Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pru Scallop-Trim Cardigan
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This cardigan from Boden has a great shape and the cutest scallop-trim details. I like the crewneck version of this sweater, but the cardigan is really calling my name. I would pair this with a swingy skirt for a fun, business casual outfit.
The sweater is $98 at Boden and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in navy.
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- Ann Taylor – Suit Yourself! 30% off suiting (ends 5/16) + 25% off your full price purchase (ends 5/18) + extra 60% off sale (ends 5/14)
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- Nordstrom – Beauty Deals up to 25% off (ends 5/17)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off
- Boden – 10% off new women's styles with code + sale up to 50% off
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything + extra 60% off sale + $1 shipping on all orders
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off long-weekend styles + 50% off select swim and coverups
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance + extra 15% off $100+ + extra 20% off $125+
- M.M.LaFleur – Lots of twill suiting on sale! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off.
- Rothy's – Up to 50% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
it’s adorable but this would show skin on me. the proportions of these short sweaters and jackets don’t work on me, my waist or torso or something is too long
I couldn’t wear anything like this. The fabric and the look, generally, is too delicate for my particular build, if that makes sense.
Yes, agree. This would be so cute on my more gamine colleagues. Alas, I’m kinda like a Clydesdale, so. Yet another reason why cropped shirts look all kinds of wrong on me.
Clydesdales unite
Even in my skinny days, I was never delicate, always a beast
I am gamine and couldn’t wear this because it’s too frilly.
This is hardly frilly.
There are a lot of reasons I would not wear this, but I think it’s pretty. I also think it’s frilly. It’s aggressively soft. I think that’s fine–it’s for a specific type of vibe.
This shirt would show so much cleavage on me it would be indecent. It’s a cute top, for someone else
I’d wear it as a cardigan, with a shirt under it.
Whereas my short waisted self is loving it! I can get my t-shirts hemmed but am stocking up on shorter sweaters for when the pendulum swings back.
TW: weight talk.
I don’t diet (so no restriction) hut I’m noticing that I can’t really seem to get full on what would be a hearty meal for most people, especially in the evenings. To use a recent example, we made the Trader Joe’s family size meat lasagna, I ate half of it (640 calories) and a small side salad with olive oil and vinegar, and was still ever so slightly hungry afterward. I didn’t use to be this way – I honestly feel like my stomach stretched or something? I don’t want to be constantly hungry because I find the sensation very distracting and I don’t really enjoy snacking. I definitely don’t have diabetes. I’m currently weaning from breastfeeding, which did have a notable appetite increase, but this issue predated pregnancy. I don’t calorie count but would estimate I’m eating 2500+ per day. Any ideas?
Try higher volume foods (large green salad) and more things homemade where you can have bigger portions (easier said than done with a baby, I know). Trader Joes discontinued Just the Sauce, which was a turkey meat sauce, but something like that over pasta would have given you more volume for the same calories (2 cups pasta and 1 cup meat sauce). Potatoes are also some of the highest satiety foods, so try something like a small baked potato (eating the skin, too). You can also try to eat more protein and fats to make your meals last longer before you’re hungry again. It’ll get better.
It sounds like you are restricting, since you’re leaving the table hungry, and also conscious of the exact calories of your half entree.
A lot of salads are mainly lettuce which is almost zero calories. Have something more robust on the side – add a cup of soup on the side with the lasagna. Etc
Yeah but that much lasagne should be filling for most adults
Presumably she has to share her meal. It doesn’t sound like this particular brand of hunger is a big deal. It’s ok to sit with a not full stomach every once in awhile.
I actually had yogurt after that meal, but I’m just surprised a large serving of lasagna that has carbs, fat, and protein wasn’t doing it. I know the calorie count because it was a processed dinner, but most meals are homemade.
Presumably she’s “restricting” only because her partner also wanted to eat half of the lasagna and she looked at the calories give us an example of how much she’s eating.
I do agree that she should eat more, though, I suggest maybe trying to eat more throughout the day, not just at dinner. At least for me, I find that being overly hungry at dinner is usually because I didn’t eat enough earlier in the day and I overeat to compensate. Try eating more at breakfast and lunch instead, if you don’t like snacking.
I do find that more protein earlier in the day does help me eat lighter dinners.
So when I stopped nursing I found that I could eat much less. With nursing I was able to eat 3 full meals w/ snacks, and now I can’t (without gaining weight). I would increase your water intake a lot and see if that helps w/ appetite, and also increase fiber (so instead of salad, eat a lot of broccoli or other fibrous veggies).
I thought I had a major issue with food addiction when I was nursing my third baby: I was SO hungry all the time and also craved sugar and fat non-stop. It was really intense. Now that I’m weaning my appetite is starting to return to normal. Also suggest eating lots of vegetables – they help with fullness and the fiber helps with satiety.
Just some ideas. Is it still possible you have a blood sugar issue that’s not diabetes? (I do, and it wasn’t picked up by A1C; I had to have glucose tolerance testing. Maybe you’ve had that test recently if you were recently pregnant though!)
Have you ever tracked your diet’s nutritional content either with a dietitian or an app like FitBit or cronometer? I think sometimes when I’m still hungry at the end of the day, it’s not because I need more food, but because I didn’t hit my micronutrient intake targets, and taking a multivitamin does seem to help prevent this for me personally. (Maybe you’re already on a prenatal if you’re weaning from breastfeeding though!)
They say it takes a good twenty minutes for the body to register that we’ve eaten and make us feel full, but it sounds like this is lasting longer than twenty minutes if it’s more of an all day distraction issue.
Sometimes they talk about leptin resistance when meals just aren’t satiating. And nowadays since some people experienced relief from nagging hunger on GLP1 meds, they’re also starting to look at GLP1. I don’t know if there are any evidence based interventions for these issues yet, but they may explain why some conventional recommendations help some people (like exercising, sleep quality, eating more fresh unprocessed foods, etc.).
Thing I’ve noticed about Trader Joe’s food: some of it is wonderfully filling (eg, the vegetarian lasagna they had a while back), and some of it is approximately as filling as rice cakes. It isn’t even a calorie thing.
Try a different lasagna, same calorie count, and see if you feel more or less full.
I have noticed the same thing. If I eat a TJ’s frozen entree for lunch, I’ll want to gnaw my arm off by 2 p.m. It’s insane.
Yes I agree the TJ frozen foods and even snacks, are terrible value of satiety vs calories for me and for that reason plus their poor ethical/climate I have boycotted them for the last year or so and my wallet and waistline are better!
I recommend more protein for lunch and also eating a yogurt based “dessert” with seeds and blueberries or fruit of choice really helps even after a “sizeable” dinner.
I think this is because people think of Trader Joe foods as tasting better than, say, a Lean Cuisine, but TJ’s feels constrained to have Lean Cuisine calories. So they use the higher fat ingredients that will taste better but less of them so they can have Lean Cuisine calories.
I’ve always had a big appetite though mine went through the roof during pregnancy, like I would get dizzy and tired if I didn’t eat every few hours. During BF and after weaning it got slightly better but not really. It took time to start to normalize but ultimately it normalized at higher than my likely baseline pre-kid.
Lasagna is high calorie and I love it, but it also doesn’t have a lot of protein and fiber depending on what you make. I’d prioritize a lot of protein early in the day, like 30-50g per meal, and see if that helps with the night hunger.
Eat food. Mostly plants. Not to much.
Work more on the “mostly plants” bit. Your stomach needs high volume / low calorie density to know it’s full. I bet you would’ve felt fuller with a large salad and a smaller piece of lasagna.
That being said…650 calories is not at all outside the realm of reasonable for an active woman with an average bmi.
Ugh, make that “not too much.”
Anyway, you don’t specify your height, but 2500 calories a day is not a lot for a tall active woman. If your weight is remaining constant, that’s a sign that that’s the caloric content your body needs. Focusing on whole, unprocessed foods and “good” fats will help you feel fuller longer.
Eating more vegetables and fewer carbs/protein/fat definitely would not make me feel fuller.
Me, either. These days, it feels taboo to say that my body seems to need carbs no matter what else I’m doing. But it does! I do try to balance with protein and fiber, but the common advice to “just add more veggies” doesn’t help me much.
I just ate about two cups of strawberries with a little granola and lime juice! I am all about carbs. I’m just saying increasing the trapped water content of food contributes to a sense of satiety. (But definitely not at the expense of protein/fat—more as a complement to them).
Just chiming in to say that fiber in particular is wild. I thought I was getting enough with fruits and veggies but when I really made an effort to get 10 grams a meal ( not for everyone I know) it changed my eating habits dramatically.
veggies are carbs
Give it a try. You might be surprised.
Note that I am absolutely not advocating for NOT eating protein and fat or for calorie restriction. But having a big bowl of salad before a healthy piece of lasagna makes my stomach feel fuller than the same number of calories of just lasagna would.
Focus on chewing slowly and putting your fork down between bites so you can enjoy your food. Mindful eating is a big part of satiety for me. Post kids, I often rushed through dinner and and noticed that lead to feeling hungry vs when I took my time eating on a date night with DH and ate a similar amount.
Fiber is also key to satiety. Protein is a big buzz word these days but many people are lacking in fiber.
Are you drinking enough water? I have noticed I feel like this if I’m not getting enough water. Water will also make you feel fuller longer.
After both of my pregnancies, I’ve had to pretty much cut sugar entirely for a few weeks to get my body to feel normal-ish again. I’ve done a diet similar to a Whole 30 that focuses on balancing macros. Nancy Anderson is who puts it out– this may be worth trying for you? She does a lot of education about putting together meals and having balanced macros.
I felt this way when I had full on hyperthyroidism (grave’s disease) – I would eat absolutely huge meals and was still hungry all the time. Could be worth having that checked out.
OP here and I was actually tested for this in pregnancy and it was negative – but good to check again PP.
When I was at a job that didn’t leave me much time for lunch on occasion, I found if I ate my usual lunch in 10 minutes vs. taking 20-30 minutes, I felt much hungrier faster. I feel much better when I take time to eat.
I also find that some days I feel hungrier than others, and it doesn’t always correlate with what or how much I eat. So on those days I eat a little more, knowing there will be other days that I eat less.
Not directed at the OP, but I feel like modern life is “medicalizing” so many things. Counting macros with apps, apps to monitor your sleep, apps to control your diet – maybe we just need to pay attention to how we feel and not depend so much on (likely imperfectly collected) data.
This is my experience. I eat a fairly consistent breakfast and some days I don’t think about lunch until 1pm and others, like today, I start thinking about lunch at 10:30am. I call these my “never full days” because sometimes I’m just constantly hungry. I haven’t found them to be correlated with the size of my dinner, exercise, etc.
Some people have higher metabolisms. I eat like that and have no associated issues – so I would not have a problem. But since you’re weaning, keep in mind that prolactin makes you hungry. It takes about 6 months for your hormones to return to “normal.” You can ask for prolactin to be tested if things still feel off once you’ve been weaned for a while. You could also ask your doctor for cabergoline, if you don’t like how you’re feeling. It can help lower those prolactin levels much more quickly.
OP here and I asked my OB for some, but they’re insisting on an appointment to discuss it. I get that it’s a billing thing, but the whole house is sick and I just can’t get there.
I do find that stomach stretching is a thing for me! When I eat a lot I can eat a lot more. When I don’t, I need a lot less. A lot of this may be habit based, I don’t know. But I would say that you can experiment with seeing if this passes or giving yourself some healthy items to continue eating if this happens. For example, if I am still hungry after dinner, I will often eat a grapefruit. Or I will give decide I can eat more in 10 min and often the urge just passes. I know it’s different for everyone but for me this stuff is definitely habit based and it sounds like you are just used to eating more while you were pregnant and nursing.
Also – no guilt over the half lasagna please! Those serving sizes are deliberately what they are to make the calorie counts smaller. They are what the portion should be but taking into account that you eat a real first course, etc. Maybe you need a bigger side salad but I can easily eat half a TJ lasagna without being ravenous.
100% agree that stomach stretching is a thing — when I come back from a vacation or the holidays I’m always starving for a few days while I try to reset the size of my stomach.
It’s interesting you call it an issue because it’s not. I also eat more than the average woman but am not large; I’m a size 8 in my late 30s. I’ve had people comment on how much I eat constantly throughout my career at business lunches and receptions, so I know it’s not just my own impression. But I don’t try to solve it because it’s neither an issue nor a problem. If you don’t like snacks, eat more at meals. And if you try to change what you are eating at all, focus on changing what you are eating rather than how much you are eating.
OP here and I’m just frustrated that eating what used to feel like filling meals isn’t getting me there. It’s not that big a deal at home where I can find something else to eat, but it sucked on a recent road trip and on a few other occasions (eg long bike ride) where I didn’t have another snack because I didn’t think I’d need one. Guess I need to adapt but ugh. This just feels odd when I’m short and only lightly active at the moment.
You are still BFing, though! Of course you are hungry.
add beans or lentils to your salad – more fiber
the meat lasagna probably had a) high fat, low quality meat like 80%, b) high fat cheeses like bechamel, and c) all flour pasta. if you were making this at home you could have had the same portion with 93% beef and a greek yogurt/cottage cheese sauce and clocked in at less than 400 calories I’ll bet. store/restaurant bought lasagna is almost always a low value proposition, same with pizza imho.
if you had gotten the spicy farfalle pasta with sausage it would have at least been a chicken sausage, plus you could have added a freezer bag of vegetbles (or a jar of artichokes, a can of green beans, whatever) to bulk it up, or a can of cannelini beans, for about the same effort you probably spent on the lasagna. other easy options would have been to get the TJ fried rice and added a protein + more veg like cauli rice or another bag of stirfry veg. or for things like the bulgogi beef fried rice with kimchi i think they actually sell bulgogi beef in the meat section also that you can add more of to bulk it up.
Your stomach can definitely expand when you overeat and I believe it naturally shrinks (gradually) when you start eating less. I remember a friend who had weight loss surgery telling us that her stomach was the size of a football when it’s supposed to be the size of a tennis ball, or something like that.
The easy fix is to make two packages of lasagna and save the leftovers for lunch.
no one needs to eat a 1000 calories of UPF lasagna in one sitting. Half a family sized lasagna and a side salad is a reasonable portion if she’s eating at breakfast and lunch.
Eh, some days you need 1000 calories of lasagna.
With your lasagna meal, I would have also had a large portion of broccoli (large volume with fiber that helps fill the stomach), a glass of something to drink (I drink fairlife milk but water is fine – this fills you up) and a piece of fruit after dinner for some sweetness and more fiber (either an orange/clementine or berries). All of those things I added have some calories, and can be filling due to fiber content and sheer volume – your stomach can only stretch so much – and they are quite good for you.
But wait – if you are still breast feeding through everything out the window for now and eat what you need.
throw..
I have a good friend who is out in a Seattle suburbs for the next couple of weeks taking care of her parents after her mom had a stroke. Any recommendations for a local delivery or gift? Either a nice food item/package (she wants to be healthy instead of comfort food) or something else that could be nice? I was thinking of putting together a care package but honestly I’m a little maxed out at home so would love an option where I could just click ‘buy.’
Spoonful of Comfort has a vegan package. Edible Arrangements is, at the core, mostly fruit. You could also place an order with Whole Foods for a fruit or veggie platter or sandwiches – they’ll have plenty of healthy (or not) choices. Grocery delivery isn’t fancy but it is practical and appreciated and you can select easy premade things.
I would send flowers and a Doordash gift card.
Has anyone had radon mitigation done? Did the process go smoothly and the results last?
I’m in the Bay Area and had a couple of test come back a bit high. I can only find one company willing to even offer a quote. Any recommendations for companies in the Bay Area? I’d love to get a second quote and opinion on how the work should be done.
Is this for your basement? I thought basements weren’t very common in CA, which might be why there aren’t many companies that do it? I’m in the Midwest and also thinking about this, though ours is on the very low end of what you would consider mitigating, around 2.5 pCi/L, so we’re on the fence about whether it would work or make sense.
The mitigation work will be in crawlspace/basement, but to improve the radon levels in the main living area, which measured high.
Radon is very common in the Northeast where I am. We had a level of 7 or 8 or something when buying our house, so the seller added a mitigation system that brought it to acceptable levels (sorry I can’t help with cost). It’s basically a fan in a pipe – anything that helps with air flow will help clear the radon. We are due to have it checked as regular maintenance, but it seems to be working well. (We’ve also since finished the basement, added HVAC, and regularly open the windows for air circulation.)
Since you mentioned the main living areas are measuring high I would absolutely proceed; you don’t want to mess around with radon. If it were confined to a crawl space that you rarely accessed I wouldn’t bother.
I live in Northern New England, where radon issues are very common. Radon is in the ground out here, so there are numerous companies that handle it. If you are looking for research on radon and mitigation, Maine . gov has plentiful information on radon. My home has an air filtration system, which increases ventilation, primarily in the basement. We are on well water and our water system treats radon in the water. For reference, my water plus air system was about 15K 7-8 years ago.
We’re new to New England and our house came with a radon mitigation system. I’m sure plenty of other New Englanders will chime in bc radon is common there.
The way it was explained to me, the system is basically just a sensor and a pipe with suction (like the motor to a vacuum cleaner, basically) to the outside to pull radon out when it gets too high. Radon’s basically harmless outside bc the ppm are low.
So when you ask if it worked, it’s a simple system that just keeps working and you won’t know it’s there.
Not personally but this is a common issue in my area. The solution itself is essentially a vent, so straightforward, but can be expensive to retrofit into a house depending on your layout.
Yes, also in the northeast. We had a radon test done as part of the inspections process when we were buying our house. The sellers were great; they were horrified when the radon test came back high and they took care of it immediately. I don’t think it cost them more than $2k. The system has a little meter readout so we can monitor radon levels moving forward.
Thank you, all!
Throwing this out to the hive because I could use some external suggestions…I’ve managed my team’s undergraduate intern program for the last few years. We usually have 4-5 interns during the academic year, and 5 staff members who can assign the interns tasks.
One staff member has expressed consistent frustration that interns are not responsive enough and don’t complete tasks on time. We’ve experimented with a few options for assigning work and landed on a solution through Teams that’s worked significantly better than anything else we’ve tried. However, by the end of the year, this staff member refused to use Teams, which then caused issues because other staff weren’t aware of everything the interns had been assigned. I will do a hard reset on that, but I think the fundamental problem is that she expects part-time undergraduates to have the same level of responsivity, professionalism, and communicativeness as our full-time staff. On the other hand, she does tend to have the largest number of time-sensitive tasks, so I understand it’s a problem for her to wonder if things will get done on time.
I actively coach the interns and have had hard conversations when expectations haven’t been met, but at the end of the day: they’re students. They’re learning. And so am I–this is my first managerial responsibility, so I know I don’t have all the answers. My own supervisor is great, but hasn’t offered concrete suggestions. From folks with more experience, any thoughts?
It sounds like those time sensitive tasks aren’t intern-appropriate then?
Or another framing: when an intern doesn’t get the time-sensitive thing done on time, what happens? If the answer is the original staff member regularly has to scramble, stay late, etc, that’s not going to work – figuring out whether the interns are more or less meeting intern expectations is important, but a red herring to the actual problem here.
It’s generally things like typing sign-up sheets so she can send a follow-up email, or creating or posting flyers for an event. Very much the type of work we would expect interns to do. FWIW, we’re a unit at a university promoting our programming, we are not saving lives in the ICU.
For the one or two truly critical time-sensitive items that an intern didn’t get done this year, I’ve offered to cover.
it kind of sounds like interns are being asked to recreate the wheel? are they given examples/templates/copies of things from previous years? like a sign up sheet (if i understand it correctly, a blank sheet for people to add their names to?) should take someone 3-5 minutes, maybe, with formatting/printing issues.
i do think that each intern needs ownership of a task — this staff members should not be jettisoning these projects into the void, hoping to have someone else do it by the time/at the level she expects.
I meant typing names and emails from a hard-copy sign-in sheet into a spreadsheet, not creating a sign-in sheet template. We might have 800+ lines of hard-copy sign-ins, and our full-time professional staff’s time is better spent on higher-level work. We’ve implemented digital sign-ins where we can which has reduced this, but a certain amount of hard copy sign-ins are unavoidable.
And yes, they have a bank of flyer templates, presentation examples, etc.
Are these paid interns? If so you need really concrete time management strategies. But for-credit interns you just gotta accept what you get.
They’re paid. What concrete time management strategies do you suggest? Interns are instructed to log into Teams to check for tasks at the start of every shift, and Teams pings them if a task is added while they’re working. I increased coaching around how to prioritize tasks as the year went on, and that’s something we’ll focus on more in training for the upcoming year.
I think she needs to spend some time thinking ahead and figuring out what of her work is least time-sensitive and assign that. Assigning real, time-sensitive work to interns, even bright and enthusiastic ones, is not a recipe for success.
That’s kind of where I’m at. They’re each scheduled for 10 hours a week, which sure over 4 interns is 40 hours a week but some days they all had class, occasionally someone was sick or out of town, etc., so it’s not like I ever told the team to expect 8 hours of availability 5 days a week. But full disclosure I’ve hit a bit of a B eating crackers status with this, and I’m confident this other staff member feels the same way toward me.
+1. In general, interns should not be getting time-sensitive assignments, especially since it sounds like they are not full-time.
So the staff have intern tasks that they communicate to you, and you divvy & manage the work among the interns? and you are using Teams as a sort of ticketing system to balance workload?
I think you should tell this staff member that this is the intake process, and if she wants work from interns, that’s how it’s requested. You shouldn’t blow up something that works because one person things she’s special.
However, I would also be sure to coach the interns working on her projects that she has high expectations for responsiveness, and coch *everyone* that deadlines are deadlines; if you’re having trouble meeting them, you need to escalate and get them adjusted or get the help you need to move things forward more quickly. Make sure they know how to do that! In school you can often just kinda turn your work in a day late with apologies and an excuse, but at work you have to be proactive. If you’re their manager, they should be coming to you saying “Hey, I’m behind on this task and don’t think I can have it finished by Friday unless [I get this input today, or I have another person to help me review these files, or whatever would speed it up]” and you should help them find solutions.
No, other staff can and do assign work directly to the interns–it doesn’t all come through me. Some tasks are assigned to a specific intern, other tasks are up for grabs for whoever is free/available. The “up for grabs” tasks have caused the most issues, but this system has seemed to work probably 95% of the time and our returning interns from last year said it was MUCH easier to know what they needed to get done, deadlines, etc., compared to our prior system. I do plan to do a hard reset with this staff member going into the new year that she has to use the same system everyone else does.
That’s the kind of coaching I’ve been providing, because that kind of proactive communication that seems to be common sense to me has not seemed to come naturally to them. Even with coaching, they aren’t perfect (and won’t be, because they’re human, and humans aren’t perfect). How to correctly prioritize tasks and projects will be a much greater area of focus in training next year, I know that already.
Hmm would something like an “Assignment accepted” status be a good addition – an update when Intern A has “claimed” Task B (and therefore committed to the deadline) – maybe structure it like a ticketing system?
A useful conversation for both you and staff member might be: what are the goals/corporate reasons you have interns? If it’s primarily about staff efficiency, you all might be better off with fewer hours from a more experienced professional; if it’s for PR/hiring pipeline/etc, you’ll need to make sure there’s actually enough room in your team’s workload to spend time planning intern tasks, when “just doing it myself” would be faster (for me, creating a sign up sheet myself will always be faster than telling someone else what to put on it, even for a super stellar intern)
Echoing the feedback here – proactive communication is something that I found extremely eye opening as an intern (and entry level employee). It did not naturally occur to me to provide a status update to my manager about what I was working on / when I expected to complete things, as academics don’t work that way (yes, you may reach out to a professor to request an extension, but you aren’t giving status updates on your term paper – you just turn it in when complete). This sort of coaching (to communicate status, promote what you’re working on, asking for more work) was invaluable to me at that age.
Also, I was really bad at estimating how long tasks would take (especially when new). This may be an area where interns need more coaching. For the example of typing up a sign in sheet. Yes, you may think that will take an hour, but does that account for spot checking accuracy, and are there any questions (ex. how to format the output) that you need to settle in advance of diving in? Interns don’t always think through where they’ll need guidance until they’re mid-task, which can blow up a time estimate.
Set clear expectations up front.
Should they acknowledge an email on receipt or only reply with completed work?
What is a typical amount of time that X task should take?
What do they do if it’s taking longer?
I tell them to acknowledge receipt of emails, indicate in the notes of the assignment in Teams that they will be completing it, and reach out to me and the person who assigned the task if they won’t be able to complete it by the deadline. Most of them were pretty good about most of these things after coaching and reinforcing expectations throughout the year, but they weren’t 100%.
Can you leave this staff member out of the process so she no longer has to be involved with interns?
Working with interns can be a burden, and it sounds like she already has more on her plate.
I’m wondering this, too. My team was strong-armed into taking an intern this year even though we are a small group without much extra capacity to take on the type of development an intern needs. I have tried my best, and our assigned intern is actually pretty great for his age, but I’ll admit that I’m pretty salty about the whole thing unfolded. I’m trying to figure out how to better manage this next year because I know that saying no is once again, not going to be an option.
Easier said than done in many cases, but the ideal intern project is imo, 1 or 2 bigger items from your “nice to have” list, rather than a bunch of small “make copies” tasks. Something that’s genuinely useful if it gets done; but not genuinely harmful if it doesn’t. In my world, competitive assessments fit the bill well. As a bonus, the interns feel like they got a “real project” rather than busywork.
This right here plus the amount of time required to supervise and mentor interns effectively is why running a good intern program that benefits both the interns and the employer is extremely difficult. The best intern programs are those where management sees the program primarily as a way to identify and develop future employees, not as a way to get clerical tasks done cheaply.
I agree on the nature of intern work. It sounds like OP’s office is kind of treating them as Task Rabbits, and it’s not serving anyone well, *especially* given that they’re all so part-time. There’s a certain amount of osmosis learning from just being in an office environment, but unless you are a really cool company, I’d be disappointed if my internship turned out to be primarily data entry and mundane clerical tasks!
Just want to note, they do other, more fun work as well, and I give them a lot of freedom to propose their own projects and run with them! That’s not what has been causing issues, though.
Recent examples of more substantive, less clerical work: data analysis projects, developing new suite of flyer templates and branding materials, proposing and implementing their own event (with a budget provided by me), etc.
I was informed that I would take on managing our interns, so believe me, I understand the saltiness. I’ve been trying my hardest to frame it for myself as a learning and professional development opportunity, and our interns have been genuinely cool, interesting people, which helps. But they need a lot of support…not that I didn’t need support when I was an undergrad intern or an early career professional, myself.
She does not have more on her plate than I do, or any of our other team members. She does, however, have the most time-sensitive tasks that require intern support, particularly around promotion for a couple of events.
I agree that it’s more challenging to work with a part-time undergraduate intern than it is to work with a full-time mid-career professional.
As someone who works alongside our events team, I feel for her. It is hard to find those “nice to have” tasks when your job revolves around a hard deadline and genuinely needing support on lots of little discrete things.
Would it be possible to have an intern assigned specifically to events and nothing else? From a workflow standpoint, it could make things clearer and easier for your staff member. Or maybe she’s just a pain in the you-know-what, and this is just how it is!
It would be too much for one intern to do–it’s really an all hands on deck situation. I do think the idea of having one “lead” intern for the event is worth exploring, especially since we’ll have one intern from this year’s cohort returning next year. I’m also seeing if that intern can come to town a week or two early to help with prepwork before everyone else starts, they’re already hired so I’m not stuck with an HR-imposed start date the way I am with the new hires.
are these the same events every summer, but the dates and specifics change?
Same events every year, correct.
I was very sympathetic to your colleague (I have had my own experiences with law clerks not getting things done) right up until I got to “by the end of the year, this staff member refused to use Teams.” This might be an intern problem but if she is the only one complaining and it is multiple interns, the problem might be with her communication and expectations so I would also explore that. (Is she assigning them things that can be completed during their assigned work hours?)
There needs to be a portal through which interns are assigned work that everyone uses and has access to. Sometimes that is a person and sometimes that is a computer program, but it needs to exist and be used by everyone who wants to give them tasks.
There’s definitely a communication and expectations piece to it. We implemented a shared calendar on Teams so everyone could have clarity around who was working, when, and when interns would be offsite, but that doesn’t do much good if people don’t check it (or, to be fair, if an intern forgets to tell me they’ve scheduled something offsite). This staff member isn’t the only one who’s had issues, but the other issues were in the fall semester and seem to have been resolved with coaching, Teams, and honestly, just more experience of how to work in a professional setting. She was the only one continuing to report issues through the spring semester, although again, she was also assigning more time-sensitive tasks than other people.
One issue is that our biggest event is only a couple of weeks into the fall semester, so interns do get thrown into the deep end. Unfortunately, HR won’t let us have student workers start work earlier than week classes start, so it is what it is.
Sounds like her job function doesn’t fit with having an intern. I would stop trying to force a round peg into a square hole.
Exactly. Let it go. You are trying to manage HER (she refuses to use teams blag blah blah we have this channel and system and blah blah) but your job is to manage the interns. Just opt her out.
I understand the spirit in which these comments were made, and believe me I would love to delete this source of stress from my professional life–but telling her that interns are not available for event support is not on the table.
Just ask her if she’d rather not use interns.
Any advice on managing terrible PMS? (I am going to see my doctor about this too). I’ve been dealing with pretty severe emotional and physical symptoms, like every month I want to leave my husband and have prickly pain everywhere in my body. And then my time comes and I feel normal again. I feel like such a trope, like why is this so hard?
Distinguish PMS from PMDD. I always recommend Lara Briden because some of her questions were key to figuring this out for me.
I had terrible PMS and the pill helped immensely.
+1
I have been there. It is awful. Just throwing it out there, but you may want to see if there’s something else going on. Turns out that I had a bunch of fibroids that were making everything much worse.
The emotional stuff is harder to manage. I tried BCP for awhile and it caused other problems, but some people have used it successfully to treat PPD. You also could consider a low-dose antidepressant during your luteal phase. I tried that, too. (It ended up being better for me to just be on it all the time, but some people can get away with taking it just during that two-week stretch.)
Sorry, meant to type PMDD!
fiber is supposed to be good for stabilizing hormones — you might also want to look into some of the supplements at whole foods for women’s health. i take evening primrose daily for hormone support also.
The Moody app tracks your cycle and gives you daily advice on what you can do to support yourself. It also has mini courses on fatigue and migraines and other topics like that, along with yoga and meditation, etc. I like it.
I also just started using PMS Support supplant by NatureCraft. It has very high reviews. I hope it helps.
I hate to be such a granola hippie tradwife about it, but I have had this issue, and I gave myself a respite by having a baby. Haven’t weaned yet, so jury’s out on whether it is a solution or just temporary. Is it good generalizable advice? Absolutely not. Is it the only thing that really made the PMS go away for me after trying 5 different medications and a laparoscopic surgery? Yes.
One of my journalist friends recently wrote a memoir/ research book about her experience with PMDD (The Cycle) . Apparently SSRIs used during the luteal phase can do wonders for women who suffer from this- including my friend.
Amethyst continuous bcp! No bleed week means no hormonal fluctuations, no period, and no PMS.
Late entry but I found a prenatal vitamin really helped. No clue why. I just realized I didn’t have issues with PMS when trying to conceive. I had to go off birth control for medical reasons and had the same old PMS. Resumed the prenatals and it’s gone.
I’ve said before that zinc and B9 were key for me; I bet a lot of prenatals have those (along with other vitamins and minerals that might be key for someone else).
For those of you who take magnesium for perimenopausal sleep issues, how effective has it been for you? How much do you take and at what time of day? Has anything else been effective for you?
I take magnesium glycinate in the evenings. In the past I’ve taken L-serine specifically to avoid waking up in the middle of the night, and I’m wondering if I should try that again since the more I exercise, the worse I sleep. Hoping to try progesterone eventually!
I take a little melatonin on my long run days
Thanks I may try that; my doctor already okayed it for me for jet lag.
Should have added, I can’t take HRT due to breast cancer. So looking for other effective options!
I’ve also had breast cancer, so HRT is off the table (which as an aside, is super crappy at the moment, bc everyone and their brother is recommending it for literally everything. It’s bad enough to have cancer, but now I’m practically missing out on super powers by not being allowed HRT), and I take a low-dose melatonin nearly every night. Onc okayed it. There’s actually some research that it can help prevent recurrence.
You can talk to those of us who needed HRT during the window between when it was supposed to kill you, so right in between when it was the answer and now when it is the answer once again. We feel your pain!
I tried magnesium, it worked a little. A small amount of melatonin works better (I think I take 4mg of extended release). Now I do both. I also had awful leg cramps which the magnesium really helped with.
Other things that helped: zero wine, stop eating 2-3 hrs before bed, go easy on the desserts at the end of the day.
Can’t take hormones because I’m a cancer survivor.
My mom takes magnesium and swears by it. 300 mg of the Megafood Magnesium Glycinate, Malate and Citrate bottle.
She also really notices benefits from Accupuncture if she goes weekly.
I take it, but I don’t think it does anything. I take it right before bed (within 30 minutes).
Are you having hot flashes disrupting sleep? If so, I would consider trying the new hot flash medicine Veozah if you have amazing insurance that covers it (most don’t and it is like $500 a month when I tried it). I am starting gabapentin at night to see if that helps the hot flashes.
Has anyone tried the shoes from Quince? Specifically the leather flats. I know their clothes have mixed reviews, wondering if shoes are the same.
I do not like their leather. It feels plasticky to me and very stiff. I have tried a few pairs of shoes and a few bags, and it’s the same gross material in everything.
If you are dead set on getting one of their pairs as a dupe for a more expensive pair, they generally do look convincing. However, their leather products don’t really tend to be cheaper than say, Madewell, which is generally much better quality.
You get what you pay for.
Last summer I ordered the hurache flats from both Nisolo and Quince and ended up keeping the Quince version. I found it to be softer and more comfortable than the Nisolo version. I think the Quince version was about $40 less but cost wasn’t a factor in this decision. I haven’t worn them a ton (plan to wear them this summer) so can’t speak to how well they will hold up.
Has anyone bought anything from Varley and can speak to the quality? I could use a few summer weight sweaters and a refresh of my weekend running around clothing. Vuori is cute but a little shapeless so I was hoping Varley would be a good fit – in particular the shorts, slim pants, or pullovers.
I tried it and the quality is on par with other mall brands like Lululemon. I ordered maybe 3 different sets with various styles to try things out and it was a miss for me. I just could not get into all the zippers and the fit was inconsistent across styles. It all seemed very boxy, though I recognize that is on trend.
I have found the quality to be very good, though it tends to be made for someone with a longer torso. Most I’ve returned most of the tops I’ve tried, but have kept a pair of shorts and leggings.
The thing that kind of bothers me is that the clothing is very obviously “Varley” even though the branding isn’t obvious on the clothing. I do realize that is kind of the point for some people though.
I like the styles but most of it is synthetics (even the sweatshirts) so I find it makes me hot and clammy (and I run cold).
I have two or three items from them, and agree that the quality is about mall store (i.e. better than Quince but nothing to write home about). But it is still pretty boxy/shapeless.
we’re on a super high deductible plan this year – how can i research prices for things like an ultrasound and/or pay out of pocket?
Prepare to be frustrated.
Then, get the codes for the procedure you are going to have. Ask the billing office for the contracted rate with the insurance provider. Just because you have a high deductible doesn’t mean you pay the cash rate.
Then be prepared for the amount to differ since maybe you ended up with a scan WITH contrast but thought you needed one without.
Some insurance plans also have cost estimators. Some hospitals have their cash rates posted (but not their contracted rates, which are lower).
In any case, call the billing office and see how helpful they can be. “Treatment cost navigator” is a good search term.
Also know that if you have, say, bloodwork done, you have the visit fee and a separate lab fee. If you have surgery you have a facility fee plus all the physician fees.
Hopefully through lower premiums and a HSA you will still come out ahead.
Usually you need to get the office to provide a good faith estimate after taking your insurance information. The price will be specific to your exact plan (because of negotiated discounts), so you can’t just Google it.
Good luck. I have never once been successful getting a medical provider to give me the out of pocket cost. This is something I wish our legislators would legislate on.
They are legally required to do so if asked as of 2022. Google No Surprises Act.
Yes, they have to provide an estimate now. It doesn’t have to be correct (or anywhere near correct), but I guess it’s something.
The NSA estimate has pretty specific parameters: If you are scheduled for a service with a doctor who is out of network with your insurance, but the hospital they are affiliated with is in network, then the doctor’s office must provide a good faith estimate.
Exactly, and your insurance company is responsible for providing an estimate for in network care.
I didn’t respond originally because I can’t remember where things landed, but Congress HAS legislated on this. I swear it passed and became law – maybe it’s just not in effect yet? But maybe it didn’t make it across the finish line. The bill/law I’m thinking of required hospitals to publicly publish prices for routine services just like this. I swear it passed during the Biden Admin, but maybe it was caught up in the health bundle in December 2024 that Elon vetoed and the Republicans removed. (If so, that package is coming back around later this year or early next.)
I can look that up on my insurance company’s website. Call your insurance company if you don’t see an option to do that.
That’s correct. If you are in network you should still be getting the contracted price negotiated with your insurance so looking at cash price would not be applicable. They should be able to tell you the price negotiate your particular insurance. The No surprise act applies to out of network.
Your insurance company likely has a cost of care calculator on your member portal. The code for the procedure should be in the documentation you received from the office.
My insurance company has a cost estimator that I use. I had to look up an outpatient procedure and my oop costs ended up being pretty accurate.
Around me, there are cash pay clinics that I use with my high deductible plan ($6k out of pocket deductible). They list their prices for doctor’s visits, ultrasounds, X-rays, and MRIs on their website.
Do as much as possible outside of hospitals.
This is hard.
What kind of ultrasound?
For example, I was quoted ~$500 for my ultrasound, and they charged me $3000 at the end. Pelvic ultrasound. I fought it for more than a year, and finally gave up and paid. And I work in health care and know exactly how this works.
Just be aware that there will be some differences in quality depending upon where it is done. If it is for cancer follow-up or a serious medical issue, there can be drawbacks to going to the cheapest store front ultrasound clinic, and trying to get copies of all prior scans for comparison. It is very beneficial to your care to have all of your records/scans in one system, and the place treating your cancer.
But as others have said, you need to get the EXACT names of the test(s) being ordered and the accompanying codes. These include the procedure code of the test, and the ICD-10 code (diagnostic code) that justifies the test. Then you call the various places you are considering having the test, and ask if you could get a quote for cost, if they accept your insurance. Hospital based testing sites will be more expensive than free standing sites / independent labs or imaging centers. Make sure you as them to include ALL charges. Sometimes there is one charge for the test, one charge for the radiologist that reads the test, and a third charge for the “facility”.
And in my state, it is no longer allowed to ask to pay out of pocket for a test (with self pay discount) if you have insurance. You have to pay the amount your insurance dictates, even if it is more than the self pay amount. So you need to find out if that is true in your state too.
Also, there are often multiple procedure codes for an imaging test being ordered, so be sure to ask and get all of those. They love to stack charges, that makes it look like you had 3 different ultrasounds, when really it was one study that looked at 3 different things, or analyzed the data in 3 different ways.
What is your favorite meal to bring to a friend or family member who is going through a tough time? Looking for ideas, family members are going through a difficult season and I plan to bring them a meal bi-weekly. Bonus points if its kosher!!
PS- I’ll start- freezer friendly breakfast burritos and fruit!
Ina Garten’s turkey lasagna. I’m pretty sure it’s from the Parties! book. (My apologies, I don’t know what makes something kosher other than being blessed by a rabbi.)
Turkey lasagna is def not kosher (meat and cheese 🫣) ….
Ina’s mushroom lasagna is also good and would be though. My family really likes the Tamale Pie recipe from the NYT (also in the Joy of Cooking). Can be made with impossible meat or reg beef.
I would also recommend the freezer meals section of Smitten Kitchen, lots of good options there.
mixing of milk and meat makes its not kosher so while there are workarounds lasagna is probably not ideal. What about: potted chicken (like soup but with a whole chicken, veggies), brisket or stew, mac and cheese, chili, big salad. THings that freeze and keep well. for what it is worth, i am a picky eater and my kids are picky eaters and while i recognize that this is a thing and certainly would appreciate the kindness that lay behind it i, personally, would prefer a gift card to uber eats.
OP here- Thank you for the ideas! I would do uber eats/door dash, but the family member really enjoys my cooking and has mentioned that he misses homecooked meals during this time.
I’m so into soup and bread for this sort of thing. There are soups for every season, and it’s easy to make enough for your own dinner as well if you’ve got a big pot and an extra 5-10 minutes to chop.
Brunswick stew, cornbread, side salad. I just use chicken in the stew.
Also BBQ in the slow cooker that is just chicken or just beef.
I’m curious how old you are. I wish this was a thing, but in my 30s I don’t know of a single person who does this.
OP here- I am also in my 30s. People have done this for me in the past/I have done this for other friends/family members.
I’m in my early 40s, and most of my friends do this for each other. We do meal trains for people who have surgery and usually one off meals or something less formal for deaths or having a hard time. Or if someone is sick, it’s not uncommon to get food on your doorstep.
I’m in the south, which might make a difference. If you’re interested, sometimes it just takes one person to start something like this in a group of friends. So maybe suggest it the next time it feels appropriate.
Oh, that’s cute. If you’re in your 30s, your friends haven’t started getting sick or having sick spouses or sick parents yet. Just wait.
why the snark? really?
Agree that was snarky. But I admit, a similar thought went through my head too!
have your friends started having kids? we’ve often done this for friends with new babies. it often does involve delivering restaurant made food rather than store made food. my friends also did this for me after my mom passed away, but since most of them aren’t local, they sent food. as a kid, i recall my parents friends doing this for them when a grandparent or parent was sick, though in those days meal train websites didnt exist. i’m guessing the OP is Jewish based on the kosher part, or at least the person they are cooking for, and I am as well and at least in my circles this is somewhat common, though in some ways a bit silly given how much easier food delivery is in many parts of the country than it once was
I’m the 40s poster above and don’t think it’s silly at all. It’s very human to foster connection in hard times through food. Also for people who are sick or grieving, making a decision about what to eat can feel overwhelming. Knowing you have a yummy casserole from someone who loves you lessens that burden as well.
Just my thought!
OP here- I responded to a comment earlier. I’m in my 30s and my friends/family did this for me when I had babies or health issues. I’ve done this for friends who had babies/a parent die/a health issue. I’ve done a mix of home cooked meals or door dash/uber eats gift cards for others depending on their preferences. In this instance, the family member enjoys my cooking and misses homecooked meals so I decided to cook him meals instead of doing a gift card. I am not Jewish– but I am mindful that this family member is and keeps kosher. I really appreciated meals when others did this for me so I like to do this for others.
I’m 39 and have made meals for friends in unusually difficult circumstances, like a kid going through cancer treatment.
I personally don’t see meal trains for new babies very often though. That’s a normal life stage that most people go through and doesn’t require your community stepping up.
Ouch. To be fair, something like a kid going through cancer treatment is unusually difficult, and meal trains are in no case a requirement.
But… to imply that community is unnecessary if your challenge is “normal” or “common”… oof
Yeah I agree. I guess my thing is that I love my friends and neighbors and want to help them, even if they are going through a busy/difficult time that many other people go through. Also I’m child free, but adding a new member of the family is objectively a big deal that takes some time to get used to…
I didn’t mean it that community isn’t important for normal life situations and if you’ve had people organize a meal train for a new baby, that’s great and I wasn’t trying to say you don’t deserve the meal train. But personally, with a full time job and young kids I don’t have the bandwidth to be making a meal for another family every week, which is what I’d be doing if I was making meals for everyone’s new babies and sick elders. It’s something that I can really only do in more unusual and difficult circumstances. Community is definitely important for new moms, but doesn’t take the form of meal trains – at least not in my circles.
Reaponding to myself to say that with the additional context you provided, about meals not being within your bandwidth in your current stage/except in unusual circumstances, I totally agree. Community is valuable, but that looks like different things in different stages
Soup. But also I always bring some fruit as well so there is an easy healthy snack on hand.
NYT Kalpudding
Whoops, don’t know how I posted that twice!
The NYT kalpudding, which is a Swedish meatloaf, basically.
I made this (https://pinchofyum.com/chicken-with-coconut-kale) for friends who requested a kosher meat meal and they raved and raved about it and said it was the best meal they got from the mealtrain. Coconut milk is also a good substitute for heavy cream in desserts so for dessert I made a chocolate ganache tart with coconut milk and Oreo cookie crust (Oreos are vegan).
Also: how strict kosher because typically not just the ingredients need to be kosher but it needs other be prepared in a kosher kitchen.
OP here! Not super strict- the kitchen does not need to be kosher. The family member prefers not to eat meat and dairy together.
Tons and tons of people eat kosher style (no pork, shellfish or meat with dairy) but don’t require a kosher kitchen, and many people who have a kosher kitchen at home will have more flexibility around restaurants and gifts from friends. I think in the US it’s pretty much only Hasidic groups that will never ever eat food unless prepared in a kosher kitchen. Most Conservative and Modern Orthodox Jews go to regular restaurants.
I’m starting to apply for jobs after being at my current job 8 years. My current job is at a firm, JD preferred, 85% policy, 15% marketing. I’m looking at 50/50 policy/marketing or even more marketing. I’m certainly leaving the law firm environment and almost certainly leaving my niche field of law. Leaning on transferable skills, all the way.
I’m walking away from law and my field. Red flags for an interviewer? I feel like I’ll certainly get a question on why.
I have two main reasons: a) I have health problems and I’m not able to do the level of work at a firm anymore – my doctor’s been telling me for 6 months now to find a “step down” job with less stress, and b) We’ve recently moved and if I stay with the firm, I’ll have to fly back ~twice a month and I’m a terrible business traveler. How do I put these in interview-speak? Thank you.
Are the jobs you’re applying to in your new city? If so, I would lean heavily on saying that you are looking for a local job vs. keeping your remote job that has the expectation of flying back and forth. I think that is a totally normal, non-red flag reason to change jobs. Personally, I wouldn’t mention the less stress piece of it.
Your family recently relocated and role is no longer going to be able to work remote.
Or, if appropriate for the job, you are looking for a role that skews to what you like best about your current role: marketing.
This ^
Vicarious shopping help! Heading to Charleston in a couple of weeks, for leisure, and have no idea how to dress – I have spent almost no time in the South. Don’t love shorts, so should I plan on flowy sundresses? No huge plans but some sightseeing, going to dinner, etc.
Flowy sundresses absolutely. Charleston downtown is a dressy city – don’t go schlubby. Linen. It’s more humid than you can imagine. Wear shorts if you’re talking a marsh tour or doing outdoorsy things. Visit the Charleston Tea Garden – it is SO much more fun and interesting than the name implies.
It’s a sue sartor vibe for sure. Sundresses not shorts.
Yes. There is a Buru store in Charleston and a Love Shack Fancy store and some place that sells SS in another boutique, all close to each other. I’ve never felt so punk as when I’ve been to that part of Charleston (and I actually own Buru and SS but LSF is too rich for my blood).
If your thighs make any contact at all, invest in some anti-chafe gel/lotion. For me, dresses + walking + humidity = pain. I like the old Monistat tube but there’s tons out there.
One of the things I love about SS dresses is that no one can see my anti-chub-run shorts.
. . . like you normally would?
I’ve been several times– as tourism has increased, it’s definitely gotten more acceptable to wear athletic clothes around during the day. It’s just so hot. It will be much warmer than you are expecting– we are from the SEUS and ended up having to buy cooler clothes when we were there in March.
I would absolutely plan to wear a sundress for women and a polo/etc for men when you go out to eat or if you’re planning on doing anything non-touristy. Nap dresses were super popular last time I was there, whereas I do not really see them much in the wild in my SEUS city.
I feel like there are a ton of people here just like my husband and I, meaning: well educated, progressively minded and financially successful if not rich. We live in a conservative area and we know if we cut off people that vote differently we’re probably going to be extremely lonely. Still, the level of crude misogyny my husband has been describing at the local country club has been enough to make us back down from joining. He’s says it’s worse than what we heard from his construction working uncles in the rough parts of town in the 1980s and it’s totally grossing us out. I know country clubs are elitist by nature but this one seemed less historically bigoted than the wasp-ier one we’re now considering.
Where are you people at? There have got to be a few more folks like us that like parties and golf and drinks by the pool. Are you at the pool club or the other country club?I know you’re not at the local women’s charity group, it’s mostly the same women over there.
YMMV but in my case they are at my local Episcopal Church and its various ministry teams. I met like-minded people there and then we developed social relationships outside the church.
This response is funny because it made me think and realize the answer is: at the local synagogues. Which is probably not helpful for the OP because if she were Jewish, she would already have checked out the local congregations.
The town jazz band is a nice group of people too, but sadly I am only an audience member. Jazz music and conservative politics mix like oil and water.
Any events or groups linked to the local public tv and radio affiliates will probably be of interest, OP.
Op- Ok now I’m cracking up. We actually considered the more Jewish country club but we don’t think they throw the best parties. My dad is Jewish, but non practicing and extremely wasp-y in his nature. My mom has the kind of dirt poor Irish American heritage that people who are now wealthy relay with pride. I feel like the Catholic leaning club is less snobbish about your heritage than the wasp-y one. I guess we’ll see if they’ll have our very mixed heritage selves and then see if they’re less anti-women. I’m skeptical but the Episcopalian comment about gives me hope. All of this is so silly.
what makes something the “best” parties? maybe your standards are just out of whack? or the people who prioritize things like “best” parties over other things, don’t share your other values? and how old you are you guys? are you DINKS?
Okay, but those are all still country clubs. I don’t think the problem is the religious-leaning of the specific club, it’s the fact that they’re country clubs. They’re simply not going to attract your kind of people.
Also I’m dying to know where you live that has this many country clubs. It seems like such an anachronism to me in 2025, but I obviously live in a very different world.
Jewish country clubs can be extremely snobby and although less likely to skew politically conservative than WASP country clubs, are otherwise pretty elitist in the same ways. I think if you’re looking for down to earth, friendly people who don’t care about status you want a synagogue or progressive church over a country club. I realize that doesn’t help very much if you’re not religious, but it’s a very different vibe.
Thanks all. We’re not religious. We have plenty of friends. We do charity work. We want a club because it’s great for the kids and we really enjoy the fun Saturday night dress up parties and bbqs. That’s not something you have a a running club or the y.
Again, I agree with the other posters….. are these the kind of values you want to socialize with, and the kinds of values you want your kids to embrace? I don’t understand your logic of choosing this place at all.
I am in a tennis and swim club vs a country club (we don’t golf but probably should pick that up again). In the SEUS. But I don’t encounter this because it’s a matriarchy here. Maybe not other places. But do you want to be in a country club or just golf? There are broader golf clubs for that or you can join and be the change you want to see in the world. I refuse to cede the places I want to be in to as$holes.
Is there a local Democrats group you could volunteer with? Some of the coolest women I’ve met have been through my city’s group. Other options are less polished volunteer opportunities like soup kitchens or climate activism. Yoga classes or hiking groups may be another bet.
I will say, you lay down with dogs, you have to get the fleas. We used to have rich Trumps friends and they talk similarly. I don’t think you’re allowed to be scandalized by friends whose values are already known to you if you’re choosing to be their friends. Ice theM out or accept them as they are. I am sure country club people are not the only people in your city.
Yuck. I’m sorry for you for whatever town you’re in. But I’d never in a million years join a country club – if I had 5 figures of money to spend, it’d go to a cause I care about, not sitting around with people who chose to spend it on…the country club. That inherently tells me our priorities aren’t aligned.
Are you church-goers? Mainline denominations are fairly liberal these days, while evangelicals are conservative. (We’ve actually left a church for being too left-leaning and too political. If you’re gonna preach politics from the pulpit, make sure your parishioners weren’t actually in the room where it happened and know more than you do about what you heard on MSNBC and that you’re not actually insulting them with your screed.) But churches are doing the good work that progressives care about – food pantries, winter shelters, coat drives, etc.
What about clubs? Running, hiking? Do you have a Y? Just because you’re well off doesn’t mean you don’t hang out with people of all incomes.
Oh, check out your local library programming too. Straight out of Stars Hollow, our library is a Victorian house, and they have musicians play on the porch once every couple weeks and everyone brings chairs and wine and cheese and crackers and hangs out on the lawn. Strangers beside you will share their cheese spread, “It’s a new recipe!”
The golf is your problem. People like us don’t golf because the culture of golf in the south is so regressive. We are at the evening Bible studies (not the daytime ones or the Sunday morning ones) and at rehearsals for various community music groups.
In the SEUS and I swear that our city’s public golf courses are very representative of our city as a whole. Black golf is a thing. Blue collar golf is a thing. Municipal courses are a thing. Driving ranges and a bucket of beers is a thing. Country clubs with 6-figure buyins are a whole other thing.
In a Midwest college town, and there is the same vibe around golf. Muni courses are very popular and where most kids learn to play. The surrounding small towns also have country clubs (I use this term EXTREMELY loosely) with courses for redneck golfing. The four big country clubs in town are on a different level and where you find the rich and the wannabe rich.
Every dude I know in the SEUS who golfs has a SAH wife and an extremely traditional attitude towards gender roles. This includes the dudes who golf at public courses. I don’t know any women under 60 who golfs.
Our high school has a girls golf team, and so did my hometown high school. I think that’s pretty common especially with the Title 9 laws requiring equal numbers of girls sports. A lot of the teen girls I know golf with their moms, although the kids typically got into it first.
Sports specific clubs. DH has a running club that’s mixed gender and non-political, he dropped a misogynistic hockey team.
Also, non-evangelical churches. Our Episcopalian church has groups which support our local food bank as well as conversation groups with English learners etc.
Your DH can be involved in the men’s service club or various other committees/groups even if not a regular Sunday service attendee.
We are at the Little League field, the school orchestra concert, and the playground lol. My husband wishes he could be at the golf course / country club half a mile from our house, but alas we are in kid land for the next 10-20 years.
My parents and sister live in a big Southern city and their local neighborhood association seems like your kind of people. That said, it’s a neighborhood association for a group of historic homes, so definitely more gay/liberal/eccentric than the usual crowd.
We’re just quieter. I belong to some clubs like that. There are always at least a few like minded people, probably close to your own age. Have you tried to connect with horse people? Or hardcore gardeners? There should be a horticulture society or home garden show organized by junior league. I’m not a horse person or much of a gardener but I tend to get along with those folks. Really anyone who gets their hands literally dirty. Not sure what that says about me!
The men you describe are usually drunk and always loud. Everyone politely ignores them and goes on with their day. I’m sure there’s more wink wink nudge nudge type “accepting” behavior when it’s an all male crowd, which is probably what your husband is reacting to.
My hunt club (for fox hunting with my horse) fits this. It’s no bastion of progressivism and I would not dream of broaching politics at the club, but it’s hard for a bunch of misogynistic dudes to suck up all the air when membership is 70% female, and we throw a great party. I can’t imagine this is the solution the OP is looking for, but social memberships are a thing…
My husband golfs so we did discuss joining the least exclusive of our local country clubs, but he decided it wasn’t worth it to him since we have a nice muni, and neither of us swim or play tennis. And now we have the hunt club anyway.
We are similar, and you seem to be describing a similar city to mine. I also struggle with this. Everyone here plays golf/tennis/pickleball. It doesn’t seem indicative of politics or anything. (Same with the way everyone in Denver seems to ski.)
Country clubs were created inherently to be elitist/racist. The idea was to have a private club so that the members could control who would be able to eat at the restaurant and who could spend time at the pool with their families. In the SEUS city I grew up in, the country clubs are still this way– except that originally Jews were also not allowed to go to the mainstream country clubs and that, at least, seems to have changed. Part of the reason the country clubs are still like this is that most of the municipalities have public pools, and it’s easy to play golf at public courses, so there’s no reason to join a country club unless you’re looking for a certain vibe.
In my current SEUS city, there are not really municipal pools. (Rather than integrating back in the day, the city just…. closed all of the pools.) So, most people with kids try to join a Swim/Tennis Club. Golf is easy to play publicly. Again, the people joining country clubs tend to join for a certain vibe. Not sure what the people w/o little kids are doing, but they are absolutely not at the pool.
Similar area, and if you’re looking for rich progressives, you’re going to need to love to Brookline or Manhattan.
The amount of racism and misogyny in my wealthy Ohio suburb is stunning. And what’s worse is that none of my white liberal mom friends are willing to say anything lest they be shunned. It’s so disheartening. I am a single mom who doesn’t belong anyway, so I don’t have advice but it’s depressing.
Join League of Women voters. Start now organizing and registering folks to vote and learn how to speak up effectively. You have power!
Thank you for living in Ohio. Good luck!
Would like the hive’s take on a conversation I had with my boyfriend last night. We are late twenties and have been talking about getting engaged this year, married a year or two after that. My boyfriend is on an H1B, and I have previously proposed that after engagement, we could get eloped at the courthouse with our parents to initiate the green card process, and not be dependent on throwing a huge wedding first. My boyfriend has been open but but noncommittal to that. More broadly, he’s always affirmed he wants to marry me, but previously would act anxious or like he’d want to push the timeline back later than I’d like, which hurt my feelings and we talked through.
Last night he came home after a meeting with an immigration attorney, who told him visa renewals currently have a 30% rejection rate under Trump, and that he should avoid leaving the country after September, which is when he’d need to go back to his home country to get his visa stamped again at the embassy.
My boyfriend came home and said “we need to talk, some plans have changed.” He basically said we should get courthouse married this year, and also that he would not be able to attend my August birthday trip to Fiji, among other things. My parents have already booked and paid for his flight and our hotels for Fiji (the four of us are going to Fiji together but my parents are paying), so I was caught off guard by this. We would be coming home August 25, which he said was too close to September, but then in the same breath said he would instead be going to his home country and returning August 20. I said it would hurt my feelings a lot if he bailed on this trip my parents had already paid for, and that I was confused why it was safe to travel to his home country and come back at a similar date. He said the mid-August would be fine, but late August wouldn’t. He also said “of course I’d put going home over this trip” which hurt but I didn’t go into.
Then we got to the marriage stuff, which I also just felt… used by? I’m talking about marriage, it’s always been me pushing for it and him acting avoidant and wanting to push it back. Then he finds out his visa might arbitrarily get rejected and comes home saying we’re getting married this year. I have also never been one to care about the romance or display of it all, and would be happy to elope. But I guess I wanted that conversation to look like something we decided together, versus having it sprung on me like that. I didn’t respond enthusiastically and I think indicated I was overwhelmed by all of it.
My boyfriend was obviously hurt, and said his mind is made up that he will take the 30% chance with the renewal. I tried to make clear that my offer to elope this year was still on the table, just that I wanted to be able to talk it through, but he said his decision not to was final. He did say that it hurt his feelings that my first impulse was to think about Fiji, and how that illustrates that I can never understand his experience and uncertainty as an immigrant. I clarified that I had been confused because the trip is before the September cut-off, and that also he was saying he could plan a trip to go to his home country in August instead. I tried to make clear I would never hold it against him if he canceled because it was actually unsafe to travel, but that the conversation didn’t make it clear that it was. I said that it didn’t feel fair to spring so much on me, and then when I responded without having all the information, make big generalizations about my ability to empathize. I said that of course he doesn’t need to come if it’s unsafe, and that the elopement offer this year is still on the table, but he firmly declined.
He’s now mad at me. I feel like I didn’t respond perfectly by any means last night, but that I also feel like a full person with my own feelings and needs, and that it didn’t feel like he was thinking of me and how I’d feel. I feel like he thinks because of the stress of dealing with this m, he gets to be the only one whose feelings matter. Whereas I am always there for him and want to support him in anyway, I also want my feelings and needs to still matter in the process.
I just feel sad now. I don’t know how long he’ll be mad at me, but he wouldn’t let me hug him goodnight last night. I don’t know how to navigate giving the awfulness of the immigration process the weight it deserves, while also still letting myself have grace in not responding perfectly every time and allowing myself to have feelings and needs of my own.
He sounds like a jerk.
You’ve had to push the marriage conversation, and he’s been pretty noncommital or happy to push it off until it suits him. I would be wary of the relationship based on the details you’ve shared here.
Obviously, this can’t be a one-and-done conversation, but if you’re getting even a whiff of him not caring about how his choices impact you, this is not a guy to marry.
Yeah, all the green card and immigration stuff aside, he wasn’t excited to marry you. DTMF.
Yup. Interested men pursue. This guy hasn’t pursued until his immigration status was on the line.
This is a crappy situation and my sympathies to both of you, but I’m on his side here. It’s terrifying when you have no control over your fate, and when your girlfriend’s first concern is about a vacation to Fiji, vs whether you’ll be able to stay in the country or be able to see your family again anytime soon, I absolutely understand why he’s mad at you. You are a person with feelings and needs, but sometimes you really just need to keep quiet them and be sympathetic to someone who’s dealing with someone worse, at least for a couple hours. I’m more sympathetic if you have genuine doubts about whether he wants to get married at all. I think you should think hard about that and make sure you’re not rushing into anything there, but complaining about a trip to Fiji just feels like a laughable luxury in the context of everything else going on right now.
I totally agree with this, but the back and forth about Fiji also was only a couple of lines. Like “I can’t make it to Fiji because I’m going home for 6 weeks instead.” “My parents have already booked your flight and the hotels. Could you do 5 weeks at home instead and still come on the trip?” I didn’t wail at him about it – just tried to emphasize that it wasn’t something to casually cancel. He said he couldn’t do less than 6 weeks at home. Then the conversation moved on to marriage and me trying to understand what the lawyer had told him.
Yeah, even though I side with him, I also think it’s fair that you didn’t react well in the moment to a sudden change in plans (I probably wouldn’t have either!). I’d just give you both some time to cool off, apologize profusely for being surprised and confused and reacting badly, and work out a plan from there. I’d also probably do some more research to make sure that he’s okay to leave the country at all, though I understand why he’d be more willing to take the risk to see his family than to go on vacation.
I agree she’s in the wrong about the Fiji vacation and should drop it, but “apologize profusely”? He’s been a total jerk too—demanding they get married after rejecting her for months, then flipping out when she wants to discuss it. And refusing to hug her? Unless they are both apologizing I don’t think this is a healthy relationship.
This. I am sure both of you could have reacted better (differently). I am sure he was extremely stressed about the news from his lawyer, and you were caught off guard by the sudden change in plans. I would try to have another conversation about this later today or this weekend now that you have both cooled off a little.
Like the previous Anon, I can also understand why he’d be more willing to take the risk to travel out of the country to see his family vs to go on vacation in Fiji with your parents.
She’s the one asking for advice, not him! I’d certainly hope that once she apologizes, he does as well. If he doubles down on being a jerk, that’s not the kind of person I’d want to marry. But I do think that she was more in the wrong, though it’s actually very understandable that they’re both under a lot of stress and struggling to react to the change in circumstances. I think even the best of people in the best relationship would be having a hard time here.
+1
I’m also on an H1B and the situation is beyond lousy. Rules change on a whim.
A Fiji vacation is a silly luxury when these kind of concerns are on the table. Getting the visa stamping done at the right time matters way more than anything else. Otherwise his career, legal presence in the US and everything else is in jeopardy. If his visa gets rejected or expired, you’ll be facing the decision to leave the US with him or ending the relationship.
There is no guarantee to be let back in when you only have a few weeks left even if the Visa has validity (ie in Sept when the H1B expires end of Sep)
“You are a person with feelings and needs, but sometimes you really just need to keep quiet them and be sympathetic to someone who’s dealing with someone worse, at least for a couple hours.”
This times a thousand. I’m married to somebody from another country (although he was born here, so doesn’t have the same immigration anxieties) and being on the other side of the world from your home and family is a BFD. It’s going to require a lot of empathy and understanding from you, if you guys choose to spend your lives together.
I agree with this. The Pod Save America guys have been telling a lot of stories of legal immigrants getting pushed around by the current administration and it’s horrible; I can’t even imagine how frustrating for both of you that it must be to say the least.
It sounds like it was very tough conversation, because this is a really tough situation which has really uncontrollable and uncertain forces looming over it. I’d give yourselves both grace regarding the conversation last night.
One thing that stood out to me is that it sounds like you had previously brought up the green card process in conjunction with talking about getting married, so I can imagine how he may not have realized that him bringing it up now in an urgent process might make you feel used.
Totally agree that you need to figure out if the feelings came out of sincere doubts or insecurity about the relationship, or frustration about the process/schedule not aligning to what you would both like. The next conversation with him and how you guys talk today may give a much better sense of whether or not you should move forward vs. last night.
totally disagree, a trip to Fiji is expensive and him bailing on a really generous vacation her parents planned for all 4 of them makes him look even less like the guy to marry. the few sentences they discussed sounds like a very reasonable discussion.
I think it would be helpful if you met with the immigration attorney. If you get married, you’ll be the one responsible for sponsoring him, and it’s a lot to take on (I sponsored my spouse.) I suspect the attorney told him “avoid leaving the country entirely, but especially after September” but he didn’t communicate that clearly.
I am also surprised he’s not up to a courthouse wedding, because in times like these it’s really the best choice.
I may have misunderstood, but it seemed to me that he is now into the courthouse wedding, just on a faster timeline than OP.
As an immigrant, WOW! He has NO idea if and when he can leave the US again to go visit his family in his home country. ANY travel he does right now has risks and has to be BEFORE sept and if you are allowed ONLY one trip in the forseeable future, of course you will choose to go home/see your family even if it is risky than go on a pleasure-vacation to f’ing Fiji! Yeah you are a whole person and have feelings and sorry to be rough, but it is incredibly out of touch and privileged to immediately think about YOUR vacation than the fact that if he loses a family member after sept, this would be his last (risky) chance to see them until who knows when!
Signed another immigrant dealing with this shit and Americans just dont seem to have an iota of real understanding of how beyond horrific it all is!
No, he has three other international trips planned with friends before August. One to Germany, two separate ones to Canada, then Fiji, then home. The only one cancelled is Fiji. The lawyer said he can travel as much as he wants before September and he isn’t taking any precautions with international travel before then.
It’s a matter of going for 6 weeks instead of 5 weeks. Not at all to say that the immigration process isn’t horrifying and I don’t want to get him off H1B as quickly as possible. Just that it isn’t go home or go to Fiji – it’s go home for 6 weeks and no Fiji or 5 weeks and Fiji.
you should’ve included all of this detail in your original post and people would likely be reacting very differently to what you are saying. there is a HUGE difference between going home vs. going to FIji (which is what your initial post sounded like) vs. going home for 5 vs. 6 weeks so he could still fulfill this other commitment to you. with this additional context and what you posted below regarding the lawyer’s advice, I would not marry this guy. Invite your best friend to join you and your family on a trip to Fiji bc he doesn’t sound worth it.
Honestly it doesn’t seem like he likes you or prioritizes you. The courthouse wedding is only to benefit him, and tbh it seems like you were a placeholder until he could find a culturally appropriate replacement but now he feels stuck with you because he wants to stay in the states
This is my take as well
This is my take too. Regardless of the vacations, if you two were already engaged and in the process of wedding planning, it would be one thing. I know a couple who got married at the courthouse for immigration purposes after they already had kids together. They were committed either way. This sounds like he is using you and was not committed previously. I’d move on.
+1. Sorry OP
Then yeah…something is going on with this guy and I probably wouldn’t try for marriage. I’m sorry. You haven’t done anything wrong and if he won’t accept your apology over the conversation, that’s on him.
it is clear from your post that you care deeply for him and about him. no one gets every single conversation right. he came home from a stressful meeting with A LOT of uncertainty in his life and he was responding to that as well.
regarding the courthouse wedding – ii’m a bit confused. it sounds like prior to this meeting with the attorney you’ve always said you could have a courthouse wedding bc of the immigration stuff and he has said no. Then suddenly he wants to have a courthouse wedding…but then is annoyed at you by your response and no longer wants to?
I’m also confused about the timeline – the attorney said he should not travel after September…but he also needs to return to his home country after September – – – how does that work? Can he get the Visa stamp during the August trip? And if he can’t, then what is the plan?
Yeah, so basically his visa stamp expires in September, so he has to go to the embassy in his home country after September to get a new stamp. He can’t get it before it expires. He was originally going to go in December and have it stamped, but the lawyer said not to leave the country at all after September, even to get the stamp, since it might get rejected and he won’t be able to come back in. So that plan would be no international travel until we get married and the green card is finalized. He apparently told his lawyer he has another path available, which was marriage to me, and the lawyer said take that path ASAP.
But then wont he be overstaying he Visa if he doesn’t go back after Sept to get a new stamp? And couldn’t that hurt him if he gets discovered, even if you get married?
There’s a lot going on here, but two phrases jumped out at me: “he wouldn’t let me hug him goodnight last night” and “he said his decision not to was final.” Those are not the actions and words of someone who is looking to resolve conflict in a respectful manner that maximizes the happiness of all parties. That on its own is a huge red flag to me and would make me reconsider whether I wanted to continue this relationship, let alone get more serious with this guy.
The right relationship isn’t this hard. And I don’t mean the immigration issues, which can and do happen to happy couples. But the decision whether to marry shouldn’t be reached on the basis of outside event like a change in a visa renewal. It especially concerns me that you keep repeating that the offer to elope is still on the table; it sounds like you are begging him to marry you. The dynamic between the two of you is all wrong and I think if you break up, it’ll be the best thing to happen to you.
Yeah, I agree with this. I think in the right relationship, this would be a conversation along the lines of “okay, what do *we* do now” rather than an argument – especially over a birthday trip! The bureaucracy and anxieties about this administration would be hard, but you’d easily be on the same page about them.
+1
Every single person on earth deserves someone who is *excited* to marry them. It doesn’t sound like he’s excited to spend the rest of his life with you. You shouldn’t settle for less.
Idk if I 100% agree with this. I can see where this could be really hard for a completely happy and compatible couple to plan their major life plans while navigating the current version of the immigration system. This version of the immigration system is cruel, rash, illogical, and does not respect the law or any regular processes. If you love and are trying to plan a life with someone who is in the immigration system, who may not be allowed in the country next time they leave or might be snatched off the street and sent to whatever country at any moment, that is going to be hard even in the right relationship and there are probably going to be some conversations that might not go well. I’m not saying that this is the case for OP (especially with the added details of the extra trips the bf is planning to take – those boggle my mind that he’s willing to take the risk on those). But I think the immigration issues are on the level of a major life thing that is uncontrollable and hard, which can be a challenge for even the most solid relationships.
I’m not sure I’m following whether he needs to go to his home country to renew his visa and the timing of that. I also feel for the immense stress he must be under and the confusion and hurt feelings about the Fiji trip seem normal and understandable on both sides and something you could work through if you were both willing to communicate. But, I think the bottom line is that you know he didn’t really want to marry you before and that he’s dealing with your communication issues in a very immature, passive aggressive way. To me, coming home and saying, actually we’re getting married now, and then when you express concern and a desire to talk about it further, flipping to, never mind and my decision’s final, is manipulative and a huge red flag. It’s hard, but you have time to find someone who’s enthusiastic about marrying you and is willing to work through challenges together.
He really shouldn’t leave the country right now. My husband has a green card and was advised not to leave the country for the time being by his attorney. I think the marriage thing is a very messy issue, but save your frustrations for that, not for him opting out of the Fiji trip.
the OP added more details, that he has 3 other international trips planned between now and then and that he could go home for 5 weeks instead of 6 weeks and still go to Fiji. My first reaction was like yours, like seeing his family is more important than Fiji….but if he is willing to take the risk with other trips and can still go see his family for 5 weeks, this guy is not committed to you. The writing is on the wall. I know it hurts OP, especially this far along into a relationship, but you should get out now
He sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you, but you prioritizing a birthday trip over him going home is pretty selfish too. Maybe the two of you are just not compatible.
I think a lot of people here don’t realize the immense uncertainty us immigrants are under, both green card holders, as well as those on advance parole or other types of visas. Did he react logically, probably not. However, knowing that leaving the country might very well mean that you can’t return is a very big deal. I’ve been there when I was on an H1B. I’m now a green card holder, and never thought I’d be in a position of insecurity around my immigration status again. All this to say, give it a few days. These are stressful times.
But if he’s going on 3 other international trips it’s not that he’s not leaving the country. I think he was stressed out and expressed himself
bluntly, but also if he wasn’t excited about a courtroom marriage before and now wants to do it that needs to be talked through
I dunno man, I live in a college town and most families we know have a non-citizen spouse and people are canceling trips out of the US left and right, including many white Europeans with greencards (which are much stronger than H1Bs) who won’t be flying home this summer to see family because they don’t think they can get back in the country. I sympathize with your boyfriend here. While I realize him not coming on the birthday trip is incredibly disappointing, I don’t think he’s bailing on the trip to Fiji because he wants to. It’s optional in a way that his trip home to renew his visa (presumably?) isn’t. I don’t think he’s being a jerk here, and based on how my friends and acquaintances are scared to leave the country, I’m not even convinced he’s being paranoid.
The marriage timeline is a more valid complaint and I see why you’re hurt that he was willing to move the timeline up when it more directly benefits him. But I will say I had to sort of push my husband into getting married earlier than he’d planned and it wasn’t about him not wanting to marry me, it was just sort of a different mental idea of the “right” time to get married. We’ve been happily married 20 years. If he’s otherwise a good partner who seems enthusiastic about the relationship and being with you, I probably wouldn’t read too much into this. Also the stress and chaos of the visa situation could make even the best person come across as short and insensitive.
Except he is going on other international trips and can go home for 5 weeks vs 6 weeks and do one week in Fiji. He sounds like a jerk who doesn’t want to marry her.
Ok I didn’t read all the replies. From the original post his stance about Fiji sounded reasonable. I agree if he’s going on other international vacations (not to his family) but won’t go to Fiji then it’s not an immigration issue and he’s being a jerk.
I do think a lot of people here don’t appreciate how terrifying and precarious the situation is even for legal immigrants though, and how many legal immigrants are not traveling for the foreseeable future.
He definitely sounds like he wants to marry her but not because he loves her!
So having read through your replies in the comments (about his other extensive travel plans) this just smells funny, and I don’t blame you for immediately spotting the logical issue of using this justification to cancel only your trip and not all the others.
your description of having to talk so long about setting a date to get married is just… not how it should be! and then for him to all of a sudden get on board with an elopement, at the same time that ish just got REAL on the immigration front, feels icky.
Yup, this. There’s a lot going on here, but bottom line is that he’s not committed until it suits him. That is not a good foundation for marriage.
A few things are clear to me from your post:
1.) You should not marry this man. You are not right for one another.
2.) He was correct that your instinct to discuss the Fiji trip so quickly after he told you what he learned from attorney was probably in poor taste.
3.) He is acting a bit petulant in response to this situation, which is unfair to you.
End it and move on, asap.
He puts in to the relationship only when he wants to get something out of it. That man isn’t marriage material.
having read all the comments — a) i don’t think you guys will be a good fit in the long run (if he will be a good fit for anyone because he sounds like a giant man baby), b) I don’t think you were wrong to bring up Fiji and logistics. that said — if it were me and I cared about him deeply, depending on his other issues for staying in the country, I might get married anyway but with a very clear prenup and expectations. how old are you? how many fertile years have you already given to this guy? if you’re considering getting married at all after all these comments I think you should talk to an immigration attorney by yourself so you know if/how quickly you can dump him if things go south.
I’m really sorry for both of you. I think you have to trust your intuition. You used words such as noncommittal, anxious and avoidant to describe his prior behavior regarding marriage. I would try my best to support him through this stressful time, but I would not get married until it felt right.
He’s using you for immigration status and being a jerk to you. Have fun in Fiji without him.
100%
This is a really difficult situation and both of you have good reasons to be frustrated.
H1B renewals at embassies are quite slow now, so planning a home trip for 6 weeks is actually very reasonable. Worrying about returning back to the US 5 days after that deadline is reasonable, given how capricious things are. Emphasizing his immigration status over a vacation is extremely reasonable. It’s scary as an immigrant right now (including valid visa holders) and maybe the stress is also affecting how he thinks or says things that aren’t entirely fair when you disagree.
I hope you can support each other and get through this.
If you share (commingle), I’d start thinking now about separating finances.
We have a pope!
I find the whole process fascinating. (I’m not Roman Catholic.) Really hoping for someone who can act, to the extent possible, as a countervailing force to rising extremism. There goes the plan to dig into the 212 page contract over lunch…
When will they announce it — the day is ending in VC.
Momentarily! I’m watching the Vatican News livestream on YouTube.
Soon but he has to be vested and there is paperwork! It usually takes less than an hour.
An American!!!!!! Was hoping for Tagle, but how incredible!
Leon XIV. Robert Prevost born in Chicago
The way I screamed! An American, what?!!!? But a Francis Cardinal!
Unfortunately a conservative one who has contributed to the abuse of children in the church by failing to address an abusive priest.
Is he conservative (by Catholic church standards)? Everything I read about him made me think he was not.
What I’ve read suggests he is — he was very against LGBTQ+ “lifestyles” and he enabled abuse in his diocese.
Perhaps he is different now. But he certainly was conservative in the past and that makes me not very hopeful or excited. I’m not Catholic, so this means something very different to me than to others. Still, a big voice for kindness and empathy would be nice.
What do you mean he enabled abuse? I am reading a NYT profile on him and there is nothing in it that would suggest it.
That’s my take as well. Also not Catholic, but hoping for a voice for kindness, empathy and equality, as well as willing to speak truth to power.
Would you share your sources? As a practicing Catholic, this is inconsistent when what I know of him, and what I have read of him recently. It feels a little like the typical anti-church reaction that the internet loves.
In 2000, he shielded an Augustinian priest who was accused of abuse.
And here’s one source (there are others). It —and the other sources I’ve read—cite some anti LGBTQ comments from 2012. Like I say, perhaps he’s different now. And again, what I hope is a voice of decency for all humans, even if it’s coming from an institution that is not mine and has elements that I personally find very troubling.
To the commenter that this is typical internet anti-church: I don’t doubt that there is some of that. But that’s not from me.
https://www.advocate.com/news/new-pope-elected-robert-prevost
Same.
Yes, conservative even by Catholic standards.
Wasn’t he the second least conservative that was a serious contender though?
yuck
Thank you for that scintillating and substantive contribution to our discourse
This is not accurate, at all. Read up on him.
It’s accurate. He’s Augustinian and anti-abortion and LGBTQ+ marriage. He might be softer on economic based social justice issues from his time in Peru but he also helped cover up an abu$ive priest. We need people who view it as the responsibility of every level to root out the rot or the abu$e issues will never end.
He was a Catholic cardinal; of course he is anti-abortion and anti-same gender marriage. That would be disqualifying for me in a political leader but is describes basically every cardinal who was eligible.
You can expect different levels of emphasis on the Church’s position on those issues; you can expect different rhetoric. But they are not going to elect someone who is throwing out centuries of canon law, particularly when that would be incredibly unpopular among most of the world’s Catholics.
+1 to 2:49. There was no question that the new Pope would uphold Catholic doctrine.
Fr James Martin, who is basically the poster child for advocating for LGBTQ+ rights in the church and really pushes the envelope has called him “a brilliant choice”.
And by taking the name Leo, he is signaling he cares about Catholic social teaching (justice)
This might be the stupidest comment on the internet today. By definition, the Pope is anti-abortion. It’s not like he was up against a pro-abortion, pro-LBTQ+ marriage competitor.
I did read up on him. There are some issues in his past around abuse and around an anti-LGBTQ stance.
Would you be willing to share your sources so I could read this, too?
Hi,
Yes — I responded to the above comment about sources, too, with one link (though there are others). It’s in mod; maybe it’ll come up later.
In the meantime, you can look at the Advocate, U.S. News and World Report, the Sri Lanka Guardian (for a non-Western perspective), and Newsweek.
CBS news reported that he’s a centrist with some conservative views (eg, not ordaining women, etc.)
Different anon, but it was in the all of the top few articles that came up when I googled him, including one from the NYT from a few days ago when they were speculating about his chances. It certainly doesn’t seem to be a big secret.
Here’s a solid summary of the concerns around his governance & handling of abuse allegations
https://www.pillarcatholic.com/p/why-prevosts-papal-prospects-prompt
Really glad that he is an inmigrant children who has lived more of his life abroad and that he is going to continue Franciscos work and legacy.
We’ll see, I guess.
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