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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Lily Ruffle-Embellished Silk Blouse

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A woman wearing a rust-colored blouse and off-white pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

How pretty is this ruffled blouse from Nili Lotan? The cognac color is gorgeous for this fall/winter transition period, and the ruffles are lovely without getting into Puffy Shirt territory.

This would look beautiful under a plaid blazer or with a midi skirt. 

The blouse is $690 at Saks Fifth Avenue and comes in sizes XS-XL. 

Sales of note for 5/8:

  • Nordstrom – Savings event – up to 25% off! Good deals on Veronica Beard, Vince, Reiss (esp. coats), and Boss, as well as Wit & Wisdom and NYDJ
  • Ann Taylor – Mother's Day Event: 40% off your purchase. Readers love this popover blouse, and their suiting is also in the sale.
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code
  • Express – $39+ summer styles + 25% off everything else
  • J.Crew – Up to 50% off swim, dresses, and more
  • J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything, and extra 50% off clearance
  • Lands' End – 50% off sitewide — lots of ponte dresses come down under $25, and this packable raincoat in gingham is too cute
  • Lo & Sons – Mother's Day Sale: Up to 40% off — reader favorites include this laptop tote, this backpack, and this crossbody
  • Loft – 50% off your purchase + free shipping, plus 2 for $28 tanks and tees
  • MAC – Enjoy 30% off lip products and receive a 4-piece Mother's Day gift with $90
  • M.M.LaFleur – Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
  • Ruti – Take $55 off your purchase with code 55ONUS
  • Sephora – Free same-day delivery for Mother's Day with code
  • Talbots – 50% off wear-now styles (5/8 only)
  • The Outnet – Extra 30% off select styles, including Veronica Beard, Victoria Beckham, and Marni.
  • TOCCIN – Use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off!
  • Vivrelle – Looking to own less stuff but still try trends? Use code CORPORETTE for a free month, and borrow high-end designer clothes and bags!

244 Comments

  1. What is the best scar cream and where do you get it if not Amazon? Thanks! My son had some tough mosquito bites this summer so it’s for a 14yo (adult sized though)

    3. Hands down Biocorneum. You can buy it a lot of places, including the river site. It’s expensive but worth it. It was recommended to me by a plastic surgeon. I’m very scar prone and I have 0 scarring from a second degree burn thanks to it.

      1. I was wondering whether a medical grade silicone product was available OTC; I’m glad to learn it is!

      2. I have internal scarring / fibroisis from a biopsy (I can feel it beneath the skin; skin scar is fading nicely). Might it help with that? I don’t like feeling so lumpy. Wish I had thought of this as it was healing but now it’s 2-3 months in (and I am #blessed that I’m just left with vanity issues).

        1. I would say its worth a try. For my keloid scars what worked was literally wrapping with an ace bandage and more-or-less smooshing them. I was shocked at how well it worked, but probs something to ask a doctor about first.

          2. Plastic surgeon. Or dermatologist who specifically says they have experience in plastic surgery or wound healing. Preferably plastic surgeon.

        2. When I had surgery, I was instructed to do scar tissue massage after a certain time had passed to break up scar tissue lumps. Maybe it would be worth asking a medical professional if that could be right for your situation.

    6. not sure what ‘adult size’ has to do with scar cream- it’s not a weight based medicine. Pharmacies carry them, like Mederma.

    7. Depending on location of the scars, you might want to try scar tape instead. It flattens and smooths much better. A derm can also do a steroid injection to smooth. If it’s more an issue of color than texture, a cream or serum for hyperpigmentation will work well (like Murad). In my experience, scar creams themselves do very little.

      1. FYI – the main purpose of the silicone tape / bandages is to provide a moist environment and sun protection.

    8. I just use neosporin for this.

      Btw, get a Bug Bite Thing and he won’t have to deal with scarring.

        1. All I know is I was in college and got a huge V-shaped airbag burn in a car accident. At the time, I was still a virgin and was worried it would scar and brand me like a scarlet letter HA. It healed without a trace, hence my neosporin rec.

          1. It actually slows healing, plus lots of people are allergic to it, which makes things even worse.

          2. yeah, definitely not neosporin cream. That has nothing to do with decreasing scarring.

        2. Yes, but dermatologists and other doctors generally aren’t phased by trying to get a doctor’s appointment. The rest of us can be forgiven for using the triple antibiotic formulation to avoid an infected cut.

          1. A single antibiotic will do that. Triple antibiotic causes the issues mentioned by Anon @ 10:19

          2. But there are other recommendations (Polysporin, for instance). It’s not about being forgiven, but there is value in staying up to date, and it doesn’t have to cost money to stay up to date. If appts are an issue, you can often talk to the pharmacist since checking contraindications for OTC drugs is best practice anyway.

      1. Bio oil specifically doesn’t do anything – any oil massaged in will work as well. When I got burned I looked into this extensively, and massaging the scar, making sure it doesn’t get infected, and spf made the biggest difference. Vaseline beat out a lot of the creams/oils that you can buy.

    10. Mederma worked on my daughter’s old scar from a burn. I was surprised since the scar was well over a year old when we started treating it. Have never tried the others mentioned, but I will mention that another daughter has scarring reactions to mosquito bites if she does not apply Benadryl cream immediately after the bite. She keeps it with her at all times.

  2. Help me plan a trip next April! Have a milestone event then, so heading to Europe to check off one bucket list item – tulip festival in Amsterdam (which is why the trip is taking place in April, which I know is risky from a weather perspective). What is a logical place (or two) to pair with that trip, that is not continental western Europe? From study abroad, I’ve seen France/Germany/Italy/Spain/Greece/Switzerland. Send me any itinerary ideas please!!!

    1. iceland? scotland or ireland or whales? continental western europe makes geographic sense. also where you are you starting in the US? like if you have to connect from home through a major city maybe spend a day or two whereever you fly through?

        1. I’m also ORD-based for international travel. We have a lot of direct flights to Europe but not everywhere. That could definitely be a starting point to narrow it down.

    2. Family recently traveled to Copenhagen and Stockholm and enjoyed both more than they thought they would. Brussels is also interesting.

    3. How long did you study abroad? Like, I could happily spend months in France alone so the thought of crossing countries off the list based on a semester or year is… not a thing I would even think to do! Ex- I would love to go to Monet’s Giverny in spring after seeing it looking beautiful even in early fall.

      1. Thanks – besides study abroad, have done multiple trips to western european countries so feeling like I need to branch out!

      1. That sounds great. And from Copenhagen be sure to do a day trip to Malmo, Sweden.

    5. my parents went to see the tulips, it was on my mom’s bucket list and i’m so glad she got to go for her 60th bday before she passed away at 65. they paired it with Paris as they hadn’t been there in 20+ years when they went. not necessarily logical, but Portugal can be ok that time of year. You might also consider Prague/Budapest/Vienna or Warsaw and Krakow in Poland. Have you been to the UK?

    6. I would go to southern Spain, as you will get much nicer weather there than in most other parts of Europe. Seville will be in the 70s and sunny.

      2. Another vote for Seville. Gorgeous city and really nice weather in the spring. We were there for spring break in mid-March and it was in the 70s. It might even be getting too warm for me by late April.

        Istanbul should also be pretty mild in April and has direct flights to Chicago.

    7. The logical places are continental western Europe, unless you mean you want to take advantage of Amsterdam as a hub to reach someplace otherwise less accessible and keep going east? I would visit Riga, Warsaw, or Budapest if you want someplace a little different.

    8. How long do you have? Like if it’s just a week total then I’d probably do 3-4 days Netherlands and short haul direct to Morocco or Turkey for 3-4 days.

      If you have like a week, I’d do a safari in Kenya or Tanzania. You want to stay roughly in the same time zones to avoid jet lag vs going to Japan from Amsterdam or something.

    9. Consider Africa. Amsterdam has direct flights to South Africa – but be careful. Safety requires an entirely different level of vigilance there.

    10. Istanbul and Morocco are both really interesting and would have pretty good weather at that time of year.

      If you prefer to stay in Europe, Copenhagen and Stockholm are both on my list. Personally, I think early summer would be preferable, but if you’re okay with the risk of cool and rainy weather, I have heard good things about both.

    11. Staying in different regions of a country for as long as I can swing it, especially in smaller cities and villages, gives me a different understanding of a country than just seeing the big cities and tourist attractions. And is much more pleasurable!

      I’d look plan a trip around a region I’d yet to visit in a place where I have some language skills in the dominant language, ideally within a nice train ride of Amsterdam.

    12. If you haven’t been to England, London is just an incredible, easy city with lots of dining and museums and shopping. It’s truly one of the great cities of the world, assuming you like cities. You could easily catch a flight or train to Europe if you fly into London. I had a great time there recently with recommendations from this board. I lucked out and didn’t get rain, but had such a nice time.

      Also, it was so much fun going back as an adult with a budget and only myself to please, versus a study abroad student who cut a few corners due to cost and other students’ plans. Belgium is interesting, but similar to Amsterdam, and Paris is also incredible. The Nordic countries are beautiful but again you’ll have the weather to think about.

  3. The best thing for scars are silicone scar sheets or a silicone ointment. But it sounds like there isn’t healing wound anymore, so instead you’d probably want something like hydroquinone for pigmentation?

  4. Lesson learned: house direction makes a HUGE difference in the winter. I live in Central Indiana (we get snow once it a while, no lake effect snow thankfully) however our driveway is steep and faces north. Even a tiny amount of snow can freeze over if not cleared immediately.. I am envious of the neighbors across the street who haven’t had to shovel or throw salt down. Their south facing driveways melt like magic!

    Love the house otherwise but will sell it in the summer months one day……. and bring a compass to the next house. Hah.

    1. West facing front door. The metal mailbox SIZZLES some days. I planted deciduous trees so the summer isn’t quite as brutal, but OMG. I have to put down a towel to sit on the seat in my car (city street parking; shade trees aren’t tall enough to shade a car parked under them but are large enough to drop plenty of sap).

      OTOH, I have an old musty wood trunk. I’m thinking that if I put it in the car in the summer, a week or so will just autoclave the funk out of it. Yes? No? There has to be an upside of hot cars.

      3. Maybe just put the trunk on your porch? Or leave the windows cracked in your car.

        When we go car camping in the summer, I use the hot interior to bake our beach towels dry overnight. They drape over the back of the seat and are bone dry by morning.

    2. Fully agree. I live in MA and daydream about a heated driveway (just the portion by our garage/house). The shoveling isn’t fun but the icing over from snow melt is the real PITA.

      1. I remember seeing a Zillow listing of a house with a heated driveway on a snowy day and it blew my mind. No shoveling!

    4. This is the single best feature of our house I did not appreciate while purchasing. South-facing houses are so nice because the kitchen and family areas face north and get such nice soft light.

    5. Not a driveway, but the steps to our row house are north-facing and I’m also very jealous of our neighbors across the street with their south-facing steps!

    6. Also applies in hot areas where you do not want tons of windows facing west in the summer.

    7. +1, it also matters a lot for light and warmth in the house and how you want to use the rooms. We wanted a southern exposure with bedrooms in the rear for this reason.

    8. If it makes you feel any better, I’m in a neighborhood with houses that are around 15 years old and the south-facing houses all need to be repainted, but the north-facing ones are looking as fresh as the day they were built!

    9. I had my husband map out the direction of the sun before we signed on our house. He stood in the dining room with his iPhone compass while I tried to imagine how the sun would hit the house.

      The house was perfect for us otherwise but I would have walked away if I didn’t get the sun from the preferred direction.

    10. I’m house hunting for the first time and discovering just how many things can be wrong with a home. Both with the house itself and the location. OP, would you genuinely consider it a dealbreaker or is this a tongue in cheek rant?

      1. Not the OP, but test drive exiting your potential driveway a few times. Is the visibility good? Is it steep, like OP’s? Are the other cars speeding or driving slowly?

        I would pass up a house with a bad driveway.

      2. I wouldn’t sell the house now just because of the driveway but I am serious when I say I will pay a lot more attention to the driveway for the next house (both the direction it faces and the grade/steepness of it). For example, we got 0.5 inch of snow one time. I didn’t think that needed cleared, however was proved very wrong when I attempted to drive up it and my wheels kept spinning, couldn’t get traction due to the steepness. I had to throw the emergency brake on and shovel tiny amounts of snow and throw salt down to get into the garage. I was scared it would slide back into the street and hit a parked car.

        If you live in a non-snowy climate, the direction is less important but the steepness can be annoying year round. Also, thankfully I park in the garage but parking on a steep driveway (even in the summer) is a pain. The car door closes on you and you have to be more careful than on a normal flat driveway. I tell guests to be careful and/or park in the street, whatever they’re comfortable with. I am young and can deal with the driveway currently but it’s not somewhere to easily “age in place.”

      4. I can deal with north facing in an area where we don’t get much snow. But refuse to buy something with a steep driveway

      5. In snowy/wintry areas I always, always look at the angle of the driveway and how many/steep the steps are. I live in MA and there were a few houses we looked at on lovely curvy private driveways that went over the water on the property (ponds/lakes) and all I could think was ‘oh my god I could slide out and drive into the pond’ on a badly snowy day. Or houses with 14+ steep stairs to get into the houses – that is a LOT to shovel and ice for you/visitors.

    11. Hi from another central Indiana poster!
      I’ve actually never thought about the orientation of my house. I guess it’s west facing. I do hate our steep driveway and would prioritize a flatter driveway if we ever moved but this is our forever home (I hate moving).

    12. My garage faces due north. Freezing rain or sleet that blows from the north even a little bit will cement the garage door to the concrete. The result is either door doesn’t open at all or the motor trys real hard and tears up (ask me how I know. Bleh). All this necessitates the leaving of vehicles in the driveway when there might be freezing precipitation from the north, thus negating the benefits of possessing a garage on those days. Back to scraping windshields and de-icing locks. Never will I ever own a north facing garage again.

    1. I think the Lo and Sons is prettier, but I don’t know what features you care about.

    2. I like the look and sleekness of the Tumi but if you like/will use lots of pockets the Lo and Sons.

    3. My concern with the Trinity bag is the drop of the shoulders and thin straps on the longer strap.

  6. Has anyone – maybe on the west coast – seen a fundraiser for the wife and children of the National Guard s h o o t e r?

    I volunteered extensively with the Afghan refugee community in the DC area when I lived there, and the biggest thing I know is that she didn’t ask for any of this. She didn’t choose her husband as a teenage bride, she didn’t choose to move to America, and she certainly didn’t choose the years without adequate food and worries of homelessness from a husband with mental illness.

    1. Nothing about a fundraiser turned up from my quick online search, but I learned about #AfghanEvac. Contacting them might provide additional information or reassurance that the wife and her five sons are being supported through this difficulty that, as you said, they did not choose.

      “Formed in August 2021 during the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan, #AfghanEvac is a 501(c)3 tax-exempt charity organization that built and administers the mechanism for cooperation between U.S. government agencies and non-governmental, mostly volunteer, groups working to ensure the United States keeps its promise to our Afghan allies.

      “#AfghanEvac serves as the bridge between civil society and the U.S. government, ensuring clear policies, strong advocacy, and direct support for Afghan allies.”

      (Retrieved from the #AfghanEvac mission statement at https://drive.google.com/file/d/19CLFzq4QS7MOE_t22Rcf61cRLoFbwAa7/view.)

  7. what’s the best LED mask? concerns are aging dull skin, redness, dark spots (but texture generally good and not many wrinkles) merci!!

    1. Do the masks really work? I do some cryotherapy, followed by 4-6 sessions of IPL, every couple of years in the fall. I’m in my mid-50s, and this is the only procedure I shell out for beyond semi-regular facials.

    2. I just got a panel instead and am happy with my decision. It’s the Hooga ultra360 and I think there’s probably a sale today.

    3. Look at the YouTube channel, Hot and Flashy. She does a scientific deep dive into various masks and what to look for in terms of the number of individual lights and the power of the lights.

    4. i dont know if it is the best one as ive only tried one, but i have the Omnilux and I do think it works. My skin looks smoother and brighter. Initially, I used it every day, but now I use it 3-4x per week and notice a difference if i havent used it for a couple of weeks.

    5. Dullness/fine lines are my primary concern and I’m very pleased with the CurrentBody mask. It’s flexible/comfortable to wear and I just plop it on my face while I’m still in bed in the AM. I’ve noticed a lot more of a ‘fresh faced’ resiliency since I’ve started using it.

      1. I have the Current Body one and have been religious about using it every night…I actually was surprised by how even and clear my skin looked one day while I was looking in my rear view mirror while backing up lol. I do think it works but you need to be consistent!

    6. Has anyone tried the Luyvor one? I like that the eyes seem to be better protected.

    7. If you have FSA money left, it’s available in the FSA store (I think the Omnilux). It’s my fantasy that someday I won’t have so many surprise health issues and will spend a surplus that way. Alas, this isn’t my year.

    8. You might try a laser treatment. I just did one and it literally erased all my sunspots (including a freckle that I thought was permanent!) and fixed a persistent red spot. Doesn’t work for melasma, but it was amazing for everything else.

  8. Okay, curious if my family or husband’s family is the more common approach.

    In my extended family – for a big meal like Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., guests are jumping over each other to offer to do the dishes. The host has zero obligation to wash any dishes unless they opt in.

    Husband’s family – maybe, MAYBE somebody will bring in a couple dishes. It’s expected that as the host, your guests are guests and part of hosting is doing all the dishes and clearing and cleaning.

    (Note – don’t worry, not a husband issue – he does probably 75% of our household dishes, this is me honestly being curious about the more common approach.)

    1. I’m not sure whats more common but in my family it’s more your approach. Holidays are less “X is hosting” and more “we are having it at X’s house, but its everyones holiday and everyone will help and probably be assigned something to bring”.

      1. DH’s family is “we are having it at X’s house and everyone brings a dish,” but for some reason I noticed that only my MIL, the host, was doing dishes until an aunt and I stepped up to clean up too. They do all paper plates and plastic forks – don’t get me started – so it’s serving dishes and utensils, of which there are a lot because there are nearly 50 people.

        1. Who has 50 place settings of china and flatware? Paper plates and plastic cutlery are kind of a necessity unless you want to rent dishes.

          4. I have 80 mildly decorative clear glass plates purchased on the cheap from Old Time Pottery for my brother’s wedding that I catered decades ago. It was cheaper than renting and I have gotten a lot of use out of them. I have multiple sets of silver plate flatware that I have acquired here and there at antique malls. Full sets are inexpensive since the current youth does not seem to want these things. I’ve paid less for a set than I would for a set of stainless flatware.

            I don’t make a lot of money, never have and never will. These things are not out of reach for normal people, it’s just a matter of whether you will use them and do you have space to store them.

          5. It’s definitely cheaper to own and store this stuff than to buy disposable every year… if you already pay for the space.

          6. I do. Mine, hubby’s, my mom’s… if you live a long time you accumulate this stuff.

            As to the main post, I like to do the dishes myself because I have a system.

        2. If you don’t like the paper plates and plastic forks, you should offer to bring 50 place settings, clean them, pack them, and bring them home with you after the party.

          1. I have dishware for around 30 people – and my open kitchen entertaining space is less than 250 sq feet. There is no way I can get more people into my space than I have plates.

      2. Both our parents are gone now, but in our own tradition with our adult kids, everyone pitches in to cook and to clean – but that’s only four people! My DIL and I made a beautiful Mushroom Wellington from the NYT (a two day process) and green beans the day before and my husband and son did the turkey and other sides day of. I’m a clean as you go freak and everyone helps out going along and then there is less to do after the meal. If we are at my husband’s brother’s house, same deal – many cooks, everyone cleans. Only drama is my husband is by far the better cook and his brother will wave him off and take shortcuts so the food is not as good! Gravy in particular is a battle of wills. But all very good natured.

    2. We are definitely in the latter category. I don’t want my husbands tipsy relatives endangering themselves!

    3. In our family, guests jump up to help with the dishes. Super rude not to do so after your host has fed you! Your husband was raised by animals.

      1. Ugh, no. An aunt of my husband’s wanted to help, and just made a mess. I know what is recycled or composted, and that my aged dishwasher is very finicky. If someone says don’t help, listen to them!

        1. I’m on the same page as you. The key is to offer to help clean. If the host declines, such is their right.

    4. Yeah our holidays have everyone but the host doing dishes. And, everyone is bringing at least one dish too.

    5. In my experience everyone offers to help clear/clean, but a lot of people might say no thank you because they have their own rinsing/stacking/dishwasher loading preferences/plan for what to clean first so they can reuse it, etc.

      1. Same here. I like that you offer, but please respect my “no, thanks.”

    6. My family tends to be like your husband’s family, but this is because my mother is a staunch, “guests do not do dishes at my house” person and I inherited that trait.

      1. Having said that, I think your extended family’s version is probably more common! People do jump up to offer to help do dishes at my house, I just beg them off.

      2. I personally have that attitude. When I host it makes me crazy when people go do dishes. I have a system for doing them and I want my guests to be guests.

        1. same! I’m happy for someone to sit at the counter and chat with me while I do dishes, though!

        2. YES! Plus, my china. . . so expensive to replace it if it’s dropped or scratched. I don’t mind damage in use, but not for something I’d rather do anyway. I also like to reset the house afterwards – meditative.

      3. I’ve observed that sometimes the guest obligation is for someone to keep company for the host as they do things in the kitchen (vs. actually interfering in the kitchen, which some hosts really do not want!).

    7. tbh both sides find it easier for a few people to help out at a time. The dining room and kitchen would be too chaotic otherwise. So a few people help clear the table while others linger and chat. For dishes, 1-2 people put leftovers in Tupperware while the host mans the sink (also that’s the person who knows what does or doesn’t go in the dishwasher, and that’s also the highest breakage risk with slippery hands). 1-2 people help to dry the non-dishwasher stuff. So it’s more like 6 people total are actively helping clean up?

      1. I’m in mod but this is our approach in a smaller NYC apartment/row house. There isn’t enough space to have more than 3 people max in a kitchen and that’s pushing it. My siblings and I split the cooking and our dad was always the dishwasher in his family and he’ll still happily step in.

    8. In our family it’s a space issue – we’re in NYC and even the single family houses have smaller kitchens. The guests all gather plates/cups/silverware and will scrape and stack but there simply isn’t room for more than 1-2 people to actually load the dishwasher/wash dishes. The guests all offer but often the hosting family is the one managing it because they know their own space best. We’re also moving to disposable plates/silverware at my older relatives homes if they host.

    9. In my family usually the host does dishes and guests help out. In DH’s family the guests do dishes and host helps out.

    10. My family takes your approach. However due to dietary restrictions I always bring all my own food to holidays and thus opt out of helping with clean up (since I didn’t make any of the mess, I just eat out of the dish I brought). But I certainly rustle some jimmies by not cleaning up other people’s mess

    11. Neither, we’ve always hired the family housecleaner to come do the dishes on holidays.

        1. I think that’s an unwarranted response. Presumably the housekeeper appreciates the chance to earn extra money or would decline the job.

          1. It is quaint you think these folks feel like they can say no to their employer, even when the employer asks things like taking them away from their own families over holidays. This is pretty out of touch with reality.

          2. 😬 the way this sub is so out of touch with the power dynamics of the ‘help’ is something else.

          3. And some people want a big holiday tip. I hope you’re equally scandalized on behalf of every retail employee working the holiday.

          4. Sorry you haven’t developed the skill of saying no yet, but most people do acquire it before they reach adulthood.

          5. It’s quaint you think we don’t actually talk to them. Ours has always been excited for the extra work and has asked if we need help proactively.

          7. Anon at 11:14, wasn’t there widespread backlash on this topic? Retailers were starting Black Friday deals in stores on Thanksgiving but have mostly stopped because it was so unpopular.

          8. I grew up broke, and nothing is more annoying than rich people assuming you don’t want the opportunity to earn money instead of just asking what you want.

          9. Right, this usually isn’t a nanny or daily housekeeper who feels like they can’t say no. I’ve only seen the job offered to a monthly cleaner or a random person recommended by a friend, someone who doesn’t come over on a daily basis and feels like they have to ask for the day off.

      2. I was thinking that I’ve embarrassed myself before offering to help do dishes that the hosts had 0% intention of doing at all (since a cleaner would be taking care of them the next day).

          1. Yeah, there’s a grand old tradition of treating servants poorly. It’s nicer than other old traditions like slavery, at least?

    12. I sometimes help wash dishes at my parents’ house because I grew up there and know where everything goes and how they do things, but usually people just clear dishes into the kitchen, putting plates and silverware into dishwasher, but no more than that. I generally don’t want people washing my dishes or getting in the way in the kitchen. There’s not a ton of room, so I have a system to make things work and don’t want people messing with it. Plus I’m one of those people who mostly cooks in advance or cleans as they cook, so there’s really not that much to clean later and I don’t think of it as being a big deal to make the host clean, you should just share cooking and hosting or other duties so that it balances out.

    13. people always help to carry stuff back to the kitchen. Not everyone, partially because some people are oblivious and also the kitchen is too small for more than two people. Dishes used to be delegated to the teenage children back in the day. Now usually someone helps loading the dishwasher but the hosting party does the hand washing.

    14. I was wondering the same thing. In my family the women (just women, don’t get me started) turn dishes into a five-person operation. It’s mostly theater because you only need one person washing and one person drying, but there’s pressure to stand around with a towel in your hand. At my in-laws the host and her mother handle dishes, and any offer to help is declined. When I host I don’t want a crowd packed into the kitchen- I’d rather get it over with quickly and quietly.

    15. My introverted husband hides in the kitchen doing dishes when we host. He will not accept any offers of help, nor will he ever suggest not using hand wash only plates such that his dishes time is over soon.

      2. +1 to introverts doing the dishes! Shhhhh don’t reveal our secrets, we’re really bummed out to be missing out on all the merriment… hold on this fork just needs a BIT more scrubbing… XD

    16. In my family, my mom would seethe if all the female relatives didn’t volunteer to help. In my husband’s, they seem to resist all attempts to help clean up and leave the food on the table so people can grab leftovers in their way out. Personally, I do the cleanup when dinner is over, but I also clean up during cooking so there’s barely anything to do. I consider it a happy medium between being a miserable person and giving everyone food poisoning.

    17. In my family, the guests are supposed to offer to help and everyone is supposed to bring in their plate, glasses, etc. Some people (my in-laws) can’t handle others actually washing the dishes in their house. I am OK with others drying but would really wash my own dishes because it’s a one-person-sized kitchen.

    18. growing up we would go to events hosted by my dad’s mother and my mom’s mother (both widowed). At dad’s mom’s house, the grandchildren (ages 3-20s) always did the clearing/basic cleanup. Then the aunts did the second round (the more tricky cleanup or things the kids weren’t trusted to do). Uncles did stuff like haul out all the trash, fold up tables/chairs, etc. Anyone grandmotherly age was handed a beverage and a baby to snuggle, if available.

      At my mom’s mom’s house, there weren’t very many grandkids. Everyone helped clear the table, the aunts and my grandma did most of the dishes, gossiped, etc, while the uncles and my grandpa (when alive) played with us grandkids.

      In both homes, the guests were always happy to help but you can’t fit that many bodies in the kitchen. In my mom’s mom’s house, she didn’t trust anyone with her china and silver so she did it.

    19. Wow, this is so interesting to me!

      Thank you for sharing… this is what I was thinking about as as I was doing dishes into Thursday night. It was also interesting because my oldest kid even commented on it. (Also… my kids are being taught to do it my side’s way.)

    20. At my mom’s house, my sister and I usually do all the dishes so that my mom isn’t left with a mess. We also bring our own contributions to the food and take our own serving dishes home with us.

      At my MIL’s house, my husband and I usually do the dishes so that my MIL isn’t left with a mess. I bring less food to this gathering because there are less people (my husband is an only child) and my MIL insists on cooking everything herself. I bring dessert.

      At my house, I usually wave people off because I don’t like other people doing dishes in my kitchen lol. My mom and my SIL sometimes insist anyway and I will let them help me. But I would never just let them do it themselves. I am probably a control freak…

    21. I do it myself, mainly because I use good china and crystal, and plated and sterling flatware. My mother’s philosophy was that no one else should have responsibility for handling fragile items, and also that if others cleared it was far too easy for a fork to end up in the garbage can. I’ve got a decent sized crowd and one dishwasher, so my post-dinner routine is once the guests are gone I start with dishwasher loads for stuff that can go in, and drying rack loads for hand washed items. In between cycles of that I sit on the sofa in pajamas and watch a movie with a nice drink and my feet on the ottoman. It usually takes about four cycles of washing and I find it sort of relaxing. You don’t have to tell me that’s weird. I already know!

  9. I may get 4-6 sets of China. I can get reasonable additional plates from Replacements. I was just thinking of dinner plates. Do I really also need a bread plate and salad plate? I usually just use a plate, even when I host; maybe a salad plate for dessert? What do you all do IRL? For Thanksgiving, our host relatives just used the China dinner plates and paper plates for various pies.

    1. i do think if you think you will ever use them it’s nice to have at least one set of the smaller plates (for salad, for dessert….) in real life i either use my smaller plates for dessert or use paper for dessert, depends on year and mood and who is in common and if i see an buy cute paper plates…

    2. I’ve never seen a mix of paper and china before. But anyways, I don’t think you need bread plates – feels to me like one of the last Victorian vestiges. I use my salad and dessert plates interchangeably and use them more than any other pieces because I do more heavy hors d’oeuvres entertaining than I do sit-down dinners. How do you see yourself entertaining?

    3. I use bread plates all the time as little snack plates. Salad plates can double as dessert plates.

    4. I use salad plates daily. I have bread plates, but don’t use them for bread. I serve dessert on either bread or salad plates.

    5. You’ll want dinner plates and salad plates. For the china sets I have without the latter, I’m always frustrated come dessert time!

    6. I have vintage plates from my grandma, with dinner plates, small plates, soup plates, dessert bowls and serving bowls and plates.

      I use the dinner plates and the small dessert bowls, and a few serving bowls. The other ones just stay in my cupboard.

  10. explain to me why teenagers and young adults only want cash or gift cards. i would buy my nieces and nephews and my boyfriend’s kids basically anything they wanted if they sent me a link and the item cost between 75-125 dollars. yet they all insist they want cash or gift cards…

    1. I’ll speak for myself – when I was putting myself through school, cash meant that I could treat myself to a coffee at school or in tighter times, buy a bit more at the grocery store. For that reason, if someone tells me they want cash, I will always listen.

      1. i hear you. all of these kids are not paying for school and have pretty generous spending money in addition.

    2. -Do they know that they can just send you a link?
      -Maybe they don’t know exactly what they want right this minute (imagining a teen girl knowing she wants new sweaters but not which ones, needs to try them on, etc.)
      -Maybe they don’t want you to know what they want or are worried about being judged for wanting a particular item, or an item at a particular price point
      -I think it’s also pretty normal, developmentally, for teens to be excited by simply having their own money

      1. Number two is a big part of it. I can afford to buy new sweaters or whatever when I find one I like midyear, so my holiday wishlist is mostly low stakes upgrades or consumables. A teen/young adult needs holiday money to make the purchase later on.

    3. Honestly because they get shot down by their parents when they want to send links or they want something more expensive than they can ask for.

    4. FWIW I have found that when I send links I get things that are close to what I want but not the exact thing, so it’s better to get gift cards.

        1. Really! Last year I tried asking for a very specific garlic press (solid steel so it could go in the dishwasher). I got a ‘better rated’ one with plastic handles which needs hand washing.

          1. There’s no way a garlic press can’t be machine washed because it has plastic handles…it isn’t made of wax!

          2. Ah. It would not have occurred to me that a dishwasher could get all the “stuff” out of my garlic press.

          4. And this is exactly why I ask from r gift cards, because lots of gift givers think they know better than the recipient what they want. I have a very high end dish washer with heating element which cleans wonderfully but deforms even ‘dishwasher safe’ plastic.

          5. I have to put the stainless one in a cup so the stuff softens up and rinses off easily. But then I put it through the dishwasher since “rinsed off” isn’t the same as clean really.

        2. yup, my mom has a penchant for going off script on very specific gift requests.

      2. Same. My inlaws ask for a list. I include links, but then they go off script and get something that seems similar but isn’t at all what I wanted. I don’t want to seem ungrateful but it’s pretty frustrating, especially because they would be very offended if I exchanged their gifts.

    5. I like GCs best because I can wait for my wish list items to go on sale and then get more for the same amount of $.

      1. Yep. The autonomy of having your own cash to buy stuff with by yourself is in and of itself valuable (and novel!) at this age.

    9. Because they want something that costs $500-$1,000 and want to pool all of their Christmas money to buy it rather than getting a bunch of less expensive things.

      Or because the young adults actually need cash for expenses.

      1. This was my thought as well. $125 is generous for a gift but I don’t want five $100 items I want one $500 item.

    10. Yeah cash is more flexible, but it wasn’t until I lived in another country (I’m assuming you are in US or similar) that I realized how much we use shopping as entertainment. So a gift card is the item+the shopping experience, which may include friends.

    11. The pool gift cards for higher cost items, they use the gift cards for things they’d be embarassed to ask for (groceries, toiletries, etc.), or they prefer shopping IRL with friends (this is why my teens asked for cash).

    12. They like the independence of having some extra spending money. My daughter recently started driving and she was SO happy/excited to go thrifting with a friend yesterday.

      1. This exactly. They do also like the ability to pool gift money for a larger item.

        Whatever you do, please do not give Visa gift cards! They are impossible to spend. If you are giving an Amazon or store gift card, know your audience.

    13. Because they already have SO MUCH STUFF and also because a lot of what they want is money to spend in the company of their friends. Also because they find joy in shopping. My teen daughter did create a wishlist but also would prefer to have $100 to browse the store with her friends.

    14. My kids are younger, but they don’t want physical gifts or gift cards. They’re happy to receive 0 gifts from aunts and uncles and just a few from their parents.

      I’m so happy that our family switched to everyone just gives gifts to their own kids. It’s less stressful than trying to figure out what to give to someone I see once or twice a year, it’s less “stuff” to manage to store and sort in my house (let alone the environmental impact of stuff that is given for the sake of giving something rather than because it’s a particular want/need), and it makes zero difference to kids who have plenty.

  11. If you’re in a position to make decisions about leave at your company and you offer a day or two of bereavement leave,
    please don’t police exactly which family members make the employee eligible to use it. That’s it.

    1. I don’t disagree in theory but the biggest jerk I worked with took off a week because a relative of his wife was having surgery (didn’t die and I am 1000% sure he would have done zero domestic labor). He was histrionically performative about things (vs silently doing anything of use).

    2. agree. a tipping point for me was when i told HR that i was leaving at 2 for a funeral and he “helpfully” asked me if a first degree relative had passed because then i would be eligible for bereavement time not personal time. I pointed out that it would be unlikely to have come to work for the morning of my mother’s/ husband’s/ child’s funeral. it was a reminder that he was a clod and that it was a nitpicky and annoying place to work. left soon after.

      1. I’m the boss who gives bereavement leave at the drop of a hat for your grandma’s ex boyfriends sisters sons nephew, and I think you’re being weird about this. You’re at BEC with this boss probably.

      2. I honestly think it’s worse to assume there are rules about what people will do when grieving? (please don’t judge someone who may have come to work in this scenario)

        1. i suppose this is kind of judging, but unless you are some super duper specialist where literally no one else can do your job, it does seem incredibly odd to me to go to work the morning of your child or spouse’s funeral.

          1. Sometimes people go to work because it is a distraction.

            I don’t think the boss thought that far. Just “funeral” -> “oh bereavement leave” -> “let me remind her of the policy”

          2. Sometimes routine is a lifeline. Beyond odd, grief can be strange and hard to predict.

        2. +1 I’ve gone through a meeting with a colleague whose wife killed herself the day before. I can’t credibly say we got anything done, but he was in that meeting because he needed it.

          1. I was back at work the day after my husband’s death, and went to work the day before his funeral. I wasn’t worth anything to the company but I needed the distraction. I needed the time after the funeral when I was absolutely exhausted. Everyone is different.

    3. There’s no easy way to slice it. I agree for first degree spouse or child situations, I probably would be e-mailing in from the hospital, not in person. Maybe not an older parent. Where I work in the SEUS, there is a two-pole distribution of people: everyone is local (so many 1-day absences for many local funerals, but these people probably see each other very frequently) or everyone lives 10-12 hours away and requires extensive time away (older parent dies and it’s easily a week that feels rushed, follows by several more leave blocks for helping other parent, maybe packing up a house). I feel like we know the abusers and no policy adequately captures that and is humane to the rest of us.

    4. totally agree – though honestly more should be offered for parents/spouse/sibling/kid

      1. Child especially. I don’t know how anyone can be expected to go back to work after 2-3 days in that situation.

        1. I assume the bereavement leave is a holdover until FMLA kicks in with a doctor certifying that the person needs time to recover.

      2. Seriously. Fix that first. Few people are in a position to come into work 2 or 3 days after a spouse or kid die, in particular.

      3. The hard part is that blood does not automatically equal “family”. I have a childhood friend that is like a sister to me. We’ve literally been friends for 25+ years, and we’ve been there for all major life milestones (and minor ones). She considers me to be her sister more than her actual, blood-related sister. When he husband passed away, it was like my BIL had passed away. When her mom passed away, it was like my aunt had passed away. I would take a similar amount of leave to support her for surgery, funeral, etc. as I would for my blood-related sister, and frankly, more than my blood-related grandparents.

        If someone is taking off other every week for bereavement, you need to address the performance issues, work getting dropped, etc. vs. trying to police whether the person is “family enough”. My company is big enough that we have access to longer, formal leave, and we have a 3rd-party who handles the paperwork. So if someone genuinely needs the leave, they can take it. I agree that someone is either very unlucky to need bereavement leave every month or they’re abusing the policy, but that’s the deeper issue, not “prove your childhood friend actually counts as your family”.

    5. OP here and it’s three days for immediate family only, 2 additional unpaid days “allowed.” If my husband or baby died, this company wouldn’t get me back at all, but especially not so with a policy like that.

      1. They have FMLA for that, don’t they? Sorry this is touching a nerve for you, but this kind of stuff needs to be written and applied. Otherwise you get everything you need but less beloved colleague might have different standards applied to them with the same scenario.

        1. FMLA is for caregiving not grieving. So if you had a child or spouse with cancer you could use it while they’re going through treatment and you need time away from work to care for them. But if they pass, there’s not really any way to use it for bereavement. Plus it’s unpaid. I think employers could offer more than 2-3 paid days for the death of someone so close.

  12. What service do people like for getting prescription medication delivered? Eg BCP, etc. I am still going to the pharmacy to pick up, and I feel like in 2025 there must be a better way… I have Cigna insurance if that’s relevant. Thank you!

      2. I would do this if it was an option in my area since independents often have better service than the giant companies. Instead, I go with the mail order pharmacy my insurance company promotes. It’s not a good experience, but I prefer it to my local chains. There’s no independent convenient to my house.

    3. Even Walgreens and CVS deliver for free now. With some insurance I’ve had in the past, mail order was required for ongoing prescriptions like BCP. You may want to check the details of your plan and what PBM they use.

    4. Cigna probably has a designated mail order pharmacy. Log in to your insurance portal and see.

    5. Beware shipping services don’t provide temperature control and that can effect the effectiveness of medication.

    6. Amazon Pharmacy. I can’t think of a company that has logistics better completely nailed. It’s so easy.

  13. How can I mini-recharge? My job is extremely stressful, as in it gives me literal hives, my hair is falling out, and I feel like I’m failing every week. I’ve been here a year and a half, and it’s nothing like I expected, even down to a leadership change that profoundly impacts me.

    I also have a baby, so it’s not like I can book a weekend away at a spa. Even a few hours away is hard, and my husband doesn’t want us to hire a babysitter, which is a different matter.

    I’m job searching but really need some self-care stat.

    1. Why can’t your husband watch the baby while you go away for a solo spa weekend? Or even 24 hours at a local hotel with spa treatments? You could always return the favor at a later time.

    2. Can you get a weekend at the spa with your husband there to take the baby? And work on that. . .he’s trapping you if he doesn’t step up with an alternative to you caring for your kids (I’ve seen this happen before with a SIL. It was awful).

    3. If your husband doesn’t want to hire a babysitter, can he BE the babysitter while you take some time to yourself? Please make it happen if you can. We all need/deserve some downtime.

    4. are you exclusively breastfeeding? if your husband won’t let you hire a sitter sounds like daddy’s up to bat.

    5. If your husband doesn’t believe in babysitters then he needs to watch the baby himself for an afternoon while you go to the spa.

    6. If you are under that level of stress your husband doesn’t get a vote here. Book a babysitter and he can decide if he comes with you or stays home but you pay her regardless.

      2. Another +1. Your physical health is deteriorating. Your husband doesn’t get to veto a babysitter.

        If you have a baby I’m guessing you had to stick with this company so you could get maternity leave or were too far along in your pregnancy to job hunt once you realized how bad things were. I just want to say I’m sorry you’re in this position- it’s unfair that women of childbearing age are constrained like this. Get a sitter so you can recharge outside the house then spend time job hunting.

    7. Can you see your doctor? A lot of stress resilience is physical and it sounds like your body is telling you it doesn’t have everything it needs right now (if you’re not still on prenatals, that could be something to ask about; babies are nutrition sponges).

      If your husband won’t hire a babysitter, will he at least watch the baby while you soak in a tub or whatever sounds better to you?

      1. +1 It’s time to see a doctor. Get a full blood workup and ask to be screened for PPD.

      2. This sounds better. Get some good bath salts and spend the next 5 days in a row taking a bath and going to sleep as early as you can. Also see if you can get a good hair cut, if only for your self-image.

        Spa suggestions are so weird. I don’t want to drive somewhere, pay a lot of money, and then follow lots of different rules to “relax.” Sounds like a stressful money pit to me.

        1. Some of this is hard to do, especially if you are nursing, e.g. being in the same house with a tiny baby means that you have to feed it every couple of hours, and can hear it crying and may get asked to help if the husband has trouble soothing the baby. Small babies tend to get fussy in the evening and go to sleep at unpredictable times. If you are out of the house, you may have to pump, but can at least turn off the baby-monitoring part of your brain for a bit. And finding babysitters you trust with a newborn is easier said than done.

          OP, if you can book a night alone in a hotel for uninterrupted sleep while your husband takes care of the baby, that might be a good compromise. But I agree that he either needs to take something off your plate or agree to outsourcing – something has to give here!

    9. I hear something in this post that maybe was not in the front of your mind. I sounds like your spouse is not giving you the support you need. I recommend you sit down with him, express how you are feeling, and articulate what you need. At a minimum, that sounds like a babysitter, but I suspect there may be other things he can do to support you while you are feeling this way. And if he is not inclined to support you during this time, counseling for the two of you may be a great option.

    10. I was in this same situation two years ago. Came back from mat leave to new horrible management, had so much stress my body just started giving out. Because I could not sit for hours without agonizing pain, I asked my midwife for a pelvic floor PT referral. I told the PT that I have no chance to find time for home exercise and she prescribed appt every day for three weeks, then reduced. She was honestly a lifesaver for doing this. PT was only open during business hours so there was literally no way I could go without some sort of a deal with work. I filed for an accommodation to take unpaid 1.5 hours per day as lunch, which was approved. It was pretty open-ended and I don’t know that they even asked for backup. I went straight the accommodation with HR route because my boss is a POS and would have tried to reduce the time needed any way possible. This way it was in writing and he approved. At that point I just started booking 1.5 hours/day for appointments, whether I had one or not. It gave me time to pump and eat which I never would have gotten otherwise. And scream in the car. I made up the hours in the evening after bedtime. As time went on and I dropped bf and my pelvis was getting better, I used that time for pilates and eventually for finding a babysitter. It was so freaking hard finding a babysitter that didn’t flake. I now have one every weekend for about 4 hours and have two who are reliable. Work still sucks but is mostly tolerable. I eventually dropped the accommodation (about a year later) but since I established a good pattern with being unavailable for some small amount of time during the day but getting things done, I get to take a lunch most days. This was much better than a spa weekend. You need systemic changes. And obv if your hair is falling out you need a blood panel to see what is going on.

    11. I’m sorry you’re in such a rough period! When I was in a similar situation (maybe not quite as extreme), I made a note in my iPhone called “Relax” and it had a handful of little cues for me to do achievable things. E.g., Step outside. Touch the sky, touch the toes. 20 minute nap. Bath. Read [a physical book]. Say [literally out loud] “I deserve to be healthy.” Rub my ears [look up auricular massage–there’s a pressure point by your ear that when rubbed can help calm your stress response].

      Also, do something moderate that isn’t a few hours but will give some short-term relief. A one-hour soothing yoga. A 30 minute massage. Have a friend come over for coffee and chat and then watch the baby while you take an hour nap.

      Having a young baby is rough, add in the new marital dynamics from a baby and a job change, and it’s no wonder you’re burnt out! You, your baby, and your marriage deserve a healthy you, so if you need to shave a few minutes from work here and there–do it. Obviously easier said than done logistically, but step one is ignoring any guilt about it. Work will never care about you as much as your kid, spouse, or you ought to care about yourself.

    12. Take naps when you can. Even 20 minutes can help.

      Call a good friend or family member on a break (maybe go for a walk outside) and just be honest about your struggles.

      If it appeals, go to church and listen to an inspiring message and beautiful music while the nursery there holds your baby and you can relax. (That’s what I did when my spouse was less than helpful and I needed to get through.)

      Focus 70% of your effort on what you can control. Limit your efforts (30%) on what you can only influence. Don’t expect yourself to move mountains.

      Take showers. Stretch your body. Positive self-talk.

    14. Very late, but can you go to church? Drop the baby off at childcare, then go for a long walk, or sit at the cafe and drink a cup of coffee. You don’t have to go to service. We were churchgoers anyway but my mother survived raising multiple littles this way.

    15. Let me tell you the quickest way to get a man like that to participate is to divorce them.

      My ex husband was also the type to say i couldn’t hire childcare. They also didn’t step up to care for their children. The minute I started divorce proceedings he insisted on 50/50! Have at it!!!!

  14. Just whining into the void. Can everyone who is sending follow up emails about non-urgent things they asked me to review at 4:00 pm last Tuesday please just stop? Just stop, I will get to you, get in line.

    1. Eh, I think that’s actually pretty fair. Many people worked both Wednesday and Friday and to not receive a response from a week ago warrants a check-in email.

      1. 4 pm Tuesday isn’t a week ago. I’m a lawyer, many people are not working Wednesday (or are taking a half day) and Friday was, for many people including myself, an actual holiday they got off work.

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