Coffee Break: Cologne Intense Collection

98 Comments

1. Oh, this is a nice pick! I have a sample of the Red Hibiscus and I really love it. The intense line has much more staying power than the regular Eau de Cologne Jo Malone line. My favorite of the intense collection is probably Scarlet Poppy. I like that it has those deeper base notes that stick around, but don’t project much, so it’s still a very personal/not shouty fragrance.

   1. I never realized Scarlet Poppy was part of an intense line – I splurged on a bottle because I liked it in the store, but never wear it because it has no staying power (on me). I’d be willing to sell it on if you or anyone else is interested!

2. I am getting married next year a mountain venue that is 30 mins from downtown where most folks would be staying. Since it is a slightly remote area, we would like to provide shuttle transportation though it’s not a critical need (just something I’d like to offer). I was lamenting the quotes I was getting to a colleague who mentioned that several acquaintances had great success with hiring local university students (licensed and insured) to drive rented vehicles for less than a shuttle.

   This appeals to me for a few reasons:
   1. We would be able to provide at least two departure times from the venue for those who would like to depart earlier vs. one time with a shuttle.
   2. The downtown area has two very reputable schools (one is a military academy) that each have programs where students operate shuttles throughout town already.
   3. We would be able to pay students well and feed them for less than the cost of the shuttle.
   Additional Details:
   1. We would rent vehicles in our name and add them as drivers.
   2. We would have them sign a contract (as a former student, students can be flaky!)

   Is this an insane idea? If not, what would be a fair hourly rate? Roundtrip is an hour.

   1. This is very state dependent. When I previously worked in the automotive industry drivers under 25 either had to pay (a lot extra) for special risk insurance, or some companies just outright banned anyone under 25 from driving rented vehicles. Doing this legally is probably harder than you think and you’re opening yourself up to a lot of risk.

      1. +1 that I don’t see how employing students to drive (and sorting out insurance for them as your employees, workers’ comp, etc) is going to be cheaper/easier than a shuttle company. It’s worth a call to your insurance agent to price it out, though.

         I think it’s great (and the responsible thing to do, given the circumstances) to provide a shuttle and have more than one shuttle time. I’d probably cut something else in order to hire the shuttle companies.

      2. Yea, this was my first thought. Is there enough of an Uber/Lyft population in the town that you could do Uber or Lyft vouches instead (I have no idea if this would be cheaper than a shuttle)? Though personally I’d pay for the shuttle–I think that’s pretty much a requirement for venues far from lodging.

         1. As someone who did provide shuttles at her wedding, strong disagree that shuttles are expected. As a guest, I look to see if they are provided, sometimes take them and sometimes don’t, but definitely not something I would expect is mandatory for a wedding! (In my personal case, I would not be interested in taking a shuttle driven by a student, but would just opt out by renting my own car and driving myself!)

            1. They’re 100% expected IMO, unless you’re in a walkable city and hotels are walkable to the venue.

            2. Agree. I would expect a shuttle. If you are serving alcohol, it’s sort of an expectation.

   2. I don’t think the contracts would be enforceable. And if they did flake, you don’t want whatever damages you put in the contract, you want the transportation, so I don’t see how the contracts would even protect you.

   3. The quotes you are getting are the cost of outsourcing the risk of liability for guests or drivers getting injured.

      If you are feeding the students, how are you planning on making sure they don’t sneak a drink during the reception? Or that they abide by traffic rules? A contract alone won’t do anything as these students are all likely to be judgment proof.

      1. Yeah, I would probably be inclined to just used the licensed shuttle transportation companies.

         Also, I am “old” now, but it used to be virtually impossible for someone under age 25 to rent a car or be added as an additional driver. Is that no longer a thing?

      2. Agree with this. You are paying for offloading the liability.

         1. This. Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish. It’s a terrible idea to take on any of the risk associated with driving people around. Pay the shuttle service to take on all of that liability. Signed, a lawyer.

   4. This is terrific idea. I work at a college and this would be a great gig for students.

      That said, you’ll want to get in touch with the colleges and go through the details. They’ll have their own rules about payment, licensing, etc. The kids will likely accept tips and food, too, which is a nice touch. And just make sure you understand how the liability for anything works, too.

      1. Yes, if this is a place where this kind of thing is common, I’d try and go through the college. They may already have a pool of students who are shuttle drivers and willing to take this kind of job.

      2. How on Earth is it the college’s responsibility to work out liability?

   5. ehhh this could go fine but if it goes sideways it is a BIG sideways. Like who cares what your contractual remedy is if the student doesn’t show up – you have guests with no great way to get to your wedding. Or worse, back from it.

   6. You have enough to do on your wedding without managing this.

   7. House Mountain Inn?

      My first step would be to ask the venue. They might be able to have employees drive, and that’s less risk than student drivers. They might even have their own shuttle.

      Second move would be to consider asking some very close guests if they would be willing to drive a larger vehicle. Pay for the rental yourself. I think people are usually happy to drive fellow guests.

      I would be hesitant to have student drivers for all the reasons mentioned above. That said, if I did happen to guess the venue correctly, you would be dealing with a different type of student, and some of the risks (ie flaking) are much lower than they would be.

      1. I really hate venues like that where there aren’t enough accomodations for all guests, its rude that some guests have the luxury of staying on premise and the have-nots must travel.

      2. What guest is willing to drive home from a wedding? Let alone be the DD

         1. She already said that many of them are driving.

      3. Nope! Not sure where that is but I like the name.

         And thanks all for your input. It does seem more involved than maybe it’s worth. Also my fiancé said the same thing – there’s already a lot to manage.

   8. This feels insane. A nonprofit I was involved with hired transport busses with professional drivers and the first company gave us fraudulent insurance certificates. We went with another with the right insurance, and we were super glad we did – you guessed it, the professional backed into someone in the parking lot and there was a claim. After that, I would NEVER hire nonprofiessionals, and I scrutinize insurance certs for the pro’s knowing they want to avoid these costs too.

   9. 30 min commute + remote area (so I’m guessing no Uber) – you NEED to provide transportation.

      1. I said not needed because the venue owners said it’s 50/50 whether couples provide transport. I would like to though

   10. I don’t think it’s insane to think about using students, but you’ll need someone to manage getting the vehicles, making sure the students show up, etc., etc. And making them sign a contract may or may not be of any use – they’d be pretty judgment proof if they flaked out.

       1. If I’m correct about the location of the wedding (posted at 4:03 pm), the contracts would actually have teeth: the students could theoretically get kicked out of school for not showing up.

          1. Wow. Signing that kind of contract with a 19yo wouldn’t appeal to me, not being perfect myself.

             1. Look, “mountain top venue that’s ~30 minutes from a military academy and another well-regarded school” just screams House Mountain, near VMI and W&L.

                Both VMI and W&L have quite strict student conduct codes. It isn’t about “being perfect” – you’re being cute by saying that. If I’m not mistaken, Traveller (the W&L safe ride van) is actually staffed and operated by students. They can do that because the conduct codes ensure that if you say you will show up to work, sober, at 10 pm on a Friday night, you’re going to do so.

             2. I appreciate the compliment, sweetie pie!

             3. Have a muffin. It will make you happier.

             4. I’m so happy you love me so much, Your Majesty!

   11. is this Tahoe? I would not want to be in a car with a kid on some of those hills.

3. Has anyone gotten a divorce to put yourself first? I’m so tired of taking care of my husband. He’s not malicious but he’s selfish, he will eat the last piece of cake without asking, he will go for a run whatever time without consideration for premade plans, he will start laundry when I’m in the shower etc. My husband will never change, he’s not the type of person to magically develop some consideration and think of the impacts his actions have on others. I’m tired of having to fight for consideration and I think I just want to be alone. He just makes my every day worse.

   Does this resonate with anyone?

   1. it’s not why i got divorced but it is absolutely why i broke up with someone. sounds like youre “done.” you don’t need a bunch of strangers telling you it’s the right decision, you know it is!

   2. That’s valid. He’s acting as an individual, not as a partner.

   3. I divorced over cheating, but getting rid of someone who valued only himself, not me, not our day to day life together, and not our relationship, on a daily basis, did so much to improve the quality of my life. If you knew me in person it would probably surprise you to learn that I was just run over in my marriage. But pushing back for space and priority of my own resulted in such misery that I just went along in that marriage, wishing I could find a way out that wouldn’t start World War 3. The day I received irrefutable hard proof of his cheating was a very good day.

      Every.Single.Thing. was about him. Every hour of every day. It took so much out of me. Post divorce I am back to my normal confident self and am able to value and prioritize myself. It was like finding “me” again.

   4. I can’t tell if you are blowing off steam or really and truly fed up. I think a lot of women who notice everything and think through everything end up in “opposites attract” relationships with men who are much more chill but also more generally oblivious. There are flip-sides to that coin (would I really and truly like the more considerate version of my husband or would that irritate me too in some other way?). But if he still chooses himself selfishly when he has thought through the impact of his actions on others, that would hurt me more, especially in a broader context of neglect. My husband can be oblivious (go for a run at whatever time without consideration for premade plans is so familiar!), but when he’s actually paying attention he does put me first, so I don’t feel like I’m just a forgotten or extraneous part of his life.

      1. I’m really fed up. I would happy cry if I could clone myself, I dream of coming home to dinner magically on the table. He’s done considerate things for me twice and both times they were on days I had planned to ask for a divorce so he either has tabs in my devices or is at least intuned enough with my emotions to realize when something big is going to happen.

         1. So why are you wasting time here? Just call a lawyer.

         2. If you’ve been at the point of saying “I am going to divorce you” twice, and then pulled back, then this is a long-term situation that you’ve been thinking about for a while.

            Would you benefit from therapy for yourself? I’m wondering if there’s a lot more to the story/dysfunction than you’ve mentioned here and you need someone IRL to talk with about this.

         3. This sounds pretty bad and like the opposite of oblivious if he got it together when he sensed you were really upset. I’m sorry it’s been like this long enough that you’re this fed up and that you’ve reached this point twice before.

   5. I left a 7 year relationship where we lived together once it was clear his priorities were him, then us, then me. Us/me were very distant 2nd and 3rd places.
      It took me way to long to realize that no amount of effort or communication could change that about him.
      Being alone was so much better and gave me space to work on myself so I don’t repeat the parts of the relationship I owned. I never felt so alone as when I was living with him.

   6. 100%. A lot of women wish they could do this but for various reasons they can’t leave. If you can, leaving will improve your life immeasurably.

   7. You do not need a justification to break up with someone. You do not need anyone to agree that you’re right. If the relationship is not what you want, end it, and live your life.

      I wish you the best.

      I will never, ever forget the freeing feeling of my always-angry-at-me ex leaving our home and never coming back. One of the best days of my life. Zero regrets except that I put up with it for far too long!

   8. Yes girl. I’m single and it’s great. No one actively makes my life harder for me.

      1. Amen sister! Being single is so underrated!

   9. One of my sayings is “no one is actually that dumb.”

      Sure, everyone misses some things here and there, and we all keep learning as we age (hopefully). The problem arises when some basic s–t has been explained, several times, in small words, and lands on deaf ears.

      That’s actually not a fixable problem. My concern for you is that you will end up divorced anyway; it will just happen when your life goes to hell and he’s not there for you, or when he finds someone else.

      My suggestion? Find yourself a good divorce attorney now. If you feel the need to shoot one last shot across his bow, do so; otherwise, understand that he knows what he’s doing and just doesn’t care.

      1. +1

         Men like this are a nightmare. You can talk to them until you’re blue in the face, but they don’t care about anyone other than themselves.

   10. If he makes every day worse, that is more than enough reason to divorce.

   11. Essentially yes
       I did “everything” for year that made sense because my jobs made less money, were part-time, husband was going through a tough time that he needed to recover from by writing novels and walking… I got a job that required hours and presence and could husband now… plan meals? No. Do laundry? No. Take care of kids? Barely. Plan a vacation? No. Arrange for appliances to be repaired? No. Pay for this to be done? No? Stop resenting me for doing it all and feeling resentful? Nope. We stopped communicating. Maybe our fifth marriage counselor would save us. Maybe we were already gone. Divorce is expensive but worth it.

       Husband’s religion believes marriage is forever even after death. I looked around and was like, this is not the marriage I want for eternity

   12. This reads like you’ve made a decision and are placing the blame for it on these mild stimuli more than that these mild stimuli are actually fueling the decision. You should probably divorce him anyway since that’s what your gut is telling you, but I’d get really clear in therapy on why you’re actually divorcing him as you do that.

   13. Yes. After leaving my last relationship I released I had so much more peace being alone. I thought my partner shared the division of labor but without him, the house is so much cleaner, there is less laundry to do, I can make/eat whatever I want for dinner, and things are so much easier. Without the fog of attachment, I realized that I was much more considerate to him than he was to me. Being single is so underrated—especially for women. Do it! Create and curate a beautiful life for you to enjoy that is not being undermined.

   14. You describe my friend’s husband. Could be described as “not a bad guy, just clueless” (about so, so much). Then she got cancer. Her female friends rallied around her while he “fell apart” because the diagnosis was frightening and watching her suffer through treatment was “so hard”. Her treatment didn’t go well so she had to have major surgery. He left her during the surgery – literally, day of, while she was under. Cleaned out their cash, moved out of the home, took everything but her actual personal possessions. She didn’t know until we took her home from the hospital because unfortunately his not visiting her at all while she was in-patient at the hospital did not raise any red flags based on his prior behavior. No furniture in the home, just her clothes, some boxes of stuff, some random kitchen stuff, very little food.
       He still tells people he left his wife because she became high-maintenance.
       We still remind people – every single time his name is mentioned – that he left his wife because she got cancer and he couldn’t be bothered to care for her.

       If he won’t care about you when you are healthy, it is unlikely that his level of care will improve when you need it most.

       1. And yet, some people on the morning thread act like it’s easy to avoid marrying the wrong person.

          1. It actually is. We all ignore signs because we see what we want to see. Listen to that little voice that tells you something is off.

             1. There isn’t always a little voice. That’s the point.

             2. Nope, hard disagree, there is always a sign. We are conditioned to ignore it.

             3. A lot of people’s little voice tells them something is off whether something is or not about 100% of people. It’s not as simple as being able to look back and think there were signs. There were probably signs in cases where the guy turned out to be a saint as well, but we forget because we were just wrong. It would be great if this were in our control, but it starts to sound like victim blaming to keep saying that it is.

                And people don’t just show who they were all along in a crisis. Often they choose who they want to be going forward.

          2. Sometimes it is. You can just not get married. If the guy isn’t fantastic, if you have any reservations, if he is “not a bad guy, just clueless,’ you can just not marry him.

       2. Holy crap. She should write a tell-all book about this and name his name! That is horrific.

       3. Dang! That is heartbreaking.

          1. I’ve read more than once that oncology nurses often have a little talk with their married female patients to make sure they have support systems other than their husbands, because this is just so, so common. Sadly.

       4. I actually had a cancer scare! (Luckily turned out to be a chronic non life threatening condition). He gave me the silent treatment when I got the good news because ‘it was so stressful when everything was about [me]’

          1. Omg. Friend. Divorce him immediately please.

          2. Once you’re divorced there will be so many moments you look back on and think “Why didn’t I leave him then?” and this one is obviously one of those. But clearly there are many to choose from. What are you waiting for?

          3. OMFG pack your bags and go! This is insane.

             As for “why didn’t I leave him then?” — it’s a process. I will tell you I left twice and went back before I finally made it stick, and both times I found myself thinking afterwards, “If I’d stuck to my guns a year ago, I’d be well into my new life by now and things would be so much better.” When I finally ran away from home, it was awful at first but I kept telling myself “a year from now everything will be so much better,” and by golly I was right!

             1. That was me, BTW. It’s not going to get better — start your new life now!

          4. Please leave him. I believe that marriage is for life and I’m begging you to leave him.

       5. Jfc, that is awful. Keep dragging this man’s name through the mud because what an awful human being he is.

   15. DTMFA

   16. This wasn’t the only reason I got divorced, but it was part of the process I went through to make the decision. During a week when I was waiting for delayed biopsy results, my ex not only was completely oblivious to how scary that was, but acted like he expected me to provide the usual amount of emotional labor. Fortunately my biopsy turned out ok, but I was in my 40s and thought, can I imagine growing old with this person and needing any kind of support at any point? It was a scary, scary thought. So maybe you’re on to something?

4. For those of you who are good at personal finance, can you describe how you got to where you are?

   When I was a kid, I read The Westing Game and was fascinated by Turtle Wexler, who bought stocks. I saw that as attainable for myself (and this was back in the day when transaction costs were high, so found I could buy savings bonds for no fee).

   I also did my own 1040 EZ from when I got my first W-2 job in high school and was motivated to make sure I got my refund. I guess I feel that everyone should at least try to do it because it shows what an exclusion is bs a deduction bs a credit.

   1. Many years ago I read a book called Debt Proof LIving by Mary Hunt, and used her online debt payoff calculators to get out of six-figure debt. I still use her method, which involves saving monthly for non-monthly expenses that would otherwise be a surprise budget-buster.

   2. Honestly, I’m not really sure. My dad talked to me a little bit about investing, etc. but with the exception of a small allowance for gas money in high school, I barely had any exposure to money as a kid (very privileged, I know!). I got into personal finance when I got my first job after college basically out of necessity since I lived in a VHCOL city and I think it just dovetailed well with my aptitude for math/being a very organized person.

   3. I listened to Dave Ramsey daily. Then I read a lot of intelligent takes about what Dave Ramsey gets wrong. Then I listened to Dave’s rebuttals to those takes. Then I read more articles by the people who wrote the intelligent takes. Did the same thing with Mr. Money Mustache. And ultimately, tracking back and forth between a guy and the people who disliked him and reading informed debates got me to a place where I have my own opinions.

      Along the way, I made a budget, sucked at it, made another budget, sucked at it, and just kept going until I got to a point (now) where I don’t really track that closely because I have a sense of where we are and where we’re headed.

      So: trial, error, and comprehending both sides of any given piece of advice.

      1. Oh, and echoing the posters below, I had a period where I was so broke I was choosing between food and doing laundry, and I knew I never wanted to do that again.

      2. I like Dave Ramsey ok but I really like Clark Howard’s advice too

   4. My first job out of college was in a collections department for a large regional bank. It was eye opening to little old me, who had been raised by parents who were infants during the depth of the Great Depression. This lead me to read about family budgeting and to start learning about how to handle my money. This was the early 80s. I knew very little about investing, but a lot of saving. A few years later a friend’s mother invited me to her investment club and I learned a ton for those women and started investing.

      1. Tell me about these ladies and their investing club. That sounds like such a baller move.

         1. It was kind of like a book club. We met two times a month, one was an evening event in a member’s home with wine and appetizers, one was a Saturday morning coffee meet up. The person hosting always had an article or a book to discuss that had been circulated earlier, and then there were discussions of wins and losses for the week, and someone always had a hot tip. The members were me and my friend on the younger side, but most were her mother’s age, some professional women and a few ladies who lunched. A range of disposable incomes. A few women were just dabbling, a few were really cut throat in wanting to “win” with the highest returns. Some had serious money to invest, I was only playing with a little safe money until I really learned the ropes, but I was also putting as much as I could into my TSP and trying to save to buy a house.

   5. a) born on third base (no school debt, comfortable upbringing, etc)
      b) dad gave me $5k in an investment account when I graduated college and helped show me how to use it

      I would have been rich regardless with those two things, I think, but a few other things supercharged my net worth:
      – selling an apartment for about double what we paid for it, walking away with a profit of $600k in cash
      – we moved from the city to a MCOL suburb where kids go to public schools
      – I’ve been fortunate to make between $200k-$350k each year for the past 20 years

      The power of compound interest is truly astounding though. Every time I check our accounts I feel like we’re up another $100k. The rich truly do get richer.

   6. Mostly learned living below my means at home – parents made sure we had all of our needs met, but ‘wants’ were saved for special occasions. Read some books a la bogleheads later. Lucky to have a good income and no major financial obligations except a mortgage.

   7. My parents drilled two money rules: earn interest, don’t pay it (aka never even put more on a credit card than you can pay in full) and contribute to a retirement account as soon as you start working. They weren’t super open with finances, but they did talk often about those rules.

      And so I, being a rule follower, abided by both. Even with my $25K starting salary in NYC in 2008, I have never carried a card balance or any debt aside from my mortgage and contributed to my 401k up to the match.

      Then because I am a reader and a nerd I started reading books on investing and listening to finance podcasts to learn more.

   8. My parents are both idiots with money. My mother has gotten better as she’s gotten older (and after she got divorced had a stable income, etc…) but I never wanted to live like that.

      I’m the one who – at 16 years old – didn’t go to my dream school (Cornell) because it was going to be too expensive. Even with financial aid and all that. I made a lot of decisions out of fear of running out of money… I spent a summer eating (literally) rice and lentils and eggs and the treat was that I bought cheap coffee which I drank black. Husband had a more stable upbringing and we figured out how to make things work. Note that I may still be one of those people who has $50K in a checking account (I know, I know), but that’s on me.

   9. I also loved The Westing Game and Turtle as a kid! My dad was (still is) very into investing as a hobby, so it was kind of an osmosis thing to some extent. I also remember enjoying managing a mock portfolio for a semester in middle school. My parents helped me open a Roth IRA when I got my first job at McDonalds. When I got a “real” job in my early 20s, some of my coworkers played a social game that was essentially about investing. That led me to The Motley Fool site and other personal finance books, and using some of my spare cash to invest. I made a lot of unremarkable, solid picks, but I also bought about 100 shares of Netflix at like $10 a share and watching that turn into…$$a lot really got me hooked. I invest mostly in index funds now, but I love spreadsheets, planning, & budgeting, so I actually think personal finance is pretty fun.

5. Anyone have a small WFH desk and like it? Any tips? I’m moving to a new job where I will WFH two days a week and I don’t have the space for a large desk.

   1. I have this one from Wayfair and I really like it. (Actually my husband and I have two of them back-to-back like a partners’ desk and it works great.)

      https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/red-barrel-studio-nicco-desk-w005933042.html

   2. I got mine at Costco pre-pandemic. It appears to be the Tresanti Geller 47” Adjustable Height Desk, which Costco sells for $250. It’s quite small and unobtrusive, which is what I needed. I have three monitors and don’t use paper generally for my job, so it’s big enough. I like the height adjustability feature as well.

   3. IKEA has all kinds of options for this. I have this one and like it because the return slides under the desk, so you can pull it out for more surface area and tuck it back under when you’re not working.

      https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/malm-desk-with-pull-out-panel-white-70214192/

   4. When the pandemic hit and I was unexpectedly working from home along with 3 family members, I pulled a little desk out of the garage that is about 30 inches across, with a sliding keyboard tray and a single shelf underneath. In many ways, it worked better than my large office desk. I did not have a second monitor, but I supplemented my laptop screen with an ipad. Essential books, pads of paper, spare pens were all within reach on the shelf. It truly worked for me.

6. I left home a week after graduating high school, was legit, broke-a** poor and had no safety net.
   Sink or swim probably isn’t the best way to acquire personal finance skills, but I did it.

   1. nest fail, obviously

   2. I did that too! Alcoholic parents?

      1. Weirdo in a small town.

7. Kat, on the mobile view, the Reply button is awfully disruptive when scrolling through comments. It’s positioned in precisely the wrong spot so it engages while trying to scroll and it’s so, so sensitive.

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