Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Deco Flare Dress

193 Comments

1. Today is my birthday, and it’s the first one I’ve spent in this office. Office celebrations are set for Monday. Tradition is for the administrative assistant to make cake. When she’s asked me what kind I wanted, I’ve said that I’m trying to avoid sugar so I can squeeze into my wedding dress in the spring, so she should make whatever’s easiest or whatever other people’s favorite is. She just laughs and says I don’t need to lose weight. (I definitely need to lose weight.)

   Does it look passive-aggressive for me to bring a fruit tray on Monday? In Gretchen Rubin terms, I’m an abstainer, not a moderator, and I’m looking at this birthday as a good opportunity to set some new-for-me year resolutions about healthier habits. (And also, I’ve been weirdly emotional about this birthday, getting older, the passage of time, blah blah blah, and would love to have avoided acknowledgment of this birthday at work.) But I don’t want to accidentally act like a birthday betch.

   1. If you turn your fruit tray into fruit kabobs, it’s now a party tray and therefore not betchy.

      1. You could also give it the Edible Arrangements treatment, dip the strawberries in chocolate, or roll the fruit in coconut flakes to make it extra ‘festive’ (but still a heck of a lot healthier than cake).

   2. Eh. By bringing a fruit tray AND not accepting cake, you risk putting the emphasis on You and Your Needs and Healthy rather than the actual purpose of work birthdays – an excuse for everyone to take a break from their desks to gather and chat over a small piece of cake.

      I’d bring the fruit tray but ALSO accept the piece of cake graciously, take one bite, then add a bunch of fruit to your plate, and walk around and talk to people while eating only a few more bites of cake and lots of bites of fruit. Then proceed back to your desk with the half-eaten small piece of cake and bury it in the trash.

   3. Do you run the risk of offending your administrative assistant if she is going to the trouble to make a cake for your birthday and you’re not only not eating it, but bringing something for people to eat instead? To me, it would be different if she was just ordering a cake, but here she is making it for you. In a new office, I would just let it go and eat a small piece just to show you appreciate her making the effort to include you in the traditions.

      1. Agree with Care. Your admin is *making* a cake for your birthday. HR issues aside (is she hourly staff? is she paid for baking time?), it’s not cool to disrespect her time. Take a small slice, have a few bites, and thank her graciously. It’s not going to make a difference in how you look on your wedding day, but it is going to make a difference in how you’re perceived in your office. And not just by your admin.

         1. +A Lot

   4. I think it’s a little rude to not appreciate a birthday event someone’s planned for you, and that includes eating a few bites of the cake. It’s not that big a deal. It’s one day, and a few bites aren’t going to kill you. (And frankly, while you may be trying to lose weight for healthy reasons and you may be heavier than your doctor thinks you should be, saying you want to lose weight so you can squeeze into your wedding dress sounds superficial and shallow. Refusing to have even a single bite of cake on your birthday because of your upcoming wedding is quickly veering into bridezilla territory).

      1. Fair enough. At the risk of sounding defensive about the bridezillaism, the wedding dress I’ll wear in five months is less of a concern than the beach weekend next week and the (gold sequin!) MOH dress I’ll be wearing in January next to a lineup of skinny minnies. “I’m watching my weight, you know how weddings are!” seemed like an easy way to avoid being confronted with this thing I’m apparently pretty insecure about. And as mentioned above, birthday blues are hitting hard, and I was hoping to just avoid cake altogether and just raise our glasses over lunch at a restaurant.

         So: it’s not really about the dress. Bluff called. And comments appreciated, truly.

         1. I totally get feeling like this, but don’t let it keep you from enjoying that someone is doing something very nice for you. It sucks to feel insecure, but it’s more important to be gracious and make an effort to fit in with your office culture. Skip the birthday cake at all the birthdays going forward, but take the time to enjoy it (even if just a couple bites) on your birthday to show the person making it that you appreciate her efforts to include you. Maybe by next year you will have been there long enough to suggest something different.

         2. There’s no reason to feel insecure about your weight ever or to compare yourself to who you are standing next to, but I admit I do it too. I wish society would stop telling us otherwise. I just wanted to say have a wonderful birthday and if you want to eat cake, eat it, the whole slice if you want, but only if you want. Life is too short to not eat cake because of some ideal society says we should be.

            From an etiquette perspective I agree with the commenters who said if your coworker is baking you a cake, definitely eat a few bits

            1. This is so kind. Thanks for your warmth. And thanks to everyone for the words of wisdom — even you, dear “bridezilla” and “princess” grinches. As I navigate all the professional and personal rites of passage that have been cropping up this year (wedding! interviews! first post-law school jobs!), I’ve taken to heart so much of the advice offered from this community of movers and shakers.

               Again with the birthday maudlin stuff, maybe, or chalk it up to the upcoming holidays, but I sure am grateful! Raising a glass to/eating a slice of cake for you all.

         3. You’re beatiful, you know that, don’t you? It’s true.

   5. Though this is your first birthday in the office, have you been to the celebrations of others? If so, and the person being celebrated brings something to share, then bring the fruit tray.

      If it’s not typical for the celebrant to bring something or you haven’t been to an office birthday celebration yet, then don’t bring anything graciously accept the gift of cake being made for you. Take a teeeeeensy tiny piece, eat a bite or two, and then toss the rest when no one is looking or take the rest of the piece back to your office to “save for later.”

      I think this is a very know your office thing (aren’t they always?). Though I personally would way prefer fruit for a bday celebration, we have a very sweet admin that “insists” on making homemade cake. She would be very offended if I didn’t partake or brought my own something. However, she’s also pretty good about accommodating different dietary preferences. Though it’s always “cake,” she makes a sugar free version for a diabetic on our team, gluten free for celiac, etc. So I’m luckier than most for sure.

   6. If it was me, I’d just take a small slice of cake, eat a few bites, and be gracious. This one day will not make or break your fitting into your wedding dress or your plan for healthy living.

      1. Agree. Basic kindness to others after the admin is spending the time doing this.

         1. Lesson learned, thankfully from you wiser women before I learned it otherwise. I’ll stop protesting the cake, eat some on Monday, and be happy.

            1. Can you do something else to “make up for it”? Like some extra exercise, or other dietary changes that day? Even going for a walk would help both your mood and your weight loss efforts, the former being more important.

            2. Good on you, BB! And happy birthday!

      2. Have to agree. Get away with eating as little as you can and toss the rest. Add a little extra cardio time if you really feel the need but otherwise you can just adjust the rest of your diet accordingly.

      3. Agreed. You could also rave about it, not eat it all, and then if there are leftovers, conspicuously ask for another slice to eat later because it was so delicious. Which you can then hide/toss/bring home for your fiance.

   7. Why not get a wedding dress that fits you so you don’t have to “squeeze in”?Is this a crazy notion?

      1. doooode – be nice! a lot of us want to lose a few pounds before weddings and then get the fitting a bit smaller! it’s okay.

         1. It wasn’t mean to be cruel…but why do women get dresses smaller than they are? it makes no sense to me and leads to so much unnecessary dress and discomfort (hello corsets!)

            Just get a dress that actually fits you as you are and rock it.

            1. OP here — as explained above, the wedding dress line was an attempt at an easy out. I don’t disagree with you and don’t plan to do any actual squeezing. I’ve got a lovely dress that fits like a glove, but no tighter. For better or (clearly) for worse, there’s a lot more going on than just the dress thing.

            2. I know this sounds obnoxious, but I actually hate perpetuating the idea that women have to look a certain way to get married. I know that’s not what the OP is saying, but by acting as though it’s understood that losing weight and getting married go hand in hand, I think we’re just perpetuating that idea.

               Signed,
               Annoying Feminist

   8. Ugh. I get this, having been on a lot of elimination diets where I couldn’t eat this kind of stuff. I also a hobby cupcakerist and will sometimes bring sweets for birthdays, but only if they are wanted!

      If it’s just preference – take a small slice. Eat a bit or two, mingle, drink some water, cut the icing off with your fork, etc. A few bites of cake versus a plate of fruit won’t make a big difference calorically, and everybody will feel warm and fuzzy. If it’s your new office, just roll with it.

      My last job, my boss and I had the same birthday month. When we were asked what we wanted, we both said fruit – and they were happy to oblige! Though, the old admin (later moved in to another role) still loved to make cakes, and she did the Ina Garten coconut cake and it was amazinggggggggggggg…

   9. Omg princess get a grip. Yes it looks passive aggressive. Because it is. Say thank you, take a bite, and deal with it.

      1. This was rude.

         1. Maybe rude, but dead on IMHO.

      2. Princess wasn’t needed. she was gracious in the post and you could afford to be so as well.
         anonymous posting on the internet should not be synonymous with rudeness.

      3. Nope nope nope. The OP already tried to politely decline the offer of cake, that didn’t work, so now it’s an uncomfortable situation where the admin assistant is not only baking for people higher up the chain (I find this weird to begin with), but also not respecting the OP’s wishes. Not everyone likes having their birthdays celebrated, not everyone likes cake. I think OP can bring fruit and be gracious about it by accepting a small piece of the cake as well. No need to break out the attitude here.

   10. Happy birthday!

       I know you said your an abstainer but I agree with everyone else. Have a little bit of the cake. Or you could attend but not eat the cake if you really don’t want to, but I wouldn’t bring anything else in.

   11. I agree that you should graciously accept the cake and have a few bites. But I completely empathize with your desire not to have your birthday acknowledged at work. For some reason, I like to keep my birthday private at the office. It seems more special that way. I also feel like an obnoxious attention-seeking princess when people make a big deal out of my birthday at work, and I don’t like feeling that way. At my current office, there is an admin who keeps a list of birthdays and sometimes, but not always, announces birthdays or brings in a cake. I managed to get myself off that list by casually asking her during one of the celebrations, several weeks in advance of my birthday, whether my birthday was on her list and explaining that I am more comfortable keeping it private. I made sure to do this before she started planning anything and framed it in a way that made it sound sort of like she was conspiring with me to keep a fun secret, not like I was rejecting her efforts to plan a celebration. She was not offended and no one has ever found out about my birthday.

   12. I don’t mean to be a pile-on, but I really wanted to share this quote from “Eat Cake”, by Jeanne Ray:

       “Cakes have gotten a bad rap. People equate virtue with turning down dessert. There is always one person at the table who holds up her hand when I serve the cake. No, really, I couldn’t she says, and then gives her flat stomach a conspiratorial little pat. Everyone who is pressing a fork into that first tender layer looks at the person who declined the plate, and they all think, That person is better than I am. That person has discipline. But that isn’t a person with discipline; that is a person who has completely lost touch with joy. A slice of cake never made anybody fat. You don’t eat the whole cake. You don’t eat a cake every day of your life. You take the cake when it is offered because the cake is delicious. You have a slice of cake and what it reminds you of is someplace that’s safe, uncomplicated, without stress. A cake is a party, a birthday, a wedding. A cake is what’s served on the happiest days of your life. This is a story of how my life was saved by cake, so, of course, if sides are to be taken, I will always take the side of cake.”

       1. That is such a great quote.

       2. I love this quote. And I love cake!

       3. This bugs me a bit because I actually do not like cake (don’t care for pies either, don’t like most cookies) and it is really hard to say no without people jumping all over you. Sometimes it’s just easier to say I am on a diet than to explain to people that you don’t like baked goods. I have definitely done – many, many times – the “I’m carrying around this piece of cake, I cut some pieces with a fork, I ate one or two, now I’m surreptitiously putting it in the garbage under a napkin.”

          Anyway, my Private Pain of not liking cake.

          Signed,

          someone who has seven different flavors of ice cream in her freezer

          1. I have to agree with this. Before pregnancy, I didn’t have much of a sweet tooth. I liked cakes and desserts maybe 5 days of the month, and the rest of the time….another glass of wine? Sure! Post-dinner cheese course? Yes please! Guacamole? Bring it on! Dessert? Not so much. But when you refuse, people look at you like you’re on a diet, not enjoying yourself, and can’t fathom that you just don’t feel like sweets.

             Unfortunately, those days are over for me…

             1. I have a massive sweet-tooth, but I would love it if someone said they didn’t want birthday cake and would rather have chips, salsa, and guac for the celebration. Maybe offer to do something like that when someone offers to bring a sweet? You may have to bring it yourself the first time. Just because other people like sweets doesn’t mean they dislike variety and wouldn’t be happy to be celebrating in a different way.

       4. Thanks for sharing this! :)

   13. I think bringing the tray is too much and doesn’t look great, but in my last office we had a similar setup for birthdays (one person always baked and asked in advance what you’d like), and she was always happy to do a fruit tray herself in lieu of a baked good. Totally understood that it could be too late to put in an unexpected request (or maybe any request) for this year, but maybe worth keeping in mind for future birthdays.

       1. Just to add a humor to the thread. Early in my career my coworker drew my name for the birthday celebrations and then made a carrot cake from scratch. Of course I had to go on and on about how great it was even though I strongly dislike (more like hate) carrot cake. She had gone to so much effort and I was trying to be gracious. Well, she then drew my name for the next 10 YEARS and made me a carrot cake each year because “I loved it so much.” The year I left that job, at my going away party there was a huge carrot cake. Ha. I now make it perfectly clear to everyone that I don’t like carrot cake.

   14. Well, I’ll disagree with everyone.

       I eat zero grains as a weight & PCOS management tool. Absolutely zero (with maaaybe a tiny accidental bit of flour here or there in a sauce or soup). I have been perfectly strict about this for over 2 years. At my wedding, we cut the cake and my husband gave me a bite of the frosting only. Got the photo we wanted, and I still avoided the foods I avoid.

       I say you told her you don’t eat cake, so you don’t need to eat the cake! Thank her PROFUSELY, tell her how happy you are that everyone is celebrating, but I don’t think you need to force yourself to eat it. Personally I probably wouldn’t bring the fruit, but that’s just me.

       1. But your situation (PCOS management) is a health issue. Totally different.

          1. True, but I’ve never told anyone that’s the reason when I’m rejecting their baked goods.

       2. How is the zero grains thing working for you? I’ve been messing with different diets for PCOS. Do you also eat fruit, or keep low carb all around?

2. To everyone that mentioned Shoprunner to me a couple of days ago: if I use an American Express card to get free membership, do I have to make my purchases on that card? I have a rewards card that I love and my husband has an Amex in his name but I do not. I’d prefer to use my own card if I can.

   1. I don’t think so.

   2. Nope. You can use whatever card you want.

   3. Yes, whatever card you want. My husband uses my Amex card on Shoprunner. Note, however, that I get shipping notifications whenever he has purchased something using Shoprunner. I don’t know if there’s a way to control that, but just be warned that unless there is and you fix it, your husband will be getting advance notice of everything you buy.

   4. You do not, I will sometimes use a store branded card at a store that has shoprunner rather than my amex.

3. Someone in my cube farm office has been whistling my morning. It’s not my direct boss, but someone at that level, and I’m the youngest and most junior person in my office. Earplugs are not helping, and I don’t think there are any open desks far enough away from him. Do I just have to suck it up, or is there a polite way to ask him to stop?

   1. Death to public whistlers. Seriously this is the worst thing. I would try something like “Hey Sam – Not sure if you noticed, but you’re whistling! It makes it hard to concentrate, could you please stop?”

   2. Find the offender and politely ask him or her to stop. Immediately. I can’t stand office whistlers.

   3. My dad is a habitual whistler (of the same tune…over and over and over…) and it drives me up the wall. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it 75% of the time, but if I ask politely, he’ll knock it off. Not an office situation, but I think the same applies.

4. This dress is really cute.

   1. I agree… I’m not a dress wearer really but trying to come up with some good excuses to wear it.

   2. Agree – I really like this. I may have to go try it on this weekend…

   3. I love it and I want it and I would wear it allllll the time. Not in the budget for me right now, but I really hope someone else buys it and enjoys it!

   4. Love the dress and it’s so cute in the maternity version.

5. Wildkitten – Thanks for the ShePlans recommendation. I just ordered the to-do list planner, and I love it!

   1. Yay! Paper planners make me so happy.

      1. Can I piggyback on this? Any recs for an dated or undated weekly planner with wirebinding? I’m browsing Japanese stationary sites as we speak but thought I’d ask in case anyone had any shop/brand recs.

         1. She Plans and Emily Ley both have weekly versions.

         2. I have one from Rifle Paper Co that is great.

         3. Just saw one at Muji

         4. Where are you searching online?

            There is a Japanese bookstore chain called Kinokyuniya that has stores in major US cities. Now is the time to seek out Japanese planners, as they are usually sold staring in October for the following year.

            A few drawbacks are present. For example, the planners list holidays like the Emperor’s birthday and 3-5-7 day, but not all American holidays. Also, the lunar calendar is a day early. It took me a while to figure out why I kept missing local full moon bicycle rides using a Japanese planner.

      2. I’ve been using Passion Planner. I love it.

   2. Piggy-backing again–has anyone found a good planner for managing families/home?? A lot of the ones I have found seem to be geared more toward the SAH-types (with grocery, workout, errands, etc.). Although, if anyone has found that these are still helpful, I’m interested.

      I used a planner religiously in high school and college many many years ago, and have not used paper in forever. I would love to get back into it, because I’m a big list-person. I use evernote to make lists, and I keep my work calendar/personal calendar synced and on my phone, but I still feel like I’m missing some giant piece of coordination.

      1. My mother always ran our lives and her careers put of a pocket size Filofax. She’s a classy lady.

      2. Some families like the Cozi app.

      3. I run a job and a family using a Levenger Circa planner. It’s fantastic.

   3. Has anyone used the Day Designer? It keeps popping up as I’m stalking Dagne Dover purses. Considering the $59 price tag, it’s an investment for a planner.

6. A person close to me in emotion but who lives on the other coast is on the rocks with the husband. I don’t deny that there are issues, but he’s moved out so many times I’ve lost track. Which would be fine (well, not FINE) for grownups, but they have a several young children and an angry teen who get the revolving door angry daddy (per state law, unless you are divorced, you have a right to live in your home). I know what I would do if it were me, and I have no personal experience of divorce (but witness many divorced/divorcing people who do not seem to be this crazy). This is nuts, yes? Like at the far end of the spectrum of bad things people do (esp. where the kids seem to be getting the fallout)?

   1. It’s not good, but it’s definitely not at the far end of the spectrum of bad things people do. That seems to be a very privileged/sheltered person position to take.

      I’m sorry your friend and her kids are going through this, but seriously it could be way, way worse.

      1. Obviously worse (like 11:00 news worse), but the people who I know who have divorced have just gotten on with it and moved forward. This seems to be spiraling where I don’t see things improving (or it’s “Honey, when Daddy moves out for the Xth time, it’s time to file.”).

         1. Yeah lots of divorces donf go like that though.

         2. Yup. Sucks. Still common. I think especially when folks have kids they’ll try to “work on the marriage” a lot more times than if it’s just a couple splitting up.

         3. Yeah, I get that, but you’re making my point for me with the “the people who I know who have divorced…” You don’t know a representative sample of people, or the groups of people where more dysfunctional behavior is normal. You and the people you know have probably had a fairly stable family life in this regard and aren’t super aware of things that are really bad but also really common (and therefore not 11:00 newsworthy)

            1. That’s the thing — I used to work in family law and I think that b/c I see divorce as so normal (especially when the writing is on the wall, but even when it catches one party by surprise) that I’m surprised that people don’t just go ahead and get it over with. I think that putting the marriage behind you frees you to mentally move forward (and prevents things spiraling, often; sometimes not), and that’s for adult people. Never mind where there are children (and ones who are in the home still).

               The friend is from a more conservative religious background and stays at home, so I get the “you’re just pro divorce,” which is true (and no one ever sees that as a goal, just a reset button when the goal changes).

            2. Yes, I think everything you’re saying makes sense, and I think about it that way too. I also grew up in the kind of home you described that was turbulent from a protracted decline into eventual divorce, and this is fairly common in my family and in the social groups I knew growing up. People aren’t always thinking as clearly as you described above in those circumstances, and being extremely close to one of my parents who participated in such a thing, I kind of get why they did what they did. And it’s one of those things that doesn’t look crazy from the inside, but does from the outside. Not to say it’s always like that.

      2. Ugh. Could we have a privilege moratorium? This board is getting to the point where we shouldn’t complain about shoes b/c some people don’t even have feet.

         1. Sorry, I could have left out that word. I’m not complaining, I’m just answering her question that it’s really not at the far end of the spectrum, and it’s nice that she thinks it is, because it probably means she and the people she knows have had a nicer life. That’s a good thing. No complaining or judgment here.

            1. Gratitude helps us have a more balanced perspective.

         2. Hahaha thanks for this comment.

            1. +1

   2. I think it’s pretty common. Sucks, but common.

   3. Is he hitting her or the kids? If not, no this isn’t at the far spectrum. Turbulent marriages suck for kids and are also common.

      1. No (to my knowledge, but pretty sure no). That would be a bright line. It’s like at work: someone being a jerk is not actionable. Death of a thousand cuts while the kids watch when they aren’t being yelled at.

7. Has anyone gone from a firm practicing employment law to an in-house labor relations position? I am interested in your comments on the work, schedule, etc.

   1. I practiced strictly labor and employment and moved to a specialized in-house position in that same area.

      I love it. I was mostly litigating at the firm, so that came with a litigator’s schedule. Here, I get to leave at reasonable hours and I’ve worked on two weekends in the past year. I enjoy giving advice and counsel much more than litigating and I like being seen as a partner to the business. I also manage our employment litigation and respond to regulatory requests/investigations, although it’s not much.

      I’d say I’ve learned a lot more black-letter law since I’ve switched over. And it’s nice that there will always be employment/labor disputes, so it’s pretty good job security. The only down side to this position is that they hired me to reduce outside counsel costs, so I don’t like to use outside counsel for actual advice (they do run litigation) unless it’s absolutely necessary.

   2. I made the move earlier this year from an L&E firm to an in-house employment position (no traditional labor relations). The legal department’s hours (9-6:30/7) are longer than normal in my city (usually 9-5 or 5:30), but no weekends. I really enjoy the work, which is much more diverse than it was in private practice, in large part because I work at a global company. I personally wouldn’t enjoy a lot of traditional labor work, but that’s just me.

   3. I have experience with this as one of my good friends is an in-house labor relations counsel (we met while working together and she was in that role and I was employment counsel). Depends on the company, but if it’s pure LR you are probably on-call to go out to whatever location is organizing. My friend works at home until there’s an issue & then she’s on a plane in a matter of hours. It’s not a very predictable schedule and heavy on travel and long hours during a campaign, but shorter hours when there’s nothing going on. She loves it because it suits her lifestyle, but it’s definitely not for everyone and it’s quite a bit different from a “usual” in-house employment lawyer job that may touch on labor relations but doesn’t do that full time.

8. Seeking advice! I’ve been told at work in the past that I need to “smile more.” I recently started a new job, and a very high ranking person has twice called me out after a tense meeting and told me that he can’t read my expression and that he was concerned I was disapproving of him. I was surprised both times, because although he was sharing negative feedback — which isn’t the most comfortable situation in the world — I was genuinely interested in what he had to say and not feeling defensive. Both times, I was trying to relax my body language, but to no avail.

   Part of me resents the fact that I have to smile when I don’t feel like it. Work is sometimes stressful. Can’t I look thoughtful or serious when the situation calls for it? But I know this could be hurting me and giving people a negative perception of me. Do you have any practical advice?

   1. A gentle reference to Resting B*tchface?

      1. That’s what I thought too.

         A colleague gave me this tip: even if you are not smiling, slightly part your lips. It looks more natural and less b*tchy than when they are closed and flat, and people don’t react as strongly to the expression.

   2. Smile more. I get it, you shouldn’t have to, but you communicate with your face whether you want to or not, and yours ding helping now.

      Make an effort to relax your face and smile a little from time to time. Like how in boring classes you have an “I’m very interested in what you are saying but pls do not call on me” face.

      1. +1

   3. Spend some time finding a pleasantly neutral face in the mirror. DON’T feel like you have to actually “smile” more.

      My mother has terrifying Resting B-Face, but recently she has started overcompensating for it by having this bizarre, forced, insipid smile on her face sometimes. It is really weird and disconcerting, and I can’t imagine giving that look in a business meeting without looking like a huge creep.

      My advice would be to think more about eyes and cheeks than having a toothy smile. You know how your cheeks rise a little and your eyes squint a bit when you smile? See if you can do that a bit without actually smiling with your mouth. Also, when someone is talking in a meeting, try tilting your head a tiny bit and raising your eyebrows as an expression of interest, and nodding sometimes when appropriate. Basically, it sounds like maybe you could benefit from being more expressive – doesn’t necessarily have to be a smile, but rather showing with your face that you are engaged in the conversation.

      1. I LOL’d at the comments about your mom and I am pretty sure I have the same issue. One unforeseen benefit of it, I am super pregnant and other than one old man and a seven-year-old child, not a single person has asked me if I’m pregnant or commented on my pregnancy, much less tried to touch my stomach. Sometime being viewed as unapproachable has its benefits.

         1. Oh yes! As someone who is constantly being approached in parking lots and on street corners by people asking for bus fare, gas money, etc, I am very envious that those same people take one look at my mother and think, “Nope, no way.”

            My Resting Niceface ensures a steady stream of people sitting near me on public transportation, tourists asking for directions and if I’ll take their picture, strangers asking me to watching their child while they run to the bathroom (this has actually happened, several times) and creepy dudes telling me how pretty my smile is. (I assume these are the same dudes telling other women to smile more, so I’m reporting from other side that they will not leave you alone either way.) I don’t mind any of this that much, but sometimes I just want to be left alone! And I wish I had the power of RBF.

   4. I’m pretty sure asking someone to smile more if a passive form of sexual harassment. I doubt they ask guys at your office to smile more. This happened to me all the time when I waitressed and bartended, but I would be super put off if someone said it to me in a professional environment.

      1. By my reading of the original comment, I don’t think I agree (esp. in this context). It sounds more to me as though he was concerned that her neutral expression more veered here towards disapproval. Of him, of his comments, etc. It wasn’t the same as the creepy old man yelling “smile sweetheart” across a parking lot. I can imagine a similar comment being made to a male employee in this context.

      2. +1

   5. You could go around trying to smile at everything, but it seems silly and your management should know that they don’t have to rely on reading your facial expression to know your opinion. His insistence on you smiling while giving bad feedback makes him seem very self-conscious or worried – if he knows you will speak up when you want to say something, he’ll stop being so concerned. To me, him mentioning that he can’t read your expression means you should share what you are thinking verbally when he asks. So talk more.

      1. And also share when he doesn’t ask, of course!

   6. This has become a ‘thing’ to harp on in my office too. It makes me crazy because what the boss is really saying (in my experience) is that they are actually trying to get a rise out of me and they can’t tell if they’ve succeeded due to my super neutral face. Smile more is really saying, “react to me so I know I have influence.” Except they would fire me if I projected what my inner monologue was actually saying.

      /jaded biglaw analysis.

   7. I too have been told this; at work and socially. There was an instance once, professionally, where in a meeting with all men, to whom I was senior to mind you, I was told “I would love to play poker with you because you have no poker face”. After politely putting him in his place, I realized I do let my emotions, or lack there of, play out on my face. Botox helped. Relaxing when my inner dialog is going wild helped even more.

   8. When I’m in a serious meeting (so am not smiling) I still nod to show understanding/engagement.

   9. My first reaction was “ooh, sexist!” But it might just be that he wants you to signal support when he has to make tough calls in high-stress meetings. Not unreasonable. Focus on him when he is talking. If he makes eye contact with you, nod affirmingly, look attentive, smile a little if you can do it in a natural way.

9. I *love* Chelsea boots – is there any way to style them so they can work in a business casual environment?

   1. How about ponte cigarette pants?

   2. I love wearing them with skirts and dresses.

   3. In moderation, but I love them with skinny ponte pants.

      1. I know tights would work for skirts and dresses, but what do you put under the boots if you’re wearing ponte pants? And how do you avoid cold ankles as the weather gets colder? I would LOVE styling suggestions/links for an older (age >35) person to wear them, as I feel like all the styling I see only works on the very young.

         1. …socks? (ones that are shorter than the boot obviously)

   4. Check out youlookfab – Angie recently had a couple of great suggestions for how to style Chelsea boots

10. I really prefer paper planners, but for work everything needs to be on Outlook so that meeting don’t overlap, etc.

    Has anyone successfully used a paper planner, while using outlook for work? It just ends up being so much easier to put everything in my work calendar.

    1. I have a paper monthly calendar where I note personal appointments, work and personal travel, and kid and family events. I bring this calendar to meetings so I can easily see what days I’m in the office (so as to avoid committing to deadlines I can’t meet) and when I’m available to travel (many of my meetings seem to involve travel planning). I find it difficult and awkward to see the big picture in Outlook on my phone.

       I also keep track of all of the above items, plus work meetings, in Outlook. Long ago I briefly tried keeping a daily paper planner in addition to using Outlook, but that proved to be impracticable.

    2. I have the same situation. I put every obligation in outlook and expect my direct reports to do so as well, and it’s generally practiced by all staff here. I like the paper planner for the big overview and for writing personal notes, goals, and reminders. I use a weekly/monthly planner. I put big events on the month page, things like all-day meetings, conferences, time away, events that require my presence for multiple hours. I use the weekly pages for to-do lists, both personal and professional, or to list major priorities for the day – I get the kind of planner that just has a big block for each day, not a timed day scheduled. I am not a big user of the Outlook task function and prefer to do that on my paper planner.

    3. I use outlook to schedule all my work obligations, and generally if I have plans on a work night so I remember to leave at an appropriate time. I then use my levenger monthly dividers to plan the rest of my life – worknight events, yoga, birthdays, vacation, etc. And then each day I write out my schedule for the day on an emergent task planner so that I fit my to do list in between my meetings, but am going to use my ShePlans to do list planner next year for this same purpose. (I love planners.)

11. Shopping for a grown-up bed for the first time ever. Is it still possible to buy an all-wood bed from a regular retailer, or should I limit my search to antique shops? Also, have footboards gone out of style? It’s so weird to me to see so many stores hawking beds without footboards–I would imagine that the blankets would slide off an active sleeper . . .

    1. Also I LOVE the deco print but wish the dress had sleeves.

    2. Yes, it is possible, but you will primarily need to look at higher end retailers probably to find all wood frames. And yes, I do think footboards have gone out of style a bit – probably several reasons – space, cost, and the styles have been much more simple lately (so like a simple upholstered cover a la pottery barn versus a giant sleigh bed).

    3. Have you look at traditional furniture stores- they have lots of wooden beds with headboards and footboards. Your local independent furniture retailer will have a variety of brands. Thomasville, Ethan Allen, etc. We have a Broughton Hall bedroom suite and really like it.

    4. What city are you in?

    5. Wait… THAT is the purpose of a footboard??

       1. In my house they serve as a clotheshorse.

    6. Yes, there are tons of stores that sell beds made of wood – Room & Board, Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, Pampanoosuc Mills, etc. Even Ikea sells wood beds (like the Hemnes). I don’t see how blankets would slide off you without a footboard, though. I hate footboards, I think they are for very short people.

    7. I’m pretty sure even ikea do all wood beds.

       1. I think she’s talking about solid wood beds, not pressboard. I’m thinking you need to look at Drexel Heritage, Thomasville, Henredon, etc. or Ethan Allen.

          1. They have non-pressboard furniture. Lots of stuff made out of solid pine.

             1. Huh, I had no idea. I just associate Ikea immediately with pressboard and veneers. Nothing wrong with it at all (I’ve got plenty of it in my house). Just didn’t think they sold any solid wood pieces.

             2. http://www.ikea.com/us/en/search/?query=solid+wood

             3. Including the Hemnes range which I love.

    8. When you say all wood, do you mean no veneers, or just no particle board? I love my Drexel Heritage bed, which is all wood with high-quality veneers on parts of the head board and foot board. A good friend bought a gorgeous oak bed from an Amish company, with the purchase arranged through a local furniture shop. I usually hate oak furniture, but this was beautiful. All wood, no veneers, no particle board. Both she and I spent several thousand dollars.

       1. We had this issue – wanted solid wood, not pressed-board/veneer, and we found that there were several local shops that carried “hardwood furniture”. You might want to check your local listings, as we found that they carried pieces from lots of small vendors, could customize in many ways, etc. I had no idea those places existed before we started hunting. We lived in the DC Area, BTW.

       2. Ah, thank you all for the quick and helpful responses!

          Yes, I’m talking solid wood–no veneers, no pressboard. Just a personal preference (unless there’s some reason in favor of nice veneers? It seems like often the costs are comparable). I’m in Pennsylvania, so it seems there might be some options in the Amish areas near me–a lot of their stuff is still *super* traditional but I’ve seen a few with more streamlined/classic designs that I like.

          And ha, no, I don’t actually know what the purpose is of a footboard (probably more decorative than functional?). But I’m so used to them that beds without seem unfinished, even the beautifully made-up beds I see from modern retailers.

          1. IIRC, the veneers were used because of the particular wood grain pattern on them. Using solid wood with that particular wood grain for those portions would have been prohibitively expensive (for our budget), so the wood veneers are overlaid on a hardwood that has a less aesthetically pleasing grain. Or something like that. I originally wanted to avoid them, too, but I have been happy with the quality and appearance so far (5+ years).

    9. All footboards do for me is give me bruises on my legs when I try and get around them. I have enough black and blues from Crossfit and varicose veins. No thanks!

    10. check out Room and Board. I love their furniture.

12. I recently saw Wait Until Dark (Audrey Hepburn movie; highly recommend). And now I want All Her Boots. Any thoughts on skinny-calf boots that have lower heels (so not 3″ but around 2″) but aren’t flat (black might be OK but I would like some colors)?

    1. no boot recommendations, but just wanted to say that i LOVE that movie

13. 1 found 2 pairs of shoes at our local Plato’s Closet the other day: unworn Vionic flats ($8), and unworn Ecco flats ($10). I paid about 6% of the ARV for these shoes. Score.

    1. That is a score. I just got a pair of Vionic wedges and am thinking I need them in another color.

    2. I just bought vionic booties and LOVE them. I paid more than $8, alas.

14. I am really amped about a job in academia after life in big law. Are there any other JD-preferred jobs out there I should be looking at?

    And ArenKay — thank you so much for the suggestions yesterday on applying!

    1. Compliance and regulatory work? Banking, food/drug/device industries, environmental impact, government affair positions, etc. You have to deal with Agency statute and regulations, but isn’t necessarily the practice of law.

    2. Title X coordinator, Title IV coordinator, institutional equity jobs, employment/discrimination investigator positions, compliance roles, government affairs… Check out the NACUA career center..

       1. Title IX, not Title X!

    3. You’re welcome! If you’re in a state capital, good jobs in legislature support, policy organizations. I have a few friends doing that, and they love it.

15. I would like to do an experience gift for Christmas for a couple with a 1.5 yr old who live in the DC-northern Virginia area (I know that is a huge area, but I don’t have my address list at work and can’t figure out which suburb exactly). I was thinking like a membership of some kind that they could enjoy throughout the year. Ideas?

    1. The National Zoo – you could get them a FONZ membership, which comes with parking benefits, I think.

       1. Sorry– meant to add it also gets them access to special events, including ones where the kids can get closer to the animals, and they have a small group of farm animals the 1.5 year old might like even if nothing else is of interest yet.

       2. I would want this for my family with 5- and 7-y/o if we lived closer. This is a great idea.

       3. The National Zoo is fantastic. I second this.

    2. The zoo is awesome, but I would do a google map to figure out how close they live to the zoo. As you correctly point out, the DC metro area is really big and traffic can be bad esp. on weekends. With a 1.5 year old, proximity is everything bc of their attention span, nap schedule, etc.. If it’s too far away/inconvenient for them, they won’t go often.

       1. If they are not close to downtown, check out how close they are to Dulles. A membership at the Smithsonian Air & Space museum has benefits to the amazing Udvar-Hazy center out there.

    3. I live in DC and have kids and I absolutely think a FONZ membership is great. Everyone goes to the zoo at least once a year if not more. I also like the idea of a Smithsonian membership.

    4. I don’t live in the DC area but wanted to add that this is a great idea. We have 2 kids and have memberships at the zoo, science center and botanical garden. Other suggestions would be bounce places, toddler art or music classes, or other events. As a parent these are the best gifts because you don’t feel you have to stay at the zoo 8 hours to get your money worth and makes it so much more relaxed and enjoyable.

16. I’m going to apply for summer internships for consulting this cycle. If I don’t get an offer from a particular firm, will it harm my efforts to apply for a full time job at that firm when I apply next fall?

    1. I don’t think so. I’m not in consulting but a few friends are and some of them got full-time offers from places that had turned them down for summer slots.

    2. No, it won’t. If anything, it will be considered a positive sign of your interest in the company.
       (I worked at a big three firm, now work and do interviews at a smaller firm.)

       1. Can you say which big three firm? I heard that McKinsey in particular is inclined to do this, but it’s unclear to me whether applying two cycles in a row if the first of those is for an internship would yield a problem.

    3. If you are a good candidate, no, it wont, for two reasons:
       1) There can be less internship spots than full time. Sometimes there are not enough internship spots for everyone we want. In this case, we hope to get the person in full time recruiting.
       2) There are people who are just not quite ready for consulting during internship interviews. Often the year between gives you a chance to develop into a better candidate.

17. First, I wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions the other day on what to wear. I ordered several dresses to try (hopefully a couple of them will work) based on the links and comments. I also wanted to share that 6pm . com has some real steals on great cocktail, formal, and going out type dresses from Adrianna Papell, especially in plus sizes, which I know rarely happens. I’ll share a couple links in case anyone is interested.

    1. http://www.6pm.com/adrianna-papell-plus-size-pleats-detail-fit-flare-purple-black

       http://www.6pm.com/adrianna-papell-plus-size-banded-deco-dress-black

       http://www.6pm.com/adrianna-papell-net-tulle-w-dots-fit-flare-dress-black

       http://www.6pm.com/adrianna-papell-bond-jersey-dress-with-cross-back-detail-teal-crush

18. I received an informal job offer during a coffee meeting and I wasn’t expecting it at all. Trouble is – it’s in the old division that I just left and it would mean going back to that group in a more senior role (i.e., out ranking my old peers). It would be tough and frankly, we want to have kids soon so I’m not sure it’s a good idea. On the other hand, it’s a role that’s custom built for me and sounds exciting (travel and high level meetings). Thoughts on how to weigh the pros / cons?

    1. It sounds like you want it and it’s a good career move. I think you should take it and find ways to manage the other issues (like out ranking your peers) and cross the how to manage while having kids bridge when you come to it. I’m sure you can make it work for you. Congratulations!

       1. +1

    2. I see so many women express reluctance to take on senior roles because of (1) discomfort with being powerful and (2) fear of being able to balance work and family, even before they have kids. I really want to encourage you to fight both of these instincts. The first is just wrong – don’t hold yourself back so others don’t feel badly about themselves. Believe me, other people won’t do that for you. The second may well be wrong too and there is no way to know until you have tried being a senior person with kids. Having kids is always different than you expect – harder in some ways, easier in others. Wait until you know what it is like for you before you try to adapt to it. Also, being more senior can actually be easier in some ways with kids – other people work around your needs and your schedule more often. I have found this in my career for sure. Good luck and congratulations!

       1. +1

       2. agree 100%. When you are senior enough, you can manage around your lifestyle. I’m on the leadership team for my company (team of 5, only female, i’m 32 and 10+ years younger than everyone else). I simply tell them i cannot travel when i really, truely cannot travel. I also spend money (of which i make a lot more than I used to) on outsourced help to enable my travel when I can do it.

          My hours are long, but they can flex.

    3. Congratulations!

       Sounds like a classic Lean In moment. “Want to have kids soon” means you’re at minimum 9 months away from kids. Do it!

    4. Thanks for all of the support! But now I’m wondering if the facts change the advice at all – if I know we’ll be doing infertility treatments of some kind (prob IVF) would that change anything? I’ve heard some advice to scale back before that – but I also don’t want to keep putting life on hold.

       1. Doesn’t change a thing at all to me.

       2. I don’t have any personal experience with IVF, but my closest friend worked full time through a very demanding job and found it quite doable. I think she felt that going full steam ahead through that and her pregnancy put her in a more comfortable position to balance work and family by the time her kid was born.

       3. I’ve done IVF while dealing with both stressful and less stressful work situations (same job, just different waves of busyness). It’s hard to do IVF when you’re traveling or have a lot of work obligations. You can do it (less so with travel) but it’s stressful. Still, I wouldn’t have turned down a dream job over it. I’d just be aware that it’s going to take some work/compromise. Bear in mind that you really can’t travel for 2-3 weeks of each month you’re doing IVF — and that you may have to find the right month to do it (physically) and that means a lot of unpredictability. I found it stressful that my boss would keep asking me to commit to business trips when I knew that it would interfere with our IVF if we had a particularly good follicle count that month. In the end, I just told my boss about the IVF and asked for flexibility when I needed it.

       4. A year ago, I chose to pursue a less-demanding job because I was starting IVF. My first two attempts at IVF have failed (a fresh cycle plus an FET), and now I’m really bored and frustrated at work. I’m actively interviewing to find something that’s a better fit, while also actively preparing for another IVF cycle. If I knew then what I know now, I would have chosen to stay in a more achievement/career-advancing role.

          With the protocol I was on, I had a great deal of control over which 2-3 weeks were crazy. But once they began, I had very little control over when I needed to be at the doctor’s office. (They do try to be as accommodating as possible, but there is only minimal flexibility for the scheduling of most procedures.) Like Batgirl, I told my boss about the IVF, and I found that she was very supportive.

    5. There are reasons not to take a job, but being afraid to outrank your peers is not a very good reason.

19. Just found out I’m newly pregnant…right in the midst of holiday parties. What is the best way to secretly not drink? So far I was thinking at my in-laws the easiest thing would be to accept a glass of wine and carry it around without drinking it. For people who want to “meet for a drink” I thought about just ordering a fancy NA drink and saying I’m trying to cut back around the holidays. I feel like normally this wouldn’t be a big deal but there are just so many parties right now! Plus, we’re going away this weekend with three other couples and we always spend the weekend having beers…not sure how I’m going to get around this one other than, maybe, “I’m not feeling well”? I’m sure I’m overthinking.

    1. For parties with friends or co-workers, I’d say you had a heavy night the night before so you’re laying off today, or that you’re exhausted and need to drink coffee instead (I know some pregnant women won’t drink caffeine either, in which case this obviously won’t work). For family gatherings, you might consider telling your parents and in-laws that you’re newly pregnant and don’t yet want to tell other family members, in which case I’m sure they’d help you dodge the alcohol awkwardness.

    2. You can order from the bar (and/or tip the bar tender off ahead of time to discretely make your drinks N/A) and order a club soda with lime. Also, if it is during the day, tell them you are avoiding day drinking/want to pace yourself/are hungover from last night and will wait until that night to order a drink (it will minimize having to make excuses at least). I also told people I had cut out drinking during the week a couple times to avoid notice (this is something I actually did before I was pregnant). If you are at someone’s house, I would accept the drink and walk around with it then dump it in the bathroom sink. I would avoid meeting for a drink – it’s less likely someone will notice you aren’t drinking if it isn’t one-on-one.

    3. There were some ideas on Kat’s post about overachieving women and drinking. But I think your choices are:
       1) Carry around drink and don’t drink it, as you said
       2) Someone posted idea – team up (with your husband/partner) both of you take the same drink. He drinks half and then you surreptitiously switch glasses and it looks like you drank half…
       3) Claim dieting, claim taking meds that interact, claim drank too much last weekend
       4) Someone also said dark beer bottles make it hard to tell how much has been drunk. Plus if you’re going away, you should have access to kitchen/bathroom sink and can pour some down the drain when no one is looking

       1. +1 on dark beer bottle! An Amstel Light has a pretty puny amount of alcohol in it, I survived a first-trimester work party by taking “swigs” all night that amounted to about a third of one beer (and weirdly it helped with my nausea). Fooled my entire shots-loving department. The no sushi a week later when we went to dinner with friends, though – totally gave it away.

    4. seltzer with a lime. Looks like vodka tonic.

    5. Thank you – these are all great suggestions! That makes me feel way better. I have the worst poker face in the world so I was envisioning myself drinking a soda and someone coming over to start talking to me and I blurt out, I’M PREGNANT even though they were about to ask me an unrelated question.

       1. Ha, this is me! I’m 9 weeks tomorrow and way more people know than should. And not because they guessed.

       2. Sparkling grape juice!

20. at parties, club soda and lime. people won’t notice and if they do say you are pacing yourself.

    with friends who pay attention, if you really need to lie convincingly, say “I’m getting over sinus infection and can’t drink with this antibiotic.” Or you could just keep a suspicious silence on the topic and let everyone guess like they usually do.

21. I love this dress. Has anyone seen anything similar in a brand available in the UK?

22. Following up on my post a few weeks ago to thank everyone for the excellent advice about what to wear at an important meeting in London presided over by HRH Prince Philip.

    At T-1 week, after ordering and returning heaps of clothing, I got myself over to a Nordstrom personal stylist who set me up with a Hugo Boss sheath dress (knit, no wrinkles, yay!), a black Theory suit, and a Joie silk blouse. These looked great with the Cole Haan heels I had picked up at the Nordstrom clearance sale. I spent way more than I expected to (in academia, not know for big salaries or sartorial flair), but am delighted to have clothing that is appropriate for big meetings and presentations.

    When I was chairing a session involving the head of a major foundation, the VP of a major NGO, and two other very senior people, I remembered the advice of a ‘r e t t e about what to wear: “If you’re important enough to be at this meeting, you should be wearing a suit like the men will be.” Yes, everyone at the table was wearing a suit, and I was glad to be properly dressed.

    Many thanks, wise ‘r e t t e s!!!

Comments are closed.