Coffee Break: Spheres Necklace

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1. Which would you choose? To be truly happy and stress-free, with deep meaningful relationships OR to be super, crazy rich?

   1. I think everyone’s going to pick option 1. The only argument for picking option 2 is improved access to healthcare, I think.

      1. Sometimes I think the argument for civilization is largely about improved access to healthcare (are we really happier and better off otherwise!).

   2. I’m not choosing between those things, I want it all.

      1. Saaaame.

         1. yes, please

   3. Enough money can reduce stress and remove obstacles to happiness and obstacles to cultivating deep meaningful relationships. It’s like “would you rather be rich or lucky?” If you’re lucky, what do you need all the money for?

   4. Well, being super rich would get me a long ways toward number 1.

   5. Assuming you can have both, I choose 2 because I’m good with money and have what I think are strong, good values so I wouldn’t become some horrid person because I had crazy wealth. I figure I could buy myself to stress free living because of my resources.

   6. I feel like White Lotus has a lot to say about this

      but I’d also question if ANYONE at any comfort level is truly happy and stress free, especially if you have deep meaningful relationships. there is always some health concern or strife going on, if it isn’t me then my loved ones.

   7. If “truly happy” means I never having to deal with the debilitating depression that’s robbed me of months and years of my life again, sign me up.

   8. Option 1, for sure, because being stress-free for me would mean my finances are reasonably secure. Sounds like a great way to be.

      1. Yeah, I can’t imagine being stress-free unless I didn’t have to worry about housing, food, or healthcare, which are eating the bulk of my paycheck anyway.

         1. Right? Seems like option 2 just sets you up to be pre-reformation Scrooge, Smaug, or Elon.

   9. Sometimes, #2 can help you to buy a lot of #1 – better healthcare, no stress about money, ability to throw money at problems to buy yourself leisure time, and relationships are often within your own control.

      1. Exactly. Money doesn’t guarantee happiness but it eliminates about 90% of the problems that cause unhappiness

   10. IRL I’m pretty close to number 1 and I would definitely choose that. I’m financially secure, have an ok paying job that’s reasonably fulfilling, the likelihood of retiring on time or early, and a great spouse, kid and friends and community. I know a number of people who are missing these things — especially friends and community — and they are pretty unhappy. I feel like, sure I would find something to spend it on if I had tons more money, but I’m fine as I am. I don’t think having a fancy watch would move my happiness level for longer than a day or two (though I would really like one!). TBH, the only major stressor in my life is the state of the world, and since I have very little agency in that I try to limit how stressed I am by it.

   11. Number 2 makes it really easy to obtain number 1.

       1. I don’t think that’s necessarily true; plenty of really rich people end up paranoid that people are using them for their money. One could argue chicken or egg here, as maybe it’s people who use others for what they have to offer are more likely to become rich, so they are less likely to have fulfilling relationships because if how the engage with others not because of the money, but I do think there’s something to be says for too much money souring relationships.

       2. The scenario is set up as an either/or. You’re reading it as a both/and.

          1. Omg is somebody not playing by the made up rules?

       3. And yet oligarchs.

          1. I’m sure they’re happier than most of us.

   12. I had 2 and chose to change to 1. Now looking more for 1.5 or 3 (2+1).

   13. #2
       Would love to have the stress that extra money gives, please, let me try it

       I’ll throw money at my meaningless relationships, too,

2. I’m looking for the hive’s best recommendations regarding travel to Japan!

   My husband and I (50ish) are booked to go during the first 2 weeks of June – flights are booked and we are now at the stage of finalizing specific places we want to visit. We will spend a few (3-5) days in each of Tokyo, Kyoto and maybe Osaka. Also would like to spend some time in a less urban spot.

   We are interested in food & experiences – definitely interested in both historical and modern Japanese culture. Not likely to visit an endless number of temples and shrines nor to do a lot of shopping. What do you recommend?

   1. we spent about 36 hours (one over night) at a hakone and saw mt fuji. nice break.

   2. I actually really recommend Osaka. I think that it has the best food compared to Tokyo and Kyoto and Hiroshima. Any casual spot will be good. I did the Asahi tour there too, for something that is not a temple. Osaka castle and Nara are both worth it. You can also do “experiences” where you make the fake food.

   3. The highlight of a work trip to Japan was the weekend at a ryokan in the Nagano region. Unfortunately, I do not remember which one! We spent a lot of time in the onsens in the town and then went to a nearby national park to see the snow monkeys.

   4. Do a private tour on your first day in each city, I used Tours by Locals. It’s a great way to get acclimated. Also plan to send your luggage ahead of you to the next city so pack with a decent sized carryon to take with you. Japan is awesome, have a great time.

      1. PS – we stayed at Gora Hanaougi in Hakone for a traditional ryoken and it was amazing. 10 out of 10.

         1. PPS – use your hotel concierge to make dinner reservations for you, especially at the small and fancy sushi places. Plan to be early and never a minute late. There’s also amazing French food in Tokyo, which is a fun break.

      2. Agree with Tours by Locals private guides. Also I l9ved Miyajima Island, just outside Osaka.

   5. We did the Kyoto Samurai Experience, which sounded really kitschy but was actually interesting. It’s set in the house of descendants of a former Samurai and was an interesting cultural experience. It might be sold out though. Our favorite meal was the tempura at the Ritz in Kyoto – the ingredients were amazing. (We did a day trip to Osaka, so didn’t spend as much time there.) The tuna auction in Tokyo was really fun (definitely look at getting tickets through the lottery; I would do your research now). We thought Nara was a nice hike, but the deer were ridiculous. We spent two nights in Hiroshima, which we really enjoyed for a different vibe.

   6. I had a lovely stay two years ago at Kamesei Ryokan, located in a cute little onsen town in Chikuma. One of the owners is from Seattle and speaks English. They also run walking / cycling tours of the area!

3. Does anyone have any tips on becoming more authentic?

   I am an ex-lawyer transitioning to a more people-focused role, and the advice a mentor who made this exact transition gave was that I had to take my Professional Lawyer Hat off. Not to, like, overshare, but to have a less calculated / stylized way of presenting myself. For context, I’m transitioning from advising boards/executives to a role where I’m going to be interacting with parents and their elementary age kids.

   I get the general gist of what she’s saying, but I’m struggling to even explain it, which is why I need tips!

   1. You don’t have to be fake-folksy or reveal personal information to be authentic. You just have to show genuine interest in what you are doing and in the people around you.

   2. I advise judges, legislators, and other VIPs and I always have an authentic manner because I believe in my work and in what I have to say. I don’t trust people who come across as calculated or stylized.

      1. How wonderful for you!

      2. Same.

      3. Same, it also reads as junior to be formal and stylized.

         1. I’m the OP, and I meant those words to describe things like grooming, clothing, written documents, having a tightly prepared presentation for a client, etc. I don’t think my general demeanor comes off as overly stylized, but I certainly make efforts to act as someone who you might think is worth my billing rate.

            I very much want to be professional in this new role, too, but “professional” means something much less formal.

   3. Who are you outside of work on a Saturday or Sunday when you’re relaxed and chatting with a neighbor or hanging out with a friend? How do you dress and present yourself there? Be more of that person. In fact, be as much of that person as you can, without crossing boundaries.

   4. Let your guard down and remember that the people you’re working with are your partners, not your adversaries. Your demeanor needs to be relaxed even when you’re presenting information. Dress professionally without being stuffy or buttoned up.

      1. I think how you dress could be a piece of this. I imagine that someone who works with boards and executives is wearing lovely, probably expensive, super tailored, clothing; everything very polished. I think relaxing your clothing by a level or two could be helpful. I am thinking of Michelle Obama wearing J Crew instead of St. John or whatever we sterotype a First Lady’s clothing to be – she still looked polished and intentional when she selected J Crew type clothing but also much closer to regular people.

   5. Don’t be a pompous, adversarial jerk?

   6. take your dress cues from the people in the office around you; one friend i had who went from a big firm to an in-house role for creatives said she always had to remember to keep her suit jacket off

      smile more and give the reasoning but in the shortest, easiest to understand chunks. boards and executives are concerned with CYA and making the best choice for the company that also advances their career. parents and their kids just want to make the right choice.

   7. Make friendly eye contact, give the people you are interacting with the courtesy of your full focus and attention, show interest in others and in what is important to them, genuinely care about them as individuals. Don’t patronize or be dismissive, don’t be standoffish, aloof, or condescending.

   8. My biggest tip is to not give advice or your opinion immediately. Stephen Covey’s old, “Listen to understand” not to reply. Most lawyers develop a habit of pushing their opinion, what they would do, or asking pointed (not curious) questions in a way that leads to the lawyer giving advice. That specific attorney-in-advisory capacity is generally one-sided, way too strong for other less legal environments.

      1. This is fantastic advice; thank you.

   9. If you communicate with them at all in email, dial back the written formality and write in a conversational way.

      I’m in a casual industry and when I get Very Formal emails, it is noticeable and can be off putting. No jargon, nothing that sounds like it came out of a Chat GPT “make this sound professional” edit.

      1. +1
         and don’t forget the power of well-placed “!”

   10. I’m a lawyer that recently moved to a non-lawyer role. One big item is that you don’t need to have an opinion or answer on everything. Lawyers are trained as experts, who are hired to have the answer to the client’s problem. In non-legal settings this can come off as rigid or uncollaborative. Be open to many options. Give pros and cons. Admit when you don’t feel strongly about something or don’t have an opinion. Ask curious questions.

   11. Generally softening your language and explaining it as plainly as possible, using more analogies, and metaphors, etc. helps.

       Also not wearing a “professional mask”. My perception of most lawyers is that they put on their “lawyer costume” when they go to work, where they’re very serious, always on the lookout for all the risk, and generally quite brusque.

       But if you’re normally more relaxed, then just don’t put on your full “lawyer costume” in your new role. If you’d normally feel more comfortable in jeans vs. a full suit, wear dressy jeans. If you’d normally prefer not to wear a full face of makeup, then just wear the basics, etc.

       And participate in the “non-professional” things. I work in tech, so the bar for professionalism is on the floor. But if the whole team goes out and sings karaoke, join in on a group number. If everyone is drinking beer, don’t insist on a fancy cocktail (I hate beer, so I drink wine, but my overall choice matches the group). If everyone wants to walk, don’t be the only person who takes a Lyft (unless you physically can’t walk, of course, but again, it’s about matching the overall vibe of the group).

       1. This is really helpful; thank you.

   12. I am a former investment banker who made a similar transition. Despite the snark below, it is real. We spent years being trained specific ways to communicate, act, and get things done that conveyed credibility in our prior jobs but can risk distrust in our new ones. It is a transition for sure. I use ChatGPT to simplify most of my written communications (“make this sound more casual”). Default to Teams messages or video chats rather than emails. I actively replace words in my writing with the most basic alternative even if my natural voice would use a more “sophisticated” word. Obviously you’re going to listen to your new peers and constituencies, but also relay that you’re doing that in your approach (ie not just “we decided the best path is X” but “after hearing from the kids impacted, X is what we recommend”). Annoyingly, my org is incapable of making decisions over emails which drives me nuts that we need a meeting for everything even if it can clearly be broken out in text and doesn’t have weird dependencies, but try to figure out what your company is like and adjust to it. To be honest, I hate the behavior change. I feel like I’m faking being more folksy, but people seem to buy it so I guess it’s fine.

4. Any advice? I applied for my boss’s position after she left, and was told last week that I didn’t get it – they hired an external candidate. This was the first time in my career that I’ve applied for an internal position, and I’m having trouble getting over it. My whole team knew, because gossip, and I feel really embarrassed that they all know I applied and didn’t get it. I’m feeling really discouraged and like I have no motivation for anything. I don’t really want to leave – I love the work we’re doing – but I just feel so meh, and like I want to hide my face all the time. I don’t really know what I’m asking for…ugh.

   1. I’ve never been there and have no advice, but hugs.

   2. big hugs, that sucks. your team will look to you to see how to react to the new boss so you’ll have to think about setting a great example. it’s a lot, i’m sorry.

   3. Been there my friend! In my case, I was able to not take it super personally as I was one of two internal candidates, and by far the one less likely to get picked. They ignored my very qualified colleague and hired someone external, which made me feel like it wasn’t really about us or our skills; they wanted someone external for other reasons. I realize your situation is different, but I think what is applicable is that there are a lot of reasons someone gets hired, some of which are completely beyond your control. Give it a few months before making any decisions unless a fabulous opportunity drops in your lap.

   4. I’ve been there, and I totally get how you’re feeling. Years ago, a coworker and I both applied for a promotion. In the end, neither of us got it. I actually think I might have been selected if he hadn’t also applied, but the optics of choosing me over him wouldn’t have looked great, so they went with someone external. It was tough. I felt embarrassed, discouraged, and very aware that everyone knew I’d gone for it and didn’t get it.

      When the new boss came in, I made a really conscious decision to keep a positive attitude and do everything I could to support the transition. I worked hard to become their go-to person. My coworker went the opposite direction. He pretty much checked out and made the new boss’s job harder.

      It definitely wasn’t easy. I had to swallow a lot of pride and remind myself why I liked the work in the first place. But my new boss turned out to be someone I could respect, and over time, he really saw the value I brought. Eventually, he recommended me for a much better role at another organization where he was on the board. He’s still a mentor and supporter years later. My coworker ended up leaving the organization within six months.

      All that to say, you’re allowed to feel disappointed and frustrated, but you never know what doors this could open in the long run.

   5. That’s so so hard. Some of the details matter – like, is this person significantly more experienced than you? Do they have a fundamentally different experience? Have they been a manager and you have not? The more “different” the person is from you the less personally I would take it. If it’s hard to figure out why they chose the other person, then yes, I would consider job hunting as/if circumstances allow.

   6. That’s very challenging. A few thoughts:

      1. Presumably you liked your job and were happy to do it before your boss left and this position opened up. (If not, the problems are larger.) Nothing has changed from that perspective. So remind yourself what made it something you liked in the first place.

      2. A good reminder in many environments, but no one is spending much time thinking about you. Barely a fraction of the time you spend thinking about you. In a week or so, all of the gossip will be about the new boss and you can go right back to normal with your colleagues. To drive this home, ask yourself how you would be thinking about a peer who had applied and not gotten the role. Most likely, you wouldn’t be thinking about it at all, and if you were, it would be casually sympathetic.

      3. The organization will be watching how you react to the new boss to assess whether you have leadership capabilities for the future. Show them that the next time an interesting role comes up, you would be a good choice.

      Good luck.

      1. This response is pure gold.

      2. Agree with every word of this. It may not be your time now, but it could still be coming.

         1. I was on the losing side of “not my time” and the person they hired was truly lovely and I supported her in every way. Unfortunately she had a health crisis less than a year into the role and I got the nod to fill her shoes (with her enthusiastic recommendation.)

            All the empathy on your current feelings. It’s tough to swallow.

   7. It’s perfectly normal to feel disappointed, and take a little time to process. If you have decent colleagues they will be supportive and not think any lesser of you.

   8. I’m sorry – I think how you’re feeling is only natural!

      in my experience it seems like orgs often have a strong sense of wanting to hire externally or internally before anyone applies. Like they either have someone(s) in mind OR they want that different experience/outside perspective, etc.

      Agree w/ others that going into it with an open mind – becoming new boss’ go-to, not their adversary – is key.

   9. Plan to leave. The new boss will be suspicious of anyone who applied and didn’t get it. I’ve never seen it work out for the person who didn’t get the role.

      1. This has not been my experience; my new boss didn’t even know I applied until I mentioned it. At least wait and see.

      2. This response is way off base. OP’s scenario happens all the time and everyone moves on.

      3. Also disagree. New boss will be looking for who is a strong, capable performer to help them accomplish their goals. Most good managers are not going to self-sabotage by getting rid of good people

      4. I don’t think that’s necessarily true at all. Hasn’t been my personal experience, at least.

      5. Yep. This is my experience too.

      6. As I wrote in more detail above, this was not my experience at all. I’ve also been in the position of working closely with someone who applied for my role, and I have gone out of my way to give them opportunities when they were a good fit.

      7. oof, I have come in as an extra hire and also been promoted internally when I knew other colleagues applied for the same role. if the new boss is suspicious of people who also applied for the role, “plan to leave” is decent advice, because that boss has some character flaws that might make it a difficult work environment. but it’s worth seeing how he/she acts, first! If you otherwise like your job and new boss comes in curious, respectful, and eager to work collaboratively with everyone, leaving seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

   10. I’m sorry. I’ve been there, and it sucked and it was mildly embarrassing. I was also turned down for a unicorn type of external candidate, which made it feel a little bit better, but I was also a bit steamed that I had been working toward this particular role for years only to be overlooked by someone who had a name brand behind her.

       In the end, it has been okay. My role evolved a bit, and the new person came to trust me and we have a good working relationship. If she leaves, I don’t think I’d try for that position again, though. I would probably need to move on. (There are not many positions like it so I’ve pretty much decided that’s no longer my career path.)

   11. I was in a similar-ish situation where I applied for my boss’ role and didn’t get it. Everyone knew I’d applied because I had to do a group interview with them, and it sucked to have them know they chose someone else. In my case, I allowed myself to wallow at home and mildly phoned it in at work for a bit (nothing major, just wasn’t trying to go above and beyond) and I was able to mostly get past it. I didn’t love the work I was doing though. I believed in the mission of the company and saw a lot of room for improvement with our efficiency and processes. The external candidate they picked ended up being very rah-rah for a tech-ish role and that encouraged me to start looking elsewhere. I’m much happier where I’ve landed and have had more room for growth.

   12. Thanks, everyone – I appreciate the support and advice!

   13. My former boss had to apply for a promotion multiple times before he finally got it after being turned down for external candidates. Everyone talked about it like, “This organization sucks” kind of way and were sympathetic.

5. Anyone have a recommendation for a whole coffee bean subscription that they love? I’ve really upped my home coffee setup and I want to start exploring various beans and roasters.

   1. I’ve been using beanz.com for several years now and have no complaints. The beans are always delivered within a few days of being roasted and I enjoy trying all the different roasters. It’s very easy to set your delivery preferences and include the types of flavor notes you like (and can always be adjusted). I found the prices to be comparable to buying directly from the various roasters, but I like the variety.

   2. I’m not a huge coffee afficianado, but I like Keats and CO’s mission, and the coffee is good enough for me.

      1. We also get Keats and CO, I like that it shows up at our house, and they’ve been really responsive when we switched our blend!

   3. We love Verena Street.

6. do you think there’s an element of endurance to doing your job or thinking creatively? by this time every day i just feel like i’m wiped. i feel like when i was in my 20s and just out of grad school my brain endurance was a lot better.

   1. I used to have way better attention span back then, which then makes my job harder. I don’t think it’s age as much as bad phone habits for me, and I’m working on it.

   2. Yes – would recommend checking out Cal Newport’s work. He basically says you have a finite amount of deep work you can do every day, and more isn’t better.

   3. I don’t think I ever did great deep work for 8 hours a day. Usually work in spurts with periods of distraction. I use the pomodoro method to stay on track in the morning when I can be my most productive.

   4. Absolutely. It was striking when I started noticing this much younger than I had expected.

7. question i haven’t seen discussed anywhere re the severance finale (spoilers):

   when they said the goat was going to guide “a cherished female to her place beside keir,” were they talking about gemma (i think that’s the obvious answer) or helly/helena? the father told her she was a disappointment in one of the last episodes, didn’t he?

   1. I assumed they were talking about Gemma, given Harmony Korbel’s comments about not needing her anymore.

      And as much as the father said Hellie is a disappointment, there’s no way they’re killing her quietly, given how public her role seems to be.

      What I want to know is what the plan is for Hellie and Mark!?! Like HOW did he not go with Gemma!?! I get that the whole point is to raise questions about identity and what makes a person themselves, but I was STRUGGLING with that finale choice!!

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