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Coffee Break: Elodie-R Coat

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Brown double-breasted wool coat with an overlapped collar and a curved front hem that sweeps away from the button closure.

I love this Mackage coat, particularly the unusual cut and overlapping collar. I first noticed the design on a houndstooth trench coat, but I think it’s even lovelier in wool.

I’m not usually a fan of double-breasted coats, but dang this one is gorgeous.

It’s $1190 at Nordstrom (although the houndstooth trench is marked down to $817.)

(If you are the rare bird who can wear a wrap coat without looking like you’re in a bathrobe, this one is also gorgeous.)

Sales of note for 11/6:

  • Nordstrom – Early Black Friday sale! Up to 25% off fashion + 15% off all fragrance
  • Sephora – Savings Event! 10-20% off for members, and 30% off Sephora Collection
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off your purchase, and $50 off $200
  • Brooklinen – Surprise weekend sale, 20% off
  • Electric Picks – 25% off
  • J.Crew – 2400+ markdowns
  • J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 20% on suiting and dresses! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Talbots – Enjoy 30% off your entire purchase

108 Comments

  1. Has anyone dealt with growing apart with a truly lifelong best friend? It makes me sad to think of pulling back because of the amazing years of memories we have, but for about 4-5 years now, it just hasn’t been fun to be around each other, for lack of a better way to describe it. We’ve both been through life challenges in that time and that’s to be expected as life goes on, but it seems to go beyond that. She says she wants to continue to vacation with us like we have for 20 years and to do occasional weekend trips (we live a state apart), but when we do, she spends the entire time looking at her phone, acting low-key annoyed, declining to participate in activities, acting negative about anyone else’s suggestions, and rushing people around. As an example, she’ll rush everyone out the door to a restaurant even when there’s no urgency whatsoever, like she’ll get in the car and turn on the ignition before everyone has used the bathroom and put on their shoes, and then acts annoyed if people (including our small children) don’t rush into the car at top speed after they see her there. I also found it weird that we were driving last weekend and a moose crossed the road (a rare and cool sight for the area) and the other adults and kids were all so excited, but she refused to look up from her Apple watch and just said “cool.” It was a strange vibe. She acts like she doesn’t want to be around us but then when asked, insists that she wants to participate/continue to do trips/continue to see each other. There are still occasional glimmers of the good times of the past, too, but they’re rare now.

    I still want her in my life and I won’t throw away the wonderful memories we have, but I think the pain point for me is the weekends/vacations – I get very limited time off from work and I don’t want to spend that time not having a nice time. It doesn’t have to be fun every single second but it’s a massive downer to be around someone who seems low-key pissed all the time for no clear reason. She is successful at her job, has an OK if not amazing marriage, has two great kids, and is taking antidepressants – all kind of ordinary and if pressed, she wouldn’t say she feels actively depressed or unhappy. She just seems to no longer have fun with us and I’m not sure why. Any advice? I’m leaning towards simply planning other vacations and having less time available without a big explanation, but not sure that’s fair when it’s a lifelong friend who thinks we’re vacationing together next summer.

    1. I would definitely lean out of spending your limited vacation time with this friend. It’s sad, but I’ve had to do the same with some friends and family members who, despite claiming they really want to vacation with us, just are not present when we’re actually together (one couple expressed great enthusiasm to go on vacation with us and then didn’t actually take the days off work and spent the entire time working remotely while we hung out with their kids, which was actually lovely! but not what I had envisioned). In your case I would just say that you’re not available, but I would give her a decent heads up so she’s not anticipating that you’ll vacation together next summer. Just a straightforward, “sorry but we’re not going to be able to go on our annual beach/lake/skiing/whatever trip this year – we’re going to be doing xyz instead and unfortunately don’t have the PTO to do both. After 20 years of this trip, it won’t be the same summer without it! Hopefully we can find a weekend to see each other in the fall, instead!” If they continue to ask you why, I would just stick to something bland and vague like this. I don’t think you’re going to get far trying to actually explain why it’s not fun to travel with them anymore.

      1. This. I would pull back on the whole family trips and just do the one on one occasional weekend trip with her.

        How are her parents? I know I was on my phone way too much when my Dad was sick with cancer and my Mom was not coping well. It may also be that her depression is worse that you realize and she is not coping well/antidepressants are not working.

        1. They’re fine (I know them well). I think it’s more likely that the antidepressants aren’t working well or are dulling her emotions – and I think the addictive nature of screentime doesn’t help. She went on them when she had moderate PPD with her youngest.

      3. Yes. It wasn’t a full come to Jesus talk or anything like that but I gently told her that it didn’t seem like she was having fun and asked what was going on. She blamed it on a temporary situation at work. I specifically asked if she wanted to continue planning these vacations and stuff and she said yes.

      2. Lol this. Going on family vacations with friends is just not in the cards for me. Maybe keep a long weekend or two on the calendar, but I would stop the combined family vacations immediately!

          1. OP here and that’s the sad thing – it WAS super fun to vacation with her. We USED to have a great time. But it’s been about 5 years of not now and that’s long enough for me. I think I’ll feel more comfortable with no-PTO weekend trips at this point – even if she’s grumpy and on her phone, it’s only 2 nights.

          2. OP, I used to love sleepovers with my friends but I was also a teenager at the time. I’m in my 40s now, and we all outgrew that stage. Your friendship can change over time and still be just as meaningful. If you try to force it to stay as it once was just because that was a lovely time, you are going to miss out on all the great ways it can mature as you both continue to grow yourselves.

          3. Yeah, kids/adults/families evolve. Dynamics change. I think your strategy of doing weekends away with her that do not require PTO seems like a good approach.

    4. honestly, she probably is in perimenopause and needs medication. if you feel like you’re ok to burn the friendship down i’d ask her about this, but otherwise just stop spending your limited vacation time with her. maybe try again for a weekend away in a few years.

    5. I’d blame the antidepressants; for some people they can completely negate the ability to experience fun or enjoy anything.

      I’d probably confront her at least once about the phone though.

    6. vacationing together is a whole different level of togetherness. Stop it to save the friendship.

      1. And vacationing with whole families is another level again. Especially if partners or kids don’t get along. Hang out with her one on one for shorter periods like a 2day 2 night weekend and spend your PTO with family.

      2. Yes, this absolutely. We have a great circle of friends but only one family we have ever vacationed with. It is just another level and travel on its own can be stressful.

    7. FWIW, a vacation together every summer, along with several weekends a year, feels like a LOT of trip/vacation time together. Isn’t it inevitable that level of vacationing will shift as all your kids grow up and your families shift/change?

      1. +1. I would not kill the entire friendship, but I would pull way back on vacationing together.

  2. Annecdata on jaw surgery (which wasn’t for mouth breathing, but for an underbite), where the top jaw is broken:
    This is a brutal surgery. Weeks of soft food, often run through a blender and then fed in with a giant syringe. Your nerves will be in a sort of shock, where you can’t tell if you are drooling, so you will drool as you eat and just in general. It will take several towels to get through a feeding, so prepare to do a lot of wash; you will also wet through a pillow, so be sure to have a waterproof cover and plenty of pillow cases and towels for when you sleep. You will need meds 24/7 at first, so have a friend or a mom stay with you to track and administer and taper off any narcotics if you take them. The narcotics should only be 24-48 hours, but the 24/7 may last for days until you have the pain under control. You shouldn’t be driving or doing stairs or showering unattending. If you don’t eat well on this, you can get light-headed and you don’t want to fall, especially when you may not catch yourself because you’ve fainted vs tripped. You may need to return to the doctor for an IV if you get dehydrated. Your face will swell up horribly and it will take a while to go down and you will be green from bruising. You will have scars from your incisions and they may heal flat or you may need to work at getting them to fade or become flat. It will take a WHILE to get sensation in your lips back and your final face shape to emerge. You also won’t be able to wash your hair for a while after. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, and it may be different for plain mouthbreathing, but it’s not a nothing burger. Also, IDK how expensive it is for a cash paying patient, but I imagine it is $$$ if insurance doesn’t pay. Also, it’s outpatient where we live, so you will need a care team who can put in long hours for an extended period of time. IDK how you get that — even a child may have working parents, divorced parents, and/or siblings, all with various needs of their own that don’t go on hiatus for this.

    TL;DR: I was really surprised the other day to read that parents that didn’t pursue this were “neglectful.”

    2. I had this surgery as a teen and my recovery was nowhere near as bad as what you just described, at all! (Lower jaw surgery where the jaw has to be wired shut, I have heard, is worse.)
      -I was puffy and obviously swollen for a few weeks but, though *I* can tell looking back at pictures that full swelling took a few months to go away, I wasn’t at all self conscious.
      -I managed pain with OTC meds
      -Yes, I had to eat soft foods – think creamy PB on Wonder Bread with no crust, smoothies, etc – for the first bit, but did not require feeding with a syringe or dramatic toweling to eat.

      1. oh, and the surgery was performed by making internal incisions only – the top of the gum – so there was no scarring.

    3. As has been stated repeatedly on the like seven posts on this in the last two days, there are non-invasive interventions that only work in kids. You do those so they don’t have to do any brutal surgeries as adults.

      1. Yes, this is exactly why some people are frustrated by opportunities that were missed when they were younger, because it’s a much bigger intervention now than it would have been if it were addressed promptly.

        There’s also no winning since not getting the brutal intervention now can cause a lot of problems too. So yes it would have been nice to have this fixed in a much safer, less painful way decades ago!

        1. Honestly it’s incredibly unreasonable to expect all issues to be fixed during childhood. There’s limited time and money, and sometimes other stuff just has to be prioritized by parents and caretakers. It’s annoying, but ultimately reasonable to expect to have to handle the stuff ourselves when we’re older.

          Parents are not just a checkbook, they are balancing lots of stuff when getting a kid to adulthood.

          1. If you can’t/won’t address necessary medical care for your children you shouldn’t have them.

          2. It’s not actually reasonable. We need better insurance coverage for these kinds of time sensitive interventions; children have no money at all, and they are not in a position to handle these things at the right time to intervene. Why blame parents and not schools (who waste kids’ time on stuff that matters less while discouraging medical appts.) and insurers (who exclude coverage)? It doesn’t serve anyone well for people to grow up suffering entirely preventable complications. Are people here just so right wing that they feel that it’s 100% on the parents to ensure that children’s needs are met, and if the parents can’t do it all, tough luck? Why can’t we support parents and children any better than that?

            Some of my family have had some significant issues because there wasn’t a lot of money to nip things in the bud when they were kids. However the parents did downplay the need and let themselves be reassured that it wasn’t that big a deal and wouldn’t have the exact negative outcomes that it has had. So parents need to be aware of how easy it is to fall for false reassurance from negligent healthcare providers. This is also true in acute situations; it’s a basic issue of safety. I know I’ve let myself be reassured when I wanted something to be no big deal when I actually needed to advocate for care.

            I didn’t get occupational therapy that I really needed because I had developed workarounds that appeared to be adequate at the time. I don’t think it was fully appreciated at the time what the long term consequences would be of doing things the wrong way. Adults thought they were being inclusive of difference; they didn’t have a concept of orthopedic risk. If I see people making the same mistake now, I do feel that I should share my experience that the way that “feels right” today can cause harm over the long term, since we do know better now than we did back then. Because as a child I was very persuasive that I knew better and was fine and didn’t need anything, but I was a child and didn’t know what I didn’t know. I’d have skipped vaccines too if they let me (and now look at how many people are doing exactly that).

          3. Kids come into the world whether parents can afford them or not. That’s just how it is. That kid can be resentful their whole entire life, like Anonymous, or figure stuff out and move forward.

          4. Nobody’s resentful. It’s completely okay to try to do better and learn some lessons going forward.

          5. The unreasonable person was the one expecting all of other people’s issues to have been fixed during childhood or at least to be fixable as an adult.

            Sometimes the opportunity passed during childhood and was missed.

      2. Don’t you know adults need to take @c0uNtab!Lity for not getting proper care in their youth?!

      3. My kid had this as a teen. She had stopped growing by then. Maybe doctors don’t believe that girls really can be done growing by 10ish years old? But it was very brutal for her. I’m glad we didn’t wait until she was an adult because we did it over the summer and she was mostly not puffy and not drooling when school started in the fall. Also, she wasn’t driving and we controlled access and promptly disposed of the narcotics. But was rough on her and I feel like maybe we needed a night nurse in retrospect because we were barely functioning with a week of high intensity care.

        1. Doctors IMO are reluctant to do things on a kid’s face until they have stopped growing and are at their final size. But they (IMO surgeons skew male) fail to account for how most boys grow through high school but many/most girls are done growing by middle school. Did you get your prior when you were 10? If so, you were probably within an inch of adult size. Boys have IMO so much more runway on this.

    4. What problem does jaw surgery fix that is bad enough to make the surgery worth it?!?

      1. Apparently mouth breathing, which is the worst problem in the world to have and should have been corrected when you were a child. After the conversation on here yesterday, I’m re-evaluating my entire relationship with my parents over their failure to correct my mouth breathing when they could. Too bad they are dead, now I can’t go no contact with them.

  3. How many purses / bags do you have and how many do you use? I feel that I have a LOT. They are expensive, so it’s a bit painful to donate something in good condition and spendy (and small enough to store, but 20 of them does start to take up space). I feel like I need to do one last rotation through them to see which ones are useful / delightful and just donate the others.

    I tend to keep shoes unless they make my feet miserable, but the purses and bags just accumulate.

    1. One that I use about 360 days per year. One fancy clutch that I despise because it’s annoying but take to the one gala-like event I attend once per year. One canvas fanny pack that I use when we are going for day hikes and the weather means I will need to carry sunscreen to reapply before we are done.

    2. I have 4 daily-use purses, 1 evening clutch, and 2 leather totes. One of the daily-use purses is in rotation every day.
      Evening clutch is rare use. Totes, ditto.

    3. like, 30-40 collected over 20 years. There’s only a few that I don’t use at least a few times a year – some little bags that only fit 2000’s mini phones but that I remember from so many fun events back then that I don’t begrudge them the space.

    4. I have 3 that I cycle between for daily use, a nylon fanny pack-type bag for when I want something casual that can hold a bit and clean up easily for a hike or similar, a clear bag for events that require it, and a couple of dressy purses for special events. I occasionally buy a cheap purse to use for a couple seasons if I see something cute and have been wanting a change, but that’s very infrequent now. I am not including in this total: leather totes used for work or casual totes that I consider family property and that anyone can grab when needed.

    5. I have four for daily use that I rotate based on outfits, occasion, and season. In addition I have two evening clutches, a leather tote for bigger work meetings, and a leather backpack that is my daily driver for work due to carrying files and comfort in my middle years (currently early 40s). I also have a travel camera bag that I use as a small day pack when we are traveling.

    6. I have three main bags – an every day short handled satchel type bag, a smaller long strap bag that can be worn cross body, and a work/travel tote kind of bag.

      I have many more bags than this but these three are the ones that get regular use. I use the satchel the most. I use the cross body for trips & for dinners. The strap can tuck in and I can use it like a clutch, but most often if I’m wearing it for something like a cocktail party, I wear it on my shoulder but not cross-body.

    7. For so many years I had a sensible black purse that I carried until it fell apart. I had some clutches from my mother for dress. I now spend too much on bags but really love a pretty leather purse.

  4. I was at a meeting yesterday where the walls had grasscloth wallpaper on them. I thought it really warmed up (emotionally?) the room — it seemed less sterile and office-y with the texture on the walls vs drywall (maybe plaster walls with their unevenness would feel “warmer” like that?). I have seen grasscloth in houses and liked it also, along with regular wallpaper. BUT I have also seen wallpaper that I have hated and I’ve moved into places where it was hard to strip (e.g., 80s wallpaper that was striped, embossed, and shiny, and that was just one room). Is there a lifespan of wallpaper — like in 20 years, you will just take it down as stale? Or are some truly timeless? I have seen older houses with wall stenciling that I loved but it’s not a look where I live now and I remember horrible faux stenciling boarder contact paper that we used in college.

    1. I think all walls need freshening up at least once a decade. If you hire a pro, they can deal with taking down old wallpaper so I don’t sweat this. I want to live in a home I love and I change walls pretty often. It’s a lot of bang for the design buck and can completely change a room. I’m never worried about “timeless” – there’s no such thing. My style is more traditional so furniture reflects that and probably the wallpapers and paints I gravitate to do as well. But I don’t think that’s timeless, just a snobby choice I’m into.

    2. Wallpaper is a professional job imho. Applying , stripping, ect I leave it to the professionals.

      I think we put way too much pressure on our homes to be “forever.” If I can imagine liking something 7-10 years from now when trends have surely shifted then I’m ready to commit. Wallpaper, rich colors, traditional decorating are IN right now. I imagine in ten years some cleaner, simpler trend will come along and we’ll rip a lot of it out. Can you imagine still wanting grass cloth then?

      Fwiw I like grasscloth very much but it comes in a wide variety of qualities and materials. So if you’ve fallen in love with something high end understand you might hate a lower quality version. And if you’re type a consider you will see the seams. Per at least one decorated you’re supposed to see them.

      1. My house came with a powder room with grasscloth wallpaper, and if it was a room I was in more than I am, the seams would drive me nuts.

    3. Timeless is usually relative to the architecture of the house (like you said about older houses with good wall stenciling… what matches the period aesthetic will never look wrong one day just because time passed)… though maybe this is mainly if the architecture is anything special to begin with.

      Outside of that general rule, my personal opinion is that grasscloth specifically is so trendy that it’s eventually going to look dated. Earthy, natural 70s decor genuinely felt really drab and depressing in the embossed and shiny 80s era! The hotels that put up grasscloth recently will be taking it down in time. I do not think this is a reason to avoid it though.

      1. Is there a more timeless wallpaper? I see fancy mansions with silk on the walls but IMO that isn’t for common folk like me. Strawberry Thief? Queen of Spain?

    4. My parents had one room with grasscloth wallpaper when I was growing up. It was a horrible dustcatcher.

    5. Walls get dusty and dirty, and anything with texture will show that much sooner and need different cleaning techniques (like vacuuming) than a painted wall (which you can wipe down with a damp cloth). They will eventually show wear and tear, and 20 years from now even a great, timeless wallpaper isn’t likely to look brand new.

    6. Ah! I had two rooms with grasscloth wallpaper in my very first condo back in the mid 80s! Good times! I agree that the only finishes that are truly timeless are those that match the age of your house.

    7. My dentist’s office has the same high quality grass cloth wallpaper it did when I was a child. I am 62. I am on my second generation of dentists there, and have seen countless dental hygienists come and go, but the grass cloth wallpaper and the receptionist remain the same.

    8. Ew Ew Ew. I don’t know the name for it (grass cloth) but looked it up and I’ve seen it and I hate hate hate it.

  5. i am really struggling with who to vote for in the midterm elections in some of the races in my state. there is an issue that is very important to me, and a lot of the candidates who i agree with on every other position, either disagree or aren’t particularly vocal on the issue that is very important to me. i feel kind of guilty no matter who i vote for.

    1. Don’t feel guilty about who you vote for. Votes are strategic; it’s not an endorsement. There are a number of issues that are very important to me that candidates are either actively bad on or don’t care about at all. On a friend/enemy analysis, they’re not friends, but it’s smart to vote for the preferable enemy.

      1. Also maybe check your privilege if you feel represented on “every other position”!

          1. That figures, but I think looking how imperfect this all is may help with letting go of some of the guilt!

            I do not enjoy voting either. It may help to come up with a plan to advocate for your issue with whoever ends up elected.

      2. +1 that votes are strategic. I vote for people who I think will do the best job overall, on the things that matter for that position in that moment.

        I am in the Bay Area and always voted for the city council candidates who were the most pro-more housing because we have a severe shortage of housing. I recently learned that new state laws require cities to approve tons of housing and our city has that housing in the pipeline.

        This year, I voted for the candidates that have the best qualifications for ensuring city services keep up with growth and who spend a lot of time listening to residents and care to solve small-sounding problems that make a big difference. They would prefer less housing than I prefer, but it doesn’t matter because state law requires so much housing.

    4. If you agree with these candidates on every other position, you have to make a strategic choice about what’s likely and what’s important. You may also want to take a closer look at their opinions on the issue close to your heart, because there may be nuance that isn’t being communicated in the sound bites so common to modern campaigns.

      1. Totally! We have a school board candidate who is very good at conveying her support for a popular position. If you look more deeply, there’s another candidate who is more thoughtful about trying to get all the information necessary to make things better (so doesn’t have a quick, quotable answer) and I think has a better chance of achieving what the community wants. Unfortunately, the first candidate is getting branded as the one who is best at the popular position.

        1. Our town’s school board elections are sooo dramatic. I don’t even fully understand why, the candidates seem mostly aligned on the vast majority of the issues, but they get REALLY contentious.

    5. i am with you OP. this is an oversimplification, but i am more ‘liberal’ for lack of a better term i am also Jewish and am struggling with candidates who are also more liberal, but have done things that have made me feel less safe as a Jew in this country.

      1. Same. Well, it’s not actually an issue for me because I live in a red state and our Democrats are 1) very centrist and 2) never going to win. I’d really struggle if I lived in some other states with viable left wing progressives. I think ultimately I would vote straight D no matter what but it wouldn’t feel good.

          1. Is that an issue more important than everything else we’re dealing with and need a democratic majority to stop?

          4. An overwhelming majority of American Jews (something like 85%) identify as pro-Israel.

      4. Are you talking about El-Sayed? Muslims are allowed (and encouraged!) to run for office. People shouldn’t have weird feelings about that. I genuinely hope his campaign is successful. My candidate in Virginia just wants to talk about affordability instead of the absolute rot that needs to be cleaned up. I’ll vote for him anyway but it’s dispiriting—where is his backbone and courage?

          1. I can’t imagine being a Democrat in Michigan and sitting this one out. You would have to care very little about the future of this country to prioritize your feelings about a divisive topic with no morally right answer.

          2. Who said anything about sitting it out? The democrats are going down a dangerous path. Be glad you can be so unconflicted.

          3. I am very unconflicted. The enemy is not DSA or the acknowledgment of the atrocious behavior of another country. The enemy is an administration bent on destroying our laws, denigrating immigrants, and inflicting damage to our country and the people living in it. That’s the priority here in this country. Everything else has to take a back seat.

          5. Whether democrats win or lose is always up to the electorate and whatever lies they tell themselves. They clearly thought our current administration was the answer, twice. I don’t blame democrats for that. I blame the ill-informed, short-sighted electorate, fully.

          6. People who don’t agree with you aren’t per se uninformed. It’s that kind of condescending attitude that loses votes.

          7. Anyone who is worried about the excesses of ideology and then ALSO thinks progressive democrats are the problem is ill-informed. End of story.

    6. As a lawyer who has attended multiple continuing legal education sessions on preserving the rule of law because there is so much concern about the collapsing rule of law, the main factor should probably be whether the candidates strongly support the continuation of free and fair elections because there are so many reports about attempts at election interference by the GOP.

      There have been significant issues with executive power overreach (eg Iran, various budgetary moves), a lack of compliance with court decisions (whether minor like golf course or major like immigration related) and attempts to subvert state protections around elections. I would not take the ability to have free and fair elections for granted.

      1. Amen. If we don’t have the rule of law, we have nothing. We’re veering so close to the edge here.

    7. let me simplify it for you, neither candidate is going to do what you want because it’s a complicated situation. the Rs will lie to you about what they’ll do. the Ds will admit it’s complicated. look at T, what he has he done. (and honestly i understand the concern about antisemitism, i do, but at a certain point you have to admit that DJT/BN are both as bad news as VP.)

      i think the bus analogy applies to voting. not strategy, not a soul partner. just whichever one will get you closer to the area you want to end up.

      1. Stop being so condescending. We know this. Many of us have voted Democrat our entire lives and will continue to do so, but it is quite difficult to pull the lever for people who’d wish you dead. Doesn’t mean I won’t do it but get off your high horse pretending it’s just some democratic exercise for you. In the words of woke 1.0, do the work and listen.

          1. When they align with globalizing the intifada and Hamas, yeah, they want us dead. Maybe educate yourself instead of seeing that cute black and white scarf as an accessory.

          2. Ohhh, lots of candidates for office wearing “the cute scarf”? You’re fear-mongering, mostly to yourself.

        2. “Do the work”… and you have the absolute gall to call another commenter condescending.

  7. Any other Harvard ‘07s here? It’s been a wild week watching our former classmate sink to new lows.

    1. I’m not a Harvard alum but I guessed who you were talking about, and… ugh. (Hint: Ohio.)

      1. I didn’t know him well but we crossed paths. He seemed smarmy and pompous but not evil.

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