Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lunar New Year Shimmer-Scale Motif Cardigan

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1. I have a colleague who raises his voice and makes rude comments when I disagree with him or point out something was not done correctly, which is part of my job. I’ve confirmed with several women that this isn’t unique to me, and he is known to be a bully. I want to handle it better, but in the moment, I sometimes lose my cool and end up engaging in his argument. I plan to avoid him, but how do I get better at staying calm and collected if this happens again? Role-playing exercises? Leave the conversation?

   1. To keep myself from engaging in pointless arguments, I sometimes speak the first few words of what I want to say to myself, inside my head, in pig latin. To an observer, it looks like I’m carefully thinking about the other person’s point and formulating a considered response. In reality I’m thinking, “ou-yay erk-jay.” Try this approach ;)

      1. This is hilarious!

   2. is this alone or in front of others?

      1. Mostly alone, but he recently did it in front of a few of his reports.

         1. Even more reason to call it out. He does it to them, so mode how to handle it professionally, for their sake if not yours.

   3. It would be fantastic if you could pause when he interrupts, wait until he is done ranting, then tell him calmly that he seems too emotional to have a conversation right now so you will plan to revisit the topic when he has better control of himself.

      1. This is the dream scenario! I have such a hard time controlling my urge to “defend myself” when he does it. My father was verbally abusive so it’s triggering for me and yes I’ve had lots of therapy.

         1. If you were my friend or colleague, I would love to practice this with you so you could pull it off IRL. Do you have a friend who might role-play this with you?

      2. Pause, don’t respond until the rant is over, then say “are you done now? Can we move on?” has always worked wonders for me. It’s the professional equivalent of letting a toddler scream it out.

         1. I recently saw some meme or tweet that when a guy starts yelling you treat them like a child and say “whoa buddy, those are some BIG feelings.” Not suggesting that’s a great external response, but internally it would totally help me recenter.

      3. This would be viewed as an unprofessional remark in all of the places I’ve ever worked. It doesn’t matter if you make the remark calmly or in a raised voice if you are belittling the other person. I could see this ending up before HR if there are others present.

         1. Not the Anon above, but please explain why it’s okay to scream but not okay to tell someone that screaming is unacceptable.

         2. Perhaps if a junior employee were saying it to someone more senior than them, but I have no patience for such man-babies as this who treat women like this and also have no issue calmly explaining to his boss and HR that his repeated abusive verbal outbursts need to be reined in before his habitual harassment makes the workplace any more hostile than it already has.

         3. Nope. Not when you’re being screamed at. It’s fine.

         4. “Emotional” is a fairly common euphemism in the workplace. If you’re giving someone negative feedback and they cry, and you have to report back to their manager about how they took it, you would probably not say that they cried you would say they were a little emotional/upset/some other euphemism for sad. Anger is an emotion too. I reject the notion that a man who has a temper tantrum can get away with being described as strident or forceful or whatever euphemism with a positive connotation (when describing a man, anyway). No. We’ve got to call male bad behavior what it is – poor emotional regulation.

            1. You can reject it all you like. I just want to point out to readers who may not have as benevolent a workplace that this approach can land them in hot water. I’ve got one friend who keeps pulling stuff like this and it’s her third workplace where she’s been referred to HR and she doesn’t get why it keeps happening to her.

               I don’t think yelling is okay, either. But those who yell are still in their jobs and she is not.

            2. 12:34 anon – there is a vast difference between a matter-of-fact statement about how disruptive Chadwick’s emotional outbursts upon receiving necessary feedback are in the workplace, and someone declaring “OMG, you’re an emotional wreck!!!”

            3. What are the exact circumstances, anon at 12:34? I can imagine a BigLaw firm in which a rainmaker partner reams her out for missing a deadline and she responds that way, then finds herself in a seat in HR. I cannot imagine a nasty person yelling at a coworker, a coworker responding with “we will talk about this when you have calmed down,” and being told that she is on a PIP for that.

         5. Op if this is your concern, then ask for advice from your managers and advisors at the office, people who know your culture and will protect you

   4. Change your thinking from “IF this happens to again” to “WHEN this happens again” and then role play your response. the response that is appropriate and what you want to do is going to vary on the context. Since you said it’s mostly alone, I would mentally role play how you’re going to immediately make your point “this was done incorrectly” and leave the conversation – be dismissive, because he deserves it when he’s behaving this way. Sometimes to get my attitude level correct, I go into situations: “how would The Queen act?” It sounds woo-woo but you just carry yourself differently when you are envisioning yourself as a reincarnated Queen Cleopatra.

   5. If it’s your job, avoiding him isn’t a good idea – after it happens the next time I’d say in the moment XYZ is not an appropriate response to feedback and we will be scheduling a meeting to discuss this after you’ve had a few days to reflect. Then put something on the calendar for a few days later, and have a firm but clear talk – it’s my job to give you feedback. On multiple occasions including (examples) you’ve responded with a raised voice and rude comments. That’s not appropriate in this workplace and it needs to stop.

      And then stop talking and see how he reacts. If he can’t or won’t change, next steps depend on the HR and politics of your organization but first step is always being clear about the problem.

   6. In a work setting, I believe if you raise your voice or write an email in all caps you lose all credibility. Grownups should be capable of expressing themselves by their word choice. When someone raises their voice I think “How embarrassing that they don’t know how to get a point across effectively.” This prevents me from reacting emotionally. If you respond calmly and rationally it takes the wind out of their sails.

      1. When I see this behavior, I imagine it as a Michael Scott plot or a meme. Not recommending you laugh at him, but do what you need to do internally to deflate the power of his words and feelings over you.

   7. I recall listening to an interview with neuroscientist Andrew Huberman where he talked about the human desire to have their energy matched. When someone is shouting and you reply calmly, it is far more frustrating than if you had shouted back. Thinking of it that way has helped me be a little braver about breaking the energy of a room.

   8. + 1 million on all the comments about expecting it to happen again, preplanning a short easy response and practicing with friends and with yourself.

      Take a deep breath before you respond. Give your pre planned response. Expect he will push back, deep breath again and 2nd part of preplanned response. He may not change but you can change how you react to him.

      Lose the expectation that if you just say the ‘right’ thing, he will be better. This is a him problem – there are no magic words. There are only the words that make you feel better. Are you a Swiftie? Bonus points if you can work in a lyric reference in your canned response. ‘If I was a man’ might give you ideas.

      Be kind to yourself if you do all this work and still have a frustrating interaction or don’t say the thing you planned to say. Baby steps and kindness to yourself.

   9. Ugh, I had this. Eventually I was like “look, this is not worth getting worked up over. Please work on separating emotion from your job. It’s great that you’re passionate but it’s important to communicate professionally. The employee assistance program can help you find resources if needed, which you can access via Our System.” I’m not sure if it was effective, but boy did it tick him off. And eventually we fired him! :)

      1. Wow – nicely done!

   10. I suggest a different approach to the ‘call him out on it’ one. Unless you are the person’s boss, you are taking a risk by calling out someone else’s emotional behavior. If you call the person out, you could easily be seen as engaging in an argument (especially if the person pushes your buttons and you get worked up) or criticizing without authority to do so. My approach would be to end the meeting/walk away with a simple’ we’ll continue this later’ If you do this a few times, the person might learn that you are not tolerating this behavior. If not and the behavior continues, then report it to the person’s supervisor to handle if you are comfortable doing that. You would have given the offender a few chances to shape up so I would feel no guilt about reporting the person. Having to end meetings due to a person’s behavior is impacting the work, and is something the supervisor needs to know about. It’s not up to you to manage that person- it’s up to the supervisor. Signed, HR exec

       1. No, but it is important to draw the boundary that you will not tolerate being treated that way. I would say, very calmly and matter-of-fact, something like “that tone/turn of phrase is not necessary here; the fact of the matter is…” or “It seems like this is upsetting you, perhaps we can revisit later,” or just “Wow…. Moving on to the substance…”

   11. You: “You may not realize this, but you raise your voice when you feel strongly. Please do not yell at me. I find it threatening”.

       He will then yell – “I am not yelling.” You respond in a very calm voice: “I can assure you that you are. We can pick this back up when you are calmer.” Then walk away. And if it happens again, report to HR that he is screaming at you (preferably after he does it in front of someone else), that he seems to only do it to women, and that you find it threatening and unprofessional.

   12. Tell him he’s being emotional. That he needs to calm down. Do a “man” on him. That’s what they tell us women, right?

2. How do you stay intellectually stimulated as you age? I was a “talented/gifted” kid all through school, and now I’m … kinda bored, for lack of a better word.

   1. How old are you? What stage of life are you in/ what are the responsibilities on your plate? Read challenging books, watch interesting documentaries or movies. Take on a new hobby.

      How to stay challenged when you’re working and single are vastly different than when you have toddlers vs middle grades kids vs older kids or late career with no kids.

      1. I agree with this in general regarding life stages. If you have the time, you could learn a new language. Takes a while though!

      2. I don’t think you have to feel limited by life stage. I’m 50 now, but regardless of life stage, I’ve always tried to squeeze in some new ideas or experiences. Listen to podcasts featuring academics even if you don’t have time for a class, take yourself to a lecture or art exhibit even if it’s only once or twice a year, find a cute park or town a couple hours away and make a day trip where you go for a hike or attend a festival or visit a restaurant if you don’t have time or resources for a more significant trip. Willingness to change up routine now and then is a bigger determinant than life stage.

   2. I was G&T too and am now in a dead end job that requires very little mental effort. The best solution for me has been taking college classes for fun to fill out gaps in my general education. I took a coding class in person (for college credit) at the local university, and have done some online classes (not for credit) in various other subjects. I’m doing a Greek mythology class on Coursera now since I learned shockingly little of that stuff at my “good” public high school. I also do a lot of crosswords and Sudoku. I can do the Mon-Wed NYT crosswords pretty easily but the ones later in the week are still hard for me.

      I also think volunteering can scratch this itch, even if it doesn’t require a high IQ or traditional book smarts. I lead a Girl Scout troop, and I find that takes a LOT of mental energy, even though it’s not intellectual.

   3. traveling abroad – learning a little of a new language and absorbing another culture. Trying new things, which can range from watching YouTube videos to repair your own whatever, to a new hobby. Reading.

   4. I was a “talented/gifted” kid too and found that it became meaningless when I was done school, and that I became bored because I wasn’t being fed things.
      I looked around for things that were interesting to me and decided to learn more about it, and then found something else, and then something else, and on like that. I started with the library and the internet and fit it in between everything else.

   5. I honestly can barely keep up with my work, which requires a lot of analytical thinking, so there’s not a ton of time for extracurriculars right now.

      But to engage the other side of my brain, I play piano and guitar – especially on piano, there’s always a new piece to try to master, and that keeps my brain obsessed/engaged – even while I’m deep in work, there will be an undercurrent of whatever I’m learning on piano running through my brain.

      I also read, of course. Trying to read a little more non fiction and learn about things I haven’t explored before.

      1. Reading the comments below, I should add that I’ve been trying to learn French for ages. Kind of a thing I did during my commute, but now I WFH and am rusty. I managed to get around in France with my French 2 level French, but of course in Paris, just about everyone preferred to speak English with me.

         1. Maybe try a new language with a non-Latin script like Arabic or Japanese? That might be interesting.

   6. A challenging job, reading, interesting hobbies, being involved in the community.

   7. I go the opposite of my very white collar job (in house lawyer) and get my hands dirty – home reno, working on the car, etc. For me, it scratches the spatial reasoning, mechanical problem solving itch that my job just doesn’t have any aspect of. I also do a lot of a physical activity, and then fall down rabbit holes with podcasts. The challenge, as I think about it typing it out, if finding stuff that is using my brain/body in a way that my job doesn’t.

      1. Yep, definitely. I do a decent amount of volunteer work and people eye me up for their committees/boards, but I just want to do manual labour?

      2. My dad was a lawyer who was also like this. Home renos and gardening were his jam.

      3. This. IANAL, but my work can be mentally tiring, so I need that balance of doing physical things or I start getting inside my own head too much. Baking, gardening, and physical activity all scratch that itch.

      4. Also in house attorney, also into car and home repair.

   8. Learn new languages and new activities which for me is mostly non- team sports.

      Every season I sign up for something I haven’t done before whether it’s a one time chocolate making class or 3 months of skating lessons.

      If you have a couple languages already I like to go back and reread my favourite classic books in the original language. It’s accessible because I know the story already but somehow it makes it hit different. Victor Hugo reads better in French just like I imagine that Charles Dickens doesn’t read the same if it isn’t English.

      And rereading this I realize I am the whitest of white ladies between my skating and euro lit.

   9. I feel like this too. I took Spanish conversation classes and art classes, but those add up. Weekly trivia night helps a lot tbh. Reading and jigsaw puzzles.

   10. Sometimes I make things, like I’ve designed and built a treehouse for my kids and developed a custom deer-deterrent system for my garden that involved coordinating multiple devices and programming things.

   11. By staying or becoming curious. Being smart doesn’t mean you’re naturally curious, it means you picked up material handed to you. The gloriousness of being an adult is being able to pursue whatever interests you. I’ve got a zillion things outside my job I’m interested in and at work, I like to know more about the company, the industry, what my colleagues do, etc. if you’re curious, you will never be bored.

       1. +1

       2. +1000

          I approach everything with a beginner’s mind even if I’ve done it a million times. That means trying to look at my daily walk with fresh eyes, and maybe I’ll see a new bird! Or I’ll notice a neighbor has painted their shutters a new color. Or the lake will look extra beautiful.

          I also read a lot, play bridge (social and mental stimulation), and write creatively.

          Even if you’re very smart, you can still learn and experience new things all the time. Try to cultivate that.

   12. Honestly I watch PBS! They have tons of short-format YT videos.

   13. Not to threadjack but I struggle with exactly the opposite…. I was a gifted/talented kid, 3 advanced degrees and am totally floundering at work (100% contributing to the stereotype that degrees from my institution are no indicator of quality in a candidate). Through therapy and personal reflection, I’ve been able to identify 3 main factors: 1) the field I’m better at (tbh, amazing at) does not pay well, so I picked this field to meet my financial obligations. I expected to sacrifice to fulfillment for stability but did not anticipate how I would struggle at simply being “good” 2) Growth mindset vs. achievement/static mindset…. my peers learned to struggle through and figure things out to reach success…. I have usually been smart enough (or passionate enough in my previous field) until ~2 years ago that that was not a real problem and now I feel like I’ve hit a wall. I’m constantly telling myself that I’m not dumb, but I have to find a way to improve. 3) I’m burnt out, have been for multiple years, but have not been able to prioritize myself due to stressful personal/family circumstance so it just gets worse year after year.

       Take my advice with a grain of salt, but if you’re bored, I would say that’s much better than feeling like you’re having to push a boulder up a mountain. Not using up all your brain energy at work leaves capacity for intellectually engaging interests outside of work. The suggestions from other comments are great, perhaps also revisit hobbies/passions from previous chapters of life to see if picking them back up would excite you. Or consider if finding a better paying job would resolve what you’re feeling…. are you ok with boredom if it funds an exciting life outside of work? Just my two cents.

   14. My job. It’s the thing I spend the most of my time on, I need it to be interesting otherwise I get pretty depressed.

       1. +1 My job as well. I work with senior colleagues with 40+ years in their field. Conversing with them reminds me how much more is out there for me to discover.

          Corollary: hang out with older people.

   15. Try finding some Citizen Science or other crowdsourced research activities like Transcribe Benthem https://www.ucl.ac.uk/bentham-project/transcribe-bentham or any of the .gov citizen science projects https://www.citizenscience.gov/catalog/#. My favorite crowdsourced project was the Old Weather ww2 project because they had the ships “race” to see who would finish the logbooks sooner and it was an excellent gamification https://www.oldweather.org/index.html

   16. What does being “gifted” in school have to do with it? Is it that you did well with material handed to you but don’t know how to generate curiosity beyond achievement? I’m not trying to be rude; I’m trying to figure out why that seems like an important piece to you.

       That said — if you’re bored, learn something new. I’d recommend doing something that’s craft- or body-based, but if you’re dedicated to doing something that would be considered traditionally intellectual, then find a subject and delve into it. Language, philosophy, art history, political theory, whatever. Take a community college course. Go online for college courses and/or syllabi. Volunteer your time to causes that are important to you.

       1. I thought the same thing. Why does it matter what they labeled you as a child. Part of intelligence is creating an interesting life for yourself.

   17. Small, day to day version: a paper subscription to the New York Times, read cover to cover and all games worked, and a subscription to Games magazine. I probably need to work on being physically engaged as I’ve no doubt it affects one’s mental well being.

3. Just venting, or maybe looking for advice: my 88 year old grandmother is having some health issues and probably early dementia, and it’s making her really mean. She was always a little sassy, but in a sweet way. Now she’s lashing out at pretty much everyone, saying that her children has always been a disappointment, her husband is awful, her life is terrible, etc. I feel really guilty because I used to call her a lot, but now I just… don’t want to. I’m also grieving the loss of that relationship even though she’s still there, because I used to really enjoy our chats. I live far away so in person visits aren’t an option. I get that she’s feeling like everything is slipping away but oof, it’s rough, and she’s alienated everyone who cares for her in the process. Commiseration?

   1. Rather than calling, have you considered writing her an old-school note? It doesn’t change the circumstances, but does allow you to control the narrative so you can communicate with the sweetly sassy grandmother you remember and not get stuck in the current dementia-driven issues. She may or may not react to your notes, but assuming someone can read them to her, I think the gesture would be lovely.

      1. I really like this suggestion!

      2. +1 letters plus printed pictures of your life. Similar situation with my grandma and she kept the cards/photos long into her disease as it encoded as something that she loved.

      3. Oh that’s a good idea! She used to write lovely letters. I’m not sure if she’s able to respond, but I suspect she would like that.

   2. I understand, my grandma is having memory decline too and she’s become nasty and bitter. She’s completely intolerable to deal with, we can not have a simple polite conversation. No advice just commiseration.

   3. It’s really rough, but you can’t change it. That’s the hardest part of dementia care, realizing you can only handle your responses and you cannot control or change the person’s behavior or even make them see why it’s bad. In my experience, it takes a long time to come to terms with this. You’ll want to admonish inappropriate behavior in the moment or you’ll think that if you just explain it the right way at a calm time, that will help, but it doesn’t. All you can do is practice brushing it off and not getting upset about it because she can’t help it. Keep making the calls, but keep them shorter. I’m so sorry.

   4. Follow some dementia support insta accounts. There are so many good tips for how to flip the direction of conversations. Try to remember it’s the illness and that engaging with her is more important now than ever. The more you engage in conversation, the more it helps keep her grounded and less lonely and afraid. Stress makes symptoms worse. Her behavior isn’t a character flaw but the natural reaction of a body that is dealing with a horrible disease. You wouldn’t shy away from someone whose bone breaks. It’s hard to see it sometimes in the moment, but the lashing out is the same way—it’s like a break in the mind.

   5. I’m so sorry, that’s really rough. That happened with my grandma when she developed Alzheimer’s. All of a sudden she hated our family, cut my mom off, removed her as her proxy, etc. So my advice would be to make sure all that stuff is in place before she’s too ill/incompetent!

   6. All the commiseration. What helped was knowing that my talking to her was helpful for her health. Loneliness is a big health issue. I also had better luck redirecting her to tell stories about her childhood and young adult years. People often have clear kind memories from earlier times even as their short term memory or personality changes.

      So like when she’s ranting about your Dad being a disappointment – ask her to tell you want he was like when he was 5, what was the silliest thing he did, what was his school like, where did she go to elementary school etc.

   7. Does she like to cook at all? Either now or when she was younger? My great-aunt could remember all her recipes long after she had forgotten her daughter’s name. I tried to get a recipe from her on each phone call and to talk a little about an occasion that she made it for or if it was a regular supper or lunch item. I made them into a recipe book for the other nieces and nephews. It was a nice reminder of happier times before dementia stole her from us. On days that she struggled more, I often talked to her about what I was cooking/baking or thinking of trying to make.

   8. I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she is seeing a Neurologists who specializes in aging/dementia/behavioral changes.

      This sort of change could be dementia but it can also be depression which is horribly undertreated in the elderly. It often manifests as irritable/angry etc… And it can be seen together with dementia. It can be treatable with medication, among other things. Hopefully someone is accompanying her to doctor’s appointments and is talking to the doctor privately.

      When my aging relative was exhibiting this behavior, I messaged his primary care doctor ahead of time and he assessed him and actually got him started on medication after doing a thorough medical work-up (lots of medical things can cause behavioral changes). He also referred him to the Dementia clinic (where we learned it wasn’t dementia!) and then to a geriatric psychiatrist.

   9. Anticipatory grief is very real. If you haven’t read about it, I suggest you do. Your grandmother has changed and those changes are probably part of the inevitable decline of her body and mind toward her death at some point. Your grieving process does not start when she dies; it has begun. Hugs.

   10. That happened with my mother too. I don’t have any solutions, we just endured.

       I think it started when she was still competent enough to know what was happening but not able to process it well. It endured to the bitter end. She got summarily thrown out of one dementia care unit for posing an immediate physical danger to staff and other patients. I ended up disassociating the angry, violent being in front of me from my mother. Towards the end, “Mother” was long gone, never to return. I tended to her and tried to make her comfortable much as if she were wounded wildlife, because my mother wasn’t there any more and it didn’t make sense to expect her to be.

       In summary, you are on a sliding slope of “it’s my mother – no it’s not” and if you keep the “no it’s not” as to out of character behavior in the forefront of your mind it’s a lot easier to take.

4. Can anyone recommend knee high boots (preferably with a low block heel) for petites? I’ve ordered a whole bunch of boots trying to find one that is short enough for my legs. I’ve even ordered some mid-calf ones (thinking they’d be high enough on me), but they just hit at the widest part of my calf and make me look even stumpier. I finally got a pair in yesterday from Nordstrom from Naturalizer and while they looked ok from the front, as soon as I bent my leg I could feel the leather hitting the back of my knee uncomfortably. About to give up but figured there might be some other short-legged ladies on here with some advice!

   1. No specific recommendations for boots, but you might find some ideas on the Extra Petite blog.

      1. +1

         Very good resource

      2. Note that Extra Petite’s boot and shoe recommendations rarely work for me because I do not have narrow calves and narrow feet. Just be aware of this if you are short but not willowy.

   2. Duo boots come in both a range of calf sizes and a range of 3 shaft heights, so you should be able to find something that fits.

      1. Thank you, this is exactly what I was looking for! They have petite boots and everything!

   3. Years ago, I read a post by a petite blogger who had some boots shortened by a shoe repair shop

   4. They’re expensive, but I love my knee-high Aquitalia boots (which I got on sale a couple of years ago). Nordstrom has the Ricarda and several other styles on sale right now.

5. Does temp office work still exist? I am trying to help a recent college graduate whose schedule doesn’t allow for a real job search yet. She is spending time in the city where she finished school, but has a 3 week vacation planned soon. Back in the day, people in her situation would contact a temp agency and work as a receptionist for a week and then as a file clerk for a few days and then maybe do some miscellaneous other office support. Is there an equivalent for that now? Or anything that would give her some interesting, experience without needing a long-term commitment? Volunteer work isn’t off the table — experience and something to fill her time are key.

   1. Yes sure. Google “temp agency”

   2. Snag a job dot com

   3. Is the blocker that she needs to do some work/have some income while also job searching, or is it that she thinks there’s no point in starting search until after her vacation?

      1. She has applied for some jobs, but no one wants to train her, have her disappear for 3 weeks, come back for 3 months and then leave permanently. It would be different if she was making that location her permanent home.

   4. Absolutely. Kelly, Randstad, or any local agencies. The other advantage of getting in with them is that if she does a good job, they might put her up for higher level roles (perm or temp to perm).

      1. When I look at these websites, I see a lot more light labor than office jobs. But I will have her look at them. She doesn’t even want temp to perm because her plan is to return home after her friends graduate.

         1. They are national agencies and can also recommend her for when she is home.

            For Kelly Services: go to the US page (if in America), click on the menu in the upper right hand corner, and drill down to “administrative and office.” IIRC, they don’t advertise the super short term roles because by the time they have someone screened and enrolled in the system, the project has come and gone.

      2. Yes
         Robert Half is largest staffing firm
         They do a lot of technology consulting but general office also

   5. Anecdata, several people I know have completely struck out with temp work after signing up with agencies in our East Coast city.

      1. I used Beacon Hill as a young grad, and had a nice experience overall. I particularly liked that they paid on a weekly basis!

   6. Spend the next couple weeks volunteering (which sometimes also takes time) and then get in touch w temp agencies that let you talk to a real human. Have her apply places and explain her exact timeframe, starting AFTER the 3 week vaca. My law firm would absolutely hire her as a temp person, but wouldn’t want her to start before the 3 week vaca out of fears she would flake out. Her compensation expectations need to be low, but many offices would hire her to do a specific project. Example: pull staples, scan, shred, repeat for the 100+ boxes we have in our file room.

6. We’re still freezing in the Midwest which makes RTO even harder. We are in the office 2 days a week. What can make working in the office more enjoyable? I hung family pictures in my cubicle. There’s barely anyone on my floor, which I don’t mind because it’s quiet. Our building is five blocks from any coffee shops and restaurants, so it’s doable when I have the time and the weather is good, but it’s not close enough to grab a coffee every morning. Any way to change my mindset so I don’t hate working in the office and maybe actually enjoy it?

   1. Can you work in the office on days when people are there? I feel like it defeats the purpose if people aren’t around; then you really might as well be at home.

      1. Everyone is here on the same two days each week. RTO doesn’t apply to everyone, just those of us in a certain employment classification. I have few work friends and they don’t have to work in the office. I do try to schedule meetings in person whenever possible but most people still call in from their offices even if they are in the building. Yes we all think it is pointless to be here. I mostly like my job so I want to make the best of RTO.

         1. Can you try to meet other people who are in, at least so you see some friendly faces from time to time? I have to be in one day a week, and I make it a point to take a 15-minute break to walk around the floor and say hello to anyone else who is in. One of my colleagues started a drop-in “lunch bunch” where people gather in a conference room so we are not all eating sad solo desk lunches, and it’s helped too.

   2. I bought a cute lamp and some colorful (but not TOO colorful lol) file folders for my new, depressingly gray office.
      The lamp is a BASK brand and I found it on Am@zon.

   3. +1 to working when your colleagues/work friends are also in the office. I look forward to seeing the people I’m friends with. And book in-person meetings, it helps make the days pass faster and not feel pointless/lonely.

   4. Is there anything about your set up in the office that makes working on certain types of work easier? I have two monitors at work but only a laptop at home, so when I was was still hybrid, I would save some projects to work on with two monitors. I also second trying to work when other people are there — it’s nice to catch up in person.

   5. It’s helped me to have certain tasks that I focus on when I’m in the office. Makes it feel like it’s worth my time that way. I also have made my office as comfortable as possible. Throw blanket when it’s cold, a lamp, pictures, plants. I also work in a food desert so I brought a small coffee pot to work so I can brew my own. I also have a small assortment of cocoa mix and tea in my desk drawers. Although I don’t love leaving my house on cold mornings, I am generally happy when I get here and like the separation between home life and work life.

      1. And before everyone clutches their pearls about having an office blanket, most of my floor does the same thing. And the blankets were from our boss, who knows how cold it gets in here.

   6. In the office 3 days a week. I try and load/save as many tasks or projects for those days so that I don’t get bored. It lightens the load on my WFH days.

   7. Plan something that you don’t have in your home neighborhood for lunchtime or after – an exercise class or meeting a friend for a drink or meal

7. Morning. I’m looking for parenting advice and am posting here in hopes that there are some folks on this board who’ve Been There, Done That — the C-Moms convo tends to run a bit young for this, I think.

   I have three kids, ages 14, 11, and 8. I had a difficult upbringing — my single mom was a mentally unstable yeller, we lived in poverty, and she was a hoarder. All of this has, of course, impacted me — and I’ve been in therapy off and on for many, many years. Important to this story: my husband and I have a stable, loving marriage and we are definitely financially secure. Not as wealthy as many on this board, but our kids want for nothing and we have an extremely comfortable life.

   This is going to sound SO WEIRD, but I need to figure out how hard I should be pushing on my kids in terms of chores (and other expectations of them). I was adulting from an extremely young age, so my view is skewed. But can you give me a sense of what is “normal” in terms of cleaning up the house — like, I get that it doesn’t have to be spic and span all the time (we are far from!) but they drive me batty when they leave a trail of stuff out/don’t clean up their messes on the dining room table/etc. So how annoyed can I get? I’m trying to weigh how much of this is (a) me having to grow up too fast, (b) my visceral reaction to mess since I grew up in a hoarder house, and (c) just a general desire for control. Our house is not huge, so it rarely gets to a mayday-level mess except when the girls are doing skincare in the bathroom ;)

   We typically ask all three kids to help pick up periodically during the week. If they bring lunch to school, they’re responsible for making it. They probably load/unload the dishwasher 4x/week (we run it daily). The two younger ones put away their own laundry that spouse and I fold; the 14 year old does her own. They also have full schedules with school, sports, and music/theater.

   I’m tired of stressing about the state of our home. I know much of this is my own issue, but I’d welcome a recalibration.

   1. My kids are 11, 14, 16. IME, I have to ask every single time to get them to clean up. I often find myself noticing a cup/bowl out in the playroom, etc., and having to go get them to clean it up. It is more annoying (2 steps) but also more effective (I hope!!!) than my picking it up when I see it. TBH you’re in a better place than I am if your 14yo does her own wash!

   2. Mine are 10 (almost 11) and 7 and purely anecdata, since you’re looking for that, your list of help around the house from the kids is similar to mine. They set the table, help with clearing dinner, assist with loading the dishwasher (but never do it all alone – I generally tetris the last of it myself), help with folding laundry, put away their own laundry, and generally pick up their rooms. I’ll ask for help beyond that, but they don’t have “set” chores. We have a cleaning person who comes ever 2 weeks, but the understanding is that she cleans, not picks up. They have to pick up before she comes. We’re by no means a super neat house (I’m Gen X, not a millenial, so I have a bit more “stuff” then you see on insta and am not ready to part with it), but our house is lived in. I have no qualms that my kids are going to grow up not knowing how to do things, but they also get to be kids.

   3. Maybe you could start with a routine of daily or weekly 5 minute pickups?

      Set a timer, everybody pick up and tidy together until the timer goes off, and then stop.

      If they see that you mean only five minutes and it’s not a trick, it’s easier to get them on board.

      1. We’ve started doing a nightly 10-minute re-set where we tidy up the living room and kitchen. I love walking downstairs to a tidy living room in the morning. We don’t vacuum or anything. Just put away toys, fold blankets, etc.

         1. I do this every night and it makes such a difference in the morning!

            1. Yes, I live alone in a 700 sq foot apartment but also do this every night and it’s so helpful

         2. Brilliant.

   4. typical chores for this age range-

      -setting table and helping to clean up kitchen after meals, putting away clean dishes
      -learning some aspects of cooking
      -tidying up after yourself (no trail of cr-p left at the end of the day, everything in its place)
      -for your two older kids, fully cleaning their own rooms (dusting, vacuuming, changing sheets including the laundry portion)
      -having them each do their own laundry can be super inefficient – by high school though I had been taught about how to sort clothes for what washes best together, what does or doesn’t go in the dryer, basics of stain treatment, not to put wet clothes in the hamper to mold unless doing laundry imminently
      -generally helping with bigger projects like snow shoveling, leaf raking

   5. I have a bunch of siblings and we had basic responsibilities – cleaning up after meals, keeping our spaces neat, vacuuming, etc. We could earn more allowance for add-on chores, like yardwork and laundry. Before I could work a summer job, I earned most of my pocket money via laundry.

      It sounds like you’re doing a great job of letting them be kids, but still teaching them that a home is the responsibility of everyone in it. Are you using any visuals – chore chart, big family whiteboard – to help remind them what they need to complete?

   6. I think the amount of chores they’re doing sound reasonable for their age. The only thing I would add is that I had to clean my own bathroom when I was a teenager, but maybe you have a house cleaner who does that sort of thing. I think it’s also reasonable for you to want them to pick up after themselves. That said, they’re kids and it won’t happen naturally or without some prodding.

   7. I have an 11-year-old. Similar socio-economic circumstances and also a loving, two-parent home. We expect about the same as you do. He also often leaves the dining room table or other surfaces a mess, which I find frustrating. Most of the time I just remind him to clean it up and move on though. I wouldn’t say it causes me a lot of stress.

   8. It sounds like you raised good kids who work hard at school and contribute to the home. Trails of stuff and mess on the table is very normal and given your framing of this I do think it’s more a you issue than a them issue. You could try baskets at the door, I have more luck requiring 5 minutes of tidying before dinner. But I’ve never seen why my kids should have to be perfectly clean and neat.

   9. As someone who didn’t notice messes, I found it exhausting to always be nagged in the moment. Can you dedicate ten minutes after dinner where Kid A wipes off the counters, Kid B puts away coats and shoes, and Kid C returns stray items to the bedrooms? It’s easier to do this during a natural transition than interrupt them while they’re doing something else. As long as the bedrooms and bathroom are clean (no food, mildew, or messes that will damage your house) let go of tidiness in those rooms you don’t personally use.

      1. What?? No, OP should not just let go of messes in the common areas in her house because it’s annoying to be nagged. If you don’t want to be nagged, then clean up after yourself. That’s an appropriate lesson to teach children.

   10. Mine is only 8, but I grew up similarly to you so I also struggle with this. My kid specific chores that she is always responsible for, every day, but I rarely ask her to do other chores. She has to put away her coat, shoes and bag as soon as she comes in the door, and if she brought a lunch, she has to empty and clean her lunchbox and put it in the sink. She has to help clear the table after dinner, then wipe it with cleaning spray, then sweep the floor under it (it’s 99% her own crumbs). She has to put all plates and cups in the sink when she’s done with them, throughout the day. And she has to pick up all her stuff from the living room and from the floor in her room before bedtime, including putting clothes in the hamper and hanging up her towel from the shower. I have to remind her of this almost every single day, even though these have been her chores for 3 years now. I think what you are asking for is the absolute minimum, and I wouldn’t hesitate to enforce it strictly.

       1. That’s a lot of chores! Which is fine but “enforce it strictly” raises my eyebrows.

          1. Eh, I see nothing wrong with reasonable consequences for not completing chores (so long as there isn’t an unusual circumstance preventing the chores from being done).

          2. Putting your stuff away is not a lot of chores to ask of an eight year old . . .

          3. I’m the anon above with the 8 year old — enforce it strictly in our house means I remind her constantly to do it and don’t let her watch TV or have dessert until it’s done.

   11. i myself am sometimes guilty of leaving stuff in the wrong place and DH is much much guiltier than i am (it drives me bonkers and i find it hard to enforce with the kids if he is doing it too). i like things to be orderly/everything put away. my twins are 5 so i would say we are very much a work in progress. they put their clothes in the hamper, tidy up their toys, bring their plate to the counter after dinner, put their shoes, back packs and coats away….but still leave a ton of stuff everywhere and sometimes the whining/complaining to clean up their toys lasts longer than the actual time it takes to clean up. one of my twins has a lot of fine/gross motor skill challenges and at this stage we just dont have the bandwidth for the additional time/mess her helping with certain things would add

   12. I like lists and defined tasks. My mom wasn’t full hoarder but veered in that direction I remember hating as a kid to be told to ‘clean up’ or ‘pick up’ because it felt overwhelming. I really prefer to give the kids specific tasks like they put their sports equipment away after practice or put away their laundry etc. You will probably have to give lots of reminders. That’s where you need to find a source of patience to pull from.

       We have a 12 year old and a 9 year old and your task lists sound in the right range. We also do a nightly ‘ten minute tidy’ when we just stop what we are doing and tidy by checking around the house for stuff that needs to go back where it belongs or some quick vaccums or counter wipe downs. It’s amazing how much can get done in ten minutes. I literally put the oven timer on so the kids know when the time is up.

   13. I’ll tell you what worked for me as a kid. My parents made me to ‘me’ chores. So I did my own laundry (including sheets/towels), cleaned my own room, made my own lunches etc. I think this really helped me learn chores in a non resentful way. I have a few memories of being in highschool (I was a vegan, still am, so I cooked my own meals) where I got in shouting matches with my mom because I only washed my dishes, but she wanted me to wash all the dishes, I thought that was unfair, no one cooks for me so I don’t clean for them.

       1. Interesting way to frame it. You probably did more chores than many kids, so this is absolutely not a knock (different strokes), but from my perspective, there’s also value in doing communal chores – taking out the trash, clearing the table for everyone, wiping down the main powder room, etc. Part of being in a family is learning to help and serve others, and they do the same for you. Hopefully that translates to doing your part in the larger community, too, and helps with equal partnership in marriage.

       2. Hmm, I was a lot like you in that I was vegetarian and made most of my own meals, cleaned my room, did my own laundry, etc., but there’s still something that strikes me as off about not making any contributions to the general household. It’s not like I was completely self sufficient in all ways, so it was reasonable to help out some. I also was happy to cook for the rest of the family, not just for me. I think it’s good to teach responsibility for yourself, but bad to set a precedent that everyone should have to take care of themself and themself only. That’s not the kind of family or society I want to live in!

          1. I think part of it is the difference between vegan (moral stance) as opposed to vegetarian (diet), I was not about to do anything I found unethical. I was almost entirely self sufficient in highschool I had a job and bought all my own clothes and groceries and stuff. When I moved out at 17 I also paid my own tuition and rent.

             1. I fail to see how washing others’ dishes is unethical…

                News flash, many vegetarians are vegetarian for ethical reasons too. And, regardless of the rationale for being vegan it’s still a diet.

                This comment feels very independent to a fault, which emphasizes the point made above.

             2. I was (and 30 years later still am) vegetarian for moral reasons, though these days I’m actually vegan as well. But I don’t really believe that you were entirely self sufficient in high school. No high school kid earns enough money to cover all of their expenses, including health insurance and room and board. That would be a completely absurd way to live.

                I’d never heard the quote below about how you wash the dirty dish because you love the person who will use it next, but I like it. That’s a much nicer way to live than believing that it’s unethical to wash dishes for people who eat meat. I’d certainly understand this attitude if your family was abusive and unloving, especially about your diet, but I don’t think I’d argue that it’s the ideal way to live.

   14. The thing that struck me reading what you wrote was not the list of chores but the emotion behind it (“how hard I should be pushing” “how annoyed can I get”). That’s where I wonder if your struggles with your upbringing are impacting your kids in a way you don’t want them to. Ideally when you are talking to your kids about chores, it’s just about the chores – it doesn’t sound like you’re there right now. Tough childhoods come out in new ways when your kids are at different ages, so this might be hitting a cord for you that you haven’t yet had a chance to work through in therapy, and it might be worth spending some time on it now. I think it’s really great that you are being so aware of how your experience affects your kids.

       1. Exactly. That is what I was trying to get at in my comment. It’s fine to want your kids to pick up after themselves and remind them of that, but you shouldn’t be going through your days outraged and annoyed that isn’t fair to them.

   15. I think there is a large spectrum of normal. It sounds like your kids have a reasonable amount of chores already. I probably had fewer responsibilities (and fewer activities) than them, and feel like I turned out fine. I actually never did laundry until I went to college. But I also think it’s ok to make them pick up their messes if it’s bugging you.

   16. So something we’ve done is that we all (parents and kids) have a rotating after-dinner chore, a few times a week an 5 minute pickup, and a rotating weekend chore. After dinner chores are ~ 5 mins and weekend chores are ~30-45 minutes and the five minute pickup is as needed but we literally set a timer, give everyone a space and have them tidy it up – mostly put things back where they belong. Outside of that, there isn’t too too much to do but it’s handled by the adults, though they may be asked to pitch in. I also am working on getting them to understand that if you notice something that can quickly be done, just do it yourself (like if you walk past a dish that’s been left out just take it to the kitchen on your way. Or DONT leave something in the sink when you can put it in the dishwasher!) but that falls on deaf ears usually.

       I want to emphasize that we all need to contribute to the upkeep of the house, but I don’t want to overburden them. By rotating chores (as age appropriate), they all learn how to do most house / yard maintenance.

       If they’ve left a mess somewhere, I will go grab them and make them clean it up, which annoys them but is also the point. To me it’s disrespectful to everyone else in the house to leave a mess, so if I pull you away from doing something else to clean it up maybe you’ll learn to not leave a mess again!

       Kids bedrooms are on them – I’m don’t care too much about the state of their rooms but if they’re really bad I’ll make them clean it up.

       I do most of the laundry, sometimes they fold and sometimes I do but they put it away. They know how to do laundry and can do it if I ask them too.

       I’m personally really big on the concepts of caring for the common good and serving others and I kind of view chores as the first step of this. We all contribute to chores because we all benefit from them being done, we don’t get a free ride off of other people’s labor. There’s a quote that I love that’s more or less that you don’t wash the dish in the sink because you should or because it’s dirty, you wash it because you love the person who will use it next. I know my kids are tired of hearing that quote, but I think it’s an important idea.

       I also every so often give the kids the night or weekend off and my husband and I do more chores because we want to model just doing nice things for people you love (which of course we model in other ways too). There are also nights / weekends where we skip doing the chores if something is going on because I want to model that there many things in life more important than getting chores done.

       Finally, when a kid is grounded, they are not required to do extra chores; however, we do offer extra chores in exchange for a shorter period of grounding.

   17. It sounds like the issue isn’t the chores themselves, but more your reaction to them. You are asking how hard you should be pushing and how annoyed you can get, and I do think that all stems from your childhood and the trauma of having to live with a hoarder and grow up too fast.
       I think before you change anything regarding chores, you talk to your therapist about what you posted here.

   18. It is hard to parent when your own feet are not grounded in what you know to be true–like chores and kids. I’ve been there and done that. A few ideas:
       1. Declutter the house, if that might be a thing. It is far easier to keep a house neat if there is not too much stuff. Too much clothing, toys, sports gear, etc. Have a place for everything.
       2. We did well with “family clean up time.” Ten minutes using a timer, tidying up, bringing dishes to the kitchen, quick sweep or vacuum, wipe counters. With four of us, it made a difference. We did not do this everyday, though we could have right after dinner, but it worked. As the kids grew up their clean up tasks grew up too.
       3. They were responsible for their rooms, one son was very neat, the other a tornado. I helped them change sheets, they learned to vacuum, and they put away their stuff.
       4. When we watched tv as a family or for sports, we all folded laundry. I insisted that they learn to fold properly.
       5. They learned to cook bit by bit. Baking mixes, then scrambled eggs, good sandwiches, easy soups, pasta, etc. This was worthwhile.
       6. The chores should not take up large amounts of time–so they can be kids. But kids are in training to be successful adults, so that is the goal.

       You can do this, and good for you for gathering data.

   19. Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses — and an extra shout-out to the people who kindly highlighted my overly-emotional reactions as a place I need to do some extra work. This was helpful in so many ways, and just one more reason why I love this community.

8. I know I’ll need a lawyer for this, but help on what type of lawyer I should be reaching out to?

   My parents have been making noises about me needing to create trust for my house, so it doesn’t go into probate if something happens to me way before my time. I’m mid-30s, single, never divorced, no kids, unlikely to get married at this point, and I own and live in a townhouse in Maryland. My parents live overseas, but they heard about this from a friend of theirs who lives in California, that the friend’s sibling died suddenly without a will or trust, so the sibling’s house went into probate and got messy.

   Should I be looking for a trust and estate planning lawyer and can this be done for less than 4k? Is there another type of lawyer I need? I don’t make 6 figures so anything 5k or more would be wiping out my liquid savings right now. My house is my main asset, other than a paid-off Toyota and retirement accounts. TIA!

   1. In your situation your parents would inherit your assets if you die without a will, so I’d tell them if they’re worried about it, they should pay for your estate planning work to be done! ;) Mortgage companies sometimes don’t like it if you try to retitle your house (even for estate planning purposes when they’re not supposed to), so it could be a hassle. (Source: am a T&E attorney)

   2. Trust and estates. They will set you up with a health care proxy, living will, realty trust, pour over trust, and will. It shouldn’t cost all that much money – $2k?

      1. My spouse and I paid $800 for this a few years ago, although I’m in a LCOL Midwest city.

      2. My trust with my husband and all the documents – advance healthcare directive, power of attorney, etc, will all-in was probably $1,500, which I consider a very good deal. I just happened to meet a local attorney socially who is a trusts and estates attorney, and we just made an appointment. Could I have done more research? Yes. But I’m really happy with what we ended up with.

         The primary thing was getting our house re-titled into the trust. We put all of our assets like bank accounts & brokerage accounts into the trust as well. You just have to tell your financial institutions that you want the trust to hold the accounts and they will know what to do.

         By the way, 401Ks don’t go into the trust, they have a beneficiary so I guess it’s fine to leave them out. This is what I remember from the conversation with the attorney.

   3. Yes, you’d go to a trusts and estates lawyer to put your home in a trust. Costs will vary and if you’re only at about 5k in liquid assets now, that’s not where I’d personally spend my money. If you die prematurely young, it will be a mini hassle for your parents with your house, but so what? You could look into adding them to the title (could be other unintended consequences there though ), which would be cheaper or just not worry about it. My husband and I only recently did our own will and trusts and that’s because we care about making life easier for each other in the event one of us dies. But I personally wouldn’t spend the money when I was single.

   4. FWIW, re-titling assets in the name of a revocable trust is much more common in California than in many other states. In your situation, I do not think it makes sense to spend a big chunk of your liquid savings to re-title the house. Yes, there will be some level of hassle dealing with probate when you die, but this is not something that is absolutely critical to do now.

      If you want to move forward regardless, you would be looking for a T&E lawyer. You will need to set up a revocable trust, and then sign a new deed transferring the house to the trust. As a previous poster mentioned, if you have a mortgage, the bank may protest, but it usually can still be done.

      1. WHy is it more common in CA? Is it related to Prop-13 or whatever it is that freezes property tax rates?

         1. Probate in CA is notoriously more annoying than in other states.

   5. My husband and I did wills and this kind of trust for $5k for the two of us about a year and a half ago, just as one piece of information.

   6. In your shoes, I would take 5 minutes to ensure my retirement accounts list the beneficiaries I want. No way would I spend any of my limited liquid savings on putting my house in a trust at your age and without any reason to think I’m going to die in the next couple of decades. If you die prematurely, they get a house! They can hire a lawyer to deal with probate. So what that they’ll get less money than if they didn’t have to hire a lawyer, it’s still an unexpected windfall.

      1. +1

         And if this doesn’t satisfy your parents, then they can pay for your estate planning.

         1. Also, in California there is a thing called a California Statutory Will, which is a form you fill out (carefully, some of it is a little confusing/tricky) and sign in the presence of two witnesses. It won’t avoid probate but it will at least give probate something to work with.

   7. In Maryland, if you die without a will and you have no spouse or children, your parents will inherit. For what it is worth, Maryland does not permit beneficiary-upon-death deeds for real property, but there is a form that can be filed with the MVA which will automatically transfer a car to the named beneficiary. Accounts like retirement accounts, savings, etc. can all have named beneficiaries. Your needs are likely more for health care power of attorney/living will and those forms are available from the Maryland Office of the Attorney General.

   8. OP here, thank you everyone! I think I will still be looking for a local T&E lawyer for a consult at the very least, but it also makes me feel a little better to learn that probate in California is more “annoying” than other states :)

9. My partner moved out a few months ago. While there is a lot I like about living alone there are moments when I miss having someone else around–particularly during bad weather when the power threatens to go out, when I hear strange noises, or I have an appliance acting up, etc. I have a home security alarm and know my neighbors. What else can I do to feel safer and more secure living alone?

   1. Get a dog! They’re magical and wonderful companions. If I’d had a dog when I was single and dating, I probably would have ended a bunch of crummy relationships much sooner.

      1. +1. DH is gone from the house 90% of the time. Our dog is amazing company and gives me a sense of safety and stability. Bonus that dog also forces me to get up and outside for fresh air and exercise.

      2. +1. I got a dog right after my now ex husband moved out, and she had done wonders for my mental health.

      3. I know getting a dog isn’t possible for everyone, but here to say that getting a 100 pound German Shepherd (a senior rescue, so fully potty trained and no puppy antics) has been amazing. She keeps me company (like she is a piece of velcro), keeps an eye on the house, and looks very imposing when she looks out the window by the front door. Nobody needs to know that she is in fact a real baby and not a guard dog at all. She is also a nanny-dog for my toddler and keeps a watchful eye on him all the time.

      4. +1 to getting a dog. I dearly love my two cats, but if I could do things over again, I would have gotten a dog instead. The social aspect of dog momming alone would be a huge benefit for me. As much as he tries, my little 10 pound cat isn’t as comforting safety-wise as a barking dog would be.

   2. It’s the fridge icemaker that always gets me. Why is it so loud in the middle of the night?!?!
      Could you get a cat?

      1. I have an old (100+ years) creaky house that is mostly made from wood so it is LOUD in the middle of the night. There are hedges on one side of the house that brush against it in a windstorm that freak me out sometimes because it sounds a lot like what I imagine someone trying to break in would sound like.

         I have a whole house alarm that includes all doors and windows and that makes me feel better. The dog helps too. All he would do if someone broke in would be to ask for butt scratches, but he has a low, rumbling bark that makes him sound like a bigger dog. Aside from the guard dog thing (which makes me laugh because it’s so untrue) he is absolutely great company when I’m alone at home.

         Yes to get a dog advice! Please adopt, don’t shop. My dog is a rescue and he’s absolutely perfect!

      2. When I lived alone I turned off the ice maker and used an ice cube tray. Don’t run the dishwasher or dryer overnight. Use a fan in your bedroom or nature sounds playlist to drown out random house noises.

   3. Get a cat. Will they defend you against attack? Lolz absolutely not. But they are soothing.

      1. Love my cat! She is hilarious and delightful, and gives the best snuggles when she’s in the mood.

      2. They might try, haha. When I used to rent, the landlord told me that my cats kept him out when I wasn’t home by glaring from the window, puffing up, and hissing.

         The cat we have now growls up a storm if any stranger approaches the door.

         1. One of our cats hides so well whenever a stranger comes over that half the time I can’t find him.

      3. It really makes a difference having another presence in the house! At least with loneliness. Getting a cat was the best decision I ever made.

         1. If you hear unexplained noises in your house in the middle of the night, it was definitely the cat. That works for me!

      4. Also, when you have cats and you hear a strange noise, it’s much easier to convince yourself that it’s just something the cats are doing.

   4. Of course, depending on your lifestyle this may not be possible but I feel very safe with my dog around. I’m home alone a lot and he has never failed as alert system.

      1. Op here — unfortunately with my work and travel dog ownership is not feasible for me right now.

         1. FWIW, I thought this for years. It turned out there’s a ton of resources for pets, our dog goes to day care and boards with them when we travel. It’s not the cheapest thing but it’s way less than a child and a lot easier than I ever thought it would be, especially with hybrid work these days.

         2. Thanks for being reasonable about your capacity. I wouldn’t get a dog as a single person again.

            I struggled caring for my dog when my ex moved out and left our 1 year old dog. I love her, and I kept her and can’t imagine life without her, but the last 6 years of caring for her is challenging.I can’t ever sleep in because she is used to a schedule. Even when I board her, I feel bad. Then, the boarding place closes for pick up at 6 PM so if I’m getting back on a later flight, I either pay for an additional night of boarding or find a friend to get her before 6 and keep her for me.

         3. If you like dogs, and any of your friends or neighbours have dogs that you like (and like you), offer to dog sit for a weekend when you are home. As a single dog mom, I would love this once in a while.

   5. I tend to just leave NPR / the Weather Channel on when I’m home and awake. Fills the blank space a bit and feels like human contact.

      1. +1 this is what I always did, and especially after my home was bulglarized (I was also living alone at the time). It helped since I couldn’t get a dog then.

   6. I have a bunch of motion activated lights – honestly, cheap stick on ones from Amazon that you recharge via a USB cable every month or so. It’s super convenient to just have light magically appear :) down the dark basement hallway to the laundry machine

      1. Any recs? I bought a motion activated one for my basement, and it doesn’t work 75% of the time.

      2. Similar option: lights on timers are nice for making your house seem more alive. I know there are smart devices that do this and I have an old-school outlet timer that is also great. I can set it to come on when my alarm goes off so I don’t have to open my bedroom to a dark house, and can set it to turn off after I leave, come back on around dinner time, and have it turn off after I go to bed.

10. can someone please help me understand how/why so many people still like Trump? Like I kind of got it in 2016, but now? he is literally on trial and could be jailed. i’m half tempted to register as a republican so i can vote in the primary

    1. I’m struggling to understand this too. I don’t pretend to be obtuse enough to not understand what made him appeal to people in 2016, but I cannot understand why he is more appealing than other Republicans right now. I thought people cared about law and order and being a moral person and coming down hard on criminals.

    2. Don’t shoot the messenger.

       The fact that people are trying to throw him in jail and sell his company at fire sale prices is why people defend him. It does nothing to change anyone’s ideas that a cabal of corrupt government officials are trying to undo the will of the people.

       1. +1

       2. +1 Both parties are acting horribly right now. I am a conservative who will not vote for Trump because of his actions on January 6. It’s still terrible that people are running to be an elected prosecutor with the campaign promise that they will prosecute a particular person.

       3. I agree that his supporters see his prosecutions as a witch hunt, which is confusing to me. Actions have consequences. He allegedly broke the law, he’s facing the consequences just like you or me or any defendant.

          1. Obviously they think that the law isn’t applied equally, and that the other side cheats and never pays for it, and if your opponents are cheating you ensure your loss if you are the ONLY one playing by the rules.

             1. This.

          2. Do we prosecute every politician who allegedly breaks the law, to the point of putting their nine- or ten-figure business into receivership when the alleged victims say that no crime was committed?

             1. It’s a civil case.

    3. Because as abhorrent as he is, he’s “on their team.” (ie a Republican) Also they view the stuff he will do as not really affecting their quality of life. (this is what the Trump supporters in my life have told me)

       1. I think she’s talking about the Republican primary, where all the choices are Rs. Not Trump vs Biden where obviously people will vote for their own political party.

          1. I think this answer still stands

    4. This is such a bizarre question to me. Of course people still like him! They think the fact that he’s on trial and could be jailed is the best possible evidence that he represented a challenge to a status quo that wasn’t working for them.

       Negative media representation of Trump has always worked in his favor. This is how he won the first time around. Continued negative media coverage has won him supporters since then.

    5. Please do. I expected him to run again, I expected him to get some votes. I did not expect him to get more votes than the second and third place finishers combined! It’s so embarrassing that this cheeto is possibly going to be President again.

    6. Idk but this is why I’m still an R. I would even move to SC to vote for Haley but suspect she will do OK there. My state votes so much later it’s all decided by then so I hope she did get second place in Iowa.

       1. I don’t like Haley but Trump is the only one who makes me genuinely worried for our democratic future. Like he already incited people to attack the Capital building because they were recognizing a valid election. Is it really a stretch to think that if he wins now that he will run again in 2028 by arguing that it’s a limit on two consecutive terms not two terms total.

          It feels like 2016 when even everyone was like Roe v. Wade is the law and that’s not changing and ‘but her emails’ when it was like actual respect for democracy at stake.

          1. You don’t have to even like Haley, but among all R candidates, she seems to be the best, no? And who do you want running against Biden in case he loses? Surely not Trump. Rs have the choice (so maybe everyone here should switch parties or register as an R until after these primaries are over?). Holding your nose to do the right thing is more important than ever right now.

             1. Not the Anon above. I dislike her war hawk tendencies and addiction to corporatism. I also don’t think she gets politics on 2024: people are concerned about stagnating wages, being undercut by global competition, ridiculous wealth inequality, instability with our trade partners, skyrocketing illegal immigration, and strains on a dying social safety net. Her whole attitude of “if it’s good for CEOs, the Chamber of Commerce, and General Atomics, it’s good for America” is… outdated.

             2. I could get behind her if only she weren’t so awful on issues relating to the rights of women and minorities.

             3. That’s fine — you are setting us back on the road to Trump.

             4. That was my point. I don’t like Haley but it’s on a policy differences basis not a ‘I wonder if she will try to dismantle democratic institutions level’. Trump and the reasons he is popular are different problems altogether.

             5. Anon at 1:34 pm, you know that her entire campaign is about being Trump’s VP, right? Absent her, it would be a head to head matchup between RDS and Trump, which Trump absolutely does not want. She kneecaps the best alternative to Trump, delivers him a win, and takes the role that puts her one heartbeat away from the Oval Office. One geriatric heartbeat away.

    7. I am at a complete loss. I feel like completely tuning out of all politics/global news because everything is just so depressing and there nothing I can do about it. I never understood voting for Trump and was horrified in 2016. It makes me lose all hope for humanity. Sigh.

    8. I know two people who are still Trumpers.

       1. My SIL, the woman is really smart she has several advanced engineering degrees but I think there may be some untreated mental health issues since she also believes in basically every conspiracy theory known to man. She’s literally capable of doing the math to disprove her own beliefs but she just doesn’t.

       2. Childhood friend, the guy is a bit slow but otherwise nice enough, he’s a pipe fitter and went straight from highschool to trades school. He even lost his dad to COVID but somehow that wasn’t enough to bring him back to reality. He thinks of himself as a victim which is weird since he basically lives the American dream with a hot wife and way more success than is earned.

    9. I mean, absent a notable decline in his cognitive skills or a medical event, why would people switch now? Those people are not going to change. I do not know who his VP is at this point, but the only change I see is if he has a health crisis and him not serving out a term lucidly becomes an issue. Biden’s shaky here, so I only see Trump’s grip getting shaky if that becomes his issue also. I don’t see anything else stopping him since he has survived what is usually lethal to candidates going back forever.

       1. There has been a noticeable decline in his cognitive skills!

          1. Not really — I’m sure any gaffes would be well-covered and they just haven’t been. He needs to fall down stairs on the regular or nod off or slur his speech. I don’t think he’s there yet.

             1. Right. Because he has always been cognitively deficient and slurred his speech and said nonfactual things because he actually does not know anything about anything so there is nothing to indicate his age is a problem or for press to “cover,” it is just his same old inherent stupidity and incompetence and lack of regard for truth and education that everyone accepted as good enough long ago because he will keep white men in power and that is all those people care about even though he will do nothing to actually help them other than to make it okay for them to spew hatred out loud which, I guess, makes them feel more comfortable. Now a bunch of people so stupid as to think that voting for him will punish Biden for supporting Israel are going to put us all in jeopardy, esp Palestinians and Ukranians. The whole concept of cutting off our nose to spite our face is how we got here.

    10. The Republicans I know….

        My (extended) family — socially pretty liberal (live in California) but just care about their $ and keeping it for their kids only. They listen to too much Fox News. They live a very sheltered, lucky life and don’t know many “real” people who struggle.

        My professional school friends who support Trump are also very financially focused and self-absorbed.

        My working class friends… They are struggling financially with the high cost of housing/food/healthcare and aging with not great retirement prospects and are seeing it as worse for their kids. When Democrats try to point to Biden’s success and the “stock market is doing great…. the economy is improving”, it makes Democrats seem out of touch. Some of their kids have mental health issues they can’t afford to pay for, and there have been suicides. You need to blame someone. They listen to too much Fox News. They resent that Democrats are portrayed as wanting to welcome all migrants into this country and pay for them to stay, or send $$ overseas to some foreign war they don’t really understand, when we don’t even support our own people well enough. They wonder if part of the high cost of health care is because the illegal immigrants getting health care for free. They don’t really understand how Washington works (because it works so poorly and so slowly…..) and why simple things aren’t getting done. For example, why can’t we lower prescription drug costs when both Democrats and Republicans claim to support this? Why does every country pay less than us? Washington is often ineffective these days, money corrupts everywhere, congressmen/women investing in the stock market on their own while voting on policy screams corruption (it is shameful).

        I’m not asking you to respond to these. I try to when I am talking to them, but very non-confrontationally. I choose one point… tell them a bit of the other side, and also agree with them on the things we do agree on. Because what can we do, really?

        1. My in laws will vote for trump because they are worried about the estate taxes when they die.

           DH is their only heir and said he doesn’t care. Fallen on deaf ears.

        2. Yeah, I think that the disjuncture between the economy as experienced by the professional class and the economy as experienced by the working class is REALLY significant right now and explains a lot of Trump’s popularity. I am despairing at how poorly the Democrats seem to understand these issues. And immigration/the border is a huge piece of it – many of my relatives (who are a mix of white and Latino, living in Texas and Arizona) very much see this as Biden/the Democrats spending tons of time and money on taking care of people who are here illegally while US citizens are struggling to pay rent and buy groceries. There has been a suicide in my family as well, one of my cousins is hooked on opioids, and the only jobs in their towns for people with their level of education (HS diploma, maybe a certificate) are service sector/retail/unskilled manual labor, which doesn’t allow them to imagine a future beyond the day to day.

           You can talk all day long about how these people just don’t understand that the Democrats will fix their problems; the truth is that’s not where they see the Democratic party spending its time, money, and attention and they are not doing well under a Biden presidency. Trump panders to them and their concerns, and if you feel entirely unheard/unseen by most of society, that makes a huge difference.

        3. Thank you for your reply. I am trying to do the same.

        4. I’m from a working class city in a blue state. Our city was the largest in the state per capita with Trump support. I hear a lot of xenophobia. Immigrants are stealing our jobs, lazy and collecting welfare, getting free housing, getting monthly stipends, causing rents to rise because they get Section 8 vouchers that pay more than market rate so LL want to rent to them, having too many kids, overpopulating our schools, causing crime, etc. I saw friends on social media sharing an incorrect Fox story claiming migrants are getting VA healthcare and stealing healthcare from veterans.

           There’s very little basis to these claims, but migrant as scapegoat is an attractive way to understand very complicated issues. Trump is feeding right into it with his white supremacist comments about diluting our blood. It’s so disturbing.

    11. This article was a pretty good assessment of that:

        https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/11/opinion/columnists/donald-trump-election.html

        1. Interesting article. I agree with a lot of it. A few things stuck out.

           “A national culture is sustained by common memories, ideals, laws and a language — which newcomers should honor, adopt and learn as a requirement of entry.” – this is happening. Plenty of data showing children of immigrants lose their language and culture and only know mainstream American culture, often because their immigrant parents only want them to speak English.

           Loss of the American dream of economic prosperity relates to GOP tax cuts starting with Regan. Safe neighorhoods, good public schools, higher minimum wages, lower cost healthcare…all these solutions are Democratic proposals. Trump is a master of accusing the other side of preventing what they’re proposing. I wish the article discussed how we got to where we are now, with 3/4s of Americans feeling negative.

    12. When I lived in a state where the primary mattered I was registered as a Republican. Now I live in Massachusetts and my vote is nothing at the primary level, for either party ;).

    13. Politics are wild. MIL just visited for a week from Alabama. I live in MA and closer to Boston than NH but get the pleasure of seeing many NH-targeted political ads at this point in the election cycle. After one day here MIL said “y’all have people running for president that we don’t at home.” Meaning, she literally did not know Nikki Haley existed or was running. Obviously different than Iowa where all candidates made a major push, but I was floored by her comment. She said all her church talks about is Trump… so Trump it is. She doesn’t even particularly like the guy.

        I, on the other hand, am a liberal leaning registered independent and will vote republican in the primary so I can vote against Trump (will vote Haley). MA law allows independents to vote in whichever primary they choose.

        1. Haley actually made a much bigger push in NH than Iowa. She basically gave up on Iowa weeks ago.

        2. Oh wow! That’s so interesting to hear how your MIL was unaware of Haley. I’m in Boston and saw all the Haley ads (both pro and attack ads) while watching football this past weekend. It was quite jarring! I don’t like her, yet I was upset to see several blatantly sexist attack ads.

    14. Because plenty of people in this country are hateful and like seeing that hate legitimized and shared.

    15. Not speaking of his base, because those people are nuts. They may actually like him, but the driving force is that they hate me (a typical liberal) more, so they’re voting against me and people like me. A vote for Trump rather than Haley is a vote against me and what I stand for.

        The middle people who vote for him who are not his rabid base, I think it’s just that they think they’ll pay less in taxes mostly, at least people I talk to. They don’t care about the supreme court being what it is now and possibly getting worse, they just care about taxes. Which is weird because all the tax cuts under Trump went to rich people. The people I’m talking about are not rich people.

        Even though by most measures the economy is doing better now than it did under Trump, people don’t like high gasoline prices and blame the president, even though he doesn’t really have much control over those. Inflation in general drives people to vote for the “other” candidate regardless of who is in office.

        1. Trump is on record boasting about interfering to increase oil prices in order to help, IIRC, Russia.

           1. But these are not people who are going to research finer points. It’s a knee jerk reaction to the economic pain they experience filling up their Chevy Tahoe.

    16. My mom doesn’t like Trump anymore, but my dad still likes Trump. My dad was a Rush Limbaugh fan who slipped neatly into spending all his time watching Fox News, especially after he retired (he worked in the federal government then went to a defense contractor). He’s always had a lot of animosity towards nonwhite people, and has been convinced by his media consumption that undocumented immigrants get free phones, gold-plated health insurance, and a free apartment when they show up at the border. I managed to talk him out of QAnon, mostly, but he’s *still* concerned about whether President Obama was born in the US. I think he views Trump as a way to “stick it” to people he doesn’t like. It doesn’t square with his generous financial and emotional support of two daughters with fairly-high-level careers, the fact that my gay brothers-in-law are his favorite relatives, or the hundreds of hours he spent at his (liberal, Episcopal) church helping recent immigrants and at-risk kids by fixing bicycles and buying school supplies.

    17. I think a lot of people are going to vote for him because they were fairing better economically when Trump was president than they are now. And I’m learning that some people blame whomever is president when the bad act occurs for it. For example, inflation is Biden’s fault because he was president when the high inflation started. Likewise, I know about someone who thinks Biden is responsible for the flip of Roe because he was president when it happened. There are many reasons people vote for whom they vote for, but when I hear interviews with likely Trump voters, a common explanation for why they plan to vote for him is because their personal economic situations were better when he was president, and they want that back. I realize this is very simple, but it’s also very real for how they pay their bills and support their families. I don’t think they’re very tied into all of the other issues that motivate the votes of others.

        1. Yep Biden ended a lot of the parts of the pandemic response that were helping people. If somebody’s life got better under Trump and worse under Biden, they may want to take their chances with Trump again.

11. Chapter 13 here. I’ve been offered a dream job!!! (I know, I know, some people here don’t like that term). I’m definitely accepting, and just need to get through the credit check aspect of the background. I disclosed my situation to the HR person and she said it shouldn’t be a problem, but still need to get over the hurdle. The job is in my city so I wouldn’t need to move. I’m so excited – this is somewhere I could see myself staying for a long time (which is important because I haven’t been at my current job that long).

    As a side note, my appointment with the therapist went very well and I’m going to continue seeing her!

    1. Good luck!! Fingers crossed!

       Does this business do a credit check? Many say they are going to (because it’s easier to do one approval for everyone) but only for positions involving some fiduciary duty.

    2. So happy for you!! Don’t worry about the credit check, unless the role involves some kind of financial responsibility it shouldn’t be a problem.

    3. Very very happy for you, and I wasn’t aware that “dream job” was on the banned terms list. It works for me!

    4. Congrats!!

    5. Thank you for the update, and congratulations!!

    6. Such good news!

    7. Congrats! Great news!

    8. FWIW, a friend filed for Ch 13 during her divorce. She moved to another state that had reciprocity with where she was barred, and she didn’t have a problem getting another public interest managing attorney position with that on her credit report.

    9. Woo hoo!! Wonderful news!! Congratulations on all of it!

    10. Wow! So happy for you! And I’m so glad to know that the appointment with the therapist went well. Good for you for doing the work to get the root of the issue. I’m so proud of you!

12. My week is off to a great start with my car’s starter deciding it doesn’t want to work anymore. It being so cold means a lot of people are waiting on tow trucks and my car never made it out of my garage so I’m thankfully safe at home but also last on the list.
    The starter crapped out last winter too, 11 months ago, so it better be covered by the 12 month warranty for a genuine OEM replacement part.
    Just very frustrated and I would rather not make this a yearly thing.

    1. I hear you.

       Yesterday I went out to go to work and my garage door wont open. I can’t get it open manually…. I couldn’t get a repair person until today. Had to pay a small fortune to take a Lyft to work/back. Have to get my car out today or I can’t get to my medical appointments later this week. It’s still below zero.

       Glad you can stay home. Still stinks though

       1. Ugh! That happened to me last year, too. That is so frustrating.
          Hope it gets fixed today!!

    2. There might be an electrical issue with your battery. We had one that had a loose connection that kept killing starters IIRC. (I’m admittedly murky on the details). I hope your day improves!

13. has anyone successfully lost weight in their 40s? tips?

    1. I’m just a bit younger (late 30s), but I had to stop buying junk food at the grocery store. If it was in the house I’d eat it. If I curbed my access to it, I stopped being able to conveniently snack on it.

       1. Comments like this are really shaming because they imply, if you’re overweight it must be because you’re eating junk food. People who are struggling with their weight and looking for advice have already done the common sense things like cut out soda, don’t eat candy, take the stairs. Telling people to do those common sense things isn’t advice, it’s dismissive and condescending.

          1. Anon at 11:12 was simply stating her own experience.

          2. I appreciate this comment and agree! My husband and I have eaten the same food, primarily cooking at home (he loves cooking), for a decade. He is average weight, and I’m not. Food intake and choices isn’t the magical key to weight loss or cause for weight gain for everyone. I can’t begin to tell you the number of times a healthcare provider has suggested I just cut out fried foods, sweets, or soda without even asking me about my diet. I don’t even drink soda!

             1. But as people are saying from their experience, and you are saying yourself,…. that can’t work for you. You can’t eat the same as your husband. Not the same amount/assortment of foods.
                Your hormones/sleep issues/mood change etc.. with perimenopause are unfortunately something your husband doesn’t have to experience (!) so we can’t eat the same as them. His genetics are also different than yours.

                We’re so easily offended. Doctors don’t have enough time to ask the right questions either. I’m surprised your doctor even suggested anything. For me, they just print out a standard list of suggestions for perimenopausal women and diet and don’t even discuss it.

                I found the post rang true to me. I can’t keep snacks in the house anymore since I hit my 40’s. Doesn’t mean that is the same for everyone, but definitely is for me.

             2. I would gain a ton of weight if I ate the same amount of food as my husband. I’m size 10 and don’t exercise a lot. He’s the same weight and runs 7-10 km a day. He eats double what I do. It’s not about junk food or not, it’s about caloric intake/portion size.

                You can cook at home, eat the same as your husband and still eat way too much. Those things are not mutually exclusive. It makes no more or less sense for you to share this info than it does for the person above to share that she cut by not buying junk food at the grocery store.

          3. Junk food is a catch all, I think.

             For me, I can’t eat a lot of carbs of any form. So my junk is any bread/cracker/rice etc… I stopped the candy/soda years ago. Now it is a very approach to eating, and the hardest part was not bringing “my junk’ into the house. And it is so, so much harder when you live with others who want those things in the house….

          4. Why so easily offended?
             A person gave their personal experience, and OP can decide if that experience will work or not.

       2. Why so easily offended?
          A person gave their personal experience, and OP can decide if that experience will work or not.

          1. And I’m late 40s and firmly menopausal and will lose weight if I avoid junk food and generally eat less. Everyone is different.

       3. I’m mid-40s and this is one key to success for me. I exercise my self-control at the grocery store because I will not do so at home. I’ve also started tracking on LoseIt, which is helping me a lot. I was consuming more calories than I realized every day, and tracking also has made me more aware of what I’m eating.

    2. Lost in my 50’s (!), as everything was going up with perimenopause. But it was a modest amount.

       Started yoga and a tiny bit of weight training.
       Just cut out all of the fun/sweet/snacking stuff that I ate without thinking. Now I only buy like…. one treat each time I shop (every 1-2 things), and when it’s gone, it’s gone. But I don’t limit myself.
       And if I am going to eat “bad”, I get my favorite/best quality “bad” treat I want… so it is worth it.
       Or if I want a treat, I have to make it myself…. I can’t buy it.
       Eat pretty healthy. Keep lots of (prepped/washed/ready to eat) berries/fruit/veg in the house and nuts for snacks.
       Same breakfast every day, that’s healthy.
       Similar lunch most days, that’s healthy.
       Easy rotation of dinners that are healthy/easy/flavorful. Makes shopping/prep/cooking easier.
       No more alcohol.
       Cook mostly at home. Take out once a week at most.

       1. Oops…. I only shop once every 1-2wks, and only buy one “treat” then. I just can’t keep snacks in the house or I eat them all.

          1. This is me.

    3. realizing how much the little stuff matters over time. Like if your weight crept up by 10lbs in a year, going very roughly that’s a pound a month, or like 100 calories a day. That’s that random extra cookie, or fancy coffee, or handful of cheez-its while dinner is cooking. I got great, steady, sustainable results by focusing on cutting that stuff out. I got lazy about it and a few of the pounds have come back, so time to get back at it!

       1. It is so hard. I honestly think this is my biggest issue. And it’s been a super hard habit to break.

       2. This is me. The ‘just one’ or ‘just one more’ I have really had to cut back on. I noticed a huge difference in my yoga practice if I am up or down 10lbs so I really work to stay where my practice is best as that helps my mental health so much.

       3. That’s why I can only lose weight if I log everything that goes into my mouth. It’s too easy to eat things that “don’t count” but they do count.

    4. For regular kind of weight management in perimenopause, you have to eat a lot of protein — shoot for 90-100 grams per day. It really did seem to rev my weight management. Prioritize your sleep. You cannot lose cortisol fueled fat if you aren’t sleeping. Do less cardio and more weight and resistance training.

       Obviously, these are simple comments that do not reflect health problems — you need to talk to a doctor if you have medical issues, but I lost 40 lbs in a year and a half from reading about perimenopause management (and watching instagram/tiktok). For me, it was muscle building, which comes from protein and weight lifting and sleep management.

       I am eating more calories than I did when I was heavier, because I need them to get in my protein, but that has made a huge difference for me. It was hard to relinquish the very simple “weight loss comes from calorie deficit” mantra my 1980s mom instilled, but it is what works.

       My sleep management came from an estrogen supplement. I am so glad I started hormone therapy. The weight loss was a lovely benefit, but sleeping and not feeling like I am going to murder everyone who walks slowly in front of me are the real benefit.

       1. This is a dumb question, but how do you make yourself enjoy protein-based meals more? I should correct myself: it’s not that I mind protein but I hardly ever crave meat, eggs, and legumes like I crave carbs. Especially early in the day, even though I know it’s really important to have a balance of protein, carbs, and fiber in the morning.

          1. I don’t eat much meat, but I do get at least 100 g of protein every day. I also hardly ever crave protein sources, but I still work hard to sneak them into every meal.

             For example, for breakfast I had a high protein pancake “bake.” It was 1/3 c high protein pancake mix, 2 eggs, and half a mashed banana mixed up and microwaved for 2 mins. I topped with peanut butter, the rest of the banana, and raspberries. It doesn’t taste like meat or anything, but it was 25 g of protein!

             I also rely a lot on edamame, which I really enjoy. I throw it into salads, pasta, by itself, anything. I think the key is just adding a source for every meal, but focus on what you like about the meal. No need to make the protein the main focus of the meal if you don’t want to!

          2. Let’s be real here, if you hang on a year or two, the protein recommendation will fade and we’ll be on to the next fad. So don’t get too lost in the hype.

             1. The fact that many women don’t eat enough protein has been a common issue for my entire adult life. FWIW I’m 43 and I can’t ever remember it not being a recommendation.

          3. If I want something carby that still has protein, I will eat an Alvarado St Bakery sprouted wheat bagel (in the frozen section) with some whipped cream cheese an everything bagel seasoning, or a Kodiak frozen waffle with a bunch of fruit on top with a little yogurt drizzled on it. I will also sometimes do oatmeal with berries, almonds, and some chia seed pudding (which you can make with protein powder if you want a lot of protein in it) swirled in.

          4. It’s not dumb at all. I mean… I would rather have a bagel and cream cheese every AM for breakfast than just about anything. Or a donut! So I don’t keep them in the house. And over time you just crave them a bit less, and accept eating what you have in the house. Routine. Same breakfast/lunch every day (with mild variations).

             I try to make the healthier options as tasty for me as possible so at least it isn’t unpleasant to have them and I enjoy them. You have to figure out what those things are. For me, it also means spending a bit more $$ on having good food in the house, and forcing myself to eat out less.

       2. OP – please don’t get your medical advice from TikTok

          90-100 of protein a day for women is high… too high for many women. You can develop kidney problems and this poster doesn’t know your medical history. It is extremely difficult to get this much protein a day in a normal healthy diet for most people without artificial protein supplements. It is NOT part of any menopause/perimenopause program that a menopause expert recommends. In fact, my endocrinologist told me not to eat so much protein as it might make my bone density worse.

          Of course good sleep, weight training/exercise, and using hormone replacement can have dramatic effects on health/wellness/and weight for some.

          Please…. stay away from TikTok for your health care.

          1. At my last yearly appointment, my doctor also talked about eating more protein during perimenopause/menopause, too. It seems like pretty widely accepted advice but maybe it depends where you are located? There is a decent amount of published research on this topic. Here is one source: https://obgyn.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1471-0528.17290?af=R

             1. Yeah, every doctor and RD I’ve ever seen has recommended higher protein (in the range of 100g+). This poster clearly has a special health situation if they are seeing an endocrinologist, so the OP should check with the relevant health professionals if she has special concerns! But 80-100 g isn’t too much for the vast majority of people!

             2. Many perimenopausal women see endocrinologists to get their first bone density scan and talk about bone density. I see a GYN specializing in perimenopause.

                Yes getting plenty of protein is good, but you calculate your goals based on weight. Perhaps the poster can talk about her GYN and how they calculated 90-100 was good for her. That is not what is recommended broadly for perimenopause.

                Many people with aging don’t get enough protein, and there are studies showing that boosting protein later in life is a good thing.

          2. I’m kind of curious, why would protein make your bone density worse? Trying to learn more but I keep finding information that says it turns out that the opposite is true, like https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4180248/

          3. My GP is much more focused on making sure I get enough calcium and fiber during this stage of life. I asked about protein and she was basically, yes, it helps some, but it is not what you should be focusing on.

          4. It’s a myth that eating a high protein diet can cause kidney problems. Eating protein can exacerbate kidney problems if they already exist. And relying on protein as a source of energy (like a low fat, low carb diet) can cause kidney problems, but that’s not the same as just eating high protein.

             Many women don’t get enough choline, and it tends to be in higher protein foods. If we’re on meds that lower stomach acid, or if our stomach acid is lowering with age, we may need to eat more to get the same amount.

             1. Here’s a source that’s better than TikTok: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2003/03/too-much-protein-may-cause-reduced-kidney-function/

    5. It’s hard. Smaller portions is a big struggle for me. I have to do a reset – actually weighing everything I eat – every few months because my portion sizes creep up over time. I try to focus on adding low calorie high volume foods like leafy greens, celery, and brothy soups so I don’t feel so deprived.

    6. Not as much as I want, but I’m getting there. My tip is to see a good doctor who wants to help; my goal isn’t to scrape by with health that is good enough, but to actually feel well and thrive through perimenopause, so it helped me to see a doctor who wasn’t overburdened and rushing me out of their office as fast as they could. I do have some relevant health conditions like PCOS and a thyroid condition, so that may be why this was especially helpful for me.

    7. Cut out all snacking. ALL. Stick to meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) only, if you get hungry in between, have a banana, boiled egg or hummus with veggies.

       1. lol at your “cut out ALL snacking except for these snacks if you’re hungry”

    8. Yes – strength training, fiber (I aim for at least 30g a day), and protein. You basically want to build as much muscle mass as you can. It took me a good six months of strength training before I really noticed a difference.

    9. Yes but to be honest, keeping it off is another story. Sorry to tell you.

    10. My car died and I didn’t replace it. I live in a mid-size southern city, so everything is spread out. Biking/walking/public transportation means I get exercise even when I don’t have time to work out, and I buy fewer prepared foods since they’re harder to haul home than ingredients. I save a bit of money, too.

    11. It seems obvious when you put it this way but – if you’ve been gaining weight then you have to stop gaining weight before you can lose weight. I have so many friends that start a diet/change their habits and then get frustrated that they’re not losing weight within the first month or so. Stopping the gain is a big first step! Celebrate that success!

        1. This is underappreciated. Stop gaining weight and you may eventually lose weight.

    12. I haven’t lost much if any weight but intermittent fasting always halts the gaining for me. Whenever weight starts creeping on, I get more religious about that and the gain stops.

    13. I’m 42 and on the verge of perimenopause, and two years ago I found a gym with boot camp-style workouts that I LOVE. Each week is a mix: cardio one day, weights the next. I have **never** been a gym person in my life, never ever, and now I get up and go at an ungodly early time/in freakish weather/etc. My weight hasn’t budged…but I am definitely shaped/composed differently. So just something to consider that weight might not be the thing to focus on but rather increasing your level of fitness.

    14. Early 60s here. Ever since my mid-40s, the only thing that really works for me when I need to lose some weight is food tracking. At first I did Weight Watchers online, but now I use the MyFitnessPal app because it’s free and because I find it the least annoying. I work out 3-4 times a week but it’s something I do for its own sake, not because it leads to weight loss.

    15. I did and have been overweight most of my life. I just tracked what I ate. So if the serving size on the package was 2 cookies, I ate 2 cookies. I don’t think you have to cut out specific food groups, just eat them in moderation. It’s not going to happen overnight, but over time you probably get full from less food. I tried to work up to walking a few times a week. But nothing drastic like training for a 5K or spending an hour at the gym. Just make small changes over time.

14. I’m waiting to hear back on a job, and I’m so anxious. I really, really want a fresh start in a new city. What should I do in the meantime to calm my nerves??

    1. No real advice but fingers crossed for you!

    2. Apply to more jobs – have lots of possible ways to get your fresh start!

    3. Can you find a fun show to binge? I am crossing my fingers for you!

       1. Or light reading? Have you read Norah Goes Off Script?

          1. Just ordered from the library – thanks!

15. Do we have any short Peloton riders here? I’ve searched online but haven’t been able to find a good solution. The right side of my neck has been hurting like crazy lately. I thought maybe it was poor sleep posture, but recently I was off the bike for about a week and the pain went away. I got back on the bike, pain is back. I think maybe I’m craning my neck up to watch the screen. I’ve played with the handle bar height to no avail. If I raise the handle bars, I’ll be sitting up too straight. If I lower the handle bars, I won’t be able to reach them (it lowers away from you). I already have an extender on the handle bars to bring them as close to me as the extender will go. I can’t move the seat or my knees won’t be aligned correctly with the pedals. I wonder if the issue is actually the location of the screen relative to the handle bars? Has anyone dealt with this?

    1. I haven’t done it, but a lot of people recommend getting a bike fitting from Virtual Bike Fitting.

16. Can anyone share tips for learning to budget? I’m (hopefully soon) moving in house from big law. I just downloaded Monarch Money app but feel like I need to get better at managing cash flow. We only spent a fraction of the big law salary but I’m not used to tracking every penny spent. Any experiences anyone can share if you’ve made this particular shift would be helpful!

    1. It depends on your lifestyle, but unless it’s a huge pay cut it may not require close budget tracking. I am not a lawyer and earn a lot less than most here, but we are still able to get away without strict budgeting. We have retirement and college savings contributions taken out before we get our paychecks, and then we just spend the rest. We have a good sense of what we need to cover necessities like housing, food and utilities, so we know about what we can put toward fun spending each month. If we spend a little too much on fun categories one month, we cut back for the next month or two. People are always surprised we don’t keep a budget, but it’s never seemed necessary to me, even on a fairly modest income.

       1. Seconding that you may not need to track every penny, you just need to know where the money is going and make sure standard expenses (house, food, cars) and appropriate savings are taken care of before too much fun stuff. You would be surprised sometimes where the money goes – I used to have a paper WaPo subscription, until DH pointed out that it was costing me $650/year!! I loved walking out in the driveway early in the AM to pick up the paper, but I didn’t love it enough to pay $650 for it!

       2. +1 – if you take care of long term savings first, that goes a LONG way.

    2. I’m in house and I do not strictly budget. I have tried a hundred times with all the apps c spreadsheets, whatever. It just doesn’t work for me. I do regularly look at my money so I know what is where and I also know my every month expenses and all that. My best budgeting tip is having money automatically deposited into separate accounts for different purposes and not touching it unless God forbid, I have an emergency that my hefty emergency fund doesn’t cover.

    3. What I do is very 20th century, but it helps me to become familiar with our spending, and catch anything that seems amiss (double charges or user error, etc).

       3-4 times a month I open my laptop, pull up my bank acct and credit cards, and review and write down with a paper and pencil every expense. We keep broad buckets — food, utilities (includes various subscriptions and gas, too), church/charity, and misc (for every other household or fun expense). I do this in a page of my planner, but you could use a notebook to keep it together. It only really takes 10 min each time.

       But I agree with the others that if you hit your savings goals each month, and then have a general sense from your cc statements what you spend on everything else, and it’s all together less than your income, that may be enough for you. We live a little more on the edge and have to tamp down spending, so details are important for us.

    4. The best advice my financial planner gave me was to make sure my budget aligned with my values. So if I value travel and am spending my extra money there, fine. But if I’m spending it on fancy purses or something I don’t even use then cut that expense. She gave me a spreadsheet to use but I only update 1-2x a year.

17. Can you wonderful and fashionable ladies please help me put together an outfit to go see Madonna at MSG? I’m open to buying some new stuff or using your outfit inspiration to shop my closet. I’m 44 and mom of a toddler, and my style tends classic but right now I feel very unfashionable. So excited for a rare night out!

    1. I remember when Madonna was edgy. I’m not sure what you’d wear to a concert now, but for the life of me I want her to eat some food and put on some clothes and stop with the questionable posing in the DM. I am old enough to be tired and have old feet, so I’d wear combat-type boots, ripped denim and a black t-neck sweater. Maybe I’d throw on a pointy bullet bra over the t-neck for old time’s sake, but I’m old and get a chill easily.

       Madonna — Like a Prayer is my favorite still. Song is epic.

       1. Borderline 4eva. That was my intro to Madonna, and yes I wore elbow length lace gloves to my calculus class.

    2. I have a friend who saw her last night and said it was “transcendent,” so you are in for a treat! She performed for 3 hours! I’m not sure what I’d wear, but it would definitely include comfortable footwear (lug sole boots or similar). Probably all black, too.

       To the poster at 11:47– Are we still shaming women for what they wear and how they pose on social media? Especially women who have built a career on subverting expectations and stereotypes? Yikes!

       1. I feel that all of Madonna’s “shock” postings now are just poorly done and are a bid for attention that just seems desperate. FWIW, if you start down the s*xy / edgy route in your 20s, that’s IMO just hard to execute well as you age. Not a lot of runway. At least Mick and other aging rockers can just bank on “rocker” and not have to sell it as s*xy (or why David Cassidy and other people trading on their looks alone just have shorter and more frustrating careers). Contrast it with Heart, who I’d go see in a hot minute and don’t worry about their abs as much.

          1. Right! I got what you meant. It’s still offensive, and also you don’t have to look at her social media if you don’t like it!

          2. She’s an artist and art is meant to challenge your biases. If she’s celebrating her sexuality in her sixties, that’s her choice. You don’t have to look. I celebrate her.

    3. For a popular concert at the Garden, you will likely be standing a lot, so start your look with comfortable shoes like Chuck Taylors or combat boots. I would channel her 80s look, which can be done mostly through accessories like a wide piece of lace tied in a bow as a headband and/or black o-ring bracelets. We all rocked oversized white t-shirts from the men’s underwear department back in the day, preferably falling off the shoulder with a black lace bra peeking out. Red lipstick. Rosaries as necklaces.

       Have fun!

       1. Desperately Seeking Susan era Madonna would be fun and comfy.

    4. Wear all black and some comfortable shoes. Then add glitter or sparkles anywhere you can.

    5. I saw her in DC in December! I went with comfort and didn’t regret it. I wore a black sweater, black leggings, and flat boots with rockstuds on them (got them at WHBM). I dressed the look up with silver jewelry, a black cat eye, and red lipstick. Have fun!!!

       1. Let me also add that it was very hot in the arena due to some special fx from her stage. So don’t plan your outfit around a jacket.

          1. Echoing this – I saw her in Toronto this past weekend and it was hot! I heard she requests it to protect her voice. So don’t wear too many layers

    6. Thank you all for recommendations! Ha, I wish I could pull off a pointy bullet bra. I think I will go with all black because that is what I have in my closet. Maybe also add a fun 80s twist to it. Great ideas here.

18. Sorry if this double posts.

    Can you wonderful and fashionable ladies help me put together an outfit to see Madonna at MSG? I’m open to buying something new or using your outfit inspiration to shop my closet. I’m 44 and my style tends classic (and a little boring). Also the mom of a young child and feeling unfashionable. So looking forward to a rare night out!

19. At church this weekend I saw someone wearing the coolest-looking earrings. Small diamonds, sort of in a hoop shape, but they twisted under her earlobes and disappeared. They were really dainty and looked like they were floating. They didn’t dangle, but were like tiny thin huggies that rotated through three dimensions instead of just two, if that makes sense. I’ve been trying to identify them (so I can buy a pair or a dupe) but am not having a lot of success. I found some “open pear” and “front-back pear” designs that are in the vein of this but not quite it (too big and fancy-looking). Please let me know if you can identify these earrings or give me better search terms. Thank you! (From an earrings-obsessed lady.)

    1. was it a spiral style? ex here https://www.amazon.com/Spiral-Hoop-Twist-Double-Earrings/dp/B08ZJPBD8J?th=1

    2. Try searching for sideways earrings or huggies.

    3. White gold spiral diamond earrings:
       https://ringconcierge.com/products/pave-spiral-threader-earrings?variant=33680705323096

       https://www.babygold.com/products/14k-gold-diamond-double-huggie-hoop-earrings?variant=43724146999458&currency=USD

       If you’re into spending gently-used car money on earrings: https://www.artemerstudio.com/products/spiral-hoop-earring-with-pink-tapered-baguette-diamonds-limited-edition

       1. The Artemer link is the closest (and I also found a few similar ones on other pages – Blue Nile, Neiman Marcus). But the pair this woman had on were tiny, dainty, thin, no space between the bottom of her ear and the bottom of her earring. Oh well, I’ll keep searching (or maybe ask the wearer if I ever see her again). Thanks!

          1. https://www.amazon.com/Zoe-Chicco-Womens-Longer-Earrings/dp/B0BZQBYYCH

          2. https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/saks-fifth-avenue-collection-14k-yellow-gold–amp–0.75-tcw-diamond-front-facing-hoop-earrings-0400016314267.html

          3. So more akin to these?

             https://materialgood.com/products/mini-diamond-spiral-earrings

          4. Tiny and dainty make me think of Catbird. The slice of moon earring seems similar to what you described.

       2. Those Artemer hoops are to die for!

    4. maybe “ear jacket hoops” or “ear jacket circle”?

       https://cuyana.com/products/luna-ear-jacket-earrings?variant=44388541399355
       https://www.etsy.com/search?q=ear%20jacket%20circle&ref=search_bar

    5. The first thing I thought of was “front-back” earrings – look on etsy, there are tons of styles.

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