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- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
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- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon
Jeff Flake claims 35 Republicans in the Senate would impeach if the vote was on a secret ballot. If that’s true, then they need to stop being so GD cowardly. This rises above politics – Trump is threatening the core of our democracy and civic institutions.
Anon
Preach!
Anon
That’s probably been the truth the whole time. The 30% or whatever of Americans who are rabid Trump fans are the ones who vote, so the R party has been hijacked. I work in politics, and there are plenty of normal Rs who dislike where the party has gone, but with the rise of 24/7 outrage media, they have to choose whether they want to stay in office and try to keep the party (and nation) on a sane track – because Trump, after all, is term-limited – or if they walk away. But if they speak out against Trump, they WILL be primaried – which is worse for the country: 8 years of Trump or a legislature full of mini Trumps?
anon
I agree. I think this is a harder calculus than people make it out to be. Everyone thinks they would do the right thing in this situation, consequences be damned, but I’m not sure that’s right. I know that if I were one of them, I would want to stay in the Senate and keep making a difference.
Minnie Beebe
Sounds nice, in theory. But R’s in the Senate are *not* making a difference. That’s pretty much the crux of the issue.
Anon
They might not be “making a difference” on issues that you (as a non-constituent) see in the media, but they’re still doing their basic task: governing for their home state, advancing policies at home. They’re getting appropriations for bridges, advancing policies at agencies, etc. Some of the best lawmakers are the ones who keep their heads down and you never hear about because they’re just doing the bread-and-butter home-state work.
nutella
Yes, I agree. This is literally Congress’s most powerful tool to exercise and if they don’t use it here, they essentially forfeit its power, because after all, when else would you impeach if not now? While I don’t think multiple mini Trumps in Congress are good either, they have much less power to erode and seriously damage the course of the nation than the President has/has done.
Anon
Did you hear the Paul Ryan story about how he says (via sources, not direct quote) that he’s “now in a position to do something about Trump” (he’s on the board at Fox News). “Now”!? You were literally in charge of one of the two branches of government that’s supposed to be checking the executive for four years but “now” you’re in a position to do something? It’s a disgusting level of cowardice.
Anonymous
Yup. Do they want to serve themselves or the country
Anon
You’re listening to Jeff Flake for the pulse of the GOP?
Wow.
Anon
Nah, wouldn’t say I’m looking for the pulse – more like desperately seeking a moral compass. Seriously, any evidence of character in the GOP would be welcome.
Suburban
Republican voters voted for trump knowing full well he was corrupt and willing to conspire with a foreign government to win an election. They’re not dumb or ill-informed. They know he’s corrupt. They don’t care if the 2020 election is fair as long as he’s re-electioned. Why would republican representatives be any different?
Anon
An R strategist said it on MSNBC, Flake was quoting that guy.
Irish Midori
I am tempted to be on the “ugh, don’t bother, just wait for the next election” side, but (1) I actually worry about the next election, and (2) there ought to be a message that presidents can’t behave this way, dammit. Even if it pulls us off business for a while. Trying to keep my faith in the system.
Anonymous
The conspiracy theorist in my wonders if this is a way to keep mentioning Biden in a bad light (srsly: what is the son doing with a job like that? son seems . . . a big like Roger Clinton or Billy Carter?) not to beat Trump in the general election but to hobble him in the primary.
I mean, no one cared that Biden was handsy. But everytime I hear bad stuff about Trump these past few days, I also hear Biden in the same sentence. And no one really pays attention, but lumps them all in together. And today, Warren is pulling ahead. And I don’t see her as a winning candidate, so I really don’t know where this all is going and why now.
anonshmanon
She was catching up before this, the upward trend is not new. Fwiw, I find her very presidential.
Anon
Yeah, she’s been on a trend for a while but no one wants to believe she can beat Biden, even though his strategy is “I’m not Trump.” That didn’t work for HRC and it won’t work again.
Anon
There were tons of mitigating factors that were unique to Hilary – some not her fault (a large segment of this country is really s3xist), some that were her fault (the whole email thing). “Not Trump” is a perfectly decent strategy for a candidate who doesn’t have the baggage, deserved and undeserved, that Hilary had. There are a LOT of people out there, especially in the Rust Belt, that don’t want to vote for Trump again but don’t want socialism (or, quite frankly, a woman or minority president). Biden is the candidate for those people.
Anon
Do you think there could be a Biden-Warren ticket, or would she never play second fiddle?
I sadly think she couldn’t get elected president, and I’m desperate to get the orange thing out of there.
Anon
I don’t think Biden can win.
Anonymous
And I think that this nails it — he may not even get the nom now.
Anon
She won’t play second fiddle — harder to enact socialism that way. Though that would be a winning ticket and even one I’d back as much as I hate the progressive movement.
Anon
This is not how and why vps are selected- they play to the same group. A vp usually fills out some other desired constituency.
anon for this
Hunter Biden’s always been problematic. Beau was the golden child.
Anon
She can/will win the nomination because of the sheer number of crazy progressives but then go ahead and just hand DJT the general. I know it’s shocking to you all but those in income ranges like 175-250k are NOT interested in paying higher taxes so you all can have free college, debt forgiveness and whatever other handouts. And obviously those in the 250k+ range who may otherwise identify as Dems really aren’t interested in higher taxes at all. Both of these groups will hold their noses and vote DJT — and they don’t just live in NYC but in swing states too like NC (Charlottes finance industry). Don’t believe me — google “we’ll sit out or back Trump if you nominate Elizabeth Warren” — CNBC’s article on this just yesterday. This is what much of my crowd will quietly do. And no I’m not quiet about it because I’m not embarrassed to back the candidate that’s good for me and I’m not losing sleep about kids at the border whose parents weren’t forced to come here. But others will quietly vote DJT if Biden isn’t an option — just like Pa women quietly voted for him last time in large enough numbers to turn Pa.
Anonymous
Not really to your point, but I find it so depressing that Biden is apparently the best we can do for a moderate candidate.
Anonymous
Same. Though I think in part that’s due to primaries largely pushing moderates out of politics over the past few decades (on both sides of the aisle).
Anon
What’s wrong with Biden? It’d be 4 more years of an Obama like presidency. Was that SO bad? Let me guess — he’s not woke?
Anon
Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg are both pretty moderate, but Dems seem to prefer Biden. It’s not like he’s the only moderate option though.
Anonymous
Hi I make 250k a year and enthusiastically support Warren.
Anon
+1
Anon
That’s great, but you’re definitely an anomaly. Most people don’t want to vote against their self-interests. Major Wall Street Democratic donors are actively saying they’ll sit out or support Trump. https://www.cnbc.com/2019/09/26/wall-street-democratic-donors-may-back-trump-if-warren-is-nominated.html
I know that NY isn’t an important state for the electoral college, but I think the point stands that a lot of left-leaning or moderate wealthy people are not going to be able to vote for Warren, and we’ll have four more years of terror.
anon
+2
Yes, let’s educate people! And invest in communities! Fix the bridges that are crumbling! Give people clean water! I’m totally fine paying more for shared societal goals, and people who make more than me ($HHI 300K) should pay even more.
Anon
Right because you’re progressive/socialist. What I’m saying is there are many more people who make the same income as you who will NOT vote Warren. They may not tell you but they’ll quietly vote Trump or sit out. I’m one of them. There’s many others in my industry like me — and no all finance people don’t live in NYC. Some of them do live in places like North Carolina while are becoming purple but a Warren nom will put them firmly into the red camp.
Think hard. Is free college for illegals or whatever other handouts you want to give away THAT important?
An actual Dem voter
Wow.
But yes, I find it truly exciting that during my lifetime I could see policy enacted that have actual benefits for those that really need it. Healthcare guaranteed. Childcare and leave policies. Flexible college. Action on climate. Dense housing near public transit. Fewer assault rifles.
In most cases, I don’t care that I “paid” for all of it. The past is the past. Let’s do it for the children.
Anonymous
Same. Raise my taxes. Pay for services.
Sarabeth
Me too! College educated white voters are her largest constituency, so there’s actually a lot of us, it turns out.
Anonymous
I’m in the 500-600k range and will vote for warren/nonDT because I believe in democracy.
Anonymous
+1 (HHI 450k -and my husband agrees)
Anonymous
Same here. My taxes are the price I pay for living in a civilized society.
anon
+3, HHI is about 600K and we would both gladly vote for Warren if she were the nominee. Same for most of my lawyer friends with similar HHIs, including biglaw partners.
Anonymous
Just for an N=1 in the other direction, I don’t agree with a lot of the progressive movement (free college for starters), but I vote Democrat hoping that my taxes will go up (and I’m in the $250,000 + bracket that you are speaking of) and hoping that my upper middle class, white, male children make a life for themselves because of their work ethic and not their wealth, sex and skin color. I would like to see kids not punished for the sins of their parents. I would like to make sure that we aren’t creating the next generation of terrorists on our borders. I would like to see our country taking care of our least fortunate before our most fortunate. I would like to see women and people of color treated as people worthy of dignity. I hope that can be done if we can get beyond this “me first” attitude. And a lot of my friends are quietly voting in this direction. I would never stand in the streets and shout my opinions but I donate money to advance them.
anonn
+ 1 preach sister!
Anon
Thanks for your perspective- well said, am doing your influence may go far beyond what you imagine
An actual Dem voter
I make more than $1M a year and would never in a million years vote for Trump.
In any event, I’m just not that scared.
anonymous
Same, we are $1m+. We work on Wall Street and in finance and even though my husband has never liked Warren, he would vote for her over Trump.
A few things I want to clear up: when people say finance people don’t like Warren it’s because they feel she ‘demonized’ banks during the bail-outs. Not because she is a socialist, which she is not. Bernie Sanders is a socialist. Warren is clearly a capitalist but with regulation, which many finance types consider themselves also.
I think Warren is awesome, but she’s not my first choice. Although I don’t think I have any one first choice because there is not a single person on this planet that I agree with on everything. Not even my husband whom I adore. But every Dem candidate stands for and agrees with more points that I do agree with on the whole and definitely on the big ones. That’s why we vote.
Finally, I have met Trump personally multiple times and nobody I know who also knows him socially (not a politician) voted for him, even previous Republican voters. He is a two-face: nice enough to your face but rotten inside. Unfortunately he’s so focused on his own interests that he can be incredibly stupid and untrustworthy. You aren’t voting for him; you’re voting for whoever is influencing him at the moment.
LaurenB
$1MM+ as well (physician plus consultant) and of course we wouldn’t vote for DJT. I personally like Buttigieg, and I’m not crazy about all of Warren’s (or Sanders’) proposals, but that’s not the point – I prefer sane and knowledgeable people in the WH. Those of us at the $1MM+ mark got that way because we value competence. Do you even think that DJT could find Ukraine on a map?
Anonymous
I make $850,000/year (law) and am voting for Warren knowing full well that she’ll increase my taxes. It’s worth it to me because I’m trying to vote for a planet and a country that I can leave to my children. I make a lot of money but I will never in my life make the kind of wealth that would be required to insulate them from the deleterious effects of climate change, food insecurity, and rising inequality.
Anonymous
Hi I’m in that income range and I don’t mind paying higher taxes because I recognize they are essentially a utility bill to live in a civilized society, because an educated populace and good infrastructure benefits society as a whole and, despite what Ayn Rand desperately wanted to think, no one got where they are all on their own.
Anon
Good for you. No go figure out how many of your peers AREN’T willing to give of themselves like that. Do you really think no one with your income goes into the booth and quietly votes their monetary interests? Do you think everyone puts society’s interest first?
Is it Friday yet?
+1 Also if we do socialized medicine correctly, overall costs will go down for everyone so.
Anon
It’s totally not true that costs will go down for everyone and I really wish progressives would stop repeating this. There are lots of us in America with very good employer-sponsored health insurance who are relatively healthy and have minimal healthcare expenses in a typical year. I realize there are also many people aren’t that fortunate, and I think the answer is expansion of Medicaid so those who can’t afford health insurance can get it and I am happy to pay slightly higher taxes to increase subsidies to the poorest among us. But socialized medicine for everyone is not the answer. My husband and I have spent maybe $500 cumulatively on our healthcare in the last decade or more. There is no universe in which socialized medicine will be cheaper for us, and we have lots of friends in the same boat.
A lot of people also like their private insurance ,and don’t want to be on a government plan where there are long waits for everything non-urgent. We’ve heard a lot of horror stories from Canadian friends about long waits for specialists and misdiagnosis of things because people get so little time with the doctor. I am fortunate that I can afford to pay for my own healthcare, and would rather pay and receive better treatment, and subsidize poor people so they can receive the same treatment. MANY people feel the same.
Is it Friday yet?
The US spends more per person on healthcare than anywhere else. Fact (see link below). Maybe your employer is absorbing the cost as a benefit to you, but it’s part of your compensation package so tangentially still a cost to you. And very few people have health insurance with that little out of pocket outlay. Also, your premiums are already subsidizing the poor, because healthcare billing reflects the fact that uninsured and underinsured people still get care – hospitals charge everyone else more because they have to eat those costs and provide charity care. What socialization done right would do is cut out overhead and increase quality for everyone. Go talk to someone in Germany or France or Scandinavia – none of them are complaining about their healthcare access or costs.
Also, “I am fortunate that I can afford to pay for my own healthcare, and would rather pay and receive better treatment, and subsidize poor people so they can receive the same treatment.” How are poor people going to have access to “the same treatment” under our current system? That’s basically arguing for socialization.
Is it Friday yet?
https://www.healthsystemtracker.org/chart-collection/health-spending-u-s-compare-countries/#item-relative-size-wealth-u-s-spends-disproportionate-amount-health
Anonymous
I mean, I live in North Carolina. Of course I know there are plenty of people who don’t think like that. I talk to them every day. But I also know there are plenty of people who do think like me. That’s why we’re a purple state with a democratic governor and a republican legislature (which would be more democratic if they hadn’t gerrymandered our state all to hell, but I digress)
anon
“My husband and I have spent maybe $500 cumulatively on our healthcare in the last decade or more.”
I find this very hard to believe. Do you mean per year? I would expect that two people could spend more than this on over the counter meds in 10+ years. You’ve always had your physicals and well-woman exams covered with no co-pay? No glasses or eye exams? Did you go to the dentist? No office visits for anything that require co-pays? Even if this is true, you must understand that you two are extreme outliers. In any event, hope you never get old.
“We’ve heard a lot of horror stories from Canadian friends about long waits for specialists and misdiagnosis of things because people get so little time with the doctor.”
Yeah I’ve read the comment section on Fox News, too.
Is it Friday yet?
Also, expansion of Medicaid isn’t the answer because Medicaid reimbursement SUCKS so no one wants to take it. Physicians literally lose money seeing Medicaid patients because by the time they cover their overhead and pay their staff, they come out behind.
Anon
Anon at 12:05, no I mean $500 total. Under Obamacare all preventative care (including eye exams, glasses, pap smears, PCP visits, bloodwork, immunizations) is covered with no co-pay or deductible. That’s the law, not some super duper awesome insurance plan that we lucked into. The only thing you have to pay out of pocket if you’re insured is your premiums and co-pays/deductibles when we need to see a doctor. We also are on high-deductible health plans and employers contribute to our HSA accounts, so if you include that money (most of which is currently sitting in the bank), we’ve actually spent negative dollars on healthcare since the implementation of Obamacare.
I’ve never read Fox News or voted Republican in my life, try again. We have Canadian friends who have told us about their frustrations with the Canadian healthcare system. It’s a lot more nuanced than all you progressives want to believe.
AnonInHouse
Just another data point on the costs of healthcare not going down for ALL under Warren’s plan (and I have no idea if that’s what she’s claiming; I’ll vote for whoever the Democratic candidate is) – my family pays nothing in healthcare because my husband is in the military (free healthcare for him and our kids) and I have nearly-free insurance through my company with Tricare as my secondary insurance. For example, I delivered two babies and never saw a bill. This will change, of course, when he’s no longer active duty.
Is it Friday yet?
So because it doesn’t work perfectly as implemented in Canada, it cannot possibly work anywhere? K.
Seriously tho, the issue there is a dearth of providers – so we can’t have socialized medicine because more people having actual access to care will affect your access? It’s good now, because the rich people got theirs? Or we could like, address the primary care shortage so everyone has better access at lower cost than the mess we have now.
I get the nuances just fine, thanks, I just think about interests other than my own (which would be served perfectly well by universal healthcare, btw).
Anon
@12:39 – eye exams and glasses are not covered under Obamacare.
Anon
@Is it Friday yet, your hostility is getting you nowhere. I have always voted for Democrats, I will vote for Warren if she is the nominee, I am simply saying I don’t want socialized medicine (and know many Democratic voters who feel the same) and pointing out that your statement that everyone’s costs will be lower under a national healthcare plan is demonstrably false. Name-calling is not going to win anyone to your side. I have already emphasized that I understand I am more fortunate than many and I open to paying higher taxes to ensure poor people have better access to healthcare. There are lots of options for this that aren’t socialized medicine. Obamacare was a very good start. You sound very young, but if you were an older millennial or Gen Xer, you would understand how bad things were before and what a big step forward Obamacare was – removing the lifetime cap on insurance policy payouts was HUGE and removed the fear of healthcare-related bankruptcy for me and the hundreds of millions of other people in this country with pre-existing conditions. It’s certainly not perfect as is, but I believe fixing and expanding the system in place is the right way to proceed, rather than kicking the many people who are relatively happy with private insurance off their plans. This does not mean that I think everything is ok because “rich people got theirs” or that I don’t think about interests other than my own.
Is it Friday yet?
AnonInHouse, you are a very lucky outlier – most people do not have secondary coverage, or even nearly-free primary insurance. And your costs would go down – even if you’re not the one paying them right now.
Is it Friday yet?
Excuse me, where did I call anyone any names? You were the one that started suggesting lack of understanding of “nuance” for disagreeing with you, which frankly was kind of offensive. You’re also wrong about the (also kind of offensive) assumptions you’ve made about me – I’m a) an older millennial, and b) have been working in the healthcare industry for many years, so I’m pretty informed on this (and admittedly get riled up because I feel strongly). I do think Obamacare was a wonderful step forward, but the for-profit healthcare system is so so fundamentally broken. So many people lack access entirely (which ultimately drives costs up, because preventive care saves money overall), and so much money is wasted in middle management. Yes, you’re happy with your employer-provided private insurance, but what if something catastrophic happens and you’re unable to work? Pretty sure healthcare debt is still the #1 cause of bankruptcy in the US. The only ones that our current system is really good for is the insurance companies.
Sarabeth
Obviously lots of people vote exclusively for their own economic interests. Those people have voted for Republicans for decades, if they are white, and will continue to do so. The idea that there is some significant pool of wealthy white voters who would vote for Biden but not Warren is a fantasy…there just aren’t enough of those people, particularly in swing states, to matter.
Anon
To the anon who said lots of her Canadian friends complain about healthcare – Helllooooo! Canadian here. Yes, if we are friends and chatting, I will totally bitch about anything that is not 100% perfect in our helthcare. No, I would not swap healthcare systems with you if you offered, no thanks! I just fell sorry (in a sad way, not in a nasty way) for you and your fellow countrypeople because helthcare, college, guns, inequality…
The greatest trick American big business ever pulled was convinving Americans that government is ineficient at everything and that other countries in the west don’t have it better (for example, in healthcare) so that you dont start wanting what they have and wondering why you can’t have it…
Anon
What are the chances that the Dems turn the Senate? Because the only way I’d hold my nose and vote Warren was if there was no numerical way for the Dems to win the Senate. Because Dem control of both houses + presidency is a nightmare. In that case I’ll keep scandal prone but good at corporate tax cuts which helps my share buybacks Donald.
Anon
There’s essentially no path to the Democrats flipping the Senate. Congressional voting also follows the presidency because it’s unusual to show up to cast down ballet votes without voting for President (I do know a couple people who have done it, but it’s rare). So if a lot of moderate Dems aren’t enthusiastic about Warren and stay home, the Dems have a 0% chance of taking the Senate.
Anon
Not great. The are only a couple toss-up seats in 2020. https://www.270towin.com/2020-senate-election/
coffee
+1 in that income bracket and will vote my interests first. Hate DJT but am not willing to sacrifice my family’s fiscal position to vote for a socialist who wants to raise my taxes.
Anon
Exactly. Same for me.
anon
So you’re okay with racism, misogyny and authoritarianism because it means more money for you? That’s a great look.
Anon
Same. We like hell to get where we are. I will. not. vote Warren / Sanders / progressive.
Anonymous
How are you imagining your family’s future in a country where the president can manufacture conspiracies about anyone who dares to oppose him politically? Where all the elections are rigged?
It’s not higher vs. lower taxes.
It’s live in a democratic republic or live in an authoritative regime controlled by rich old men and religious zealots and hope you don’t upset them somehow.
Someone will chime in and say they lived in an oligarchy and it was great for them personally and somehow preferential to paying their fair share in taxes.
LaurenB
“I don’t mind our president being an incompetent buffoon who doesn’t understand basic economics, doesn’t understand world history or geography, talks before he thinks, embarrasses us to our allies and sucks up to dictators, tries to get out of his lies with Sharpie drawings, engages in Twitter feuds with celebrities, as long as I don’t have to pay one penny extra in taxes because ME ME ME!” Can you imagine someone who thinks that way raising children? Blech.
anonshmanon
Good for you having made up your mind, but people like you account for less than 1% of the voting population. Couple this with the fact that you are well aware that voting for another term of this is clearly, intentionally placing yourself on the wrong side of history.
Anon
This is totally what Dems did last time. Oh noooo one will vote DJT, never. Guess what happened — people went into the booth and quietly voted for him in enough numbers in the key states to get him the win. You’re doing the same thing again. The must win states are Ohio, Mich, Wisconsin etc that need to be won back. Guess what they’re demographically not NYC. People don’t care about being woke, they care about their interests. And when 60-75% of people there aren’t going to college, they aren’t ok with even a bit of their tax money going to free college for anyone and esp not illegals. It’s the privilege of the rich to say — oh I’m honored to pay taxes for free parental leave or whatever. While regular people making 100-150k who will necessarily be considered “rich” given how many socialist programs need to be paid for — look out for their own interests and want a status quo kind of guy who won’t upset their lives. That’s Biden and absent Biden it’s Trump.
Anonymous
The wrong side of history? We will be dead. We won’t know.
anon
The median income is 60k, FYI.
Conservative
Wrong side of history made me snort out loud. Liberals have collectively lost their mind. Opening an impeachment inquiry before release of the call transcript and “whistleblower” complaint is ridiculous from any rational observer. And then when the call transcript turned out to be innocuous, the talking points shifted to: 1) DJT is like the fictional character Tony Soprano; and 2) DJT buried the damning word-for-word transcript (which doesn’t exist). The “whistleblower” had no personal knowledge, only scuttlebutt. Hearsay and gossip and the Sopranos should be the basis to overturn the results of a national election just b/c you feel some misguided personal animus towards Trump? That’s CRAZY.
Anon
All this income talk and people just aren’t realizing that Trump’s campaign made racism okay. I’m less worried about selfish people who make a million or more a year being scared of their “utility bill” (like that to the person who said it, good way to put it!) and MORE worried about the low middle class to poor white Midwestener who literally believes that people of color/immigrants are to blame for all their own problems.
Poppies
Speak for yourself please. I make $450K+ (me, not me + my spouse) and there’s no way in h3ll I or any of my circle would vote for Trump. There are people in the world who are not totally self centered, which I realize is a new concept for you.
anon
Yes, yes, yes you have squawked over and over again about your myopic fixation on “socialism,” “handouts,” “free college” and stuff for “illegals;”about how you don’t mind hurting other people or endorsing immoral, horrible people so long as you get your $$$$; have no compassion for others (including children); appear to totally lack empathy; and that you believe this is a *good way to be in the world.* Oh, and we better agree with you and protect your interests or you’re gonna get us by voting for DJT! Got anything new for us?
Anon
Yeah I agree. Based on style this is basically the same poster over and over trying to rile people up. Probably boasts that he/she “owned the libs” today. Get a freaking life, dude.
Anonymous
Yes. I don’t want to vote for Trump, and I don’t want to vote for Elizabeth Warren. I believe taxes are meant to run our country, not to redistribute wealth according to how some politicians feel is right. I don’t want to pay more taxes for them to be spent on illegal aliens, reparations, free college, support to foreign countries including military, forgiving tuition debt, and free medical and free this and that. Partly, they are pandering and I don’t believe them and partly because the economic impacts of some of these choices will be devastating. I do not care for President Trump and the way he deports himself, but I do agree with many of the policies that this administration has enacted. I’m happy to pay taxes that benefit Americans who need help — Medicare, Medicaid, SNAP, domestic defense, infrastructure but not for the “it’s not fair what about…” politicians. Life is not fair, it never has been and never will be.
My hypothesis is that at some point Pence will replace Trump and that will trounce the Democratic candidate.
And before anyone asks, I sleep just fine at night.
Anon
I think Pence is WAY more beatable than Trump. Sure, the wealthy Wall Street people will vote for him because he’s a sane person who won’t raise their taxes, and the die-hard pro-lifers will vote for him because they always vote Republican. But he doesn’t have the populist base like Trump does, and he’s not a likable person or compelling candidate at all. All those poor white people that flipped Obama to Trump are not going to be enthusiastic about Pence. He was hugely unpopular when he was the governor of Indiana, an extremely red state.
coffee
Agree with all of this. I’m 100% fine paying taxes, but I want those taxes to be spent wisely to provide infrastructure, schools, and a basic safety net for citizens. I don’t want my taxes increased to provide “free” this and “free” that for everyone and essentially negate all the financial gains I make by busting my a$$ off to get ahead. You all can insult me (and the others who feel similarly) all you want, but it’s not going to change the fact that we’re not going to support a candidate with those values. I was an “anyone but Trump” voter the first time around and still am if I’m provided with a reasonable alternative!
Anon
I *wish* he would deport himself. I think you mean comport.
PolyD
So you don’t want your taxes to pay for things like more affordable college, more reliable affordable healthcare, cleaner air and water, etc, but you are okay with the current republican trajectory of paying taxes that go to more military spending than the next ~8-10 countries combined, paying for bail outs to farmers because Trump doesn’t know how tariffs work, paying fossil fuel industries in the form of tax cuts to shore up the dying coal industry? And how come when I see complaints about “socialism” no one ever brings up all the commie blue state dollars going to shore up failing red states?
I mean, besides the racism, utter lawlessness, utter disregard for the Constitution, using the office of the Presidency to enrich himself and his children. But hey, if keeping a few more dollars in your already full pockets is that important, cool.
Anonymous
No, I meant deport, as to conduct yourself is a specified manner.
Anon
LOL if only he would deport himself…
Nah
That’s an archaic use of “deport,” and it’s an awesome Freudian slip.
Anon
Ok miss high and mighty I’m in the 500k income range and I support all the stuff you claim no one in your “high income” range will support. Maybe just remember you’re a sample of one, as am I.
Anon
And by the way
1) DJT already raised my taxes by limiting the other tax deduction to $10k, so I’m now paying taxes on taxes
2) DJT did not cut spending by any significant amount, so he lowered taxes by increasing the deficit and the debt, just kicking the can down the road. So for those of you who are “just looking out for the finances of your family,” you’ve just enthusiastically saddled your kids with paying it back.
How quickly you forget.
Anon
You are totally right. I have a relative that is a doctor married to a doctor. She and her husband are lifelong Democrats who abhor Trump. But they will never vote for Elizabeth Warren . At best, they will stay home, and I think they might actually vote for Trump over her, because of the financial impact to their family. They live in Ohio. There are millions of people like them in swing states. She has no path to the presidency and anyone who thinks she does is incredibly naive. To be clear, I will vote for her if she’s the nominee and I would love to be proven wrong about this. But I won’t be.
Anon
Anon @ 10:42 AM, I pray that you are never in a situation where you or anyone in your family has to get a “handout.” But if that situation ever occurs, I will gladly support taxes to pay for it. “Handouts” raised me and I went to undergrad paid for completely my Pell grants and scholarships. And now as an attorney, I am HAPPY AND PROUD that I am able to ensure the next “me” has a change. Don’t hide behind the cloud of a party, and Republicans, start at least admitting to what your party attracts and who the veins actually are. The rest of the world can see it, just own up to it.
Proud Anon
My income is $300k+ BECAUSE I got “handouts” throughout my life (WIC as a child, full-ride scholarship to university due to academics, numerous extra educational/networking opportunities as the first person in my family to go to college) and I will support the same, through higher taxes on my income, to any one else that can utilize the same advantages that I received. Signed, a child of immigrants who is thankful everyday for the “handouts” that made me successful!
LaurenB
“And no I’m not quiet about it because I’m not embarrassed to back the candidate that’s good for me and I’m not losing sleep about kids at the border whose parents weren’t forced to come here. ”
It’s always so unsophisticated to not realize that your forefathers were immigrants, too. Unless they were brought over as slaves or were Native Americans. Do you really not get that plenty of people — yes, in the $250K+ bracket – are the children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren of immigrants, whether it was the Ellis Island great migration or the post WWII influx of concentration camp survivors?
Ellen
I think you make some good points, but again, this is NOT the place to talk politics. We have alot of fashion clotheing to compare, yet so many of us think we can predict politics? FOOEY! I would loveo see a woman in the White House, but am not sure America wants one — they didn’t when they elected Trump. Most women vote for men, and most men vote for men. That is why we always have men in the White House. We’d have to get a really good woman who does NOT alienate other women or men. Is there such a woman out there? If there is, I haven’t seen her. So if all we are left with are men, what is left? Nada. Ptooey! I would vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg, but he can not win b/c he is Jewish, but he would be good. I think he does not like Trump’s politic’s.
Ellen
Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this burgundy pencil skirt, Elizabeth! I love your style. Believe it or not, I can still wear pencil skirts, but prefer knit ones b/c they have a little more give in the tuchus and hips, tho I dare NOT even think of ever buying size 0 any more. I tried one of Rosa’s on and she got mad at me for stretching it out and ruining it. Oh well, that is what happens. I wind up buying it from her and donating it to Goodwill. I hope those in the HIVE who celeabrate Rosh Hashanah have a nice holiday. Myrna is coming with me to LI this weekend to eat and go to services. She will protect me against the schlubs who want to get to “know” me. While Mom says they may have true intentions, I doubt it. We women need to take a stand against men who really only have their own interests at heart, not ours. I’ve read posts here about women who are about to get bamboozeled by men who are playing them like a violin, and they are about to fall into those traps — I know I did. We should do our best to reserve our selves for men who truly care about us, not just our body parts. FOOEY on those that do!
Gina
Recommend anything to do/see or eat in and around Syracuse this weekend?
Denver
Dinosaur BBQ, Pastabilities, Empire Brewing Co, Kitty Hoyne’s for food.
Anon
Check out the CNY Farmers Market at the fairgrounds. I always like to go there when I am in Syracuse to check out the seasonal produce, and baked goods. It’s a lot to walk around.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a good OBGYN or primary care physician in Northern Virginia please?
Anonymous
Depending on where in NoVA —
Elizabeth Garreau for OBGYN, she’s out in Fairfax/Loudon now but I still drive from DC to see her.
Megha Mendiratta at Comprehensive Primary Care for PCP, she’s at both the U Street and Ballston offices
Love Dr. G
Hello, fellow patient of Dr. Garreau :)!
anon a mouse
OBGYN – Capitol Women’s Care (VHC complex or McLean) or Arlington Women’s Center (VHC complex). AWC has midwives and OBs if that matters to you.
Primary – DH and I, as well as several friends, have been happy with the VHC Primary Care group. Locations at the hospital complex or Shirlington. Malekiani or Nguyen are great, but I think they just added a couple of new doctors so they might be taking new patients.
Anonymous
VHC’s phone system is awful though. At least for the specialists we’ve seen there.
anon a mouse
That hasn’t been my experience – all the offices have their own lines. The primary care practice for example has its own phone system separate from the hospital.
Arlington 'rette
OB/GYN: Rebecca Busch at Reiter, Hill, Johnson & Nevin, in Falls Church. They have a
Primary: Jennifer Gorrelick at General Internal Medical Group (Ballston location) is the best doctor I’ve ever had.
Good luck!
anon in dc
I see a different doc at Reiter, Hill, Johnson & Nevin (at the DC office) and really like her, seems like a solid practice!
sofa recs
I’m on the hunt for a sofa (and loveseat?) that’ll have as long a lifespan as we can hope for with an infant and a cat (who’s torn up the current couch). Trying to moderate costs, given that the two of them will probably put this sofa through the wringer in the coming years. I looked at the Ikea Landskrona and liked the structure of it, but I’d love to find something that comes in more vibrant colors — that one is just in gray and a very light green. All suggestions appreciated!
C2
Try an Ikea sofa with Bemz covers, which are machine washable. As for the cat, you can try to train him by spraying it down with a citrus based spray, and provide scratching posts.
https://bemz.com/ikea-series
Some examples of how great they look: https://www.houseofbrinson.com/2019/05/30/a-new-look-at-slip-covers-with-bemz/
Anon
Do you – or anyone else – have a rec for a citrus spray that works against cats? My cat attacks a particular chair and that would be a wonderful idea…
C2
I add some drops of lemon essential oil to water in a spray bottle. I’m sure there are commercial sprays, but so far my cat doesn’t like the lemon and has stayed away.
cat socks
The brand SmartyCat has an anti-scratching spray or you could try Sticky Paws. I would check Chewy for those types of items. There is also something called a Sofa Scratcher that you can place on the corner of your sofa.
Anon
Thank you both!
Anon
There are places online that make specialty slipcovers in tons of colors for Ikea sofas (although, it looks not not the Landskrona because of its tufting). These are nice slipcovers – very tight fitting (and many Ikea couches are actually slipcovers anyway). Being able to take off a slipcover and wash is is amazing with kids, and being able to replace just the slipcover because of cat scratching seems great too.
Anon
I have a smooth firm leather sofa in the living room that my two cats lay on all day but do not sharpen their claws on.
I have had two fabric slip covered/upholstered sofas in the tv room that the cats would never leave alone – they destroyed the slipcover and the underlying upholstery. Now I have a futon type thing that has wooden arms and they pretty much leave it alone. They like that tall area of the arms of a sofa to scratch on.
The vet told me once that cats are attracted to sharpen their claws on fabrics that are nubby, so I’ve always gone with smooth fabrics, but even then the only guarantee has been leather.
I buy every kind of scratching post. If my cats could laugh in my face, they would.
Anonymous
yes, cats will destroy everything. sorry, but when i had a cat, i had to get used to the idea that my couch would need to be replaced every 3 to 4 years. none of the sprays worked for me. i have since had to put my cat to sleep, but i currently have a room and board sofa that seems to be made of solid fabric that might hold up well. it never got tested by the cat though!
AnonInHouse
Putting aside the cat issue (I don’t have a cat, so can’t comment on potential damage), I would consider an alternate approach: assuming you have the budget, buy something sturdy that will survive jumping, pillow forts, spit ups, etc. I bought all my “grown up” furniture pre-kids, and after six years of kid shenanigans/cushion abuse, it’s all in terrific shape.
Anonymous
What did you buy? Our current furniture has lasted about 13 years and could keep going if I could find a reputable person to reupholster in my area, which is unlikely. I’m looking to buy living room furniture next year that will last that long, or longer, and hold up to high energy kids and a hairy lab.
AnonInHouse
My couches are Sherrill (I’ve mentioned it before on here, promise I’m not affiliated, just love the brand!) — one couch and chair are 12 years old, the “new” couch is only 8 years old. I have 2 kids and a lab-mix that uses our furniture as a dog bed, so…this furniture has seen a lot of “love” over the years.
A.
We have three kids under ten and a naughty dog, and ended up buying a Crate & Barrel sofa three years ago that I’m OBSESSED with. It’s basically a giant bed disguised as a couch, but is made of a tough twill fabric that does a great job standing up to our family’s wear and tear on it. All of this is to say, I agree with the commenter above that says to buy good/sturdy stuff.
anon
We got a Pottery Barn sofa (the charleston, I think) in a twill slip cover and it survived more than 15 years of cats (4, not all at once!) and many many interactions with children (though we don’t have kids, it’s been eaten on and smeared with… stuff… pretty often). Our cats have all hated scratching on anything slip-covered, though, so it will depend on your cat I think.
1 mo in SE Asia?
Seeking travel advice. I unexpectedly have a little over a month between jobs (October-November). As I’ve never been to SE Asia, I’d like to take a trip. Seeking feedback on this potential Thailand/Laos/Vietnam/Cambodia itinerary, traveling solo: London to Thailand [Chiang Mai (5 nights + 1 night in elephant sanctuary) – Bangkok – (2 nights)] -to Laos [Vientiane (2 nights) – Luang Prabang (2 nights)] to Vietnam [Hanoi (6 nights) – Ha Long Bay boat cruise (2 nights) – Hoi An (2 nights) – Ho Chi Minh City (3 nights)] to Cambodia [Siem Reap (3 nights)- Phnom Penh (2 nights)] – London. What should I keep/extend/eliminate?
Anon.
That sounds like an intense schedule. I would plan more time at a beach in Thailand somewhere to unwind, get a massage etc. Islands off of Krabi province or Phuket itself has many options.
Displaced mom
I have kids and work FT. I am older than a lot of other moms of the kids at school. And I often have a lot in common with the dads (work in finance and with #s, read the WSJ religiously). And I am too busy for both and it breaks my heart to feel so out of sync with the world and like I fit in nowhere (I am remarkably well able to empathize with my tweens who go through bouts of feeling this way, perhaps that is an upside). I’ve lost touch with my also-busy mom friends who go to different schools and live in different neighborhoods in the city. I am so, so lonely. Like even if I said “let’s go on a girls weekend / dinner on Tuesday / hang out on Sunday” I feel like no one would come b/c no one feels close to me anymore. I feel the same, but want to reconnect.
Like the Goyte song, everyone is now just someone that I used to know. :(
anon8
You’re just speculating that no one will want to hang out with you. Reach out and see what they say! You will need to put some effort into reconnecting. Maybe they are feeling lonely too.
The original Scarlett
+1 If you’re one of my BFFs who always apologizes for being a bad friend and being out of touch, stop worrying about it and text me! I promise I love you and will be happy to see you. Life happens to everyone.
anon
I hear you, because I’ve definitely gone through periods of feeling that way. Rather than reaching out to a group of people, what about trying to reconnect one-on-one with your old friends in town? The truth is you’ll probably have to do a lot of the legwork for awhile, until people recognize that you’re ready to be social again.
AnonMom
Seconding this. Also, perhaps start with lower-commitment things than a weekend away since time is at a premium for everyone. I like grabbing coffee or drinks, getting a mani-pedi together, meeting up for a walk on a weekend morning, stuff like that.
CP
100% agree with starting out with something that is a low time commitment. When someone suggests something that takes under an hour on a Sunday morning or coincides with something that I’d already be doing anyway (like a mani/pedi for some people), I am almost always going to say yes compared to the logistical s*show of trying to do dinner, or even drinks, on a weeknight.
KPAnon
+1!
Anonymous
Yup. This. Do you have acquaintances? Plan a mom a night out at a local bar and invite everyone you know. A few people will come!
Do you know anyone through school stuff (events, coaching, etc?) you could plan “volunteer/coach’s night off.” Same deal.
If your kids are younger, plan a family event at your house. We loved “outdoor movie nights” in which parents all came with kids and put a picnic blanket down in the yard and the kids all watched a movie on TV while parents chatted and drank beer/wine around the fire pit. A family in my daughter’s preschool class did this a few Times and it was wildly successful.
I feel like as kids get older, lots of Busy Working Parents TM want to spend time with their kids- so coaching, family stuff take priority. If your kid plays sports but you don’t coach, have you chatted up other parents on the sidelines? Mom’s and dads alike are equally bored.
Throw yourself a party and invite everyone you know. I was just invited to a 40th for a classmate of one of my kids who ive Lynch ever made idle pickup chatter with. I put on my Big Girl Pants and went with DH and we had an amazing time and met so many other parents like us! Turns out this woman and her husband were both big law, he kept working and she was SAH for one second before losing her mind and founding this big nonprofit. She doesn’t earn a salary I don’t think but she works like 50-60hours/week. I’m pumped to volunteer with her! And her husband is the partner on several Big Famous Cases in my (non law) industry so I totally geeked out while he and my husband played beer pong (!?) until midnight.
Anon
It’s ok to hang out w/ the dads too, particularly at co-ed events like a cookout. Could you have an open house type party where you invite people to drop in for drinks/snacks/playdate between certain times on a random Saturday. My in-laws live in a very conservative (Southern) retirement community where most of the women didn’t work outside of the home and many of their daughters don’t work. When I got to BBQs there I spend some time catching up with the women but I also spend a fair amount of time talking with the men, particularly the older retired men that like to still talk business.
Nesta
When you’re a parent, your own age doesn’t matter, it’s the age of your kids that’s relevant. So the moms at school are exactly who you should be hanging out with, regardless of being older than them–no one should really care.
I’ll let other commenters address the “only the dads work in finance and like the WSJ” part of your post. I haven’t had enough coffee yet.
Anonymous
eh idk my mom was an Older Mom and I’m now learning from her how hard it was for her to fit in sometimes with the other moms. I don’t know the OP’s age but my mom was sometimes a different “generation” than other moms. She fit in best with the moms of my youngest child classmates (i.e. mom of 3 and youngest was in my grade at school). Ironically most of my closest friends were also youngest children. We had experienced the same parenting styles I guess..
Anon
First, just start reaching out. Second, women read the WSJ and like finance too. That’s not a man thing.
Anonymous
My mom reads the WSJ. But I find that among my friends, one friend who works in finance and has an MBA and one friend who is a BigLaw partner are the only women I know who read it.
People’s priorities aren’t reading the paper (maybe), but it was a habit ingrained on my from an early age: read the paper.
I am not surprised that SAHMs aren’t into the WSJ. But it is a fantastic paper. The weekend section had a article about Allbirds/Rothys recently.
Maybe it is: when people adhere to 1950s gender norms, women socialize with women and men with men; women shouldn’t socialize with married men b/c you are making the moves on them (even if you have more in common with them than the women in the group you’re with). I’ve gotten some side-eye when talking to a friend at another law firm just b/c our genders are different (I’m friends with this wife, who is a doctor). It’s hard wearing a skirt. I should wear a cape, too.
Anon
The SAHMs in my area are some of the best read people I know — because they have the time. They are constantly reading new novels and newspapers. (They also carry the school and local political parties with their volunteering.) Sorry, but hard eyeroll at the suggestion that women who read the WSJ are somehow unique.
Anonymous
There a lot of kids of SAHMs. There is one kind that is very, very busy. There is another kind that just gossips in the back of the yoga class they are pretending to go to. My guess is that you are running into the second group; the first group is too busy for nonsense.
Ms B
“I should wear a cape too.”
I can’t even tell you how much I heart that line.
Anon
Not the OP, but what she said makes perfect sense to me.
I recently moved from the Northeast to a part of the country wherein most women work part-time, stay at home, or work in “pink collar” professions. It took a lot of work to find the women professors and engineers. But on a daily basis, I spend a lot of time with a smile pasted on my face and gritting my teeth. No, the women here don’t read the WSJ and work in finance, or if they do, they are opting out of a lot of the social circles because why spend your life with people who look down on you for having a brain.
Anon
+ a million to both of these
Anonymous
I feel like when my kids were in daycare, all of the other moms and dads were in the same boat. But there are a LOT of SAHMs in my kids’ real schools and it seems like they were all in the same sorority at Wake or UNC or UGA or what have you, so working and not having gone to the same schools just makes me feel like I am such an outsider. And the dads all seem to hang out with each other. I have a lot in common with everyone: I am a person, I am a parent, I am your neighbor, we have kids who are peers. And yet it seems that if I were to wait for my phone to ring it wouldn’t. And reaching out is just so exhausting when people never get back to you about even the easiest of things. One friend I’ve been trying to schedule something with all summer –> I guess I should just take the hint at this point. It doesn’t stop stinging though. It’s like the awkward stage of 7th grade never truly ends.
Anon
I feel you. During much of my thirties I was the single, professional out-of-towner in a small city where the senior year of high school is when people typically get engaged. I was barely tolerated by most people. The dynamics were really similar to what you describe. Folks were surface-level polite, but attempts to get involved with anything (volunteer, after work social stuff, you name it) were politely rebuffed. Every. Single. Time. It took about 3 years to find a small group of fellow weirdos. It sucks and I’m sorry.
Jane Lane
I’m a partner in BigLaw, a working mom, an introvert, and relatively new to my community. The closest friends I’ve made in my community are through volunteering through our PTA – and not just a little here and there, but a real meaningful commitment (I am the president). It is a giant pain and takes a lot of time, but it has given me a pretty amazing community of (mostly) women who have my back. I will never regret this, even though I’ve sacrificed some billables to make it happen.
A few other ideas: I often write emails that say things like, “We will be at the microbrewery on Friday night from 5-7 – join us if you can!” I feel like I’m not waiting on anyone to RSVP and can move on with my life, but I’m given the invitation and people can figure out what works for them. I also often do last minute invites. I find that last minute is easier to coordinate than in advance. And I frequently do social events for our whole family, not just me. Anonymous @ 9:26 had some great ideas.
Anon
What makes you think only men work in finance and read the WSJ?
Anonymous
I think it’s that if you work in finance and the moms are SAHMs, your day-to-day life and life stressors give you more in common with the dads. Not that women can’t work in finance, but finance is already pretty guy-heavy, so the women in it aren’t at all uncomfortable talking to a group of all men. That’s the world they live in. It only seems odd in a mixed group, and probably only odd to the women who don’t see this every d*mn day.
Signed,
lawyer, clients are all banks too big to fail
Anon
That’s very different than what the OP said.
AnonTechie
similar, but on the opposite direction wrt age.
I work in a super-nerd industry and am about a decade younger than my kids’ parents. This has led to (i hope joking) comments about young people and love for robots.
Kids and the school is an easy start, but some amount of genuine curiosity about a variety of industries (which is honestly something my investing job taught me) unlocks a whole lot of new conversation topics.
Like the other posters said, there is nothing wrong with hanging out with the dads, but if you (like me) would like to hang out with women atleast outside work, you may be surprised to learn how easily conversation flows once you give it a chance.
anon
Go out on a limb and invite a family you’d like to know better over for dinner. Maybe it’s one of the dads you’ve connected with. I think more people really do want to hang out but no one wants to put in the effort of planning something and/or hosting people. Just do it!
anon a mouse
First, nurture your existing friendships, even if you can’t do it in person. I’ve made an effort to increase texting with a few friends to feel more connected on the day-to-day.
Second, get creative about how to see people. Your other mom-friends might live in different neighborhoods, but do any work near you? I have lunch about once a month with a friend I would never see otherwise — evenings are too difficult, her weekends are filled with kid-sports. The lunch is great and I always look forward to it.
Third, work on expanding your circle to include people that you can easily see in your neighborhood. Maybe it means going to a workout class, or volunteering somewhere.
It takes time and effort, but you can do it!
anon
Just curious, has this worked for you? I live in a city now where none of my lifelong or previous work friends live, and I’ve tried reconnecting with them by texting and/or calling on occasion. They reciprocate but never initiate, so at this point I’ve kind of given up because it seems like IRL contact is really the only way for me to maintain friendships with these people (aside from a couple of them) and that’s not going to happen on a regular basis anytime soon.
Coach Laura
When I had young kids plus job and grad school, the one thing I made time for was a walk on Saturday and/or Sunday morning with a girlfriend. Even if it was 0-dark-thirty before other weekend commitments (seriously, 6:30 on Saturday). 20 years later, I’m still walking with one girlfriend most weekends. The other girlfriend moved away but we walked for 5 years before that. The walk got me some of the exercise I/we needed and we could talk the whole way. Even if your friends aren’t in the same neighborhood, perhaps you could meet at a park half-way between your houses. And in pouring rain or snow, we would skip the walk and have coffee, tea or cocoa!
Anon
I have very high-contrast coloring—think the palest skin and dark brown, almost-black hair. I think I need a new look, because as I am aging my hair seems to have lost its luster and darkened even more, which drags my face down. I find that I look kind of dead in photos unless I have bright lipstick on, but when I wear blush and lipstick, I feel like a porcelain doll, not a person. The bronzer looks that are in right now are not right for me at all. Should I lighten my hair? Where should I go for makeup inspiration?
Anonymous
Do you color your hair? If so, you probably do need to lighten it up a shade or so otherwise it will look harsh and age you.
If not, maybe play around with Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum, which keeps my hair sleek but not slick.
Anon
The women in my life have always said two things are true as you age: dark hair can look too severe and lipstick can really brighten your face. I’d look for hair colors on Pinterest and think about going lighter. Find a lipstick that makes you feel comfortable – maybe a “you but better” color that reads less “porcelain doll.”
anon
Hair color could be part of it, but I wonder if you need a freshened up style, too? Very subtle highlights could give you an overall lightened look without doing anything too drastic. My hair isn’t as dark as yours, but I have noticed that with brown hair + light skin, lip color of some kind is almost a necessity to make me look awake and alive. Especially in photos. I am a huge fan of Loreal Infallible lip gloss in sangria. It is the perfect rosy color that wakes up my skin color without looking garish.
Panda Bear
Book a makeup lesson or consultation at a salon, or drop by Sephora/Ulta/mall makeup counter to get some recommendations and try out new products.
Anon
I don’t dye my hair (yet) but also have dark brunette/pale skin so I can’t speak to the hair side. On the skin side, bronzer doesn’t have to mean these dark bronzed looks or contouring. You’re trying to create your skin glow. Light application, blending a lot into the hairline in a 3 shape from mid-temple to under the cheek to under the chin. I used to use Becca Sunlit Bronzer in Bali Sands, which is the lightest, but I’ve been doing a good job of using SPF/shading my face this year, and am finding it a little dark for me. I’m now using Laura Mercier Candleglow Sheer Perfecting Powder in 2 light as my bronzer. It’s just a tad darker than I’d use for regular powder and it’s perfect. I also add a dot of Becca Backlight Priming Filter Face Primer to my foundation, mix in and apply together.
T
+1 not being into contoured looks doesn’t mean that bronzer is unequivocally not for you, you just need a judicious application.
Anon
I have black hair, pale skin with pink undertones, and the lightest blue eyes…so I understand the feeling of looking “harsh” due to high contrast, but I am positive you are beautiful and striking in all the right ways! I always wanted to be blonde when I was in high school and college, I felt like it made more sense with my look. I lightened my hair with shades of lighter, rich brown and red. I regret it because now, I’m dying my hair black to get as close to my natural color with the most ease. Honestly, I use some sort of fake tan every week. Nothing super dark, just enough so the sunlight doesn’t bounce off my legs. I felt it was more that my undertones were coming through rather than just being “pale.” Using the Jergens Natural Glow lotion in medium/deep about 4 times a week satisfies me. If I do want to be darker (which for me, still looks like a light bronze), I use the Jergens Tanning Mousse and that gives me decent color for a week. As far as bright lipsticks go, rock them! But maybe head to a makeup counter or Sephora to play around with undertones or maybe shades that are still bright, but are a little more rich. Compliment your eye color with shadow if you choose to wear it, and maybe a neutral, peach blush. I still pack it on if I’m going out on a weekend night, but the effect is different than if I was wearing a cool tone, pink blush – tan or not.
Anonymous
Isn’t that so funny? We all want what we don’t have. I’ve been blonde my whole life and I’m sitting here reading everybody’s descriptions of super dark brown hair and feeling envious.
Anon
Get fine highlights. I do it to blend in grays – they’re not going to get every gray in the highlights but since my hair has lighter highlighted strands, the gray strands just look like more color variation.
Agree with others that uniformly dark hair does no favors to an an aging face. I also found that my dark brown hair seemed to lose its luster as I got older.
In my case it was having a headshot taken that put me over the edge. My post-highlights headshot looks 100x better.
Anonymous
+1 for really subtle highlights. My stylist does a “mini highlight” that is just a few very narrow strands. Start with a color that is not too much lighter than your natural color.
Also, embrace the contrast! I have dark hair and pale skin, and find that I look washed out with light-colored glasses frames and much livelier with black frames. If your skin has cool undertones, you’re probably a “Winter.” Black, navy, gray, pure white, really dark shades of cool purple and green, and icy pastels will make you look vibrant. Cream, brown, warm tones, and muted pastels will wash you out. Silver jewelry will work better than gold.
green
I have very dark brown hair, pale olive skin, and green eyes. I look most vibrant and awake when I wear very dark mascara to make my eyes pop, rosy red blush on my cheeks, and a tinted reddish pink balm or lip color. Hair looks best when it’s a warmer tone, like if I add caramel or butterscotch balayage. Without all of those, I look too severe and almost dead.
Agora
I know wedding advice isn’t always the topic of this board, but everyone gives such thoughtful advice I thought it wouldn’t hurt to see if anyone had useful tips. If you’re not interested in wedding stuff, feel free to skip!
I have a large number of bridesmaids and I would like them to wear dresses in the same color palette but not the exact same color. Ideally I would like them to choose their own dresses (rather than have a few preselected colors/styles through a bridal salon which I find typically overpriced and not with the best selections). Does anyone have experience going this route for bridesmaids? Pros are: everyone chooses a dress that they feel good in and matches their style and budget. Cons are: it could end up being a lot of extra work for me in making sure styles go well together. It could also result in awkward saying no to certain styles etc.
Anonymous
How about: giving them options: please nominate a blue dress and if they are all ones that would harmonize well, that’s what we’ll do.
Cb
I don’t know, I feel like as a bridesmaid, I’d rather either get told what to wear from a bridal shop or given 5 or 6 retail options. Finding something and getting approval sounds pretty stressful for both parties.
Worry about yourself
Same, I feel like every time I need to go out and find an outfit or article of clothing that meets certain guidelines, I can’t find it, no matter how “standard” it might seem to the person issuing those guidelines. I could be told to get a white, button down shirt and it’ll be like every retailer that season decided that was too basic and out of style to bother offering. I’d rather have the bride do some recon first, find a few styles, and say “pick from these.” If the bride wants to be both flexible AND helpful, she could give people the option of wearing a dress that’s similar to the ones she sends out, they just need to send her a picture for approval.
staple
This 100%.
Bride: “Here are options A-E, or you can pick something similar and send me photo for approval.”
Anon
To go this route, why not pick several dresses you like from a department store and let the bridesmaids choose whichever dress they like best?
Anon
+1. Micromanaging unlimited selections sounds like the worst. Of course, you could just have them select their own dresses and not retain veto power, but is sounds like you want to be in control.
Anonymous
I like this idea.
Irish Midori
The more constraints you put on on it, the harder that plan is. If it’s VERY basic requirements, it can work. I told my (only 3) bridesmaids to wear knee-length black dresses–and that was it. Even then, I didn’t like one of the dresses one of them initially picked out. Thankfully, her mother offered to buy her a new LBD for the occasion, and it was much nicer. I found that I thought I didn’t care about a lot of details (like what dresses they wore), but when people chose things, I actually did have opinions. I wish I’d been just a tad more dictatorial to make it easier on everyone rather than having to make them guess what I liked (when I didn’t know myself).
AnonMom
We did this! Small wedding party (2 bridesmaids and 2 flower girls), and we were using silk flowers in shades of lavender and cornflower blue. I gave each of them a flower sample, told them to find dresses that matched the sample in a style that they liked. (No one was going to pick anything outrageous so I was not worried about inappropriate styles or anything like that.) The flower girls had the same dress in a floral pattern that included both colors, one bridesmaid went with lavender, the other went with blue, and it worked out great. I love that our photos are not stuffy or matchy-matchy but we all still go together.
Irish Midori
That might work–if you give them a definite palate. But only if they are into the fun. As a hypothetical bridesmaid, I would possibly be a bit annoyed with the task, as I don’t have any good dress stores nearby, and lack the time to drive to a big city to shop. I would like a couple of online options you’ve already vetted.
Anonymous
As a bridesmaid who is thrilled to join your special day, I don’t have the time to search for a dress I like that fits me well…only to have you say I can’t wear it and start over. Pick a bunch that are acceptable and let me choose from that selection.
kk
Take a look at brideside- they have a huge selection. Each bridal party receives a concierge, who coordinates matching/coordinating and orders. The service is free, and the dresses are priced the same way they would be anywhere else. I found it was so helpful to outsource the coordinating to this concierge person- they were the bad guy about making sure everyone was ordered on time and was generally in theme – I didnt have to nag my friends.
Abby
I did this! I had 6 bridesmaids, I wanted similar shades (light blues & purples) and different dresses. It was a lot of initial work, but I think it turned out great. I ordered them all from Lulu’s, and I think they have a built in wedding side now that would make it easier than what I did.
I ordered all of the dresses I thought I’d want in the shades I wanted (I asked Lulu’s if they’d send me swatches instead and they said no, so this was the way I had to go) and all of my local bridesmaids came over and we tried them on. After we found ones that looked nice, we put them next to each other to make sure the shades worked (honestly the hardest part – I double checked with my wedding planner to make sure it was cohesive).
I let my bridesmaids know which dresses seemed like they’d work, and they told me their top 3, and it was pretty easy to assign dresses after that. Returned all the dresses that we didn’t need, and girls who weren’t local ordered theirs online.
It was stressful for me for about a week, but I think me giving these guidelines made it easier on my bridesmaids because majority of them got to give input, and they got to pick the style and color they wanted. I highly suggest Lulu’s, I thought the dresses looked really nice, but I’m most proud of the fact that the average cost for the dresses was $61.
Note: Most of them had to get their dress hemmed, and it was $60-$80 due to multiple layers of the long dresses from Lulu’s. But then again, most bridesmaids have to get their dresses hemmed anyway.
Trixie
This sounds exhausting, and assumes that the bridesmaids live locally, which is rarely the case these days.
Just tell me what to wear.
Anonymous
I saw somebody in a wedding group who put together a bridal party palette using paint chips from Home Depot and listed a couple places to find dresses but stressed those weren’t the only places. That way the bridesmaids knew the color range to choose from and had ideas for places to look but weren’t limited. It was cute but looked like a lot of work.
I only had 2 bridesmaids but I just picked a color and told them to order any dress from Azazie in that color. Maybe it was a little overpriced but it was easy for all of us and they were happy/comfortable with the styles they chose (and the brand is inclusive/does free custom sizing). (In fact, one of my bridemaids took her dress off after the reception and gave it an attendee friend of mine who asked to borrow it for a formal wedding she’s going to in 2 weeks!)
Anonymous
If you are going into this caring about styles and shades going well together and contemplating vetoing dresses please do not do this. It doesn’t make anything easier for your bridesmaids at all. If you care about coordinating a palate of colors and silhouettes please please please just pick a bridesmaid dress company, pick a few colors and styles, and let them choose.
anon
Yikes, this sounds impossibly hard. As a bridesmaid, I’d be freaking out about not getting it right and pretty annoyed by the request. Especially when you’re dealing with multiple colors AND styles — and a big bridal party. It’s going to be a lot of work for you to vet everything. Really, the idea that everyone will pick a bridesmaid’s dress that they can wear again, is, in my opinion, wishful thinking. Just pick something, in the colors you like, and give them input over the style.
Cat
Assuming you are talking 5+ bridesmaids, this sounds unwieldy. Might be easier if you choose a store that has a good variety of dresses that coordinate (I’m thinking how Jean of Extra Petite did this with champagne-peach-sparkly for her bridesmaids at Anthro / BHLDN)?
Anon
I really like how my sister in law handled this. I can’t remember the designer right now but I can check when i get home. There is a designer that has tons of different style bridesmaids dresses in different colors and styles that all coordinate. My SIL told us to all get floor length black ones but we could pick whatever style we liked from that designer. They weren’t cheap but they were under $200 I think. The one I picked I have since reworn to a couple of black tie events.
You could pick a few colors from this designer and tell them they can pick any style in those colors. Or you could pick a few styles you like.
I think the only thing you want to watch out for is the “odd women out” situation where you let them pick and they all pick blue but one picks green or something. They can probably coordinate that among themselves though.
Nesta
Yeah, any time I’ve heard of wedding parties doing this, it’s just a disaster. I would recommend picking a color and a fabric at a place like Azazie or David’s and just going with it. People understand that this is what being a bridesmaid entails.
Nesta
That is to say, pick the color and fabric and let each bridesmaid pick her own style within those parameters if the look you’re going for is different-but-coordinated.
C2
Yes, this, especially if you have more than a couple bridesmaids. I’ve been on both sides of this coin as a bridesmaid. I think often the problem is, you assume the bridesmaid will be more comfortable in a dress she picks, but she may also be forced to buy a dress she doesn’t really like or doesn’t fit her well because it’s hard to find something that fits your vision in regular retail. She also has to scour the internet/stores to find the right dress in the perfect color in a size that actually fits her. As a size 16, this is more of a PITA than you could possibly imagine.
Also, please consider the dress sizes of your bridesmaids and make sure the range of dresses you pick will fit them all. If you’re asking the ‘maids to spend more than $150 on a short dress or $200 for a long dress, think really hard about whether the extra dollars are getting you much.
Signed, always the bridesmaid (like, 7x).
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, this would be my recommendation. I was in a wedding that was “just pick a light blue dress from whereever, but if you could get a shade close to the other bridesmaid, it would be good” and it was honestly harder (even when only trying to coordinate with one other bridesmaid) than the “pick one of the many styles from David’s bridal in this color/fabric.” I would just pick a couple of coordinating color/fabric options from David’s or similar that you like and let them pick from the different style options within those options.
Jane Lane
I was just going to say that this is why places like Azazie and David’s exist. I was in a wedding a year ago where we all picked a dress from Azazie in the color the bride chose. Easy, not horribly expensive, size-inclusive, and just totally recommended. I would cry if you made me find a dress at a local shop and then required approval.
The original Scarlett
This is common and easy and on-trend for weddings now. I’d suggest getting over on a wedding blog where you’ll find a lot of advice on this.
Anonymous
Nah it isn’t easy
The original Scarlett
Fair, easy may be a strong word, but it’s common and there’s a lot of vendors that do this. Here’s an article with good advice on how-to
https://apracticalwedding.com/mismatched-bridesmaid-dresses-tips/
Anonymous
Yeah I feel like you’re missing the point we are all making. It’s easy if you just pick a vendor. Not if you go completely open pick whatever. Your link is literally an ad for Brideside, a bridesmaid dress company.
The original Scarlett
Eh I haven’t read the whole thread, I get it, it’s a nightmare no matter what you do, but there was good advice in between the ad, and my point is only that it’s common now, there’s vendors that do it, that’s one of em, and wedding blogs are better resources for stuff like this
Signed, I eloped but was a bridesmaid about 20 times and never saw everyone happy with the dress except when bride said wear whatever you want and I’ll give you a bouquet
anon
It’s not easy. It looks easy and effortless, but it is, in fact, effort-full.
G*d, I am so sick of trends that come off as easy/breezy/casual but are actually a ton of work to execute.
Anon
I told my wo bridesmaids that they could wear whatever they wanted to, in jewel tones, that was approximately the same level of formality.
It was more stressful for them than anticipated. I finally just sent them about twelve options from Nordstrom, and one of the bridesmaids was able to describe what she liked and didn’t like about them. That was communicated to the other bridesmaid, who picked out a dress from David’s and said, “sort of like this?” They both wore it in the same colour.
I’m a convert to getting the dresses at a place like David’s. The range of sizes, styles, colours, and lengths make it really easy fo everyone to find coordinating dresses they like.
anon
Yeah, there’s a reason why places like David’s exist. It makes things so much easier on everyone.
Anon
Yep. One got the long length and one got knee length. They both wanted the same sapphire as their top choice, but mismatched would have been fine.
Once they chose, I told my SIL that the flower girl dresses just had to coordinate, and gave the thumbs-up to cranberry and peach from Amazon. MIL wore burgundy, mother wore purple, and it looked fantastic.
Thing was, someone needed to narrow down options and make a decision. And the huge range of options from David’s just made it easy.
anon
This sounds like a really pretty color palette!
Anon
Thank you! It all looked so nice together, lovely for a winter wedding, and everyone liked their dresses.
Anon09er
I was a bridesmaid a year and a half ago where the bride had the bridesmaids pick a consensus color from her list of 3 or 4, then we all could pick whatever dress we wanted from David’s (although we were still asked to get her approval and there was some fabric she didn’t like). It was easy and while the dresses are horribly polyester crap, they photograph well. And I dearly love my friend, so I was just thrilled to stand up at her wedding.
Sarabeth
The way to do this is to go to a store with a solid bridesmaid’s gown selection, and pick a set of blue fabrics that satisfy your parameters of similar-but-not-exactly-the-same. Then assign each bridesmaid a color, and let her choose a dress in that fabric.
Anonymous
Yes yes yes.
I was in a wedding once where the bride said “choose whatever dresses you want as long as they all look good together.” It was a freaking nightmare.
Anon
For my wedding I had my bridesmaids wear any black dress they wanted. Any length, any style, just black. It was gorgeous. But, I didn’t ask to see or approve any of the dresses. I think the only way this works is if you’re not going to micro-manage it to death.
ElisaR
my friend did this and I was one of the bridesmaids. It was fine. She actually mailed all 6 of us 6 fabric swatches in what I would call the “magenta” family (we were spread across the country). We each bought our own dress. I got mine on the sale rack for $25 WOOWHOOO. The whole group looked very nice and unique. It wasn’t that hard. She wasn’t too bride-zilla — I mean, she didn’t shoot down any options that people came up with. What really matters that day is the bride anyway, so I say go for it!
nutella
I’m not trying to be a dissenter, but more wanting to pose some food for thought. Your bridesmaids could just wear what they are want to wear that makes them look and feel fabulous and is within the ‘dress code’ of the wedding. Hear me out — you’ve seen this photo before, it’s the one of the big group of all your college friends, for example, where it’s a mix of bridesmaids and all your good friends who weren’t bridesmaids and it’s a great photo and everyone looks fabulous because they are all dressed as themselves. Or the whole family together where everyone is wearing different outfits but their “very best” and they all look awesome! There’s truly no rule that you have to have them all match or coordinate – or that they even need to stand up next to you during the whole ceremony. But! You should do what you want and if having coordinating colors standing up next to you is what you want, then I agree with others to give them options from which to choose. I was MOH to a bride like you once and it took about 3 months of her nixing my proposals until she finally just told me she wanted me in a short gold dress. Why didn’t you just tell me that from the start!
aBr
Adding to the chorus, my sister did this and it was way more stressful that you would image. If everyone is standard sizes with a $200-$300 budget, Bhldn would be the way to do it. Otherwise, everyone just gets stressed out about trying to match the level of formality and style — e.g., a loose flowy silk dress versus a structured dress – both are technically formal but it looks off. So, yah, unless you know that your friends are good shoppers, I would set some clear guidelines and provide examples.
Anon
That vision is for people who want to spend a LOT of time shopping together as an activity or have a very involved wedding planner to wrangle the process. This will be hard for the bridesmaids if you don’t fit that criteria. Imagine If maids 1 and 2 pick complementary gowns, but then 3,4, and 5 pick ones that look good together but not with 1 and 2, what do you do? People have to start over? Nobody wants to spend more than 1 day picking their bridesmaids dress out, so make the plan with that in mind – either you pick a particular set of color and style options at a place like David’s or you do the work of picking a dozen options from Nordstrom’s (free returns) that your bridesmaids can choose from and make it either first-come first-serve if you want everyone in a different dress or be okay with duplicates.
anon
My sister did this. She picked a bridesmaid dress designer, three fabric colors, and three or four dress style options that came in the colors she picked. She assigned each girl a color and they could pick any dress they wanted our of the four. It was easy for us and everything went together because everything was the same fabric in different colors. If you want to ensure it photographs well and looks good together, I would recommend giving controlled choices. Its easier for the bridesmaids too. My bridesmaids all wore the same color, but I let them pick out of 4 style options. They were more concerned with making sure the styles coordinated than I was, and I think giving bridesmaids free range to pick anything might actually be more stressful for them than just choosing from limited options. If you don’t want to use a bridal salon (which may be overpriced, but they do know what they are doing) you can do the same thing at another store by just picking a few dresses that you think go well together.
Anon
I just want to say that I’ve found David’s Bridal a nightmare to deal with in more ways than I could have anticipated. If they have the dresses you want, that is okay–you are the bride–but please don’t choose David’s just to do your bridesmaids a favor.
Blueberries
Why do the dresses need to go together? They’re just people you love standing with you as you get married. I did fine asking for a color range and general level of formality, though I wish I had just specified the level of formality.
Worry about yourself
One thing to think about, would it bother you if a guest shows up in one of the bridesmaid colors, or in a dress that closely resembles what the bridesmaids are wearing? Because if that would bother you, it’s best to limit the bridal party colors to 1-3, because the more colors involved, or the broader the palette, the more likely it is that a guest will inadvertently show up looking like one of the bridesmaids. Again, that might not bother you, although it might still be embarrassing for that guest and someone in your family might decide to take issue on your behalf, so someone might need to be on “tell Aunt Linda to calm down” duty.
anon
I did this too. I think it works best with neutrals so you’re not dealing with different shades of colors that may or may not match. I asked all bridesmaids to pick a floor length black dress. You can’t really mess that up, so no micromanaging required.
Anon
Part of my job is now supervising several attorney’s handling of certain types of cases (this is about 1/3 of my workload). They generally work independently and come to me for guidance and approval for certain actions. I’ve realized that it would be helpful to me to have some sort of system to be able to proactively check in with them and follow up on certain cases, but there are no specific deadlines involved.
Does anyone here who manages people have suggestions for a good way of tracking these things? I can’t buy or download any software on my work computer, but I can use outlook, a word doc, a spreadsheet or a notebook. I keep track of my own work on my outlook calendar and a notebook and this system works for me, but I can’t figure out a good way for this other work.
mascot
How about a standing meeting with them? Say, every Tuesday at 10, you have a quick touch base, preferably in person. Technology is great for keeping people organized, but adding items to a checklist doesn’t do much for building relationships or teaching skills.
Anon
Yep, I have a standing check-in with my boss Mondays at 10. Helpful just to chat and see what we’re both working on and set priorities for the week.
Anon
I’ve wanted to do this but it doesn’t work both because of their schedules as well as my schedule — haphazard meetings-as-needed work best for our workflow, but I do have set aside “office hours” when I guarantee that I’m available. I talk to each of them in person several times a week, so I do feel like we have a lot of relationship building going on.
Anonymous
I’m required to periodically send a status list to my boss. It lists my current projects, the tasks that need to be done, status of those tasks, comments, deadlines, etc. It has two parts: (1) a priority list, and (2) a table in priority order with the information discussed above. This works better for us than a standing touch base. But I know my husband’s company is big on the touch base meeting with success.
Irish Midori
My (shared) paralegal took a new job, and today is her last day. I’m so sad. :-( This is the second really awesome paralegal I’ve lost in as many years.
Anon
Maybe you should pay your paralegals more.
Sorry you’re losing them. That must suck.
Irish Midori
I know. Sadly, I have 0 control over compensation or hiring where I am. I take what I’m given and make the best of it. Right now I’m feeling pretty dim hope about that.
Anonymous
Can anyone recommend a a disney or non-disney resort to stay for a trip to Disney next month? I have a 2 and 4 year old and we plan to do Magic Kingdom two days and the other two or three days spend time at the hotel pool (hopefully heated) and do disney springs. Budget is about $300/night. Would like a little bit of luxury so that might mean we need to do non-disney hotel (disney luxury is looking like its $500+!).
Mrs. Jones
I rec staying at a Disney property esp with kids who need naptime.
Anonymous
Stay in a Disney hotel. Idk what you mean by luxury but what you need is a Disney hotel
anne-on
Use a travel agent. Seriously. They know ALLL the tricks and will get you the best discount on a Disney hotel/fast pass info/etc. Small world vacations is one I’ve used and recommend. If you don’t want to stay at Disney my preference in the area is the JW Marriott or the Ritz, the pools/gold/kids clubs are great.
https://www.mousesavers.com/working-with-a-travel-agent/#sue
A.
Agree with this 100%. I have a great Disney agent who got us a screaming deal on the Grand Floridian resort over spring break. Her email is Heidi AT tripstothemouse.com.
Anon
Stay at a hotel on-property.
If you insist on off site, the Lowe’s Portofino is luxurious. I’ve stayed there for a conference.
Anon
I love staying on-property at Disney – it’s so much easier. I enjoyed the Caribbean Beach Resort, and it has a fun fortress themed pool area for kids as well as a few other pools. I’ve also heard nice things about the Boardwalk Inn and the Yacht Club but I think those are a bit pricier.
Z
The “value” resorts at Disney are great for families like yours. All-star sports, movies, and music resorts, pop century, or Art of Animation (most expensive of the group, but also the newest). I’m personally staying at Port Orleans Riverside next year.
Bean74
Disney’s Contemporary Resort is a dream if you’re only doing Magic Kingdom. You can walk or take the monorail which is helpful if you need to get back to the hotel in a hurry. It’s pricey, but worth it for the ease in my opinion.
Definitely look into a travel agent for this to get the best price. I’ve had good luck using American Express travel services for Disney if you’re a cardholder.
Beaglelover
Please also check debs site allears.net, you will find great review info. Yes to staying on property and taking little guys home at 2 pm for a pool play and/or nap, will be rested and ready for afternoon parades and evening fireworks!
Nice Dishes
I’m looking to buy a set of nice dishware for holidays/parties. We recently bought a bigger home and have been entertaining more often. I think I need enough for at least 16 people. My every day dishes are Corelle white – great for kids at the kitchen table but not as attractive for sit down parties in our dining room. The Pottery Barn line of stores is having a sale today. Does anyone have the PB Classic Rim or the Cambria line? How does it wear? Any suggestions for others? I have 16 matte silver charger plates from Pier One so I’m looking for white dishes or maybe white with a silver border. Would like to be able to match server ware and replace parts over time. Also my dining room table is on the narrow side (40 inches) so would like smaller profile plates. Thanks!
Anon
How long is your table if it seats 16? Just curious as I have been looking at dining room tables.
Nice Dishes
It’s 90 inches (with two leaves) but we usually add a foldable table of the same width when we have a large party.
anne-on
I got these in our registry and they’re dishwasher safe and have held up well over the years. The brassiere set is also very sturdy and well reviewed:
https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/brasserie-all-white-dinnerware-place-setting/?pkey=ctabletop-place-settings&isx=0.0.2200
https://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/pillivuyt-queen-anne-porcelain-dinnerware-place-setting/?pkey=ctabletop-place-settings&isx=0.0.2600
Anon
Crate and Barrel Aspen line (white) looks great, very durable and you can easily replace….
Anonymous
I anti-recommend Crate and Barrel Maison – ours chipped quickly. We ended up getting some IKEA plates, which have some glaze imperfections but are otherwise great. The Wirecutter recommends these: https://www.potterybarn.com/products/caterers-dinner-plate/
anon
We’ve had Crate and Barrel Staccato since we got married 20+ years ago. They’ve held up well but are starting to look very worn. However, I think they had a good run!
Anon
Possibly not all that helpful to you now, but a few years ago, Wal-Mart had plain white ceramic dishes with a pretty raised edge for Christmas. When Christmas was over, they went on clearance with the rest of the Christmas stuff. I bought 24 place settings (dinner plates, salad plates, bowls) for maybe $50-60. They’ve worn like iron.
I think it’s generally true that you don’t need to spend PB money to get the PB look.
Anon
Not sure about PB, but I entertain frequently and have this set, which wears like iron. 4+ years and I have one chip in one plate.
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/mikasa-antique-white-40-pc.-dinnerware-set-service-for-8?ID=1620083&CategoryID=73551#fn=BRAND%3DMikasa
lsw
I love Mikasa and they have worn beautifully for me. Not expensive either.
Coach Laura
I have Mikasa Trellis from Costco, which is very pretty white with a raised pattern. It’s on sale now at Macys. Costco doesn’t have Trellis now but in store they have Mikasa china patterns online.
midtown anon
ditto on the mikasa, and you can get boxed sets from costco. I got 2 sets of 6 years ago and love them.
Anonymous
I have PB, it has held up well.
Eliza
We’ve had the PB Cambria plates for 5 years and they’ve held up beautifully. They’re oversized, though, so not likely what you want.
Walnut
Late to the suggestion, but I’ve had the PB caters collection and Fiestaware as my day to day plates/bowls for about six years and they wear like Corelle. Huge fans of both and fully recommend.
Miss
I bought this skirt during the anniversary sale and have been happy with it overall. It’s pretty long (I’m 5’6”) and can tend towards frumpy so I feel like I have to wear high heels with it. And the front pockets pooch out when I sit down. But the color is great and it’s a heavier knit that hangs well. I found a jacket that’s close enough to use as a suit.
Anononon
I also got it, but shortened it ever so slightly (I am 5’2″, so there’s that to contend with as well) and had the skirt narrowed towards the hem so it goes in more around my knees rather than hanging straight down. Those two changes have made a world of difference and this is a staple in my rotation now.
Backpack
I know this has been asked before, but I think most of the prior recs are not really what I’m looking for. I need a work backpack for my new casual workplace. I really like the look of the Haerfest travel backpack, but it looks like it would be too bulky. I want something that doesn’t stick out that much from my back. My criteria are: Not Tumi, no branding (so the Dagne Dover one is out), very minimalist look, leather or nylon, and available in colors that aren’t black. Budget up to $400. TIA!
anon a mouse
I like the look of the Away daypack. Their backpack comes in more colors but looks bulkier.
Backpack
Ooo! This looks like it might work and I can go see it at the Away store! Thanks! I honestly really hate the way the Away suitcases look, but love the backpack!
Anon
I’ve used my Osprey DayLite plus for years of bike commuting. It’s super comfortable, works with my bigger Osprey pack for actual camping, and The only downside is that my laptop won’t fit in it, but anything short of my 15.6″ display will fit fine (it only barely doesn’t fit), and I don’t like to bike with my computer.
https://www.rei.com/product/895887/osprey-daylite-plus-pack
Anonymous
Roots might have something
Anonymous
Brahmin
Anonymous
I bought a Knomo aimed at men and like it a lot
CTAtty
I have and like my ISM backpack. https://ism-sf.com/products/classic-black
First Time Thanksgiving Host
I’m hosting my first big Thanksgiving this year for my family and I’m so excited! We just moved into a larger house with great living areas and a dining room. We have an 8-seat table and will do folding tables to accommodate everyone – 20-25 people, including 3 toddlers and 2 kids under 8 years old. I’ve got the cooking covered, decor not so much.
What do you recommend I do to make the house festive, including the tablescape? I don’t want to be crazy over the top but I’d love to really make things come together nicely. The house is new to us so I still have a little more basic decorating to do (dress up the mantle, for example) and the dining table is otherwise bare. Any recs apart from Pinterest, which I’m already starting to scan? I won’t be doing any crazy DIY cornucopia making (who has time for that??) but any great hacks or design elements would be most appreciated!
Anon
Send the kids (if they are yours) out to cut a few branches of trees with changing leaves. Look for pinecones/acorns etc along the way. Buy a bag or two of those multicolored mini pumpkins at Halloween – they will easily last until thanksgiving. Buy a few larger squash to go with them – acorn squash, whatever looks pretty at the grocery store.
Buy a few fall leaf towels and maybe a pumpkin or cinnamon scented candle, if you like those, and you’re all set.
You don’t want a lot of stuff on your table as you’ll need it for the food.
Anon
I should add that when I’m done with seasonal squash I cut them in half and put them out for the squirrels, who are usually pretty psyched about it.
Cat
Pretty & easy centerpiece — green leafy garlands (eucalyptus etc), mini white pumpkins, tea lights. Bonus points that it’s low to the table so easy to talk and pass things around.
Anon
Yay! Hosting holidays is so fun! (If you’re the entertaining type who doesn’t dread this sort of thing haha.)
My first Thanksgiving, I picked up one of Williams-Sonoma’s beautiful fall jacquard tablecloths. I’m a huge bargain hunter, but that tablecloth is absolutely worth the money and I love pulling it out every November. The tablecloth looks formal, but when it’s paired with white dishes and white napkins, it just feels special, not formal. (If you have a PB outlet, they sometimes get WS tablecloths and you can get a great deal on them.)
Around the house, I have a few subdued faux pumpkins in shades of rust or gold – nothing in your face orange, but they echo the season. I just leave them out for Thanksgiving. I pick up some funky gourds and Indian corn at the market and put them in a wire or wicker basket on the sideboard (stuff the bottom of the basket with crumpled newspaper or canned goods or small bowls – anything, really – if your basket is big and you need to prop up the gourds so they sit nicely on top).
For extra guests, I put a runner on the coffee table and set places around the coffee table – my MIL does it and it’s fun and feels more comfortable than rickety card tables. I put a low flower arrangement on the center of the coffee table; I don’t have enough room on the main table for flowers, but would if I could. Just grocery store flowers :)
anon
All of this! I LOVE hosting Thanksgiving. I try to use as many natural materials as I can — pumpkins, gourds, acorns, branches, eucalyptus leaves that I pick up at Trader Joe’s right before the holiday. Then I layer in a nice tablecloth and napkins. White dishes are a staple in my house. I’ve used Thanksgiving as a chance to invest in a few nicer serving pieces and cookware in a mix of whites and creams. Now that I’ve hosted 5+ years, those pieces are starting to have memories attached, which feels fun and meaningful. Don’t feel like you have to do everything at once!
I love decorating for fall in general — much more so than Christmas, honestly — so my house is decorated for the season in September and I just add in a few fresh pieces, like the eucalyptus, close to the holiday.
lsw
Interesting pumpkins are quick and easy! Maybe get some paper or cloth napkins in fall colors?
Greensleeves
My top recommendation, given that you will have kids there, is to put a tablecloth that can be colored on the kids table. I have gotten them in a Thanksgiving theme from both Target and Amazon in the last few years. I also got some triangular shaped crayons so they wouldn’t roll off the table. The kids love it and it keeps them busy for quite a bit longer than just eating would, so there’s a little more time for the adults to eat and talk. (Frankly, the adults usually end up at that table later and enjoy the coloring too!) When the kids were younger, I also had a Thanksgiving set of Little People toys on the kids table that was very popular. As they’ve gotten a bit older they no longer play with that, but the coloring is still a hit!
We don’t have a very fancy approach to our Thanksgiving meal, at least in terms of tableware, so I just use Thanksgiving themed disposable tablecloths and plates for the adult tables. I do have a number of ceramic and metal pumpkins and a few other fall decorations, so I have those out and feel like that’s enough.
anon
OMG, I want those Thanksgiving Little People! That would be such a hit in our house.
anonshmanon
Agree that you want to go easy with table decorations. One or two larger pieces at most, that can be removed swiftly when the food comes out.
Instead of a scented candle, you can put on a pot of hot apple cider with some cinnamon (in a Crock-Pot if you are short on stove burners), while people arrive. Gives everyone a hot beverage and makes the house smell fantastic.
Anon
Awesome!!! Every year I get smaller pumpkins from the farm market – by Thanksgiving time they’re going on sale. Get the carving kind..you can do orange, white too…cut off tops and take out seeds (roast later)….get green oasis and soak in water – cut chunk to fit in pumpkin….then buy grocery bunches of fall flowers (mums etc) and arrange in pumpkin vases. I get tons of compliments and always give them to the ladies as favors to take home! Someone sent me flowers from Costco one year….their flowers are gorgeous!!!
Anon
Has anyone here ever heard of cluster headache? I am 26 and I have just been diagnosed with cluster headache. IDK if any of you have ever heard of it.
To me, it’s a kind of extreme severe headache that attacks 10am and 6pm everyday with intense pain around one or both sides of my temples. Each attack lasts 30-60 minutes, during which it’s impossible for me to do anything other than holding my head, crying even shouting. Each cluster period lasts at least 2 months, followed by headache-free remission periods. And then it’s another cluster period, etc.. I know a lot of you here suffers from migraines. I have both. And trust me, migraine pain is nothing comparable to cluster headache.
I currently work at a Fortune 500 investment bank front desk and weekly work hours is usually above 100 hours. Cluster headaches has already make me unable to continue my career. On the other hand, I love this job and don’t intend to quit it. And advice?
Anonymous
Are you being treated by a neurologist? Can you take leave to try and get this under control? Unfortunately for all headaches lack of sleep and stress are triggers, so working 100 hours a week is probably incompatible with your health.
Anon
There’s nothing he can do about it.
anon
Find another neurologist, then.
Anon
Well, he’s already my 3rd neurologist.
lsw
What is your neurologist suggesting?
Anon
There’s nothing he can do about it.
lsw
OK. I think you’re a troll and I have no idea what you’re trying to get out of posting here, but why don’t you find another neurologist? They are going to give you much better advice than randos on a messageboard.
Anon
Because the disease is very rare and nearly impossible to find a treatment. In fact, it’s my 3rd neurologist already.
Anonymous
Agreed. A lot of similarities with frequent troll posts about headaches and migraines. I have no idea what you get out of posting here, but it’s getting tired.
No Problem
Cluster headaches are a totally different category of headache from migraines and are rare and difficult to treat. She’s not a troll.
BT
You work 100 hours a week? How is that even sustainable? I think your body is telling you to slow down. Figure out what you like about the job and find a way to do it in a less all consuming way.
pugsnbourbon
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. While I’ve never experienced cluster headaches myself, I’ve heard them described as “suicide headaches” because the pain is so severe.
My first rec would be to see a different neurologist. It’s inexcusable for any medical professional to do the equivalent of a shrug when you’re experiencing debilitating episodes like this.
Second rec would be to try to cut back on hours, at least temporarily. 100-hour weeks aren’t sustainable for anyone, period.
ElisaR
a good friend of mine has suffered from cluster headaches for years. He uses oxygen therapy with some success to treat them. if you google cluster headaches oxygen therapy there is a lot of information on it.
Miss
Migraine World Summit has had talks on cluster headaches. There was one about alternative treatments this year. You should be able to purchase archived talks.
Anonymous
I am personally okay with venturing into integrative/functional territory for pain conditions if that means trying some low-cost, low-risk interventions to see if they seem to help. Placebo effect is just fine with me if it’s safe, cheap, and means I’m not in pain!
My bias is that I saw several consecutive neurologists for symptoms they diagnosed as “idiopathic small fiber neuropathy,” and they said there was nothing they could do to help. But my symptoms have now 90% resolved with B12 shots (you may have thought that all the pernicious anemia in my family history would have been a clue, but only my PCP took the time to look at my family history).
So if there’s something low risk you can try that even a small/weak study says may help cluster headaches, what have you got to lose?
Amberwitch
I don´t suffer from cluster headache myself, but it is in my family. There is some anecdotal ‘evidence’ it might be inherited, and also that it might have a hormonal component – arriving in teenagers, disappearing at menopause. You may be able to identify triggers and avoid them (I’ve heard of beer as a trigger, or the smell of oranges), but as far as I know medicine is very much hit and especially miss – and individual, so what works for someone else will probably not work for you.
FormerlyPhilly
Any comments on the quality of the clothing brand Poetry? Link to follow.
They (randomly?) sent me a catalog. Good materials… lots of wool, cotton. Pretty pricey so not sure if cost is worth it.
FormerlyPhilly
https://www.poetryfashion.com/?Media=CLDAG015&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIge3gsZfx5AIVh4nICh0TGwAyEAAYASAAEgKAt_D_BwE
Annony
I bought a cashmere poncho from them a few years ago. The quality of this piece is excellent and I love it – the color and drape are perfect. However, I found that most of the stuff in the catalog just wasn’t quite different enough (style-wise) to justify the cost, so I haven’t ordered anything else.
Anon
Does anyone know anything about alternative communication devices or a good resource to research these? My mom has a benign brain tumor and she has already exhausted all treatment options (multiple brain surgeries), but they keep growing. She no longer has use of her dominant hand so she can’t write, can only do some things with her non dominant hand and is currently losing her ability to speak, but she understands everything. It is like she is trapped in her own body because she cannot communicate what she wants or needs. She is so frustrated and it is beyond heart breaking. She is also fairly young – only mid 60s. She would be able to push a button that matches to a certain picture, etc. This board is often a wealth of information so I thought I would see if anyone has any ideas
Anonymous
With the caveat that I have only heard of these things and never used one or seen on in person, but don’t they have picture communication boards for people who are little to non verbal? So, no reading or writing, but you can point to a picture of food, outside, etc., It’s not a high tech thing (or, it doesn’t have to be) and if you don’t have control of your dominant hand, but can point to things, you can still communicate.
TorontoNewbie
Yes! I recommend My Voice. They make two apps called RocketKeys and TalkRoget Go. Based in Toronto. Will post a link. It was originally developed for kids on the autistic spectrum but my cousin who is a physiotherapist specializing in post-stroke rehab uses it with her patients.
TorontoNewbie
Link here: http://myvoiceaac.com/
anon
I am really sorry you’re going through this. It is heartbreaking. It’s been awhile now, but when my grandma had ALS, speech was the first thing to go. Hand strength was second. She had a device with a keyboard that spoke for her. I have no clue what it was called, and the technology is undoubtedly better now, but I would look up a few resources for people with ALS, because they suffer from many of the same issues that your mom is facing.
Again, I cannot express how sorry I am that your family is going through this. It was a life-changing experience for mine, and seeing your loved one basically trapped in their own body is an exquisite form of torture.
Anonymous
I was going to suggest looking up resources for ALS patients too
anon
You want to look into augmentative and alternative communication and maybe the American Speech-Language-Hearing association.
A good friend of mine is a professional at a company developing solutions for people that need alternative communication, and there are many individual ways to address each case. I’d recommend them, but they are in Germany, so that might not help you. Think about how Stephen Hawking had a speech computer steered by the movement of his pupils.
anon
Anon 11:50 has listed the right resources. A good SLP with AAC experience can provide evaluation and funding options. There are good ipad apps that may work well now; eyegaze devices may be an option later. My daughter uses a Tobii/Dynavox device that is also used by adults with ALS. If she has some verbal ability you may want to look into voice banking, recording key phrases. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Elegant Giraffe
+1 on the SLP suggestion
S in Chicago
Any suggestions for posture help? After being sedentary in a horrible job with long hours, I’ve finally started walking on our treadmill and am getting lower back pain. (I used to run darn it!) I think the problem is 100 percent my posture—just standing and catching a look at myself in the mirror normally, I can see I’m rolling my shoulders forward and my hips are tipped considerably. Any recommendations on best way to train myself back into more normal alignment? I’m too young to look like an old lady!
Anon
When you’re walking, adopt a mental mantra (or hell, if you’re alone, say it out loud!) “Butt in, chest out, shoulders back” in time with your steps. Yes, you’re basically marching, and that’s the point. :-)
LJ
While it might be your posture, you could also suffer from the same issue I do – sitting too much makes my hips tight, so when I walk a bunch, I have low back pain. Stretching my hips has helped greatly. (And I continue to work on my posture as that makes my shoulders/neck sore).
Hj
Yoga will help. There are a lot of free yoga on YouTube, some specifically for posture. Even it’s it just 10 mins you’ll feel the difference in posture and it will influence the rest of the day.
PolyD
Also you may need more core work. Once I started doing a group training class that included core exercises, I basically pretty much never had back problems anymore.
anon
This is true for me as well. Simple and and back exercise prevent me waking up with lower back pain.
Anonymous
Feldenkrais?
ER
Yoga! Been there, done that.
lsw
I think we have some Room and Board fans on here. Does anyone have experience with their sectionals? I love how customizable they are, but I’m still a little leery of buying a sofa I haven’t sat on. Any particular designs that people like?
Anon
I live about an hour away from one of their show rooms, and we just bought ours from there (it’s coming in less than a month, hopefully!). It’s the York, navy color. I can’t speak to long term usage for obvious reasons, but it was quite comfy when we sat on it (some of the other models had a much longer (?) seat, so that you had to lean far back to have your back touch the backrest, which I didn’t love.
RNMP
I have the Metro sectional. It wasn’t really on my radar on the website but ended up being our preferred one in the showroom. Their info on the website are very accurate about sizing (depth and height of seat will make or break a couch for me) and softness. The key, if you can’t make it to a showroom is to understand already what you want. I love the sofa, it’s kept it’s shape and washes great. Delivery was flawless.
lsw
Thanks! Maybe we just stop at a showroom on our next NYC or DC trip and check some out. I think I know what I like, but I don’t want to spend thousands and then realize it’s not quite right!
Anonymous
The DC R&B is in a neighborhood with great food. Easy to make an evening of it on your next trip.
Chi Squared
We have a customized Easton sectional. I’m short, and one of my criteria for a sofa is that my feet don’t dangle when I sit on a couch. Easton, although deep, is low to the ground, and thus met my criteria. It’s about 2 years old, and we’re very happy with it. Even though R&B’s website provides great information, you should definitely sit in a sofa before making such a big purchase. I thought I’d like the York, but it was too high and too firm. The Metro was a little too deep. Etc.
Anon
I have one of the pull out couches with chaise, which is kind of like a sectional and I adore it. I do highly recommend going to a showroom and sitting on them — after I was almost decided on this one, I basically sat down on it and texted friends for 45 minutes to see if it was still comfy. It was, and it made the decision easy. For such an expensive purchase, I would make the trip.
BB
We have a custom Reese sectional and love it! We had to wait quite a few months to get it in a custom fabric but it’s totally worth it. It’s 4 years old now and hasn’t sagged or anything, and has also put up with quite a bit of cat hair/puke and us eating on it 5 days a week. My only mild complaint is that the cushions don’t fit 100% perfectly on the bases, but I’m probably splitting hairs. They fit like 97% but the perfectionist in me doesn’t like the 1/2 inch one of them sticks out!
lsw
I was looking at custom fabric too, so, good to know! I agree, we should make the trip if we’re dropping the cash.
Anonymous
I highly recommend measuring the dimensions of the most comfortable chair in your house and using that to evaluate sofas. It’s not just the standard dimensions – it’s the dimensions of the seat in the sofa. So for example, I am tall and a lot of couches are just too low to the ground for my taste. Somewhere I have a list of the magic measurements for me based on the height and depth of the actual seat.
We have the Ian, which is fine but the arms are very hard – I would probably reconsider and not get that one.
Anonymous
What flats do you wear with skirts/dresses and bare legs and feet? I would love a black and nice pair. I don’t love ballet flats for work as it reads young to me, but I can’t find other options I like. I want to wear a sheath dress with flats, or a pencil skirt.
Anon
I do pointy toe flats and loafers, depending on the vibe I’m feeling. Usually from DSW or the Rack because I’m trying to reign my budget in.
ElisaR
I have AGL’s that have a nice little heel on them so they aren’t ballet flats exactly. A lot of their styles don’t appeal to me but I have the classic one with the buckle and have even had them re-soled after I wore them out. They are great. I also have the Chloe flats which are a ballet flat but I wear them with sheath dresses for sure. Depends on the length of the skirt I guess. Finding the right flats are a real challenge. Stuart Weitzman has had a few over the years but their styles change so the ones I am wearing today are no longer available (they have a very slight wedge).
ElisaR
also the cc corso como jullia flat would work and is a lower price point.
Anon
I wear pointy flats or low heels with some sort of instep strap or ankle strap.
anon a mouse
I wear my Rothys with skirts and bare legs. I’m partial to the point style because I think they read a little more formal than ballet flats. The black has a little bit of texture to it.
Obligatory referral link for $20 off:
https://share.rothys.com/x/utm4P6
Also, I like M.Gemi for a “nice” pair.
lsw
Pointy toe isn’t comfortable for me but I don’t like rounded toe, so I always look for almond toe or other less severe points. I find the M Gemi flat really comfy and also the Aimee from …metoo brand.
Anonymous
Cole Haan skimmers
Beans
Does anyone have an idea or estimate on what I can expect for annual merit increases at an in-house counsel position at a large insurance company? This is my first year and am looking for any guidance.
Anon
Not much above cost of living unless you’re getting promoted or hit it out of the park on a high visibility project.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
+1 The biggest movement for us at the end of the year is our bonuses, and actually, this year my promotional raise paled in comparison to the bump in my bonus percentage.
Nesta
Your boss should be willing and able to answer this question for you.
Anon
10 years in insurance HR — I would guess it will be somewhere between 2.5 & 4.5% for top performers
Anon
Cross-posting from moms page:
Ladies, please help me navigate the hell that a new classroom has apparently turned my preschooler’s life into. She’s been at this daycare for 1.5 years. She transferred rooms (2yo to 3yo) at the beginning of this year and it was pretty smooth. She’s was very social in her old classroom and, from what I understand, a bit of a class clown and a helper to younger kids. But now, in the 3.5-5yo classroom (she’s 3.75), I am dealing with daily fits as she screams “I don’t wanna go to school” “I don’t like my teachers” “I’m shy to my friends” “mamma don’t go to work, stay with me” etc. As my husband puts it, she went from being “killer queen” to FNG in a day. This is the end of week two and if I’m honest, it has only gotten worse. I have tried some voodoo stuff which is what my mom would do: I sewed her a special stuffy to take to school “to remind that mommy loves you”, I sent a pair of ear muffs for nap (because not all kids nap at this point and it can get loud) and even though it’s been raining, switched to walking instead of driving to school (it’s close enough) so we can get a little more time to talk in the morning. None of this is helping, at all. I’m so mentally exhausted and so sad for her having this terrible time. What can I do to help support her during this transition? It will get better, right??
Anon
Huh, this sounds like my 18 year old in her first semester of college right now. In other words, this is not the last time you’ll face some version of this.
You have to help your daughter weather changes, not undo the changes that are tough for her.
I suggest focusing on positives and rewarding positive behavior. So when she’s whining ask her to tell you one good or funny or fun thing that happened at school today. One person that was nice to her and made her feel good.
And then tell her how proud you are that she’s a big 3 year old and not such a baby 2 year old any more.
This is the approach I’d take.
Anon
I like the suggestion of finding one good thing each day! Thanks!
Anon
Speaking as a former child, it is possible this is a genuinely bad environment for her. Can you ask her more about where all this is coming from? Maybe it’s too structured or too unstructured. Maybe one or more of the teachers doesn’t like her (it happens), and she can tell. She did fine in the other classrooms, so something changed that isn’t her!
anon
Speaking as a former child made me chuckle!
Anon
OP here – this certainly occurred to me. She’s not really presenting supporting information to be able to say that something is truly wrong. She’s known the head teacher in this classroom since she went to this center (so 1.5 years). She wasn’t fully in her care until now, but still it’s not really a new person either, and I’ve gotten to know this teacher quite well and like her a lot. I would agree that the second teacher is not as nice as the one in her prior classroom. He’s kind of too quiet and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him smile. I’m considering asking to observe the classroom but I don’t know how I can do that without affecting the goings on. Unless something horrible is going on (I really don’t think so), the reality is we don’t have a choice at the moment – she needs to go to school and we both need to work, and the wait lists for daycare in our area are like years long. So I need to arm her to deal better with the changes. Any book or podcast recommendations?
Anon
Sometimes talking it all out can go a long way (I still like the book How to Talk to Talk so Kids Will Listen, How to Listen so Kids Will Talk).
It doesn’t sound like you’re putting any pressure on her to like the class or want to go, but “validating” or just “reflecting” her feelings and her experience may help her accept the situation and set new goals rather than pursuing impossible targets (like “stay home with mom all day”).
(It may be coming through that I like some ideas from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, though I don’t know any particular books or podcasts about that.)
I do think that setting some really specific and achievable goals for each day may help her feel empowered to get something she wants out of a situation she doesn’t like. I’m not crazy about the idea of using one positive thing to frame the whole experience as positive, but I like the idea of encouraging her to figure out, if she’s not having a good time, what can she do about that? Is there an expectation she’s trying to live up to that she doesn’t actually have to live up to? If she isn’t feeling included or rewarded by however they are spending class time, is there something she can work on for herself instead? Even something like a simple game could lend a sense of mission. (I’m not good at thinking of games, but what occurred to me was doing a scavenger hunt each day, and each report on what you saw at work/school that was “green” or “round” or whatever.)
Finally, I don’t know if she’s too young for something like counting down the days till the weekend, but I know that’s how some of us get through the week some of the time!
Elegant Giraffe
Go observe. It might change the dynamic somewhat but you’ll still learn a lot more.
callalily
I second this