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Anon
LOLOLOL… JD Vance has the lowest approval ratings of any VP candidate since 1980. Trump screwed this VP pick up so bad. He thought the election was in the bag and decided to run up the margins with his base by picking a guy who has zero appeal to anyone who isn’t intensely MAGA. And instead it’s going to be a closely contested election and his VP does absolutely nothing for him in swing states or with independent voters.
Anonymous
I really need a facebook or text style LOVE button for this.
Anon
❤️
Anon
Much as it pains me to see the President end his campaign under a bit of a cloud, leave it to Uncle Joe to play rope-a-dope with the Republicans one more time.
Anon
Yep. I looks like instead of poor old Joe wandering off into the sunset while sunsetting, it was a strategic exit.
Anonymous
absolutely! it’s clear it was really well thought out. i’d love to know who knew besides Biden and Kamala and their teams. Pelosi? I feel like that first flush of states’ delegates were ready to go ahead of time too.
oh please
What other nighttime stories do you tell yourself?
anon
haha Maybe so. But I must admit, this has been a pleasant surprise, and speaking as a democrat who admits we are terrible about being organized and strategic at times. This has been a delight to watch unfold.
Anon
Good old Uncle Joe. Hope he gets plenty of time with his Camaro and Blaze and the guys.
Anon
Camero? He owns a Corvette.
Anon
The Onion has long done “stories” on Uncle Joe washing his Camaro shirtless and having beers with the boys. If you go digging, I’m sure you can find them and they’re a good laugh.
Anon
I honestly have no idea how this election is going to go now but I’m at least glad it’s not looking like any kind of cakewalk for Trump and that self-serving idiot Vance anymore.
Anon
My personal take is that she’s going to win the popular vote by 3-4 points and the electoral college will be insanely close and could really go either way. If she wins the electoral college, I think it may turn on Arizona or Georgia and not the traditional “blue wall” of MI/WI/PA.
anon
This makes me feel weirdly optimistic about the future, lol.
Anonymous
i have heard that from SO many people lately. people explicitly saying it feels like ’08.
Senior Attorney
Right? I’m not used to feeling hopeful, but here we are!
Anonymous
What gets me hopeful is the prospect of Kelly as the VP nominee. I have admired him since before he went into politics.
Anon
I don’t like Vance but I am fascinated by him and his evolution. And as an Indian-American I am fascinated by his wife as well and her politics and how she truly feels about the things JD and Trump say.
anon
Me too. I read that she was apparently Democrat in the past (voted? donated?). I am very curious how Indian Americans are viewing this race.
Anonymous
what?! crazy — i saw some comments on twitter or tiktok about how we shouldn’t act like she’s the victim, sometimes women are married to horrible guys because they themselves are horrible. i’d be so curious to know which sentiment is true.
Anon
I don’t know anything at all about her, but I subscribe to this way of thinking. She knows his feelings or at least his public statements, so she’s complicit at best.
Anon
Yea I don’t think she’s trapped in an unhappy marriage. I think she’s just as bad as him.
Anon
N of 1 but the person I know who hates Kamala the most (and isn’t a committed Trump voter) is an Indian woman. She moved here from India as an adult fairly recently though so is more Indian and less American than a lot of Indian-Americans.
Anon
Why does she hate Kamala?
Anon
Things didn’t work out so well for Serena Joy, be careful who you support in their quest for power.
Anon
Hahahahaha! Right?!
Nesprin
Eh, Yale law couple going conservative doesn’t feel remotely strange to me. If you want fascinating political relationships, I will never get what Heidi Cruz gets out of her marriage.
Anon
I don’t know much about her, please elaborate!
Sunflower
She’s a Harvard Business School graduate and a current managing director at Goldman Sachs.
Anonymous
What about that doesn’t scream Republican to you?
Anonymous
I don’t understand why successful women marry these guys. A friend from college is now a politician’s wife but she’s just a trophy SAHW so it’s pretty
clear what she gets out of it.
Anon
Yeah. I thought she was conservative before they met?
Anon
I think the group underestimates how many well educated women are (1) pro-life, (2) concerned about crime and national security; and (3) very much turned off by the discussion surrounding tr*s issues.
Before people jump down my throat, I am not one of them. But my (has a graduate degree) sister IS. And it does not help that she perceives that her life and concerns are viewed with condescension by liberals.
Anon
I don’t think anyone is saying educated women can’t be pro-life or conservative. But Vance has made very offensive comments about women and their place in society that don’t square with having a wife who went to Yale Law and was a working mother in Big Law for many years. That said I tend to subscribe to the idea that Usha is likely just as terrible as her husband.
Anon
I don’t know about condescension, but I do view people like your sister as people who got theirs’ and pull the ladder up after them. Those aren’t people I think highly of.
Anonymous
JD Vance is hated in Ohio — he only won the election with Trump and Thiel’s help.
anon
Why is he hated so much there? Even among conservatives?
Anon
He’s just seen as a fake grifter. As Tim Walz said “my hillbilly cousins didn’t go to Yale and become venture capitalists!”
KS IT Chick
I saw the description of him as “shillbilly” today. I also have come to the conclusion that he is the “mediocre white guy” whose confidence we’re told to aspire to.
Anonymous
plus he elbowed Ohio Rs out of the way like LaRose and some of the other guys who were gunning for that seat. i mean all Ohio Rs are voter-purgers and gerrymanderers so screw all of them, but still, no one here likes JD Vance
Anon
For being a poser
Anon
Total poser . Doesn’t take x-ray vision to see right through him.
Anon
Yeah… He won his senate race by 6 points which sounds good until you hear DeWine won in the same year by 25! Granted, DeWine is moderate and appeals to people on both sides of the aisle but to run nearly 20 points behind the governor from your party is a pretty big yikes.
W OH Native
So my hot take from a MAGA red county in Ohio is that they are proud the VP is from Ohio. The people who dislike him were already the black (blue) sheep Dems and what they say is “he is from Middletown and should not have a southern accent”. The guy JD ran against in the primaries had a few accent slip ups that eventually cost him his political career. For now.
The other thing is they see it as him not paying attention to congress. Why did we win a R senator if Sherrod Brown is the only one doing anything? That sort of energy.
Reporting LIVE. fml
Anonymous
i’m loving all of the couch memes on Twitter! apparently the story behind it has been debunked but i love that most people honestly wonder.
Anon
It’s not true. I read the book years ago (I actually liked it) and am sure I would have remembered that haha
LOVE
Yeah he sort of needs the white women swing voters. But single childless cat ladies are sending memes hard in support of Kamala and rightfully so. I am from Ohio and have followed JD closely from the right chastising him for being “the hope of Appalachia” to fully embracing him once they realized he wasn’t going to be a dem. He’s also a Catholic but not until 2019 after he was married and had kids. So so strange. When he called Biden a “career politician” which I mean he is, I was like …I wonder what JD Vance thinks his own occupation is? I wonder what the Catholic church thinks about him treating the only other Catholic in the race that way (at the time).
He’s written a book that became a movie, commentator on political news shows, worked for Judges, had a non profit that was proven to basically be a PAC that failed, and then ran for congress. Bro…you are the definition of a politician. I thought he majored in poli sci or history too. But whatever.
Anonymous
how do you protect outdoor cushions and pillows? feels like even the ones under covered porches aren’t their best..
Cat
By bringing them inside when not in use, unfortunately. There is just no way the humidity and pollen doesn’t affect even sheltered furniture.
Anonymous
alternate question – we have some cheap mesh & metal furniture from home depot or the like that is actually my favorite because it’s comfortable, not hot in the sun, and good to sit in almost immediately after a rain storm. is there an upgraded version of this that isn’t $3000? i’d mostly be interested in a 2-3 seater couch to start i guess.
Anon
We found some patio furniture covers at the hardware store that fit our furniture well. We keep the cushions on the furniture outside year-round (live in Midwest) and keep everything covered when not in use. Haven’t had any issues so far.
Anon
I am a firm believer that upholstered furniture does not belong in the outdoors. Even at a venue or someone else’s house, I choose the non-fabric option for myself whenever possible. Perhaps it’s a combo of horrible allergies (my skin breaks out in blistery hives when exposed to certain types of tree pollen) and too many childhood memories of gross insects nesting in the lawn furniture, but fabric furnishings outdoors give me the heebie-jeebies.
Anon
I keep them in one of those hideous deck boxes.
anon
Same. It’s the only thing that works.
Anon
ditto to ugly deck box and sometimes bugs live there too
SC
+1 to the deck box. My mom bought me one from Sam’s Club this spring (she has a membership) after I upgraded my outdoor cushions.
Anonymous
question: does anyone wear the “blazer over shoulders but not through them” as part of your regular out-and-about outfits? i always like the look but i feel like the look is like 6″ heels – best for walking from the car to the restaurant and no where else. but maybe i’m wrong?
Cat
Only if I’m sitting still and sipping a drink on a chilly terrace. Otherwise no way – it goes flying with the slightest breeze or arm movement!
Anonymous
This. I’ve done it out on dates with my DH, but it’s not a realistic way of wearing a blazer or swacket.
Anon
No, only people like the Kardashians can pull this off.
Anon
Right! I love the look on advertisements, but I’ve never seen it successfully done in real life. Same with cape style dresses. I see politicians and their spouses try to pull it off and it rarely works.
Nesprin
I’m in the wrong income bracket for this to work.
Anon
Same.
Anonymous
+1, and I also need a ludicrously capacious bag.
Anon
Yes! For about five seconds. Then it falls off.
Anonymous
Wanted to thank everyone for weighing in on the endowed professor question yesterday. You gave me a lot to think about. Before I posted I was thinking, we could do 10k NBD. Reading here though I was left with the thought that there are seven other siblings. While everyone is saying oh no this is just for the oldest brother, because he is affiliated with our beloved ivy. But really there’s no guarantee that in two years the oldest sister doesn’t retire and say well the b school was very influential to me, let’s have a family endowed something there or the next person wants a plaque at the student union or whatever. Over seven siblings that’s 70k. Right now 70 to 80k pays for a year at Georgetown. My kids are young so by the time they go, maybe it’ll only pay for a half a year but I’m still much more invested in minimizing my own kids’ debt than paying 70k into DH’s family’s vanity projects.
As for whether the family is rich or not. DH and his family grew up upper middle class in New England, where there are LOTS of old money families who have tons of named buildings on college campuses, endowed professorships and the like. That’s what he and his siblings coveted and still do – they are far more impressed by that than say a big house or luxury car. Thing is many of his siblings ARE rich now. There are a number of them who have been investment bankers for nearly four decades, so 300k or 500k bonuses are NBD to them. So if they REALLY wanted to endow a chair or whatever, they could commit to putting down a decade of bonuses and getting it done for themselves and their own nuclear families. But by making this – oh we’ll make it a Smith Family professorship – well why not grab 50k from this little brother and 100k from that little sister. When little brother may have a HHI of 200k and little sister of 150k, which doesn’t compare to their incomes.
So I’m leaning towards putting in just what we’d give anyone as a big gift say at a close family wedding – that puts me at 1k to 2k with the assumption that we’ll have to do that for every sibling. DH and I are definitely going to have some words about this, I can hear it already but thanks all.
Anon
I think the entire family needs to have words about this. Is this going to be a one time thing for one family member, or will it be for everyone? Is your H strong enough to push back if they say it’s for one family member and then change the rules?
Anonymous
This whole situation is full of red flags. If you give them this, what will they want next? Better to set a boundary of “we can spend up to $1,000 on this kind of thing.”
Anonymous
I think you are right on with your standard “big life event” gift amount. Anything else is a poor choice for your nuclear family.
I also think it’s awful that these high earners are expecting their siblings with more ordinary budgets to subsidize their social-climbing ego trip.
Cat
+1
Anon
Agreed.
Anonymous
the other thought i had yesterday is whether you and your husband would even get “credit” for the gift from the university (if you’re hoping it will be a thumb on the scale for your kids). would you give $ to the university or would the “family” give $ to the university that has been collected from all of you?
i think the risk of later siblings doing it is a serious one.
anon
I agree on both counts. Sibling gifts will not end here, and if you’re all going in together on a family gift, I can’t see how you as individuals will get credit.
Using philanthropy as social climbing is such a gross concept, but I realize it’s the world we live in. Your DH’s siblings are out of touch.
Anonymous
I worked in university development earlier in my career. If you are giving anything – and I agree with your idea of giving a big life gift amount like 1k and nothing more – I would NOT give it to oldest bro or whomever to then collectively they send to the university. Given that you have kids whose dad is an alum of this school, who may apply to this school years from now, you want any amount you give no matter how small to count for YOUR kids. Way to do this is tell the siblings we’ll put in our 1k AFTER the university sets up the fund for the Smith Family Professorship. Clearly the family is not gathering the 6-7 million that an endowed professorship on the east coast at a med school takes these days. So once they put in their few hundred thousand, the university will then set up an online fund for fundraising from all other sources. Same way they have an Undergraduate Fund, fund to contribute to health system parking for those in need, Fund for Dr. So and So’s Research on X Disease. Once that is set up, DH goes in and makes the contribution the same way he’d contribute to the Undergrad Scholarship Fund or whatever – bc then it is tracked back to DH’s name.
I’m not suggesting that giving 1k to this or even a few thousand over the years total is going to get your kids into this ivy but let’s be real legacy plus donor does add a tiny bit to an ivy applicant. Whatever minimal benefit there is should go to YOUR kids, not to the Smith Family generally.
Anonymous
As someone who is actually old money your family are not rich and them LARPing by endowing a professor won’t get your family the social status they want.
anon
I am not any kind of money, but I do work in higher ed. I don’t think there’s a ton of prestige to be gained for the donor. It IS a big deal for a faculty member to get an endowed professorship, and it does mean something for the institution, but I don’t see it as a huge flex for a donor. That’s what buildings are for.
Anon
Also in higher ed, and this is 100% true.
Anonymous
OP here – I completely agree. I don’t see why DH and his family don’t see it. Gathering money collectively to endow one chair is laughable as far as New England old money or any old money is concerned. First they don’t have to gather money for such things, they simply have their family office cut a check. Not to mention once they get one endowed professorship underway, then it’ll be like hmm these other families have five of them plus ten buildings. Like sorry our 300k HHI doesn’t put us there and it never will. I’m from a second gen immigrant family and I find this whole thing a huge waste of time and money. I also don’t understand why the money couldn’t be to help someone. Like why not give a scholarship to that med school or something? First that doesn’t cost millions so it doesn’t need to be a collective thing, second it helps someone get ahead.
anon
They’ve definitely told you something about their values, OP. Good luck with what sounds like a difficult conversation.
Anonymous
I didn’t comment yesterday but this was exactly my thought when I read the post – instead of endowing a chair, even if they want to give to THAT university, give a scholarship or a few scholarships. That doesn’t require collective money because you can literally set something up that pays for the first semester of someone’s med school or pays the next three years for whomever is highest ranked after year one or pays the way of someone who is the top aspiring pathologist in the class if your BIL Is a pathologist etc. Given that med school is 100k per year, if you really feel you want to do something at your university, there are SO many ways to do it to benefit someone.
Anon
Agree. This family’s plan seems akin to Ivanka at the G20.
Anon
“As someone who is actually old money”…calling yourself “old money” is…something…
Anon
Yeah, I almost sprained my face from the eyeroll.
Anon
Ummm someone who earns a $500k bonus, especially for multiple years, is rich. They may not be “old rich” or whatever but they are rich. This board is crazy.
I’m not saying they are rich as an insult, but just as an objective fact. Just because others are richer or just because others’ grandparents or whatever made a bunch of money doesn’t make that less true.
Anon
+1
Anon
+1
Anon
If they’re handling their money right, they probably should be rich, but if they’re relying on income and not wealth for security, they shouldn’t be endowing chairs.
Anon
My comment was not about what they “should” or “shouldn’t” do. It was about their level of income. Whether they’re handling it as you think they should or not, they are rich.
Anon
To me, high income is different from “would be rich even without working.” Without that level of security, endowing a chair at a university seems irresponsible to me. But maybe they’ve invested wisely and will never have to worry about money again.
Anon
I think that’s reasonable. I said yesterday I’d do $500. I would stretch it to $1-2k if it was really important to my husband. But anything more is not fiscally responsible especially if you may have to do this for seven other siblings!
Anon
I can totally understand choosing not to spend more than $500 or $1000 or $2000 but struggling to wrap my head around how donating more than that is ‘not fiscally responsible’ for a family with HHI $300000″ (that doesn’t have wildly unusually high costs somewhere else – if you can comfortably, fiscally responsibly, spend “$5000 more” on a vacation just because you kinda want it to be more luxury, you can absolutely donate that kind of money “responsibly”. You can choose to donate to a different cause, and you can choose to spend or save the money on yourself instead, but “you can’t afford” more than $2000 is like those NYTimes “I make $300k and I feel middle class” articles
Anon
Well they have kids (I think she said 3?) to put through college and retirement to fund and they live in a very HCOL area. I get that people making $300k are not poor by any stretch of the imagination, but they also have a lot of big expenses ahead of them and to be giving away $10k many times over doesn’t seem very wise to me. But fair point. I also don’t believe she should have to sacrifice a vacation to fund this, but that’s not really about fiscal responsibility.
Anonymous
If your husband feels strongly about this, he should be able to give up his golfing or his guys’ trip or some other personal expenditure to finance it.
Anonymous
what is your favorite body sunscreen? i’ve just been wearing rashguards for the past 10 years while the kids were small, but maybe i’m ready to go back to a regular swimsuit…
anon
Don’t forget the backs of hands! They are like necks…. they reveal our age via skin damage earlier than most other skin.
I use neutrogena – one of the ones rec here that my derm also likes.
Anonymous
Sun Bum is the only one that works for me.
Flats Only
And smells best – like a vacation!
anon
The chemical-filled Banana Boat and Coppertone standards are what works best for me. Sun Bum is okay, but I hate the greasiness. Mineral sunscreens are terrible to work with; I always end up with patchiness.
Anon
They’re all fine. I usually use Neutrogena Beach Defense or my kids’ Blue Lizard or Think Baby. I’ve also used other brand names and whatever generic brand is cheapest. I’ve never gotten burnt with any of them. It’s more about how you apply.
Anonanonanon
Really love the Supergoop Play lotion. Expensive but love the smell and feel.
anon
Supergoop Play and the real key is getting the big pump bottle. So much easier than trying to get it out of little bottles.
Anon
The mineral sunscreen from Trader Joe’s.
Gail the Goldfish
MDSolarSciences moisture defense. Pros: It’s reef-safe and it works really, really well. Cons: It’s expensive, and it’s mineral, so it’s hard to get off at the end of the day (and out of swimsuits). Oil-based cleanser to get it off body, I still haven’t figured out the trick for getting it out of fabric. Also like the Neutrogena sheer touch, but it’s chemical-based and not reef safe if that’s a concern. (Also, would like the FDA to get their act together on approving new sunscreens)
SFAttorney
Pipette. I sometimes use it on my face too.
Anon
Depends how much you care about sun protection… rashguards protect your skin better than any sunscreen can, so I’ll never give them up. I also wear swim leggings in places with very intense sun. I don’t care how dumb I look, the sun protection is worth it.
But to answer the question about sunscreen, European sunscreens are better than American ones because they have newer ingredients that aren’t approved here. https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/05/18/1251919831/sunscreen-effective-better-ingredients-fda
My arm sunscreen for daily use is Avene Intense Protect. I use La Roche Posay on my face.
Peloton
Haha, I can’t be the only person who just buys whatever’s on sale and SPF 50+.
Loofah
You are not :)
The only thing I won’t buy is Banana Boat because i got really badly burned once, even with reapplying frequently.
But it also makes sense to get something you like so you’re more likely to use (enough of) it.
Anon
I get very bad burns very easily so I have to be selective.
Once when I was a teen and my mother got a big bottle of No Ad SPF 50. I ended up in the hospital with 2nd degree burns everywhere the swimsuit didn’t cover, just from half a day at the beach in the blazing sun. Horrible experience, so painful.
Peloton
This sounds awful, and I’d be picky, too!
Anon
Pretty much the same when it comes to body sunscreens. I’m not selective about face sunscreens.
Anon
Veepstakes — for an informal betting pool, my $ is on Kelly. But I can’t figure out who my fallbacks are (need two more picks). NC’s Roy Cooper (IMO maybe too nice for what is a bulldog sort of a role)? Who else?
Sort of wondering how people would do opposite Vance in a debate. I have never heard him speak. I just read reviews of Hillbilly Elegy when it came out and the fact that Yale people could not comprehend someone from THE Ohio State University being there was sadly relatable. I do think that at the debate, he should be announced like an NFL All-Star game, emphasizing the THE in Ohio State.
SFAttorney
I’d like to see someone with foreign policy experience, but I don’t think any of the potential VPs do. Of course, geographic and other diversity is important too.
pink nails
My bet is Kelly too. I think in as short of race it is, a lot of voters are ultimately going to remember one thing about the VP and for Kelly that would be “astronaut” and that is cool and could actually help.
My fallbacks would be Shapiro and Tim Walz.
Anon
He definitely seems to be the adult in the room.
Cooper is also, but I feel like he looks like a regular dad and Kelly has the bald astronaut charisma going for him. Shouldn’t matter, but to me, that explains the Kennedys (that and $).
Anon
Can we really risk that senate seat in a red state?
Anon
The governor who’d appoint his replacement is a Democrat
pink nails
AZ Dem governor gets to appoint Kelly’s replacement if he becomes VP.
Anon
I don’t know much about Tim Walz but I saw a two minute clip of him on MSNBC and was VERY impressed. He called JD a grifter in a hilarious way, and also said something like “politics should be boring again so we can see our relatives at Thanksgiving without having to listen to crazy ranting.” I thought it was very sensible and would appeal to most people who aren’t hardcore MAGA. I also like that he’s been a teacher.
Apparently Kelly has a big problem with unions? And I still think Israel is a huge liability for Shapiro, especially since Kamala seems to be trying to move in a more pro-Palestinian direction than Biden. And it doesn’t make sense to pick Pete B with the recent airline meltdown, and he’s younger and less experienced than the governors anyway. Imo, any of Cooper, Beshear and Walz would be fine but the one who has impressed me the most from short clips is Walz. My guess is all of them would be fine against Vance (he has negative charisma) but I think debating is not actually a big deal. Historically debates don’t move the needle very much in elections. Even the recent Biden -Trump one (which obviously impacted the election!) didn’t actually seem to have a huge impact on the polls.
Anon
+1 politics should be boring
Flats Only
Mayor Pete – if he can fix the airlines, or at least give us the feeling that we’re getting our money’s worth after the 2020 bailout, he should have national aspirations in the next round. Kamala should keep him on as Sec Trans to keep working the issue.
Anon
From MN – can confirm Walz is extremely likable. I said this the other day – he’s not elitist, he can talk farm policy because he actually understands it, he’s positive and upbeat – and MN has a strong bench and would survive without him. It wouldn’t deliver MN to Dems (that was already in the bag) but I think he’d do very well campaigning in the less urban parts of the upper midwest that are essential to a win. No one feels threatened by him.
I think Kelly is ultimately the better pick but Walz has been vetted (no skeletons, he’s pretty boring) has been in congress, military, and has run a couple of very successful campaigns where he won well above the margins of other statewide Dem candidates. He’s pro police, pro union, pro bodily autonomy, and has a real ‘aw shucks’ appeal that is not an act. Could potentially deliver the not-MAGA craze old white person vote, who might otherwise stay home.
Anon
Kelly is my first bet. Don’t forget he was in the Navy before he was an astronaut, so he brings military experience against Mr. Draft Dodger. Perhaps floating around space with Europeans counts as foreign policy experience? ha! I wonder though how Gabby Giffords would feel about being back in a public role.
Cooper is a good elected official with experience at building consensus, making things happen, and being reasonable. He may bring moderates into the fold.
I don’t think the VP needs to be a bulldog. If one of the pair does need to be, I feel like Kamala’s got the assertive role down, so someone more laid back would be a good match with her. (In that respect, Clinton-Kaine were a good match…but not really in many others.)
Anonymous
I think Kelly is the best choice for both electability and competence reasons, and that is why the party will choose someone else.
Anon
Literal lol
Anon
I also like Kelly best but would be happy with Cooper or Walz. Walz was in the military, was a teacher and coach, and is a rural Midwesterner, which is a nice contrast to all the lawyer/AG types (also why I like Kelly). He taught in China, which isn’t exactly foreign policy experience, but it is a significant engagement with one of the countries we most need to navigate a relationship with.
Anon
I don’t believe the Yale story. Vance is the same age is me, and no one acted surprised that I was a state U student at Stanford. I now know tons of people who went to Yale, and again none of them act shocked that I want to a state U.
Anon
Eh, people at Yale Law are pretty snobby. That doesn’t really surprise me.
Anonymous
FWIW, I went to Yale Law and there were lots of people from state schools. My class had a statistically improbable number of people from North Dakota. My closest friend went to the University of Delaware. Another went to Arizona State. There were people who were homeschooled, people who were Rhodes Scholars, veterans or people actively in the reserves, people who had been VPs at Goldman Sachs. It was really legitimately diverse by way of background. There’s plenty of stuff to critique about Yale Law, but his description of his experience there just does not ring true to me.
Anonymous
I didn’t go to Yale, but I feel like his description of the experience is a self-fulfilling prophecy. He felt like people looked down on his going to a State U because HE didn’t feel it was good enough (for whatever ludicrous reason).
Anon
I think that a lot of people discover they are from a Dakota when it comes time to apply to schools.
Anonymous
Maybe, but these folks were truly from a Dakota!
Anonymous
LOL. I just spent the past year explaining to my generic high-achieving white suburban daughter that she was welcome to apply to Yale but she probably wouldn’t get in unless we moved to North Dakota. (She did not apply.)
Anon
Half my family are from the Dakotas. I had no idea that was an advantage! None of them are interested in a Yale-level education though.
Anon
It’s not really. People love to talk about how you get “geographic diversity” points for being from these places, but 1) geographic diversity isn’t that important, it’s not like racial diversity and 2) at least for undergrad (I’m less familiar with law school) they take very small numbers of people from these rural states, and small sample sizes results in a lot more randomness to the process. College admissions has randomness to begin with but it increases hugely when they’re only taking one person from your whole state. Making up numbers here, but it’s something like they take 10 out 100 applicants from a place like Massachusetts and 1 out of 100 from North Dakota, so if you’re the best applicant it’s better to be in MA where if you get bumped out by some Olympic athlete or VIP donor’s kid you won’t lose out on the one and only spot for the state.
Anonymous
If you’re the type of person who has sent cards or emails thanking people or updating people – like mentors, people you used to work with that helped you, maybe old teachers or people who were in your life when young – do you feel like you do it for you or for them?
Birthday week for me. Mid 40s. And I’m feeling reflective and kind of wanting to reach out to people who were important to me at various points in my life whether school or early career or whatever. Nothing over the top – just a quick email hello with a little update and maybe a thank you for what they did for me. Mentioned this in front of DH who scoffed and was like will they even remember you?? I mean maybe they wouldn’t offhand as I was never the star of the class or the most outspoken and I didn’t always tell early career people they were my mentors but rather learned by watching their work closely. But IDK part of me thinks this is also for me too, even if the recipient says oh how nice and presses delete. What do you think?
Anon
I’ve done both. And the most recent was the OB who delivered my first kid 13 years ago — he was a preemie and the birth was really scary, and this OB made what could have been a really difficult day much better. So I found him and wrote him that. It was for me, mostly, maybe also for him. And it felt good.
Here’s the thing I’ve come around to: if it’s something nice, say it. Worst case scenario, they don’t remember you. Best case scenario, they do. Either way, a kind word can really be a wonderful thing and there’s no downside to it.
Anon
I do this and it’s totally for me – the feeling of connection and focusing on gratitude feels really good. Of course it’s also a nice boost if the person sends a kind response but even if not, I’m always glad I reached out.
Me
I say do it. Even if the people don’t remember you, they will be delighted to learn that their actions mattered enough that you’re still thinking of/benefiting from/appreciative of them so many years later. Who would not want to hear that?
I will add that, in the last year of my mom’s life when she was on hospice, she appreciated notes like this even more. She wanted to know she had mattered to people and touched their lives. She also loved cards with happy memories that she got to relive then from bed. Cards like the ones you’re describing brought such joy to her when almost nothing else could. So for everyone else out there, remember to send these notes while people are still alive and don’t wait to send the memories in the sympathy cards to the survivors.
Nesprin
What a great exercise- reflecting on people you’ve fallen out of touch with who mentored you at earlier phases. I may steal this for a milestone birthday this year!
I’ve had a couple old students reach out (and a pair of my past interns just sent me their wedding invite!) and even if it’s a vague memory, it’s a great feeling.
Anon
I think your husband’s response was rude. Wouldn’t anyone appreciate a nice, heartfelt note? I’ve never received a kind word from a person in my past that I was angry or upset about.
Of course I’m doing it partially for myself— it feels good to remember good times and to cheer someone up. But also doing it for the other person bc they will truly appreciate it.
Loofah
+1 to both points. Even if it’s somebody I barely remember, I’m not gonna be mad about getting a nice note!
anon
Every time I have done this, the recipient has been delighted and touched, and often they reach back out to me with cards/calls / help in the future.
I’m sorry your husband is a jerk. Is this typical? You should show him this thread.
Peloton
If they don’t remember you from back then, they’ll remember your kindness from now on. Kindness and gratitude are wonderful gifts to give, and I applaud your desire to do this.
Anon
Here is a Q. My dad died. My mom is his executor. Her POA listed him first with me as a backup. She inherited everything under the will.
If she wants me to help move 401Ks around and do things like pay the property taxes, does she need to get a POA? Use the old POA and append it and the death certificate for my dad for why I can help out? She’s not handling minutia well at the moment (and never did, that was dad’s job) and I don’t want her to not renew the car insurance or something dumb like that. IDK what is the right paperwork thing to do here (maybe send her to a lawyer?).
I would just do it, but of the 4 children, one has Problems and thinks that anything I do is a big conspiracy thing to take all the $; the others say “you’re so good with paperwork” and prefer to let someone else handle. I’m only first on the alternates list because I’m the oldest (not because I’m more competent but it made it easier for the Problem sibling to stomach I think or easier cover for my parents explaining it).
Anon
I would get new POA or use old and have death certificate handy. If all you are doing is helping and not distributing assets, other sibs shouldn’t care.
Anon
IDK — if your mom is doing executor functions, I am not sure if a POA suffices. The POA lets you handle her affairs personally. It doesn’t let you, say, act as a trustee of a trust she is in charge of (I don’t think) because those are the trust’s affairs and that job is likely considered personal to her. But maybe the will lets her delegate the executor function (like hiring a CPA or attorney to handle the estate and then you’d do so as the executor’s delegate and not under the executor’s personal POA). Maybe too fine of a point? And I’m sure this happens all the time (down to the relative making a stink because every family has that relative and death and weddings bring out the worst in them).
Anonymous
Can you just figure everything out and line it up for her to sign?
Anon
OP here and no — bad look for Problem Sibling if I am having mom sign things. Better have a lawyer draft up and tell her (if she needs to see a lawyer to figure all this out; I could tell her just to go back to whom drafted their wills).
Nesprin
If you have a problem sibling, I think you’d be better off hiring a lawyer than getting involved.
Anonymous
If your mom is having a hard time (understandably!) and is going to want help, it may be best to start by consulting an estate lawyer. If hiring one for the entire process is a possibility, that will most likely be the easiest thing, and may help with your Problem sibling blaming you for things. They can blame the lawyer instead.
I’m settling both of my parents’ estates at the moment. They’re very straightforward but still very time consuming and emotionally taxing in ways I didn’t expect. If I could start over, I’d have just hired a lawyer from the beginning.
Anon
POAs usually stop at death. The executor takes over upon death.
If your mom doesn’t want to be executor, does the Will allow for a replacement? If not, the suggestion to line up paperwork and have her sign is a good one.
Anon
I have a kid I take to music lessons for an hour each week. I miss music and used to play my kid’s instrument but don’t want to be that weird mom who picks it up again when her kid starts doing it. I could take a drum lesson at the same time, guitar, or try to get the guitar teacher to teach me mandolin (have one in a closet at home).
My concern with drumming is that I would never practice (no space for drum kit; don’t want neighbors to hate me) and that I think I’m really strongly right-handed and it seems like drummers need a functioning left hand and I swear mine is vestigial if it needs to do the same thing the much better right hand is doing. Just pass on drums? Some days though, I think it would be cathartic and would be OK being mediocre due to not practicing at home.
Stick to string instruments? I’m at least used to reading sheet music in the treble cleft side of the scale (not base notation really, more in the soprano range of musical voices).
WWYD? Music center is great and I think it’s a blessing to spend $ on keeping music teachers in funds. This is why we work.
Anonymous
I would pick the instrument you already know back up. That isn’t weird at all.
Moose
I think you should play whatever instrument you want to play – the caveats you list don’t seem like big problems. Play the same instrument as your kid? Why not? Bad left hand drumming? All drummers have to develop non-dominant hand skill and are bad at the beginning. Also, you can get a drum pad with headphones. No need to annoy neighbors!
Pursue what you actually want to do! You can always change your mind, or try something else.
Anon
I think they make silent electronic drumsets with headsets?
I say play whatever instrument you want. Mandolin, guitar, drums, whatever floats your boat. I wouldn’t think twice about a mom who picked a high school instrument back up if her kid had started it. “Oh, Junior’s taking it and it looked like fun!”
I have less than zero musical talent, and every once in a while, I just get this itch out of nowhere to play the piano. I only got as far as Jingle Bells on the black keys in my 5th grade lessons ;)
Anonymous
I’d play the drums. It sounds like that’s what you really want to do. You don’t have to be good at it, you don’t even have to be mediocre. You can be awful, and still have fun and get a little bit better with each lesson.
Can you buy one of those electronic things, so you can play with headphones?
Anonymous
Just take the lessons on the instrument you want to take, with the teacher who is right for you. NB that a teacher who is good with kids may or may not be the teacher for an adult beginner.
I have a bachelor’s degree in flute performance, learned sight-singing as a degree requirement, discovered that I enjoyed singing, and sang in the college choir for fun. I “retired” from all musical activities at graduation. 20+ years later, I decided I wanted to perform again and joined three volunteer choral organizations including the local symphony orchestra’s chorus. Around that same time my teen daughter decided she wanted to do choir and musical theatre. I signed us both up for voice lessons with a bel canto teacher who came highly recommended and is on the faculty at a couple of local universities. We go together and take our lessons back to back. We don’t listen to one another’s lessons because it intimidates my daughter to have me in the room and I think it’s inappropriate for mom to be eavesdropping, and my daughter doesn’t like hearing my lessons because I pick things up faster than she does thanks to my previous musical experience. The teacher is a perfect fit for me but my daughter resisted her serious approach for the first year or so and complained that “everyone else gets to take fun lessons from the Broadway teachers.” The summer before her senior year she finally got on board with the fact that she needs to learn proper technique and work her way through 24 Italian Songs and Arias even if she never wants to be an opera singer. In a few weeks she’ll go off to major in vocal performance at a liberal arts college with one of the best choral music programs in the country. I will continue taking lessons, have begun to take on some solo work, and will be in my first opera chorus this winter. Becoming a singer has been the best thing I’ve done for myself since I graduated from college.
TL/DR: Do it! But you might need a different teacher than your kid needs.
Anonymous
One other thought: consider what your ultimate performance goals are. I chose to invest my time in voice lessons rather than picking the flute back up because there are so many more opportunities for serious adult amateur singers to perform than there are for flutists. Do you want to be in a band? What kind of band? Community orchestra? Chamber music? Church praise band? Find out what opportunities are out there and how competitive they are before committing to an instrument.
Anon
I’m not a musician, but I don’t think this is weird. I just started taking dance class at my daughter’s dance studio when they introduced an adult class.
Anonymous
I did the same thing and it was awesome!
Anonymous
It’s not about you though— this should be a kid preference thing
Not everyone will care. But FWIW, I took up violin because I was tired of piano—and my mom the piano player wanting to get involved in picking music with me and offering tips while I practiced. Your kid may not like being in your shadow or having to share something that felt special. This should be about supporting their passion at this time in life. Tread carefully.
Anon
I think critiquing your kid or trying to get involved in their lessons is completely different from what I did and what OP is proposing, which is simply taking up a hobby. Adults are people too who have the right to do things they enjoy. I resent the idea that because my kid happens to enjoy dance I’m not allowed to do it. (I was dancing 25 years before my kid was even born!) But I would never in a million years want to sit in on her lessons or give her tips or anything like that unless she specifically asked me to.
For the record she is thrilled.
Anonymous
There is a reason OP is exploring other instruments. It’s not about being allowed or rights. Framing it that way frankly makes you sound really immature—and like the type who won’t let it be your kids passion without your influence.
Anon
🙄
I can understand being irritated if your mom was offering you piano tips you didn’t want. But as I said, that’s not what OP is talking about. If your objection is simply to your mother playing the piano because you also decided you wanted to play piano — when your mom did it first, and piano was only one of several instruments you tried out as a kid — your mom is not the one in the wrong here. Good moms don’t martyr themselves at the altar of their kids and quit every hobby their children happen to express interest in.
Also I think you’re reallyyyy projecting your own Mommy Issues here. Most kids are happy to share stuff with their parents if the parents aren’t overbearing. My mom participated in my main activity (which I did 20+ hours per week) when I was a tween and teen, even performing in shows with me, and it was fine. Of course I had moments of not wanting her around or being embarrassed by something she said or did, but all teens do. It’s not something I harbor any resentment about as an adult.
Anonymous
Counterpoint, I was a competitive figure skater from ages 8-18. My mom skated recreationally but got more involved over time because she was spending so much time at the rink for me and ended up eventually getting her own coach and competing on the adult track. It didn’t bother me at all, and I never felt like she was trying to make my skating all about her. She left me alone to do my own thing, and never tried to participate in my lessons or correct my technique. There were lots of moms at the rink who DID make their daughter’s skating about them, but they were sitting in the stands and yelling down at the ice. These moms saw their daughters’ competitive success or lack thereof as a reflection on them, and they centered themselves in their daughter’s sport without ever stepping foot onto the ice.
tl;dr: don’t be an overbearing stage mom, but how overbearing you are has nothing to do with your hobbies.
Anon
Pick whatever instrument calls to you the most! Guitar and mandolin both use your left hand, but once you get over the awkwardness of unfamiliar movements, it becomes natural. Especially with consistent practice.
Peloton
You might like the book Beginners, where the author ends up doing several of the same activities as his daughter. It is not weird! It seems to really be a wonderful joint experience. He has some thoughts on how to avoid overpowering your kid that you might like.