This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Something on your mind? Chat about it here.
I do not need a new backpack, I do not need a new backpack, I do not need a new backpack… but if I did, this is the one I'd get.
I am always a sucker for a lightweight, nylon backpack — and this one from Zella looks fabulous. I like the exterior zip pocket and the interior pockets, not to mention the pockets on the sides for bottles of water.
The Zella bag is available in black and a pretty “grey thunder” for $49.99; after the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale it'll go back up to $65.
(Hmmn…. you know, I don't have a grey backpack…)
(If you're unfamiliar with the NAS, they mark down NEW fall merchandise for a limited time in the summer.)
Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Anon
Advice needed, please. We inherited property in another county and have become defacto slumlords due to lack of communication. We rent through a mgmt company and the tenant got us violated in a big way. We want to fix the major problems to avoid fines. But then we can either sell as is or fix up like a flipper. We have a realtor who gave us a general contractor number and he is interested in buying. We want to get as much as we can out of the property as we have other funds to fix it up. Can we go into a partnership with the realtor or would that not be worth it for him? Is this silly if we don’t have the knowledge of the market? should we just avoid the fines and sell? PS: thousands of fines start in one week but we can stop it by pulling permits. (I posted on this morning’s thread but late.)
Cat
Your post is kind of confusing.
-is it the realtor who wants to buy, or the GC who the realtor knows?
-what is a “partnership” with the realtor? Do you mean hiring the realtor to sell the house? Or some kind of deal where you share the cost of reno and then sell and share the profits? That sounds really messy to manage.
-what do you mean that you “want to get as much as we can out of the property as we have other funds to fix it up” when you are talking about doing a cheap flip?
-what does your management agreement say about responsibility for the fines?
Personally I think there are way easier ways to make money than being a long-distance landlord and would just sell as-is to unload it…
Anon
+1 to all of this
Anon
I know a guy who is a realtor and he gave me the number for a GC. I think I have to resolve fines before I can sell.
Anon
Kindly, the tenant didn’t get you violated. The property wasn’t up to code, and those poor conditions got the property violated. (former housing legal aid atty here)
Being an out of town Landlord has a lot of challenges. I would probably sell as-is.
Anon
They called the county and not me And maybe not the property Mgmt company. We would have fixed it without the hassle of fines. Saying things that aren’t necessary is obnoxious not kind
anon
Yeah, I’m still not convinced they did anything terrible. Fix the issues and get out property management seems to be the answer.
Anon
I didn’t say they did. If you aren’t helpful, then shut up
anonshmanon
lol, what a way to talk to people that you ask for free advice. You are hilarious anon.
Anon
Anonshamon,
I appreciate the free advice. Not the unncessary finger wagging. This is how this board rolls: ask a question, and a number of people will offer kind and helpful answers on what was asked. A few others will pile on and virtue signal about irrelevant issues.
Anon NYC
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poster flat out tell someone to shut up. You inherited the home and it is your responsibility to maintain.
Anon
Ok you can eff right off, OP. Hope they double your fines, slumlord.
Anon
It’s obnoxious of a tenant to call the government instead of their actual landlord. Come on.
Anon
Thank you, 9:51. I didn’t post all the issues with the tenant or the PM company and only wanted ideas about finding a GC and how to figure out how much money to pour in before selling the house. The women on here are crazy sometimes. The tenant was always behind and called to complain about AC which was fixed. She only called the county when the PM company began eviction proceedings. That said, we should have inspected the property ourselves before renting it out. We would have fixed it up and probably would have attracted better tenants. Most of the time when someone here starts with the “kindly” comments, it is just a way to reprimand someone for no reason.
Ses
I thought this reply was helpful because it gives the legal perspective.
I agree with the recommendation to sell. I’ve been in a similar situation (but without fines) and I had a gem of a realtor who managed the renovations as the GC (he had experience flipping houses in the area) and got it sold, all within about 3 months.
Anon
Ses, so maybe we should find a realtor who can advise as to how much to money to put in before selling?
Ses
Yes, I would do look at the realtor first. My realtor was able to assess exactly what needed to be fixed to sell and then about the rest of the issues said “a lower selling price will fix those.”
I know there’s cost of delay and also these fines – it might make sense to also look at whether the fines are worth just paying, or if there’s a dispute process that would give you more time.
Anon
Yeah, you own the house, you are responsible. You literally called yourself a “defacto slumlord.” Pay the fines and then sell it to someone who will do what they are supposed to.
Anon
Um, DUH, we have to fix it. We don’t have fines so what are you saying we should pay, anon at 6:57? Fines that don’t exist? It isn’t occupied so there is nothing we are supposed to do except get it up to code unless you think we can get it sold within the next four days, anon at 6:57? Is that what you suggest? Because we are trying to figure out, since we have to fix the issues anyway, whether we should address other repairs that are not violations. For example, new AC or just assume a buyer will gut the place?
Anon NYC
You called yourself a slumlord and mentioned fines. What do you expect people to say! What is your question here? To sell or fix it up and rent it out? For the tenants sake, just sell!
Anon
NYC: Are you trying to be obtuse? THERE IS NO TENANT. You are worried about a person who does not exist. The question was to seel as-is or to take the time to fix it up for a higher price. And if we resolved the violations and rented it out, why would you be concerned about the fictional tenant? If you don’t have any actual experience with this, why are you talking???
Anon
You sound insane. Literally none of us have any idea what is going on, your explanations make zero sense, and you are insulting everyone. Maybe this isn’t the place for you.
Anon
People did understand and responded with good ideas. But, please, stay up all night worried about the tenant who is long gone.
S
I thought you couldn’t sell as-is? If you can, I would try for that. If you can’t, then fix to the level to avoid fines. If you don’t know the market or a GC and can’t be there to make sure the work is getting done, you have a high potential of a very long money pit situation.
anon
Personally, I would satisfy my obligations and sell as fast as possible. Unless this is a magical country where renovations are both easy and the market gives a great ROI on renovations.
Anonymous
+1 – get out while you can. sorry your relative was a slumlord, i guess?
Anon.
They lived there.
Anon
This timeline/situation makes no sense how it is being presented. Is it a duplex/multi-family? Did your relative have these tenants while they lived there?
Anon
The timeline is irrelevant. The only timeline I’m
Worried about is the time to get the permits pulled. Rental company was supppsed to be doing that but I think we have to now
Anon
Anon at 2:13: Thank you for that. I live in a house where the prices are going up higher than any other area in my city so investors who are buying and renovating are making a killing. I guess we need to figure out if our inherited property is in an area that is getting more desirable or worse if we wanted to keep and put money into it. Clearly, it wasn’t in good enough condition when we got it and we made the mistake of relying on the mgmt company to let us know what we needed to fix. That meant it attracted renters who were slow to pay and the whole thing blew up before we knew what was happening.
Anon
Long distance landlord here. First, find a different property manager. They should have been communicating with you long before any issues with the property got to this point. This isn’t on the tenant.
From there, decide if you want to continue owning rental property or not and proceed accordingly.
Anon
Seconding the advice to find a different property manager ASAP, and have them supervise the work. I had to deal with this situation on a large scale as an asset manager once. The management company was doing nothing and bragging to the owners about how low the operating expenses were. It was a HUD-subsidized portfolio, and HUD almost took away the contract that was the basis for the value of the properties. It was ten times harder to deal with all the problems under that kind of regulatory scrutiny (and with hostile tenants at that point) than it would have been to attend to every issue when it first came up.
If you don’t have a trusted local representative supervising the work, even a good GC may overspend, and with a bad GC the sky is the limit. Please consider carefully whether your realtor is a trustworthy local representative — chances are stacked in favor of them being either not competent enough or not on your team enough…
Anon
I don’t think a new manager helps us get the permits pulled quickly. We don’t have very much time. Don’t think we can sell as is before next week.
Anon
A property manager doesn’t have anything to do with pulling permits, the GC does that. Most cities are pretty lenient if you show concrete action being taken toward remediation, for example a signed contract for repairs. If they’re going straight to big fines, something has been festering for a while most likely.
The property manager was responsible for communicating with you and scheduling repairs BEFORE it got to this point. I’ve had come-to-Jesus meetings with my PM in the past when they didn’t communicate and you do have to stay on top of them. They have two customers in all this – the tenant and you, and if they’re any good, they work to keep both happy.
You mentioned upthread that the tenants didn’t call you. They shouldn’t be calling you. They should be communicating via the property manager.
Anonymous
Thank you. This is very stressful
Cat
Seems like you have no option in the next few days other than pulling the permits then…?
Anon
Cat, I think that is the case. And while we are fixing issues, trying to figure out whether to go further and fix up more for a better selling price. Fortunately, we received a short extension.
Lexi
Yes, what is the property management company doing? They screwed up
Anon
I am pretty sure they did so we are trying to hire our own CG. Maybe getting a realtor who will help us seel is the way to go. Thank you, Lexi.
Anonymous
Late stage capitalism is a hellscape.
Anon
The prospect of selling to zillow As-Is or to a foreign investor doesn’t thrill me, at 3:45. But it could be really expensive to make the necessary repairs to make the house decent enough for a family to live in, and attract the family who can pay rent.
Anon
Sell as soon as you can. You can’t manage this from where you are, and you certainly can’t manage a fix and flip. Sell it as-is to whomever wants to buy it that way.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anonymous
Based on your indignant replies I understand why the tenant didn’t try to talk to you first
Anon
Wtt?? I never met the tenant. We have a property mgmt company. They either never told the company or they did, and the company didn’t tell us. I
Suspect she was slow paying on her rent so she didn’t initially complain. When the property mgmt company said pay or evict, she decided to leave but called the county as a parting shot. I was mortified when I learned about the issues and we
Would have fixed them. I’m
Glad few people here offered helpful tips.
joan wilder
I am late to read but in some jurisdictions the tenant can withhold rent if any of the issues affect compliance with minimum habitablity standards, so that is more evidence you have a terrible PM company. Also most reputable companies do initial and midyear or annual inspections and share. If you stay with long distance landlording, you absolutely need a different company.
Anon
+1 and I thought that was all jurisdictions.
Anon
Thanks, Joan. I would assume that is the case but never received notice that rent was being withheld for that reason. Thinking we will find a contractor to pull the permit and then see if we can get a realtor to sell while the work is pending. Does not seem to be worth the hassle to rent at this point. And my whole life, I thought that renting houses out was a great investment.
Anecdata
Renting can be a good investment but I think it’s best to think of it as a job, or like running a small business- even with a property management company (like hiring employees at your small business), it’s going to take some time and effort and risk (like finding and supervising the pm company), and doing it long distance is EXTRA hard
Anon
Ugh. It feels like no matter what I do, I can’t lose weight and then keep it off.
I walk a ton, lift and run a few times a week, and eat well probably 80% of the time (and even when I don’t eat well it’s not terrible). I don’t diet but focus on “real” foods, track my calories, and have previously worked with a dietician. Yet, I’m constantly yo-yoing and I don’t know how to stop.
My birthday is Monday and I’m devastated at being o this cycle for yet another year.
DC Pandas
I would double check with your GP about your concerns- could this be thyroid related? Seeking out therapists/mental health practitioners as well to assist with habit formation.
Another path is to come to terms with the range in which your body falls- about 90% of folks who lose weight regain it back. It’s not a personal failing or character flaw, just human behavior. It may be worth focusing on harm reduction (weight maintenance than weight loss).
Anon
You may not want to hear this, but the weight loss shots really do work. I lost 60 lbs and am able to maintain a really sane weight for myself with less frequent shots. After 30 years of thinking about my weight and every morsel of food every day of my life, I’m free of it and it’s so liberating. I vote for tirzepatide (Moujaro) over semaglutide (Ozempic) – fewer side effects. I used a compounding pharmacy I found online – there are plenty of options if you google.
Anon88
Not OP but thinking about this– have you experienced any side effects ?
Anon
I am not the person who originally raised this but I have lost 30 pounds since February on a combination of Zepbound and Wegovy (depending on availability/insurance). Side effects were minimal on the lower dosages but I had a genuinely miserable month on a higher dose. I think went back to a lower dose so my weight loss was slower but still continues. I am now within about 10 pounds of my goal and (more important) my lipids are back to a normal level (I do not tolerate statins well so weight loss is my only option to control my extremely high, genetic cholesterol levels.)
anon
+1000. I was prediabetic and not able to lose weight bc of perimenopause and insulin resistance. I’ve been on tirz for six weeks and lost 8 lbs already. Minimal side effects (some fatigue, occasional acid reflux). I know at some point I’ll need to go off of it but for now it’s been a miracle worker. Bonus, my a1C has already dropped into the normal level for the first time in almost 15 years.
Anon
I have a close friend who is considering this after a lifetime of weight struggle. Honestly, I think it could be a really good thing. I’ve seen how much this has affected her and I know she badly wants to be able to focus on other things.
Anonymous
buuuuut not for everyone — been on semaglutide then tirzepatide since aug23 and have lost about 10lb total.
to OP – you might need to eat more. you might need to eat less. it might be water, or sleep, or not enough fiber. it might be that all those little bites are adding up in ways you don’t expect.
big hugs. i don’t have answers.
Anon
+ 1. I want all those years of stressing about food and weight back.
Anon
I lost thirty pounds in four months and have kept it off. my metabolism was whacked due to many rounds of IVF plus being in peri after.
Tirzepatide was a godsend.
anon
Right there with you. It is so frustrating. I’m 25 pounds overweight after a lifetime of being smack-dab in the middle. I am TRYING, and the pounds are definitely not flying off. And maintaining is another thing.
anon
You say you run – have you thought about signing up and training for a marathon as your birthday goal? It sounds crazy but the focus on getting enough fuel really helped heal my relationship with food. It doesn’t necessarily generate weight loss, but, at least in my experience, it really helps heal your self talk about food.
Dontrununderfueled
Marathon training is NOT for weight loss. You need to fuel properly & many actually gain weight during training.
FE
Did you read the comment?
go for it
These are ideas I have heard from others:
see a nutritionist for tips
eat more protein
eat 1/2 of what is on the plate, then assess for fullness, if still hungry, eat 1/2 of what is left, assess again
try the no S diet- not really a diet, more a method of eating- this is what worked for me- YMMV
most importantly….please be kind to yourself during the process
Peloton
It’s extremely common for menstruating women to have a range of weights each menstrual cycle. Are you sure you’re not mistaking that normal fluctuation for yo-yoing? My luteal phase is consistently 5-7 pounds heavier than my weight in my follicular phase, but it’s consistent from luteal phase to luteal phase.
Peloton
I can’t tell from your comment whether you’re actively trying to lose weight or not. I assume no, since you say you’re not dieting.
The other thing I’ll flag as a runner is that runners often massively underfuel, especially on carbs vs protein. Working with a sports dietitian to evaluate your current diet vs training load may lead to a recomp and/or some additional loss if there’s a delta between your current weight and an appropriate-for-you weight.
CapHillAnon
Happy birthday to you early, and solidarity friend! I’m also in the peri/ prediabetes / insulin resistance boat, I workout all the time and eat so carefully, and the pounds have just crept on these last two years after a lifetime of weight stability. I finally made an appointment with my doctor to talk about metformin and explore some other options. I dont know what will work, but like you, I’m feeling weary and a little hopeless after doing all the right things. Wishing you good luck.
RiskedCredit
Working with midi health for my hormones leveled out and they agreed to metformin for insulin resistance. I have a BMI of 23/24 and have maintained it steadily for 6 months now.
I run for my fitness for one hour, four times a week. It works out to be about 20-25 miles a week. A slow run is 5 miles and faster run is 7-8 miles. I’m working on my strength now on my non running days.
Diet wise, I feel like I eat too much crap when I eat with my children but I try to eat as much fish and vegetables as possible. I limit bread to trader joe English muffins and their superbread. I don’t drink milk or cream. I drink my coffee black or if iced add almond milk. I drink water or sugar free electrolytes, if a banana doesn’t rebalance me. Protein wise I eat a tonne and have previously posted how I get to my 120-150g a day.
Eating with my children is tough. I have them with me every other week and their father allows soda, a lot of sweets and doesn’t put as much vegetables on the table. First two days with me and I have to manage the sugar withdrawal which is done with scones (made with cottage cheese for higher protein but sweet), muffins and dark chocolate peanut butter cups. Of course I end up eating this stuff too because it’s in my house. I’m slowly getting them used to coming off the sugar day one and using fruit only as treats.
Finally sleep is really important because it affects my recovery from exercise and stress levels. My garmin watch has been extremely helpful with this. The sleep score, HRV and stress functions show patterns which correlate with how I feel and my weight goes up 1-2lbs a couple of days after these scores deteriorate.
Anon
Also love this backpack. To the moms – would this work for a diaper bag? I’m expecting my first child this fall.
Anon
I think it would, but I also found it very easy to just use a normal tote bag like a Longchamp.
Anonymous
it would plus (bonus) this is one you can hand off to husband or other caregiver without it being too feminine or fancy
anon
I don’t see why not. FWIW, I really wish I’d had a backpack diaper bag when my kids were tiny. It would’ve saved my shoulders and neck.
Loofah
I really like it, too. I have a great backpack and I probably shouldn’t replace it, but this one looks much sleeker and less high-school-y.
Anon
Anything can be a diaper bag. Just make sure it can hold the amount of things you think you need and that things don’t get lost in a dark pit at the bottom, requiring you to take everything out to find the thing you’re looking for.
Peloton
It for sure would. We use an old REI backpack and it’s great. I don’t actually “get” the appeal of traditional diaper bags, although some are beautiful!
Anon Mom
Anything can be your diaper bag – how you organize what you need inside of it is the important part. My experience is that we tended to fill whatever space we allowed ourselves for baby stuff. This backpack looks like a it would work great for all your baby needs. Congratulations and I wish you all the best in motherhood.
Anonymous
Does anyone have a success story about a female senior associate or counsel going 80%, or a similar arrangement, and then making partner, and staying at her firm? Midsize law firm – so there is not enough stability in the work work for a staff attorney type position to say “8:30-4:30 M-F you’ll get X hours guaranteed, steady, every week.” Struggling to meet hours expectations and juggle a schedule with a kiddo, but everything I read tends to be “it never works due to variability.”
Anon
I saw one do it in ERISA (benefits side, not securities side) in BigLaw but branch office (big city, associate had HYS type credentials). That was in a group that had the good luck to have solid clients and 7 people doing the work of 5, so worked as a group of women would rotate on and off on maternity leave. Everyone was very competent and team players. I have never had the luck to be in a slightly-excess-capacity situation, which I think is key to a lot of this working out.
anon
I’ve seen it done but only in special teapot practice areas that don’t have emergencies (e.g., ERISA) or a smaller boutique firm that was known for this arraignment with really good female lawyers because of it. Which is the long way of saying, unless you can make your practice more predictable (with less emergencies), reducing your hours rarely works to solve the juggling problem. Outside of that, I only know of one other woman that was able to pull it off – she worked “fully on” (long days, etc.) and then took about 20% more vacation / days off.
Anon
I saw someone make partner in such an arrangement and she eventually became managing partner of her office. She was technically in litigation but her practice is very advisory and specialized regulation. Based in DC. Expect she was working more than 80%, but not the even more insane hours more typical of an associate making partner.
Cat
I think the issue is that 80% gets you less money but not an equivalent improvement in schedule predictability day-to-day. Like if a client has a hot project, it’s not like you can say “oh I don’t work evenings.”
Anon
This, exactly. 80% is the worst deal out there. I’m shocked anyone would consider it still, it’s an old chestnut that won’t go away. OP, you will likely find better balance in-house, I’d start looking there.
Anonymous
Our previous office managing partner went part time when her kids were young, which I think was before she made partner, and obviously eventually came back full time and did well. I know a few other attorneys who have done it. Seems to work best on the trust & estates team and the labor & employment, but I know of at least one business lit partner who did it. My firm is generally pretty good with working mothers. We’re a larger regional firm.
Anon
Depends on how you define “staying.” I made partner while 60 and 80 percent at a firm of about 80 attorneys. I stayed for about 4 years, then left to go in-house with a client. I was expecting my third child and could no longer handle the unpredictability of litigation.
Anon
I’ve seen this happen in my firm, which is near the bottom of the AmLaw 200 and generally good with attorney retention and work/life balance. The people I’m thinking of went to 80% and reduced their case load commensurately, but were still available every day and in the evenings and had full time childcare. They just had longer and more frequent slow times and used those times to lean more into life outside of work. So their hours varied wildly from week to week and month to month but averaged out to 80% at the end of the year.
Josie P
I did this. Small to midsize firm (40-50 attorneys) in T&E. I worked 80% right up until I made equity and I still take Fridays mostly or all off. You do have to keep your hours above your “stated” % but my firm grossed up so I didn’t lose anything by doing that.
Josie P
Also: no emergencies. I don’t do litigation so nothing is time-sensitive.
Anon
I have 3 kids and I’ve been in every type of legal work setting except for govt. My experience is that keeping up with the hours expectation while also trying to take on less is just exhausting. I know of 80% associates who could not meet that expectation and were counseled out or those who worked as much as full time associates, but got shafted at bonus time. I think in-house, working on a percentage-based comp schedule (you make X % of your personal billings), or working for a small firm that does not have any minimum or target hours is best for flexibility and staying sane. Happy to provide more specific advice if you can share your practice area.
New Englanders Advice
New Englanders on this board- help me plan a trip. We want to do a New England road trip next year at some point. We have to plan around our 5yo son’s school calendar. We are looking at basically anytime during summer break or fall break at the end of September.
Question 1- I know both times won’t be cheap but will summer be cheaper than September given that is leaf peeping? We don’t care about leaf season. It’d be nice and we will spend the money but it’s not priority.
Question 2- any must sees? We are outdoorsy and plan to spend some time in Acadia. Likely flying in and out of Boston and giving ourselves about 10 days to hit the highlights. We are thinking Boston, Maine, Vermont, and maybe dip down to Rhode Island. I know this is an ambitious itinerary and we will adjust once we get into planning.
Anonymous
No idea on an entire itinerary- that is not a trip I would do with a 5 year old due to the driving. We say “you can’t get there from here” and it is really true. But if you are really excited about it, get from Acadia to VT via the Kancamangus highway across NH. Stop and play in the river and have lunch on the rocks then go to the Lost River once you are on the west end. Story Land in Glen, NH is also great for little kids- it is a cute little amusement park geared to kids under 8 or so. In VT, go to Stowe for a couple of days, or just go straight to Burlington. Shelburne Farms and the museum is just south of Burlington and it is great for little kids, and interesting for parents as well. If you come down Rt 91 from VT to Mass, Sturbridge Village is a lot of fun with kids.
Anon
I’m biased because we have a family home near here and I’ve come here for every one of my 40 summers except 2020, but Acadia is my #1 must-see in New England. If you’re outdoorsy and enjoy hiking and exploring (rocky) beaches and tidepools, you should plan at least 4-5 days here, imo. I’d fly into Portland, Maine, personally. Unless you have a burning desire to see the US history stuff in Boston, Acadia and southern Maine is plenty for a 10 day trip and Portland can check the “city” box. You can’t see Boston, Maine, Vermont and RI in 10 days if you want to see any of those places in any depth.
September will likely be cheaper than July/August, at least in mid-coast Maine. Leaf season doesn’t get underway until early October here. June is probably cheaper than September, but also has iffier weather.
Anon
+1 This sounds like a great September trip. With global warming, leaf season is getting pushed later and later. I’m in southern NE but peak isn’t until late October/maybe early November recently
Anon
How good are you guys at car rides and how hard do you like to go on vacation? We just spent one week (two days of which were dedicated to a family reunion) in the Northeast seeing Boston and Acadia. If you could fly in and out of different airports it would help. We spent about 3 days in Bar Harbor/Acadia. Could have spent more but definitely felt like we hit all the highlights. We drove the 5 hours between Boston and Bar Harbor in the evening/night since my husband is a night owl and likes to drive. There is plenty of fun stuff for your kid in Boston (the Aquarium, Children’s Museum, etc.) but he might be a little young for the history stuff. We had a great time but were utterly exhausted afterward.
OP
We tend to cram a lot in and do a lot of driving on our trips. As an example, we did the Utah mighty 5 in 10 days last year, even if we barely scratched the surface we thought it was worth it.
I’m still glad to hear any reality checks on doing too much in one trip. We’ve never been to the region and appreciate the feedback!
Anon
That’s a lot of driving. I’d personally try to go in September and hit Acadia, Boston, and the White Mountains in NH. Skip VT and RI for now.
Anon
I think this is a good itinerary for outdoorsy folks. I recommended Portland over Boston above, but on second thought there’s a lot more for young kids in Boston so I do think stopping there makes sense, and the White Mountains aren’t on the direct route between Boston and Acadia but are much less out of the way than Vermont and RI.
On summer and fall weekends, especially between Boston and Acadia, drive times can be double the normal driving time, so keep that in mind. It has taken me 10 hours to go from Boston to Bar Harbor before and it should be about a 5 hour drive.
Anon
Are there any good lips / eyes / cheeks makeup palettes out there for a teen starting on makeup? Kiddo loves the idea of makeup, but Sephora (at least in our city) no longer does the makeup lesson that you can book ahead of time (which IMO was excellent). It’s now just overrun with teens. My kid has spent $$$ on the most garish of colors and uses a Tammy-Faye level of application. Mall stores seem to be for people older than me and I’m not sure which brands teens even consider current for taking her by. Booking time with a good local makeup artist seems like a good idea but they seem to mostly be geared towards weddings and booked up on weekends, so it’s hard to make the right connection (and that is $$$ since their model is selling weekend time to adults vs fitting in a teen budget). I’m not sure how to help (and she asks me, who has skin too oily and rosacea-red for makeup to stick and just lives in sunscreen and Burt’s Bees; I fill in my brows and that’s all I can really advise on; kiddo and I also have different coloring).
Anon
I would honestly start with E.L.F. A lot of teen stuff is trial and error, and elf is affordable & reasonable for a teen budget.
Don’t do a makeup artist. That is overkill! Your teen will find plenty of content online appropriate to her age group.
If you really want to visit a makeup counter, a Clinique counter at a department store is a good bet.
anonshmanon
isn’t garish experimentation with makeup a rite of passage?
Loofah
Yeah, my mom never wears makeup and I had to learn from my friends. I survived my glitter silver eyeshadow phase, and she will too :)
For brands, definitely try E.L.F. As a fully grown adult I also like Wet n Wild. Honestly I think Target is a better bet for her than Sephora or a department store – they don’t have makeup artists, but she can try things out without breaking the bank.
Anon
Exactly. Urban Decay/heavy eyelinger/glitter everywhere – it’s fun to experiment with this stuff!
I also suggest ELF and drugstore brands, they’re so much better than they used to be!
anon
Ulta? Makeup counter? Won’t Sephora help with color matching even if there isn’t a makeup lesson?
Elf is a good starting place, but it sounds like she’s struggling most with figuring out the right colors for her complexion, so I don’t know that throwing more money at drugstore makeup is going to help. She can get application tips from YouTube but color is harder to figure out on your own.
Anon
I would have her shop around Target and let her watch all the Youtube videos she wants. She’s a teen, let her try out some fugly looks if it floats her boat.
Anon
Lord, my daughter in her thick winged liquid liner phase… she looks back on photos and cringes. It was – not good. But she had to go through it to figure out where she is now, which is very good.
Cat
My mom took me to the Clinique counter at that age – they did a really good job of setting me up with a set of products that looked nice and age-appropriate but still felt (because it was) like “real” makeup.
Anon
+1
Annony
Do you have an Ulta near you? They also do makeup services – lessons, etc. You could also try Nordstrom … Charlotte Tilbury is a super popular brand, and ELF has a lot of dupes for their products, although more in the foundation/primer categories. But their shades are really pretty and fairly neutral.
Encourage her to watch beauty tutorials and experiment. If she’s asking you for advice, that’s amazing! Have fun with it … maybe start with what her coloring is. Go to Joann fabric or any clothing store and do your own “color analysis” session to see what season she is. Try on different foundations at Sephora to figure out what her skin tone is (fair, medium, cool/warm/neutral/olive/yellow/etc. undertone). Not that she needs foundation, but it’ll help her understand which shades of lip/cheek/eye colors will work best on her.
I think a makeup artist is a great idea! They can teach her so much about technique … just Yelp it. Many have services geared toward teens and getting them started.
Anon
Use this as an opportunity to set her up with classic brands. She can play with cheapie makeup products for eyes and lips, but please help her get a matching foundation so she at least is encouraged and doesn’t look crazy. Clinique was fuddy duddy when I was a teen in the 2000s. An important lesson for a highschooler is that trendy products are often terrible, go with what works for HER face.
Go to Sephora or Ulta to get help with choice of foundation or blush, go in the morning in an urban location where tweens won’t be there in full force. There are soo many moderately priced brands. If you want to let her explore on her own MAC, Nars, and Fenty are good places to start.
If you want to let her experiment with her base with drugstore brands and online mid price brands, Maybelline myfitme is a good place to start. Maybelline for mascaras, Loreal and Elf for eyeliners. Colourpop and Juvia’s place are wonderful places to start for experimenting with eye and cheeck makeups. The LipBar and Fenty are also really good for lips. None of these brands individually will break the bank.
She’ll have a great time.
Anonymous
Charlotte Tilbury will be good for boring and very pretty makeup. I say boring with love – all you-but-better makeup is a little boring.
Benefits for mascara and brows..
But let her do the garish colours, I say. Morphe has some palettes with lots of colours, and good brushes. Experimenting with real colours, not only the pretty, can be super creative and skillbuilding. Why should she have to go for boring or enhancing looks – makeup is fun!
Get her a miscellar water and a cleansing balm to remove everything later, though. And good brushes.
Have a look at Angelica Nyqvist on youtube to see how colours like lime green, chartreuse or puce can be used in beautiful looks. And then look at Charlotte Tilbury. Both are great.
Don’t send her to a wedding makeup artist! Let her make mistakes.
Anonymous
Petty kind of question but if you know a friend is having a baby shower – as in she told you – hey I’m having a shower on x date, indicating that more information would be coming, but then never invited you, does etiquette still suggest you give a baby gift when the baby comes? This woman is a family friend. Her mom did the same thing to my mom – told the date but no actual invite. And because we are family friends, we know the shower is still happening, not canceled or anything. I think there are reasons. For me, she knows I don’t do big parties as I’m still covid cautious for health reasons. For my mom, she tends not to leave my elderly dad alone to go places. But IDK I still feel like I’d have issued invites. My mom could decide on her own to go for a little while, dad will be fine. I could have decided to go or not go based on how covid is doing in the area.
Ultimately it’s her party, she and her mom can invite or not invite whoever they want. But the weird part is she has been hinting for baby things she needs for months. My mom is the type who will still give a gift because her and my dad’s friendship with the parents goes back decades. I’m petty enough that I’m like – really stop hinting to me what you want for the baby and what store sells it.
Anon
Don’t worry – no present needed.
Anonymous
Would you send a gift if she didn’t have a shower at all and hadn’t been hinting? She doesn’t sound like that close of a friend.
Anon
This is where I lean. I honestly hate baby showers, so I don’t always go if invited. But if it’s a good friend, I do give a gift whether there was a baby shower or not and regardless of an invite. I also tend to have these types of annoyances about people who aren’t really close friends, so maybe that is one place it’s coming from.
Etiquette does not say you must give a present! So, it’s totally up to you, and in this instance, I’d lean no.
Anon
You can send a card if you like, but no obligation for that, and certainly not for a gift given the rude treatment of you and your mother.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t give a gift. I think all etiquette is out the window here because I learned as a child that if you are having a party and not inviting someone, don’t discuss it in front of them. If she and her mother don’t know that etiquette rule, well baby gift etiquette is out the window. I would assume that she and her mom were going to invite you and your mom and that’s why they excitedly shared there was a party on a certain day. Then when they thought about it they decided – ugh we’ll have to deal with whether one is still worried about covid and the other is worried about leaving her elderly husband home alone, never mind, let’s just invite the people who don’t have such issues. Hate to say it but manners have taken a hit since covid and people just act like dealing with anyone with any issues is too big of a chore so they just don’t. When in reality there was nothing to deal with here – if circumstances were such that you or your mother could not go, you would have just RSVPed no, not expected these people to solve the issue.
anon
Yup, this. You don’t need to go out of your way here.
Anon
I only give gifts at showers, unless they can’t have one for reasons. I think you’re good giving no gift.
Cat
I don’t see a gift obligation here unless you would have bought one without the hints. If you want to, it’s not hard to search names + baby registry and find it.
Peloton
Are you sure this isn’t just the host screwing up the invite list and the new mom not catching it? I would chalk this up to an error and wouldn’t take this personally unless there are other things at play in the relationship. I’d give a gift when the baby came. But if you don’t actually like this woman/want to maintain the friendship, I certainly don’t think it’s necessary to do so.
Anonymous
OP here – I mean maybe. Though the host is her mom who has been friends with my mom for decades and has known me since birth, so this isn’t some college friend who has never heard of me before. And the new mom texts me all the time. She lives out of state now and is flying in for this shower, and usually when she’s flying in it’s very – hope to catch you this weekend. This week it’s been totally silent. The way that I’m totally silent when I am trying to slip in and out of some city, knowing I won’t have time to see friends so I don’t announce it.
In any event thanks all. My parents can give whatever they like, but I’m leaning no gift.
Peloton
That does sound sketchy. I’m sorry. I would understand whatever you choose to do here. I hold out hope that the poster below is right that you may just be in the “they’re basically family, obviously we don’t need to send a formal invite” category, but you know the situation better than we do.
Winter
She and her mom told you and your mom the date. Hear me out here…Maybe that WAS the invitation? It’s not how I would do it, but if you’re close to them and they told you about the party and continue to talk with you about the party, I bet they expect you to come to the party.
Anonymous
I’m wondering this, too. If her mom and your mom are so close that they go back decades, and you’ve known them all your life, maybe you’re the “too close to need to invite, of course they come” category.
Anonymous
OP here – I never considered that idea. And IDK if the – oh you’re family, of course you don’t get a formal invite – works here simply due to logistics. We don’t know where the party it, or what time it is. They aren’t holding it at the mother’s house as her parents have downsized to an apartment. So even if you consider some people family, you have to tell them to be at a certain event space, restaurant, or wherever at a certain time. I get what you’re saying though and would have felt that way say if it was a graduation open house at the parents house – like come through Saturday afternoon, whenever you want.
Anonymous
Uh well this blows the – of course you’re practically family, why do you need an invite, stop on by theory – out of the water. Honestly so does being super quiet on text this week, if you and her text regularly. I assume the party is sometime this weekend. No matter how disorganized I was and even if I felt like certain people didn’t need an official invite, I’d STILL reach out and be like – ok see you and your mom this weekend at 3 pm at event space. Just to confirm they knew time and place, even without the invite everyone else got. Or the mom would’ve done that with your mom and referenced you too.
This is definitely a no invite situation, which is fine people can invite whomever they choose, but I definitely would not give a gift. I wouldn’t be surprised if after this party you start hearing from her again and there are continued hints for different things – i.e. the stuff she still needs but didn’t get at the party. And she thinks will you still owe my kid a gift and hint hint we don’t have enough crib sheets or baby towels or whatever.
Anon
I agree with this take and also, when is it? Some people just send really late invites. It’s baffling, but they treat the oral invite as a save the date, with details to come in the nick of time.
Anonymous
I have been told about parties because I’m close like family, and then not formally invited. In all three cases, they were disappointed I didn’t go. I wonder if this is a case of “assume we told you” OR given the long relationship, “assume you’d offer to co-host/help with the setup if you can’t go due to Covid/etc.” If you want to know, or go, then ask. “Sally, I know you said the shower is July 20, but I don’t know any details! Is it just (your dad’s relatives/Junior League folks)?”
To answer your question, no gift required. But if they’ll forever hate you for it or you’ll resent them, think about a gift post-baby. If asked then, “Oh, I knew your shower guests would be generous, since it sounded like the shower was just for (Junior League friends/blood relatives), I wanted to wait until I got to meet her!”
Anon
Agreed, if they told you about it, then you’re invited and you should check in and ask.
Anon
Sigh. I am at my wits’ end with my mom. For context, she’s single, 80, and I’m an only child, so anything mom-related is all me.
Mom seems to have become less sophisticated and less discerning with age. Here are some examples:
– Now, being a Trump supporter is not a crime, but never questioning his claims is. This week she repeated Trump’s claim that China is paying off Joe Biden – she said she had heard it on the news. I asked her how much, to what end, what proof do we have – and she had no answer, just said she heard it on the news so it had to be true.
– Every Medicare season, generally more than once, calls me excited about a flyer in the mail or a commercial she saw with a plan that offers a free gas and grocery gift card. Every.single.year I explain that that is only for certain plans in certain zip codes with certain incomes and I show her the fine print/website, etc.
– I posted about this about a month ago, but she got scammed by a fake FB account promising money if she just sent Apple gift cards. I talked to her, I visited her and showed her why it wasn’t real, but come to find out they’re still talking to her and she’s sent them even more Apple gift cards. She’s sent them $3,200 so far – more than her whole monthly income. The scam is that there’s a “grant program” where all you have to do is send in Apple gift cards and they’ll FedEx you money (first $300,000, now $500,000). I asked what her plan was when the money didn’t arrive, and she replied, “They assured me it will.”
And so we come to the end of my wits. It’s like she’s incapable of asking, “Does this pass the smell test? Could there be other explanations?” I mean, that’d be fine if we lived in a Norman Rockwell, Walter Cronkite world, but we don’t. I not infrequently go through her email (with her right there) and unsubscribe her from the more sensational “news” emails. When she brings up nonsense of any stripe, I gently and patiently question her (“Did the ad have any fine print? Did you ask the FB account for proof of the grant program?”) and explain why it can’t be right. But now I feel almost like I need parental controls on her tv, her email, and her FB to keep her out of trouble (which of course is wild to contemplate) .
Does AARP have videos on online scams that I can play for her? Is there a video somewhere about how to critically read and watch the news?
I genuinely believe this is NOT dementia given observations and family history, but I will have her amazing doc test her next visit. So please let me know if you have any other ideas how to wrap my arms around this huge issue. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Anon
The Trump thing and the flyer thing would give me considerably less pause than the FB scam. Please do talk to her doctor about the possibility of dementia, especially because it seems like this inability is new!
I’m not saying that the T bit isn’t upsetting, just that a lot of people trust the news (whatever that means for them) and hearing it “on the news” is enough proof. I am the same way, to be honest. I have sources I trust and I don’t have the time or ability to go behind and investigate a certain person’s links to a foreign country or anything.
Anon
I should have also said this, but I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this situation. Elder care is so so hard. I’m also an only child and had to deal with my parents through these phases and it’s just truly the worst.
Anon
AARP does have “online safety” and scams resources! Also check with your public library – they sometimes have in person senior tech classes; and mine does a regular scam focused one in partnership with our police dept
But yes, the gift card thing is a lot more concerning than the others – please make sure to tell her doctor that part specifically.
Big hugs, you’re doing great with a hard situation
Anon
I think you’re better off with simple rules than with fighting with her about “how does she know” regarding China and Joe Biden.
Simple rule: never ever send a gift card or money to someone she doesn’t know.
Simple rule: no one is going to give her stuff for free.
Senior Attorney
This. Honestly it doesn’t really matter if she believes the outlandish stuff she (may or may not) sees on the news. Your job is to make sure she doesn’t send her money to scammers. Pick your batles!
Anon
Yay, SA agrees with me!
The older I get, the more I believe in simple rules. It’s not for lack of brainpower (I hope!); it’s just avoids being too clever to see the forest for the trees.
The ultimate goal of these scams is to extract money from you. Simple rule: no matter how convincing and circuitous the route to get there, no matter what is promised at the end, just don’t give money to strangers. Works for every new scam, old scam, scam you have heard of but didn’t recognise, what have you.
I have seen some crazy s*** in my life and often think, “At the end of the day, if a husband hurts his wife, she’s NTA for leaving. If someone can’t tell you the truth, put up boundaries and don’t trust them. If my words make someone else understandably upset, just say I’m sorry. Everything that comes before that as a way of ‘explanation’ is just a distraction.”
Anon
I don’t know about AARP but her local Office on Aging may have classes on scams. My sister recently attended one held at her local senior center that she said was really fantastic, and there was a woman in the class who had been scammed, but hadn’t really realized it. My sister was very impressed with the way the instructor handled her emotions as it dawned on her.
anon
+1
In my town there is a Department for Senior Services, and they give one of these talks every year.
Seventh Sister
With my mom, I just remind/tell her we don’t talk about politics. No Trump, no Biden, reminder her that the Wall Street Journal is accurate (or at least accurate enough for my purposes).
Would she be willing to put you on her bank accounts and/or give you the online passwords? I understand this is a tricky issue, but if you’re close and she trusts you, you could probably stop some of these things. My mom and her sister did this with my grandmother and it worked out well.
anonymous
Before you allege your mom has committed a crime (???) for not sufficiently questioning Trump’s claims, there is written, contemporaneous evidence that a joint venture between a Hunter Biden entity and a CCP-linked Chinese company proposed to reserve a 10% cut “for the big guy”. At least one person on the email chain has testified under oath that “the big guy” refers to President Biden. The White House has denied that’s true, but there’s been no public explanation (under oath or otherwise) of who it did refer to.
That’s obviously not conclusive evidence that President Biden is being paid off by China, but it’s also more than nothing.
Anon
Hi that’s not really what this post is about.
Anon
Thank you. When you fight her about things that have some evidence (even if she can’t recall it), you lose credibility. You’re just the daughter who hectors her and doesn’t actually understand.
Anon
+1.
GenX
If you’re on Reddit, r/agingparents is the place to be. I see this story time & time again. My own parent fell for a fake-PayPal scam and almost wired money to another country before walking to the bank to ask if it was legit and they said it was a scam. I suspect the folks on Reddit would advise you to begin getting control over her finances with an attorney who specializes in elder care. Our senior center sometimes offers classes on frauds, in coordination with the local police department. We reported the scam to an elder fraud hotline; the FTC also has a place to report scams: https://reportfraud.ftc.gov/
Anon
I don’t want to scare you, but I wouldn’t be so sure that this isn’t dementia. My relative with dementia has many similarities to what you’re describing. The only way we’ve been able to help is by gaining access to her accounts (we have legal authority to do so) and setting her up with a tightly controlled debit card designed for people with limited capacity.
Anon
Sadly, yes. One of the early warning signs that was a couple of years ahead of my mother seeming like she had dementia was that she started having trouble balancing her checkbook. Previously she had some pretty decent basic accounting skills. Which is a long way of saying, “is this a significant change from how she was before? If so, don’t let it pass, investigate the problem.”
Sophe
I am old enough to have an AARP membership and I can tell you that every single month, in the little tabloid-format publication that they send members through the mail, there is at least one article on the latest scams and/or avoiding getting scammed. Might be worth the membership fee to have that “newspaper” delivered to her.
Nesprin
This smells to me that her ability to reason is declining and it’s manifesting as being more susceptible to scams. I really suspect it might be the earliest phases of dementia.
Edna Mazur
Hi all! We are looking to take a family trip to Washington, DC this October and I’m looking for a hotel that is near a metro line and has an indoor pool. I’d rather stay farther from the mall and take the train if it saves some money. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Anon
Like far out like Fair Oaks or just in Arlington / Bethesda?
Anonymous
I doubt the person wants to be in Fair Oaks. OP look at Arlington specifically in Ballston – there is a Hilton and a fairly nice Westin, also a Holiday Inn if you are on a lower budget. I can’t tell you off hand where there is a pool but I imagine some hotel in that area has one. And you’re walkable to the metro from these hotels. The Hilton sits on top of the metro. The others are a few blocks but fall weather is nice here so it’s not like now where you’re walking to the train in 100 degree heat.
Edna Mazur
Thanks for these replies- I’ll check them out! Not a super low budget I’d rather stay at a nicer hotel and take a 15-20 minute ride. It also didn’t look like most of the hotels within walking distance to the mall had pools.
Anon
We stayed last winter at the Embassy Suite in Alexandria. Nothing fancy but clean, updated, and well-appointed. The pool is small, great for kids’ entertainment but not so much for lapses. The metro station is just across the street and there’s a free shuttle to King Street. There’s a Hilton and Hyatt around the block as well. I found the location to be great both for the short metro ride and access to Old Town Alexandria.
Jules
Another option is Crystal City. The Marriott is at the Metro stop, and there are several other hotels within a couple of blocks; I have a conference twice a year that is usually at the Hilton Garden nearby, and it is adjacent to a Hampton Inn (free breakfast there, which is good for families), and the location is great. There are a number of restaurants nearby, including on a block of 23rd Street that seems to have every kind of food imaginable, with a refreshing number of non-chain choices including a good Ethiopian restaurant if your kids would be up for that.
Anon
I stayed at a hotel (forget which one, but Hilton family) btwn Farragut Square and Foggy Bottom on my last work trip to DC and there was an indoor pool.
That area is very corporate and definitely lacks character, but close to the mall and several metros.
Arlington
The Residence Inns at Courthouse metro and at the Ballston metro, both in Arlington, each have an indoor pool and are super convenient. I’d stay in Courthouse for a bit more convenience if you can.
Arlington
Do not stay at the Ritz in Pentagon City, whatever you do. Two-star experience for a five-star expectation and price.
Anon
Someone else at work screwed up in a big, big way and after I briefly inquired about the nature of the issue (literally “so it’s a system error that’s rejecting our entry?”) and said I could work on Saturday if needed to help resolve it, I get a message three hours later saying that my “stress” isn’t “helping” and that I need to “chill.” So not here for other people’s projection right now – and I’m sure af not taking the fall for the mistake.
Anonymous
Do you need to be asking about the nature of the issue and volunteering to work on the weekend to clean it up?
Anon
Yeah. It’s for something very important a lot of us worked on. The person who made the avoidable mistake is basically screwing us over in the final stage before it goes to the client. Someone else (who hadn’t made the mistake) is facing Saturday work to try to rectify it. I offered to help her and then the person who made the mistake (whom I have not corresponded with directly today) reached out and said my stress isn’t helping.
Anon
Huh?
Anon
“chill” is not an appropriate response to any work-related email. I’d forward it to your supervisor and do your best to step out of the mess.
Anon
It was sent to me and one other person in the same boat (someone who hadn’t even mentioned the situation at all today) and we both agreed we won’t dignify it with a response or telling our shared supervisor. Anonymous internet rant, yes. He and I are both pretty frustrated with getting that message after we put in the lion’s share of the work on the actual deliverable – the mistake-maker had a tiny but crucial role at the end and she screwed up big.
Anon
Oh heck no, I’d 100% tell your supervisor. You can definitely do this in a way that isn’t ‘tattling’ but I’d CYA and not trust this coworker who I bet might try to throw you under the bus.
Anon
Your supervisor needs to be aware of the error and of the text. It’s not tattling when this is a last minute crunch on a deliverable. If it’s to an external client, x1000 on this.
Anon
Document all of this.
Anon
I love how people think this is some magical answer. Nothing here is remotely actionable.
Anecdata
Not “document like you’re going to sue” but “document so you have the details if this blows up”. Our internal messaging auto deletes after five days, so in this case I would just forward the chat message to email as “documentation”. Just in case – so if my boss comes to me next week and says “hey, why am I hearing you freaked out about the Error”, you can just say “oh that’s odd – all happened is I offered to help on the bridge on Saturday, I got this bizarre message from Jane afterwards so I didn’t come in’
Anon
This board, I swear. Not everything is about being litigious. Keep records so that if this goes anywhere there’s actual data, including examples for the person on her team. It must be so exhausting to understand the world in terms of whether you can sue.
Anon
Who said anything about suing?
Documenting is about CYA. A coworker who screwed up a project a lot of other people worked on and who is telling everyone to “chill” when things are very bad is a coworker who is going to try to throw everyone else under the bus.
So yeah, keep those obnoxious emails. And don’t wait until that happens, OP. Start socializing it with your management now. There is no outcome where it’s better if you wait.
Anon
Documenting is so that if I need to explain I am relying on contemporaneous notes, not my memory. The former is more credible than the latter. It can be the difference between what you think you remember and what you know as fact. Document, document, document.
Anonymous
I know I spend money on stuff I don’t need. I eat out multiple times a week, I buy books every month instead getting them from the library, I pay for Uber instead of using other transit/walking. I know this and yet any time I decide to change it lasts… days not weeks. I’d love to adopt a realistic plan/goal to slowly reduce these spending habits, thinking by January 1 I’m eating out 2x/less per week, regularly going to the library first when I want to try a book, etc. Any practical suggestions for making changes like this stick over time? Anyone have a planning graph or something they like? I read spending $25 extra a day is nearly $10k per year and if I’m being honest …. That’s me.
Anon
Is this a finance problem for you? In that are you not reaching your retirement/savings goals, paying bills, etc.? I ask because I also spend money on things I don’t need (but enjoy). However, I am meeting all my other financial goals so I am enjoying these things and living my life.
Now, if you are struggling financially then I suggest a month of physically tracking all spending and then doing something like the envelope method where you can only spend the cash you give yourself for that category for that month and then no more.
anonshmanon
+1. You need a ‘why’. ‘I shouldn’t spend this’ is not an effective reason, guilt never fixed anybody’s behavior.
Mpls
+1 – to tie in the YNAB suggestion below, give every dollar in your budget a job. If you don’t want to spend it on books or eating out, what do you want to spend it on? “Spend” can be – saving for a vacation, remodel, rainy day, investing, etc. Just allocate it to something, so if you are tempted to spend it on books or eating out, you can remind yourself, that it’s serving another purpose to get you over that impulse.
Anon
YNAB really really helped me rein this in. It’s online “envelope” budgeting if you’re familiar with that term. If not, you might want to look and see if it’s for you.
But I give myself a certain amount for the month in different categories, and once I spend it, that’s it!
I think what makes it work for me is that I try to be realistic. Like, I know I “should” get books from the library, but going to book stores and buying books does really bring me joy! So my book budget is larger than someone else who doesn’t value that experience as much. On the other hand, when really thinking about it, I realized that getting morning coffee at a shop wasn’t doing it for me, so I make my own so that I can have more to spend on books. It took some trial and error, but it’s an invaluable tool for me!
Anecdata
Is spending $10k less a year something you want or need to do? Why? And then can you find a way to make that “why” more concrete and visible?
(ie “spend less” or “save more” are abstract, big picture goals, that are hard to put against “this specific book sounds fun to order right now” – but tracking how much you actually spend per day/week and immediately putting the delta into a dedicated savings account for the fantastic trip, or emergency fund, or whatever is more concrete – it makes the decision : “do I want to put this specific $50 into the Iguazu Falls jar, or into this Amazon order?”
Anon
+1 to this. When I was saving up for a downpayment it was much more helpful to have the framing of ‘do I want to go out tonight and spend $150 on drinks and dinner or put that towards my mortgage fund and invite people over for a BYOB hang where I supply snacks ($150 vs. $50).
I personally don’t do well with cold turkey so ‘harm reduction’ might be helpful. Start small – saving $10k/year is about $835 a month. Can you save an extra $150 a month to start? Then go from there.
Anon
If you’re downgrading your lifestyle you need to figure out how to make those changes enjoyable. Work your way through a cookbook or learn a new cuisine. Find a podcast you only listen to on public transit or call a friend when walking. Set a goal for daily steps if you like a challenge. Make the library a special ritual- maybe every Saturday you bring a thermos of good coffee with you while browsing or pick up a small treat on the way home (still cheaper than buying a book)
Senior Attorney
Completely agree that you need a reason to do these things. If you saved that $10,000, what would you do with it? Figure that out and you’re halfway home already.
Anonymous
What totally helped me was setting up a budget for myself. Which is actually nothing more than a spending plan where I decide what’s important to me and where all the money coming in is going to go. What it did for me was make my choices plain. If I spent $175 this week ($25/day) in THIS way, it meant I wasn’t going to spend it in THAT way. I could spend that $175 this week on coffee and meals and books and such, or I could buy myself a nice pair of shoes instead. Or put it in my vacation fund. Or give it away to someone to whom $175 extra would make a huge difference. Or add it to the fund for new furniture. My choice.
Peloton
I did a month of paying cash for any in store spending (and no online shopping except for, like, things I objectively could not get locally) in my early 30s, and it was corrective of many of my bad financial habits in a way that shocked me. I can’t recommend it highly enough. If going all in on it feels too aggressive, you could do one category, e.g., I have $30 to spend on books this month, it’s in cash in an envelope in my wallet, and when it’s gone, that’s that.
Anonymous
Bay Area folks, I could use your advice. If I need to be in Martinez, Walnut Creek, and Richmond for work, where is the best place to stay? I will probably have to rent a car to drive to the meetings but prefer to stay in a walkable location if possible so I can go out exploring and don’t have to drive to dinner.
Anonymous
The Renaissance Walnut Creek.
Anon
I live here so I don’t really stay in lots of nearby hotels, but colleagues visiting the area have been happy with the Claremont hotel in Berkeley, and the Lafayette Park hotel in Lafayette.
anonshmanon
Just based on the work locations that OP mentioned, I’d do Lafayette over Berkeley. Although I can’t comment on walkability.
Anon
Since I live down the street from the Claremont, I can attest to its walkability.
I think it kind of splits the baby between the WC area and Richmond in terms of distance.
OP
Thanks, everyone! Even recommendations for a general area, rather than a specific hotel, are helpful. I am usually just in Berkeley, where I have stayed at the Hotel Shattuck Plaza in the past for walkability to the university. For this trip I was looking at the Renaissance Walnut Creek as suggested above, but wasn’t sure whether there was somewhere other than Berkeley with a walkable downtown.
Anon
Walnut Creek is a big outdoor mall. I don’t know that hotel, but I’d google map it and see where it is in relation to downtown, which has shops and restaurants.
Anon
I’m the Claremont neighborhood poster. The Claremont backs onto Domingo street, which is a little block of shops and cafes.
If you walk down to College Ave, which is not far, it’s two blocks of restaurants, shops, a bookstore, a movie theater, and pretty much everything you need. It’s the heart of the Elmwood neighborhood, my beloved neighborhood, and is much nicer than downtown Berkeley.
The bookstore is a great one, and there’s a new knitting shop if you’re into that. The nicest restaurant is Donato, my favorite, but the little cafe called Baker & Commons is very popular and yummy. Nabolom bakery is a co op in the style of Cheeseboard and they produce a daily pizza very much like Cheeseboard pizza. (If you’re not familiar the Cheeseboard pizza style, it’s something to experience!
And for quick takeout, Gordo tacqueria is hard to beat.
Anon
I wouldn’t stay on the bay side of the hill – I’d park it in Walnut Creek. You’ll save a lot of time driving through the tunnel that way and it’s far more convenient to Martinez and Richmond when you need the two together. The Renaissance is fine and there’s decent food around.
Nananon
Agree with the rec for Walnut Creek. If you’re going to Richmond from there, it may be easier to take 680 N to Highway 4 and out that way rather than going on 24 W and through the tunnel. Renaissance Walnut Creek is plenty nice although not super close to the very walkable downtown–you might still want to drive over for dinner, take advantage of the free garage parking, and walk around Broadway Plaza for dinner.
Anon
I’m not telling anyone if I win the lottery but there will be signs. And asking for a friend, for Ambassadors who are politically appointed, how does one go about that? I am guessing becoming a big donor, but what else? I assume you do t write that in the memo field of your checks.
Seattle Freeze
The person I knew who became a politically appointed ambassador to a small European nation was a major fundraiser for the president a few administrations ago. They were a long-time philanthropist and political donor, and it looked to be pretty straightforward quid pro quo. Unfortunately, the whole thing ended in disgrace (with embassy management conflicts and questionable spending that surprised me not one bit). So I guess it’s clear what to avoid if you do end up asan ambassador?!
anon
+1
A friend was briefly an ambassador. The appointment was completely political, and ended with the presidential term. He at least had lived in that Continent as an ex-pat for many years and was fluent in multiple languages… but not the one of his ambassador appointment. He was a big Republican donor and is the classic – all I care about is taxes and keeping as much of my money as possible – voter. Very smart, very personable, very rich.
Anonymous
You have to both spend a lot of money AND be likeable. Do you actually want to be an ambassador though? Sometimes I write things for ambassadors and honestly it seems like an awful job, you’re just an actor in a suit. The ambassador shows up and does/reads/discusses whatever the experts have written, and you better hope your script is good or someone will notice.
Anon
Yes! Although.
If I use my legal skills to negotiate workable solutions in tense times with people who could easily take me and each other out, I don’t practice law so much as am a fixer. IDK if that is a golden trait or would be my undoing. But at the heart of it, I love people and want to help them and would make sure to take care of all within my ability to do so. That can be forms and paperwork but often is just having a good network and never screaming at people or being a jerk when emotions run high.
I am good with languages (am mediocre but enthusiastic of 4 in addition to English). I’d love to try.
How much $?
Anonymous
‘Negotiate workable solutions’ is probably the least desirable trait in an ambassador possible. Your job isn’t to do any thinking, it’s about being polite and following directions. You follow your script and you do exactly as told. Trying to ‘think of solutions’ is a great way to cause an international incident because chances are the solution has been thought of by the actual expert and there’s a reason it’s not in the script. No idea precisely how much money you have to donate to be an ambassador, I am not in donor relations.
Anon
Is this right? The career diplomats I’ve gotten to know are both thoughtful and independent, though I realize they speak carefully and watch what they say. I agree that they don’t negotiate workable solutions though; maybe something more like build relationships? Also, maybe that’s not what we’re talking about with big donor appointees.
Anonymous
Ambassadors have to be very polite, charming, and affable. Being smart is important in that they need to be able to hold good dinner conversation but for actual policy work they follow the script. The script doesn’t include social pleasantries and the stuff that makes a person likeable, the ambassador themselves bring the charm, but any technical nitty gritty they regurgitate as instructed.
Anecdata
Steady and never screaming at people and using your influence to get them what they need to do their jobs will be very much a plus for the career state folks working for you if you get that far, but I promise they /do. not./ want you to have policy type ideas. Good social skills, makes a wide variety of people feel comfortable, can be relied upon to not show up on the evening news in a bad way, exercises restraint on Twitter are all good qualities in a political appointee too.
(“5 year embassy inspection” + a city name will get you the “performance review” of an embassy, since they are a matter of public record, and honestly they can be kind of entertaining reading, in a bureaucratic way. Also there’ll a lot of good hints about what does/does not make for a good ambassador.)
Anon
A close relation was appointed to a highly sought ambassadorship during the Trump administration. Major contributor and fundraiser, and no, we are not close. And as someone else said, very personable, very smart, very rich.
anon
My sister is going through a brutal divorce. Without going into the whole backstory, my soon-to-be ex-BIL is doing a number on her mental health and self-esteem. I’m really worried about her. She is starting to isolate herself, which is completely unlike her. Texts and phone calls go unanswered, which also isn’t like her. Not just me, but our parents and other siblings, too. She’s admitted to being depressed and that the kids are the only thing holding her together. I am at a loss about what to do or how to help her, especially when she is ignoring our efforts to reach out. Ignoring sounds harsher than I mean for it to be; I get why she’s turning inward, but I also don’t know how to help under the circumstances. Any ideas?
Anon
Offer to babysit and to come over as a presence to take the burden off of her. Depending on how close you are, I’d show up to her house with food and a warm smile and be willing to just sit in the living room and watch the kids or help clean (or anything else she needs).
anon
You cannot fix everything. What you can do is visit her, play with her kids, do the dishes, cook her dinner in her kitchen (or bring pizza for the kids), sit in the backyard while her kids play. It’s not a gift basket, it’s the mundane stuff that gives her a bit of space for herself.
Anon
How close to her do you live? Consider whether you can go over and visit and see her for yourself and do the dishes, etc, like the poster above suggested. Might she be depressed enough to need medication? When I am, communicating with people through calls and texts feels like an insurmountable task.
Anon
Another thought: my STBX did a number on my mental health. At the end, I was actually convinced that I was unloveable and that my friends would leave me if they found out what was going on. (He lied rather prolifically to our mutual friends, to our counselor, his colleagues, and I don’t use that term lightly. People did in fact think less of me, and I damn near lost my best friend who had only heard his side of the event that was the final straw.)
So I basically ignored everyone who reached out. For six months straight. When I finally talked to people – after literally telling them to go away because I was tired of being shamed for being upset at then-husband – I was truly shocked that my friends actually cared about me.
Might be worth it to explicitly tell her that you’re in her corner and here when she needs you.
Anon
I told a friend in the middle of an awful divorce that there are sides in this and I am 100% on your side. She still brings that up from time to time. Apparently even her family and friends closer than I was were trying to “be fair to him”. I think it’s good to explicitly and unequivocally tell someone that you’re on their side and that you have their back.
RiskedCredit
I’m still going through literal hell with my ex husband. There are days where my sister scoops me up and gets me going.
Be prepared to go over to her house and do the cooking, cleaning and laundry because it’s all incredibly stressful and she just needs to sleep, eat proper meals and take a relaxing bath with Epsom salts.
If she doesn’t have a therapist, help her get one set up because what she is going through is hell. I’m a strong person and at times it’s been overwhelming for me, especially the continued hidden abuse.
However, nothing beats showing up in person, without judgement and helping them function. The lack of response screams to me that your sister is overwhelmed. She is probably very scared of her future too.
Anon
Speaking of books and authors,
Which authors have you read your way through? That tends to be my habit. I’m just about done reading everything from Kate Atkinson, read everything by Ann Patchett before her, and so many over the years I’ve eagerly awaited new releases from (Don’t get me started on Donna Tartt.)
So who else should I check out?
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but I absolutely hated Life After Life and can’t believe how many people love it.
For your actual question, I’ve really enjoyed most books by Geraldine Brooks.
Anon
I like what Kate Atkinson does with long, sprawling family histories.
Anon
I loved Life After Life but the prequel/sequel (A God in Ruins) was a huge miss for me.
Anon
+1
Anon
I feel like most authors only write a few really great books and a lot of mediocre ones. There are some authors I almost always like (Ann Patchett, Barbara Kingsolver, Louise Erdrich, Curtis Sittenfeld, Emma Donoghue, Geraldine Brooks), but my reactions to them are still pretty variable. Even the authors of my absolute favorite books have generally written books I didn’t especially like, and that group of authors I just listed had a few books I really didn’t enjoy.
Anon
Oh, I should add that I’ve also read all of Agatha Christie and a number of other mystery series. I think my theory about variability applies to those too, though. It’s rare that a long running series holds up over time, though affection for the characters you’ve gotten to know over many books can make up for a lot.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this but I slog through the mediocre ones anyway. I loved Robert B. Parker’s Spenser series back in the day, even though toward the end he was phoning them in for the most part.
Anon
My dad just said the same thing about the Spenser books!
Anon
I agree. I think Curtis Sittenfeld is the only author (with at least three books) where I’ve enjoyed all of them, and even she has one book that was just “ok” for me (Eligible).
I can think of a lot of authors where I like most of their books, but definitely not all. Ann Patchett, Emma Straub, Taylor Jenkins Reid, Liane Moriarty and probably others I can’t think of right now are in that bucket.
Then there are some authors where I love half their stuff and absolutely hate the other half. Chris Bohjalian, looking at you. I swear that man has a ghostwriter for half his books!
I think series are a little bit different because they tend to be so similar, even if they vary a bit in quality (generally declining over time). I’ve read all of the Monk (based on the TV show) books, pretty much all the Stephanie Plum books and all of Stella Rimington’s Liz Carlyle books. Also all the Finley Donovan books, which I find very reminiscent of Stephanie Plum, although that series is shorter.
anon
I’ve read my way through PD James, JRR Tolkien, Alastair Reynolds, and Agatha Christie.
Anon
You know, I was focused on contemporary authors, but I have certainly read my way through some classics – starting with a huge Dickens phase as a teen, then into Fitzgerald and Hemingway, Jane Austen of course.
More recently (but not super recently!) everything by Jane Smiley, John Irving, Anne Tyler, Amy Tan, Isabelle Allende, and I know there are others but I am not good at keeping lists of what I’ve read.
Anon
Percival Everett is my new fave. He’s got a ton of books, so it’ll keep me busy for a while.
Anon
definitely going to check him out!
Anon
I tend to fall for series where I really like the characters and/or the world building, in addition to the writing. Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next novels are a good example I don’t see mentioned often. Victoria Goddard’s Fitzroy Angursell series is a more recent favorite. (After starting randomly with a book someone recommended, I made sure to go read the rest of the series in the chronological order of events, rather than of publishing. I’m sure I enjoyed them much more because of the way they build on each other.)
Senior Attorney
I’ve been doing this for years. In no particular order, some I can think of:
N.K. Jemison
Kate Atkinson
Frederik Backman
Octavia E. Butler
Ted Chiang
jane Austen
Janice Hallett (she writes in a really quirky semi-epistolary style but I enjoy it)
Anthony Horowitz
Barbara Kingsolver
Anne Tyler
John Le Carre
Emily St. John Mandel (she of Station Eleven)
James McBride
Casey McQuiston (queer romance, very fun)
Liane Moriarity (Big LIttle Lies, etc)
Louise Penny (love me some Inspector Gamache)
Anne Perry (historical detective stories)
Kim Stanley Robinson
Jennifer Ryan
Paul Vidich
Ben Winters
Anna Pitoniak
Anon
LOVE Anne Tyler. I’ve also read everything she’s published.
Nananon
Thank you! Looking forward to looking up these authors!
Senior Attorney
Very long list in mod so check back.
Anonymous
John Irving
Celeste Ng
Margaret Atwood
I don’t do this as a regular practice.
Anon
I’ve also done John Irving and Margaret Atwood, so your list makes me think I need to check out Celeste Ng. Oh.. I see she wrote Little Fires Everywhere. I’ve read that.
Anonymous
I liked All the Things You Never Told Me better. And Our Missing Hearts is timely.
Also on my list, and quite different, is Ha Jin. I am not Asian or an immigrant, but he really captures something that was informative to me.
Monte
Toni Morrison and Iris Murdoch. Also, oddly, Ian McEwan — I loathe his books but if I see one at a used bookstore, I definitely buy it, read it, and then regret it.
Anon
That was me as a teen trying to make things work with Barbara Kingsolver.
Anon
Haha on the Ian McEwen. That’s how I felt reading my second Franzen.
Anon
I loved Atonement… but was meh or disliked pretty much everything else I read by him. I stopped after three bad ones, though!
Anon
Have read everything by Rowling (including under the Galbraith pen name) and loved it all. The last Cormoran Strike book was the best in the series.
Anon
I agree with this. It’s the rare mystery series that’s actually been getting better over time.
Anon
Totally – the character development is perfect.
Anon
I just read the first one and have the second and third on hold so this is good news for me!
Anon
I feel really bad that I’ve neglected to include Jennifer Weiner. I read one of her books every summer on vacation. I don’t think she originally meant to be a beach read author but I think she’s kind of leaning into it. I started with Good in Bed and In Her Shoes, and have mostly read everything she’s published since! Always enjoyable, relatable stories, and good characters.
Anon
Mine is an outdated list.
Jane Austen
Agatha Christie
Wodehouse
Thomas Hardy
The Brontes
Georgette Heyer
Arthur hailey
Anon
Philippa gregory
Anon
Any recommendations for an office chair for sitting cross-legged? This is for my teen so something reasonable quality but around $100 or less.
Cat
More like $250 but the Ikea Langfjall is great for my pretzel contortions since the seat isn’t too “shaped” and there aren’t arms.
ABanon
BJ’s wholesale club has an “extra wide” office chair for 69.99
Anonymous
https://www.apartmenttherapy.com/tiktok-cross-legged-office-chair-review-ll-37291032
anonymous
I am mentally planning an exit from a job that’s a mix of wage theft and mean girls. I’d love to hear what passive aggressive language you’d use in a resignation email or what petty things you’d do while on your way out– not because I’ll actually do them but because it feels good to imagine some justice.
Anon
Well don’t write this: “I will be seeking employment at a firm whose philosophy dovetails with my own.”
This from a guy one step above the mailroom who did zero work for the entire almost-year he managed to collect a paycheck while being supervised by me (which means I was two steps up from the mailroom). My own boss and I still quote that line for a laugh.
Anon
This is the second post this week on how to be more passive aggressive. My advice is still don’t. It’s my least favorite behavior. The best way to show a bad job what’s up is by simply leaving.
anonshmanon
re-read the post from OP.
anon
+1
I read OP’s post, but people who think in these patterns tend to act in these patterns. OP, be the person who deserves the better workplace.
Anon
Nothing, but I’d press them on the wage theft and potentially hire a lawyer.
Anon
I left an academic department once where there was a known history of one particular professor’s students leaving without completing their graduate degrees. The chair of the department AND the dean of the school both asked me point blank in interviews to complain about the professor “so they could do something about it.” I said to myself, “nice way you came up with to get the chestnuts out of the fire” and kept going. Neither the department chair nor the dean had ever done anything to warn students joining this particular professor’s lab, to my knowledge.
Your justice is getting out and not letting them ruin your life. If you can safely do so later without having it tracked back to you, leave a Glass Door review, to warn other people.
Anon
Since it’s just mentally planning and you’re not going to do it, “Take This Job and Shove It” by Johnny Paycheck was played loudly in my car on the way to work at a job I despised for the last two weeks before it was official.
Anon
I ordered a 6 month supply of single-ply for the restrooms, to be delivered the day after my last day.
Senior Attorney
*snort*
Anon
This is the best
anonshmanon
Please enjoy
https://www.askamanager.org/2022/09/the-flasher-the-scathing-tirade-and-other-stories-of-magnificent-rage-quits.html
https://www.askamanager.org/2024/06/the-lawnmower-message-the-mangled-journal-articles-and-other-stories-of-deliberately-burnt-bridges.html
Anon
Resigning by fish – I didn’t know this was a thing!
RiskedCredit
My most infamous revenge tactic for toxic people was to get them hired into one of 3 companies that I would never work for or with as they were awful. They would leave my workplace and invariably be replaced with someone far superior.
Be super nice to these people. This is your future dumping ground for people you don’t like. When they post open roles on LinkedIn you can quietly recommend people you don’t like and let them poach them.
Anon
This is genius
Anon
Queen. You are a queen.
Anon
I used to work in a rather small town where there was a toxic and objectively stupid older lawyer who could only get clueless new graduates to join his firm. They all left fairly quickly. One of them left with a letter distributed to the whole bar that started out with “I am sure it will come as no surprise that I have a new address”.
Anon
I’m just a few days ahead of you, also leaving a horrible backstabbing toxic shit pile.
I don’t know where I found the strength, but my resignation letter was professional and full of thanks.
First of all, it really helped me to remember that things I did learn and the opportunities I was given.
Secondly now that it’s time to talk about trying to get out the door early, I am very glad that I took the high road.
Leaving with grace and my head held high made me feel better. I’m not consumed with leaving my former colleagues with anger. lol I don’t care what they think or feel!
Lastly, an important member of our community was forwarded my letter. I’m even more glad that I rose above the situation. I think it makes everyone at my old job look even worse.
Anonymous
So having not really ever been a fruit person, I’ve fallen back in love with plums which I loved as a child and then somehow forgot about for decades. Was on a family trip for a few weeks and had great plums – the types that are red on the inside. IDK where they were from as my aunt bought a lot of the fresh groceries, so IDK if she was going to a grocery story near our beach rental in New England or a small shop or what. Got back to Arlington Va and stopped by Giant and the plums there are a hot mess – totally soft and over ripened. I mean I know they need to be soft enough to be ripe but these just seem like they should’ve been sold a week ago. Any tips on where to buy in my area? Is it just a matter of trying different grocery stores to find one that has a good quality? I do have a weekly farmers market in my area but it tends to be all vegetables, no fruit.
Anon
A lot of farmers markets will have a weekly newsletter or facebook page listing what the vendors will have each week. That might be a good thing to check.
Anonymous
Grocery store fruit will never be as good as farmer’s markets. Have you been to the one near you recently, or perhaps did you only visit when vegetables were in season? There are a ton of farmer’s markets throughout northern VA and DC- check out Freshfarm markets, or my personal favorite fruit seller is Twin Springs Fruit Farm- check out where they go.
Anon
Good plums (and pluots) are one of my favorite fruits, but bad ones are terrible. You’ll probably have better luck if you buy them a little hard and they ripen at home. No specific recs, though, at all the stores by me they just vary, sometimes great, sometimes bad, even from the farmers market.
Anon
I am the proud owner/grower of an ancient Santa Rosa plum tree (Bay Area here) which produces plums that are incredibly delicious for exactly one to two days. If you miss that window, they’re either sour or overripe. That’s just how it is with plums. Sort of like avocadoes.
I love a perfect nectarine, but they’re really hard to find. I’ve had the best luck with going to a local produce mart (not a farmer’s market) and asking which are the best nectarines. Then I keep them on a windowsill until they smell really good. Maybe that’s the trick with plums from the store? I am not sure!
Anon
Isn’t it a little early for plums?
Anon
My plums reliably ripen the 4th of July timeframe.
Anecdata
There are a bunch of different varietals that ripen in different time frames, like peaches
Arlington Farmer's Market
Farmer’s markets. There is one in Courthouse every Saturday from 8 – 12. Google Freshfarm farmer’s market. The staff will actually help you pick out the best fruit.
Anonymous
A million thank yous to the poster who recommended On Gossamer Mesh underwear. Mine just came and they are AMAZING. So comfortable. Like wearing soft air. Thank you.
Anon
Second this! I bought two pairs after the recommendation here, and they are amazing. Posted a few days ago to thank the original person who suggested them.
Anon
Has anyone used The Foldie for a carryon with a wheelie bag or their smaller crossbody? They look great but I’d like some unaffiliated input. They are all over my sm feeds.
furniture
Has anyone bought any of the faux leather couches from a big furniture store like Ashley’s? How did they hold up?
I know not to buy bonded leather because it peels, but there’s a bunch of newer faux leather materials these days and I don’t know how they’ll hold up in a hot beach town with lots of sand. We clean regularly, but it’s the nature of the environment that it’s always a little bit sandy. We want something easy to clean, so the faux leather maintenance to wipe it down with a damp cloth seems ideal.
Anonymous
I would be concerned about the sand’s abrading the vinyl, and sand doesn’t come up with a wet cloth as well as it does with a vacuum. I would get a “performance” fabric and a good cordless hand vac.
Anonymous
Personally I’m a situation similar the this I went with a couch that had a removable cover. The ability to completely wash it is very helpful.
Anon
I’d even consider a slipcover – one of the cotton duck cloth kind that you can aggressively treat for stains, not one of those poly stretchy things. It’s not exactly on trend but sand, muddy paws, massive shedding and so on are perfect justification. If you are Uber stylish and am shuddering at the very thought, perhaps have it custom made.
furniture
OP here, thanks for the recs!
Anon
Fake or real leather is the last thing I’d get at a beach house. I’d go for cotton or something airy.
Anon
Where do you suggest shopping for a black tie gala event dress? Looking at photos from previous years, it looks like most attendees wear floor length gowns. I don’t have one in my closet so this is my first purchase like this that’s not a bridal party gown. I don’t want to look like a MOB gown. It’s in September so probably still hot here. I would love to be able to use it for other occasions like weddings etc since galas are not a usual part of my lifestyle (yet). I’m late 30s, if that changes your suggestion. Price range ideally less than $500.
Anon
Anthropologie has non-MOB floor-length gowns; you could also try Adrianna Papell, but you might have to wade through some MOB-type dresses there.
Anon
Bloomingdales. Their Aqua brand sometimes has some good ones.
Senior Attorney
I just looked over at Neiman Marcus and filtered by price and there are a lot of gowns under $500 by a brand called McDougal that I’d never heard of, but might meet your needs.
Senior Attorney
Oops spelled wrong: MacDuggal.
Senior Attorney
I like this jumpsuit: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/mac-duggal-pleated-v-neck-jumpsuit-0400020033583.html?dwvar_0400020033583_color=ANTIQUE%20GOLD
And this gown: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/Mac-Duggal-Pleated-V-Neck-Draped-Tie-Gown-0400020877279.html?dwvar_0400020877279_size=14&dwvar_0400020877279_color=MIDNIGHT
Monte
Similarly, I usually take a peek at Saks first and see if they have anything in my budget. They also have Mac Duggal, as well as some Black Halo and Dress the Population on the lower end of the price spectrum that look pretty cute.
Anon
Thanks to everyone for the suggestions!
Anon
Has anyone bought from Portland leather? If so, would you recommend?
Anecdata
I have leather sneakers from there – they are reasonably decent for DTC but not extraordinarily good, seems similar to Quince in quality. Items are no longer actually made in Portland (and not in the US) and they’re a little vague about that if that’s important to you. Their website almost always has a “last day of sale!” countdown – don’t believe it
Anon
They’re good for the price, particularly when you catch a sale. They’re not particularly refined, but that’s not what I’m after. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of my massive leather tote and it’ll probably outlast me. I get plenty of compliments as well.
Anon
Yes! Have a couple purses and they’ve held up well and I love the colors. There’s not much internal organization FYI- I use pouches to organize so it doesn’t bother me.
Anonymous
I am completely against violence, whoever the victim or perpetrator is.
But it makes me sick to see that, being the climate of violence and radicalism that Trump has encouraged the origin of yesterday’s shooting , it is now going to win him the election. We have now another Bolsonaro.
Anon
Why is this going to win him the election?
Anon
He’s always had success playing the victim card (which is typical of RW populists). Victim of biased media, of deep state or elite opposition, etc. The more he looks like someone who is under attack but prevailing anyway, the more appealing he is to RW voters.
Anon
But right wing voters were voting for him anyway
Anon
Not necessarily; turn out matters a lot!
Anon
Because the fist pump photo looks like campaign material. I need to see more evidence about how this was planned and why.
Anon
No one bets anyone’s life that way. Had the bullet been even a cm further to the left, he would be dead.
Anonymous
Ugh violence is not a part of the democratic process.
Trump will win because of this, if he wasn’t going to already. I just hope democracy will survive his term?
Anon
Agree on all counts.
Any chance this will make any Trump-Rs reconsider gun control…?
Anon
No chance. The answer to gun violence is always “more guns” (i.e. the fantasy about armed civilians stopping every crime).
Anon
The threat to democracy is the people who have created this narrative that a real estate mogul is going to turn us into North Korea, to the point where there was an assassination attempt that was an inch away from success.
Anon
That’s some convoluted logic… calling out the threat to democracy is the threat to democracy
Anon
I’m not convinced it will actually move the needle with respect to the election. Roosevelt was shot and lost the election the following month. Reagan got a big bump in approval ratings after the assassination attempt on him, but it only lasted for a few weeks, and the country is a lot more polarized now than it was then. And the shooter was a straight, white, male registered Republican which makes it harder for the right to use it as a talking point… you know if it was a person of color or an avowed liberal we’d never hear the end of it, but because of the identity of the shooter it isn’t really a great narrative for the right. We’ll see how it plays out, but personally I doubt this will have much impact on the election.
Anonymous
I really hope you are right.
Anon
I think it will help him persuade voters that anything bad they hear about him or his plans is coming from his enemies? I know some of his supporters were losing enthusiasm for him because of the perception that he’s just part of the establishment now or has sold out or compromised and has the support of the media and the wealthy. I think this will help keep him from losing existing supporters.
Anon
I think it could detract from reluctant votes for Biden if Biden’s campaign goes easy on negative messaging from now on.
Anon
I don’t think they’ll take a long break from negative messaging. Probably just a few days.
Anon
It drives me insane how weak the Dems are. They stop Biden’s messaging at the same time Trump supporters begin blaming Biden for the shooting. They’re classic bully victims who need to learn how to fight back – the bully isn’t going away on his own.
Senior Attorney
Ugh plus I think he is going to be even crazier than ever because how can you not have PTSD after an experience like that? And he’s certainly not the type to seek any kind of help for it.
Anon
I think it may actually backfire against Trump if (as expected) he talks about nothing else but this between now and November. It will fire up his small base, but nonstop talk about how he was almost assassinated isn’t going to play well with moderates and Democrats who are unenthusiastic about voting for Biden. Most people in this country don’t love Trump and aren’t go to want to hear his victim narrative for four months.