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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Scuba Pencil Skirt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. seamed-scuba-skirt-loft-2Reader W writes in to recommend this skirt, noting: “It's simple and elegant with vivid color choices, beautiful red and teal for the fall. The seams on the side give a flattering fit. The fabric is soft, drapes well and does not seem to wrinkle easily. And it's lined and in both regular and petite sizes.” Nice! It's available in straight and “curvy” versions in regular, petite, and tall sizes for $69.50 (full price), available online exclusively at Loft.com. Seamed Scuba Pencil Skirt Update: The “curvy” style is now 40% off with code GAMEON, and the straight style is 40% off (same code) with an extra 60% off the online-only navy. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

451 Comments

  1. What do you do when you get bored at work but still have to be present until the day ends?

    1. Little things I’ve been putting off that don’t require a lot of focus or motivation. File or email organization. Scanning and uploading documents. Reviewing my task list.

      1. Yay! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and the “curvey version” of this fruegel pencil skirt! Great Pick, Kat, b/c I LOVE Pencil Skirt’s and I have the tuchus issue to deal with which OFTEN make’s pencil skirt’s very DIFFICULT to wear. Think A line dresses for peeople like me! FOOEY!

        As for the OP, I usueally get on to CORPORETTE when I am bored. The manageing partner can NOT tell what I am doeing, b/c my monitor faces me and I face the door, so the screen is NOT visibel unless he comes in to read OVER my shoulder. So he just think’s I am BUSY cutting and pasteing and typeing away on my breif’s, or entering my billeing’s! So the HIVE gets to get my view’s! Unfortunateley, I have been so busy lately that I have NOT been abel to read everyone’s coments on every post like I used to. DOUBEL FOOEY! I hope the HIVE has a great weekend, and stay’s dry! YAY!!!!!!!!

    2. Ahh lately this is every day for me. Mostly just poke around the internet, plan hypothetical vacations, read this s!te…

    3. Isn’t it a little early to be asking this question? (Kidding, I completely identify this morning.) TGIF!

    4. Clean up my desk. Organize file drawers. Time-sucking admin tasks. Work plan for the next day. Try and come up with a reason for a last-minute networky and/or long-range planning coffee meeting with someone at 2:30pm.

    5. I’m having one of those days. I’ve done some planning for next week, tidied up my desk, ran some errands at lunch, and cleaned out my inbox. I’m just really unfocused today which is annoying b/c if I had a productive day, I could have worked a half day on Sunday rather than a full day. Have 2.5 hours until home time so I’m going to try and get one project off my list.

    6. Pretend the NY Times is really a work website, listen to podcasts discreetly (no different than listen to music), talk to every coworker who looks remotely interested – which can be a lot on a friday afternoon

    8. I feel like this is good type of day to do that stuff that we should theoretically be doing on a daily/weekly basis but always gets de-prioritized in order to focus on more pressing projects.
      At my work, that could mean:
      dialing into a learning webinar to learn more about the industry (still productive in terms of building knowledge and ideally somewhat interesting to you)
      filling out a professional development reflection;
      emailing senior people you’d like have a coffee chat with;
      actually taking the time to submit expenses properly rather than the mad dash before the deadline;
      googling the h*ck out of your company’s history and what it’s been in the new for lately;
      exploring your “employee benefits” to see if there are cool discounts or something you didn’t know about befofore

    9. Answer all those “when I have time” emails.
      File expenses
      Organize documents in folders
      Cleanup my folders from all the intermediate versions of deliverables I had (funny how I found a v24 of a document this morning)
      Pay my bills online

    10. It’s 10am and I’ve already done everything I need to do for the day…this is going to be a long Friday.

    11. I plan my meals for the week. Download recipes and make the grocery list. It takes me at least an hour or more. And that’s one extra hour I don’t have to “waste” on the weekend.

      I also make “to-do” lists for my personal life.

    12. My work has been crazy slow lately. I’ve been coming here, Ask a Manager, and doing CLEs. Although now I’ve completed my CLE requirement for this period and I think I’ve hit the maximum number of credits that I can carry over to the next one.

      I’ve also been working out all the details for my Halloween party.

  2. I posted last week about a weekend travel bag, just got this Cuyana bag and I really like it! It’s super roomy and easily fits a weekend’s worth of stuff. The canvas is think and seems like it’ll be really durable and I love the leather accets. It’s kind of like a cross between a tote and a duffel.

    https://www.cuyana.com/le-sud-overnight.html#navy-black

    1. Awesome! I just put in my first Cuyana order last week … can’t wait!

      1. This was my first Cuyana order! So far I’m impressed, definitely good quality and it shipped so fast.

    2. I love that brand – I just got the structured work tote and love it. It’s big enough to fit my laptop, but not so big that it looks like I’m dragging a giant work bag if I go out to dinner. Also have the unstructured zip top – had some issues w the leather inside leaving little bits on my stuff when it was new, but I like the size of that for travel (way less bulky and fits the same amount of stuff as the omg)

  3. Speaking of first orders, I am so pumped to receive my bento this weekend from Mme LaFleur. It’s like Christmas! Hoping the jardigan is sent, and also hoping it’s the solution to all my topper problems as of late.

    1. I have worn a different black sweater / sweater jacket the 3 days this week I wasn’t on travel. And I also own a black jardigan. If they made a winter-weight jardigan (or something slightly longer with full sleeves), I would also get that.

    2. This might be a stupid question… but how do you pronounce the name of that brand?

        1. True. But the brand is actually MM. LaFleur, not Mme. There was a typo or error above.

          2. If you didn’t take French in school, fleur can be pronounced like ‘flurr’ in flurry.

    3. Question for OP or anyone else who has tried the Bento Box: why did you go for that, instead of picking out clothes from their collection yourself? Especially if you already have a preference (i.e. Hoping they send the jardigan)? I understand shopping services that pull from multiple brands and stores, but when it’s all just from MM LaFleur and they have a rather small collection as it is, why didn’t you just pick out the clothes you thought you would like?

      Definitely not judging, I’m just legitimately curious.

      2. I tried the Bento because I otherwise didn’t know where to start. I thought if the stylist could use my questionnaire to select clothes, she would probably do a better job than I would, since she probably knew their clothes better. And if I remember correctly, they only charged for the items I kept (rather than paying for every item and then returning– but I could be wrong about that).

      3. I hate shopping and and I don’t have time to go to a store to try stuff on and then make another trip to return it. I was interested in the Netflix-like approach – I put in preferences and they send me stuff that they think fits those preferences. It’s interesting to have someone else shop for your expressed tastes, and I think I might get something in the box I wouldn’t normally purchase for myself (again, hate shopping, so it’s usually clearance rack low-commitment pieces or the same BR suiting that I always buy.) Mme LaFleur has gotten rave reviews on this site, and I saw no downside in giving it a try.

        Re: the jardigan – same thing, it gets great reviews here, but based on my prefs I wanted to see what they’d choose for me. Also, I didn’t know how to pick certain pieces when I first visited their s!te and just kinda went for it!

    4. I know this is my own problem to get over, but I really hate the word jardigan. It sounds weird to me and also reminds me of jeggings, and the first time I saw it I had no idea what it was supposed to mean.

  4. Anyone have a favorite pair of Danskos? I’m shopping for a pair to wear to work and am having trouble deciding which style is the least unattractive.

    1. I like the oil spill print I have. I was just thinking about them today in this weather (dreary/rainy) and wondering how I could s3x them up a little bit. Is there such a thing?

    2. I won’t wear the regular clogs (though I don’t begrudge people who stand/walk all day) but I have a pair of mary janes from a few years ago I like a lot. Looks like they have several different styles right now.

    3. I am not sure “least unattractive” is a thing. If you want the comfort, then just accept that they are suboptimal in the aesthetics department and rock on.

  5. Front load vs. top load washer. Discuss!

    (I’m +/- 6 mos. out for purchasing a new set. Considerations? FWIW I’ve always had a top load.)

    1. Front loads are standard here b/c they go in the kitchen but they do tend to have mold problems. The one advantage of front loaders is if you are tight on space, you can buy a stacking kit and stack the dryer on top.

      1. I have space to set them side by side, so stacking isn’t an issue. I have a new laundry closet that I can customize once I pick the washer/dryer. I like the idea of building a shelf/countertop above my washer/dryer, which suggests front loading is the way to go, but I want to pick the right washer/dryer first, and then build out closet around what I pick.

    3. I don’t have room for a top loader (I have to have a stacked set), but given the chance, I would go back to top load in a heartbeat. My front load washer has that nasty grime even though I leave it open after I wash and because mine have to be stacked, I have to crouch down to get anything in and out. If you don’t have to stack, and decide to go FL, I would absolutely recommend getting the little pedestal things to sit them on so you aren’t bending over as much.

      1. ETA: I don’t have any preference on dryer, it’s the wetness of the washer that causes the front load issues.

      2. We have a stacked washer and dryer and the washer is top loading. Maybe ours is small?

        1. Are yours the ones that connect together in the back and then have a space where the washer opens? Mine are full size because the intent was to have them side by side (although they are the smallest of the full size because my contractors didn’t measure correctly . . . don’t even get me started).

        2. Same here – you can still get a top loader in a stacked set. They design them so there is enough clearance for the washer door.

          3. The dryer is about cabinet height, so not too high. The main problem is that you usually don’t get all the bells and whistles in that kind of model, but it works fine for us.

    4. We just bought brand new washer dryers from GE. Washer is top load, dryer is front load. I love them and we didn’t need to stack, so they’re perfect for us.

        1. This is the model number: GTW860SPJMC for the washer. It’s agitator free and I can fit SO MUCH laundry in it. This sounds so weird, but we were using a washer and dryer that were 15 years old that still worked. But upgrading to these has literally been life-changing because laundry is so much easier and quicker.

      1. This is what we are doing next go-round. Keeping a front loader clean is hard.
        I do recommend a steam dryer. It’s a game changer for cutting back on dry-cleaning bills.

        1. Can you tell me how you use your steam dryer for your dry clean only stuff? I am scared to try it because I don’t want to ruin my suits but we have that feature, too.

          1. I make sure that the heat is on medium, not high (wrinkle care vs. refresh? settings). Spritz with a little febreeze and toss them in. I’ve used it on wool blend suits and synthetics. Doesn’t seem to harm them, although we are talking AT/dept store level suits. I don’t run the full cycle because I’m usually in a rush. 10-ish minutes tends to work. You can add the crease back with a flat iron or regular clothing iron.

      2. this. I’ve been pretty happy with my Kenmore elite top load sans agitator. its huge. I can fit a king size down comforter and sheet set with room to spare.

    6. The depth of my hatred for front loaders knows no bounds. I despise them with all that I am. I’ve had them in 3-4 rentals. First, they always mold in hard-to-reach cracks and crannies. I was never able to effectively clean them. They tell you, just leave it open! No, that doesn’t work, and neither does scrubbing it, or running it with one of those self-cleaning products, it’s just impossible to clean. Second, it can be hard on your back if you bend over to load and unload the laundry. Something about the angle is just ergonomically incorrect as compared to top loaders. Third, if you don’t want to bend over to do your laundry, you’re relegated to getting down on your hands and knees. I am a liberated woman! I will not do laundry on my d!mn hands and knees. Seriously e f f those things.

      1. Hang on though…aren’t most dryers front load? Do you find that a problem as well? I am 5’6″ and we have the stands.

      2. Bleach. Screw this cleaner stuff they recommend. Wash that sucker every month with bleach and/or vinegar. Never close the door except when it’s actually running. But I also hate them even though I’ve gotten to a point where I can manage that part. Top loaders nave their own issues but I prefer them when you don’t have to s tack.

    7. I’m in a similar boat as you, and I’m leaning toward sticking with a top loader. Too many of my friends are having to replace the gasket after just a year or two due to mold/mildew, and our basement (where the laundry room is) already skews to the damp side of things.

    8. We bought a top load because I’d heard of problems with mold in front load washers. Our dryer is front load. No complaints so far.

    9. Why is mold a problem in front-loaders and you never hear about it for top-loaders?

      2. It’s not always a problem though. I’ve had Duets (2 over 18 years) and have never had and issue.

        1. +1

          Never had a problem with my front loader. I follow instructions to drain water after wash, leave door open always to dry, run cleaning cycle periodically.

          Maybe it is specific models/brands

          1. I think so. I have Kenmore front load since 2010 and have had zero issues with mold and smell. I leave the door open after use and wash my whites on hot with bleach and it is always fine.

        2. Yep – I’ve had a Whirlpool since 2009 that came with the house (2005) and have never had a problem. I love it.

    10. We recently bought a high-efficiency top-loader to replace our old front-loader. With the front-loader we had some mold issues and mysterious black stains on clothes that could have come from mold or from grease (they got worse when the problem that finally killed the washer first appeared, and grease was definitely involved). When we bought the top-loader, we did not realize that all top-load HE machines carry warnings against washing water-resistant items, such as winter coats, bath mats, and waterproof mattress pads. Supposedly these items can throw the machine off balance, leading to damage. Consumer Reports interviewed manufacturer representatives, who said that it’s probably okay to wash these items on the delicate cycle, which we have been doing with few problems. I would have been livid if this had happened when we had a small kid and were washing waterproof stuff on a daily basis, though. Otherwise, we love the top-loader.

      If you have a house that was built more than a few years ago, be very careful to measure your space before purchasing. Our house is 20 years old and washing machines have gotten MUCH larger since we bought our last one a decade ago. The model we bought this time around was the only HE model, top-load or front-load, that would fit in our laundry closet, and that was a tight squeeze. If the trend continues, we will have to buy a new house when this washer dies.

    11. Top loader because of the mold issues with the front loaders. I also like to be able to soak items in the washing machine.

      FWIW, we’ve been buying all of our appliances at Home Depot online. They have great mark downs on last year’s models.

      1. How do you determine if it’s a current or prior year model? Go to the store and ask? We’ve got some flexibility on timing, so I’d love to snag a great deal around the holidays, or maybe President’s Day, or something. And I’d be all about buying a year-old model for a discount.

        1. You can usually tell by the age of the comments. I prefer to buy appliances that have been out for a little while because there are more reviews. Once I narrow down my options, I google the models and find as many reviews as I can.

    12. Only get a front loading if you have to – I have space restrictions (but am oh so lucky to have a washer dryer at home), for the mold reasons everyone is talking about. I have had moderate success w some of the tide washing machine cleaners, but wish it wasn’t an issue at all.

    13. I like my front loader for its ability to wash bedding without requiring a trip to the laundromat. To me, it is worth the inconvenience of having to manually clean the gasket periodically.

    14. I hated my Bosch front loader (mold/musty odor), but I love my LG front loader that the site The Sweethome recommended. The door has a pre-close latch setting that props the door open a bit when you aren’t using it that seems to be doing the job of letting it dry out. Someone else mentioned a basement location, and the Bosch was in the basement, and the LG is second floor laundry room, so that might be a contributing factor. I really like the delicate option on the front loaders that really just flop the laundry around — I don’t hand wash anything anymore because the front loader seems to be gentle enough. Also, I can stop the LG and add laundry at the beginning, which I couldn’t with the Bosch.

      I recently spent weeks in an apartment in Italy that had an pretty old front loader in the kitchen with no mold and no odor. It was used to house an ever-rotating influx of academics, so it’s not that all residents would be super careful about wiping it out and leaving the door open — quite the contrary. It seems that these are much more common in Europe and they seem to manage fine. I have heard that Americans consistently use way too much detergent, so maybe that’s a factor? Mold growing on the residue of soap + water, not just water? I started using less detergent than I think I need, so maybe that is contributing to the success of my current top loader.

      1. I use soapnuts rather than detergent and find that the mold has been better (or at least not gotten worse) so there might be a connection here. And I’m a total shill for soapnuts – my clothes are fading less quickly, towels are more absorbent, and everything is softer.

        1. I just looked up soapnuts on Amazon and one of the reviews said ‘clothes come out of the washer smelling like nothing’ which is one of my laundry goals. Thanks for the tip!

          1. Have you done any research on soap nuts?
            I saw them on shark tank and loved them but then Googled, and it seems that they don’t clean?

          2. I’ve been using them for 3 years or so. I wouldn’t use them if I was washing things that were muddy or absolutely filthy but I use them for everything else and things feel and smell clean (perhaps cleaner than conventional detergents that seem to leave a film). I can see the lather in the wash. You can’t use them in cold water so I keep a bottle of Ecover around for delicate things that I wash in cold.

      2. +1 to the LG front loader. The door prop seems to do its job of letting the washer dry. And if I do have any problems (usually fro leaving wet laundry in the washer for several days), the clean cycle clears everything up. I have room for a side-by-side, but we stacked the units and put a large cabinet in the space next to the washer/drier. I love the setup.

    15. My front loader gets grimey on the gray seal thing but it is on the side of it closer to the door, not the part that touches the clothes. It doesn’t smell. It just looks gross and is gross to the touch. The clothes still come out clean and smell clean. I just periodically wipe it out but I don’t really fret about it. It’s like the grime that builds up at the bottom of the dishwasher door.

    16. I bought LG front loaders in my last house and loved them so much I bought a new set for my new house. We have not had any mold/mildew issues with either (7+ years between two sets). We leave the front door open on the washer to entirely dry out after use, which might help. For me, one important metric for purchasing a washer is cycle length. My washer runs a delicate load in 40 minutes and can do a 15 minute speed cycle. My Mom’s new top loader takes an hour and half per load no matter how much she changes up the settings. I’d be doing laundry perpetually if my cycles took that long.

    17. I got a new Samsung top loader and steam dryer. This is the washer that might get recalled because of the issues with unbalanced loads causing damage. I really love them but I would recommend against samsung because of the potential headache.

      I bought them a year ago because of the size (huge!) and it is glorious. I’m short so getting things out of the bottom of the tub of the washer is a challenge. Ours had that weird sink in the washer but I took it out because we have the laundry tub right next to them.

    18. I have experiences with top load and front-load washers, and to me the benefit of a top load washer is the doors on the ones I’ve used don’t lock, so if I forget to throw something in I can add it after the load has started. Front loaders in my experience always lock (as they should) so if I space on something I’m SOL.

      I don’t remember if the front-load washers at school had a musty smell, maybe they were just cleaned often, but the one at my parents’ house does.

  6. I’m seeing “leather” trim on some seriously downmarket items (like on a white t-shirt with black think leather sleeves — they looked like bits of a Hefty bag sewn on). Is that a sign it’s over? Becoming tacky? So much of it is fake that I almost don’t want to wear my leather pencil skirt (but I will anyway). I feel so . . . Miranda Priestly about this.

    1. Leather seems to be very in this season. Leather trim has been around for a while.

  7. If you had a week of vacation in March, where would you go? I’m in the mid-Atlantic and am open to domestic or international, but don’t want to spend more than a day each way in transit. Probably not Europe (good chance I’ll be there for work over the summer and can tag on vacay then, also the places I want to go are going to have nasty weather in March), definitely not Charleston, New Orleans, or New York. High liklihood of solo traveling if it involves a flight. Don’t have a shoestring budget but do want to reserve funds for the Europe stuff over the summer. Just can’t decide what direction I want to go in so thought I’d throw it out there and see what you ladies would do!

    1. Paris and London. The weather is always good inside a book shop. Or Austin + road trip to Santa Fe. Or San Francisco and like a yurt in Big Sur if I were a completely different person. Or a yoga retreat in Costa Rica. But probably just my mom’s.

      1. Austin + Santa Fe is a great idea, I have a good friend in Houston and she might be down for a road trip. Never been to that part of the SE either. Thanks!

        And I love chilling with my mom but she’s only an hour so I already see her frequently :)

    2. What kind of vacation are you looking for? City exploring? Beach? Hiking? A mix of all three?

      1. No idea, that’s part of the problem! I don’t want to come back tired but traveling tends to rejuvenate me anyway, so as long as it’s not a week of backpacking through the wilderness or a super-stressful location I’m open.

        1. I went to Puerto Rico for a week recently and it was a great combination of things. We did a mix of city, beach, and adventure. Old San Juan is beautiful and we rented a car and drove to the ferry to Vieques for two days. I’d love to go back and drive across PR and visit some coffee plantations.

          Plus, short flight and no passport!

          1. Me too, I was just talking to someone who did part of her honeymoon there and it sounded amazing.

        2. Argentina is amazing in March. It is harvest season in Mendoza. If you go, do at least one day in the mountains and one day in Uco Valley (check out the Vines of Mendoza).

    4. These are more appopriate for a long weekend rather than a whole week of vacation, but:
      -Savannah, GA could be fun
      -Philadelphia
      -Asheville, NC

    5. Depends on what you’re into, but I would lie on a beach for a week. March is brutal weather-wise.

      1. This is definitely a strong contender, since I love the beach and probably wouldn’t have another chance to go this year. I think I’d want to go somewhere with easily-accessible culture as well, though.

    6. Cancun! Beautiful beaches plus lots of fun stuff to do…snorkeling with turtles, cenotes, Mayan ruins. Can be a very touristy, low-key week if you do an all-inclusive but there are lots of independent places to stay too if you’re not into AIs.

      1. I’d do Tulum over Cancun. Much less touristy, more relaxing still close to ruins and right next to multiple cenotes for snorkeling.

        1. Tulum is on the list because I’d love to see all of the ruins. I think it could be a little too pricey, though.

          1. Not sure about your budget, but I thought it was extremely reasonable. Our hotel was roughly $200/night and that included breakfast! Lunch and dinner were also fairly cheap-great casual food although more expensive dining options were available.

          2. I did some more research into Tulum because it hit all of my other requirements and it looks like I can make the budget work! I was thinking it was a lot more all-inclusive/swanky than it looks like it really is. Intriguing.

          3. Very few if any all inclusive places in Tulum. Lots of eco boutique and tons for cheap.

    7. My part of the country is a lot colder than the mid-Atlantic, but I would definitely go somewhere warm and out of the continental US. Mexico, Hawaii, a Caribbean island…probably I would just look at where I could fly cheaply and directly and go from there.

      1. Yeah, I definitely should have clarified “nowhere that’s colder than DC.” I have a lot of options for cheap + direct flights with proximity to BWI and Dulles, so unfortunately that doesn’t really narrow it down…sigh.

      1. I’d be doing Kauai in a heartbeat if I was on the West Coast :) I just don’t want to spend that much of my time in airports.

    10. I would fly to Iceland to see the northern lights and chill in the blue lagoon. Alternately, road trip up the California coast.

      1. +1 to both of these.

        Also, if Zika is not a concern, the Playa del Carmen area in Mexico – I was there in March a few years ago, and it was one of my favorite beaches, plus there were plenty of other activities to do besides drinking on a beach (not that I did any of them, but they were there!) and a pretty decent restaurant/shopping/nightlife scene in Playa del Carmen proper.

        1. Cali road trip could be fun–I’ve only ever been to southern CA before! Will check out Playa del Carmen as well. Zika is not a concern.

    11. I spent a week in Belize in January; friends went in July – all of us had perfect weather. I went to Ambergris Caye and spent each day of the week hiking, biking, SCUBA diving, or snorkeling for half the day and sitting by the pool and getting the best tan ever for the other half. Highly recommended!

  8. I’m the campaign manager & treasurer for friend running for our state legislature. We’ve got a campaign event on Sunday evening, a reception/meet-and-greet at a supporter’s home for undecided & independent voters. My role will be to welcome people and do one-on-one conversations with voters.

    I don’t want to be overdressed, but I still want to look like a professional woman who knows her stuff. I’m thinking either a pink button-down French cuff shirt with gray slacks or a ballet pink or raisin colored sweater with either a navy skirt or gray slacks.

    Do these sound like they would be to much? I could do the shirt or either of the sweaters with dark straight leg jeans and low-heeled boots, too.

    1. I don’t think a suit would be too formal. This is business for you. Those outfits sounds very nice, not jeans.

    2. What’s your district like? That makes a big difference. You want to make the constituents feel comfortable – so in my small city, I’d absolutely go with either of the outfits you described. Personally I like the pink shirt and slacks outfit, but it depends on what makes you more comfortable. In a bigger city, I’d bump it up to a suit. In a more casual, rural area, probably would still go with one of the two outfits you described, preferably the sweater with the skirt.

      2. I tend to describe social events here as “cowboy formal”. Think the CMA awards, with women in long sequined dresses and men wearing boots, cowboy hats & torn jeans. (I hate it).)

        The majority of the district is suburban white, with a small diverse sub-section where there are 9 languages spoken in 3 precincts. Then there is the small set of precincts at one side that are Rural White (which is literally how it is described in the candidate guide).

        I don’t want to overdress, since it is entirely possible a good many of our invitees will be in jeans & football jerseys. But, I also know that I’m representing the campaign and need to give them the impression that we have our stuff together.

    3. Both of those outfits sound nice and similar to what people wear for meet-and-greets where I live. I would not wear jeans.

    4. Do you watch VEEP? I think they do a great job with clothes and have a lot of female characters.

      1. I think the clothes on Veep, especially on Selina and Amy, are too formal for this situation. Maybe Sue’s clothes could work.

    5. I vote French cuff shirt, dark jeans, and boots. Casual but sharp. Ballet pink sounds a little twee/bake sale for this.

    6. I work on political campaigns, currently in the Northeast, but I’ve worked in the South. Know your district is a great tip. I would go with the button down French cuffs and either slacks or skirt, whichever you can wear with more comfortable shoes. You’ll probably be on your feet a lot. Good luck to you/your friend!

  9. How important is it to you to be an innovator in your career and leave a legacy of something you’ve created? Starting to notice a difference between people who actually create something new and people who operate within the existing constructs of companies/careers. I wish I could be that kind of person, but I am definitely not.

    1. If you had asked me this five years ago, I would have likely felt the same as you – it’s cool to have that sort of personality but I do not.

      However, then I got asked to join a start-up as the first hire beyond the two co-founders, who created the company but wanted someone else to run it day-to-day. (I joined as COO.) The focus of the company was exactly in my wheelhouse, but joining an early stage company was a huge leap for me, so it was a tough decision. I spent basically the first two entire years working my tail off and also wishing I could just go back to my old job where there was a clearly defined path, and more certainty and stability.

      Now we’ve grown the company to around 50 people, and although I wasn’t a founder, I have been critical in creating the product and team. I imagine it feels like the difference between living in a house that you designed yourself vs an apartment you’re renting. I get to see my fingerprints all over the company. I get to look around at the team I’ve built and marvel at the great work they are doing – much better and more impactful work than I ever could have done alone.

      What I’m trying to say is, I didn’t think it was important to me or that I had the personality to do this, until I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity. Now that I’ve experienced it, I’m not sure I can go back – even though I honestly and truly hated the uncertainty and anxiety of the beginning, and I know I’ll have to go through that again if I start to build something new.

    2. Are you thinking about the Producer vs Performer characterisation? (I wouldn’t say it was a hard dichotomy.) See: http://www.strategy-business.com/feature/Are-You-a-Producer-or-a-Performer?gko=592bc

      I would *like* to eventually be a Producer, but I am worried that my introvert nature is getting slightly in the way. That’s important enough to me that I took a job working at a small firm with lots of growth potential, and I don’t mind working my tail off to learn and build new things.

    3. I don’t value innovation, per se. So much innovation is worthless. I am not impressed/envious of those who create companies or industries that are relatively inconsequential for life. Many things make money that are not really worthwhile.

      I’m more impressed by making an impact with something important and useful, and ideally makes life better. Sometimes that involves creativity, maybe some +/- innovation, and hard work.

      But I do enjoy being surrounded by creative genius types.

      Legacies…. Really? I’d rather have an obit that mentions contribution to society than a new App I made a billion from. But that’s me.

    4. I just want a job that I don’t hate, where I feel like I have a future, and pays me well. I do want to be viewed as a competent valuable employee, but I don’t really care about much beyond that.

    5. I think about this quite a lot as well. Freakonomics just did a great pod on the value of maintenance, and it really made me rethink my position.

      2. Yeah I kind of wanted an interpretation of the invitation saying that I DO have to rent that dress…but I also don’t need to spend $100 when I have a lovely cocktail dress I could wear instead.

    2. Know your crowd, but ime most people will not wear long dresses. I went to a black tie optional wedding once and was the only non-bridesmaid in a gown.

    3. Yeah, I would interpret “formal” as basically cocktail attire. If it was “black tie” or “white tie” I would consider a long gown.

      1. Also, that dress is spectacular. It reminds me of a modern version of the red ball gown Claire wore to French court in Outlander (any other Outlander fans in the house?).

    5. C@cktail is fine. But it’s sooo pretttyyyyyy.

      Can you find out whether the bridesmaid dresses are long or short? If they’re long, I’d feel safe going with a long gown. (Assuming that’s what you want to do.) Either way, short’s probably fine.

    6. That red dress is spectacular but I would never wear red to a wedding. Too “look at me” and focus pulling.

  11. Love this skirt, especially the brighter colors, but it looks like it’s already lucky sizes only. Sad.

  12. I seem to have inadvertently lost about 7-8 lbs. I think it’s mostly from nursing. I am by no means complaining but I’m not sure what to do about my suits – I mostly wear skirt suits and they all feel for a bit shlubby now, esp. if I want to wear a tucked in top. Work pants aren’t great either. On the one hand I could get everything taken in a bit, but I’m not sure if I will just gain the weight back when I stop nursing in a month or three. Buying new suits is daunting for the same reason. I have a few suits/work skirts & pants that got too small for me from my 20s and those are alas still too small. So what to do meantime? Take in or buy one new suit to tide me over? Take a chance and try to not gain the weight back? Wait and be a bit frumpy for a bit more?

    1. Take in one skirt, but tell the tailor you may need to let them out in the future and not to trim the seam allowance.

    2. to me, this is exactly what Halogen is for. I am in a similar position now I just got a Halogen suit with pants and skirt for about $300. this suit and a pair or two of neutral slacks will work fine blazers that do still fit for a while.

    3. I would buy a suit at H&M in a size that works for you now. They look crisp enough for a year or so, and by then you’ll have a better sense of your stable size.

    4. My solution was to get a black skirt in the proper size and wear it with a black top and whatever suit jacket (grey, slightly patterned). It’s not a full suit, but it works for everything except the most formal court appearances. If the size change looks to stick around, then buy new stuff.

    5. Buy something new, but inexpensive (Limited or H&M as suggested above). Sadly, I gained that extra nursing weight loss all back about 6 months after I weaned.

    6. Just a caution – I nursed for a year and went down below pre-pregnancy weight (and happily bought new pants) but when I stopped nursing, I ended up putting a few pounds back on.

      1. Same here. But stopping nursing gave me so much time back in my life, it was well worth the extra weight.

  13. Ladies, don’t be this boss. It’s important to my husband and me to be equal parenting partners, so when I go back to work after maternity leave, husband is going to stay home with the baby for a month or so until we start with a childcare center in January. Bad timing, because he recently started at a new position – a two year assignment (fed gov). This week when he told his boss about his FMLA plans, she basically threatened to remove him from the position. After consulting with HR and learning what FMLA is, now she said she’ll do the bare minimum protection of his job legally required. She’s planning to re-advertise the position, and if they find another suitable candidate by January, she’ll try to shuffle husband off somewhere else. For taking 5 weeks off, over the holidays AND during the lame duck period after the elections, of a two year tour. So disappointing that parental leave is being punished this way. I know the US generally sucks for supporting new parents, but this is an unnecessary low. My husband, to his credit, still plans to take time off with the baby and is not letting himself be cowed by his awful boss. Really hoping it doesn’t end up hurting his career significantly.

      1. I guess it should have been predictable that this blew up. Replying here so it’s close to the top.

        Kat, I’d prefer this thread not be highlighted as a thread jack of interest, please.

        3. Poor OP…. boss made her sad, we made her sad, what’s a spoiled Gen Y girl to do these days?

    2. Sorry, but I think it’s poor timing to take more than a month off right after starting a new position, especially one that’s a fixed gig that only lasts two years. People can and have said the same thing here about maternity leave. You try to time the baby to arrive before or after the two year gig or you take a minimal maternity leave and go back to work as soon as you’re physically able. Since being physically able to return to work isn’t an issue for a parent who wasn’t the birth mother, I can understand why the employer is only willing to do what’s minimally legally required.

      1. He’s not going on vacation, he’s taking FMLA. There are many reasons to take it that don’t involve being physically incapacitated yourself. Maybe it would help you understand if you go read up on what it is?

        1. But most FMLA leave is unplanned. He took this short term position knowing she was pregnant, so this situation is a little different. I’m a huge fan of paternity leave, but I don’t believe anyone – male or female – should plan to take a month of FMLA when they’re just starting a two year position. If you know you have a situation that will require using a month of FMLA, then you shouldn’t accept the short term job or you should disclose the situation when you’re offered the job and work out the details of the leave before you begin work.

          1. if people could count on a job offer not being withdrawn because they want to take a month off with a new baby, they’d probably be more forthcoming with that info. A woman can’t hide it. but judging by how mnay questions there’ve been here about asking when/if to disclose pregnancy during an interview process, she probably would if she could.

          2. People who get ill, have babies, or have to care for family members shouldn’t be allowed to get jobs? It’s so much better to suddenly get in a horrible accident and be forced to take leave with no notice vs give notification so that everything is a little smoother while you’re out? The point of FMLA is not to have some moral police judging you about which (legally allowable) leave circumstances are ideal. That’s why it’s so great! Plus two years is not exactly short term, and it’s a month, in government, over the holidays. He’s not the president.

          1. Not Anon above

            You’re not a nice person if you think parents shouldn’t have paid parental leave. Evidence for argument: see rest of industrialized world.

          2. Why? This is the internet, not an elementary school classroom. You can call an a$$ an a$$.

          3. Name calling does not usually convince people who disagree with you. Donald Trump has been trying this strategy and it hasn’t been working so well. Obviously, you’re free to present yourself in any way you chose.

      3. This is wildly unsupportive and a huge slap in the face to any non-birthing parent trying to be an equal partner. Presumably if they could’ve timed the baby better, they would’ve, but since reproduction isn’t an exact science, and some people try for years while others expect to try for years and end up with a pregnancy in the first month, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s none of your or the husband’s boss’s business to try to dictate when and how they reproduce.

      4. “You try to time the baby”

        You have clearly never had kids – if you have , you’ve gotten very very lucky and had them on the exact timing you chose.

        Gigantic eyeroll to you.

        1. You can’t always time having a baby, but you can pretty reliably time not having a baby. And in this case, OP said she was pregnant when he accepted the job. He should have disclosed that he wanted to take leave in December and worked out the terms of the leave before accepting the job offer, or walked away from the offer if they said a one month FMLA leave wasn’t ok. I can see why the boss is annoyed that this was just now sprung on her, because, unlike many other kinds of FMLA leave, the need to take time off to take care of a new baby doesn’t just appear out of nowhere.

          1. ” just now sprung on her”? She’s getting two months notice for 5 weeks leave during a slow period. COMPLETELY reasonable.

          2. Except that other people may have also though: slow period; maybe I’ll take some time off. Other people have plans, too. This is the only time some of get to see our families all year.

          3. +1000! I’m all for paternity leave, but I would also be frustrated in her position. Also, does this even qualify for FMLA. Assuming the child is not sick, I don’t see how it does if the child is also old enough that the mom is going back to work.

          4. Anon at 11:28, parents can take FMLA within the first 12 months of a birth or adoption. So yes, it does qualify.

      5. Obviously it’s poor timing. But I was already pregnant when the job opened… so what do you suggest? Don’t have kids? Don’t try to advance your career during your 30s when you are having kids? Subscribe to the 1950’s mentality that obviously still exists where the dad’s sole responsibility is to earn money, and let the affect of the imbalance in caregiving on marriage and kids be damned? I would be more sympathetic to your POV if, say, my husband were an accountant and trying to take 5 weeks off during tax season when he’d just been hired as staff augmentation. This is not a case where his absence will cause any critical shortfalls. It’s literally the time that will have the least possible impact.

        On the flip side, I started a new job newly pregnant and my boss was amazingly supportive. I’m went back to back to work happy to work for someone who is understanding and gives me space to live my life outside of work without penalizing me for it, and did my best to pay it forward by making my boss look great. My husband, if he doesn’t lose the position over this, will spend then next 22 months resentful that his boss wanted to offload him for trying to be a good dad. I’m sure he’ll be professional and get his work done, but I doubt he’ll go above and beyond for a boss who made it abundantly clear she doesn’t have his back. That’s why some companies (including mine) have generous family leave policies and try to support work-life balance. Happy employees are more productive employees.

        1. Your husband doesn’t sound like the sort of employee that someone is going to go to bat to keep. Maybe he could read Lean In b/c he’s going before he goes.

          1. Have you even read ‘Lean In’? It 100% recommends husbands being more involved on the homefront to support their wives careers.

            Her husband is doing the EXACT kind of thing recommended in Lean In.

          3. I am in a management role and would absolutely go to bat to keep her husband as an employee. I would love to have male employees who actually take their parental leave. And no, you have obviously not read Lean In.

          4. +100. They both sound entitled. IMO Good for the “bad” boss that she only has to deal with him and his ragey wife for two years. I can’t imagine the grievances, etc. he will file when he doesn’t get the same desk/stapler/office chair as his workmates.

        2. Yaaassss. We are in the middle of cultural shift (maybe early stages in some industries) and so there’s bound to be chafing, but go you and hubs for fighting the power.

        3. I 100% support non-birth parents taking leave to care for a new child.

          That said, I also manage a business unit in government and sympathize with your husband’s boss.

          Completely unexpected FMLA leave can really have a huge impact on the quality of service our customers – the taxpayers – receive.

          You can take FMLA leave within the first year of the child’s life so it’s often hard to predict when male employees take leave.

          I had several employees take the same 6 week period off using FMLA, meaning I had no ability as a manager to work with them to finesse their leave times so they didn’t overlap as much.

          Again, I work with government so I had no ability to have the other staff in the unit work OT to pick up their shift, due to union contract and budgetary decisions.

          This meant that a lot of people facing critical problems experienced twice the typical wait time to receive needed services.

          So yes, do I support parental leave? Yes. Was I incredibly annoyed that these parental leaves resulted in at risk populations receiving less than appropriate care? Absolutely.

      6. I agree with anon at 9:55. I’d be pissed off if an employee in a short term position just told me that he plans on taking off a month in a few weeks. Certainly you have known about your plans for a while. He should not have accepted the temporary gig now and should not be surprised that they won’t go to bat for him to make it a permanent position. Everyone is entitled to FMLA but you should not leave your office in a lurch when it is a planned (not emergency) event.

        1. And these kind of attitudes are why the USA is so far behind the rest of the world on sensible leave.

          1. I think we’d be all for it, but we don’t ever get temps in to help pick up the slack. So it comes at the expense of your co-workers.

          2. I just spent an evening talking with someone from Scotland, someone from France, and someone from Denmark about various types of leave policies in our respective companies. It made me want to cry (US, not California here). Yet the entities they work for seem to get quality work done on a regular basis. HOW DO THEY DO IT?! (that’s sarcasm, for those who may wonder).

          3. Provincial Govt in Canada – we don’t get temps either. We just deal because that’s life.

          4. But most every workplace doesn’t get temps to make up for anything. This is how workplaces work–you cover for your colleagues and suck it up. And I can see some government people thinking, “THE HORRORS. I MIGHT HAVE TO WORK MORE THAN 35/40 hours a week” but that’s how it works.

            I think this manager is awful, and I think all of the righteous people saying “This should have been timed better” are ridic. Clearly they have not tried to * time a pregnancy, * wait months for a government job to come through, * get a slot in day care, * deal with two-parent careers.

            GIGANTIC EYEROLL to the haters. Kids happen in your thirties. They just do. Managers like this are evil.

          5. What’s weird to me is that the U.S. has a higher birthrate of all of the countries with child-friendlier policies. Why is that? If I had European-style work hours + European-style leave, I would have tried for 1 or 2 more (for a total of 3 or 4). Is something in Europe that I’m not counting that unfamily friendly that it counteracts all of your benefits? I am always reading how we are a graying society here, but at least not like China or Japan (where those demographic chickens are coming home to roost) or Western Europe.

          6. @Anonymous 12:47 Poverty for one. Most of the births in America are to lower class people. If you compare the relative poverty rates that explains a huge portion of the discrepancy. Secondly there isn’t the same idealization of children and the white picket fence. We know having kids is hard and sucky and comes with a whole bunch of negatives. The states really idealizes having children as this glorious thing.

          7. to the Anonymouses at 12:47 pm and 1:35pm:

            The higher birthrate in the US is due to the current higher birthrate in immigrant communities. It is not necessarily correlated to poverty. If you track the demographics over time, as immigrant communities become more and more assimilated into US culture, their birthrates drop with each new generation.

          8. What? Not true! European Countries and Canada take in a much higher population percentage of immigrants than America does.

        3. Well, anonymous at 10:21, I am against maternity or paternity leave. You decide to have a kid, great. You should be able to afford whatever it is you want to to with the kid. My tax dollars shouldn’t support your desire to procreate.

          1. The OP’s situation has nothing to do with paid leave. FMLA is unpaid. The US federal government doesn’t offer any paid maternity or paternity leave, actually, except in the military, when birth mothers get the equivalent of short term disability coverage for the amount of time deemed medically necessary (usually 6-8 weeks).

      7. “You try to time the baby” – this shows how wildly out of touch you are with reality. Stop being part of the problem.

        1. I’m in academia and pretty much everyone tries to time their baby for the end of the school year. I have teacher friends who have done the same. Obviously not everyone succeeds, but it’s not crazy to suggest that *trying* to time children is a thing. Plus, postponing pregnancy during a two-year, fixed-term position like a postdoc is very common and not the same thing as “timing” a baby to hit a specific month.

          1. +1, as evidenced by the fact that my daughter’s ‘faculty brat’ daycare is more than half May/June birthdays…

          2. That’s funny, because where I grew up in the Midwest, the teachers all tried to time their due dates for either February or August so they could get their 3 months leave on top of the summer.

      8. What do you want them to do, shove the baby back in to bake a little while longer?

        Kid’s already been born, or is about to be, from how I understand OP’s post.

        Your attitude is crap, and the other posters are correct that that’s part of why the USA’s policies in this regard are so terrible. FMLA already *is* bare minimum v. what the rest of the civilized world offers people who have children. Would you say the same thing if he was taking FMLA to care for an aging parent?

        For people who are saying he shouldn’t have accepted the “temporary” gig- because what, jobs are so plentiful right now and he had so many options that he should have just passed up a good opportunity and waited until who knows how long for another one to come along? That sounds like a smart move for a person who has a family. And yes, two years is fixed term, it’s technically temporary, but two years is still a fairly long time. Lots of people leave “permanent” jobs after two years and no one begrudges them time off. It’s not like one month out of a 6 month contract.

          1. right, so only the wealthy should be able to procreate. sorry, my kids benefit society and I’ll have them whether you think I can afford them or not.

          2. 7:58: of course you will. LOL. I look forward to seeing them in 18 years behind the register at Taco Bell.

        2. 4:42: so what, only the wealthy can have kids that actually accomplish something in this world? If, horror of horrors, you come from a household of two working parents you’ll dish fast food and live in the “inner city” for your entire pathetic life?

          Thanks for your comment, Donald Trump.

          1. Just suggesting 7:58 not have kids knowing she can’t afford them. Not interesting in my tax dollars supporting bad decisions. Not shocking that your reading comprehension isn’t up to par, but sad for you. Hugs.

      9. Not sure I entirely agree with this, but even firms with a generous paid parental leave policy will have it kick in after a year (e.g., my firm gives both parents 4 months, but they have to have been there a year).

        FMLA is different than paid leave, I understand.

        I bring up the leave policy only to make the point that there is case to be made for establishing yourself before taking the leave.

        One advantage/disadvantage for men is that they are not obviously pregnant. And that means that a prospective employer cannot discuss any potential accommodation that might be mutually beneficial. For example, your husband’s boss, has she known, might have suggested he start the contract after the birth of the child.

        1. Yup, my company has a great paid parental leave benefit, but unfortunately it didn’t help me at all because I had my baby prior to my one year mark.

          FMLA is totally unpaid, it’s only purpose is to protect you from being fired for taking leave for health-related reasons. Even FMLA only kicks in after a year of employment, though. I think for government it just means you have to have worked for the government for at least a year, not in that exact office, or even department.

          I agree that, in a perfect world, you’d prove yourself before taking leave. But life happens. Even babies, which are ostensibly plann-able, happen at inopportune times. Do we really – as a culture – want to punish that? Most people agreed that it was a problem for health insurance to be so tied to employment that people would be stuck in a job, maybe to the detriment of their career progression. But it’s ok to be stuck in a job because of pregnancy (or the potential for it)?

          And please, for the love of working moms everywhere, no one say “he has a choice, he doesn’t have to take leave because his wife had a baby.” The fact that this is affecting men in addition to women is almost a good thing, if you squint really hard.

    3. If I were him, I would spread the word around the office. “Yes, I’m not sure I’ll be back; ___ is planning to re-advertise the position because of my paternity leave.” No need for snark; just let it speak for itself.

      1. Thing is, Americans don’t come from a culture of support for paternal leave so this really could backfire. Not everyone, as shown by the diverse opinions even here, will think taking a month off during a temp 2 year gig is OK.

        Having said that BIG CLAP for you- good for your husband for doing this. As more fathers do this hopefully dialogue and opinions will change

        1. Here’s why I disagree with you. Americans support capitalism as an ideal and that’s why companies and people don’t 100% agree with paid parental leave. But IME, Americans DO support babies and we fancy ourselves capable of being progressive, especially on an individual level. As a policy, it’s not popular yet, but circumstantially people can get behind it.

          (Except in my industry which is full of idealistic, capitalist misogynist pigs. So maybe you’re right after all.)

    4. Wow, that sucks. I’m sorry your husband’s boss is being so difficult. Is she allowed to re-advertise while he’s out? I thought that if you indicated returning after leave they couldn’t formally hire someone else for your job until/unless you said you changed your mind and weren’t coming back.

      Good vibes to you!

    5. This would be NBD in many fields where jobs are easy to get and so are substitutes (e.g., nursing — can always find another job and also find covereage if someone is out). In law (I’m guessing) and similar, you can’t always find another job (and sometimes it’s hard to find the exact right replacement).

      I think it’s hard where you get a hard-to-get job where you are critical and then demand time off. But then you can’t delay the job or the baby and it’s not easy to get another job (but probably easier for them to replace you).

      Most places have no budget to get temp help while someone is out. It is awful all around, not just for the parents, but for the co-workers left behind.

      IMO, it’s not wrong to take FMLA, but if/when I do (aging parents), I expect to take a significant career hit for it in spite of technical protections. It’s like you drop the ball and others struggle to carry that and their normal load and people remember that. Maybe it can and/or can’t be helped, but it’s true.

      [And I say this as a person who almost had to hire 2 nannies b/c I was working 14+ hours a day and then realized that this is my employer’s problem, not just my problem, and demanded that they hire another person or I’d quit. They DID hire an additional person and I didn’t need a second shift of child care. Whew.]

      1. this is one of the most reasonable comments i have read in response to this post. I agree that it isn’t wrong to take FMLA, for whatever reason, but doing so is likely to affect your career path. There will absolutely be an impact to taking leave like this. That is perfectly ok, because your husband will have the protection to return to his job and continue to prove himself as a valuable employee. And he will likely have to work twice as hard to make up for the leave time. I think this happens to women who take time off for maternity leave all the time–they need to prove themselves when they return back to work. It is my understanding that the law protects your job. But, of course having an employee be gone for one to two months will impact his department. I honestly don’t understand the indignation around the idea that taking leave is going to impact his career path. Taking leave like this will slow you down. That is the price you pay for wanting to have kids, or participate in your family in some other way. If you don’t like it, then don’t have a life outside of work.

        1. He had another gig lined up already. He took the leave. He gave notice while on leave.

        1. I get SAHD. And there I often believe that they cannot truly decide until they are in the trenches (at least with Baby #1).

          They guy I worked with got a 2-week paid vacation (instead of how we do it — just take off time before starting a new job).

    7. Why didn’t he tell his boss sooner?

      You totally have the right to this time, and the boss handled it poorly, but for such a short term job I agree that it could have been handled better on your end.

      Often the truth is somewhere in the middle.

      1. Oh, I agree he should have told the boss asap once the hire was official. He has [reasons] but imho, that’s a failure on his part for sure. Then again, I’m not sure she’d have handled it better any earlier, and that just would have given her more time to find a replacement. The lack of speed in government hiring is in his favor at the moment.

        1. Ahhh… I see. So you guys also messed up a bit. Maybe he was a bit afraid to tell boss as he knew it wouldn’t be well received, but waiting likely made it work.

          Give boss time to calm down, and he should go back and act like a team player. Maybe even say, “I should have told you earlier, but this was a decision my family needed time to reach. I want to make this work for everyone, and am very excited about the new project. How can I make this work…”

          2. “messed up a little bit” = withheld info to get a job. Lesson 1: life isn’t fair, so just suck it up. Lesson 2: complaints that life isn’t fair are particularly grating when the complainer’s wife exhibited a lack of integrity

          3. I agree with you, anonymous at 12:43. I’ll suggest that script for him to try to do some damage control on Monday. Thanks also to Blonde Lawyer below, I’m unfamiliar with the official administrative categorization of the assignment, but that might be part of the issue, and if so it makes a little more sense.

            1:57, I disagree about lack of integrity, but don’t worry, we were planning to suck it up anyway. I hope you learn what “vent” means soon.

          4. You say his boss is doing what is required under FMLA. You apparently want more than that, which is fine, but she’s not a bad boss if she’s following the FMLA. In my experience, when you deal fairly with people, they deal fairly with you. Hopefully you and your husband will learn that soon.

    8. Is your husband on a duty or detail assignment for the gov’t? The way I understand it, you are not supposed to take any planned leave while on such an assignment. If you know you have something coming up in the future, you don’t apply. Now, two years is a long detail. Many are just 3 months or 6 months which is why the “no leave” clause is so important. You are not an employee of the place you do your detail. You are still an employee of your home agency. So, if the position gets reassigned, you are just sent back to your regular job that has been held open for you on detail. They usually tell you ahead of time that if you get sick or need surgery it will be reassigned. It all depends on the detail though. There is someone in my husband’s office that is on detail. He is an employee of that agency AND that office, he is just one detail from one role to another. Even still people go NUTS when he takes even a day off since he isn’t supposed to on detail. Mostly because someone else has to fill the role for the day and the point of the detail was that the office wasn’t going to have to support the role during that period.

      Details are often for maternity leaves. So, you wouldn’t accept a detail to cover a maternity leave and then go on maternity leave yourself, just for an example.

      I agree that it SUCKS your husband is dealing with this but the people that are pushing back against you and your husband are not pushing back against parental rights generally but rather what details are in federal government and that he should not have taken one knowing he would need leave.

      1. On a positive note though, I find that many dads in gov’t are taking parental leave. If we ever have kids, we plan to do what you are doing. I take a short joint leave, then I take leave alone and go back then he takes leave and then daycare.

        1. That is exactly what we did and it worked out really well (although my husband is in IT at a law firm). I took five months and went back with zero concerns and he got two months to hand with a slightly more fun baby. He tells everyone he meets to do it as they really bonded and he became super proficient at all tasks during that time which makes for a better division of parenting. Yet another reason I love being Canadian – the money is not the best while on leave but it is better than nothing and your job is protected for an entire year if that is what you want.

    9. This is really unfortunate. I would take that as a sign and wouldn’t want to work for someone like that.

    10. Not a popular opinion here but as a boss I could never take seriously a GUY who wanted paternity leave or FMLA or whatever to bond with his baby and/or “share in the caregiving.” Give me a break. I don’t blame his boss one bit.

      2. I really, really hope you are a troll, but I’m going to respond anyway.

        Paternity leave is about more than the dad’s relationship with the child (although father-child relationships have been shown to be hugely important in a child’s emotional health, educational achievement, and on and on). It’s about his relationship with the mom, and his willingness to be an equal, supportive partner to her. And it’s about normalizing parental leave for both men and women to minimize the negative impact maternity leave can have on a woman’s career. And normalizing the idea that moms aren’t the only ones who have a responsibility for children, an idea which would help women of childbearing age everywhere, because if you think the idea that “this woman might have a baby and turn into a bad employee because kids ruin everything” isn’t in the back of many employers’ minds, you are sadly mistaken.

      3. Who are you? Do you also think that men shouldn’t have to take FMLA to care for aging parents? Get a grip.

      5. Do you want to explain to us why you’re so s#xist? Come on, rather than just post some s*xist BS and run, why don’t you explain your air-tight reasoning for this one to entertain us on a Friday afternoon. It might be fun!

      8. OP here — there’s no reasoning that’s going to satisfy you all. I’m just saying I think less of men who are THAT interested in their babies. I think they are lazy and want a few weeks/months away from work bc their wives got that – once the mom is done maternity leave, there is no reason the kid can’t be going to daycare or a nanny. As far as I’m concerned that doesn’t help their cause — they’d rather be home and are pointing out that they are more interested in diaper changing than in earning money. So hopefully they don’t mind when their promotions go to some other guy who makes it a priority to be there.

        1. Hmm….I think the US is the only country where people think this way. In many other countries, three month old infant is way too young to be dropped off at day care. Infants here need to be at day care at three months age (heck at 3 weeks some times) because of the horrible maternity and paternity leave policies. And with people like you, it is no wonder that maternity/paternity leave is so bad.

          1. Don’t know if you know any Asians but in those cultures a MAN would be laughed out of the room if he announced he’d be home for 7 months burping his baby. 2nd gen Asians born/raised in America are doing it but suffice it to say their parents, extended families etc. have plenty of commentary about it.

          2. In some cultures, a MAN is expected to keep his wife under his total control. A MAN whose wife has any say in any aspect of life will be laughed out of the room. That doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do.
            I hope you realize how ridiculous you sound.

          3. Also..by the way I am commenting here as a first generation South Asian and my dad was a stay at home dad till I was 4 and my sister was 2..

          4. I do know Asians. In fact, I am married to one. Our children are first generation American. He helps with childcare and would not have it any other way-he wants to take an active role in parenting. No one in his family laughs at him. You really shouldn’t generalize about an entire group of people that way.

          5. It’s late, but I’m not letting this one go. I spent two years in an SE Asian culture where the expectation is that the mother’s brother has primary responsibility for the child. It was a common sight to see males of many different ages cuddling infants and playing and teaching with their nieces and nephews of all ages. It was especially disorienting (and delightful) to see teenage boys doing this — I was at a wedding where a 16 year old boy proudly carried his infant first niece around all night, talking baby talk to her. No diapers — they think it’s hilarious to get peed on.

        2. Hahahahahaha, you have never been the primary caretaker for a baby for an extended time, have you? I practically skipped back to work after maternity leave. My husband has taken leave after I went back to work for each kid (is home now with the latest one) and he agrees work is way easier and more enjoyable than baby. But he does it for me and the kid, and our marriage is much, much better for it.

          Attitudes like yours are why some European parental leave policies mandate paternity leave in order to receive full benefits. The value to families and even society at large of involved dads is proven, but in some ways men have a very uphill battle to get there. I’d be thrilled to support any man who wanted to take time off for a new baby, even if it’s inconvenient from a work perspective. My company gives 12 weeks paid to all new parents (or for other family health issues, basically FMLA is paid. It’s incredible.) and I hope men also take advantage of it.

        3. No reason the baby can’t be going to daycare or a nanny? What reality do you live in??

    11. I totally get it. I plan to take a 3 month mat leave directly after the birth of our baby, and then my husband plans to take a 7 month pat leave, before we put our baby into daycare at 10 months. When other people found out, they make concerned comments like how will we ever explain that to husband’s boss, boss won’t be expecting to lose a male employee to pat leave, it will jeopardize my husband’s career, he may get fired, etc. A lot of this concern is coming from my husband’s parents which is most painful of all.

      My husband and I are really happy with the plan, but it seems like the rest of the world is not ready for dads truly sharing childcare responsibilities.

      1. LOL. If I were his parents, I’d make comments too about my SON staying home for SEVEN months to change diapers!? The child can go to daycare that 3 months you know!? And are you ok with it if 7 months turns into a stay home dad stint? Bc that’d be precious.

        1. What would be precious is if you get married and if you have kids then please come back and let us know if your view stays the same. Till then, your comments are so unhelpful.

  14. My parents are coming to visit in two weeks and will see my new house (previously my fiance’s house, in which I now live). I’m anxious. The house is 140yrs old and a work-in-progress, with lots of cosmetic work to be done. E.g., peeling paint on the facade, walls in need of re-plastering, peeling paint on inside shutters. Personally I think the house is gorgeous (and everyone is always wowed by it) but my mom is super detail-oriented and critical. I’m anxious she will make comments around everything that needs to be fixed and only see the negative. Advice for handling/diffusing this? I don’t want to say anything to her in advance, as she would get very defensive.

    Related, my mother is quite allergic to dogs, but can generally be around them for periods of time (no petting etc). I have a no-shed dog that she has not had problems with, but now we have two more high-shed dogs. Like, vacuum-every-day-and-there’s-still-a-fur-carpet dogs. My parents will come to hang at the house, eat meals, etc but are sleeping at a hotel due to the dogs. Tips for reducing allergies? We have an air filter, I will brush and bathe the dogs, vacuum and wash upholstery. I’ve read that tannic acid can neutralize dander. Any experience with that?

    1. I have to say I don’t understand this problem. You are anxious that your mother will make rude comments about your house and you have a built in excuse (for her own comfort) for why you don’t need to spend much time in your house. Take the excuse and try to spend your time elsewhere after you give them a tour. Do not eat meals at your house if you can avoid it.

      1. Agree. Go to their hotel for breakfast, have lunch when touring around somewhere. Occasional meals at your house.

    2. My advice is to relax. Your mom sounds like a critical person and you need to find a way to just let it go. There is no stopping people like that so there is no sense in getting too bothered by it. You are doing more than enough with the dogs already; don’t kill yourself trying to prevent every last hair from coming into contact with your parents.

    3. Act excited. “There’s lots of work to be done, but I’m so happy to be living here with Fiance!”

      But really, why get so anxious over this? Who cares what she thinks? She’s not living there. She’s not in charge of the house.

    4. If your mom is actually allergic to dogs (as opposed to just ‘allergic’ because she doesn’t love them) and you have two high-shed dogs, I really don’t think hanging at your house is practical. I’d plan to have most meals out and have your visits in her hotel room or in public areas. If you have an outdoor patio at your house and the weather is decent, you might be able to visit there. But no matter how much you vacuum, wash the dogs and wash the upholstery (which all seems like a lot of work), she’s unlikely to be able to be inside the house for a sustained period of time.

      1. This. No matter how much you clean, it won’t really make a difference. I have bad animal allergies and my doctor told me that it takes 6 months after the premises have been vacated for the allergen to totally dissipate. If someone has a dog or a cat I can maybe comfortably be in their home for 30 minutes, and that’s with allergy medication, air filter, and regular cleaning.

      2. +2 I have cat allergies and I can be in a home with a cat for maybe 15-20 minutes before I start having an allergy attack, no matter how clean the house is. Animal allergens are just really hard to remove from the environment.

    5. 1) Mom, the house is still a work in progress. We can see great bones and are excited to see our vision come together in the next few months/years. Please excuse the shabby chic while that is in progress.
      2) Can she take preventative allergy medicine to reduce her reaction? For the dogs, a furminator and fish oil supplements reduce the shedding.

    6. My mom can be critical. My best coping mechanism is to pretend I’m a screenwriter and she’s suggesting outlandish things to say and I evaluate whether they go in the script or not. It keeps me from getting mad and is pretty effective for me.

      1. LOL this is brilliant. I need to do this the next time my parents (mostly mom) come to visit

      2. My mom is too. My solution is to tell her almost nothing and see her pretty infrequently! Obviously, this doesn’t work for everyone.

    7. Can you temporarily keep the dogs off the living room furniture for a while? Or even out of the living room?

    8. Hire a housekeeper for a thorough deep clean, since this is like your 47th post about this dudes house with worries like this.

      1. +1 You do seem to have many insecurities about this house. I would focus on what the solve for that is more than how to handle your mom.

    9. My grandmother is like this (except about my weight/hair/clothes) and the only way to stop the criticisms is a long term one: I warned her I was going to end our conversations whenever she made a comment about my appearance, and every time she did it I said “I told you I don’t want to listen to comments like that, please stop” and either hung up the phone or walked away. After a while (several visits and dozens over phone calls over a couple of years) she stopped. She is old. Very old. You can set boundaries with anyone if it really bothers you, and I don’t think you should have to accept this kind of talk from your mother. I know this is not what you asked but I really believe that standing up for yourself will lead to a better relationship with your loved ones. You don’t have to accept any and all behavior from someone just because they are family.

    10. I would just calmly acknowledge her comments.
      Mom: A lot of peeling here!
      You: Yes, we know. We wish we were able to fix everything at once, but it’s going to take us time.

      Repeat the same wording every time she makes a comment to drill the point.

    11. Weren’t you saying that Fiance was the world’s worst handy man and actually reducing the value of the home by doing things like painting dog fur into the walls? If so you probably shouldn’t have your mother over because she will notice the shoddy workmanship and it will make you feel even worse

  15. How do you stop your cat from meowing at night/trying to get you up to play when you’re trying to sleep? I’ve heard you shouldn’t acknowledge it because they’ll appreciate negative attention as much as positive, but how can you discourage the behavior without shutting the door on them?

    1. Have a play session right before bed to tire him out. Then feed him a some of his favorite food. Cats have a hunt, eat, groom, sleep pattern. If you’re consistent with the routine, hopefully this will help him sleep at the same time you do.

      For giving credit – I’ve heard Jackson Galaxy mention this and I’ve read it in cat behavior books from Pam Johnson-Bennett.

      1. + 1 on the hunt-eat-groom-sleep pattern. We started having a 15 minute play session with our cat before bed, then right afterwards feeding her a “bedtime snack” (a bit of dry food inside a toy she bats around to get the food…breakfast and dinner for her is wet food…what do you mean I spoil my cat??) and within a few days she stopped the middle of the night pestering. The idea of feeding after playing is that after she has “hunted” she needs the satisfaction of “eating the prey” …thogh obviously we are feeding her real food, not the plastic toy we were playing with.

        1. PS: When I play with her I use a toy on a string she can jump at; the toy with the dry food is a different toy. I also put a little dry food in her dish at snack time.

    2. im interested in this too. I workout early in the morning (5am) and when I get up, the cat also wakes up. And then she goes and sits right outside my 9 year olds closed bedroom door and meows until he wakes up. He is never able to go back to sleep, so he often wakes up super early, which is obviously not ideal.

        1. It took my dumb cat (whom I love more than anything in the world) a whole year to figure that thing out.

    3. You have to shut the door on them. Anon8 is correct about playing/feeding before bedtime, but I am firmly of the school that annoying pets don’t sleep in the bedroom at night. As long as you’re available to them, they’ll want your attention. Once they figure out you will absolutely not open the door for them, they’ll usually go to sleep.

    4. Is the cat actually hungry at night? My cat likes to eat a meal at night. He used to wake me up every day at about 3 a.m., so I got an automatic feeder that’s set to go off at that time. Kitty no longer bugs me at night.

      1. +1. I’ve fostered cats and kittens for years, and adding a feeding at night can really help here. Some cats need to eat more often than others (like people).

    5. Get a second cat! :) If you have a cat who needs attention, you really need to devote time to play or provide a playmate.

      1. We play with her as much as she will allow during the day (I don’t go tempt her out of her hiding places when she clearly wants to be alone). The issue isn’t enough attention and we are not allowed to get a second cat on our lease anyway.

    6. I fostered a cat that would want to visit me twice every night to meow and rub up against my head. Adorable…but woke me up too much. I would tire him out before bed, then I would actually shove him off the bed when he visited (not super rough, but pretty firmly). He stopped visiting after a few nights. :)

    8. We had to shut our cats up in the laundry room at night because they would constantly meow at our bedroom door and do everything they could think of to try to get under it or through it.

    9. How old is your cat? If it’s <2, he or she might outgrow it. When my cat was a kitten, he was awful about wanting to play at night, but now that he's a little older and lazier, he just snuggles up next to me and goes to sleep. My younger cat doesn't try to wake me up at night, she just tears around the house chasing things … which wakes me up just as well. Unless it's something like a laser pointer in the basement, far away from your sleeping area, I would not get any toy the cat can play with at night without you, it might just create more noise.

      I'd shut the door on the cat for a week. Or rather, I'd actually shut the cat in a bathroom or somewhere without any upholstered furniture and carpet, because the frustration of not being able to get to you might lead to peeing on stuff. You can try the occasional night with access to you, to see if it gets better once you've taken a stand. (Probably not, because, you know… cats.)

  16. I’m nearing the end of wedding planning. My venue is very DIY; it’s just an event space. I have to provide all decor, etc. Wedding is on a Saturday, I will have the space from Thursday morning to Sunday night. Fiance and I plan to fly out for our honeymoon on Sunday evening, so the space has to be cleaned up in the morning. His parents and my parents offered to help. We’re not having attendants. We’re hiring staff for the event so I hope clean up won’t take too terribly long, but I’m blocking off the entire morning just in case.

    My sister lives a short plane ride away. We’re not that close because there’s a large age difference (she’s older). I have not asked her to help with set up or clean up because I understand she has travel and work restrictions. Sister insisted that I should host a brunch the Sunday after the wedding. I explained we’re not doing that because we have to clean up the venue. She then went to our parents and demanded that they have to have brunch with her before she flies back home that afternoon. My parents basically want to make everyone happy.

    I really want to tell them, no, it’s BS that sister is making competing demands on your time when she knows that I need help then. When you fly in for someone’s wedding, you don’t demand that people involved in the wedding have to drop everything to accommodate you. My sister has refused all compromises – fly out later so you can have a late lunch with parents; come to the venue in the morning and I’ll buy everyone breakfast; fly in early Friday so you can have lunch with parents on Friday – nothing except Sunday brunch will do for her. I think the only thing I can really say to parents is, look, you’re adults and I’m not going to tell you what to do with your time, but I will be very disappointed if you back out of your promise to help me in order to cater to sister’s unreasonable demands. I’m not sure if I’m being unfair though.

    1. I don’t think you’re being unfair. Sister sounds like a brat. One possible solution – if your parents really want to have brunch with the sister, could they go to the venue super early and do their share of the cleanup so then they could leave to get brunch with her while you, your husband and your in-laws finish the cleanup?

    2. I think you’re sister’s perspective is that she flew in for your wedding and you can’t be bothered to hire a cleaning service to deal with the venue so you can spend time with her. Probably makes her feel like you don’t value seeing her. Not saying that’s reasonable – just that seems to be where she’s coming from.

      1. I think I mentioned this in the original but in case it’s not clear – we hired staff for the event. I’ll want to make sure the staff did what they were supposed to do, but there are also things that staff can’t do. We have to pick up the leftover booze so we can return it, make sure the vendors pick up rented items, and haul away anything we plan to bring, like the bar that fiance is building.

          1. It is stuff you can hire someone to do, but it’s also not unreasonable to accept help from close family members who offer it. Sister does not get to dictate that decision just because she wants to go to brunch and won’t accept any of the reasonable compromises OP has suggested. OP, I think it’s fair to ask parents to stay and help.

          2. Agreed. Do you have a wedding planner? Even if it is just for the weekend, it is totally worth it. He/She could handle all of this the next day and it would be so much less stress for you and your new husband as you try and get ready to go on vacation.

        2. Honestly, it sounds like your sister isn’t handling this well, but I have had the experience of flying in for a family member’s wedding and being asked to be unpaid labor, and it is not fun. I suspect that your parents would likely also prefer not to be doing this work the next morning. I would hire someone to go over the next morning, check on the clean-up, and transport the bar and anything else back to your house and spare yourself both this emotional energy and the need to get up and clean stuff the morning after your wedding.

          1. I hate to say it, but I agree. Nothing makes your guests feel so devalued as to be unpaid labor. They are already spending money on flights, hotels, wedding gifts, attire, as well as their time. Most people do this happily to celebrate you and your life. But keep in mind that they are *your guests.* They are not your staff that you can demand return after a late night to clean up on your schedule so that you can go on vacation on time. They have their own lives and weekends and gave you loving attention for a full day. You can hire people to do this, either included as part of a non DIY space or as separate for your DIY space. Either way, you should hire help.

          2. I have to agree with this. And really, after your lovely wedding the very last thing on earth you are going to want to do is clean up. You will be so much happier if you can just sleep in and then go to brunch.

            If you go on task rabbit I’d bet you can hire this out for not too much money.

            Really, the way to solve this problem is to throw money at it. Yes, Sister is unreasonable but hiring someone to do the cleanup will still be a lot nicer all around. And I say this as someone who just had a big wedding, so I know every dollar hurts. But it will be worth it and you won’t regret it.

            And plus a million for the day-of planner. Really that person is worth his or her weight in gold!

          3. + 1

            Task Rabbit is an excellent idea for a job like this. Or better yet, wedding planner (assuming you hired one).

          4. But she didn’t ask her sister to help with any of that, only the parents. Sister is not being expected to do any unpaid labor. Sister is just trying to pull parents away from the labor they volunteered to do.

      2. Could be a mix of both! Maybe she feels you don’t care to spend time with her. Maybe your parents don’t actually want to clean up but don’t want to tell you. Maybe she feels it is unfair that you are inviting her to your wedding and saying the only way to see you is to help you clean up the next day. On the other hand, maybe she is a spoiled brat.

        Either way, if it were me, I would hire help with this so that you can enjoy that day, too. You will otherwise be scrambling around to clean up and then scrambling to pack and then scrambling to the airport. Have the attendants the night before put everything aside for easy pickup and hire people to pick it up the next day or supervise. (Maybe a day-of planner for this.)

    3. Agree that your sister is being a brat. Can you hire someone to help you clean up in the morning?

    4. I think you are valuing using your families as unpaid labor the morning after a festive occasion over actually spending time with them or letting them spend time with your sister. They’d obvi rather have brunch with their out of town daughter than clean. That’s why cleaning is a job you can and should hire people to do.

      1. I understand both sides. Although your sister is being a little unfair, I can see her point of view and I’m sure your parents would rather spend time with their kids than clean. I echo hiring someone to do this. No one wants to be cleaning, especially AFTER a wedding. A wedding is so tiring as it is, people just want to relax the next day.

        Outsource the cleaning and take your family out to a boozy brunch. Win.

    5. Tell your sister to pick up bagels (or other food) and a box of coffee and join you at the event site while you are cleaning up.

      1. We offered this – actually we offered to pay for the breakfast – and she shot it down.

        1. ” We offered this — actually we offered to pay for the breakfast”.

          I would hope so! Your sister is flying out for your wedding, presumably spending a lot of money to be there.

          This sentence strikes me as if you think you are doing her a favor paying for her coffee and bagels, in return for unpaid labor. No no no.

          Putting all that aside, the last thing anyone wants to be doing after a wedding is cleaning. Outsource.

          1. Sister isn’t helping with clean up. I never thought she was. I invited her to the breakfast we’re hosting at the venue for the people who offered to help us with any clean up that needs to happen, which will should be minimal. I told her we can call her when we’re finished and ready to eat. She doesn’t want to do that.

        2. FWIW, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or a terrible person like a lot of people here seem to think. Your sister is a brat. It probably would be easier to hire somebody to clean, but you’re under no obligation to do so.

    6. I know you are not having a wedding party per se, but you have friends, right? I would ask a few of your friends to come and help with clean up and order breakfast and make mimosas…your work gets done, you can debrief on the wedding gossip and both sets of parents can sleep in.

      1. No, I think this is worse than conscripting your family. I don’t think treating your parents as unpaid labor is nice, but asking your friends to be unpaid labor is even worse. Ask me how I know…

        I agree with the comments to hire people, if for no other reason than that you and your new husband will probably want to sleep in and have a relaxing morning. Weddings are exhausting in a way you don’t fully realize until you’ve gotten married.

        2. Is it, though? A wedding isn’t just a big party. A wedding is a celebration of a new union, enjoyed by the community that welcomes that union. I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s backyard wedding last weekend, and the wedding party and family all cleaned up while the bride and groom made breakfast. It was a lovely, community-affirming morning.

          1. I think its uber tacky to ask anyone who has traveled to your wedding (and probably spent a lot of money and taken time off work to do so) to set up or clean up so that you can save some money. They’re your guests, not free labor. I spent four hours setting up for a rehearsal dinner (for a bride who could very much afford hired help) and by the end of it I was so exhausted I could barely enjoy the dinner or visit with anyone. I ended up leaving as soon as it was socially acceptable. Family members and bridesmaids are still guests and should be treated as such.

          2. 100% agree with Baconpancakes – maybe it’s a “know your audience” issue, but weddings can be a wonderful time for your tribe to come together. We had a very DIY wedding (friends handled food, décor, music, officiating, etc), and although we paid to have the space clean up after the dinner we did ask for help moving chairs and tables between the ceremony and reception, there was still cleanup to be done in the morning, which family and friends helped with after my parents served breakfast. I heard multiple comments about how the wedding was a “labor of love,” and one of the most fun experiences people have had.

            Long story short, your request seems very reasonable to me!

    7. Are there other people she wants to see as well? Often post-wedding Sunday brunches are about spending a little more time with your close relatives before leaving. Personally I don’t care for the ever-expanding list of mandatory wedding events, but this is probably where she’s coming from. Totally your call on whether you want to accommodate it, but also her call on whether she wants to be mad at your decision.

    8. I think you are being unreasonable to expect your parents and your sister to help out with the cleanup. They are spending tons of time and money to be there for your special day, and it’s unfair of you to dictate how they spend every hour of the trip or to prevent them from taking the opportunity to visit on their own terms. You get to expect their presence for the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, and the reception, and that’s it. I think your sister was also wrong to suggest that you are obligated to host a brunch, and maybe being a little silly in insisting that she must have brunch with your parents, but I’d let it go and deal with the cleanup yourselves. Unless your parents are hosting and paying for the wedding and it was their decision not to hire someone to clean up–in that case, they ought to be taking the lead on cleanup.

      1. Sister isn’t helping with cleanup; that was never on the table. Parents are only helping because they offered. I never asked anyone to help, and I certainly did not “dictate” how they spend their time.

        1. …except that you’ve expressed you will be “very disappointed” if they “back out on their promise.” I think you want people to side with you, but just admit that nobody likes to clean up (neither Sister, Your Parents, In-Laws, or You/Husband) especially after a family wedding and hire help!

          If you and groom are not paying for wedding, pay for brunch for your nuclear families together. You will enjoy it. I promise.

        2. You are turning this into a loyalty struggle–making your parents choose between helping you (exhausting) or spending time with both their daughters (fun). They’ve already devoted the last few days to you, now’s the time to back off on the demands and let them make changes that won’t be so difficult and tiring.

          Yeah, you had a plan. Tough. Be the bigger person and hire it out and go spend time with your family. If you can’t do that with good grace, excuse your parents and tell everyone you’ll join them as soon as you can after you finish what you need to do.

    9. I’m clearly not on the same side as everyone else with this, but I honestly think you’re being completely unfair. Your sister, who lives a flight away from you, is flying in for the weekend, and wants to have a flipping meal with your parents that isn’t about your wedding, or setting up your wedding, or cleaning up your wedding. I can’t say I blame her – they’re her parents too, and if she’s making the trip, it’s really not all that unreasonable of her to want *one* meal with your parents. All of your proposed “compromises” involve taking something that, it sounds like, she would like to have be about relaxing and spending time with family, and turning it into clean-up duty, or else having her change a flight (which is not even a little bit of a compromise on your part unless you’re offering to pay the cost difference, and is hardly a small or easy thing to do in any event).

      You are a bride, and as a bride, you get *one* day. Not an entire weekend. Not a cadre of free labor for days before and after so you don’t have to pay cleaners or pay what it would’ve cost to host your wedding at a venue that included cleaning services. Not unlimited access to your family’s time and goodwill. One day, at which your family’s only actual job is to show up (if they’re able) and celebrate you. That’s it. You and your H made the choice not to hire cleaners and to use this particular venue with these particular requirements, and I think you have to expect that the only people who have to deal with those requirements are the two of you. FFS, let your parents have brunch with their daughter who lives a plane ride away instead of cleaning up after your pretty princess party. It’s the kind and rational thing to do here.

    10. To be a voice of dissent from the other comments – It sounds like you’re paying for the wedding yourself and doing it in a way so that you can stick to a budget. Most of the comments suggest throwing money at the problem, which is a great solution…for those who have the money! If you don’t, good for you for sticking to your budget.

      Of course if you do hire someone, in three months when you come back to talk about your less than ideal financial situation, all of these same people will comment on how ridiculous and irresponsible you were when planning for your wedding. Can’t you just stick to a budget? Why did you have to be such a special snowflake princess bride? Ugh.

      Your parents offered to help you. Ask them to confirm whether they still intend to do so. If not, clean up with your new husband and your in-laws who have also graciously offered to help. It will be fine. They can handle the situation with your sister without your involvement. Good luck.

      1. I’ll chime in just to say that using Taskrabbit for something like this probably wouldn’t even put a slight ding in a budget – I’ve hired Taskrabbits to do serious, heavy-duty cleaning out of storage spaces for around $100. I don’t think outsourcing the next morning in this way is going to make or break a budget. Of course, that depends on if OP’s in an area where she can hire someone through that service.

      2. +1 Family offered. If this were my wedding, the family would be offering to help with this kind of stuff, even without being asked. There’s also a ton of them, and the work would get done quickly.

        I think it would be gracious of you to not punish your parents for spending time with your sister, though. Having brunch with her doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily duck out on all the clean up. Do as much as you can the night before with the event staff so that the morning after goes quickly.

  17. FYI — Hillary’s campaign store is 20% off today with code FACEBOOK. She has a ton of great t-shirts by designers — bags that say things like “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-Damental Rights” and so forth.

      1. I believe so. You have to fill out the employer and occupation stuff that you would if you were just donating money.

    2. Thanks! Donated last month and now just bought a tee and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-damental rights” tote. Thanks for the code!

  18. Anyone else really love HRC’s gown last night? She has been making such beautiful and appropriate choices all during the campaign, so I was curious what a Madame President evening gown was going to look like. I loved the bright color and loved the simplicity. She found a gown with a collar!

    2. I think she looked amazingly regal on Wednesday. The white suited her so well, and her total look was on point.

    3. That dress is my favorite color. I wasn’t crazy about the collar though. When she sat down it looked like she was wearing a button down blouse appropriate for work, and then when she got up I realized it was a gown.

      I saw snippets of her jokes and she killed it, I thought.

      That red dress though….super distracting. :)

      1. I think this was part of what made it great – its what you wear as next leader of US, different than what you’d wear as a first lady (huge, huge MO fan too).

      2. The whole speech was really terrific. She has a lot of great jokes that didn’t make the highlights, and closes with a more serious note. It was really inspiring.

    5. I think she is pretty much crushing it with her appearance in general these days. Hair, makeup, clothes. I don’t know who is doing her hair and makeup (NY Times says Ralph Lauren is doing the clothes), but she looks like a million bucks.

      I kind of hate myself for noticing and caring, but there you have it…

        1. Me during the debate the other night “How does he make his hair do that? It looks like it’s been matted down and tangled on purpose…I wonder if it is on purpose….did no one look at him before he went on and tell him he looks like a pug?”

          1. I kind of thought he has been heading into Jabba the Hutt territory, with his face flattening back into his head & neck.

  19. My SO and I are attending his friend’s 7 year old’s birthday party this weekend. I believe the majority of the attendees will be adults (vs. children) and since this is the only child of our group of friends, we’re not really sure how these things go.

    Gift suggestions for a 7 year old boy who is an iPhone addict, voracious reader. and smarter beyond his years? We’re thinking book or fun game but specific suggestions would be so helpful!

      1. +1. Or if he’s into Star Wars or Minecraft, there are a bunch of Lego sets out there.

    2. You really can’t go wrong with Legos. Doesn’t even matter if it’s a duplicate of one he already owns b/c the fun is in the building.

    3. For books, I read The Hobbit when I was in 5th grade. He might still be a touch young for it, but I still think it would be a nice present. My grandparents gave me an illustrated version of it I still have when I was a kid that I enjoyed.

    4. K’Nex. If he already has some, get one of the cool individual kits, if he doesn’t a starter kit will give him all sorts of things to play with. You can also buy a motor to make cars and ferris wheels move.

  20. I am looking for recommendations for 2 black pairs of shoes to wear with black tights this winter. (1) A pair of flats for commuting (that look polished). (2) A pair of heels for work to wear with dresses and skirts (suede or patent leather, not leather). For the heels, I’d love opinions on what looks the most current and what would look best with black tights. Block heel? What shape toe? Also, definitely need either medium or wide width (I do NOT have narrow feet).

    Thanks in advance!

    1. What part of the country are you in? If you’re anywhere that gets real winter or slush, I’d recommend flat boots for commuting. For work with black tights, I’d get suede or patent block heels.

    2. The Louise et Cie Jayde block heel mary janes are really comfortable and they come in black. The Via Spiga Deanna is also a block heel mary jane and very comfortable, even in the fabric. I have them both (Jayde in the wine and Deanna in the navy/black fabric) and have comfortably worn them all day to work, standing most of the day and teaching. I prefer a mary jane or t-strap because I prefer for it to be stable on my foot.

  21. I’m really overwhelmed by my options during this open enrollment season. My employer recently changed brokers and we now have literally 50 plans to choose from. My husband’s employer also has 5 different plans to choose from. To complicate things more, we are having a baby in a few months, so we may have to re-calculate what’s best all over again when he arrives. Does anyone have any tips for creating a systematic way of considering each plan? I can eliminate about 20 right off the bat based on coverage and premiums, but that’s about it.

    1. This was my process –

      (1) Choose between low- and high-deductible.

      (2) Look at deductibles for both individual and family. Eliminate any desuctible you wouldn’t be able to pay with emergency funds (or HCA funds if applicable).

      (3) Look at after-deductible copays and OOP maxes for both individual and family. Eliminate any mazes you can’t afford in an emergency, and keep the copays of the remaining plans in mind.

      (4) Check plan details. Look for any exclusions that may be relevant to you. Look at prescription coverage (and check whether that’s a separate deductible).

    2. Jfyi at my company if you have a child mid year you can’t change plans, only add the baby to the plan you have already elected. You might want to check your company’s policies.

    3. I don’t have great advice, because I’ve never had to choose between multiple plans, but I have some thoughts on good vs. bad plans. Does your company offer an HRA, or are all the plans low-deductible plans? We have an HRA and I actually like it. Our deductible is high ($5k), but my employer reimburses me for $4500 of it. Our coverage is good and the monthly premiums are low.

      The only thing that really annoys me, and I still don’t understand at all, is the relationship between deductible and co-insurance. Some services have a co-insurance obligation that I have to pay, and it counts toward my out of pocket max, but isn’t lumped in as “deductible” so it won’t get reimbursed under the HRA. It didn’t really matter when I had a baby because I exceeded the deductible anyway so had some out-of-pocket payments, but it literally makes no sense to me why they do this.

    4. We are dealing with a similar situation right now. I eliminated the high-deductible plans immediately, as they were going to be more expensive than the traditional plans because we expect to use some non-preventive care services. I then eliminated all plans whose networks don’t include all the major hospital/health care systems in our area. Now I am working on coming up with some assumptions about the amount of health care we are likely to consume based on previous years’ expenses, then calculating the total cost for each plan based on those assumptions (premiums + deductibles + co-pays + coinsurance, accounting for the fact that premiums and flex spend accounts are deducted from pay before taxes). I will also be looking at out-of-pocket maximums.

      If you are pregnant, the out-of-pocket max will be very important. I managed to hit it with just about the least expensive delivery possible.

      1. I second the OOP analysis if you’re looking to have a kid.

        Also, as an aside, my hospital pretty much threw a no-interest payment plan at me for my hospital bills. I think it’s because they so often have people who can’t pay their bills at all. I don’t know if that’s typical, but it’s always worth considering. So a high-deductible plan may not be the worst thing in the world if you can find a way to pay off any big bills on a payment plan that does not incur any interest.

    5. Same as Dinnie. When I had a baby 6 years ago, I opted for the high-deductible plan w/ a $2000 (per family? this seems crazy low today) deductible. We did a payment plan w/ the OBGYN and I hit the $2000 almost immediately, and then when we got our bill from the children’s hospital for baby’s costs during the stay I want to say we only had to pay a little more to satisfy the deductible. In any event, if your maternity costs and delivery/baby doctor costs fall in the same plan year, you should consider high-deductible b/c any additional costs after the deductible is satisfied will likely be less than w/ a PPO (I’m thinking sick visits, chiropractor/specialist visits, not anything else major, but maybe?)

      If your husband’s company uses a broker you should check w/ them to see how they would recommend making the decision tree. Mine was super helpful when I was in this situation – outsource the thinking!

    6. Thank you all! Super helpful. The broker at my employer told me that I’d be able to change plans after the baby but that it would be a lot easier paperwork-wise if we just added him to our existing plan. Sounds like a high-deductible plan probably isn’t best for us given the number of doctors’ appts we’ll need (and my husband has a medical specialist that he needs to see every two months as well). Good place to start!

  22. Did anyone go to their 10 year law school reunion? I think I’d like to go but I’m not sure if reunions are more geared toward the 20/30 year out crowd? And if I do go, what to wear??? The dinner is at the Ritz.

    1. That is a fancy damn reunion. Ours was at a waterside bar. I went for like an hour. For us it was super casual. I’d wear whatever you would wear for a nice night out. LBD with fun jewelry would be perfect.

    2. We do them every 5 years, usually at a nice local restaurant. I went to my 5 year, and will plan on going to my 10 year, but I’m still in the same area as my law school so it’s just an evening commitment.

    3. I went to my 5 year and will go to my 10 year next year. For ours (at a fancy hotel, so probably similar to yours), the rooms for dinner were by year, so we had dinner with our class, then there was a ballroom for drinks and dancing for everyone.

      Some of the older alum were really dressed up (some gowns) but for the 5 year crowd, more cocktail or even nice work attire. For my ten year next year I’ll probably wear a black cocktail dress.

  23. BRAG ALERT – I AM AN M-EFFING BAD ASS! The contract that had been outstanding for two years that became my problem two weeks ago IS CLOSED. Had it not closed today, it would have been escalated at the customer and they would have gone elsewhere for millions of dollars of business (and market share for us). I had to start essentially from scratch do to someone else’s F-tardtitude and I kicked ass!

    I got a thank you with very complimentary language both from my internal “customer” and our external customer! Forwarded both of those puppies to my boss. RAWR

    This agreement has been running my life for two weeks. I AM GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH CHAMPAGNE TONIGHT (not really, like a glass or two, but still)!!!

    5. Congrats, and I’m really glad you forwarded those emails to your boss. That’s exactly what you should do (and so should everyone). Enjoy your success!

    7. Thank you everyone! I got a “great job, way to pull a rabbit out of a hat” from counsel too!

      I’m going to try to scoot out of here early today to start the weekend by cuddling with my old man pup and kitties while I have my glass of wine :)

  24. Can I ask how everyone’s companies pay out their 401k/403b match? I found out that my previous orgdid not match my contributions the first year I was there until a year and a half after I had earned the match. So for example I earned the match in May 2013 but the match wasn’t deposited in my account until November 2015. The policy was to give the match annually, but the match wasn’t actually given until six months after the year. They then switched to depositing semi-annually (without any notification), but the deposit wasn’t made until five months after the six months closed. I.E. six months of match ended in December, match wasn’t put in account until May.

    I figured this out because I quit (shocker, this place was a nightmare overall) and was looking to make sure my match was deposited in my quarterly statement. Not only was there no match but after contacting the woman in charge, she says she will be making the match for Jan-July 2016 this month, three months after I had earned it, and because of that it the cash missed a quarter with 15% growth. Similarly the money owed from July-August (when I quit) won’t be deposited until March 2017. There is no written policy surrounding this process at all. It is a non-profit, am I crazy for thinking about going to the board chair? I don’t understand how they can essentially delay compensation from when I was working there until 7 months after I quit.

    1. Vesting policies are common and I’m shocked they are vesting after you quit at all! Usually you have to be an employee on the date of vesting to get the money.

      1. To clarify, this is not a vesting policy. You are eligible for 100% of the match after a 90 probation in which you cannot even enroll in the retirement plan. This a delay in transferring already earned funds into retirement accounts.

      2. Yeah, I’m the anon below @ 11:42 – I would say that you have a pretty decent plan because (1) you have a match; (2) the match is contributed pretty soon after you earned it; and (3) you get the match even though you’re no longer employed. For example, If I ever decide to leave my job and quit before December 31, which is when my match vests, then I lose my entire match for the year.

    2. My company deposits the match in the September of the following year. So any match I earned for 2015 was deposited in September 2016. Yes, it sucks that I don’t get interest on it for that time frame, but it’s all discretionary anyway and a very generous match, and a ton of companies don’t do any match or employer contribution, so I’m kind of just happy that I get it at all.

      I suppose it depends on what the fine print says in any employee manual or your offer letter/contract, if any. Our manual expressly says that our matching contributions and profit sharing contributions are discretionary each year, and doesn’t specify the time when it will be paid.

    3. This sounds like NBD to me – you can rollover your account into an IRA then you’ll get a statement in 6 mos w/ a small amount in it from the match, and you can roll that out (as long as you’re outside of the 1 rollover per 12mo period). If you really want to get in the weeds you can ask to see the plan documents from either HR or the third-party administrator.

      Is there a reason why the timeline matters to you?

      1. Yes, because the organization has serious financial issues overall. The apparent reason for these delays is that they do not have the money to deposit, and right before I left, despite having multiple periods where making payroll was in question, they hired six new people. In addition, my new orgs retirement plan is better and I would like to roll everything over.

        1. Gotcha. I wouldn’t worry too much, because, if it is a profit-sharing plan, if they make the match they have to give it to you, and if they don’t make the match they won’t be giving it to anybody on the same plan as you for the same period. If it’s not a profit-sharing plan, they have to make the match as promised barring extreme financial need. And extreme financial need isn’t cash-flow problems, it’s more along the lines of bankruptcy, or 501(c)3 equivalent. (I’m thinking your plan is probably a profit-sharing plan.) Either way, check back in 6 mos, it doesn’t seem like there’s much you can do about it at this juncture. Good luck!

    4. For me, half of the company match is deposited in the same pay period as the employee’s contribution. The other half is considered a discretionary bonus and is deposited the first pay period of second quarter after fiscal YE. Vesting is a sliding scale and you’re not fully vested until 5 years in.

    5. My company match deposits the same time as my contributions deposit, which is usually the Wednesday following payday. I am 100% vested in my match from day 1, so there is no vesting period.

      Personally, the contribution schedule you are describing sounds crazy to me, because I’ve never had a 401k that functions like that. I do know there is some latitude in how 401k plans are set up, and as long as it’s only the match being treated this way (and not your deductions) it’s fine, but not optimal. If your employee contributions (vs the employER match) is also being delayed, then that is a bigger concern and probably inappropriate.

    6. Sadly, while it may be scummy, for the vast majority of 401(k)/403(b) plans, the employer can choose to completely renege on the employer contribution without violating ERISA. Hence, under ERISA there is likely nothing you can do about the fact that your former employer deposited the match in what you believe is an untimely fashion. I’d let this one go.

    7. My current company matches monthly and deposits immediately, with immediate vesting.

      My previous company deposited the entire previous year’s match in one lump sum on Jan 1. If you were no longer employed on that date, you didn’t get any of the money. Also, 3 year vesting period, with 0% vested until 3 years. Word to the wise, when you see that many strings attached, it might be a red flag about retention rates. And yes, I did strategically quit that job in January.

    8. we need 3 months of employment to qualify. then they match between 5-9% depending on how well we did that year (profit sharing plan?). it takes 3 years to vest and it’s cliff vesting so all after 3 years of employment or none before that. it gets deposited into the 401k at the end of every calendar year.

  25. Any chance any of you ladies are doctors or have had in depth conversations with MDs re Vitamin D or have personal anecdotes. I know there’s tons of stuff online that says – oh all you need is to be outside for 15 min in bright sunshine and you make enough Vitamin D for days/weeks. And then when you read all the caveats – that means on a beach in Miami without a cloud in the sky and dressed like you’re about to go swimming. Living on the east coast and being in an office 40-50 hrs/wk, that doesn’t work.

    Question is – how much (if any) can you raise your Vitamin D if you sit outside say for 30 min with direct bright afternoon sun (which we have a few more days of in my city) with arms, upper torso (collarbone area)/face exposed (think business caz attire bc this would have to be at work). Is it equivalent to 0.001 IUI and won’t raise D test results at all, so it isn’t even worth the bother? Or can you make 20 IUI here and there and that’ll show up in results? (I have been told to supplement and I will, just wanted to see if there’s any collective knowledge on this and whether it’s worth me spending a few hrs in the sun in the next few days before the cloudy, choppy fall weather sets in in my city.)

    1. I’ve talked about this with a doctor.

      Best way: Increasing Vit D intake through your diet (gets absorbed better when it comes through food rather than pills).
      Second best way: Taking a vitamin supplement.

      Standing in direct sunlight is not a good solution, because skin cancer (and also wrinkles, but that’s not a health concern).

    2. Have your doctor do a blood test to check your Vitamin D levels. Mine noticed that mine were low and prescribed a vitamin d supplement for the amount I needed based on my levels. I think I only had to take it once a week.

      1. Similar here but was advised to take 1000IU supplement daily, since my normal daily but has 800, I got a jar of 400IU pills (didn’t see 200)

    3. What latitude (state, country) are you at? In the winter, the angle of the sun in the northern latitudes doesn’t allow the necessary wavelengths (UVB) to penetrate the atmosphere, so the Vit D reaction isn’t triggered in the skin. Therefore sitting outside in the sun in the late fall/winter/early spring above a certain latitude (in the northern hemisphere) won’t do squat.

      https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18767337

    4. I have a serious deficiency and have had numerous conversations with my doctor about it. Currently on 20,000 iu a week. We landed at that level after multiple blood tests showed that I have issues with absorption from both the sun and from a pill.

      My doctor said that as you get older, some people’s ability to absorb D from the sun declines, and so you can’t always assume that you’ll get the same amount as someone else who is outside the same amount as you. Your best bet is to work with your doctor to monitor your specific situation.

      That said… I am all for some extra sunshine before winter hits!

    5. Everyone’s genetics is different. it is a little crazy to think you can ask this question, with such variation in how you could do this.

      Talk with your doctor. If you are resistant to supplements, start doing whatever sun routine you can maintain on a regular basis if your doc approves and increase dietary vitamin D. Check labs in 3 months.

      1. Right and sometimes people can respond to these questions and say — for me, 30 min in the sun daily for 3 months raised my level by x. Do you really think that I think that EVERY person’s body will function the same way or that I won’t listen to my doctor bc a stranger on the internet told me so?? Just trying to assess if there are people out there with anecdotal experience –if you don’t have any, don’t respond.

        1. But I think the point is, what good is anecdotal evidence if everyone’s body is different? If this is a route you want to try, consult with your doctor about how to do it. If your doctor isn’t on board, either try a new doctor or drop the idea.

          Ultimately, if you want to get out and enjoy the sun, do it, but there’s likely to be marginal effect in your Vit D levels, because of the time of year, unless you are in the lower 1/3 of the continental US. And even then, you are unlikely to match the levels of Vit D you would get thru supplements.

      2. I’ve lived in Minneapolis and Seattle for all of my adult life. Every time I go to a new GP, they start out by insisting that I need to take Vitamin D supplements because at this latitude “no one” makes sufficient D on their own. I always ask for a blood test, and my levels have consistently been high. I have an inside office job and eat a pretty healthy but normal diet (and my husband who eats mostly the same stuff I do *does* have low levels and needs a supplement), so all I can guess is that my body is just super-efficient at making D.

        All of which is to say – yep, everybody is different, and without getting a blood test, it’s hard to know whether you need more D and what will help.

  26. Career Advice Needed…

    I was laid off in July from quite possibly the most toxic job I have ever had at the most toxic company in America. I was immediately (within 3 days) hired by my former boss who is now a chief at another much smaller company — but I was hired as a “consultant” as she works out the headcount and budget approvals for full time. It’s been 3 months now and I am still working as a “consultant”– i.e. billing for PT hours although I am here and working a FT schedule, have my own office, have my own staff, etc. The only person who knows I am not really FT is my boss.

    Because I’m only billing for 28 hours (that was our agreement temporarily) when I’m really working a normal 40+ week, I’m taking what comes down to a $40k paycut if this was an annual salary. I also don’t have PTO, so if I ever have to be out, I just don’t get paid for the day. Also, I’m covering my health insurance through Cobra and it’s another hefty bill each month in addition to the paycut. All in, I’m stretching to make ends meet here.

    The plus side is that the work environment is so pleasant and I’m so much happier coming to work. My commute is significantly better and my hours are super flexible (i.e. I get here when I get here as long as it’s reasonable and I get stuff done). My boss is also a friend and a mentor. I believe she is having trouble getting the approved headcount to bring me on FT even though she’s trying hard for it.

    If this job ever goes FT, it would be a VP title (I was formerly a director) which is a big jump in my career.

    Do I jump ship? I’ve started applying elsewhere and have gotten 3 replies in just the first week of the hunt. All of the call backs I am getting are for Director-level roles which would be a lateral move from the previous job. I am really stuck between the finances of it all and my work/life balance and peace of mind.

    Thoughts?

    1. Since your boss is your friend and mentor, why not go out to drinks with her and ASK. Say — look Suzie, I love working with you and want to do that forever, but realistically what are the chances that you get me approved as a full time VP? When do you think it’ll happen? Emphasize that its NOT bc you’re unhappy but monetarily you can’t afford to work PT and pay for COBRA forever, esp. since you could have other opportunities in your city. And then be prepared to REALLY listen to the answer. You know her best — maybe she’ll be direct and say, it likely won’t happen before May or whatever; in that case, sit down, do the math and see if you can afford your current arrangement and if not, do the other interviews. Or maybe it’ll be non specific mumbo jumbo re “I’m trying” — in which case, as much as you love her, you need to look out for yourself first and I’d go on the interviews ASAP.

      So much of this depends on your financial situation. If you’re someone who lives 50% below your means anyway and this just means you’re not saving — well if it were me I’d stay with my friend/mentor bc how often do good jobs like that come along. But if you NEED the rest of the salary, then start looking.

    3. I agree that you should talk to her. Also educate yourself on what’s being done re: misclassification of employees as contractors in your state. In CA (as well as federally) there’s a big push to find workers who are misclassified — even if the workers themselves don’t really object to being called a contractor. I’m NOT suggesting that you file a complaint against your employer, because it sounds like you two are on the same team, but you might want to advise her that, for the good of the business, she should really move you to employee status ASAP.

    4. Wait, you’re working 40+ hours and only agreed to bill for 28? Surely I’m missing something here?

      1. @Walnut

        No, you’re totally right. She got approvals for me to bill 28 hours per week as a PT consultant, but it became immediately clear that there is no way this job could get done in 28 hours a week and that in this consultant phase, I am basically auditioning for the FT role and proving this position is necessary to her boss (the company’s CEO). So, I end up working a normal FT schedule and only billing the 28 hour cap that we agreed upon because 1) it’s the only way to get this work done and 2) if I don’t do that, then it appears I am failing and the VP FT role will never come. I feel stuck.

        1. Agreed with the others on talking to your boss, but while you wait for that to transpire, I would follow up on the other opportunities. You’re shorting yourself in so many ways.

          3. @Walnut and Anonymous @ 1:07pm

            Even though I am much happier, much more relaxed, not stressed out, and have incredible flexibility? Is that not worth the pay arrangement? This is my core issue. I made more money before and was on the verge of a breakdown. Does that change anything in your opinions?

          4. Ok, thanks. I see there is a consensus here so maybe I am drinking the happy-life Kool Aid and shortchanging myself.

        2. But isn’t there a risk that TPTB see that you can get the job done in 28 hours and there’s no need for a FT role?

          1. @Anon 1:22pm

            I can’t get this done in 28 hours, which is why I work 40+.

            FWIW, I’m starting a communications division at a company that has never had marketing or comms. I hired a staff, I’m creating process, I’m establishing relationships with press, etc.

            This can’t happen in 28 hours but I can only bill for 28 hours.

          2. Are the ultimate decision makers aware of exactly how many hours you are working though? Maybe I’m just cynical, but I’d be nervous that they’d have no incentive to make you an official FT employee because they are getting such a good deal with you now.

          3. Then you should start working only 28 hours. They are using you. They have zero incentive right now to make this a permanent full time position if you are showing them they can do it for half the cost…. and in only “28 hours”. If the decisions on a position are above your boss’ head, you are in trouble.

            Your situation is very common now. I know a lot of people working like this… part time as a “consultant”, no benefits, no job security. It really, really sucks…. especially when you are working full time hours.

            But there also are upsides. Incredible flexibility. Congrats on finding a job you enjoy with less stress. Now time to start maneuvering to get the position you deserve. Work less.

          4. Right, but the deciders don’t know that you’re working 40+, so they only see the need for 28 hours of work in this position. Your manager has no ammunition for making the position full time since you are doing such a great job getting it all done in a perceived 28 hours a week.

          5. Thanks, all. So very true. She is having a hard time selling in to the CEO that a comms department is critical and that I need to be FT so I might be setting myself up for the long term okey doke.

          6. Yes, but TPTB only see that you are billing for 28 hours. So they think you can do it on a part time a schedule. If you are going to stay, I think you need to change the goals or timeline so you are not working almost a third more then they are paying you for

  27. I’m spending an upcoming weekend staying with close friends who had a baby a few months ago. Any ideas of things I can bring to them or things I can do for them while I’m there?

    1. Offer to hold the baby while mom naps. Don’t wake mom up immediately when baby starts crying. The point is to let mom nap. Same for showers.

      It depends on the baby, but even a few months into it newborns can take up ALL your time and energy, and just having someone to hold and watch the baby for half an hour while I had some time to myself was great.

    2. When I was a couple months postpartum, all I wanted was a few hours to go sip coffee in a coffee shop and maybe run a few errands BY MYSELF. So definitely offer to watch the baby while they get out of the house, or even for a date night.

    3. Bring some wine and friendship, too. I’m sure they are starving for normal adult life. And any kind of celebrity and friend group gossip, if applicable.

    4. Offer to run errands: grocery shopping, post office, Ikea runs, whatever. Or hold baby while they do these things. Offer to cook some stuff and freeze it (would be nice to bake brownies, eat half with friends then freeze half). If your friend is into this kind of stuff, talk about clothes – finding a new pp wardrobe was my second hobby for 6-9 months, ha.

      And finally, get a sense of how much is too much. We hosted friends for a weekend two months pp, and honestly, for me, it was way too early. I thought I’d be cool with it and I just wasn’t. The hassle of hosting, or worrying about what to feed them, of worrying about nursing around them, the worry of the hundred things you’re worried about at that time, was just too much, and would have been improved 1000% by them staying at a hotel. BUT that’s just me, and I totally understand that many people are in a much different (better) place than I was ~8 weeks.

    5. Food! Come with food (or arrange for food delivery if you are flying/don’t cook). It was nice having visitors in those early months but WONDERFUL when the visitors left and we had meals for the next three days :) You don’t have to go super crazy… for example, I like bringing a big container of chili and a loaf of banana bread, etc. Fresh fruit is also great.

  28. Depending on how close.. cleaning and laundry! Or cook a bunch of meals for the freezer!

    My little sister came to stay with us and she did all of the above which was heavenly. She also bought us a bunch of baskets from target for random toys etc and that was probably the best gift.

  29. How do we feel about “lady investor” language? Sally Krawchek has this amazing new platform called Ellevest, and IMHO it’s basically an Instagram-savvy Betterment or Wealthfront. Looking for personal opinions on being referred to as a “female investor.”

    1. I’m not familiar with the platform, but my guess is that there are two ways to approach offering a service like this: 1) Rebrand investing as “woman-friendly” by dressing up the site in pink and pairing it with cooking tips and condescending simplified language, or 2) Focus on the unique and under-met needs of the increasing numbers of independent and/or single and/or career-minded women. I think 2) is great and no different than investment platforms that cater to other niche groups. I think 1) is insulting to women’s intelligence and would not use such a platform.

      1. To probe – do you fall into the category you describe in #2? If so, what do you consider your unmet needs? This is the part I struggle with – it feels similar to describing women as a voting block – we are not a homogeneous group, but what are the traits that all/most women have or value when it comes to investing?

      2. The Ellevest platform is green, not pink. I’m interested to hear of anyone’s real life experience with it. I’m particularly interested to know if at any point you actually speak to a real human, or if you’re just clicking radio buttons for them to “personalize” your plan.

        1. Also, I think Vanguard’s Personal Advisor service is cheaper in terms of fees? (Correct me if I’m wrong, I didn’t go check Vanguard’s page). I think Ellevest’s page looks sleek and professional, and they explicitly disclaim any sort of “shrinking and pinking.” That said, I am not totally sure that robo-advising for women as a group makes a ton of sense.

      3. I only fall into the career-minded part of the above, but I think women have a (good!) tendency to be planners and caretakers in the future. For instance, I know way more women than men who have planned ahead for financial concerns related to elderly parents. More and more single women are also choosing to become single mothers (much more so than single men are choosing to become single fathers). I think there are also a lot of women, myself included, for whom the idea of a having an investment advisor is appealing but who feel like many planners are too pushy and try to upsell you too much. A reasonable fee-based investment advising service would appeal to me and many women I know, but I realize a lot of men might want/benefit from such a service as well.

    2. I don’t even get this. What is the point of it? I’m really big into investing (though don’t work in finance). Why would a “lady investor” be any different than a “male investor”? Is it the implication that ladies are not as interested in a high return or are just so gosh darn risk averse that they need different products than males who let it ride in energy or biotech or whatever the riskiest sector is at any given time? Do explain.

      1. From my POV in the industry, it’s because ladies are “investing averse.” Many women (of retirement age, hence, those most encountered by financial services industry) allow/want the men in their lives to “handle” this part of their life. It’s really hard for me to understand that POV as a millennial, but I definitely get that many of them were not able to open their own credit card accounts without spousal consent, and by way of tradition or legal ability, didn’t really take ownership of their financial situation. The numbers support cause for concern – most $ are or will be held by women in the future, but the industry (read: financial advisors and bankers) is dominated by men. Many women (and others!) feel intimidated by the industry, and Ellevest is just one person’s solution to the problem.

        @LaJen – what do you mean by the Ellevest platform is “Green”? Like, it’s environmentally friendly?

      2. I agree with this. I’m not scared of money or investing and use vanguard almost exclusively (after checking out betterment, wealthfront, the schwab intelligent advisor, personal capital, etc) because it offers the lowest fees and using the target return funds and some mix of thigns i happen to be personally interested in like reits and biotech is more than sufficient for me. i dont think women need a special investing platform – if anything maybe more widespread education. but whats the point of ellevest? why not just point someone to bogleheads or learnvest and some basic personal finance stuff???

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