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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Milly is one of those brands that I forget about from time to time, but they're consistently doing really interesting and feminine takes on workwear, like this pencil skirt — I think it's sophisticated and stylish and would work in a variety of seasons. You could pick up the green in the skirt and wear it with a pop of kelly green in the springtime, and you could also pick up the more muted purples and blacks and wear it in the wintertime. It has a hidden back zip and comes in sizes 2-10. The skirt is on sale for $130, down from $325, which is a really great deal. ‘Painted Floral' Pencil Skirt Here's a lower-priced option from Ellen Tracy (regular and petite) and a skirt from Talbots that comes in plus, plus petite, regular, and petite sizes. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]. (L-all)Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Everlane Leather Street Shoe
Has anyone owned these or tried them on? I’m wondering if they are comfortable for people with wide feet.
Anonymous
My feet are wide toward the balls of the feet, and I find the front to be a bit narrow. I still wear them though…
LondonLeisureYear
I know there have been a lot of posts about gifts – but can you share your favorite gift guides on line? Anyone stuck on a gift?
I always love Ben and Birdy’s gift guide and this year is no exception: http://benandbirdy.blogspot.co.uk/2016/11/gift-guide-2016-now-with-bonus.html
Trying to help my mom brainstorm my ideas for my dad.
AIMS
I always like the GoFugYourself guide but I don’t think it’s out yet, though should be this week.
Stuck on a couple of gifts for the random men in my life.
A recommendation – if you need a small token gift for someone, I saw this in Sur La Table and thought it was funny and adorable (and useful!) – a very mini chocolate fondue pot: http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-2191336/
I would happily melt chocolate in it and dip berries on a weekend.
anon-oh-no
my kids received that mini fondue pot last year and they love it. but adults would obviously love it too.
Gifts
I was stuck with male members of my family. So each one is getting a similar basket of goods…
Amazon dot
Solar powered radio/charger/flashlight unit (to keep in the car, for hiking etc… Cheap actually)
Gift membership in the ACLU or Sierra Club
anon
Headlamps are another good gift; it’s hard to use your hands and hold a flashlight.
Senior Attorney
Headlamps are great. Don’t know how I ever lived without mine.
pugsnbourbon
I use mine to walk the dog. Helps me see and also makes me more visible to drivers.
Edna Mazur
I use mine to walk the dog. Helps me see and also makes me more visible to drivers.
couldn't resist
You can write that and not go to moderation?
Veronica Mars
Hydroflask (water bottle or growler)
Echot Dot
Shearling LL Bean Slippers
Sephora Favorites
Jeffiner
I usually try to avoid food gifts for something more personal, but I did a food gift for my husband for our anniversary last month and he loves it. He’s gotten into bodybuilding a lot in the past year, and has a strict diet. He eats a pile of egg whites every morning, but that gets boring, so he adds ketchup. I bought him half a dozen different flavored ketchups from Amazon. He loves it and is very excited when he finishes one bottle and gets to move on to the next flavor.
NOLA
This list of Stocking Stuffers is great. I bought a couple things from it for different people. http://dodoburd.com/stocking-stuffers-under-10
I bought my SO a really practical gift – the wool sneakers from AllBirds. They’re supposed to be comfortable enough to run in, and they’re washable, and a color he’ll wear, and they don’t look like grandpa.
For my family, I’m having a friend make custom coasters with family photographs. She did a great job!
Long Distance
My relationship (8 months) recently became long distance when my boyfriend moved for work. I’ve since learned I need more communication to feel happy than he does, which translates into me calling him much more than he calls me. He’s happy to actually talk once I call, but the situation leads to me feeling like he’s not as invested in the relationship as I am. I don’t know how to fix it other than me moving to his city (the eventual plan), but I hardly want to do that if he really IS not invested enough in it. How would you proceed?
Anonymous
Have you talked to him about it? The first step is to talk to him about it and see if he is willing to meet your need. If he isn’t, THEN you have an indication he is not as invested in it. I don’t think you can make that conclusion if you haven’t given him an opportunity to try. If he has no idea that you want this, how can he meet your expectations?
Anonymous
Additionally, why don’t you set up regular/Skype call times? Make them phone dates? Alternate who calls who. I don’t like to talk on the phone very much and don’t need that in a relationship, so randomly calling my partner to talk wouldn’t cross my mind, but if my partner needed it and we set up regular times to talk (during commute, etc.), then I would do it and it would be fine.
*as long as it wasn’t hour long calls each day
Emmer
Exactly this. When I was long distance for a year with my SO, we had a standing phone or video chat date at 9 PM every night. If it’s a standing time, it doesn’t matter who calls who.
Long Distance
I don’t think I’ve directly said something like “I feel bad because I’m usually the one to contact you and it makes me wonder whether you’re invested in this relationship.” I just thought it seemed kind of confrontational/insecure.
Anonymous
Well that’s not how I would recommend you approach it. My recommendation would be to approach it in a “Since we have become long distance, I’ve noticed that I need more consistent communication than I did when we were living near each other. I thought it would be fun to set up a nightly phone/Skype date. What do you think?”
If he balks and is like uh, well, I’m always busy, so I don’t think I can make that work and offers no solution, then he may be indicating he is not invested enough to meet your needs. If he says, oh yea that would be fun, let’s do that, then you move forward and work on your insecurity on your own time.
Long Distance
Thanks. Sometimes I am not the best at phrasing things like that.
Anonymous
You’re welcome! It’s taken me a while (and some therapy) to hone my communication skills. The idea is not to throw blame at someone — you make me feel XYZ — but instead say when this happens I feel XYZ. I think that since this is the first time you are bringing it up, the soft approach I recommended above is a good place to start. If he asks why or seems resistant, then you can say when I initiate all of our phone calls, I feel like we may not be on the same page with where we are in our relationship (or something like that).
It’s important to recognize that people can be at different stages in a relationship and that’s okay SO LONG AS both of you are okay with being in different places and you are working towards the same goal.
Long Distance
Thanks…the different stages comment is a helpful thing to think about too.
Anonymous
RE: different stages. I have been in a relationship where the different stage thing was an issue, but only because one party was making NO progress towards the supposedly mutually agreed upon goal after a VERY reasonable amount of time despite many promises of working on it and blah blah blah. Don’t feel like you have to be okay with different stages, but realize that everyone is different and moves at different speeds.
I’m going to be annoyingly lawyerish here but it’s almost like having a cure period. You have an adult, mature discussion about how you both are feeling, you discuss where you want to go (individually and together), and if one person is in a different place that’s okay if you also are on the same page with long-term goals and if you both understand that if you aren’t eventually on the same page (you set the period you are comfortable with), one person is going to bow out.
Anonymous
I’d work on being less insecure. You want to talk on the phone more than him. So, you call him more frequently. And when you do, he is happy to talk. This isn’t a problem. You need to work on reminding yourself that people have different needs and communication styles and that it isn’t a personal slight.
anon
I agree that OP is likely going to be the primary call-initiator, but I disagree that this is solely her problem. It’s not insecurity to want your partner to put the effort into initiating contact sometimes. It doesn’t have to be 50/50 – and you shouldn’t score-keep – but if I feel like I’m ALWAYS the one calling and he hardly ever does, that’s a problem. Especially early on. They need to meet in the middle – he needs to put more effort into maintaining the relationship and she needs to learn to not take it personally if she calls more than he does.
Anonymous
She didn’t say he never calls, just that she calls more.
Gerrianne
Agreed. A woman should not always call or the guy will take her for granted. When the are together, she should equally not always capitulate to his needs, but should insist he first satisfy her needs. Otherwise she runs the risk he will be using her only for convenience, until a better woman gains his attention.
COtoNY
I almost solely call my husband, rather than him ever calling me. This included while we were recently on a two-year, 50%-of-the-time long distance stint. I think you just need to accept that it might not be his thing to initiate, but feel secure in the fact that he doesn’t mind talking once you call.
anon
This isn’t really a fair or helpful comparison. A temporary 50% LD situation in an established marriage does not equal a longterm LDR in an 8-month long relationship. I stayed in a lot of bad-for-me relationships because my married friends were all, well my husband does AnnoyingInconsiderateThing and we’re happy! Ok well you and your husband have a lot more history than me and my BF of 8 months. If we’re not meshing well at the under 1 year mark then maybe it’s a sign that we’re just not good together, not that I’m too needy/insecure/insert sexist trope here.
Anon for this
I’m in a very similar situation, although in my case we’ve been long distance for about 2 years now. I’ve had to learn that my boyfriend and I have very different communication styles. He is not actually less invested in the relationship than I am, but he doesn’t act the same way I do. To be honest, it’s been really, really hard. It’s only recently that we’ve learned how to talk about this stuff. But it’s been so much better now that he knows what I want from him (and vice versa). I don’t know how to make it easy, but I do suggest having multiple conversations from the get go about expectations and commitment. And then updating those if/when things change.
H
Some people just really aren’t phone people. My husband hates the phone, and will avoid calling someone as much as possible. I say talk to him about it. It might have nothing to do with you.
Sydney Bristow
This is so pretty. I’m sad it only goes to size 10. I don’t like the plus size option.
What is everyone planning to do with their bonuses (if you get one)? I have no idea what the amount will be (or even a ballpark amount since it was my first full year here) so I’m planning with percentages.
I’ve been spending more than I should recently and had some slow months at work so my paychecks were smaller than normal. I’m planning to replenish the amount that I had used from my savings over those months. Then I’m putting 95% of what is left to my student loans and letting myself spend the remaining 5% on something fun. I’m thinking jewelry or makeup, depending on the amount.
n/a
I work in biglaw and will get a market bonus. I let myself spend between 4-5% of the after-tax amount (so more like 2-3% of the pre-tax amount) on a small splurge, put aside $5500 for my IRA contribution for the next year, give 7-10% to charity, and bank the rest.
Anonattorney
Random question about biglaw – do you not have a 401k? Is this typical for biglaw?
Julia
I assume she is maxing out the 401k and additionally investing in a separate IRA.
Anonattorney
Ah, that makes more sense. I had heard from another friend in Biglaw that she has a 401k, but they don’t do any matching or firm contribution, so I was curious generally about Biglaw retirement contribution policies.
Anonymous
It’s standard to not have any employer matching for attorneys, and thus relatively common for people to invest in other ways or to defer retirement savings to save aggressively in other ways (paying off loans, which often have a higher interest rate than retirement savings, for example).
Anonymous
We don’t get our bonuses until March (non-law) It’s paying off my car, and anything left over is going towards a down payment.
Gail the Goldfish
The vast majority goes straight toward student loans. I may buy myself a small piece of jewelry (I want one of those vintage 1920s camphor glass pendants with filigree), but that’s the only fun thing. On the plus side, if my bonus is about what I expect, it may be enough to get my loans below 6 figures, so yay?
In-House in Houston
We get bonuses in March t00, and I’m using part of mine to go to Spain. The rest I’ll save.
Leatty
I should get a 20k bonus in February. I plan to spend roughly $1500 on some new furniture, put 2-3k toward student loans, and the rest in savings since I’m pregnant.
Tech Comm Geek
This year any bonus or extra money is going towards two things: paying off my dental work and funding my volunteer work this year. I took on a large year-long commitment requiring a lot of travel this year. It’s stretching me and it is a ton of fun. There have been more little expenses (and big) than I anticipated.
ace
I think I’ll put the majority towards finishing paying off my student loans. I graduated in the good ol’ days of low interest and 30 year payoff, so paying off hasn’t been a huge priority to me, but now that it’s at a reasonable level I like the idea of wiping them clean in one fell swoop.
Sydney Bristow
That sounds awesome to me!
Tutti
I get a large bonus in January, but my compensation is about 20% salary and 80% bonus. I think I’ll end up spending about 5% after taxes on “fun” and the rest gets banked since my regular savings throughout the year isn’t as robust as I’d like.
CountC
Not at a law firm, so my bonus was a pittance compared to a BigLaw bonus. I used it as I normally use a paycheck – paid my credit card balance off, spent it on Christmas presents, bought myself an Echo Dot and some new running shoes. Nothing spectacular!
Anon
My bonus (in-house, so not a large amount) will go to holiday tipping (daycare and house cleaners) and a gift for my secretary.
Anonattorney
:)
Veronica Mars
Paying for my two big expenses right now: furnishing my new apartment and getting my dog trained out of being leash reactive.
Tutti
Please report back on #2!!! My 2 y/o lab/boxer mix is nuts on the leash but the calmest and sweetest dog off leash. We’ve done some training, but haven’t had any long term success.
Anonymous
A big chunk of my bonus is going towards buying a new smartphone completely paid off, and the rest is going into savings.
Woods-comma-Elle
Desperately trying to make my target so I get one, though tied to firm profitability so who knows. But assuming I do, it’s going towards wedding and extended honeymoon.
Anonymous
Maybe 10-20% as fun money for larger purchases or trips, and the rest goes into some combination of savings/retirement/savings for grad school. But this all depends on how much it ends up being, and if I can negotiate a raise in the new year…
CPA Lady
I’m expecting $500 at most. I’ll probably be dull and use it to pay part of my December credit card bill… Granted, I just bought myself an awesome faux fur vest, so maybe I’ll consider that my Christmas present to myself. If I were getting 20k or some huge chunk of money like that, I’d probably pay off my car and throw the rest at the mortgage. Yay debt.
Sydney Bristow
Right? Debt makes bonuses less fun. Although maybe I’ll have a nice glass of wine when submitting my extra payment to make it more festive.
Shopaholic
I’m not sure if I’m getting a bonus this year or early next year (they’re very discretionary) but if I do, I’m debating between a new phone, new iPad and a new personal laptop (everything is old and seems to be dying at the same time…) depending on the amount.
LadyB
Most of my bonus went to savings, but going to spend a portion of it on a road bike
Anonattorney
My regional mid-law bonus will be used to (1) top off my 401k contributions to the max, (2) pay for presents and end-of-year tips/bonuses, and (3) pad savings account that has been dwindling throughout the year. Nothing exciting.
anon
Biglaw senior associate market bonus. Originally, all was going into starting my toddler’s college fund, but I got the “up or out and you’re out” conversation last month, so now a third will go into further padding the emergency fund in case it takes longer to find a job than the undisclosed length of my remaining time here, and the rest into her college fund. Hopefully, I will get a new job quickly and can put the rest of it into her college fund as planned.
Bah humbug.
ace
I’m sorry to hear that — glad that you have the cushion and best of luck in your transition.
Edna Mazur
I will probably get about a 1% bonus (they do this in lieu of 401k matching, hmph). Not paid six figures so it isn’t much. Probably put it toward holiday shopping and general expenses.
Hermione
I had a signing bonus in October and used most of it to buy a new laptop and phone, with the rest going into my moving/ house buying fund.
anonypotamus
I’m not expecting a large bonus, because I just started this job in June, but between that and the settlement from my just finalized divorce, I’m throwing it all towards the last of my student loans and I should get them cleared out by the end of January!
ChiLaw
My bonus is v. modest compared to BigLaw money. I’m hopefully getting myself a new iPhone, and putting the rest in my savings. We’ve had a hard time building up savings this year (bought a house, eesh) so hopefully between that an a tax refund, we’ll make some progress.
anon
Half to savings then
Paying off $2K in Amex Christmas debt for this year
Paying the rest to car payment ($8k left)
PS (I have no savings after several emergency things this year)
Brunette Elle Woods
If he is not as invested in the relationship, then certainly don’t move for the relationship! You need to talk to him in person. Maybe have a discussion with him over the holidays or the next time you see each other. Find out where he sees the relationship going and if there is a future. He could just be learning his new city and getting acclimated to the new office location. Personally, I wouldn’t move or make any major life decision (job, family, etc.) without a ring on my finger, but that’s just me.
Long Distance
Thanks, and I feel the same re: moving without a ring.
Brunette Elle Woods
Glad you noticed that this was a response to your post. Just talk to him and see his reaction. Everyone can speculate all they want, but it comes down to communication.
Emmy See
I had a teacher who got engaged to his now-wife like this:
he: I’m going to grad school. Wanna come with me?
she: If there ain’t a ring on my finger, my a$$ ain’t leaving this town.
Question for BigLaw associates
I’m a former BigLaw associate, have worked in-house, and am ready for my next challenge. Specifically, one of my new years resolutions is to start my own business geared towards current BigLaw associates.
I’d love to hear from BigLaw associates to hear what problems you’d like to solve. For instance, do you want to learn about finding an in-house job, are you interested in learning about taking off the golden handcuffs/other money topics, something else? In other words, what’s on your mind, what issues are you facing, and what can someone help solve?
Anonymous
Not BigLaw but if you’re looking at being a life coach for BigLaw associates, then you need to figure out if you will focus your services on how to leave BigLaw or how to survive BigLaw or both.
For BigLaw survival – recommendations and assistance setting up cleaning/childcare/home maintenance arrangements would be helpful. Services like pre-interviewing nannies so parents only have to interview like 3 or being available to instruct new cleaners would be valuable.
Anon
There are a million and one life coaches out there for biglaw associates and most don’t make any money. As for biglaw survival – if you want a profitable business, be the one that provides their cleaning/childcare/home maintenance. No one is going to pay money for her to research the options for them. Yes biglaw associates are busy – but we do have friends – we send out mass emails to our equally busy friends to ask for recs; and most of us are detail oriented and hands on – no we wouldn’t trust a stranger “pre interviewing” our nannies or cleaners bc how do we know that your standards are what we’re looking for?? We have enough job flexibility that we can leave in the middle of the day to do these things.
Snick
I wonder if there’s a market for a general problem solver / life organzer. For example, Big Law Associate (junior partner/executive, etc) is too busy to manage life plus job and is overwhelmed. Consultant interviews BLA to assess needs (errand-running, meal prep, appointments/calendaring, stylist/wardrobe update, housekeeping/home maintenance/organization, getting rid of excess stuff), develops a prioritized, itemized plan for BLA’s approval, then implements it. The consultant would need a stable of tested, trusted subcontractors (errand-runners, housekeepers, etc) to do the tasks, which could be one-time or ongoing.
Anon
How on earth will you monetize something like that? Or is this a for fun/not generating profit business? Bc I don’t know anyone who’d pay a former associate for golden handcuff advice.
S
Brutal but agree.
nutella
A bit harsh, but I agree. I do think many biglaw associates need financial guidance, but from a financial planner (how can you pay loans and rent while saving for long-term goals like a down payment, children, or retirement, etc.), so I think you should maybe avoid that route. I think your options are career coaching, working as a recruiter, working as an assistant-type (that person mentioned above that would interview candidates, but this is rather niche), or maybe career development for a firm.
Anonymous
I would pay for an errand assistant, but beyond that, I can’t think of a “biglaw” problem I’m looking to get solved. I wouldn’t have any interest in advice-type services unless it was a financial planner.
The biggest problem I have is with scarcity of time. If I could pay someone a task-based rate for certain types of services (picking up dry cleaning, doing a weekly produce grocery run) and an hourly rate for other types of services (pre-interviewing nannies, researching preschools, etc) that would be really appealing.
Tinydancer
I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even wrap my head around a list of what’s “on my mind.” If you need ME to tell you which of my problems to fix, you’re of no use to me. I promise that’s intended less rudely than it reads, but my larger point is I think you need to figure out what problem there is to solve and offer a creative way to do it, because just asking us to tell you is unlikely to generate much. The value is in you providing something I didn’t even know would help me but does.
just a suggestion
i think she was posting this to get an idea of what problems most people have. it’s not like she’s trying to monetize asking people what they need help with.
also, if you are so overwhelmed, maybe get off corporette?
AIMS
I’m usually a fan of Milly but this print looks too much like paint got on your skirt. It’s prettier up close but I just can’t get past my immediate reaction. Also, not sure I agree it’s year round appropriate if you’re somewhere with four seasons, to me it’s very spring/summer.
Brunette Elle Woods
I agree. I think it’s nice, but nothing special and way over priced.
Bonnie
I like the print itself but not the expanse of black at the bottom. Altering the hem may actually make this skirt look better.
anon
I appreciate that they left a lot of black at the bottom because super short ladies like me would need to hem this skirt. I tend to shy away from interesting patterns like this because I always have to cut off the pattern at an odd place.
Anonymous
I think the skirt is really pretty, but I am not willing to pay $130 for it.
Anony
I love that Milly is all made in the USA. It makes it more expensive, but I am willing to pay it for something I love.
pugsnbourbon
Yesterday my water bottle leaked in my nice leather purse and killed my phone. My purse isn’t expensive by this s!te’s standards and the water stain is only on the inside, but my husband got it for me and I love it. The phone was 2.5 years old and I can get an upgrade, but … this is why I can’t have nice things.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who buys cheaper things because I know I’ll ruin them.
Anonymous
I spilled soup multiple times in my old work tote. Great way to start your day. Now I take the unopened can/box to work!
Anonymous
I never buy sunglasses that cost more than $10 because I am constantly losing and breaking them. I would love a pair of Ray-Bans but I know it would just be a tremendous waste of money.
emeralds
Yes. Let me tell you about the time I dove off the side of a boat this summer and lost my favorite sunglasses into the watery depths, because I forgot that water would exert force on my face and that I’d need to hold them in place. An hour later someone else did the same thing. My sunglasses were $11, his were $250. One of us shrugged it off and one of us had a giant temper tantrum.
I take good care of my clothes, shoes, bags, and jewelry, but sunglasses and phones…I just can’t have nice ones.
southsider
I used to be this way too (constantly sitting on and breaking my sunglasses) UNTIL I invested in a nicer pair (Ray-Bans, actually!). I’ve now had the same pair for 10 years and take amazing care of them because I don’t want to waste my investment!
Anonymous
Yes, I’ve had the same pair of expensive sunglasses for years because I baby the heck out of them! I also do the same with umbrellas. I won’t buy a $100 umbrella, but I’ll spend $25-40 on one. I am really diligent about not losing them.
anon
+1
I keep a cheap pair in my car, though. Just in case.
Anonymous
This is me. When my things were cheap, I didn’t care. Now I take better care.
On the other hand
I do take better care of nicer things, but I am a breaker, a spiller, and a loser-of-objects, and having things that are much nicer than my norm just stresses me out. My personality and life didn’t magically change when I got nicer things.
CountC
Yes! I have reduced grip strength in my dominant hand due to an injury, so if I don’t think about it and grab/hold with my dominant hand, the chances I am going to drop whatever it is I am holding increase quite a bit.
pugsnbourbon
Exactly. I am very much a breaker and a spiller, and I have been all my life. I can only mitigate those things so much.
Anonymous
Yeah – I was always losing my cheapo Target sunglasses, but once I got nice prescription ones they were really easy to take good care of. They feel more substantial and are much sturdier, I don’t even have to think about putting them in their case which I never did with cheap ones.
Anonymous
I refuse to wear contacts and I can’t drive without prescription glasses, so prescription sunglasses were required. They were NOT cheap (even though I chose relatively inexpensive frames, about $40), and I am really nuts about keeping them in a case so they don’t get scratched. I’ve had them for 5 years now (through 2 prescriptions), which is about 10 times longer than I’ve ever had any other pair of sunglasses.
Sydney Bristow
I need prescription sunglasses too. I’ve bought 2 pairs through Zenni for less than $50 each.
KateMiddletown
100%. I buy a few pairs 1x a year when Luxottica (local to my area – company that owns basically all designer eyewear brands) has their annual United Way sunglasses fundraising sale. $5/$10 for all the brands (I still won’t spend even $40 on Ray Bans.) THE BEST.
Anonymous
I have a nice pair of Ray Bans I broke last week when I tripped and took a faceplant across the sidewalk rushing to catch the 5A to Dulles.
I have a $0/free pair of blue plastic wayfarers that advertise “Deep Eddy Vodka” that people have BROUGHT BACK FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND RETURNED TO ME.
cbackson
I once spilled an entire 16-ounce coffee inside a purse. I decided (since the purse was sort of cognac-colored anyway and was saddle leather) that this gave it “character” and have forbidden anyone to disagree.
AIMS
I’ve put my phone in a washing machine.
But – that said – try putting your phone in a bag of rice (uncooked, of course). It may dry it out.
Wildkitten
Yup! My phone has become undead like 3 times after being soaked like that.
Gifts
Wow – great tip!
pugsnbourbon
Sadly I think the battery itself may be toast – the phone will turn on, but it won’t charge.
Sloan Sabbith
You can get batteries replaced!!
CMT
That’s most definitely a myth. Rice doesn’t do jack for a wet phone. http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/2014/12/18/phone-drying-systems/20212889/
AIMS
Well, it worked for my phone when I spilled water and my volume stopped working.
CMT
Or, your phone was going to dry out anyway with time and you just happened to have stuck it in a bag of rice. Seriously. It’s a dumb myth. It doesn’t help.
Anonymous
No, it really does work. I think those two companies have a vested interest in saying that it’s a myth. However, the electronic item must be off and not be turned on while still wet, and you must let it completely dry out before turning it back on. The Op has turned on her phone and has likely fried it, rice won’t help her here.
JayJay
Yes. I will not buy shirts that cost more than $20 – $30 because I will inevitably stain/rip them.
CountC
I cannot have nice things either! I (or the animals) ruin everything. haha
June
When I got myself my first nice leather purse, I took it home to see if it matched a certain pair of shoes. Then I liked it so much I decided to just carry it for a day before deciding to keep it. In that day, I spilled an entire bottle of nail polish in the bag.
Needless to say, I kept it. Fortunately, i liked it enough to keep it and have had it almost 5 years now. The polish is still splattered all over the lining.
Anon
I keep my 32-ounce water bottle next to my bed at night and once knocked it off the nightstand and it landed, upside down, in my purse which I had sitting next to the bed. Luckily my phone wasn’t in it, so other than having to dry everything, no harm was done. My “purse” at the time was actually a Kate Spade diaper bag (looked like a tote) so it could be wiped dry.
Anonymous
OMG that’s hilarious and it’s actually a miracle I have not done this exact same thing.
I once knocked over a full glass of water onto my boss’s computer _during an arbitration hearing_. The court reporter was kind enough to not include my quite audible “sh*t!” in the transcript.
JayJay
That’s amazing. I laughed out loud reading that.
slob
I spilled a bottle of nyquil on my bed once. It was highly dramatic because I was already sick and wanted to sleep…. mattress pad is still green.
I have soup leaks in my purse on the regular, so I will never buy a super nice one and have been carrying the same mid-level brand bag for 5 years. It’s in a color that doesn’t show dirt. The lining is… in rough shape.
I’m really good at technology, though. Phone, ipad, computer, ipod, etc. all have survived me. My sister, OTOH, dropped a snow globe on her macbook, destroying it. A snow globe.
Samantha
One night, I felt really stuffy and couldn’t sleep. Fun fact I was also about 9 months pregnant at the time with a very prominent belly.
Since I didn’t have a humidifier and couldn’t go out and buy one right away in the middle of the night, I came up with the bright idea of bringing a big pan of warm water near my bed where it would (presumably) evaporate and humidify the air around me. Whether it worked or not, something interesting happened in the morning. I woke up when my alarm rang, sat up abruptly, accidentally jerked my phone into the humidifying pan of water while trying to grab it, sprang out of bed – in a waddly way, stepped in and sloshed said water all over the room, then grabbed my phone, dried with a towel and then ran to stick it in my bag of basmati rice.
Phone recovered but was the shell of the phone it once was. I eventually recovered from my stuff nose but as a result of my kid, I am also a shell of the person I once was. True story.
Anonymous
I’m pretty good with things like purses and work clothes but I absolutely destroy shoes (walk in them until soles wear out, wear them in pouring rain, squash them in bags and suitcases, etc.) so I try to buy as cheap as possible (except for boots). Add on the fact that my feet seem to not fit any shoes quite right, regardless of price, so I end up doing a lot of shoe shopping at Payless.
TorontoNewbie
Yeah I bought a bunch of silk button ups because I love the look and feel of them for my new job… I’ve already ruined one in 6 months and another has a small stain but it’s not noticeable under my blazer. I love them but am beginning to think that me being klutzy is probably not a mesh.
JustNML
Thrift shops – silk blouses are $2-10, which is cheaper than getting some of them dry cleaned. Also better with children around – I am way less likely to get upset about them destroying a $7 silk blouse than one I paid $250 for.
Baconpancakes
I’ve figured out the compromise that works for me – really durable, practical things that might be a bit expensive – like my ballistic nylon Tumi tote or waterproof leather riding boots, and cheaper things that I know are absolutely going to get lost or destroyed, like sunglasses and socks, I just buy in bulk and cheap.
anon for this
therapy advice–
I know I need therapy, but I’ve just finished my third attempt at it (because of a move out of state) and, like the other times, nothing has changed.
In short, the reason I’m going to therapy are my mood swings/my short fuse before I’m very agitated or angry. This almost solely presents itself in relation to my husband, which is incredibly unfair to him. He doesn’t view this to be as big of an issue as I do– we get through a short (but intense) argument, mostly because of my temper, and then he’s over it.
My last therapist seemed great, and did understood my issues. However, we just weren’t really able to fix them. I was given small “homework” assignments that, honestly, I slacked on and wasn’t motivated to complete. In sessions, we would discuss specific examples of my temper flareups and get to the bottom of why they happened– I am able to completely understand after-the-fact that I was being irrational, see what led to the issue, etc. So therapy was basically all about “so when that happens, just try to not get mad!” But, that doesn’t work in real life.
I really, really want this to be solved. She suggested that I might have a version of bipolar disorder (bipolar 2)– it wasn’t really within her professional capacity to suggest this, but now I realize I should probably see someone that could diagnose and prescribe medication, if I needed it. The medications to treat bipolar seem a little extreme (and by that I mean: I currently take no medications, so taking a mood stabilizer would be a large jump), but I would do it if it meant this would stop.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Similar experiences? Advice? Motivation?
Anonymous
See someone! Next time, commit to doing the boring assignments. It may help. Talk about medication. See what the new person thinks.
anonshmanon
+1. You say you slacked on the homework assignments. How else should this issue be resolved other than you working on it?
Hopefully your therapist can help you find out what prevents you from doing the assignments.
Anonymous
Well, if you don’t actually do the work, no it won’t fix it. I don’t know what kind of external motivation there really is for this.
cbackson
Until you talk to any actual psychiatrist, I wouldn’t assume this is bipolar disorder – I just have depression/anxiety, and one of the ways it manifests is high irritability. I take a very low dose of prozac, and it smooths it out.
cbackson
I’ll add that I have no side effects from the prozac other than a slight reduction in my s*x drive.
anon
In my experience with depression/anxiety, medication gets me to a baseline so that I can do the actual work suggested in therapy. Also, one of my main indicators that I’m having an episode is a tendency to get rage-y. I’m normally pretty even-keeled with a long fuse. I’d probably seek an appointment with a psychiatrist to get a better diagnosis and advice on medication, if needed.
Anon
Have you tried CBT style therapy? It works on changing patterns.
lawsuited
+1 CBT can provide you with alternate techniques of dealing with unpleasant emotions, and the more you use the techniques the more your behaviour changes over time.
lawsuited
BUT if you don’t do the homework – like recording your thoughts during a rage – CBT doesn’t work.
New Tampanian
+1 and you have to be “ready” to make changes.
Sometimes you just aren’t ready yet and that’s why therapy doesn’t seem to work.
Anon
Yeah, sounds like you need some kind of medicine. Maybe not bipolar medicine, but something. I took Cymbalta for a little less than a year when I was in therapy for anxiety for the first time. It helped me get to a place where I was stable enough that the therapy could help.
Also, what kind of birth control are you on? I’m on the depo shot and have been having what feel like irrational and uncontrollable bouts of rage (see convo on mom’s s i t e from yesterday) that lead me to having stupid arguments over non-issues with my husband. Just thought I’d mention that your contraceptives, if you are taking any, may be having an effect on your moods. I’m getting off the depo shot and switching to something else, since I’ve never had this reaction with any other types of birth control.
Tech Comm Geek
I would start with a couple of things: Find a psychiatrist or clinic that specializes in diagnosis. Sometimes they specifically list “diagnostician.” There’s a lot that could be going on which does need some specialized knowledge to address.
I’ve known those with similar issues and they had good luck with a technique called “Dialectical Behavior Therapy.” There are therapists who specialize in this technique. But your best bet is to get a thorough diagnosis.
My work with a diagnostician was pretty life-changing for me. Good luck!
Bonnie
Therapy is wonderful but still requires you to work on the issue. It sounds like your last therapist was trying to alter your behaviors but you did not follow through with the homework. A good therapy plan does involve more than just the in-office time. I’d encourage you to find a therapist you does CBT but is also associated with a psychiatrist who can consider medication.
Meredith Grey
Doing the homework assignments seemed really realllllllly stupid to me when I started therapy. I’m not sure what made me actually do it in the end, other than I was so desperate to do something different I finally was game for anything, but they’ve become the most helpful tools. The therapy sessions themselves have become less talking about specific instances of problems, and more about how to fine tune the homework skills to make them most applicable in every day scenarios. I’d recommend trying again and doing the out of office work, regardless of whether you see a therapist or psychiatric.
Gifts
Perfect time to see a psychiatrist. I think you are a great candidate for a medications, and probably a small dose would work for you.
First, realize that many diagnoses in medicine, and especially in psychiatry, are not black and white…. But a messy shade of grey. A huge spectrum. Don’t get too hung up on a diagnosis, but let your doctors figure out the best way to treat your symptoms.
You sound a lot like a family member of mine. There is no way therapy will work for him, and as you have learned, the amount of work/time/expense involved can be high for your situation. If it isn’t working by now, time to try something else.
My family member was also told Biopolar II was a possibility. Meds were miraculous for him. But FYI…. if this is what you have, treating you with the wrong medicine could cause problems, so you must see a specialists. For my family member, his primary care doctor put him on SSRI alone… which didn’t work great so they had to keep upping the dose. This threw him from the more down side of the spectrum to the irritable/angry/almost maniac side of the spectrum. A tiny dose of the mood stabilizer was actually what he needed. Miraculous.
Anonymous
If this is only an issue with your husband, I fail to see how you need to be on medication like others are suggesting. You might find Brene Brown’s CD Men, Women, and Worthiness helpful. There is a good section about defusing rage. (As I recall, before she blows up at someone, she says to herself “Pain, Pain, Pain” or something to that effect to acknowledge that she’s in defensive angry mode and shouldn’t respond to the person while she’s in that mode).
anon for this
This is an issue in general, it only manifests itself with my husband because, subconsciously, I know he’s the only one I can explode like that to without losing the relationship.
anon for this
I do appreciate your advice, though, and will check out that CD. Thank you.
Anonymous
I have similar short fuse problems and I also found “The Tools” very helpful. You might like it because it gives quick practical strategies without the need for therapy/homework. Specifically, the “active love” tool. Best of luck. Sounds like you are already very self-aware and motivated.
Anonymous
Not to pile on – you’ve gotten great advice here – but having been the person on the other side of this, do be cognizant that this kind of behavior can end marriages, if not via divorce, but the tremendous loss of intimacy that comes from being the target for long enough. (your comment about not losing the relationship prompted me to point this out). My spouse’s anger is from a disease he has, but it’s been hugely painful anyway and I’m not in love with him because of it (together because of his disease – long story).
anon for this
Yes- this is what I most fear. I didn’t mean to sound blase when I said he could be the target and I wouldn’t lose the relationship– that’s true for now but I fully recognize that if things don’t change, I will push him away.
anon for this
Thank you, everyone. This was really the push I needed to find someone new/find someone who can prescribe medication. Researching this today.
This is why I love this community. This is something I wouldn’t have been comfortable talking about in real life to almost anyone.
Anon
Definitely see someone to properly diagnose it but if the therapy isn’t working, another thing to check into is whether it could be physiological. When I was in college I had similar outbursts and it turned out to be hormonal imbalance from the OC I was taking and stopping that completely changed me.
anon also
Don’t think of mood stabilizers as big, scary medications. :) I was finally diagnosed with bipolar II this year after being diagnosed through the years with anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc…. and when I was prescribed a mood stabilizer a few months ago (Lamictal/lamotrigine), I finally had a medication that worked!! Compared to this, antidepressants basically did nothing for me. (I’m still on a low/moderate dose of 1 antidepressant, Wellbutrin.) I was in my psychiatrist’s office yesterday and we were talking about how well I’ve been doing lately. I said, “Thank you, Lamictal!” — yes, just like a TV ad, but non-ironically — and she said that so many patients have said the same thing. Also, knock on wood, but zero side effects so far. It’s made a huge change in how I feel. Whether or not you DO have bipolar II, try finding a therapist in your area here: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com, or try HealthGrades, or even go to your local subreddit (on Reddit) and ask for suggestions there. Good luck!
anon for this
Thank you! My mother is an NP and suggested Lamictal was the med a psychiatrist might try for me. I actually have hope now.
Anon
But the are/ can be big scary medications. Many people don’t know how they will react, both immediately and upon long term exposure, to medications that alter brain chemistry.
By all means, if your doctor prescribes mood stabilizing medications and you need them, use them as a tool to make your life better. But please don’t say they are not big/ scary when the impact of using them can be.
MD
Neurologist here
While Neuro-active medications are not to be taken lightly, unfortunately the public has not been well-informed as to how damaging to your brain and body it can be to have long term, unabated depression, anxiety, and certainly bipolar and more. These can have serious, long term consequences…. Neuron(brain cell) loss, cognitive decline, increased risk of dementia and more for starters. Nevermind the effects it has on your work productivity and personal life and quality of life.
Also, the longer you wait to begin treatment, the harder it can be to treat.
The ideal is a combination of counseling, often medications, lifestyle modifications, and other external supports. It is a complex treatment model, and hard to sustain for many. So for most people, you pick and choose. And that can work too, although it may take a little longer, but not always. And it all needs to start with a doctor who can competently assess and treat.
The long term impact of anxiety/stress is significant on blood pressure and other cardiovascular risks factors, hormone regulation and more. Sleep disruption is so common with most mental health disorders, and is separately associated with increased risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia and death.
And being depressed, anxious, angry ….sucks. Everyone has these feelings sometimes, but when they are interfering with your job, relationships and life… It’s time to ask for help. Although sooner is sometimes better!
It is truly amazing how much attention will be paid to treating our wrinkles, compared with our mental health.
Anon at 11:53
Thanks for your insight, MD.
Absolutely! Mental health medications can certainly be helpful. And good for those who have found effective treatment methods!
The flip side of the coin is that when you take anti-depressants, for instance, sometimes the problems get worse before they get better. I am thinking about instances of suicide while being medicated for mental health issues. Am I missing something here to be concerned with this?
And of course, this doesn’t even begin to address the interpersonal issues that emerge when one is under the influence of brain/ hormone altering substances. For example, a friend’s behavior and apparent personality can totally change as she tries medication after medication, so that doesn’t it seem likely that friendships would often suffer? Obviously this consideration is a secondary one. But it warrants consideration in a mental health treatment plan.
MD
You are not balancing risks/benefit correctly. Of course, you ant your friend to be healthy, yes?
The risk of you damaging friendships, and killing yourself are much higher by leaving mental illness untreated.
Yes, sometimes it takes time to find the correct medication….. And perhaps your friend is also very sick and that is contributing to their instability. Every person’s biology is different and the medicines are one piece of the pie.
Finding patients who take their medications correctly, have advocates to help them, and doctors carefully monitoring are the most important variables while pursuing treatment safely. Not having these is what causes the greatest risk.
I can tell you don’t have much up close experience with mental illness. Empathy is key.
Anon
On balance, my sister was diagnosed with bipolar at 28 after a major, scary, totally out of the blue (though not in hindsight…) breakdown. Weeks in the psych ward/outpatient, almost a year to get back to functional, and now, 4 years later, she’s very functional and living a normal life but WAY different than 5 years ago.
She never had any signs or symptoms prior to the breakdown except for extreme irritability and later on, a dependence on alcohol (which was masked by being a college kid and young 20-something). I would defiantly kick the tires on the Dx just to be sure one way or the other.
Anonymous
My husband has some mood/anger issues and was prescribed Lamotrigine (it is prescribed for epilepsy but apparently is presecribed off-label for treatment of bipolar type issues where the diagnosis isn’t bipolar (behavior not that severe). It doesn’t have the same side effects as the more typical, hard-core bipolar medication. It has helped him.
Abi
I would definitely encourage you to look into /consider whether it might be physiological (rather than psychological.) Disrupted or imbalance hormones can cause irritability and outbursts of temper. Having myself dealt with extreme mood swings that were due to hormonal imbalance, I can attest that this is an often overlooked root of the problem. But, with necessary changes to improve hormonal balance (including diet and lifestyle improvements – including stress-reduction) my mental/emotional health was vastly improved. If you find that hormonal imbalance is an issue Dr Sarah Gottfried has some helpful information on balancing hormones.
Black tights
Anyone able to share their favorite winter dress they wear with with black tights?
I’m a black/white/navy, Jewel tone wearer. But I often don’t like a lot of the looks I see/I have with black tights.
Can’t figure out why it looks to abrupt/heavy to my eye, and how to make it work. I live in a cold climate with snow.
Walnut
I’ve added gray tights to my collection to work with dresses where black is too intense.
Gerrianne
Are they gray FLEECE tights??
Anonymous
+1
I have Commando tights in graphite and black. I have a few other colors but these two are the ones I wear 80% of the time.
http://www.wearcommando.com/collections/legwear/products/ultimate-opaque-matte-tights
Anon
Look for a dress with texture, light knit dresses, sweater dresses that would bring the eye to the dress and not to the tights. Sleek styles like form fitting wool suiting dresses would not work with tights.
Anon
I wouldn’t wear black tights unless I was also wearing a black skirt. If I’m wearing something of another color I tend to default to nude fishnets. For that reason, most of my separates worn on the chilliest days tend to include a black or charcoal skirt. (I have charcoal tights to wear with the charcoal skirt.)
Wendy
I also wear nude fishnets a lot, they go with so many outfits and they last forever (especially Danskins). On really cold days I will wear black or patterned tights depending on what I’m wearing.
Anonymous
tahari seamed A-line dress from Nordstrom.
Attire Question
A law firm made me an offer and I have not yet accepted. They want to take me to dinner tonight. Obviously if we were still in the interview stage, I would wear a suit. But what does one wear to a dinner after an offer has been made but not accepted? Still a suit? Separates? Something else?
In-House in Houston
I would still wear a suit. You don’t know for sure who will be at the dinner (someone could cancel last-minute and be replaced by a new person you haven’t met yet), and you want to make a good first impression if these are your new coworkers. Plus, they’re probably going straight to dinner from the office so they’ll likely be in suits too. You could wear a nice blouse under the jacket and take it off during dinner if you think you’re over-dressed. Better to be over-dressed than under dressed, in my humble opinion.
JayJay
I agree. I think this calls for a non-interview suit. So, it doesn’t have to be navy or black, but it should be a suit.
Bonnie
I’d wear a non-matching but office appropriate dress and jacket.
Anonymous
What city and what is the office dress code? Also, there’s no shame in calling or emailing your recruiting (staff) contact to ask. That said, the worst that can come of wearing a suit is that the people you’re meeting think you’re eager/young- that’s not the end of the world.
Concealer help
I recently started using a BB cream that gives light coverage. But my older, acne prone/marred skin needs more help. I am trying to avoid a heavy foundation for now. I’m in my 40’s and not very good with make-up.
Any concealer you are loving these days? Affordable is appreciated, but I realize one tube can last a long time, so worth it if it’s good. My skin is fair, with red undertones, brown hair/brown hazel eyes. Skin is a little dry.
If you have any tricks to applying, I’m all ears. I need it mostly around the nose/chin.
Anonymous
Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer.. love. The NYX one might be worth a try too.
Sharon
+1 to Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer. OP, if you have a Sephora near you, they can help you match a concealer to your skin tone.
Anonymous
Nars is great.
lawsuited
Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer is very drying though, so not great for dry skin.
The best drugstore concealer I’ve found is Maybelline Fit Me concealer. It’s got good coverage and very creamy, blendable formula. Shades are limited, but you sound like you have the same colouring as me, and I wear 15 Fair.
If you’re willing to spend more, MAC Pro Longwear concealer is full coverage and budgeproof, and MUFE Ultra HD Concealer is medium-full coverage but very natural looking. The benefit of buying a concealer at Sephora is that you can return it if the colour doesn’t turn out to be right or the formula doesn’t work for you.
Calico
I have your exact same issue, redness to cover, and your same coloring. Nars Radiant is nice for under my eyes, but I much prefer Laura Mercier’s Secret Concealer for covering up redness on my nose and cheeks from faded acne.
Tech Comm Geek
I revolutionized my makeup experience by investing a good primer. I was skeptical, but wow has it made life easier. I use the Bare Minerals powder foundation, because it is easy to put on and it doesn’t irritate my very sensitive skin. Adding the primer has done a couple of things: the coverage is more even, and wow does it stay on my skin!
Before primer, I often ended up with minimal makeup left on my skin at the end of the day. I now need to be sure I wash my make up off. I’ve had good luck with both the Laura Mercier primer and the Smashbox primers.
ITDS
What primer are you using?
Wildkitten
Monistat (Seriously. It’s exactly the same as really expensive primer.)
Senior Attorney
+1
I’ve used the expensive Smashbox primer and the Monistat Anti-Chafing Powder Gel is exactly the same for a tiny fraction of the price.
Anonymous
I use Smashbox Pore Minimizing primer without any other foundation or concealer. It evens out those light scars and somehow de/reflects light to make everything look perfect. It lasts forever. You might be able to get a sample at Sephora.
anon
How does it layer? I really like the PoreFector or whatever it’s called from Benefit, but it pills when I swipe on my powder.
Godzilla
My favorite is the clear one from Tarte. No pilling, so good.
Bonnie
No rec for a specific concealer but Tarte’s BB cream is amazing. It’s light and gentle but gives me more coverage than most BB creams.
Bonnie
Reply to concealer help above.
COtoNY
PSA– for a very va-va-voom holiday dress, I just received this (link below) and it is AWESOME. I’ve gained a little weight recently and have been self-conscious, but this dress is incredible flattering and curve hugging while not being overly revealing. The red color is gorgeous, and it’s very comfortable and slightly stretchy, while somehow sort of holding things in place. I’m so excited to have received it and wanted to share.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dress-the-population-stretch-body-con-dress/4320169?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=GARNET
COtoNY
Ugh, incredibly*
sombra
Did it come true to size? I have some of the same concerns as you and I’m looking for a holiday party dress and I really like the color of this one.
COtoNY
I actually expected to need a size larger than I ended up keeping (I kept the medium). I know we try not to discuss sizes on this site but right now I’m an 8 with a small waist and large hips. I don’t mind that it’s tight around my hips. I would say TTS if you’re ok with it fitting quite snugly.
Also, I think the color is slightly darker than it appears on the website, but even more beautiful.
sombra
Thanks for your help!
Beans
I just ordered a similar dress and tried it on last night. http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dress-the-population-emery-sequin-midi-dress/4092075?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK
It was fabulous! Great fit (ordered a size up) and pretty comfortable. This is the second Dress the Population dress I’ve purchased and I’ve been very pleased.
Patterned tights
Recs for work-appropriate patterned tights? I used to stock up at Nordie’s but their selection this year has been very blah. I tend to focus on nude-for-me and gray; I have a ton of black patterned tights. Has to be appropriate for biglaw. TIA.
WoolOvers
Is it just me, or have their prices gone up substantially in the last year?
jc
The NYT is surveying readers about name-change choices after marriage, and it’s reminded me of an idea that might benefit from some feedback.
My partner and I each have different surnames, and we hope to have a child in the not-too-distant future, which raises the question of a surname for the child. Rather than assigning the child either of our surnames, or in hyphenating (which would be clunky), we’re interested in reviving a dormant family name from our grandparents’ generation for the child, thus becoming a three-surname household.
Other than the fact that obviously this will aggravate genealogists, this should be fine, right? I really like the idea of connecting with a family name, and although obviously all the surnames are patronyms anyway, I like the idea that each of us would have our “own” name.
Veronica Mars
That sounds like a headache for the rest of the child’s life. I don’t see the benefit of doing it, but you do you.
jc
Why would it be more of a headache than, say, the child having a surname that only matches one parent? It seems like everything is so documented these days–and family structures so diverse–that no one would bat an eye.
I’m genuinely asking–I know a lot of folks here have navigated this question in their own way, so curious for first-hand experiences.
Veronica Mars
Well, for one it doesn’t match any of the parents, so your kid will have to explain every. single. time. that his or her parent’s gave him a unique last name. Every time. I also personally don’t like the philosophy behind it, because a surname denotes a family group (be it hyphenated, the husband’s name, the maiden name, or a new surname altogether), and instead of doing anything like that, you’re making everyone in your family a collection of individuals via the naming choice. (Would you be the Parker-Smith-Jones family)? That to me bothers me on some level–I think I’d be bummed as a kid not to have any connection to my mom or dad, but to some relative I’ve never met. It’s certainly pushing the boundaries of naming conventions, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but this instance just doesn’t jive with me.
jc
Partner has more than once suggested family tattoos. (Joke, obviously!) :)
Yeah, we talked about a new collective surname but to be honest, neither of us really wants to change our name. I realize that sounds like we’re shirking the paperwork/identity issues ourselves so that we can foist them on an unsuspecting child . . .
Anonymous
Yup.
Anonymous
It sounds like you are pretty self-referenced people who maybe should think carefully about parenthood.
That kid
Yeah I was that kid, and it was a bummer for me. I changed my name when I got married and now have a family name (my husbands) but for a period of time my dad and mom had different surnames from me. It may be different for me b/c at one point we all had the same name (long story), and everyone is different, but don’t underestimate the innate human desire to belong to a group.
jc
That kid, I’m sorry to hear this. Your experience sounds rough–thank you for weighing in.
Anonymous
My honest reaction is that: (1) giving your child a completely different last name creates a distance between you and the kid; and (2) if you want the kid to be a special snowflake just give him an unusual/meaningful first name.
Anonymous
Literally everyone will bat an eye at just picking a random name neither parent has!!!! It’s bizarre and unusual. If you want to do it I think it can work, but don’t pretend it will be totes not an issue. That kid is going to spend the rest of its life explaining “mommy and daddy had special feelings about my name and neither would compromise so they just made something up.”
Yesssss
“Well, for one it doesn’t match any of the parents, so your kid will have to explain every. single. time. that his or her parent’s gave him a unique last name. Every time.”
+1,000,000
Do not underestimate the giant PIA Factor that goes along with unique/hard to say/hard to spell/hard to explain names. I know that some people embrace them, but as the owner of one of these names, I really wish my parents named me Jane Smith and left the creativity to me to define/develop as I grew and matured, and not let that start at my name, of which I had no choosing.
Yesssss
I should say, a unique/hard to say/hard to spell/hard to explain name that doesn’t have a natural explanation, like ones family heritage/culture. Picking a random name for the sheer sake of being different is what I take issue with.
jc
Yeah, this definitely wouldn’t be hard to say or spell. (My name is, which is why I’m not interested in passing it on.) I guess I am surprised at the interpretations that this is an effort at creativity, because that hasn’t been a motivation. It’s more this calculus:
giving the kid its father’s name is patriarchal and assumes complicated gender politics —> mother’s name is unwieldy (and not in any danger of dying out) —> using a dormant family name connects kid to earlier generations (including a broader family network), resurrects a lovely (and simple) surname, and doesn’t participate in any household gender assumptions
bridget
Except giving your child your husband’s last name, in this particular situation, isn’t patriarchal.
It’s a feminist issue when there’s no choice but for a woman to change her last name, an assumption that she will, and of course the kids get dad’s name. But when the father’s name makes the most sense for your family, that’s not the patriarchy!
If you had the easy last name, would your kids have it? If the answer is yes, give them that last name, because it’s about the name, not the chromosomes of the person who has it.
Anonymous
“household gender assumptions”? You do realize that like 99% of households do this, right? Not because we’re cowed women but because it is EASIER and promotes consistency. You don’t want to take the easy route, fine, but you come across as a character from Portlandia. One of the annoying ones.
jc
::shrug::
I hope that everybody on this board has the luxury of making the choices that make the most sense for them and their families. In my family, that means considering this unorthodox option. I value the thoughtful input here from people who have different perspectives on the question and have experienced how it impacts family identity or logistics. I am not concerned with whether it’s annoying to anyone who isn’t part of that family identity.
nutella
jc, personally, I think you and your family should do what you think is right for you and your family.
But as for your comment above, you DID ask an intern3t board for their thoughts and opinions and now say you are not concerned whether it is annoying to anyone who isn’t part of the family. To that end, some who have been parts of families like that have voiced their opinion, too. So I guess I’m not sure why you bothered to ask and then say you didn’t ask. Anyway, my opinion is do whatever you want.
Anon
No people will bat eyes, so you will need to decide whether you are willing to deal with it. You get significantly fewer questions when your name matches your kid’s – from daycare, doctor’s offices, schools, and in social situations, and right or wrong, you may need to provide documentation to prove you are a parent, whereas they wouldn’t require it from someone whose names matched. I initially didn’t plan on changing my name to my husbands, but this was one of several factors that later made me change my mind.
AIMS
That really makes me sad. Not judging. You do what’s best for you. But I hate to think that people change their names when they hadn’t intended to just to give to societal gender norms/because it’s easier. You mention several factors, so there’s probably more to your decision – but i have heard people say similar things before and it always makes me depressed.
For OP, I think it’s a great idea. I grew up in a somewhat unorthodox situation and my parents just made it feel cool, like I was special to be a little different. I think you can easily do it. And so many women have different last names from their kids now – I don’t think it will matter that your kid will have a “third” name vs. your husband’s. Most people will just assume it’s your husband’s.
Two more thoughts: 1) as far as travel, it’s hardly a hardship to keep a picture of the birth certificate on your phone (or bring a copy – seriously, it’s not heavy); 2) you could all change your last name to third option.
jc
+1 to AIMS’ first paragraph.
Anon2
My kids don’t have my last name and it has never, ever, not even once been an issue at school, the pediatrician’s office, international travel, you name it. Don’t create false narratives here.
Anon
+1 to all of this. Exact same experience here, with kids in grade school. The only people who have given me the least bit of grief on having different last names are the in-laws, but that’s a different story!
jc
Thanks, Anon2. I wonder how much of this may also be shaped by what is most common in our individual communities.
Anon2
Maybe. I happened to talk to my sister just now. Her teen daughters have their bio dad’s last name. She and her now-husband have the same last name as each other, different from the kids. The bio dad is out of the picture (deadbeat) so the girls are raised 100% by their mom and step dad, with whom they don’t share a surname. I asked if it had ever been a problem for them. She said no, not once. Mid size city, red state.
So many kids have different names than their parents, mostly due to divorce. Schools and other institutions know how to deal with it.
I wouldn’t make this a significant factor in your decision making.
Jo March
+1 to what AIMS said
ezt
Well if you want depressing, AIMS, I changed my last name to my husband’s because I assumed that my long ethnic last name was costing me all sorts of invisible harms/ lost opportunities (in addition to various daily irritations because people are really the worst). And if my significantly improved professional success since then is any indication I was quite right.
AIMS
@ ezt – I know! I have long suspected that as well. Somehow though that bothers me less. Maybe because that’s a problem that applies to men and women equally.
Marshmallow
EZT and AIMS– I changed from a very Anglo surname (think Smith or Miller) to a unique, hard-to-spell, “ethnic” last name. So.many.people. now try to start conversations about my name. I can’t yet speak to whether it will affect my career, but I realized what a luxury it is to have a name that nobody ever even thinks about.
lawsuited
If the child has it’s mother’s/father’s last name, the child or father/mother only have to explain the difference in name some of the time, and the explanation is “my mother’s/father’s last name is [child’slastname]” or “my spouse’s last name is [child’slastname]” which is pretty simple for people to understand than.
That said, I think OP and her spouse should do whatever they like.
ehh
Normally I’m really a you-do-you person, but this sounds like a pointless stressor to place on your kid’s shoulders just so that you can indulge a sentimental whim. Why not make the family name the kid’s middle name, if it sounds decent? You honor the family connection but with none of the downsides.
Remember, it’s the two of you who want to connect with this family heritage- not your kid (who realistically will have an even more tenuous emotional connection to your grandparent’s generation than you do). If you really want to revive this connection, focus on revisiting family history, or reaching out to older family members, or undertaking some documentation project. Something with substance, rather than just designating your kid as a symbol.
Anonymous
“Remember, it’s the two of you who want to connect with this family heritage- not your kid (who realistically will have an even more tenuous emotional connection to your grandparent’s generation than you do).” This.
Anonymous
+ so many
lawsuited
Based on my own experience, it may well be the case that using this old family name is the only compromise OP and her spouse can both feel good about. Not everyone cares about last names, but for those who do, this topic can be a landmine.
Anonymous
But it would be a totes adorbs symbol of gender equality. RAWR!
Sharon
What a cool idea! I am of the belief that you can do whatever you want. “Good for you, not for me!” (from Amy Poehler’s Yes Please). Folks assign their kiddos all kinds of first names. If a surname is of the same weight for you and your partner, then why not?
EM
If I were a child, I might get the sense that I don’t “belong” to either of my parents.
On the other hand, I could be a miniature rebel who thinks this kind of uniqueness is so f*ckin’ awesome and I have the coolest parents.
blueberries
You might look into whether you’d need to travel (especially internationally) with the birth certificate to show that you and partner are the parents.
jc
Ooh, good point. Any idea where I might find this information? I know that in our state a child’s name doesn’t need to have any relation to its parents (birth or adoptive), but we haven’t looked into travel laws.
Lazy lawyer
We travel with a copy of our child’s birth certificate as a matter of habit — at first it was to show that she was under 2 so that we did not have to pay for a seat, and now we just keep a copy in her little travel backpack. It’s not a big deal at all. She has a different last name than me and it has never been an issue.
jc
Thanks, Lazy lawyer. This seems reasonable and not onerous.
OcCounsel
I would suggest that you bring an ORIGINAL birth certificate if travelling internationally. I once got caught with an immigration agent who would not accept a copy (fortunately I had both).
Anonymous
I don’t see how this would be any more complicated than a mom traveling alone with a kid who doesn’t share her name, which is obviously something that plenty of people deal with. Having the kid + both parents match is obviously easiest, but once you have the kid not match one parent, it doesn’t make it any more complicated travel-wise to have the kid not match either parent.
jc
This is what I was thinking.
AIMS
I think there are lots of “reasons” (excuses?) we make up to do the traditional thing. “It’s easier because how will anyone ever know this is my child!” is one of them. FWIW, I’ve travelled internationally with other people’s children, without their parents, and even that has never been an issue.
EM
Just wanted to add that the paperwork may dodge you for the rest of your life.
I have a good friend who married a man who changed his entire name from something generic to something obviously Arabic or Muslim. His mother gave her DIL, my friend, a car. It took an entire day at Motor Vehicles to sort out this paperwork as my friend needed proof of her husband’s name change (to link him to his mother), her marriage certificate, and her name change, and for reasons I don’t remember, there were still issues.
jc
Hoo boy. Yipes!
South Asian
Honestly, this is nbd. In Bangladesh, every person in the family has a different first, middle, and last name. Everyone single person. And then some dynastic families, all of the men have the same first and last names with different middle names. And then nobody uses their legal names anyways and go by completely unrelated nicknames. The whole “family” last name thing is a Very European Thing.
jc
Thanks, South Asian! This is a useful perspective. (We are Very European.)
HQB
Not even all of Europe, either. In Iceland they use patronymics/matronymics, so a family could be: Jakob Albertson (dad), Eva Aronsdottir (mom), Bjork Jakobsdottir (daughter), Margret Evasdottir (daughter), and Jon Evasson (son). And in Russia most last names have both a male and a female form, so a family could be Ivan Markov (dad), Natasha Borisova (wife), Vladimir Markov (son), and Valentina Markova (daughter).
And I know people who didn’t share last names with either of their parents. Sometimes because of divorces/remarriages, sometimes just because, sometimes because the parents made up a hybrid name (e.g. mom’s last name was Albertson, dad’s was Hoberman, kids’ was Alberman).
Anonymous
I’m anon because this will out me, but my husband and I and our kiddo have a 3 surname household. His, Mine, and kiddo has a Hybrid name (we combined His and Mine). It is completely fine. Some places will default to His Name for kiddo, but it’s an easy correction (literally, “Kiddo’s last name is Hybrid”). We’ve flown domestically with kiddo and it is not a problem.
Only a handful of people have said things to us like “oh, that’s interesting” (not in a “that’s really cool!” way) or “you know, you’ll be known as Hybrid now” but I don’t really care what they think. This made sense for our family.
jc
This is awesome! No need to answer in detail (or at all) if this will out you further, but is Hybrid recognizably derived from YourName and HisName? We’ve discussed trying to come up with something similar out of our two surnames but they’re quite ethnically different, so the only combos that are recognizably hybrids are pretty unwieldy.
Anonymous
Why can’t you hyphenate?
jc
Totally could! But also unwieldy.
Anonymous
Yes, Hybrid is recognizable from His and Mine. Think like, “McDonald” and “Smith” and the result is “McSmith.”
Anonymous
Also, we’ve adopted the Hybrid last name as a Family name, like “Happy Holidays from The McSmiths,” so there is a unifying aspect to that.
anonymous
One thing to think about is people writing checks to your kid’s name. I come from a culture that is big on gifting money. I have some relatives (and their kids) with more ethnic names and am never sure if their legal name is their ethnic name or if it is their “American” name. Sometimes it is a sounds-alike, but sometimes it is something altogether different. (Picture someone whose parents call him Sung-Jin but who introduces himself as Kevin). I know this is a last name scenario and gifting money to your kid may be big in your family / social circle, but this comes up like 4 times a year for me when I don’t have time to get cash out.
Anon
I was in a similar situation with two different ethnicity last names. Ideally we would have blended, but it didn’t work, so we chose a new similar name for our whole family. His family took it INCREDIBLY hard, they took it as a rejection even though he has a brother who can “carry on” the name and a sister who changed her name. The paperwork was annoying, but not nearly as hard as the family backlash.
I care very deeply that my children have the same last name as ME (regardless of dad/husband’s last name) but didn’t want to isolate my husband. This was a compromise. His family got over it more or less, I still would have been the heathen who “stole” their son even without this.
jc
Anon @ 11:26, this sounds so hard. I hope the new family name has been good for your family and that your in-laws have mellowed!
A brand-new name is also an option for us, but I think my husband is less interested in that prospect than in the three different names.
Name Changer
Anticipated / promised family backlash was a HUGE factor in my decision to change my name. Huge. Also a huge factor in the twinges of regret I occasionally feel. I’m hoping it will get better when we have kids and I can be happy we all have the same family name.
help!
I think this is cool. You do you. You know what ties your kid to you? Your relationship. Your genes. You don’t need a name to do that. That’s just a social construct, and if it’s not important to you to share the same name, then do what you’d like! I actually like this idea and may appropriate it when we have kids.
Legally Brunette
We did this for the first year of my kid’s life, but different circumstances. My husband was in the process of changing his last name (long story) but the paperwork was not finalized by the time my child was born. But since husband knew that he was going to change his last name, my son was born with that changed last name. And I kept my maiden name. So we had three different last names for a while.
People asked about it frequently (the preschool, friends, etc.). Not in a bad way, but sort of an incredulous way (why the heck do your kids have different last names than you guys?). You can certainly do it but just be prepared that you will get a lot of questions about it. I personally really like the fact that my kids now have my husband’s last name.
Anonymous
If that’s what you truly want to do, do it. Since you asked, it is a little unorthodox and I don’t love the idea of it (why do you each need your own last name? what is the point?), but for all I know you’re the Butts-Weiner family and are doing this child a great service. If I loved the new last name that much, I’d probably change mine so that it would match – but if your goal is simply to connect to a family name, you guys already have two of them. If you’re worried about it being fair if the kid matches one name and not the other, I think you will not necessarily care about that after the kid arrives.
Emmer
Honestly I think this is a little nuts. Everyone is going to ask your kid why his/her last name is different, and the only explanation he/she will be able to offer is “My parents couldn’t decide or didn’t feel like giving me one of their last names, so they used my [insert relative here]’s last name.” Just saying “I have [relative’s] last name” doesn’t make any sense, or it may cause others to assume that he/she is actually the child of a relative that you are raising (not that there would be anything wrong with that, but it could make the child feel alienated since it isn’t the case).
AIMS
How about: “It’s a family last name. My parents didn’t want to favor one of their names over the other so they created a unique solution.” I’d think that was cool.
nutella
I’m curious- isn’t the last name from one of your sides, though? So it would still be favoring one side over the other?
PrettyPrimadonna
This was my question…
jc
Good point on “I have [relative’s] name.”
Anonymous
I think it’s a little weighty to put on your kid the idea that he/she couldn’t have their father’s last name because of gender politics. But what these always come down to is: Of course people are going to judge you no matter what decision you make (because people are kind of The Worst about things outside of the “cultural norm”). They’ll make assumptions. You’ll have to explain. Literally any of the choices, (1) kid gets father’s surname, (2) kid gets mother’s surname (3) kid gets hyphenated surname or (4) kid gets ancestral surname, will result in judgment and assumption. Y’all will just have to decide which version of the judgment and assumption you want to deal with and which you’ll be best able to explain to your future child.
jc
This is a good point. Thanks!
Godzilla
This. Do what you want OP, screw everyone’s opinions.
jc
RAWR. :)
To be honest I was mostly expecting, like, legal suggestions around stuff like travel. The opinions are an unexpected bonus.
Anonymous
I mean….she specifically asked for opinions. It’s a wee bit disconcerting she’s more worried about aggravating genealogists than how her future child might be affected. Or that it didn’t even occur to her the child might be affected by her position on this. Sigh.
Anonymous
This. This is one of those details that I think people get way more worked up about than is necessary these days. I just don’t get why adhering to a particular set of naming conventions is so. freaking. important. to people or why the fact that people will ask you to explain it means you shouldn’t do it. People ask me what my tattoo means to. I don’t think that was a reason not to get it.
lawsuited
Our children will live under the weight of gender politics regardless of how we name them, so tackling traditions and assumptions to advance the conversation around gender politics now rather than passing on that problem to our children to deal with is admirable (I think).
Anonymous
Why not change all of your names at the same time? (A friend of mine did this.) Obviously there are drawbacks to this as well, but if you feel strongly enough about it…
I generally concur with the people who say that this will be a PITA for the kid at some point, if not forever.
Anonymous
She said she doesn’t want to do the paperwork for herself. So basically, she’s cool with inflicting the different name burden on the kid but she can’t be bothered to do the paperwork to alleviate the burden. Either she’s selfish or she just wants the kid to have a different last name for look-at-my-family-we’re-so-different factor. Either way, I’m glad I’m not this kid.
jc
Hoo boy. The paperwork is not really the problem–I was being glib. The problem is that I have a name, and so does my partner, and we’re a family regardless. So we could certainly all three have a new name if that were the best option for us, as has been described by some other posters here, but so far that hasn’t seemed like it would make the most sense.
Godzilla
Seriously???? You don’t even know OP. That’s just rude. I don’t see why she has to change her name in order to give her baby a different last name. Because YOU said so?
Anon
I kept my maiden name and our kids have my husband’s last name, with my last name as one of their two middle names. In hindsight, we wish we’d given one of the kids my last name. In fact, my husband had this thought. His last name is very common. Mine is slightly more unusual, though not exotic. Just a thought for you as you consider these things.
And by the way, it has never ever been a problem that my last name is different from my kids’ last name, so I wouldn’t worry about that aspect at all.
jc
Thank you for that reassurance, Anon@11:29!
Sarabeth
I’m surprised at the negative vibe of the responses so far. Our kids have a different last name from either me or my husband. In our case, it’s a mash-up (think: Smith + Stanwick = Smithwick), so I guess it’s easier for people to see what the connection is, but we’ve never gotten anything but positive comments on it.
I also know folks who changed all of their names to an entirely new last name – not sure if that’s something you’d be interested in.
jc
I really do love the mash-up idea, but all the combos we’ve come up with have been . . . not good. (Though not quite Butts-Weiner as above!) Maybe we should revisit this notion.
Senior Attorney
I’m also surprised at the negativity. I think it’s fine.
Although I do love the mash-up/brand new name for everybody options even more.
Anonymous
Probably because the ones who roll their eyes at this nonsense are too polite to verbalize it.
Sarabeth
Maybe, but given that I care approximately 0% about their unsolicited opinion on my child’s last name, that’s good enough for me. As long as the Judgy McJudgersons keep their opinions to themselves, I don’t care what rude thoughts they are having in their heads.
(Although, really, since when have the qualities of “oddly judgmental about other people’s life choices” and “polite enough to keep my opinions to myself” been known to go hand in hand?)
Godzilla
Good for you. And ftr, I couldn’t give a flying f9ck what last name people give their babies.
Anon
Wow. I’m another person who is very surprised at the number of strong negative reactions to the OP’s proposal. It sounds like the proposal may make sense for the OP’s family, and the potential issues that have been raised don’t seem particularly problematic. Love makes a family. Names, not so much.
Scarlett
Me too. Maybe it’s regional, and I live in my SF bubble, but it wouldn’t ever occur to me to ask why a kid had a different last name from a parent. Maybe consider where you live or plan to as I’m really thinking this has regional cultural aspects to it.
Anonymous
I think it works if you and partner hypenate, so:
Parent 1/2 = First Name BirthLastName-NewLastName
Kid = FirstName NewLastName
Don’t love the idea of each of you having your own name
ChiLaw
I didn’t take my husband’s last name. When I check into hotels and say he’ll be joining me, I am often offered two beds. He’s been called my “roommate” even after I say “husband.” Once people figure it out, THEY are embarrassed because they clearly weren’t listening.
Your family is your family, your names are your names. Sometimes people will look askance or make incorrect assumptions, but I doubt it will be a big deal.
Let's all help reduce Breitbart's revenue:
1.) Go to Breitbart (dot) com. [I know, ugh, but keep going.]
2.) Find a Google AdSense ad. It will have a teal triangle and an X in its upper righthand corner.
3.) Click on the triangle.
4.) Click “Ad choices.”
5.) On the Google page that loads, click “learn more” in the text toward the bottom.
6.) A page loads called About Google Ads. Scroll down and click to “Leave feedback on the website you just saw.”
7.) You are given a choice between “the website” and “the ads.” Choose “the website.”
8.) Check the box saying that the website (Breitbart) promotes racial intolerance.
9.) Click submit!
And if you’re moved to, copy and paste this post on your own profile.
Anonymous
done!
Anon
Funny how when someone posted here complaining about the ACLU representing hate groups everyone jumped all over that person because “free speech!” and “everyone has the right to say what they want” but when stuff like this gets posted or people talk about shutting down anyone who didn’t vote for Hillary or who goes to pro-Donald rallies no one says anything. Such hypocrisy.
nasty woman
What funny is that you don’t understand this at all and yet feel free to browbeat other people. Why don’t you do some basic research on the First Amendment and how it works. Reading it alone should clear up the “hypocrisy” for you.
Oh, here, I’ll do it for you: The First Amendment prohibits government restrictions on speech. That’s the issue the ACLU deals with. Most people, including the women here, support free speech even if they don’t agree with that speech. Thus, the ACLU’s actions are supported. Private citizens commenting on other people’s words or actions is in no way related to this issue whatsoever. Further, people here aren’t criticizing the fact that people are saying things they disagree with, they’re criticizing the actual ideas people are expressing.
Anonymous
+ 1 million
Marshmallow
+ 1000000000000000000000000000
anon
Yep, well said.
A bit late in the day, but I had to comment to say that your comments surrounding the election have been my absolute favorite. So clear and concise and to the point.
anon
+1 why I am often disappointed here and vanish for a time
ANONN
Bye! Nobody will miss you.
Anonymous
Hopefully you vanish to spend time reading up on what free speech actually means (hint – it doesn’t mean that people are obligated to support websites (breitbart) that they disagree with)
Lana
Everyone has the right to say what they want and everyone has the right to make money saying what they want. That said, they don’t have to get my money or Google’s money. There is nothing wrong with helping Google decide what it wants to do. It doesn’t shut down Breitbart’s right to say anything.
Anonymous
Nobody is “shutting down” Breitbart or interfering with their freedom of speech. We’re just communicating to Google that we have no interest in supporting them. That’s in no way inconsistent with the belief that even the most vile hate speech is legal and people should have the freedom to say/do whatever they want. Free speech means you have a right to say whatever you want, not that that what you say won’t have any consequences.
Anon
Hypocrisy? Free speech is not the same thing as a right to be supported by advertising money.
ACLU would defend Breitbart’s right to say all the vile things they say, and they would also defend my right to write to advertisers disagreeing with their support for Breitbart.
Jeez, turn off Fox News and take a civics class.
OP here....
Yes, this. +1 million
S
done! and thank you!
LE Canvas
Has anyone bought anything from Land’s End Canvas, and/or specifically this dress: http://www.landsend.com/products/womens-sleeveless-fluted-skirt-dress/id_302365?sku_0=::JBK
I normally don’t because LE runs super big but I know Canvas is their more fitted/youthful line. I am debating breaking my boycott of the company, unrelated to their large fit, to get this dress because it’s just too hard to find classic wool dresses nowadays, especially at this price. But I don’t know what size to get. Anyone try this?
Anonymous
Get your regular size. LE doesn’t run “super big” it runs a little big, and that really more due to more generous cuts based on the demographic they are aiming for. The reviews on the dress inidicate it is TTS or a little small, which to me says your regular size is fine. If you are worried about fit, get two (normal size and one smaller).
Parfait
Just click on Size Chart, then Item Dimensions. They have the exact measurement of the exact garment.
There’s no need for guesswork here.
sombra
holiday party statement necklace ideas / suggestions / links / psychic messages? I will most likely be wearing black and would like to dress it up in some way. My daily jewelry is subtle / small silver pieces.
Delta Dawn
Do you have time to run by Forever21 or H&M? They have a lot of selection for fun jewelry like that, and at a great price point if you’ll only wear it a couple of times. I would do a big chunky black and silver crystal necklace. Or if you want to be extra-holiday, you could do a simple black outfit and wear a red necklace.
Here is a red one:
https://www.statementbaubles.com/ruby-red-crystal-encrusted-pave-teardrop-holidays-statement-necklace-silver
CMT
I got a gold, spiky-looking necklace from H&M just last weekend to wear with all black at a holiday party.
pugsnbourbon
Maybe bigger/bolder silver pieces? A couple of Etsy shops with good options:
Otis Jaxon (wide range of price points)
BlueHour Designs (still delicate, but larger scale if that makes sense)
Anonymous
Ugh. I found out yesterday that the guy I’ve been dating for 6 months voted for Jill Stein because he “couldn’t stomach” HRC or Trump. We live in Michigan. I’m disappointed and now I’m having second thoughts.
Anonymous
Gross. Sorry.
anon
I know everyone has a right to their opinion, but I just have so many issues with your guy’s stance. First of all, the viable alternatives (Stein and Johnson) were awful candidates. Absolutely awful. Second, I understand someone disliking Hillary (though I think most of the reasons people dislike her are overblown/false/sexist) but I can’t stand when someone says they couldn’t stomach ‘Trump or Hillary”, because that puts their faults on the same level. Their faults are not even in the same dimension.
Anonymous
Ughhhh. So sorry.
Anon
I know at least a half dozen guys who claim they would welcome a woman president but couldn’t bring themselves to vote for Hillary so voted for Stein. How cute that you are willing to vote for a woman who has zero chance of becoming president! Good for you! Would you like a parade for your brave choice? How about a commemorative coin?
I wouldn’t date any of these guys. They’re poseurs.
Anonymous
Ugh, yes. I am so over the “I’m not sexist! I voted for Jill Stein” arguments.
Anon
I’m sick of the ‘every single person who didn’t vote for HRC is a misogynistic sexist because the only reason anyone voted against her is because a woman, there’s were no other reasons’ argument.
(I voted for HRC but I recognize that some people voted against her for reasons that have nothing to do with her being a woman)
Anonymous
Did I say everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary is sexist? No. I understand that there are valid reasons people supported other candidates. What I said is that there is a logical flaw in the argument that voting for a woman (especially one who had a 0.00% chance of winning) automatically makes you not sexist. Sexism doesn’t have to mean you hate all women. It’s much more nuanced to that, and frequently involves holding women to different standards than men. A person who supports progressive ideals and is generally in alignment with the Democratic party platform, but thinks Hillary and Trump are equally terrible is holding women to a different standard than men, no two ways about it.
Anon
Absolutely, 100% agree with Anonymous.
And anyway, we are talking about dating and relationships. Can I be casual work friends with someone who voted third party or Trump (same thing, realistically)? Yeah. Would I be willing to date one of them? Absolutely not. This is what we call a deal breaker.
ehh
Literally no one on this thread made this argument. Calm yourself and focus on your reading comprehension.
Anonny
To Anon at 11:58am – voting trump and third party is NOT the same thing realistically. We have a broken system in which HRC won the popular vote and trump still won. Not all people who voted third party were sexist pigs (not denying some were though, believe me). If the election was based solely on citizens votes she would have still won with those same third party voters. But yes, if you voted trump youre complicit in bigotry – plain and simple.
Anon
It WAS realistically the same thing in this election, particularly in states like Michigan.
Anonymous
This brings me to something I wanted to ask:
How are you dealing with relationships in your life after the election?
At a holiday party this weekend, the conversation got to health insurance costs, and the host said ‘good thing I voted for Trump’ and asked if we did. We said ‘absolutely not’. Apparently some of them had never spoken with HRC voters (this is Texas) and seemed to want to have a reasoned conversation. However, it of course deteriorated. Because (1) Liar (2) Benghazi (3) Emails and distant (4) WJC (5) Speaking engagement fees (6) She “hates Americans’.
I know these same conversations played out from Thanksgiving on, but how do you manage people that you don’t want out of your lives? We have a lot of dear neighbors who look out for us, are otherwise wonderful people and loving pet owners, etc. But I am having trouble getting past it and am hiding out from them for now because I’m not ready. This makes me a sore loser I guess!
Senior Attorney
Ugh.
I have a close work colleague who claims he held his nose and voted for HRC but has wanted to tease me about Trump and I have had to tell him “Too soon, man. Too soon.” I think it’s fine to say “I’m not able/ready to talk about it” and hopefully people will respect that.
Red State
I’m also in a red state and have just chosen not to discuss it. We can’t control what other people say; we can only control our reaction. Even a reasoned conversation is probably going to deteriorate, so I just try not to let it get to that point by avoiding it entirely. Change the subject, go refresh my drink, go to the bathroom, escape however I can.
emeralds
I think there’s a fine line–you have to be willing to discuss your views with people if we’re ever going to bring our country closer together. I have two family members who voted for Trump. I’ll never talk politics with my dad–we’re too far apart and we have too much emotional baggage to ever sit down and have a rational discussion. But I can talk to my aunt, since she’s what I would call a true fiscal conservative, and we don’t have the baggage.
She was also asking me about where to look for help for her undocumented workers on Thanksgiving, since she “thought he’d tone down the rhetoric.” I know how much her two employees mean to her and so I’d specifically asked her a few months ago how she could support Trump, with what he was promising to do to people exactly like them. She said she was sure he’d come back towards the center on his immigration rhetoric. I would have enjoyed the schadenfreude of the Thanksgiving convo a lot more if there weren’t human lives at stake.
nutella
I’ve had difficulty. I feel small and like I am less important professionally, which is hard in a male-dominated industry even though I really like my male coworkers. It feels like Trump is voicing what everyone around me is actually thinking and that has been difficult.
We were meant to have a double date this weekend with a couple (the guys are originally friends but we have become “couple friends” over the years) and I want to back out for now. The morning after the election she posted on facebook a “just because I’m a white woman who voted for Trump doesn’t make me a racist/ s3xist even though I didn’t like him” message and it just seemed so… tonedeaf? The statement itself sort of contradicts itself (why vote for him if you found him ‘disgusting’ when there were other candidates?) but it also just seemed like the time for listening and figuring out what happens next and not for “don’t blame me, sure I voted for him but I didn’t like him either! /please don’t call me a bigot” It took every ounce in me not to write “But at best you condoned an adult who should know better saying racist and s3xist things, right?” I just unfollowed her. And need some distance before a couple date. I’m not sure how long that will be.
anon
I don’t have an answer but wanted to commiserate. I am getting my hair done tonight (and I will be there for quite some time), and I think my stylist is a Fake News person :(
Anonymous
I don’t want anyone that voted from Trump in my life so that sort of solves it for me.
In general, using personal experiences is more effective vs. debating policy ideas. So talk about personal experiences that lead you to support HRC and vote against DJT. Talk about your college roommate who was hispanic or your co-worker who is Muslim. Personalize the people affected by DJT’s hate rhetoric. Reference his denigration of Purple Heart families and POWs. Talk about friends or family who are vets and what they’ve been through. Emphasize that you couldn’t support someone who doesn’t respect veterans/active military (e.g. announcing that he knows ‘more than the generals’). Talk about how you pay your taxes because roads and military and police and teachers are important and you don’t like that he didn’t pay taxes for years and was proud of it.
Anon
I understand the frustration towards third party voters but 49% of the country didn’t even vote and up until the election day literally every news outlet said she would win no question. Additionally, HRC still won the popular vote so third party voters were not the sole or even primary reason Trump won this election imo.
Full disclosure – I’m a progressive who voted Bernie in the primaries but voted for HRC in a historically blue state because I didnt want to risk Trump.
Anonymous
The number of Stein votes in MI, WI and PA were greater than the difference between her and Trump and with those three states she would have won the electoral college. I understand the argument that Stein voters might have stayed home or written in a name instead, but if they had all voted for Hillary, yes, it would absolutely have changed the outcome of the election. I’m not sure what the fact that HRC won the popular vote has to do with anything.
nasty woman
+1
I’m surprised that this hasn’t gotten more attention in the grueling autopsy of this election.
Anonymous
That is correct for MI and WI but not PA. Trump won PA by 1.3%, while Stein only received .8%.
CMT
And I wonder how many of those 49% were disenfranchised in some way . . . Do you think it’s a coincidence that this is the first presidential election without the full protections of the Voting Rights Act?
Anonymous
Wow…how close minded are you? If you can’t objectively look at this election and agree that every single candidate was flawed in some way, then you have clearly not been following politics closely. HRC ran for President as the front runner once already–and she was rejected as soon as the next best thing showed up–hello President Obama! This year was no different–frontrunner–Bernie shows up and monkey wrenches her coronation. She is and was a seriously flawed and vulnerable candidate as was every other candidate. If a vote for Jill Stein is a deal breaker for you, then you need to take a serious look in the mirror because you are as much a part of the problem as Trump, Stein et al. This was a very good year to vote against the absurdity of the two party system and both Trump and HRC gave multiple reasons for not voting for either one of them. This election stunk all the way around and I can respect why anyone voted for anyone–the reasons for those votes are there whether we want to admit it or not.
nutella
No politician is perfect. But the only realistic way to stop a Trump presidency in November 2016 was to vote FOR Clinton. Plain and simple.
Anonymous
This. This. This.
Minnie Beebe
Can you please explain your Bernie = Frontrunner comment? Because HRC did win the most votes in the primaries, by a significant margin. And of course won the most delegates. He may have done well in a number of primaries, but he fell behind rather quickly.
CMT
This is so funny to me. You Bernie Bros can proclaim all you want that he would have won because of course there’s no way to disprove that. But nice job trolling.
Anonymous
Er, have you asked him why he voted for Stein? I think you ought to before you decide to dump him over it.
My boyfriend voted for Johnson. He and I discussed who we were voting for before the election, and we both agreed that Johnson wasn’t a great candidate, but BF had valid reasons (which I’m not interested in defending to this crowd and won’t go into) for disliking a number of HRC’s positions. In fact I agreed with most of the things he didn’t like about her. I just voted for her anyway. He didn’t. I don’t think his vote made any difference in my state (it was going red regardless) but I also don’t think that matters. He had logical, thought out reasons for voting the way he did and I respect those reasons and his right to his own opinion.
Also, as Anon at 12:20 pointed out, 49% of the country basically voted “none of the above”. I don’t think refusing to interact with everyone who didn’t vote the way you did is productive.
Anon
Agreed.
Erin S
Does anyone have a home office/work space in their bedroom? Right now we have an office/guest room combo (I work from home 2-3 days a week during the week). But in the next few months we are converting the room to a new nursery and sadly I have to move my home office into our master bedroom. Wondering if anyone has tips/advice on how to make a home office/master bedroom work. We have a rather large bedroom so the desk will easily fit in there.
Cb
Could you use a room divider? I think it would bother me to wake up and have my workplace in my line of site.
Veronica Mars
Yes, that would be helpful. I’d also recommend looking for a small nook or cranny elsewhere. My last office in my studio was actually in the extended area leading up to my bathroom, which ending up being just enough space for a small desk and chair (originally it was a space for a vanity). I’d look into your dining room if you have one as another good office alternative.
Anonymous
Strongly recommend either a cabinet for your files/work stuff, or a secretary desk, so that your work stuff can be physically Put Away when you’re not using it.
Veronica Mars
Or a vintage roll-top desk if you’re into the look. I find most secretaries aren’t really designed for extended desk use while a roll top is more comfortable.
Dulcinea
Google “closet desk” and you will find lots of ideas. You could replace one if your closets with an armoire and put the desk in the closet where you can shut the door on it when it’s not in use.
help!
I’ve been having persistent soreness around and right under my clavicle for the past 4-5 weeks now, and I don’t know how to get rid of it! I do lift weights, but my routine hasn’t changed, and I took a week off and nothing improved. It improves with yoga/stretching, which I do twice a day now (when I wake up and before I go to bed) but never goes away. It’s worse in the morning, but my husband says there’s nothing different about how I’m sleeping. Has anyone else experienced this?
I should add that I was really sore all over for a few days around the 3rd week of that period from overtraining, but I took some time off and all the other soreness went away except this.
Anonymous
Possibly a tight pec minor? Something similar happened to me but it can manifest up and down your arm and chest. Try a lacrosse ball in your pec minor against a door frame/yoga block/the floor for 2 minutes (you can google ways to get in to this area)
I’d also really just suggest seeing a chiro/PT who also does ART for a diagnosis.
Anonymous
Agree — sounds like pec minor to me. Do you sleep on your side? I have tight pecs from rock climbing and also sleep on my side, which seems to aggravate it. I also find that yoga classes, while helpful, don’t necessarily target pecs, which are fiddly to stretch. I would try using a tennis or lacrosse ball on them as well. Sort of tuck it under your clavicle and roll around on it around your armpit and wherever else is tight.
Anonymous
Sorry — realize that description of how to use the ball may not have been that clear. I actually lie down on top of it and move my body around over it so it’s rolling under me, if that makes sense.
help!
thanks guys!
anon
This happened to me and I think my AC joint in my shoulder was off and pinching it? Either way if stretching, rest etc doesn’t help, go to a good chiro.
funny question
Thoughtful present for co-worker (male) who’s really, really into cooking and has helped me out a lot this year? I don’t want to spend a lot, maybe just $20, because he’s a co-worker and he’d be embarrassed by more, but I want to say thanks. He loves to cook all cuisines, and I think he has enough sources and ideas of his own that a cookbook wouldn’t be helpful. He’s a knife connoisseur and is always talking about sharpening them and driving here and there to find people who do the best sharpening, etc.
BabyAssociate
If you know he’s interested in learning how to sharpen his own knives, you could get a whetstone. That kind of seems like a gamble though if you don’t know he’d be into that. I’d stick to a nice finishing salt, olive oil, or spices. I love to cook and would very much appreciate any of those.
COtoNY
Anything that would help sharpen to his standards would be more than $20, and he probably already owns.
I love to cook, and therefore already have most tools/books that I want. Things I enjoy receiving are gourmet ingredients– cool salts, interesting jarred items (I recently received a bottled apple cider reduction that I thought was really cool), unique spice mixes, etc. Things I can consume and don’t have to hold space for permanently. The Northwoods Fire spice mix from Penzey’s is really great.
AB
Maybe this is my own issue, but I feel like the only appropriate gift for a male co-worker is coffee (like Starbucks coffee beans) or booze. Anything else looks weirdly intimate to me. Unless he’s totally not a drinker, a bottle of Jameson is an appropriate, not over-the-top gesture that is always appreciated.
anon
ehhh. I don’t think a nice olive oil or some spices (as suggested above) would be weird. I will totally admit I’m a snob here, but I wouldn’t want to receive Starbucks coffee beans.
funny question
I’m just getting over a cold and he made from-scratch chicken noodle soup for me. And he came over one time to fix my stereo – took a full evening. He’s almost big-brothery, not icky no-boundaries guy. And thanks all for the ideas on olive oil and spices. Maybe harissa or something.
AB
I take back my prior answer. But really, who is this guy?!
Anonymous
Assuming this is the way he treats most people… this guy’s partner (if he has one) is a lucky duck.
Anonymous
He may not be icky, no boundaries guy but it sounds like he likes you. He made you chicken soup from scratch!?
P
+1. Invite him to a nice dinner? ;)
lost academic
hey, that’s the only way! And if you make your own stock already it takes very little time.
Frugal female
Seriously!
And he deserves more than. $20 gift for fixing he stereo alone.
Chef, handyman and fully employed, nice…… Sounds like a winner!
Anonymous
Yeah this seems like your own issue. People on this board seem really resistant to the idea that women can be platonic friends with their male coworkers.
Anon
I am of Indian origin and have a coworker who was raving about cooking Indian food and how a small jar of spices costs a ton in the regular supermarket. I bought her a bunch of things from the local Indian supermarket (couple of spices and some fermented flour for dosas, that she loves but had never tried making before). So maybe try getting something from an Asian store or other such specialty store if the coworker loves to cook ethnic foods?
ace
Penzey’s spices? bonus that it’s consumable
Duchess
Electric salt and pepper mill? I’m shocked how much more convenient the electric is, and you need salt and pepper for everything! I got mine from Sur la Table. The one I got is sold out now (their own house brand), but there are plenty of other options.
Anonymous
Maybe a high quality olive oil or balsamic vinegar? These things never go to waste in my kitchen and I’m much more likely to buy the cheap stuff for myself
Miz Swizz
I’m considering getting a coworker some chef’s soap (link to follow) because he’s learning to cook and really enjoying himself but I don’t presume to know what sort of tools he’d like. No known fragrance issues and he’s commented before that his hands still smelled like garlic from cooking.
Miz Swizz
http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/lemon-chef-s-soap
Gail the Goldfish
Will this really get rid of the garlic smell? If so, I definitely have to get some.
Miz Swizz
I’m not sure. I’ve heard that lemon juice is good for removing persistent smells but the last time I tried that, I had a paper cut. :/ Perhaps I should try it first?
funny question
OP here – that soap is a really interesting idea. Thank you all. And no, my cooking skills are inadequate. But I appreciate all the ideas!
Anonymous
Are you interested in making him a food item from scratch? Like, peppermint bark, homemade jam or chutney (perhaps an unusual kind), or chocolate covered almonds? If he enjoys cooking that much, he would probably appreciate a gift like that.
Anonymous
I am also in to cooking and as far as books go, am enjoying Cook’s Science from Cook’s Illustrated – there are recipes but it is mostly about the science of optimizing a bunch of popular ingredients and bringing out the rest of them. Olive oil is nice, as are fancy/infused salts.
Also, is he single?
help!
Are you single? you should date him.
workingmomz
Are you single? you should date him.
Lucie
Haha, glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that while reading OP’s post ;-)
HQB
I got my boyfriend a set of Ethiopian spices once, and it was a big hit. A lot of spices for cuisines that aren’t commonly cooked in the US are hard to find – maybe something like that? Or a giftcard to some place that sells less common spices?
Corporate Bio
Help! I need to write a bio for myself (if anyone remembers I was the person who asked about experiences joining a board, and I’ve decided to do it!, and I have no idea what to include or not include. I am two and a half years out of college and am in my second full time job. Do I include what I majored in in college, internships, clubs that I was president for, that I graduated cum laude? These details all feel very college-y but on the other hand my bio would be “Corporate Bio worked for x company before moving to her current role as x at Y company” if I didn’t include those details.
Jo March
I think a happy medium between the two would be good. Include alma mater and what you studied, maybe 1 activity from college that was directly related to what this org for which you’re joining the Board does. Additionally, add more color to your work experience: don’t just list your role at the two companies, but take a sentence to explain what those roles entail in terms of responsibilities. And make sure to mention anything you do outside of your job description that relates to the org as well (i.e. if it’s a non-profit do you volunteer with a similar cause on weekends or lead some sort initiative in your day job related to its work). Lastly, add a sentence about why you’re excited to join the Board. All of that should give you a good paragraph or so.
(fwiw, I’ve never been on a board, so take this with a grain of salt)
Delta Dawn
I’m glad you decided to join the board! I agree with Jo March– happy medium. I am on a couple of boards and do that in my bios too. “Awesome Lady is (current role) at Y company, where she (does really cool stuff and explain that briefly). She has worked for X company, where she (also did cool stuff). A cum laude graduate of Awesome University, she earned her degree in Awesomeness and was president of Awesome Club. She enjoys (non-profit, volunteering, et.). Awesome Lady is pleased to join (the board) and (hopes to help the board continue being awesome, or whatever you like about the board).
Corporate Bio
Thanks so much! These sort of things always make my anxiety reach new levels. Also just a general thanks to the s!te, its definitely gotten me through my internships and first jobs with (hopefully) less embarrassing moments and has provided a bunch of kick-@ss ladies to look up to!
Anon
This template is AMAZING. Kat, can you sticky this on the sidebar or something? Or please do a feature on cheatsheets/ scripts/ templates for common workplace needs – I am a first generation white collar worker and this sort of thing is incredibly difficult to find.
Delta Dawn
Oh, that makes me feel so smart! Thanks for the compliment!
Anon
For those of you who wear prescription glasses and switch back and forth from indoor glasses to sunglasses, what case do you carry? My sunglass frames are Paul Smith and weren’t cheap, but unfortunately the case they came in wasn’t high quality and the fastener hole has already ripped out. (Got them in sept)
Anonymous
I carry the hard case that came with my sunglasses (Oakley) and put whichever pair I’m not wearing in there.
anon anon armani
I use a hard shell case with a hinge. Can’t recommend specifically because glasses sizes vary. Mine is an old Nicole Miller right now. Sunglasses live in the case in the car and also in my purse when out and about. Love prescription sunglasses.
Godzilla
I also use my sunglass case. I am searching for a hard sunglass case that can carry two pairs of glasses but no luck yet – every two-pair case I’ve come across is a soft case.
Anonymous
I also use my sunglass case. I am searching for a hard sunglass case that can carry two pairs of glasses but no luck yet – every two-pair case I’ve come across is a soft case.
Godzilla
I put them back to back in the same case but that doesn’t really help with the nose pads and arms inadvertently bending out of alignment.
Cream Tea
I will repost again in the next thread, but can anyone recommend boots for slightly wider calves? I’m not talking “wide calf” boots which are too big, I’m talking boots which will fit the leg of a normal sized woman. I can barely get my leg in to any boot, and the wide ones are way too wide. Internet searches are not helpful because I just get a slew of “wide calf” ones.
HELP!
Anonymous
Nordstrom and/or Zappo’s lets you search by calf circumference, if I recall correctly. I think Frye may run a little larger in the calf.
Meredith Grey
I also find that a 10″-12″ shaft height works better for my larger calf as the top of the boot is hitting where my calf is narrower, not the widest point.
Anonymous
I would try Born, or a style that has an elastic gusset built into the shaft
Jeffiner
I’m a runner, so my calves are pretty thick. I have some Ariat boots that work. Nordstrom’s only has Ariat cowboy boots, but the Ariat website itself has a larger selection.
Anonymous
I have the same exact problem. My calves are just a hair to big for most regular boots, but the wide boots are way too big. I look for boots that have some give in them – think stretchy elastic part in the back.
Baby Foot Review
I finally tried Baby Foot!
My feet are… rough. Like, nail techs routinely give up while trying to grind away the calluses.
I applied the Baby Foot serum that Saturday after Thanksgiving. Soaked my feet for 1/2 an hour, then left the serum on for a little over an hour. 2 days later, my feet were starting to peel. I soaked my feet for 10 minutes or so each night to help soften everything up. By Friday (6 days later), they were almost entirely peeled. And this past Monday (9 days after initial application), they were done “shedding”.
The verdict? My feet look amazing! Even the heels which had really thick, cracked calluses (sorry, guys, but I want to emphasize how bad they were to begin with) look completely healthy and feel totally smooth. It really is messy. Like.. really messy. I did a lot of vacuuming during the peeling period. Only once did I try to peel a piece of skin that wasn’t ready to come off yet, which left that area feeling a little tender, but otherwise, it doesn’t hurt at all. For the first 2-3 days I did feel a “tightness” that I attribute to the skin drying out, but otherwise there was no sensation during the waiting period.
My recommendation – If you’re anything like me, and prefer to be barefoot or in flip flops 90% of the time, you probably have what I call “flip flop feet” and I would definitely recommend you try this out. If your feet can vastly improve from the basic buffering of a pedicure, this product is probably overkill. I will probably use it as intended on the entirety of both feet once a year, and then use it specifically on my heels once a quarter or twice a year.
BabyAssociate
Thanks for this!!!
Senior Attorney
Heh “flip flop feet.” Guilty as charged…
I may have to break down and give it a try! Thanks for the review!
lsw
I am obsessed with trying this and have it on my Amazon list for instant shipping as soon as I’m done nursing.
MomAnon4This
OK – just for convenience? I mean, obviously, check with your doctor or lactation consultant, but it is highly doubtful that a lotion on your foot would somehow get into your breast milk and transfer to the baby.
COtoNY
Do you know the circumference of your calves? Can you measure?
Mine are 14.5-15 inches, which are just out of the range of some “normal” boots, but are too small for most wide-calf boots. Almost all boots have the calf circumference posted in the description. I never purchase boots now without checking this.
COtoNY
For Cream Tea’s boot/calf question
Limited Sale
Today it’s 70% off everything and free shipping. They are being SUPER slow with shipping right now but if you need some basics…
oooh
Any recs for simple, easy to care for, tops to go under suits from this sale?
lost academic
They are being brutally slow with shipping in the last few months. To the point where they cancelled two of my orders without even telling me or updating me in the meantime. It’s nice that I got a refund, but I would have liked to hear sooner that they couldn’t fulfill it.
Renter
Guys,
Please share some “I prevailed over my terrible landlord” success stories. Today is the 8th day since 10/22 that my building has not had hot water. I am a lawyer. I get the warrant of habitability thing. Do I have to take my LL to court to get rent refunded? Side note–the landlord never does any repairs or only does after you call and email literally eight to ten times, our building got broken into last week and they didn’t fix the lock until I left a calm but angry message on the LL’s wife VM asking her if she was just waiting for someone to get mugged or what?
The real solution to this is to move, right? It must be.
Please, give me some hope, here!
Senior Attorney
Does your state have a “repair and deduct” law? That might be an option.
But yeah, the real solution is to move.
BabyAssociate
I feel you on the crappy landlord situation, my solution was to leave a voicemail saying “hey, we have a pest problem that you’ve refused to address, so I’ve called an exterminator, he’s coming on Friday.” And then magically they would send someone cheaper the next day.
I’d look into the laws for your specific state, they can really vary a lot.
BabyAssociate
Sorry I forgot to note, my end solution was to move.
Anonymous
What state/city are you in? If you’re in NYC, you should have remedies. If you’re in a small town, you’re likely SOL.
OP
Im in Boston. And I probably will end up taking them to court. What a cluster. Not a litigator. Thus shoukd be not fun. And def want to move but broker’s fees and small dog make thus really hard. Gah.
Opal
Can you move now? Get them for breach of lease to get out early without penalty? Mass is majorly tenant-friendly. My last landlord in Cambridge was god awful. We documented the heck out of her for 3 months, submitted documentation to her with a notice to terminate early for breach of lease and she didn’t challenge it. We didn’t pay our last month – told he to keep security deposit instead – and that was the end of it. We made sure she replied to accepting early termination and security deposit as last month’s rent in writing for documentation purposes. I suspect she didn’t challenge any of it because she knew she had no legs to stand on in this state. I’m not in law, but in real estate so I had a very mild sense of how to navigate this.
Dulcinea
MA has rent withholding laws. Read more about it at masslegalhelp.org which is oriented for low income people but the info about the law is the same.
Move
Yes, the solution is to move. It’s unlikely you’ll get anything refunded, but I would definitely deduct it out of my next rent check. That may not be the legal remedy in your state, but is your landlord going to take you to court over that? (If he is; rethink it. But I bet he won’t. And even if he does, you have a better argument– but this is all without knowing the law in your state.)
Gail the Goldfish
Move. My only landlord success stories are getting more of a security deposit back because they deducted painting when they had a legal obligation to paint (lawyer’d), though that battle took 3 months, and I recently refused to sign a lease addendum and the office has apparently given up on getting us to sign after we explained that’s not how contracts work (not sure that’s a real victory so much as their lawyer probably just explained that no, they can’t just add terms to the lease after it’s been signed, but I’ll take it)
Anon
I had some success when an apartment that didn’t have heat for 14 weeks. I pitched it as a story to a couple of local news stations and every single one of them wanted to do an interview. I told the landlord that unless I get XX amount off the rent I will go through with this, and magically I got what I demanded. Then I moved. Somehow being smeared all over the local news was not appealing. I also did it right before a cold front was moving through so it could be tied to a story about that.
bridget
Mass.gov has a .pdf of tenant’s rights. It includes rent withholding (pp 11-12) and repair and deduct (pg. 12).
Terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad
Is anyone else having A DAY?
So far today has included waking up with a cold, losing my keys, having uber Eats cancel my lunch order an hour after I placed it (no time for new order now!), my doctor canceling an appointment that I bent over backwards to get in the first place, and an hour on hold with Delta, who cannot find a record of a flight I took and need a receipt for. Should I just try not to interact with people for the rest of the day? Is mercury in retrograde?
CMT
Oh man, I’m sorry! I actually check when days like this happen to me, just for fun. http://www.ismercuryinretrograde.com/ (It’s not right now.) I hope things turn around!
anon
chive or buzzfeed funny photos. 20 min. Go.