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Updated: Jun 6, 2024 288 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Linen-Cotton Blend City Skirt

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman wearing a pink-and-white striped top, a pink skirt, and white sneakers

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve had various versions of this skirt in my closet for years, and I’ve always loved the versatility. For weekends, I’m wearing it with a comfy tank top or tee, but for the office, it looks great with an oxford shirt or short-sleeved sweater. The photos make it look a little on the shorter side, but I find it hits just above the knee for me. 

The skirt is $39.50 at J.Crew Factory (15% off with code at checkout) and comes in sizes 0–24. In addition to the pictured “vivid fuchsia,” it also comes in green, ivory, and black. 

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

      • Anon

        Not great at all. These waists are not forgiving on my body type. It creates a muffin top where a smooth line should be. Jcrew has rolled these out for years and they just don’t work on a lot of body types.

        • anon

          But they work on others.

          Don’t we all know by now that most clothing doesn’t “fit” most people? You have to find the right cut / proportions that work for you, and still many things require altering. But of course that is not affordable, so we use more forgiving cuts/shapes/tricks.

          If you want to post to just complain about an item, at least post something useful, like…. “I’m Apple shaped…. short waisted….(whatever)… so this wont work for me because…… I think they work best for…..”

        • Anon

          I think it’s more pushing against the rudeness with which the “it’s ugly” comments are being delivered.

          • Anonymous

            What’s rude is that companies expect us to buy this garbage and have stopped making real clothes in real sizes. Elastic-waist skirts and pants in XS through XXL are cheaper to manufacture and distribute than skirts and pants with real waists and zippers in numbered sizes with talls and petites.

          • Anon

            People call pieces featured her ugly pretty frequently. I’m surprised there’s so much pushback today.

          • Anon

            It’s a fashion blog. You didn’t make the skirt so we are not insulting you. Grow a thicker skin.

          • Anon

            It’s fun that I theorized about why some people might be defending this skirt (I.e., unnecessarily rude comments) only to get responses that are more rude comments.

            In case any of you think that I fear for the skirt’s feelings, you aren’t that clever. I think you know that if a person expresses liking a garment and someone responds with a rude way of saying they dislike, then it often feels to the original person as if the responder is saying they have bad taste. I hope that explanation helps!

            To head off a certain type of response— I am agnostic on this skirt. I’m sure it looks good on some and less good on others. To each their own!

    • Anon

      There’s a picture of me in this skirt + pink striped shirt from when I was six.

    • Anon

      I don’t like this skirt but own a similar one and wore it recently and was showered in compliments. It does not flatter me, but I guess it’s in style.

    • Anon

      Here’s my attempt to provide helpful feedback on this pick! I am a petite square/pear — I think I’ve got the terminology down correctly — my waist and boobs are slimmer than my thighs — and I’m short. I have this skirt in green, and I have worn this skirt once a week for the last month — I wear it with a black cowl neck top or sleeveless top with a V (one is from JCrew factory and the other is from BN factory). I tuck the tops in. I wear it with black espadrilles or black/brown sandals. I am WFH, so have few occasions to dress up, but have worn this outfit to several of the 8,000 end of school year activities in my muggy, hot state. I feel more put together than shorts and a t-shirt, which I tend to look slubby in given that my thighs are typically not the part of my body I like to highlight in an outfit, and I feel like this boxier skirt with a slim tucked in shirt flatters my favorite part of my body (my upper chest and arms). If I wear it with espadrilles, I feel like it lengthens my legs, and highlights my lower legs, which I also like. It’s also so comfortable for sitting on metal gym chairs or being outside. I’m not going to wear this to a fashion show, but I look as put together as the other parents I see at these events in my suburban school district.

      • anon

        In case it helps anyone, I am pear shaped and carry all my weight in my hips and thighs. However, I currently have a bit of a belly due to peri and the elastic waist is great for whatever hormonal fluctuations are happening. I wear it with shells and pretty tops. I own it in pink and the khaki color.

        If pencil skirts generally work well for you, this skirt probably won’t. But it’s an A-line godsend for some of us.

        • Anon

          Maybe this is the difference. I’m also somewhat pear-shaped but I only wear pencil skirts. A-line does something unforgivable to my hips!

  2. Anon

    I love skirts like this for the summer. Cooler than shorts, easier to manage in scurvy park bathrooms/portapots, can dress it up or down, packs small for weekend get a ways.

    • Anon

      I never quite know how to make the elastic waist work without making me feel like it creates a “shelf” of fabric below it. What do you wear with this skirt, and how?

      • Anon

        No, I know what you mean. There’s extra fabric below the waist above the fullest part of the hip. That’s not a “muffin top” per an earlier poster. A muffin top is a roll of squishy flesh above a tight waistband. But the shelf of fabric is a feature of elastic waist skirts and dresses. It works somewhat better when the shape of the skirt isn’t trying to be a straight skirt – when it’s a fuller skirt all the way down that isn’t trying to be anywhere close to fitted in the hips.

        • Anon

          Yes, that’s exactly what I meant — the puff of fabric below the elastic creates a weird visual, at least on me.

          • Anon

            Cheap clothing usually looks cheap!

            Skirts with waist to hip shaping like darts and curved seams are more expensive to make.

            An elastic waist skirt is just not going to look as flattering as a skirt that has more shaping/fit.

  3. Anonymous

    Where are we shopping for non-boring tops for summer? I’m looking for short sleeves, natural fibers, not super oversized, NOT SHEER, no weird cut-outs, and something other than solid black/white/tan/olive green. I’m 40 and realize I’m just not that into what seems to be currently in style, but everything else just seems so boring.

  4. For Lily / House Manager

    I saw your question too late yesterday, but wanted to comment that we have a house manager for 20 hours per week at $45/hour. We live in a big city but not a VHCOL one (not SF/NY/Boston). Our house manager has a mix of regular tasks she does every week (preps and labels meals in containers that just need reheating; laundry; make bed/light tidying/empty dishwasher; returns) and tasks that are on a list my husband and I maintain that she takes off our plate. The best thing about our house manager is that she’s like an extension of my husband or myself in a way that someone doing taskrabbit tasks wouldn’t be – she really knows our household and is able to take things off our plate pretty easily. So, she manages routine and non-routine vendor tasks (yearly window-washing, dryer clean-out, issue with stove); sets up our house for guests and re-sets afterwards; and knows our kids so is able to step in if there’s an emergency pickup/dropoff needed. She makes her own hours but is over about 2-3x/week, since some of her tasks are remote. It’s a huge investment but it’s been an enormous help – more than I thought! We found her through word of mouth, though had talked to one or two agencies before we found her.

    • Senior Attorney

      OMG that sounds amazing, especially “set for guests and re-sets after.”

    • Anon

      I always wonder, and genuinely curious (because I can’t imagine my own life having the right circumstances for this type of home help. If I lived my dream career of rich widow in a manor I’d have all the house and estate managers lol) – what about your life makes you need a third adult to help manage it??
      Is it two big/busy jobs plus 3 kids with varied schedules? What keeps you busy besides work and kids and general life? Is your house that big/complex? Do you host a ton? or travel a ton? Bounce between your main house and a 2nd house? Balancing elder or other care responsibilities?

      Mostly I don’t have a big deal job, kids, or a complex schedule…and anything more than occasional babysitters was far beyond anything I saw or experienced in my social circles.

      • Anon

        I’m single, no dependents but for two small dogs, of middling income, and have a house and a condo about two hours apart, and after that post I am considering whether my budget can be legitimately fiddled to accommodate a very part time version of this, and whether anyone would even take me as a client for about eight hours a week. I would ditch the tedious time-sucks such as changing out bed and bath linens and laundering of same, dry cleaners and pharmacy runs, meeting repairmen, basic, light food prep such as salad or rice bowl ingredients, the detailed polishing of some of my furniture that isn’t covered by the cleaner, etc.

      • Anon

        I think some people get overwhelmed by this type of work in their own house. I can barely be bothered to do the bare minimum of chores where I live, but when I’m anywhere else, like my sister’s house or my partner’s house, I’m happy to pick up that slack. For some people it’s harder to handle their own stuff, so they don’t.

        • Anon

          For me, once I put it on my plate, then I can essentially never relax. Instead of having any place to retreat and relax, it’s just another workplace with a pile of to-dos that I want to get away from… and I feel so burdened I can’t even sleep at night. Maybe there’s another solution to that, but paying someone else to make it be their problem is one solution. Everyone in my household has unmedicated ADHD right now, so “overwhelmed” happens easily!

      • For Lily / House Manager

        I’m the OP of this post. Two full-time biglaw equity partners, one of whom travels about 50% of the time, and two toddlers. Big house since there’s some WFH (so two offices) and we’re far from family so like having room for guests. Life is hectic but we both actually really like our jobs, so decided it was worth it to invest in the help and continue our work rather than have one of us take a different position. We have very minor hobbies although since getting the house manager I’ve been able to work out every day which is a win!

  5. Anonymous

    I’ll be in Vegas for an entire week later this month. I’m not a gambler or a heavy drinker. I’m staying slightly off strip at a run of the mill national hotel chain. (<.4 walk to the strip) Daytime only – events and meetings at the Sphere and at the Westgate hotel. Been to Vegas once but pre pandemic and just for one night. Any good and safe spots for a single woman to eat, enjoy sights, etc.? Would it be weird to go to a show alone? If it matters, I plan to walk and use Uber.

    • Anon

      I did this last year, and the distances were a little deceptive because of how the interstate cuts through.
      I bought a multi day transit pass and used it to get where I needed to go. Nowhere felt unsafe and I had no problem just doing my thing.

      • Anon

        Agree that distances are deceptive in Vegas. It’s also so hot that your normal 4/10 of a mile feels like a SLOG

        • Anon

          Walking to somewhere right next door can be half an hour. Dont even try to cross some streets. Long walk to the skywalk over some.

    • Anonymous

      Lotus of Siam if you like Thai food (this is off the strip, so it may be close to wheee you’re actually staying).

      I always recommend Buchon for brunch if it fits with your schedule

      I’ve always felt safe in Vegas as a woman, but I’m also not getting blackout drunk, am keeping my wits about me and haven’t stayed out past midnight in years and years. So, I think unless you plan to night club all night or day party all day, then you will be just fine. No specific show recommendations, but I haven’t been to the sphere, and if I had an upcoming trip going to a show there would be on my list.

    • emeralds

      Not a Vegas expert, but I’ve gone to some big shows and concerts by myself in other locations, and haven’t found it awkward at all. Have fun!

    • LA Law

      You will be perfectly safe in any of the casinos on the Strip as long as you follow the most basic of precautions (not getting drunk and going upstairs with a stranger, etc.). Their security is top-notch. You are generally safe on the Strip itself, although the far ends can get sketchy late at night. But that tends to be unpleasant rather than dangerous. Use Yelp to find food. Vegas is crawling with good restaurants and they are basically all safe. And they are used to single people because they get so much convention traffic. Same for going to a show. If you see one you like, then don’t let being alone stop you.

      If you catch Tacos al Gordo without a line out the door, go. Hell’s Kitchen is one of my favorites and reservations are hard to get but you might be able to sit at the bar.

      Final note: It is going to be very, very hot. Drink a lot of water and keep the temperature in mind when planning your outside activities. Check out the Conservatory and Fountains at the Bellagio and just enjoy the parade of humanity.

        • Senior Attorney

          Note that in Vegas you can’t hail a cab on the street like you would in, say, New York. You have to get them at a cab stand (mostly at a hotel).

    • Senior Attorney

      I keep pushing this, but I loved Paranormal at the Horseshoe. It’s a mindreading show in a very small venue and it will blow your mind if you like that kind of thing. No need to get the expensive tickets because it’s a tiny venue and all the seats are great.

      The lobby bar in New York New York is a great place to sit and people watch. Any of the Cirque du Soleil shows are amazing and highly recommended.

      As others have said, as long as you keep your wits about you, you should be safe and have a great time!

    • Anon.

      I was just there for a conference in April. No way would I walk from an off-strip hotel because it is one of those cities where the wrong turn could be dangerous. Going to shows alone would be perfect! Also, I never gambled before but I played 3 card stud at the 10 dollar minium table until I lost 100 bucks. Just being around the people at the table was really fun. I don’t drink at all.

  6. Anonymous

    Ideas for a small housewarming gift for a friend?

    They’re an early 40s couple, two small kids. They’ve done city living in DC for decades and really put of home buying but finally bought now in the suburbs because their first child starts K in fall. Two lawyers – neither biglaw. While they can clearly afford it and planned for it, my friend is having cold feet regarding cost etc so I just want to get her a little something to celebrate.

    The wrinkle – it can’t be something huge or heavy because I’d give it to her at work so she has to take it home. IDK if they’ll do a housewarming as she is very covid cautious as am I. I like the idea of something personalized but problem is they have different last names and don’t refer to themselves as the Smith Jones family. I do have the address in case anyone suggests something with that. FWIW she’s Chinese American though he isn’t so something thought of well in Asian culture could work though isn’t necessary. Only thing I don’t want to do is alcohol of any type as I’m of a faith that doesn’t drink so I don’t feel great purchasing it even for anyone else. Budget is 50-100.

    • anon

      This is the perfect occasion for a fancy candle. If that is not your vibe, give them a home depot gift card with a note about how you hope they are enjoying the burbs and to have a trip to home depot on you, whether its for a new garage broom or some flowers for the porch. The exercise here is really that you got them something, not that it is the perfect something.

    • Anonymous

      Home Depot gift certificate? A new house always has a long list of things to fix.

    • Anon

      My go-to small housewarming gift is a custom return address stamp from Paperwink. I usually leave the names off and just include the address.

    • No Problem

      A coworker gave me a rubber stamp with my return address (and an ink pad!) when I bought my house. Mine does have my name on it, but you could probably do just the address, or just first names plus address. Another option would be a gift card to somewhere like Home Depot or even Wayfair/Amazon/Target – it’s easy to spend lots of money on home improvement and decor in your first few months in a new house. I would also never turn down a set of white or neutral dish towels or a house plant (though I would likely kill it).

    • Anonymous

      A nice plant or a gift card to a local nursery.

      –42 year old with kids in the suburbs.

    • Anon

      Sincere question: are people still covid cautious? I’ve heard this a couple of times on this board recently but pretty much zero mentions of it IRL so I am wondering what I’m missing.

      • Anon

        Very very very few from what I’ve observed. I find it really sad, frankly. It’s no way to live.

        • Anonymous

          Thank you for your judgment but personally I didn’t ask for a heart condition. I’m sure no one masking asked for whatever situation they have. But you go girl and celebrate your happy life.

          • Anon

            What did you do before 2020? That’s the part that’s just confounding. Do you want to spend your precious time inside for the rest of your life? Everything has risks, and yes, even with health conditions.

          • Anonymous

            Not that I need to justify myself to you but even before 2020, I only traveled off season when airports and planes wouldn’t be packed. I avoided events with young daycare age kids. I didn’t go to Target or grocery stories on weekends when they’re packed or I’d time it to go during dinner hour or at night when emptier. You just think no one did those things because we don’t advertise it to people like you who brush it off with – eh life has risks.

        • Anon

          This is an opinion you need to keep to yourself. You don’t know what anyone else’s health situation is. Live your own life and let other people live theirs as they see fit.

        • Anon

          Using up all my time off work on sick days was sad too. I haven’t gotten a contagious infection since 2019. I just wish I had known how well precautions work before!

          • Anon

            I was/am a COVID cautious person due to my autoimmune disease & taking immune suppressants. I’ve subsequently worked with my rheumatologist to take a less immune suppressing drug to manage it so that I can be less cautious. So I’m still a person who masks in doctors offices and airports and other crowded places, but I let my guard down a bit.

            Let me tell you, I did NOT miss getting regular viruses! I am just getting over some sort of non-COVID cold, and it settled in my sinuses and lungs and I’m on antibiotics now. Bring back the masks! At least for me. Getting sick sucks.

        • Anonymous

          You know what’s no way to live? Being sick literally all the time, which was my life before March of 2020. I will gladly endure your judgment and the inconvenience of wearing a mask for health and quality of life.

        • Anon

          My immune compromised friend got it for the first time a few weeks ago and spent 3 weeks in the hospital. She is in her late 30s. Maybe it’s “no way to live” according to you, but I’m glad she’s alive (and doing much much better).

          • Anon

            I’m so sorry. Hope she’s doing better now.

            My anti mask, somewhat anti vax, sister has long COVID now. Certainly changed her tune on the whole thing, though she is somehow still blaming Dr. Fauci for it.

      • anon

        Most are not, obvi. I am because of health issues. Still mask in crowded situations with strangers, going to the doctors, flights.

      • Anonymous

        OP here – can’t speak for everyone but I am. As in I mask indoors everywhere including office, don’t indoor dine, haven’t traveled. This friend is the same but obviously will have to give as her child goes to school. But for that reason I can’t see her having a housewarming unless it was entirely outdoors but entirely outdoor parties can be hard to pull off here in the summer. It’ll be 95 degrees so you know people will just go in for AC or if you somehow get a nice day, it’ll storm out of nowhere also bringing people in. IRL though she is my only friend left in DC that’s like this – we both have our reasons. And I have one similar friend in NYC who got Covid in 2020 when it was super scary and has had a lot of after affects so she avoids getting it again and even masks around her parents when visiting.

        • Anon

          Interesting! I wasn’t sure if this was a new thing caused by a wave I wasn’t aware of or just continuing precautions. I haven’t seen anyone masked anywhere for a very very long time so I had kinda forgotten there are still people doing it. And obviosuly if they’re staying home I wouldn’t know that. Thanks.

          • Anon

            Actually I was wondering if I had missed some reason I should also resume masking. She offered up the fact that she was cautious so I don’t think she’s sensitive about it.

          • Anon

            If I was trolling, I would be one of the people being rude about it. Which I’m not. I just wanted to know if I hadn’t considered something that would change my own actions. I don’t have health conditions but I have elderly parents and was generally pretty carful during covid. You don’t have to automatically assume the absolute worst intentions.

      • Anon

        Sure, some people are. I think it varies a lot – some ppl mean something more like: “I wear a mask at the airport”; and some people really do mean “I’ve given up most optional indoor stuff”. Second group obviously much smaller though. And realistically – a lot of people in the second group are going to be more isolated, and have smaller social circles – so you’re less likely to know folks in that group.

      • Anon

        Of course they are! My elderly parents both have autoimmune diseases and take immunosuppressive drugs so they’re both more vulnerable to Covid and have health conditions that could be worsened by any infection. They still mask indoors in public spaces. They have several friends with cancer going through chemo right now, same deal.

        I’m not as cautious, but I also have a chronic illness that I’m somewhat concerned about worsening, plus I have asthma and always get terrible post viral coughs with any respiratory infection, so I’ve always tried hard to avoid them. Add in not wanting to infect my parents and their doctor’s, and I’d call myself Covid cautious, though not to the same extent as people with more serious conditions. I WFH and have never been a big fan of busy crowded places, so it’s not too much of a loss to avoid most high risk environments most of the time and wear a mask in places like airports or doctor’s offices.

        • Anon

          I meant not infect my parents and their friends, not their doctors. If AI is going to take over the world, can’t it at least get autocorrect on my phone right first?

      • Anon

        Yes. Not much has changed for some risk cohorts, so recommendations about precautions haven’t changed either.

        • Anon

          I think they’re more worried about immune effects than an actual oncogenic process (both increased inflammation and also depleted CD4 and CD8 T cells). Even if the immune effects are temporary, repeated infections mean repeated periods of dysregulated immunity, which could also be opportunities for a process already taking place to get out of hand. That’s one of the types of COVID risk that people sometimes overlook (that the infection itself will be no big deal, but a pre-existing issue will get much, much worse).

          • Anon

            I agree. That’s certainly my major concern with Covid, as someone who already has a chronic health condition.

      • Anonymous

        My MIL was told to mask when travelling before Covid. She has congestive heart failure and any strain on her circulatory system is bad news. I think there are plenty of people with health issues that make them cautious of infection. Post-2020 we call them Covid cautious instead of just cautious.

        • Anon

          It’s true there have always been people who have to avoid infections. Avoiding COVID is also harder though; it’s more like avoiding measles in a measles outbreak than like avoiding flu during flu season.

      • Anon

        I think the responses on this thread are a good illustration of why people who are most decidedly not covid cautious hear so little about it IRL… I certainly wouldn’t mention being cautious to someone giving off this kind of vibe. I would just find a polite way to decline their invitation or avoid interacting with them in poorly ventilated places. I’m pretty sure not hurting anyone by being careful, and I find the way people who decided to not/no longer do that feel entitled to push their opinions on me endlessly fascinating.

    • pink nails

      This is a know-you-recipient idea, but my current favorite idea for housewarming gift is a birdfeeder. A nice one would be in your price range. It is of course not for everyone, however it’s a fun thing that you can start doing once you have a yard in the suburbs. And personally I can always use another bird feeder (although I live in the woods :)).

    • Senior Attorney

      You can get personalized cutting boards on Etsy. I got one as a wedding gift and loved it, and have given one as a housewarming gift and it was well received.

  7. Anon for this

    Has anyone left a position within a year of starting, not because there is anything wrong with the position, but because they were offered a unicorn type job that it would be nuts to turn down? This is all within the same industry so I am loathe to burn bridges but I am a finalist in a unicorn type job that opened on the client side. If I get an offer, I’d leave my current firm after only 7 months. New job is a terminal type job – people tend to stay in these roles for 20+ years, and it’s what I’ve been working toward within my career. There’s no way I would turn it down if offered but I have such guilt over leaving a wonderful place where I’ve really enjoyed working. Anyway. Good problems to have but just wondering if anyone has advice or commiseration.

    • Anon

      You should definitely do it if offered. The guilt will pass and it’s always good to remember that your job isn’t loyal to you either – they’d can you within a year if it made sense for the company. I’d take the new job and say “ I enjoyed working here so much and I originally thought I would be here for years. However, my dream opportunity came up that I can’t refuse.”

      • Anon

        Exactly. And if it’s in the same industry, they should understand what a unicorn role this is.

        Give them adequate notice and work your butt off to transition work during that period. That’s how to handle guilt for leaving a good job.

    • Anon

      Yes, this happened to me earlier this year! I was at my firm (a high profile bank) for 8 months when I was offered my dream position at the U.S. Treasury. Same industry with lots of the same people mixing in and out so I didn’t want to burn bridges either. When I told my managers I was leaving, and told them where I was going, they were excited for me and agreed that I could not turn the position down. If you know this is a unicorn job, then your superiors will recognize that too and will hopefully be gracious about it.

      • Anon for this

        So glad you had a good experience! I think everyone will be really understanding (if this goes through) – but I’m such a people pleaser that it’s hard to not anticipate the guilt.

    • Anon

      The nice thing is when you go from service provider side to the client side, your old employer has to be nice to you because now you’re a prospect.

      Take the job!

    • Anon

      Take it. This is the kind of thing you get to do sparingly, and in the right circumstances, which you describe.

    • Ses

      It sounds like you’re already planning to take it if offered, but just need help getting your head around guilt.
      I can say that over many years I’ve had two employees leave my team this quickly for reasons like this and was happy for both of them. I think if you’re a manager whose head is in the right place, you don’t begrudge happy accidents like this.
      Best of luck to you!

  8. OP

    Recommendations for places to stay and things to do in/around Charleston and Myrtle beach area? We are flying into Charleston first week of August, plan to stay there a few days and then drive up to Myrtle beach. We’ve never been to this part of the country and this is a kind of a last minute plan so we have no idea what to do or see! Family of four, 8 year old and 4 year old. Thanks for any advice!

    • Anon

      I grew up in NC and we would visit Myrtle and Charleston quite often. There is a great Italian restaurant in Myrtle Beach called Angelo’s. There is also a darling little Christmas store near there open year round called Christmas Mouse. I know it sounds random to visit a Christmas store in August, but trust me, it’s a great store and is considered a regional attraction. We would also often play mini golf which may be fun with the kids – we went to Cancun Lagoon and Captain Hook’s.

      For Charleston, they have cool mini cruises that you can take around the water with a captain who talks about the historical sites you are passing. I did a sunset cruise last year and it was gorgeous. There was a full bar but it was suitable for kids too. Get there EARLY so you can get a good seat. Charleston City Market is also great – it’s an indoor/outdoor market with homemade jewelry, trinkets, home decor, etc. Definitely visit Waterfront Park (the pineapple fountain). Fort Sumter National Monument may be of interest to you if you’re into history. There is also the South Carolina aquarium. Have fun!

    • Anon

      Are you by any chance coming from a tropical jungle? Because that’s the only way you’ll want to do Charleston in August with small children. I’d change your plans to do one day of sight-seeing (horse drawn carriage to minimize sweaty meltdowns, plus maybe the USS Yorktown) in Charleston and spend the rest of the time at the beach. Come back and do Charleston as a romantic weekend in the winter, spring, or fall when the grandparents can watch the kids. Charleston is all about the history and the food, so it’s not really a kid city the way some others are.

      PS – when you do come back, the tea plantation is really super interesting

      • Anon

        Haha not OP but a native Californian who once visited South Carolina in August. All I can say is that you’re right!

      • Anon

        I agree with this. Maximize your time at the beach! For a hotel, we like Charleston Place for a stay with kids in Charleston.

      • OP

        Ha, why yes I am! I’m coming from the deep south. We love the heat, even in all its sweatiness! Charleston weather will be welcome! :)

    • Anon

      Atalaya and Longwood Gardens (the second especially if you are a Hamilton fan). Swamp tour there on a boat is great — captures the horrors of being enslaved on a rice plantation well.

      Ripkeys Aquarium in Myrtle isn’t bad to have something inside and cool. Also a movie.

      Charleston had a lot more.

    • Anon

      Read Erik Larson’s new book on the beginning of the Civil War, set largely around Charleston, and then go visit Fort Sumter. If you like nature, go to Huntington Beach State Park in Murrells Inlet (between Charleston and Myrtle Beach) There are alligators, lots of birds, marsh, beach, etc. And I agree with the posters above that I hope you’re coming from somewhere else hot and humid, or you’ll be miserable trying to do too much.

    • Anonymous

      The Charleston aquarium would be fun for kids. Personally I’d skip Myrtle and just stay at the Charleston beaches (Isle of Palms, Sullivan’s Island, etc). (Myrtle is a lot of high rises and tourist traps and just not my thing. It might be more fun for small kids). But I’d plan to spend most the time on the beach, under an umbrella, and pray the wind is blowing– I’m a native Southerner who lives for summer and hot weather, and even I think August is miserable in the South.

  9. Anon

    I feel like this is obvious, but wanted to confirm with the hive: if visiting with someone in a hospital or nursing home, you don’t photograph them except with permission. I’d be mortified to even ask but one relative is demanding pictures of our nana.

    • KS IT Chick

      Agreed. If nana agrees, give her a chance to freshen up and find a comfortable spot and position.

    • Anon

      Although I’m kinda confused why asking Nana is mortifying? Is this an emergency hospitalization or something where she isn’t able to look as put together as normal? My grandma and I usually take a selfie and send it to family

      • Cora

        I’m wondering if its that Nana is like intubated so its both not “freshened up” and a pretty rough picture.

      • Anon

        Maybe the person is in rough shape or not lucid? My Nan would not want to be photographed in her final months. Her nursing home prohibited staff from taking pictures of residents other than to document injuries.

    • Anonymous

      I wholly agree with you but in this social media generation people do it. And in fact it’s not like I’m blaming young people, the people in my family who’ve taken pictures and even videos of their parents fresh out of heart surgery hooked up to a zillion machines or out of brain surgery are 50 plus years old. Its like they don’t get how social media or WhatsApp work and don’t understand that there’s a time and place and everything need not be photographed or shared.

    • Anon

      Oh it gets worse – my cousin and aunt took pictures of my grandma in her open casket during the viewing.

      • PolyD

        I’m going to push back on that one. In my family, we’ve definitely had pictures taken of people in their casket, mostly to send back to elderly relatives still living in the home country. I don’t know why this was a thing, but it was meant respectfully. Back in the day, people didn’t travel like they do now. My grandmother left her home country in the 1940s, when she was about 30, and saw her parents only once more before they died, and they were pretty old when they died.

        When she died, among the boxes of photos in her house we found a bunch of pictures of people in their caskets. I don’t know why people wanted to send around proof-of-death photos, but they did and it definitely wasn’t to post on social media.

        So, I get being a little baffled by it, but it’s an accepted thing among some families or cultures. Or at least it was.

        • Anon

          And grief is so weird and so hard. If it’s comforting to someone to have one last picture, I wouldn’t blame them in the least.

        • Anon

          A friend of mine was out of the country when a parent passed from a long term illness. She said at the funeral that she hadn’t anticipated how strange it would feel never to see her parent again and almost take everyone’s word for it that they’d died. I don’t know if a photo would have helped, but I can see why people might try.

        • bellatrix

          Agree, PolyD. Last time we visited my MIL, she and her sister were going through old photo albums and there were multiple pics of people in caskets. I don’t get it, but it’s a cultural thing. They are from western/central NC, white working-class Protestants, and the pics were from the ’80s and ’90s. I do NOT want that when it’s my time, but a) I won’t know/care; and b) there’s plenty of stuff my Catholic family does that my MIL would find weird, so oh well – different strokes.

      • Anon

        I mean, I wouldn’t be caught dead (ha!) in an open casket and find the whole idea to be completely bizarre and sort of gross, but once you’ve decided that you WANT to be seen dead, I don’t see anything wrong with taking a photo.

    • Anonymous

      You are in the right.

      On a related note, do not visit or photograph new mothers without their explicit permission (not their spouse’s permission) and/or without giving them a chance to freshen up. My husband insisted on having our parents visit first thing in the morning after the baby arrived. He refused to give me time to shower and fix my hair. Our kid is in college now and I am still mad about it and mortified at the photos.

      • bellatrix

        Anon at 10:51, YES. I am not photogenic and I need prep time for photos on my best day. I told my husband before our son was born, no pictures until I’ve had time to brush my hair and feel human again. And he took a picture something like 5 minutes after birth. I was in an Ambien haze so I look drugged because I was, and I hate that picture. He keeps saying “it’s beautiful, you were meeting your son!” No. No it is not beautiful. It’s been nearly 14 years and I still get mad when I think about it.

    • Anon

      I think it depends? I took a pic a day of my grandmother while she was in rehab when I was the “relative on duty” for the week to text to her four adult children along with the medical reports for the day. It wasn’t going on social media, and sometimes Gram was awake and sometimes she wasn’t.

      If it’s someone you know is going to plaster it all over social media in a “woe is me” way, you have my permission to hold the line.

      • Anon

        Did you ask her to take pictures or was it something she was aware of? I know I wouldn’t appreciate being photographed coming out of surgery. My grandmother was sleeping for much of the day, wearing a diaper, and had purpuras on her face at the end. A shower a few times a week. What little hair she had wasn’t done. I get documenting things if needed for a changeover in case. But it also seems invasive and cruel if you know that the person wouldn’t want that for themselves. We can use words to make a picture.

    • Anon

      Well, I do think a picture is worth 1000 words, so if this is relative that can’t Visit it might be more reassuring to see a photo to really see how someone is doing as opposed to just relying on word-of-mouth.

      Likewise, if this is the end, maybe someone would like a final photo of her.

      I think it would obviously be horrible to post it or share it widely, but I think sharing among close family is fine.

    • Anon

      Maybe you can soften it a bit by taking a selfie together with Nana, if she feels up to it. Obviously do not take a picture of someone who is not able to consent to it, and especially don’t share something like that.

    • Anon

      It depends. Sometimes it’s necessary to provide information about what’s going on to other family members. Photos serve more purposes than social media and albums.

      • Anon

        To my relatives: do not demand that we send you pictures of our mom in a hospital. I’m not doing that (she can’t consent). She wouldn’t want it. Stop yelling at me for them. If you want that, do your own dirty work yourself. Get on an effing plane and go there and take the pictures you want.

        • Anon

          As one of the few in my generation who stayed in our home city I very much get how hard it is to be the local one because you have to do all the work.

          However, I also feel for the far away relatives who are worried about a relatives health and can’t see it in person themselves. I was once deployed when a close relative was ill and worried sick. I’d do anything to assuage the worry of someone who can’t be nearby.

          • Anon

            The relatives can come see her in person then. You don’t take non consensual photos of anyone, and especially don’t share them!

          • Anon

            I was providing an example of why someone may not be able to come visit. There are plenty of good reasons that despite your best wishes and intentions, you’re unable to do so.

            Not everyone has a job that gives them the luxury of being able to up and leave at a moments notice.

          • Anon

            You do not need a picture. You can talk about what’s going on. But no one’s curiousity is a Need. No one actually needs photos of someone who did not consent to having them taken.

          • Anon

            Honestly, a lot of the times a photo helps people process. It’s not necessarily morbid curiosity or anything nefarious.

      • Anon

        No, it’s not “necessary”. It may be what you would like in certain circumstances but that does not override the other person’s wishes.

        • Anon

          So glad you’re aware of all situations, it’s amazing the clarity that comes from your well considered perspective,

          • Anon

            You are clearly defensive because you’ve done this. Delete the pics. You have no right to them. Don’t be a terrible person then double down. You’re not right in this situation.

          • Anon

            You clearly have never been a caretaker for anyone and have no idea that yes, sometimes you do need photos to communicate what’s happened to other doctors, assisted living personnel, etc. No, you don’t get “consent” from someone with dementia or who is otherwise incompetent. But it can be necessary for a whole lot of reasons. So perhaps broaden your horizons and scope of knowledge before you get all judgy-pants.

    • smurf

      I don’t think there’s anything mortifying about asking if they’re living in a nursing home – like that’s where they live, no different than taking photos in someone’s home – though it’s def rude to demand photos regardless. I would never even ask if someone’s in the hospital. If they want to see how nana’s doing, they should come visit.

      • Anon

        There are nursing homes and nursing homes. Some people are long term residents who live there for no stairs or for no house chores. Other people are there with 24/7 care needs or may be getting hospice services. That population I feel really protective of because they are very frail and vulnerable and it doesn’t seem like they are up for selfies.

    • Anon

      I think asking is completely fine and I don’t see this as a big deal. That said, 1000% would not post anywhere or circulate widely.

      • Anon

        Yeah, I’m honestly surprised this was a question, let alone one that people feel so strongly against doing. I would not have a problem with this.

    • Anonymous

      Why is asking nana “can we take a photo? Your great new phew would love to see you” mortifying for you?

    • Anon

      Honestly, even if I look completely terrible if a quick picture of me sent directly to a relative and not posted online could make them feel better as they’re worried about me, Why wouldn’t I do that?

      To me it’s such a basic, of course do what should be done if it’ll help my loved ones. I don’t get the selfishness here sometimes.

      • Anon

        That’s you consenting. We are talking about someone unable to consent. That different.

        • Anon

          Well, I’m just saying I’m also making it well known to my family that if a picture of me in the hospital is gonna make someone feel better then they can do it.

          Needing full consent to be photographed by family seems weird to me though. Obviously if someone is able to say, I don’t want my photo taken you respect that, but I don’t think you need to worry about getting consent or something in this situation.

          • Anon

            What?! It’s like the one bit of autonomy some people have left. Let’s not assume that away also (but if the lucid spouse or child objects, that is final and does not get escalated).

            TBH a lot of pictures likely add to distress since we aren’t used to seeing end of life or really close to the end pictures. Like cancer ravages a body. Surgeries have dressings and drains. We in office jobs have a lot of autonomy and dignity and it’s not like that for everyone.

        • Anon

          Yeah, but who in their right mind would not consent to doing something that is painless for them that would comfort a loved one???

          Like it’s such an easy answer

          • Anon

            Me. If I’m in shape to consent, pick up a phone and call me. If I’m not, don’t photograph me. My personal representative would tell you no. At that point, my info may be shared as he or she sees fit but not like that.

          • Anon

            Maybe for you but you do get that other people may reasonably differ on this, yes?

          • Anonymous

            It’s painful to be seen in a vulnerable state by your loved ones. Especially if you’re very sick or injured. It’s really upsetting that you can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want that.

          • Anon

            I don’t know, if my relatives have spent their lives giving up their preferences for their loved ones and I’ve done the same. Why not just do it one last time

          • Anon

            Again if you are the person being photographed and YOU decide why not just one last time FOR YOURSELF, then that is you giving consent. You cannot give consent on behalf of another. You really need to stop this. It’s awful.

          • Anon

            I am a different commentary, and I understand the consent issue if someone is unwilling or unable to get consent for a photo. What I am stuck on, however is that why would someone be selfish enough to not consent to this if it’s going to help comfort a loved one?

          • Anonymous

            I have cancer and have thought about this a lot. I don’t want people to remember me at my worst or feel sorry for me. Instead of thinking about me as a person or the good times we’ve shared, a photo like that makes you think about the horribleness of the disease. Someone’s nosiness doesn’t get to trump my dignity. And that’s what it is–a picture to help “process” is just being nosy about how bad things got.

            It’s such an easy answer to me on why this is wrong.

            Maybe live with a chronic condition that robs you of having your outside like your inside for a bit and you’ll be better able to understand. It’s not “something painless” as you describe. And I’m in my right mind, I assure you.

    • NW Islander

      When my mother died, at my home (which was also her home for ~3 years), I immediately made her up with make-up and jewelry. I did take a photo or 2. I’m not sure why and it wasn’t something I planned. It was just an instinctive thing to do? She was going to be removed from my home and probably viewed by a number of folks (we had a brain autopsy done, as she wanted). I thought she would want to look as good as I could make her look.

      If your relative is alive and able to engage, maybe you could bring some basic make-up and offer to freshen her up?

  10. Anon

    hi all, I wrote in asking about advice between my current (boring but fine) job and a potential big step up, and am happy to report that I took the second job BUT I played hardball and got them to increase the pay to match the increased responsibilities. I took the approach that they were free to refuse, and I was free to keep my perfectly fine job, so I was polite and firm and after a bit of dillydallying they matched my requested salary! Thanks for everyone’s advice and just a reminder to always negotiate for yourself (I was initially told the first offer was “firm”).

  11. Anon

    Question on clothing rentals (and Nuuly in particular) – I love the idea of jazzing up my summer wardrobe with some fun outfits, but I often don’t know much in advance when I’ll have something going on over the weekend that justifies wearing something cute (as opposed to lounging around in comfy shorts and t-shirts). If you do clothing rentals and aren’t otherwise planning around an event, do you just throw in a few pieces of fun going out clothes in the hopes that something comes up that month that warrants wearing something snazzy (vs loading up on work-appropriate clothes that you’ll get the most use out of)?

    • DC Inhouse Counsel

      Yes, that’s what I do. Even if I don’t know my specific plans for the month ahead, I’ll choose a few items that would be fun for a date night, happy hour with the girls, brunch etc. Sometimes if I get something really great that encourages me to make plans to wear it!

    • Anon

      I’m all for dressing up/wearing the nice outfit to go run errands if you want to wear something fun. No need to wait for an occasion.

  12. Portugal

    I have 10 days off unexpectedly and would like to take my family to Portugal this summer. Elementary age kids. Thinking Lisbon and something else … all ideas, tips and suggestions welcome as I know there have been a lot of raves about Portugal on this board throughout the last few years.
    How long would you stay where? How to get around between different places? Where to stay? Budget isn’t unlimited but would like to have a reasonably nice vacation. We generally prefer hotels to airbnbs.

    • Anon

      I would go to the Algarve in the south. It will be crowded in the summer, but it is a great area for kids. Vila Vita Parc and Martinhal Sagres are both very nice family friendly hotels.

    • Anon

      Following because I also want to try out Portugal solo (so maybe more walking than w kids but the same considerations for ease and safety) and am not a planner.

    • Anon

      I went to Lisbon solo in September a few years back. It was warm compared to NYC. I got a little sunburnt just sitting by the water. I think the summer might be a little too hot especially for kids walking around all day. It is beautiful but you only need 3-4 days in Lisbon.

    • Anonymous

      We stayed in Lisbon and Cascais and both were amazing! Our kids were a bit younger than ours– 3 and 1 or so. Lisbon is very hilly (like SF-level hilly), and I’d be reluctant to take my younger daughter now that she’s outgrown a stroller, because she’s a whiny walker, but with stronger kids or a stroller it’d be fine.

    • Non-non

      Went last year and hit Lisbon and Porto. I was tepid on Lisbon since it felt like just another big city, but the Lisbon-area highlight was absolutely Sintra. We took the local train and it was quick, easy, and felt very safe. Had tourist bus passes within Sintra to get around since it’s quite hilly, but the National Palace and the Moorish Castle (my favorite part of the trip) were both amazing.

      I loved Porto since it has a very old world vibe and it’s really walkable. We enjoyed a half-day guided walking tour around the old city, enjoying sunsets over the bridge to Gaia and São Jorge Castle, and lots of good food. My second favorite part of the trip, unexpectedly, was another local train trip to Guimarães, which was a quaint Medieval city with incredible views and a neat funicular up to the top of the mountain.

  13. Anon

    Can any dog moms commiserate?

    I’m looking into adopting a dog and I’m doing the responsible thing and looking into all the rescue groups in my area. I’m a very responsible person, I have lots of experience with dogs, I’m a huge dog lover. But because I’m in an apartment I get automatically disqualified from most dogs. And the ones that are a good fit get adopted so quickly because there’s such intense competition! I submit applications and never hear back. The application requirements are also really lengthy and detailed. They want to know your entire background, every pet you’ve ever had, etc etc. I get that they want to ensure the dog is going to a good home, but it’s exhausting. And of course there’s no guarantee that the rescue is even disclosing every health or behavioral issue about a dog. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I’ve encountered a couple “rescues” that are basically one lady hoarding a ton of dogs in her backyard and she’ll just hand them over to whoever. It makes me realize why people go to a breeder and pay $3000 for a puppy! I’m close to giving up.

    • Anon

      I’m a rescue dog mom and pretty close to some people in the rescue circle for my dogs. Don’t give up! If at all possible, go visit the rescue and let them get to know you in person. What turned the tide for our first rescue dog was a close friend sending a completely unsolicited email to the rescue telling them what great people we are.

      If you’re targeting a certain breed, look for local events for that breed & start showing up.

      Hang in there! Your dog is out there. And thank you for rescuing.

      • OP

        Unfortunately it seems like all the rescues in my area are foster-based (which is great for the dogs, but means there’s no one place to visit).

        • Anon

          I asked my dog’s foster to visit me with her foster dog -which she did, and he’s my dog now! And the foster is my friend now.

    • Anon

      Where are you located? I have worked with a rescue organization that would be a good fit for you..

    • Anon

      It’s okay to support actually good breeders (however they are few and far between, and their application process will be just as laborious). Good breeding programs are where we hope a lot of healthy, happy dogs in the future will come from. It is also not a bad thing that there are few enough homeless dogs of some types these days that there is intense competition over them; it’s thanks to successful rescue efforts over the years.

      If you’re very committed to rescue though, given your experience, have you considered building a relationship with the rescue community via fostering?

      I also noticed that you haven’t mentioned the shelter; maybe good fit dogs are instantly scooped from the shelter as well though.

      Here are two relevant resources from the same dog breeder, rescuer, and trainer:

      https://www.whole-dog-journal.com/lifestyle/finding-the-best-animal-shelters/

      https://www.whole-dog-journal.com/lifestyle/a-field-guide-to-ethical-breeders/

      • OP

        Yes, I’ve been stalking my local shelter’s website and the eligible dogs are gone almost instantly!

        • Anon

          I looked at my very local, very good shelter first. Then I expanded my search to the underfunded, crowded county facility 70 miles away. The variety of dogs available was excellent, and I knew I was saving a life (county can’t keep them all, while the Humane Society facility had plenty of money to keep dogs for months if need be). Try expanding your search area.

          I ended up with a wonderful dog who now has the best life with lots of friends on the block. The County asked virtually nothing of me, and the fee was 1/3 of the Humane Society’s.

      • Anonymous

        No, it’s really not good to support breeders Take a look at the euth list in Texas of most shelters or Florida. Small dogs, some of them 6 mos or less, and it’s so overpopulated that they are put down quickly. (And not just pittbulls–many small dogs like maltese, chis, rat terriers, etc. If you think taking a spot away from a shelter dog is justified, it’s just not. Too many dogs- and not enough homes. You can literally find almost any breed on Petfinder.

        Yes, some breeders are more ethical than others about taking dogs back. But you’re still keeping them in business breading. And you just cost two other dogs their life–the one that you could have rescued and the spot it freed up to give another one a little more time.

        I know it sounds gross. But that’s the reality. That’s the ugly reality of how our society is set up.

        • Anon

          Where do you want puppies to come from? Born wanted into caring homes competent to meet their needs, or from somewhere else? Why give puppy mills and backyard breeders a monopoly on determining the future of a breed?

    • Anon

      I’m a rescue dog mom and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to a breeder. I think rescues perpetuate the issue by their barriers to adoption, which has gone so overboard. It’s one thing to prevent abuse, but they prevent a lot of good adoptions with precisely what you describe. In your shoes, I’d go to a breeder without a second thought. There’s also a lot to be said for raising your dog from puppyhood – behavior, getting them for their whole lives, etc. And I say all this as someone who donates thousands to rescues too. Rescuing is great and also problematic. Two things can be true.

      • Anon

        There are good breeders and there are terrible breeders. Please know the difference & do your research.

        My rescue dog was a backyard breeder’s dog before he was mine. He was kept in a kennel for his entire life until they decided he was “too old” (age 5), got him neutered, and sold him to a person with zero dog knowledge, where he was kept in an outdoor cage for a year until that person’s relatives stepped in and pleaded with them to give the dog to the breed rescue.

        • Anon

          That article is outdated. During the peak of the pandemic, many households adopted or purchased pets. That’s why it was difficult then. Now? There are many animals available to adopt, so much so that shelters in my mid-Atlantic area have been waving fees.

        • Anonymous

          Shelters right now are in crisis as the wave of pandemic pups were given up or had puppies. This board really has no idea what is going on out there.

          • Anon

            I know that shelters are in crisis (there are more than seventy dogs at my local shelter), but OP said she isn’t looking for a bully mix (and it’s true that they’re not for everyone or every situation).

      • anon

        I agree. I adopted my cat from a foster-to-adopt rescue, so I’m a fan of rescues. But, I also think some of the requirements are onerous and screen out people who would make wonderful pet owners. In my book, it’s OK to go to a reputable breeder. Especially with dogs, when you’re looking for certain personality traits, temperament, etc.

      • RiskedCredit

        This! I was shamed for not having a fenced in back yard. Completely ridiculous to require this because going to a dog park is better than being left alone in a yard.

        I did a happy medium of working with a breeder who had older puppies that they needed to home as well as older dogs who had been used for breeding. I found the most wonderful dog.

        • Anon

          I was shamed for leash walking my cats (in my own yard!). There’s often a more flexible rescue within a three hour drive though.

      • anon

        100%. Our dog is from the SPCA. We picked her out and took her home same day and they were thrilled to give her to us.

      • OP

        I’ve tried this too! Unfortunately, most dogs at the shelter are not suitable for apartment living and there is a huge surplus of Pitbulls and related breeds, which I’m not comfortable with.

        • anon

          WHere are you located? For example, the shelter in DC has mostly pitbulls but the shelter in Richmond has mostly hound mixes. Might be worth exploring beyond your immediate area.

        • Do whats right for you

          This was my experience too. I wasn’t comfortable with a pit bull, Rottweiler, or similar breed, and everything else was adopted quickly from our shelter. At the time we lived in a townhouse without a fence yard, so didn’t qualify for many rescues/dogs. We gave up and got a puppy from a reputable breeder and I would do it again in those circumstances.

          We’ve since adopted shelter and rescue dogs since (now that we own our house and have a fence). And I love them, but I’ll be the first to admit that they are more difficult dogs than the full bred dog we raised from a puppy. They came with specific behavior issues we have had to manage throughout their lives; it’s worth it, but it’s a very difference experience. Both the dog’s past life and breed differences are real factors, and it’s okay to do what’s right for you.

    • Anonymous

      We have a rescue dog. The selection process was such an ordeal that we nearly gave up. After being rejected for several dogs, I declared that after one last visit I would be done. I think the only reasons we ended up with the last dog were that the foster mom was a working mom like me (this was pre-covid and the rescue preferred to have someone home with the dog all day) and that the dog quite obviously fell in love with our tween daughter. I have since learned that pretty much the only way to get a dog from this rescue is to sign up as a foster home and then “foster fail.”

      I would see whether you can volunteer as a foster. If that isn’t possible, try to volunteer in other ways and show up at every event the rescue attends. There is definitely insider preference.

      • Anon

        Actually my second rescue dog was a foster fail – but intentionally so. I told them up front I wanted to adopt her but needed to foster her first to make sure she was happy at my home. And she is!

    • HTX

      I’m in Houston, Texas, and our shelters and rescues are overrun with dogs in need. Many are over capacity so they are housing dogs in temporary quarters, closing intake, and transporting dogs to adoptive home in other states (primarily in the north east). If you’re comfortable adopting without meeting the dog in person, I recommend looking at shelters and rescues around here. If you share the type of dog you’re looking for, I would be happy to recommend shelters and rescues too.

      • HTX

        I’m adding more info in case anyone is interested in doing this.

        If I was looking to adopt long distance, I would look for a dog that’s in a foster home. With a fostered dog, you have a good sense of their personality, energy level, and how they interact with children/small pets/etc. They often are potty trained, crate trained, and know how to walk on a leash. As a foster parent, I’ve made videos for potential adopters of the dog, FaceTimed the dog with them, and answered tons of questions. In the Houston area, BARC, Fort Bend Animal Services, and Citizens for Animal Protections are all good shelters with foster programs. They all offer a wide range of breeds and ages and have websites where you can see pictures of and read about available dogs.

      • Also HTX

        I second this. I live in Houston and do a lot of fostering for an organization called Rescue Pets Movement that saves dogs from our local shelter and transports them to CO and up north. We’re desperate to save as many dogs as possible and I can promise you that there is zero screening at a TX shelter for adoptees. And we have a wide variety of breeds down here – I’ve fostered tons of labs and golden retriever and border collies – you name, we’ve got it in terms of breeds.

        My current dog is a rescue from a meat farm in Asia. At the time my local shelter (in CA) only had breeds I wasn’t interested in and I fell in love with this breed and found a rescue that brought them over. It seemed crazy to fly a dog over when there were so many homeless dogs here, but for me, I was still saving a dog that otherwise would have been killed. Long story short, if your local rescues are being too difficult, there are lots of ways to import dogs from down south or even another country!

    • Anon

      Rescuing a dog is great, but it isn’t always feasible or the right choice. Some people can’t find one that meets their requirements (like your building’s breed and size limits). Others don’t have the skillset or willingness to handle behavioral issues associated with the rescue dog’s past trauma or breed. If it’s ultimately a choice between a shelter dog and no dog at all I don’t think it’s a moral failure to buy from a responsible breeder.

      • Anon

        Breed specific rescues are all over the place. Needing a specific breed is not a reason not to try a rescue.

        • Anon

          But they often have the same issues that the OP is describing. I’ve never had any dogs other than rescued mutts, but I do think there are situations like this where going to a responsible breeder isn’t a terrible option.

    • smurf

      agree w/ other comments that rescues can also vary widely in quality – that said, a few tips/food for thought as someone who’s adopted from the humane society, has fostered, and adopted from a foster-based rescue.

      it’s very very true that more ‘desirable’ dogs get snapped up quickly – in most areas that means small to medium sized, young adult, non-bully breed (or at least non-bully-looking).
      I now realize I truly won the jackpot with my first humane society dog – I walked in, met him, put my deposit down & got him the next day, knowing next to nothing about dog care/training/etc. Thankfully he was perfect for me, but it could have easily gone poorly.
      I’ve fostered a bunch of dogs through a rescue, and it really helped me see how much better you can find a match between dog/family by having them in a home environment to show their true personality. We did a lot of community/adoption events where you can meet many dogs at once – do the rescues in your area do that? check their FB page.
      I would also super recommend fostering – generally you can sign up as a foster, go through the qualification process & then wait to select your dog. A well run rescue should not pressure you to just take any dog – the one I worked with would post to a private FB group and send emails of dogs coming in. Fosters got first choice/priority in adopting their dog or not. Some foster over & over, others foster once & adopt that first dog.
      With our current dog, we adopted him through a (different) foster rescue. Found on petfinder, sent in a strong application (no yard either! but lots of detail about the care we’d give) and were told another family was in process, but we were basically ‘preapproved’ for any other dog if we saw a good fit. Well, that first family decided not to adopt & we ended up with our amazing pup!

      sorry for the essay – but I totally get the frustration of difficult processes but also why that happens & why rescues want to do thorough vetting after some of the s–t i’ve seen!

    • Anonymous

      I went through the same thing and was so frustrated. Ended up eventually (and not too much longer in the scheme of things) being matched with our rescue dog, who we love so much. Don’t give up. I think rescuing a dog is such a beautiful thing to do. And I would gently push back on the notion that the competition for rescue dogs is a sign that the problem is lessening – I don’t think that’s the case at all but more a reflection on any given rescue’s usually very limited capacity at any given time. There are so many dogs out there in need of loving homes.

    • Anon

      Same experience about a decade ago. I’m now volunteering at an open-adoption shelter that works to lower barriers to adoption, and I think that is the way to go. Check out your local shelter (SPCA, county pound) or senior dog rescue. These places are motivated to place dogs and less likely to be tied to their precious agendas.

  14. Picking up baby at grandparents' house

    Hi, all. Cross-posting from CorporetteMoms. We have a smart and wonderful 11-month old that is a joy in every way. While we work, she goes to daycare 3 days a week and to her grandparents’ 2 days a week. Sometimes, when we come to pick her up from her grandparents, she cries when I pick her up and wants to go to grandma/grandpa. After a little bit, she forgets about it and is totally fine. While I rationally know this is developmentally normal, it makes me *feel* really sad, ha ha ha. (Yes, this just happened yesterday after work.)

    I don’t know what I am asking, really. Do any of you have similar experiences? How did you handle it? I welcome any thoughts, please. Thank you!

      • Anon

        As a non-parent, I don’t get too worked up about parent posts here, but I think it makes more sense when they’re the kind that can be answered from the perspective from either being a parent or from having been a child or having friends with kids. By posting those questions here, you might get valuable answers from people who don’t read the moms board but still have relevant experience. This one is only really looking for the experience of someone who has kids, so I agree that it’s a little obnoxious to double post.

      • Anon

        The collapse function works great – try it out next time! :).

        I don’t mind these posts – many of us are moms and don’t frequent the moms site as often.

      • Anon

        It’s so wonderful that there is always the ability to collapse any thread that doesn’t interest you.

    • Senior Attorney

      I don’t mind it here! It takes me back, in a good way!

      OP, it’s completely normal! I saw a post recently on Insta where they were talking about how babies and young children fall apart at pickup time and after school because they’ve been working hard to keep their [act] together all day and when they see Mom, they feel safe enough to fall apart. So you might want to reframe it from “she is crying because she wants to stay with Grandma” to “she’s crying because I’m her safe place and she feels safe enough to let her guard down after being good all day.”

      Or it could be as simple as “transitions are hard.” Which they are, especially when you’re a baby.

      Hugs, OP. I promise you, Baby loves you best!

    • Senior Attorney

      Ugh said a bad word. Trying again:

      I don’t mind it here! It takes me back, in a good way!

      OP, it’s completely normal! I saw a post recently on Insta where they were talking about how babies and young children fall apart at pickup time and after school because they’ve been working hard to keep their [act] together all day and when they see Mom, they feel safe enough to fall apart. So you might want to reframe it from “she is crying because she wants to stay with Grandma” to “she’s crying because I’m her safe place and she feels safe enough to let her guard down after being good all day.”

      Or it could be as simple as “t r a n s itions are hard.” Which they are, especially when you’re a baby.

      Hugs, OP. I promise you, Baby loves you best!

    • Anon

      You’re the one person your child is closest to in the entire world. Children tend to save up their big emotions for their moms when they’re this age. Don’t worry about it.

    • pink nails

      My nephew from age 1-3.5 used to throw giant fits about 75% every time his mom came to pick him up from his grandma’s house. Like would see his mom and burst into tears.My sister is a great mom, although certainly less permissive then his grandma is. IDK anything about kids but after witnessing it for that long it seems like it’s a normal thing for some kids. He’s five now and has outgrown it.

    • Older Mom

      It’s totally normal, and that bond is a treasure. My tween son and my mom are still best friends. He and I are very close (same with dad), but she is just his person is so many ways. It made me a little jealous sometimes when he was younger. Now I’m so thankful he has that relationship to help him weather middle school. He is still a little boy with her in a way he isn’t always with us (parents just don’t understand and all that). It helps that she has never been anything but supportive of how we parent and never undermines us.

    • Anon

      This happened to me and I can definitely relate to the feelings! It was bad enough having to go into the office and then when my son didn’t want to go home with me after spending the day with grandma, it did hurt my feelings! But think about how great it is that your child is getting quality time with them – they won’t be there forever and this is a great way for them to build a relationship and make memories. Hang in there!

    • Seventh Sister

      I remember that feeling, and it’s so hard! But also totally developmentally appropriate. My kids were daycare babies and both of them would go through phases where they would melt down over leaving their caregivers. My son especially – there was a preschool teacher who was his favorite person on earth as a toddler. It’s going to be OK. My kids are both teens now and not any more or less screwed up than their friends who had stay at home parents or grandparents or nannies.

    • Anononon

      I don’t have kids, but I had a nanny growing up. When I was 1-3 I didn’t really understand that she wasn’t also my mom, so I called her “mom” sometimes. As an adult my mom told me that she tried to view it as evidence that I felt just as loved by and safe with the person who cared for me during the day as the person who cared for me at night, and that we were all very lucky for that. Your kid gets to spend time with people he loves; that is great for all of you. I’m very close with my (real) mom as an adult, and having a close relationship with my nanny did nothing to hinder that. (If you’re out there, hi Mia!)

  15. Anon

    i need a new show. things i’ve watched and liked: all the FBIs, Rookie, Tracker, Grays Anatomy, ER, Law & Order (and spin offs), 911 (and spin offs), Designated Survivor, Quantico, Station 19, Alert. things I used to watch/can’t get into: NCIS, CSI, Suits, White Collar. I tend to like law/medical shows. anyone have any suggestions?

  16. Anon

    Happy Friday! It’s a beautiful day, the a*hole coworker nemesis has their last day today!

    That’s all!

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