covered breakfast and lunch. The girls loved it, the time went really fast, they were fed and hydrated, and they looked amazing. I was shocked when she polled them about h/mu. These are all athletic, outdoorsey, low-frills young women, but when offered h/mu, they could not say yes fast enough. It was a highlight of the day.

       1. I so appreciate this comment. We’ll have a brunch set up for the girls + moms, so I like the idea of H/MU being provided as a gift!

       2. I would assume the bridesmaid would all come hang out while getting ready even if they are not getting their hair and make-up done professionally. That has always been my experience when I have been a bridesmaid.

       3. My experience is that the more low-frills a person, the more they like having their hair and makeup done for big events. Lots of my friends rarely do an evening makeup look or fancy updo, so they don’t feel like they know how. So they want it down for an event where they will be in a lot of pictures.

          My friends who do that stuff more often feel more comfortable doing their own.

   12. One more comment – I have reached the age where I am attending funerals of parents (and in one case spouse) of people whose weddings I attended as a guest or bridesmaid, which has really driven home that I will not have them forever. I am so incredibly grateful for the happy times I got to spend with these people!

   13. Just my two cents worth – dress, especially if professional makeup is optional. I wear makeup, everything from primer to eyeliner, but I don’t care for the “done” look on me. If it were me I’d rather just up my makeup game a little bit so as to look nice in photos and have my dress paid for instead. Your bridesmaids may swoon at the thought of a MUA though. You probably have a good feel for this. Me? I swoon over a lovely dress.

   14. Definitely dress, since that’s required and hair and makeup is optional.

10. If you are on a F500 legal team, on a scale of 1-10, how stressful is your job and why? I’m trying to get a sense of whether my situation is typical for a corporate role. I would rate mine an 8. There’s too much work to go around, and there is a lot of turnover.

    1. Currently lead a F200 legal team, and spent close to 30 years total in such law departments. if I had a nickel for every time I’ve been interviewing a law firm person who says they want to go in-house for better balance, I would have retired years ago. These jobs are hard; the volume of work can be overwhelming and the stress is real. I still like it better than law firm practice, but it is not a gravy train by any means. However, none of the companies I’ve worked for had a lot of turnover in the legal department and that is very troubling. That may indicate poor leadership in the department or at the company, but that is definitely a red flag that means your situation may be demonstrably worse than mine has been.

       1. +1 to all of this. I also think stress can be a state of mind. I’m busy but rarely stressed, those are different things. But the turnover is a big red flag that makes me think you’re dealing with externalities.

          1. +1 Also I love the way you say you’re busy but rarely stressed. That’s me one hundred percent.

    2. I’m in-house counsel but not at an F500. But we do have lots of turnover, and there is absolutely a reason for that (terrible leadership). There’s also too much work to go around, because we are understaffed, and the GC knows but does not care and appears to prefer it this way. The only reason I’m not stressed is because I handle litigation which is largely outsourced and I plan to leave so I’m not that invested or worried about things that are beyond my control.

    3. I’m an individual contributor in a F500 legal department. Previously spent 7 years at a large firm.

       I would say my job is not stressful and isn’t really usually that busy, either. I am full time but probably spend about 25 hours a week “head down” working. I have an incredible work-life balance which is why, even if my job were to become boring or repetitive to me at some point, I’d be hard pressed to leave it. I feel really lucky because I know not all in-house jobs are like mine. My base pay is fine, nothing crazy, but my all-in comp is quite good. The one thing I wish were more generous is PTO (or ability to buy more PTO), but we do have unlimited sick days.

11. How much do you decorate for the holidays? My huband takes care of the lights outdoors; I put up a wreath on the front door and we have a tree, but other than that, I have no desire to decorate the house, even though I own plenty of green garland and Christmas-y knick knacks. Combination of burn out and being at the point where I’ve decorated the house in a way I really like, and inserting new holiday themed items just looks and feels jarring. Curious how many are more like me, or go all out? We are empty nesters; entertain family at the holidays but no big bash.

    1. We do outdoor lights, a tree, and a christmas village on our dining room buffet. I also put out a few vases with pretty ornaments in them (we have cats, all delicate ornaments need to be ‘displayed’ vs. on the tree about to be cat toys).

       1. This is our second Christmas with our kittens and we’re so nervous/excited to see how they do, especially with the tree. Last year, they had only been with us for a few weeks when the tree went up, so I think they were too skittish to mess with it much. Now they’re feeling at home and they’re about 1.5 years old. So far they’ve just been sniffing it. Fingers crossed.

    2. It depends on the year. Usually we put out porch wreaths and an indoor Christmas tree. Some years are just hard and we string lights at our door window and call it a day.

       1. +1, depends on the year, my energy levels, how much time we spend at home, both to decorate and enjoy the decor. My minimal effort is a tree, shortly after Thanksgiving.

    3. Outdoor lights, tree, and then some small touches that replace other decor – don’t know what took me so long to realize this, but I store the normal decor in the bins for Christmas stuff in the interim. Like the clear pitcher I normally have sitting on the sideboard was replaced by one of those wooden carousels that spin by candle heat, and I swap our normal hand towels for holiday. So it’s not a net addition of stuff, just a short term swap.

    4. We do a tree, put our Christmas cards up on an arched door way, have an exterior weather. I would like to do more inside but our house is very small and frankly already feels a bit overloaded with just a tree and there’s not a good place for a garland or other Christmas knick knacks.

    5. Depends on the year but I don’t do Knick knacks, I just add a lot of touches to things like bows on sconces and candlesticks. I love a tree, I hang wreaths all over. It’s more things on the walls or existing things than new stuff.

    6. We put out easily strung outdoor lights on our front porch (there are cup hooks that we can reach without a ladder), and easily strung indoor lights (literally just a strand draped over the picture window curtain rod). I do put out cozy throw blankets to make winter lounging more comfortable, but nothing overtly holiday-themed beyond the lights. Knick knacks are not my style.

    7. You do you. It’s ok to be in a quiet chapter. Christmas is a big deal for us, so we really get the house dressed. (Rarely does that mean knick-knacks, though I have some; it more means fresh greenery tucked everywhere and bowls of glass balls.) My husband grew up in a house that was fully done for each holiday, so he will actually gladly get out the box(es) of decoration for every season because he enjoys the decor. He’s a good sport.

    8. Outdoor lights, wreath on door, tree, garland on banister, nativity scene on side table, some decor with stockings on mantle, and Christmas themed throw pillow covers. But I have 3 elementary aged kids. I could definitely see myself scaling back if it was just DH and I.

       Also doesn’t have to be the same every year. You can keep it low key this year and go all out next year. There are no rules.

    9. I am a firm believer in not owning/holding onto Christmas decorations that I don’t use, so that motivates me to use all the knickknacks, plates, vignettes, etc. I just kind of strew it across every flat surface on our first level and call it good, so it’s pretty low effort. But I have kids at home, so it’s largely for them.

    10. We decorate a lot (multiple trees, garlands, outdoors, christmas bedding, etc.). Aesthetic is very much the old school – green, red, plaid, lots of glass ornaments – what is now being called Ralph Lauren Christmas. We haven’t bought that much new stuff in years, apart from a few ornaments a year.

    11. It varies every year. This year we are going to be home for the whole season so we’re kind of going all out — have switched out the everyday dishes for the holiday set, gotten out all the holiday knick knacks, and have one big, one small, and one tiny tree. No outside lights though because I don’t want my husband climbing on a ladder and I’m too cheap to pay somebody to do it.

    12. Tree, mantle, wreaths on the doors and front windows, runner for the dining room table, and mini versions of that ceramic tree from the 70s as nightlights in a couple of visible sockets. This year, we’re starting a Lego holiday village. I think it’ll go on the dining room table.

        We also just inherited a train set to go around the tree, but we didn’t put that up this year. DH needs to go through it and see what works, what needs cleaning/repairs, and that felt like a heavy lift for this year.

    13. We do the same. We have grapevine wreathes that we reuse and retrim. And put out some massive exterior lanterns with candles and add some poinsettias on years we host. And have a couple of sofa pillows we swap out. But that’s it, I don’t like the onslaught of faux greenery or the sap from real greenery inside and prefer to focus on having a really festive table setting and fresh flowers.

    14. I’ve got three young kids but it’s still mostly for me I think. Outside lights, two big trees inside, one smaller silver tree, each bedroom has lights and a ceramic tree, two Christmas villages with 6-10 buildings each, Christmas Lego sets, various wall hangings, Christmas dishes and glasses, and various other small touches. I also go reasonably big for fall/Halloween so the “everyday” decor gets packed away the end of August and comes back in January.

    15. It’s been a hard couple of years and it’s just me in the house. Last year it was nothing and I didn’t like it. It was sad. This year it’s a wreath on the door, a swag with bow on the mailbox, a pretty basic tree, and just a handful of my Christmas things set out. Honestly just for me I probably could have managed with just the tree. I love the glow from tiny white lights in a dim room. It’s one of my happy places.

    16. We don’t do outside lights because we’re in an apartment and also have just never gotten around to getting them. Would like to at some point, but probably not until we’ve moved somewhere that doesn’t feel temporary. We do a tree (real) and stockings that I’ve knitted. Was gifted a nativity this year, and my husband took it upon himself to make a snowy windowsill train scene that’s really nice.

    17. I do not personally find much enjoyment in holiday decorating – I’m a minimalist by nature and I avoid clutter. But DH though… this man would give Chevy Chase a run for his money for all holidays, both outside and inside the house. We are the house with the creative Halloween skeleton display, all the trees wrapped for Christmas (25 large oaks), all the table displays. I secretly think it’s ugly, but for some reason it brings DH joy, so sign me up for the 27 decorative reindeer and their matching elves.

        1. Same. I am indifferent about decorating my own home. But others love it and I do love that they get so much joy out of it and I enjoy seeing how friends and family decorate.

        2. Ha. You just brought up an old memory. At my first Christmas season at my first house, I did notice the neighbors outdoor decorating activities, but by no means did I grasp the magnitude of his endeavor. He was busy working away at it when my parents picked me up for a meal out. Apparently he finished while we were out eating and lit ‘er up. When my parents were bringing me home and turned onto my block, my June Cleaver-ish mother said “holy shit”. Chevy Chase would not have been out of place.
           It was…festive in the extreme.

12. I start my first associate attorney job next week at a small boutique DR firm. Any and all advice appreciated!!

    1. Snarky answers that aren’t actually the kind of advice you’re looking for:

       Don’t wear crop tops. And think twice before you decorate your office with fuzzy pink pillows and fuzzy pink blankets and pink twinkle lights. It’s an office, not a dorm room.

       Real things seen with my own eyes.

       1. oh, genuinely helpful advice I remember from my first job: carry a pen and pad with you everywhere to take notes. You never know when someone’s going to give you instructions you need to write down. I still do this to this day because of the grouchy fella who told me 25 years ago. Even if you don’t use them, it makes it look like you’re prepared and paying attention.

       2. Truth. I spent the past couple of months looking anywhere but a certain person’s belly. Spare me.

    2. For the first few projects, follow up with the assigning attorney the day after you get an assignment to go over questions and how you’re thinking about completing it. It’s much better to catch issues early on in a project than later when you’re turning it in. And you may not know enough to ask the right questions when the project is being assigned.

    3. Responsiveness will be the first thing that defines your value to your superiors. Make it a priority.

       1. And “acknowledge receipt” of e-mails!

          “Tina, I’m sending you this new ruling to read because it impacts our practice area.”

          It’s good to start with “Thanks for forwarding. I will review it.” And then do just what you said you were doing. #1 grips from partners and clients is that they have no idea if you got / read / realize what they are communicating to you. Tell them you got it, that you’re on it (if needed), and even if you can’t answer a question, let them know that you’re looking into it / are tied up at an off-site / whatever so they aren’t just hanging.

          1. This!!! Responsiveness is the #1 complaint I hear.

             And deadlines matter. I do not care if you do not think you need to get me that draft the week before it has to be filed. Barring an actual emergency, do not miss deadlines. I promise I did not make up that date.

    4. Batch your questions…the advice above is correct. Think about how you will start a project, then start thinking through the roadblocks. Ask the questions at the outset and then after you’ve been working on it a day or two.

       Always ask for a deadline. Even if one is not explicitly stated out loud, people have one in their mind.

       If you have competing deadlines, do not try to keep your head down and kill yourself if that’s likely not possible or workable. Raise your hand early and state, “I am also working on Y; I foresee a conflict with Z.”

       If you think a think will take an hour, when you’re new, it will likely take longer than you think, so build in buffers. And do not cut your own time–that’s for partners to do.

       GL!

13. BigLaw partners — what are we giving our legal administrative assistance and paralegals for the holidays? Specifically: How much cash? I’m in the NYC tristate area, but curious what is happening in other markets, too.

    1. IDK what we are doing but now admins have 8 people vs just 2-3. I do 1000 for my admin (8 people paying in though). It is frustratingly opaque.

       1. OP here, yes this is also my experience. I was thinking the same amount, so all good there.

    2. I have been a senior para and an associate in biglaw. Partners used to pay $1000+ if they had a dedicated assistant. If it was more of a team situation, splitting a bit more than that (like $500 each for three folks). I knew one partner who would buy his assistant a handbag of her choice up to $3K, but this was not normal–she had been with him for decades and really liked purses!

       For paralegals, they expect a bonus from the firm, but a gift card of $100-200 (or more if they are a dedicated paralegal just to you) and a heartfelt note (do not forget the note–paras sacrifice a lot and don’t get paid biglaw money like associates to blow up their lives). Please don’t give a paralegal a $20 bottle of wine. It doesn’t land well, even if the sentiment is there.

       1. OP here, I have the world’s best paralegal and she gets $1k cash from me.

14. Hi all – looking for help on a Secret Santa gift! It’s for a relatively new friend in a group of moms I met through our kids’ school. We’ve been hanging out for about a year and see each other frequently at social events and the playground, but I don’t know her super-well. Price limit is $75. All participants involved are pretty well-off. I don’t really know about any hobbies, but do know she travels about 1x/month for work. We live in a city and walk our kids to school/spend a lot of time outside. Any ideas for a gift that feels thoughtful and fun?

    1. I’d do a diptyque candle.

       1. you could do a small one with a candle warmer. or a nod pod

       2. This sounds perfect.

    2. If she walks her kids to school, Bala Bangles may be a great! My 20-somethings and I all have these on our wish lists for our weekend walk and talks. Target sells them!

       1. I know people who would interpret this as a snarky commentary on their weight or fitness levels.

          1. I appreciate this response. I didn’t even think about that when I wrote it!

    3. My go-to is a small size fondue set, with a note that it makes for a fun stay-in date night.

    4. A nice cold weather scarf

       1. +1. Years ago, a colleague who I had only known a few months unexpectedly gave me a nice and extremely thoughtful gift. So, I ran out to Nordstrom that evening and found a cashmere scarf on sale in a color I hoped she would like (the good news was that she seemed to love it because she wore it often but if she had not, she could have exchanged it).

    5. Fancy chocolates, fancy jams, or similar. Doesn’t take up any room in the house after being consumed and can be shared.

15. Holiday fashion quandary…what would you wear to a holiday party in a shoe-free household? I WFH and am excited for an opportunity to step it up a bit, but at a loss because shoes tend to be an important part of my outfits (both for style and height/fit). Any ideas?

    1. I don’t wear shoes inside my house (for comfort), but I can’t stand when people enforce it on others!

       If you’re having a big party you’re going to vacuum/mop the next day anyways…

       1. Agreed. At least the hosts let them know ahead of time. I once showed up for a holiday party in sparkly (closed toe) heels and was surprised to have to remove them. I was really embarrassed walking around barefoot when I hadn’t had a pedicure or repainted my toe nails in months. And cold! Heels dont provide a ton of warmth but at least your bare foot isn’t directly on cold tile. It’s so, so rude to make people that uncomfortable in your home.

       2. Same!

    2. Take a pair of sleek smoking slippers to step into once you remove your shoes. Something that meshes well with your holiday outfit.

    3. People in shoe feee houses shouldn’t have holiday parties there.

       1. +1. Asking guests to remove their shoes is horrible etiquette. If you want to be shoe-free on a day-to-day basis, knock yourself out. But you can’t enforce it on guests.

    4. I am a shoe-free house.** Everyone is going to look a little less dressy because they’re not going to have on fancy shoes. Bring your own slippers – whether that’s your regular slippers or some fun holiday slippers that look like Santa or whatever. Or wear your favorite fuzzy or holiday socks. Kinda lean into the playful side of a party, even if your outfit otherwise says chic.

       **And to the snarky poster above, I dont host parties. So no one has to be concerned about that.

    5. I really don’t get what having a shoe free house has to do with hosting. Everyone knows that everyone will be a little less dress-y. No one I know in real life has an issue with this but I am perplexed by the discourse online. Even the repairman who came last week had shoe covers ready and quickly put them on, no fuss.

       1. You can’t wear shoe covers on heels.

       2. I think the pro shoes indoors people don’t live somewhere with snow so they don’t understand how disgusting tromping in salty dirty puddles is.

    6. I’d wear whatever you normally like, but I’d have a fun/festive pair of holiday fleece socks to don when I arrive, maybe even with a jingle bell! Get fun with it!

    7. Bad feet, so I use an indoor shoe. Glitter crocs? They are so comfy.

    8. Just bring indoor shoes to change into?

       1. Not everyone has indoor shoes though. I wear my slippers to run out and get the mail or meet a delivery.

    9. Thanks, all! Slippers or fun socks it is :)

    10. Depends on what you mean by shoe-free household!

        I live in a shoe-free country (really! It’s normal to remove your shoes at an open house viewing, e.g), but what that actually means is no outdoor shoes. You can bring indoor shoes to change into, or wear socks. In colder old houses, you might be offered slippers or thick woolen socks.

        If the party is at a slippers indoor house, I would wear nice velvet slippers, or fancy socks in a mesh or net fabric.

        1. +1. We remind people about the shoes, and suggest fun holiday socks. We have a diverse family and friend group and no one is phased by this.

16. I’ve been getting more confident in my baking skills this year and trying to create a custom Christmas menu, and figured I’d try cinnamon rolls from scratch. They look amazing and I’m willing to chill overnight, but don’t want to make them, chill, then have to let them rise multiple times. When I pull them out in the morning I want to bake them so they’re ready when presents are done.

    Any easy first timer cinnamon roll recipes I should try? Backup is the Pillsbury tube lol.

    1. Wishing you good luck. I’m an experienced baker who has never mastered yeast. I kill the poor wee beasties with water too hot or cold every time. If I wanted something cinnamon roll-like, I might search up something like a cinnamon roll French toast bake.

       1. Pro tip: Use your instant read thermometer to test your water when baking.

       2. I don’t think you can kill them with too cold water. They will just be slow to get going. I have definitely struggled with too warm water though.

       3. Cold water doesn’t kill yeast (in fact, I buy yeast in bulk and store it in my deep freezer with no ill effects). Cold water might mean the rise takes longer, but it won’t harm the yeast.

       4. If you put a teensy tiny pinch of sugar in with your yeast and warm water, you will know right away if the yeast is active. It will start bubbling and becoming foamy and you’ll know its good to use.

          If the yeast granules just float around in the warm water, or drift to the bottom, then you’ve got bad yeast. Start over, don’t use.

          1. Oh, and I’m sure you all know this, but the water temperature needs to be the same as body temp. Test a little on your wrist. If it feels cold, it’s not warm enough. If it feels hot, it needs to cool down.

             Or use a thermometer. (I don’t have one.)

             1. What a great simple recommendation. Thank you for sharing.

    2. Pioneer Woman’s cinnamon roll recipe never fails. It makes a ton, so consider halving it if you’re just baking for your family. 1000x beter than the canned. You will never go back. You can do all the prep the day before and pop them in the oven in the morning. I add a couple of tablespoons of brewed black coffee to the glaze sometimes, but the maple flavoring in the recipe is also excellent.

    3. The only one I have actually tried is Bravetart’s, and she gives pretty clear directions on how to prep the night before. I THINK you can bake them pretty much as soon as the oven preheats, but double check –
       https://www.seriouseats.com/bravetart-homemade-cinnamon-rolls-recipe

       1. PS – I also like looking at the Pancake Princess’ bake-offs to compare recipes and get general guidance – https://www.thepancakeprincess.com/best-cinnamon-roll-bake-off/

          You could also try something like this, which uses baking powder instead of yeast (technically more of a biscuit maybe): https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/no-yeast-cinnamon-rolls/

    4. Erin Jean McDowell just posted her cinnamon roll recipe on youtube. Would also recommend Stella Parks (look on serious eats). Both require a stand mixer.

    5. All Recipes has one called Clone of a Cinnabon. The most helpful review has a tip for making the night before and having it rise in the morning. You do not need a breadmaker as the recipe requires. It’s easy to do by hand.

    6. I like Smitten Kitchen’s cinnamon rolls for this: https://smittenkitchen.com/2024/09/easiest-cinnamon-rolls/

    7. I like the King Arthur Cinna-buns; I modify it for an overnight rise in the fridge and then bake in the AM. Their recipes have never let me down (they have other cinnamon bun ones as well). If you want a no-yeast recipe that doesn’t require rising, the NYT has a good one; it’s delicious hot but then does taste more like biscuits the next day. but better than Pillsbury and very easy! I’ll link in another comment.

       1. king arthur: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/cinna-buns-recipe
          NYT no rise/no yeast: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1022842-easy-no-yeast-cinnamon-rolls

    8. https://sallysbakingaddiction.com/overnight-cinnamon-rolls/

       1. +1 these are amazing.

    9. I am using this recipe for my New Year’s Day open house: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/soft-cinnamon-rolls-recipe

       1. https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/perfectly-pillowy-cinnamon-rolls-recipe

          This is my favorite, which I think is very similar, just a smaller batch.

    10. I really like the Pioneer Woman’s cinnamon roll recipe. They are tried and tested by me. They do take a lot of time due to the double rises, but the recipe and the steps provided make it a very easy recipe to follow. One recipe makes a large amount, so I have gifts to give or treats to freeze for a later occasion. Her advice to use disposable pie pans also works surprisingly well.

    11. One thought if you’re already ok with the Pillsbury tube is just to do the online ‘hack’ of adding extra heavy cream/extra cinnamon sugar to the baking dish.
        I’m a very experienced baker and I make bread frequently but refuse to do cinnamon rolls any longer, the cutting and rolling is a PITA and always annoys me. In fairness, we also make rugelach as part of our holiday cookies and that uses up my patience with roll up cookies for the season!

    12. When I make cinnamon buns the night before, I chill/proof them in our sun room, so that it isn’t as cold as the fridge, allowing a slow rise.

17. How do you handle kitschy gifts from colleagues when those gifts are not at all your style? Like, my office decor is modern and minimal and a colleague recently gave me a nicely framed, sparkly, motivational Disney poster.

    Personally, I very much dis-enjoy the mass consumerism of Disney but feel obligated to display this since she really is a lovely person and the gesture was kindly meant. Can I just place things like this out for a short period of time and then do a spring cleaning where they get packed away? Is there a more gracious way to handle this?

    1. Tell her it looks amazing in your home office, and donate it.

       1. This. “I have the perfect place at home for this, thank you.”

          1. +1

          2. Yup.

       2. 100%

       3. Oh this is such a good idea. When my cat died last year, my supervisor gave me this weird cat-shaped candle holder, and it has been sitting in my work office ever since. Maybe I now have the perfect place for it at home…

       4. That seems like a Bonus if you can send her a photo of it displayed at home. After that, you can do what you want

    2. yeah, resist the obligation to display this at your office! Also what a choice to gift this to an adult.

       1. Agree with everything here, including what an odd choice for a gift. If you happen to have kids, you can add that your kids will really like it, so you took it home so they see it too! And then donate or let your kids have it if that part was true.

       2. Yes – I hope it is a small poster?! At first I was thinking big but now I hope it was like 12”x9” or smaller?

18. Currently at a tech company that was formerly F500 and close again. It’s the most stressful job I’ve had outside of the law firm (9). Resources are stretched really thin as we are working toward continued profitability. Raises are basically non-existent as well since we are fully remote, and the market sucks. Leadership knows they can take advantage of people in this market. Upside is that I work with a ton of smart people on the business side that I really like and work in an an evolving area of law. I used to work at a F500 bank. It was stressful there (6-7), but not nearly the level of what I experience now, so I chalk it up to the fact that I am in tech now.

19. If you want them to buy a specific dress, you pay for it. if hair and make up is optional they pay for that themselves

20. Can anyone post a gift link for this article? Thank you!

    https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/26/opinion/thanksgiving-family-fighting.html?smid=url-share

    1. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/26/opinion/thanksgiving-family-fighting.html?unlocked_article_code=1.7E8.XUmI.4tEuL28kESJX&smid=url-share

    2. Yikes that article was dreadful

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