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Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Millie Embroidered Cardigan

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A woman wearing a gray cardigan with red and white flowers, with gray jeans

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Now that Labor Day is behind us, the only thing I want to add to my cart is cozy sweaters. This floral cardigan from Rails looks luxe but still comfy enough for a long, chilly day in the office.

I would pair it with a white oxford and navy trousers for a business casual look. 

The sweater is $248 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS-2X. 

Sales of note for 9/25:

  • Boden – Up to 50% off sale + extra 15% off (I'm trying to figure out which color(s) of this sweater I should order…)
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off the weekend collection and extra 50% off sale section
  • Anthropologie – Extra 50% off sale!
  • Athleta – Lots marked down to 40% off; with an Athleta card you get an extra 20% off.
  • AYR – Archive sale, up to 60% off
  • CVS – Epic beauty sale
  • J.Crew – Fall styles start at $39
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off new arrivals, extra 20% off orders $125+
  • Nordstrom – over 9800 new markdowns
  • M.M.LaFleur – Labor Day Sale Event, save sitewide! (Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
  • Nordstrom Rack – Extra 40% off select clearance
  • Talbots – 40% off one item, 30% off everything else
  • Theory – End of season sale is on!

220 Comments

  1. Schedule your flu shots, everyone! Just recovering from the flu last week and had to use my long weekend to rest…

    1. Ugh, feel better! My doctor recommends getting them in early October but I plan to mask for my flights coming up before then.

      Sidebar, is CVS doing new Covid vaccines for anyone yet?

    3. Flu shots are great but if you get one now, you will be fending off the past year’s strain..

    4. Yes, I was thinking of getting mine in the first week of October (NJ geography). What are others hearing about timing?

    5. Covid shots too! Do them both the same day, if you think you will forget.

      I just had a rough bout of Covid, which has lingered into 3 weeks and went through my vacation. No fun having to wear masks and social distancing during vacation, and feeling like crap. I picked it up at a big party.

      1. Ugh, yes – my friend’s husband just came down with Covid late last week, so their whole holiday weekend was just watching movies and napping. He got it at a concert.

      2. Recommending this page for up to date county-level wastewater data. Note that the CDC has again downgraded their levels in the state-level map (I.e. what was high levels now is shown as moderate…)

        Pmc19.com is my go to source for assessing the local level, not statewide aggregate data.

  2. I don’t mind paying $248 for a sweater. I very much mind paying $248 for a sweater made of acrylic, nylon, and a little itchy wool.

    2. I don’t understand Rails. This is their whole business model. Nothing is particularly good quality, unique or stylish. It’s just Expensive for No Reason.

      1. I got a sweater from Rails at the Nordstrom anniversary sale a couple years ago. It’s a cotton and cashmere blend, very comfortable and one of my favorites. It seems all of there more recent sweaters (even the exact same style) are cotton/polyester blends now for the same price or more. Very disappointing.

    3. So expensive for poor quality! I too will spend money on nice things but this is not it.

    4. That’s honestly how I’m feeling about most products these days. I can’t remember the last time I bought something that felt like a fair price for good quality. Going back to that moldy food thread, yet another thing of organic blueberries from Whole Paycheck was hiding moldy ones in the middle over the weekend. The new fridge we had to buy in a rush but made time to read reviews and ratings for is very meh. It’s just…a lot.

    5. There are so many crappy sweaters available at high prices, IMO. These blends look good for only a season, if you’re lucky.

      1. I didn’t realize this at first since I have an all acrylic sweater I’ve had for ages (though it’s not a soft or fuzzy knit), and high nylon content leggings that lasted ages, but somehow some of these multi-synthetic blend knights look like crap after the first time they’re washed. So much pilling.

        1. I basically never wash stuff like this. If I’m sitting in an office all day, it doesn’t need to be washed.

    6. I got a lovely embroidered cashmere cardigan from Bloomingdale’s last year for about half that price. It is 100% cashmere. It’s not great cashmere, but it’s better than the Nordstrom house brand and also better than Macy’s Charter Club brand (which I think isn’t terrible).

    7. Honestly I don’t even know why Kay would support such bad businesses by featuring a $248 acrylic sweater…

    8. Yup! Really having to check fabric details this season. For example, Boden has a lot of polyamide in some of their expensive wool items.

  3. going to a conference. 3 days two nights. I’m not presenting or anything but going w my boss and some people so want to look ok, have to go carryon. Have a jump suit i wear with a black blazer and a navy suit. want a dress that i can wear with the same basic single breasted black blazer over with either flats or low heels. ideally would like to be able to fly in it, not too expensive. taking suggestions! i’m 51 and probably a size 8. no one in the group is well dressed doesn’t need to be spendy. suggestions!?

    2. I have the Marla seamed Ottoman seamed dress from Boden, and it’s very comfortable. $99.
      I struggle with how to accessorize it but if you’re planning to throw a blazer over it, that will fix that issue.

    3. No specific suggestions, but check Nordstrom Rack for a basic short sleeve dress. I’ve seen a number of them featured here. Skip the recent post on this page with ruffles, but something basic along those lines in a flattering color.

      1. Thank you for the reminder that Nordstrom
        Rack exists. I was going to post a similar request because that store didn’t even occur to me!

  4. How do you accept that you can’t be prepared for everything? And how have you learned to work through it when the unexpected hits?

      1. +1
        Best way to learn risk analysis and management skills, assuming you have someone with you to make sure you don’t actually kill yourself if you analyze wrong.

        1. Right? Lol. I feel a little bad for those Shasta climbers but also, come on. Use your brain cells.

    2. This is my tendency, and it’s taken some work and experience to fight against it. Sometimes, I almost have to make fun of myself a bit: Oh, congratulations girl, you are a HUMAN who simply can’t know everything!

      When it happens, I have to take some deep, cleansing breaths and figure out what to do next. I don’t need to have the whole plan. I need to have the next step and go from there.

    3. I think the answer depends on what level of stress/worry you are causing yourself. Doing an appropriate amount of planning (planning for vacations by saving money and making reservations, making a will, creating a mitigation plan at work for if something is late, etc) makes me less stressed and makes me more adaptable when something unexpected hits. Example: basic plans for a vacation allows me to easily shift things around if its raining without stress.
      But, in reality my mentality about plans and working through the unexpected totally shifted after my mom got cancer and passed away two years later. Plans that make things better for people are good, but don’t plan for a future that may not come. Take the trip/do the thing while you can and nurture all the relationships with the people you care about.

    4. I accept that being “prepared for everything” is an impossible goal. I recognize that preparing for things that are not reasonable likely has an opportunity cost. I don’t blame myself when reasonably unlikely things occur. I trust in my ability to pivot, manage and make good decisions in real time.

      1. +1. We once had a severe family crisis and my husband wanted to game out all these different scenarios and prep for contingencies – fair enough (we were all panicking) but I realized that we didn’t need to do that. We needed to take a moment to eat, have a breather, and get some sleep. We could actually just rely on ourselves to handle the path that ultimately presented itself, once it actually happened.

    6. Get certified in CPR.

      Look up what basic emergency and disaster preparedness plans are recommended for households in your location, and work through them. Not to freak out and try to account for every possible contingency, but so you can rest assured that you can handle the basics if needed (i.e., a go bag if you are in a flood plain, winter supplies for your car if you are in a blizzard prone region, post evacuation plan if you live in a hurricane or wildfire area, etc.).

    7. I don’t find that the unexpected hits all that often. It’s usually that I knew there was a risk and then drew the short straw. What I need to do more is actually plan around the risk I took, instead of thinking “well I hope this goes well!” and then finding out the hard way that it didn’t.

      1. I’m never sure what lesson to learn from crashing and burning though. Things can be so, so much worse than anticipated!

  5. I’m 46 and have a small belly for the first time in my life. The peri weight shift is real. I have not gained weight but it’s redistributing, and I hate it. Over the weekend, I tried on a crewneck sweater that I would’ve bought without a second thought a year or two ago. This time, I hated how it looked. The arms, shoulders, chest, length — all great. And nothing was cropped, hallelujah. But I could see the outline of softness in my torso. This is happening more all the time, and it’s bumming me out more than it should. I enjoy classic fits and oversized has never been my vibe. If I sized up, I don’t think it would look right. Are any other people really struggling to figure out how to dress themselves these days? I do not feel good in my body but still believe that I deserve to feel good in my clothing.

      1. I kind of despise that this is the purported solution for everything. Good for everyone that is having success on this med, but for a number of reasons, not something I’m willing to do without my doctor’s OK.

        1. Agree. The immediate push toward a GLP1 is gross. I’m good with not having an eating disorder in a pill or shot. I also don’t want more severe bone loss issues later.

          2. “Get a life” is pretty rich coming from the person who has made it her mission to push GLP-1s on people who are clearly not asking about them, and is *this* sensitive to getting even mild push back about them.

          1. Trust me, you will hate the results of bone loss. You will look ugly, hunched, and ancient.

          2. It’s a choice to be malnourished while losing weight; there is always a way to get needed nutrition. There’s also no form of weight loss that can’t lead to some bone loss, including via exercise, but it’s still overall healthier including for bones and joints to be lighter (though yes we need to compensate with weight bearing exercises).

          3. I’m not pushing glp1 for this, but a friend who is not fat went on it to lose her menopause belly. It took a year.

        3. +1. It’s ridiculous that commenters immediately say a GLP-1 is the answer. What OP needs is advice on how to accept natural aging and recommendations for flattering silhouettes.

          1. To me the solution is different if that squishiness is from muscle loss vs. if it is from insulin resistance.

            If something going amiss is treatable, it doesn’t matter a lot to me whether it happens when we’re 20 or 40 or 60, even if the odds are higher the older we get.

        1. Correct. OP here. I’ve been a pear shape my entire life. Now I’m a pear that is turning into a bit of an apple. Is it any wonder I’m having trouble with figuring out what looks good at this stage in my life?

          I really don’t need the loss of muscle mass and issues with bone density that can come with GLP use. There’s enough family history of osteo issues to begin with. I truly believe these drugs are a miracle for individuals who are struggling with obesity. I am, at most, 10 pounds overweight. My doctor is basically, lose weight if you want to for vanity, but I am not concerned about your health and wellbeing.

          Please stop with the GLP promotion unless someone is asking for that.

          1. Well then stop asking for advice about things if you don’t like the answers. These conversations are like saying I have wrinkles in my forehead, what cream works when the answer is none, if you want to solve that get Botox. If you don’t want to solve it, get a therapist.

          2. Are you even 10 pounds overweight, or just 10 pounds more than you’d like to be? I’m in the second category, firmly in the normal weight/BMI zone, and definitely not “overweight” by any measure. I won’t take drugs for that.

          3. I asked for advice on clothing silhouettes and self acceptance. Not GLP-1s. Should’ve known that this board was the wrong place for that.

          4. There are specific health risks associated with apple pattern weight gain. It sounds like you just don’t want to know about them.

        2. Again you people have no idea how these work, I take it for this exact reason. If you have belly fat, you have weight to lose and it solves the peri shift to the middle.

          2. Hey so I have friends and acquaintances who take them. They have mostly lost weight but they now look frail and have zero muscle tone. Glad you have no belly fat anymore but you immediately aged yourself at least 10-20 years.

          3. Hey, congrats you lost belly fat but I am sure you aged yourself immediately 10-20 years. The vast majority of people I see on a GLP1 look frail and not fit. Just unhealthy. Easy to spot.

          5. It sounds like you’re spotting the people you can spot, which is completely circular. It’s like people who rail against Botox because they can spot poor outcomes, while remaining totally unaware that people who look fine to them got it too.

          6. Nope. I am tired of it being pushed on everyone (mostly women of a certain income) as The Best Thing Ever! The marketing push is predatory.

    5. This is a good example of not being prepared for everything (see thread above). We’re going to change as we age. We can stave it off (for a bit) with drugs and surgery, but ultimately those are obvious bandaids and the results are unnatural and unattractive. Acceptance (maybe through therapy?) is the way to go. That doesn’t mean not to exercise and eat right, but don’t expect to look like you did in your 20s when you’re in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s.

      1. OP here, and I agree that you’re right. I am NOT surprised that my body has changed. I’m officially middle aged and no longer young. What has surprised me is how bad I feel about it? I eat well and I exercise regularly. I know myself, and I am not willing to go to extreme lengths to change things on an aesthetic level. It’s definitely as much of an emotional issue as a physical one! My mom has basically starved herself for the past 25 years to maintain her figure, so it’s triggering on a number of levels. I can’t really look to her as an example of how to age.

        1. Commiseration. My best friend starves herself and calls me every time she gains a pound. It’s terrifying to me that she lives like that.

        2. I can commiserate with you on this! I work with women in their 50s and up. One thing I’ve learned is it’s not permanent. One coworker said to me she no longer wears pants to get around it (just dresses and skirts). Another leans into shape wear. I think drawing the eye up with bold jewelry is nice. I am starting to focus more on my accessories making an impact and keeping my clothes streamlined and leaning into the column of color look.

          1. Thank you for giving some real, actionable advice! I am a big fan of the column of color look, and maybe this is my moment to invest in more jewelry, ha.

          3. 11:50, just because you are hung up on proselytizing to everyone about your glp cult, that doesn’t mean you are providing good or even relevant advice.

          4. Anon, what are you trying to prove? Why do you care if some stranger isn’t interested in your unsolicited pushing of GLP-1s? It’s really weird. You’ve moved way past displaying any concern for the people you’re harassing (if you ever did), you are just obsessed with brow-beating people into taking GLP-1s and insulting them and implying they are stupid, keeping their head in the sand, or harming their bodies if they don’t immediately acquiesce to your ground-breaking and novel ideas. It’s really inappropriate. Whatever is motivating this deranged behavior of yours, please deal with it elsewhere. Perhaps you’re insecure about your decision to take them? This seems like something that you should explore with a therapist.

      2. I personally want the long term better health outcomes that come with medical interventions, even if it’s less natural to live longer in less pain, with lower cancer risk, healthier cardiovascular function, my original teeth, etc. Beyond exercising and eating right, I’m going to get my vaccines, take genuinely indicated medications if they’re beneficial for me, and keep all my check ups.

        1. GLP-1 is not genuinely indicated for people who are not obese and don’t have diabetes.

    6. I think the answer is trying on different brands. Higher waist pants help me but you may have to try on a bunch first. I think changing the bottom is easier than changing the top short of adding another layer.

    7. Been there for sure! What has helped is pilates. It legnthens your muscles.
      I do old school utubes by Mari Windsor and Ana Caban.
      If you have never done pilates I reccomend taking a few classes to learn form.

      1. I went through this and had to change brands I was purchasing from. But it’s really no big deal, you will find some great options.

    8. This happened to me recently and now I wear different shapes. My dresses are midi length fit and flare instead of sheath / shift dresses. My pants are high-waisted and wider leg instead of straight leg.

      I look good again but I had to completely change the types of clothes I wear. I recommend nuuly to try out different types of outfits without a big commitment.

    9. Get a darker color or pattern if you haven’t already – it can make a big difference in how things look.

    10. For apples, I think you have to mentally give yourself some acceptance. Also, maybe you’re being hard on yourself, and should consider if you even have enough of a change for other to notice.

      I would try on some looser, if not oversized options. I wonder if you’re overstating what is classic and tend to buy fitted. I personally never tuck in shirts to my pants as an apple. I look for things like sweater t-shirts that look fine untucked, have a little structure to them, and have just a little give. Double check the state of your bras… are they newer and fitted? Having some lift up top will distribute the fabric better. Avoid clingy fabrics. I don’t mess with shapewear as it is uncomfortable. A higher waisted pant (not necessarily high waisted) that hits around your belly will naturally pull you in a little. Combined with a non-fitted shirt, and you shouldn’t even notice an apple shape. For summer, bring the eye to the legs!

      A lot of us wore only tight or fitted clothes in our youth, and it’s a readjustment to try stepping back from that. After having kids, it was really helpful to go shopping at a big department store or Nordstrom Rack to try on 10-15 types of one clothing type (jeans, dresses). Spending concentrated in person time helped me figure out what I felt confident in and what looked good. For dresses, I look for a little A-line/fit and flare, even if it’s not trendy. Fitted shifts and midi dresses with flats do me no favors, but a looser fit can work

      1. I don’t agree that shapewear is uncomfortable. It actually helps me out in some scenarios (like long car rides in modern car seats whose whiplash prevention leaves my back poorly supported).

    11. I’m not sure this is helpful so late but it’s my understanding that you’re not a pear turning into an apple. If your hips are still wider than your shoulders, you’re still a pear. You just grew a tummy, but you’ll be unsatisfied with the advice that someone like me, a true apple whose hips are visibly narrower than her shoulders, follows to find balance in a silhouette. You can hide a tummy with column of color and French tuck with a belt peeking out, a third piece or woven that sits away from the body. But you’ll still need to add some volume around your top half to create balance because tummy or not you’re still a pear.

      If your hips were always wider or equal to your shoulders and you just tended to gain weight in your lower body or if you just had a high waist so you thought you were a pear, then I’d reconsider. The above tummy hiding tricks work but you can adopt some apple guidance. For me,
      a true apple, personally the volume is always in my lower half. That means fullers skirts on my dresses and bring on the wide leg pants, barrel legs and any pants with a good pattern or bold color. Good luck!

    12. If it helps at all, I read your first sentence to mean you have a small belly (vs a large belly). I couldn’t understand why the rest of your comment seemed to lament that fact!

  6. A friend’s wife, a federal employee, is having problems getting her reasonable accommodation request granted. She submitted an informal claim with the EEOC and they’ve responded with some questions. They wonder whether she should get an attorney.

    Does anyone have any recs for attorneys specializing in this issue? Thanks very much in advance!

    1. As a fed… good luck. I’ve had many coworkers have their very needed, reasonable RAs be denied in the past year plus.

  7. I had this sweater when I was 6. Hartstrings made it. I’m having a hard time seeing this as a sweater for adults.

    2. I think that’s the fun. I’m totally embracing wearing versions of clothing my 4-year-old self looked adorable in–there are no rules!

  8. Looking for a gift recommendation please. My friend is choosing to move back to the town her parents live in, and provide care, while they are having some health issues. What would be a nice gift to help her ease into this very big life transition?

    1. DoorDash gift card (as long as the restaurants in the town work with DoorDash – you can check the website to verify)

    2. Some cozy at-home “self-care” (I hate that phrase, but it communicates what I mean here) items. Think: Snuggly new robe, Barefoot Dreams socks, giant water bottle, some nice teas or coffees, a beautiful new throw, satin eye shades, an adult coloring book and high-end markers.

    3. I think anything you send will be appreciated. I just add to keep checking in with her – I moved for my soon-to-be ex husband and immediately felt so isolated and like I never could get back to my “real” life. Helping her feel like she is not so alone will be huge.

    5. I have sent food gifts from a Spoonful of Comfort abd Zingerman’s and they have been well received.

      1. When my mom was on hospice and people asked what they could do, we asked for spoonful of comfort. The soups are great and can be frozen!

    6. There is a lot of waiting in care-taking. In hospitals, in doctors’ offices, waiting for medical tests. Door dash or Uber eats are appreciated. Something I’d have appreciated is then Kindle/Amazon credit or fun magazines (if you know what your friend enjoys) would have been much appreciated. Starbucks or hospital coffee stand gift cards also would have been used. Hospitals are cold, so a nice soft cuddly wrap? If she doesn’t have already, a good tote bag or backpack and a good travel beverage container were also frequently used.

      1. Care-taking is also very lonely and isolating. I appreciated any and every time a friend from ‘outside’ send me a caring text. Don’t demand an update, but do indicate you are thinking about her and that you care.

        I did not want to talk in real time or deal with phone calls, but YMMV.

  9. Any recommendations for a seat cushion that provides back and hip support? I’m not very far along in my pregnancy but my office chair is already uncomfortable. If anyone has a recommendation for a petite-friendly office chair under $600 I’ll take that as well.

    1. I’m 5’2″, and my Steelcase Series 1 served me well during pregnancy (as well as before and after).

    2. Might just be my experience, but hip support is actually the last thing I need in pregnancy. I need something that gives me more mobility, and the “supportive” seats tend to only work for one specific body positioning, maybe 2. There’s a reason that sitting on a yoga ball is so recommended for pregnancy, and that helps on the hips front. I also use a small exercise ball with just a few puffs of air as a seat cushion for normal seats so I can shift my hips around as needed. And I just use a pillow or folded up blanket to get the back support exactly where I need it.

    3. I found it helpful to sit on an exercise ball. Sometimes in a chair I would put a yoga block between my knees because I had trouble not crossing my legs, which would ultimately make me feel worse. Also big recommendation to do a prenatal-focused strength training program. It can really help as you get further along.

  10. With few exceptions (undergarments, bathing suits, some socks), I buy all my clothing, shoes, anccessories, and furniture second hand. I’d like to expand this to other household items I’d otherwise get at Amazon or a HomeGoods type store.

    I mostly get clothes on Depop, do you have recs on any online sources for these purchases?

    1. FB marketplace! My most prized purchase is a Peugeot salt and pepper grinder set for $40. Retail they’re over 100 each. Some guy was selling all the ‘fancy’ things he was begrudgingly gifted. Enjoy your boxed salt dude.

    3. Facebook marketplace. Sometimes local consignment stores will list a few items there, and many of those types of stores will post pics of their current inventory on their fb pages. You can also try auction zip – very location and auction dependent, but you can sometimes view items and place bids online.

      1. Are there buy nothing groups outside of Facebook? I don’t use FB, but I’d really like to get stuff to people via buy nothing groups. Google hasnt helped me find anything.

        1. Ask around to see if your neighborhood has an email listserv. Or check Nextdoor, though it’s really hit or miss by neighborhood.

        2. Local public libraries can be a fantastic resource, either for finding out about groups in your area, or even for borrowing things other than books. Ours has a table where you can swap seeds in the spring, produce in the summer and fall, and you can check out tools, outdoor games, indoor games, camping gear, all kinds of stuff.

    7. I would love to try a year of buying nothing. I’ve been meaning to try but love things. All things.

  11. Any tips for successfully identifying and filling gaps in your wardrobe? Is the answer a wardrobe consultant? I feel like I have so many clothes but fewer outfits I can put together with a full current look. For example maybe top and bottom are great but the shoes or bag I think go with it look outdated or are the wrong fabric/color. What are your key wardrobe pieces that help fill in on times like that (do these unicorn items exist?!)

    1. Shoes and bags matter. I find that rather than feeling pressured to buy “forever” pieces or just ignoring them and using what I have, investing in reasonably current versions of what I already carry goes a long way. My style improved when I moved away from just buying one high quality piece to buying some current midrange pieces. For summer I had a pink and brown tote, for spring a cream colored hobo that went with my pastels. I’ll buy a new bag for fall.

      someone will chime in to say trends don’t matter, all current fashion is hideous and their their 100% thrifted all natural fiber high quality wardrobe is so perfect that strangers are clamoring for their fashion advice.
      Good for them. But that just hasn’t been my experience. I love the idea of a timeless wardrobe but in reality I want shoes and bags that are in good shape and work with current clothes. I still have an extremely small wardrobe compared to most people.

      1. I think you’re onto something with shoes + bag. I have noticed that even older pieces can look different and more current when they’re accompanied by more trendy footwear. My personal style can be kind of boring (just owning it), and cute shoes help make basic outfits look more stylish.

    2. Honestly, before hiring someone I’d invite a friend over for a glass of wine and her input.

      I honestly don’t wear a ton of accessories, so not helpful there but some accessories that look current to me: chocolate brown suede purse, oversized denim jacket, barn jacket, tan or chocolate suede jacket/blazer, leather blazer.

      I thrift almost everything I wear, which lets me cycle through clothes seasonally if I want. I buy something on ThreadUp/Poshmark, wear it as long as I want to (sometimes a few months, sometimes a few years… often 1-2 years as trends change) and then resell it. I purposely resell very cheap just to get the stuff out of my house. If it doesn’t sell within a season, I donate it. I used to automatically donate (I don’t care if I get $10 for a shirt I spent $12 on three years ago), but after learning so much of what is donated is trashed I feel that reselling is actually more ecofriendly.

      Basically the way others rent via Nuuly is how I thrift… except it’s way cheaper and I get to enjoy the clothes for longer :)

      1. Thank you! I did get a new brown suede purse and shoes for fall that I’m excited about. I’m still working on a new coat (I really like the anthro barn coat this year but am hesitating on the price). I think some more third pieces that actually go with what I own and maybe another fun clutch for dinners out would help.

    3. I don’t necessarily have hero pieces to suggest, but I do have a system for filling the gaps. Whenever I’m trying to put an outfit together and I’m unhappy with how something works, I’ll put it in a running list on my phone that I consult whenever I’m shopping. I also fall back on pieces that I know work for me, whether current or not, like a black 3/4 sleeve lightweight crewneck sweater that passes with all of my work pants and skirts.

      I also try to think about silhouette and proportion when I’m unhappy with how things go together. What is wrong with this blouse and these pants together? Is it the level of structure? Is it the length? Is it the fabric weight? Do I look like I’m drowning in my clothes, or conversely, that everything is too form-fitting? I add that information to the list, so instead of just saying “black work pants” the note will be “full-length wide-leg black work pants.”

      1. This is also what I do and it works, it just takes time.
        Also, besides identifying what is wrong, do the same exercise with the pieces you do love and feel great in.

    4. Identify what pieces you are not wearing and think about why that is. Do they not fit? Do they not match anything in your closet? Do they not work with your style?

      For things that you like in theory but just don’t work with your style, get rid of them. Life is to short to try to make fetch happen.

      For things that don’t fit (or that need minor repairs), address those issues so you can put the items in circulation.

      For everything else that you would wear but for X, make a list of what that missing piece is for each of the items. That list comprises your wardrobe gaps.

    5. A good stylist will teach you different ways to wear what you already have, and how to prioritize purchasing new items.

    6. My key wardrobe pieces are things like “white, low-profile sneakers,” “flat cognac sandals,” “denim jacket,” “green handbag,” “good gray t-shirt.” I reach for this stuff all the time as the glue that holds outfits together, and will replace them as needed. But because you have a whole different style and wardrobe needs from mine, your key pieces are going to be different from mine.

      You find your own version of “key wardrobe pieces” by doing some outfit work in your closet: Pull out the top and bottom that are great together, and then figure out what items are needed to make the whole outfit sing. Write those down. (Belt/ Shoes/ Bag? Scarf? Blazer? Lady jacket? bomber jacket?)

      Then pull out the next “almost” outfit and do the same thing.
      And the next one.
      Rinse and repeat.

      Are you starting to notice any themes on what you’re writing down? Are you missing “trendy flat casual shoes”? Are you missing “casual handbag in a warm neutral”? Are you missing, “long-sleeved navy blouse”? Then that starts to give you a buying list of what you need to turn all those clothing items into actual outfits.

  12. Criminal procedure question. I thought article VI and Ramos required that criminal convictions (ie, a guilty verdict) must be unanimous, not that a not guilty verdict must be unanimous. Why would a not guilty verdict have to be unanimous? Shouldn’t it be enough that one person thought you’re not guilty? Why should the state with near-infinite resources be able to repeatedly try an individual? Why doesn’t that violate the rule against double jeopardy?

      2. I haven’t originated any of the other Clancy trial posts so I don’t know what obsession you think you’re talking about. It’s a valid and timely question for a board of mostly lawyers. If you don’t want to talk about it then feel free to scroll on.

    2. Because that is the way the system works and the tradeoff for making the standard beyond a reasonable doubt.

      Do you really want rapists going free because one guy on the jury thinks that a woman in a short skirt or who accepted a drink was asking for it?

    3. There is a school of thought amongst criminal defense lawyers that a not guilty shouldn’t have to be unanimous because it shows at least one person had some doubt. That is not how the current system works. As for retrial, a hung jury is a classic reason for the court to find “manifest necessity” to allow retrial that does not violate double jeopardy. There is a lot of case law about the manifest necessity test and I think that is part of why Reddington was fighting so hard against the mistrial (both because he believed the hold-out would eventually acquiesce or be replaced–which I thought was highly unlikely–but also because consent of the defense to the mistrial is one of the exceptions to a double jeopardy bar on retrial.) It helps the defense to show under a manifest necessity analysis that the defense was not asking for the mistrial and did not want the mistrial.

  13. We would like to plan a trip to Japan next summer as our family’s big annual vacation. 2 adults, two teen boys (ages 16 and 13). We have traveled extensively to Europe, Mexico, and throughout the US, but Japan seems more daunting as none of us speak or read the language.

    Any suggestions on a travel agent who can help us plan (or if it is manageable to do ourselves). We’ve always planned everything on our own for our other trips, and prefer fairly high end accommodations. Would love recommendations for a 10 – 14 day itinerary for first timers. When is the best time to go given constraints on missing school so we have basically mid-June through mid-August as our available time.

    Thank you!

    1. It’s going to be hot and humid in the summer time. I recommend:

      * Sumo wrestling
      * Hokusai home town museum
      * Kannon sitting Buddha (largest sitting Buddha in Japan)
      * FOOD

      I had friends who put me up (and put up with me), so I didn’t have to stress over lodging. I have “restaurant” Japanese, and I learned the sign for Exit. I was able to navigate Tokyo completely on my own, as the maps and “Next Stop” signs are all in Hiragana, Kanji and Roman characters. A lot of people speak English, especially youth. Be aware that a woman should give up her seat for an elderly person. They drive on the left (like the UK), and stand left on the stairs. The public transport system is very short on elevators or escalators.

  14. I’m looking to calibrate my response to something. You’re in a short argument in public with a male relative, instigation probably fifty-fifty on an emotive personal matter but you’re now trying to de-escalate and he says ‘what’s happening now is you’re backing down because you know I’m bigger and more powerful and you’re intimidated’.

    Thoughts? Not so much on how you’d react in the moment but how you might hear that and what you might consider going forward.

    1. In that statement, I would hear that the exchange has become entirely unproductive. I would state that, and end the interaction.

    2. “Are you really threatening to resort to physical violence because your argument is not convincing enough on its own merits?”

      1. Right? I would just shake my head in disbelief and put him permanently on my sh!t list.

        1. Yeah, this is not someone I would willingly interact with again. Like, holy toxic manosphere acolyte, Batman.

      2. This! And stay away in the future. Hard to do with family, but that’s an awful dynamic.

      1. +1 I would take that as a threat, get out of there, and avoid the person going forward

    4. When I faced a similar dynamic with a bully of a male relative, I stopped seeing him and I told his spouse why. She was used to hearing it. It was a blessing when he died, sorry not sorry.

      1. Some people bring happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go. -Oscar Wilde

        1. Sadly, it was very true for him. He made everyone around him miserable and drove away all his family and friends. I could see glimmers of who he could have been if he had done the hard work to improve his outlook on life but he wasn’t interested in doing that. She has since remarried and is deliriously happy now, which makes me so happy too.

    5. Laugh and walk away. Maybe with a sarcastic, upbeat comment along the lines of:
      – you have a great day
      – bless your heart
      – never change
      – ok man
      – always a pleasure

      1. I wouldn’t laugh. I’d probably see how far he intended to go with that statement.

    6. “You’re right, I was trying to de-escalate because this is getting too heated. Lets take 10 minutes to breathe and rethink this.”

    9. You know how punctuation makes texts sound angry? I’d aim for that same flat/down tone: “Wow.”
      or
      “We’re done here.”
      orrrr in my ideal replay world, I’d have the self possession for:
      *Thoughtful, curious, scrutinizing look*
      “Hmmm, of you? … Nah, not really”

      2 caveats:
      I am way less “cut them off” than the average on this board, but I’d be okay with not having a relationship with this guy.
      Is your gut telling you he’s dangerous in the moment? Is he armed? It’s okay to flatter someone in the moment to get out of an immediate danger, just like if you were a hostage in a bank robbery or something. But yeah, that’s a person I’d never see again.

    10. if this was a close family member like a brother i’d circle back with him afterwards to let him know that saying something like that in an argument is unacceptable.

    2. This is SUCH an extreme overreaction to a normal response on a post – yes, a lot of people are using GLP-1s and having good results, so when someone asks about a problem that a GLP-1 helped for someone else, it’s normal and expected to see some responses suggesting them. I’m not personally on one, although I could see trying it in the future, and I am not at all bothered by those posts, nor have I EVER seen evidence of “clearly enjoying bullying other people,” which is just ludicrous.

      1. Nah, this resident troll is definitely overbearing in telling everyone to get on the GLP-1 train and then tossing around juvenile insults when people don’t fawn over their brilliant suggestion.

      2. It’s more that this poster for some reason will not accept that not everyone wants to be on one or that they aren’t the perfect solution in every case for every problem for every person. One of my close friends who actually is diabetic went on Ozempic under doctor supervision for several months and said it pretty much ruined his life while he was on it. So it is not always a magic solution.

        1. But I don’t want every response or suggestion to contain lengthy caveats like a pharmaceutical commercial. I’m an adult and can choose to ignore or look more deeply into a medical decision if it interests me.

          1. The point isn’t that this person needs to include pharmaceutical caveats, it’s that they are pushy and obnoxious with their preaching.

        2. To me, it’s no different than everyone suggesting that people are likely depressed and/or need therapy. It’s being held out as a cure-all. If you don’t agree, that’s awesome, move on.

      3. I am the person you’re responding to. There was a nesting fail- my comment is specifically in response to the person up thread who is browbeating people, including OP, for not falling all over themselves in gratitude for her “advice.” Reread the thread, because you missed it. This person is obsessed with shilling GLP-1s on every post (for weeks or months now) relating to body types, clothing advice, health, etc. and it’s getting really old.

        1. Then collapse it. That’s what I have to do with the posts that really annoy me, and trust me, there are many (college anxiety poster drives me batty). There is no other solution other than to collapse.

          1. I’m not the OP, but support the message. Scrolling by is fine, sometimes it’s also fine to put jerks on blast about their jerkishness.

          2. Agree. Collapse. There is a whole community of people on these life changing drugs and denigrating them and their choices is equally obnoxious.

          3. You can’t simply collapse them, because they’re everywhere on any thread related to bodies or clothes or weight and are typically not parent comments. The GLP-1 sales bot is not an OP.

            I have never denigrated the choice to take a GLP-1 and never would. Do not change the subject. I am pushing back against the person who continues to be pushy and, today, downright rude to the OP who told her in a very polite manner that she wasn’t interested in this advice.

      1. I think weight and GLP-1s are very triggering topics for a lot of women of this board. People get very, very aggressive.

    5. OP from the original question here. It’s pretty sad when we can’t discuss clothing and fashion, the entire purpose of this board, without someone crowing about weight loss methods. That is not what I asked about at all. And when I said that, and pretty firmly so, the responder doubled down. I get that people can say and respond however they want, and you have to separate the helpful from the unhelpful, but this felt genuinely bad to me. You’re making a LOT of assumptions about me as a person, my ability to take feedback, my body, and my health. I get that this is an anonymous message board and usually negative commentary doesn’t get me down, but yeah. this felt sh!tty and uncalled for.

      1. You were the one to enter weight into the conversation, though. Were you expecting something different when you did that? If you had asked ONLY about clothes and not used the word weight, I think you would have had a different vibe to the responses. However, you also need to accept that when you post here, you can’t control the responses.

        1. Sure, I accept that. I was trying to explain what had changed and why I was struggling, and I see that opened the door to whatever that was. I appreciate the genuinely helpful advice I did receive. But, I also don’t believe that weight loss is a neutral topic at all.

        2. Not really though. Talking about weight distribution changing is not asking about losing weight. It was relevant to the question about clothes.

          1. I was always taught to think of changing weight distribution as a symptom (of conditions other than “aging”). But it makes sense that people need to adapt fashion either way.

  16. Looking for kindness, constructive advice, something.

    Feeling crummy today after a brutal fight with a friend this weekend. It’s the third time in a year that I have hit this exact pattern.

    I have a truly inordinate amount of stress in my life. I do not take it out on other people but I also expect my own boundaries to be respected. The life crises on my end are being a managed by excellent doctors, psychologists, and lawyers; I hired the best they are doing a great job of managing the fallout.

    In addition to this, I’m a single mom of two kids, attorney, age 41, and my father has cancer.

    So my capacity to deal with bs is nonexistent. I am a good friend (I still get on a plane for weddings, funerals, baby showers, all of it).

    The three people who i have lost friendships with in the last year are all formerly high achieving people who hit midlife crises in a big way – all unemployed, none of them are parents.

    They all decided to manufacture LARGE problems in my life, in situations that have nothing to do with them. I told them to knock it off, offered an off-ramp, offered easy solutions to the alleged problem, all that; they escalated; I ended the friendship.

    It feels crummy but it’s also amazing how much better I can handle life without people throwing a monkey wrench into the works at what is the worst time in my 40+ years on this earth.

    1. Good luck. People change as they age and so do relationships. It’s ok to walk away for a bit.

    2. I don’t think there’s enough information here. What boundaries are you laying out that is prompting this kind of response from people?

      2. Things like, pressuring me into doing something that would undermine the amicable coparenting relationship I have with my ex (framed as “you need to stand up for yourself and hold his feet to the fire”). What I said is. You might be right, you might not be, but I don’t run this by committee. My lawyer handles it and I listen to her advice; we decide the risks and benefits together. More pressure, escalated to yelling, and I was like, okay friendship over.

        Or, vacation rental house, told me to not get food on my way there (I have dietary restrictions), spent the entire long weekend pushing food on me that I truly cannot eat.

        1. She yelled at you for not taking her parenting advice and tried to make you eat food that isn’t good for you? This is insane behavior. Please just avoid her. You don’t owe her an explanation. This is a great case for ghosting.

          1. Two different friends but yes to both.

            Thank you for the gut check. I felt like I was losing my mind.

    3. Hugs. Never in my adult life had I had the capacity for dramatic friendships. She sounds unhinged. I promise this is not the price of adult female friendship. At this point in my life I need friends who are zero drama and supportive and fun. You do too.

    4. OP, this sounds like it’s a good example of you outgrowing old dynamics. Maybe in the past you had the ability to incorporate some amount of drama, but now you are outgrowing old patterns. It’s been a hard year for me as well, and I’m reminded that hard times teach us what is really important in life. Protecting your peace and focusing on your family are two of those things. Hugs

      1. “Maybe in the past you had the ability to incorporate some amount of drama,”

        Yes… that.

        1. I agree with this completely. My husband lost some very longstanding friendships. In reality, they were always unhealthy relationships and he grew enough to not accept the dynamic anymore. Now he has more time and energy for the positive people!

    5. It sounds like you’re in a truly difficult position, and I’m sorry.

      As an outside observer, I would say that, when someone has had 3 blowups with previously decent friends, it’s possible all 3 friends became unreasonable at the same time, but the more likely explanation is the source of the issue is the person at the center

      1. OP here. I normally would believe that as well, except:

        -my other friendships are rock solid.

        -these people have had strained relationships with other people (one mutual friend privately told me that I am the smartest person she’s ever met for dumping two of these friends; she wants to but doesn’t feel like she can).

        -these three people have a LOT in common: job loss on the last two years, job loss for identical reasons (rampantly abusing full remote and flexibility), no new roles.

      2. This. With the very, very limited info we have… “Hold his feet to the fire” being met with “my lawyers are handling it” isn’t an example of someone causing drama, IMO. I think your life is so stressful right now that you aren’t in a position to see normal, chatty discourse (feet to the fire) for what it is.

        2. Respectfully I can’t see any situation where this discourse was reasonable. The part you described was fine but then the friend pressured her and yelled. Are you saying an exchange like this ending in yelling is normal? I really cannot imagine this ending in increased pressure and yelling in any normal friendship.

      3. Not the OP, but I lost three friends over the past year. I had a new medical diagnosis and had a lot of doctor’s appointments and a new medication to get used to; this was not long after my husband went through something similar but also with hospitalization involved. So yes the source of the issue was here with me. I wasn’t as responsive as some people were used to me being (partly because I was taking more naps). In one case I was the one who lost patience with one friend’s ultimatum that I needed to be available daily or it wasn’t a friendship at all, and we actually had a blowup. In another case I just woke up and witnessed the entire one sided blow up in my messages, and I realized it was too far gone to salvage. Their feeling was that I’d been engaging too insincerely, which I can see since I was putting in effort to engage when I wasn’t really feeling it, but I miss them. In the third case, I simply failed to ever nicely host someone who expressed that the next time we saw each other needed to be at my place and that I needed to reciprocate properly (not at a third location or with take out), and attempts to make a third location work instead of hosting at my place were rejected.

        So in all three cases I stopped pulling my weight basically. I didn’t end the friendships like OP did, but it didn’t really end differently. Maybe OP has more self esteem than I do.

          1. Thanks. It still feels kind of bad that right now life genuinely feels easier this way, but I don’t like having all my eggs in so few baskets with the people who are left either. I hope things work out for you too and that life gets much easier again!

    6. I am not trying to be insensitive with this comment, and it may be completely off-base depending on the specific facts involved in your situation. But without those facts — what stuck out to me most in your post is that this has happened with surprising frequency in a short period of time, and the common denominator is you. Might you be doing something that invited this, in one or all three of these circumstances?

      1. Anonn, two of the three people involve do it to other people as well.

        Thank you for saying that, because the answer does remind me that it isn’t just me.

        1. With this added fact: Maybe it is a reflection in the choices of companionship you’ve made over time, which is also worthy of consideration. Whatever the circumstances, I’m sorry you’re hurting. Losing a friend is hard, losing three in such a short period of time must be very difficult and isolating.

          2. I think that midlife is when many people start to become their more authentic selves. Some people’s authentic selves are not great people. Sounds like life has separated the wheat from the chaff for you.

      2. I had the same thought, and also the thought that losing three long-term friendships is really sad. I’m not there and I don’t know how extreme the situations were, but that seems like a lot.

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