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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Koen Mid-Rise Pant

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A woman wearing black sneakers, blue pants, and a gray cropped top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I recently asked a friend (in-house counsel for a large bank) what she’s wearing to work these days, and her immediate response was mid-rise, pull-on pants from prAna.

With the caveat that they might not quite hit the mark if your office skews more toward the “business” side of business casual, I think they’d be great for a job where folks are embracing more of an athleisure look. (I happen to work somewhere where all the men are wearing these ABC trousers from Lululemon, so I think they would fit in nicely!) She said she’s been pairing them with blazers and sweaters and they make her long commute very comfortable. 

The pants are $98 at prAna and come in XS-XXL with short, regular, and tall inseams. They also come in seven other colors, with one on sale.

Sales of note for 9/25:

  • Boden – Up to 50% off sale + extra 15% off (I'm trying to figure out which color(s) of this sweater I should order…)
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off the weekend collection and extra 50% off sale section
  • Anthropologie – Extra 50% off sale!
  • Athleta – Lots marked down to 40% off; with an Athleta card you get an extra 20% off.
  • AYR – Archive sale, up to 60% off
  • CVS – Epic beauty sale
  • J.Crew – Fall styles start at $39
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off new arrivals, extra 20% off orders $125+
  • Nordstrom – over 9800 new markdowns
  • M.M.LaFleur – Labor Day Sale Event, save sitewide! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Nordstrom Rack – Extra 40% off select clearance
  • Talbots – 40% off one item, 30% off everything else
  • Theory – End of season sale is on!

193 Comments

  1. Wwyd – I’m getting emails with updates on someone’s surgery recovery. No idea who this person is. I’m 80% sure it isn’t just a married name I don’t know. Just ignore?

    1. I have a common name which is also in my email address. I get piles of mail intended for other people with the same name. I ignore almost all of them. The one time I remember actually writing back to clear things up was because it was an email from a school informing me that my child was planning to spend the night there, and I wanted the real mom to know.

      Maybe I should clear things up more, but it often confuses people, and sometimes people are rude or accusatory about it. So I just let it go now. If people actually know each other or need something from each other, they should ordinarily have a way to get in touch besides email to sort things out.

    2. If they seem like bulk emails going out to a large group, I might just ignore, but if it seems like it’s someone sending them to you specifically or just a few family members (ie. it’s more likely to really matter that the intended recipient gets them), I’d send back a quick “I think you have the wrong email”

      It’s a 30 second thing you can do that might help another person, and has very little cost to you (maybe they send you back a rude email? okay, so you block it and ignore going forward) – I want to be the kind of person who helps others when I can.

    3. If it seems a real mix-up and not a phishing attempt, I would send a quick, kind note that they have the wrong recipient. And even if it seems like overkill, I would block the sender so you don’t have to deal with any further mistaken messages or weirdness from them.

    4. It would be kind to try and resolve the issue. There’s a shocking lack of attention to detail these days and things often meant for me are sent to a very similar email address. The owner of the similar email address forwards me things and we have a good relationship, he’s a gem.

      1. I have a physical address twin a few streets over and we routinely text each other or just deliver the mis-delivered mail/packages to each other. It’s been everything from a giant tent package they needed for the weekend to my flowers for Mother’s Day. I’m so grateful to them, it’s the way we take care of neighbors.

    5. I would probably reply with a “I think this is misdirected” response, and then block if more kept coming through. This happened to me with an afterschool program in another state, and while I attempted to alert the provider at least twice (… kind of important that they’re communicating with the kid’s actual parent about upcoming events!), they kept sending to my same address so I just blocked the sender.

  2. Maybe they look different in real life, but on the model these pants are squarely athleisure and in no way, shape, or form appropriate for a business casual office. I rarely yuck someone else’s yum, but from the online pictures only, this is a hard no for me. I don’t think they’re the equivalent of the ABC pants for men.

    1. I agree. I am all for work pants that are super comfortable, but these don’t hit the mark for me. They look much too casual and I can’t imagine how you could pair them with a blazer as mentioned.

    2. I’ve seen these pants in person. No way I’d wear them to work. And I’m currently wearing Athleta Endless pants for a no-meeting day, so I’m clearly willing to bend the rules a bit!

    3. Agreed. They look like what I call house pants. And (IMO) unattractive ones at that.

    4. While I agree with you, this is what people wear to work in San Francisco. It’s not my taste or style, but it is a thing you see in many offices and still explains the reactions you see here to different work options.

      1. I live in SF, and I’d wear jeans over these. Or more structured pants. When you say, “this is what people wear in SF” please don’t speak for all of us. I wholeheartedly agree with the poster who kicked off this thread who said these are not work pants. Not even if all the guys are wearing Vuori pants. Sorry.

        And I work in tech in SF…we’re very casual. But I, as a senior-level woman in the office, wouldn’t wear these.

        1. Oh neither would I! I said as much. But my tech office shows up in things like this daily and I see it everywhere, you’re lucky if you don’t. I think the definition of office appropriate is different here, whether I like it or not.

          1. That’s a tech issue, not an SF issue, I think. I’m in SF too and I think “tech office appropriate” and “office appropriate” are two different dress codes.

    6. Maybe they look okay with a long shirt that covers the waist band? At first glance they seem even more casual than the Athleta pants

    7. No way would I wear these to work, even on a casual day. I do like the color on the model though!

    8. I have a pair of these, and they are very comfortable and practical, but they are hiking pants. The cut, the material, the zippered pockets – hiking pants. Totally recommend them for hiking, though, they are awesome!

    9. These are for when you stopped by the office to grab a forgotten item during off hours on your way to the hiking trail.

    10. absolutely agree. These are solidly in the athleisure category and would never be work appropriate (and I work from home!).

  3. Any tips for getting over small marital conflicts more quickly when you don’t feel heard or that the situation was resolved? I don’t want to be this person holding a grudge but the resentment builds, even if I know my husband isn’t being malicious. He’s more the type to just silently move on but I need the more explicit “ok, I will try harder to do that” or whatever it is. It also upsets me if I use direct language to express a specific need (“I need more regular help with ___”) and he just nods or otherwise acknowledges that I spoke with actually using words. Then I feel like I’m prying a real response out of him and for some reason that particularly is very triggering.

    Our household is normally pretty chill and low-conflict but this dynamic needs some work. It’s come up more since kids – we’re both more stressed with more to do.

    1. I can see how that’s frustrating, but the real test is whether things change after you have the conversation. If they do, I could probably let this go, even though I’d find it annoying. If he’s just nodding along and changing nothing, that would be a bigger problem.

      1. Agree. My first instinct is you are trying to control how people respond. But the real question is whether things are actually getting across in a meaningful way.

    2. For me this has two aspects: learning to communicate better with my husband – we have both worked on that, in terms of talking in a way that’s productive and not defensive. The other is work I have done in therapy to let go of resentment – I realized it was eating me up and unproductive. My therapist has helped me channel that energy into what I want to have happen and finding peace with how things are now.

    3. Can you talk to him about your communication styles and tell him what you need from him in terms of a verbal response?

      1. But why should he? It sounds like he is acknowledging her. Why does she get to dictate how?

        1. Because a nod isn’t the same as a true response. It indicates that you heard, but not that you are agreeing to what the person asked. If someone says “I’m drowning and need more help with the baby in the evenings” and you nod once, of course they’re not going to feel reassured or like you’ve made a commitment to help.

        2. Because presumably the relationship is more important than the existing habit.

          Seeing this as one partner trying to dictate behavior or control the other? That’s a very aggressive, antagonistic way of approaching a loving relationship.

          3. No to both of you, but you are welcome to enjoy the outcomes in your own lives if you really see the world in such an ugly manner.

            If your partner tells you in a calm moment that receiving verbal acknowledgement when you speak to them is important to them and makes them feel valued even if you don’t think it’s a big deal, perhaps examine why you consider that to be a controlling, manipulative request instead of an opportunity to change one small habit in a way that makes the other person feel cared for and loved.

          4. People who have clearly never been in relationships should probably stop commenting here…

          6. But where does it end? I think it’s fine for OP to ask for what she needs, but if his communication style is what he needs, that doesn’t make him a bad person or an unloving husband.

      2. I have. That’s part of my frustration – I feel like I’ve taken pains to express myself very clearly and to avoid ever punishing him for not reading my mind. It’s not trying to “control him” but expressing what I need and desire, which I have the right to do. Of course he’s free to disregard it if he truly wants to, but usually in a good marriage, both people want to make the other happy.

        1. I think you need to let your husband be his own person. He’s not going to communicate the exact same way as you do or the same exact way as you would like. Respect needs to go both ways.

    4. I think you need to sit down with him in a moment of calm, away from any of these small conflicts, and express what you need in clear terms. Explain what you need, why it is important to you, and clearly state the ask. Invite him to voice any needs he might be holding on to as well.

    5. Omg, my husband also does the nod without words. I will ask “is that a yes?” to get a verbal yes. But at a certain level, I have to accept that his yes is shorter than mine.

      I find that it happens most often with things that feel like a big deal to me but don’t feel like a big deal to him. So if I say “please remember to hang up your towel,” that is a real annoyance to me as the person who does the laundry and cleans that bathroom! But to him, he’s like “yup, got it, been slacking on that, will fix it,” and a nod is sufficient to convey all of that in his preferred style of communication.

      My mom told me that my dad and his best friend could have a conversation in three sentences that would take her and her sister 15 minutes to complete, and it holds true for each of us, too. I don’t think it’s a universal guy/girl thing; just something that’s true in my family.

      1. Tl;dr: also someone who took 3 paragraphs to explain something very simple who is married to someone who lives by the “why use many word when few word do trick?” philosophy

    6. Look at relational life therapy by Terry Real he also has a book called US.
      I find it is helfpul to go over a script in my head before having a conversation on an issue that has me resentful~ partially because I have not spoken up and it has festered.

    7. If you’re a talker who needs to say / hear things, and he’s a non-talker who just doesn’t say much . . . and BOTH of you are under stress, each of you is going to go more firmly into your comfort zone: you’ll really be needing words, and he really won’t be saying them.

      It’s really hard to moderate these preferences when we’re under stress.

      You both probably need to practice moderating these preferences when you’re not under quite as much stress, so that when the next season of stress shows up, you both have some practice being out of your verbal comfort zones and can more readily do it under stress as well.

      1. Yes. You are expecting him to emote to your comfort level when he is uncomfortable and processing. His conflict level response mode is different than yours. It’s not a great time to expect him to meet your high communication needs to your standards. Give him some grace and watch to see if things change. If not, maybe you both need couples counseling? Your communication style sound very different.

    8. My husband does this too and it drives me nuts. It’s not just with conflict, either. This is pretty much a constant refrain in our household:
      Me: would you mind [doing something – say, dropping this birthday card at the mailbox when you take out the trash?]
      Him: silence
      Me: DID YOU HEAR ME?
      Him: (either) Huh? (or) UGH YES WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
      Me: well I don’t know if you heard me if you don’t respond!

      It doesn’t help that our house has a pretty choppy layout and we have a toddler. My eyes are on the toddler not on trying to discern whether that slight head movement was a nod or if you’re just bopping along to music in your head.

      The fact that he does this with everything helps me to keep my cool a bit when we have conflict. This is who he is. It’s unlikely to change, no matter how many times I have to ask if he heard me. With really important things, I’ll ask him to do that therapy exercise where he tells me what he thinks I said. It is actually helpful; he sometimes internalizes a message I didn’t intend. It’s a good opportunity to restate and reassure.

      1. I’m the one who just nods and responds quietly. Part of it is because I am still processing and may be stuffing down a reaction that would not be helpful, and I’m trying to appear neutral even though I may be annoyed or overwhelmed by my spouse or my life circumstances and have a lot of other things on my mind. It feels controlling when the other person holds you to the wall and is like, “Talk to me. More, more, give me more. Obey immediately.” I think the healthier response is to give the nodding spouse a little space and talk about it later if you think more discussion is required. Sometimes people need a little breathing room in a marriage. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or won’t come around. But it’s hard to be treated as if you are a child and your spouse is the demanding schoolteacher.

        1. I don’t think expecting more than a nod is equivalent to “Obey immediately,” especially if it’s for something more than just “can you put this in the mail.” It sounds like you’re expecting to give a 1 level of effort on a scale of 1-10 and for no one to be annoyed by that.

          2. No one is saying that? You have to communicate and find a way forward that works for *both* spouses. No one is advocating for a dictatorship anywhere on this thread.

          3. Let’s get real. The levels don’t range from level 1: nod to level 10: whole-heartedly agree verbally. Real human reactions range from “snap back negatively and say something you’ll regret” to “disagree in a civil way” to “nod quietly” to “whole-heartedly agree verbally.” It can take effort to just nod if there is an actual conflict going on. I wouldn’t discount a nod if the relationship is fraught.

        2. This is helpful, thank you. I see your point that sometimes we’re just overwhelmed and we need some space before responding.

          But then say that? At least an “ummm…?” or “gimme a minute.” In my case, it’s about 50/50 on whether he heard me; partly because he’s usually lost in his head, but also he has legitimate hearing issues (that he refuses to treat… a whole nothing issue…). It feels frustrating to not get SOME acknowledgement that I spoke.

          1. Agreed. I get not being able to engage in a whole conversation, but an “I hear you, can we talk more tonight?” has a wholly different feel and level of respect than…nothing at all.

      2. My partner is the same. And his hearing and attention span faculties are not great, so i genuinely do not know if he heard me or not without verbal confirmation that reaches my ears.

        If I did not see him nod, or did not hear his response, I will follow up with a request for verbal acknowledgement. Which is fair. Because I can’t tell if he heard me or not.

        I’ve repeated many times that “If I had heard you/seen you I would not have asked the second time”

    9. My sister and I joke that we secretly want our husbands to get on their knees and beg for forgiveness after a conflict, and anything less feels disappointing. I think sometimes we have to pause and recognize that husbands are people too. They have their own reasons and their own side of the story. Moderate your demands a little bit. Also, this may not be a popular opinion, but I think men often apologize differently than women. Sometimes it’s not verbal. Sometimes they will make up by helping more or trying to do something nice after a conflict. Look at their actions over time, not just their words.

      1. OP here and I really agree with this take for general conflicts, but I’m not sure it fits with the current situation (that caused me to actually draft a post). This was more that I was having a really rough evening with an ongoing stressor (that he knows is a stressor – it’s related to a health issue for one of our kids). He was not stressed about it last night, and I was at the end of my rope and said that I needed help, that it was becoming too much. A nod didn’t feel like enough, you know? I know he does care but on the very rare occasions where this happens and I get overwhelmed enough to explicitly ask for help with something I’ve otherwise been handling well, is it so much to ask to want actual words of comfort or “I’ve got this, I’ll take over ___?”

        2. I have special needs kids and this played out with my ex husband.

          I would spend 45min getting the child in bed after an already 14 hour day. I was exhausted. Overwhelmed, I would ask for help and his response would be ‘I’ve got this, I’ll take over…’ which left me feeling like a failure when he would proudly emerge 15mins later with said child having lay down long enough to fall asleep.

          Looking back it was my ex husbands implicit accusation that I wasn’t coping and that he had to step in. I felt like he should be doing a lot more or providing the money to hire professional help so I was supported. It was a nail in the coffin for our marriage and if this is similar to what is happening in your marriage I strongly suggest you both go see a marriage counselor.

          The divorce rate for families with children who have special needs is exceptionally high at over 70%.

          1. Wait, what? You asked for help, he helped immediately, and that was a problem? That doesn’t seem like the same situation.

          2. I think the moral of the story is that there is no right answer and people are different.

          3. Some children learn what they can and cannot get away with, with different parents, relatives and babysitters. They know that Mom will allow them to take hours to get ready for bed, because there might not be consequences, but if Dad gets involved, it’s SERIOUS. Babysitter isn’t Mom, so they’re often able to get things done right then.

          4. Yeah…. it’s interesting that his immediate reaction to help you was interpreted as “the nail in the coffin” and made you feel like a failure. I would love if my husband dropped what he was doing, helped me, and was actually capable of calming my children down and putting them to bed! I’m sure there is more to the story, but it does seem like some women will be unhappy no matter what (and I include myself in that category. I’m not easy to please either, so I’m not pointing fingers, just saying that relationships and parenting are hard).

          5. I don’t apologize for demanding that my ex husband parent equally.

            No parent should be at the end of their rope and have to ask the other parent to take over.

            The OP said ‘He was not stressed about it last night, and I was at the end of my rope and said that I needed help, that it was becoming too much.’ That’s not equal. Why does she have to get to the end of her rope and have to ask for help? Both parents should both be able to tell when the other parent has reached the end of their rope without having to verbalize it.

  4. You have $5000 dollars to update a room in your home. Describe the room. What will you do?

    1. I can’t wait to swap out the wallpaper in my bedroom to something moody and dark.

    2. Is it from Trump? 😂

      We’re actually renovating the whole house now. The family room is going to need the most as far as decorating – upholstering the matching sofas alone will be $3k. ($1k in fabric, $2k in labor.) Then the curtains (huge room with walls of windows) will easily be $2k, if not more.

    3. Buy one crappy couch and one small lamp with how current prices are trending. $5K isn’t enough for a whole room refresh unless you cruise estate sales (which we do!). If I didn’t have family antiques, I don’t know what I would do. I feel like I’m drowning in costs.

      1. Yeah, I’m redoing my living room right now and am not going crazy and have antiques but the budget is more like 20k.

        1. Eh, in a smaller house with some reusable pieces you could totally update a room for $5,000. “Update” doesn’t necessarily mean “completely refurnish.” For example, a person could replace a dated entertainment center and a big ugly flat-screen TV with a sleek TV console and a Frame TV and still have some money left to update lamps and other accessories and to paint the room herself if needed. Even if the old couch had to stay the room would be drastically improved. You could get a similar impact by swapping out the coffee table and end tables, side chairs, lamps, and art.

    4. With the cost of labor these days, that would mostly cover repainting our large main bedroom (including higher end paint), re-hanging all the heavy art, and adding in a nicer mirror. My second pick would be new roman shades and repainting (plus baseboard repairs) in our kids toy room. Painting would also force me to patch the holes in the walls and put up slightly more neutral decor.

      1. What do you get with high end paint?

        I need to paint a bit more than I prefer but it’s a result of living with clumsy humans and a giant dog.

        1. You get better colors and depth of color. I’ve used Farrow & Ball and their color matched Benjamin Moore versions and there’s nothing like the F&B. It just looks more layered and richer. I hire painters so I can’t speak to the ease of use but I hear it’s easier to work with.

          1. F&B is a pain to work with but it’s water based, truly has no smell/VOCs, and with multiple asthma/allergy/MCAS having people in our house it’s the one thing I won’t compromise on. Even the ‘clean’ benjamin moore still has a smell that gives me a migraine, I can sleep in a room that’s been painted with Farrow & Ball that day with no issues.

          2. Yeah, we used Lick in one room that we DIY’d and had a colour match / professional paint for the other room, and the branded paint looked so much better even with amateur painting.

        2. Farrow & Ball paint is well worth it. The color saturation is better. No smells. I also didn’t need a primer plus it’s very thick. 2 gallons have been enough for every room.

          I’d buy the Farrow & Ball wallpaper I’ve been dreaming of for $5000. Probably couldn’t get it hung in that price range, but I’d have it at least.

        3. I hear all these “better depth” and “more pigment” comments and look at my rich, deep, colorful walls painted with basic Dutch Boy and laugh, because my whole house cost less than one room of the overpriced brands.

          2. Yes, and I’ve heard that F&B doesn’t last. A lot of painters recommended against it when I was repainting my home.

    5. I’m doing this right now. Son’s room, small with sky high Victorian ceilings. Most of the money will be spent getting the walls to a paintable state (oil paint over lime plaster, why….). But we’ve also refinished the original floors, and will add a picture rail, and paint a forest-y green.

    6. I would buy interior shutters for my living room, formal dining room, and family room. The kind that used to be called “plantation shutters,” with wide slats. White composite wood.

    8. Built in bookshelves.

      Doesn’t matter the room. Bathroom? Sure, I guess. Just give me all the bookshelves you can for $5000.

    9. Ha! I just recenly spent almost exactly $5,000 on a home improvement project I’d been putting off: repair and repainting of my house’s trim and new gutters. I know it’s not a room improvement, but the change in trim/gutter color is an update and the house looks so much better from the street.

      (My house is a small one-story ranch/rambler.)

    10. Living room: Refurbish an antique sofa or have some rooms professionally painted.

    11. I’m not as pessimistic as the other posters. I just bought a kitchen’s worth of furniture and an outdoor couch for our porch from Serena & Lily in July, and it was only $3,000 all in with taxes and delivery included. Everything matches, including the blue tile backsplash and kitchen towels I already had, and it makes me happy to walk in the room.

    12. A new mattress, pillows, wedge headboard pillow thing, and the associated covers and sheets for my bedroom.

    13. We’re big on DIY- we’re redoing a hall bathroom ourselves and our budget is about 7k (plus 10k to hire an electrician to upgrade our breaker box).

      So far, we’ve stripped it down to studs, installed a vent fan, replaced the window, straightened and reinforced the studs, moved lighting and outlets and are getting ready to level the floor, build the shower pan and start waterproofing.

    14. We are in the middle of a refresh. Swapping in a new rug, new lampshades and different accent lamps helped.

  5. I know that abs are made I. The kitchen, but is that just if you are under 40? My weight is pretty stable and I eat well, but I’ve acquired a tummy and have gone up two sizes with no real weight gain (this weight from 2020; 5 pounds lighter before and 2 sizes smaller). I’m walking and playing tennis or going to the Y when I can. I could go up another size but I’m sick of buying clothes and having things tighten in the mid-section. And going up another size when it’s just a tummy focused issue will mean that dresses won’t fit because I’m still flat chested and things would go from roomy to comical in terms of fit. What do I need to do?

      2. +1. In the few years after the start of menopause, with my weight the same, my waist got 2″ larger and my hips 2″ smaller. I wasn’t doing anything different with diet or exercise during this time. I walked by a huge mirror one day and was shocked to see the difference. I’ve lost a bit of weight recently (10 lbs and still normal BMI), but my new proportions haven’t changed. Ruling out medical issues seems reasonable. Otherwise, if you have healthful diet, are a decent weight, and exercise (which it sounds like you do), I’m not sure there is anything else that can be done.

        1. A few nights ago, I came across of a picture of me in swimsuit from 2011-ish. I would’ve been 31 at the time? Anyway, it struck me how nice my curvy hips looked, and while I’ve never had six-pack abs, my stomach was still pretty flat. I’ve always wanted smaller hips and thighs, and now I care less about that and just want my stomach to go back to “normal.” But that’s not realistic, and I don’t have the time nor the energy to devote my life to being a swole 47-year-old.

          I don’t know why I’m saying all this, other than to commiserate that body grief is a real thing and acceptance takes time and work.

        1. I’ve been doing HRT for three months now. I feel better mentally and am no longer depressed and angry, but it hasn’t done anything for my gut.

    2. Consider shapewear; a lot of it targets this exact issue of clothes not fitting well unless we’re smoothed out in the middle.

      Know how your metabolic health is doing. Weight distribution towards the middle can mean that insulin is running high, which you can do something about (whether that’s a diet change or just taking metformin, either of which could have other benefits for health and aging).

      Consider the possibility that it’s fibroids just since they’re so common and can give people a “fibroid belly.”

      1. Not OP, but recommendations for shapeware brands? I haven’t bought any since SPanx was the only option. Honeylove ads stalk me on social media–is it actually good?

        1. Yes, would love a recommendation. A Skims store opened up locally and I just don’t want to go there but at least it looks like you can see garments and maybe try on something to see what works. I know that the Kardashians photoshop and operate to get a certain look, but people have been buying this line for long enough that on some sad day I may just go in there.

    3. It might be a medical problem. A friend had something similar and it was a huge (non cancerous) ovarian tumour. She thought she was inexplicably getting fat, but was basically back to normal size once it was surgically removed.

      1. I was in the ER last month because of pain from an ovarian cyst I didn’t know I had. There are no plans to operate yet, but I do wonder if this is causing some of the bloating issues I’ve been having.

        1. One of my friends had a pretty dramatic before & after where operating lowered the bloating a ton. I think by the time they operated they had found some endometriosis too though, so I’m not sure the ovarian cyst was all of it, but the big increase in bloating seemed to start together with the ovarian cyst pain.

          1. I could write a book about my various reproductive system woes over the years, which has included endometriosis removal. I swear I’m a healthy person, other than this ONE THING.

    4. Are you looking for body composition advice or fashion advice? I’m asking because it changes my advice.

      1. Haha, scarred from earlier in the week. There should be a permanent post for “My body has changed—HELP!”

        1. There are three avenues of help:

          • Don’t fight your body shape by insisting that you won’t change the type of clothing you’ve always worn. That way lies continual frustration with your body and your clothes.

          • Do what’s needed with fitness and nutrition.

          • Emotionally come to terms with the fact that you look different. You MUST develop the ability to see your body change without beating it or yourself up for it. Because the changes are not going to stop coming. Yet also enjoy and celebrate how good you do look right now. I’m in my 60s, and can attest that in 10 years or 20 years or 30 years you’ll look at photos of your 40-something body that is dismaying you right now and be amazed at how good you looked, how youthful, how great your skin was, etc.

          1. Or maybe, to steal a line from my favorite style guru, when you can’t love your body you better darn sure love your clothes.

            Personally I think that if this is the change that motivates women to start lifting weights and dressing in clothes they love, well that’s a heck of a silver lining.

            I sort of hate the idea that we tell each other to focus on how much worse we’ll look in the coming decades. That’s true but sad. I’m 44 and I’m kind of shocked and delighted to find myself becoming a risk taker with clothes whose outfit is frequently the topic of conversation. At 44 I think about how I would never have worn leopard sneakers or statement pants in my 20s. I needed that flat belly because my style was a snooze fest. Am I to become an 80 year old with fantastic clothes and ridiculous jewelry? It’s becoming more likely.

          2. Maybe we need this: if your shape is now pear + stomach, what brands work well for this? Because clothes aren’t working right now other than (oddly) Sue Sartor dresses (visually defined waist, which I need) and skirt that flows down and glides over the midsection. I used to wear sheaths! SHEATHS! Sans shapewear!

          3. I agree and disagree. I’m in my 50s and while I accept I won’t ever look 30 again, I also refuse to just give in. There are many things you can do to feel better and look better. I fully lean into hair color and regular cuts, Botox, HRT and the maligned GLP1s. All of that has me feeling very good about myself and also realistic for my age. You don’t have to just accept things. You can, but if you don’t like it, you don’t have to.

          4. “I fully lean into hair color and regular cuts, Botox, HRT and the maligned GLP1s“
            Same. And also loving the mirror these days.

          5. It’s great that GLP1s and Botox make you feel good about yourselves! Your own opinion of your body is most important. However, that doesn’t mean you look objectively better than someone who doesn’t take this path. We are all biased about our own bodies and what we think look best. So I might think you look gaunt, tight, emaciated, and hair is obviously unnatural, but if you don’t see that or if you like that look, you have every right to do it!

          6. I agree in general, but I’m 5-4 and weigh 130 pounds, all b/w my ribs and knees. I don’t think a GLP-1 will help with that and I feel that the muscle loss may be something I regret in the coming decades. That leaves me with shapewear, a fabulous kaftan, and some major jewelry. Not bad options TBH. But I do want some shorts that I can wear for walking the dog or hiking.

          7. Well 12:46, you can think that all you want but my reality begs to differ. There’s a big difference between overdone, badly done and done well. I’m firmly in the latter camp.

          9. There is a person here who loves to say a glp-1 will make you look awful. I cannot comment objectively on my own looks but to my eye most people who have lost excess weight on one look absolutely fantastic. Certainly no one looks older and more gaunt than if they’d lost excess body fat by any other means. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I’d absolutely not be discouraged by the constant “well I think you’ll look OLD and AWFUL” comments here if I was struggling with excess body fat and trying to lose weight by any means. I don’t want to police that poster’s speech but I really hope she’s not constantly asserting this view about people irl. Weight loss can be a really important health goal and it’s hard enough without someone telling you how ugly they think you’ve gotten.

          10. “ So I might think you look gaunt, tight, emaciated, and hair is obviously unnatural, but if you don’t see that or if you like that look, you have every right to do it!“

            No one was asking your permission? The way you feel the need to try to drag down a woman who you’ve clearly never met when she tries to share what’s worked for her is uglier than anything she could possibly do to herself. Literally no one cares if you do these things or if you think they look bad. We weren’t discussing these procedures generally; she was taking about herself and what made her feel good and you just had to be as mean as possible. Why? Were your parents like this?

    5. I’m 44 and have only seen real bodyweight distribution changes with weight lifting, adding protein, and cutting out alcohol as much as possible. I fought the reality of this hard, for years. What changed my view on weight lifting was watching my mom fall, and then be unable to leave rehab because she wasn’t capable of self-transfer from bed to wheelchair or wheelchair to toilet. She was restricted her food my whole life and never lifted weights (cardio, yoga, running only).
      I still prefer cardio and will take a 5 mile hike over a 25 minute weight workout any day, but the weights are an investment in my 80 year old self.

      1. This is an excellent point. I also prefer cardio workouts because they do a lot for me mentally. I haven’t experienced huge shifts in body composition from weights, but I am stronger and I realize it’s an investment in my future self, even if I don’t have some major body transformation.

      2. I’ll add to this as someone who also had an adventure with food. In addition to weight lifting, you also need to make peace that someone that looks ripped because of building muscle (not starving themself), is likely a much bigger size than you mentally think and weighs more than you think. Ironically, a lot of times abs being made in the kitchen is also eating enough that your body can build muscle. So, yeah, you will still need to buy new pants.

    6. I don’t know what you need to do in terms of fitness or nutrition. But in terms of clothing, you need to look for different cuts of clothes, rather than merely go up a size in the same cuts you’re used to wearing. For clothing, google around for guidance on how to dress an apple shape. It sounds like you’re quite slim and always have been, so don’t be put off if the guidance seems to be for people who weigh more than you do. Pay attention to what shapes of clothing are being recommended. (e.g, if you’ve been buying tops or dresses cut narrowly and straight up and down, you now need to look for shapes where the torso seams how more of an angle from chest to waist.

    7. I said the same thing yesterday, but I’ve changed the types of clothes that I wear. I used to wear column dresses, sheath dresses, shifts etc. Now my dresses are fit and flares. I have not found jeans that work with my new shape.

      It is wild to experience. I had a shift shirt dress that I wore for years and years. Even while postpartum! Even when I was overweight! Now it is comically large on my top half and I can’t button it around the belly.

      I got an ultrasound at my OBGYN to rule out any fibroids or cysts.

    8. OK–this is going to sound dramatic, but come with me from a body positivity standpoint. I was always a tall pear. Always. I was always quite flat-chested. When peri hit, and I put on more weight in my belly area, this really emphasized how out of proportion I was. Well…I finally got the boob job I’ve wanted since I was 15. Really…I’ve wanted one my whole life, and I just never pulled the trigger. I am now curvy and proportional in a good way, and I love it. I have gummy implants, and you literally cannot tell whatsoever, even in a bathing suit (lots of talks with my doctor about how I really wanted to look natural). This was my solve, and I have no regrets.

      Also, at the risk of being shamed right out of here, I do not think GLP-1s are the devil, and they can help.

  6. Question for parents of high school upperclassmen: how are your college savings invested? I have our 529 funds in a Vanguard mutual fund that has had about 7% annual returns and am wondering if I should take out at least some and put in a CD. The account took a good size dip last year with the first wave of Trump tariffs but did eventually recover.

    1. I’d consider taking some out now, and working toward taking whatever you’ll need in the next 3-4 years. Your goal now isn’t growing your account, it’s to keep your account stable and to start spending it.

      1. Can you do that? I think 529s have to be spent on education expenses when you withdraw them or you incur a penalty.

        1. I think they meant take it out of equities and move it to a more stable fund/investement type, not take it out of the 529 altogether.

    2. Does your 529 have a target date option? My college senior’s account has been in a target college start date fund from the start and we were very happy with that plan.

  7. Any suggestions for online spaces for small business owners? I find that a lot of Reddit and Facebook groups are overrun with spam and astroturfing. While I have in-person networking, I’m interested in being able to search for answers to smaller questions or post anonymously.

    I’m asking here because a post back in April about what to do on Day 1 of your new company inspired me to start a business last spring.

    1. What type of business? Are you looking to chat with other business owners in the same space or to find clients? R3ddit has been good for me for both, but I’m sure it depends on the industry.

    2. LinkedIn isn’t anonymous but seems the most broadly relevant social media for general business networking.

      Does your industry have any forums?

  8. I need new house pants, to borrow a phrase from above. For 4+ years, I have been living in Old Navy joggers and they are stretched out and absolutely done. They don’t have anything comparable now. The fabric on my old pants is not quite as good as Vuori, but close. What is the 2026 version? I don’t want leggings. I want something that’s loose, feels good, and looks good enough to leave the house in if I need to run a quick errand. Sweatpants are too heavy unless I’m couch rotting.

    1. I have the foldover waist cotton pants from H&M in black and they are shockingly good quality for the price. They’re just like our early 2000s style yoga pants, which are back among teens in my area. Mostly cotton which I prefer.

    2. I wear Target in-motion brand joggers that are a performance fabric. They have pockets, tie waist, and look plenty presentable in black with sneakers, a cute tee and jean jacket when I run errands.

    5. I have the Old Navy Sleektech joggers and they’re super lightweight and I wear them on errands and WFH days

      1. Same. My sleektech pants from Old Navy are both comfortable and presentable. If you’re looking for prices on the low end, the Stylus brand from JC Penny often has similar styles/fabrics of pants, and I have some great pants from them as well.

    6. I like the LL Bean straight-leg Perfect Fit cotton jersey knit pants. They also have wide leg, tapered leg, slim leg, and crops in the same fabric depending on what shape you like best.

    7. The Uniqlo wide sweatpants are a mostly-cotton french terry, so lighter than fleece, and are unbelievably comfy. I don’t generally wear sweats out of the house, but I do wear these.

    8. Lululemon dance studio pants are the most comfortable pants ever. They come in different lengths and styles (so pants, joggers, and a few new styles). Love all of mine.

    10. I have Athleta joggers and wide leg pants for this need. They are great. Last for years.

  9. Not to spoil anyone else’s fun, but do you ever see a news article or discussion about an event and think to yourself WOW I would never want to do that in a million years? That’s me and Burning Man. Apparently it gets to be 110+ degrees with copious dust and you have to pay over $1,000 to camp among lots of people doing drugs?? I love camping, I love the outdoors, I don’t mind getting dirty, but dear Lord, that heat and being unable to breathe freely would kill me.

      1. I think I’d need them. I’m all about the outdoors and camping but think I could do burning man for one evening once the sun has set, no more.

    2. same, same. I cousin I already dislike for other reasons has been bragging ceaselessly about her Burning Man camp and I just think… I would take a weekend alone with my toddlers and stomach flu over ever going to Burning Man or really any festival.

    3. I walked by mine last night. A downtown high end fitness studio with blasting music, dark interior, 2 dozen or so athletic men and women doing circuits. Like a club but with working out for people with a grind mind.

      A sensory/social nightmare to me.

      1. I have tried this, like gave it a good, honest try for 6 months, and couldn’t deal. Great workout, but that scene is not for me.

    4. I frequently send my husband articles about people dying hiking and camping. I live essentially on a very nice or I guess popular hiking trail. I will walk in the beautiful safe neighborhoods and admire everyone’s home and landscaping from the sidewalks, thank you very much. No good can come from walking through the woods.

    6. I love art, but mostly I love it most in an air-conditioned museum where I can have an overpriced snack or a fancy drink at the end. So Burning Man is not for me. Also I get worried about The Youth hurting themselves or getting overheated doing drugs, so I would just exist in a state of worry.

      Honestly, there are a lot of events I don’t enjoy very much that other people seem to like a lot. Especially ones involving large crowds. I’m not an agoraphobe but my personal hell is Costco on a weekend in my bougie neighborhood.

    7. I live in SF (coincidentally one of the original founders of burning man lives a few doors down from me). Many of my friends (who are pretty square) have gone and told me it’s transformative–so great (they do not do drugs there). I also work in tech, and let me tell you that every wannabe whatever also thinks that it’s so incredibly great. Well, I also grew up backpacking through the desert as part of my private school’s outdoor ed program. You could not pay me any amount of money to voluntarily go to Burning Man. The feeling of congealed sweat mixed with desert dust and no shower for days? Been there, done that. It’s like Coachella but 100X worse in terms of weird influencer techbro culture, and so much waste. I hate everything about it. /endrant

  10. Are there any tricks to bringing a smoothie to work for a mid-morning snack? I love protein powder plus frozen fruit smoothies, but I don’t know how to transport it from my commute at 7:30 am to the office fridge and eat it at 11 without it separating or losing that cold taste.

    2. Can you make it the night before and freeze it? Then keep it in a PackIt bag until you’re ready to have it?

      2. yep, I use a large wide-mouth hydroflask for this. I put the full cap on in the morning and take the straw cap with me. Shake again before opening (before putting the straw in) and it’s icy and blended just like fresh.

      3. It also makes a big difference if you store the bottle in the freezer – so you’re putting cold smoothie into a cold container, not a room temp one

    4. Do you add water? If so, and if your blender is high-powered enough to handle it, try making the smoothie using ice cubes instead of water. I do this with my vitamix when I make a smoothie that I want to stay cold until after my workout. It’s brain-freeze cold at first, but by the time I get done at the gym and make it to the office, it is the proper temp for enjoying.

      1. I have been yearning for a Vitamix for years, but told myself I have to wait for my perfectly serviceable blender to die first.

        1. I have a vitamix and a regular old blender and I like the regular blender better. There is no scenario where I want to make soup in my Vitamix. Regular blender makes smoothies just fine!

  11. I’m putting together my Christmas budget (already . . . ) How much do you spend on gifts for your kids or partner?

    1. Partner, $0 we’ve never been big on gifts and stopped doing it years ago
      Kid, maybe $100 if you don’t count whole family gifts like travel. We have generous friends and family members so don’t end up buying a lot of physical stuff.
      I spend (way) more on teachers and the school angel tree than on my family.

    2. Typically around $200-$250 for our kid. Adult gifts vary hugely— sometimes I want almost nothing (so we’ll do nice socks or the like) since I’m not a gift person, sometimes we go in on a splurge of $1-2k for the house.

    3. We kind of play it by ear. From what I see here we spend way more on gifts for Christmas than others. But we don’t do toys or other “just for fun” stuff outside of Christmas/birthdays

    4. I spend probably $2,000 between gifts to child, partner and my immediate family members (four adults, two kids). I try to allocate about $100-$200 per family member and then more for my husband and child.

      1. Same. Plus another 3-5k for entertaining, special traditions like the symphony, holiday teas etc.

    5. Even in my 30s my parents are probably spending approx $750 on me for Christmas. And we’re working class and not huge gift people.

      But, I got a $500 check towards a trip I was taking, a stocking (candy, basic toiletries, socks, etc) and probably had 8-10 presents under the tree to open.

      We always had pretty big Christmases as kids. But we almost never got toys or gifts outside of Christmas/birthday. And we wore a uniform to catholic school so also didn’t get play clothes outside of those occasions either.

      With one exception our extended family gifts were super reasonable (one gift in the $50 range from grandparents, one gift in the $30 range from aunts/uncles).

      Despite my brother and I growing up to be super non materialistic adults, I do think there’s something so magical about a big pile under the tree as a little kid. We usually got into big shared gift (ping pong table one year) and then several individual gifts that were not fancy (clothes from TJ Maxx, Walmart level toys).

      I know

    7. Kid – £200 husband maybe £100. This year more because we’ve booked London Hamilton tickets (and hotel), but we will go light on other gifts. I end up buying a decent amount used.

    8. We set a budget for $200 for spouses, but I think we should increase it. We each have bigger ticket items that don’t fit into our monthly budgets and would be fabulous Christmas presents (like the Vitamix above!) but are outside the Christmas range, and so never get purchased. Instead we end up buying several $50 items like updated shirts, which are not exciting at all and we could buy ourselves.

    9. We don’t have kids. Probably spend $1500-$2000 combined on each other, mostly nice things that we want an excuse to buy, not surprises.

    1. I still have a tank top I bought from Old Navy a few days before I left for college. It’s a sleeping tank top now (has a hole and is threadbare) but I’m not getting rid of it anytime soon! Next year will be 20 years. I’m definitely not winning any fashion awards, obviously.

    2. The first time I slept over at my now husband’s place, I learned that he was still sleeping in his middle school basketball shorts every night.

      He was 36.

      10/10 husband, though!

      1. I still wear the Target shorts I bought for freshman year of high school gym class back in 2002. They’re remarkably resilient!

      2. I sleep in some of my father’s old graphic T’s that are easily 30 or 40 years old!

  13. I play tennis. When I do a clinic (often, since it’s easier to do that than try to schedule 1-3 other people and the weather to cooperate), I pick up balls by bending down and piling them on the face of my racket. Same as I’ve always done other than COVID when we were urged to use tubes to avoid contact. I figure, I’m in my 50s and at some point, when my body can’t do that anymore, that’s a sign I won’t want to miss. I get some looks for keeping it old-school, but I swear, I value the ability to do this now in a way I didn’t before my elders started falling and breaking hips. I want full-contact and full use of balance and dexterity while I still have it. I can use my tube when I am a little old lady hitting lobs and not moving on the court.

    1. …I have no idea what a tennis ball tube is and have no concept of how else you would pick them up without bending down to grab them.

    2. The only time I have seen anyone use those tubes is when a beginner class instructor has one and all the kids fight to use the tube to pick up balls. What kind of person is giving you side-eye for picking up balls the normal way? If you aren’t mobile enough to bend over, then you aren’t really mobile enough to play tennis.

      I get your sentiment, though. I prioritize being able to stand up from the floor without using my hands.

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