Coffee Break: Phoebe Boot

52 Comments

1. Have you ever done an intervention for a friend for something NOT related to drugs/alcohol? Seriously pondering one for my sister’s life choices.

   1. Can I ask what category of life choices that aren’t drugs/alcohol require an intervention?
      I’m coming up with bad significant other, or maybe diet/managing health stuff? I feel like the bad significant other is a conversation you have once and then drop it.

      1. I posted on the moms page yesterday about a rough family weekend (staying with my family member and her husband who have a terrible, toxic marriage). Before they got married, we had ONE conversation where I expressed support for her if she wanted to change her mind and call off the wedding. She didn’t, they have two kids, and it’s stressful and awful to see how bad things are. However, even that doesn’t rise to the level of a family member striding in to “intervene.” It’s up to her. I’m a bit curious whether natural consequences might get through to her – family no longer wanting to stay with her being the main one.

   2. It really depends on the choice and whether its legitimately dangerous or you’re being judgey.

      If my parents had their way they would have given me an intervention for my social sciences degree. Jokes on them I earn more than anyone in my family.

   3. Real question: do you think there’s any chance at all that you telling her she’s screwing up is going to help? And what support are you willing to provide to help her make different choices?

      1. This. The script is the longer version of “I love you. I’m here for you. I’m concerned.” You don’t pass judgement. You only let her know that there is a safe place to land if she needs it. And you back it up with a real offer for her and her kids to get out.

   4. It’s not my place to do an “intervention” with a consenting, full-grown adult who is entitled to make her own choices, but in a fantasy world, man, I’d love to sit my cousin down and tell her to get the divorce already. They’re so ill-suited and make everyone around them miserable.

      1. +1 just because you don’t like the choices someone is making doesn’t mean you get to have any say.

         1. I don’t get this. People are allowed to talk to each other. Yes sometimes difficult conversations require tact. But full grown adults can handle hearing other people’s perspectives on their choices.

            1. That’s different from an “intervention” though.

            2. Yep. There’s a huge difference between “I’m concerned about you for ___” and “You’re out of control and need to stop ___.”

   5. Isn’t the point of an intervention to get someone to go to rehab?

      1. Please watch this episode of How I Met Your Mother and start intervening in the lives of your loved ones. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1256186

   6. If it’s for a relationship you fear will kill her, I think you should give it a try after thinking for a loooong time about what the best way to talk to her about it is. Nobody tried to talk me out of marrying a guy who had broken furniture during an argument because they didn’t want to overstep. I don’t know if I would’ve listened, but I wish someone had tried.

   7. I don’t know about “an intervention,” but of course I’ve talked to people about concerns before. People in situations don’t always have perspective; there’s no way around that. They’re the ones in the situations. People don’t always see their own patterns. And sometimes people have explained things to me that helped me understand how their choices are working for them. I’ve also appreciated having the opportunity to alleviate other people’s concerns before. I don’t think it’s preferable when people are thinking something but leaving it unsaid!

      1. +1. As a group I’ve gently approached someone about her boyfriend’s alcohol abuse. X, Y, and Z things you’ve told us are concerning, do you think he sees a problem with his alcohol use, would you be happy parenting a kid with him if his behavior doesn’t change, what would cross the line for you, etc.

         But that’s very different from telling someone “Your choices are bad, you’re ruining your life, here’s how you’re harming the people around you, you need to do X to snap out of it.” Unless the person is at risk of committing violence, being a victim of violence, death, going to prison, or irreversible financial ruin I don’t think you can approach it this way.

         1. I think I call the second scenario a “come to Jesus” and thankfully I haven’t encountered behavior that has warranted it from me. I do know people who have benefited from hearing it from someone else though, so I know it can help people if it’s the right time and place and the right person.

      2. +1

   8. I’d say no. A mutual friend ranted at my brother about all of his poor choices for the past decade (including not working since Obama was in the WH) and now they’re not speaking.

   9. No, and I have a sibling who has lived off the grid with her deadbeat dude for the last decade, has given birth to 9 kids in that time, and only reaches out to one grandparent when she wants money or can’t contain her rant about how much we have all failed her by not funding her trad life dream.

      1. This isn’t really selling me on not intervening.

         1. What do you propose to do and how do you think it will play out? You can’t force an adult to listen to you or cooperate just because they make life decisions you don’t like.

            With my sister, I told her I thought her dude was a problem, didn’t want him around my family or in my house, and that if she ever needed help I am here for her. It’s not like I can have her involuntarily committed just because she wants to live down a two-track behind a gate in a very rural area off a remote county road and have oodles of kids until her body gives out. I can’t kidnap the children and introduce them to society, I can’t force her dude to get snipped or stay in a job for more than 2 weeks. She’s an adult who is competent to make her own decisions, even ones I think are bad.

            1. To me it sounds like you did what you could (i.e. you did intervene). Or anyway I don’t think OP was asking if people broke the law or did something impossible.

            2. See, I don’t consider what I did with my sister to be an intervention and I think OP needs to stop using the word “intervention” for this. It doesn’t mean what OP thinks it means.

   10. You cannot control other people and you also have no right to.

       1. It’s hard because people frequently need to be reminded that there’s nothing they could have done, that people have to be ready to change themselves, and that they can even do more harm than not by trying to control the people they care about.

          But at the same time, it’s demonstrably true that there are people who have turned their lives around and recover precisely because someone stepped in and helped them. (Though I wonder how often it’s someone from outside, like if we somehow have resistance to our existing relationships.)

       2. You also don’t have a right to look disaster square in the face and say/do nothing.

   11. Not quite the same situation, but I recently was delegated responsibility for having a hard conversation with a family member. In our case, the conversation needed to be had. But before I brought it up, I thought long and hard about how to have the conversation. I am a Christian and listened to a couple of podcasts about wise decision making and read scripture about saying things sincerely and with love, and I prayed for both of us. And it worked. My difficult words were received well, as was my proposed solution, and they paved the way for more difficult but productive conversations. My experience is not going to be helpful to determine whether to say anything, but if you do, really think hard about how to say it, about your own attitude and about your motives for having the conversation. Your attitude and motive are likely to be apparent to your sister.

       1. I think this is really good advice.

       2. This is good advice. Lead with kindness and offer help. And if you can’t do that, don’t have the conversation.

   12. I just intervened with a friend and her husband. She is like a sister to me. I intervened because their fighting is traumatizing their children. I have seen it first hand. Will they change? I don’t know. But I’ve said my piece as a responsible adult, because the kids need someone to stop this. It’s crazy to watch a marriage at war.

2. What are your dream travel destinations? Which are you trying to do while you’re young/healthy enough to enjoy them (hiking, biking, scuba diving)?

   1. I really want to take the family and go mountain biking at a bike park in Austria. I also want to ski in the Lofoten Islands in Norway and raft/kayak the Futaleufu in Chile. I’m a big believer that you’re never too old to try something adventurous – especially if you’re a woman, a mother, or a grandmother. We get SO many messages that those kinds of trips aren’t for us but they absolutely are!

      1. I’m sad to hear that others seem to get messages they can’t be adventurous or fun once they’re moms? My mom STARTED surfing as a mid 40s mom. She’s mid 60s and we ski and hike together.

         1. Exactly! It’s one thing if you’re not interested in those kinds of adventures – that’s fine. The messages, both explicit and implicit, that I think are worth fighting against are things like “you’re too old to try a sport with fall risk” or “that’s something that only young hardbodies/cyclists in Spandex can do” or “most people start that when they’re kids, you can’t really learn it now” or “your focus should be your kids” or “why not try walking instead?”

            1. idk, I think this is just kind of practical? DH and I chose early travel destinations that we figured would be more of a challenge with young kids or with less stamina as a retiree – and as a result went to Morocco and Brazil and Jordan and Egypt before either of us *ever* set foot in Europe other than as a connecting airport.

            2. It’s a nice platitude to say you’re never too old to try new things, but the reality is most people are slowing down pretty significantly by 75-80, and a non-trivial number of people are not even alive by that age. It’s pretty logical to prioritize the most active stuff when you’re young.

      2. They definitely aren’t for me! But enjoy—I hope you make those trips happen.

   2. A cozy log cabin where I get snowed in for a few days but somehow also have gourmet food delivery available.

      A cute, walkable village with a pub, a great view of the countryside where I can walk through the heath while posted up in an adorable little inn. Probably in the fall.

   3. My biggest dream – saying no to all family holiday plans and going with my husband to somewhere cozy with Christmas markets for the December holidays.

      1. Go over American Thanksgiving! That’s what we did and the markets were magical. They had been open for at least a week already.

         1. It’s location dependent – many don’t open until December. Check the dates carefully of anywhere you’re planing to visit.

      2. I’m going first week in December!

      3. Oh yes. I’m divorced now, no children, and one surviving very aged parent. When I no longer have any nuclear family obligations, I am giving kind regards and thanks for the invitations to extended family and friends and jetting off for the holidays. I have a suspicion that once will be enough.

   4. I want to go to all of the continents. I have been to about 20 countries, but only in Europe and N. America.

      Some trips I’d love to take:
      Africa: Egypt, Morocco, safari (no strong preference where; but preference for a camping safari with some bush walking).
      Antarctica: My real dream is to work a season here, but if not a cruise would suffice!
      Asia: SE Asia (planning Cambodia/Vietnam for 2028!), Japan, hiking in either Nepal (NOT Everest base camp!)/Central Asia/the Caucus, Jordan (Petra).
      Europe: Scandinavia, Portugal, see the rest of the Balkans (I’ve been to 3 countries, would like to see the rest), Wales (I’m Irish, German, and Welsh and I’ve been to Ireland and Germany already), Crete.
      North America: All 50 states (I’m at 28!), all National Parks in the lower 48, Montreal/Quebec City (I speak French), Mexico City.
      South America: Peru (Inca Trail), Ecuador (Cotopaxi, Banos), Argentina (Buenos Aires, Mendoza), Argentina/Chile (Patagonia)
      Oceania: New Zealand, French Polynesia.

      I’d like to return to England and France – I love WWII history and there’s much I’d still like to see here (Bletchley Park, Churchill’s War Rooms, Normandy). I’d like to return to Italy to hike the Dolomites (I’ve hiked other Alps, but the Dolomites are stunning).

      I love history, culture/food, and most of all: the outdoors. I’m happiest hiking or on the water. I love taking in new scenery more than anything.

      Activities I’d like to do, not set on a certain location:
      -Skiing somewhere better than the US East Coast. I’ve only ever skied in the Mid-Atlantic, so my next goal is New England but I’d love to eventually ski on snow not ice!
      -Surfing somewhere other than the US East Coast. Ditto, I’ve only ever surfed in NJ.
      – Canyoning
      – See the Northern Lights.
      – Safari
      – Trek in a rain forest.

      I do a few endurance sports and love Type 2 fun, so doing a bit of an endurance trek/race in a cool location would be great.

   5. Sheldon Chalet, Alaska. Unfortunately I will likely never have the budget for it.

   6. Antarctica is my #1, I hope to take my daughter there for her high school graduation and it will be the seventh continent for both of us. I also hope to get to the Galapagos while I’m still young enough to do a lot of snorkeling and hiking. I’ve been on safari and it was fabulous but I actually think it would be a pretty good vacation for someone with limited mobility because you ride around in a jeep all day.

      Otherwise I’m more of a “sit in an Italian piazza eating cheese and sipping prosecco” kind of traveler so I’m not too worried about how I’ll travel when I’m less active.

3. Where are we buying rugs these days?

   1. Super legit Persian rug dealer with a modest storefront in an iffy part of town. You’re sort of concerned to leave your car unattended, and then walk through an unassuming door into a huge, airy Persian carpet heaven.

   2. FBMP. I have 7 from there. The most expensive was $1,000 for a rug that cost them $8,000 new. I love my rugs.

   3. Sadly, West Elm. I’m not educated enough to buy real Persian or Turkish or Moroccan rugs. I’ve been satisfied with the quality of west elm or crate and barrel 100% wool rugs.

   4. Local dealer who also sells vintage rugs, much more affordable than a $8-10k new one.

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