ByKat Hours Updated
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Coffee Break: Melrose Backpack

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black backpack with detachable crossbody bag

I could not stop grinning while looking at this new backpack from Lo & Sons (which they so generously sent me to take a look at). They always, always, ALWAYS just do the little details so much better than anyone else.

First, the basics: it's a black nylon backpack. It has a shoe pocket, a key leash, METAL FEET (huzzah!), a padded laptop sleeve, and a travel sleeve so you can attach it to your rolling suitcase. (I'm not sure who claims credit for inventing the travel sleeve, but Lo & Sons bags were definitely the first ones where I noticed the travel sleeve.)

Next, the tiny stuff I haven't seen many other places: the travel sleeve has a zipper at top and at bottom so it can be a sleeve OR a pocket. There are two water bottle pouches on the side of the backpack that have ZIPPERS so you can make them bigger or smaller depending on what you want to stash there. There are mesh pockets literally everywhere inside the bag, sewn down in the center so they're not too large or flappy. I also think it's really smart that they use shiny metal zippers (gold or silver) for the obvious zippered compartments, but matte black zippers for a lot of the other compartments — I imagine it makes the bag more secure from pickpockets, as well as keeping the bag from looking overly zippered or blingy.

The main part of the bag can be shallow or deep depending on whether you use the included internal organizer — you can use the bottom part of the bag for shoes or similar (with its own discreet zippered access on the front of the bag, behind another zippered pocket), or remove the internal organizer to have a normal deep backpack. (It attaches with a series of snaps and loops.) The laptop sleeve is in its own individually zippered compartment, independent of the depth of the main compartment. (SO SMART!)

The big thing that I haven't seen elsewhere: the detachable crossbody. It's so cool! The top of the backpack attaches to the body with a zippered flap, and this crossbody zippers on TOP of the flap so that if you remove it, your bag still remains closed and zipped. (There's a small magnet to keep it in place.) The pouch has a nice long key leash inside. It comes with a crossbody strap for you to attach, or you can use your own. The crossbody isn't a huge bag, but it's perfect if you're traveling lightly and don't want to bring a backpack and a purse.

They have a great 40-second video that shows you all of the bells and whistles — it's all just really, really smart.

The Melrose rucksack is $498, available with gold or gunmetal hardware in black, navy, or a really pretty dark green. The black bags have three different choices for the fabric interiors.

Sales of note for 5/27/25:

117 Comments

  1. I’m in the PNW and would recommend a PCC or Metropolitan Market gift card. Both are local grocery stores that have delicious, healthy ready made food. Double check that one has a location near your friend. They both also use Instacart.

    3. I am so happy and proud to have a Pope from the US. His job is to lead the nearly 1.5 billion Catholics in the world, across so many different languages and cultures. I don’t really care what non-Catholics think of his stance on abortion or LGBTQIA+ rights — he’s the Pope for goodness sake. Pope Leo XIV is only 69 years old, I hope he is able to serve for many years.

      1. It makes me sad that you don’t care what non-Catholics think about the Pope. I say that as someone raised Catholic and who is now a religious studies professor, but doesn’t consider myself a Catholic anymore. But I know Catholicism and its history very, very well.

        Catholic Church has doctrine that is, and has always been, up for debate. It’s not easy to debate it, and certainly the spirit of discussion and philosophical investigation has been squeezed out of the Church. But there is room to treat, say, trans folks as humans (rather than as “nuclear weapons,” as Pope Francis said) as well as to think about women’s health during pregnancy. The Church’s current hard stances on those topics were not always historically true, nor are they inviolable.

        The Pope is the primary person who can interpret doctrine capaciously and empathetically (as Pope Francis did in many cases). So it matters, globally and beyond those who identify as Catholics, how the Pope addresses these and other issues. And silence (for example, the Church’s silence during the Holocaust) is another powerful form from an institution as large as this.

        1. Not the person you are replying to, but I take your point. I would say, though, that 98% of non-Catholics are not as well versed in history and doctrine as you, and there is such a richness and density to Catholic doctrine that is hard to grasp if you are not living it and grappling with it regularly. (TBH, many baptized Catholics have a surface level understanding, too.) I give less weight to the opinions of people who aren’t educated in the subject matter, who thrive on soundbites and conjecture, who are looking for “gotchas” with every quote, or most of all, who try to take the Church and fit it into American political boxes.

          That doesn’t mean I put NO weight on their opinions, as I do hope the Pope will light a flame of faith in the hope of even nonbelievers. But as a basic analogy it’s like a family…I don’t really care what the neighbor says about my dad when I love him and know him to be a kind, though imperfect, man. And on life issues, the Catholic Church has a beautifully consistent ethic on the sanctity of life if you delve into it, which most outsiders do not. That’s not to say that the humans in the Church always express it or live it well, of course.

        2. I hope he’ll be better than Francis when it comes to trans men and women, intersex infants (this is such a huge issue in Catholic countries still), and when it comes to patriarch Kirill and the war against Ukraine. (There’s a lot else I might want that I won’t be hoping for.)

          I also hope multiple religious communities will continue to push back on abuses of MAiD (not talking about sensationalized RW fantasies, but genuine issues).

      2. Wild that you assume those complaining are not Catholics.

        Read any summary of the candidates and it’s clear there are a variety of views. Including one who said he saw no reason that a woman cannot be a cardinal.

        Survivors of S abu$e are particularly disappointed as there were other candidates who had much better records on this issue.

        1. I’m reading that he’s Francis’s pick. I feel there were candidates who had better records on this issue than Francis.

  3. Wanted to chime in to say thank you to Kat and to this afternoon’s author of the surrogacy post. I had a lot of intervention to get pregnant; the possibility of a surrogate was definitely on my mind but seemed so incredibly daunting. The author did a great job of breaking down the process into manageable-sounding steps. I really appreciate the insights.

      1. The closed comments addendum says people were being incredibly rude, which I find not at all surprising given the tone around here for the last few months.

        My niece was a surrogate. She had agency. She chose to do it. Money was a motivation, and she feels she was well compensated, but she also wanted to help the couple. She was not tricked into it or trapped.

        1. I won’t dispute how she feels.

          I do think that if things don’t go as planned, even in the US, all bets are off. Like a trisomy here or there. Or the GC is in a car crash. Stuff that’s messed up people outside of a surrogacy context can be more fraught within it. IDK how you draft for all that. And that’s just within the US.

          I don’t want to demonize anyone but sometimes it seems glossed over, like as sterile as an Amazon order. A big fancy fertility clinic opened up down the street from me and I think about this every time I walk past and see huddled over people and cars. It’s like the air is heavy over there with emotions.

        2. They weren’t, though. They expressed a strong opinion about the word choice and nothing more. Other posts have had straight up cyber bullying and comments stay up forever. Why the special treatment here?

          2. Right – so then it’s not about altruism or sense of duty. It’s about money. We’re allowed to criticize that, including any dehumanizing terms used for surrogate mothers.

          3. It’s weird though — everyone else gets paid but has rights based on employment. Living kidney donors are sort of similar (but they don’t get paid at all). They are taking on the biggest risk here. Do we want to encourage more of less? It is a minefield sometimes.

          4. It takes my breath away how high the risks are, but there are a lot of other things we pay people to do that are risks to life and limb (usually we’re paying men as opposed to women, but it doesn’t feel very feminist to be more paternalistic towards women?).

          5. Adult women should be allowed to monetize their womb if they want to and they’ll do so whether it’s legal or not. At least there are regulations and protections in a system.

          6. So you want a system for selling kidneys too? Because that isn’t how we do things currently, and it’s not unthinkable that we could have surrogacy work on an altruistic basis too.

          7. It does seem pretty paternalistic to insist that women who make their own decisions about what to do with their wombs need your help in banning it. In fact it seems very anti choice.

          8. I was thinking about kidneys too! But the reason we don’t sell organs isn’t because it’s morally repugnant in and of itself. It’s because the idea of only rich people being able to buy all the organs and skip ahead of /elbow out the less fortunate who might need them to live is repugnant.

      2. Hmm I missed them, and clearly ad hominem attacks would be unacceptable. But this is a VERY controversial topic, even in circles that generally support reproductive choice. A private internet community is within its rights to censor viewpoints, though…

        1. They were not any ruder than the usual comments, but they were questioning Kat’s judgment.

          1. Agreed it’s very controversial. To me, it’s completely valid as a topic high-earning women might be interested in, but I probably would have disabled comments from the get-go, because I’m 0% surprised they turned ugly. Even aside from the general tone, this board has a strain of hostility toward fertility assistance and parenthood in general that frequently comes out.

          2. And Kat should know that. There was a very long thread of high emotion opinions on this a month or two ago. I was surprised to see her wade into this.

          4. She has the right to delete whatever – but it’s very odd to delete opinions on a controversial subject that are expressed pretty civilly and then leave up vicious personal attacks every other day of the year.

          5. Well part of the problem is that many people here think that anybody disagreeing with them constitutes a vicious personal attack.

          6. There are also a lot of commenters who will hurl insults and claim it’s just advice or tough love – things like “no wonder your husband is leaving you” and “I feel sorry for your kids” and “you sound awful to be around.” Those are never, ever deleted.

        2. I’m guessing that she’s trying to protect the person who shared her story from an onslaught of overly personal, mean-spirited comments.

          1. Maybe we needed the fine print from the financial posts (“Please remember that this is is a real person who has feelings and isn’t gaining anything from this,” etc.).

        3. I think it’s also crazy how many BigTech and BigLae companies are being very noisy that they offer fertility benefits. I think they think it is being woman friendly but my take is just the opposite — push you to work through your most fertile years and in a way that’s not compatible with most relationship expectations and you can use science and third parties to get a baby in your 40s. (I realize it could benefit people tragically encountering fertility challenges across a broader spectrum, but they aren’t ever selling it that way. And even if they were, it’s always fit it with the rest of the picture of women leaving and moms nowhere to be found except as spouses).

          1. I agree with this. The companies also take the bet that you will be working somewhere else ten years down the road, so your infertility and/or motherhood will be their competitor’s problem.

    2. If you use TikTok, there is a page called Surrogacy Gone Wrong. It’s quite the rabbit hole. A woman used an agency to be a surrogate for a Chinese couple who just never showed up to retrieve the twins. So she decided to raise them and has highlighted what that’s been like.

    3. It’s an area I have very mixed views about. I’m generally accepting of the practice for gay couples and those struggling with infertility. But I also know people who have used a surrogate just because they don’t wanna be pregnant (no specific health concerns or problems getting pregnant), and I find that very problematic

      1. Why the inconsistency? If it’s an OK practice that has clear utility, then it shouldn’t matter what the individual motivations are. It would be like policing a woman’s reason for seeking an abortion when really, the outcome is the same.

        Personally, I oppose all forms for any reason, acknowledging that it’s a hard position that makes people upset.

        1. +1. If you find one instance problematic, pull on the thread and you may realize it’s all problematic. (Unless you are in the school of “the ends justify the means”)

        2. agreed. I wish I could be pro-surrogacy because I personally know many couples who would be wonderful parents and have been down all the other paths towards parenthood. But I value the rights of children over the desires of adults so… nope.

          1. For me it’s about the rights of women. No one else’s desire to have a family, no matter how deeply felt and sincere, gives them the right to rent a woman’s uterus. I’m also opposed to prostitution, FWIW. Agency isn’t the defining value for me.

          3. Or what women’s rights? None of this is easy or clear cut. Let’s say that my gay brother and his husband desperately wanted a child and I volunteered to carry the baby (with brother-in-law’s donor sperm). Is that wrong? Do I not have agency? I think most people who aren’t anti-gay marriage would say no. Now, let’s say there is no me in that situation but another unrelated woman wants to do it. Can she never have agency in that situation? It’s definitely more complicated and nuanced but I don’t think it’s as straightforward as just say “yes, never.”

    4. Yes, Kat and author, thanks. People here are so hostile to surrogacy. We’ll be using surrogacy later this year. After 5 years wandering around the awful foster care and international adoption systems – including a failed adoptive placement – surrogacy is the only way for us to have a family. Building a family is fraught when it doesn’t just happen.

      1. People aren’t entitled to the family size of their dreams though. It sucks that there are people who’d be great parents who can’t have any children and terrible parents who get pregnant accidentally multiple times, but you don’t have a right to a child that trumps other peoples’ rights.

        2. This is a very thoughtless perspective, especially in response to a comment from someone sharing that they have tried to do it differently for 5 years. This isn’t someone saying they’d like a 3rd kid because they always wanted a boy but they don’t want to ruin their figure so their gender selecting through a surrogate. What an amazing insensitive thing to say.

          OP at 5:01 – I hope all goes well with your journey.

      2. Surrogacy is a very broad category. It’s possible to agree that surrogacy can be a good thing but that it is poorly and badly regulated in many places.

    5. Agreed it was very well written! My struggle was getting an embryo not carrying a pregnancy but it’s easy to judge when it isn’t your life!

  4. I was talking about this with some friends: if you could have a do-over of the pandemic, what skills or hobbies would you pick up?

      1. Same. Or maybe yarn crafts, since I don’t have a ton of space in my house for quilting projects.

        The pandemic really cemented friendship with our neighbors, and I’m really glad for that silver lining.

    2. I would have started practicing my musical instruments again, or started learning guitar with YouTube videos.

    3. Twice during 2020-2021 I picked up my musical instrument again and then abandoned it partly because it needed major repairs. I wish I’d just spent the $$$$ to ship if off for an overhaul and stuck with it.

    4. SO and I first went salsa dancing (we were not very good at with a single lesson at the club) in February 2020. We talked about learning it (from YouTube videos) during the pandemic but somehow never did, and I wish we had.

      1. Same! DH picked up this hobby and I feel badly (1) bugging him to make bread for me, or (2) learning to do it myself and using up or messing up his sourdough starter(s). He has several canisters of starter stashed in different places around the kitchen so it seems wasteful for me to start a whole new one but also what are all of these for?? I feel like if I touch them I’ll be like that Reddit thread of the girl who spilled all the different types of rice and then put them all in one container together and didn’t understand the problem – like the difference will be so obvious to anyone who knows anything about sourdough starters but is a complete mystery to me!

    6. I think more exercise.

      I didn’t walk as much then as I do now, and it would have been good for my mental health.

      But I did all the other hobbies. Lots of cooking, sourdough, a lot of piano playing, and I got better at guitar. I took up birdwatching, which I’m still into. And that intense forced family time during lockdown ended up being really good for us.

      I also grew out my grays and am really happy I did that. I’m about 25% or less gray and like the current look, don’t miss the hassle.

    7. Not gained two sizes on therapeutic carbs. I can make a mean risotto now though.

    8. Did people really have a lot of free time? I think people with kids were more stretched than usual. Just curious, because I don’t remember having time for new hobbies.

        1. My desk was one section on the couch. 2 kids on zoom and husband in work calls and I’d go to my car as my quiet time place for work calls. Out schools shut down the 2020-2021 school year also mostly, which was awful.

          1. I also lived somewhere with extended school shutdowns, and I have never regretted the tens of thousands of dollars spent on a private school that opened in person with masks for my K and 2nd grader in the 2020-2021 school year. My sanity was worth every penny.

        2. As a working mom I definitely had more time during lockdown. No more commuting two hours every day, no more running kids to sports practices every day, no more weekends devoted to sports competitions. No more church, no more parent meetings …

      2. I had young kids and I feel like we had a lot of free *family* time. No camps, no activities, no social obligations. I was working remotely but my husband basically stayed home with full pay for several months.

        I didn’t have free time for new solo hobbies, but my family did get into hiking! And sourdough bread and other baking, and crafts with the kids. My daughter still looks back fondly on the pandemic as the time when I was “fun mom.” I tried to teach everyone, including my husband, to play the piano, but it didn’t stick beyond the summer.

      3. Yeah we had a 2 year old and no childcare for over six months. Zero time for new hobbies or even basic life things like eating and showering. I still have low grade PTSD from that time. It would be much easier now with a 7 year old who can entertain herself for long stretches, but back then we really didn’t have any time off from parenting unless she was sleeping or watching a screen. And she dropped naps in March 2020 (a week or two before lockdown, so it was unrelated).

      4. All I did was work, or took care of my 4yo daughter while my husband worked. 7 days a week just trying to keep up. There were no hobbies or even really family time.

      5. I had a 4-year-old and a 9-year-old. Getting through the day without breaking down into tears was an accomplishment. There were moments of sweetness and family time, of course, but it was SO HARD to work full-time (on pandemic response, no less) with kids around who still needed a lot from me and DH.

        Snow days still give me a form of PTSD, I swear.

      6. Not all of us have kids! As a single woman living along I had tons of lonely hours to fill

    9. I feel like I was in such a fog/depression – I’m glad I didn’t push myself to try new things. I just sort of got through it as best as I could.

      1. Same. I wish I’d pushed myself more, but it was just (or at least it felt) impossible.

    10. I didn’t realize I’d camp so much. I never camped before and went so much at the beginning of girls going into BSA troops that I could be an Eagle scout now. I could do hair, so I figure I could do all the knots (and I was right). This coincided with weird escape-fugue state TV like Ozark, Yellowjackets, and Schitts Creek and I’m pretty sure that I’m not OK in the head. But I can survive in the woods.

    11. This is a hard question, because there are many hobbies I wish I had the time to pick up. But I lived alone in 2020 and got really depressed as a result of the isolation. So, reactively, if I could redo that year, I doubt I would be in any better position to pick up new hobbies.

    13. Hiking, camping, generally more active outdoors. I am increasing that currently, at least. And since I was fully remote for 2 solid years, I wish I had been more adventurous with WFH flexibility. However, pre-vaccines with an immunocompromised family member, we would still have had to exercise a lot of caution. I don’t miss that fear.

  5. Has anyone had difficulties with communication and gone through therapy to successfully resolve them? DH shuts down during difficult conversations and I want to know if it’s fixable.

    1. I haven’t. But once I learned about avoidant attachment, I understood my DH better. Communication in tough conversations is still something I’d like to see improved because he shuts down, but it least helps me understand why.

    2. I seem to attract men like this so I’ve dealt with it in a lot of relationships. DH and I haven’t been to therapy but we’ve talked through it a LOT. If you haven’t invited him to give you feedback then I think that’s a good place to start. In other relationships, the guy never came to the table with feedback or suggestions. I think this piece is essential to why DH and I work (even when it sometimes feels like we’re talking past each other).

      I have a very active internal voice. I’m always mulling over things. When I speak, I’ve thought about my words and run through a zillion iterations of how the conversation might go. I’m very clear and direct, and have a prepared response for everything. This can come off emotionless, bulldozing, and like I’m not listening (because I don’t even take a beat before responding — because I’ve already spent a lot of energy thinking through his position). It has helped DH for me to explain this to him. It has helped me for DH to explain to me how my tone and directness come off and why he always looks like a deer in the headlights when I talk to him.

      DH does not have an active internal voice. If something bothers him he shrugs it off unless it REALLY bothers him and then he’ll say something more or less immediately. If he is not speaking about it he is generally not thinking about it. But, if I give him a heads up and ask him to think about X, he will, and he’ll come back to me later to talk about it (usually) or will at least have something to say when I prod him about it a few days later. Many times, he’ll end up agreeing with me even though his initial knee jerk reaction was somewhere between ??? and !!!.

      It takes a lot of patience and benefit of the doubt giving on both our parts. We both have to step out of our comfort zones. I think what’s made this relationship successful where others failed was that we were both willing to meet each other halfway. In the past, I’d leave the ball in the guy’s court because he said he needed time to think, but he’d never follow back up with me. Engaging with your partner in good faith is critical.

      1. Oh wow. This explains the dynamic I have w my boyfriend of two years. He is frequently telling me my communication style is overwhelming and that he needs time to think. A thing that I do not understand, but accept.

        1. It’s wild how differently our brains can work! I’m a litigator so I have to be decisive and quick on my feet. I think it’s a personality thing but it’s definitely gotten honed/worse over the years! I have to remember that not everyone is like that.

          A recent example: we just signed up for a 1-year maintenance contract for our HVAC because we were going to get $30k in electrical work done through this large contractor who does both electrical and HVAC; the bundle was going to save us a lot. Electrical contract isn’t signed yet. The tech did an AC tune up, everything was good, a week later the AC is dead. Based on before and after pictures taken by the tech it’s clear that the tech broke it. Unit is too old to be repaired so we need to replace. I did not expect the contractor to pay to replace a 30+ year old unit but I did expect them to pay the $1k it cost to get the unit working again for a week until we can get a new one. They refused to pay the $1k or take any accountability.

          The manager breaks the news to DH while I’m meeting with our doula. I’m half listening to DH’s conversation and quickly excuse myself, tell DH, if this company doesn’t cover the $1k then we’re not asking them to bid on the new unit and I’m not signing the electrical contract either, up to them if they want to lose $50k+ in work, and then I go back to the doula. DH just kind of looks at me stunned. He tells the guy we’ll probably want them to bid on the new unit, I don’t argue with him. The next morning, DH is riled up and tells me, unprompted, we’re not getting them to bid on the HVAC and I don’t want to do the electrical either. I just say yes dear! We usually get to the same place eventually!

          1. Wow – great story.

            You are amazingly quick, composed, and patient. I bet you are a great lawyer.

            Your husband would push my patience though…

          2. Aww thanks! Got a little misty eyed there.

            DH has a lot of strengths I lack. I definitely drive him nuts with my inability to grasp sportsball rules. Was that pass interference? No they’re allowed to intercept the ball. How about that, was that pass interference? Yes gj. Why didn’t the ref call it? That’s why everyone’s booing. Well who’s going to advocate??? Did that ref even go to an accredited ref school???

      2. Uh, you described my relationship, too. By the time I bring something up, I have been thinking about it for A LONG TIME. So it gets frustrating when I feel like I’m getting a blank stare from my DH in return. There is definitely give-and-take!

        1. Yes! The blank stare, and the “okay.” In response to my very well thought out volleys.

        2. I’ve found it helps me/us a lot when I bring something up the moment I start thinking about it. “I want to start planning our vacations for next year” goes a lot better than “I’m going to book these great flights to Paris in the next 30 minutes”.

    3. Well, as somebody who does have an anxious avoidant attachment style, I can tell you that therapy helped me immensely. But I was single, desperately wanted to be in a loving relationship, and felt like it was hindering that, so I was very motivated to work on the issue.

    4. I don’t consider myself great at difficult conversations – I’ll cry over the smallest thing – and so I can see a man wanting to avoid that altogether because men get so much messaging that crying is bad. I can also see though just needing time to process things — wanting a heads up or something in writing to review if it were a really difficult conversation. Maybe that makes me very strange?

    5. I did with my ex husband. The “ex” should tell you what you need to know.

      Our marriage therapist spent a lot of time trying to draw him out because he sat there silently for a lot of our expensive time with her. But her increased focus on him, including praise for when he finally spoke up, made him feel like he was right about everything. Needless to say, that didn’t help our relationship issues.

    6. It’s me, hi, I was that problem, it’s me.

      DH and I were in therapy to address our communication difficulties during the pandemic. We weren’t in therapy very long. I stopped shutting down; he started expressing empathy. Overall, I would recommend it.

    7. I can’t tell you whether your particular problem is fixable, but I can tell you that marriage counseling significantly improved communication in my marriage.

      For what this is worth, I think you’ll be better served to go in thinking of it as a communication problem in the marriage versus a way your spouse is wrong or bad in communicating or receiving communicating.

  6. Thanks to those who weighed in on my questions about the Sezane Justine bag. I pulled the trigger and LOVE it so much.

    New question: I’m looking for a small leather (?) zippered envelope-style pouch to slip inside the drawstring part of the bag. Here’s the rub: I want it to be plastic lined to prevent spills. Specifically I’m worried about my chapstick melting or sunscreen coming open. Is there such a thing as a lightweight low profile plastic-lined leather pouchette? I’m trying to not end up on one of those millennials becoming their parents commercials by using ziplock bags for this stuff.

    1. Ahhh I love that bag so much, which one did you get?

      I don’t think I’ve ever seen a leather pouch lined in plastic. You might need to look for canvas.

      1. I got the natural perforated raffia. I can’t express how beautiful it is. And to my surprise and delight, it actually stands up on its own, unless my other straw bags. At least for now.

        1. Search for a leather pouch with a *waterproof* lining. Nice leather brands won’t advertise using plastic.

    2. I’m not 100% sure what you are looking for, but Leatherology has makeup pouches with water resistent linings. So not really envelope style and not plastic lined.

  8. I got a new grand-boss six months ago. I work directly with her on certain projects. I think she is a lovely person and I have no bad feelings toward her, but her communication style drives me bananas. Feedback is delivered in writing, often in long, meandering ways that make me wonder: a) what is she actually asking for? or b) DOES she actually want this changed, or is she spitballing/sharing for the future. There are times when I don’t have a clue what to do next. I ask clarifying questions when I can, but I am concerned that it’s coming across as pushback when really, I just want to know what the heck she wants!

    I know I’m not the only person who is having this issue with her, but it is making my work miserable at times. She has a long, meandering communication style that results in a lack of clarity and a ton of back-and-forth in documents. It gets even worse when she starts a new version (for reasons I don’t get), which adds to the chaos and confusion. My boss has not been able to help with this, though she knows it’s an issue. For better or worse, this is how this person gets things done.

    Boss’s boss isn’t going to change, so how do I change my style accordingly? I have never worked with someone who brain dumps in quite this manner, and I am having a hard time adapting. I’m used to working with people who are overly direct at times, and this is … almost the opposite?

    1. Sympathies, this sounds exactly like my boss. I’m leaning waaaay out and hoping to quit in a few months.

    2. My boss can be like this at times. Nothing to do for it. “So boss, just to make sure I understand, what I’m hearing you say is… Do I have that correct?”

      1. +1 when people don’t know what, it can be easier to figure out what they don’t want. These conversations sound like this:

        It sounds like you want A, B and C and not X, Y and Z- is that correct?
        Ok, I get that C is important for the future, but not for this, so focus more on X and less than C?
        I’ll send you a draft by Thursday- does that timeline work for you?
        Ok, it sounds like it needs to be out on Wednesday- in that case I won’t have time to get to B at all. I’ll send you A and a little bit of X by Wednesday.

        If you don’t trust this person’s memory, send them an email at the end of this- per our conversation, you need A and a little bit of X by Wednesday. C is on the backburner and B is for next week.

  9. How do you break up with a longterm partner? It feels like it’s the right thing to do but also feels impossible.

    1. What position are you in? Do you mean how do you have the conversation or how do you separate your lives?

    2. Tell us more. What feels impossible about it? Hurting their feelings? Disentangling your life? Moving on?

    4. If you are absolutely certain you are going to do it, my advice would be the same as for someone planning to divorce a spouse: Get clear on your legal rights and obligations, if any, and make a plan. Figure out where you’re going to go (kicking somebody out rarely works — if it’s your home, fine, but that makes it uglier and you will definitely need legal advice because they will probably have rights as a tenant), put together a war chest for expenses, break the news, and go. And going no-contact is hard but absolutely the best way to break the attachment and help you get on with your life.

      Hugs, Anon. It’s hard, I know.

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